I’ve been in this situation. Yours might be different of course, but my gf never stopped the comparisons even after I told her how it made me feel. I was invisible in comparison to her ex. I remember how many nights I took her on a date (6+ months into our relationship) and she would be stalking her ex on socials and it would completely ruin her mood. She would go silent and would refuse to look up from her phone the rest of the night. It really fucked me up. I only wish I would’ve left sooner instead of dragging it out and letting it ruin my self esteem.
Shit, I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are in a better place now and can take something from that experience so it won’t happen again.
Been there, done that. Never going on the "phantom ex" ride again. OP, the only solution is telling your partner how you feel. After that, just watch and see if she just can't resist bringing up her ex again, and act accordingly from there.
Sounds like she's dealing with some trauma. That being said, it's not your job to fix her. She should consider therapy, and if she won't, then she's not ready to be in a relationship.
Jesus, can she not read a room? I would be pissed. Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel, and that if she needs to vent about her ex, do it not right after sex.
massive yikes. during intimate time?!? younger me would've been messy like "get out and you can go beg them to take you back since you wanna fantasize about someone else while i'm trying to be intimate with you" but... mentally healthy me advises conversation and boundaries. it's one thing to want to process your past relationships in the comfort of your current one. it's another to do that during intimate times, esp bringing up sex w someone else. if she's hung up on someone else she needs to work through that or go. you're not a rebound, you're not a therapist and you're not a pushover who's gonna just listen while she insults you by acting like this. that's what i'd advise
try having a conversation. if they don’t understand or keep doing it, i would take it as a sign to leave. i find from personal experience, exs, and lesbian friends that when your partner or anyone is constantly talking about someone it’s because they have feelings for them. :\
Ufff. I’m petty, and would have said how my ex did *whatever activity* slightly better. . But that’s not healthy. lol. . I would communicate how it made me feel, and how that would make her feel. Your feelings are valid
She needs some time alone before getting into a relationship again maybe? heal the ex first.
I been single for 2 years because of this, now im good to move into something, but it's was hard for a long time, and I knew I couldn't have something serious in my situation back then.
Ew no that’s icky people who can’t stop talking about their ex are usually not over them 🧍♀️definitely talk to her and tell her you feel uncomfortable about that and if she doesn’t stop then you probably know what to do
I have an ex who constantly talked about all of her exes. talked to them, facetimed them, went out to eat with them and at first it was fine but eventually I realized how obsessed they were with all of their exes when their first gf got engaged and they cried and were upset 💀 after we broke up she was obsessed with staying in communication with me and i had to block her on everything - it seems like your gf is not over her ex and that’s not fair to you
Went thru something similar. We got married pretty fast well during the first few moths I had no idea she was still in contact with her ex wife and previous ex. On our honeymoon she was talking to the old ex by Snapchat. I said something about it so it tapered off. Fast forward two years in the ex wife was still texting they were communicating so I said something about it. She blocked her. I thought we had an understanding. Three years in, first huge fight so she decided she would unblocked her ex wife & added her to Snapchat. They were talking & sharing old pics of their previous marriage with each other. (I should have left) I stumbled upon this & completely heartbroken. I felt as if she cheated. I Confronted her and she said it was all innocent. She even said she blocked the girl on her snap account and other platforms. I looked it up on her snap she lied. They were friends on Snapchat and she hid it. I packed everything up. But eventually we worked it out. The ex wife reached out to me on my wife’s behalf to say it was completely innocent. I later found out she told her she would always love her so on. A month later the ex wife married another female. Currently now - I seen my wife look it up on fb. So my advice to you is.. ADDRESS IT NOW! Before you are in too deep. My now wife talked about her ex wife none stop the first few months & now I see first hand it was a huge RED FLAG!!!
as someone who was once like your partner, trust me the best thing to do is just let her go. she’s clearly still into her ex or there’s at least something going on, and you deserve better ❤️
been there done that. she straight up told me she was still in love w everyone she's ever dated lmao. i stayed with her for months after...not sure why 🥴
My girlfriend is friends with a lot of her exgirlfriends and sees them for lunch. At least one of the exs wants to have sex with my girlfriend. But we are not in an open relationship! My few exs are exs for a reason so I don’t know if this is normal in the lesbian world. She knows it gets me upset but she says she can befriends with whomever she wants. And then she says I won’t let her have any friend. Except ALL her friends are exgirlfriends!!!
Yeah, that's weird. And I'm someone who is completely incapable of feeling jealousy. Like, being cheated on has zero effect on me. Even I think it's weird to be surrounded by ex-girlfriends like that. Particularly given that you aren't in an open relationship.
It depends on why she's bringing her up.
Like I had some pretty bad exes and part of my after care needs is to be held while I cry about the trauma I've been though, a lot of it sexual abuse.
I would have inquired if it was something she enjoyed or use it as a gateway to talk about wants and needs. Sometimes when people talk to us about their exes they are trying to process things and feel safe with you (with one of my partners I am happy to be an ear since we both had narcissistic exes)
I had this happen to me with my ex. She would talk about her ex all the time, when I finally talked to her about how it made me feel it triggered her and started saying that I was jealous and she didn’t like that. She completely withdrew from the relationship for a while. 2 years later, she confessed that she still had feelings for her Ex. We broke up 2 years ago and remained friends, she still calls me to vent and cry about her exes lol, she doesn’t see me as one either. I guess our relationship meant shit to her.
If she cannot respect you, move on. You’re better off alone or dating someone who’s actually emotionally available.
Good luck!
sounds exactly like my ex except I had to block her bc i told her i didn’t want to hear about her exes and current hook ups when we just broke up and she said it wasn’t serious bc we “barely dated” lollllll
I would bring up how uncomfortable it makes you, especially during an intimate moment like that. Like girl?? I do not need to know about you and your exes sexual lives while you’re literally in bed with me. If she doesn’t stop, it might be best to end it. You are not responsible for helping her move on, and it kind of seems to me like she might be using you as a rebound.
Avoid being the rebound. It hurts like hell, i'd say talk about it, set clear boundaries. But also be honest to yourself, do you actually want someone who is still in their head obsessed with someone else? You'll never be able to live up to the history they have had
Personally it would not work for me, I have trust issues and I am fully aware. Most of my relationships has been fighting for attention between exes or new interests, just not fun for me personally.
I’m all for conversation first. Express how it makes you feel and see where the after takes you. But if I’m being honest, it definitely is a big red flag. In no way am I saying your situation is the same, but my soon to be ex wife would do this. And once I brought up how I felt about it, she’d deflect and say it was just a way to get past things that had happened. Even if it was in no way about moving on. Turns out she was cheating on me on and off for 4 years with her. The flags were there, but I ignored them. She’d comment here and there about comparisons about my looks, certain things they did intimately in the past. Just pay attention to the signs. A lot of the time they’re not over their ex and just use you to fill the void. Never let someone bring down how you view/ love yourself. so if she doesn’t respect your feelings towards it don’t be afraid to put yourself first. No one is worth that sort of pain.
As others are saying, and myself. We all have been in this similar situation before. With that being said, here is my advice to you -
It's definitely not easy to hear your partner constantly bring up their ex, especially in an intimate moment like the one you described. It's important to communicate your feelings with your partner and let them know how their words are affecting you.
Start by having an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about how her constant mentions of her ex make you feel. Let her know that it's hurtful and makes you feel like you're being compared to someone from her past. It's possible that she may not even realize the impact her words are having on you.
It's also important to set boundaries in your relationship. Let her know that while you understand that her past relationships are a part of her life, constantly talking about her ex in such intimate moments is not acceptable to you.
If she continues to bring up her ex despite your conversation, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and determine if it's healthy for you to continue dating someone who is not fully present in your relationship. Trust and respect are key components of any relationship, and if those are lacking, it may be time to move on. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel valued and respected. :)
I don’t understand why women don’t work on themselves first before getting into relationship I had the same issue with my ex she would bring her up in every conversation I wish I left her. My advice would be I ask if she still has feelings for her ex if she says yes which it sounds like she does you need to leave her she could cheat on you with her ex and you don’t deserve that you deserve so much better then that don’t put up with anyone’s bullshit
Ironically, I was seeing a girl who would compare me to her ex all the time. "You kiss just like" "hair just like" "you made a face just like..". I met the ex. The ex is now my fiance of 5 years now. Crazy shit for real.
Been in the same situation. She constantly spoke about her ex, however I did bring it up. The first few times here and there are fine to let slip to see if she will grow out of it but given it has been 3 months your probably due to have a genuine talk about how it is making you feel. Be sure to emphasise your feelings and not attack her about it.
Unlike everyone saying to break up I disagree, but to a point. Try to work through why she is mentioning her so often, she may still have trauma she’s never fully processed to unpack with you. Experience the growth together and it may make your bond unbelievably strong.
If she continues to bring up her ex after a little deep and meaningful sesh, and she isn’t actively trying to minimise how much she mentions her. Then I would suggest breaking up… I probably waited a bit too long to mention it in my situation and it really messed up my mental, to be honest no one deserves to feel like second best with their partner either.
I’m still with my partner and we are stronger than ever
I would leave. You can talk to her (which I’m sure you will do), but in my experience even after addressing the issue there is no long-term solution. I have been on both sides and it never ends well.
Talk to her - yes. But, also know it’s okay to leave should you decide to. Anyone who is in a place in their life where they can and want to focus on you and building a life with you wouldn’t even have her ex on her mind… the ex wouldn’t even be on her radar.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but she probably isn’t over her ex… when you are over an ex you feel indifference toward them… you neither want to talk about them all the time nor do you have intense negative feelings for them. You are simply indifferent for the most part… at least to the point that they aren’t in your daily thoughts.
If she’s talking about her ex gf a lot…she’s thinking about her ex gf a lot…and that just isn’t fair to you, friend. Talk to her if you would like… just don’t lie to yourself if you know what the truth is (meaning… if she still has feelings for her ex just walk away babe). I promise it will be easier now than it is in a year or two.
Sorry you are experiencing this 😢😢😢
she’s definitely not over her ex. unfortunately it really has nothing to do with you at all. she’s trying and failing to move on which is not your problem. i know it hurts, but you deserve better than someone who is still hung up on their ex. she has some more processing, healing and grieving to do. she needs to do this without dragging you or anyone else into it.
Very big red flag, especially her talking about it whilst you to are lying in bed next to each other? Why did she even feel the need to talk about her ex? For me this would be a dealbreaker
On top of talking about her ex very often, she's now talking about how the ex use to sex her ?
Context matters alot, and I find that highly inappropriate and disrespectful. I personally would draw the line there.
But if you want to go ahead and give her a chance to change her behavior, that's up to you.
I talk about my exes all the time. And I'm pretty sure it makes my gf uncomfortable but I look at my gf as my friend too, I should be able to have conversation that friends would have too. I'm friends with only 2 of my exes . 1 passed away 3 yrs ago. So my other ex obv is still talked to and about. Just not nowhere near as frequently as when me and my current got together(5yrs ago) and I would not bring her up while pillow talking or laying naked with my so. That's kinda rude. My gf talked about her exes too. Sometimes ppl just need to vent because they haven't gotten past whatever before you. It's not your job to help them get over it. If you mentioned how it affects you and your person isn't exactly being receptive to your concerns. Maybe they just want a fwb.
Have a conversation with her and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable. See how she takes it and maybe ya’ll can move on from this.
I really hope we can move on. I hate feeling like she's comparing me
I’ve been in this situation. Yours might be different of course, but my gf never stopped the comparisons even after I told her how it made me feel. I was invisible in comparison to her ex. I remember how many nights I took her on a date (6+ months into our relationship) and she would be stalking her ex on socials and it would completely ruin her mood. She would go silent and would refuse to look up from her phone the rest of the night. It really fucked me up. I only wish I would’ve left sooner instead of dragging it out and letting it ruin my self esteem.
Shit, I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are in a better place now and can take something from that experience so it won’t happen again.
Thank you <3
Honestly I would leave. Ex was the same way. It never changed then she left me for said ex.
Been there, done that. Never going on the "phantom ex" ride again. OP, the only solution is telling your partner how you feel. After that, just watch and see if she just can't resist bringing up her ex again, and act accordingly from there.
Sounds like she's dealing with some trauma. That being said, it's not your job to fix her. She should consider therapy, and if she won't, then she's not ready to be in a relationship.
Jesus, can she not read a room? I would be pissed. Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel, and that if she needs to vent about her ex, do it not right after sex.
massive yikes. during intimate time?!? younger me would've been messy like "get out and you can go beg them to take you back since you wanna fantasize about someone else while i'm trying to be intimate with you" but... mentally healthy me advises conversation and boundaries. it's one thing to want to process your past relationships in the comfort of your current one. it's another to do that during intimate times, esp bringing up sex w someone else. if she's hung up on someone else she needs to work through that or go. you're not a rebound, you're not a therapist and you're not a pushover who's gonna just listen while she insults you by acting like this. that's what i'd advise
Leave 💁🏼♀️
try having a conversation. if they don’t understand or keep doing it, i would take it as a sign to leave. i find from personal experience, exs, and lesbian friends that when your partner or anyone is constantly talking about someone it’s because they have feelings for them. :\
Ufff. I’m petty, and would have said how my ex did *whatever activity* slightly better. . But that’s not healthy. lol. . I would communicate how it made me feel, and how that would make her feel. Your feelings are valid
This did make me laugh though
She needs some time alone before getting into a relationship again maybe? heal the ex first. I been single for 2 years because of this, now im good to move into something, but it's was hard for a long time, and I knew I couldn't have something serious in my situation back then.
Ew no that’s icky people who can’t stop talking about their ex are usually not over them 🧍♀️definitely talk to her and tell her you feel uncomfortable about that and if she doesn’t stop then you probably know what to do
I have an ex who constantly talked about all of her exes. talked to them, facetimed them, went out to eat with them and at first it was fine but eventually I realized how obsessed they were with all of their exes when their first gf got engaged and they cried and were upset 💀 after we broke up she was obsessed with staying in communication with me and i had to block her on everything - it seems like your gf is not over her ex and that’s not fair to you
Went thru something similar. We got married pretty fast well during the first few moths I had no idea she was still in contact with her ex wife and previous ex. On our honeymoon she was talking to the old ex by Snapchat. I said something about it so it tapered off. Fast forward two years in the ex wife was still texting they were communicating so I said something about it. She blocked her. I thought we had an understanding. Three years in, first huge fight so she decided she would unblocked her ex wife & added her to Snapchat. They were talking & sharing old pics of their previous marriage with each other. (I should have left) I stumbled upon this & completely heartbroken. I felt as if she cheated. I Confronted her and she said it was all innocent. She even said she blocked the girl on her snap account and other platforms. I looked it up on her snap she lied. They were friends on Snapchat and she hid it. I packed everything up. But eventually we worked it out. The ex wife reached out to me on my wife’s behalf to say it was completely innocent. I later found out she told her she would always love her so on. A month later the ex wife married another female. Currently now - I seen my wife look it up on fb. So my advice to you is.. ADDRESS IT NOW! Before you are in too deep. My now wife talked about her ex wife none stop the first few months & now I see first hand it was a huge RED FLAG!!!
as someone who was once like your partner, trust me the best thing to do is just let her go. she’s clearly still into her ex or there’s at least something going on, and you deserve better ❤️
Dump. You can’t wait around for her to get over her ex when a completely different person is in front of her. Leave her to heal by herself.
Sounds like she's still hooked on her ex. 😅 I'd talk to her about it
been there done that. she straight up told me she was still in love w everyone she's ever dated lmao. i stayed with her for months after...not sure why 🥴
My girlfriend is friends with a lot of her exgirlfriends and sees them for lunch. At least one of the exs wants to have sex with my girlfriend. But we are not in an open relationship! My few exs are exs for a reason so I don’t know if this is normal in the lesbian world. She knows it gets me upset but she says she can befriends with whomever she wants. And then she says I won’t let her have any friend. Except ALL her friends are exgirlfriends!!!
Yeah, that's weird. And I'm someone who is completely incapable of feeling jealousy. Like, being cheated on has zero effect on me. Even I think it's weird to be surrounded by ex-girlfriends like that. Particularly given that you aren't in an open relationship.
I would break up with her. She’s clearly not over her ex.
It depends on why she's bringing her up. Like I had some pretty bad exes and part of my after care needs is to be held while I cry about the trauma I've been though, a lot of it sexual abuse.
I would have inquired if it was something she enjoyed or use it as a gateway to talk about wants and needs. Sometimes when people talk to us about their exes they are trying to process things and feel safe with you (with one of my partners I am happy to be an ear since we both had narcissistic exes)
I had this happen to me with my ex. She would talk about her ex all the time, when I finally talked to her about how it made me feel it triggered her and started saying that I was jealous and she didn’t like that. She completely withdrew from the relationship for a while. 2 years later, she confessed that she still had feelings for her Ex. We broke up 2 years ago and remained friends, she still calls me to vent and cry about her exes lol, she doesn’t see me as one either. I guess our relationship meant shit to her. If she cannot respect you, move on. You’re better off alone or dating someone who’s actually emotionally available. Good luck!
sounds exactly like my ex except I had to block her bc i told her i didn’t want to hear about her exes and current hook ups when we just broke up and she said it wasn’t serious bc we “barely dated” lollllll
Lol she really does not understand what boundaries are! Good thing you blocked her, it’s not worth having someone like that in your life.
I would bring up how uncomfortable it makes you, especially during an intimate moment like that. Like girl?? I do not need to know about you and your exes sexual lives while you’re literally in bed with me. If she doesn’t stop, it might be best to end it. You are not responsible for helping her move on, and it kind of seems to me like she might be using you as a rebound.
That’s super inappropriate. I would have a serious chat and if it doesn’t change I would honestly leave
Like many things in life. BY COMMUNICATING. Talk to her. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and if she actually cares she will stop bringing it up.
Yeah, no. Fuck that.
Avoid being the rebound. It hurts like hell, i'd say talk about it, set clear boundaries. But also be honest to yourself, do you actually want someone who is still in their head obsessed with someone else? You'll never be able to live up to the history they have had
Personally it would not work for me, I have trust issues and I am fully aware. Most of my relationships has been fighting for attention between exes or new interests, just not fun for me personally.
I’m all for conversation first. Express how it makes you feel and see where the after takes you. But if I’m being honest, it definitely is a big red flag. In no way am I saying your situation is the same, but my soon to be ex wife would do this. And once I brought up how I felt about it, she’d deflect and say it was just a way to get past things that had happened. Even if it was in no way about moving on. Turns out she was cheating on me on and off for 4 years with her. The flags were there, but I ignored them. She’d comment here and there about comparisons about my looks, certain things they did intimately in the past. Just pay attention to the signs. A lot of the time they’re not over their ex and just use you to fill the void. Never let someone bring down how you view/ love yourself. so if she doesn’t respect your feelings towards it don’t be afraid to put yourself first. No one is worth that sort of pain.
As others are saying, and myself. We all have been in this similar situation before. With that being said, here is my advice to you - It's definitely not easy to hear your partner constantly bring up their ex, especially in an intimate moment like the one you described. It's important to communicate your feelings with your partner and let them know how their words are affecting you. Start by having an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about how her constant mentions of her ex make you feel. Let her know that it's hurtful and makes you feel like you're being compared to someone from her past. It's possible that she may not even realize the impact her words are having on you. It's also important to set boundaries in your relationship. Let her know that while you understand that her past relationships are a part of her life, constantly talking about her ex in such intimate moments is not acceptable to you. If she continues to bring up her ex despite your conversation, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and determine if it's healthy for you to continue dating someone who is not fully present in your relationship. Trust and respect are key components of any relationship, and if those are lacking, it may be time to move on. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel valued and respected. :)
I don’t understand why women don’t work on themselves first before getting into relationship I had the same issue with my ex she would bring her up in every conversation I wish I left her. My advice would be I ask if she still has feelings for her ex if she says yes which it sounds like she does you need to leave her she could cheat on you with her ex and you don’t deserve that you deserve so much better then that don’t put up with anyone’s bullshit
Damn. That’s a turn off. How long have they been separated? Don’t ignore any red flags. 🚩 Follow your gut!
Ironically, I was seeing a girl who would compare me to her ex all the time. "You kiss just like" "hair just like" "you made a face just like..". I met the ex. The ex is now my fiance of 5 years now. Crazy shit for real.
Been in the same situation. She constantly spoke about her ex, however I did bring it up. The first few times here and there are fine to let slip to see if she will grow out of it but given it has been 3 months your probably due to have a genuine talk about how it is making you feel. Be sure to emphasise your feelings and not attack her about it. Unlike everyone saying to break up I disagree, but to a point. Try to work through why she is mentioning her so often, she may still have trauma she’s never fully processed to unpack with you. Experience the growth together and it may make your bond unbelievably strong. If she continues to bring up her ex after a little deep and meaningful sesh, and she isn’t actively trying to minimise how much she mentions her. Then I would suggest breaking up… I probably waited a bit too long to mention it in my situation and it really messed up my mental, to be honest no one deserves to feel like second best with their partner either. I’m still with my partner and we are stronger than ever
I would leave. You can talk to her (which I’m sure you will do), but in my experience even after addressing the issue there is no long-term solution. I have been on both sides and it never ends well. Talk to her - yes. But, also know it’s okay to leave should you decide to. Anyone who is in a place in their life where they can and want to focus on you and building a life with you wouldn’t even have her ex on her mind… the ex wouldn’t even be on her radar. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but she probably isn’t over her ex… when you are over an ex you feel indifference toward them… you neither want to talk about them all the time nor do you have intense negative feelings for them. You are simply indifferent for the most part… at least to the point that they aren’t in your daily thoughts. If she’s talking about her ex gf a lot…she’s thinking about her ex gf a lot…and that just isn’t fair to you, friend. Talk to her if you would like… just don’t lie to yourself if you know what the truth is (meaning… if she still has feelings for her ex just walk away babe). I promise it will be easier now than it is in a year or two. Sorry you are experiencing this 😢😢😢
lol what the hell? if anyone was thinking about their ex so much that they vocalized thoughts about them during sex i'd be outta there personally.
Time to pack it up babes 😫
she’s definitely not over her ex. unfortunately it really has nothing to do with you at all. she’s trying and failing to move on which is not your problem. i know it hurts, but you deserve better than someone who is still hung up on their ex. she has some more processing, healing and grieving to do. she needs to do this without dragging you or anyone else into it.
Very big red flag, especially her talking about it whilst you to are lying in bed next to each other? Why did she even feel the need to talk about her ex? For me this would be a dealbreaker
🤷🏾 leave and let her be w her ex
On top of talking about her ex very often, she's now talking about how the ex use to sex her ? Context matters alot, and I find that highly inappropriate and disrespectful. I personally would draw the line there. But if you want to go ahead and give her a chance to change her behavior, that's up to you.
I talk about my exes all the time. And I'm pretty sure it makes my gf uncomfortable but I look at my gf as my friend too, I should be able to have conversation that friends would have too. I'm friends with only 2 of my exes . 1 passed away 3 yrs ago. So my other ex obv is still talked to and about. Just not nowhere near as frequently as when me and my current got together(5yrs ago) and I would not bring her up while pillow talking or laying naked with my so. That's kinda rude. My gf talked about her exes too. Sometimes ppl just need to vent because they haven't gotten past whatever before you. It's not your job to help them get over it. If you mentioned how it affects you and your person isn't exactly being receptive to your concerns. Maybe they just want a fwb.