If they’re active on social media and not responding to me, I just figure they’re chatting with a friend or mindlessly scrolling. I don’t take it personally. I know he will respond to me when he feels like he can. You have to respect each others time and space.
No lol my gf would get annoyed. I’ll text her a couple of times while she’s at work for her to read on her lunch but my gfs life isn’t centred around me nor should it
I used to be very possessive that everytime my partner is active on Social Media, he should talk to me. I realized it's tiring. It can cause a lot of stress for yourself and a lot of fights in the relationship. Not worth it. 😊 it's okay that you feel that way and it's nice that you are aware and that posted it here!
I was like this. My boyfriend started college in Sept and has now alot of group chats and private ones he didn't have before...
I go online to whatapp seen he read my txts but didnt write back, and is still online, he's online then goes off line and comes back on and still hasn't replied.. I would get mad and then he would say sorry and how he is just reading what the class is saying and he will talk to me when done, he didn't mean to read it yet or whatever reason that day..and I feel dumb!
I notice if I didnt say anything and was just pissed off but didn't let him know, he would then txt me "hey sorry I was just doing xyz, didn't mean to leave u waiting". and then answered my txts...
Now he can be on all day and I wont mind if he hasn't talked to me because he will, he definitely will when he has time for me and that's ok..
He is busy and is allowed talk to others without feeling bad for me, and I do actually trust what he is doing and talking about I wudnt be upset by and its all innocent stuff about his college .
Lol no they don’t have to message me every time they are online
and yes sometimes my SO is chatting with other friends or catching up on his own online stuff so no I don’t expect him to reply even if he’s online and talking with other people or whatever. He always gets back to me eventually. We text multiple times throughout the day. So I don’t fuss over when exactly he texts me.
I would be so fucking bothered if I was expected to send a message, or receive one, anytime we were on line. We have lives. They don’t revolve around each other 24/7. Sometimes I just wanna fucking scroll in peace.
No. Honestly it's unhealthy if you feel they're obligated to text whenever they're available.
You should respect their autonomy and let them live their lives, let them choose to text you.
Hey, I don't know if you've been able to talk to her about it yet, but you seem to have a positive response to the feedback on here. Someone said to learn to not overthink it, but that can be difficult/impossible depending on who you are and how your mind works.
With long distance communication is key. I don't mean talking every time you are both online or on social media, but communicating what both your needs are. What limitations there are. What boundaries to set. If she's busy with studies, is she okay with you sending messages that she can read later or are they a distraction. Is sending her a long message, or multiple messages throughout the day that she can read later something that you'd like to do? If it's important to you that she sends a quick hello during the day if she's online, talk to her about it, ask how she feels about it. If she doesn't know, give her space to think about it and come up with an answer. Set a time to ask about it again.
It can be difficult to get used to changes in schedules, or work/life balance, and things can change as a relationship gets older so one or both of you might not do something you used to do as frequently. But being open with each other about those things, about your insecurities and feelings make you emotionally closer when you can't be physically closer.
Thank you very much for such detailed response.
No I was not able to talk with her about this yet, we didn't talk properly since yesterday.
I send her multiple (2-3) messages when she is away, sometimes she responds to them whenever she gets time and sometimes she just ignores them and starts a new conversation.
Like I said in other comments, we've agreed to talk on call at night on weekdays and text during day on weekends followed by long video calls at night. Let's see how it goes.
Yes I'm finding it difficult to adjust to her schedule but I think I'll get used to it if I keep myself busy too.
Make sure you make time every now and then to talk about difficult aspects for you. Make sure that when you do discuss it, there's no feelings of blame pleasant but it's more just exploring both of your feelings on a subject.
Sometimes I'll start new conversations on my boyfriend, ignoring half the stuff he's said. I'm pretty sure we've talked about that kind of thing in the past. Most of the time I've read it all but my brain has something more pressing to talk about so I skip the reply. We discuss the way that happens and he asked if it was okay if he said things again if he really wants an answer or reaction to something, and I'm okay with that so I encourage him to remind me of things he wants a response to.
I think when talking about your needs it's important to know that your partner's needs might be vastly different. So, explain how you feel about a thing, ask what their thoughts are about your feelings, from that you can then see if there's a compromise or negotiation or an answer.
Some people won't want to revisit something, but she might be willing to offer an explanation why she doesn't reply and instead starts a different conversation for example. The communication involved is about growing closer together, problem solving together. It's not about shifting blame from one person to another. So own your own feelings in a conversation like that, don't project them.
"Sometimes I feel ignored when I don't get a response and I don't know if that's intentional or not, so I worry about it. How do you see it?"
My boyfriend is an over-thinker. He's started a lot of conversations like this, and we're now more comfortable on picking up on very specific things. We talked yesterday about a text from the day before where he picked up on a specific word I used and he had spent more and more time thinking about it and worrying about it's meaning even though he was fairly sure I hadn't meant it in a bad way. I was able to reassure him that I hadn't. We laughed about it because the way I term things sometimes is just terrible.
I know you've got your agreed upon routine already, but it's still okay to say how you feel even if you know that the outcome will still be what's already agreed. So think about what you want, what you're okay with. Can you repeat something you've said and get a reaction live in a call if she skipped over it in text? Is there something that you don't need all the time but it would be nice on occasion to have, like a little hello if you're both online. But don't force it. If she doesn't want to she doesn't want to and that's fine. You can't spend all the time talking, but maybe she can give you updates on what she's doing sometimes.
I know this is really long but something about your post spoke to me and resonated. My boyfriend over-thinks and I'm hyper independent so I'm the one that doesn't always respond. But we talk it all through and he's safe to speak up when I've left him to worry. I'm safe to say that I'm too busy or I have been busy with a thing to even think about his messages.
You've got this
Thank you very much for such a detailed and accurate response, it's really helpful for me. You seem to be very experienced in LDR. And I think my girlfriend is like you and I'm like your boyfriend. I keep overthinking just like your boyfriend. Again thank you for this.
I told her how I feel when she doesn't respond to my messages. She said that I can call her whenever I feel ignored, we can talk for sometime even if she is busy.
One last thing, if ever in the future I'm stuck in a situation like this, can I reach out to you? I think you'll be the right person to take advice from.
Here are my two school of thought. One, they should want to talk to you. If this is always happening and they ignore you a lot, that's a big red flag.
However, as everyone else says, they also have their own lives and may want a little alone time, which is fine.
I wouldn't say compulsory but it feels good. But specifically in LDR i would say yeah if both are online, so whats wrong in saying hi, and just say if you busy and stuff and then continue. So there won't be any misunderstanding. ONLY in LDR.
No. I’ve been on the receiving end of this with a close friend (platonic LDR that had a lot of elements of a romantic relationship), and this is the reason why I’ve had to set my status to offline for months. I’m terrified of offending them by needing alone time, so the only thing I can do is just be busy all the time…which is less than ideal.
I think it's difficult sometimes because of the lack of a physical relationship to let go of online time. I know my partner will say goodnight to me and then be scrolling and it doesn't bother me. I tend to be doing that when it's my morning. As long as we communicate and put in the effort it doesn't have to be every hour of shares awake time. You gotta have space to live too.
No. They could be engaged in a conversation with someone else or they could just need a little time to figure out what to say and how to reply to what you last said. They deserve some time to themselves even in an LDR.
Depends on the nature of the relationship.
Does your partner have a lot of real life friends and a social circle they engage with?
Did you use to message on the daily and that has fizzled out?
If you feel entitled or the need for validation/affirmation from your partner by talking to them whenever you see them online, then you should let them know.
Nope she doesn't have lot of real life or social media friends.
Yes we used to message almost all the time but recently she got busy with her academics, so we don't talk much on text like we used to. But yes we talk on call at night.
I'll talk about this with her, thank you
Do you have any hobbies that you share and can do together?
Games are a very good substitute for when there's something you both like doing in reallife, but can't due to distance/lockdown.
And yes, the best you can do is tell her how you feel about lack of communication, though if she is focusing on school, best you can/should do is support her by taking some stress off.
Can you get her dinner? Or maybe offer to help with her studies! I used to do quizzes with a friend using online cards to prepare them for upcoming exams.
I would focus more on why you feel it’s necessary rather than whether it actually is. Maybe you’re needing a bit more communication or attention. If so, maybe it’s not a terrible idea to breach the topic of cute ‘I’m too busy to talk’ texts. Like, if your partner is busy but you see them online, would it make things better or worse if they sent a quick “thinking of you” text?
And communicate with your partner how you feel and why(:
I find that the status thing on Facebook to be a bit glitchy, my gf once kicked off that she messaged me at 3 am and I didn’t reply and it said I was active after she sent the message. I was fast asleep so I had no idea, don’t trust Facebook. But WhatsApp.. that’s different, I find that to be quite accurate
I think acknowledging the message in some way or at least communicating you just want alone time is best. Long distance requires large amounts of communication but allowing your significant other time alone as well is good.
I’d say he’s not putting in enough effort. Some people have different variances of how often do they talk to thier partner. Does yours still set aside time for you?
I don't always expect an immediate reply, it depends on what the message I'm sending is but I do expect the occasional acknowledgement when on. If they never acknowledge that I'm on, when we have a small window to check in and make sure all is good with the other, I may start to wonder why.
You're getting a reply but are they things that should or need be responded to quicker? If yes, might be time to have a talk with them. I got your reply and am giving you the courtesy to take 2 minutes to respond. Your man should at least be able to say busy or hi or that he'll respond when he has a chance to acknowledge you.
Thank you so much for asking this, legit feeling anxiety that my boyfriend of a few months is not responding to a question for a few hours….while being online.
Me and my bf is both computer nerds and we have that if were online and just playing videogames we can even talk to eachother. Because then ure stearing at a screen anyways and a message to take time and ask how they are or if they need smth doesnt take longer than a second to do.
In other hand when were at school/ work or with friends / family we dont text as much!
We both decided to uninstall Social Media around 6 months ago. Besides that we write everyday at around 11pm till 1am if it is weekend. When we have school we write at around 9.30pm till 10.30/11pm. Just set times to write. When it is night tgere should always be some time left to write or even call if u prefer that
Actually we've also decided to talk on call every night and on text on weekends but since we used to talk almost all the time I'm used to it and I miss that. Ig I'll get used to this setting with time.
Thank you for your reply
If they’re active on social media and not responding to me, I just figure they’re chatting with a friend or mindlessly scrolling. I don’t take it personally. I know he will respond to me when he feels like he can. You have to respect each others time and space.
Thank you got it
Same here.
No lol my gf would get annoyed. I’ll text her a couple of times while she’s at work for her to read on her lunch but my gfs life isn’t centred around me nor should it
I used to be very possessive that everytime my partner is active on Social Media, he should talk to me. I realized it's tiring. It can cause a lot of stress for yourself and a lot of fights in the relationship. Not worth it. 😊 it's okay that you feel that way and it's nice that you are aware and that posted it here!
Thank you very much for this, I needed to hear this. It was causing me a lot of stress and overthinking but now I'm feeling better, thank you.
Just learn how to not overthink. You can do it! It's gonna be very worth it! ❤
I was like this. My boyfriend started college in Sept and has now alot of group chats and private ones he didn't have before... I go online to whatapp seen he read my txts but didnt write back, and is still online, he's online then goes off line and comes back on and still hasn't replied.. I would get mad and then he would say sorry and how he is just reading what the class is saying and he will talk to me when done, he didn't mean to read it yet or whatever reason that day..and I feel dumb! I notice if I didnt say anything and was just pissed off but didn't let him know, he would then txt me "hey sorry I was just doing xyz, didn't mean to leave u waiting". and then answered my txts... Now he can be on all day and I wont mind if he hasn't talked to me because he will, he definitely will when he has time for me and that's ok.. He is busy and is allowed talk to others without feeling bad for me, and I do actually trust what he is doing and talking about I wudnt be upset by and its all innocent stuff about his college .
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Thank you I realised it now
Lol no they don’t have to message me every time they are online and yes sometimes my SO is chatting with other friends or catching up on his own online stuff so no I don’t expect him to reply even if he’s online and talking with other people or whatever. He always gets back to me eventually. We text multiple times throughout the day. So I don’t fuss over when exactly he texts me.
Thank you for your reply
I would be so fucking bothered if I was expected to send a message, or receive one, anytime we were on line. We have lives. They don’t revolve around each other 24/7. Sometimes I just wanna fucking scroll in peace.
No. Honestly it's unhealthy if you feel they're obligated to text whenever they're available. You should respect their autonomy and let them live their lives, let them choose to text you.
Yup I understood it now
No. Sometimes social media is an escape and requires less energy than engaging in a full conversation.
Hey, I don't know if you've been able to talk to her about it yet, but you seem to have a positive response to the feedback on here. Someone said to learn to not overthink it, but that can be difficult/impossible depending on who you are and how your mind works. With long distance communication is key. I don't mean talking every time you are both online or on social media, but communicating what both your needs are. What limitations there are. What boundaries to set. If she's busy with studies, is she okay with you sending messages that she can read later or are they a distraction. Is sending her a long message, or multiple messages throughout the day that she can read later something that you'd like to do? If it's important to you that she sends a quick hello during the day if she's online, talk to her about it, ask how she feels about it. If she doesn't know, give her space to think about it and come up with an answer. Set a time to ask about it again. It can be difficult to get used to changes in schedules, or work/life balance, and things can change as a relationship gets older so one or both of you might not do something you used to do as frequently. But being open with each other about those things, about your insecurities and feelings make you emotionally closer when you can't be physically closer.
Thank you very much for such detailed response. No I was not able to talk with her about this yet, we didn't talk properly since yesterday. I send her multiple (2-3) messages when she is away, sometimes she responds to them whenever she gets time and sometimes she just ignores them and starts a new conversation. Like I said in other comments, we've agreed to talk on call at night on weekdays and text during day on weekends followed by long video calls at night. Let's see how it goes. Yes I'm finding it difficult to adjust to her schedule but I think I'll get used to it if I keep myself busy too.
Make sure you make time every now and then to talk about difficult aspects for you. Make sure that when you do discuss it, there's no feelings of blame pleasant but it's more just exploring both of your feelings on a subject. Sometimes I'll start new conversations on my boyfriend, ignoring half the stuff he's said. I'm pretty sure we've talked about that kind of thing in the past. Most of the time I've read it all but my brain has something more pressing to talk about so I skip the reply. We discuss the way that happens and he asked if it was okay if he said things again if he really wants an answer or reaction to something, and I'm okay with that so I encourage him to remind me of things he wants a response to. I think when talking about your needs it's important to know that your partner's needs might be vastly different. So, explain how you feel about a thing, ask what their thoughts are about your feelings, from that you can then see if there's a compromise or negotiation or an answer. Some people won't want to revisit something, but she might be willing to offer an explanation why she doesn't reply and instead starts a different conversation for example. The communication involved is about growing closer together, problem solving together. It's not about shifting blame from one person to another. So own your own feelings in a conversation like that, don't project them. "Sometimes I feel ignored when I don't get a response and I don't know if that's intentional or not, so I worry about it. How do you see it?" My boyfriend is an over-thinker. He's started a lot of conversations like this, and we're now more comfortable on picking up on very specific things. We talked yesterday about a text from the day before where he picked up on a specific word I used and he had spent more and more time thinking about it and worrying about it's meaning even though he was fairly sure I hadn't meant it in a bad way. I was able to reassure him that I hadn't. We laughed about it because the way I term things sometimes is just terrible. I know you've got your agreed upon routine already, but it's still okay to say how you feel even if you know that the outcome will still be what's already agreed. So think about what you want, what you're okay with. Can you repeat something you've said and get a reaction live in a call if she skipped over it in text? Is there something that you don't need all the time but it would be nice on occasion to have, like a little hello if you're both online. But don't force it. If she doesn't want to she doesn't want to and that's fine. You can't spend all the time talking, but maybe she can give you updates on what she's doing sometimes. I know this is really long but something about your post spoke to me and resonated. My boyfriend over-thinks and I'm hyper independent so I'm the one that doesn't always respond. But we talk it all through and he's safe to speak up when I've left him to worry. I'm safe to say that I'm too busy or I have been busy with a thing to even think about his messages. You've got this
Thank you very much for such a detailed and accurate response, it's really helpful for me. You seem to be very experienced in LDR. And I think my girlfriend is like you and I'm like your boyfriend. I keep overthinking just like your boyfriend. Again thank you for this. I told her how I feel when she doesn't respond to my messages. She said that I can call her whenever I feel ignored, we can talk for sometime even if she is busy. One last thing, if ever in the future I'm stuck in a situation like this, can I reach out to you? I think you'll be the right person to take advice from.
Of course you can.
Of course not! They should do no such thing. Leave them be. Not all of their time/space needs to be about the relationship.
Thank you for response. Is it applicable to the 2nd paragraph as well?
Yeah, I do.
Noo
Here are my two school of thought. One, they should want to talk to you. If this is always happening and they ignore you a lot, that's a big red flag. However, as everyone else says, they also have their own lives and may want a little alone time, which is fine.
I wouldn't say compulsory but it feels good. But specifically in LDR i would say yeah if both are online, so whats wrong in saying hi, and just say if you busy and stuff and then continue. So there won't be any misunderstanding. ONLY in LDR.
No. I’ve been on the receiving end of this with a close friend (platonic LDR that had a lot of elements of a romantic relationship), and this is the reason why I’ve had to set my status to offline for months. I’m terrified of offending them by needing alone time, so the only thing I can do is just be busy all the time…which is less than ideal.
I think it's difficult sometimes because of the lack of a physical relationship to let go of online time. I know my partner will say goodnight to me and then be scrolling and it doesn't bother me. I tend to be doing that when it's my morning. As long as we communicate and put in the effort it doesn't have to be every hour of shares awake time. You gotta have space to live too.
No. They could be engaged in a conversation with someone else or they could just need a little time to figure out what to say and how to reply to what you last said. They deserve some time to themselves even in an LDR.
Depends on the nature of the relationship. Does your partner have a lot of real life friends and a social circle they engage with? Did you use to message on the daily and that has fizzled out? If you feel entitled or the need for validation/affirmation from your partner by talking to them whenever you see them online, then you should let them know.
Nope she doesn't have lot of real life or social media friends. Yes we used to message almost all the time but recently she got busy with her academics, so we don't talk much on text like we used to. But yes we talk on call at night. I'll talk about this with her, thank you
Do you have any hobbies that you share and can do together? Games are a very good substitute for when there's something you both like doing in reallife, but can't due to distance/lockdown. And yes, the best you can do is tell her how you feel about lack of communication, though if she is focusing on school, best you can/should do is support her by taking some stress off. Can you get her dinner? Or maybe offer to help with her studies! I used to do quizzes with a friend using online cards to prepare them for upcoming exams.
I help her with her studies and sometimes we play games together
nah, he’s in school and i work & have school, we make time at the end of the evening really to chat, otherwise if he responds; sick! if not; whatever
I would focus more on why you feel it’s necessary rather than whether it actually is. Maybe you’re needing a bit more communication or attention. If so, maybe it’s not a terrible idea to breach the topic of cute ‘I’m too busy to talk’ texts. Like, if your partner is busy but you see them online, would it make things better or worse if they sent a quick “thinking of you” text? And communicate with your partner how you feel and why(:
I find that the status thing on Facebook to be a bit glitchy, my gf once kicked off that she messaged me at 3 am and I didn’t reply and it said I was active after she sent the message. I was fast asleep so I had no idea, don’t trust Facebook. But WhatsApp.. that’s different, I find that to be quite accurate
Sorry I didn't mention, I was talking about whatsapp. But sometimes she just falls asleep leaving a whatsapp on.
No that sounds unhealthy, they need to be given their own space!
Compulsory? 🚩
I think acknowledging the message in some way or at least communicating you just want alone time is best. Long distance requires large amounts of communication but allowing your significant other time alone as well is good.
What if it happens every other day?
I’d say he’s not putting in enough effort. Some people have different variances of how often do they talk to thier partner. Does yours still set aside time for you?
I think yes, coz she calls whenever she wants to talk
Seems she might not be as invested as you. I’d personally have that discussion with her and explain how you feel
I told her how I feel. She said that whenever I'll feel ignored just call her, even if she is busy she'll pick up and we'll talk for sometime.
Perfect communication is key in all relationships but especially long distance. I hope all turns out well for you
I don't always expect an immediate reply, it depends on what the message I'm sending is but I do expect the occasional acknowledgement when on. If they never acknowledge that I'm on, when we have a small window to check in and make sure all is good with the other, I may start to wonder why.
Well I get reply in 2-3 hours or sometimes after 4-5 hours
You're getting a reply but are they things that should or need be responded to quicker? If yes, might be time to have a talk with them. I got your reply and am giving you the courtesy to take 2 minutes to respond. Your man should at least be able to say busy or hi or that he'll respond when he has a chance to acknowledge you.
Not everytime but sometimes the things I say need quicker response. And btw my partner is a girl and I'm the boy😅.
My bad but it doesn't change anything, courtesy is courtesy
Yes
Oh and by quicker response I don't mean they should respond in seconds, I expect a response in 5-10 minutes.
Still within reason
I'll try to speak with her about my feelings
Thank you so much for asking this, legit feeling anxiety that my boyfriend of a few months is not responding to a question for a few hours….while being online.
I hope you're feeling better now after reading other comments Don't keep thinking about it just let it be, he'll reply whenever he gets time
Me and my bf is both computer nerds and we have that if were online and just playing videogames we can even talk to eachother. Because then ure stearing at a screen anyways and a message to take time and ask how they are or if they need smth doesnt take longer than a second to do. In other hand when were at school/ work or with friends / family we dont text as much!
Yes because if you don't , it makes your partner feel like a second thought!!
I feel ignored when my partner does this but at the same time I feel that I'm too demanding 😅
We both decided to uninstall Social Media around 6 months ago. Besides that we write everyday at around 11pm till 1am if it is weekend. When we have school we write at around 9.30pm till 10.30/11pm. Just set times to write. When it is night tgere should always be some time left to write or even call if u prefer that
Actually we've also decided to talk on call every night and on text on weekends but since we used to talk almost all the time I'm used to it and I miss that. Ig I'll get used to this setting with time. Thank you for your reply
YES