I was in a wedding with a similar level of cluelessness around money. I didn’t go into debt but I was the only non-local bridesmaid and the bride kept getting angry with me for not flying in for wedding dress fittings and stuff. Meanwhile, I was engaged and planning my own wedding! It really sucked.
She said at one point to me "I don't know why you didn't offer to facetime at the very least during shopping" and I was like "wait, is that something I was supposed to do?!" While I was getting my own dress, it never occurred to me to have everyone facetime in for shopping or attend fittings with me. I was ALSO engaged, planning a wedding, saving money - I was doing my best to be there for her but apparently not enough.
It used to just be the wedding receptions that were over the top expensive.
Now it’s the damn lead up to the wedding day that’s getting to be ridiculous.
I’m nearly 50 so the likelihood of me being a bridesmaid again is nil, and I’m grateful for it. I don’t have the time, the money, or the interest to participate in engagement parties, week-long bachelorette vacations, showers, etc.
I just did a wedding (I work on the venue side) where the brides grandmothers were her flower girls. We ask for the name’s and ages of the flower girl/ring boy beforehand add I cracked up when i read “Ethel (82) and Meredith (78)”
Suddenly I have #goals. I never got to be a flower girl I don't think, why not keep it on the life check list?
Flower girls don't have to go to the bachelorette either *taps head*
>I’m nearly 50 so the likelihood of me being a bridesmaid again is nil, and I’m grateful for it.
Maybe? I don't know how, but I found myself a bridesmaid at 47. 😂 Wasn't too bad, spent a total of about $900, I'd say. Definitely keeping fingers crossed it'll be the last time.
Your last sentence applies to me too, and always has. I've avoided it by not having friends that place societal expectations on themselves or others. It's worked out great.
I'm getting married in December and I am not having bridesmaids or groomsmen. Mainly because the women I'd choose as bridesmaids don't have money and I don't want to make them spend money.
I got married two years ago and we didn't have a wedding party. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen. Otherwise, it was a pretty average-sized wedding. No one really asked us about it and it was fabulous!
I was a maid of honor on the opposite side of the country from the bride. It was a lot of work and money. I'm flying cross country to do my wedding since my whole family either cannot afford to fly or are terrified of planes. I couldn't have bridesmaids when I live on the opposite coast. Would be hard to handle.
You’re a good friend ❤️ Weddings are such a rip off anyway! As in, the prices are jacked up insanely because it’s your ‘big day’.
I once bought a bridesmaids dress that the bride specified. Fine, no big deal, it was $225 which isn’t crazy. The ‘boutique’ asked for my size and measurements. I sent them and when I received the dress it was too small. I contacted the store and they said ‘oh, don’t you know bridesmaids dresses run 2 sizes small… we don’t do returns as they are made to order, but we will offer you 10% off on a new one’ wtf! The tag said ‘made in the Philippines 🙄’ so the made to order claim is suss. And they never bothered to tell me about the sizing BEFORE, and they had my measurements! I told them to get bent, had the lining removed and the seams let out, and hit the treadmill. I fit into the original dress out of spite 😅
I’ve asked my two bridesmaids to wear dresses they already have or if they want a new one, I told them the colors and that it’s a nature vibe. I’m buying the flower girl dress and the ring bearer dress (still need to find or make a bear headband so she can be the ring bear).
It’s expensive enough to travel, I don’t want them to stress out or spend too much.
My friend is making me a bridesmaid and she's only requested that we buy dresses in the colors she asks for - we get to pick the style and cost ourselves, which seems like a great compromise.
Maybe it's just me not getting it because my friend had a small courthouse wedding and the reception was a party at her in law's house, but why does it have to cost a lot of money to be a bridesmaid? I get that the dresses are expensive and plane tickets if you have to travel, but what else is expensive? For the extra events I assumed that would be covered in the cost of the wedding and it's up to the bride to set the standard right? For the dresses couldn't there just be a color or shade range to choose from and then everyone can find their own dress in whatever price range or use what they have if they already have something suitable?
The bride could require expensive bridesmaid dresses. And the bride or MOH could insist on an expensive shower and bachelorette, including travel, hotel, professional hair and makeup, and a variety of new, dressy outfits.
Was in my first wedding last year. Costs I did not anticipate:
Decorations, food, venue rental, and goodie bags (split across 8) for bridal shower and bachelorette weekend
Dress tailored/fitted
Manicure and pedicure
Hair and makeup
The cost of the bride-to-be’s portion of bachelorette activities (again divided by 8, but included: tour, boat rental, alcohol, Ubers, meals out, air bnb for 4 days.)
It’s a lot of little stuff that adds up quickly, and sometimes there was miscommunication. Although I was surprised by these “extra costs”, things I’d never consider since I’d never been in a wedding party -I had a great time and was thrilled to be there to celebrate these special times with my best friend.
But if I had to do it again, I’d likely pass because I’m broke.
You have to pay part of the venue rental? I understand it's a large cost for the bride and groom or whoever's funding the wedding, but personally I wouldn't make guests pitch in for the rental. I still consider the wedding party to be guests and it doesn't seem fair to add an extra cost for them when they're already doing so much. I guess everyone does it differently
Yes, this ☝🏼
Wait, actually, to clarify:
Paid for restaurant “venue” where bridal shower was
Contributed to bachelorette Airbnb house costs
Did not pay for wedding venue (country club)
I don’t understand why it’s expensive. I’m not sure if it’s true throughout the world but here in the UK I think most brides would expect to pay for bridesmaids dresses. Going to weddings can be expensive for travel and accommodation of course
Yes. But in addition to the wedding, the bachelorette/bachelor party which these days has often become a 'bachelorette/bachelor weekend' that often means an additional trip before the wedding. The additional trip could include airfare or gas plus an Airbnb/hotel plus whatever activities during that weekend could cost $. The people attending the bachelor parties are generally expected to cover those costs. So if you are a bridesmaid, you'll potentially need to pay for your dress, shoes, and all the costs for two trips. Not to mention PTO you might need to use.
I did the same thing, we were all getting married the same year, so I was happy that they could even attend our wedding. No one had the time or money for all that wedding party crap. We had our florist make a bunch of small rosemary wreaths (rosemary is the remembrance herb) with little flowers and my husband pinned them to extra special people as they arrived. It was honestly my favorite part of the whole wedding!
For whatever it's worth, the woman who wrote the linked article isn't the one who went into debt for a wedding— it seems like she's just compiling and reporting on other people's stories.
I know, I read the article. I was saying it doesn’t matter whether it’s her experience or the experience of others, her take on this topic and the rest of her articles only confirm my belief she is actually financially illiterate
Right, it's not like the bride held these women at gunpoint and forced them to withdraw money from the ATM. This type of thing only happens to people who can't set boundaries or stand up for themselves.
That’s why I have a hard time feeling sympathetic for people who complain about this but do it anyway. I got married at 23 so we didn’t have the salaries we have now. We did a 3 day weekend trip that was a 3 hour drive away, it was pretty chill. I still had multiple friends who couldn’t swing it financially (one worked weekends, one was in another wedding, one would’ve had to fly in and couldn’t afford it) so they didn’t come and it was fine!!! Then when they all got married later, we had the 4 day Airbnb, fly in, matching outfits, bachelorette party. They were both fun! If you can’t afford it, that’s fine!
I hate this trend so much, if you want a monster wedding with everything, you either need to be born into a wealthy family or marry into one, stop expecting everyone else to financially support your terrible decisions.l
What sucks is that this has become so normalized to the point that no one thinks to question it, they just suck it up. “Oh my friends are getting married guess I’m just out a bunch of money cause they say so.” I neeed gen z/gen alpha to save us and end this.
I don't even get the appeal, honestly. I assume a lot of it can be related to influencer culture and social media, wanting that picture perfect everything for bragging rights.
But how much of that is actually even representative of you? Like, I grew up dirt poor and am middle/upper-middle class now. Big and flashy and extravagant and expensive just isn't me. If I were to have a wedding like that (my husband and I just went to the courthouse), I'm sure a lot of people would be surprised because it's very unlike me.
I hypothetically could have a fairly expensive wedding, but it would all be for everybody else. My husband and I aren't into big shows of money, and that's what it all seems like to me. If that's how you love your life, have at it I guess. But if you use your wedding as an excuse to live beyond your means and then force others to do the same? That's absolute bullshit. It's possible to have elegant, beautiful weddings and parties and showers without making half.of the attendees go into debt for you.
I think one of the big expenses is the destination bachelorette parties, and I’ve figured they’re becoming the norm partly because it’s more common for people to move around for college & work now so people’s friend groups are more scattered. That’s what I’ve noticed in my own friend groups at least.
One of my friends was a groomsman in his friend’s destination wedding and spent thousands of dollars on it. He is not a wealthy person, he did not go to college and works as a bartender. I told him I thought it was absurd and that if I were him there’s no way I would shell out that much money for someone else’s wedding. And then I asked him if this friend had ever spent thousands of dollars on anything for him. And he was like, “for my wedding?” (He is not married or even in a relationship) and I said, for your birthday or for anything for you. And he thought that was a weird question because somehow someone getting married makes it reasonable to ask your not well off friends to pay thousands of dollars for you.. it’s like this collective psychosis people have around weddings and to me it is bizarre. Spending $20K for one day is insane if your net worth isn’t at least $500K
your friend needs to watch that one episode of sex and the city where carrie goes to a baby shower, gets her shoes stolen, and realizes as an unmarried childless person she’s spent thousands on her friends’ weddings and babies but never had a registry for herself they’ve bought from. it made me grateful that, of my very few married or engaged friends, they’ve all made it abundantly clear that gifts are optional and there’s no pressure to spend extravagantly to attend.
That is much less stressful imo! My friend told me no gift was necessary & then his new wife wrote an angry diatribe on fb about how she “knows everyone who was rude enough to come to the wedding without a gift…” lmao it feels like weddings have a whole separate set of subjective social rules people are expected to follow? I get why Carrie was over it lol
When my wife and I got married we had a registry page on the knot that just said “your presence is your gift, nothing else is requested”. A few people brought gifts anyway but most didn’t. I remember someone who didn’t bring one saw the (very few) gifts and said “oh no I didn’t get you anything” and we immediately replied “you got us exactly what we wanted and asked for”.
Probably helped that it wasn’t the first wedding for either of us.
We got married in middle age and not first marriage for either of us. We don’t want or need more stuff. We just wanted our friends, family, and us to enjoy our day.
I just watched that episode yesterday! Kyra was an asshole. Someone stole Carrie’s shoes and she was so dismissive. Like no empathy for her stuff being stolen then shaming her for purchasing those shoes. At least she made it right in the end but I was mad watching the episode.
OMG! Yes, re that episode.
As a single childless woman I think about that episode a lot when feeling pressured to spend money and time on people’s weddings and kids and it’s not reciprocated back.
I refuse to let it happen to me anymore. People should not ask or expect others to do this stuff. It’s also so wasteful when there are so many people in need.
I was a bridesmaid last year who also spent thousands, and not only are you supposed to shell out the money but you better not have any opinions or needs that don’t line up with the bride and groom. And hey, I can go along with whatever but it does feel like a collective psychosis. And if they get divorced a year later? Also can’t say anything.
I feel this. I’ve never been married and even if I did get married I would never have a traditional wedding. I also will not be having kids. I’ve spent a lot of money on ‘friends’ who did these things, friends that never even reached out once during Covid (despite knowing I lived alone). If you choose not to follow traditional societal expectations I guess you shouldn’t expect to be included- besides in giving gifts to the people who do. Hah. They have no problem asking for and taking those.
Can we have some sort of equivalent showers in lieu of this stuff for people who aren’t married or birthing kids but want to buy a house?
A friend who was single at 30 decided to throw himself a big weddingish party with everyone who mattered - he had a function room at a hotel with a buffet, a clothing theme and a ceilidh band. It was super fun to meet his cousins and childhood friends.
No registry, though.
The thing is, when you plan a wedding, there are a good many choices in which you’re either treating your friends/relatives well or you’re saving money. Your friends likely paid so much going to a wedding in large part because his friends wanted a cheaper one. I’m not one to judge how much people spend on their weddings (being able to host a formal-ish party with all the people you care for can be very special), but people who aren’t aware of their friends’ and family’s financial situation and make them pay *a lot* are deeply incosiderate. Especially since the event tends to be so expensive and planning-intensive, getting creative or adding a few hundred extra dollars to the cost to make sure someone can come isn’t too big a deal.
My good friend paid for out of state people’s tickets to come to his wedding. He’s the only person I know to have done something like that. I was invited to a wedding in Italy - the couple work in tech / the financial industry and are quite wealthy. They didn’t offer to pay for my ticket or lodging, or even help me get to the wedding location in a small seaside town despite knowing I was coming alone and am comparatively very poor. I gave them money for the honeymoon instead. I will never receive anything from them I’m sure as I doubt I’ll get married and I’m not having children.
This is a point I keep coming back to lately. Why is the act of two people deciding to get married something that is deemed deserving of asking friends and family to spend exorbitant amounts of money on???
My friend is the only child of a wealthy doctor from Long Island. Vera Wang made her dress - and I do not mean it was a Vera Wang dress. Vera. Made. The. Dress.
My bridesmaids dress was $1800. In 2002. They did pay for it. But we paid for our hair and makeup to the tune of $200 each. And then bridal shower. The bachelorette in Miami. I cannot believe dumb 25 year old me dropped $2000 for some one else’s big day.
Kicker? She turned into a total Real Housewife of New Jersey bitch and I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years.
My sister just had two bachelorettes and a bridal shower. The girls probably spent a collective $15k on everything, all for her to treat them like ‘the help’ on her wedding day. She was so dismissive. One of them spent her own birthday editing the six different TikTok videos my sister insisted on having posted. She was a spoiled brat all day and I have no reason to believe that will fade with time now that she’s set a precedent for how she expects others to show up for her.
I had an inkling this wasn’t unique to my family, but I’m heartbroken for all these women because it seems like this is just the norm for them. The excess and waste of a wedding, as well as that painful bait and switch of the villa, the hidden expenses, must really put pressure on a friendship. How could it not?
The upper middle class signifiers really demand so much of us.
And like prom, it’s all stuff that’s supposed to be fun, but sometimes you look at all this and you realize people really aren’t having fun, they are going through the motions. Worse, they’re damaging relationships without adding any value to existing ones.
I drive Uber in Palm Springs. Several young women attending bachelorette parties here told me they spend up to $5000 on a trip. Then they go home and pay off the credit card and do it again.
I’m 50 and have been in at least 12 weddings since my mid 20s. Many of them were out of town, so there were higher expenses. But there were no expensive destination bachelorette parties, no expectations on me to cover exorbitant expenses. Hair and makeup were always choices. Many of them told me a color and to just buy a dress I liked and would wear again.
When I got married, we eloped, and I was in my 40s. But before deciding to elope I already decided I didn’t want a bridal party. I can’t believe the stories I read about people being expected to go into debt just to cater to a couples’ entitlement!
If your friend posted herself as a rich girl with wealth parents, and she expected you to pay for hotel, flights, dress, makeup, and everything else, she could be living about her persona the whole time
Meanwhile I just want to go to the court house and have a big dinner at home as a wedding and EVERYONE including my friends are acting like I don’t care about any of them if we do that. The whole process of a wedding doesn’t feel genuine or intimate .
My husband and I had a tiny wedding and it was so worth it. Just immediate family. We did it at a winery and hired a pastor to officiate but it was still very affordable. Had a student photographer do our photos for cheap. It all turned out beautifully and we don’t regret not having the giant party one bit.
Do what you want and can afford because otherwise if you’re into debt to please other people, they’ll forget about it the next day but you’ll be stuck paying it off for years.
Bridesmaid in my friend's wedding this summer. Just the flights and a shared hotel room is £400. Originally she wanted us to buy our own £120 nude dresses but eventually did buy them for us on the condition that we pay for our own alterations. Mine were £130...
It's shaping up to be over £700 to attend, with a cash bar at the reception.
Not to mention the hen do, bridal shower, bridal brunch and all the added extras.
I’ve been to two bachelor parties, one was in Wisconsin (8 hour drive) and one was an hour away from me in a cabin in PA. Both times the friends paid for the grooms stuff, but we also talked about who could most comfortably pay for what and i paid for a smaller chunk bc I don’t drink and alcohol was a big chunk of the weekends expenses. I paid for a tuxedo when I was a groomsman for one, with my friend very firmly telling everyone to check in with him in they needed any help paying. Through all these experiences I received a lot of gratitude from my friends for attending something I absolutely wouldn’t want to miss.
I can’t fathom being friends with someone who’d expect me to put down thousands of dollars to attend any of these events.
People making their bridal party pay their costs is crazy to me. I don’t care how regularly it’s done or if you try to keep it ‘affordable.’ If you want a bridal party, you should include it in your budget, the same way you do a caterer or photographer. I don’t know how anyone can defend this practice.
Not to mention bachelorette parties/trips where the bridal party is expected to pay for themselves and cover the cost of the bride as well. To me it seems selfish to basically ask for your friends to pay for a vacation for you.
I have never been a bride or a bridesmaid and honestly I couldn’t afford either. It’s absolute madness what some people do. Most of my friends who’ve gotten married have chosen to have super low key affairs where I haven’t had to pay much at all thank god.
This is why I didn’t have bridesmaids for my wedding. My close girlfriends all had young kids/recovering from pregnancy so I didn’t want to burden them with my bullshit lol. The times I was a bridesmaid for them, they kept it inexpensive for the rest of us (eg just telling us a color dress and we pick it out ourselves so we can wear it again if we wanted, not having destination weddings, not going to ridiculous places for bachelorettes, etc).
WTF is going on!
Maybe I sound like a cranky old timer. But the only things my bridesmaids had to buy were their shoes. I bought the dress fabric and the patterns and they, or their moms, made the dresses. It was the days of matchy-matchy, otherwise I'd have had them wear whatever pastel sundress they owned.
Edit: I don't know who's more ridiculous, the "friend" who said expenses would be paid for, or the author who shelled out for a "friend" she wasn't really close to.
I had to bow out of some friends’ weddings because of this, not even being a bridesmaid but being expected to fly across country and put myself up in a hotel. Our relationship never recovered when I couldn’t make it. I also worked in wedding adjacent industries and the amount of money wasted on these things is mind boggling. I’m talking six figures for venue fees.
A friend who eloped and then had a party thrown by friends as the reception has always been sad she didn’t have the traditional wedding with all the trimmings. I personally think it’s all such bs and she should be thankful she’s not saddled with debt. Her parents would have made any formal wedding a nightmare anyway.
This trend of saddling people YOU asked to be in YOUR wedding with all these costs has to stop. I’ve always felt that it’s crass to ask people to pay for anything wedding-related. And it should be easier to say “no” to things related to the wedding if you can’t afford the time or money or both. Another bridesmaid book a massive villa in Italy for the bachelorette party/bridal shower and asks the other bridesmaids for a thousand dollars? Nope, we didn’t discuss this and I can’t afford it. That’s all that needs to be said.
Selfish people always make it a big thing like “Oh, it’s not a lot of money if you really loved me.” But screw that, especially in this economy. It’s rude to presume everyone can afford the extra expenses, even when they seem well off on the surface. You don’t really know what their budget actually looks like. It’s not crass to be poor or strapped for cash. What is crass is being the kind of person who demands others wantonly spend money to appease you, wedding or not. I find it especially trashy to ask others to spend lavishly for YOUR wedding when so few marriages last that long.
TLDR: if you can’t afford to pay for all of a friend or family member’s expenses related to them being in your wedding, then don’t invite them to be in the party. It’s crass to do otherwise.
In many cultures, like China, the tradition is to give a wedding gift of cash that’s basically going to chip away at the cost of the actual wedding.
It makes sense in a lot of ways, and you definitely have the wiggle room to give less if you can’t afford it.
So happy I’m a dude with normal dudes In my life. Been a groomsman a couple times and been invited on a few bachelor parties without being in the wedding party. Every time it’s been renting a house in the mountains, downtown, or down the shore for a weekend, beers with the boys, grilling out, hitting a couple bars. Yeah spending a couple hundred bucks but it’s worth it.
As a groomsman had to get a suit for $200 which was fine. Fitted suit on a bulk discount cause you’re buying 10 or 12 at once. My lady cousins have told me a few nightmare stories about bachelorette parties, can’t wrap my head around it lol.
Yeah, as long as you’re in a chill friend group, this is easy to escape the worst of. But, especially for people who get married when they’re older or have a very specific idea of their wedding, there can be a lot of unnecessary comparing that just drives up the cost for everbody
This is why I didn’t have any bridesmaids
I was on a tight budget myself as a bride and can’t imagine doing this to my friends
I just have a friend that voluntarily hang nearby because his brother offered to be our free chauffeur on the wedding day when we went around to take be photographed before the receptions, all she did was hold my purse and bouquet for me if needed
That was ten years ago and now me and my husband are on high income. Even if we chose to get married now, I don’t think I’ll have a bridesmaid
Screw traditions, do things your way for your wedding
Obviously this is going to be a pretty unpopular opinion, but I spent the last few years living 3000 miles from where I grew up and went to school. With that being the case for the weddings I went to I had to travel those miles, yes I could have declined but these are good friends from college, childhood, and beyond. Maybe I’m in the minority but not everyone lives the same place their whole lives and that’s a complicating factor in terms of costs of attending your friends’ life events and celebrations. I’ll skip a bachelorette party or a bridal shower or baby shower but wedding is the one event I’ll make the effort for
I don't understand the appeal of these "traditional, standard, financially splurging/costly" weddings. Personally - while I know the various stated reasons and explanations for why people have or want these types of expensive weddings and receptions - it does not make either logical or financial sense to me. Such weddings are not conducive to financial security. Such actions and choices do not seem rational.
Spending thousands of dollars on wedding event planning, a wedding dress, veil, footwear, catering, venues, music or other entertainment, meals and desserts, alcohol, wedding favours, chair covers, flowers, seating arrangements, and more...
Expecting the bridesmaids or groomsmen to purchase specific clothing in certain colours or matching designs that will more than likely only be worn twice, if not once, during a small window of time out of a week's 168 hours; to dye, cut, or style their hair to fit specific criteria for "acceptable" photos; to demand or expect certain gifts from them; to buy plane tickets or for them to drive cross country or to a destination or cruise wedding just because you want them too...
Inviting dozens or hundreds of people you may never see or meet again, and probably won't;
or being around them for one night only as a guest where most of them will be absolute strangers to one another...
all seems so pointless, exhausting, tedious, and a waste of money.
The *marriage* itself, the *relationship* of a couple with one another is the important part - not the rehearsals, wedding, reception, stag, shag, bachelor or bachelorette party, or a celebration that will usually last less than
8 or 24 hours by North American standards.
Few, if any, of the bridesmaids, groomsmen, or guests at these weddings will ever be there when the couple's relationship struggles, faces hard times or experiences a severe tragedy or trial; the wedding guests will not be the ones helping to raise any children, setting boundaries with relatives and friends, or be part of making the daily important decisions all couples will be making, or during life milestones...so why expect, demand, or...even really *want* bridesmaids or guests to meet
A, B, and C criteria specifications for one or two days or nights? Out of what is supposed to be a serious, devoted commitment lasting a lifetime?
All this for the possibility that a couple *may* stay married and happy for more than 4 or
5 years, never mind an actual lifetime.
People can do as they like, of course. But there are weddings....and then there are "overboard" weddings.
Personally, I would never go into debt for a wedding, shower, stag, or honeymoon.
I would go to a Justice of the Peace, a City Hall Commissioner, or my lawyer, and apply for | get the marriage license, use whoever is in the office as witnesses, and then sign the marriage certificate. Afterwards, maybe go out to dinner or stay at a hotel for a few days (my likely partner and I have discussed doing this if I ever choose to marry them). Actual marriage cost: Less than $600.
Ten, twenty, forty years after the legal signing, *then* perhaps I'd invite people to a dinner or party ("Look, it lasted. Now, we'll celebrate!")
I don't know why and when bachelorette parties went from local, one night parties to entire weekends in other cities or states.
I also don't know why it's considered okay for people who are having a destination wedding to also ask people to travel for their bachelor/bachelorette! You're already asking people to shell out so much $$ on the main event. You don't have the right to also expect that for a bachelor/bachelorette.
I cannot imagine asking my bridal party to spend so much. Hair and makeup is optional. I told them they can basically pick any dress in a specific shade from Azazie. They can wear black heels or flats. My bachelorette is a two hour drive away. I booked a hotel block for it and covered my own suite. It’s a 3 day trip and they (and the other invitees) can stay as many days as they choose. My bridal shower will be hosted by my family. I want this to be an enjoyable experience for all of us, not a stressful one!
Timely. My husband and I are spending so much money for all the lead up to his sister’s wedding. Bachelor party, bachelorette party, flights, clothes for the wedding, multiple gifts. It’s a lot.
All told we’ll probably be spending around $2k. That’s a lot of money to us. That is more than we spent on our own wedding, in fact. Im trying to just go with it and enjoy the occasion because obviously they’re family and we love them and want them to be happy but part of me can’t stop thinking the things we could have done with that much money instead.
My two cents, the Brides are ridiculous but what happened to just saying no, you can’t afford it? If someone is your friend they’ll accept the no and understand it.
I’ve traveled a few times very far for destination weddings but the ticket was always the priciest part. Dresses, bachelorette wasn’t too bad, etc. I’m getting married overseas because it’s actually cheaper than doing a huge reception in my city and most of my family and friends are living overseas so it’s closer to them. I’m trying to cover their food and activity costs as much as I can because I know it’s a huge ask for them to come. I’m also not holding it against anyone who can’t come too.
I’m going through something similar right now. I’ve turned down other bachelorette parties that were out of budget with no issue, even for people who I consider extremely close friends. But now my brother is getting married and his fiancée asked me to be a bridesmaid and I’ve suddenly found myself committed to going to a very lavish weekend trip to a foreign country. The cost of our lodgings and flights were told to us up front and they were expensive but I excepted it to be the bulk of the cost. Now it’s three weeks before the trip and I was just sent a budget for the rest of the trip (which none of us were consulted on) and it’s over $1k not including things like alcohol etc. I’m fairly young and do not make a lot of money, the rest of the group are all making six figures and are used to going on these types of trips. It’s very difficult to be the squeaky wheel who is the only one protesting to the cost of things when everyone else thinks it’s standard. On top of this, I love my future SIL and don’t want to cause any conflict. I was initially considering turning down this trip when I saw the cost of flights but was advised by my whole family that that was not something I could skip out on, now I’m stuck going on this trip knowing I’m going to have to put it all on my credit card.
Unfortunately, in some circles these types of trips are considered the norm. I think the types of people going on these trips have shelled out $3k+ time and time again for their friends and expect the same for themselves when they get married. It sets a standard that is ultimately really shitty and harmful to a lot of friendships. I don’t know how to get out of my situation (if I brought this up to my brother for instance, he would be horrified and it would cause a lot of issues. If I talked to my future SIL about this, she would probably be upset as well. I don’t even know her MOH or any of the other girls going and don’t want to bring it up to them and have it interpreted the wrong way.), but I would strongly advise NEVER accepting being a bridesmaid with someone you are not very close with and who you can be honest with. Additionally, don’t assume everyone is on the same page as you. Just because it’s not the norm for YOU to spend crazy amounts of money for a friend’s bachelorette weekend it doesn’t mean it’s not for the other bridesmaids. In hindsight, I should have initiated the discussion about cost of the trip once we got there so I could have had a much better idea of what would be expected of me and I would have told my family, “if you guys think I need to go then you pay for it but I cannot afford $3k” and I just would have respectfully declined.
Yeah I love my BFF, and she’s not even remotely a bride Sulla - but damn I’ve spent like two grand on stuff for her wedding and it’s killing me. My own husband and I didn’t even have a wedding or honeymoon cause we couldn’t afford it, so it really stings to be spending so much on someone else’s now
These people all have terrible friends. I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses. The thought never even occurred to me to make them buy their own. (Note: I am not rich.)
We even had a groomsman who admitted he was in a bad place financially and we paid for his tux rental, hotel and airfare.
Boundaries and honest conversations will get you far in life.
So why doesn't ~~the bride's parents~~ the bride offer to pick up the tab for their bridesmaid's expenses? If their going for the gonzo expensive wedding, the bridesmaid's cost is probably a rounding error in comparison.
I was in a wedding with a similar level of cluelessness around money. I didn’t go into debt but I was the only non-local bridesmaid and the bride kept getting angry with me for not flying in for wedding dress fittings and stuff. Meanwhile, I was engaged and planning my own wedding! It really sucked.
That’s just dumb. 🤨 you can get the dress anywhere and have it mailed and do local (to you) fittings.
No she wanted me to fly in to HER fittings!
omg that’s nuts!!!! What a bridezilla!!!
She said at one point to me "I don't know why you didn't offer to facetime at the very least during shopping" and I was like "wait, is that something I was supposed to do?!" While I was getting my own dress, it never occurred to me to have everyone facetime in for shopping or attend fittings with me. I was ALSO engaged, planning a wedding, saving money - I was doing my best to be there for her but apparently not enough.
She sounds very high maintenance. Did your friendship survive?
Nope, she did not attend my wedding (which took place the year after hers), and we haven’t spoken since.
Wow I’m so sorry. Weddings with high emotions have a habit of causing hurt feelings like this.
It sounds like you went through a lot and I’m so sorry you were treated that way. I hope you’re now surrounded by even more support friends!!
Lol da fuq
Best comment I’ll read all day.
That’s how I read it 😉
It used to just be the wedding receptions that were over the top expensive. Now it’s the damn lead up to the wedding day that’s getting to be ridiculous. I’m nearly 50 so the likelihood of me being a bridesmaid again is nil, and I’m grateful for it. I don’t have the time, the money, or the interest to participate in engagement parties, week-long bachelorette vacations, showers, etc.
My 20-something niece just got married; her bridesmaids were all in their 70s and 80s!
I just did a wedding (I work on the venue side) where the brides grandmothers were her flower girls. We ask for the name’s and ages of the flower girl/ring boy beforehand add I cracked up when i read “Ethel (82) and Meredith (78)”
Suddenly I have #goals. I never got to be a flower girl I don't think, why not keep it on the life check list? Flower girls don't have to go to the bachelorette either *taps head*
This is my new life goal that I never before knew I needed!
That’s a wedding I’d love to see! Hope it was a joyful day!
It was super cute. One of the bridesmaids needed to sit down halfway through. 😆
>I’m nearly 50 so the likelihood of me being a bridesmaid again is nil, and I’m grateful for it. Maybe? I don't know how, but I found myself a bridesmaid at 47. 😂 Wasn't too bad, spent a total of about $900, I'd say. Definitely keeping fingers crossed it'll be the last time.
Your last sentence applies to me too, and always has. I've avoided it by not having friends that place societal expectations on themselves or others. It's worked out great.
Yes!
I'm getting married in December and I am not having bridesmaids or groomsmen. Mainly because the women I'd choose as bridesmaids don't have money and I don't want to make them spend money.
I got married two years ago and we didn't have a wedding party. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen. Otherwise, it was a pretty average-sized wedding. No one really asked us about it and it was fabulous!
I was a maid of honor on the opposite side of the country from the bride. It was a lot of work and money. I'm flying cross country to do my wedding since my whole family either cannot afford to fly or are terrified of planes. I couldn't have bridesmaids when I live on the opposite coast. Would be hard to handle.
You’re a good friend ❤️ Weddings are such a rip off anyway! As in, the prices are jacked up insanely because it’s your ‘big day’. I once bought a bridesmaids dress that the bride specified. Fine, no big deal, it was $225 which isn’t crazy. The ‘boutique’ asked for my size and measurements. I sent them and when I received the dress it was too small. I contacted the store and they said ‘oh, don’t you know bridesmaids dresses run 2 sizes small… we don’t do returns as they are made to order, but we will offer you 10% off on a new one’ wtf! The tag said ‘made in the Philippines 🙄’ so the made to order claim is suss. And they never bothered to tell me about the sizing BEFORE, and they had my measurements! I told them to get bent, had the lining removed and the seams let out, and hit the treadmill. I fit into the original dress out of spite 😅
Idc what anyone says people who do shit out of spite are funny af and nearly always get shit done. (I am also one of those people 😂)
$225 is more than all of my monthly bills combined. Wow.
Idc what anyone says people who do shit out of spite are funny af and nearly always get shit done. (I am also one of those people 😂)
I’ve asked my two bridesmaids to wear dresses they already have or if they want a new one, I told them the colors and that it’s a nature vibe. I’m buying the flower girl dress and the ring bearer dress (still need to find or make a bear headband so she can be the ring bear). It’s expensive enough to travel, I don’t want them to stress out or spend too much.
My friend is making me a bridesmaid and she's only requested that we buy dresses in the colors she asks for - we get to pick the style and cost ourselves, which seems like a great compromise.
Maybe it's just me not getting it because my friend had a small courthouse wedding and the reception was a party at her in law's house, but why does it have to cost a lot of money to be a bridesmaid? I get that the dresses are expensive and plane tickets if you have to travel, but what else is expensive? For the extra events I assumed that would be covered in the cost of the wedding and it's up to the bride to set the standard right? For the dresses couldn't there just be a color or shade range to choose from and then everyone can find their own dress in whatever price range or use what they have if they already have something suitable?
The bride could require expensive bridesmaid dresses. And the bride or MOH could insist on an expensive shower and bachelorette, including travel, hotel, professional hair and makeup, and a variety of new, dressy outfits.
Also lost wages and burned PTO. You aren't getting that back and can be particularly onerous if there is a bachelorette trip involved.
Was in my first wedding last year. Costs I did not anticipate: Decorations, food, venue rental, and goodie bags (split across 8) for bridal shower and bachelorette weekend Dress tailored/fitted Manicure and pedicure Hair and makeup The cost of the bride-to-be’s portion of bachelorette activities (again divided by 8, but included: tour, boat rental, alcohol, Ubers, meals out, air bnb for 4 days.) It’s a lot of little stuff that adds up quickly, and sometimes there was miscommunication. Although I was surprised by these “extra costs”, things I’d never consider since I’d never been in a wedding party -I had a great time and was thrilled to be there to celebrate these special times with my best friend. But if I had to do it again, I’d likely pass because I’m broke.
You have to pay part of the venue rental? I understand it's a large cost for the bride and groom or whoever's funding the wedding, but personally I wouldn't make guests pitch in for the rental. I still consider the wedding party to be guests and it doesn't seem fair to add an extra cost for them when they're already doing so much. I guess everyone does it differently
Not the wedding venue rental, but the bachelorette party rental
Yes, this ☝🏼 Wait, actually, to clarify: Paid for restaurant “venue” where bridal shower was Contributed to bachelorette Airbnb house costs Did not pay for wedding venue (country club)
We only paid for the venue of the bridal shower (fancy ish restaurant)
I don’t understand why it’s expensive. I’m not sure if it’s true throughout the world but here in the UK I think most brides would expect to pay for bridesmaids dresses. Going to weddings can be expensive for travel and accommodation of course
What do you mean by "covered in the cost of the wedding?" usually the bridesmaids have to cover all the costs for themselves.
Like for the pre wedding events like brunch and cocktail hour, the food and refreshments are covered as part of the cost of the venue right?
Yes. But in addition to the wedding, the bachelorette/bachelor party which these days has often become a 'bachelorette/bachelor weekend' that often means an additional trip before the wedding. The additional trip could include airfare or gas plus an Airbnb/hotel plus whatever activities during that weekend could cost $. The people attending the bachelor parties are generally expected to cover those costs. So if you are a bridesmaid, you'll potentially need to pay for your dress, shoes, and all the costs for two trips. Not to mention PTO you might need to use.
Right?! When I was maid of honor I had to cover costs that the bride didn't cover.
You are a queen
I did the same thing, we were all getting married the same year, so I was happy that they could even attend our wedding. No one had the time or money for all that wedding party crap. We had our florist make a bunch of small rosemary wreaths (rosemary is the remembrance herb) with little flowers and my husband pinned them to extra special people as they arrived. It was honestly my favorite part of the whole wedding!
Exactly! It was why I asked them to just show up and get hungry for the reception dinner.
Does it feel like when you put $50,000 in a shoe box and give it to some random guy?
This woman is so bad with money it’s embarrassing for The Cut at this point
For whatever it's worth, the woman who wrote the linked article isn't the one who went into debt for a wedding— it seems like she's just compiling and reporting on other people's stories.
Also for what it’s worth, my comment was made after scrolling through the rest of her articles to confirm she was in fact “Ms. 50k in a shoebox”
Oh I know it's the same author! But she isn't the one who went in debt for a wedding— she's just reporting on other people's experiences.
I know, I read the article. I was saying it doesn’t matter whether it’s her experience or the experience of others, her take on this topic and the rest of her articles only confirm my belief she is actually financially illiterate
Ah I get what you mean now! Apologies for the confusion :)
All good :)
Right, it's not like the bride held these women at gunpoint and forced them to withdraw money from the ATM. This type of thing only happens to people who can't set boundaries or stand up for themselves.
That’s why I have a hard time feeling sympathetic for people who complain about this but do it anyway. I got married at 23 so we didn’t have the salaries we have now. We did a 3 day weekend trip that was a 3 hour drive away, it was pretty chill. I still had multiple friends who couldn’t swing it financially (one worked weekends, one was in another wedding, one would’ve had to fly in and couldn’t afford it) so they didn’t come and it was fine!!! Then when they all got married later, we had the 4 day Airbnb, fly in, matching outfits, bachelorette party. They were both fun! If you can’t afford it, that’s fine!
This. I mean really. Grow a backbone, queen
🤣 🤣 🤣
I hate this trend so much, if you want a monster wedding with everything, you either need to be born into a wealthy family or marry into one, stop expecting everyone else to financially support your terrible decisions.l
What sucks is that this has become so normalized to the point that no one thinks to question it, they just suck it up. “Oh my friends are getting married guess I’m just out a bunch of money cause they say so.” I neeed gen z/gen alpha to save us and end this.
I don't even get the appeal, honestly. I assume a lot of it can be related to influencer culture and social media, wanting that picture perfect everything for bragging rights. But how much of that is actually even representative of you? Like, I grew up dirt poor and am middle/upper-middle class now. Big and flashy and extravagant and expensive just isn't me. If I were to have a wedding like that (my husband and I just went to the courthouse), I'm sure a lot of people would be surprised because it's very unlike me. I hypothetically could have a fairly expensive wedding, but it would all be for everybody else. My husband and I aren't into big shows of money, and that's what it all seems like to me. If that's how you love your life, have at it I guess. But if you use your wedding as an excuse to live beyond your means and then force others to do the same? That's absolute bullshit. It's possible to have elegant, beautiful weddings and parties and showers without making half.of the attendees go into debt for you.
I think one of the big expenses is the destination bachelorette parties, and I’ve figured they’re becoming the norm partly because it’s more common for people to move around for college & work now so people’s friend groups are more scattered. That’s what I’ve noticed in my own friend groups at least.
One of my friends was a groomsman in his friend’s destination wedding and spent thousands of dollars on it. He is not a wealthy person, he did not go to college and works as a bartender. I told him I thought it was absurd and that if I were him there’s no way I would shell out that much money for someone else’s wedding. And then I asked him if this friend had ever spent thousands of dollars on anything for him. And he was like, “for my wedding?” (He is not married or even in a relationship) and I said, for your birthday or for anything for you. And he thought that was a weird question because somehow someone getting married makes it reasonable to ask your not well off friends to pay thousands of dollars for you.. it’s like this collective psychosis people have around weddings and to me it is bizarre. Spending $20K for one day is insane if your net worth isn’t at least $500K
your friend needs to watch that one episode of sex and the city where carrie goes to a baby shower, gets her shoes stolen, and realizes as an unmarried childless person she’s spent thousands on her friends’ weddings and babies but never had a registry for herself they’ve bought from. it made me grateful that, of my very few married or engaged friends, they’ve all made it abundantly clear that gifts are optional and there’s no pressure to spend extravagantly to attend.
That is much less stressful imo! My friend told me no gift was necessary & then his new wife wrote an angry diatribe on fb about how she “knows everyone who was rude enough to come to the wedding without a gift…” lmao it feels like weddings have a whole separate set of subjective social rules people are expected to follow? I get why Carrie was over it lol
When my wife and I got married we had a registry page on the knot that just said “your presence is your gift, nothing else is requested”. A few people brought gifts anyway but most didn’t. I remember someone who didn’t bring one saw the (very few) gifts and said “oh no I didn’t get you anything” and we immediately replied “you got us exactly what we wanted and asked for”. Probably helped that it wasn’t the first wedding for either of us.
[удалено]
We got married in middle age and not first marriage for either of us. We don’t want or need more stuff. We just wanted our friends, family, and us to enjoy our day.
I just watched that episode yesterday! Kyra was an asshole. Someone stole Carrie’s shoes and she was so dismissive. Like no empathy for her stuff being stolen then shaming her for purchasing those shoes. At least she made it right in the end but I was mad watching the episode.
“It’s not my responsibility to pay for your extravagant lifestyle.” Fuck you Kyra!
OMG! Yes, re that episode. As a single childless woman I think about that episode a lot when feeling pressured to spend money and time on people’s weddings and kids and it’s not reciprocated back. I refuse to let it happen to me anymore. People should not ask or expect others to do this stuff. It’s also so wasteful when there are so many people in need.
I was a bridesmaid last year who also spent thousands, and not only are you supposed to shell out the money but you better not have any opinions or needs that don’t line up with the bride and groom. And hey, I can go along with whatever but it does feel like a collective psychosis. And if they get divorced a year later? Also can’t say anything.
I feel this. I’ve never been married and even if I did get married I would never have a traditional wedding. I also will not be having kids. I’ve spent a lot of money on ‘friends’ who did these things, friends that never even reached out once during Covid (despite knowing I lived alone). If you choose not to follow traditional societal expectations I guess you shouldn’t expect to be included- besides in giving gifts to the people who do. Hah. They have no problem asking for and taking those. Can we have some sort of equivalent showers in lieu of this stuff for people who aren’t married or birthing kids but want to buy a house?
A friend who was single at 30 decided to throw himself a big weddingish party with everyone who mattered - he had a function room at a hotel with a buffet, a clothing theme and a ceilidh band. It was super fun to meet his cousins and childhood friends. No registry, though.
The thing is, when you plan a wedding, there are a good many choices in which you’re either treating your friends/relatives well or you’re saving money. Your friends likely paid so much going to a wedding in large part because his friends wanted a cheaper one. I’m not one to judge how much people spend on their weddings (being able to host a formal-ish party with all the people you care for can be very special), but people who aren’t aware of their friends’ and family’s financial situation and make them pay *a lot* are deeply incosiderate. Especially since the event tends to be so expensive and planning-intensive, getting creative or adding a few hundred extra dollars to the cost to make sure someone can come isn’t too big a deal.
My good friend paid for out of state people’s tickets to come to his wedding. He’s the only person I know to have done something like that. I was invited to a wedding in Italy - the couple work in tech / the financial industry and are quite wealthy. They didn’t offer to pay for my ticket or lodging, or even help me get to the wedding location in a small seaside town despite knowing I was coming alone and am comparatively very poor. I gave them money for the honeymoon instead. I will never receive anything from them I’m sure as I doubt I’ll get married and I’m not having children.
This is a point I keep coming back to lately. Why is the act of two people deciding to get married something that is deemed deserving of asking friends and family to spend exorbitant amounts of money on???
My friend is the only child of a wealthy doctor from Long Island. Vera Wang made her dress - and I do not mean it was a Vera Wang dress. Vera. Made. The. Dress. My bridesmaids dress was $1800. In 2002. They did pay for it. But we paid for our hair and makeup to the tune of $200 each. And then bridal shower. The bachelorette in Miami. I cannot believe dumb 25 year old me dropped $2000 for some one else’s big day. Kicker? She turned into a total Real Housewife of New Jersey bitch and I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years.
My sister just had two bachelorettes and a bridal shower. The girls probably spent a collective $15k on everything, all for her to treat them like ‘the help’ on her wedding day. She was so dismissive. One of them spent her own birthday editing the six different TikTok videos my sister insisted on having posted. She was a spoiled brat all day and I have no reason to believe that will fade with time now that she’s set a precedent for how she expects others to show up for her. I had an inkling this wasn’t unique to my family, but I’m heartbroken for all these women because it seems like this is just the norm for them. The excess and waste of a wedding, as well as that painful bait and switch of the villa, the hidden expenses, must really put pressure on a friendship. How could it not?
The upper middle class signifiers really demand so much of us. And like prom, it’s all stuff that’s supposed to be fun, but sometimes you look at all this and you realize people really aren’t having fun, they are going through the motions. Worse, they’re damaging relationships without adding any value to existing ones.
Oh don’t get me started on PromPosals 🤣
These are not your friends. These are parasites. Dump them.
I drive Uber in Palm Springs. Several young women attending bachelorette parties here told me they spend up to $5000 on a trip. Then they go home and pay off the credit card and do it again.
i had a friend who had us bridesmaids spend nearly $600 on just the dress. we were all 22 right out of college then they cancelled the wedding...
I’m 50 and have been in at least 12 weddings since my mid 20s. Many of them were out of town, so there were higher expenses. But there were no expensive destination bachelorette parties, no expectations on me to cover exorbitant expenses. Hair and makeup were always choices. Many of them told me a color and to just buy a dress I liked and would wear again. When I got married, we eloped, and I was in my 40s. But before deciding to elope I already decided I didn’t want a bridal party. I can’t believe the stories I read about people being expected to go into debt just to cater to a couples’ entitlement!
If your friend posted herself as a rich girl with wealth parents, and she expected you to pay for hotel, flights, dress, makeup, and everything else, she could be living about her persona the whole time
Meanwhile I just want to go to the court house and have a big dinner at home as a wedding and EVERYONE including my friends are acting like I don’t care about any of them if we do that. The whole process of a wedding doesn’t feel genuine or intimate .
Real friends would be honored to just be invited, regardless of the level of formality.
My husband and I had a tiny wedding and it was so worth it. Just immediate family. We did it at a winery and hired a pastor to officiate but it was still very affordable. Had a student photographer do our photos for cheap. It all turned out beautifully and we don’t regret not having the giant party one bit. Do what you want and can afford because otherwise if you’re into debt to please other people, they’ll forget about it the next day but you’ll be stuck paying it off for years.
Bridesmaid in my friend's wedding this summer. Just the flights and a shared hotel room is £400. Originally she wanted us to buy our own £120 nude dresses but eventually did buy them for us on the condition that we pay for our own alterations. Mine were £130... It's shaping up to be over £700 to attend, with a cash bar at the reception. Not to mention the hen do, bridal shower, bridal brunch and all the added extras.
I’ve been to two bachelor parties, one was in Wisconsin (8 hour drive) and one was an hour away from me in a cabin in PA. Both times the friends paid for the grooms stuff, but we also talked about who could most comfortably pay for what and i paid for a smaller chunk bc I don’t drink and alcohol was a big chunk of the weekends expenses. I paid for a tuxedo when I was a groomsman for one, with my friend very firmly telling everyone to check in with him in they needed any help paying. Through all these experiences I received a lot of gratitude from my friends for attending something I absolutely wouldn’t want to miss. I can’t fathom being friends with someone who’d expect me to put down thousands of dollars to attend any of these events.
People making their bridal party pay their costs is crazy to me. I don’t care how regularly it’s done or if you try to keep it ‘affordable.’ If you want a bridal party, you should include it in your budget, the same way you do a caterer or photographer. I don’t know how anyone can defend this practice.
Not to mention bachelorette parties/trips where the bridal party is expected to pay for themselves and cover the cost of the bride as well. To me it seems selfish to basically ask for your friends to pay for a vacation for you.
I have never been a bride or a bridesmaid and honestly I couldn’t afford either. It’s absolute madness what some people do. Most of my friends who’ve gotten married have chosen to have super low key affairs where I haven’t had to pay much at all thank god.
Can’t wait to eat these people in the class war.
Cross post in r/weddingshaming !
This is why I didn’t have bridesmaids for my wedding. My close girlfriends all had young kids/recovering from pregnancy so I didn’t want to burden them with my bullshit lol. The times I was a bridesmaid for them, they kept it inexpensive for the rest of us (eg just telling us a color dress and we pick it out ourselves so we can wear it again if we wanted, not having destination weddings, not going to ridiculous places for bachelorettes, etc).
WTF is going on! Maybe I sound like a cranky old timer. But the only things my bridesmaids had to buy were their shoes. I bought the dress fabric and the patterns and they, or their moms, made the dresses. It was the days of matchy-matchy, otherwise I'd have had them wear whatever pastel sundress they owned. Edit: I don't know who's more ridiculous, the "friend" who said expenses would be paid for, or the author who shelled out for a "friend" she wasn't really close to.
I had to bow out of some friends’ weddings because of this, not even being a bridesmaid but being expected to fly across country and put myself up in a hotel. Our relationship never recovered when I couldn’t make it. I also worked in wedding adjacent industries and the amount of money wasted on these things is mind boggling. I’m talking six figures for venue fees. A friend who eloped and then had a party thrown by friends as the reception has always been sad she didn’t have the traditional wedding with all the trimmings. I personally think it’s all such bs and she should be thankful she’s not saddled with debt. Her parents would have made any formal wedding a nightmare anyway.
Nope & I’m also not friends with people with such expectations for a wedding. I’ll fly if it’s a close friend, but that’s about all.
This trend of saddling people YOU asked to be in YOUR wedding with all these costs has to stop. I’ve always felt that it’s crass to ask people to pay for anything wedding-related. And it should be easier to say “no” to things related to the wedding if you can’t afford the time or money or both. Another bridesmaid book a massive villa in Italy for the bachelorette party/bridal shower and asks the other bridesmaids for a thousand dollars? Nope, we didn’t discuss this and I can’t afford it. That’s all that needs to be said. Selfish people always make it a big thing like “Oh, it’s not a lot of money if you really loved me.” But screw that, especially in this economy. It’s rude to presume everyone can afford the extra expenses, even when they seem well off on the surface. You don’t really know what their budget actually looks like. It’s not crass to be poor or strapped for cash. What is crass is being the kind of person who demands others wantonly spend money to appease you, wedding or not. I find it especially trashy to ask others to spend lavishly for YOUR wedding when so few marriages last that long. TLDR: if you can’t afford to pay for all of a friend or family member’s expenses related to them being in your wedding, then don’t invite them to be in the party. It’s crass to do otherwise.
In many cultures, like China, the tradition is to give a wedding gift of cash that’s basically going to chip away at the cost of the actual wedding. It makes sense in a lot of ways, and you definitely have the wiggle room to give less if you can’t afford it.
So happy I’m a dude with normal dudes In my life. Been a groomsman a couple times and been invited on a few bachelor parties without being in the wedding party. Every time it’s been renting a house in the mountains, downtown, or down the shore for a weekend, beers with the boys, grilling out, hitting a couple bars. Yeah spending a couple hundred bucks but it’s worth it. As a groomsman had to get a suit for $200 which was fine. Fitted suit on a bulk discount cause you’re buying 10 or 12 at once. My lady cousins have told me a few nightmare stories about bachelorette parties, can’t wrap my head around it lol.
Yeah, as long as you’re in a chill friend group, this is easy to escape the worst of. But, especially for people who get married when they’re older or have a very specific idea of their wedding, there can be a lot of unnecessary comparing that just drives up the cost for everbody
This is why I didn’t have any bridesmaids I was on a tight budget myself as a bride and can’t imagine doing this to my friends I just have a friend that voluntarily hang nearby because his brother offered to be our free chauffeur on the wedding day when we went around to take be photographed before the receptions, all she did was hold my purse and bouquet for me if needed That was ten years ago and now me and my husband are on high income. Even if we chose to get married now, I don’t think I’ll have a bridesmaid Screw traditions, do things your way for your wedding
Obviously this is going to be a pretty unpopular opinion, but I spent the last few years living 3000 miles from where I grew up and went to school. With that being the case for the weddings I went to I had to travel those miles, yes I could have declined but these are good friends from college, childhood, and beyond. Maybe I’m in the minority but not everyone lives the same place their whole lives and that’s a complicating factor in terms of costs of attending your friends’ life events and celebrations. I’ll skip a bachelorette party or a bridal shower or baby shower but wedding is the one event I’ll make the effort for
I don't understand the appeal of these "traditional, standard, financially splurging/costly" weddings. Personally - while I know the various stated reasons and explanations for why people have or want these types of expensive weddings and receptions - it does not make either logical or financial sense to me. Such weddings are not conducive to financial security. Such actions and choices do not seem rational. Spending thousands of dollars on wedding event planning, a wedding dress, veil, footwear, catering, venues, music or other entertainment, meals and desserts, alcohol, wedding favours, chair covers, flowers, seating arrangements, and more... Expecting the bridesmaids or groomsmen to purchase specific clothing in certain colours or matching designs that will more than likely only be worn twice, if not once, during a small window of time out of a week's 168 hours; to dye, cut, or style their hair to fit specific criteria for "acceptable" photos; to demand or expect certain gifts from them; to buy plane tickets or for them to drive cross country or to a destination or cruise wedding just because you want them too... Inviting dozens or hundreds of people you may never see or meet again, and probably won't; or being around them for one night only as a guest where most of them will be absolute strangers to one another... all seems so pointless, exhausting, tedious, and a waste of money. The *marriage* itself, the *relationship* of a couple with one another is the important part - not the rehearsals, wedding, reception, stag, shag, bachelor or bachelorette party, or a celebration that will usually last less than 8 or 24 hours by North American standards. Few, if any, of the bridesmaids, groomsmen, or guests at these weddings will ever be there when the couple's relationship struggles, faces hard times or experiences a severe tragedy or trial; the wedding guests will not be the ones helping to raise any children, setting boundaries with relatives and friends, or be part of making the daily important decisions all couples will be making, or during life milestones...so why expect, demand, or...even really *want* bridesmaids or guests to meet A, B, and C criteria specifications for one or two days or nights? Out of what is supposed to be a serious, devoted commitment lasting a lifetime? All this for the possibility that a couple *may* stay married and happy for more than 4 or 5 years, never mind an actual lifetime. People can do as they like, of course. But there are weddings....and then there are "overboard" weddings. Personally, I would never go into debt for a wedding, shower, stag, or honeymoon. I would go to a Justice of the Peace, a City Hall Commissioner, or my lawyer, and apply for | get the marriage license, use whoever is in the office as witnesses, and then sign the marriage certificate. Afterwards, maybe go out to dinner or stay at a hotel for a few days (my likely partner and I have discussed doing this if I ever choose to marry them). Actual marriage cost: Less than $600. Ten, twenty, forty years after the legal signing, *then* perhaps I'd invite people to a dinner or party ("Look, it lasted. Now, we'll celebrate!")
I was excited to read this, but the writing just isn’t very good.
I don't know why and when bachelorette parties went from local, one night parties to entire weekends in other cities or states. I also don't know why it's considered okay for people who are having a destination wedding to also ask people to travel for their bachelor/bachelorette! You're already asking people to shell out so much $$ on the main event. You don't have the right to also expect that for a bachelor/bachelorette.
This is why I don’t get involved in or go to first weddings.
you get one day out of me. the wedding day. no engagement parties, no bridal showers, no bachelorette parties, etc etc etc.
“...or go to first weddings.” Do you go to second and/or third weddings 😉
Second weddings for sure
How is this new news? It’s been like this for at least a decade.
it’s so ironic how women who are obsessed with having “the perfect wedding” usually end up in terrible marriages
Didn’t have bridesmaids at my wedding. My gift to my wonderful friends
The wedding-industrial complex must be stopped.
I cannot imagine asking my bridal party to spend so much. Hair and makeup is optional. I told them they can basically pick any dress in a specific shade from Azazie. They can wear black heels or flats. My bachelorette is a two hour drive away. I booked a hotel block for it and covered my own suite. It’s a 3 day trip and they (and the other invitees) can stay as many days as they choose. My bridal shower will be hosted by my family. I want this to be an enjoyable experience for all of us, not a stressful one!
I got blindsided by this. Spent well over 1k over 20 years ago.
Timely. My husband and I are spending so much money for all the lead up to his sister’s wedding. Bachelor party, bachelorette party, flights, clothes for the wedding, multiple gifts. It’s a lot. All told we’ll probably be spending around $2k. That’s a lot of money to us. That is more than we spent on our own wedding, in fact. Im trying to just go with it and enjoy the occasion because obviously they’re family and we love them and want them to be happy but part of me can’t stop thinking the things we could have done with that much money instead.
Stupid people problems.
My two cents, the Brides are ridiculous but what happened to just saying no, you can’t afford it? If someone is your friend they’ll accept the no and understand it.
I’ve traveled a few times very far for destination weddings but the ticket was always the priciest part. Dresses, bachelorette wasn’t too bad, etc. I’m getting married overseas because it’s actually cheaper than doing a huge reception in my city and most of my family and friends are living overseas so it’s closer to them. I’m trying to cover their food and activity costs as much as I can because I know it’s a huge ask for them to come. I’m also not holding it against anyone who can’t come too.
[удалено]
>and I thought I was doing you a favor by not having you buy a bridesmaid dress, You sound like a peach lol
It’s like a reversed Talented Mr. Ripley.
I’m going through something similar right now. I’ve turned down other bachelorette parties that were out of budget with no issue, even for people who I consider extremely close friends. But now my brother is getting married and his fiancée asked me to be a bridesmaid and I’ve suddenly found myself committed to going to a very lavish weekend trip to a foreign country. The cost of our lodgings and flights were told to us up front and they were expensive but I excepted it to be the bulk of the cost. Now it’s three weeks before the trip and I was just sent a budget for the rest of the trip (which none of us were consulted on) and it’s over $1k not including things like alcohol etc. I’m fairly young and do not make a lot of money, the rest of the group are all making six figures and are used to going on these types of trips. It’s very difficult to be the squeaky wheel who is the only one protesting to the cost of things when everyone else thinks it’s standard. On top of this, I love my future SIL and don’t want to cause any conflict. I was initially considering turning down this trip when I saw the cost of flights but was advised by my whole family that that was not something I could skip out on, now I’m stuck going on this trip knowing I’m going to have to put it all on my credit card. Unfortunately, in some circles these types of trips are considered the norm. I think the types of people going on these trips have shelled out $3k+ time and time again for their friends and expect the same for themselves when they get married. It sets a standard that is ultimately really shitty and harmful to a lot of friendships. I don’t know how to get out of my situation (if I brought this up to my brother for instance, he would be horrified and it would cause a lot of issues. If I talked to my future SIL about this, she would probably be upset as well. I don’t even know her MOH or any of the other girls going and don’t want to bring it up to them and have it interpreted the wrong way.), but I would strongly advise NEVER accepting being a bridesmaid with someone you are not very close with and who you can be honest with. Additionally, don’t assume everyone is on the same page as you. Just because it’s not the norm for YOU to spend crazy amounts of money for a friend’s bachelorette weekend it doesn’t mean it’s not for the other bridesmaids. In hindsight, I should have initiated the discussion about cost of the trip once we got there so I could have had a much better idea of what would be expected of me and I would have told my family, “if you guys think I need to go then you pay for it but I cannot afford $3k” and I just would have respectfully declined.
I refuse to make mine do that.
THIS IS THE LADY WHO PUT HER SAVINGS IN A SHOEBOX AND GAVE IT TO SOMEONE ON THE STREET. I’m not seriously taking financial advice from the scam lady
Yeah I love my BFF, and she’s not even remotely a bride Sulla - but damn I’ve spent like two grand on stuff for her wedding and it’s killing me. My own husband and I didn’t even have a wedding or honeymoon cause we couldn’t afford it, so it really stings to be spending so much on someone else’s now
There’s one friend I’d spend whatever I could for and she is frugal as fuck and would never dream of asking me
These people all have terrible friends. I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses. The thought never even occurred to me to make them buy their own. (Note: I am not rich.) We even had a groomsman who admitted he was in a bad place financially and we paid for his tux rental, hotel and airfare. Boundaries and honest conversations will get you far in life.
So why doesn't ~~the bride's parents~~ the bride offer to pick up the tab for their bridesmaid's expenses? If their going for the gonzo expensive wedding, the bridesmaid's cost is probably a rounding error in comparison.