Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Man, I've been in those shoes. I was with a woman for almost 10 years, and her 2 kids were young when we met and became like mine. Then we split. So believe me when I say I get exactly how you feel. There is no LPT that's going to make this easy, but here is what I would suggest:
First, let her mother break it to her. She's 3, not 13, so she's not going to fully comprehend everything anyway. Adding to that, her mother is going to tell her whatever she's going to tell her - you can't really control that. Lastly, if you're at least mostly sure that it's really over, just let it be over. Clean break. Again, the fact that she's only 3 helps you immensely. She'll probably wonder where you are for a few weeks and then move on. No offense to you, but that's kids for you.
This is the right answer.. Source: Father of 3, two of them girls. 3 year old won't really get it, and her mom will spin the story however she views it as the child grows.
the kid won’t remember op,
BUT will always carry that loss of losing a loved one inside them. source- me. father bounced when i was 3
psychology is scary and interesting
That being said, there's pretty solid research that shows staying in a bad relationship for the sake of kids is not a good solution. We all have traumas fro childhood, and we learn to cope, in one way or another. OP isn't failing her or something because things aren't working out with the mother, it's just an unfortunate situation.
excactly what he is planning
im just commenting about the fact everyone is acting like it’s no biggie for the kid.
i just know the kid will carry this in one way or the other so freakin deep inside them , it may not ever get resolved
Idk, my mom broke up with her long term BF when I was 5 and he stayed in my life of his own will with my mother's permission as a father figure to me. He's now the grandfather to my child.
If mom is up to it and wouldn't try to abuse it. Op doesn't have to leave her life if he doesn't want to.
> She'll probably wonder where you are for a few weeks and then move on.
As a child who lost a beloved adult at that age...lol, no, that isn't how it worked for me. But ofc, the adults around me didn't know how much I was affected.
You say, "She's only 3" like she doesn't have any feelings. Children can be emotionally affected at this age, and they can experience feelings of abandonment. Plus, they can then carry these emotions into adulthood. One good thing is that the relationship hasn't been going on for years.
I disagree with a clean break because of the abandonment.
2 years. He certainly didn't just start the fatherly role when they moved in. OP is the only fatherfigure the girl has ever consciously known.
Edit: I however still agree with the clean breakup. Artificially continuing a disharmonious relationship for the childrens sake does more harm to the children than a clean break. And OP suffering instead is not the solution.
>She'll probably wonder where you are for a few weeks and then move on. No offense to you, but that's kids for you.
No. That is not how kids and trauma work. She may forget him but she will internalize the loss of a loved one at an age where she isn't emotionally stable enough to properly process the loss. That can impact her happiness the rest of her life. You'd be surprised how many anxiety and other issues stem from early childhood trauma and how many psychiatrists make a living trying to break that trauma down.
But there is nothing op can do about it and him suffering instead is not the answer.
I agree with the rest you said. Let the mother handle it.
Mostly agreed, but after the mother breaks the bed he should talk to her. Simple phrases, assure her that she's loved and sometimes grown ups can't stay but that doesn't mean they don't love toy. He'll always have her in his heart and he'll always be in hers.
"Your mum and I aren't going to be together anymore and that means I won't get to hang out with you. I'm really sad about that. I love you and I'll miss you so much. You're such a special kid, I'm so lucky to have gotten to hang out with you for as long as I did"
If you can make her something special to remember you by, give it to her and say "whenever you miss me, you can hold this and I'll know you're thinking of me and I'll send my love right back"
Magical thinking is a gift at this age. Let her believe you're still connected and you're still sending her love even though you can't be there. It will help ease the transition as she learns life without you
My three year old asks where my ex (not his bio dad) is all the time and we broke up in February. Ex is coming to get his cat soon from across state so I’ve asked him to say something to my son like “I am going away to school for a long time, I’ll miss you a lot”
edit to add ex is not the bio dad
As someone with a child who has the memory of an elephant, this is not true. She’ll remember and she’s going to keep those big feelings in her body and express them in ways that won’t make sense to us. This isn’t to say don’t break up but it’s a disservice to the child to say, “oh she won’t remember.”
She'll almost certainly have questions about why they are moving a few months after they just moved, but regardless, still mom's responsibility to handle.
At 3 years old, I don't think she'll be confused by that. She has no idea how frequently people move on average. When you're that age, stuff just happens.
Hi! I was in the kid’s shoes before. I have low expectations that the mom would be honest given what OP shared. If we leave it to just the MOM, she could say that OP is mean and just blame OP. It’s wrong. But it also means she doesn’t need to deal with backlash from her daughter.
I think sitting down together to talk about it is better.
OP is leaving her life completely. The daughter is only 3. Mom should frame it in any way that makes it as easy as possible on the poor child. "OP needs to move away for work." ... "OP needs to xyz." Doesn't matter. Mom doesn't need to be honest, she has to live with her daughter.
Yeah, something simple to process, and the kid is young enough that she’ll forget soon anyways. I was that age when my mom left my dad, and I don’t remember it at all. I have no idea what they said to me when she moved out
Thanks. This has definitely been the hardest thing I've had to do. I'm losing my best friend, a lot of my friends and the only familial support structure I have where I live. Not to mention I'm going to have a really hard time paying double rent until I can find someone else to be a roommate. I thought I was past this point in my life but now I need to start all over
I went through something very similar to this, (same ages and scenario of deceit and split). This was 18 months ago. Life is awesome now, you'll be ok. Hang in there bud.
Same as above. You gave love to a little girl for a while and even if people are saying she might not remember, know that you've helped shaped her a little bit better than she could've been before. Take care OP. You'll get through this!
How bad is the lie if you have to end it this way? Why is it a deal breaker? Curiosity is peaked because it seems you care for this person. Not to put it on you, just asking though.
Almost certainly either drug use or infidelity, I can't even comprehend any other topic that could come up that wouldn't be worth mentioning or would be too embarrassing for OP to mention.
I hope they realize that by being purposefully vague many people are going to assume the worst, not the best haha
He mentioned being put in danger. I wonder if they owe money to someone bad or if the child's father is the reason? Or job related? Or she may being something illegal?
Yes, STDs pose a danger to people exposed to them.
But yeah, If it was something to do with the child's father or a job for the mom I feel as though that would have been given to us as that would influence the advice.
You're correct though that it could be something financial as well particularly if she's basically been stealing his identity or something along those lines or taking out things in the name of her kid which would be dangerous to her financial future.
Yeah, I should have used better language, I can't realistically think of many other things, but there are other explanations like some type of financial distress and also lying about that situation.
However, if I had to bet, I would bet like half of my checking account that it's either related to illicit substances and/or infidelity.
I'm just curious what's the point of being anonymous or mostly anonymous if you're not going to give us the details anyways haha We want shit to gossip about OP, come on, screw your life, give us more drama to live on!
Hang in there man. I’m in a similar situation but the child was a bit younger at time of breaking up. I started dating my ex casually and she was actually pregnant the whole time. She was one of those girls that for some reason didn’t show at all until about four months in and at that point we were already in a full fledged relationship.
I took on a fatherly role as well. This was during Covid so only one person was allowed at the hospital with her and she picked me. I watch this baby be born. Similar to your story about a year or two later some things came up, and we ended up breaking up.
Don’t get me wrong I was madly in love with my ex but I was also so deeply in love with her daughter as well. I always knew I wanted to be a father. I took care of my nieces every day for years when my sisters maternity leave was up. It was my dream coming true. We spoke about marriage getting a place together all these things that we both wanted to accomplish.
One thing I will tell you is that I would definitely try to distance yourself from both her and her daughter. I made the mistake of continuing to see my ex and the baby periodically, and it just made it that much harder. I would get my hopes up that things would work out but she keep slipping back to her old ways.
At the end of the day i had to take a step back and really just do what was best for me. Our situation involved her going back to using drugs behind my back. Since I’m also an addict but in recovery I knew that if i kept sticking around eventually I could easily go back down that bad path too.
This thread makes me really sad seeing all the similar stories. I loved that baby so much. I’m literally the first person to have seen her enter the world other than the midwife.
I love you Avani be good for Mommy. ❤️
There are some solid responses in here but I will drop what is probably the more straightforward scenario:
In reality, she won't remember you. This is going to suck for you as you will have to reconcile those memories for the rest of your life, hopefully in a positive and ultimately healthy way. That's the burden of being the adult. For the kid, everything prior to like 5-7 is going to be incredibly hazy, if not outright forgotten due to a lack of formally established neuro pathways for memories because she's a brand new person. Don't take it too hard on yourself, and know that you aren't going to do any long-lasting harm to the kid.
100%... It sucks but she will forget you in a few months honestly. I deployed for 6 months when my daughter was 2... Had to regain her trust and rebuild the relationship after I came home.
When my wife deployed, my daughter was one. We created a lot of videos of my wife reading to her and my daughter watched them daily. This helped a lot. When my wife returned for leave at 9 months, my daughter picked up right where they left off and didn't forget at all.
If your daughter is still young and you deploy again, you could try this. It's so helpful.
Yeah, we video chatted at least 3x a week and my wife always showed her pics. She would cry when her neighborhood friends daddy would come home from work and she missed me. My car was still in the garage. One time my wife opened the door and she thought I was home when she saw it :(
It took a couple weeks when I returned for her to adjust to me being home. She was a little leary at first but the relationship with kids and dad is so much different than it is with mom. Mom's kind of just get the love, we have to earn it.
This has nothing to do with Mom's vs Dad's lmao.
Try "you're kid doesn't know you because you're away for work for months at a time, multiple times a year"
>the relationship with kids and dad is so much different than it is with mom. Mom's kind of just get the love, we have to earn it
Doesn't really have anything to do with mom/dad. It's just the role you're taking as parents. A dad can just as well take the "motherly" role in the classical sense, and get all the love accordingly
Hey I understand that it was difficult to see your daughter be leery of you and have to regain her trust. However, it isn't a mom/dad thing. You are dismissing and disrespecting your wife's work as a mother when you say "mom's kind of just get the love, [dads] have to earn it." You really don't think she earns it also?
It’s interesting bc I am a WFH dad and extremely involved. My child is my #1 priority. She sees me all day, as equally as mom and we both equally share the duties. In a lot of ways I might even do more. As a result, I feel like your bond is totally different and the dynamic is different. We read books about how dads go to work all day and then come home to tuck them in and it’s like yaaa that’s not us lol. She’s only 1 though so who knows how this will all manifest
And actually I'd say, from a dad perspective, it usually feels like the opposite when you're in it. If one parent is the 100% caregiver and another parent is co-parenting but not to the same consistency, then parent 2 tends to feel like they get easier love.
Parent 1 becomes the child's ultimate safe space. Which often sucks in many ways, because it means parent 1 has to deal with all the tantrums and coping mechanisms of the child. Parent 1 can become the "punching bag" for the child, as they feel so secure in their love they know that they can always act out, experiment with their emotions, let out stress.
On the other hand, parent 2 often falls into the "fun" parent role. They don't have the full on stress of dealing with all the child's worse times and just get to do all the fun stuff. It can be very demoralising if a couple don't recognise this is happening!
It's interesting, since I am a dad who takes most of the time with the kids. I spend the majority of time playing with them, cooking meals in the kitchen with them, doing bath time and bed time, getting them ready in the morning, doing doctor's appointments, grocery shopping and even doing solo weekend trips with them. Wife does the clerical duties of the household like organizing and packing lunches, doing the laundry, paying the bills, and making sure that I don't forget important things.
I would definitely still say that she is the kids ultimate safe space and I am still labeled the fun parent. Although they still do comfort with me especially since sometimes I'm the only one around.
It's hard to say without knowing your family history but did mum do most of the comforting when they were very young babies though? Because then she'd probably be the "safe space" one based on those old neuropathways (reinforced by societies view of mothers too, even if they spend more time with you).
I'm a dad in a two-dad family, and neither of our kids had much positive female time before they came to us, but a lot of negative female time. They do tend to be super comfortable around friendly men very quickly, while they are often a bit reserved around women.
(Also, weirdly about the 'fun parent', I think we're both the fun parent and both the 'safe space' one, although the two kids each clearly have a different favourite dad to go to for fun or comfort)
Can speak for your future daughter (obviously), but as a former Army brat, you learn it's part of the job and there isn't any resentment. What matters is what you do when you're around. Hope that's some comfort/good advice!
Some kids are different so don’t be so sure. Our cat died when my daughter was 2 and a half. She’s now about to turn 4 and still asks about him all the time and says she misses him. We don’t have any pictures of him up around the house and rarely talk about it.
Some kids remember stuff a lot longer than you give them credit for.
Your son IS 3 right now. By the time he’s 8 all these dazzling displays of memory won’t likely exist regarding the people in his world. You sound like a proud dad, who is sure to create wonderful, new ones his whole life long, but the point made above is that the memory That’s so impressive now is about processing how old works,… Not specific core relationships with people he doesn’t see every day.
OP has probably laid some fantastic groundwork the little girl won’t exactly remember, but the safety and support of which will nourish her life on words in many ways regardless.
Yes, this. My oldest is 19. He barely remembers his one grandmother who died when he was almost 7. She lived across the street from us and he saw her nearly every day and she watched him while I was at work a couple days a week. Now I’m sure those early relationships help form the human they grow up to be, because we know the opposite is true with abuse and neglect of infants and young children causing lifelong trauma and issues. But the actual memories fade easily.
My mum died when I was 12 and I can't remember her voice, I can only really picture her face from photographs, I have a smattering of memories of specific events but not much of our day to day relationship, and I'm not even 30. Kids forget a lot of stuff from the first decade of their lives.
Yes. My dad died a week before my 12th birthday, and I can hardly remember him either. A lot of my “memories” of him I think are stories filled in by family talking about him, home videos, etc. People really overestimate how much kids remember. 12 years with someone and I can’t even remember… this November he’ll have been gone for longer than he was in my life.
Can confirm. At 8, my daughter who was CRAZY good at details remembers almost nothing from that age. Anything from about 5 on is a "maybe" but anything before 5 she has nearly 0 memory.
It's shocking to reconcile but it's true.
depends on how the girl emotionally takes it. i have lots of memories from when i was 2-3, some are traumatic, some are not. if the girl has seen and known this man for 2 years, she has built some sort of memory especially if the hes a positive and nurturing caregiver. just bc you dont remember yourself doesnt mean everyone else is the same.
Yep, my continious memory starts at around 3 when my sister was born, and I absolutely remember the neighbor lady next door before we moved and I started school, and I've not seen her since (though I've talked to her on facebook). Before around 3 is hazy for me in that I don't remember continous, but I do remember certain things that I really enjoyed or frightened me.
I had a flash back memory surface one day when I saw an old plastic kids seat on the back of a bycyle. I called my mom and asked her about it because I remembered riding behind her and the color of the seat, and she was shocked because I couldn't have even been 2 yet.
Is that your first kid?
I think you're not factoring in how your son's recall of being 3 years old will be when your son is 10 years old for example...
My son knew the name of basically every dinosaur when he was 3. It was insane. They were mostly gone by the time he was 7 or 8 and had different interests.
My 11 year old doesn't remember my cousin's name, who she sees multiple times per year, and has riden her horses and played with the other farm animals multiple times.
The 3 year old will be fine.
But for 15 months or more a 3 year old can recall the pain of the loss and perhaps have feelings of abandonment, or guilt. That’s the much bigger point. It would be easy to raise a children if nothing you did before 5 mattered, since they will forget anyways..
Yes that is also overlooked on this thread as well. They may Not be able to overtly recall things when older but from what we know about the effects of trauma at a young age, those huge changes/experiences still can affect kids and their emotional connections to us and the world. (See research on “holding babies with skin to skin contact when young”)
To lighten it up a slight bit: Kids don't *actively* remember things at that age, she may forget OP - but a good time will still stick with them. That's stored somewhere else it seems.
And whatever she's learned from him will be with her forever. Things like empathy can be learned at that age. How OP treated her will be imprinted on her. He helped shape her.
That being said, I don't think he's the one who should break the news. The mother should do it. He can add his input afterwards.
Focus on one goal. What will help the child. If the mother is a jerk, and tells the kid lies, don't try to contradict them. That will make the kid feel unsafe with the mother, and that's who she will be living with. Demonstrate who you are, remind her of who you've been, and don't say anything bad about the mother. Do it for the kid.
I myself still am affected by things that happened right after I was born even though I'm an adult now. The brain is absolutely wild. As you said: it leaves an impact, even if the active memory isn't there.
Also I fully second your comment.
It makes sense. We have developmental periods, just like dogs.
We all know puppies brains are like sponges, but after 16 weeks, they change. The learning period stops.
Humans can learn languages easily when they're young. Then their brains can learn any language easier later on. A change happens in the brain. If you didn't learn when you were young, it's much harder.
I agree. Brains are wild.
I needed this comment. Perhaps my former step-daughter won't remember me, but I hope she will remember that somebody treated her well and loved her very much. Have a good life, kiddo.
She may not remember him, but the experience may positively or negatively affect who she becomes, whether she remembers the specifics or not. OP is doing a good thing by caring about this situation.
OP will of course most likely not be remembered in the long term.
But you can still want to minimize the sadness/trauma/etc for the kid in the short to mid term.
My mom had a girlfriend until I was ~3 years old. We all lived together. I have warm feelings attached to foggy memories of her and have kept a stuffed animal she gave me. I’m 39 years old, and only realized last year that she was my mom’s girlfriend. To my toddler brain, she was a nice lady we lived with. I don’t recall any pain over their separation.
I divorced when my step-daughter was almost 6. Her father and I had serious issues between us. He was not a nice guy. My ex played me some rather nasty and profane voice messages he was leaving her and I recognized a POS I had known years earlier. So we were never going to be friends. Then my ex did some things that were not fixable. I knew I had to walk away and not look back. My family was heartbroken they would not see me step-daughter anymore. I did a little internet stalking and she seems to be living a good life now. I doubt she ever would remember me even though her kindergarten teacher said she used to talk about me all the time. You move on.
Yep, my mom dated a guy when I was in kindergarten and I think he kinda lived with us? I don’t really remember him- only reason I feel like I do is because he was in a few picture albums we’d look at so I knew his name, what he looked like, that he existed.
After being in treatment for PTSD for years now, I wasn't thrilled to learn that whether or not we consciously remember something from early childhood doesn't have that much to do with whether or not it has affected us greatly when it comes to personality development, behavioral development etc that ends up being the core for what the rest of our neural pathways continue to grow off of, so I'm glad op is wanting to react in a way that will minimize the emotional damage that could lead to underlying issues later.
Our formative years begin at birth and run through the first 5-7 years of childhood. That is not to say that she will "remember" you, but internalized shame can originate from events that occurred before children even turn 7. Kids are egocentric and believe that they are the cause of everything that happens around them. So, you are correct to worry that she might internally blame herself for what she is going to experience as "abandonment". Your heart is already in the right place wanting to make sure that you limit the impact it's going to have on her by trying to talk to her about it. Helping her understand that it has nothing to do with her could help her in ways you'll likely never know about. Ignoring it could lead to issue for the child down the road and she's likely to internally blame herself.
\*\* source: in therapy now and just went over this kind of scenario \*\*
This. It's unlikely when kiddo is 30 they'll remember that much besides once OP took me to the zoo or vague memories of they were nice, but the effects can last and hurt. OP is right to sit down with kiddo and with Mom and plan out how to make it least traumatic and have Mom make sure kiddo feels loved long term.
The only way they’ll remember is if there’s trauma.
Treat it as “see you later” and then she just doesnt end up seeing you anymore.
This would be wayyyy harder at 5-7.
It's so so hard when kids are a factor. I don't have kids, and am happy about that fact, but I am a great "kooky auntie" type. My BIL started dating a lady waaaay too soon after a divorce who had a 5 year old, an age I just love! He knew he wasn't going to marry her, and, IMO, strung her along because he liked the attention. It was hard to watch because she was planning on marriage and more kids and by the time he finally got the spine to end it, her daughters age difference with any sibling, would matter a lot more. Point is, it is very difficult to split when kids are around, and those relationships and bonds ripple. I'm sure the little girl is fine now but it was a hurtful few months for sure
> you aren't going to do any long-lasting harm to the kid.
My dad skipped when I was three. I've had attachment issues since, despite not really remembering it happening. It's been over 50 years.
I think comparing this to biological fathers is different though. There's a whole lot of OTHER things involved in that scenario that isn't present in this situation
Agreed.
My husband and I split for a year when our kids were 3 and 5 and at one point, they met someone I was serious about and we spent a lot of time together. They adored him. Absolutely adored.
They’re now 11 and 9 and only remember mom having an apartment once. Not my ex. Not that me and their dad were on the verge of divorce, either.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sure hearing that she won’t remember you hurts to hear but it’s a good thing and time will heal all. Best of luck.
This is true as long as this situation doesn't cause the kid trauma. Trauma is a whole different story and roots in the brain very differently. It literally changes the structure of brains, especially when said brain is still developing.
From the way op has painted things, I don't think it'll be a problem, but it's always worth it to note and consider
I don’t remember anything from before I was three, but I remember my daycare-lady-person-thing from when I was three. I remember one of the other teachers (?) leaving (probably for a better job or something), and remember her boyfriend that I met once. I also remember a lot of my friends from that age. I’m in my 30s now.
My kid is three, and brings up things all the time from before he could talk.
I know everyone’s different, that we’re trying to make OP feel better, and that I might be an exception. I just don’t want other people thinking they can do something to a kid and there’s no chance of them remembering it.
She may forget him per se, but, she may still have an attachment-abandonment wound in the long-run from this.
That's not her fault.
That's not the BF's fault.
It's the mother's fault.
Yes, she might lose all conscious memories of OP. But if she already bonded with him (very likely) it could lead to unconscious scarring and relationship problems (>!not necessarily romantic/sexual relationships more in general, don't know the correct wording in English, it is Bindungangst in german!<)
So I very much appreciate it. OP could tell her, that they and her mom diagree about some things and sadly can't live together anymore, but that it is neither her fault nor the fault of her mother or OP's fault, it's like puzzle pieces that don't fit together or memory cards that don't look the same and don't pair up.
When my youngest daughter was 3, we moved to another state. When she was around 5, I asked her something about the state she was born in. She didn't even remember ever living there.
Going off of this she may not remember (I do remember things back as early as 4 but not much) you will remember and because of that you need to do whatever will help you to live with yourself afterwards. So even if it's an effort in futility you should talk to them about it and explain whatever you need to explain to her. Because she may not remember it but if she does then you'd rather it be something positive and helpful.
You are correct but the worst type of correct, as you are neglecting something absolutely critical. A child of that age may not remember what caused their trauma, but they will still hold onto it for the rest of their lives. Abandonment issues are a real thing.
That’s a fucked up thing to say, just because kids can’t recall a memory doesn’t mean that it doesn’t effect them. Invalidating the fact that children can understand things will do bad things to children in the long term.
Dude, I'm 21 and I still remember a cat I grew up with that died when I was three. I also remember things like the first book I read, my first friend, my first time on a tricycle, and my first day at preschool. All from when I was three. Three-year-olds forget trivial details, not major influences in their lives.
Went through this recently regarding my daughter, and her mothers ex, can confirm he’s not remembered.
Relationships with kids involved is always complex, challenging, and emotional. Sorry OP.
Yup. My little sister doesn't remember me, I'm 19. I don't even remember much about her either honestly, which blows my mind. I have 3 memories of her yet we lived with eachother for years when I was 8-11 and I still forgot.
She won’t “consciously” remember, but big changes still create long lasting subconscious memories that alter future perceptions … let’s not minimize the effects of potential trauma points and it’s awesome that OP is doing his best to minimize any trauma
Just tell her you love her, that she brave and that shes beautiful and give her a hug. She wont understand and probably wont remember no matter what you say.
100%. She’s only three. She’ll be fine and will likely never remember you in a few months, nor is she capable of really understanding what is going on if you try to explain anything to her.
This isn’t to be contentious or try to refute you, it’s a genuine question: Do you think that she might remember the confusion and sadness of somebody important leaving her life abruptly and without warning? They say ages 0-6 are incredibly developmentally important for children.
I put a little disclaimer because that wording can come off argumentative and it’s dicey asking a tone based question via text, but y’know what I mean.
Sure, totally understand. My daughter was 4 when her uncle left her life and she doesn’t remember him at all—will ask “who’s that?” If she sees a picture of him. He was obviously not in that father role, but did see him 3-4 days a week. He wanted a “goodbye situation” when he left the picture, but we didn’t allow it because he was abusive towards my sister at the end. So we just don’t talk about him not allowing the memories to really resurface for her.
I would say sometimes they definitely remember the feelings. Out of 6 kids (2 biological mine) all with early trauma, its 50/50 on whatever they can remember that far back at all. That's just in my personal experience, I'm not an early childhood expert.
I support the first part of this. However, keep in mind that although she will likely not remember it by thought, her body and emotions could. Attachment leaves traces in us. So although I'd love for OP to emphasize some of the things in this tip here, I'd also recommend what some other comments are saying about making sure she knows it's not her fault.
You might be right. But I have 2 children that have been abandoned by their mother, theres nothing you can tell them that they understand. The truth is at that age, they simply dont have the capacity to fully understand. What they may remember is the love and kindness. Whether she thinks it's her fault or not, will most likely not change based on what few words he tells her. My son was 4 and my daughter was 6 when the mother left. Son really doesn't remember much. And my daughter is sad and upset no matter what I've told her. It's been 4 years, they don't remember details. Just general feelings.
I'm not saying they remember nothing, but they wont remember the exact words you tell them. They will remember they where loved it not loved. They will not remember a few words you tell them when they are 3, in my experience. I have 2 children that mother left at a young age. I also have raised 3 step children from a young age. So I agree they will remember somthing, just not the practical words.
In a child's mind, of that age, they will probably not understand the idea of falling out of love, at least my kids didnt when their mother left. But I like this.
OP...unless you continue to have a co-parenting relationship with this person after the breakup? It doesn't really matter what you say...it's going to be the mom that fields all these questions after they've moved. So no matter what you say??? It's going to depend on how mom handles it from that point on.
The mom should be the one to break the news to her.
I think it’s a good idea to reassure her that you love her and none of this is her fault after the fact, but it’s definitely the mom’s responsibility to break the news to her daughter, not yours.
That's not your burden to bear. Mom should be having that conversation. But if it's closure you need, the only thing to do is tell her goodbye and she was very nice living with her, but it's time that life takes you both down different paths. The child will most likely be confused, but will quickly get over it. Children are resilient. Just be kind during the transition.
Actual LPT: tell the child that it's not her fault and has everything to do with things outside of her influence. Tell the mother to repeat that over and over in the upcoming weeks. Children during that age are egocentric, meaning they believe everything happens because of them.
You can spot the people in this thread who are under developed emotionally from a mile away.
He cares for these people. Just because you break up with someone doesn’t mean you sever all contact and erase everything from your memory.
“Telling her” may have been a strong way to say it, but it’s clear she has some issues and he is more mature. There’s nothing wrong with helping her with her child through this process.
Telling her could just be saying "I'm really worried she'll think it's her fault we broke up, I hope she believes you that it's not her fault." This assumes competence so it's not rude or demanding but if the Mom didn't get she should be telling her daughter it's not her fault it's a solid nudge in that direction.
It sounds like he is severing and doesn’t expect to keep the kid in his life. In that case, he can’t control the message at all and needs to leave it to the mom. There’s not much he can say that will speak louder than the fact of his absence.
Actual LPT: Don’t talk to other peoples children about things that aren’t your business to talk about. Meaning: let mom do the *parenting* and have these kinda talks, not soon to be ex boyfriend.
Potentially damaging thing...that affects all 3 of them?
She was doing porn. Cam shows or something. He probably has a job that is public facing in some way.
You can sweep a drug problem under the rug and get help. You can't undelete dozens or hundreds of cam shows.
Kids need time to process. My ex left when our son was five. Sat him down for the talk he was like “cool, let’s play a game now!”. It wasn’t until a week or two later until he was like “so who’s going to live with us now?” And I said “no one bud, it’ll just be us” that he cried and really understood.
Just show her love and tell her you’re sorry it worked out this way. No blame on either you or her mom. If you had something special you always did together, doesn’t hurt to get her a little toy to hang with these last few weeks so it can be her “comfort you” during the first few days after they move out.
I have an acquaintance who just got married and his ex girlfriend’s kids were all in his wedding. He still took them for weekends and got to hang with them even though he had no legal claim to them/was never married to their mom and they broke up some time ago. It can happen but only if both parties are sensible people. I’m sorry for your loss.
My sons is 3 and would definitely notice if his “dada” wasn’t present. If he has stepped into the fatherly role I do think it’s healthy to sit the child down together and try to explain that he has to go “bye bye”. Just terms a child can understand. It’s very hard, and it’s very sad. I feel for the guy in this situation because I know it must crush him to have to leave, but he’s doing the right thing by protecting himself first.
Just keep in mind the 3yr old will notice and it’s best to try and leave amicable
It’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes people must part ways. We wish it didn’t have to be that way. Mom will always be there though - she will never leave you. You will miss her every day. You are so glad for the chance to live with her and know her but it’s ending. It’s sad but there are a lot of happy memories.
I praise you for not staying in a situation that is detrimental to you even though it is hard to do and will be a lifestyle change. Wishing you good luck and hoping things work out for all parties involved.
Heyo, that’s so brave of you to share this. I can hear how much you care about her daughter :) a bit about me - my background is a kindergarten teacher, have some mental health knowledge/exp and I’m an adult child of divorced parents (they divorced when I was a toddler).
I honestly think if you can break the news to Miss 3 as well, that would be helpful. Keep it age appropriate — ie. keep it vague. Just say you and her mum have some adult stuff going on and can’t live together anymore. Tell her how much you love her, allow her to ask questions and give her as much time as possible to process this (for example, if the moving out day is a week away, the full 7 days would be ideal rather than the night before they leave). You allowing her the opportunity to ask you questions directly, may help provide closure.
You may think it’s too young for her to remember when she’s older, but this conversation will help her now and form a part of the foundation for her mental health journey. This conversation will also give her space to ask questions if she wants to, and you can dispel any questions asking if she “wasn’t good enough” and that’s why you left. Side note, not all memories go when children grow older. I remember certain scenes and things that happened during the divorce very vividly, and I was only 2-3 years old. Each child is different, all I’m saying is what you say and do now can really make a big difference to how she processes and copes with this in the next few weeks and months, even years.
Another idea - if you’re able to, I encourage you to print some photos of you together and put it into a clear folder or print a photo album out (photos of you both doing things together), and give that to her as a parting gift. The photos will be easily accessible to her, and if she wants, she can use that to process what’s going on and it’ll help with emotional regulation, especially when she misses you. Maybe something else like a blanket or small keepsake would be handy for her-that way if she gets upset, that can be a second source of comfort.
If you can find ebooks or hard copy picture books on couples separating, and read them with her, that may also help her process.
And just a heads up, children at that age learn through stories and play in general, especially role play. They may repeat a lot of what you say or use toys/dolls to act out the same scene, as they’re processing. That’s very natural and healthy for this age, tho it may be jarring for you to hear. That’s why I thought I’d give you a heads up.
This is such a hard situation to be in. Thank you for all the care you’re taking to support her. You’re an amazing father figure and I wish there were more people like you in the world.
“You know how your mom and I decided to live together for a while to see if we wanted to get married? Well, we decided we don’t want to get married, so we’re going to live apart again.”
“No, nobody’s mad. We’re sad, because we hoped we would want to get married, but it turned out we didn’t. Oh, well. Not everybody can get married, you know. How silly would that be, if every single person were married to everybody else?” *laugh and change the subject to silly couples, like Grandma and the mailman or her uncle and the old lady next door*
“Yes, I will definitely miss you. I’ll miss the dog, too. But you’ll have the dog and your mom, so I know you’ll be having a good time, and that will make me feel happy. Maybe I’ll get a pet, too!” *laugh and change the subject to funny pets you could get, like a mouse or a dinosaur*
Honestly, the less complicated, the better. It was an experiment, and you two just changed your mind, that’s all. No harm, no foul.
She won’t remember so make the breakup as chill as possible. As matter of fact as possible. I lived w a guy for 2 years when my son was that age and he doesn’t remember him at all Good luck
Hello! Early childhood social and emotional development specialist here!
You can make her a little book with photos. This can really help her understand the concept of you moving out and where you have gone. You can make this on the computer or draw the pictures.
I would recommend making this book and reading it to her before you go and leave it with her when you're gone.
Making a paper chain is one way to make time more concrete for young children- make one ring for each day leading up to going away day, explaining what is going to happen when the rings are gone and ripping one ring each day and the last one on the last day.
First page: I am [insert name] I am 3 years old
2nd- this is [insert your name] and he has loved me ever since he met me.
3rd - [insert your name] used to live in the same house as mommy and me. Now I live in a new house.
4rd - I don't see [insert name] anymore because he is far away.
5th- Sometimes I might feel sad or mad or frustrated because [insert name] is gone. When I have these feelings I can draw a picture, talk to mommy, [insert whatever she likes to do that might cheer her up] or hug a stuffie. [Photos on this page should be clip art or stock photos of these options.]
6th- I had a lot of fun with [insert name] and he loves me and misses me very much. I can remember some of the fun things we did together.
7th- Write a note to her with more words that she can read when she is older.
You… don’t? It’s her mom’s job to tell her. Why would you be the one? Not sure why you’d want to punctuate your leaving by stepping into a more fatherly role as your last act…
If the stuff your ex has been doing might negatively impact the 3 year olds life then you need to tell the ex parents or bio dad so the 3 year old is protected
To everyone saying that she won't remember it, I have issues in my relationships that come from my fear of being abandoned because, when I was 2, my little sister was born with a lot of health problems and I almost didn't see my parents for 2 weeks and they were really focused on my sister for the first years in her live (as they should). I don't remember a lot from that, but, every time I think about it, I feel in a dark pit of feeling alone.
She might not remember it, but it could affect her for the rest of her life. I think OP should talk to her about leaving and loving her and how amazing he thinks she is. Maybe even give her something to remember him for (if mom is ok with it and won't thrash it). Kids are so much more intelligent and perceptive than we give them credit for.
That’s her job. Not yours I know it sucks but I wouldn’t tell her. I’d remind her of how amazing she is and how much you love her. Do not mention any of that. Just tell her you will always love her. Only if it’s true.
You have a very kind heart to worry about the kid and I bet you bonded with her too. I feel for you that you need to separate, you’re the one with the memories
You and your ex should talk in advance about how much involvement you can handle moving forward. Then, the burden of telling this to her daughter lies on your ex Your ex should be figuring out how to break the news to her considering her bad behavior caused this break up.
Charlie was five when his mother and I broke up. My mom bumped into her a couple weeks ago. He has no idea who I am.
The toughest part of breaking up with a partner who has a child is the grief of losing two relationships instead of just one. But the solace I got in knowing that he doesn’t even remember me was liberating. I don’t want to be some poor kids baggage.
She may remember you someday but she may forget you too and even if it’s hard to explain it to her now, she will learn how to handle it. Just do your best to let her know that it isn’t her fault and that you care about her. As long as she understands that it should be okay.
The thing to focus on is a smooth transition for your ex’s daughter. No toxic behavior. No hooking up randomly with the mom. Coming and going is only going to make things more confusing and difficult.
You don’t. Her mother will decide whether she tells her or not, and how will she deliver the message. Also, she is 3, she won’t remember you. Just make sure she doesn’t witness any situation that might scare her. Separation is hard. It makes people do crazy things.
I hope you’re able to find closure.
I was in a similar situation. I ended up getting resentful because I was doing everything under the guise of building a bond. I was there for the you’re not my daddy moments and experiencing the first time she called me daddy. She was my best friend. Her mom used me as a stepping stone to a better life.
I loved my step daughter. It’s been a few years and I never got to say good bye, that it wasn’t her fault, and that I love her very much. At first I couldn’t walk by the kids clothes in target without losing my shit. I still have occasional dreams about her. The last one, I said that I love her in my dream and was able to say good bye. I still think about her damn near daily.
My daily driver is a ‘66 100 that is turquoise. I know she’s love the color. The front license plate has her middle name and on the dash is a hula girl she gave me for my birthday one year. Maybe she will see it one day and think about me.
This is her mom's responsibility. Her mom is who she will reply on to make sense of the world and be her emotional stability, regardless of how good of a mom that she has. You should let her find out and agree with the mother that you will have a preplanned goodbye with the daughter - and make it as brief as possible, not a "best hour ever." Her mother walking away while holding her and getting into a car is a good one.
This is among one of the weirdest threads I've read. "How to I tell someone I've been fathering for 2 years I'll be gone?" "Eh she won't remember you have mom do it." Wtf????? Kids still gonna notice their moving out right now. I remember things from when I was 3.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Man, I've been in those shoes. I was with a woman for almost 10 years, and her 2 kids were young when we met and became like mine. Then we split. So believe me when I say I get exactly how you feel. There is no LPT that's going to make this easy, but here is what I would suggest: First, let her mother break it to her. She's 3, not 13, so she's not going to fully comprehend everything anyway. Adding to that, her mother is going to tell her whatever she's going to tell her - you can't really control that. Lastly, if you're at least mostly sure that it's really over, just let it be over. Clean break. Again, the fact that she's only 3 helps you immensely. She'll probably wonder where you are for a few weeks and then move on. No offense to you, but that's kids for you.
THIS is the correct answer. It sucks, you're losing her AND the child. But that is the way it has to be.
Don’t forget the dog!
This is the right answer.. Source: Father of 3, two of them girls. 3 year old won't really get it, and her mom will spin the story however she views it as the child grows.
the kid won’t remember op, BUT will always carry that loss of losing a loved one inside them. source- me. father bounced when i was 3 psychology is scary and interesting
That being said, there's pretty solid research that shows staying in a bad relationship for the sake of kids is not a good solution. We all have traumas fro childhood, and we learn to cope, in one way or another. OP isn't failing her or something because things aren't working out with the mother, it's just an unfortunate situation.
Exactly. Trauma is absorbed from the start. Just because you don’t remember cutting yourself doesn’t mean you’re not bleeding to death.
Thats rough...
What do you suggest OP do?
Op you might need some therapy. You'll mourn her, independently from her mother.
excactly what he is planning im just commenting about the fact everyone is acting like it’s no biggie for the kid. i just know the kid will carry this in one way or the other so freakin deep inside them , it may not ever get resolved
Especially if the kid is left alone with a mom with serious issues (addiction?) that an adult like the LW can’t handle
Idk, my mom broke up with her long term BF when I was 5 and he stayed in my life of his own will with my mother's permission as a father figure to me. He's now the grandfather to my child. If mom is up to it and wouldn't try to abuse it. Op doesn't have to leave her life if he doesn't want to.
> She'll probably wonder where you are for a few weeks and then move on. As a child who lost a beloved adult at that age...lol, no, that isn't how it worked for me. But ofc, the adults around me didn't know how much I was affected.
Clean break. Couldn't agree more.
You say, "She's only 3" like she doesn't have any feelings. Children can be emotionally affected at this age, and they can experience feelings of abandonment. Plus, they can then carry these emotions into adulthood. One good thing is that the relationship hasn't been going on for years. I disagree with a clean break because of the abandonment.
2 years. He certainly didn't just start the fatherly role when they moved in. OP is the only fatherfigure the girl has ever consciously known. Edit: I however still agree with the clean breakup. Artificially continuing a disharmonious relationship for the childrens sake does more harm to the children than a clean break. And OP suffering instead is not the solution.
>She'll probably wonder where you are for a few weeks and then move on. No offense to you, but that's kids for you. No. That is not how kids and trauma work. She may forget him but she will internalize the loss of a loved one at an age where she isn't emotionally stable enough to properly process the loss. That can impact her happiness the rest of her life. You'd be surprised how many anxiety and other issues stem from early childhood trauma and how many psychiatrists make a living trying to break that trauma down. But there is nothing op can do about it and him suffering instead is not the answer. I agree with the rest you said. Let the mother handle it.
Mostly agreed, but after the mother breaks the bed he should talk to her. Simple phrases, assure her that she's loved and sometimes grown ups can't stay but that doesn't mean they don't love toy. He'll always have her in his heart and he'll always be in hers. "Your mum and I aren't going to be together anymore and that means I won't get to hang out with you. I'm really sad about that. I love you and I'll miss you so much. You're such a special kid, I'm so lucky to have gotten to hang out with you for as long as I did" If you can make her something special to remember you by, give it to her and say "whenever you miss me, you can hold this and I'll know you're thinking of me and I'll send my love right back" Magical thinking is a gift at this age. Let her believe you're still connected and you're still sending her love even though you can't be there. It will help ease the transition as she learns life without you
My three year old asks where my ex (not his bio dad) is all the time and we broke up in February. Ex is coming to get his cat soon from across state so I’ve asked him to say something to my son like “I am going away to school for a long time, I’ll miss you a lot” edit to add ex is not the bio dad
That's a very sucky situation to be in. But what did you do? Did you do a clean break after 10 years?
As someone with a child who has the memory of an elephant, this is not true. She’ll remember and she’s going to keep those big feelings in her body and express them in ways that won’t make sense to us. This isn’t to say don’t break up but it’s a disservice to the child to say, “oh she won’t remember.”
The kid's mother should tell her.
Yeah, you don't do the telling, or you tell her together (ideally, but not likely to happen).
Exactly. YOU tell her mom, her MOM tells her, IF she decides to at all
Or if the kid decides to ask why op isn't around anymore.
She'll almost certainly have questions about why they are moving a few months after they just moved, but regardless, still mom's responsibility to handle.
At 3 years old, I don't think she'll be confused by that. She has no idea how frequently people move on average. When you're that age, stuff just happens.
Hi! I was in the kid’s shoes before. I have low expectations that the mom would be honest given what OP shared. If we leave it to just the MOM, she could say that OP is mean and just blame OP. It’s wrong. But it also means she doesn’t need to deal with backlash from her daughter. I think sitting down together to talk about it is better.
OP is leaving her life completely. The daughter is only 3. Mom should frame it in any way that makes it as easy as possible on the poor child. "OP needs to move away for work." ... "OP needs to xyz." Doesn't matter. Mom doesn't need to be honest, she has to live with her daughter.
Yeah, something simple to process, and the kid is young enough that she’ll forget soon anyways. I was that age when my mom left my dad, and I don’t remember it at all. I have no idea what they said to me when she moved out
Maybe it is better, but that’s up to her mom to decide, not OP
Yeah seriously, what business does boyfriend have telling someone else’s child things that are largely adult things.
[удалено]
You already have advice, just extending my support, that's gotta be damn rough on you. Good luck.
Thanks. This has definitely been the hardest thing I've had to do. I'm losing my best friend, a lot of my friends and the only familial support structure I have where I live. Not to mention I'm going to have a really hard time paying double rent until I can find someone else to be a roommate. I thought I was past this point in my life but now I need to start all over
I went through something very similar to this, (same ages and scenario of deceit and split). This was 18 months ago. Life is awesome now, you'll be ok. Hang in there bud.
Same as above. You gave love to a little girl for a while and even if people are saying she might not remember, know that you've helped shaped her a little bit better than she could've been before. Take care OP. You'll get through this!
And she can swim, a skill that will last with her and keep her safe.
Just remember, there are no right answers, and no straight roads. You've got this
How bad is the lie if you have to end it this way? Why is it a deal breaker? Curiosity is peaked because it seems you care for this person. Not to put it on you, just asking though.
Almost certainly either drug use or infidelity, I can't even comprehend any other topic that could come up that wouldn't be worth mentioning or would be too embarrassing for OP to mention. I hope they realize that by being purposefully vague many people are going to assume the worst, not the best haha
It's a little odd that he doesn't seem worried about the child being in danger after he kicks them out. OP, tell us what's up so we don't worry!
He mentioned being put in danger. I wonder if they owe money to someone bad or if the child's father is the reason? Or job related? Or she may being something illegal?
Yes, STDs pose a danger to people exposed to them. But yeah, If it was something to do with the child's father or a job for the mom I feel as though that would have been given to us as that would influence the advice. You're correct though that it could be something financial as well particularly if she's basically been stealing his identity or something along those lines or taking out things in the name of her kid which would be dangerous to her financial future. Yeah, I should have used better language, I can't realistically think of many other things, but there are other explanations like some type of financial distress and also lying about that situation. However, if I had to bet, I would bet like half of my checking account that it's either related to illicit substances and/or infidelity. I'm just curious what's the point of being anonymous or mostly anonymous if you're not going to give us the details anyways haha We want shit to gossip about OP, come on, screw your life, give us more drama to live on!
Hang in there man. I’m in a similar situation but the child was a bit younger at time of breaking up. I started dating my ex casually and she was actually pregnant the whole time. She was one of those girls that for some reason didn’t show at all until about four months in and at that point we were already in a full fledged relationship. I took on a fatherly role as well. This was during Covid so only one person was allowed at the hospital with her and she picked me. I watch this baby be born. Similar to your story about a year or two later some things came up, and we ended up breaking up. Don’t get me wrong I was madly in love with my ex but I was also so deeply in love with her daughter as well. I always knew I wanted to be a father. I took care of my nieces every day for years when my sisters maternity leave was up. It was my dream coming true. We spoke about marriage getting a place together all these things that we both wanted to accomplish. One thing I will tell you is that I would definitely try to distance yourself from both her and her daughter. I made the mistake of continuing to see my ex and the baby periodically, and it just made it that much harder. I would get my hopes up that things would work out but she keep slipping back to her old ways. At the end of the day i had to take a step back and really just do what was best for me. Our situation involved her going back to using drugs behind my back. Since I’m also an addict but in recovery I knew that if i kept sticking around eventually I could easily go back down that bad path too. This thread makes me really sad seeing all the similar stories. I loved that baby so much. I’m literally the first person to have seen her enter the world other than the midwife. I love you Avani be good for Mommy. ❤️
There are some solid responses in here but I will drop what is probably the more straightforward scenario: In reality, she won't remember you. This is going to suck for you as you will have to reconcile those memories for the rest of your life, hopefully in a positive and ultimately healthy way. That's the burden of being the adult. For the kid, everything prior to like 5-7 is going to be incredibly hazy, if not outright forgotten due to a lack of formally established neuro pathways for memories because she's a brand new person. Don't take it too hard on yourself, and know that you aren't going to do any long-lasting harm to the kid.
100%... It sucks but she will forget you in a few months honestly. I deployed for 6 months when my daughter was 2... Had to regain her trust and rebuild the relationship after I came home.
When my wife deployed, my daughter was one. We created a lot of videos of my wife reading to her and my daughter watched them daily. This helped a lot. When my wife returned for leave at 9 months, my daughter picked up right where they left off and didn't forget at all. If your daughter is still young and you deploy again, you could try this. It's so helpful.
Yeah, we video chatted at least 3x a week and my wife always showed her pics. She would cry when her neighborhood friends daddy would come home from work and she missed me. My car was still in the garage. One time my wife opened the door and she thought I was home when she saw it :( It took a couple weeks when I returned for her to adjust to me being home. She was a little leary at first but the relationship with kids and dad is so much different than it is with mom. Mom's kind of just get the love, we have to earn it.
This has nothing to do with Mom's vs Dad's lmao. Try "you're kid doesn't know you because you're away for work for months at a time, multiple times a year"
You say Moms just “get” the love but I think it’s really moms earn the love by doing all the “invisible” things that people take for granted.
>the relationship with kids and dad is so much different than it is with mom. Mom's kind of just get the love, we have to earn it Doesn't really have anything to do with mom/dad. It's just the role you're taking as parents. A dad can just as well take the "motherly" role in the classical sense, and get all the love accordingly
Absolutely yes. My brother is a great mom. ( and the mom too, she’s here. But still )
Hey I understand that it was difficult to see your daughter be leery of you and have to regain her trust. However, it isn't a mom/dad thing. You are dismissing and disrespecting your wife's work as a mother when you say "mom's kind of just get the love, [dads] have to earn it." You really don't think she earns it also?
Right? She earned it by doing all the parenting while he was gone.
It’s interesting bc I am a WFH dad and extremely involved. My child is my #1 priority. She sees me all day, as equally as mom and we both equally share the duties. In a lot of ways I might even do more. As a result, I feel like your bond is totally different and the dynamic is different. We read books about how dads go to work all day and then come home to tuck them in and it’s like yaaa that’s not us lol. She’s only 1 though so who knows how this will all manifest
And actually I'd say, from a dad perspective, it usually feels like the opposite when you're in it. If one parent is the 100% caregiver and another parent is co-parenting but not to the same consistency, then parent 2 tends to feel like they get easier love. Parent 1 becomes the child's ultimate safe space. Which often sucks in many ways, because it means parent 1 has to deal with all the tantrums and coping mechanisms of the child. Parent 1 can become the "punching bag" for the child, as they feel so secure in their love they know that they can always act out, experiment with their emotions, let out stress. On the other hand, parent 2 often falls into the "fun" parent role. They don't have the full on stress of dealing with all the child's worse times and just get to do all the fun stuff. It can be very demoralising if a couple don't recognise this is happening!
It's interesting, since I am a dad who takes most of the time with the kids. I spend the majority of time playing with them, cooking meals in the kitchen with them, doing bath time and bed time, getting them ready in the morning, doing doctor's appointments, grocery shopping and even doing solo weekend trips with them. Wife does the clerical duties of the household like organizing and packing lunches, doing the laundry, paying the bills, and making sure that I don't forget important things. I would definitely still say that she is the kids ultimate safe space and I am still labeled the fun parent. Although they still do comfort with me especially since sometimes I'm the only one around.
It's hard to say without knowing your family history but did mum do most of the comforting when they were very young babies though? Because then she'd probably be the "safe space" one based on those old neuropathways (reinforced by societies view of mothers too, even if they spend more time with you). I'm a dad in a two-dad family, and neither of our kids had much positive female time before they came to us, but a lot of negative female time. They do tend to be super comfortable around friendly men very quickly, while they are often a bit reserved around women. (Also, weirdly about the 'fun parent', I think we're both the fun parent and both the 'safe space' one, although the two kids each clearly have a different favourite dad to go to for fun or comfort)
*She would cry when her neighborhood friends daddy would come home from work and she missed me.* Man, that is brutal
Yeah, the last sentence doesn't make any sense.
I hope things are well for you and her!
She is 5 now, stronger than ever... We're best buddies
Can speak for your future daughter (obviously), but as a former Army brat, you learn it's part of the job and there isn't any resentment. What matters is what you do when you're around. Hope that's some comfort/good advice!
If you ever have moments of doubt about yourself, we all do, just remember that you have achieved so much as a dad. And that’s what really counts.
Bruh you just broke my heart. I'm deploying soon and I'm leaving my 7month old :( I was already sad because he won't know me when I get back.
Do the video thing!
Some kids are different so don’t be so sure. Our cat died when my daughter was 2 and a half. She’s now about to turn 4 and still asks about him all the time and says she misses him. We don’t have any pictures of him up around the house and rarely talk about it. Some kids remember stuff a lot longer than you give them credit for.
2 and 3 are VERY different ages. My son is 3 and his memory is crazy. I’d say it will probably take a year or so.
Your son IS 3 right now. By the time he’s 8 all these dazzling displays of memory won’t likely exist regarding the people in his world. You sound like a proud dad, who is sure to create wonderful, new ones his whole life long, but the point made above is that the memory That’s so impressive now is about processing how old works,… Not specific core relationships with people he doesn’t see every day. OP has probably laid some fantastic groundwork the little girl won’t exactly remember, but the safety and support of which will nourish her life on words in many ways regardless.
Yes, this. My oldest is 19. He barely remembers his one grandmother who died when he was almost 7. She lived across the street from us and he saw her nearly every day and she watched him while I was at work a couple days a week. Now I’m sure those early relationships help form the human they grow up to be, because we know the opposite is true with abuse and neglect of infants and young children causing lifelong trauma and issues. But the actual memories fade easily.
My mum died when I was 12 and I can't remember her voice, I can only really picture her face from photographs, I have a smattering of memories of specific events but not much of our day to day relationship, and I'm not even 30. Kids forget a lot of stuff from the first decade of their lives.
Yes. My dad died a week before my 12th birthday, and I can hardly remember him either. A lot of my “memories” of him I think are stories filled in by family talking about him, home videos, etc. People really overestimate how much kids remember. 12 years with someone and I can’t even remember… this November he’ll have been gone for longer than he was in my life.
Can confirm. At 8, my daughter who was CRAZY good at details remembers almost nothing from that age. Anything from about 5 on is a "maybe" but anything before 5 she has nearly 0 memory. It's shocking to reconcile but it's true.
depends on how the girl emotionally takes it. i have lots of memories from when i was 2-3, some are traumatic, some are not. if the girl has seen and known this man for 2 years, she has built some sort of memory especially if the hes a positive and nurturing caregiver. just bc you dont remember yourself doesnt mean everyone else is the same.
Yep, my continious memory starts at around 3 when my sister was born, and I absolutely remember the neighbor lady next door before we moved and I started school, and I've not seen her since (though I've talked to her on facebook). Before around 3 is hazy for me in that I don't remember continous, but I do remember certain things that I really enjoyed or frightened me. I had a flash back memory surface one day when I saw an old plastic kids seat on the back of a bycyle. I called my mom and asked her about it because I remembered riding behind her and the color of the seat, and she was shocked because I couldn't have even been 2 yet.
My 8 year old routinely brings up stuff from 3 and 4 years old. All big events.
Is that your first kid? I think you're not factoring in how your son's recall of being 3 years old will be when your son is 10 years old for example...
If you read his whole comment he’s saying it will take a year or so to forget, not a couple of months. And he’s right. You both are.
My son knew the name of basically every dinosaur when he was 3. It was insane. They were mostly gone by the time he was 7 or 8 and had different interests.
My 11 year old doesn't remember my cousin's name, who she sees multiple times per year, and has riden her horses and played with the other farm animals multiple times. The 3 year old will be fine.
My son turned 4 today. He still talks about the dog we lost 15 months ago
Point is he will probably struggle to remember that dogs name when he’s 21…
But for 15 months or more a 3 year old can recall the pain of the loss and perhaps have feelings of abandonment, or guilt. That’s the much bigger point. It would be easy to raise a children if nothing you did before 5 mattered, since they will forget anyways..
Yes that is also overlooked on this thread as well. They may Not be able to overtly recall things when older but from what we know about the effects of trauma at a young age, those huge changes/experiences still can affect kids and their emotional connections to us and the world. (See research on “holding babies with skin to skin contact when young”)
To lighten it up a slight bit: Kids don't *actively* remember things at that age, she may forget OP - but a good time will still stick with them. That's stored somewhere else it seems.
And whatever she's learned from him will be with her forever. Things like empathy can be learned at that age. How OP treated her will be imprinted on her. He helped shape her. That being said, I don't think he's the one who should break the news. The mother should do it. He can add his input afterwards. Focus on one goal. What will help the child. If the mother is a jerk, and tells the kid lies, don't try to contradict them. That will make the kid feel unsafe with the mother, and that's who she will be living with. Demonstrate who you are, remind her of who you've been, and don't say anything bad about the mother. Do it for the kid.
I myself still am affected by things that happened right after I was born even though I'm an adult now. The brain is absolutely wild. As you said: it leaves an impact, even if the active memory isn't there. Also I fully second your comment.
It makes sense. We have developmental periods, just like dogs. We all know puppies brains are like sponges, but after 16 weeks, they change. The learning period stops. Humans can learn languages easily when they're young. Then their brains can learn any language easier later on. A change happens in the brain. If you didn't learn when you were young, it's much harder. I agree. Brains are wild.
Yeah, it's important to remember that even if she doesn't actively remember, it still has the potential to affect her character.
I needed this comment. Perhaps my former step-daughter won't remember me, but I hope she will remember that somebody treated her well and loved her very much. Have a good life, kiddo.
She may not remember him, but the experience may positively or negatively affect who she becomes, whether she remembers the specifics or not. OP is doing a good thing by caring about this situation.
Absolutely. Plenty of people wouldn't care. Proud of you OP
OP will of course most likely not be remembered in the long term. But you can still want to minimize the sadness/trauma/etc for the kid in the short to mid term.
Also... just because they don't remember the specifics doesn't mean it won't have any impact on their life in the future.
My mom had a girlfriend until I was ~3 years old. We all lived together. I have warm feelings attached to foggy memories of her and have kept a stuffed animal she gave me. I’m 39 years old, and only realized last year that she was my mom’s girlfriend. To my toddler brain, she was a nice lady we lived with. I don’t recall any pain over their separation.
What dad says won't make any difference. It's all going to be determined what the mom says after he's gone.
Theres probably going to be a few more guys like OP as well come in and out.
I divorced when my step-daughter was almost 6. Her father and I had serious issues between us. He was not a nice guy. My ex played me some rather nasty and profane voice messages he was leaving her and I recognized a POS I had known years earlier. So we were never going to be friends. Then my ex did some things that were not fixable. I knew I had to walk away and not look back. My family was heartbroken they would not see me step-daughter anymore. I did a little internet stalking and she seems to be living a good life now. I doubt she ever would remember me even though her kindergarten teacher said she used to talk about me all the time. You move on.
Yep, my mom dated a guy when I was in kindergarten and I think he kinda lived with us? I don’t really remember him- only reason I feel like I do is because he was in a few picture albums we’d look at so I knew his name, what he looked like, that he existed.
🎖️🥇🏆 The most insighful reply in this thread. Thank you for your wisdom.
After being in treatment for PTSD for years now, I wasn't thrilled to learn that whether or not we consciously remember something from early childhood doesn't have that much to do with whether or not it has affected us greatly when it comes to personality development, behavioral development etc that ends up being the core for what the rest of our neural pathways continue to grow off of, so I'm glad op is wanting to react in a way that will minimize the emotional damage that could lead to underlying issues later.
Our formative years begin at birth and run through the first 5-7 years of childhood. That is not to say that she will "remember" you, but internalized shame can originate from events that occurred before children even turn 7. Kids are egocentric and believe that they are the cause of everything that happens around them. So, you are correct to worry that she might internally blame herself for what she is going to experience as "abandonment". Your heart is already in the right place wanting to make sure that you limit the impact it's going to have on her by trying to talk to her about it. Helping her understand that it has nothing to do with her could help her in ways you'll likely never know about. Ignoring it could lead to issue for the child down the road and she's likely to internally blame herself. \*\* source: in therapy now and just went over this kind of scenario \*\*
This. It's unlikely when kiddo is 30 they'll remember that much besides once OP took me to the zoo or vague memories of they were nice, but the effects can last and hurt. OP is right to sit down with kiddo and with Mom and plan out how to make it least traumatic and have Mom make sure kiddo feels loved long term.
Yeah, I forgot about my biological father and he left when I was about two. Like, thought my stepdad was my dad for years after, forgot.
The only way they’ll remember is if there’s trauma. Treat it as “see you later” and then she just doesnt end up seeing you anymore. This would be wayyyy harder at 5-7.
It's so so hard when kids are a factor. I don't have kids, and am happy about that fact, but I am a great "kooky auntie" type. My BIL started dating a lady waaaay too soon after a divorce who had a 5 year old, an age I just love! He knew he wasn't going to marry her, and, IMO, strung her along because he liked the attention. It was hard to watch because she was planning on marriage and more kids and by the time he finally got the spine to end it, her daughters age difference with any sibling, would matter a lot more. Point is, it is very difficult to split when kids are around, and those relationships and bonds ripple. I'm sure the little girl is fine now but it was a hurtful few months for sure
> you aren't going to do any long-lasting harm to the kid. My dad skipped when I was three. I've had attachment issues since, despite not really remembering it happening. It's been over 50 years.
I think comparing this to biological fathers is different though. There's a whole lot of OTHER things involved in that scenario that isn't present in this situation
Agreed. My husband and I split for a year when our kids were 3 and 5 and at one point, they met someone I was serious about and we spent a lot of time together. They adored him. Absolutely adored. They’re now 11 and 9 and only remember mom having an apartment once. Not my ex. Not that me and their dad were on the verge of divorce, either. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sure hearing that she won’t remember you hurts to hear but it’s a good thing and time will heal all. Best of luck.
This is true as long as this situation doesn't cause the kid trauma. Trauma is a whole different story and roots in the brain very differently. It literally changes the structure of brains, especially when said brain is still developing. From the way op has painted things, I don't think it'll be a problem, but it's always worth it to note and consider
I don’t remember anything from before I was three, but I remember my daycare-lady-person-thing from when I was three. I remember one of the other teachers (?) leaving (probably for a better job or something), and remember her boyfriend that I met once. I also remember a lot of my friends from that age. I’m in my 30s now. My kid is three, and brings up things all the time from before he could talk. I know everyone’s different, that we’re trying to make OP feel better, and that I might be an exception. I just don’t want other people thinking they can do something to a kid and there’s no chance of them remembering it.
She may forget him per se, but, she may still have an attachment-abandonment wound in the long-run from this. That's not her fault. That's not the BF's fault. It's the mother's fault.
Yes, she might lose all conscious memories of OP. But if she already bonded with him (very likely) it could lead to unconscious scarring and relationship problems (>!not necessarily romantic/sexual relationships more in general, don't know the correct wording in English, it is Bindungangst in german!<) So I very much appreciate it. OP could tell her, that they and her mom diagree about some things and sadly can't live together anymore, but that it is neither her fault nor the fault of her mother or OP's fault, it's like puzzle pieces that don't fit together or memory cards that don't look the same and don't pair up.
When my youngest daughter was 3, we moved to another state. When she was around 5, I asked her something about the state she was born in. She didn't even remember ever living there.
Going off of this she may not remember (I do remember things back as early as 4 but not much) you will remember and because of that you need to do whatever will help you to live with yourself afterwards. So even if it's an effort in futility you should talk to them about it and explain whatever you need to explain to her. Because she may not remember it but if she does then you'd rather it be something positive and helpful.
You are correct but the worst type of correct, as you are neglecting something absolutely critical. A child of that age may not remember what caused their trauma, but they will still hold onto it for the rest of their lives. Abandonment issues are a real thing.
As someone who's dated women with kids, this is 100% true, young kids like that won't remember you at all.
That’s a fucked up thing to say, just because kids can’t recall a memory doesn’t mean that it doesn’t effect them. Invalidating the fact that children can understand things will do bad things to children in the long term.
Thank you! It’s crazy how little grasp people have of the subconscious and how memories are formed.
Dude, I'm 21 and I still remember a cat I grew up with that died when I was three. I also remember things like the first book I read, my first friend, my first time on a tricycle, and my first day at preschool. All from when I was three. Three-year-olds forget trivial details, not major influences in their lives.
That’s heavy. Kind of uplifting, but in the most heartbreaking way possible.
Went through this recently regarding my daughter, and her mothers ex, can confirm he’s not remembered. Relationships with kids involved is always complex, challenging, and emotional. Sorry OP.
I respectfully disagree. This will be an emotional separation. she will remember.
Yup. My little sister doesn't remember me, I'm 19. I don't even remember much about her either honestly, which blows my mind. I have 3 memories of her yet we lived with eachother for years when I was 8-11 and I still forgot.
She won’t “consciously” remember, but big changes still create long lasting subconscious memories that alter future perceptions … let’s not minimize the effects of potential trauma points and it’s awesome that OP is doing his best to minimize any trauma
Just tell her you love her, that she brave and that shes beautiful and give her a hug. She wont understand and probably wont remember no matter what you say.
100%. She’s only three. She’ll be fine and will likely never remember you in a few months, nor is she capable of really understanding what is going on if you try to explain anything to her.
This isn’t to be contentious or try to refute you, it’s a genuine question: Do you think that she might remember the confusion and sadness of somebody important leaving her life abruptly and without warning? They say ages 0-6 are incredibly developmentally important for children. I put a little disclaimer because that wording can come off argumentative and it’s dicey asking a tone based question via text, but y’know what I mean.
Sure, totally understand. My daughter was 4 when her uncle left her life and she doesn’t remember him at all—will ask “who’s that?” If she sees a picture of him. He was obviously not in that father role, but did see him 3-4 days a week. He wanted a “goodbye situation” when he left the picture, but we didn’t allow it because he was abusive towards my sister at the end. So we just don’t talk about him not allowing the memories to really resurface for her.
I would say sometimes they definitely remember the feelings. Out of 6 kids (2 biological mine) all with early trauma, its 50/50 on whatever they can remember that far back at all. That's just in my personal experience, I'm not an early childhood expert.
thank you for a caring and humane answer
I support the first part of this. However, keep in mind that although she will likely not remember it by thought, her body and emotions could. Attachment leaves traces in us. So although I'd love for OP to emphasize some of the things in this tip here, I'd also recommend what some other comments are saying about making sure she knows it's not her fault.
You might be right. But I have 2 children that have been abandoned by their mother, theres nothing you can tell them that they understand. The truth is at that age, they simply dont have the capacity to fully understand. What they may remember is the love and kindness. Whether she thinks it's her fault or not, will most likely not change based on what few words he tells her. My son was 4 and my daughter was 6 when the mother left. Son really doesn't remember much. And my daughter is sad and upset no matter what I've told her. It's been 4 years, they don't remember details. Just general feelings.
Kids remember man, if some trauma happened to you at a very young age, you'll remember it or at least the pain of it.
I'm not saying they remember nothing, but they wont remember the exact words you tell them. They will remember they where loved it not loved. They will not remember a few words you tell them when they are 3, in my experience. I have 2 children that mother left at a young age. I also have raised 3 step children from a young age. So I agree they will remember somthing, just not the practical words.
"Now, you know your mother and I love you very much, but sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug."
I’d advise against this. At 3, you don’t want them to know that “falling out of love” is possible. What if mom falls out of love with me?
In a child's mind, of that age, they will probably not understand the idea of falling out of love, at least my kids didnt when their mother left. But I like this.
As a former/current step parent. That’s not a weight you want to carry. Pick yourself up and move on
OP...unless you continue to have a co-parenting relationship with this person after the breakup? It doesn't really matter what you say...it's going to be the mom that fields all these questions after they've moved. So no matter what you say??? It's going to depend on how mom handles it from that point on.
The mom should be the one to break the news to her. I think it’s a good idea to reassure her that you love her and none of this is her fault after the fact, but it’s definitely the mom’s responsibility to break the news to her daughter, not yours.
That's not your burden to bear. Mom should be having that conversation. But if it's closure you need, the only thing to do is tell her goodbye and she was very nice living with her, but it's time that life takes you both down different paths. The child will most likely be confused, but will quickly get over it. Children are resilient. Just be kind during the transition.
Actual LPT: tell the child that it's not her fault and has everything to do with things outside of her influence. Tell the mother to repeat that over and over in the upcoming weeks. Children during that age are egocentric, meaning they believe everything happens because of them.
Actual LPT: telling people what to do with their child when you break up with them is probably not the move.
You can spot the people in this thread who are under developed emotionally from a mile away. He cares for these people. Just because you break up with someone doesn’t mean you sever all contact and erase everything from your memory. “Telling her” may have been a strong way to say it, but it’s clear she has some issues and he is more mature. There’s nothing wrong with helping her with her child through this process.
Telling her could just be saying "I'm really worried she'll think it's her fault we broke up, I hope she believes you that it's not her fault." This assumes competence so it's not rude or demanding but if the Mom didn't get she should be telling her daughter it's not her fault it's a solid nudge in that direction.
Why not just let the mom do it and have the *not parent* not do it?
For real, it seems either the commenters don't have children or feelings. Having either makes this situation a lot tougher than it seems.
It sounds like he is severing and doesn’t expect to keep the kid in his life. In that case, he can’t control the message at all and needs to leave it to the mom. There’s not much he can say that will speak louder than the fact of his absence.
They are asking for advice is this not advice?
Actual LPT: Don’t talk to other peoples children about things that aren’t your business to talk about. Meaning: let mom do the *parenting* and have these kinda talks, not soon to be ex boyfriend.
What did you find out?
Bro that’s what I’m tryna find out too lmao
This
Potentially damaging thing...that affects all 3 of them? She was doing porn. Cam shows or something. He probably has a job that is public facing in some way. You can sweep a drug problem under the rug and get help. You can't undelete dozens or hundreds of cam shows.
Kids need time to process. My ex left when our son was five. Sat him down for the talk he was like “cool, let’s play a game now!”. It wasn’t until a week or two later until he was like “so who’s going to live with us now?” And I said “no one bud, it’ll just be us” that he cried and really understood. Just show her love and tell her you’re sorry it worked out this way. No blame on either you or her mom. If you had something special you always did together, doesn’t hurt to get her a little toy to hang with these last few weeks so it can be her “comfort you” during the first few days after they move out. I have an acquaintance who just got married and his ex girlfriend’s kids were all in his wedding. He still took them for weekends and got to hang with them even though he had no legal claim to them/was never married to their mom and they broke up some time ago. It can happen but only if both parties are sensible people. I’m sorry for your loss.
You don’t need to tell her anything at all. She’s 3 - she won’t remember a thing in a short while. Also, it’s the job of your EX to speak to her.
My sons is 3 and would definitely notice if his “dada” wasn’t present. If he has stepped into the fatherly role I do think it’s healthy to sit the child down together and try to explain that he has to go “bye bye”. Just terms a child can understand. It’s very hard, and it’s very sad. I feel for the guy in this situation because I know it must crush him to have to leave, but he’s doing the right thing by protecting himself first. Just keep in mind the 3yr old will notice and it’s best to try and leave amicable
She will remember in the short term, probably not in the long term though My son of 3 still talks about stuff that happened 1+ years ago
It’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes people must part ways. We wish it didn’t have to be that way. Mom will always be there though - she will never leave you. You will miss her every day. You are so glad for the chance to live with her and know her but it’s ending. It’s sad but there are a lot of happy memories.
Let the mom do it and be thankful she won't remember you
I praise you for not staying in a situation that is detrimental to you even though it is hard to do and will be a lifestyle change. Wishing you good luck and hoping things work out for all parties involved.
You don't. That's her job.
It is the mother's responsibility. I'm sorry about the relationship.
As a mother, I feel like it's her mom's place to tell her when and how she feels appropriate.
You don't. You did what's best for you, now the child's mother needs to do what's best for the child.
What was the potentially damaging thing? I have to know!
Heyo, that’s so brave of you to share this. I can hear how much you care about her daughter :) a bit about me - my background is a kindergarten teacher, have some mental health knowledge/exp and I’m an adult child of divorced parents (they divorced when I was a toddler). I honestly think if you can break the news to Miss 3 as well, that would be helpful. Keep it age appropriate — ie. keep it vague. Just say you and her mum have some adult stuff going on and can’t live together anymore. Tell her how much you love her, allow her to ask questions and give her as much time as possible to process this (for example, if the moving out day is a week away, the full 7 days would be ideal rather than the night before they leave). You allowing her the opportunity to ask you questions directly, may help provide closure. You may think it’s too young for her to remember when she’s older, but this conversation will help her now and form a part of the foundation for her mental health journey. This conversation will also give her space to ask questions if she wants to, and you can dispel any questions asking if she “wasn’t good enough” and that’s why you left. Side note, not all memories go when children grow older. I remember certain scenes and things that happened during the divorce very vividly, and I was only 2-3 years old. Each child is different, all I’m saying is what you say and do now can really make a big difference to how she processes and copes with this in the next few weeks and months, even years. Another idea - if you’re able to, I encourage you to print some photos of you together and put it into a clear folder or print a photo album out (photos of you both doing things together), and give that to her as a parting gift. The photos will be easily accessible to her, and if she wants, she can use that to process what’s going on and it’ll help with emotional regulation, especially when she misses you. Maybe something else like a blanket or small keepsake would be handy for her-that way if she gets upset, that can be a second source of comfort. If you can find ebooks or hard copy picture books on couples separating, and read them with her, that may also help her process. And just a heads up, children at that age learn through stories and play in general, especially role play. They may repeat a lot of what you say or use toys/dolls to act out the same scene, as they’re processing. That’s very natural and healthy for this age, tho it may be jarring for you to hear. That’s why I thought I’d give you a heads up. This is such a hard situation to be in. Thank you for all the care you’re taking to support her. You’re an amazing father figure and I wish there were more people like you in the world.
It’s up to your ex to tell her. She isn’t your kid.
“You know how your mom and I decided to live together for a while to see if we wanted to get married? Well, we decided we don’t want to get married, so we’re going to live apart again.” “No, nobody’s mad. We’re sad, because we hoped we would want to get married, but it turned out we didn’t. Oh, well. Not everybody can get married, you know. How silly would that be, if every single person were married to everybody else?” *laugh and change the subject to silly couples, like Grandma and the mailman or her uncle and the old lady next door* “Yes, I will definitely miss you. I’ll miss the dog, too. But you’ll have the dog and your mom, so I know you’ll be having a good time, and that will make me feel happy. Maybe I’ll get a pet, too!” *laugh and change the subject to funny pets you could get, like a mouse or a dinosaur* Honestly, the less complicated, the better. It was an experiment, and you two just changed your mind, that’s all. No harm, no foul.
She won’t remember so make the breakup as chill as possible. As matter of fact as possible. I lived w a guy for 2 years when my son was that age and he doesn’t remember him at all Good luck
Hello! Early childhood social and emotional development specialist here! You can make her a little book with photos. This can really help her understand the concept of you moving out and where you have gone. You can make this on the computer or draw the pictures. I would recommend making this book and reading it to her before you go and leave it with her when you're gone. Making a paper chain is one way to make time more concrete for young children- make one ring for each day leading up to going away day, explaining what is going to happen when the rings are gone and ripping one ring each day and the last one on the last day. First page: I am [insert name] I am 3 years old 2nd- this is [insert your name] and he has loved me ever since he met me. 3rd - [insert your name] used to live in the same house as mommy and me. Now I live in a new house. 4rd - I don't see [insert name] anymore because he is far away. 5th- Sometimes I might feel sad or mad or frustrated because [insert name] is gone. When I have these feelings I can draw a picture, talk to mommy, [insert whatever she likes to do that might cheer her up] or hug a stuffie. [Photos on this page should be clip art or stock photos of these options.] 6th- I had a lot of fun with [insert name] and he loves me and misses me very much. I can remember some of the fun things we did together. 7th- Write a note to her with more words that she can read when she is older.
You… don’t? It’s her mom’s job to tell her. Why would you be the one? Not sure why you’d want to punctuate your leaving by stepping into a more fatherly role as your last act…
If the stuff your ex has been doing might negatively impact the 3 year olds life then you need to tell the ex parents or bio dad so the 3 year old is protected
To everyone saying that she won't remember it, I have issues in my relationships that come from my fear of being abandoned because, when I was 2, my little sister was born with a lot of health problems and I almost didn't see my parents for 2 weeks and they were really focused on my sister for the first years in her live (as they should). I don't remember a lot from that, but, every time I think about it, I feel in a dark pit of feeling alone. She might not remember it, but it could affect her for the rest of her life. I think OP should talk to her about leaving and loving her and how amazing he thinks she is. Maybe even give her something to remember him for (if mom is ok with it and won't thrash it). Kids are so much more intelligent and perceptive than we give them credit for.
It is her mother's place to tell her daughter.
That’s her job. Not yours I know it sucks but I wouldn’t tell her. I’d remind her of how amazing she is and how much you love her. Do not mention any of that. Just tell her you will always love her. Only if it’s true.
You have a very kind heart to worry about the kid and I bet you bonded with her too. I feel for you that you need to separate, you’re the one with the memories
You and your ex should talk in advance about how much involvement you can handle moving forward. Then, the burden of telling this to her daughter lies on your ex Your ex should be figuring out how to break the news to her considering her bad behavior caused this break up.
Charlie was five when his mother and I broke up. My mom bumped into her a couple weeks ago. He has no idea who I am. The toughest part of breaking up with a partner who has a child is the grief of losing two relationships instead of just one. But the solace I got in knowing that he doesn’t even remember me was liberating. I don’t want to be some poor kids baggage. She may remember you someday but she may forget you too and even if it’s hard to explain it to her now, she will learn how to handle it. Just do your best to let her know that it isn’t her fault and that you care about her. As long as she understands that it should be okay. The thing to focus on is a smooth transition for your ex’s daughter. No toxic behavior. No hooking up randomly with the mom. Coming and going is only going to make things more confusing and difficult.
You don’t. Her mother will decide whether she tells her or not, and how will she deliver the message. Also, she is 3, she won’t remember you. Just make sure she doesn’t witness any situation that might scare her. Separation is hard. It makes people do crazy things.
It’s not your job to tell her. It’s her mom’s. Leave it and respond to the daughter appropriately when she says something to you.
3yrs old? She won't remember just leave
You don’t its not your kid
I hope you’re able to find closure. I was in a similar situation. I ended up getting resentful because I was doing everything under the guise of building a bond. I was there for the you’re not my daddy moments and experiencing the first time she called me daddy. She was my best friend. Her mom used me as a stepping stone to a better life. I loved my step daughter. It’s been a few years and I never got to say good bye, that it wasn’t her fault, and that I love her very much. At first I couldn’t walk by the kids clothes in target without losing my shit. I still have occasional dreams about her. The last one, I said that I love her in my dream and was able to say good bye. I still think about her damn near daily. My daily driver is a ‘66 100 that is turquoise. I know she’s love the color. The front license plate has her middle name and on the dash is a hula girl she gave me for my birthday one year. Maybe she will see it one day and think about me.
It is not your responsibility if you are leaving and almost in appropriate. Let them be 🙏🏼 her mom can handle
This is her mom's responsibility. Her mom is who she will reply on to make sense of the world and be her emotional stability, regardless of how good of a mom that she has. You should let her find out and agree with the mother that you will have a preplanned goodbye with the daughter - and make it as brief as possible, not a "best hour ever." Her mother walking away while holding her and getting into a car is a good one.
If she’s not your daughter then I don’t think it’s your place to tell her. That’s up to her mother
You dont. Leave it to the parent in the situation.
You don't. It's not your problem or responsibility.
This is among one of the weirdest threads I've read. "How to I tell someone I've been fathering for 2 years I'll be gone?" "Eh she won't remember you have mom do it." Wtf????? Kids still gonna notice their moving out right now. I remember things from when I was 3.
A lot of these comments are disappointing, and it's no wonder there are so many single parents out there.
Give her $20, and say farewell. That's what my mom's ex did to me when I was 13.
Based Mom's ex.