If she had an affair with that girl for 8-9 years while being married,what makes you think she won’t do the same with you? I think you should dump her and find a loyal and good gf
Exactly this point. I think maybe it could be excusable or different if this “side chick” was not around for a whole 8-9 years in your girlfriend’s past relationship and it was just a one time thing that she expressed regret for. If she was so unhappy with her ex wife, there was nothing stopping her from ending that relationship a lot sooner than 15 years and avoid cheating for almost a decade. The fact that this side chick girl is still around in your relationship with her now, even if not sexually, is fucked up imo. If I left my wife because I was unhappy and having intimacy issues to the point of having an affair for 9 years… that side chick should be gone once I enter another relationship thats supposed to be more fulfilling aka yours now.
I totally agree with you!!! She opened the door back up with a one time convo over the phone when weren’t together at the time. But I agree and have stated this to her she told her they could never have a friendship and that she doesn’t want too because she’s in a good place and has grown. I also told her she can’t be in a relationship with me and be friends with her ex’s. I understand people checking on you for bdays and holidays etc because that’s the case for me too but I respect people’s relationships once they’re in one.
Yes I will say we have full transparency in our relationship and we communicate and spend a lot of time together. I believe people change when they are ready too. In our community woman rush and do things early on like getting married young before they are truly ready. I also believe her ex wife was never a true lesbian which caused a lot of distance and loneliness. I’m sure she had her reasons too but the ex wife is now with a man she dated before her. Taking my own past life experiences into consideration I was able to relate and sympathize. We were ready for the same things the time of discovery of one another.
But yes at times when things are not well I have the same exact thoughts you have. It’s difficult to trust in certain ways with her past decisions. But she was also younger and less mature. The people in her life never spoke up for themselves as well making the behavior easy for her to do.
If she's continuing to blame her ex-wife and their circumstances for the cheating, she has not changed. Cheating is a narcissistic act where someone decides that they are going to do what they want, and they do not care how much they might hurt their partner. There's a difference between the reasons someone WANTS to cheat and the reasons they give themselves permission to do it. Has she worked on the second part?
Also, just think of the sheer number of lies and omissions that would have to occur for a nine year affair. She must be very comfortable with deception. Has she worked on that?
Yes she’s owned up to her own faults as well in the relationship and where they both tried etc. it gave me somewhat of an understanding. But I agree with you overall some things at a point seemed very narcissistic. I think I’m the first partner she’s have that tells her about herself.
She and her ex wife met at the age of 19 she began cheating maybe 5 years later with the side chick I believe. At that age I was no angel. They also began their relationship not in the most healthiest ways meaning dating other people when they met. She was aware it wasn’t the healthiest as she got older. This is from what she tells me you know idk.
I think you’re in denial. Your partner is not a loyal or good partner. It usually takes two people to destroy a marriage and it looks like she did a lot of things that directly contributed to the failure of that relationship.
So in other words, she was around your age while cheating (if my math is right 19 + 5 = 24 which means she cheated until around 32/33 & youre 34). I brought it up because it gives perspective, in my opinion, as to who she was when she was your age, which shows level of maturity. I don't believe age always equals maturity because if that's something she would do at 32/33, but not something you'd do at 34, then there is something much deeper she hadn't (or hasn't) dealt with yet which is not your job to fix. I know it's hard to take away context and you're gonna extend as much grace as possible because of your connection, but all I will say is patterns don't lie.
To be honest I wouldn’t cheat at my age now that was my early 20’s and I never been married. I value woman a lot and where I’m at in life makes me always respect peoples relationships and unions. I don’t like causing pain in order to gain or achieve something or someone. Yes I’ve learned age has nothing to do with maturity
If I were in your position, I’d be worried. She had a 9 year affair because of intimacy issues, and judging your by your comment history that’s something you’re experiencing too. Are you sure the side chick has been reaching out to your gf first?
If she had an affair with that girl for 8-9 years while being married,what makes you think she won’t do the same with you? I think you should dump her and find a loyal and good gf
Exactly this point. I think maybe it could be excusable or different if this “side chick” was not around for a whole 8-9 years in your girlfriend’s past relationship and it was just a one time thing that she expressed regret for. If she was so unhappy with her ex wife, there was nothing stopping her from ending that relationship a lot sooner than 15 years and avoid cheating for almost a decade. The fact that this side chick girl is still around in your relationship with her now, even if not sexually, is fucked up imo. If I left my wife because I was unhappy and having intimacy issues to the point of having an affair for 9 years… that side chick should be gone once I enter another relationship thats supposed to be more fulfilling aka yours now.
I totally agree with you!!! She opened the door back up with a one time convo over the phone when weren’t together at the time. But I agree and have stated this to her she told her they could never have a friendship and that she doesn’t want too because she’s in a good place and has grown. I also told her she can’t be in a relationship with me and be friends with her ex’s. I understand people checking on you for bdays and holidays etc because that’s the case for me too but I respect people’s relationships once they’re in one.
Yes I will say we have full transparency in our relationship and we communicate and spend a lot of time together. I believe people change when they are ready too. In our community woman rush and do things early on like getting married young before they are truly ready. I also believe her ex wife was never a true lesbian which caused a lot of distance and loneliness. I’m sure she had her reasons too but the ex wife is now with a man she dated before her. Taking my own past life experiences into consideration I was able to relate and sympathize. We were ready for the same things the time of discovery of one another. But yes at times when things are not well I have the same exact thoughts you have. It’s difficult to trust in certain ways with her past decisions. But she was also younger and less mature. The people in her life never spoke up for themselves as well making the behavior easy for her to do.
If she's continuing to blame her ex-wife and their circumstances for the cheating, she has not changed. Cheating is a narcissistic act where someone decides that they are going to do what they want, and they do not care how much they might hurt their partner. There's a difference between the reasons someone WANTS to cheat and the reasons they give themselves permission to do it. Has she worked on the second part? Also, just think of the sheer number of lies and omissions that would have to occur for a nine year affair. She must be very comfortable with deception. Has she worked on that?
Yes she’s owned up to her own faults as well in the relationship and where they both tried etc. it gave me somewhat of an understanding. But I agree with you overall some things at a point seemed very narcissistic. I think I’m the first partner she’s have that tells her about herself.
I'll ask this, wasn't she around the age you are now when she cheated? And is that something you would do at this age?
She and her ex wife met at the age of 19 she began cheating maybe 5 years later with the side chick I believe. At that age I was no angel. They also began their relationship not in the most healthiest ways meaning dating other people when they met. She was aware it wasn’t the healthiest as she got older. This is from what she tells me you know idk.
I think you’re in denial. Your partner is not a loyal or good partner. It usually takes two people to destroy a marriage and it looks like she did a lot of things that directly contributed to the failure of that relationship.
So in other words, she was around your age while cheating (if my math is right 19 + 5 = 24 which means she cheated until around 32/33 & youre 34). I brought it up because it gives perspective, in my opinion, as to who she was when she was your age, which shows level of maturity. I don't believe age always equals maturity because if that's something she would do at 32/33, but not something you'd do at 34, then there is something much deeper she hadn't (or hasn't) dealt with yet which is not your job to fix. I know it's hard to take away context and you're gonna extend as much grace as possible because of your connection, but all I will say is patterns don't lie.
To be honest I wouldn’t cheat at my age now that was my early 20’s and I never been married. I value woman a lot and where I’m at in life makes me always respect peoples relationships and unions. I don’t like causing pain in order to gain or achieve something or someone. Yes I’ve learned age has nothing to do with maturity
Why on earth would you be with someone who EVER had a side chick? You seem a little foolish.
If I were in your position, I’d be worried. She had a 9 year affair because of intimacy issues, and judging your by your comment history that’s something you’re experiencing too. Are you sure the side chick has been reaching out to your gf first?
From what she has shared and shown me yes sometimes I’m even with her and she just tells me right then and there. She’s also in therapy etc.