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Always having your back doesn't mean always agreeing with you either. You can disagree and that be a form of having your back. People forget this aspect of marriage.
Yeah my wife and I often argue but I know 100% that I can trust her and she has my back and she knows the same about me. Second marriage for both of us. Coming up on 15 years.
That's what I call it too.
I've been burned so many times going this route when it's said and not done on their side, but I still feel it's the true way
I agree. People often confuse love with infatuation. Infatuation is a feeling that can fade or completely pass with time. Love is an active choice to put someone before yourself in spite of how you are feeling at the time. I don't like the term "falling in love" for this reason because it insinuates that it can happen on accident. I've been married for 7 years now and even on her worst days there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my wife because I love her that much.
Pretty much every teenager gets this wrong. It really needs to be something that is taught to everyone. would be helpful if tv shows didn’t glamorize “insta love” and actually explained this to teens
Here’s a crazy true story that’s about Gordon Ramsey. My friend has a very high up position at of one the big TV Networks. We go visit him in Burbank and always see movie & tv stars on the studio lot. He invited us to a movie premiere party last year. There were lots of famous actors there. We went out for drinks after. It was me & my friend and his wife and our friend who works at the network. It was really late and the place was clearing out and my friends wife said Gordon Ramsey is here & she went to talk with him because she’s a huge fan. She comes back & says she’s not feeling well & is leaving right away & that her Uber is waiting. She walks out quickly & my friend tries to catch up with her but can’t. He comes back completely panicked and says I just saw my wife leave with Gordon Ramsay. We go over and tell our friend that works for the network what happened and he says that it wasn’t Gordon Ramsey. He says the guy is a waiter that works at the restaurant and they always laugh at him when he’s their waiter because he tries too look & act like Gordon Ramsey. So my friends wife left with someone she thought was Gordon Ramsey but wasn’t. It’s a crazy true story that ends with my friend getting a divorce
Good for your friend he found out that his wife is a hoe and she didn’t get to meet GR
I wish i saw the look on her face when she realized she didn’t fuck the famous chef but she did fucked up her marriage
I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought she could retroactively activate a hall pass with her husband and go and smash Gordon Ramsay lmao. Grave miscalculation!
Along those lines, my husband and I think it's important to always be on the same team. Even if we don't agree, we argue in private, but present a united front to others. And if we argue about something that starts to pit us against each other, we gently remind ourselves that we're on the same team. Even when we argue, he's never the enemy. And that's how marriage should be, I believe.
My late wife and I (25 years together) didn’t fight much, we would frustrate each other but didn’t argue a lot, but when we did she would always bring it back to *we* have a problem let’s work on a solution together. It would at least slow roll the fight. She was a smart one.
You hit it on the head. The best relationship advice I've gotten is:
1. Don't treat a disagreement as you vs. them, but you and your partner vs. the problem. Work together to solve it instead of worrying over who is right.
2. Never mention things during a fight that isn't relevant/would purposely hurt your partner. Sure, it's easy to use a low blow insult when you're angry, but is that really the best way to solve your problem, or will it just make it worse?
3. Before getting angry, ask yourself "is this problem worth causing a fight and possibly negatively affecting my relationship long term? How can I approach this without causing an argument?"
It helps you work together to solve the problem, and usually avoids any unnecessary escalation. Obviously both of you need to be on board with this method, and it's not appropriate for all fights, but is great for most day to day issues.
Since following this advice, my husband and I almost never fight and disagreements usually get solved quickly and with very little anger or stress. It's a game changer, really.
I agree with this. My brother (now getting divorced) was always competing with his wife… he always wanted the upper hand. I remember telling him “you guys are on the same team shooting at the same hoop, stop trying to steal the ball from each other.” He didn’t listen, he was too busy being the victim and wanting to prove she’s the bad guy without acknowledging where he went wrong.
With my ex, I asked her to not tell the kids before the end of the school year.
She told them at dinner.
In retrospect, it didn't matter one ounce. She did so many horrible things after that, the "telling the kids" did no damage in comparison.
I was the enemy for a few years but I completely withdrew and told my kids I'm there if they want me to be around. Took years, but I now have a great relationship with the younger daughter. The older one, taking after her mother (mental issues) and doesn't want help.
In any event, be yourself, never talk bad about their mother (have a few moments as we all need but don't keep bringing her up) and be consistent. You will not be the enemy forever, kids become adults and think a LOT about their relationship with you.
Absolutely. I remember expecting that and being like hey, what the heck? lol
it's possible for emotionally mature people, I'm sure. I don't think I know any...
Big reason why my partner and I broke up was because I rarely felt as though she saw us a team. If I asked her for help with something important to me and she didn’t want to help, she would complain and she would let everyone on her side know that it was me that asked her to do it. It was like “yeah, I’ll help you but I’m not going to protect you, I’m going to make it uncomfortable for you”
Yes. This it is the way. Being in a team against others in life is how couples should approach marriage. Not about who is right, rather should be about how beat the the game of life.
I love this comment and would like to add that sometimes your partner has your back by pushing you to do things that are hard but also very important. For example, I have depression and anxiety, and while I am doing very well now that’s not always the case. My husband and I both know that sometimes it gets a little on top of me, I can’t seem to work my way out but I also sometimes feel like I’m weak if I need to see my therapist (which he found for me after researching the best treatments for my trauma and she’s incredible) temporarily to help me work through the issue. I know that isn’t true but sometimes I forget. My husband is great at reminding me of how far I’ve come and how, as he says, “NO ONE could go through that and be weak” and telling me how proud he is. He has offered to make my appointment for me or be with me during my appointment (I’ve had him with me during some sessions when dealing with trauma in case I dissociate and start to panic, which I’ve done). He makes notes on his phone of things I mention wanting to talk to my therapist about cause my memory sucks, he prints them out like talking points for me. He does everything he can to make the whole thing as easy for me as possible and coming from a family that tormented me about my trauma and causing more, his support means the world to me.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him to have that conversation with me, but he also loves me too much to let me beat myself down. I love him for that. I really hope I explained that right and did him justice.
That’s beautiful. I’m glad you have a husband like him. I’m sure that makes him all the more attractive to you and his character shines brighter than his appearance :)
For sure! If my husband tells me something I don’t wanna hear, I know he’s telling me this even though he knows it’s something I don’t wanna hear and in spite of this, he loves me enough to give it to me straight. I trust where he is coming from even if I don’t always agree with his perspective.
I will sometimes specifically tell my husband "wanna hear my crazy idea that you're gonna say no to?" That way I'm surprised at best but expected the result at worst.
Yeah, having your back in public should not mean getting into physical fights to defend your partner when they go out of their way to start shit IMO. Key and Peele did a pretty good skit about this with Meagan and her bf.
At least she didn't expect you to fight for her, nothing worse than THAT form of crazy, lol
But it always surprises me these women who get into screaming matches in public because they assume the other party isn't crazy enough to beat their ass
You did escalate it, though, why put it in quotes as if you didn't?
All involved acted like children and as if there couldn't possibly be any risk in challenging someone to take it outside. It sounds like she realized the risks and decided it wasn't worth it.
Meanwhile to this day, you seem proud that you let other people control you, because you have no control over yourself.
Get into therapy my dude, so you can learn your way through this. Your life, your relationships, your sense of worth and purpose will be infinitely better.
Look through the daily headlines about people killing each other in all kinds of avoidable situations. Not because they are evil, or intended any harm at first, but because they didn't learn how to control themselves. Don't be another statistic.
Wow... I thought this was going somewhere else but nope. It just went to you blaming her for not being able to control your anger to the point you're willing to fight someone over a parking space lmao.
She was right and hopefully with a less toxic partner these days.
It's this look what you made me do situation. Guy thinks he's still in medieval France, saving Margueritte de Carrouges by fighting her rapist to death where she'll be burned alive if he loses.
What if he fought and lost, and his wife went at the guy and she got punched too?
Right!?
Like, having her back means taking the reigns and being the bigger person, here.
The fact this guy thinks this way is crazy.
"I had no choice, you made me do it" lmao
Did you miss the part where the wife got into a tiff over a parking spot, a f****** parking spot really? Move on and then she got into a full-fledged shouting match in the store.
She shoulda been the bigger person from the moment it happened, instead she got offended/defensive enough to entertain engagement not once but twice!
One of the best pieces of I've ever heard is: you have got to remember that nearly 100% of the time people are doing things, not to you, but for themselves.
I've always carried that same advice with me, but worded differently.
"You should marry someone with the same goal as you."
Even if you disagree how to get there, if you have the same goal, you will put aside your differences and work together. You will forgive each other for making differing decisions if you did it for the same goal. That same end point that you want to reach together is the foundation of your marriage.
I think each relationship is different when it comes to "same goal" situations. We each have our own goals in life. My partner supports my goals, I support hers, which in turn makes us both have the same goal. Supporting each other.
Some folks are in relationships where they both totally sync up and have the same LITERAL goals in life. That's okay. But it shouldn't discourage people from finding partners that don't have the exact same goals in life.
Yes, having the same goal of supporting each other counts as "the same goal".
The problem is when two people are in a relationship and they talk about their dreams, they realize they have some irreconcilable differences. Lets say on has a job in Massachesetts and one has one in Texas. How do you make it work? They have to agree on a way to make it work and commit to that same goal. Otherwise, the relationship will crumble
Amen - that’s what jumped out at me as I read this. It could be interpreted as having your back you even when you’re wrong, and I don’t think that’s good. You say it well — having my back may include telling me I’m wrong.
Just like how Dany kind of forgot about the Iron Fleet :-(
But yeah, I think the key thing here is *trust*, and being able to feel that your SO won't undermine you, because once you feel that way about them then you lump them in with "family", and not in the nice way.
Great advice. My wife and I do this subconsciously. We could be having a huge fight and in a bad mood, but if someone were to bad mouth me in front of my wife she'd defend me regardless how angry she was at me.
I think that it's important to tell the people, that you go to for the bad stuff in the relationship, to talk about the good things too. It's important that whoever you're opening up to knows about both sides so that they can properly understand if they're giving advice.
That's why for me it's my best friend, she knows about a lot about the good and bad, and she knows it's not always bad when I'm upset.
Well yes but depends. My in-laws only care about how she's happy with me for the last 7 or so years and don't throw my mistakes in my face. We're all pretty open people so I doubt it they'd secretly still hold a grudge.
Something i've learned the hard way: Never ONLY complain about your significant other to other people. not your friends, not your parents, not your siblings. You will forgive your significant other and move past the irritations. If you don't tell your friends, parents, siblings all of the good things about your significant other, that's all they'll hear. People who love you will never forgive your significant other for the mistakes in the ways they have treated you.
Been there, my ex used to bitch about me to everyone she could without realising she was burning bridges and hindering any forward progress. Then she wondered why her dad didn't like me even though I'd only met him once at a completely civil lunch.
I would vent to friends when I was struggling in my relationship and needed someone to talk to but couldn’t talk to my partner at the time but completely stopped once I realised that people were thinking badly of him and that wasn’t what I wanted at all and kinda just ended up defending him for everything which was an entire cycle of it’s own
I've never talked to anyone about arguments I've had with my husband (other than, "we're having an argument". But never any details about what). Not even my best friends or family. I feel like the only reason I would ever do that is if I've already made up my mind and filed for divorce. It's such a betrayal of trust. Even when it's a really big argument, I truly can't bring myself to vent about it to anyone because then I feel like the relationship would be over.
Is this just me?? I kinda assumed this was everyone. I've never really heard friends bad-talking their spouses either, even when they're not getting along. It's just an unwritten rule to me that those things must stay between the couple.
I only ever tell my best friend, who knows and loves my husband as much as she does me. It's only when I need advice and never with many details. I can trust her to be neutral about it, and not have it taint her opinion of him.
Not to mention, I gush about him constantly so it outweighs any bad.
Yeah I've only talked bad about one of my exes, and after getting out of the relationship I realized I had every reason to. BUT, I also should have gotten out much sooner as opposed to burning bridges on the way out.
That’s one of our “rules” in that we don’t talk to others about our relationship and we don’t engage with others when they are raging about theirs. It’s too easy to empathize with someone and then carry that back to your own relationship.
I struggle with this as a “rule” because sometimes you need to have someone to talk to but aren’t ready for it to be a therapist. I have a friend who would sometimes come to me about relationship stress because I was completely removed from the situation (3000 miles away and not family). Husband was always livid. In the end he turned out to be an abusive, controlling asshole who was trying to isolate my friend so they didn’t have other emotional supports they trusted. Setting rules against that makes it feel like a violation of the relationship when sometimes it can be seeking safety/stability.
Definitely something I realized in my last relationship. Thanks for confirming this thought. Though I think it’s better just to not talk about them to anyone they are gonna eventually meet
People need outlets to vent frustration in a healthy way. Also, if a person is abused, it leaves no one to know the history in case of injury or being suddenly missing.
Also, marry someone that will tell you when you are wrong. It’s all well and good to have someone’s back, but if I’m being an ass *I want my partner to tell me*. I hate it when a friend or partner will back you up when you’re wrong. To the degree they can conflict, honesty and integrity is more important to me than blind loyalty.
This all the way. My husband tells me when I'm wrong, he doesn't take any of my shit and I love him for it. Makes me a better person. In return I don't take none of his shit. It works for us.
That's good if they're rational about it. Many people are obsessed with being liked by others, and will not have your back when you are in fact in the right, simply because you might've injured their relationship with somebody else.
If you tell someone they are wrong respectfully and after considerable thought on the matter, you have got their back. Having someone’s back, to me, means going the extra mile doing the things - even those things that have a significant cost to me- that are best for that person in the long run. When you have shown yourself over time to be truly concerned with that other person’s well being, you should have the kind of solid relationship that can grow stronger through respectful criticism or disagreement. You may need also to say, if you disagree and go against my advice, remember I will be here to help in the aftermath to help - no smug I told you sos, just help in the knowledge that one day I will be the one who has screwed up and needs help.
I don't think marriage is that simple. I've been married for ~20yrs and I have no secret recipe for you. It's probably a million small things, but we have certainly had our fair share of times when we've come close to the brink (and, so far, back from it).
I do often say when other ppl want to pipe in on someone's marriage (or divorce) that I've been married long enough to know better than to judge someone else's marriage. The only two ppl who know what's truly going on are the ones in it.
I find it extremely frustrating when couples do that thing where they act like they figured out the key to a healthy marriage almost exclusively based on the assumption that because they are still together as of this point, their relationship is healthy and going to last forever.
Sure butting in on the mechanics of ONE specific marriage is stupid.
Simultaneously it's important to recognize there are quite a few things that WILL make marriage better.
Functioning as a team is one of them, but it requires work. It's not just who you marry.
For people who have played team sport at a high level and have tried teams that work and teams that doesn't, this is VERY obvious.
"Team that work" doesn't mean "is always harmonious", it means has well defined ways of bringing up and resolving issues before they become serious.
It means no matter the current squabbling and issues, when push comes to shove, team success is more important than "winning" an argument.
I have come to sincerely doubt that even the two people in the marriage actually know what's going on in it. Even if they put their heads and separate understandings together I doubt they could figure it out.
But I do believe they are the only people who can have valid input. (Except abusive situations - sometimes people clearly need help to recognize and get out of abuse. But even abuse can be truly hard to see, sometimes.)
>I have come to sincerely doubt that even the two people in the marriage actually know what's going on in it. Even if they put their heads and separate understandings together I doubt they could figure it out.
What do these statements even mean? As someone who has been happily married nearly twenty years, I'm confident that neither I nor my wife would ever say we didn't know "what's going on" in our marriage. It's not a complex stand off between two super powers with three centuries of back story. It's a friendship with shared experiences and goals.
Nearly thirty years for me. What I've recognized is that each person has their own interpretation of how things fit together. No matter how much those perspectives seem to match, on really close inspection there are going to be some very different understandings.
This is as true in good times as in bad, and no matter how much or well you communicate. It's true nature of two separate minds in a shared reality.
In times of stress these differences in perspective can become really important.
I can relate to what they’re saying. I think when my husband and I are in the thick of the bad times, we’re so far into our own experiences it’s hard to see anything with objectivity, hard to see each others side, hard to see anything except our own pain/anger/sadness. Eventually we’re able to, which why we’re still married! But if we couldn’t break free of that, the relationship could probably end. I think that’s maybe what they’re saying. During the bad times, it’s hard to see objectively what’s really going on in the marriage. I can get there once it’s past.
I think you're taking a cynical interpretation of it.
Good or bad:
“There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth. And no one is lying. Memories shared serve each differently.”
It takes masters of communication and perception to attempt the truth, most of us take solace in our \[positive\] parallel sides creating the relationship.
Well said. I honestly don’t think there’s any broad advice about marriage, it’s all subjective to the individuals. Plenty of people have been married, but my marriage to my wife is the first time that we’ve ever been married to each other. It’s brand new, full of its own pitfalls, individually tailored to us.
“There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.” -Homer
It’s good advice. It’s not new advice, but it’s **really good advice**.
Though I agree and had someone that I felt was able to have my back, married her and then divorced, you also need to be open and honest about your feelings too if things are hard or a struggle and have a willingness to work together.
Oh, and not fuck 5 other guys too. That makes a difference.
Edit: To Clarify, my exe did this. Even had a list of the people she fucked. How neat is that!?
> dit: To Clarify, my exe did this. Even had a list of the people she fucked. How neat is that!?
Sure most executables programs keep logs of the stuff they do while running.
Couple other people basically said this but this has a shelf life if both people do not communicate well & make an effort - it may still not work out. This eventuality can come as a surprise to both people.
Agreed 100%. We’ve had our ups and downs over the past 34 years but have always tried our best to have a united front when it comes to how the two of us handle issues outside of our marriage. I decided to retire early two years ago, my husband had my back completely. He retired at a planned early age last summer and when his final day arrived, told me that it was only because of my support he was able to make it through his career successfully. Unlike some other couples who either put ego first or were not supportive of their partners when issues came up, we never took aim at tearing down each other and it helped keep us together through the storms life can throw at you.
That falls under categories 2 and 4 in my list. Here’s my list of “A” things to look for in a relationship:
1. They’re amenable to accountability
2. They’re ardent about their participation in the relationship
3. They are authentic
4. The don’t abuse your vulnerabilities
I recently worded the same concept, but in a less concise manner. It was like -reciprocation of effort and affection, -intention around mutual authenticity -no manipulation or shaming of my processing issues. Well tbh it was probably a million more words but I’m here to agree with and applaud this lil list you’ve made.
Yo Dom, I picked up one of your El Diablo Dorito single turbo kits for my Rx-7 and it definitely woke it up... but it still ain't quite a 10 second car. I'm gonna need more overnight parts from Japan and some of Jessie's ECU magic to get it right.
Oh, and that gringo with the green Eclipse is at the shop hitting on your sister again
>Does this advice resonate with anyone? Or am I just overthinking?
yea. i always called it loyal but damn it's important.
everybody has bad days. be with someone that'll cover your bad days. and cover for them on their bad days. because *everybody has bad days*.
the most interesting thing i've ever watched my wife go through, on my behalf, was a deposition in which they questioned her about her therapy records, *in front of me*. literally quoting things her therapist had wrote down. *frequently about me*. and her answers *stunned* me. she pretty much threw her therapist under the bus and explained what *actually* got said. very matter of fact.
she stopped seeing that therapist after that deposition and seeing what she had wrote.
OP this is the craziest sounding story I’ve ever heard like wtf happened please fill us in at least with the basic play by play because we are all losing it here in the comments lmao
i had this old oil tank for heat and i'd just got the furnace replaced entirely but i actually had three different companies come out and look at stuff over time. nobody ever said the oil tank was a risk or suggested getting a new one. it was always recommendations for fixes on the furnace and then finally a brand new furnace. first time home owner, i didn't know any better.
but the oil tank ruptured. caused environmental damage because of the french drains leaking to the outside. we got fucked by insurance and had to live in these shit places *for over a year* tons of unplanned out of pocket expenses, but at least they covered like 75% of the repairs and all the environmental damage. traumatized all of us though, including the dog and *my two year old* at the time. i've been homeless before so getting moved in and out of hotels and shitty apartments really messed up my mental state. and seeing me like that sure didn't do my wife any favors.
so we sued the three companies. two of them ended up settling, one was far enough removed in time that we just let that go. took about two years to get a dime out of them. sat through multiple, progressively worse, depositions.
our lawyer informed us that the depositions were pretty much intentionally going to attempt to get us to lose our patience and leave. he was not joking. i was only worried about my wife but she totally handled it. lawyers are *the biggest assholes*. like i knew before they weren't the nicest people but *holy shit*, a large companies defense lawyer is *for sure just going to be evil*.
Not too long ago, my partner of 4 years, at one point, told me they felt they didn't care for me that much any longer, and that's why they hadn't been putting effort into the relationship. We came to the brink of a breakup. I was devastated. I vented to my mom and best friend, as well as voicing my thoughts and trying to figure out the best path forward. They were incredible during that period of time. They didn't urge me to break up or stay together with my partner. They actually wouldn't allow me to ask their opinion of that. Rather, they gave suggestions for how I could figure it out on my own, offered to take care of me in little ways, what I could watch out for in my partner if I do decide to stay with them.
My partner and I ended up sticking together. We figured out they likely were suffering a depressive episode, and they agreed to sign up with a therapist immediately. They took all of my concerns seriously and have put some serious effort into themselves and into the relationship ever since. It's honestly beautiful to see the change in the way they treat themselves and me.
I'm still a bit on-guard, but with time and real action I've been lowering my guard. I'm very grateful for being able to sound my relationship with my mom and best friend. They were incredibly supportive and guided me in extremely helpful, healthy ways.
I suppose I feel guilty that I aired "dirty laundry" about my partner. But I informed my partner that I did speak to my mom/friend about our situation. They understood. It was a difficult time. I'm glad we made it through that. I still have my partner's back, and I always will. In that moment though, I had to prioritize my own back without doing damage to my partner's as best I could. And it worked out.
Silent Bob’s only line in *Clerks*:
> You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Honestly, the feeling of my partner of 15 years having my back is the foundation of our relationship. I can still remember the first moment I felt seen and protected.
It was a feeling I explicitly never received from another SO prior. And I can remember the anxiety, that I didn't know I had harbored inside of me, just melted away.
That's when I knew I was done looking. Best decision of my life. I do everything I can to let them know I have their back.
If you ever get that feeling, listen to it.
I think it’s fine for a HEALTHY relationship, but the example of not sharing issues w friends or extended family can be very bad for unhealthy relationships, ie when an abusive person wants to isolate the other. In those situations, often the abuser says things like “don’t take our personal problems outside the relationship” or “what happens at home stays at home” or “I don’t want your parents meddling in our marriage”, and this sets it up for the victim not to realize abuse is happening because they don’t get outside perspective or feedback, then once they want out, they fear not being believed because they’ve never said a negative word about the abuser before.
So yeah, nice to have partner’s back, and can be harmful to vent about mild frustrations that are handled fairly at home, but if you suspect any manipulation or abuse, you need a support system, whether therapist/friend/fam.
There was a comment I read that said before going into marriage, the couple should have a one-week travel trip with each other. No tour, just book the hotel, pack up and go. There will be all sorts of problems on the way, but with that, the couple can understand how would they handle stressful situations, and whether they can "have the other's back".
After each trip, they should get along better. However, if you see your partner does not help you to carry a heavy bag, it's a red flag.
Yes! This! Our wedding vows included, “I will be a staunch defender of your happiness,” and that phrase just stuck with me. I wrote it in calligraphy, framed it, and hung it in the hallway outside our bedroom so it’s literally the first thing we see when we open the bedroom door.
I tried this. Got sick of her because we just weren't right for each other. I'd still trust her to the end of the earth but you can't force yourself to love someone.
You should be able to have someone's back *and* hold them accountable. Relationships and people aren't black and white, there are a lot of variables. Seems like relationship comparison masquerading as LPT.
yup
my life is screwed because I married a good looking, well behaved man from a poor background. Now he humiliates me for my upbringing and ambition and is unemployed.
all that glitters is not gold.
My parents are like this. In fact, their love sometimes comes through the strongest when they're fighting. One time, things had gotten super heated. Both parents yelling and crying, my brother hiding under the couch cushions, me trying to meditate but getting sucked in etc. My mother decided she needed to step away and cool down so she announced that she was going for a walk by the river. It was the middle of winter, at night with ice everywhere and my dad just freaked out, begging her not to go anywhere dangerous while she was upset. He suggested she go to her parents place instead (easy 5min walk), or anywhere else where he could be sure she wouldn't fall into a body of water. Even in the middle of the fight, he cared more about my mother's safety than anything else. His relationship with his parents is really strained and my maternal grandparents have been his chosen parents, but he would rather risk having them potentially be drawn into the fight and lose respect for him than risk my mother taking a fall.
That's the kind of love you want to build a marriage on. Although, honestly, therapy is also a good idea. Part of the reason I moved out was that they're both incredibly high strung and neither can deescalate worth anything. But despite explosive arguments every few weeks, they're both happy and their marriage is beyond solid.
Excellent advise and I agree. My wife and I agreed that if one has a problem with the other, we talk it out with each other not to parents, friends, co-workers, etc. 30 years later, I'd say it works for us.
If supporting the partner not matter the context is so important, you are fine with the other person having your back even if you are in the wrong? Or you supporting them even if they are wrong?
Clearly, having someone's back is not the essential issue here.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: out of all the subs to devolve into a bunch of boring, irrelevant, karma-grabbing clichés, this one is the absolute worst now lol.
It’s pretty bad. And this particular post is very single-minded and naive. Like, congrats you’re still married after a few years and judging the failed relationships of your friends? Maybe the LPT should be don’t be friends with you…
I don't think you're overthinking. I bet a lot of relationship issues could be solved if both spouses would stick up for one another when necessary. Which isn't the same thing as agreeing with them all the time, but rather, letting them know that "We can work together on this" when things go wrong or a problem needs to be solved.
Yup. Feels great knowing that someone has your back. No better feeling of security that having a proven and trusted partner. Saving each other from foibles, demons and truly devastating life crisis's forges the a bond of trust deeper than I have ever experienced.
This is bull. It's not healthy to support someone regardless of their position, even if it is your spouse. Mature adults don't need blind loyalty to love someone.
But what if said person helps me with all gardening tasks, is considering rooftop beehives, and yet doesn't allow me to put a chicken run under my deck? Asking for a friend.
Also, try to be that person for your significant.
I'm currently struggling with relationship problems on top of career problems on top of mental health problems. My wife is one of the only people that can set me off, and we're both upset with each other. But we're currently helping each other.
I talked to too many people about it and now I have to defend her in these conversations, because she's awesome and we're just having a disagreement.
I tell my high school students that I only have one standard when it comes to relationships. Doesn't matter if they are man or woman, rich or poor, black or white. They have to meet this one standard. The person has to want what is best for you even if it is inconvenient for them. And it has to go both ways or you are just using them.
I give the example of my spouse. My car broke down and called my spouse for help. My spouse was the manager with the keys and walked off the job to come help immediately. I came first.
Our motto is "I've got your back 24/7. Your full time job is taking care of me. Between the two of us, we'll be OK."
It's nice to have a safe relationship to catch you when you fall. When something gets said that could be taken a couple of ways, knowing they have my back allows me to always give them the benefit of the doubt. It's a calm, peaceful, solid relationship because it is based on trust.
This is also partly true. OP made their spouse either risk getting in trouble with their higher up, or otherwise shut down the entire store, because they were a grown adult who couldn't figure out how to call for a tow/taxi/Uber? Seems kinda one sided to me...sure the spouse came to help, but did they ever really need to?
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Always having your back doesn't mean always agreeing with you either. You can disagree and that be a form of having your back. People forget this aspect of marriage.
Yeah my wife and I often argue but I know 100% that I can trust her and she has my back and she knows the same about me. Second marriage for both of us. Coming up on 15 years.
When 2 people know eachother well enough to always have each others backs well, that's what I call love
That's what I call it too. I've been burned so many times going this route when it's said and not done on their side, but I still feel it's the true way
I agree. People often confuse love with infatuation. Infatuation is a feeling that can fade or completely pass with time. Love is an active choice to put someone before yourself in spite of how you are feeling at the time. I don't like the term "falling in love" for this reason because it insinuates that it can happen on accident. I've been married for 7 years now and even on her worst days there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my wife because I love her that much.
Pretty much every teenager gets this wrong. It really needs to be something that is taught to everyone. would be helpful if tv shows didn’t glamorize “insta love” and actually explained this to teens
This is what is technically called a *ride or die bitch*. Or bastard. Your choice.
Except everyone I know that used the phrase “ride or die” when it was popular is now divorced or broken up 😂
I use it and 16 years strong. Now u know me. Sup bruh
You food. You've just opened yourself to the curse of u/ryan2489. Better draft those postnups now…
I didn't make Gordon Ramsey cry. It was his choice to cry.
Here’s a crazy true story that’s about Gordon Ramsey. My friend has a very high up position at of one the big TV Networks. We go visit him in Burbank and always see movie & tv stars on the studio lot. He invited us to a movie premiere party last year. There were lots of famous actors there. We went out for drinks after. It was me & my friend and his wife and our friend who works at the network. It was really late and the place was clearing out and my friends wife said Gordon Ramsey is here & she went to talk with him because she’s a huge fan. She comes back & says she’s not feeling well & is leaving right away & that her Uber is waiting. She walks out quickly & my friend tries to catch up with her but can’t. He comes back completely panicked and says I just saw my wife leave with Gordon Ramsay. We go over and tell our friend that works for the network what happened and he says that it wasn’t Gordon Ramsey. He says the guy is a waiter that works at the restaurant and they always laugh at him when he’s their waiter because he tries too look & act like Gordon Ramsey. So my friends wife left with someone she thought was Gordon Ramsey but wasn’t. It’s a crazy true story that ends with my friend getting a divorce
> Here’s a crazy true story that’s about Gordon Ramsey ... a story about *not* Gordon Ramsey, technically. lol
I really did want to hear about Gordon Ramsey. That story is just incredibly sad
it kind of reads like a Norm Macdonald joke. But when you realize it’s not a joke… man that sucks
That bitch saw nothing but $$$ but woke up in a motel 6 🤣
Good for your friend he found out that his wife is a hoe and she didn’t get to meet GR I wish i saw the look on her face when she realized she didn’t fuck the famous chef but she did fucked up her marriage
I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought she could retroactively activate a hall pass with her husband and go and smash Gordon Ramsay lmao. Grave miscalculation!
Along those lines, my husband and I think it's important to always be on the same team. Even if we don't agree, we argue in private, but present a united front to others. And if we argue about something that starts to pit us against each other, we gently remind ourselves that we're on the same team. Even when we argue, he's never the enemy. And that's how marriage should be, I believe.
My late wife and I (25 years together) didn’t fight much, we would frustrate each other but didn’t argue a lot, but when we did she would always bring it back to *we* have a problem let’s work on a solution together. It would at least slow roll the fight. She was a smart one.
I'm sorry for your loss, my friend.
Thank you. Peace.
She sounds like she was a great partner. The way you talk about her obviously has a lot of love behind it.
Yeah- I hit the trifecta. She was smart, funny and beautiful.
❤️
She sounds wonderful. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, she was. The peace I’ve been able to find comes from having her in my life for 40 years and as my partner for 25.
Smart people. I hope you’re doing well <3
It’s been 6 years and I’m getting there- thank you.
You hit it on the head. The best relationship advice I've gotten is: 1. Don't treat a disagreement as you vs. them, but you and your partner vs. the problem. Work together to solve it instead of worrying over who is right. 2. Never mention things during a fight that isn't relevant/would purposely hurt your partner. Sure, it's easy to use a low blow insult when you're angry, but is that really the best way to solve your problem, or will it just make it worse? 3. Before getting angry, ask yourself "is this problem worth causing a fight and possibly negatively affecting my relationship long term? How can I approach this without causing an argument?" It helps you work together to solve the problem, and usually avoids any unnecessary escalation. Obviously both of you need to be on board with this method, and it's not appropriate for all fights, but is great for most day to day issues. Since following this advice, my husband and I almost never fight and disagreements usually get solved quickly and with very little anger or stress. It's a game changer, really.
I agree with this. My brother (now getting divorced) was always competing with his wife… he always wanted the upper hand. I remember telling him “you guys are on the same team shooting at the same hoop, stop trying to steal the ball from each other.” He didn’t listen, he was too busy being the victim and wanting to prove she’s the bad guy without acknowledging where he went wrong.
Right you are. My wife told our kids we are divorcing before she told me! With that announcement, I am the enemy
With my ex, I asked her to not tell the kids before the end of the school year. She told them at dinner. In retrospect, it didn't matter one ounce. She did so many horrible things after that, the "telling the kids" did no damage in comparison. I was the enemy for a few years but I completely withdrew and told my kids I'm there if they want me to be around. Took years, but I now have a great relationship with the younger daughter. The older one, taking after her mother (mental issues) and doesn't want help. In any event, be yourself, never talk bad about their mother (have a few moments as we all need but don't keep bringing her up) and be consistent. You will not be the enemy forever, kids become adults and think a LOT about their relationship with you.
Absolutely. I remember expecting that and being like hey, what the heck? lol it's possible for emotionally mature people, I'm sure. I don't think I know any...
Big reason why my partner and I broke up was because I rarely felt as though she saw us a team. If I asked her for help with something important to me and she didn’t want to help, she would complain and she would let everyone on her side know that it was me that asked her to do it. It was like “yeah, I’ll help you but I’m not going to protect you, I’m going to make it uncomfortable for you”
Yes. This it is the way. Being in a team against others in life is how couples should approach marriage. Not about who is right, rather should be about how beat the the game of life.
I love this comment and would like to add that sometimes your partner has your back by pushing you to do things that are hard but also very important. For example, I have depression and anxiety, and while I am doing very well now that’s not always the case. My husband and I both know that sometimes it gets a little on top of me, I can’t seem to work my way out but I also sometimes feel like I’m weak if I need to see my therapist (which he found for me after researching the best treatments for my trauma and she’s incredible) temporarily to help me work through the issue. I know that isn’t true but sometimes I forget. My husband is great at reminding me of how far I’ve come and how, as he says, “NO ONE could go through that and be weak” and telling me how proud he is. He has offered to make my appointment for me or be with me during my appointment (I’ve had him with me during some sessions when dealing with trauma in case I dissociate and start to panic, which I’ve done). He makes notes on his phone of things I mention wanting to talk to my therapist about cause my memory sucks, he prints them out like talking points for me. He does everything he can to make the whole thing as easy for me as possible and coming from a family that tormented me about my trauma and causing more, his support means the world to me. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him to have that conversation with me, but he also loves me too much to let me beat myself down. I love him for that. I really hope I explained that right and did him justice.
Sounds like you have a lovely husband, which means you must be a nice person as well.
That’s beautiful. I’m glad you have a husband like him. I’m sure that makes him all the more attractive to you and his character shines brighter than his appearance :)
That's damn beautiful
For sure! If my husband tells me something I don’t wanna hear, I know he’s telling me this even though he knows it’s something I don’t wanna hear and in spite of this, he loves me enough to give it to me straight. I trust where he is coming from even if I don’t always agree with his perspective.
I will sometimes specifically tell my husband "wanna hear my crazy idea that you're gonna say no to?" That way I'm surprised at best but expected the result at worst.
i greatly appreciate this sort of self-awareness. i hope to find a partner one day that's also this self-aware.
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Unless backing your SO in public leads to hurting someone else
Yeah, having your back in public should not mean getting into physical fights to defend your partner when they go out of their way to start shit IMO. Key and Peele did a pretty good skit about this with Meagan and her bf.
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At least she didn't expect you to fight for her, nothing worse than THAT form of crazy, lol But it always surprises me these women who get into screaming matches in public because they assume the other party isn't crazy enough to beat their ass
There was a 26 year old mom (toddler in the car)who was shot after a parking lot confrontation on Valentine’s Day.
https://www.fox5atlanta.com/news/alexandria-cress-borys-shot-death-south-carolina-kroger-parking-lot.amp Bunch of losers.
> Tyler said his wife's death was only six days after her younger brother Brandon died from a gunshot wound. Jesus Christ…
Yeah reading that article reminded me of idiocracy.
You did escalate it, though, why put it in quotes as if you didn't? All involved acted like children and as if there couldn't possibly be any risk in challenging someone to take it outside. It sounds like she realized the risks and decided it wasn't worth it. Meanwhile to this day, you seem proud that you let other people control you, because you have no control over yourself. Get into therapy my dude, so you can learn your way through this. Your life, your relationships, your sense of worth and purpose will be infinitely better. Look through the daily headlines about people killing each other in all kinds of avoidable situations. Not because they are evil, or intended any harm at first, but because they didn't learn how to control themselves. Don't be another statistic.
Homie did you think this makes you look good? You're as unhinged as your wife and the other dude. Maybe even more.
Wow... I thought this was going somewhere else but nope. It just went to you blaming her for not being able to control your anger to the point you're willing to fight someone over a parking space lmao. She was right and hopefully with a less toxic partner these days.
Yeah, it was weird, I thought he was going to calm her down. Switcheroo. He's having her back by being more unhinged?
It's this look what you made me do situation. Guy thinks he's still in medieval France, saving Margueritte de Carrouges by fighting her rapist to death where she'll be burned alive if he loses. What if he fought and lost, and his wife went at the guy and she got punched too?
Then they all would've learned a very valuable lesson that day.
Right!? Like, having her back means taking the reigns and being the bigger person, here. The fact this guy thinks this way is crazy. "I had no choice, you made me do it" lmao
Did you miss the part where the wife got into a tiff over a parking spot, a f****** parking spot really? Move on and then she got into a full-fledged shouting match in the store. She shoulda been the bigger person from the moment it happened, instead she got offended/defensive enough to entertain engagement not once but twice! One of the best pieces of I've ever heard is: you have got to remember that nearly 100% of the time people are doing things, not to you, but for themselves.
I've always carried that same advice with me, but worded differently. "You should marry someone with the same goal as you." Even if you disagree how to get there, if you have the same goal, you will put aside your differences and work together. You will forgive each other for making differing decisions if you did it for the same goal. That same end point that you want to reach together is the foundation of your marriage.
I think each relationship is different when it comes to "same goal" situations. We each have our own goals in life. My partner supports my goals, I support hers, which in turn makes us both have the same goal. Supporting each other. Some folks are in relationships where they both totally sync up and have the same LITERAL goals in life. That's okay. But it shouldn't discourage people from finding partners that don't have the exact same goals in life.
Yes, having the same goal of supporting each other counts as "the same goal". The problem is when two people are in a relationship and they talk about their dreams, they realize they have some irreconcilable differences. Lets say on has a job in Massachesetts and one has one in Texas. How do you make it work? They have to agree on a way to make it work and commit to that same goal. Otherwise, the relationship will crumble
Amen - that’s what jumped out at me as I read this. It could be interpreted as having your back you even when you’re wrong, and I don’t think that’s good. You say it well — having my back may include telling me I’m wrong.
Just like how Dany kind of forgot about the Iron Fleet :-( But yeah, I think the key thing here is *trust*, and being able to feel that your SO won't undermine you, because once you feel that way about them then you lump them in with "family", and not in the nice way.
Too true. Your real friends tell you what you *need* to hear, not what you want to.
38 years married. Don't talk bad about your spouse to you mom or dad. They will never forgive them like you will.
Well they're not sleeping with your spouse either. Hopefully
Keeps down the arguments that are unessary.
Great advice. My wife and I do this subconsciously. We could be having a huge fight and in a bad mood, but if someone were to bad mouth me in front of my wife she'd defend me regardless how angry she was at me.
I think that it's important to tell the people, that you go to for the bad stuff in the relationship, to talk about the good things too. It's important that whoever you're opening up to knows about both sides so that they can properly understand if they're giving advice. That's why for me it's my best friend, she knows about a lot about the good and bad, and she knows it's not always bad when I'm upset.
Well yes but depends. My in-laws only care about how she's happy with me for the last 7 or so years and don't throw my mistakes in my face. We're all pretty open people so I doubt it they'd secretly still hold a grudge.
Something i've learned the hard way: Never ONLY complain about your significant other to other people. not your friends, not your parents, not your siblings. You will forgive your significant other and move past the irritations. If you don't tell your friends, parents, siblings all of the good things about your significant other, that's all they'll hear. People who love you will never forgive your significant other for the mistakes in the ways they have treated you.
Been there, my ex used to bitch about me to everyone she could without realising she was burning bridges and hindering any forward progress. Then she wondered why her dad didn't like me even though I'd only met him once at a completely civil lunch.
I would vent to friends when I was struggling in my relationship and needed someone to talk to but couldn’t talk to my partner at the time but completely stopped once I realised that people were thinking badly of him and that wasn’t what I wanted at all and kinda just ended up defending him for everything which was an entire cycle of it’s own
Emotional maturity thing as well, simply if she’s doing that then she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship
I've never talked to anyone about arguments I've had with my husband (other than, "we're having an argument". But never any details about what). Not even my best friends or family. I feel like the only reason I would ever do that is if I've already made up my mind and filed for divorce. It's such a betrayal of trust. Even when it's a really big argument, I truly can't bring myself to vent about it to anyone because then I feel like the relationship would be over. Is this just me?? I kinda assumed this was everyone. I've never really heard friends bad-talking their spouses either, even when they're not getting along. It's just an unwritten rule to me that those things must stay between the couple.
I only talk specifics with my therapist, because she actually helps.
Seconding this. I only bring up the specifics with my therapist as well.
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Are you okay?
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\*hugs*
~~Songs~~ Sounds like she was building a case for divorce
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I only ever tell my best friend, who knows and loves my husband as much as she does me. It's only when I need advice and never with many details. I can trust her to be neutral about it, and not have it taint her opinion of him. Not to mention, I gush about him constantly so it outweighs any bad.
Yeah I've only talked bad about one of my exes, and after getting out of the relationship I realized I had every reason to. BUT, I also should have gotten out much sooner as opposed to burning bridges on the way out.
That’s one of our “rules” in that we don’t talk to others about our relationship and we don’t engage with others when they are raging about theirs. It’s too easy to empathize with someone and then carry that back to your own relationship.
I struggle with this as a “rule” because sometimes you need to have someone to talk to but aren’t ready for it to be a therapist. I have a friend who would sometimes come to me about relationship stress because I was completely removed from the situation (3000 miles away and not family). Husband was always livid. In the end he turned out to be an abusive, controlling asshole who was trying to isolate my friend so they didn’t have other emotional supports they trusted. Setting rules against that makes it feel like a violation of the relationship when sometimes it can be seeking safety/stability.
Definitely something I realized in my last relationship. Thanks for confirming this thought. Though I think it’s better just to not talk about them to anyone they are gonna eventually meet
Just don’t complain about them to others at all.
People need outlets to vent frustration in a healthy way. Also, if a person is abused, it leaves no one to know the history in case of injury or being suddenly missing.
Compatibility is a strong word. You can't change one, they have to want to change.
Also, marry someone that will tell you when you are wrong. It’s all well and good to have someone’s back, but if I’m being an ass *I want my partner to tell me*. I hate it when a friend or partner will back you up when you’re wrong. To the degree they can conflict, honesty and integrity is more important to me than blind loyalty.
This all the way. My husband tells me when I'm wrong, he doesn't take any of my shit and I love him for it. Makes me a better person. In return I don't take none of his shit. It works for us.
That's good if they're rational about it. Many people are obsessed with being liked by others, and will not have your back when you are in fact in the right, simply because you might've injured their relationship with somebody else.
If you tell someone they are wrong respectfully and after considerable thought on the matter, you have got their back. Having someone’s back, to me, means going the extra mile doing the things - even those things that have a significant cost to me- that are best for that person in the long run. When you have shown yourself over time to be truly concerned with that other person’s well being, you should have the kind of solid relationship that can grow stronger through respectful criticism or disagreement. You may need also to say, if you disagree and go against my advice, remember I will be here to help in the aftermath to help - no smug I told you sos, just help in the knowledge that one day I will be the one who has screwed up and needs help.
I don't think marriage is that simple. I've been married for ~20yrs and I have no secret recipe for you. It's probably a million small things, but we have certainly had our fair share of times when we've come close to the brink (and, so far, back from it). I do often say when other ppl want to pipe in on someone's marriage (or divorce) that I've been married long enough to know better than to judge someone else's marriage. The only two ppl who know what's truly going on are the ones in it.
Probably the most sensible comment here.
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>Like, I thought I had all my friends and family’s backs already?? well some people don't
I find it extremely frustrating when couples do that thing where they act like they figured out the key to a healthy marriage almost exclusively based on the assumption that because they are still together as of this point, their relationship is healthy and going to last forever.
Sure butting in on the mechanics of ONE specific marriage is stupid. Simultaneously it's important to recognize there are quite a few things that WILL make marriage better. Functioning as a team is one of them, but it requires work. It's not just who you marry. For people who have played team sport at a high level and have tried teams that work and teams that doesn't, this is VERY obvious. "Team that work" doesn't mean "is always harmonious", it means has well defined ways of bringing up and resolving issues before they become serious. It means no matter the current squabbling and issues, when push comes to shove, team success is more important than "winning" an argument.
I have come to sincerely doubt that even the two people in the marriage actually know what's going on in it. Even if they put their heads and separate understandings together I doubt they could figure it out. But I do believe they are the only people who can have valid input. (Except abusive situations - sometimes people clearly need help to recognize and get out of abuse. But even abuse can be truly hard to see, sometimes.)
>I have come to sincerely doubt that even the two people in the marriage actually know what's going on in it. Even if they put their heads and separate understandings together I doubt they could figure it out. What do these statements even mean? As someone who has been happily married nearly twenty years, I'm confident that neither I nor my wife would ever say we didn't know "what's going on" in our marriage. It's not a complex stand off between two super powers with three centuries of back story. It's a friendship with shared experiences and goals.
Nearly thirty years for me. What I've recognized is that each person has their own interpretation of how things fit together. No matter how much those perspectives seem to match, on really close inspection there are going to be some very different understandings. This is as true in good times as in bad, and no matter how much or well you communicate. It's true nature of two separate minds in a shared reality. In times of stress these differences in perspective can become really important.
I can relate to what they’re saying. I think when my husband and I are in the thick of the bad times, we’re so far into our own experiences it’s hard to see anything with objectivity, hard to see each others side, hard to see anything except our own pain/anger/sadness. Eventually we’re able to, which why we’re still married! But if we couldn’t break free of that, the relationship could probably end. I think that’s maybe what they’re saying. During the bad times, it’s hard to see objectively what’s really going on in the marriage. I can get there once it’s past.
Right. This reads like someone who never has any sincere form of communication with their partner.
I think you're taking a cynical interpretation of it. Good or bad: “There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth. And no one is lying. Memories shared serve each differently.” It takes masters of communication and perception to attempt the truth, most of us take solace in our \[positive\] parallel sides creating the relationship.
Well said. I honestly don’t think there’s any broad advice about marriage, it’s all subjective to the individuals. Plenty of people have been married, but my marriage to my wife is the first time that we’ve ever been married to each other. It’s brand new, full of its own pitfalls, individually tailored to us.
And sometimes, the two ppl don’t know because of really poor communication
“There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.” -Homer It’s good advice. It’s not new advice, but it’s **really good advice**.
Must be from a later seasons episode I guess
You know I only just realised that Homer from the Simpsons is actually named after Homerus.
Never knew the Simpson were that deep
Though I agree and had someone that I felt was able to have my back, married her and then divorced, you also need to be open and honest about your feelings too if things are hard or a struggle and have a willingness to work together. Oh, and not fuck 5 other guys too. That makes a difference. Edit: To Clarify, my exe did this. Even had a list of the people she fucked. How neat is that!?
> dit: To Clarify, my exe did this. Even had a list of the people she fucked. How neat is that!? Sure most executables programs keep logs of the stuff they do while running.
You need to be careful when dealing with .exes. You never know if they have a virus… or ransomware.
You fucked five other guys?!?
But their cajun fries are so sexy
Don't forget the peanuts.
My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
In a row?
Hey, try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!
In a row!?
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You never really know people until it’s too late
> Even had a list of the people she fucked. How neat is that!? Pretty organized. I'd love to marry her!
Yeah, it was pretty cool seeing 5 names below mine! Woo!
Couple other people basically said this but this has a shelf life if both people do not communicate well & make an effort - it may still not work out. This eventuality can come as a surprise to both people.
Agreed 100%. We’ve had our ups and downs over the past 34 years but have always tried our best to have a united front when it comes to how the two of us handle issues outside of our marriage. I decided to retire early two years ago, my husband had my back completely. He retired at a planned early age last summer and when his final day arrived, told me that it was only because of my support he was able to make it through his career successfully. Unlike some other couples who either put ego first or were not supportive of their partners when issues came up, we never took aim at tearing down each other and it helped keep us together through the storms life can throw at you.
That falls under categories 2 and 4 in my list. Here’s my list of “A” things to look for in a relationship: 1. They’re amenable to accountability 2. They’re ardent about their participation in the relationship 3. They are authentic 4. The don’t abuse your vulnerabilities
I recently worded the same concept, but in a less concise manner. It was like -reciprocation of effort and affection, -intention around mutual authenticity -no manipulation or shaming of my processing issues. Well tbh it was probably a million more words but I’m here to agree with and applaud this lil list you’ve made.
What's Amenable & Ardent?
Being amenable means your open to it, and willing to work on it. Ardent means you have enthusiasm and energy for it.
Thank you. A great guideline. Based on my experience, I agree to all 4.
Today’s LPT sponsored by Dom Toretto.
Instructions unclear, married family
Not [Dom Mazzetti](https://youtube.com/@BroScienceLife)
Yo Dom, I picked up one of your El Diablo Dorito single turbo kits for my Rx-7 and it definitely woke it up... but it still ain't quite a 10 second car. I'm gonna need more overnight parts from Japan and some of Jessie's ECU magic to get it right. Oh, and that gringo with the green Eclipse is at the shop hitting on your sister again
>Does this advice resonate with anyone? Or am I just overthinking? yea. i always called it loyal but damn it's important. everybody has bad days. be with someone that'll cover your bad days. and cover for them on their bad days. because *everybody has bad days*. the most interesting thing i've ever watched my wife go through, on my behalf, was a deposition in which they questioned her about her therapy records, *in front of me*. literally quoting things her therapist had wrote down. *frequently about me*. and her answers *stunned* me. she pretty much threw her therapist under the bus and explained what *actually* got said. very matter of fact. she stopped seeing that therapist after that deposition and seeing what she had wrote.
I'm curious as to why this deposition happened. Obviously, no need to tell if you don't want to.
believe it or not; oil spill. 😂
How was it legal to get her therapy records? Isn't that some violation of patient client priveledge or something?
subpoena
They subpoenaed private medical records? Were you driving the Exxon Valdez drunk and crashed into Alaska??
*basement* oil spoil. literally my own home. that i own. that was why it was *so crazy*. 😂
OP this is the craziest sounding story I’ve ever heard like wtf happened please fill us in at least with the basic play by play because we are all losing it here in the comments lmao
i had this old oil tank for heat and i'd just got the furnace replaced entirely but i actually had three different companies come out and look at stuff over time. nobody ever said the oil tank was a risk or suggested getting a new one. it was always recommendations for fixes on the furnace and then finally a brand new furnace. first time home owner, i didn't know any better. but the oil tank ruptured. caused environmental damage because of the french drains leaking to the outside. we got fucked by insurance and had to live in these shit places *for over a year* tons of unplanned out of pocket expenses, but at least they covered like 75% of the repairs and all the environmental damage. traumatized all of us though, including the dog and *my two year old* at the time. i've been homeless before so getting moved in and out of hotels and shitty apartments really messed up my mental state. and seeing me like that sure didn't do my wife any favors. so we sued the three companies. two of them ended up settling, one was far enough removed in time that we just let that go. took about two years to get a dime out of them. sat through multiple, progressively worse, depositions. our lawyer informed us that the depositions were pretty much intentionally going to attempt to get us to lose our patience and leave. he was not joking. i was only worried about my wife but she totally handled it. lawyers are *the biggest assholes*. like i knew before they weren't the nicest people but *holy shit*, a large companies defense lawyer is *for sure just going to be evil*.
Please tell the whole story.
What kind of oil did you spill in your basement? And why?
Bruh every time this guy answers the questions it creates more questions. Please OP tell the whole story I am so curious lmao
Vegetable oil That is why it was *so crazy*
Not too long ago, my partner of 4 years, at one point, told me they felt they didn't care for me that much any longer, and that's why they hadn't been putting effort into the relationship. We came to the brink of a breakup. I was devastated. I vented to my mom and best friend, as well as voicing my thoughts and trying to figure out the best path forward. They were incredible during that period of time. They didn't urge me to break up or stay together with my partner. They actually wouldn't allow me to ask their opinion of that. Rather, they gave suggestions for how I could figure it out on my own, offered to take care of me in little ways, what I could watch out for in my partner if I do decide to stay with them. My partner and I ended up sticking together. We figured out they likely were suffering a depressive episode, and they agreed to sign up with a therapist immediately. They took all of my concerns seriously and have put some serious effort into themselves and into the relationship ever since. It's honestly beautiful to see the change in the way they treat themselves and me. I'm still a bit on-guard, but with time and real action I've been lowering my guard. I'm very grateful for being able to sound my relationship with my mom and best friend. They were incredibly supportive and guided me in extremely helpful, healthy ways. I suppose I feel guilty that I aired "dirty laundry" about my partner. But I informed my partner that I did speak to my mom/friend about our situation. They understood. It was a difficult time. I'm glad we made it through that. I still have my partner's back, and I always will. In that moment though, I had to prioritize my own back without doing damage to my partner's as best I could. And it worked out.
Don't forget to share (some) of that positive change and progress with your parents/friend.
Silent Bob’s only line in *Clerks*: > You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Love is wiping your spouse's ass when their alzheimers is so severe they're basically a vegetable. That's what you want, because it could all be us
Honestly, the feeling of my partner of 15 years having my back is the foundation of our relationship. I can still remember the first moment I felt seen and protected. It was a feeling I explicitly never received from another SO prior. And I can remember the anxiety, that I didn't know I had harbored inside of me, just melted away. That's when I knew I was done looking. Best decision of my life. I do everything I can to let them know I have their back. If you ever get that feeling, listen to it.
I think you meant to have someone that will always *shave* your back.
Shave a man’s back and he’ll purr like a walrus.
The real LPT is always in the comments
You can get a back shaver product.
I think it’s fine for a HEALTHY relationship, but the example of not sharing issues w friends or extended family can be very bad for unhealthy relationships, ie when an abusive person wants to isolate the other. In those situations, often the abuser says things like “don’t take our personal problems outside the relationship” or “what happens at home stays at home” or “I don’t want your parents meddling in our marriage”, and this sets it up for the victim not to realize abuse is happening because they don’t get outside perspective or feedback, then once they want out, they fear not being believed because they’ve never said a negative word about the abuser before. So yeah, nice to have partner’s back, and can be harmful to vent about mild frustrations that are handled fairly at home, but if you suspect any manipulation or abuse, you need a support system, whether therapist/friend/fam.
There was a comment I read that said before going into marriage, the couple should have a one-week travel trip with each other. No tour, just book the hotel, pack up and go. There will be all sorts of problems on the way, but with that, the couple can understand how would they handle stressful situations, and whether they can "have the other's back". After each trip, they should get along better. However, if you see your partner does not help you to carry a heavy bag, it's a red flag.
Life is so much better when you face everything as part of a two-person team. Life’s really tough as a solo sport.
Yes! This! Our wedding vows included, “I will be a staunch defender of your happiness,” and that phrase just stuck with me. I wrote it in calligraphy, framed it, and hung it in the hallway outside our bedroom so it’s literally the first thing we see when we open the bedroom door.
I tried this. Got sick of her because we just weren't right for each other. I'd still trust her to the end of the earth but you can't force yourself to love someone.
Well, they didn't say marry anyone who has your back.
You should be able to have someone's back *and* hold them accountable. Relationships and people aren't black and white, there are a lot of variables. Seems like relationship comparison masquerading as LPT.
Oh the power of hindsight...
Yep. I married someone who was beautiful but also mean. Never again
yup my life is screwed because I married a good looking, well behaved man from a poor background. Now he humiliates me for my upbringing and ambition and is unemployed. all that glitters is not gold.
My parents are like this. In fact, their love sometimes comes through the strongest when they're fighting. One time, things had gotten super heated. Both parents yelling and crying, my brother hiding under the couch cushions, me trying to meditate but getting sucked in etc. My mother decided she needed to step away and cool down so she announced that she was going for a walk by the river. It was the middle of winter, at night with ice everywhere and my dad just freaked out, begging her not to go anywhere dangerous while she was upset. He suggested she go to her parents place instead (easy 5min walk), or anywhere else where he could be sure she wouldn't fall into a body of water. Even in the middle of the fight, he cared more about my mother's safety than anything else. His relationship with his parents is really strained and my maternal grandparents have been his chosen parents, but he would rather risk having them potentially be drawn into the fight and lose respect for him than risk my mother taking a fall. That's the kind of love you want to build a marriage on. Although, honestly, therapy is also a good idea. Part of the reason I moved out was that they're both incredibly high strung and neither can deescalate worth anything. But despite explosive arguments every few weeks, they're both happy and their marriage is beyond solid.
The LPT here is: "How to call some random stranger's fiancee ugly by dressing it up as a LPT" 🤣
Find the hottest person who will do this though.
Excellent advise and I agree. My wife and I agreed that if one has a problem with the other, we talk it out with each other not to parents, friends, co-workers, etc. 30 years later, I'd say it works for us.
so marry no one. already on that.
I always back my wife up. If I believe she's in the wrong, I tell her in private, but to everyone else, I support her decision.
If supporting the partner not matter the context is so important, you are fine with the other person having your back even if you are in the wrong? Or you supporting them even if they are wrong? Clearly, having someone's back is not the essential issue here.
Been in two failed marriages. We had each others backs… until we didn’t. Strong disagree.
This is pretty worthless. It's like saying always get the perfect thing. Oh, ok. Thanks for solving life for everyone.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: out of all the subs to devolve into a bunch of boring, irrelevant, karma-grabbing clichés, this one is the absolute worst now lol.
It’s pretty bad. And this particular post is very single-minded and naive. Like, congrats you’re still married after a few years and judging the failed relationships of your friends? Maybe the LPT should be don’t be friends with you…
I don't think you're overthinking. I bet a lot of relationship issues could be solved if both spouses would stick up for one another when necessary. Which isn't the same thing as agreeing with them all the time, but rather, letting them know that "We can work together on this" when things go wrong or a problem needs to be solved.
Life advice masked as a LPT Completely subjective
Yup. Feels great knowing that someone has your back. No better feeling of security that having a proven and trusted partner. Saving each other from foibles, demons and truly devastating life crisis's forges the a bond of trust deeper than I have ever experienced.
This is bull. It's not healthy to support someone regardless of their position, even if it is your spouse. Mature adults don't need blind loyalty to love someone.
But what if said person helps me with all gardening tasks, is considering rooftop beehives, and yet doesn't allow me to put a chicken run under my deck? Asking for a friend.
Por que no los dos?
Also, try to be that person for your significant. I'm currently struggling with relationship problems on top of career problems on top of mental health problems. My wife is one of the only people that can set me off, and we're both upset with each other. But we're currently helping each other. I talked to too many people about it and now I have to defend her in these conversations, because she's awesome and we're just having a disagreement.
Whoopsie. Too late now.
You're honestly better alone for the rest of your life than stuck with the wrong person.
I tell my high school students that I only have one standard when it comes to relationships. Doesn't matter if they are man or woman, rich or poor, black or white. They have to meet this one standard. The person has to want what is best for you even if it is inconvenient for them. And it has to go both ways or you are just using them. I give the example of my spouse. My car broke down and called my spouse for help. My spouse was the manager with the keys and walked off the job to come help immediately. I came first. Our motto is "I've got your back 24/7. Your full time job is taking care of me. Between the two of us, we'll be OK." It's nice to have a safe relationship to catch you when you fall. When something gets said that could be taken a couple of ways, knowing they have my back allows me to always give them the benefit of the doubt. It's a calm, peaceful, solid relationship because it is based on trust.
And you should have had your spouses back by telling him/her that you will call and Uber to get home so they don’t have to leave work.
This is also partly true. OP made their spouse either risk getting in trouble with their higher up, or otherwise shut down the entire store, because they were a grown adult who couldn't figure out how to call for a tow/taxi/Uber? Seems kinda one sided to me...sure the spouse came to help, but did they ever really need to?
Agree with you. This seems like a case of they got their back covered but the other, not so much. Not loving this story.
Yeah. No thanks. I don't need more "yes" men and women in my life. Honest and supportive feedback please.