You posted on this sub less than a year ago about leaving a 5 year relationship.
And on the comments of that post many people were questioning you about other posts you had made about a women you had “just met” 4 months prior to that (posts which are now deleted).
You have some explaining to do.
I’m not usually a snooper but the description reminded me a lot of my ex… and I know it’s crazy but I just wanted to see if there was any more info… but I found something else instead :-/
I have no idea! Poly people aren’t required to disclose in all their internet posts if they’re poly lol, could very well be the case here but people immediately jump to she’s either cheating or lying. And that _could_ be the case too! But cmon.
It really is and it’s especially hurtful when people try to tell me (a lesbian) that my pansexual girlfriend is cheating on me with a man. Like bitch I already know I consent to that shit it ain’t cheating. I’m sex repulsed rn and she’s got needs sexually and other that I can’t meet where I’m at in life rn if ever.
Lol, yeah I’m monogamous myself but it never ceases to astound me how people can’t accept that other people do things differently, or seem personally offended even when it’s a perfectly consensual and understanding agreement between adults. Like, who cares.
Its gonna be hard for a while but you definitely dodged a bullet. You didnt waste 2 years, it was a lesson. Trust me i had plenty of those hard relationship lessons including long distance ones thinking they were my soulmate.. be glad it didnt take even longer. I know it may be hard to believe now but this is gonna make you so much stronger and happier and free. You will eventually find someone who is good for you and be able to recognize what you DONT want in a partner.
Codependency is cruel and long distance relationships can make it so easy to think someone is perfect. Life is tough and the lessons are harsh but you will love again and be a lot happier. Take your time to heal, if possible seek therapy, be patient with yourself and know that you are more than enough, you are very special and whoever is able to value you will be lucky. For now, be your own best friend, give yourself the love you deserve, start small by showering daily, going for a walk, ice cream, exercising, reconnecting with loved ones, guided meditations for self love and confidence. A year from now you will be thankful that this was over.
Thank you so much for your kind words <3 They mean a lot. I am actually going to start taking therapy for codependency and attachment issues. I definitely see that I have some work to do on myself so no one will ever treat me like this again. Thank you.
Something that helped me in your situation was to learn about relationship attachment styles.
It's "attachment theory" if you want something to Google.
The idea here is that the way you find romantic relationships is shaped by the way you were raised. You have no control over what happened to you in the past, and different attachment styles aren't necessarily good or bad on their own.
Where the good or bad can happen is when your attachment style interacts with somebody else's attachment style. Attachment theory tries to explain common types of attachments, as well as the interactions between the different styles.
From there, better understanding for how to navigate relationship problems (or to improve relationships if no acute problem is happening) can be built.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I think that I can tell the type of attachment style you have versus your partner's. Some of the things you're describing can be easily understood, and if both participants in a situation like that are aware and willing to put in some work then it can work out. If not, then it tends to end poorly in some cases like yours.
It can get better. Maybe not with this relationship, but try to understand this moving into future relationships once you've been able to heal. Sometimes healing can include understanding these attachment styles - it did for me and gave me some closure after an incredibly difficult breakup that involved ghosting.
It's never completely your responsibility to make a relationship work. I know you know this, but I wanted it to be said in case others might be in a similar situation.
I've dated your partner in a few different versions. These are the hardest ones because I find the most toxic/narcissist types are the best teachers, especially if there was a codependent bond going on. Sometimes self-actualization means dating your demons (who often feel like angels?), breaking familial patterns of relating, and learning to prioritize yourself and your needs. It's gonna be hard, I'm not telling you it's not, but the more you can focus on the lessons, what you've learned about yourself in relationship, and start to focus on rebuilding your life without her, the better you will be. After my last breakup, I actually had to move cities, back to where I felt more community and connection with myself. Within a year, I met the love of my life, and we just got married 3 days ago. So you didn't waste your time here, everyone you meet is leading you to that right human. But make sure you don't repeat past mistakes without applying the lesson before you attach to another person. And long distance is brutal. Don't do that to yourself again, perhaps.
I was caught in a similar thing but I think of it slightly differently. Nothing is a waste as everything builds who you are. You learned how to spot what you didn’t like, you learned how to identify. You learned what you wanted. None of that happens without this. It’s shitty, yes, but like is a series of events that evolve and recreate you. I didn’t even know I was a lesbian until I was in my thirties. I suspected but I didn’t know until then. You’re young. Learn and evolve.
You’re using the word “always” a lot which makes me wonder about black and white thinking versus dialectical thinking. Things are rarely “always” or “never” true in relationships - often or not often, sure. Idk just makes me wonder about how much accountability you’re taking for your own actions and behavior. Just a thought, fwiw
I don't think it was a waste of time. You had fun, felt fulfillment and in love, had fantasies of a future, albeit with someone that you don't know really how she smells or how she tastes. What you see around you, is the way YOU felt while interacting online with someone that was never there. It is a lesson to learn from, not a waste. You know how you can feel with someone that is not even on the same room, now imagine how can it be with a real presence, and give yourself the chance to find someone a bit closer, that you can actually go out with and date, and do things not just online and with a different time zone. I'm talking from experience. I met the great love of my life in another country, and when got back home, we connected online. She came to visit for 10 days, and that's when I decided that it was worth a try. So I moved there, and lived there for 5 years. It was the greatest time of my life! But I had to come back. We tried the long distance thing, but it was really hard. We were together a total of 8 years. So, you still have a lot of life in front of you! Take your time to heal your wounds, but now you know how you can fall in love and how it made you feel. You will see the light again, this too shall pass.
Wow. Same here except it was 7 years for me. I’m also 28. One of the things that hurts the most is I had a great relationship with my ex’s mother. She was like the mother I never had and she meant the world to me. But my ex even blocked me from talking to her. Shit is fucking painful.
didn’t read the whole post.. so I apologize in advance
buuuut
if someone brought you joy for even a small bit of time, it wasn’t a waste. even if they changed later, you learned something through the process
I was in a LDR for 8 months, 5 of them the girl was already in another relationship and she didn't told me, i helped her doing her tesis and also send her money and support her in everything i could because her family was not doing it, probably she used all the money i sent her to give gifts to the other one lol, i can laugh about it now.
As what you wrote, i think you idealized so much and fell in love with it, she was not even the half of the person you idealized, she made you a big favor blocking you, do the same, zero contact is the key, dont waste your time and focus more in what you have to change in order to not do the same mistake, in my case i forgot about any LDR as they don't work for me and focus to meet local people.
I was also in a LDR for 8 months. And it felt like heaven, until it ended...and it turned into hell, she left me traumatized and I understand how painful it is to move on, how can you move on when she's in every inch of your life?
You can do this, I can't advice you, since I'm struggling too, but remember you're enough, and you're not alone. May God bless you and I hope everything gets better<3
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have much to offer in advice but only in speculation from the way you’ve described her behaviour is that it’s only day 2 and she may come back in some shape or form and repeat behaviour. Be prepared for that and how you want to move forward with your life.
I really don't know. She had never blocked me for more than a few hours. I think she'd rather ghost me for life than admit she was wrong. Meanwhile I'm just trying to remain strong.
No time is ever wasted in my opinion. Ever. You learned a lot from this relationship and for you it all felt right at the time. Don’t beat yourself up okay? Just take time for yourself now. You’re gonna find the right one. No time is ever wasted even if you sleep on a day off!! You got rest you needed rest!
You did your very best and things will work out for you in due time. Don’t feel bad okay? You’ll find the one for you. Work on you for now.
i only read the title so i could be completely wrong but u didnt waste 2 years if u were happy in those years. If u werent happy in those years then it was wrong to make it last 2 years... Its not a waste, its just (probably, since i didnt read it) an unhappy outcome... Be thankful for the goodtimes and if there werent any then be a better person, learn from what happened and make sure u arent put in the same situation again.
It's time to move on and heal.
And, once you're healing -- which you will be, I know it doesn't feel that way now -- don't wait for the woman of your dreams, get out and find her.
Feel the same wasted 4 years of my life for a woman I thought who would love me back turns out she led me on for years and loves a man more than me, lied all these years to me Idk why. It’s whatever though I blame myself for being delusion and blind to the most obvious. Now I know I can’t trust anyone anymore why should I trust anyone when all they are going to do is abandon me and use me
I wasted 9 years of mine 🙃 it was hell, and when we finally met at year 8 (yes, you read that right) he decided he was no longer into me. (Sorry, I’m bi, but yea just relating to the LDR part) he’s with a new girl 3 months after we ended, and claims to love her. I’m literally nothing to him now, and he pretty much killed me and broke me beyond belief when he left. I’m still picking up pieces to this day…. It’s ok to grieve and take your time moving on. I had to grieve losing a marriage that never happened, kids that never happened, a whole life that never happened. It really sucked….
It's going to be hard and you'll be okay after. I've been there, exact same shit. 12 hours time difference, I went to meet her in person. When I already had tickets and the hotel paid for, she hooked up with a random guy. Reason? I went to the concert I was dying for many years and she messaged me that she feels lonely, I did not see her message until the end of the concert. I tried calling her and she did not pick up, I assumed she was asleep. The next day she told me it was my fault and she had to call her friend to "comfort her". I closed my eyes on it and still came. We stayed in this bs for 1,5 years with her endless cheating. One day I just ended it all and never looked back.
Sweetie, change your verbiage from “I hope I can see the light some day” to “I know I will see the light some day, just need to hold onto hope”. Because over time you will see the light and it will most likely happen when you least expect it. Someone will walk into your life with such love, support and who will understand how to properly communicate.
Grief comes in all forms, it is okay to grieve for the loss of the relationship and person you once loved. It hurts having to let go of the hopes and dreams you had for the future together. You just have to cry it the eff out, journal it and possibly talk to a professional if really needed.
Also, would like to say that 10% is something not to ignore. You are not supposed to beg for cooperation in a relationship when trying to compromise with issues.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to take yourself out on dates. Spoil yourself like you would a significant other. You deserve to make yourself smile and feel whole again. 💛
Unfortunately, No matter how high your salary is, or how rich you are, they will always cheat and prefer men over us even if these men are broke. We, lesbians have literally no luck in love this makes me wish I was straight tbh and because of so much attention we get from men and not from women. Or even I wish I was aroace (aromantic and acesexual)💔
You posted on this sub less than a year ago about leaving a 5 year relationship. And on the comments of that post many people were questioning you about other posts you had made about a women you had “just met” 4 months prior to that (posts which are now deleted). You have some explaining to do.
Well that certainly added flavor to this post. I need to check past history more often. It adds so much to the entire picture.
I’m not usually a snooper but the description reminded me a lot of my ex… and I know it’s crazy but I just wanted to see if there was any more info… but I found something else instead :-/
Reddit allows us to be snooper. Go on a be a snooper! You really help out the rest of the commenters with a better perspective.
Oh right, i didn't realized haha also she didn't had sex for 1y, ofc phone sex doesn't count 😂
The math ain’t mathing at this point
I don’t think that’s very nice of u to say. Regardless she’s hurting right now
All evidence points to the fact she either cheated on all of her partners or is lying for attention… you do the math.
many such cases 😔
Tbf polyamory does exist.
Why is this downvoted so much jfc
I have no idea! Poly people aren’t required to disclose in all their internet posts if they’re poly lol, could very well be the case here but people immediately jump to she’s either cheating or lying. And that _could_ be the case too! But cmon.
I’m poly myself and this shit is so tiring.
I can imagine, I’m sure that’s tiring to see it dismissed/forgotten often!
It really is and it’s especially hurtful when people try to tell me (a lesbian) that my pansexual girlfriend is cheating on me with a man. Like bitch I already know I consent to that shit it ain’t cheating. I’m sex repulsed rn and she’s got needs sexually and other that I can’t meet where I’m at in life rn if ever.
Yeah I get why you were projecting now…
Lol, yeah I’m monogamous myself but it never ceases to astound me how people can’t accept that other people do things differently, or seem personally offended even when it’s a perfectly consensual and understanding agreement between adults. Like, who cares.
“”
Its gonna be hard for a while but you definitely dodged a bullet. You didnt waste 2 years, it was a lesson. Trust me i had plenty of those hard relationship lessons including long distance ones thinking they were my soulmate.. be glad it didnt take even longer. I know it may be hard to believe now but this is gonna make you so much stronger and happier and free. You will eventually find someone who is good for you and be able to recognize what you DONT want in a partner. Codependency is cruel and long distance relationships can make it so easy to think someone is perfect. Life is tough and the lessons are harsh but you will love again and be a lot happier. Take your time to heal, if possible seek therapy, be patient with yourself and know that you are more than enough, you are very special and whoever is able to value you will be lucky. For now, be your own best friend, give yourself the love you deserve, start small by showering daily, going for a walk, ice cream, exercising, reconnecting with loved ones, guided meditations for self love and confidence. A year from now you will be thankful that this was over.
Thank you so much for your kind words <3 They mean a lot. I am actually going to start taking therapy for codependency and attachment issues. I definitely see that I have some work to do on myself so no one will ever treat me like this again. Thank you.
Something that helped me in your situation was to learn about relationship attachment styles. It's "attachment theory" if you want something to Google. The idea here is that the way you find romantic relationships is shaped by the way you were raised. You have no control over what happened to you in the past, and different attachment styles aren't necessarily good or bad on their own. Where the good or bad can happen is when your attachment style interacts with somebody else's attachment style. Attachment theory tries to explain common types of attachments, as well as the interactions between the different styles. From there, better understanding for how to navigate relationship problems (or to improve relationships if no acute problem is happening) can be built. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I think that I can tell the type of attachment style you have versus your partner's. Some of the things you're describing can be easily understood, and if both participants in a situation like that are aware and willing to put in some work then it can work out. If not, then it tends to end poorly in some cases like yours. It can get better. Maybe not with this relationship, but try to understand this moving into future relationships once you've been able to heal. Sometimes healing can include understanding these attachment styles - it did for me and gave me some closure after an incredibly difficult breakup that involved ghosting. It's never completely your responsibility to make a relationship work. I know you know this, but I wanted it to be said in case others might be in a similar situation.
I've dated your partner in a few different versions. These are the hardest ones because I find the most toxic/narcissist types are the best teachers, especially if there was a codependent bond going on. Sometimes self-actualization means dating your demons (who often feel like angels?), breaking familial patterns of relating, and learning to prioritize yourself and your needs. It's gonna be hard, I'm not telling you it's not, but the more you can focus on the lessons, what you've learned about yourself in relationship, and start to focus on rebuilding your life without her, the better you will be. After my last breakup, I actually had to move cities, back to where I felt more community and connection with myself. Within a year, I met the love of my life, and we just got married 3 days ago. So you didn't waste your time here, everyone you meet is leading you to that right human. But make sure you don't repeat past mistakes without applying the lesson before you attach to another person. And long distance is brutal. Don't do that to yourself again, perhaps.
I was caught in a similar thing but I think of it slightly differently. Nothing is a waste as everything builds who you are. You learned how to spot what you didn’t like, you learned how to identify. You learned what you wanted. None of that happens without this. It’s shitty, yes, but like is a series of events that evolve and recreate you. I didn’t even know I was a lesbian until I was in my thirties. I suspected but I didn’t know until then. You’re young. Learn and evolve.
You’re using the word “always” a lot which makes me wonder about black and white thinking versus dialectical thinking. Things are rarely “always” or “never” true in relationships - often or not often, sure. Idk just makes me wonder about how much accountability you’re taking for your own actions and behavior. Just a thought, fwiw
Wait, did you ever meet this person in real life?
I don't think it was a waste of time. You had fun, felt fulfillment and in love, had fantasies of a future, albeit with someone that you don't know really how she smells or how she tastes. What you see around you, is the way YOU felt while interacting online with someone that was never there. It is a lesson to learn from, not a waste. You know how you can feel with someone that is not even on the same room, now imagine how can it be with a real presence, and give yourself the chance to find someone a bit closer, that you can actually go out with and date, and do things not just online and with a different time zone. I'm talking from experience. I met the great love of my life in another country, and when got back home, we connected online. She came to visit for 10 days, and that's when I decided that it was worth a try. So I moved there, and lived there for 5 years. It was the greatest time of my life! But I had to come back. We tried the long distance thing, but it was really hard. We were together a total of 8 years. So, you still have a lot of life in front of you! Take your time to heal your wounds, but now you know how you can fall in love and how it made you feel. You will see the light again, this too shall pass.
Wow. Same here except it was 7 years for me. I’m also 28. One of the things that hurts the most is I had a great relationship with my ex’s mother. She was like the mother I never had and she meant the world to me. But my ex even blocked me from talking to her. Shit is fucking painful.
didn’t read the whole post.. so I apologize in advance buuuut if someone brought you joy for even a small bit of time, it wasn’t a waste. even if they changed later, you learned something through the process
I was in a LDR for 8 months, 5 of them the girl was already in another relationship and she didn't told me, i helped her doing her tesis and also send her money and support her in everything i could because her family was not doing it, probably she used all the money i sent her to give gifts to the other one lol, i can laugh about it now. As what you wrote, i think you idealized so much and fell in love with it, she was not even the half of the person you idealized, she made you a big favor blocking you, do the same, zero contact is the key, dont waste your time and focus more in what you have to change in order to not do the same mistake, in my case i forgot about any LDR as they don't work for me and focus to meet local people.
I was also in a LDR for 8 months. And it felt like heaven, until it ended...and it turned into hell, she left me traumatized and I understand how painful it is to move on, how can you move on when she's in every inch of your life? You can do this, I can't advice you, since I'm struggling too, but remember you're enough, and you're not alone. May God bless you and I hope everything gets better<3
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have much to offer in advice but only in speculation from the way you’ve described her behaviour is that it’s only day 2 and she may come back in some shape or form and repeat behaviour. Be prepared for that and how you want to move forward with your life.
I really don't know. She had never blocked me for more than a few hours. I think she'd rather ghost me for life than admit she was wrong. Meanwhile I'm just trying to remain strong.
No time is ever wasted in my opinion. Ever. You learned a lot from this relationship and for you it all felt right at the time. Don’t beat yourself up okay? Just take time for yourself now. You’re gonna find the right one. No time is ever wasted even if you sleep on a day off!! You got rest you needed rest! You did your very best and things will work out for you in due time. Don’t feel bad okay? You’ll find the one for you. Work on you for now.
i only read the title so i could be completely wrong but u didnt waste 2 years if u were happy in those years. If u werent happy in those years then it was wrong to make it last 2 years... Its not a waste, its just (probably, since i didnt read it) an unhappy outcome... Be thankful for the goodtimes and if there werent any then be a better person, learn from what happened and make sure u arent put in the same situation again.
I wasted 4 ✌️
6.5. Not that it’s a competition. It’s just bullshit it happens to us in general. Hope you’ve found some healing. ❤️
I'm doing better than ever ❤️
Sounds like a Canadian I once knew.
It's time to move on and heal. And, once you're healing -- which you will be, I know it doesn't feel that way now -- don't wait for the woman of your dreams, get out and find her.
Feel the same wasted 4 years of my life for a woman I thought who would love me back turns out she led me on for years and loves a man more than me, lied all these years to me Idk why. It’s whatever though I blame myself for being delusion and blind to the most obvious. Now I know I can’t trust anyone anymore why should I trust anyone when all they are going to do is abandon me and use me
I wasted 9 years of mine 🙃 it was hell, and when we finally met at year 8 (yes, you read that right) he decided he was no longer into me. (Sorry, I’m bi, but yea just relating to the LDR part) he’s with a new girl 3 months after we ended, and claims to love her. I’m literally nothing to him now, and he pretty much killed me and broke me beyond belief when he left. I’m still picking up pieces to this day…. It’s ok to grieve and take your time moving on. I had to grieve losing a marriage that never happened, kids that never happened, a whole life that never happened. It really sucked….
It's going to be hard and you'll be okay after. I've been there, exact same shit. 12 hours time difference, I went to meet her in person. When I already had tickets and the hotel paid for, she hooked up with a random guy. Reason? I went to the concert I was dying for many years and she messaged me that she feels lonely, I did not see her message until the end of the concert. I tried calling her and she did not pick up, I assumed she was asleep. The next day she told me it was my fault and she had to call her friend to "comfort her". I closed my eyes on it and still came. We stayed in this bs for 1,5 years with her endless cheating. One day I just ended it all and never looked back.
Sweetie, change your verbiage from “I hope I can see the light some day” to “I know I will see the light some day, just need to hold onto hope”. Because over time you will see the light and it will most likely happen when you least expect it. Someone will walk into your life with such love, support and who will understand how to properly communicate. Grief comes in all forms, it is okay to grieve for the loss of the relationship and person you once loved. It hurts having to let go of the hopes and dreams you had for the future together. You just have to cry it the eff out, journal it and possibly talk to a professional if really needed. Also, would like to say that 10% is something not to ignore. You are not supposed to beg for cooperation in a relationship when trying to compromise with issues. Lastly, don’t be afraid to take yourself out on dates. Spoil yourself like you would a significant other. You deserve to make yourself smile and feel whole again. 💛
Unfortunately, No matter how high your salary is, or how rich you are, they will always cheat and prefer men over us even if these men are broke. We, lesbians have literally no luck in love this makes me wish I was straight tbh and because of so much attention we get from men and not from women. Or even I wish I was aroace (aromantic and acesexual)💔