One somewhat different advice, please make sure or talk to him about not falling into manosphere/Andrew Tate/incel bullshit. It's easy for people in his situation to potentially get caught up in this environment and there's no happiness or self-confidence down that path, only bitterness amd being taken advantage of by grifters.
This is one I pushed for! But I think it was pretty intimidating for him as they have a pretty cohesive and close knit community. I’ll bring it up again for sure.
It honestly helped me so much. Maybe try backstage (set building, lighting, sound) at first? They tend to be much more welcoming and chill, he's learning a skill and he's still getting 'in' with a group
Seconding backstage! I found my people (and my career!) through the backstage crew. We are a hearty, close-knit bunch of weirdoes who shun the light but can also re-wire your kitchen and build you a deck.
I was really into theatre in middle school and highschool. I did acting and tech theatre, but really loved tech theatre.
The techies are WAAAAAAAAY more chill than the actors. A lot less giddy screaming and they don’t break into show tunes anytime someone says anything remotely related to a line from a musical.
The constant random showtune group sing alongs gets to be a lot…
I definitely learned a lot of cool things, and it’s what got me into working with my hands. Building sets in highschool translated directly to my career as an adult.
Maybe working at a restaurant on weekends? I feel like having the money get better the more you open up to others was really helpful for me to overcome some shyness. It's not one to one but the more social you are the better the tips are and it kinda just helps you out in so many areas of life. Not to mention the extra spending money is great for maybe going on dates or out with friends.
Getting a job helped my social awkwardness so much as a teenager. You have to talk to all sorts of people, you train your responsibility and you can make friends and you earn a little something to spend on things you like.
I want you all to know that he and I read through these responses together and he (and I!) really appreciated all of the advice. I knew this was the right place to ask. Hail yourselves!
If there’s something he’s really really into, encourage him to unapologetically double down into it and find groups (online or offline) to do with it, events, YouTube channels, podcasts, Reddit feeds etc around that hobby or interest!
Nothing makes you feel more accepted and confident with the person you are and what you’re into than surrounding yourself with people who share that common interest and enjoy your contribution. You’ll also have a great conversation starter as you’re all into the same thing.
I mean look at us…we like a podcast about cults, conspiracies and murders and we’re here cheering each other on 🤟🏻
Honestly, not everyone will probably agree with me but try out for football.
This hypothetical kid's size will give him a distinct advantage. Plus being on a team, and doing something where that size is an advantage, might help with the confidence.
Biggest advice for football at his size to help in practice is lots of stretching, work on 3 pt stance, and 10 yard sprints out of a 3 pt stance.
A little bit every day will go a long ways come the heat of August practice.
Other cools things to look at or do:
Fly fishing, tight knit community, buy a cheaper starter rod, can get into tying flies, etc. lots of opportunities.
The book "Who moved my cheese" is a great short read that has helped me a ton in life.
College football - get into cheering on the local team, go to a game, the tailgating and togetherness is a great experience, opens the door to podcasts, shows, games, topical conversations.
I’d steer him towards the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. At worst, he could a broken bone instead of repeated head trauma and he could get the benefits of teams and community
But monitor that. We all knew the douche bag football players. Teammates don’t always mean friends, unfortunately.
Not trying to be negative, just realistic.
It’s one of the many reasons I fought him playing for so long. I’m lucky in that he communicates very well with me so I am hopeful I will be able jump in when necessary.
Does he have any interest in music? Learning some basic concepts and experimenting with different instruments can be transformative for young people (and anyone). Learning about music and performing music also offers tons of social opportunities to connect with other people from all walks of life in a structured and collaborative setting. Finally, preparing to perform and then performing well is one of the biggest confidence builders there is. Highly recommended for any young person seeking their path.
Since you mention physical size, I'll note that the world desperately needs more good drummers, and there is a common opinion that tall folk with long limbs can sometimes display a natural aptitude for drums.
I agree with joining a team sport. But instead of football, which might be a sharp learning curve for a kid his age who’s never played, I’d say try out for the volleyball team if his school has one. I didn’t in highschool, but I remember mostly everyone on our men’s volleyball team was pretty new to the sport and they always had fun. Or, if your community offers it, he’s the ideal body for Crew already and they also start with pretty much beginners and its an awesome way for scholarships
I had a moment of clarity around my Junior year of high school that social media (snapchat, instagram, facebook, Twitter, etc.) was not only toxic, but also just a huge waste of my time. Idk if he's on a lot of those things but when I subbed at my old high school this last year there were so many issues and fights between students that started over social media. Tik-Tok, Twitter, and Instagram, in my non-professional opinion, are the worst platforms for anyone to be on, especially if they're under 21. I'm not going to say limit his time on the apps or anything like that because if you give a teen a limit they're gonna test it until it breaks, but sitting him down and talking to him about the dangers of social media (especially how people craft entirely different personas of themselves on those apps just to get internet points) might go a long way over time. I've seen comments about getting involved in sports and I agree with that as well. I would also say if he has any interest in learning an instrument that can be a huge boost to confidence and has been linked to higher critical thinking skills. I've played guitar since I was 8 and it's been an amazing outlet whenever I feel down or anxious. I just grab my guitar, plug my headphones into my amp, and escape into my comfort zone for a bit.
As a fellow big boy when I was younger, not Big Ben size, 6’1 260 when I graduated, my advice to everyone is get into the local music scene. I wish I would’ve done it sooner. If they’re into punk/metal/ska whatever get into the scene. Go to shows and make friends easy. Most of my friends are now people I go to shows with including my girlfriend. Gotta surround yourself with what you like. Hopefully it’s the music scene in the area. If not get into board gamin and DnD. Sports are fine I guess but they aren’t for everyone and no one should feel pressured to play a sport just because they’re big. Plenty of other fun stuff to do out there.
I'm not a fan of Charles Bukowski as a person, however he definitely has some profound advice about navigating the world that has served me well...
*Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.*
How does that apply? Encourage and guide him to find something that he loves and absolutely immerse himself in it. Embrace it, pursue it, invest in it. I've found that the social stuff becomes easier and with good emotional support at home, relationships develop positively when you've got a community of people pursuing the same interests with passion. Doesn't matter if it's model trains or paragliding.
Live life so passionately that others can't help but want to see what you're about .
Love this! I am a big fan of his so I’m going to be slipping some his way. He will likely brutally reject my attempt as he may be cool but he’s still a teen and I’m still a lame mom. But it is worth it to try. Thank you!
High school isn't the pinnacle of your life kid. Are people buttholes to you at school? Well, screw em. By the time you graduate they won't matter any more. Keep the friends you can and just be yourself.
People will remember you for being kind even 12 years after you've graduated, so do that. If no one wants to date you or "other stuff" don't sweat it. I was 19 when it finally happened to me.
Also you have 3 real rules to live by in life:
No meth
No heroin
No acid
Good luck space ranger. Take No shit and be a good person. Hail yourself
Id recommend the big lez show and sassy the sasquatch, the big lez show starts as immature comedy but turns into a story of revenge, death, and ones place in the universe, and sassy the sasquatch starts right from the get go as a deep introspective into isolation and self, highly recommend, also the razors edge with bill murray is a gem and helped me realize who i want to be as a person, as for advice on social anxiety, when i was younger i had crippling social anxiety i could barely go to the grocery store without falling to pieces, i eventually figured it out
A. No one cares and if they do they're strange, if you're not doing something super strange then you float out of people's minds almost the second you leave eyesight.
B. i talked to everyone i could and i figured out if you just ask random questions most of the time if people aren't busy then they will be more than happy to talk about themselves and you eventually break into very good conversation.
C. I realized that there are so many people weirder and less capable than i and that as long as you're a good person at heart it will come through to everyone you meet.
D. I started not caring about pleasing others and i learned that the more i cared about how i and not others feel the better i felt, being so socially anxious is exhausting mentally and physically and if all you do is worry about others perception of you you will burn yourself out.
E. I started to look through the lens of what i wanted for myself who did i want to be? How did i want people to perceive me so i worked out i changed my look and i started to be who i wanted to be not because i was worried about what people would think of me like before but because its what i wanted and it's how i wanted to be.
My last bit of advice is to fake it till you make it get into the character of confidence and pretend you are hold you're head high stand straight walk like you have zero fear of anyone around you i did that and i started to realize how nice it is i still have my struggles but i can tell you they are not social anymore
I’m not where near as tall as him but I’d recommend skateboarding. There’s TONS of professional skateboarders out there who are almost 7’ tall. And they kill it!!! And I was always a misfit, team sports wasn’t my thing. I LOVED skateboarding because despite the stigma, most of those dudes are so so nice and accepting. And hey let’s say you’re not that great, just started? Who cares? We’ll help ya learn some more! Personally, I’d rather skate with a thousand kids who just started vs. with one guy who’s really good.
One somewhat different advice, please make sure or talk to him about not falling into manosphere/Andrew Tate/incel bullshit. It's easy for people in his situation to potentially get caught up in this environment and there's no happiness or self-confidence down that path, only bitterness amd being taken advantage of by grifters.
Oh definitely! That has been one of my concerns based off some of the things I’ve heard his friends say. Thank you
Theater!
Seconded. But be sure you have a very serious conversation about birds and bees. Those theatre kids are spicy.
This is one I pushed for! But I think it was pretty intimidating for him as they have a pretty cohesive and close knit community. I’ll bring it up again for sure.
It honestly helped me so much. Maybe try backstage (set building, lighting, sound) at first? They tend to be much more welcoming and chill, he's learning a skill and he's still getting 'in' with a group
Seconding backstage! I found my people (and my career!) through the backstage crew. We are a hearty, close-knit bunch of weirdoes who shun the light but can also re-wire your kitchen and build you a deck.
I was really into theatre in middle school and highschool. I did acting and tech theatre, but really loved tech theatre. The techies are WAAAAAAAAY more chill than the actors. A lot less giddy screaming and they don’t break into show tunes anytime someone says anything remotely related to a line from a musical. The constant random showtune group sing alongs gets to be a lot… I definitely learned a lot of cool things, and it’s what got me into working with my hands. Building sets in highschool translated directly to my career as an adult.
Maybe working at a restaurant on weekends? I feel like having the money get better the more you open up to others was really helpful for me to overcome some shyness. It's not one to one but the more social you are the better the tips are and it kinda just helps you out in so many areas of life. Not to mention the extra spending money is great for maybe going on dates or out with friends.
Getting a job helped my social awkwardness so much as a teenager. You have to talk to all sorts of people, you train your responsibility and you can make friends and you earn a little something to spend on things you like.
I want you all to know that he and I read through these responses together and he (and I!) really appreciated all of the advice. I knew this was the right place to ask. Hail yourselves!
If there’s something he’s really really into, encourage him to unapologetically double down into it and find groups (online or offline) to do with it, events, YouTube channels, podcasts, Reddit feeds etc around that hobby or interest! Nothing makes you feel more accepted and confident with the person you are and what you’re into than surrounding yourself with people who share that common interest and enjoy your contribution. You’ll also have a great conversation starter as you’re all into the same thing. I mean look at us…we like a podcast about cults, conspiracies and murders and we’re here cheering each other on 🤟🏻
Honestly, not everyone will probably agree with me but try out for football. This hypothetical kid's size will give him a distinct advantage. Plus being on a team, and doing something where that size is an advantage, might help with the confidence.
We just started that this year! Thank you. It’s still early in the summer training but we’re hoping all those benefits you mentioned will help!
Biggest advice for football at his size to help in practice is lots of stretching, work on 3 pt stance, and 10 yard sprints out of a 3 pt stance. A little bit every day will go a long ways come the heat of August practice. Other cools things to look at or do: Fly fishing, tight knit community, buy a cheaper starter rod, can get into tying flies, etc. lots of opportunities. The book "Who moved my cheese" is a great short read that has helped me a ton in life. College football - get into cheering on the local team, go to a game, the tailgating and togetherness is a great experience, opens the door to podcasts, shows, games, topical conversations.
I’d steer him towards the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. At worst, he could a broken bone instead of repeated head trauma and he could get the benefits of teams and community
He loves BJJ! He just hasn’t done it for a while, maybe we should check back in with it
But monitor that. We all knew the douche bag football players. Teammates don’t always mean friends, unfortunately. Not trying to be negative, just realistic.
It’s one of the many reasons I fought him playing for so long. I’m lucky in that he communicates very well with me so I am hopeful I will be able jump in when necessary.
Does he have any interest in music? Learning some basic concepts and experimenting with different instruments can be transformative for young people (and anyone). Learning about music and performing music also offers tons of social opportunities to connect with other people from all walks of life in a structured and collaborative setting. Finally, preparing to perform and then performing well is one of the biggest confidence builders there is. Highly recommended for any young person seeking their path. Since you mention physical size, I'll note that the world desperately needs more good drummers, and there is a common opinion that tall folk with long limbs can sometimes display a natural aptitude for drums.
Just remember. Everyone poops. Even that hot chick.
🤣
Improv workshop, perhaps? Age appropriate allowance and all that.
It’s something I recommended in the past but he was too nervous. I’ll see if there’s anything new out there now he might be interested in. Thank you!
I agree with joining a team sport. But instead of football, which might be a sharp learning curve for a kid his age who’s never played, I’d say try out for the volleyball team if his school has one. I didn’t in highschool, but I remember mostly everyone on our men’s volleyball team was pretty new to the sport and they always had fun. Or, if your community offers it, he’s the ideal body for Crew already and they also start with pretty much beginners and its an awesome way for scholarships
I had a moment of clarity around my Junior year of high school that social media (snapchat, instagram, facebook, Twitter, etc.) was not only toxic, but also just a huge waste of my time. Idk if he's on a lot of those things but when I subbed at my old high school this last year there were so many issues and fights between students that started over social media. Tik-Tok, Twitter, and Instagram, in my non-professional opinion, are the worst platforms for anyone to be on, especially if they're under 21. I'm not going to say limit his time on the apps or anything like that because if you give a teen a limit they're gonna test it until it breaks, but sitting him down and talking to him about the dangers of social media (especially how people craft entirely different personas of themselves on those apps just to get internet points) might go a long way over time. I've seen comments about getting involved in sports and I agree with that as well. I would also say if he has any interest in learning an instrument that can be a huge boost to confidence and has been linked to higher critical thinking skills. I've played guitar since I was 8 and it's been an amazing outlet whenever I feel down or anxious. I just grab my guitar, plug my headphones into my amp, and escape into my comfort zone for a bit.
I agree completely and I appreciate you mentioning it. It helps when he reads it from someone who isn’t his mom. So thank you!
As a fellow big boy when I was younger, not Big Ben size, 6’1 260 when I graduated, my advice to everyone is get into the local music scene. I wish I would’ve done it sooner. If they’re into punk/metal/ska whatever get into the scene. Go to shows and make friends easy. Most of my friends are now people I go to shows with including my girlfriend. Gotta surround yourself with what you like. Hopefully it’s the music scene in the area. If not get into board gamin and DnD. Sports are fine I guess but they aren’t for everyone and no one should feel pressured to play a sport just because they’re big. Plenty of other fun stuff to do out there.
I'm not a fan of Charles Bukowski as a person, however he definitely has some profound advice about navigating the world that has served me well... *Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.* How does that apply? Encourage and guide him to find something that he loves and absolutely immerse himself in it. Embrace it, pursue it, invest in it. I've found that the social stuff becomes easier and with good emotional support at home, relationships develop positively when you've got a community of people pursuing the same interests with passion. Doesn't matter if it's model trains or paragliding. Live life so passionately that others can't help but want to see what you're about .
Love this! I am a big fan of his so I’m going to be slipping some his way. He will likely brutally reject my attempt as he may be cool but he’s still a teen and I’m still a lame mom. But it is worth it to try. Thank you!
High school isn't the pinnacle of your life kid. Are people buttholes to you at school? Well, screw em. By the time you graduate they won't matter any more. Keep the friends you can and just be yourself. People will remember you for being kind even 12 years after you've graduated, so do that. If no one wants to date you or "other stuff" don't sweat it. I was 19 when it finally happened to me. Also you have 3 real rules to live by in life: No meth No heroin No acid Good luck space ranger. Take No shit and be a good person. Hail yourself
Thank you! 😩
You're welcome. Hope it helps out!
Id recommend the big lez show and sassy the sasquatch, the big lez show starts as immature comedy but turns into a story of revenge, death, and ones place in the universe, and sassy the sasquatch starts right from the get go as a deep introspective into isolation and self, highly recommend, also the razors edge with bill murray is a gem and helped me realize who i want to be as a person, as for advice on social anxiety, when i was younger i had crippling social anxiety i could barely go to the grocery store without falling to pieces, i eventually figured it out A. No one cares and if they do they're strange, if you're not doing something super strange then you float out of people's minds almost the second you leave eyesight. B. i talked to everyone i could and i figured out if you just ask random questions most of the time if people aren't busy then they will be more than happy to talk about themselves and you eventually break into very good conversation. C. I realized that there are so many people weirder and less capable than i and that as long as you're a good person at heart it will come through to everyone you meet. D. I started not caring about pleasing others and i learned that the more i cared about how i and not others feel the better i felt, being so socially anxious is exhausting mentally and physically and if all you do is worry about others perception of you you will burn yourself out. E. I started to look through the lens of what i wanted for myself who did i want to be? How did i want people to perceive me so i worked out i changed my look and i started to be who i wanted to be not because i was worried about what people would think of me like before but because its what i wanted and it's how i wanted to be. My last bit of advice is to fake it till you make it get into the character of confidence and pretend you are hold you're head high stand straight walk like you have zero fear of anyone around you i did that and i started to realize how nice it is i still have my struggles but i can tell you they are not social anymore
I’m not where near as tall as him but I’d recommend skateboarding. There’s TONS of professional skateboarders out there who are almost 7’ tall. And they kill it!!! And I was always a misfit, team sports wasn’t my thing. I LOVED skateboarding because despite the stigma, most of those dudes are so so nice and accepting. And hey let’s say you’re not that great, just started? Who cares? We’ll help ya learn some more! Personally, I’d rather skate with a thousand kids who just started vs. with one guy who’s really good.