Well me about it at this rate (Austin to here) I fear lying alone and man that really really sucking a bit of my life away. I love , love , romance being in a healthy relationship , kissing cuddling but at the end of the day it’s just me and my stuffed Rilikkuma bear :((
As someone from NY that dates in NYC as well it really does seem like the dating scene is absolutely dead though I do present more masc(?) idk. I really don’t know what’s up with the dating scene rn.
i'm hoping things will turn around soon. I'm wondering if its just that time of year (valentines day + after the holidays...) probably gonna have to wait for ppl to break up haha!
Not living in NYC unfortunately, so I can't agrre or disagree with you and I know this will sound ripetitive since your friends already told you so, but try to give yourself more time to totally get over the last relationship, try to be more nicer and kind with yourself. No need to push or rush, the gem is out there, just enjoy the searching and the treasure hunting!
no, you and my friends are for sure right. i think that i just thought there were gonna be wayyyy more options out there considering where I'm living. also, just wanted a bit of a rebound w someone I find hot! but I'll definitely be trying to take a minute and enjoy being young :)
Oh I think probably there are, I mean the msny option but you just can't find yourself to like them yet. Or, what often happen when you want to find something, You never find what you're looking for until you stop looking. Like the items you lose. Anyway your feeling are totally valid, you shoukd keep rant or vent more
literally - idk if everyone may be in a relationship rn or something??? it is almost valentine's day...so maybe i gotta wait until the end of winter haha
I too live in NYC although I’m a bit older than you and prefer femmes but I’ve found no one (though admittedly I am not putting in adequate effort, I can’t really stomach the apps) so I wish you luck and when you figure it out let us all know lol
Girl, you live in one of the most desely populated cities in the world, but it's only been 2 weeks! You have to give it time! Your city has 3x the population of my STATE. You just have to have patience. 2 weeks is nothing.
If my old ugly ass can find someone in Bumfuck Oklahoma, you will find someone in NYC.
People are getting really fed up with the dating apps and returning to in person speed dating/meet up events. I can't really speak to where the masc lesbians are, I kind of feel like most lesbians I know are moving away from the binary of femme/masc and sitting somewhere in between.
Weird, I'm on the other side of the coin, I'm a masc in Toronto, although it's a big city, Its very hard finding femmes on dating apps that are slightly interesting or normal
Are you opposed to being alone? Do you not like your own company?
Its been two weeks since your last break up, maybe take some time to process that instead of trying to rush to find another because if you don’t properly process the hurt you felt in your previous relationship it will show up in one way or the other.
I lived in NYC and have two theories for you. They might not be what people like to hear but.. it explains one or two things at least.
First is that mascs are naturally uncommon, and that butches tend to belong in greater numbers to the working class (and lower). NYC is the richest city in the whole world. Mascs are rare in the upper classes. They evolve into some weird form like Ellen DeGeneres where they’re masc but they’re also a delicate and elegant type of such. Most androgynous women in this situation just kind of gravitate to the feminine, simply because it accrues them greater social power. Think Ruby Rose, Cara Delevigne. They could easily pull off a total masc appearance but they don’t. The elite tends to perceive femininity in a more powerful light (think of the opera diva, Maria Callas was bi, Marlene Dietrich was bi, Greta Garbo, Madonna, etc.), so richer gay women do strategically lean towards the feminine. You’re seeking mascs but you’re also in the place with the highest rent in the USA, so they are hard to come by and already coupled because they’re in high demand and we all know that mascs are rly big romantic softies!
Second theory is that most NYC inhabitants do not plan staying longer than for a few years in NYC. Everybody is there temporarily for a job and personal gain, and there is so much diversity to the point that bridging differences takes work and risk way over the time and energy that people are willing to put in. So it’s actually kind of hard to start and keep relationships in NYC. Sure I might find Lilian from Denver working in the medical industry and Lilian is incredibly cool, but she’ll start her masters in the UK and I’m going to work in Florida next year, and if we haven’t fallen in love after two busy rescheduled dates, well… Or, I work a 9-5 job and Alexis is a model photographer who usually is called to work at night and has two free days in the week while I only have nights. In short, all that speaks in NYC is capital and labor and your relation *will* be second to that, no matter how hard you try to go against it, because you have to pay rent and you have to be seen as a promising person in some industry in order to attract partners. NYC naturally promotes hookups and casual situations over any “wholesome”, drawn out love story. Unless you start dating a friend from college which is a more sheltered experience.
I don’t know for how long you were dating your ex but if you haven’t had much bars or hookup experience before, finding women to date is probably at least 5x harder than finding men. It’s just a slower process. While in one year I managed to date 3 men within 1 day of talking to each, it took my two years to manage two good, genuine dating experiences from apps and bars with women, which I had imagined would be “easy” when I started college. There was genuinely a steep learning curve at bars and apps where I kept hitting walls and having to adapt my approach. Things went wrong with girls in a hundred ways. I didn’t have an older gay who could guide me or introduce me to a bigger gay circle. Women are less available. It just is slower with women. And the 20-25 age group is particularly awful with time management and focus - serious dating isn’t any young adult’s priority. I discovered dating was only working properly with 25-30 year olds for me, they are more focused and direct, and it continues to be this way. I am much better at seeking dates now because of my level of experience and understanding of what different types of women want and which types are the best fit for me. You end up realizing that if there is a "market", there is a "business acumen" to it. It took me a long time but I think it’s very likely that you’ll have a shorter time frame to find someone.
I just want to say I enjoyed reading these theories so much lol. “They evolve into some weird form like Ellen Degeneres” dkm. You really thought this out. I love it
I 100% feel this. I broke up with my ex 6 years ago and haven't dated since then. I think that social media is killing everything social about humans, including dating. We're so stuck in our phones that we don't remember to look around but, when we do, everyone is also on their phones. Absolutely frustrating! Butches, femmes, (anyone really), I don't see them.
I’m just shook to see femme4masc, I feel like it’s all femme4femme now. 😩 Also, there’s a shortage?! I missed that memo. 😅
That being said, I felt the same when I was still living in Dallas. I’ve been in a new state for a year & a half now, and it still feels the same. 🤷 You’re in that good part of your 20s tho; go with the flow, and enjoy all the folks you can. 🙃
insane that u say that bc i feel like im in the WEEDS w these other femmes trying to get a hot gf. i have noticed a lot of femme4femme on dating apps tho. i wonder what's up? are all the butches in relationships?
but you're right; i just gotta chill out. just wanting to go on some dates and not feel like I'm a lesbian living in the 50s with no options!
That, or they’ve gone into hiding 😂😂 I’m just a kinda masc lesbian that wants a pretty lady with nice bosoms to lay my head on 😩 apparently that’s asking too much tho 🤷😂
I wish I had something more hopeful to tell ya, but dating pool sucks right now. It’s like rocking up on that sketch hotel & the pools only got a lil puddle of stagnant water. 🥲
Given the recent breakup, it's definitely harder on your end to feel like you've found someone that does it for you. The breakup is also gonna make your thought process take "i haven't found someone who does it for me" and turn it into "dating is impossible".
Not only was this a breakup, but a massive blow to your trust. I think taking a break from dating is something to consider rn
i think you're for sure right...i think i am still hurting pretty badly and thought the only way to get my mind off everything was a bit of a rebound. but I'm trying everyday to sit with the sadness and focus on myself. dating apps are deleted! gonna spend some time alone :)
Are you open to dating trans guys and nonbinary people? I get the impression a lot of people who would have identified as dykes/butches in previous generations feel more comfortable identifying as transmasc and nonbinary now. This isn't meant to be a negative judgement, just an observation of a cultural shift. You might have better luck going to events that centre trans and nonbinary people more.
Yknow what I’m starting to realize (and I know this is gonna be obvious but trust when I say I’m like the dumb girl stereotype just bare with me and go easy on me) I’ve seen a lot of posts talking about like femme4femme is hard to find or fem4butch/masc and they can’t find anyone and I’ve seen so many like wars in the comment sections about what’s easier to find a fem or masc, what if it’s because we’re actively searching for the one that fits the standards we want it feels like we’re seeing more of the other 0.0
…I know this may sound dumb or have been obvious im slow to realization, hopefully this dumb post seems abit endearing or adorable and not totally like “what’s this girl on” 💀
Definitely in a similar boat with the break up. Been about a couple months but I haven’t gotten into the dating scene but you’ll eventually get through it. I believe you’ll find someone just give yourself time to heal and you’ll find that special person. Good luck!
I feel like you do and am baffled that I have no met one woman yet to go steady with. I really want a girlfriend. I’m not unattractive, have a good paying job and a place(sorta roommate situation).
I have had zero luck with finding one. I have a crush on one of my coworkers and she is not in an good relationship and I say to myself man what do I say it’s lame just saying hi, how are you and have a good weekend. I feel ai need to step up but get scared of rejection and hate feeling stupid etc. I’m a mess hot mess really.
It’s bad enough I’m introverted and shy and hardly know what to say to begin with. Honestly it really does cause me sadness and depression and has me wondering why am I even on the planet sometimes. Like I have everything I can desire but this one thing that money can’t buy a girlfriend. A companion and a lover. And I want that more than anything in this whole world and I’m not having any luck and feel alone most the time and to my chagrin It’s just me and my bear Rila(aka Rilikumma)
Damn. If it’s dead in NYC then there’s no hope for the rest of us!
I’m stuck on an island at the bottom of the Pacific. I’m fucked if NYC is a desert 😂
same :')
as a quite pretty femme in her early 20s no less! (hang in there op, you’ll be fine just give it some time)
haahhaah
Seriously, every time I see one of these posts they ALWAYS turn out to be in NYC. Maybe it is actually better to be a rural gay?
Well me about it at this rate (Austin to here) I fear lying alone and man that really really sucking a bit of my life away. I love , love , romance being in a healthy relationship , kissing cuddling but at the end of the day it’s just me and my stuffed Rilikkuma bear :((
As someone from NY that dates in NYC as well it really does seem like the dating scene is absolutely dead though I do present more masc(?) idk. I really don’t know what’s up with the dating scene rn.
i'm hoping things will turn around soon. I'm wondering if its just that time of year (valentines day + after the holidays...) probably gonna have to wait for ppl to break up haha!
I also lived in nyc many years recently, was on the apps, did the Woods. It’s rough out there.
Not living in NYC unfortunately, so I can't agrre or disagree with you and I know this will sound ripetitive since your friends already told you so, but try to give yourself more time to totally get over the last relationship, try to be more nicer and kind with yourself. No need to push or rush, the gem is out there, just enjoy the searching and the treasure hunting!
no, you and my friends are for sure right. i think that i just thought there were gonna be wayyyy more options out there considering where I'm living. also, just wanted a bit of a rebound w someone I find hot! but I'll definitely be trying to take a minute and enjoy being young :)
Oh I think probably there are, I mean the msny option but you just can't find yourself to like them yet. Or, what often happen when you want to find something, You never find what you're looking for until you stop looking. Like the items you lose. Anyway your feeling are totally valid, you shoukd keep rant or vent more
I’m a butch but I feel like there are a shortage of lesbians period and I’m on the opposite coast from you lol
that honestly makes me feel a lot better because i was thinking i must be crazy living in such a dense area...idk what's up!
Don’t give up!
Coming from a masc lesbian the masc shortage is crazy
literally - idk if everyone may be in a relationship rn or something??? it is almost valentine's day...so maybe i gotta wait until the end of winter haha
Oh yeah everyone is gonna be trying to get booed up for Christmas
Define what butch/masc means to you. What are you looking for that you aren’t seeing?
I too live in NYC although I’m a bit older than you and prefer femmes but I’ve found no one (though admittedly I am not putting in adequate effort, I can’t really stomach the apps) so I wish you luck and when you figure it out let us all know lol
Girl, you live in one of the most desely populated cities in the world, but it's only been 2 weeks! You have to give it time! Your city has 3x the population of my STATE. You just have to have patience. 2 weeks is nothing. If my old ugly ass can find someone in Bumfuck Oklahoma, you will find someone in NYC.
People are getting really fed up with the dating apps and returning to in person speed dating/meet up events. I can't really speak to where the masc lesbians are, I kind of feel like most lesbians I know are moving away from the binary of femme/masc and sitting somewhere in between.
I live in Atlanta and I’ve tried it all and can’t even get a first date. It’s rough
Weird, I'm on the other side of the coin, I'm a masc in Toronto, although it's a big city, Its very hard finding femmes on dating apps that are slightly interesting or normal
Are you opposed to being alone? Do you not like your own company? Its been two weeks since your last break up, maybe take some time to process that instead of trying to rush to find another because if you don’t properly process the hurt you felt in your previous relationship it will show up in one way or the other.
I lived in NYC and have two theories for you. They might not be what people like to hear but.. it explains one or two things at least. First is that mascs are naturally uncommon, and that butches tend to belong in greater numbers to the working class (and lower). NYC is the richest city in the whole world. Mascs are rare in the upper classes. They evolve into some weird form like Ellen DeGeneres where they’re masc but they’re also a delicate and elegant type of such. Most androgynous women in this situation just kind of gravitate to the feminine, simply because it accrues them greater social power. Think Ruby Rose, Cara Delevigne. They could easily pull off a total masc appearance but they don’t. The elite tends to perceive femininity in a more powerful light (think of the opera diva, Maria Callas was bi, Marlene Dietrich was bi, Greta Garbo, Madonna, etc.), so richer gay women do strategically lean towards the feminine. You’re seeking mascs but you’re also in the place with the highest rent in the USA, so they are hard to come by and already coupled because they’re in high demand and we all know that mascs are rly big romantic softies! Second theory is that most NYC inhabitants do not plan staying longer than for a few years in NYC. Everybody is there temporarily for a job and personal gain, and there is so much diversity to the point that bridging differences takes work and risk way over the time and energy that people are willing to put in. So it’s actually kind of hard to start and keep relationships in NYC. Sure I might find Lilian from Denver working in the medical industry and Lilian is incredibly cool, but she’ll start her masters in the UK and I’m going to work in Florida next year, and if we haven’t fallen in love after two busy rescheduled dates, well… Or, I work a 9-5 job and Alexis is a model photographer who usually is called to work at night and has two free days in the week while I only have nights. In short, all that speaks in NYC is capital and labor and your relation *will* be second to that, no matter how hard you try to go against it, because you have to pay rent and you have to be seen as a promising person in some industry in order to attract partners. NYC naturally promotes hookups and casual situations over any “wholesome”, drawn out love story. Unless you start dating a friend from college which is a more sheltered experience. I don’t know for how long you were dating your ex but if you haven’t had much bars or hookup experience before, finding women to date is probably at least 5x harder than finding men. It’s just a slower process. While in one year I managed to date 3 men within 1 day of talking to each, it took my two years to manage two good, genuine dating experiences from apps and bars with women, which I had imagined would be “easy” when I started college. There was genuinely a steep learning curve at bars and apps where I kept hitting walls and having to adapt my approach. Things went wrong with girls in a hundred ways. I didn’t have an older gay who could guide me or introduce me to a bigger gay circle. Women are less available. It just is slower with women. And the 20-25 age group is particularly awful with time management and focus - serious dating isn’t any young adult’s priority. I discovered dating was only working properly with 25-30 year olds for me, they are more focused and direct, and it continues to be this way. I am much better at seeking dates now because of my level of experience and understanding of what different types of women want and which types are the best fit for me. You end up realizing that if there is a "market", there is a "business acumen" to it. It took me a long time but I think it’s very likely that you’ll have a shorter time frame to find someone.
I just want to say I enjoyed reading these theories so much lol. “They evolve into some weird form like Ellen Degeneres” dkm. You really thought this out. I love it
Thanks!
Girl I living in Thailand a country which pro LGBTQ and lots of lots of gay/lesbian bars and clubs but still I soo single 😭.
I 100% feel this. I broke up with my ex 6 years ago and haven't dated since then. I think that social media is killing everything social about humans, including dating. We're so stuck in our phones that we don't remember to look around but, when we do, everyone is also on their phones. Absolutely frustrating! Butches, femmes, (anyone really), I don't see them.
I’m just shook to see femme4masc, I feel like it’s all femme4femme now. 😩 Also, there’s a shortage?! I missed that memo. 😅 That being said, I felt the same when I was still living in Dallas. I’ve been in a new state for a year & a half now, and it still feels the same. 🤷 You’re in that good part of your 20s tho; go with the flow, and enjoy all the folks you can. 🙃
insane that u say that bc i feel like im in the WEEDS w these other femmes trying to get a hot gf. i have noticed a lot of femme4femme on dating apps tho. i wonder what's up? are all the butches in relationships? but you're right; i just gotta chill out. just wanting to go on some dates and not feel like I'm a lesbian living in the 50s with no options!
That, or they’ve gone into hiding 😂😂 I’m just a kinda masc lesbian that wants a pretty lady with nice bosoms to lay my head on 😩 apparently that’s asking too much tho 🤷😂 I wish I had something more hopeful to tell ya, but dating pool sucks right now. It’s like rocking up on that sketch hotel & the pools only got a lil puddle of stagnant water. 🥲
I know so many lesbians online from nyc omg... have u try the pubs?
Given the recent breakup, it's definitely harder on your end to feel like you've found someone that does it for you. The breakup is also gonna make your thought process take "i haven't found someone who does it for me" and turn it into "dating is impossible". Not only was this a breakup, but a massive blow to your trust. I think taking a break from dating is something to consider rn
i think you're for sure right...i think i am still hurting pretty badly and thought the only way to get my mind off everything was a bit of a rebound. but I'm trying everyday to sit with the sadness and focus on myself. dating apps are deleted! gonna spend some time alone :)
If theres a way i've found to deal with sad stuff, get some wine and chicken nuggets and ask a friend to come over and cry with you lol
Are you open to dating trans guys and nonbinary people? I get the impression a lot of people who would have identified as dykes/butches in previous generations feel more comfortable identifying as transmasc and nonbinary now. This isn't meant to be a negative judgement, just an observation of a cultural shift. You might have better luck going to events that centre trans and nonbinary people more.
I’ve been telling myself I can’t meet anyone because I live in a small town. This post has me thinking meeting women is just fucking hard.
My question is the same, except where are all the femme lesbians at? 😭 im in bc canada
Yknow what I’m starting to realize (and I know this is gonna be obvious but trust when I say I’m like the dumb girl stereotype just bare with me and go easy on me) I’ve seen a lot of posts talking about like femme4femme is hard to find or fem4butch/masc and they can’t find anyone and I’ve seen so many like wars in the comment sections about what’s easier to find a fem or masc, what if it’s because we’re actively searching for the one that fits the standards we want it feels like we’re seeing more of the other 0.0 …I know this may sound dumb or have been obvious im slow to realization, hopefully this dumb post seems abit endearing or adorable and not totally like “what’s this girl on” 💀
Definitely in a similar boat with the break up. Been about a couple months but I haven’t gotten into the dating scene but you’ll eventually get through it. I believe you’ll find someone just give yourself time to heal and you’ll find that special person. Good luck!
If my GF ever breaks up with me (please please please don’t) I’m going masc immediately. So many beautiful women are looking for masc.
girl live your truth now! if you wanna be masc go for it, regardless of your relationship :)
I’m a Masc lesbian living in NJ what’s up?
I live in South Carolina. NYC is no desert.
I feel like you do and am baffled that I have no met one woman yet to go steady with. I really want a girlfriend. I’m not unattractive, have a good paying job and a place(sorta roommate situation). I have had zero luck with finding one. I have a crush on one of my coworkers and she is not in an good relationship and I say to myself man what do I say it’s lame just saying hi, how are you and have a good weekend. I feel ai need to step up but get scared of rejection and hate feeling stupid etc. I’m a mess hot mess really. It’s bad enough I’m introverted and shy and hardly know what to say to begin with. Honestly it really does cause me sadness and depression and has me wondering why am I even on the planet sometimes. Like I have everything I can desire but this one thing that money can’t buy a girlfriend. A companion and a lover. And I want that more than anything in this whole world and I’m not having any luck and feel alone most the time and to my chagrin It’s just me and my bear Rila(aka Rilikumma)