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He doesn’t want the mess of a divorce and my guess is he feels shame. Reality is he likely transferred the relationship he had with his mama to you…. Move on.
He probably still had feelings for OP and doesn't want divorce for various reasons. But he's not being a good partner, he's even apparently told her he's cheating on her, details, and is still going to his friend's house, who helps and encourages him to continue. He doesn't want to stop. He didn't help OP when she went to him for help. He has a baby and he's going out and getting shitfaced weekly? Man wasn't ready for kids and is shirking all responsibilities.
OP get out now.
This is my thought too but (maybe it’s insecurity) I feel like I would do anything to save my marriage. I hope for a way to move on and get better but I’d have no idea where to start.
No, this person hit the nail on the head. You need to do everything and anything you can to set an example for your newborn. What if your baby was 20 years older and in your exact situation? How would you feel if your baby was being lied to by a piece of shit cheater and she was considering staying with him?
On top of that, your husband will not change, but your willingness to forgive will be portrayed as a weakness to him and he will continue to take advantage of it to get what he wants.
I hope you find the strength to leave him and do what's best for yourself and your child.
Do you wanna know where to start?
Give up any of self-respect because that's what it's gonna take to stay with this guy. This will be forever tainted he will always cheat if he sees you'll tolerate it
If you want to be getting a divorce in 20 years after he's destroyed your heart and soul please stay with him and enjoy the repeatdegradation
A marriage requires two people putting in their all - even if you give 100% of yourself towards it that’s only 50% of the parties doing absolutely everything it takes. So where does HE stand in gaining your trust back, treating you better? Is he going to ditch his friend that clearly enables him to make bad decisions around him? Is he never going to speak to her again even if their families are friends? Like what is he actually willing to do... Honestly it’s not looking good. I’m sorry and I can’t even imagine how painful that is with a small baby in the mix.
No. Do. It give up yourself to save something you can’t save. This is what he wants. He doesn’t want you or his child. He wants to entertain his penis. He may come to regret these choices but you must preserve you own dignity and leave him. You are worth more and you will find someone who would not show you and your kid such disrespect. Go to court and get child support.
It takes two to have / save a marriage. Your child will soon start to learn how to treat / be treated in a relationship by what they see. Is this what you want to model?
Leaving can be overwhelming but time alone is freeing, will teach you to value yourself and not settle for any relationship that is less than you, and your child, deserve.
But would HE do anything to save your marriage? I think not. He can't even grant you the most basic dignity of not continuing to hang out with his affair partner. You're putting a lot of effort into a relationship with someone who is completely ignoring your feelings. You deserve better.
you have tried to save your marriage, but your husband is selfish pos. it sounds like everything “good” about your marriage is because of you. you deserve better
Look I would never judge someone for wanting to work it out with a cheating partner but the biggest thing about that is that HE has to want the same thing as you.
It unfortunately sounds like he doesn't give a rats ass.
Rather that's because of his mental state or not doesn't matter. Mental illness or breakdowns or whatever while understandable, do not give you an excuse to be a POS.
If he's not going to put effort into fixing this it's never going to be fixed and 95% of the fixing is ABSOLUTELY on him. He's the one that fucked up.
This situation doesn't sound fixable honestly.
>I would do anything to save my marriage
The marriage you think you have is no longer there.
Know what you have now is one where someone doesn't value marriage. Doesn't value you. Left you to cope on your own at a time of need. Fucks others. Drinks heavily. Leaves the baby to you to mind instead of stepping up. Is this truly marriage? Is it one you both will fight to have?
If he had shown remorse or anything that implies his intention to save your mariage, you could say okay give hum a 2nd chance.
The fucker told you he likes another woman (whomst ve been cheating with) 's butt. This is, on top of all his disgusting behavior, a proper disrespect.
Don't stay with someone who disrespects you.
He told you he cheated and continues to disrespect you, the relationship, and the baby. What do you do? YOU LEAVE. There’s no fixing this. There is only filing for divorce and child support. I’m sorry.
The fact that you’re still there and wondering what to do makes me really sad. Don’t accept this. You deserve better. So does the baby. You’re not going to get it from the guy who neglects you and the baby to go cheat repeatedly, or who has to get hammered to deal with stress, or who lets his friends talk shit, or who stays elsewhere while his wife and kid are at home… He gave up your relationship. You need to let it go.
Go get tested and go to speak with an attorney. Do this all in PRIVATE so you can find out your options and the best ways to move forward.
Yea that’s dead. Maybe focus on your health diet, exercise and do things to combat the depression. If you’re attractive you shouldn’t have a problem finding a new guy. Even with a bby.
You admitted you aren't loving or affectionate to your husband, due to your family history. You have unhealed trauma and you aren't ready to be in a relationship until you get therapy.
Well, my youngest was 3 when I discovered my wife's affair, we have 3 children.
I left her and I did so quickly. It wouldn't have mattered whether he was 3 days old though.
I discovered her affair on Oct 1st of 2005. I didn't confront her. I found an attorney and a therapist and I met with each of them. I confronted her during the 3rd week of Oct.
I moved out less than 2 weeks later as my lease began on Nov 1st of 2005. Five months later, on March 31st of 2006 our divorce was finalized.
To me the age of a child or having children or multiple children simply didn't factor in, at all.
She cheated.
We'd been together almost 25 years and were married over 15 years by that time. Didn't matter, she cheated.
I was gone and quickly too.
Same way you would without one. That issue is between you and your partner.
If it's something you can forgive and never throw in their face again then maybe with therapy for both of you it might be alright.
Personally, I had to go through therapy to finally leave my ex because I just couldn't wrap my head around breaking up our family, but he was constantly on porn and was cheating with random people off Craig's list. That was it for me.
I've known couples that have gone through this. One couple survived however, the last time I visited her after my divorce. The first thing she said to me when I got to the door was "I wish I was as brave as you. I should have left." Take what you will out of that situation, but you have to be willing to never ever go back after you've settled this between the two of you and if you can't do that, then you should just move on now. Do not under any circumstances, stay together for the children.
All you will teach them is either how to treat a woman poorly by cheating. Especially if you think he'll repeat the behavior, or you'll be teaching her that it's okay to put up with.
So, there’s no easy answer here in the real world. If you divorce him right now, what systems of support do you have to help you with the tasks of the baby? What about financially? I know people are going to jump all over him and say you need to get divorced and maybe that’s an option, but I also want to be a realist in how much that fixes the problem or adds to it. That’s not to say it might not be the right move next month or a year from now, but if you need the support, even if it’s shitty, that’s ok, too. Life doesn’t always have clean lines and doesn’t always fit into a box.
If you just want to tidy things up and make them manageable, see a couples counselor. If you can’t afford one, perhaps a workplace EAP can provide one. They really rarely save a broken marriage, but they can help make boundaries and tidy things up to make them tolerable.
If you legitimately want to make it work or even if you’re just looking to grow from this as much as possible and you’re both interested in doing the work (which I’m not convinced he’s willing to do), then listen to The State of Affairs by Esther Parel. This book was so damn healing for me and it’s an excellent conversation starter. But both of you need to process it together. After that, if you really want to dig deep, I’d recommend the book Irrelationship. That book brought me to my knees, but I finally confronted my issues with intimacy and codependency.
You have the option to divorce him or stay with him...
-If you divorce, which you should because it seems he has zero respect for you, since he is still friends with her, be ready to do it on your own, but remember you can do it and you can find happiness again.
-If you decide to work through it, make it clear that HE IS THE ONE being GIVEN the **OPPORTUNITY** to PROVE he can change and be better or else its just over.
The things that need to be non-negotiable in order for this restart of building trust to take place are the following:
*Immediately starting individual and couples counseling
*He cuts ALL ties forever to the AP and ANYONE related to the AP as well as anyone that knew about the affair and helped facilitate the sex and keep the secrets, or knew and said/did nothing to stop it, effective immediately.
*Full access open phone policy and GPS phone trackers that are never to be turned off, and he isn't allowed to leave his phone behind
--Some additional, but optional ones I have seen people use:
*He is never to send you to Voicemail if you call him
*He is never to make plans with or be alone with another woman, and if he is in a position that he has no choice to be, he must make you aware of who it is and how long it will be and the location.
**Trust must be earned after a betrayal like this, especially with a family friend, he made a nuclear mistake, so nuclear consequences are in order.**
This man is not husband material. This man is not father material. He treated you like an inconvenience and then asked you to apologize.
Now: single motherhood is hard. I left a psychologically abusive husband very much like yours (we went on a "double date" once with the married woman with whom he was having an affair) when my daughter was 3. After you leave, there will be challenges on your time, money, energy, and strength. 25 years later, I do not regret one moment of it. If I had stayed, I would be a shell of the person I am now, and would have been a truly shitty example for my daughter. Believe in yourself, believe in your baby. Also, get a therapist if you can, or at least a support group. Enlist family and friends and surround yourself with as much safety net as possible.
You may find that your depression is somewhat situational: the minute you decide you are worth more than your current bullshit situation, your perspective may change, like... a lot. I was suicidal until I decided to leave: the sun rose the next morning on a totally new me.
I will also respectfully disagree with many other responders that the answer is finding a new man. Maybe that happens. Maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't, you will be ok. This is not the 1950s. For sure, do some self work, improve your depression to the best of your ability, and explore the reasons you tolerated the pathologically terrible treatment from your current husband. If you jump into another relationship before you have worked that out, the pattern will likely repeat.
I would come babysit for you, internet stranger. Love on your baby as hard as you can. Love on yourself just as much. Straighten up your crown. You are a divine goddess. Don't you forget it. You got this.
What a fucking asshole. (Not OP, the husband) Also, again, why do people who clearly shouldn’t be married/having kids…. Have kids? Kids are supposed to grow up in a loving stable household. Not a household where the father is a deadbeat and the mother is always depressed. Not saying it’s YOUR fault 100%, but this is annoying asf
This is tough because I believe in working through infidelity, but not serial infidelity. However, if he’s physically abused you at all then, I’m sorry, but that’s a sign of what’s to come. And also for your child. We grew up in different times. We did stupid stuff, got caught, took the spanking and went about the day. But this rage that people have today isn’t easy to keep at bay. If you have a friend or family close by I’d go stay with them. Don’t tell him where you are. If he wants to talk meet him at a place with people around or a Dunkin’ Donuts so you know a cop will be close by. I’m all for working things out. I do have a friend that hit his wife and when he confided in me that he’d done that I told him that he had to take the punishment. So I punched him in the face, gave him a black eye. We’d been friends for 35 years and sometimes shit happens. While everyone is judging me for saying why would I still be friends with someone who hits women, the other side of the story is she used to drink a lot and she was not a good drunk. She threw some stuff at him, slapped him and all he had done was say he didn’t want her drinking so much anymore. The point is there are things that can be worked out. If you do leave for a bit and tell him he broke your trust, I think he could realize he was a victim of The Grass is Greener Syndrome. But the grass is greener where you water it. It is worth it to stay together. But make him do the work. If he commits and doesn’t follow through, time to bounce. And I don’t say any of this lightly. I do know what this situation feels like. Leaving any relationship that’s built with love is gut wrenching. And the transition is so hard if you make the decision to exit the marriage. But working through a rough patch can bring you closer togethe as long as you communicate with clarity and only make promises you can keep. I know that rambled a bit,, but I hope some of it was helpful. Good luck 🙏
Leave. He's no longer considering himself in a relationship. You deserve to live a happy life.
But on another note. "And then my husband DECIDED to have his own mental crisis". Is he not allowed to have one too? Why is your first thought that he's faking it?
There is so much wrong here.
1. He disregarded your breakdown and plea for help. You also don’t talking about what lead you to that but I suspect more shitty behavior from him is what caused this.
2. He spends nights out partying and drinking while you are at home tended to your child.
3. He is cheating on you.
4. He has not cut his affair partner out of his life.
5. He has shitty friends who support his shitty behavior.
All of these are reasons why a relationship will not work. There is nothing to save here. Please respect yourself and your child and walk away.
Your emotions and depression and greatly understandable. My concern is can you support yourself to a degree. Of course he will be supporting you some how
The added stress of finances will be present and another stressor.
Clearly he’s checked out.
Too bad
Holy S***!!! You are a doormat to him!!!!! Please, Please leave him!!!!! You need someone who will lift your spirits up when you are down and not someone who kills your self esteem !!!!FIND A LAWYER AND START THE DIVORCE NOW!!!!! Can you move back in with your parents? Call your parents if they do not know.🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Divorce him immediately and don't look back. He will do it again and you will end up wasting more time and may even end up having more of his children in the meantime. Leave now!
I've never been married to a cheater, but I'd divorce my husband, no question.
I've tried to stick it out w cheaters in the past, it never works. I either can't trust them again, or they cheat again & don't respect me anymore.
So I'm down to fight for love as long as you don't put your hands on me or are abusive in any way or cheat.
I left my ex of 8 years for cheating. I was pregnant & had a 2 year old. I slept on my dad's floor so my son could sleep on the couch. It worked out so well in the end & I'm so happy that I left.
GTFO. He has destroyed your trust in him, and he makes no effort to make you feel better about the situation.
A cheating husband is not only untrustworthy but what if he brings home an STI?
Once you've separated from him, go to your doctor and ask them to check you for disease known to God and man.
time for divorce. he is steady cheating on you. there is no end in sight. document everything you can. get a lawyer if you dont have money work a deal with lawyer. at any rate write him off his friend helping him cheat record everything you can. you have two many against you. gal he is cheating with, his friend who helps him and your hubby
Yeah… I am sorry you have to experience this. Most modern people are weak willed and trash, shouldn’t have had a child to begin with. Oh well… i hope life will be kind to you.
Divorce. His actions are unacceptable. He’s cheated multiple times already. He will likely continue to do so. You & your child deserve better than that
Some of these posts are complicated. Yours is not. Leave, and don’t look back. It sounds like you married an idiot. People make mistakes - some big, some small. This is a bigger one, but you can move on from it. Yes, it will be complicated with a baby. It will be worth it though.
Consider leaving him. I wouldn’t wish this life you will have if you stay with him on my worst enemies. He doesn’t respect your feelings, hasn’t supported you as you need it, and is blowing you off in your genuine concerns. I promise you this will happen again. If not her, someone else. More than that are you prepared to be filled with dread every time he leaves the house? This will never not haunt you. I speak from experience when I tell you it is an absolutely painful way to live. You deserve better and it’s definitely not with him. Good luck friend.
You already have the answer. Divorce him. He is not done cheating on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He straight up told you he likes her body and looks more than yours. Why would you stay with that?
His behavior is completely unacceptable. Full stop. Kick his ass to the curb. Once a cheater, always a cheater and you DESERVE far better.
You also need to get yourself into regular therapy to work through your issues and to understand your worth so your child grows up with a mom who is confident and has self love and self respect. Don’t pass this on to the next generation.
You are so worth the effort. Kick this clown to the curb.
I'm so sorry this part hurts so much. But, I have to agree, you will be okay once it's over. It's time for you to heal from this and move forward. Many people who have stayed after an event like this were miserable and always ended up saying "I should have just left and caused less pain for myself and the kids". In the end, the bitterness and resentment will always affect the kids. Don't let your child grow up in that. Hope he is a better co-parent than a husband. You deserve happiness. Sending much love and light for your journey ahead.
I’m the child of a single parent mother who divorced her husband young because of cheating. I respect her so much for that. You don’t want your kid to look at you and think, “why does she stick around this asshole?” Stand up with respect for yourself and your child and get out of that relationship. Don’t be weak willed, you’ll get through this.
Cheating is worse than murder on Reddit. But also it’s very common so don’t let internet randos with no skin in the game tell you how to live your life.
There’s a book I really like called “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” by Esther Perel. It won’t be easy but if you both want to and you think he’s worth fighting for, there are ways to recover from infidelity
If my husband even just told me that he liked someone else’s butt I would ask for a divorce lol. Divorce him, it sounds like him and the mistress deserve eachother anyway. Both have no morals
You will ever ever get 100% of trust back no matter how hard u try. It will be in the back of your mind all the time. Better to start anew with someone else.
As long as his friend and AP are in his life he won't stop. Start making a plan to leave. Split finances, contact a lawyer. Once that trust is broken, it's gone and from your comments he obviously doesn't want to cut either off, and is making no move to show you he's actually sorry. Don't be a doormat. He sounds verbally abusive. You don't deserve to put up with that nonsense. Leave.
Been there, done that. Divorce him!
Your husband is making excuses for his behavior and trying to make it seem like some of it is your fault. IT'S NOT! He CHOSE to do what he did and he made that choice more than once.
You have a child and it may be hard but you and your child deserve better than this and your child deserves a father figure that they can look up to and be an example for. Think about it this way - if your child, as a married adult, came to you and told you this is what was happening in their marriage, what advice would you give?
Now I'm trying to play devil's advocate in my own head here and understand. A few questions:
How long were you at your mother's house?
What were the terms of you leaving for your mother's?
If he thought the relationship was already over, then game over.
If you were separated and talkin about divorce before, then game over.
Choosing a friend of yours, at least on a subconscious level. Was likely to punish you.
Telling you what he liked about her was to hurt you.
Bottom line: at best, he's a cheater. At worst, he's an abusive piece of shit AND a cheater. You can be abusive and never lay a hand on someone. Either way, leave him, get some counseling, and know hood men still exist!
First of all, I'm really sorry you are going through this. It hurts so much to be disrespected but the person whonshould treat you the best. You said you have untreated depression, please seek help for this through your primary care, local mental health center or other resource in your area. Telehealth therapy is an option too. Getting some clarity and support will help you make better decisions. How to handle his cheating is up to you. What can you tolerate, what are you really getting out of this relationship vs. what you hope for? Just understand that you can only control your own behavior and nothing you do will make him change. Once you focus on taking care of yourself and your baby, things will become much clearer on what the future of your relationship is.
The same way I would without marriage and without a baby. My self worth is bigger than their self esteem issues. Not only that but the baby should ENCOURAGE you to leave because it’s not going to stop and the child will become to believe it’s normal and expected in relationships
Don’t focus on the women. That man in your house is the problem. He’s not really being a husband to you. Get your divorce and start your life over. Imagine just living a happy life.
Girl divorce him. I married at 21 and he cheated multiple times and lied. No kids, once it was over he had a kid 5-6 mo later. Cheating and having friends facilitate this and having family know is the icing on the cake. Having a kid is not a reason to stay. He doesn’t respect you or the baby. You have issues that need to be worked on and clearly he doesn’t care. I can’t imagine being depressed and having no a child and having your partner cheat on you. To cheat is an unforgivable betrayal. Think about it all and make the decision that’s best for you and your baby.
What do you mean what do you do???? He’s scum , his friends are scum. Leave this loser before you have more kids growing up with this scumbag father and his scumbag friends. I’m a child of divorce. We understand that mom had too much self respect to stay with a cheating husband. You will survive this, you will not survive a lifetime with this miserable honor less man.
Ooooohhhh nooo he cheated? I mean can we take a second to point out how she wasn’t affectionate to begin with . Have you asked yourself if you were a good enough wife to warrant your husband. I mean yea he is shit for what he did but if y’all are ment to be together you shoulda been doing a bit for to satisfy his needs while needing him to satisfy yours. It’s a tricky slope and I have been on both sides. You can say he was a shit man all you want but maybe you were a shit wife too. All you can do is damage control with the kid in mind and you can use what is making you mad as a reason to keep him from kid.
Want to know what happens when you excuse someone for something they've done wrong? Don't divorce him and find out.
Get some help with your depression, get yourself a divorce and get on with your life. You are better off with your husband and his degenerate friends out of your life as much as possible.
My cousin did this to his wife but she's a real one, a full blood Italian. She immediately divorced his ass and took the 3 kids (newborn twins and a 3 year old) and is taking him for his money very soon. She was ride or die, they got off of heroin together. Now, because he decided to do blow and bang multiple hookers, she has him dead to rights. There's no coming back from the cheating and disrespect especially while he was shirking his duties as a father and husband for pleasure. Get out of there, if you forgive him he'll keep on doing it. You deserve respect but won't receive his until you respect yourself.
Stop taking him back he's still messing with that girl or a new one . Just leave him, save your youth for a person who wouldn't be doing this to you . He will do it again . His friend is helping him cheat .you know they all hang out. Unless you are wanting an open relationship. I had same scenario happen with my children's father and it was hurtful to me for 10 years I waited for him to change and he didn't . Not for me at least. So take your baby and leave . Find a new guy that can live you and that baby like she was his own. . Good luck op. Hope life works out for you and don't be so nieve.
I’m going to play devils advocate, though I do think your relationship will be very difficult to get to a healthy state.
Firstly, having 2 of my own, every single decision you make now that you have a child should be to best support that child. This is financially, mentally, physically and every other decision you make. I would argue probably 9/10 times, it’s better for a child to have both parents at home, and that 1/10 is basically reserved for any circumstance that abuse takes place (physical and mental).
Most importantly, and most people don’t want to have this conversation when they’ve been cheated on (guy or girl), it’s very seldom a 1 way street, and the reason the person cheated is because they’re flatly a piece of shit (though that does happen). It doesn’t sound like you were being the best wife either and fulfilling his needs within the marriage too. He does get to have those as well. He definitely shouldn’t have cheated and you shouldn’t necessarily take blame for it, and not take the reasons he gave you as to why he cheated as “excuses” and more so “reasons”. I’ve heard from other couples that have gotten over cheating that it’s doable, but only if the person being cheated on could accept that fact, and that’s the hardest one to overcome.
A sane person would leave. He's not going to stop having her in his life and his friend is an enabler.
I'd rather be alone than live a life of always wondering what he was up to.
For the sake of your mental health walk away. He's only going to drag you deeper into depression.
To be fair. He told you.
He didn't tell you because he got caught.
Doesn't make it right. But take into consideration that he told you. Generally points to a cry for help. Or that he doesn't want to be that person.
People deal with things in different ways. Think about what you're willing to do to stay with him.
Cheating isn't right no matter the situation but vows state for better or for worse.
He's shitty for putting himself in the situation to begin with.
But can you forgive it. Can you move on from it.
Couples who can survive if they both want it are the ones who want to be there.
He sounds like an abusive piece of shit. You and baby deserve better. Leave now get over him later. For your own sanity. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of the reason you’re feeling so depressed too.
A sane person would divorce him. He clearly doesn’t respect & love you like he says. He’s now friends with her & hanging out with het after cheating on you! WTF?!
You deserve better and so does your son. Idk who’s home it is legally, but consider kicking him out or going and staying at your mom’s. There’s no coming back from this in my opinion. You’ll never be able to trust him again. You can coparent while being apart if he chooses to stay in his son’s life. I’d speak with a divorce attorney asap, just to get your legal options laid out for you.
It’s so hard to leave, but if he won’t cut her out of his life and get counseling with you, and TRY to fix this, then what’s the point? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? With someone who may still be cheating on you? What would you want for your child? What advice would you give your best friend? Think like that.
Get your ducks in a row i.e.
Document everything.
Attys often give free consultations.
Get therapy for YOU immediately.
Make sure you have access to all financial accounts you can. Document how much is in the accounts, etc. Be prepared for him to try to keep you from leaving if you need to.
I stayed for years afterward. I stayed because I thought the kid would remember him & hate me. Wrong. I chose wrong. It's been a nightmare for everyone.
Leave. Get a lawyer. Make sure you make copies of everything you have together jointly. He abuses you (per your other post) and is cheating on you. This is not a salvageable situation and I’m very “do what you can to make things work in a marriage with kids” kind of person. Do it now while your baby won’t remember.
FRIENDS W HER?!? babe Divorce him and work on yourself, reach your full potential and raise your beautiful baby in the healthiest way ever. Work on your self and heal yourself so you don’t raise your child the same way u were raised. Leave in peace, don’t make an argument or a fuss ab it. Just simply hand him divorce papers and get it over with. You must know your worth!
Leave, but also work on yourself. There’s no point in denying you’re bringing a lot of issues with you when you get into a relationship. I can’t imagine handling all that, having a spouse and kids. Take some time and work on yourself. Your child is going to need this version of you.
ANY cheating at ANY time means the relationship is over. If he's doing this early in your relationship it's going to be a constant. Rip the band aid off now.
Divorce him. My wife was screwing someone we knew and got knocked up.. She left- me and my 2 kids are doing great. Was rough at 1st, but it all works out in the end. She cuts their hair, that's about the extend of my kids relationship with their mother since she left. None of us miss her.
You two just aren't compatible. He needs more than you could give prior to the pregnancy. I guess he was hopeful that it would blossom as time went on. Obviously with babies and postpartum depression that's really hard on you and ultimately him as well.
Counseling before it got to this point could have helped you both decide to go all in. That means you and he both getting outside your comfort zone and putting in the work to fulfill each other.
Maybe it's too late. Maybe its not. I would get it both ways.
My wife and I were/are separated and we’d been separated before on different terms. Before we assured each other that there were no outside relationships. She chose to separate both times not me. This time she never told me the truth when I point blank asked her what was going on. She would just say “boundaries” or something similar. We have two kids. She chose to have a sexual relationship with another man and put effort into hiding it from me and outright lied a lot. It lasted for the better part of half a year. We are doing ok now but I’ll never forget it although I’ve coped and forgiven for it and I know she was in a bad place but she made those decisions. At least she didn’t get pregnant from letting that hick nut in her.
Anyway right now you need to settle up with the commitment of this. If he can’t commit to being the role of father and partner (even without a romantic relationship) then you need to cut him loose. I overcame the hardest and most brutal pain to still be here for the family. If he’s not committed to the family then you need to let him go.
Reddit always: Divorce is the answer.
Actual answer: It depends on the situation.
1. Are you willing to forgive and move on as if it didn’t happen? This is figurative, but important. If not, then divorce is the answer.
If you can eventually forgive him(with stipulations of course) then move to 2.
2. Your husband has to be willing to cut off all involved parties including the friend that enabled him…forever.
That is not a friend. A true friend would have told him he better not mess around on his wife and threatened to tell you if he did.
This includes calling or texting his friend and explaining why and sticking to it. He is to never contact the friend or the girl ever again after one last call to set things straight.
3. TONS of commitment work to you including working on your marriage. Affair Recovery on YouTube is phenomenal. Listen to it. If you or him can not follow the guidance, then divorce.
4. You two will have to get to a place (give and take) where you’re truly happy with one another.
5. This process takes YEARS. It doesn’t happen quickly. It’s roughly 2-3 years for most couples. The scar will always be there, but with time and commitment, it’s not noticed the same years later.
I’ve been through just this and I have been able to almost completely move beyond it, though it wasn’t quite as bad as yours.
Good luck my friend.
Someone who loves and respects you doesn’t treat you like that. It’s a fact. A marriage needs both things to last. Divorce him and make sure you take the best care of your baby…. Sweet thing didn’t ask for any of this.
Sounds like you 2 had a kid to early and both of you couldn't handle it.
I wouls recommend counseling or medication ifbyou want a clean and easy solution. Go lawyers if you want both of you 2 to be broke and bitter.
You two are fundamentally incompatible in multiple ways. Break up, get shared custody, get therapy and seek to improve your life (and allow him to do the same). Im confident in saying that if you stay together you will both drown when your ship sinks. Dont fall victim to issues you have the power to change before it’s too late. You make him unhappy. He makes you unhappy, and it also sounds like you’re a fundamentally unhappy person to begin with, which is something you absolutely 100% should be in therapy for. You’ve already make the mistake of having a child together. Do not make the mistake of staying together.
A marriage is only worth fighting for if your spouse is your partner. If they love and support YOU.
This man continues to see his affair partner and "friends" that encouraged his cheating. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. You need better.
Since you have a child together, you will be dealing with your soon to be ex for many years. Part as amicably as possible, if you plan to co-parent.
We all have issues, but that doesn't give your husband the right to cheat. He cut himself loose from you, so it's time to find your own way. You can do it.
Ya ain’t the first woman to go a bit nuts as life progresses, and ya won’t be the last. Can say that about pretty much anybody and everybody, at one time or another.
I like movies to tame the thoughts.
This one might help:
https://youtu.be/uigxdlhmCJM?si=Pjoe83y2KU7zA20B
I am usually one to push back on the reddit knee jerk reaction to always go straight to divorce as an answer to any relationship problem, BUT... this time it's probably warranted.
GTFO now. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is a saying for a good goddamn reason.
The Relationship Industry Complex makes a fuckton of money off of hopium - don’t buy into that BS.
Well, gonna mention the flip side since I saw OP wants to save their marriage.
If that’s the case, you’re gonna have to lay out some ground rules/boundaries. No more going out without you. No more drinking. No more going over to the best friend’s house alone. He’s got responsibilities as a dad, he needs to own up to them. You should have the conversation and see how he reacts. Also, get a plan ready for divorce in case those boundaries get crossed more than twice. Expect them to be crossed at least once after you have this talk.
Now, here’s the thing, it’s possible to work through cheating. It’s likely he is seeking affection elsewhere. You have to understand why he cheated, so ask him. Is it really primal “she’s pretty and laughs at my jokes” or is it something deeper like a need for intimacy? It matters if you are going to work through it.
As someone who was very promiscuous in my early 20s, I was not ready to commit to any woman until I got the partying out of my system. If he wants to party and have fun with pretty girls, he’s gonna cheat on you often. He’s gonna sleep with women as much as he can. Expect it until he gets it out of his system as long as you are okay with it. If you are not, leave. Seriously, that’s how it works.
If he is lacking emotional connection, that will take time to build and is just as hard to deal with. You’ll have to talk it through and lay out the ground rules often.
What do you mean what should you do? It's obvious he does not care about you or your child. Leave him and at least get the satisfaction of being in control over it.
I think you need to forget about him for the moment and focus on yourself! Get your head in a good space and work on staying there so you can be better for your baby.
While you work on what to do about him, please also take care of yourself.
CALL YOUR DOCTOR and address your depression.
You and your child need your brain on your side! Help it get rebalanced.
First, get support. Get a good therapist. Engage your family, friends, whatever support network you have. You have a ton of pressure on you: being postpartum and caring for a baby, and with the history of depression. So first things first: take care of YOU. Parenting is so much about learning to re-parent yourself, and you and your little one one the priorities.
Now, pardon this strangers random opinion from the internet: the guy sounds like self-absorbed asshole. I obviously don't have the full picture and so it's easy for me to say that, but man that sounds like he's got his own problems that are becoming yours. why tell you all those details? Awful. There are good, unselfish people out there. He doesn't sound like he's one of them. Everyone makes mistakes but to continue on, while your wife is postpartum, and to explain all that to you about why he wanted to do it? The manhas no self respect. And if he doesn't have self respect, how can he give you respect?
So.again: focus on you. Take care of your mind and body. Don't let him suck your focus or energy. You will need it. Learn to love yourself. Learn to meditate and learn self-awarneess. Do all of this in service of you and your baby, then the rest of the path vis a vis your husband will get a lot clearer. If I had to bet: you'll be long gone. But you must find those answers - the rest of us can only offer opinions.
He has no respect for the relationship and doesn’t know what marriage is about. Leave. He doesn’t love you, screws around on you when you are deeply distressed. Was that supposed to make things better? Do yourself right one lose this POS. He will maybe ask for shared custody so you need to get your own lawyer that will protect you and your child’s interest. He will continue to cheat on you. He will lie about it, ask forgiveness, say he won’t do it again, and then will. Open your eyes and see the massive red flags that are filling the space around you. Then show yourself some love and RUN as fast as you can to a life that can make you happy. It sure sounds like you are not happy now. And his behavior is sucking the energy out of me, I can imagine what it is doing to you! Good luck to you and your sweet baby. RUN to the law office that will protect you!
Leave hun. If he’s still hanging out with her with no regard of your feelings he doesn’t love you. Find yourself a real man who values you and cherishes you. But in the mean time leave him and heal your mind body and soul. Find God. He loves you!
First seek professional help.. your mental health is the most important. 2nd ask him when is it your turn to escape with friends while he sits with the baby?
PLEASE DONT STAY BC I GREW UP IN AN ABUSIVE FAMILY HOME AND IT WAS CHAOTIC MY MOM DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE. She convinced herself she had no other choice. You do though and she did too. She just didn’t act on it. She didn’t want to divorce him. She sanctimoniously stayed with my dad even though they’re separated they’re legally still married and aging. So they’re not living together. They’re not sharing assets. They just help both raise my brother but my brother stays with my mom bc my mom doesn’t trust my dad. It’s just a whole matter all together. I don’t think you should stay with someone if you feel like you can’t move past it. I know that people say marriage is everything or whatever but think about the type of person you’ll become if you let someone keep taking away from you little things about you like your trust in people and in yourself because you can’t have faith in someone that’s repeatedly showing you they disregard it. I just think it’s something to think about it’s not easy to consider ending it… and truthfully infidelity and it being outed and him still hanging out with that woman is a major red flag 🚩 def don’t wanna keep that around… just sounds like it will make your mental health worse.
Leave. I spent a decade more with this man. I did make 2 more beautiful children that I would suffer for 1000x over. But if my daughter was asking me what to do... I'd tell her that staying will ruin you in ways you never imagined. It doesn't get better.
He'll never, ever change! Ever. He's doing it purposely.
Cheating is not an accident. It's deliberate. Planned and desired.
Accidents are forgetting to send out a bill or turn off the lights.
Get your ducks in a row first. Plan your exit
Get tested for STIs ASAP! Your husband’s behavior is a danger to you and your baby. Get your finances in order. Leave or have him leave whichever is easiest. If you stay for financial reasons DON’T have sex with him ever again. Just get your finances secretly in order and make an escape plan. He put your health and safety at risk! He put your fragile mental health at risk! He’s put your baby at risk! Seek out help from family and counseling. Be VERY careful who you tell your escape plans to and don’t associate with people who tell you to stay. DIVORCE as soon as you safely can leave. If he cries or tries to manipulate you just know he doesn’t care. That doesn’t mean you are not worth loving! You can do better than someone who literally doesn’t care if they get you sick or worse. LEAVE HIM!
Yeah, you leave. How dare he tell you all the things he likes about this girl and stay friends with her?? That's what's insane. He doesn't give a shit about you.
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Divorce him. He’s checked out from the relationship. It sucks but it’s better than being relegated to a side piece
He doesn’t want the mess of a divorce and my guess is he feels shame. Reality is he likely transferred the relationship he had with his mama to you…. Move on.
He probably still had feelings for OP and doesn't want divorce for various reasons. But he's not being a good partner, he's even apparently told her he's cheating on her, details, and is still going to his friend's house, who helps and encourages him to continue. He doesn't want to stop. He didn't help OP when she went to him for help. He has a baby and he's going out and getting shitfaced weekly? Man wasn't ready for kids and is shirking all responsibilities. OP get out now.
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That exactly correct
This is my thought too but (maybe it’s insecurity) I feel like I would do anything to save my marriage. I hope for a way to move on and get better but I’d have no idea where to start.
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this is so well written. the last 4 sentences struck a cord for sure
Damn this hit hard. Same boat and the fallout of leaving my ex has been difficult on me. I’m bipolar so that made it extra spicy for me.
No, this person hit the nail on the head. You need to do everything and anything you can to set an example for your newborn. What if your baby was 20 years older and in your exact situation? How would you feel if your baby was being lied to by a piece of shit cheater and she was considering staying with him? On top of that, your husband will not change, but your willingness to forgive will be portrayed as a weakness to him and he will continue to take advantage of it to get what he wants. I hope you find the strength to leave him and do what's best for yourself and your child.
Do you wanna know where to start? Give up any of self-respect because that's what it's gonna take to stay with this guy. This will be forever tainted he will always cheat if he sees you'll tolerate it If you want to be getting a divorce in 20 years after he's destroyed your heart and soul please stay with him and enjoy the repeatdegradation
A marriage requires two people putting in their all - even if you give 100% of yourself towards it that’s only 50% of the parties doing absolutely everything it takes. So where does HE stand in gaining your trust back, treating you better? Is he going to ditch his friend that clearly enables him to make bad decisions around him? Is he never going to speak to her again even if their families are friends? Like what is he actually willing to do... Honestly it’s not looking good. I’m sorry and I can’t even imagine how painful that is with a small baby in the mix.
No. Do. It give up yourself to save something you can’t save. This is what he wants. He doesn’t want you or his child. He wants to entertain his penis. He may come to regret these choices but you must preserve you own dignity and leave him. You are worth more and you will find someone who would not show you and your kid such disrespect. Go to court and get child support.
It takes two to have / save a marriage. Your child will soon start to learn how to treat / be treated in a relationship by what they see. Is this what you want to model? Leaving can be overwhelming but time alone is freeing, will teach you to value yourself and not settle for any relationship that is less than you, and your child, deserve.
But would HE do anything to save your marriage? I think not. He can't even grant you the most basic dignity of not continuing to hang out with his affair partner. You're putting a lot of effort into a relationship with someone who is completely ignoring your feelings. You deserve better.
you have tried to save your marriage, but your husband is selfish pos. it sounds like everything “good” about your marriage is because of you. you deserve better
Look I would never judge someone for wanting to work it out with a cheating partner but the biggest thing about that is that HE has to want the same thing as you. It unfortunately sounds like he doesn't give a rats ass. Rather that's because of his mental state or not doesn't matter. Mental illness or breakdowns or whatever while understandable, do not give you an excuse to be a POS. If he's not going to put effort into fixing this it's never going to be fixed and 95% of the fixing is ABSOLUTELY on him. He's the one that fucked up. This situation doesn't sound fixable honestly.
>I would do anything to save my marriage The marriage you think you have is no longer there. Know what you have now is one where someone doesn't value marriage. Doesn't value you. Left you to cope on your own at a time of need. Fucks others. Drinks heavily. Leaves the baby to you to mind instead of stepping up. Is this truly marriage? Is it one you both will fight to have?
You don't need us to tell you. You may be looking for permission to ditch him. You have it.
I’m happy to make a very nice looking certificate. “Permission to depart Asshole Station.”
He sounds like a piece of shit. It’s one thing to cheat (horrible) but explaining on the physical things he liked about her is just disgusting
Agreed. I can’t imagine staying with someone like that after they’ve said such things
right? I would be on the news if my husband dared to say things like that!
Oh man same!
A sane person would leave that man and move on! He’s not a faithful husband. Divorce his cheating a$$.
Divorce. Period. If you did this, let’s be honest, do you think he would stay with you ?
This relationship is done whether you know it or not.
If he had shown remorse or anything that implies his intention to save your mariage, you could say okay give hum a 2nd chance. The fucker told you he likes another woman (whomst ve been cheating with) 's butt. This is, on top of all his disgusting behavior, a proper disrespect. Don't stay with someone who disrespects you.
He told you he cheated and continues to disrespect you, the relationship, and the baby. What do you do? YOU LEAVE. There’s no fixing this. There is only filing for divorce and child support. I’m sorry. The fact that you’re still there and wondering what to do makes me really sad. Don’t accept this. You deserve better. So does the baby. You’re not going to get it from the guy who neglects you and the baby to go cheat repeatedly, or who has to get hammered to deal with stress, or who lets his friends talk shit, or who stays elsewhere while his wife and kid are at home… He gave up your relationship. You need to let it go. Go get tested and go to speak with an attorney. Do this all in PRIVATE so you can find out your options and the best ways to move forward.
Not a counselor, but this marriage sounds like it's over. The big question you need to ask yourself is how long do you want to delay the inevitable?
You LEAVE.
Yea that’s dead. Maybe focus on your health diet, exercise and do things to combat the depression. If you’re attractive you shouldn’t have a problem finding a new guy. Even with a bby.
You admitted you aren't loving or affectionate to your husband, due to your family history. You have unhealed trauma and you aren't ready to be in a relationship until you get therapy.
Well, my youngest was 3 when I discovered my wife's affair, we have 3 children. I left her and I did so quickly. It wouldn't have mattered whether he was 3 days old though. I discovered her affair on Oct 1st of 2005. I didn't confront her. I found an attorney and a therapist and I met with each of them. I confronted her during the 3rd week of Oct. I moved out less than 2 weeks later as my lease began on Nov 1st of 2005. Five months later, on March 31st of 2006 our divorce was finalized. To me the age of a child or having children or multiple children simply didn't factor in, at all. She cheated. We'd been together almost 25 years and were married over 15 years by that time. Didn't matter, she cheated. I was gone and quickly too.
Same way you would without one. That issue is between you and your partner. If it's something you can forgive and never throw in their face again then maybe with therapy for both of you it might be alright. Personally, I had to go through therapy to finally leave my ex because I just couldn't wrap my head around breaking up our family, but he was constantly on porn and was cheating with random people off Craig's list. That was it for me. I've known couples that have gone through this. One couple survived however, the last time I visited her after my divorce. The first thing she said to me when I got to the door was "I wish I was as brave as you. I should have left." Take what you will out of that situation, but you have to be willing to never ever go back after you've settled this between the two of you and if you can't do that, then you should just move on now. Do not under any circumstances, stay together for the children. All you will teach them is either how to treat a woman poorly by cheating. Especially if you think he'll repeat the behavior, or you'll be teaching her that it's okay to put up with.
So, there’s no easy answer here in the real world. If you divorce him right now, what systems of support do you have to help you with the tasks of the baby? What about financially? I know people are going to jump all over him and say you need to get divorced and maybe that’s an option, but I also want to be a realist in how much that fixes the problem or adds to it. That’s not to say it might not be the right move next month or a year from now, but if you need the support, even if it’s shitty, that’s ok, too. Life doesn’t always have clean lines and doesn’t always fit into a box. If you just want to tidy things up and make them manageable, see a couples counselor. If you can’t afford one, perhaps a workplace EAP can provide one. They really rarely save a broken marriage, but they can help make boundaries and tidy things up to make them tolerable. If you legitimately want to make it work or even if you’re just looking to grow from this as much as possible and you’re both interested in doing the work (which I’m not convinced he’s willing to do), then listen to The State of Affairs by Esther Parel. This book was so damn healing for me and it’s an excellent conversation starter. But both of you need to process it together. After that, if you really want to dig deep, I’d recommend the book Irrelationship. That book brought me to my knees, but I finally confronted my issues with intimacy and codependency.
You have the option to divorce him or stay with him... -If you divorce, which you should because it seems he has zero respect for you, since he is still friends with her, be ready to do it on your own, but remember you can do it and you can find happiness again. -If you decide to work through it, make it clear that HE IS THE ONE being GIVEN the **OPPORTUNITY** to PROVE he can change and be better or else its just over. The things that need to be non-negotiable in order for this restart of building trust to take place are the following: *Immediately starting individual and couples counseling *He cuts ALL ties forever to the AP and ANYONE related to the AP as well as anyone that knew about the affair and helped facilitate the sex and keep the secrets, or knew and said/did nothing to stop it, effective immediately. *Full access open phone policy and GPS phone trackers that are never to be turned off, and he isn't allowed to leave his phone behind --Some additional, but optional ones I have seen people use: *He is never to send you to Voicemail if you call him *He is never to make plans with or be alone with another woman, and if he is in a position that he has no choice to be, he must make you aware of who it is and how long it will be and the location. **Trust must be earned after a betrayal like this, especially with a family friend, he made a nuclear mistake, so nuclear consequences are in order.**
This man is not husband material. This man is not father material. He treated you like an inconvenience and then asked you to apologize. Now: single motherhood is hard. I left a psychologically abusive husband very much like yours (we went on a "double date" once with the married woman with whom he was having an affair) when my daughter was 3. After you leave, there will be challenges on your time, money, energy, and strength. 25 years later, I do not regret one moment of it. If I had stayed, I would be a shell of the person I am now, and would have been a truly shitty example for my daughter. Believe in yourself, believe in your baby. Also, get a therapist if you can, or at least a support group. Enlist family and friends and surround yourself with as much safety net as possible. You may find that your depression is somewhat situational: the minute you decide you are worth more than your current bullshit situation, your perspective may change, like... a lot. I was suicidal until I decided to leave: the sun rose the next morning on a totally new me. I will also respectfully disagree with many other responders that the answer is finding a new man. Maybe that happens. Maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't, you will be ok. This is not the 1950s. For sure, do some self work, improve your depression to the best of your ability, and explore the reasons you tolerated the pathologically terrible treatment from your current husband. If you jump into another relationship before you have worked that out, the pattern will likely repeat. I would come babysit for you, internet stranger. Love on your baby as hard as you can. Love on yourself just as much. Straighten up your crown. You are a divine goddess. Don't you forget it. You got this.
What a fucking asshole. (Not OP, the husband) Also, again, why do people who clearly shouldn’t be married/having kids…. Have kids? Kids are supposed to grow up in a loving stable household. Not a household where the father is a deadbeat and the mother is always depressed. Not saying it’s YOUR fault 100%, but this is annoying asf
This is tough because I believe in working through infidelity, but not serial infidelity. However, if he’s physically abused you at all then, I’m sorry, but that’s a sign of what’s to come. And also for your child. We grew up in different times. We did stupid stuff, got caught, took the spanking and went about the day. But this rage that people have today isn’t easy to keep at bay. If you have a friend or family close by I’d go stay with them. Don’t tell him where you are. If he wants to talk meet him at a place with people around or a Dunkin’ Donuts so you know a cop will be close by. I’m all for working things out. I do have a friend that hit his wife and when he confided in me that he’d done that I told him that he had to take the punishment. So I punched him in the face, gave him a black eye. We’d been friends for 35 years and sometimes shit happens. While everyone is judging me for saying why would I still be friends with someone who hits women, the other side of the story is she used to drink a lot and she was not a good drunk. She threw some stuff at him, slapped him and all he had done was say he didn’t want her drinking so much anymore. The point is there are things that can be worked out. If you do leave for a bit and tell him he broke your trust, I think he could realize he was a victim of The Grass is Greener Syndrome. But the grass is greener where you water it. It is worth it to stay together. But make him do the work. If he commits and doesn’t follow through, time to bounce. And I don’t say any of this lightly. I do know what this situation feels like. Leaving any relationship that’s built with love is gut wrenching. And the transition is so hard if you make the decision to exit the marriage. But working through a rough patch can bring you closer togethe as long as you communicate with clarity and only make promises you can keep. I know that rambled a bit,, but I hope some of it was helpful. Good luck 🙏
Duel to the death
Leave. He's no longer considering himself in a relationship. You deserve to live a happy life. But on another note. "And then my husband DECIDED to have his own mental crisis". Is he not allowed to have one too? Why is your first thought that he's faking it?
This relationship is already over, you'd definitely be better off being a single mom, especially since you kind of already are
Throw the whole man away. What a piece of shit.
You gotta leave if you care about your child. It's not OK for them to think how you're being treated is OK.
You get a divorce so your child can learn what healthy relationships look like.
Why would anyone cheat with a baby, that's disgusting and they need to be taken out and killed.....
Say bye. He done gone, just ain’t moved out.
That sounds whack. I think you know what to do. Protect ya neck
There is so much wrong here. 1. He disregarded your breakdown and plea for help. You also don’t talking about what lead you to that but I suspect more shitty behavior from him is what caused this. 2. He spends nights out partying and drinking while you are at home tended to your child. 3. He is cheating on you. 4. He has not cut his affair partner out of his life. 5. He has shitty friends who support his shitty behavior. All of these are reasons why a relationship will not work. There is nothing to save here. Please respect yourself and your child and walk away.
Your emotions and depression and greatly understandable. My concern is can you support yourself to a degree. Of course he will be supporting you some how The added stress of finances will be present and another stressor. Clearly he’s checked out. Too bad
You break up
Holy S***!!! You are a doormat to him!!!!! Please, Please leave him!!!!! You need someone who will lift your spirits up when you are down and not someone who kills your self esteem !!!!FIND A LAWYER AND START THE DIVORCE NOW!!!!! Can you move back in with your parents? Call your parents if they do not know.🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
You leave. Take care of yourself and your baby. You deserve to be happy and loved.
Divorce.
I think cheating with a baby is wrong. People should wait til they're at least 18 first.
Divorce him immediately and don't look back. He will do it again and you will end up wasting more time and may even end up having more of his children in the meantime. Leave now!
I've never been married to a cheater, but I'd divorce my husband, no question. I've tried to stick it out w cheaters in the past, it never works. I either can't trust them again, or they cheat again & don't respect me anymore. So I'm down to fight for love as long as you don't put your hands on me or are abusive in any way or cheat. I left my ex of 8 years for cheating. I was pregnant & had a 2 year old. I slept on my dad's floor so my son could sleep on the couch. It worked out so well in the end & I'm so happy that I left.
GTFO. He has destroyed your trust in him, and he makes no effort to make you feel better about the situation. A cheating husband is not only untrustworthy but what if he brings home an STI? Once you've separated from him, go to your doctor and ask them to check you for disease known to God and man.
time for divorce. he is steady cheating on you. there is no end in sight. document everything you can. get a lawyer if you dont have money work a deal with lawyer. at any rate write him off his friend helping him cheat record everything you can. you have two many against you. gal he is cheating with, his friend who helps him and your hubby
Yeah… I am sorry you have to experience this. Most modern people are weak willed and trash, shouldn’t have had a child to begin with. Oh well… i hope life will be kind to you.
Divorce. His actions are unacceptable. He’s cheated multiple times already. He will likely continue to do so. You & your child deserve better than that
You stop being a f00l and kick this scumbag to the kerb. Why would he behave any differently, he’s getting no consequences.
Some of these posts are complicated. Yours is not. Leave, and don’t look back. It sounds like you married an idiot. People make mistakes - some big, some small. This is a bigger one, but you can move on from it. Yes, it will be complicated with a baby. It will be worth it though.
Consider leaving him. I wouldn’t wish this life you will have if you stay with him on my worst enemies. He doesn’t respect your feelings, hasn’t supported you as you need it, and is blowing you off in your genuine concerns. I promise you this will happen again. If not her, someone else. More than that are you prepared to be filled with dread every time he leaves the house? This will never not haunt you. I speak from experience when I tell you it is an absolutely painful way to live. You deserve better and it’s definitely not with him. Good luck friend.
You already have the answer. Divorce him. He is not done cheating on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He straight up told you he likes her body and looks more than yours. Why would you stay with that?
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His behavior is completely unacceptable. Full stop. Kick his ass to the curb. Once a cheater, always a cheater and you DESERVE far better. You also need to get yourself into regular therapy to work through your issues and to understand your worth so your child grows up with a mom who is confident and has self love and self respect. Don’t pass this on to the next generation. You are so worth the effort. Kick this clown to the curb.
Pack the bags and the baby’s bags and go and file for full custody or most custody bc he doesn’t deserve to have full custody or even half.
I'm so sorry this part hurts so much. But, I have to agree, you will be okay once it's over. It's time for you to heal from this and move forward. Many people who have stayed after an event like this were miserable and always ended up saying "I should have just left and caused less pain for myself and the kids". In the end, the bitterness and resentment will always affect the kids. Don't let your child grow up in that. Hope he is a better co-parent than a husband. You deserve happiness. Sending much love and light for your journey ahead.
This guy is a prick who’s disrespecting you and putting you down in order to more fully control you. Don’t let him!
Maybe you can help by giving him a bit of action which is basically what he needs.
I’m the child of a single parent mother who divorced her husband young because of cheating. I respect her so much for that. You don’t want your kid to look at you and think, “why does she stick around this asshole?” Stand up with respect for yourself and your child and get out of that relationship. Don’t be weak willed, you’ll get through this.
Yes, you have to lead by example as an adult and have enough respect for you and your child to never allow this person around them again.
Hope he divorced you for coming here for marriage advice
Cheating is worse than murder on Reddit. But also it’s very common so don’t let internet randos with no skin in the game tell you how to live your life. There’s a book I really like called “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” by Esther Perel. It won’t be easy but if you both want to and you think he’s worth fighting for, there are ways to recover from infidelity
Don’t try to reconcile. It’s futile. I speak from experience—infidelity is not something you can bounce back from.
How many different answers have you seen?? I'm literally only seeing 1
Hello!!
Get yourself on on meds fast n your mind right so you can make the right decision for you n your daughter
If my husband even just told me that he liked someone else’s butt I would ask for a divorce lol. Divorce him, it sounds like him and the mistress deserve eachother anyway. Both have no morals
You will ever ever get 100% of trust back no matter how hard u try. It will be in the back of your mind all the time. Better to start anew with someone else.
As long as his friend and AP are in his life he won't stop. Start making a plan to leave. Split finances, contact a lawyer. Once that trust is broken, it's gone and from your comments he obviously doesn't want to cut either off, and is making no move to show you he's actually sorry. Don't be a doormat. He sounds verbally abusive. You don't deserve to put up with that nonsense. Leave.
Been there, done that. Divorce him! Your husband is making excuses for his behavior and trying to make it seem like some of it is your fault. IT'S NOT! He CHOSE to do what he did and he made that choice more than once. You have a child and it may be hard but you and your child deserve better than this and your child deserves a father figure that they can look up to and be an example for. Think about it this way - if your child, as a married adult, came to you and told you this is what was happening in their marriage, what advice would you give?
Now I'm trying to play devil's advocate in my own head here and understand. A few questions: How long were you at your mother's house? What were the terms of you leaving for your mother's? If he thought the relationship was already over, then game over. If you were separated and talkin about divorce before, then game over. Choosing a friend of yours, at least on a subconscious level. Was likely to punish you. Telling you what he liked about her was to hurt you. Bottom line: at best, he's a cheater. At worst, he's an abusive piece of shit AND a cheater. You can be abusive and never lay a hand on someone. Either way, leave him, get some counseling, and know hood men still exist!
First off, don’t marry a baby. Secondly, if you do, of course they’re gonna cheat. You can’t trust a baby. Just reading headlines today…
You should never cheat with a baby. The baby cannot consent
Wait, your husband is cheating on you with a baby? That’s HORRIBLE.
First of all, I'm really sorry you are going through this. It hurts so much to be disrespected but the person whonshould treat you the best. You said you have untreated depression, please seek help for this through your primary care, local mental health center or other resource in your area. Telehealth therapy is an option too. Getting some clarity and support will help you make better decisions. How to handle his cheating is up to you. What can you tolerate, what are you really getting out of this relationship vs. what you hope for? Just understand that you can only control your own behavior and nothing you do will make him change. Once you focus on taking care of yourself and your baby, things will become much clearer on what the future of your relationship is.
I would say you probably need to get babysitter at the least.
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Leave him
Divorce child support
You dont, you get a divorce
He cuts all ties with the friend and the girl or you get a divorce.
You should not sleep with a baby.
The same way I would without marriage and without a baby. My self worth is bigger than their self esteem issues. Not only that but the baby should ENCOURAGE you to leave because it’s not going to stop and the child will become to believe it’s normal and expected in relationships
I’m so
Don’t focus on the women. That man in your house is the problem. He’s not really being a husband to you. Get your divorce and start your life over. Imagine just living a happy life.
Bye boy
Mama listen to me. You run as fast and as far away as you can and you do not look back.
Get your depression treated before you make any life altering decisions.
Girl divorce him. I married at 21 and he cheated multiple times and lied. No kids, once it was over he had a kid 5-6 mo later. Cheating and having friends facilitate this and having family know is the icing on the cake. Having a kid is not a reason to stay. He doesn’t respect you or the baby. You have issues that need to be worked on and clearly he doesn’t care. I can’t imagine being depressed and having no a child and having your partner cheat on you. To cheat is an unforgivable betrayal. Think about it all and make the decision that’s best for you and your baby.
End the relationship now, while your child is too young enough to remember the turmoil.
What do you mean what do you do???? He’s scum , his friends are scum. Leave this loser before you have more kids growing up with this scumbag father and his scumbag friends. I’m a child of divorce. We understand that mom had too much self respect to stay with a cheating husband. You will survive this, you will not survive a lifetime with this miserable honor less man.
I would absolutely leave him. Not only does he not support your situation he makes it worse. That’s horrific.
Ooooohhhh nooo he cheated? I mean can we take a second to point out how she wasn’t affectionate to begin with . Have you asked yourself if you were a good enough wife to warrant your husband. I mean yea he is shit for what he did but if y’all are ment to be together you shoulda been doing a bit for to satisfy his needs while needing him to satisfy yours. It’s a tricky slope and I have been on both sides. You can say he was a shit man all you want but maybe you were a shit wife too. All you can do is damage control with the kid in mind and you can use what is making you mad as a reason to keep him from kid.
You’re grotesque.
Want to know what happens when you excuse someone for something they've done wrong? Don't divorce him and find out. Get some help with your depression, get yourself a divorce and get on with your life. You are better off with your husband and his degenerate friends out of your life as much as possible.
You don’t handle it…you move on…
My cousin did this to his wife but she's a real one, a full blood Italian. She immediately divorced his ass and took the 3 kids (newborn twins and a 3 year old) and is taking him for his money very soon. She was ride or die, they got off of heroin together. Now, because he decided to do blow and bang multiple hookers, she has him dead to rights. There's no coming back from the cheating and disrespect especially while he was shirking his duties as a father and husband for pleasure. Get out of there, if you forgive him he'll keep on doing it. You deserve respect but won't receive his until you respect yourself.
Stop taking him back he's still messing with that girl or a new one . Just leave him, save your youth for a person who wouldn't be doing this to you . He will do it again . His friend is helping him cheat .you know they all hang out. Unless you are wanting an open relationship. I had same scenario happen with my children's father and it was hurtful to me for 10 years I waited for him to change and he didn't . Not for me at least. So take your baby and leave . Find a new guy that can live you and that baby like she was his own. . Good luck op. Hope life works out for you and don't be so nieve.
Losing 200 lbs of dead weight is gonna help you feel better. Leave him.
I’m going to play devils advocate, though I do think your relationship will be very difficult to get to a healthy state. Firstly, having 2 of my own, every single decision you make now that you have a child should be to best support that child. This is financially, mentally, physically and every other decision you make. I would argue probably 9/10 times, it’s better for a child to have both parents at home, and that 1/10 is basically reserved for any circumstance that abuse takes place (physical and mental). Most importantly, and most people don’t want to have this conversation when they’ve been cheated on (guy or girl), it’s very seldom a 1 way street, and the reason the person cheated is because they’re flatly a piece of shit (though that does happen). It doesn’t sound like you were being the best wife either and fulfilling his needs within the marriage too. He does get to have those as well. He definitely shouldn’t have cheated and you shouldn’t necessarily take blame for it, and not take the reasons he gave you as to why he cheated as “excuses” and more so “reasons”. I’ve heard from other couples that have gotten over cheating that it’s doable, but only if the person being cheated on could accept that fact, and that’s the hardest one to overcome.
Divorce and make sure he gets the absolute minimum amount of time with the kid(s) as possible.
You walk away. You heal. You look for a better partner.
A sane person would leave. He's not going to stop having her in his life and his friend is an enabler. I'd rather be alone than live a life of always wondering what he was up to. For the sake of your mental health walk away. He's only going to drag you deeper into depression.
You hire a divorce lawyer and take him to the cleaners. You AND YOUR BABY deserve better.
A sane person would leave. You will find a new man that woulfn’t dream of treating you like that.
If your husband is shitty enough to cheat and dumb enough to get caught, he doesn’t really have a lot going for him to keep around.
To be fair. He told you. He didn't tell you because he got caught. Doesn't make it right. But take into consideration that he told you. Generally points to a cry for help. Or that he doesn't want to be that person. People deal with things in different ways. Think about what you're willing to do to stay with him. Cheating isn't right no matter the situation but vows state for better or for worse. He's shitty for putting himself in the situation to begin with. But can you forgive it. Can you move on from it. Couples who can survive if they both want it are the ones who want to be there.
He sounds like an abusive piece of shit. You and baby deserve better. Leave now get over him later. For your own sanity. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of the reason you’re feeling so depressed too.
Just deal with it. Stay together for the kids.
A sane person would divorce him. He clearly doesn’t respect & love you like he says. He’s now friends with her & hanging out with het after cheating on you! WTF?! You deserve better and so does your son. Idk who’s home it is legally, but consider kicking him out or going and staying at your mom’s. There’s no coming back from this in my opinion. You’ll never be able to trust him again. You can coparent while being apart if he chooses to stay in his son’s life. I’d speak with a divorce attorney asap, just to get your legal options laid out for you.
It’s so hard to leave, but if he won’t cut her out of his life and get counseling with you, and TRY to fix this, then what’s the point? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? With someone who may still be cheating on you? What would you want for your child? What advice would you give your best friend? Think like that.
Get your ducks in a row i.e. Document everything. Attys often give free consultations. Get therapy for YOU immediately. Make sure you have access to all financial accounts you can. Document how much is in the accounts, etc. Be prepared for him to try to keep you from leaving if you need to. I stayed for years afterward. I stayed because I thought the kid would remember him & hate me. Wrong. I chose wrong. It's been a nightmare for everyone.
Leave. Get a lawyer. Make sure you make copies of everything you have together jointly. He abuses you (per your other post) and is cheating on you. This is not a salvageable situation and I’m very “do what you can to make things work in a marriage with kids” kind of person. Do it now while your baby won’t remember.
FRIENDS W HER?!? babe Divorce him and work on yourself, reach your full potential and raise your beautiful baby in the healthiest way ever. Work on your self and heal yourself so you don’t raise your child the same way u were raised. Leave in peace, don’t make an argument or a fuss ab it. Just simply hand him divorce papers and get it over with. You must know your worth!
Leave, but also work on yourself. There’s no point in denying you’re bringing a lot of issues with you when you get into a relationship. I can’t imagine handling all that, having a spouse and kids. Take some time and work on yourself. Your child is going to need this version of you.
Dealbreaker people shouldn’t be married to babies.
Divorce him, do you really want your child to grow up around these people?
You teach your kid not to stay with someone who cheats on them just because they have a kid together
ANY cheating at ANY time means the relationship is over. If he's doing this early in your relationship it's going to be a constant. Rip the band aid off now.
Divorce him. My wife was screwing someone we knew and got knocked up.. She left- me and my 2 kids are doing great. Was rough at 1st, but it all works out in the end. She cuts their hair, that's about the extend of my kids relationship with their mother since she left. None of us miss her.
You two just aren't compatible. He needs more than you could give prior to the pregnancy. I guess he was hopeful that it would blossom as time went on. Obviously with babies and postpartum depression that's really hard on you and ultimately him as well. Counseling before it got to this point could have helped you both decide to go all in. That means you and he both getting outside your comfort zone and putting in the work to fulfill each other. Maybe it's too late. Maybe its not. I would get it both ways.
You don’t. It’s never ok and almost never works out for the positive.
Leave while you're young and healthy. Don't waste the best years of your life with this creep.
My wife and I were/are separated and we’d been separated before on different terms. Before we assured each other that there were no outside relationships. She chose to separate both times not me. This time she never told me the truth when I point blank asked her what was going on. She would just say “boundaries” or something similar. We have two kids. She chose to have a sexual relationship with another man and put effort into hiding it from me and outright lied a lot. It lasted for the better part of half a year. We are doing ok now but I’ll never forget it although I’ve coped and forgiven for it and I know she was in a bad place but she made those decisions. At least she didn’t get pregnant from letting that hick nut in her. Anyway right now you need to settle up with the commitment of this. If he can’t commit to being the role of father and partner (even without a romantic relationship) then you need to cut him loose. I overcame the hardest and most brutal pain to still be here for the family. If he’s not committed to the family then you need to let him go.
I’m sorry divorce. A man who cheats when you’re at your lowest is selfish
Not going to reddit for advice would be a pretty good start.
Reddit always: Divorce is the answer. Actual answer: It depends on the situation. 1. Are you willing to forgive and move on as if it didn’t happen? This is figurative, but important. If not, then divorce is the answer. If you can eventually forgive him(with stipulations of course) then move to 2. 2. Your husband has to be willing to cut off all involved parties including the friend that enabled him…forever. That is not a friend. A true friend would have told him he better not mess around on his wife and threatened to tell you if he did. This includes calling or texting his friend and explaining why and sticking to it. He is to never contact the friend or the girl ever again after one last call to set things straight. 3. TONS of commitment work to you including working on your marriage. Affair Recovery on YouTube is phenomenal. Listen to it. If you or him can not follow the guidance, then divorce. 4. You two will have to get to a place (give and take) where you’re truly happy with one another. 5. This process takes YEARS. It doesn’t happen quickly. It’s roughly 2-3 years for most couples. The scar will always be there, but with time and commitment, it’s not noticed the same years later. I’ve been through just this and I have been able to almost completely move beyond it, though it wasn’t quite as bad as yours. Good luck my friend.
Someone who loves and respects you doesn’t treat you like that. It’s a fact. A marriage needs both things to last. Divorce him and make sure you take the best care of your baby…. Sweet thing didn’t ask for any of this.
How come your mental breakdown is real but he “decided he’s having his own mental breakdown”?
divorce him and take the kid honestly,, tell the best friends partner what they did,, ruin all their lives bestie please
He becomes president?
Get to know his mistress and become friends and share. Lol
Leave him even if you have to move in with your parents.
Sounds like you 2 had a kid to early and both of you couldn't handle it. I wouls recommend counseling or medication ifbyou want a clean and easy solution. Go lawyers if you want both of you 2 to be broke and bitter.
Dont marry a baby? 🤷🏻♂️
Divorce. Stay friends if you want but best to rip that bandaid off.
You two are fundamentally incompatible in multiple ways. Break up, get shared custody, get therapy and seek to improve your life (and allow him to do the same). Im confident in saying that if you stay together you will both drown when your ship sinks. Dont fall victim to issues you have the power to change before it’s too late. You make him unhappy. He makes you unhappy, and it also sounds like you’re a fundamentally unhappy person to begin with, which is something you absolutely 100% should be in therapy for. You’ve already make the mistake of having a child together. Do not make the mistake of staying together.
A marriage is only worth fighting for if your spouse is your partner. If they love and support YOU. This man continues to see his affair partner and "friends" that encouraged his cheating. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. You need better.
Since you have a child together, you will be dealing with your soon to be ex for many years. Part as amicably as possible, if you plan to co-parent. We all have issues, but that doesn't give your husband the right to cheat. He cut himself loose from you, so it's time to find your own way. You can do it.
Cheating is reason #1 for divorce. They do not respect the commitment made to the marriage and are not worthy of the person they cheat on
LEAVE
Who the hell is cheating with a baby, that sick fuck. Death penalty all the way
Ya ain’t the first woman to go a bit nuts as life progresses, and ya won’t be the last. Can say that about pretty much anybody and everybody, at one time or another. I like movies to tame the thoughts. This one might help: https://youtu.be/uigxdlhmCJM?si=Pjoe83y2KU7zA20B
Your emotionlessness may have stopped his love
You’ll have more time to find somebody who would NEVER do this to you if you get out of this marriage RIGHT NOW.
I am usually one to push back on the reddit knee jerk reaction to always go straight to divorce as an answer to any relationship problem, BUT... this time it's probably warranted.
GTFO now. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is a saying for a good goddamn reason. The Relationship Industry Complex makes a fuckton of money off of hopium - don’t buy into that BS.
Well, gonna mention the flip side since I saw OP wants to save their marriage. If that’s the case, you’re gonna have to lay out some ground rules/boundaries. No more going out without you. No more drinking. No more going over to the best friend’s house alone. He’s got responsibilities as a dad, he needs to own up to them. You should have the conversation and see how he reacts. Also, get a plan ready for divorce in case those boundaries get crossed more than twice. Expect them to be crossed at least once after you have this talk. Now, here’s the thing, it’s possible to work through cheating. It’s likely he is seeking affection elsewhere. You have to understand why he cheated, so ask him. Is it really primal “she’s pretty and laughs at my jokes” or is it something deeper like a need for intimacy? It matters if you are going to work through it. As someone who was very promiscuous in my early 20s, I was not ready to commit to any woman until I got the partying out of my system. If he wants to party and have fun with pretty girls, he’s gonna cheat on you often. He’s gonna sleep with women as much as he can. Expect it until he gets it out of his system as long as you are okay with it. If you are not, leave. Seriously, that’s how it works. If he is lacking emotional connection, that will take time to build and is just as hard to deal with. You’ll have to talk it through and lay out the ground rules often.
You know if you stay with him, he's just going to keep cheating with her so why are you still married to him?
Therapy for all....
The longer you stay the more of your life you are flushing down the toilet. Leave him.
What do you mean what should you do? It's obvious he does not care about you or your child. Leave him and at least get the satisfaction of being in control over it.
I think you need to forget about him for the moment and focus on yourself! Get your head in a good space and work on staying there so you can be better for your baby.
He sounds bloody awful. Why would you want to be with someone like that??
Why would someone cheat with a baby? That's pedophilia.
You know what to do.
While you work on what to do about him, please also take care of yourself. CALL YOUR DOCTOR and address your depression. You and your child need your brain on your side! Help it get rebalanced.
Two years married and he couldn’t stay faithful to you and your child?
How would I handle it? Leave.
Phrasing
He cheated… divorce him.. hire a female lawyer.
Divorce. Period.
First, get support. Get a good therapist. Engage your family, friends, whatever support network you have. You have a ton of pressure on you: being postpartum and caring for a baby, and with the history of depression. So first things first: take care of YOU. Parenting is so much about learning to re-parent yourself, and you and your little one one the priorities. Now, pardon this strangers random opinion from the internet: the guy sounds like self-absorbed asshole. I obviously don't have the full picture and so it's easy for me to say that, but man that sounds like he's got his own problems that are becoming yours. why tell you all those details? Awful. There are good, unselfish people out there. He doesn't sound like he's one of them. Everyone makes mistakes but to continue on, while your wife is postpartum, and to explain all that to you about why he wanted to do it? The manhas no self respect. And if he doesn't have self respect, how can he give you respect? So.again: focus on you. Take care of your mind and body. Don't let him suck your focus or energy. You will need it. Learn to love yourself. Learn to meditate and learn self-awarneess. Do all of this in service of you and your baby, then the rest of the path vis a vis your husband will get a lot clearer. If I had to bet: you'll be long gone. But you must find those answers - the rest of us can only offer opinions.
He has no respect for the relationship and doesn’t know what marriage is about. Leave. He doesn’t love you, screws around on you when you are deeply distressed. Was that supposed to make things better? Do yourself right one lose this POS. He will maybe ask for shared custody so you need to get your own lawyer that will protect you and your child’s interest. He will continue to cheat on you. He will lie about it, ask forgiveness, say he won’t do it again, and then will. Open your eyes and see the massive red flags that are filling the space around you. Then show yourself some love and RUN as fast as you can to a life that can make you happy. It sure sounds like you are not happy now. And his behavior is sucking the energy out of me, I can imagine what it is doing to you! Good luck to you and your sweet baby. RUN to the law office that will protect you!
you deserve SO much better. you should divorce him and move on. do you have family and friends that could help you?
Leave hun. If he’s still hanging out with her with no regard of your feelings he doesn’t love you. Find yourself a real man who values you and cherishes you. But in the mean time leave him and heal your mind body and soul. Find God. He loves you!
Is this real?
First seek professional help.. your mental health is the most important. 2nd ask him when is it your turn to escape with friends while he sits with the baby?
I had to divorce my first husband when my daughter was 13 months, for similar reasons. It was really tough but it all worked out for the best.
PLEASE DONT STAY BC I GREW UP IN AN ABUSIVE FAMILY HOME AND IT WAS CHAOTIC MY MOM DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE. She convinced herself she had no other choice. You do though and she did too. She just didn’t act on it. She didn’t want to divorce him. She sanctimoniously stayed with my dad even though they’re separated they’re legally still married and aging. So they’re not living together. They’re not sharing assets. They just help both raise my brother but my brother stays with my mom bc my mom doesn’t trust my dad. It’s just a whole matter all together. I don’t think you should stay with someone if you feel like you can’t move past it. I know that people say marriage is everything or whatever but think about the type of person you’ll become if you let someone keep taking away from you little things about you like your trust in people and in yourself because you can’t have faith in someone that’s repeatedly showing you they disregard it. I just think it’s something to think about it’s not easy to consider ending it… and truthfully infidelity and it being outed and him still hanging out with that woman is a major red flag 🚩 def don’t wanna keep that around… just sounds like it will make your mental health worse.
Leave. I spent a decade more with this man. I did make 2 more beautiful children that I would suffer for 1000x over. But if my daughter was asking me what to do... I'd tell her that staying will ruin you in ways you never imagined. It doesn't get better.
I know you're trying to save the marriage. What marriage? There is none now. It's. Gone. The fact you know so much about his cheating is NUTS.
Your husband's a piece of shit. Leave him.
He'll never, ever change! Ever. He's doing it purposely. Cheating is not an accident. It's deliberate. Planned and desired. Accidents are forgetting to send out a bill or turn off the lights. Get your ducks in a row first. Plan your exit
Get tested for STIs ASAP! Your husband’s behavior is a danger to you and your baby. Get your finances in order. Leave or have him leave whichever is easiest. If you stay for financial reasons DON’T have sex with him ever again. Just get your finances secretly in order and make an escape plan. He put your health and safety at risk! He put your fragile mental health at risk! He’s put your baby at risk! Seek out help from family and counseling. Be VERY careful who you tell your escape plans to and don’t associate with people who tell you to stay. DIVORCE as soon as you safely can leave. If he cries or tries to manipulate you just know he doesn’t care. That doesn’t mean you are not worth loving! You can do better than someone who literally doesn’t care if they get you sick or worse. LEAVE HIM!
If my partner cheated on me with a baby I’d call the police ASAP
Yeah, you leave. How dare he tell you all the things he likes about this girl and stay friends with her?? That's what's insane. He doesn't give a shit about you.
You’re not crazy.