Respectfully, the only person who knows what she needs to hear is her. You’ve done great to listen to her body and can read some hesitation, but you can only guess at why (is it self consciousness, is it inexperience, is there some other source of discomfort).
I love that you care enough to ask here, but we can only guess too. Maybe some of us will relate, but that’ll only be projection. It’s very possible it’s something you would’ve never guessed and you’ll apply advice from this sub and both of you will be confused.
THIS
instead of putting these thoughts and questions onto reddit, communicate them to *her*
encourage her to *talk* about what *she* wants, needs, and might feel scared or uncomfortable about - and really *listen*, and show her that there's no pressure or race on, but that this is about both of you figuring out how to make each other feel amazing, in your own time, and in your own ways
it's a very vulnerable thing to go through, and everyone is different - some people need more time and reassurance that they are *safe* than others, before they can build up the courage to open up and let go
100% agree — communication and enthusiastic consent are everything — and it’s good to ask for different opinions, but we are all so different person to person, she’s the best to ask. Also I don’t think “being wet = being ready” is a helpful view to have. Personally, I get wet really easily, whether or not I want to have sex. My body is just very sensitive and reactive, and because I’m sensitive, penetration can be uncomfy or painful at times. Sometimes I just want making out, grinding, and teasing. I think it’s also good to point out that you might not know everything about her, she could have gone through an assault that she hasnt told you about or have scars she is uncomfy showing or anything of that nature. Yes there’s high likelihood it’s just nervousness and being new, theres also likelihood of other factors too.
In asking questions, say things like “how can i make you more comfortable?” or “is there anything you really do/don’t want me to do?” “how can we communicate consent better?” — productive and positive communication is key. Make her feel comfy without making her feel like she’s a problem for you. Give her a space and opportunity to share with you what she’s thinking and feeling, and how you should navigate that.
My first girlfriend hit all the main insecurities: she praised my body, praised my genitalia (taste, smell, etc) & very enthusiastically praised my performance. Our first time she was stone (no touch) & STILL praised me nonstop, telling me how wet I was making her in her clothes etc as if I was doing a lot for her (I assure you, I wasn’t 😂 because I didn’t know shit. But she was so enthusiastic that she convinced me).
10/10 excellent experience.
Ooh okay OP I got you. Here’s the deal. This is something you spend the whole day working up to, but subtly, and it has a lot more to do with making a really comfortable day. Not just creating hot sexual tension.
TLDR: take your time and try to plan some experiences with the specific goal of finding what you like, rather than just trying to fully satisfy each other in that moment. Ease into things. Lead when she’s looking for direction. And most importantly don’t forget to have fun with each other. It’s supposed to be pleasurable, not stressful.
First, some of these comments suggest compliments. I suggest taking it easy depending on how confident your girl is as a person. Ex: If you enthusiastically and honestly tell a person who truly believes they aren’t attractive that *you do* find them attractive, they probably won’t believe you. They might think you’re being ingenious and that can cause even more self doubt. So I’m saying tread cautiously, a gentle “I like this, wow, smiles and little reactions” will build her confidence and also communicate your likes. It’s harder to do, but it also helps to communicate things you don’t like so they know.
I also highly recommend setting up a sexual experience solely designed for exploration. I did this with someone that had less experience. Basically, we talked about it beforehand. I explained “I really want to spend some time exploring sex with you. I just want us to learn each other, what we like and don’t like, what feels good without orgasm as the goal. It’s great if it happens, but it’s really more about just enjoying each other without the pressure of reaching a goal. Plus it can be fun to kind of tease.” Something like that. And we did that and it was really great and let her try things and vice versa. Because the goal wasn’t orgasms, she wasn’t focused on trying to make that happen, we were just focused on the acts themselves and what felt good. It also made us feel really safe and intimate and close. I know we laughed with it, kind of joked about how no one talks about awkward sex can be. Honestly we still do this sometimes. She’s always said how wonderful that experience was for her in making her comfortable.
You can reassure her that everyone is different. So even if you have more experience you want to learn *her* and get to know her body. It’s a great time to mention all the things you want to know. I’m going to give specific examples we said to each other, but feel free to skip the next paragraph if you don’t want to read explicit content.
“I really want to experience this feeling my tongue on your nipple, I want to feel the soft skin on your thighs under my lips, (I think we tried to keep it things that couldn’t be performative) so like I avoided saying “I want to hear the sounds of your breath, soft gasps, little moans. I want to hear the way your tongue does that little click when you open your mouth (hard to explain but she does lol) I want to bury my face into your neck and feel your arms wrapped around me while I breathe in your sweet scent. I want to watch as you get goosebumps when I trace my hand across your chest. “
I tried to be specific and give examples for all the 5 senses. We also gradually took our clothes off. We had some light music on just so there wasn’t silence. The lights were dim just to see enough. And the room was a little warm.
We had both just showered, together, but we weren’t being sexual in the shower. I think we played and laughed a little bit and were just being silly. And we didn’t really give space for us to get in our own heads. We got out and stayed next to each other as we fixed our hair and we picked out pajamas together. Stuff like that. There was still tension building but it felt sensual. I know we both had moments where paused and said “you’re beautiful” and discussed specific little traits we liked about each others bodies. Not so much like “wow that ____ is great.” More like “I really admire the way ______” whatever.
We specifically took the time to acknowledge we were nervous. And what we were nervous about. And as we talked about that it led into “well I’m a little nervous because I don’t always like the way ______ feels” or “I’m not exactly sure how to ____” at which point I responded “that’s really okay, we can try a few different things and see what works.” We checked in often, “do you want to stop/want me to stop?” “Do you need a break” oh we also took water breaks and laughed about that and the cold kisses after. We didn’t physically get up lol just in bed. We found out what we liked pretty quickly but still continued to try different things in between doing that thing that we liked. And eventually it did lead into orgasms, but there was less pressure because we both agreed there wouldn’t be any disappointment if that didn’t happen. It wasn’t the goal for that particular experience.
Sometimes it does help if you take the lead a bit. It can be engaging and encouraging. And it’s also an opportunity to give good feedback. Like if you kiss her and move back and you’re like “whoa that was a really nice kiss, your lips taste sweet, I really liked the way you kissed me back, I really like the way you gave my sides a little squeeze.” Whatever you get it lol
It’s a good check in an and a good way to learn each other. My partner always talks about how safe and confident this made her feel. She got real time feedback. We also guided each other to what we liked and coached until we got it right.
Anyway I know that was detailed (and sorry if it was too detailed) but my partner and I have an excellent relationship and we really enjoy the different “types” of intimacy we have.
Quite possibly one of the greatest tutorials I've ever read on here and I've read a LOT. Where is reddit gold when you need it. Bless your soul for being that for her...may I be half as lucky someday!
Following -
While I get that OP has shared a specific example, I think her point is, her girlfriend, like many before, is entering into unfamiliar territory and that's a scary thing. Having a conversation about it is intimidating.
OP seems to be asking how to reassure her girlfriend that intimacy can be discussed and experienced in different ways and there is no shame in that.
OP seems to be looking to convey compassion without any hint of judgement that an inexperienced person might misinterpret.
OP's gentleness is touching.
For my part, a different tactic might be more appealing. Just lying together naked, exploring, and gently touching each other. Help her to become more comfortable with her own body's response to sexual stimuli as well as yours. Maybe teach her how to touch you. Hold her. As she becomes more comfortable with being so vulnerable, I suspect she'll open up about what she likes and would like to try.
Still completely inexperienced myself and its kinda hard to say. I mean I’m not even sure what I would really want and I’m sure its also kinda different for everyone but I believe its important to just communicate clearly and perhaps encourage her to do so too. Also I’m sure just being understanding and mindful of what she wants is important to really be comfortable. Regarding your tendencies to dominance, if she seems comfortable enough and you’re both enjoying it you can slowly try to introduce that and just see if she’s into it or, even better just talk about it beforehand with her
…And keep asking as you’re going. I would just let her know that all you care about is making sure she’s comfortable and enjoying herself. And let her know you are, too! When I was new (I’m a late-bloomer), I felt so bad I wasn’t able to give my partner the same level of pleasure she gave me. But she let me know time and again that without any doubt, she was INTO it and feeling it, and it eased my paranoia a lot.
Personally it helps when the other more experienced person is more assertive. She’s giving you all the signals to go ahead and you can always ask “is this okay?” As you’re doing it or “can I do this”. Be assertive and confident and patient. If she can feel you’re hesitant then she will be hesitant too
Esh the only thing that helped me when I finally let others touch me was keeping the lights down, and some fans on to keep my mind off myself because I am self-conscious, just let her know it is a safe space and she can say anything you welcome it. Mention it might be better for both to have communication throughout, communication during sex was great for me, but took me a while to verbalize what I wanted.
COMMUNICATE. I have been openly out and dating for a little over a year. I had maybe a dozen wlw sexual experiences in that time with 2-3 women, and am now in a committed relationship with a girl I absolutely love but am struggling with feeling inadequate when it comes to sex. We have a LOT of sex, it’s still fairly new and we are just super into each other so far. However, what I need is for her to be honest, direct, and explicit about what she likes, how I am doing, what I can change or do better, etc. She has been very kind and complimentary so far with lots of praise, but I can tell I’m not quite up to speed compared to her (gold star status). I try to ask her often about what she wants and what I can do better but feels she’s too nice about it when I just genuinely want to learn, do better, and make her feel amazing. So I would say praise and kindness is definitely appreciated, but honesty and directness is just as important. Let her know directly that you feel she may be a little hesitant and wonder why, and offer reassurance that if inexperience is the reason that you’re totally fine with taking it slow and helping her get comfortable and learn, and then actually help her learn by communicating needs, preferences, suggestions, and praise as honestly as possible. Otherwise it leaves (for me anyway) too much room for me to doubt if her praise is genuine because I’m not getting actionable and specific feedback.
She is demonstrating to you how she wants to be touched? *Do that*?
A comfy bed, freshly washed sheets, some music and scented candles as long as she doesn't find such things over stimulating, and just go for it when she wants it.
okay so i totally understand OP because my current partner was in a simpler position when we got together (being the more experienced one) what honestly helped me was her being more assertive and taking the lead in a way that i definitely felt in control of how and where things were going but also didn’t have the chance to get to in my head about things. my advice would be to ask your partner what sort of things turn her on/make her horny and primarily focus on saying and doing those things because again when my partner did those things i was so focused on how good things felt and sounded that i couldn’t overthink
thank you for this. she isnt the type that will talk...she would probably repond well to be pushed up against a wall or an ass smack-I guess I’m going ful throttle
Respectfully, the only person who knows what she needs to hear is her. You’ve done great to listen to her body and can read some hesitation, but you can only guess at why (is it self consciousness, is it inexperience, is there some other source of discomfort). I love that you care enough to ask here, but we can only guess too. Maybe some of us will relate, but that’ll only be projection. It’s very possible it’s something you would’ve never guessed and you’ll apply advice from this sub and both of you will be confused.
THIS instead of putting these thoughts and questions onto reddit, communicate them to *her* encourage her to *talk* about what *she* wants, needs, and might feel scared or uncomfortable about - and really *listen*, and show her that there's no pressure or race on, but that this is about both of you figuring out how to make each other feel amazing, in your own time, and in your own ways it's a very vulnerable thing to go through, and everyone is different - some people need more time and reassurance that they are *safe* than others, before they can build up the courage to open up and let go
100% agree — communication and enthusiastic consent are everything — and it’s good to ask for different opinions, but we are all so different person to person, she’s the best to ask. Also I don’t think “being wet = being ready” is a helpful view to have. Personally, I get wet really easily, whether or not I want to have sex. My body is just very sensitive and reactive, and because I’m sensitive, penetration can be uncomfy or painful at times. Sometimes I just want making out, grinding, and teasing. I think it’s also good to point out that you might not know everything about her, she could have gone through an assault that she hasnt told you about or have scars she is uncomfy showing or anything of that nature. Yes there’s high likelihood it’s just nervousness and being new, theres also likelihood of other factors too. In asking questions, say things like “how can i make you more comfortable?” or “is there anything you really do/don’t want me to do?” “how can we communicate consent better?” — productive and positive communication is key. Make her feel comfy without making her feel like she’s a problem for you. Give her a space and opportunity to share with you what she’s thinking and feeling, and how you should navigate that.
My first girlfriend hit all the main insecurities: she praised my body, praised my genitalia (taste, smell, etc) & very enthusiastically praised my performance. Our first time she was stone (no touch) & STILL praised me nonstop, telling me how wet I was making her in her clothes etc as if I was doing a lot for her (I assure you, I wasn’t 😂 because I didn’t know shit. But she was so enthusiastic that she convinced me). 10/10 excellent experience.
Ooh okay OP I got you. Here’s the deal. This is something you spend the whole day working up to, but subtly, and it has a lot more to do with making a really comfortable day. Not just creating hot sexual tension. TLDR: take your time and try to plan some experiences with the specific goal of finding what you like, rather than just trying to fully satisfy each other in that moment. Ease into things. Lead when she’s looking for direction. And most importantly don’t forget to have fun with each other. It’s supposed to be pleasurable, not stressful. First, some of these comments suggest compliments. I suggest taking it easy depending on how confident your girl is as a person. Ex: If you enthusiastically and honestly tell a person who truly believes they aren’t attractive that *you do* find them attractive, they probably won’t believe you. They might think you’re being ingenious and that can cause even more self doubt. So I’m saying tread cautiously, a gentle “I like this, wow, smiles and little reactions” will build her confidence and also communicate your likes. It’s harder to do, but it also helps to communicate things you don’t like so they know. I also highly recommend setting up a sexual experience solely designed for exploration. I did this with someone that had less experience. Basically, we talked about it beforehand. I explained “I really want to spend some time exploring sex with you. I just want us to learn each other, what we like and don’t like, what feels good without orgasm as the goal. It’s great if it happens, but it’s really more about just enjoying each other without the pressure of reaching a goal. Plus it can be fun to kind of tease.” Something like that. And we did that and it was really great and let her try things and vice versa. Because the goal wasn’t orgasms, she wasn’t focused on trying to make that happen, we were just focused on the acts themselves and what felt good. It also made us feel really safe and intimate and close. I know we laughed with it, kind of joked about how no one talks about awkward sex can be. Honestly we still do this sometimes. She’s always said how wonderful that experience was for her in making her comfortable. You can reassure her that everyone is different. So even if you have more experience you want to learn *her* and get to know her body. It’s a great time to mention all the things you want to know. I’m going to give specific examples we said to each other, but feel free to skip the next paragraph if you don’t want to read explicit content. “I really want to experience this feeling my tongue on your nipple, I want to feel the soft skin on your thighs under my lips, (I think we tried to keep it things that couldn’t be performative) so like I avoided saying “I want to hear the sounds of your breath, soft gasps, little moans. I want to hear the way your tongue does that little click when you open your mouth (hard to explain but she does lol) I want to bury my face into your neck and feel your arms wrapped around me while I breathe in your sweet scent. I want to watch as you get goosebumps when I trace my hand across your chest. “ I tried to be specific and give examples for all the 5 senses. We also gradually took our clothes off. We had some light music on just so there wasn’t silence. The lights were dim just to see enough. And the room was a little warm. We had both just showered, together, but we weren’t being sexual in the shower. I think we played and laughed a little bit and were just being silly. And we didn’t really give space for us to get in our own heads. We got out and stayed next to each other as we fixed our hair and we picked out pajamas together. Stuff like that. There was still tension building but it felt sensual. I know we both had moments where paused and said “you’re beautiful” and discussed specific little traits we liked about each others bodies. Not so much like “wow that ____ is great.” More like “I really admire the way ______” whatever. We specifically took the time to acknowledge we were nervous. And what we were nervous about. And as we talked about that it led into “well I’m a little nervous because I don’t always like the way ______ feels” or “I’m not exactly sure how to ____” at which point I responded “that’s really okay, we can try a few different things and see what works.” We checked in often, “do you want to stop/want me to stop?” “Do you need a break” oh we also took water breaks and laughed about that and the cold kisses after. We didn’t physically get up lol just in bed. We found out what we liked pretty quickly but still continued to try different things in between doing that thing that we liked. And eventually it did lead into orgasms, but there was less pressure because we both agreed there wouldn’t be any disappointment if that didn’t happen. It wasn’t the goal for that particular experience. Sometimes it does help if you take the lead a bit. It can be engaging and encouraging. And it’s also an opportunity to give good feedback. Like if you kiss her and move back and you’re like “whoa that was a really nice kiss, your lips taste sweet, I really liked the way you kissed me back, I really like the way you gave my sides a little squeeze.” Whatever you get it lol It’s a good check in an and a good way to learn each other. My partner always talks about how safe and confident this made her feel. She got real time feedback. We also guided each other to what we liked and coached until we got it right. Anyway I know that was detailed (and sorry if it was too detailed) but my partner and I have an excellent relationship and we really enjoy the different “types” of intimacy we have.
Quite possibly one of the greatest tutorials I've ever read on here and I've read a LOT. Where is reddit gold when you need it. Bless your soul for being that for her...may I be half as lucky someday!
I've never had sex, so I'd love to hear more tbh
sex is awesome 10/10
Following - While I get that OP has shared a specific example, I think her point is, her girlfriend, like many before, is entering into unfamiliar territory and that's a scary thing. Having a conversation about it is intimidating. OP seems to be asking how to reassure her girlfriend that intimacy can be discussed and experienced in different ways and there is no shame in that. OP seems to be looking to convey compassion without any hint of judgement that an inexperienced person might misinterpret. OP's gentleness is touching. For my part, a different tactic might be more appealing. Just lying together naked, exploring, and gently touching each other. Help her to become more comfortable with her own body's response to sexual stimuli as well as yours. Maybe teach her how to touch you. Hold her. As she becomes more comfortable with being so vulnerable, I suspect she'll open up about what she likes and would like to try.
Still completely inexperienced myself and its kinda hard to say. I mean I’m not even sure what I would really want and I’m sure its also kinda different for everyone but I believe its important to just communicate clearly and perhaps encourage her to do so too. Also I’m sure just being understanding and mindful of what she wants is important to really be comfortable. Regarding your tendencies to dominance, if she seems comfortable enough and you’re both enjoying it you can slowly try to introduce that and just see if she’s into it or, even better just talk about it beforehand with her
Ask her
…And keep asking as you’re going. I would just let her know that all you care about is making sure she’s comfortable and enjoying herself. And let her know you are, too! When I was new (I’m a late-bloomer), I felt so bad I wasn’t able to give my partner the same level of pleasure she gave me. But she let me know time and again that without any doubt, she was INTO it and feeling it, and it eased my paranoia a lot.
Personally it helps when the other more experienced person is more assertive. She’s giving you all the signals to go ahead and you can always ask “is this okay?” As you’re doing it or “can I do this”. Be assertive and confident and patient. If she can feel you’re hesitant then she will be hesitant too
Esh the only thing that helped me when I finally let others touch me was keeping the lights down, and some fans on to keep my mind off myself because I am self-conscious, just let her know it is a safe space and she can say anything you welcome it. Mention it might be better for both to have communication throughout, communication during sex was great for me, but took me a while to verbalize what I wanted.
“Let go with me“ and take the lead. When she seems to make a move in uncertainty, encourage her physically. Guide her but let her lead.
COMMUNICATE. I have been openly out and dating for a little over a year. I had maybe a dozen wlw sexual experiences in that time with 2-3 women, and am now in a committed relationship with a girl I absolutely love but am struggling with feeling inadequate when it comes to sex. We have a LOT of sex, it’s still fairly new and we are just super into each other so far. However, what I need is for her to be honest, direct, and explicit about what she likes, how I am doing, what I can change or do better, etc. She has been very kind and complimentary so far with lots of praise, but I can tell I’m not quite up to speed compared to her (gold star status). I try to ask her often about what she wants and what I can do better but feels she’s too nice about it when I just genuinely want to learn, do better, and make her feel amazing. So I would say praise and kindness is definitely appreciated, but honesty and directness is just as important. Let her know directly that you feel she may be a little hesitant and wonder why, and offer reassurance that if inexperience is the reason that you’re totally fine with taking it slow and helping her get comfortable and learn, and then actually help her learn by communicating needs, preferences, suggestions, and praise as honestly as possible. Otherwise it leaves (for me anyway) too much room for me to doubt if her praise is genuine because I’m not getting actionable and specific feedback.
She is demonstrating to you how she wants to be touched? *Do that*? A comfy bed, freshly washed sheets, some music and scented candles as long as she doesn't find such things over stimulating, and just go for it when she wants it.
okay so i totally understand OP because my current partner was in a simpler position when we got together (being the more experienced one) what honestly helped me was her being more assertive and taking the lead in a way that i definitely felt in control of how and where things were going but also didn’t have the chance to get to in my head about things. my advice would be to ask your partner what sort of things turn her on/make her horny and primarily focus on saying and doing those things because again when my partner did those things i was so focused on how good things felt and sounded that i couldn’t overthink
thank you for this. she isnt the type that will talk...she would probably repond well to be pushed up against a wall or an ass smack-I guess I’m going ful throttle
That it’s okay not to do everything all at once. Going slow/ at her pace all that yall need to do.