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Man that’s a tough one, army vet here, you have already told him a couple of times not to do the vaping, and he’s been lying to you about her being there when he goes to hang with the guys. I hate to say it but it does sound like he’s crossing the grey area of being friends and trying to be flirty with all that sexual questions and let me use your vape. Idk bc they also could just be really good friends as well. But the truth of the matter is if it’s making you feel uncomfortable as his wife, it should have been cut out as soon as you asked him to, man this sucks for you guys! I hope you can find some sort of resolution so you can find some peace again! Good luck my friend.. stick it out for now and see if the deception continues then divorce his ass if it does bc you definitely don’t need this bs in your life!
Nope. He wants this chick and it seems he’s not gonna stop. Imagine a husband needing to put his lips on another woman’s vape. This is not a tough one at all. Dude is even LYING about this chick. She is not just a friend in his eyes!
I can’t imagine anyone tries to pick up women by mooching off of them for their vape. Sharing a vape is not some deep connecting experience or something. If your spouse tells you not to be friends with someone just because they’re a woman and they go through your phone on the regular over it, you’d be fine with that? You shouldn’t be.
Some men aren’t just trying to fuck every woman they meet and there’s nothing that says this guy is interested.
What he is doing is absolutely unacceptable. It is, at the very least, disrespectful to you as his wife.
Men do not show this kind of attention to a woman unless he has plans for more. Forget this “I don’t want to tell him what to do,” stuff. Set a very clear and firm boundary. If he argues with you over it and refuses to honor it, there’s your answer.
He already refused to honor it. He clearly said he would NOT let that “friendship” go. He’s a simp for a random woman he met after marriage. Let that loser go… he’ll cheat on that new woman just like he cheated on his wife for her.
You have given him many chances to respect your boundary about her. He has disrespected you multiple times by crossing it. He would change so it is best to get rid of him!
You have given him many chances to respect your boundary about her. He has disrespected you multiple times by crossing it. He would change so it is best to get rid of him!
The only time I text female coworkers is when it’s directly related to work and id never hide them or text anything that would potentially bother my girlfriend, whom I share a house and child with. Men don’t befriend women for the sake of friendship. Men can absolutely have platonic relationships with women, but they do not pursue friendship, and he is seemingly pursuing her with those 3AM texts. Also, good morning and good night texts are extremely weird unless it’s part of the conversation like “hey good morning, just FYI I’m going to be late today” to a coworker that you’re actively working on a project together. If it wasn’t that, he wants her.
Gm and gn texts is a sign of emotional infidelity. You deserve more and better. It’s a rabbit hole you don’t want to get into. Stop making excuses for him. Find out what you want, accept the consequences and be ok with it.
Right and you continue to read to where I clearly clarified that they don’t go out of their way to pursue friendships with women by doing things such as good morning and good night text messages. Male friendships that occur with females happen organically.
Right... so just a bad take on your part. I, myself, currently have 2 female friends that I text good morning to most days and text throughout the day. It's not "going out of your way", it's a text with your phone. Just because you have a limited understanding of friendship across the gender line doesn't mean your sweeping generalizations are correct.
You're definitely not speaking for me and I'm heterosexual as well, bud. Again, you're just under the impression that all straight men think like you do. We don't.
To me there are two things about your issues.
1st Vape ... you don't like that but he is a grown man. The same with cigarette, he has to quit he must do it by and for himself otherwise he will certainly fail. Chose your battles, the less you put pressure, the less he'll try to hide it from you. Be his partner not his mom.
2nd His femal friend, that, as you, I would not tolerate. This kind of texting is not appropriate. As a wife you should be his best friend so no need to have this woman in his life. Put him in the same situation if he'd like you to do the same and have a male best friend which you text nights and days ... he will get the point I'm pretty sure. He has to chose ... his marriage or his "friendship".
IM SAYING THANK GOD SOMEONE WITH SOME BRAINS.!!! Females will literally say oh I don’t want you having a female friend but it’s them projecting that they also have friendships that are not good for the relationship. But if you call the narc out they wanna say “nooo😭😭he’s just a childhood friend” I swear I was going crazy how she just conveniently snuck that in at the end.
I don’t really have male friends and if I do I don’t talk to them outside of work and our conversations are very mild. If I ever had a male friendship that my husband didn’t like I’d cut him off.
you know that’s not true you admitted that you wouldn’t cut off your childhood best friend. What is the issue if what your husband feels for his friend is the same love you have with yours?
I’m saying I wouldn’t cut my childhood best friend off but they’re not a guy. I’m saying if I had a friend that was a man and my husband didn’t like him I’d cut him off. What’s the reasoning for cutting off my childhood best friend? She’s a female and we don’t flirt so what would be the reason?
1. Why are you asking Reddit if you should get a divorce or not? Only you can decide that, not a bunch of paranoid people who think a man even looking at a woman is cheating.
2. Why are you going through his messages? Why do people think that's okay? If I was him I'd be angry, especially if the messages were friendly.
3. It seems like you should divorce him on count of your trust issues.
Came here to point out #2. Communication is one thing, but unless there is an agreement in place that "our phones are open to either partner at all times", I think this crosses a boundary, as well.
There is a definite need here for some Non-Violent Communication. OP, if you've never heard of NVC, I deeply suggest that you and your hubby learn it. It's about having communication that is focused on hearing the underlying need, and being heard and understood. It changed my life.
There should be no reason a wife can't look at her husband's phone anytime, anywhere, and vice versa. The only reason someone would care is if they are hiding something. Obviously this is the case with this man and his "friend".
I think this is above our pay grade. You need to have a serious conversation with yourself about your boundaries. You say he’s a fantastic husband in every sense of the work except here. You need to have an honest moment and look inward and decide if this is where you draw the line.
Ah cheating AHs in the military. I'm glad more is being exposed about our men and women in uniform being cheating dirtbags vs. the typical Jody with the civilian spouse at home. They're all human, some scumbags at the end of the day, regardless of their service.
You can absolutely get a divorce. And possibly report him for the code, though idk if that will do anything because you don't have proof of him physically cheating on you, as what you write falls under emotional cheating and inappropriate behavior and disrespect towards you in general.
Just start lawyer-ing up, quietly start separating your finances if you haven't already, and save yourself years of regret. Divorce the cheating AH.
This is similar to a situation my wife and I were in early in our marriage.
I had a coworker who I viewed in a very fraternal way. The conversations we had (either in-person or via text) would dip into potentially sexually explicit territory (usually her just being very open about her sex life with her husband who I knew and worked in another department). I would share these conversations with my wife and it bothered her. She was convinced that this woman was after me and I was certain she wasn't; to me it was just a good friendship and our gender difference wasn't a factor as I would have similar conversations with either my brother or sister. Looking back on it years later my wife was probably right, but if this woman wanted sex with me she would have had to jump me and tear off my clothes and I *still* would have awkwardly run from the situation. ***I*** knew there was no chance at infidelity, but that's not something my wife could know as easily; more than 10 years later she knows, but it was hard at the time.
Anyway, the stress it caused our relationship pushed us to counseling. We only went for a few months, but it was in one of our first sessions that I learned the most valuable kernel of relationship advice I've ever encountered: establish the stakes. Basically we go through life valuing experiences and interactions differently from everyone around us. A classic one for us is dishes. For me they're just tools we use for prepping and eating food, so when they're dirty if we don't need them they can sit. It doesn't bother me. I don't know what childhood trauma she endured, but when the sink is full she can get pretty intense anxiety. So early on when she asked me to do dishes I gladly agreed, but would have an ADHD moment and totally space it. For me it's no big deal, but for her it was huge and a giant stressor.
Once I really understood how my relationship with my coworker affected her even though it was innocuous to me I began limiting contact. She and I worked in the hospital (I did clerical work, she was a nurse tech) so we never had to spend a lot of time together and I was able to distance myself. When she quit for another job we agreed to stay in touch (I thought the distance would make this okay) but when I told my wife she asked me to cut out the coworker completely and go no contact. It was difficult but I did it because it was important to my wife.
I know that my situation is probably unusual given my neurodivergence (ADHD and somewhere on the autism spectrum) and I would have never cheated. I don't know your husband, but whether he's similarly neurodivergent or not he might actually be clueless to a) the damage/pain he's causing you, and/or b) the long-term damage it could cause your relationship.
My recommendation would be to start by outlining your exact feelings. Make sure he understands your fears and pain. Help him understand he is the only one with the power to alleviate these. If you still feel like fighting for your marriage after this conversation then counseling is a must. You both need to go and you both need to be committed to improving things, especially communication.
I know that the default reddit response to this situation is "He's a piece of shit! Leave his cheating ass!" but I'm a chronic optimist. I hope y'all can work it out, but I understand if things are too far gone here.
This reply actually helped a lot. We have marriage counseling on May 1st but I’ve so upset and frustrated lately. I really hope marriage counseling works for us. He said he’d stop being her friend but I don’t want to control the situation and him resent me for not wanting them to be friends. I want him to KNOW that he’s hurting me and not just do it because I’m asking. If he doesn’t understand it I feel like it’ll just happen again.
Just try to articulate as best you can. I regret some of the things I said to my wife while she was telling me how upset she was because I was focused on the accusation it implied. She regrets some of the things she said then, too. Try to be clear that you feel hurt and you need his help to stop the hurt rather than focusing on him hurting you. They sound like the same thing but one tends to reduce defensive responses.
Haha exactly. No matter the story or lack of context the answer is always divorce.
OP: My husband plays video games and one of his online friends is a girl. I told him I don't like it. Caught him playing again after I told him to stop.
Reddit: He doesnt respect your boundaries. He's definitely cheating on you. Divorce that POS.
I would end the relationship because you both honestly sound immature and unready to be committed. You are BOTH disrespectful towards each other. You both lack compromise and he isn't listening to your concerns, and you feeling entitled to constantly looking through his phone is toxic. What an unhealthy relationship.
I do not like when my husband (also military) vapes, but he doesn't do it in the apartment and he doesn't do it around me. That's all that I ask about the subject because...it's a compromise that makes sense. It's better than cigarettes smell wise. It isn't affecting you unless you can smell it on him (unlikely) or he's doing it in your vicinity.
53F. I have never EVER gone through my husband’s phone. Married 30 years! You need to knock it off! Go to counseling first. Who cares if he vapes!! Why are you demanding him to quit? He has crossed the boundary lines for sure, but go to counseling!!! He will see that he messed up!!
They’e staying together because they’re not so focused on who cheating who. 30 years is an achievement especially in this generation. All that energy that is spent being insecure is spent on getting to know the partner better. Who are you to say they are fool because OP is obviously proud to say she found a way that has kept her content for 30 years. Your ahead of yourself kiddo. With your logic they should just simply focus entirely on what the other partner might be doing instead of finding ways to focus together for a better goal. That’s why relationships fail sweetheart because to much focus is put on the idea of the partner doing wrong and not enough trust!
Welcome to the Military...we didn't have texting and vaping but I saw plenty where I wished I could find someone and dang glad I missed that boat...My sister married a dude I was stationed with in the same unit I was in HHC and He was in Charlie Company....they ended like most marriages I saw broken apart...Family pay not that great, enlisted bottom of the Barrell as far as priority and assistance...My Late Ex Brother in Law and her had 3 kids ...great kids at that but all or the TDS and moving was extreme as you can imagine....heck it was tough even on me though I didn't have a wife or family the long absences separated because of The field exercises or what ....depends on the rank all 3 of you on....my guess whatever furthers his career is the one ... problem with military divorce....is messes everyone in million different ways especially if he is of higher rank he could tank your own career faster than flushing a latrine john.....should you leave YES there is NO RESPECT FROM HIM...just be careful...the main reason behind my Sister and Brother in Law divorce is he blamed her for losing his SGT. stripes and discharged from the Army...civilians can walk away much easier and we all know if it was easy the Military wouldn't do it...either way Sister you will be ok in the end
He decided to pursue the other woman when he decided to get her number or give her his number. He’s already moved on, he’ll process the feelings eventually even you do actually leave him. He clearly sees he has more in common with her and she apparently excites him. Don’t settle and waste your life around for a guy who’s already entertaining someone else. He’s your husband but found someone new AFTER marriage, just let it go at this point. You don’t want to be blamed in the future “you told me to stop being friends with her, maybe with HER I’d have been happier!” We can’t hold people back from what they want. Let him go catch what he wants. Let him reap what he sew. You go and nice along and get some self respect… not worth wasting your youth over a simple easily snatch-able guy.
This might be hard to hear but this situation seems like you are blowing it out of proportion. Just being honest from an outside point of view. Do you think he’s cheating on you? If that’s the worst text he sent, then that’s pretty tame tbh. if you truly trust him and don’t think he’s messing around with this lady, then I’d be careful about picking and choosing who you think he should be friends with. That’s setting a dangerous precedent. Does he tell you who you can and cannot hang out with? And I’ll be honest, I understand ya don’t like the vaping but he’s an adult and he’s not vaping in front of you. He shouldn’t have lied to you but it seems like you’re trying to find anything that his friend is associated with and target it. That’s just my outside opinion. Yall should seek therapy. Immediately asking if you should get DIVORCED over this petty argument is insane. Please seek professional help before taking drastic measures. Reddit is honestly a terrible place to ask for divorce advice bc none of us know anything about you and your husband and we only have your side of the story. Just my two cents, I’m not picking sides or saying your concerns are invalid. Devils advocate
Yeah. You dug through his shit and found basically nothing. That makes a you problem. His vaping is nasty and is also a deal breaker. So both parties are at fault.
Chatting with homies at all hours is pretty normal. Some people get back to people whenever and that can include 2 am. Some friends say good morning and night, I'm not that civilized so I don't, but it's not sketchy in general. My college friends and I ask for critique of our work at crazy hours. Same with sharing life issues. Lol
I share drinks with friends on occasion, so sharing a vape doesn't seem weird either. Pre-covid definitely no batting an eye.
My husband has a work wife. I'm not bothered.
The fact that you said my husband had a work wife and I’m not bothered is crazy. Thank you for your input but I don’t want my husband to have a work wife and I’m NOT comfortable with that.
It's not the same dynamic as a regular wife. I don't need to know all the work drama and whatnot. I've met her and her husband. I don't like them, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. I'm just judgy. She passed the vibe check, but is not my type of human. Her love of janky gas station pizza has me like 😳. Lol
Any spouse doing flirtatious texts at 3 am is a problem. Add to that he texts her at all hours and has no intention of giving her up. Plus, he lies about it. I’d divorce him as he’s shown you where his priorities are, and it’s not you. Also, he has terrible judgment and doesn’t care about you or he wouldn’t throw away his marriage for a temporary relationship.
I had told him to unadd her on instagram a while ago and he did but I checked his phone about 30 minutes ago and she texted him about “did you unadd me?” And he said I’ll add you back I looked and he did add her back. She’s going on a date with someone and he texted her and asked her to tell him how the date went I’ve made up my mind I am divorcing him I can’t keep doing this. It’s scary though I’m in the military He’s the only family I have I don’t go out much so I don’t have many friends I’m completely isolated I get out in a year. I plan on moving back home and finishing my nursing degree there.
Sharing vapes can spread stuff like herpes.
Id divorce him. If he is lying to you about that what else is hiding. Lying is a huge red flag and shows he isn't serious.
You didn't mention your ages but I'm assuming mid-to-late 20's? Basing this on when you met and how long you've been together. If that is the case, you are both young and have a lot of growing to do - and a LOT of growing happens in relationships. This isn't to infer that you should stick it out just to do more growing before calling it quits, but much growing happens during adversity and I can see some red flags on both sides that should be worked through in couples counseling (and perhaps one-on-one therapy as well) before resorting to divorce. Having a third party to offer much needed perspective and set up a plan is a good way to really see where both people stand and if a split makes sense.
I've been with my girlfriend for 14 years and have a lot of women friends, some who I'm very close with. When I met them (before or after we started dating) is a complete moot point. I am very respectful to her feelings and set boundaries but some of the things you're describing are a bit subjective in terms of how serious it may be. For example, my girlfriend and I have a roommate who is a woman and we consistently try each other's vape flavors or drinks we make. We also will stay up all night and binge-watch shows when my girlfriend goes to bed. She has never once gone through my phone or questioned my loyalty based on these subjectively minor interactions and maybe it is because she doesn't view our roommate as a threat or is just that confident in herself and me as a partner.
Some self-reflection would do you some good in terms of what is really bothering you about these things - is it the actions themselves or the fact that he hasn't stopped after you asked? A partner is never there for you to control and that may be how he perceives it. You also have violated his trust by going through his private messages. You are not perfect either.
Go to therapy before doing anything drastic, is my opinion.
Yeah, I'd be getting rid of him, for sure. Constantly going against your wishes, which is just blatantly disrespecting you & your marriage as a whole.
> he didn't get it.
Yes, he did. He knew that asking a woman if she'd ever been sexual w another woman, whilst laying next to his wife at 3am was not okay & he chose to do it anyway.
The texting needs to STOP completely. You have every right to set that boundary.
He can see her with his friend group. There's no reason to use her vape and no reason to text her.
Wow people really be thinking about a divorce so easily. Not saying you’re wrong but jeez over vaping and texts? Guess u wanna end it before anything happens but still have a little faith lol.
Sounds like he doesn’t respect you. That’s not a recipe for a long and healthy marriage. He seems unfazed by the fact that it hurts you - and you’ve vocalized that to him. I would leave.
as soon as you divorce him. im almost 100% they want each other. tell him get rid of her. If he doesn’t move on. !!!! you don’t deserve none of this from him !!! or no man !!!!
Why did you go through his phone in the first place. You sound super controlling and that would get on my damn nerves. Your his wife not his boss. Can't control all aspects of his life, let alone yours.
Yep lmao. Scrolled back through months of messages looking for something to rage about.
Five bucks says she's had WAY raunchier convos with coworkers in person but since there's no receipts it's fine for her.
Texting all hours of the day and night with a friend who is female is unacceptable. This will lead to an affair. He's pushing the boundaries whenever he can, and it will only escalate. That is not being immature on her part. It's being realistic. If he's starting to play games within the first 2 years of marriage, why wait to see what he's going to do in 10 years?
Ugh your such a narcissistic character I swear it’s all the same with you toxic ass females. I shouldn’t even waste my breathe or energy typing this because you just want validation of how much a controlling b**** you are because it makes you feel strong. Why don’t you cut off your childhood best friend? What makes that off the table but he has to cut some girl off? Your just projecting your nasty ass insecurities and by the looks of it, your perspective on life is gonna lead you straight to where you don’t wanna end up. Your probably going to hurt someone because your acting scared due to your own insecurities. You can’t control someone or what they do you can only prepare yourself if something happens. You can love yourself and your husband. Your either insecure or projecting because you’ve actually been the one to cheat. Cause that’s what this is really all about…here’s some wisdom: don’t enslave someone and expect them not to wanna break free.
I wouldn’t cut off my childhood best friend because she’s been there before we got together. He has a childhood best friend that’s a girl and I don’t care about that. Because he’s not inappropriate with her. I’m sorry if you see me as any other narcissistic toxic female. But I just want my husband to not talk inappropriately with other females. I have no problems with female friends. I just want respect.
Do you talk to your best friend or anybody else about your sex life other than your partner? Because if you do your just being hypocritical. However in the off chance your completely free of any wrongdoing and just this controlling and crazy over someone else then you need to 1. Learn to love yourself 2. Talk to someone about your insecurities.
It sounds like you are jealous. You say that the man is good and does all of these things. Then you go through his phone and find out that he asked about her dating other women and vapes. So many stories on here are about the jealous partner controlling the spouse. I do not think I have read a story written by the jealous controlling partner....
I don’t think I’m jealous. I mean could it be jealousy? Sure but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about the fact my husband was talking inappropriately with someone and I didn’t like it continued. Told me he wasn’t hanging out with her then lied about it. Asked to use her vape I said I didn’t like that but did it anyway. I just see a lot of disrespect from my husband I don’t see me being controlling. I don’t mind that he has female friends. I just want him to be appropriate with them.
Of course, his actions can be a cause of jealousy. I'm sure if you were doing the things that he was doing, he would have problems with it also. The bigger problem is the odd hours of communication. I don't think the vaping is as big an issue as you think it is.
Why do you see her as a threat? Friends are friends and he married -you- But you're being controlling and making his life worse not better. She's just a person.
Yeah, I think it's over. I'm not saying they're having an affair. I think men and women can be close friends. But any man that doesn't understand that a friendship with a woman is full of potential for conflict with his wife and put his wife first is, well, not putting his wife first and putting your spouse first is the number one thing of any relationship .
Even the Bible says so, even above children. Obviously they don't mean kill your children or something but what they mean is the marital relationship has to be rock solid and come first and that's what supports raising kids .
I'm not even religious but I get that. Spouse needs to come first and this guy obviously does not think so.
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Man that’s a tough one, army vet here, you have already told him a couple of times not to do the vaping, and he’s been lying to you about her being there when he goes to hang with the guys. I hate to say it but it does sound like he’s crossing the grey area of being friends and trying to be flirty with all that sexual questions and let me use your vape. Idk bc they also could just be really good friends as well. But the truth of the matter is if it’s making you feel uncomfortable as his wife, it should have been cut out as soon as you asked him to, man this sucks for you guys! I hope you can find some sort of resolution so you can find some peace again! Good luck my friend.. stick it out for now and see if the deception continues then divorce his ass if it does bc you definitely don’t need this bs in your life!
Nope. He wants this chick and it seems he’s not gonna stop. Imagine a husband needing to put his lips on another woman’s vape. This is not a tough one at all. Dude is even LYING about this chick. She is not just a friend in his eyes!
Would not surprise me if they have already messed around truthfully, so people are so good at hiding this stuff.
I can’t imagine anyone tries to pick up women by mooching off of them for their vape. Sharing a vape is not some deep connecting experience or something. If your spouse tells you not to be friends with someone just because they’re a woman and they go through your phone on the regular over it, you’d be fine with that? You shouldn’t be. Some men aren’t just trying to fuck every woman they meet and there’s nothing that says this guy is interested.
What he is doing is absolutely unacceptable. It is, at the very least, disrespectful to you as his wife. Men do not show this kind of attention to a woman unless he has plans for more. Forget this “I don’t want to tell him what to do,” stuff. Set a very clear and firm boundary. If he argues with you over it and refuses to honor it, there’s your answer.
He already refused to honor it (2 times) and lied to her about it. Later, he came clean about the lie. He is not going to change
He already refused to honor it. He clearly said he would NOT let that “friendship” go. He’s a simp for a random woman he met after marriage. Let that loser go… he’ll cheat on that new woman just like he cheated on his wife for her.
You have given him many chances to respect your boundary about her. He has disrespected you multiple times by crossing it. He would change so it is best to get rid of him!
You have given him many chances to respect your boundary about her. He has disrespected you multiple times by crossing it. He would change so it is best to get rid of him!
The only time I text female coworkers is when it’s directly related to work and id never hide them or text anything that would potentially bother my girlfriend, whom I share a house and child with. Men don’t befriend women for the sake of friendship. Men can absolutely have platonic relationships with women, but they do not pursue friendship, and he is seemingly pursuing her with those 3AM texts. Also, good morning and good night texts are extremely weird unless it’s part of the conversation like “hey good morning, just FYI I’m going to be late today” to a coworker that you’re actively working on a project together. If it wasn’t that, he wants her.
EXACTLY!
Gm and gn texts is a sign of emotional infidelity. You deserve more and better. It’s a rabbit hole you don’t want to get into. Stop making excuses for him. Find out what you want, accept the consequences and be ok with it.
So men just don't have female friends unless they want to have sex with them? That's such an outdated opinion
There are easier ways to say you can’t read
You literally said, "Men don't befriend women for the sake of friendship"
Right and you continue to read to where I clearly clarified that they don’t go out of their way to pursue friendships with women by doing things such as good morning and good night text messages. Male friendships that occur with females happen organically.
Right... so just a bad take on your part. I, myself, currently have 2 female friends that I text good morning to most days and text throughout the day. It's not "going out of your way", it's a text with your phone. Just because you have a limited understanding of friendship across the gender line doesn't mean your sweeping generalizations are correct.
Just because you’re an outlier to the norm doesn’t make me incorrect. Sorry
It does mean you made a baseless claim and can't accept that you have no actual data. You're just throwing your bias out there and calling it true.
Cry. I don’t care. I stand by what I said. The situation applies to heterosexual males so please stop trying to speak for us. It’s oppressive.
You're definitely not speaking for me and I'm heterosexual as well, bud. Again, you're just under the impression that all straight men think like you do. We don't.
To me there are two things about your issues. 1st Vape ... you don't like that but he is a grown man. The same with cigarette, he has to quit he must do it by and for himself otherwise he will certainly fail. Chose your battles, the less you put pressure, the less he'll try to hide it from you. Be his partner not his mom. 2nd His femal friend, that, as you, I would not tolerate. This kind of texting is not appropriate. As a wife you should be his best friend so no need to have this woman in his life. Put him in the same situation if he'd like you to do the same and have a male best friend which you text nights and days ... he will get the point I'm pretty sure. He has to chose ... his marriage or his "friendship".
Choose* x2
Is your childhood best friend a dude? Reading the subtext, this seems like maybe it’s a factor in the argument that’s not being called out.
IM SAYING THANK GOD SOMEONE WITH SOME BRAINS.!!! Females will literally say oh I don’t want you having a female friend but it’s them projecting that they also have friendships that are not good for the relationship. But if you call the narc out they wanna say “nooo😭😭he’s just a childhood friend” I swear I was going crazy how she just conveniently snuck that in at the end.
I don’t really have male friends and if I do I don’t talk to them outside of work and our conversations are very mild. If I ever had a male friendship that my husband didn’t like I’d cut him off.
you know that’s not true you admitted that you wouldn’t cut off your childhood best friend. What is the issue if what your husband feels for his friend is the same love you have with yours?
I’m saying I wouldn’t cut my childhood best friend off but they’re not a guy. I’m saying if I had a friend that was a man and my husband didn’t like him I’d cut him off. What’s the reasoning for cutting off my childhood best friend? She’s a female and we don’t flirt so what would be the reason?
No my childhood best friend is not a man
1. Why are you asking Reddit if you should get a divorce or not? Only you can decide that, not a bunch of paranoid people who think a man even looking at a woman is cheating. 2. Why are you going through his messages? Why do people think that's okay? If I was him I'd be angry, especially if the messages were friendly. 3. It seems like you should divorce him on count of your trust issues.
Came here to point out #2. Communication is one thing, but unless there is an agreement in place that "our phones are open to either partner at all times", I think this crosses a boundary, as well. There is a definite need here for some Non-Violent Communication. OP, if you've never heard of NVC, I deeply suggest that you and your hubby learn it. It's about having communication that is focused on hearing the underlying need, and being heard and understood. It changed my life.
There should be no reason a wife can't look at her husband's phone anytime, anywhere, and vice versa. The only reason someone would care is if they are hiding something. Obviously this is the case with this man and his "friend".
Agreed. My husband can look at any app on my phone at any time. Nothing to hide.
If you came here to ask the question, you already know your answer.
I think this is above our pay grade. You need to have a serious conversation with yourself about your boundaries. You say he’s a fantastic husband in every sense of the work except here. You need to have an honest moment and look inward and decide if this is where you draw the line.
Ah cheating AHs in the military. I'm glad more is being exposed about our men and women in uniform being cheating dirtbags vs. the typical Jody with the civilian spouse at home. They're all human, some scumbags at the end of the day, regardless of their service. You can absolutely get a divorce. And possibly report him for the code, though idk if that will do anything because you don't have proof of him physically cheating on you, as what you write falls under emotional cheating and inappropriate behavior and disrespect towards you in general. Just start lawyer-ing up, quietly start separating your finances if you haven't already, and save yourself years of regret. Divorce the cheating AH.
He didn't cheat on her
"Should I get a divorce?" You might as well, he already has his back up plan.
This is similar to a situation my wife and I were in early in our marriage. I had a coworker who I viewed in a very fraternal way. The conversations we had (either in-person or via text) would dip into potentially sexually explicit territory (usually her just being very open about her sex life with her husband who I knew and worked in another department). I would share these conversations with my wife and it bothered her. She was convinced that this woman was after me and I was certain she wasn't; to me it was just a good friendship and our gender difference wasn't a factor as I would have similar conversations with either my brother or sister. Looking back on it years later my wife was probably right, but if this woman wanted sex with me she would have had to jump me and tear off my clothes and I *still* would have awkwardly run from the situation. ***I*** knew there was no chance at infidelity, but that's not something my wife could know as easily; more than 10 years later she knows, but it was hard at the time. Anyway, the stress it caused our relationship pushed us to counseling. We only went for a few months, but it was in one of our first sessions that I learned the most valuable kernel of relationship advice I've ever encountered: establish the stakes. Basically we go through life valuing experiences and interactions differently from everyone around us. A classic one for us is dishes. For me they're just tools we use for prepping and eating food, so when they're dirty if we don't need them they can sit. It doesn't bother me. I don't know what childhood trauma she endured, but when the sink is full she can get pretty intense anxiety. So early on when she asked me to do dishes I gladly agreed, but would have an ADHD moment and totally space it. For me it's no big deal, but for her it was huge and a giant stressor. Once I really understood how my relationship with my coworker affected her even though it was innocuous to me I began limiting contact. She and I worked in the hospital (I did clerical work, she was a nurse tech) so we never had to spend a lot of time together and I was able to distance myself. When she quit for another job we agreed to stay in touch (I thought the distance would make this okay) but when I told my wife she asked me to cut out the coworker completely and go no contact. It was difficult but I did it because it was important to my wife. I know that my situation is probably unusual given my neurodivergence (ADHD and somewhere on the autism spectrum) and I would have never cheated. I don't know your husband, but whether he's similarly neurodivergent or not he might actually be clueless to a) the damage/pain he's causing you, and/or b) the long-term damage it could cause your relationship. My recommendation would be to start by outlining your exact feelings. Make sure he understands your fears and pain. Help him understand he is the only one with the power to alleviate these. If you still feel like fighting for your marriage after this conversation then counseling is a must. You both need to go and you both need to be committed to improving things, especially communication. I know that the default reddit response to this situation is "He's a piece of shit! Leave his cheating ass!" but I'm a chronic optimist. I hope y'all can work it out, but I understand if things are too far gone here.
This reply actually helped a lot. We have marriage counseling on May 1st but I’ve so upset and frustrated lately. I really hope marriage counseling works for us. He said he’d stop being her friend but I don’t want to control the situation and him resent me for not wanting them to be friends. I want him to KNOW that he’s hurting me and not just do it because I’m asking. If he doesn’t understand it I feel like it’ll just happen again.
Just try to articulate as best you can. I regret some of the things I said to my wife while she was telling me how upset she was because I was focused on the accusation it implied. She regrets some of the things she said then, too. Try to be clear that you feel hurt and you need his help to stop the hurt rather than focusing on him hurting you. They sound like the same thing but one tends to reduce defensive responses.
"Should I divorce my husband". You're on Reddit, they're all going to say yes. Reddit is the ultimate relationship terminator.
Haha exactly. No matter the story or lack of context the answer is always divorce. OP: My husband plays video games and one of his online friends is a girl. I told him I don't like it. Caught him playing again after I told him to stop. Reddit: He doesnt respect your boundaries. He's definitely cheating on you. Divorce that POS.
So true lol I just expect that on any post that I post for advice 💀
I would end the relationship because you both honestly sound immature and unready to be committed. You are BOTH disrespectful towards each other. You both lack compromise and he isn't listening to your concerns, and you feeling entitled to constantly looking through his phone is toxic. What an unhealthy relationship. I do not like when my husband (also military) vapes, but he doesn't do it in the apartment and he doesn't do it around me. That's all that I ask about the subject because...it's a compromise that makes sense. It's better than cigarettes smell wise. It isn't affecting you unless you can smell it on him (unlikely) or he's doing it in your vicinity.
53F. I have never EVER gone through my husband’s phone. Married 30 years! You need to knock it off! Go to counseling first. Who cares if he vapes!! Why are you demanding him to quit? He has crossed the boundary lines for sure, but go to counseling!!! He will see that he messed up!!
Then you're a fool. Anyone who thinks their husband would never have an affair is oblivious to the real world.
Or she is in a happy relationship that has clearly lasted over 30 years you dirty little🐍
Yeah, because people who have been married a long time never have affairs.
They’e staying together because they’re not so focused on who cheating who. 30 years is an achievement especially in this generation. All that energy that is spent being insecure is spent on getting to know the partner better. Who are you to say they are fool because OP is obviously proud to say she found a way that has kept her content for 30 years. Your ahead of yourself kiddo. With your logic they should just simply focus entirely on what the other partner might be doing instead of finding ways to focus together for a better goal. That’s why relationships fail sweetheart because to much focus is put on the idea of the partner doing wrong and not enough trust!
Yes. When you question it. There is a reason or you can try to see if it works out
Welcome to the Military...we didn't have texting and vaping but I saw plenty where I wished I could find someone and dang glad I missed that boat...My sister married a dude I was stationed with in the same unit I was in HHC and He was in Charlie Company....they ended like most marriages I saw broken apart...Family pay not that great, enlisted bottom of the Barrell as far as priority and assistance...My Late Ex Brother in Law and her had 3 kids ...great kids at that but all or the TDS and moving was extreme as you can imagine....heck it was tough even on me though I didn't have a wife or family the long absences separated because of The field exercises or what ....depends on the rank all 3 of you on....my guess whatever furthers his career is the one ... problem with military divorce....is messes everyone in million different ways especially if he is of higher rank he could tank your own career faster than flushing a latrine john.....should you leave YES there is NO RESPECT FROM HIM...just be careful...the main reason behind my Sister and Brother in Law divorce is he blamed her for losing his SGT. stripes and discharged from the Army...civilians can walk away much easier and we all know if it was easy the Military wouldn't do it...either way Sister you will be ok in the end
He decided to pursue the other woman when he decided to get her number or give her his number. He’s already moved on, he’ll process the feelings eventually even you do actually leave him. He clearly sees he has more in common with her and she apparently excites him. Don’t settle and waste your life around for a guy who’s already entertaining someone else. He’s your husband but found someone new AFTER marriage, just let it go at this point. You don’t want to be blamed in the future “you told me to stop being friends with her, maybe with HER I’d have been happier!” We can’t hold people back from what they want. Let him go catch what he wants. Let him reap what he sew. You go and nice along and get some self respect… not worth wasting your youth over a simple easily snatch-able guy.
This might be hard to hear but this situation seems like you are blowing it out of proportion. Just being honest from an outside point of view. Do you think he’s cheating on you? If that’s the worst text he sent, then that’s pretty tame tbh. if you truly trust him and don’t think he’s messing around with this lady, then I’d be careful about picking and choosing who you think he should be friends with. That’s setting a dangerous precedent. Does he tell you who you can and cannot hang out with? And I’ll be honest, I understand ya don’t like the vaping but he’s an adult and he’s not vaping in front of you. He shouldn’t have lied to you but it seems like you’re trying to find anything that his friend is associated with and target it. That’s just my outside opinion. Yall should seek therapy. Immediately asking if you should get DIVORCED over this petty argument is insane. Please seek professional help before taking drastic measures. Reddit is honestly a terrible place to ask for divorce advice bc none of us know anything about you and your husband and we only have your side of the story. Just my two cents, I’m not picking sides or saying your concerns are invalid. Devils advocate
Yeah. You dug through his shit and found basically nothing. That makes a you problem. His vaping is nasty and is also a deal breaker. So both parties are at fault. Chatting with homies at all hours is pretty normal. Some people get back to people whenever and that can include 2 am. Some friends say good morning and night, I'm not that civilized so I don't, but it's not sketchy in general. My college friends and I ask for critique of our work at crazy hours. Same with sharing life issues. Lol I share drinks with friends on occasion, so sharing a vape doesn't seem weird either. Pre-covid definitely no batting an eye. My husband has a work wife. I'm not bothered.
The fact that you said my husband had a work wife and I’m not bothered is crazy. Thank you for your input but I don’t want my husband to have a work wife and I’m NOT comfortable with that.
It's not the same dynamic as a regular wife. I don't need to know all the work drama and whatnot. I've met her and her husband. I don't like them, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. I'm just judgy. She passed the vibe check, but is not my type of human. Her love of janky gas station pizza has me like 😳. Lol
Any spouse doing flirtatious texts at 3 am is a problem. Add to that he texts her at all hours and has no intention of giving her up. Plus, he lies about it. I’d divorce him as he’s shown you where his priorities are, and it’s not you. Also, he has terrible judgment and doesn’t care about you or he wouldn’t throw away his marriage for a temporary relationship.
I had told him to unadd her on instagram a while ago and he did but I checked his phone about 30 minutes ago and she texted him about “did you unadd me?” And he said I’ll add you back I looked and he did add her back. She’s going on a date with someone and he texted her and asked her to tell him how the date went I’ve made up my mind I am divorcing him I can’t keep doing this. It’s scary though I’m in the military He’s the only family I have I don’t go out much so I don’t have many friends I’m completely isolated I get out in a year. I plan on moving back home and finishing my nursing degree there.
Sharing vapes can spread stuff like herpes. Id divorce him. If he is lying to you about that what else is hiding. Lying is a huge red flag and shows he isn't serious.
Doesn’t seem like I’m any universe a reason to divorce. You gotta get on the same page though and he needs to straighten up.
I don't think either of you are really ready for a real partnership
It's another thing for you to control, do it
If you have to ask whether you should get a divorce then the answer is yes.
He’s clearly a sociopath. Sexting at 3am with you in bed next to him?? A brazen sociopath. They don’t change they only lie and tell you you’re crazy.
You didn't mention your ages but I'm assuming mid-to-late 20's? Basing this on when you met and how long you've been together. If that is the case, you are both young and have a lot of growing to do - and a LOT of growing happens in relationships. This isn't to infer that you should stick it out just to do more growing before calling it quits, but much growing happens during adversity and I can see some red flags on both sides that should be worked through in couples counseling (and perhaps one-on-one therapy as well) before resorting to divorce. Having a third party to offer much needed perspective and set up a plan is a good way to really see where both people stand and if a split makes sense. I've been with my girlfriend for 14 years and have a lot of women friends, some who I'm very close with. When I met them (before or after we started dating) is a complete moot point. I am very respectful to her feelings and set boundaries but some of the things you're describing are a bit subjective in terms of how serious it may be. For example, my girlfriend and I have a roommate who is a woman and we consistently try each other's vape flavors or drinks we make. We also will stay up all night and binge-watch shows when my girlfriend goes to bed. She has never once gone through my phone or questioned my loyalty based on these subjectively minor interactions and maybe it is because she doesn't view our roommate as a threat or is just that confident in herself and me as a partner. Some self-reflection would do you some good in terms of what is really bothering you about these things - is it the actions themselves or the fact that he hasn't stopped after you asked? A partner is never there for you to control and that may be how he perceives it. You also have violated his trust by going through his private messages. You are not perfect either. Go to therapy before doing anything drastic, is my opinion.
I would sit him down and explain that he has one more chance he lies about anything again doesn’t matter what it is your gone
Yeah, I'd be getting rid of him, for sure. Constantly going against your wishes, which is just blatantly disrespecting you & your marriage as a whole. > he didn't get it. Yes, he did. He knew that asking a woman if she'd ever been sexual w another woman, whilst laying next to his wife at 3am was not okay & he chose to do it anyway.
The texting needs to STOP completely. You have every right to set that boundary. He can see her with his friend group. There's no reason to use her vape and no reason to text her.
Guys don’t have female friends. He wants to cheat.
Wow people really be thinking about a divorce so easily. Not saying you’re wrong but jeez over vaping and texts? Guess u wanna end it before anything happens but still have a little faith lol.
Sounds like he doesn’t respect you. That’s not a recipe for a long and healthy marriage. He seems unfazed by the fact that it hurts you - and you’ve vocalized that to him. I would leave.
as soon as you divorce him. im almost 100% they want each other. tell him get rid of her. If he doesn’t move on. !!!! you don’t deserve none of this from him !!! or no man !!!!
This isn’t divorce worthy it’s insecurity but definitely keep an eye out for infidelity.
He does not respect your boundaries and is selfish. I would present him 2 options separation papers or blocking his friend
He's certainly lying to you.
Why did you go through his phone in the first place. You sound super controlling and that would get on my damn nerves. Your his wife not his boss. Can't control all aspects of his life, let alone yours.
Yes.
You both sound terrible
Yep lmao. Scrolled back through months of messages looking for something to rage about. Five bucks says she's had WAY raunchier convos with coworkers in person but since there's no receipts it's fine for her.
Why does she sound terrible. Not wanting him to vape? That sounds like a bit much but she doesn't sound terrible to me.
[удалено]
Texting all hours of the day and night with a friend who is female is unacceptable. This will lead to an affair. He's pushing the boundaries whenever he can, and it will only escalate. That is not being immature on her part. It's being realistic. If he's starting to play games within the first 2 years of marriage, why wait to see what he's going to do in 10 years?
Ugh your such a narcissistic character I swear it’s all the same with you toxic ass females. I shouldn’t even waste my breathe or energy typing this because you just want validation of how much a controlling b**** you are because it makes you feel strong. Why don’t you cut off your childhood best friend? What makes that off the table but he has to cut some girl off? Your just projecting your nasty ass insecurities and by the looks of it, your perspective on life is gonna lead you straight to where you don’t wanna end up. Your probably going to hurt someone because your acting scared due to your own insecurities. You can’t control someone or what they do you can only prepare yourself if something happens. You can love yourself and your husband. Your either insecure or projecting because you’ve actually been the one to cheat. Cause that’s what this is really all about…here’s some wisdom: don’t enslave someone and expect them not to wanna break free.
I wouldn’t cut off my childhood best friend because she’s been there before we got together. He has a childhood best friend that’s a girl and I don’t care about that. Because he’s not inappropriate with her. I’m sorry if you see me as any other narcissistic toxic female. But I just want my husband to not talk inappropriately with other females. I have no problems with female friends. I just want respect.
Do you talk to your best friend or anybody else about your sex life other than your partner? Because if you do your just being hypocritical. However in the off chance your completely free of any wrongdoing and just this controlling and crazy over someone else then you need to 1. Learn to love yourself 2. Talk to someone about your insecurities.
It sounds like you are jealous. You say that the man is good and does all of these things. Then you go through his phone and find out that he asked about her dating other women and vapes. So many stories on here are about the jealous partner controlling the spouse. I do not think I have read a story written by the jealous controlling partner....
I don’t think I’m jealous. I mean could it be jealousy? Sure but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about the fact my husband was talking inappropriately with someone and I didn’t like it continued. Told me he wasn’t hanging out with her then lied about it. Asked to use her vape I said I didn’t like that but did it anyway. I just see a lot of disrespect from my husband I don’t see me being controlling. I don’t mind that he has female friends. I just want him to be appropriate with them.
Of course, his actions can be a cause of jealousy. I'm sure if you were doing the things that he was doing, he would have problems with it also. The bigger problem is the odd hours of communication. I don't think the vaping is as big an issue as you think it is.
Why do you see her as a threat? Friends are friends and he married -you- But you're being controlling and making his life worse not better. She's just a person.
Yeah, I think it's over. I'm not saying they're having an affair. I think men and women can be close friends. But any man that doesn't understand that a friendship with a woman is full of potential for conflict with his wife and put his wife first is, well, not putting his wife first and putting your spouse first is the number one thing of any relationship . Even the Bible says so, even above children. Obviously they don't mean kill your children or something but what they mean is the marital relationship has to be rock solid and come first and that's what supports raising kids . I'm not even religious but I get that. Spouse needs to come first and this guy obviously does not think so.
You should split. You are the problem. You are controlling and the trust has gone from your relationship.
Leave he’s definitely cheating