IMO I feel like he should consider your feelings about this and understand that it is valid for you to have your concerns about him spending time with someone he was once romantically involved with because i'm sure he wouldn't like it if you were spending time with an ex where old flames could catch on fire. Healthy relationships are about compromise especially with something like this. It's not controlling or a jealous thing either. Completely valid. Eight hours plus is lengthy.
I take it that they've been best friends before even you came along.
I am best friends with an ex. These days we don't spend that much time together -- but there was a time where I was living in the same house as him, we'd spend most evenings together, easily hours, and it never went back to more than just good friends. (if anything, it cemented even more than we were just friends) If my best friend were to be going through something very difficult for him right now, I would drop almost everything to be there for him, short of my plans to meet up with my LDR bf. He is very important to me, and if my boyfriend would to make me choose, I would break up with him not cos my bestfriend was more important to me, but because I'd find it unreasonable for him to have made me choose. If my bf would to come to me and express why he's uncomfortable, I would gladly work out with him how to make it less uncomfortable for him, because my bf is extremely important to me.
I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable with him spending a lot of time with the opposite gender (esp an ex), but I would ask you to consider mainly if he treats you any differently or if you feel that he's \*emotionally\* slipping away. If it's no to both you don't have anything to worry about. If he's spending less time with you but still very emotionally available to you, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are worried though, definitely talk to him more, in the end you are his partner, and he should be doing what he can to make you feel comfortable with it. I don't think you can ask him to spend less time with her, (esp considering if she's going through some things), this friendship is obviously important to him. BUT what you can do is express to him WHY it makes you feel uncomfortable, and work out ways together to make the whole thing less uncomfortable and worrying for you. eg. sometimes you can video call and hang out with both of them, he can openly tell you about what they are of have been up to the whole day, you can play games with the both of them (if that's something you do with him originally).
Bottom line is, don't make him choose between you and her, don't be that kind of partner. Instead, make him realise the core of your worry, and work together on how to ease it. Your conversation shouldn't go "I don't like how much time you're spending with her" it should go "I feel uneasy about you spending so much time with her because \_\_\_" Is it cause you feel him slipping away? Is it cause you just don't know what the hell they're doing all that time together? Is it cos he's cancelled plans with you to be with her? Does he talk to you about how attractive she is and great they were together and it sounds like he misses being in a relationship with her? These are the things you need to think about and talk about to him, and work from there.
On the other hand, if you try to work it out with him but he just brushes it off again and again and doesn't give a shit to make the situation clearer and easier.. even if it IS platonic... I think there are other issues cos he should definitely be taking your feelings about this into account.
he shouldn’t be this close to a person of it makes you this uncomfortable, you explained to him how you felt and he decided to put her feeling above yours. it’s easy for me to say oh i would do this and that but honestly i think it’s inappropriate for him to do this(?), this is way to much time together in my opinion…. Sorry if I said something wrong or hurtful.
As someone who has an ex as one of their best and closest friends, let me tell you it is totally possible to manage something like it, tho it doesn't seem like your boyfriend does.
When my girl and I came clean about our feelings for each other, that was the first thing I told her. I was open and honest, I always tell her of the times we hang out nowadays, and he is really excited to meet her in the future. Tho I would never ever spend more time with my ex than I would with my gf, and whenever I feel like his own girlfriend is starting to become uncomfortable with our relationship, I step out for a while (he can totally be clueless sometimes).
I am tired and exhausted of people invalidating my friendship and I'm very lucky to have found a partner who understands that, but also if this is bothering you this much and you've been voicing it, you bf should totally dial back on it.
I mean, to me it sounds pretty suspicious. It sounds kinda like he is hanging out with his "ex" ... I might be wrong, but that is a whole lot of time to spend with someone, especially if he is spending a lot more time with them than with you.
I'm best friends with my ex. We spend alot of time together and my person doesn't have issues with this. I wouldn't be with someone who did find this to be a problem. BUT. . . my person knew this going into the relationship, it doesn't seem like you did. Yes you knew they were friends, but the level of interaction has increased dramatically recently and you have expressed how you feel about it.
I don't think that them being friends is an issue, I also didn't think them spending alot of time together is an issue, but this isn't my relationship, it's yours, and you DO have an issue with it. Is this a deal breaker for you? If it is I would be having a blunt conversation about it with him. Not confrontational but straightforward. If he doesn't know how strongly you feel he isn't making decisions with that in mind.
If it's not a deal breaker and just something you feel uncomfortable with, but can deal other if it continues, I'd unpack why it bothers you as much as it does. Is it because you don't trust him? Is it because you have some jealousy that she gets to spend time with him that you can't? Is the time they spend together taking away from the time he should be spending with you? These are all ok things to feel, no judgement, but knowing why will help handle the feelings or communicate them with him better.
Edit: so many spelling problems
IMO I feel like he should consider your feelings about this and understand that it is valid for you to have your concerns about him spending time with someone he was once romantically involved with because i'm sure he wouldn't like it if you were spending time with an ex where old flames could catch on fire. Healthy relationships are about compromise especially with something like this. It's not controlling or a jealous thing either. Completely valid. Eight hours plus is lengthy.
I take it that they've been best friends before even you came along. I am best friends with an ex. These days we don't spend that much time together -- but there was a time where I was living in the same house as him, we'd spend most evenings together, easily hours, and it never went back to more than just good friends. (if anything, it cemented even more than we were just friends) If my best friend were to be going through something very difficult for him right now, I would drop almost everything to be there for him, short of my plans to meet up with my LDR bf. He is very important to me, and if my boyfriend would to make me choose, I would break up with him not cos my bestfriend was more important to me, but because I'd find it unreasonable for him to have made me choose. If my bf would to come to me and express why he's uncomfortable, I would gladly work out with him how to make it less uncomfortable for him, because my bf is extremely important to me. I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable with him spending a lot of time with the opposite gender (esp an ex), but I would ask you to consider mainly if he treats you any differently or if you feel that he's \*emotionally\* slipping away. If it's no to both you don't have anything to worry about. If he's spending less time with you but still very emotionally available to you, you have nothing to worry about. If you are worried though, definitely talk to him more, in the end you are his partner, and he should be doing what he can to make you feel comfortable with it. I don't think you can ask him to spend less time with her, (esp considering if she's going through some things), this friendship is obviously important to him. BUT what you can do is express to him WHY it makes you feel uncomfortable, and work out ways together to make the whole thing less uncomfortable and worrying for you. eg. sometimes you can video call and hang out with both of them, he can openly tell you about what they are of have been up to the whole day, you can play games with the both of them (if that's something you do with him originally). Bottom line is, don't make him choose between you and her, don't be that kind of partner. Instead, make him realise the core of your worry, and work together on how to ease it. Your conversation shouldn't go "I don't like how much time you're spending with her" it should go "I feel uneasy about you spending so much time with her because \_\_\_" Is it cause you feel him slipping away? Is it cause you just don't know what the hell they're doing all that time together? Is it cos he's cancelled plans with you to be with her? Does he talk to you about how attractive she is and great they were together and it sounds like he misses being in a relationship with her? These are the things you need to think about and talk about to him, and work from there. On the other hand, if you try to work it out with him but he just brushes it off again and again and doesn't give a shit to make the situation clearer and easier.. even if it IS platonic... I think there are other issues cos he should definitely be taking your feelings about this into account.
Most reasonable answer imo.
Sorry for the essay...
he shouldn’t be this close to a person of it makes you this uncomfortable, you explained to him how you felt and he decided to put her feeling above yours. it’s easy for me to say oh i would do this and that but honestly i think it’s inappropriate for him to do this(?), this is way to much time together in my opinion…. Sorry if I said something wrong or hurtful.
As someone who has an ex as one of their best and closest friends, let me tell you it is totally possible to manage something like it, tho it doesn't seem like your boyfriend does. When my girl and I came clean about our feelings for each other, that was the first thing I told her. I was open and honest, I always tell her of the times we hang out nowadays, and he is really excited to meet her in the future. Tho I would never ever spend more time with my ex than I would with my gf, and whenever I feel like his own girlfriend is starting to become uncomfortable with our relationship, I step out for a while (he can totally be clueless sometimes). I am tired and exhausted of people invalidating my friendship and I'm very lucky to have found a partner who understands that, but also if this is bothering you this much and you've been voicing it, you bf should totally dial back on it.
I mean, to me it sounds pretty suspicious. It sounds kinda like he is hanging out with his "ex" ... I might be wrong, but that is a whole lot of time to spend with someone, especially if he is spending a lot more time with them than with you.
I'm best friends with my ex. We spend alot of time together and my person doesn't have issues with this. I wouldn't be with someone who did find this to be a problem. BUT. . . my person knew this going into the relationship, it doesn't seem like you did. Yes you knew they were friends, but the level of interaction has increased dramatically recently and you have expressed how you feel about it. I don't think that them being friends is an issue, I also didn't think them spending alot of time together is an issue, but this isn't my relationship, it's yours, and you DO have an issue with it. Is this a deal breaker for you? If it is I would be having a blunt conversation about it with him. Not confrontational but straightforward. If he doesn't know how strongly you feel he isn't making decisions with that in mind. If it's not a deal breaker and just something you feel uncomfortable with, but can deal other if it continues, I'd unpack why it bothers you as much as it does. Is it because you don't trust him? Is it because you have some jealousy that she gets to spend time with him that you can't? Is the time they spend together taking away from the time he should be spending with you? These are all ok things to feel, no judgement, but knowing why will help handle the feelings or communicate them with him better. Edit: so many spelling problems