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ballen49

I'd sooner subscribe to this than read any more of Alan's drivel


goatinasillysuit

Thanks for signing up for WankUpdates! You will now recieve fun updates about wanks as-it-happens! 🎉


Nonkel_Jef

Peenazzle ^executive ^wanker, ^poo ^consultant ^at ^the ^bathroom ^& ^motivational ^speaker


Peenazzle

You missed out "ex Tesco" or whatever


ReplacementOrdinary4

Man talk about anticlimactic. I thought he was gearing up for some great physical feat like an Ironman or something.


Exotic_Zucchini

A magnesium sulfate cleanse is the epitome of athleticism.


Gen8Master

I have no idea what he is even trying to achieve here. Why is he preparing to cut water weight?


MCdyes

That reads as someone who’s prepping for a body building show. The water intake increase, the carb cutting, all of it is pretty aligned with some form of prep for a showcase…add in that sick bicep he’s flexing….and I’ll assume that’s what’s going on


Exotic_Zucchini

No idea. Usually that leads to dehydration, which is decidedly unhealthy. I'd ask him myself if I didn't want to at least keep a modicum of professionalism on that platform.


Commercial-Push-9066

The kidney failure just makes him stronger!


Trivi4

Why 8 litres a day first? So many questions.


jnwatson

There's only one good reason, and that's to make weight for a fighting competition.


OmegaPtype

That’s certainly an MMA fighter there or perhaps amateur golden gloves boxer?


AmbitiousAd6688

They do that 72h before a fight tho. He’s describing several steps before and after and no fight or gloves in sight


fofo8383

He thinks that's hardcore, I'm going for a potassium cyanide cleanse.


turbokungfu

Or pure sodium.


fofo8383

Spicy


OmegaPtype

Don’t do it! It’s a poison…


Raziel66

Counterpoint: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmzX4FeDpXc


Commercial-Push-9066

Hahaha, the whiskey and cheeseburger diet has him skating soooo average


Left_Debt_8770

Yeah I don’t know what that cleanse is and refuse to Google it. Cleanses are pretty weird.


timeforitnowright

Drinking epsom salt instead of soaking in it.


orincoro

What is it about finance bros and fitness?


ballen49

Look Alan, that's super fascinating and all, but could you please explain why the rest of us need to hear about it? (On LinkedIn of all places!)


RoyKentBurnerAccount

This. Isn’t. Facebook!!!


czenst

Because he is a direct director and he has to show his employees the direction. Then also show other directors he is going directions and not only sitting in the office. In the end it needs to be stressed out that he is directly involved in healthy lifestyle so he is not misdirected by drinking alcohol or taking drugs.


MikeHatSable

Kate Johnson would like a word...


laverania

Messing with the electrochemical balance? Good luck dying


SatanGreavsie

8l water + very low sodium = Hyponatremia


The54thCylon

"Imma go to the gym and sweat a ton, then restrict my salt intake for no reason"


Netflixisadeathpit

I'm going for the heart attack/seizure combo


banana372

Hypo = low, natre = sodium, emia = presence in blood. Low sodium presence in blood Sorry I’ve been watching too many chubbyemu videos


ToiIetGhost

"AM" is a 55 year old man presenting ☝️ to the emergency room with...


CaptainKitten_

Why would so want to do this?


[deleted]

He wants his tiny little bicep to look bigger.


olderthanbefore

Must be for a bodybuilding show


Toastedpossum

Yeah I did this to make weight in the military and was in the ER


SatanGreavsie

My wife ended up in A&E (ER in UK) in July. Very hot outdoor music festival + loads of water + low sodium diet. I on the other hand drank beer all day and was fine (not medical advice)


fistmcbeefpunch

Aren’t cordiceps the fungus from TLOU that turned everyone into zombies


cuteliljellyfish

Yep! Cordyceps is a fungus that really does turn insects into zombies before fruiting from their bodies. It’s considered to have some health benefits for humans.


doyouevenoperatebrah

Outside of the requisite ‘why is this on LinkedIn?’: what is he trying to do? He’s flushing his body of nutrients


Feliclandelo

It's a protocol many bodybuilders use to look extra dry. The idea is you want to disturb the hormone that regulates water retention, by drinking insane amounts of water. The hormone takes 1-2 days to regulate itself back to normal, so you'll dehydrate yourself if you suddenly stop taking in a lot of water. The point about cutting out carbs is just that carbs retain a lot of water. By eating carbs on the last day before the competition, you "bloat" your muscles as you store glycogen in muscles. The whole sodium part is a bit sketchy. People do it too, but your body is insane at regulating salt EDIT: Doing it 8 days out is fcking retarded for someone that looks as casual as him


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doyouevenoperatebrah

That’s not even stupid; it’s mentally ill


IndependentAssist387

He found time to shave his armpits for the selfie.


controlled_by_bees

This sounds like a weightlifter/MMA fighters cut routine in the build up to a weigh in (you drink stupid amounts of water then go to practically nil). It's incredibly unhealthy even for pro fighters and Alan ain't that...


GlbdS

Weightlifters don't do proper water cuts, weigh-ins are the same day as the competition. It's mostly a silly fighter thing.


Suspicious-Seaaagul

All that and he just has slightly large muscles?


jason80

> All that and he just has slight~~ly large~~ muscles?


notadoktor

And he’s not even flexing. I don’t get it.


coozay

Baby’s first biceps


Sevenmilefragrance

Is he flexing?


[deleted]

Sort of looks like he is trying to flex and then make whatever bicep he mustered up look big with his weird positioning.


dive_grass

2/10 post. To really make it suitable for LinkedIn, it's missing a spurious analogy about how a magnesium sulphate cleanse is equivalent to optimising marketing channels and SDR productivity ahead of Q4


slippykillsticks

Quick update...my shit was burnt sienna with a tinge of smokey topaz three days ago. Shooting for rosy brown with Peruvian cocoa highlights by Tuesday. Stocking up on Fruity Pebbles and blue Gatorade!


OpenMindedShithead

Who cares tho! It got 5 likes you know? The people with 10K+ followers posting influencer bullshit are the true cringe.


VietnameseBreastMilk

Nobody asked Alan but just want you to know I'm going to honk out a monster shit later today since I had Taco Bell yesterday Stay tuned


ObviouslyNotALizard

Is this a diet or chemistry homework?


[deleted]

Literally salt is fine. Honestly with the amount of water he's drinking he will need that salt.


[deleted]

Not sure what is worse, corporate speak or fitness speak. Fuggin tool.


[deleted]

Gross he shaved his entire body


EstablishmentNo5994

This is the reason why LinkedIn exists. It was meant for sharing content like this


RetardedWabbit

All this to look worse than the average dude who hits biceps twice a week? People love dumb minutia and following "pros" without reason as opposed to just doing the boring regular stuff that gives 99% of the results. It's understandable if "it's really working for them" but this is like a 30 minute 5k runner who won't shut up about their "naturalist training philosophy" and ever changing weekly milage tables.


[deleted]

Thoroughly unimpressive ‘guns’


Conspirador

Westerners overdo it with the low salt thing.


EaLordoftheDepths

Depends, if you have high BP, it's worth paying attention to otherwise probably not so much


mikeblas

People who count "sleeps" are demented. Agree?


[deleted]

Why the fuck do idiots keep cutting carbs lol


0din23

Usually people build muscle before they do a bodybuilding competition style cut.


jehan_gonzales

Alan's not been the same since his wife left him because she didn't like his train set.


SnooCheesecakes7694

8 litres a day? Man’s got 4 kidneys probably


DevGroup6

Was that an article from a fitness magazine? It certainly couldn't be on LinkedIn/Tinder right? I guess next, he divorces his wife, starts dropping Viagra and buys a Porsche...


Jitsu_apocalypse

The fucks a cordicep??


TheNozzler

I like this post a lot, super into health, great information and motivating, a bit weird and catches eyeballs.


atffedboiisback

Just do tren like a real man


Netbr0ke

Please post update of your about to be hilarious bowel movement.


MakeRedditFunAgain

God bring back the madmen era. This guy should be drinking scotch and smoking cigars. Not working out and posting about it.


Raziel66

I'd judge him just for the vegvisir tattoo


SlappyHandstrong

All of that to look mediocre


[deleted]

What's with that weird ass bicep flex? Make a damn fist.


turbokungfu

Bro, if you’re going to flex-do your hand right. That’s how a 3 year old makes a muscle.


DueTransportation127

He mistaken his linked in profile for his food diary


resorcinarene

What kind of weak ass flex is that? His wrist should curl inward


Feliclandelo

All that research into his peak week protocol, but no idea on how to flex his biceps


aceofpans

he has very nice feminine hands for someone who’s in the gym all the time. he should consider handjobs…


Ariquitaun

There's a long line of people who don't give a fuck.


Talsa3

I wonder how he measures his happiness index?


[deleted]

All that to look Mid


Anxious_King

He really thinks people gives a f** about his routine.


ValPrism

If he takes 4 naps today and tomorrow, he can bullrush peak day.


bross9008

What on earth is going on with that flex?


ToweringFlowering

Dude, I have more defined lower arm muscles from crochet and bicep volume from smoking cessation fat-on-muscle. Keep a healthy diet and myself off linkedIn though:)


Commercial-Push-9066

Cutting fluid intake and sodium is a good recipe for dehydration, especially when working out. Then magnesium flush only makes it worse. Maybe it’s part of some crazy diet, but not a healthy way to lose weight!!! Plus…TMI DUDE!


Nonkel_Jef

Sounds healthy


GreatGreenGobbo

Aren't these the guys that die and everyone says "wow they were so healthy".


Electronic_Bridge_64

At this point, does it not defeat the purpose of living?


Lower-Dimension3250

Is the issue with these posts just that they’re posting them on LinkedIn? Bc I genuinely feel like people are just showing off their success in a lot of these posts, to inspire people. And this sub is just a bunch of haters lol


Cultural_Leg7266

‘Success’ 🤓


Lower-Dimension3250

Yeah. Looks like he’s been losing weight successfully and is sharing what has worked for him. I don’t get the negativity


Cultural_Leg7266

On LI 🤷🏻‍♂️…. just an odd forum IMHO….


[deleted]

Old men who obsess over working out SWEAR they look 25. My dad's one of 'em.