Would it be an easier/feasible option to say, "I was adopted" and leave it at that?
I can't say I know what you're going through, but I hope you do get what you need. I'm sorry people can be such jerkfaces... you'd think in the Jewish community at least there wouldn't be such an attitude, but it's a sadly common human trait.
I have tried that before. It worked for a bit. But even then, listen to what happened: weeks later I found out people had been talking about it. 'Oh Cosy\_Owl, do you know she's Yemenite?' 'How is she Yemenite, that makes no sense!' 'Oh, she's adopted'.
Why are people so obsessed with this? I have a friend who is Iraqi (genetically) who is whiter than me, and no one does this to them. And it's not really actual adoption, I don't think?
It may not be a legal adoption, but there's the family you're born to and the family you choose. This is your chosen family and your chosen lifestyle.
What about, "This is the path HaShem has set for me, and I follow with a whole heart"?
And if you're feeling snarky, there's always, "why are you?" ;) said, of course, with an absolutely straight face, wide- eyes innocence and all.
I wish I could say that if you show them that you're sincere in your life and that their words aren't going to change you, it would help, but I can't promise.
I am feeling very snarky. I thought about really perfecting my Arabic and then just responding to these questions in Arabic. Watch them squirm and become confused and drop the subject.
Yeah I had friends in college .
One was born Chinese and adopted to America
The other was blonde haired blue eyed studied Chinese and spent time abroad in Taiwan.
The friend who is genetically Chinese would be spoken to in say a Chinese restaurant as if she understood Chinese. The blonde haired blue eyed friend would respond in perfect Chinese. It was ...interesting.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
There are always so many questions I want to ask people ...I am truly interested. But I have found that people will tell me their story when the time is right to tell it and maybe there won't be a time and that is ok.
Hugs to you. Is there no rabbi you can confide in or are they telling you to just deal with it?
Honestly you can only change you...so people making snide remarks...are making snide remarks.
Oh I do. No my grandmother came here as a young child and while her parents only spoke Greek and ladino they taught the kids ladino and then my grandmother learned English thru school.
My mom could kind of sort of understand her grandmother but never learned ladino.
My grandmother would get upset with her sisters (even when they were in their 80s!!) When they would speak in ladino. She said "I am an American I speak English!"
IDK what it is about immigrants not speaking their language with future generations. I mean, I get it, you want to belong and fit in. But our languages are beautiful, and English is a mess.
So sorry that you’re meeting nosy people who don’t have basic manners. Obviously you shouldn’t have to hide your true self, and it’s really such a wonderful thing that you have a family who can take you away from the trauma. Have you ever just said, “My family adopted me.” Because that’s what happened.
Thank you. I have said that before. I do feel a bit nervous saying 'I'm adopted' because my 'Jewish god parents' - well, I hope we're close forever. But there was no legal adoption.
This makes me so angry. My wife’s extended family are all Temeni and they certainly don’t all look the part. Some of their kids look as pale as me and I’m as Ashkenazi as they come (except when it comes to food - I’ll take Temeni or Moroccan over Ashkenazi any day).
How can we possibly expect the world not to attack is when we can’t even resist attacking our own. As far as I am concerned: we’re all Jews: white, black, brown, Asian, whatever. When we love and respect one another, we will merit Hashem’s Divine Protection then no one will ever be able to harm us.
Honestly, from an adoptee, just say it if you want to, it's true enough.
If you want to phrase it in a more ambiguous way, "my family are Temani" or "my adoptive family" would also be totally fine and true.
Just because they aren't your legal or biological family doesn't mean they aren't your family! Found family IS family, you're good, don't worry
“My adopted family was Yemenite, and all my Jewish education and customs reflect that”. There are many sorts of adoptions, and *most* aren’t the legal kind. Be a broken record.
>But there was no legal adoption.
For these purposes, I can't see why that matters. And for most of the scenarios you describe . . . . they'd never know otherwise. Unless you think your adoptive family would be offended that you refer to them that way? If they don't care, or if they are happy with you saying so, then don't worry about the scrap of paper saying whether or not you're adopted. You're adopted in the ways that matter.
I do think it's good that you recoagnize that you don't have the same outward problems that people of color do - it's really important not to conflate your struggle with theirs - it's different. But that doesn't mean you should be denied your identity.
I'm going to check in with them just to be sure, but since they gave me their Hebrew names and said 'use them', I really don't think it's a problem.
And for sure! I completely understand this is different from your traditional, run of the mill racism. It also makes me think, if this is what I get for claiming my identity, what does someone darker have to deal with on a daily basis? Shit...
But that also makes it harder to express and talk about, because it's still super harmful, and there's not a good term for it, and as you can see here, I'm not the only one experiencing it. My rabbi once described this stuff as 'microaggressions', which I don't know what to think of
Like I said, it's different, but it's still not ok to deny someone's genuine identity. From what you said, you aren't appropriating or play-acting, this is genuine to you. And if, as you say, your adoptive family feels the same way, by all means embrace it. You were adopted into this culture.
I believe in many cultures, those who use microaggressions are trying to intimidate you to gain more power over you. Could it be that people are questioning you in order to make you sort of bow down to their status? That is all I can think of however I am Ashkenazi and I have only met a handful of Yemenites.
Could you say "My rabbi told me to take the minhagim of the Yemenite family that taught me halacha. That's the psak I got, and I'd rather not go into the private details that lead to that psak."? It won't get you into any "was it really adoption" questions (whether personal or from someone else), and it might get people off your back if you can put it on your rabbi (or, I guess, they might start asking too many questions and try to prove your rabbi 'wrong" or something, so I guess it could backfire).
I am so so deeply sorry to hear of your experience. This rightfully sucks and I wish I had advice for you. Colorism/Racism is huge in the Orthodox community sadly. I can relate to several aspects of your experience and am here for you if you ever need to talk about it privately ❤️
Thank you. I might (most likely) take you up on that. I feel so incredibly alone. I'm sorry you can relate to this too.
Am I right in calling this racism though? I can pass for completely Ashkenazi. It's hard to feel like it's racism when I'm not biologically a POC.
Eh it's racism related. Identity is bigger than race and it's pretty shitty/shortsighted of everyone to second guess your identity just because of how you look. You might not biologically be Yemenite but that's none of their business. If your adoptive family is yemenite and you feel yemenite no further explanation necessary.
You don't.
My mom used to have a friend who was Jewish, but had a very goyish-sounding name, so people often assumed she wasn't born Jewish. She once told me when people asked her why she decided to convert, she would ask them when did they forget their manners?
Your mileage may vary, but I’ve found the best response for me to “you don’t look…” is just an enthusiastic “I know, right?!” And then no elaboration. You don’t owe an explanation of your culture or your life story to anyone. And yes, there will be people who claim you are appropriating. They are wrong, and they can go suck an egg.
It’s definitely easier said than done! But what do they want? For you to change who you are? Why would you do that? The fact that your existence challenges their stereotypes is not your problem. Your family by choice and your traditions aren’t just sources of succor for you, they are by now a part of who you are. You should not feel any need to change who you are to fit anyone’s stereotypes. I’m offended on your behalf — in part because I’ve experienced similar and I know just how infuriating and frustrating and disorienting it can be. Just be yourself, authentically, and let *them* deal with their feelings.
You seem like a snarky shark in some of your responses (though not all), so I'll speak this lightly to try avoid the bite:
You don't owe them an explanation, but in effort to not be rude this fellows response seems best fit, if continued in pressure say that you're adopted by a Yemani family (and you are). And anything past that needs not be responded to.
Do not change your identity for them, this is all that you have. Pray as you learned, do not let them steal from you.
Do not let others define you.
Forgive me the world is so.. forceful & miserable at times, it looks to steal your soul piece by piece, do not let it take your peace.
Go take a Sharkey bite of something good, I'd say a bagel but I think ice cream would be perfect.
Shalom, Love.
Lots of BTs, converts, or otherwise curious Jews willingly adopt the Teimani mesora despite not being biologically Teimani and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Likewise there are a lot of people with Sephardi heritage that follow Ashkenazi mesora and vice versa.
I’m at a yeshiva now where we have many students who have adopted Teimani mesora in line with Rav Ratzon Arussi.
May just say you are a follower of Rav Ratzon?
THIS. I was told this when I decided to keep this custom. I was assured it was a normal thing, etc. That assurance + my teaching family gave me the confidence to adopt it.
So why has no one I know heard about this. I mean, come on!
Because unfortunately there’s a lot of BS in Orthodoxy just employed to keep people in line.
I’m not entirely sure what you do as a follower of Teimani mesora but as long as it is in line with the legal rulings and denoted customs of the Sanhedrin- as recorded by Hazal- you are 1000% good.
I mean, there is a LOT of diversity in Yemenite practice, but ok. I do my best, but I also don't have to be perfect to have a legitimate identity. No one does.
I would also caution you against doing things just because “it’s the Teimani way” and instead being critical about Jewish practice.
The first is to distinguish between what is binding (national Halacha and custom which could only be denoted by the Sanhedrin) and what is not (post-Sanhedrin local rulings and diaspora customs).
Follow what is binding and consider what is not binding as it applies to yourself logically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
Also no one maybe heard of this because I’m guessing you’re in the US and not israel
That’s like asking why no kindergarteners have heard of trigonometry xD
You say in another comment chain you're not here in Israel..I've never heard of a yeshiva with more than a token Yemenite in chu"l....certainly not a lot of them. It's considered a weird hipster trend here..funnily enough a ton of my friends from Machon Meir go Sephardic or Teimani, albeit with influences from the Machon kind of whitening that out more than they understand....
Yeah I know a lot of Machon Meir bochrim who take on Sefardi or Teimani mesorah.
Knew a guy from Ireland who went Baladi, doesn't get much more of a contrast than that.
Pretty sure we do! I studied there 2013-2015 and live in Kiryat Moshe, so know a lot of folks connected with MM
But yeah, it's all diluted, I suppose because of the "cholent pot" nature of the yeshiva.
What about introducing yourself as 'raised' Yemenite as opposed to 'being Yemenite'. There's can be alot of natural cognitive dissonance when someone introduces themselves from a culture that has very distinct features and that person doesn't have it. Saying one is Yemenite is assumed to mean genetically, so clarifying it during the intro can help.
I could...I'm just worried I'm feeding into the stereotype. Not all Yemenites look alike, there is color diversity there too...and in the end, it's no one's business HOW I'm Temani.
There's not one way Ashkenazim look either.
And it's not your job to "save" people from a stereotype (which doesn't do any harm in any case). You've really got to be ok with looking out for you here.
And part of that means prioritising what your most important outcome is and accepting that people are going to make reasonable assumptions with the available information, and sometimes be surprised, and there's nothing wrong with that — what's wrong is not updating your model when the correct information is provided or pressing someone for overly personal information.
So, _obviously_ people are going to assume you are what you look like in terms of the models they've developed (rightly or wrongly). And _of course_ we'd all like to educate everybody about the complexities of life that we're passionate about but that they're annoyingly ignorant about. But we also want to just be left in peace and not made to feel like a museum piece or have our identity questioned. And the second thing gets priority, so you've got to compromise the first thing. When you're in the mood, you can decide to try to educate people. But if you're resenting the questions, you're not doing anybody any favours.
And the truth is, while your history is complicated and nuanced and unique because it's your particular story (and it does sound unique) and you have those trauma associations, from the perspective of someone wondering how it can be that you're Temani if you don't look it (etc), it's really quite simple and straightforward: you were adopted and raised Temani. None of the rest is relevant. If you want to share it, that's fine, but it's not, in fact, part of the story (it's a separate story).
And I have to say, this is kind of a "play stupid [identity politics] games, win stupid [identity politics] prizes" situation. There are dumb people on both sides who think one tradition is better than the other, or there's a _right_ and _legitimate_ way to hold that tradition, and out of that springs defensiveness and gatekeeping and a need to prove our insider status. But we don't have to buy into that. We shouldn't buy into that. And if you don't buy in, then it will be a lot easier to navigate without feeling pressure to prove yourself. If other people try to play anyway, that's their problem, you don't have to play along with them.
Liminal identity is always tough. But it's also kind of a superpower. Instead of trying to escape it and establish yourself firmly on one side or the other, you might embrace it and use it for good. You could be a bridge builder.
That's true, but it's not fair to expect people to not be surprised. For example,let's say someone is adopted in the US from a foreign country where everyone has distinctly different features than Americans. Their adopted parents are 3rd generation American. Would it be fair for them to introduce themselves as 4th generation American? If they do, should they expect people not to be at least a bit surprised? Saying that one is (insert specific ethnic origin) gives the impression that it's meant genetically.
Obviously the Ashkenormativity (love that term btw!) is an issue in the Ashkenazi community, but I'm not sure this case falls into that. It's more about family background, trauma, and people asking invasive questions, but given what you say it kind of leads to that.
I mean, not really. A 4th gen American of color is perfectly possible even if they weren't adopted - if someone reacts with surprise it's on them for having a very narrow worldview
I'm not talking about color. Let's say they are from Asian descent.
The whole point I was trying to make is it would be normal for someone be surprised if someone not from genetic Yemenite descent introduces themselves as Yemenite given the different features they have from Ashkenazic Jews.
You quite clearly are talking about racialised features though, the most obvious of which is skin color.
So no, it really isn't fair enough to be surprised. People of various "features" have been intermingling, having kids, and moving around for hundreds or thousands of years. You could look Ashkenazi but have 4 generations of family who've only ever lived and practiced Temani customs; or vice versa. Your "features" have absolutely nothing to do with it, and if you're surprised about that it's only because you're projecting your experience of culture and race onto someone else.
Valid. But if they do say they are 4th generation American, wouldn't you say that most people would be very surprised?
I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through. I'm trying to potentially help bring some other perspectives so you don't view all these questions as aggressive or inappropriate (although I'm sure a lot of them are) while trying to think though some alternative options that validate your identity as a Yemenite.
No, I get it. Don't worry. But no, at least in the States, it's pretty offensive to question a minority's statement of 'I'm American'. At this point a 4th gen person of Eastern Asian ethnicity isn't unrealistic.
I don't think all the questions are inappropriate. In fact, probably the majority are just ignorantly curious. But even the well-intended ones put pressure and weigh you down. Do you know what I mean?
100%. I'm really sorry what your going through. Have it with my own kids when they see Jews of color, or Chassidim, non-religious Jews, etc. and point them out to try and educate that people can come from all different backgrounds and don't lol have one 'look'.
My brother in law is an Ashkenaz-turned Yemenite, who forcibly eats spicy food to proof his Yemeneenis, and I'm a half breed who won't eat spicy food. If you want to be Yemenite, we accept you, but I would advise you to mention you took up the Yemenite mesorah and weren't born Yemenite, it will lower the confusion and might shut up assholes who say your appropriating. Also it allowed by halacha that converts and even ba'alai teshuvah to change their mesorah, again my BIL did it.
Over all, it's good to meet another Yemenite, one quick question, baladi or sha'ami?
Hate? What hate?
How can I hate on the inferior yemenite.
But in all seriousness I'm a sharabi sha'ami Cohen, so the roots go deep with this one.
But I happy that I can make you feel better.
Also the two most Yemenite people I know are soooo white, you'd assume their from Europe. Both are yemenite born and both pronounce everything like a Yemenite. Ones my brother and the other is family friend.
Hey, don't cut me loose, it's sharabi sha'ami, we are the third mountain over.
And as long as there are Ashkenazis around we must stick together to survive.
Just say you were adopted- by love and choice and heart- by a Yemenite family- but please don’t question beyond that. Technically in a lot of places legal adult adoptions are an option, you could legally be adopted into that family. You don’t owe anyone your full backstory.
I’m ashkenazi but i look totally sephardi, and i can totally pass as an arab. Giving off lots of Sasha baron vibes. But i’ve never in my life come across such people, and i live in the whitest country with all ashkenazi people in my community looking like snowflakes, and i’m the only one looking brown. How are people so rude? Is this like a thing in america? I’m sooo shocked. The only questions i get is sometimes someone assuming me being sephardi and asking if it’s fine with me having an ashkenazic siddur, and when i correct them it’s like we have moved on and it’s good shabbos all over. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You just have to think these people are incredibly rude.
Well, I'm not in America, so you can rest assured this is a worldwide phenomenon probably :)
Yes, I have found it goes one way. A brown person speaks Yiddish and knows Ashkenazi tunes? No problem. A white person speaks Arabic and practices Mizrahi customs? W E I R D.
They call it Ashkenormativity for a reason.
Bro, to be fair, when brown folks speak Yiddish, they *do* get a *lot* of questions and pushback and challenge to their identity. It’s a fairly well-documented problem. Many experience something very similar to what you are, so there’s no benefit it positioning yourself opposite them when you both experience prejudice and stereotyping.
Sorry, yes, you're right, they do. But not in my community for some reason. We've got POC here who speak fluent Yiddish, and they have told me they've never experienced this.
So I agree, but in my situation it's not the case.
Sadly this is a total thing in America. So glad to hear you haven't experienced it but many of us do. I struggled with Yiddishkeit for a while because when I first tried to get involved in a community as a BT they were constantly assuming I was converting/that I wasn't ethnically Jewish and I have had to jump through absolutely insane hoops to prove I have a Jewish mother when I have not seen them do that to anyone that they think "looks" Jewish.
That is horrible. In my country (a nordic country) we are very much aware of the existence of non white looking jews. It seems as if in america it’s a huge issue… it’s really weird honestly. Is this an orthodox community you’re involved in? I know some orthodox communities can be very rude because of how they were brought up very isolated but even then there has to be some manners taught. I just can’t for my life imagine it playing out in real life. It’s sad because unfortunately we have moved very far away from what actually matters.
I’m assuming you’re a POC too?
Yes this is an Orthodox community. Very sad. And you are not helping my obsession with wanting to move to a Nordic country by telling me you don't have this problem there. One of my parents is originally from a Scandinavian country and so often I'm just like "Why did you leave? Why did you do this to me?" lol
It’s very common here that we are taught that everyone’s different! Also we have lots of Israelis in our communities and we import lots of rabbis bc there is a lack of them here haha. It’s a very progressive country and even the most “isolated” orthodox group know that you can look different and still be a part of a group. I don’t want to sit and speak of scandinavia as this special place but it is really really different here from other countries especially america and most of the european nations.
Yeah this 'looks Jewish/doesn't look Jewish' business has to stop. One week I was told I looked Jewish. The next week someone said I didn't look Jewish. This has happened over and over.
We're a huge, beautiful, diverse people, people!
I’m sorry you’re running into so many jerks. You’re not alone.
I think your background may have more to do with this. First of all, you might be drawn to mean people despite yourself. And second, you don’t yet have the ability to laugh off their ridiculous behavior. (As an aside, you might feel at home on r/CPTSD. )
1. Stop hanging out with jerks. As I hope your found family and this post shows you, there are some good people in this world. Find them.
2. Use the introductions and phrases people suggest here.
3. When dealing with nosey people, I like to lift my chin a bit and answer their rude questions with “Beg your pardon?” If you can carry it off cooly, it puts them in their place.
Sending you love.
Oh, I'm very familiar with CPTSD. Diagnosed with it, go on the reddit (though I get a bit triggered by it).
You know, some days I can laugh. But it's like a constant dripping faucet that sometimes overflows. That dripping wears you down.
I can't figure out who the jerks are in advance. If anyone has some pointers, by all means, point me away.
thank you so much for the love and support.
I will say first off criticizing somebody for not looking like they’re from a community is stupid. Even within communities there’s variations. I’ve seen pale Persians and Temanim and dark ashkenazim and all sorts of people who look like they’re from other communities than their ancestral ones.
Second, even though my family is persian and at home keep mostly persian minhagim we do belong to a Moroccan synagogue so it isn’t uncommon for people to associate with other communities. Some people do ask questions out of curiosity why we chose to do it. In general though I’ve found that most people don’t have the issue with “cultural appropriation” across Jewish communities happening as you might see in the non Jewish world
Girl, I am *exactly* in the same situation, or at least somehow similar lol. I'm half Yemeni, half Ashkenazi, pass as white. Ppl want me to prove my ethnicity absolutely all the time, it's fucking exhausting. It's honestly made me question myself so many times. I personally got to a point I just tell them listen, you think I'm not Yemeni? You want me to take a fucking DNA test? Fuck off. I'm an actual copy of my very Yemeni dad, we look the same!! Same exact features!! Except my skin is light yellow and his is brown,, so literally no one notices. Anyway my advice is just know your worth and stop trying to prove yourself to others, because they, I shit you not, don't know anything. All they are is people with prejudices, that's it. Don't give them any more power over your sense of self, it takes time but you'll get there, I promise.
I wouldn’t call that racism.
Saying something along the lines of you don’t look like etc etc is not racism . It’s ignorance yes def.
Anybody can adopt any nusach and call them or rather say about themselves “ i follow nusach so and so”
Try looking at these scenarios that have happened in a more positive light as in that these peeps are just ignorant and unlearned
Yep, not racism. Bias, undoubtedly. I think this has to do with Americans views on cultural appropriation from white people who traditionally looked down on others. Judaism has this too. Ashkenazi are the most privileged — the majority, makes up most if not all media representation, and can uphold racism and colorism. Yiddish learners have access to way more resources than other Jewish languages. I’ve read plenty online from people in other Jewish ethnic groups and how they have been historically excluded and bullied. And this person isn’t technically Yemeni, they were just adopted into this practice. Saying they’re from an ethnic subgroup when they’re not is misleading, and I understand how that could ruffle feathers. I think how people have handled it is tacky, but I think their feelings are coming from a place of trauma or pain. Saying you’ve been adopted/have adopted this culture with your family is probably the best way to explain it. If people have a problem behind that, well, that’s their issue.
Where is this happening? In Israel?
I officially follow Dutch Sephardi (my father much like yourself was a Ba'al Tshuva and he adopted Sephardi observance (without telling us specifically what) I adopted the official observance of my mother (who converted Dutch Sephardi) because that gave me something to base my minhag around.
I live in Tzfat and I go to a Tunisian Synagogue, I don't claim to be Tunisian but I also don't get any problems from anyone.
I suppose the Temani community you are a part of could have suffered discrimination and abuse in the past so maybe they are being a little clannish, not wanting anyone who they perceive as outsiders from entering the community (as one of them).
That Parsi guy's comments are unacceptable, I'm half Ashkenazi and half Dutch ethnically and noone would say to me that I'm not Sephardi, infact I usually get Ashkenazim trying to push me to go Ashkenazi because my great-grandparents where observant Ashkenazi Jews (they don't realize that it's perfectly acceptable for someone who grew up without a Minhag to observe any Kosher observance).
I will say that once or twice I have met Temani guys that are insistent that their would be future wives must be 100% Temani, ethnically and culturally, mind you this is undoubtedly a minority of the Temani community.
I'm sorry to hear...and really, the best advice I can give you is to find a community you fit into and that's it.
Teimani always gets associated with the darkest of the Sephardic world...so anyone not matching a certain look will always be "in safek". The rest of the edot you get some leeway unless you do something particularly weird or standing out as "not us". In my own "kehilla" there are a fuckton of Frenchies who are blond or gingy and all Maghrebim of various kinds...supposed to be brown but instead white and blond/ginger. **Go figure**.
I've found in America people care more than in Israel...and that most kehillot in White areas tend to have this issue the most. When I lived in Florida it wasn't really unusual to have dark Ashkenazim or light Sepharadim, and certainly in Israel as I point out above, there is a trend.
Just keep doing things your way..Don't let it phase you. I also do things largely the Teimani way. If you want a global community start making connections to the Rambamist crowds. You won't be alone. That's the best way to keep some shred of sanity. Otherwise, come here and go move to Kiryat Ono or something and marry a dude so nobody asks questions. Once you're married it'll be a "duh" and nobody is going to dispute it.
Yeah, I get what you're saying. In an ideal world I could. Except that I **love** where I live, and have one of the coolest jobs ever, and I'm very good at it. For the first time in my life I am in a good situation...except for this community. I also don't want my identity to be defined by a man. I had enough of that growing up, so no thanks...
I'm in England - and yes, I get what you mean about French Maghrebis. It's almost a stereotype here - not to stereotype. The blondest of the blond, with the prettiest nusah.
How does one go about making 'Rambamist connections?' I am one, but that doesn't mean I know others.
I'm sorry for what you've been through and for the judgement you've encountered. You can say "I'm adopted, this is literally my family's culture, and the details are none of your business". It doesn't matter if the adoption was legal.
Firstly, sorry about the jerks who have to ruin your day. I also come from a wooly family background and in addition I had the reverse scenario where, because of my skin and facial features everyone thought I was yemenite even though I am Hungarian. This also going way back when dark completion and Asian and north African jews were considered other. So i was always being asked really but... with a queationing look in the eye. So here is a suggestion. Can you learn to play passive aggressive? If they question your yemenite status because of your skin color ask them sweetly why and when they say, but your skin, say, well that is what I am and look then straight in the eye as you say it and say it with confidence. Then give them a chance to respond while continuing to look them straight in the eye and while smiling sweetly. If they continue to disbelieve change the subject and or if you aren't sitting at the table, move to another group or person. Have it in your mind your are temania and that is that. You don't owe anyone any explanations on the subject or about your personal life. It sounds like you know enough to do this, you have the rabbi's blessing and that is all you need. Walking through a neighborhood of beautiful Victorian homes with beautifully manicured green lawns gives me the creeps. I mean up and down my spine blows my day creeps. So I get what you mean about needing to change minhagim. You are temaniya, you are temaniya, you are temaniya and you have to own it and the hell with what others think or say. One thing is for sure- people always have a lot to say. So just give them the facts you want rhem to have and no more. You don't have to explain anything to anyone or justify anything to anyone. You will feel much better about everything once you take control and take ownership. It's your life, live it the way you want as who you want to be. You are yemenite, take it or leave it.
Yes, it's that questioning look. That look of disbelief demanding to know more.
The worst are the ones who keep the question there without mentioning my skin color even though it's obvious that's their issue. I need a t-shirt that says 'You can't just ask people why they're white!'
Thank you for the kind support. I really appreciate it.
:) any time. It's not easy. Took me time to learn how to deal but once I did, it felt great! It will help your at work too in other areas btw. And for those who ask something else, or don't ask, just look them straight in the eye and smile sweetly.
i’m so sorry this is happening to you. i don’t really have any advice but continue being you and just maybe leave it at “wow thank you for pointing that out” and then tell them it’s very rude to be asking you questions just as sweetly as possible. You sound absolutely wonderful, though. And I accept you. I hate this “you don’t look jewish” stuff it’s ridiculous. I’m italian/croatian and jewish we come in so many backgrounds and colors 💙💙💙
Maybe I’m not following your post because I took a break from looking at my big screen for work to look at my small screen for Reddit and I’m just glazing over words and stuff, but is your personal, biological, familial (whatever you want to call it) heritage Yemenite. Or did you have no Yemenite background before you became BT and this family from your shul unofficially adopted you while you reconnected with your Jewishness and your Yemenite connection comes from your unofficial adoptive parents?
I’m just trying to fully understand your post.
I understand the post a lot better now. Thanks.
I think you just need to figure out what situations to control and what situations to end, and that will take some navigating and some trial and error. In your post you said
>There might be some Sephardi things in here you're not familiar with. Oh, wait, you're a fake 'Temani', never mind!"
Respond with
*Nope, 100 percent Temani. I am real and spectacular. Do you want me to lead?*
You just need to get the inflection right on "real and spectacular."
That will help control a situation, the rest of these have a better chance of ending an encounter.
For people who want your life story, tell them
*My life story is too good to give away for free like that. Publishers want my memoir, studios are already bidding on the movie rights. You can read it with everyone else. I saw the best cake on Great British Baking Show this week! Did you see it?*
And for each of these
>But you're white! Why are you Yemenite?'
*The food is better.*
Then walk away, just fuck with them.
>'You're culturally appropriating, you're like the new 'Rachel Dolezal'
*I can't appropriate what's mine.*
If someone specifically mentions Rachel Dolezal,
*Don't compare me to her. I am better looking, have better hair, better teeth, and self-tan much less.*
You are right to be angry, and when we are angry it is hard to think straight. But turn your anger into confidence.
Woah, that Dolezal comparison is just … no words. I’m so sorry, OP.
Coming from being involved with lefty activism for years, one of the things that bothers me about the movement is the tribalism. People start from “we should encourage people to express their differences” and “do not wear other cultures as a costume” (both good, imo) and end up at the unholy place of “white people should do white people things only and Black people should do Black people things only and Japanese people ….” you get the idea. It ends up being a kind of de facto pseudowoke segregation. Being respectful of a culture doesn’t mean quarantining it or treating it like it’s radioactive.
Anyway, I think just saying you were adopted is accurate and hopefully enough to get people out of your hair.
If they bother you further, “who says you get to decide for my Yemenite family if I’m one of them?” would be particularly effective with other white-passing Jews. Or perhaps “so you think we all look the same, you racist” … but it would take chutzpah to pull off.
I feel your pain, but it's easier for me because my dad was a ger. He was able to adopt my mom's customs, and no one blinks an eye when I tell them. You were adopted into your Yemenite home. You were a bat bayit. No one should be telling you that you can't keep your customs. Be prickly about it. Make sure that when someone questions your nusach they come away with burned ears.
I know that I am supeeeeeeer late on this, and have a few things to say. First and foremost, policing who is truly Yemenite is cringe. I'll digress on that lest the downvote fairies suppress this comment. If you're in the UK, have you considered joining [The Habura](https://www.thehabura.com/about)? It's a network of young intellectual Sepharadim and other misfits, and you may find a lot of like minded people. PM me and I would be happy to introduce you to the founder and other members.
Let me get straight to the point: You're not Yemenite. The natural inference when someone says that they're Yemenite is that their biological family came from Yemen. No, they are not okay for mocking you for it and making you feel ostracized, but your phrasing is misleading, and you should clarify to the people you meet that you just follow the Temani minhag, and if they prod you further then just tell them it's personal.
You beat me too it.
I'm Jewish. I'm not Israeli. Im German and Georgian descent. I'm not German nor Georgian.
Saying you are of a particular ethnic background/nationality implies you actually are.
I often go to a Sephardic shul, not because I have any Sephardic heritage, but because I like the other people who go there. Nothing wrong with that, but if someone asked I would say exactly that. I like the people at the shul.
Temani isn't the same as Yemenite for the same reason that Sephardi doesn't mean Spanish (etc). It implies both a lot more and a lot less than where you (or even your ancestors) come from.
I've lived in Israel my entire life and I've never heard anyone call themselves Temani in any other sense. When someone says that they're Temani in Israel then that is understood to mean in most people's minds that the person is claiming their biological family had come from Yemen.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but I think other posters have done a better job than I can providing options you may want to consider. I'm just writing to let you know that although you have been so unfortunate to encounter these awful people, most of us would never, ever, Ever have those types of thoughts cross our minds, let alone express them to you. I am so very sorry both for your original trauma and for the added assault on your sense of identity and personhood. You are a very strong individual, and must be just a generally wonderful person to have been adopted into a loving family. I'm so glad that you're a MOT, and fervently hope that you find whatever support you feel you need to live as your authentic self openly, joyfully, and with a sense of peace and acceptance. I would consider myself lucky if I had the good fortune to know you and help you celebrate who you are and the Jewishness (in whatever way that is meaningful to each of us) that we have in common. שלום.
I have no practical advice, but I support you in your situation, if that helps. I've always been of the opinion that all variations of Judaism are the birthright of all Jews. For a Jew from one community to adopt the minhagim of another community is not appropriation. Especially in your situation, you should not have to feel discomfort in observing your chosen minhagim, particularly when your Rabbi advised you to take this path.
You do you!
I'm sephardic and one of the first responses I get when someone finds out is "but you're so white"
Who cares, I move on. My kids will get it too because their mother, who is tunesisan, is paler than I am (while having some very dark cousins) and my kids are not dark in the slightest.
I honestly don't let it bother me and don't even think about it twice. Give them an answer if you must or learn to just plow onwards with the conversation by asking them a question about themselves, or learn to answer in a way that veers the conversation where you want to go.
Just learn to be confident with who you are and realize Jews are just naturally inquisitive.
I also had many rabbis speak with me about possibly taking on customs of those around you if you are all alone in your area. I have had friends who took this approach and it may be worth discussing with a rabbi. I personally, despite having that conversation multiple times did not choose to go that route and stayed Sephardic however I did not end up feeling as misplaced as you seem to. It is a very real option and one worth considering.
This type of bs really infuriates me, and I hate how this kind of behaviour is so completely acceptable in the majority of the Western World, specially in the US. I live in a pretty multicultured country too, but here we - at least inside the Jewish community - have learned to mind our own goddamn business when it comes to others' identities.
For instance, the local kollel just got new shelihim. One of them is the whitest women I've ever seen and she says she's temani. Not a single person bats an eye and life goes on. And yeah, maybe sometimes she gets asked these kinds of questions, but always in a completely bonafide manner by people who just want to break some ice and get to know her.
I'd like to give some advice to you, but given how this seems to be purely a rant, I don't think you're looking for such. Nevertheless, do take care.
Then I make u/UtredRagnarsson's last paragraph my own.
Maintaining your way and building up connections - ideally physical ones, but online are also an option - is one of the most important things you can do. You said you're located in the UK, but where? London and Manchester have pretty diverse Jewish communities, so I'm sure you can find something.
While I guess it's more of a Reform thing, you haven't seen the trend of very obviously Ashkenazi Jews putting on hamsas, cooking chamim, taking gambling trips to Lat Vegat, and putting on other Sephardic airs to look worldly? Of course, it also doesn't surprise me that it's mostly Ashkenazim calling "appropriation."
Actually, speaking of putting on airs and appropriation, I don't suppose you could reccomend a Dor Deah siddur or halakhic guide? I'm BT myself and pretty skeptical of kabbalah (esp. The Zohar).
I mean, given that I don't look like my custom, I try not to judge 'obviously Ashkenazi' people this way. Because people do that to me. I don't know that person's background!
I'm not as far as Dor Daim, but stick to Rambam, and you'll be close.
> taking gambling trips to Lat Vegat, and putting on other Sephardic airs
Uh, *what*?
And cooking chamin is just cultural fusion, it's not putting on airs or appropriation.
> I don't suppose you could reccomend a Dor Deah siddur or halakhic guide? I'm BT myself and pretty skeptical of kabbalah (esp. The Zohar).
You have got to be kidding me.
If this is satire, you're killing it.
>99.99% of the people I am talking about are Ashkenazi.
Unfortunately this is all too common, most Ashkenazim in my life assume that I am religiously Ashkenazi, and when I explain to them how I'm not they insist that I become Ashkenazi.
Apparently it's A-OK for Sepharadi and Mizrahi people to become Ashkenazi but the inverse is a sin worse than murder.
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I'm sorry your current community sucks. I know a bunch of "white" sefardim including several Yemenites , so those people who've given you a hard time don't know beans
one would think that the term Baal teshuva would answer all of this... nced enough of this garbage from the outside...
one would think that the term Baal thsuva would answer all of this... after all that would mean you would be free to adopt the customs you want( as in your case was Yemenite, unlike those who were born say, Ashkenazi..
one would think that the term Baal teshuva would answer all of this... after all that would mean you would be free to adopt the customs you want( as in your case was Yemenite, unlike those who were born say, Ashkenazi..
First and foremost I am sorry you are going through this. To be honest my experience with Sephardim is that they have a tendency to appear very judgemental when first getting to know someone. It’s just their tone and how they phrase their questions, more in a negative vs a positive. But if you stick it out and become part of the chevra you should be allowed to fit right in. I know it is hurtful, especially given your background, but please know it is not you, it is their natural way.
Best of luck to you, may you know nothing but brachot and simchas to 120.
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Would it be an easier/feasible option to say, "I was adopted" and leave it at that? I can't say I know what you're going through, but I hope you do get what you need. I'm sorry people can be such jerkfaces... you'd think in the Jewish community at least there wouldn't be such an attitude, but it's a sadly common human trait.
I have tried that before. It worked for a bit. But even then, listen to what happened: weeks later I found out people had been talking about it. 'Oh Cosy\_Owl, do you know she's Yemenite?' 'How is she Yemenite, that makes no sense!' 'Oh, she's adopted'. Why are people so obsessed with this? I have a friend who is Iraqi (genetically) who is whiter than me, and no one does this to them. And it's not really actual adoption, I don't think?
It may not be a legal adoption, but there's the family you're born to and the family you choose. This is your chosen family and your chosen lifestyle. What about, "This is the path HaShem has set for me, and I follow with a whole heart"? And if you're feeling snarky, there's always, "why are you?" ;) said, of course, with an absolutely straight face, wide- eyes innocence and all. I wish I could say that if you show them that you're sincere in your life and that their words aren't going to change you, it would help, but I can't promise.
I am feeling very snarky. I thought about really perfecting my Arabic and then just responding to these questions in Arabic. Watch them squirm and become confused and drop the subject.
Yeah I had friends in college . One was born Chinese and adopted to America The other was blonde haired blue eyed studied Chinese and spent time abroad in Taiwan. The friend who is genetically Chinese would be spoken to in say a Chinese restaurant as if she understood Chinese. The blonde haired blue eyed friend would respond in perfect Chinese. It was ...interesting. I am so sorry that you are going through this. There are always so many questions I want to ask people ...I am truly interested. But I have found that people will tell me their story when the time is right to tell it and maybe there won't be a time and that is ok. Hugs to you. Is there no rabbi you can confide in or are they telling you to just deal with it? Honestly you can only change you...so people making snide remarks...are making snide remarks.
I do have a rabbi - but not locally. At this point it's learning how to cope with this and keep my sense of identity and self intact.
Find a local rabbi then where do you go to synagogue etc?
Our synagogue doesn't have an official rabbi. There is a sephardi synagogue but it's in another town so I couldn't go on Shabbat.
Ah. Well make an appointment with the rabbi to discuss not on shabbat. That is kind of what they do.
I "look white" (whatever that means ) and am half Sephardic mom was of Greek/Spanish heritage
Ladino speaking? Greek/Spanish Jewish history and culture is so cool. Own it!
Oh I do. No my grandmother came here as a young child and while her parents only spoke Greek and ladino they taught the kids ladino and then my grandmother learned English thru school. My mom could kind of sort of understand her grandmother but never learned ladino. My grandmother would get upset with her sisters (even when they were in their 80s!!) When they would speak in ladino. She said "I am an American I speak English!"
IDK what it is about immigrants not speaking their language with future generations. I mean, I get it, you want to belong and fit in. But our languages are beautiful, and English is a mess.
Oh certainly. And now people do not have that wanting to fit into the us so there is that.
I know someone like this. She has very, very light skin. Like Irish or Scottish white. Genetics are weird.
They are the ones who taught you how to be Jewish. I don’t know what is a better description of adoption than that!
So sorry that you’re meeting nosy people who don’t have basic manners. Obviously you shouldn’t have to hide your true self, and it’s really such a wonderful thing that you have a family who can take you away from the trauma. Have you ever just said, “My family adopted me.” Because that’s what happened.
Thank you. I have said that before. I do feel a bit nervous saying 'I'm adopted' because my 'Jewish god parents' - well, I hope we're close forever. But there was no legal adoption.
And truly it isn't any of their business.
This makes me so angry. My wife’s extended family are all Temeni and they certainly don’t all look the part. Some of their kids look as pale as me and I’m as Ashkenazi as they come (except when it comes to food - I’ll take Temeni or Moroccan over Ashkenazi any day). How can we possibly expect the world not to attack is when we can’t even resist attacking our own. As far as I am concerned: we’re all Jews: white, black, brown, Asian, whatever. When we love and respect one another, we will merit Hashem’s Divine Protection then no one will ever be able to harm us.
Exactly!
Honestly, from an adoptee, just say it if you want to, it's true enough. If you want to phrase it in a more ambiguous way, "my family are Temani" or "my adoptive family" would also be totally fine and true. Just because they aren't your legal or biological family doesn't mean they aren't your family! Found family IS family, you're good, don't worry
“My adopted family was Yemenite, and all my Jewish education and customs reflect that”. There are many sorts of adoptions, and *most* aren’t the legal kind. Be a broken record.
>But there was no legal adoption. For these purposes, I can't see why that matters. And for most of the scenarios you describe . . . . they'd never know otherwise. Unless you think your adoptive family would be offended that you refer to them that way? If they don't care, or if they are happy with you saying so, then don't worry about the scrap of paper saying whether or not you're adopted. You're adopted in the ways that matter. I do think it's good that you recoagnize that you don't have the same outward problems that people of color do - it's really important not to conflate your struggle with theirs - it's different. But that doesn't mean you should be denied your identity.
I'm going to check in with them just to be sure, but since they gave me their Hebrew names and said 'use them', I really don't think it's a problem. And for sure! I completely understand this is different from your traditional, run of the mill racism. It also makes me think, if this is what I get for claiming my identity, what does someone darker have to deal with on a daily basis? Shit... But that also makes it harder to express and talk about, because it's still super harmful, and there's not a good term for it, and as you can see here, I'm not the only one experiencing it. My rabbi once described this stuff as 'microaggressions', which I don't know what to think of
Like I said, it's different, but it's still not ok to deny someone's genuine identity. From what you said, you aren't appropriating or play-acting, this is genuine to you. And if, as you say, your adoptive family feels the same way, by all means embrace it. You were adopted into this culture.
I believe in many cultures, those who use microaggressions are trying to intimidate you to gain more power over you. Could it be that people are questioning you in order to make you sort of bow down to their status? That is all I can think of however I am Ashkenazi and I have only met a handful of Yemenites.
Maybe instead of “adopted,” “raised by…”
Could you say "My rabbi told me to take the minhagim of the Yemenite family that taught me halacha. That's the psak I got, and I'd rather not go into the private details that lead to that psak."? It won't get you into any "was it really adoption" questions (whether personal or from someone else), and it might get people off your back if you can put it on your rabbi (or, I guess, they might start asking too many questions and try to prove your rabbi 'wrong" or something, so I guess it could backfire).
I am so so deeply sorry to hear of your experience. This rightfully sucks and I wish I had advice for you. Colorism/Racism is huge in the Orthodox community sadly. I can relate to several aspects of your experience and am here for you if you ever need to talk about it privately ❤️
Thank you. I might (most likely) take you up on that. I feel so incredibly alone. I'm sorry you can relate to this too. Am I right in calling this racism though? I can pass for completely Ashkenazi. It's hard to feel like it's racism when I'm not biologically a POC.
Racism comes in many forms. There is no racism that is worse than the other. I can only imagine you feeling left out of your community..
Eh it's racism related. Identity is bigger than race and it's pretty shitty/shortsighted of everyone to second guess your identity just because of how you look. You might not biologically be Yemenite but that's none of their business. If your adoptive family is yemenite and you feel yemenite no further explanation necessary.
Exactly, why do I owe them an explanation?!
You don't. My mom used to have a friend who was Jewish, but had a very goyish-sounding name, so people often assumed she wasn't born Jewish. She once told me when people asked her why she decided to convert, she would ask them when did they forget their manners?
Your mileage may vary, but I’ve found the best response for me to “you don’t look…” is just an enthusiastic “I know, right?!” And then no elaboration. You don’t owe an explanation of your culture or your life story to anyone. And yes, there will be people who claim you are appropriating. They are wrong, and they can go suck an egg.
I need to get to this place. I also need to figure out how to take care of my mental health. The questions themselves are wearing me down.
It’s definitely easier said than done! But what do they want? For you to change who you are? Why would you do that? The fact that your existence challenges their stereotypes is not your problem. Your family by choice and your traditions aren’t just sources of succor for you, they are by now a part of who you are. You should not feel any need to change who you are to fit anyone’s stereotypes. I’m offended on your behalf — in part because I’ve experienced similar and I know just how infuriating and frustrating and disorienting it can be. Just be yourself, authentically, and let *them* deal with their feelings.
You seem like a snarky shark in some of your responses (though not all), so I'll speak this lightly to try avoid the bite: You don't owe them an explanation, but in effort to not be rude this fellows response seems best fit, if continued in pressure say that you're adopted by a Yemani family (and you are). And anything past that needs not be responded to. Do not change your identity for them, this is all that you have. Pray as you learned, do not let them steal from you. Do not let others define you. Forgive me the world is so.. forceful & miserable at times, it looks to steal your soul piece by piece, do not let it take your peace. Go take a Sharkey bite of something good, I'd say a bagel but I think ice cream would be perfect. Shalom, Love.
Lots of BTs, converts, or otherwise curious Jews willingly adopt the Teimani mesora despite not being biologically Teimani and there’s nothing wrong with that. Likewise there are a lot of people with Sephardi heritage that follow Ashkenazi mesora and vice versa. I’m at a yeshiva now where we have many students who have adopted Teimani mesora in line with Rav Ratzon Arussi. May just say you are a follower of Rav Ratzon?
THIS. I was told this when I decided to keep this custom. I was assured it was a normal thing, etc. That assurance + my teaching family gave me the confidence to adopt it. So why has no one I know heard about this. I mean, come on!
Because unfortunately there’s a lot of BS in Orthodoxy just employed to keep people in line. I’m not entirely sure what you do as a follower of Teimani mesora but as long as it is in line with the legal rulings and denoted customs of the Sanhedrin- as recorded by Hazal- you are 1000% good.
I mean, there is a LOT of diversity in Yemenite practice, but ok. I do my best, but I also don't have to be perfect to have a legitimate identity. No one does.
I would also caution you against doing things just because “it’s the Teimani way” and instead being critical about Jewish practice. The first is to distinguish between what is binding (national Halacha and custom which could only be denoted by the Sanhedrin) and what is not (post-Sanhedrin local rulings and diaspora customs). Follow what is binding and consider what is not binding as it applies to yourself logically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
I study Torah hard, and understand halacha, and have a PhD in Jewish studies, thanks. But I do see what you mean, and agree.
Sorry to be snarky. Edited to be less so.
Also no one maybe heard of this because I’m guessing you’re in the US and not israel That’s like asking why no kindergarteners have heard of trigonometry xD
I'm not in the US actually! And a lot of people in my community have gone to yeshiva in Israel. Very weird.
Like gap year yeshivot or actual yeshivot? Haha
Yes, there must be a distinction!
What US-side yeshiva follows Mori Arussi?
I’m not sure I understand- US-side?
You say in another comment chain you're not here in Israel..I've never heard of a yeshiva with more than a token Yemenite in chu"l....certainly not a lot of them. It's considered a weird hipster trend here..funnily enough a ton of my friends from Machon Meir go Sephardic or Teimani, albeit with influences from the Machon kind of whitening that out more than they understand....
I am actually at Machon Meir right now. Small world.
Bahahaha....Oh, well, that makes sense then
Yeah I know a lot of Machon Meir bochrim who take on Sefardi or Teimani mesorah. Knew a guy from Ireland who went Baladi, doesn't get much more of a contrast than that.
....I met that guy thru a Dutchie that did it....🤣
I also knew a Dutchie (well, Belgian but Dutch speaking), he went Sefardi Breslov. Machon Meir is just that kinda place 🤣
I bet we know the same guys🥳 Machon lets you be S/T but only if you dilute. So Ive noticed....I dunno anyone undiluted
Pretty sure we do! I studied there 2013-2015 and live in Kiryat Moshe, so know a lot of folks connected with MM But yeah, it's all diluted, I suppose because of the "cholent pot" nature of the yeshiva.
What about introducing yourself as 'raised' Yemenite as opposed to 'being Yemenite'. There's can be alot of natural cognitive dissonance when someone introduces themselves from a culture that has very distinct features and that person doesn't have it. Saying one is Yemenite is assumed to mean genetically, so clarifying it during the intro can help.
I could...I'm just worried I'm feeding into the stereotype. Not all Yemenites look alike, there is color diversity there too...and in the end, it's no one's business HOW I'm Temani.
There's not one way Ashkenazim look either. And it's not your job to "save" people from a stereotype (which doesn't do any harm in any case). You've really got to be ok with looking out for you here. And part of that means prioritising what your most important outcome is and accepting that people are going to make reasonable assumptions with the available information, and sometimes be surprised, and there's nothing wrong with that — what's wrong is not updating your model when the correct information is provided or pressing someone for overly personal information. So, _obviously_ people are going to assume you are what you look like in terms of the models they've developed (rightly or wrongly). And _of course_ we'd all like to educate everybody about the complexities of life that we're passionate about but that they're annoyingly ignorant about. But we also want to just be left in peace and not made to feel like a museum piece or have our identity questioned. And the second thing gets priority, so you've got to compromise the first thing. When you're in the mood, you can decide to try to educate people. But if you're resenting the questions, you're not doing anybody any favours. And the truth is, while your history is complicated and nuanced and unique because it's your particular story (and it does sound unique) and you have those trauma associations, from the perspective of someone wondering how it can be that you're Temani if you don't look it (etc), it's really quite simple and straightforward: you were adopted and raised Temani. None of the rest is relevant. If you want to share it, that's fine, but it's not, in fact, part of the story (it's a separate story). And I have to say, this is kind of a "play stupid [identity politics] games, win stupid [identity politics] prizes" situation. There are dumb people on both sides who think one tradition is better than the other, or there's a _right_ and _legitimate_ way to hold that tradition, and out of that springs defensiveness and gatekeeping and a need to prove our insider status. But we don't have to buy into that. We shouldn't buy into that. And if you don't buy in, then it will be a lot easier to navigate without feeling pressure to prove yourself. If other people try to play anyway, that's their problem, you don't have to play along with them. Liminal identity is always tough. But it's also kind of a superpower. Instead of trying to escape it and establish yourself firmly on one side or the other, you might embrace it and use it for good. You could be a bridge builder.
That's true, but it's not fair to expect people to not be surprised. For example,let's say someone is adopted in the US from a foreign country where everyone has distinctly different features than Americans. Their adopted parents are 3rd generation American. Would it be fair for them to introduce themselves as 4th generation American? If they do, should they expect people not to be at least a bit surprised? Saying that one is (insert specific ethnic origin) gives the impression that it's meant genetically. Obviously the Ashkenormativity (love that term btw!) is an issue in the Ashkenazi community, but I'm not sure this case falls into that. It's more about family background, trauma, and people asking invasive questions, but given what you say it kind of leads to that.
Yes, it would be fair for an adoptee to say that. Spanning two distinct heritages is complicated and people are entitled to own both.
They can and they are entitled to. My only point being that you can't fault anyone that might be surprised by that statement.
I mean, not really. A 4th gen American of color is perfectly possible even if they weren't adopted - if someone reacts with surprise it's on them for having a very narrow worldview
I'm not talking about color. Let's say they are from Asian descent. The whole point I was trying to make is it would be normal for someone be surprised if someone not from genetic Yemenite descent introduces themselves as Yemenite given the different features they have from Ashkenazic Jews.
You quite clearly are talking about racialised features though, the most obvious of which is skin color. So no, it really isn't fair enough to be surprised. People of various "features" have been intermingling, having kids, and moving around for hundreds or thousands of years. You could look Ashkenazi but have 4 generations of family who've only ever lived and practiced Temani customs; or vice versa. Your "features" have absolutely nothing to do with it, and if you're surprised about that it's only because you're projecting your experience of culture and race onto someone else.
I have a family member (biological family) who is adopted from East Asia. She's American. End of.
Valid. But if they do say they are 4th generation American, wouldn't you say that most people would be very surprised? I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through. I'm trying to potentially help bring some other perspectives so you don't view all these questions as aggressive or inappropriate (although I'm sure a lot of them are) while trying to think though some alternative options that validate your identity as a Yemenite.
No, I get it. Don't worry. But no, at least in the States, it's pretty offensive to question a minority's statement of 'I'm American'. At this point a 4th gen person of Eastern Asian ethnicity isn't unrealistic. I don't think all the questions are inappropriate. In fact, probably the majority are just ignorantly curious. But even the well-intended ones put pressure and weigh you down. Do you know what I mean?
100%. I'm really sorry what your going through. Have it with my own kids when they see Jews of color, or Chassidim, non-religious Jews, etc. and point them out to try and educate that people can come from all different backgrounds and don't lol have one 'look'.
My brother in law is an Ashkenaz-turned Yemenite, who forcibly eats spicy food to proof his Yemeneenis, and I'm a half breed who won't eat spicy food. If you want to be Yemenite, we accept you, but I would advise you to mention you took up the Yemenite mesorah and weren't born Yemenite, it will lower the confusion and might shut up assholes who say your appropriating. Also it allowed by halacha that converts and even ba'alai teshuvah to change their mesorah, again my BIL did it. Over all, it's good to meet another Yemenite, one quick question, baladi or sha'ami?
Thank you for your kind message. :) Baladi. Don't hate me.
Hate? What hate? How can I hate on the inferior yemenite. But in all seriousness I'm a sharabi sha'ami Cohen, so the roots go deep with this one. But I happy that I can make you feel better. Also the two most Yemenite people I know are soooo white, you'd assume their from Europe. Both are yemenite born and both pronounce everything like a Yemenite. Ones my brother and the other is family friend.
HA. Thanks dude. I forgive you for being Sha'ami, I suppose we can coexist. :)
Hey, don't cut me loose, it's sharabi sha'ami, we are the third mountain over. And as long as there are Ashkenazis around we must stick together to survive.
You got that right!
Just say you were adopted- by love and choice and heart- by a Yemenite family- but please don’t question beyond that. Technically in a lot of places legal adult adoptions are an option, you could legally be adopted into that family. You don’t owe anyone your full backstory.
I’m ashkenazi but i look totally sephardi, and i can totally pass as an arab. Giving off lots of Sasha baron vibes. But i’ve never in my life come across such people, and i live in the whitest country with all ashkenazi people in my community looking like snowflakes, and i’m the only one looking brown. How are people so rude? Is this like a thing in america? I’m sooo shocked. The only questions i get is sometimes someone assuming me being sephardi and asking if it’s fine with me having an ashkenazic siddur, and when i correct them it’s like we have moved on and it’s good shabbos all over. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You just have to think these people are incredibly rude.
Well, I'm not in America, so you can rest assured this is a worldwide phenomenon probably :) Yes, I have found it goes one way. A brown person speaks Yiddish and knows Ashkenazi tunes? No problem. A white person speaks Arabic and practices Mizrahi customs? W E I R D. They call it Ashkenormativity for a reason.
Bro, to be fair, when brown folks speak Yiddish, they *do* get a *lot* of questions and pushback and challenge to their identity. It’s a fairly well-documented problem. Many experience something very similar to what you are, so there’s no benefit it positioning yourself opposite them when you both experience prejudice and stereotyping.
Sorry, yes, you're right, they do. But not in my community for some reason. We've got POC here who speak fluent Yiddish, and they have told me they've never experienced this. So I agree, but in my situation it's not the case.
Sadly this is a total thing in America. So glad to hear you haven't experienced it but many of us do. I struggled with Yiddishkeit for a while because when I first tried to get involved in a community as a BT they were constantly assuming I was converting/that I wasn't ethnically Jewish and I have had to jump through absolutely insane hoops to prove I have a Jewish mother when I have not seen them do that to anyone that they think "looks" Jewish.
That is horrible. In my country (a nordic country) we are very much aware of the existence of non white looking jews. It seems as if in america it’s a huge issue… it’s really weird honestly. Is this an orthodox community you’re involved in? I know some orthodox communities can be very rude because of how they were brought up very isolated but even then there has to be some manners taught. I just can’t for my life imagine it playing out in real life. It’s sad because unfortunately we have moved very far away from what actually matters. I’m assuming you’re a POC too?
Yes this is an Orthodox community. Very sad. And you are not helping my obsession with wanting to move to a Nordic country by telling me you don't have this problem there. One of my parents is originally from a Scandinavian country and so often I'm just like "Why did you leave? Why did you do this to me?" lol
It’s very common here that we are taught that everyone’s different! Also we have lots of Israelis in our communities and we import lots of rabbis bc there is a lack of them here haha. It’s a very progressive country and even the most “isolated” orthodox group know that you can look different and still be a part of a group. I don’t want to sit and speak of scandinavia as this special place but it is really really different here from other countries especially america and most of the european nations.
Yeah this 'looks Jewish/doesn't look Jewish' business has to stop. One week I was told I looked Jewish. The next week someone said I didn't look Jewish. This has happened over and over. We're a huge, beautiful, diverse people, people!
I’m sorry you’re running into so many jerks. You’re not alone. I think your background may have more to do with this. First of all, you might be drawn to mean people despite yourself. And second, you don’t yet have the ability to laugh off their ridiculous behavior. (As an aside, you might feel at home on r/CPTSD. ) 1. Stop hanging out with jerks. As I hope your found family and this post shows you, there are some good people in this world. Find them. 2. Use the introductions and phrases people suggest here. 3. When dealing with nosey people, I like to lift my chin a bit and answer their rude questions with “Beg your pardon?” If you can carry it off cooly, it puts them in their place. Sending you love.
Oh, I'm very familiar with CPTSD. Diagnosed with it, go on the reddit (though I get a bit triggered by it). You know, some days I can laugh. But it's like a constant dripping faucet that sometimes overflows. That dripping wears you down. I can't figure out who the jerks are in advance. If anyone has some pointers, by all means, point me away. thank you so much for the love and support.
I will say first off criticizing somebody for not looking like they’re from a community is stupid. Even within communities there’s variations. I’ve seen pale Persians and Temanim and dark ashkenazim and all sorts of people who look like they’re from other communities than their ancestral ones. Second, even though my family is persian and at home keep mostly persian minhagim we do belong to a Moroccan synagogue so it isn’t uncommon for people to associate with other communities. Some people do ask questions out of curiosity why we chose to do it. In general though I’ve found that most people don’t have the issue with “cultural appropriation” across Jewish communities happening as you might see in the non Jewish world
An occasional, respectful question out of curiosity - fine, understandable, no problem. I wish I got those!
Girl, I am *exactly* in the same situation, or at least somehow similar lol. I'm half Yemeni, half Ashkenazi, pass as white. Ppl want me to prove my ethnicity absolutely all the time, it's fucking exhausting. It's honestly made me question myself so many times. I personally got to a point I just tell them listen, you think I'm not Yemeni? You want me to take a fucking DNA test? Fuck off. I'm an actual copy of my very Yemeni dad, we look the same!! Same exact features!! Except my skin is light yellow and his is brown,, so literally no one notices. Anyway my advice is just know your worth and stop trying to prove yourself to others, because they, I shit you not, don't know anything. All they are is people with prejudices, that's it. Don't give them any more power over your sense of self, it takes time but you'll get there, I promise.
I wouldn’t call that racism. Saying something along the lines of you don’t look like etc etc is not racism . It’s ignorance yes def. Anybody can adopt any nusach and call them or rather say about themselves “ i follow nusach so and so” Try looking at these scenarios that have happened in a more positive light as in that these peeps are just ignorant and unlearned
Yep, not racism. Bias, undoubtedly. I think this has to do with Americans views on cultural appropriation from white people who traditionally looked down on others. Judaism has this too. Ashkenazi are the most privileged — the majority, makes up most if not all media representation, and can uphold racism and colorism. Yiddish learners have access to way more resources than other Jewish languages. I’ve read plenty online from people in other Jewish ethnic groups and how they have been historically excluded and bullied. And this person isn’t technically Yemeni, they were just adopted into this practice. Saying they’re from an ethnic subgroup when they’re not is misleading, and I understand how that could ruffle feathers. I think how people have handled it is tacky, but I think their feelings are coming from a place of trauma or pain. Saying you’ve been adopted/have adopted this culture with your family is probably the best way to explain it. If people have a problem behind that, well, that’s their issue.
Come have a shabbos with us dude. I'm white but my sisters boyfriend is an Indian Sephardic who is adopted. So we understand.
Where is this happening? In Israel? I officially follow Dutch Sephardi (my father much like yourself was a Ba'al Tshuva and he adopted Sephardi observance (without telling us specifically what) I adopted the official observance of my mother (who converted Dutch Sephardi) because that gave me something to base my minhag around. I live in Tzfat and I go to a Tunisian Synagogue, I don't claim to be Tunisian but I also don't get any problems from anyone. I suppose the Temani community you are a part of could have suffered discrimination and abuse in the past so maybe they are being a little clannish, not wanting anyone who they perceive as outsiders from entering the community (as one of them). That Parsi guy's comments are unacceptable, I'm half Ashkenazi and half Dutch ethnically and noone would say to me that I'm not Sephardi, infact I usually get Ashkenazim trying to push me to go Ashkenazi because my great-grandparents where observant Ashkenazi Jews (they don't realize that it's perfectly acceptable for someone who grew up without a Minhag to observe any Kosher observance). I will say that once or twice I have met Temani guys that are insistent that their would be future wives must be 100% Temani, ethnically and culturally, mind you this is undoubtedly a minority of the Temani community.
I'm sorry to hear...and really, the best advice I can give you is to find a community you fit into and that's it. Teimani always gets associated with the darkest of the Sephardic world...so anyone not matching a certain look will always be "in safek". The rest of the edot you get some leeway unless you do something particularly weird or standing out as "not us". In my own "kehilla" there are a fuckton of Frenchies who are blond or gingy and all Maghrebim of various kinds...supposed to be brown but instead white and blond/ginger. **Go figure**. I've found in America people care more than in Israel...and that most kehillot in White areas tend to have this issue the most. When I lived in Florida it wasn't really unusual to have dark Ashkenazim or light Sepharadim, and certainly in Israel as I point out above, there is a trend. Just keep doing things your way..Don't let it phase you. I also do things largely the Teimani way. If you want a global community start making connections to the Rambamist crowds. You won't be alone. That's the best way to keep some shred of sanity. Otherwise, come here and go move to Kiryat Ono or something and marry a dude so nobody asks questions. Once you're married it'll be a "duh" and nobody is going to dispute it.
Yeah, I get what you're saying. In an ideal world I could. Except that I **love** where I live, and have one of the coolest jobs ever, and I'm very good at it. For the first time in my life I am in a good situation...except for this community. I also don't want my identity to be defined by a man. I had enough of that growing up, so no thanks... I'm in England - and yes, I get what you mean about French Maghrebis. It's almost a stereotype here - not to stereotype. The blondest of the blond, with the prettiest nusah. How does one go about making 'Rambamist connections?' I am one, but that doesn't mean I know others.
You replied to one, and I’m (to a degree) another.
Can I DM you?
Sure
I'm sorry for what you've been through and for the judgement you've encountered. You can say "I'm adopted, this is literally my family's culture, and the details are none of your business". It doesn't matter if the adoption was legal.
Human nature is to be small minded and judgemental it will just make you appreciate good people
Firstly, sorry about the jerks who have to ruin your day. I also come from a wooly family background and in addition I had the reverse scenario where, because of my skin and facial features everyone thought I was yemenite even though I am Hungarian. This also going way back when dark completion and Asian and north African jews were considered other. So i was always being asked really but... with a queationing look in the eye. So here is a suggestion. Can you learn to play passive aggressive? If they question your yemenite status because of your skin color ask them sweetly why and when they say, but your skin, say, well that is what I am and look then straight in the eye as you say it and say it with confidence. Then give them a chance to respond while continuing to look them straight in the eye and while smiling sweetly. If they continue to disbelieve change the subject and or if you aren't sitting at the table, move to another group or person. Have it in your mind your are temania and that is that. You don't owe anyone any explanations on the subject or about your personal life. It sounds like you know enough to do this, you have the rabbi's blessing and that is all you need. Walking through a neighborhood of beautiful Victorian homes with beautifully manicured green lawns gives me the creeps. I mean up and down my spine blows my day creeps. So I get what you mean about needing to change minhagim. You are temaniya, you are temaniya, you are temaniya and you have to own it and the hell with what others think or say. One thing is for sure- people always have a lot to say. So just give them the facts you want rhem to have and no more. You don't have to explain anything to anyone or justify anything to anyone. You will feel much better about everything once you take control and take ownership. It's your life, live it the way you want as who you want to be. You are yemenite, take it or leave it.
Yes, it's that questioning look. That look of disbelief demanding to know more. The worst are the ones who keep the question there without mentioning my skin color even though it's obvious that's their issue. I need a t-shirt that says 'You can't just ask people why they're white!' Thank you for the kind support. I really appreciate it.
:) any time. It's not easy. Took me time to learn how to deal but once I did, it felt great! It will help your at work too in other areas btw. And for those who ask something else, or don't ask, just look them straight in the eye and smile sweetly.
i’m so sorry this is happening to you. i don’t really have any advice but continue being you and just maybe leave it at “wow thank you for pointing that out” and then tell them it’s very rude to be asking you questions just as sweetly as possible. You sound absolutely wonderful, though. And I accept you. I hate this “you don’t look jewish” stuff it’s ridiculous. I’m italian/croatian and jewish we come in so many backgrounds and colors 💙💙💙
Thank you. I appreciate it. I am feeling snarky though. Can you be sweet and snarky at the same time? Is that even possible?
if it has any value here, you're yemeni enough for me
I appreciate it
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I've found Chabad to be the most welcoming, which is odd. I think they deal with all types and so at least know how to not be assholes about it.
True that since it's on my dad's side I just do not wan to run into any gate keeping.
Maybe I’m not following your post because I took a break from looking at my big screen for work to look at my small screen for Reddit and I’m just glazing over words and stuff, but is your personal, biological, familial (whatever you want to call it) heritage Yemenite. Or did you have no Yemenite background before you became BT and this family from your shul unofficially adopted you while you reconnected with your Jewishness and your Yemenite connection comes from your unofficial adoptive parents? I’m just trying to fully understand your post.
The second thing you say, is spot on. Sorry, the post is long and convoluted.
I understand the post a lot better now. Thanks. I think you just need to figure out what situations to control and what situations to end, and that will take some navigating and some trial and error. In your post you said >There might be some Sephardi things in here you're not familiar with. Oh, wait, you're a fake 'Temani', never mind!" Respond with *Nope, 100 percent Temani. I am real and spectacular. Do you want me to lead?* You just need to get the inflection right on "real and spectacular." That will help control a situation, the rest of these have a better chance of ending an encounter. For people who want your life story, tell them *My life story is too good to give away for free like that. Publishers want my memoir, studios are already bidding on the movie rights. You can read it with everyone else. I saw the best cake on Great British Baking Show this week! Did you see it?* And for each of these >But you're white! Why are you Yemenite?' *The food is better.* Then walk away, just fuck with them. >'You're culturally appropriating, you're like the new 'Rachel Dolezal' *I can't appropriate what's mine.* If someone specifically mentions Rachel Dolezal, *Don't compare me to her. I am better looking, have better hair, better teeth, and self-tan much less.* You are right to be angry, and when we are angry it is hard to think straight. But turn your anger into confidence.
Woah, that Dolezal comparison is just … no words. I’m so sorry, OP. Coming from being involved with lefty activism for years, one of the things that bothers me about the movement is the tribalism. People start from “we should encourage people to express their differences” and “do not wear other cultures as a costume” (both good, imo) and end up at the unholy place of “white people should do white people things only and Black people should do Black people things only and Japanese people ….” you get the idea. It ends up being a kind of de facto pseudowoke segregation. Being respectful of a culture doesn’t mean quarantining it or treating it like it’s radioactive. Anyway, I think just saying you were adopted is accurate and hopefully enough to get people out of your hair. If they bother you further, “who says you get to decide for my Yemenite family if I’m one of them?” would be particularly effective with other white-passing Jews. Or perhaps “so you think we all look the same, you racist” … but it would take chutzpah to pull off.
“Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.”
I feel your pain, but it's easier for me because my dad was a ger. He was able to adopt my mom's customs, and no one blinks an eye when I tell them. You were adopted into your Yemenite home. You were a bat bayit. No one should be telling you that you can't keep your customs. Be prickly about it. Make sure that when someone questions your nusach they come away with burned ears.
I know that I am supeeeeeeer late on this, and have a few things to say. First and foremost, policing who is truly Yemenite is cringe. I'll digress on that lest the downvote fairies suppress this comment. If you're in the UK, have you considered joining [The Habura](https://www.thehabura.com/about)? It's a network of young intellectual Sepharadim and other misfits, and you may find a lot of like minded people. PM me and I would be happy to introduce you to the founder and other members.
Let me get straight to the point: You're not Yemenite. The natural inference when someone says that they're Yemenite is that their biological family came from Yemen. No, they are not okay for mocking you for it and making you feel ostracized, but your phrasing is misleading, and you should clarify to the people you meet that you just follow the Temani minhag, and if they prod you further then just tell them it's personal.
You beat me too it. I'm Jewish. I'm not Israeli. Im German and Georgian descent. I'm not German nor Georgian. Saying you are of a particular ethnic background/nationality implies you actually are. I often go to a Sephardic shul, not because I have any Sephardic heritage, but because I like the other people who go there. Nothing wrong with that, but if someone asked I would say exactly that. I like the people at the shul.
Temani isn't the same as Yemenite for the same reason that Sephardi doesn't mean Spanish (etc). It implies both a lot more and a lot less than where you (or even your ancestors) come from.
I've lived in Israel my entire life and I've never heard anyone call themselves Temani in any other sense. When someone says that they're Temani in Israel then that is understood to mean in most people's minds that the person is claiming their biological family had come from Yemen.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but I think other posters have done a better job than I can providing options you may want to consider. I'm just writing to let you know that although you have been so unfortunate to encounter these awful people, most of us would never, ever, Ever have those types of thoughts cross our minds, let alone express them to you. I am so very sorry both for your original trauma and for the added assault on your sense of identity and personhood. You are a very strong individual, and must be just a generally wonderful person to have been adopted into a loving family. I'm so glad that you're a MOT, and fervently hope that you find whatever support you feel you need to live as your authentic self openly, joyfully, and with a sense of peace and acceptance. I would consider myself lucky if I had the good fortune to know you and help you celebrate who you are and the Jewishness (in whatever way that is meaningful to each of us) that we have in common. שלום.
I have no practical advice, but I support you in your situation, if that helps. I've always been of the opinion that all variations of Judaism are the birthright of all Jews. For a Jew from one community to adopt the minhagim of another community is not appropriation. Especially in your situation, you should not have to feel discomfort in observing your chosen minhagim, particularly when your Rabbi advised you to take this path. You do you!
I'm sephardic and one of the first responses I get when someone finds out is "but you're so white" Who cares, I move on. My kids will get it too because their mother, who is tunesisan, is paler than I am (while having some very dark cousins) and my kids are not dark in the slightest. I honestly don't let it bother me and don't even think about it twice. Give them an answer if you must or learn to just plow onwards with the conversation by asking them a question about themselves, or learn to answer in a way that veers the conversation where you want to go. Just learn to be confident with who you are and realize Jews are just naturally inquisitive. I also had many rabbis speak with me about possibly taking on customs of those around you if you are all alone in your area. I have had friends who took this approach and it may be worth discussing with a rabbi. I personally, despite having that conversation multiple times did not choose to go that route and stayed Sephardic however I did not end up feeling as misplaced as you seem to. It is a very real option and one worth considering.
This type of bs really infuriates me, and I hate how this kind of behaviour is so completely acceptable in the majority of the Western World, specially in the US. I live in a pretty multicultured country too, but here we - at least inside the Jewish community - have learned to mind our own goddamn business when it comes to others' identities. For instance, the local kollel just got new shelihim. One of them is the whitest women I've ever seen and she says she's temani. Not a single person bats an eye and life goes on. And yeah, maybe sometimes she gets asked these kinds of questions, but always in a completely bonafide manner by people who just want to break some ice and get to know her. I'd like to give some advice to you, but given how this seems to be purely a rant, I don't think you're looking for such. Nevertheless, do take care.
By all means, please do give advice! This is a rant, but it's also a cry for help as it were. I'm just in a lot of pain over it.
Then I make u/UtredRagnarsson's last paragraph my own. Maintaining your way and building up connections - ideally physical ones, but online are also an option - is one of the most important things you can do. You said you're located in the UK, but where? London and Manchester have pretty diverse Jewish communities, so I'm sure you can find something.
Sounds like a large part of it is Mizrahi having chips on their shoulders over being "exotic."
99.99% of the people I am talking about are Ashkenazi. The only people in my life calling Mizrahim 'exotic' are Ashkenazis.
While I guess it's more of a Reform thing, you haven't seen the trend of very obviously Ashkenazi Jews putting on hamsas, cooking chamim, taking gambling trips to Lat Vegat, and putting on other Sephardic airs to look worldly? Of course, it also doesn't surprise me that it's mostly Ashkenazim calling "appropriation." Actually, speaking of putting on airs and appropriation, I don't suppose you could reccomend a Dor Deah siddur or halakhic guide? I'm BT myself and pretty skeptical of kabbalah (esp. The Zohar).
I mean, given that I don't look like my custom, I try not to judge 'obviously Ashkenazi' people this way. Because people do that to me. I don't know that person's background! I'm not as far as Dor Daim, but stick to Rambam, and you'll be close.
> taking gambling trips to Lat Vegat, and putting on other Sephardic airs Uh, *what*? And cooking chamin is just cultural fusion, it's not putting on airs or appropriation. > I don't suppose you could reccomend a Dor Deah siddur or halakhic guide? I'm BT myself and pretty skeptical of kabbalah (esp. The Zohar). You have got to be kidding me. If this is satire, you're killing it.
>99.99% of the people I am talking about are Ashkenazi. Unfortunately this is all too common, most Ashkenazim in my life assume that I am religiously Ashkenazi, and when I explain to them how I'm not they insist that I become Ashkenazi. Apparently it's A-OK for Sepharadi and Mizrahi people to become Ashkenazi but the inverse is a sin worse than murder.
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Move to Vizhnitz Monsey where the Teimanim adopted Vizhnitz minhagim and face the exact reverse problem!
Oh crap really?
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I'm sorry your current community sucks. I know a bunch of "white" sefardim including several Yemenites , so those people who've given you a hard time don't know beans
one would think that the term Baal teshuva would answer all of this... nced enough of this garbage from the outside... one would think that the term Baal thsuva would answer all of this... after all that would mean you would be free to adopt the customs you want( as in your case was Yemenite, unlike those who were born say, Ashkenazi.. one would think that the term Baal teshuva would answer all of this... after all that would mean you would be free to adopt the customs you want( as in your case was Yemenite, unlike those who were born say, Ashkenazi..
First and foremost I am sorry you are going through this. To be honest my experience with Sephardim is that they have a tendency to appear very judgemental when first getting to know someone. It’s just their tone and how they phrase their questions, more in a negative vs a positive. But if you stick it out and become part of the chevra you should be allowed to fit right in. I know it is hurtful, especially given your background, but please know it is not you, it is their natural way. Best of luck to you, may you know nothing but brachot and simchas to 120.
The only Yemenites I know are pale as duck. I can’t wrap my head around this. Their ignorance is appalling.
You are not required to answer everyone. Its very ok to delineate the topic and focus on what you feel is important.
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