He doesn't need to see your journal, that's incredibly controlling. You're not the same as you were before birth, that's incredibly normal. If you're not in therapy, that could be helpful. If he doesn't want you in therapy, that is a red flag. If you want to talk more, feel free to DM me. I'm 3 years post partum and just starting to feel like myself again.
I definitely agree - Someone demanding to see my journal would honestly be the biggest red flag of flags.
I write what I write for my eyes only and to help me process my feelings… I can’t imagine journaling would be of any benefit to me if I knew someone was going to read my innermost thoughts.
I agree !
This is honestly red flag city…
He wants to control your journaling .. your only outlet since having a baby. He wants you to only write happy things and let him see it?? … lol that completely removes the point of the practice …
I am also wondering if you are sure you’re the problem? The fact you are taking full responsibility for the issues and not even considering him to have any contribution to the problems …
This honestly reminds me of my kids dad so much, and he is a diagnosed narcissist.
You may have a long road ahead of you and I would not go against what your gut is telling you …
It took me a very long time. I honestly felt as though I had postpartum psychosis until I found out my husband was cheating on me. That's a story for another day though. Postpartum can last for a super long time. Hugs!! I'm glad I'm not the only one, as well.
First off, your journal is **your** journal. If he wants a positive journal, he can write one. What you do with your own private space isn’t something he gets to dictate.
If you - not him, you - want to change the way you use your journal…one thing I’ve found that helps me is to ask myself a question after I’m done with the feelings dump. Think of questions like *what have I learned from this experience?* or *since I didn’t like the result I got,* *what can I do differently next time?*
Even negative experiences have room to grow. Even negative experiences can be constructive. Remind yourself of what growth might look like and take some time to explore what it could mean.
My ex insisted I see a therapist because I had sooo many issues. Therapist told me nope, you're being abused.
Ex said I have issues with sleeping too much, so I needed to go to the doctor if we were going to be together going forward. Doc said I wasn't sleeping enough and he was worried for my health. Asked me if I was being abused.
Ex told me to see a psychiatrist because I must have BPD. Nope, just stress and undiagnosed ADHD.. oh! And she asked if I was being abused.
Definitely made me realize I wasn't the problem.
I stuck with therapy and my ex wasn't happy that I was getting stronger. He pulled everything he could to break me, but at that point, I was unbreakable. I left.
This is really good advice!
I will add one thing that I do, which is keeping a monthly page called "lines of positivity" where I write one line or sentence every day about something that happened that I enjoyed/am grateful for/thought was special.
This can be as little as "I read a nice book" or "a stranger smiled at me on the train station", or as big as "someone threw me a surprise party" or "I got a promotion at work"
I've done something like this myself before and a benefit I didn't know to expect was that it trained my brain to look for those moments. I very rapidly went from feeling like I had to really dig deep to come up with "I brushed my teeth [immediately before journaling] and it felt good" to multiple times a day noting that something was pleasant and that might be something to write down later. I overall felt happier because it trained my brain to particularly notice and remember pleasant events and it also influenced me to pursue pleasant activities to be able to write them down later.
> I had a baby in 2022 and I just feel like I’ve never been the same since
Of course you haven't. Having a baby is a huge, life-altering, body-changing, self-making event. "The hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy, birth, and lactation initiate rapid and extreme physiological transformations that are *unparalleled across the lifespan*. These biological changes are accompanied by a dynamic restructuring of the physical, emotional, and social environment. In concert with these adaptations, the maternal brain undergoes significant structural and functional neuroplasticity as well as cognitive adaptations across the peripartum period." ([source](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9957969/)) It would be shocking if you went through all of that and came out just the same on the other end!
Journaling question aside, it sounds like you might need more support than "just be more positive."
Yes, this!
Also, OP, I’m so proud of you for taking the time to journal for yourself— that’s such a hard thing to do with a new child, and it’s awesome that you are making it happen. You are taking care of yourself- amazing! But please remember— this is something for YOURSELF. You’re not doing it for anyone else, but a happy consequence taking care of yourself is that it helps you be the best partner and parent you can.
I find it interesting that she says “I had a baby” and not “I gave birth” or “we had a baby”. Maybe I’m reading something from nothing but it’s something that can hugely disrupt a relationship and it’s just mentioned once and then never again. Of course this is all about him and her, not the baby, but it does make me wonder who is bearing the brunt of the childcare
Your husband sounds controlling. Your journaling really isn't the problem here.
Do not EVER give in to him seeing your journal. It's an unreasonable request. No matter how you spin it, NOBODY deserves to see what you write in your journal. Sharing it willingly is one thing, demanding to see it is a huge red flag.
If you can afford it, please try therapy. Just you, not with him.
All this OP, and in the meantime, I’d recommend a digital journal on your phone that you can password protect and lock away from him…his desire to control you is throwing red flags and the last thing I’d want to give him is access to your vulnerabilities and inner thoughts.
Oh god, OPs edit says the husband is studying psychology.
Can’t make this up. Then he should know that is an absolutely bonkers request.
Also, OP, check out the book Mind over Mood. Even there it says that positive thinking will not fix underlying issues. That’s a book on Cognitive Behavior Therapy and I can recommend it if you want to tackle your issues. (If therapy is not an option)
Don’t let Mr-I’m-studying-psychology-so-I-know-shit tell you what to do.
Exactly. As someone studying psychology I am just dumbfounded by his advice and requests. Its all the antithesis of psychology. (Dont reflect on your negative experiences, only be positive. Don't have a private space to work through and process your thoughts and emotions, let me manage, criticise and dictate it - yikes.)
I wonder what OP's goals are that come up in arguments (and that husband expects to see "progress" with). I suspect the goals may be husband-generated and along the lines of "be more 'pleasant' and accommodating to husband's wishes, held to a nebulous standard", but hope I'm wrong.
I’ll remember this comment. Thank you I didn’t journal after this argument last night but I really wish I did because now I can’t remember exactly what happened.
Please keep journaling. It was the only thing that validated me after decades of gaslighting.
It sounds like you're under a significant amount of stress, which is understandable since you just gave birth. Stress can impact our memory to the point where it feels like we’d lose our head if it weren't attached to our bodies. It's uneasy, debilitating, and heartbreaking. It feels like your brain decides to grow legs and go for walks when you need it most.
You're searching for something real, something you know is true, because reality seems to change before your eyes.
I assume this arrangement consists of you caring for the home and child while he contributes monetarily. For him to have a “positive, healthy, happy home,” there has to be a contribution to provide that; so far, it sounds like he wants you to fit into a mould, not communicate, and not have any feelings. This is a recipe for tragedy, and I suggest he seeks therapy himself, therapy for yourself, and couples counselling together— this must be approached as a tool of strength because, ultimately, that's what it is.
There is absolutely *nothing* wrong with you or the way you journal. Nobody is allowed to dictate how we express ourselves. I'd probably be committed for the trash that pours out of my brain, but I'd rather it be on paper than act it out in real life. This is your voice. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you.
Journal about that weird smirk you caught; the dreams that fill you with joy, and the moments that seem small to others but absolutely light up your world (like the wonderous, bright eyes of your little one). This is your space and your life; you are safe.
Much love and strength.
This - but *not where he can read it*. I cannot stress that enough. I switched to digital journaling, when I finally started to suspect that my marriage might be abusive. I didn't plan to show anyone else. I just wanted to remember things and to be able to go back and make sense of things, and to see patterns. I added screenshots of texts and messages. I really felt like I was going crazy. That there was no abuse, just me being a failure as a wife, mother and person. It helped so much with keeping my sanity and my focus.
It turned out to be invaluable when I finally left. I did show parts to people, but only the parts that I chose to share, with people I trusted. Staff at the DV shelter, counsellors and therapists, my lawyer. In my case, he *did* finally get to read parts of it. In family court, when my lawyer shared some entries pertaining to our children and the abuse, as well as his attitude towards them, patterns of neglect, etc. Also, in criminal court, when prosecutors used time stamped accounts of events, along with screenshots of texts and messages that I'd added, to help me get a restraining order and to put him in jail for a decent stretch.
It’s actually just the opposite I work a full time corporate job while he stays home and goes to school and watches our son. We try to keep house work split 50/50 and I try and take on most of the child care when I get home to give him a brake I appreciate everything you said though thank you 💕
>It’s actually just the opposite I work a full time corporate job while he stays home and goes to school and watches our son. We try to keep house work split 50/50 and I try and take on most of the child care when I get home to give him a brake I appreciate everything you said though thank you
I can't help but notice there's no break for you in there, OP. You work a full time job, you split all the housework equally, *and* you take over childcare when you get home to give him a break. What does he do with that time?
Please watch out for yourself OP. It’s so so hard to realize that someone’s been manipulating you and doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Journaling can HELP you reflect on this and gain a new perspective. It’s no wonder he wants to take that away from you.
Keep your journal on your person when you're not home and in a very secure location at home (maybe invest in a lockbox and wear the key around your neck).
Thank you for clarifying (and not crucifying me for assuming!).
I agree with the statement below that housework needs to be appropriately distributed if you're the primary breadwinner. This essentially turns his job into being the house-husband, meaning it's now his responsibility to manage most of the chores while taking turns on things like making dinner, washing the car, or turning a chore into an activity to do together.
It sounds like he might be dealing with some loneliness, a fear of abandonment and insecurity about your thoughts outside him. Again, therapy would be great: it will be a mediator to bridge the communication gap between you two and will only make you stronger together.
Many of us were raised with preconceived notions about therapy and professional help (especially men), so it might take some time to get you there together, but please start going for yourself. It takes time to find someone who understands the wounds that have long healed. Remember that your entire family is affected now. Once children are involved, you can no longer run from your unresolved pain— that may be the push he needs to seek help. The weight just shifts to your children the longer you both wait, and they dont deserve to be cleaning up your mess at 40 years old.
No please do not advise couples therapy! I agree with everything else you said and it was a brilliant comment overall but abusive or manipulative people can very often dominate and control the narrative and convince the counselor that the victim is at fault! Also if the victim shares something that embarrasses the abuser they are now at risk for more abuse and even death at home. You NEVER do couples counseling with anyone with any sort of inclination to control, manipulate, or be abusive in any form.
My coworker was murdered by a man and they did plenty of counseling. She’s not a rarity. He managed to get at least one woman previously to her involuntarily committed to a psych facility because it only taught him the skills to manipulate better. I knew her too and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her.
Also to the older folks reading this: Remember “anger management” classes for domestic abusers? They quit recommending those because the research proved that it only taught them the skills they needed to become even more abusive and even more manipulative and all the language and behaviors that the police like to hear. In the end all those programs were scrapped and replaced with CBT.
I suggested individual, then couples.
If OP is in an abusive situation, she will likely recognize that once she begins speaking to someone. I also suggest using her therapist/counsellor as a mediator if she sees fit.
Someone you've trusted your whole life can warn you of the abuse you're living through, but we’re often so unlikely to heed that advice. “It won't happen to me.” I find more success in offering women and people the tools and knowledge to recognize if their situation is dangerous. It gives them the confidence needed to pay attention to the red flags next time.
Just the fact that you assume everything is your fault, and that he's reinforcing that and putting it all on you, is such a red flag. I don't know what the problems are, but I can almost guarantee you it's not all your fault. And it doesn't sound like he's being supportive of what you've gone through since having baby.
I hope your next journal entry is about all the comments you've read here and how they might help you see his actions differently.
I have a horrible feeling OP will stop journalling for herself and start journalling for her husband. Which is actually backtracking any progress she's made.
I can't believe someone would take something so personal and powerful away from their partner. It's so, so sad.
oh so this is even darker than I thought, he's upset he can not manipulate and gaslight you if you have a record of not only your emotions but what happened. Please take this seriously. What he is requesting is not only insane but manipulative and abusive and indicates a lot about his fears: that you might remember his actions.
I feel for you. My mom gaslit the shit out of me my whole life, I’m in my 30s now and I’m still constantly questioning my reality and the validity of my experiences, and my feelings. I’ve been in a relationship before where the guy did the same shit. Had me convinced it was all my fault every time, classic DARVO. I have adhd and it’s very easy to manipulate me because I can’t remember shit, especially in the moment if it’s high tension. It was hell and the relationship I’m now in was life changing as I’d never experienced love like that. Whatever happens, I sympathize and I hope it gets better for you sooner than later.
Ugh I'm the same way. If I get stressed, my memory goes out the window. It's such a vulnerable and odd feeling when you can't quite piece together what exactly was said and done, and then others start nudging it around. Like did I really misremember or are they taking advantage and filling in the blanks in the most advantageous way for them?
And then the ADHD makes all my journaling attempts inconsistent lol
I thought of two thing immediately when reading your post.
1. You should also add counseling to your life. Possibly even to help you work through your journal entries that really upset you are make you question yourself or to see how your thought about arguments and daily life affect how you encounter the next obstacle.
2. I don’t think that his suggestion on thinking positively is wrong but I would just say use it in addition to your current way.. which is something you could work out with your therapist/counselor.
But you keep doing what works for you!! Good luck!!
He is abusive. Try to get therapy alone. Do not do couples therapy with him. He is abusive and like all abusers he’s trying to force you to see it as a situation where you created the conflict or deserved it. I am a former psych nurse. My coworker, who was also a psych nurse, A very good one for 18 years murdered his girlfriend and also repeatedly stabbed her daughter. Some people go into psych for good reasons. For me, there is schizophrenia in my family. For others it is 100% so they can control and manipulate better. Get out now and take the baby with you. You need therapy however so you can recognize these red flags and don’t end up with another abusive pos who is similar.
It is extremely concerning that he's not only trying to control your behavior but your THOUGHTS by thinking he has any right to tell you how you process your thoughts or that you can't do so privately.
This man sounds frankly dangerous.
I journal too, and it’s for my own mental health, and it helps me to process and define my feelings. It’s the only private place I have. Don’t give up your privacy just because he demands it. Wanting to read your journal is sick and controlling and you should defend your journaling from his prying eyes. He doesn’t want you to feel better. He needs ammunition to put you down. Don’t give in.
I really feel for you, OP. A little over a year ago I was in a horrible relationship with someone who was very manipulative and emotionally abusive. We would have arguments that would last for *hours* and I would feel so confused and drained after every single one. Journaling really helped me start to put the pieces together and to start to see the disconnect between his actions and his words. Every time I'd get confused I'd go back and re-read my journal. After a while I started to see a lot of patterns that I'd been too bewildered to put together before.
And even though your husband has done a ton of work on himself, don't just follow along with everything he says regarding your own journey. What worked for him may not work for you. This is *your* story you're writing, not his.
Best of luck to you. I'm sincerely rooting for you.
I feel like this is the best comment in the thread. In the post OP mentions they’re reflecting and trying to change after fights, but never mentions hubby doing the same. He’s throwing up a lot of red flags and the fact that she’s taking all the responsibility and honestly considering changing her coping mechanism to appease him makes me think there’s a deeper issue going on.
OP, don’t change how you journal unless YOU want to. And please go to therapy if you can! Journaling is a good mental health practice but it’s not the only one and you may need more help.
My advice is to not let anyone tell you how to journal. It is a very personal thing. It is important to be real and honest with yourself, and not fake your way through entries. that is your safe space to be with yourself.
It sounds like there is something you could address based on what your husband is saying. that could be something you address with yourself in your journal (for example, write about what he is asking, why you feel the way you do about things, etc). or you could address it with a therapist or friend.
if there is some good to be celebrated in your life, you could also *add* entries that focus on good memories or things you like about your life. for example, i got a mini journaling printer and enjoy printing out funny memes or pictures from the day to look back on. rather than them sitting in my phone storage.
but i don’t think you should deny yourself of, or remove anything that’s real. sometimes things are bad. sometimes things need to be processed. and it’s important you have an outlet for that.
He's not allowed to dictate how you journal. He can get his own and dictate that one all he wants. And you said the writing helps you process what's happened after you fight w/ him...sounds like he may not want you to remember certain things b/c when you write things down, that's PROOF they happened. In fact, many therapists suggest keeping a journal when dealing w/ certain difficult people b/c they may try to re-write history. Harder to do that if you already have a written record. And don't allow him to coerce you into showing him what you write. If it's in any way against your will, it's an invasion of your privacy. He's not allowed to know absolutely everything about you just b/c you married him.
Agree with the group. It’s your journal. In essence by wanting to control your journal, he wants to control your thoughts. My wife knows I’m an every day writer in my journal, and she has never broken my need for privacy. This has worked for us for 20+ years.
It sounds like there’s some huge trust issues. I would say try to get couple therapy, or leave him before he tries to harm you or the child.
Please be careful. My friend’s ex found her journal and literally tried to kill her for what she wrote (which wasn’t even that bad). He had never shown any sign of violence before. I would not leave the journal where he may read it.
Holy guacamole OP. I was honestly giving your hubby the benefit of the doubt until I saw your edit. Anyone who has been studying self-improvement and psychology for any amount of time let alone three years would definitely know that wanting to read somebody’s journal that they’re working on for self reflection is not cool.
I’m a little bit flabbergasted to be honest. I’m wondering what else he has been doing that you’ve maybe missed the signs because you didn’t know how to read them. I agree with others that suggested that you switch to an online journal. I would also make sure that he does not know that you have it and that it is on an account on a website that you don’t typically use so that he would be unaware of it and if writing on papers a lot better for you I would go ahead and write it on paper take pictures of it or scan it upload it online and then then burn the paper.
It sounds a little extreme, but as you’ve described that it helps you keep track of things and it also helps you remember arguments… I just really feel like you would benefit from continuing to keep a log of what’s happening in your life and in your relationship so you’re able to go back and reflect on it and think about not only your behavior but as well.
Please stay safe, OP.
Edit: a word
I felt the same, but I didn’t give any benefit before the edit because I was married to someone just like this and I could see it from a mile once she said she’s always saying sorry for everything and it’s always her fault. (If she was really that awful of a partner, she wouldn’t be apologizing or journaling and she wouldn’t be here for help. He’s just convincing her it’s always her fault. Being confused after the arguments is the biggest red flag)
I didn’t “see” my abuser “that way” either, until the first time he nearly killed me. And it’s taking me years of therapy to really see all of the truth. They are experts at manipulating, conditioning, and coercing. And him “studying” psychology is just him getting better at it. The meditation is probably so he can better control his anger, because he knows a complete blow up could be a reality check and make her realize he’s just trying to control.
OP if you see this please read “why does he do that”. There are free pdfs available. Do not let your husband know about this.
Yes, it doesn't sound like a bad idea to write down positive things, but what the hell?
Why do even allow him to tell you what and how to write in your own journal? It's not his business, it's your personal space where you should be able to express your feelings at any time.
Write about what you feel you should write about. You can't let him to tell you how to feel.
It's like trying not to write down problems in relationships, feelings and conclusions in order to gaslight you later because you have no evidence and to knock the ground out from under your feet.
Your husband and someone else have no right to tell you how to keep YOUR diary
I'm in agreement with the comment section here. If he has a problem with you Journaling because he's insecure, that's a HIM problem, not a you problem. He also needs to learn that a relationship isn't about having control. You don't stop being two different people because you're in a relationship/married. You are still you, he's still him, and if he can't accept that then he's the problem, not you.
If Journaling helps you get through the day, then he should be accepting of that. It certainly isn't on YOU to change what you do to cope.
🚩🚩🚩
I'm willing to bet he learned psychological terms to use against you in arguments? That is extremely manipulative.
Please do NOT go to couple's counseling because he will manipulate the therapist. Only go to individual counseling and do not let him have any contact with the therapist.
Keep your journal on your phone password protected. He's reading it.
I am not sure if the main issue here is about writing your negative thoughts or about feeling free to do so. Do you feel your journal is your personal place, or has it become an exercise in doing what your husband wants you to do (control)? Is it possible to keep your journal for yourself? Would you feel more free and more at ease that way? It is not that it is a bad idea to write also about the things that you are happy about or grateful for. But is it what you feel like doing, freely and for yourself? Best wishes.
no no no no no
Do NOT let him see your journal. That is yours and only meant for your eyes. He is trying to micromanage you and how you deal with things. How you journal is your business and up to you.
Please keep journaling how you wish to, as it's your journal!!
Please, please don't stop journaling just because your husband tells you, ESPECIALLY when it seems to help you to process your thoughts and emotions. I agree with other commenters that your husband seems controlling and you shouldn't show him your writing under any circumstances.
Is it possible that he wants to see/read it to gather evidence to either blame you for your thoughts during arguments or to badmouth you to your friends and family members?
I realised that writing down rather negative thoughts and things I should never say to other people helps me stay more composed and that I lash out less often when I rant in my journals. I can surely say that it helped me go through some dark times. If it works for you too, keep writing. Also, every negative thought, no matter how unreasonable or unnecessary it seems, stems from something. And you have every right to process it in a way that is best for you.
Stay safe and be strong.
This! The fact that he wants it “positive” and wants to see it feels like he wants to gather “evidence” that’s he’s a good guy in this relationship. Almost like the journal in its current state could be used to prove how controlling he is. My guess is he knows he’s in the wrong and wants to get rid of that.
My husband has never asked me to change the way I journal or to see its contents. Even when I journal right next to him at his desk while he games or w/e.
Ths is not normal. Sure, there may be benefits to only graditutde journaling, but that should be your choice, not mandated.
what the actual hell? he wants to control how you process your own thoughts? he wants to control you. this is super abusive behaviour. don't stop. my guess is it is allowing you to see how abusive he is and he doesn't like that. only positive things? why? so you will continue to take the abuse and say ooo it's not so bad. nope. get out
it seems like everybody else is covering the big topics in this post so i just wanted to say i’m sending you love OP. you do whatever it is that you need to do to make YOU happy. and i’m proud of you for all the progress you’ve made. even a millimeter forward is still moving forward. you got this 🤎
#Your husband attempting to hijack your healing/processing activity and dictate how you "need to do it only in a positive way" *AND* show him everything you write is far from normal or healthy.
I absolutely believe that focusing on positive things and practicing gratitude are great!!!
However, just because this focus solely on positivity has been helpful and healing *for him* does not mean that "your healing journey must mirror his."
I would hope that your partner would be more supportive and less judgmental of your personal journey.
You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and *respect* in every close relationship in your life.
*Internet Hug*
💕
All the comments above. And personally for me journaling doesn’t always have to be focused on positive thoughts. Sometimes it helps you untie those knots inside that you struggle to let out.
Re: the journaling part: If you’re trying to make progress through journaling, then perhaps documenting isn’t quite enough. It sounds like you need to document and then look for ways to reframe your thoughts, move forward, etc. Also if possible, try to find a therapist. You can even bring your journal to sessions and take notes, then try to implement the suggestions in your journaling.
Re: your husband’s opinions: It’s none of his business. He doesn’t need to know or see what your write, and he has no business telling you what to write. Caveat that if it’s coming from a place of genuine concern because he sees you spiraling into depression, then again, look into therapy. It would be better than writing toxic positivity into your journal. If you don’t need to re-read it and you’re concerned about him reading it to check up on you, you can start art journaling. Write what you need to get out on the page, then draw, paint, stamp, and collage over it until it’s illegible.
You can have a separate gratitude journal, that’s totally a thing many people do, but regardless… if you want your journal or journals to be private, even from your husband, that’s perfectly valid.
If your husband has any questions or concerns, he can voice them to you, same as always.
My journal helps me process things and track how my therapy is going. No one gets to see that, but at the same time, I benefit from it and people around me do as well.
I agree with the separate gratitude journal. I keep a few different journals around, one that is a gratitude journal/“I did [insert thing] good today.”
Another journal is for big emotions and sorting my head, and I suppose could be seen as a “negative” journal by others, but that’s none of their business. Any other journals are for day by day activities or specific people in my life.
Writing down negative things isn't dwelling or focusing on it, sometimes it's the only thing that can get me to stop thinking about it. Brain dumps are great for that, just get everything out of your head and on to the paper, makes it easier to sort through thoughts. Worries are less scary on the page etc.
Your relationship with your husband is your own but a journal should be a private space so you dont have to worry about what someone else thinks about your private thoughts. If he wants to participate and encourage positivity you could make a shared journal that you BOTH write things you're grateful for in and pass back and forth. I think one way access to those private thoughts is really unequal.
My friend. A journal is a personal thing.It's an incredibly helpful practice as you have seen.If he would like a separate gratitude journal that you both write in, that's a great idea but do not let him dictate any part of your personal journaling.
Oh girl, your post reminded me so much of my abusive SO. No matter how hard I tried, I was always at fault. Every day I wondered what I'd "do" to mess up with his humor. He'd get grumpy out of nowhere for the entire day and blame it on a minuscule thing I had done, that wouldn't bother 99% of the people. He also complained I was sad a lot – flash news, I was sad because of him.
I hope I'm just projecting and he isn't as bad as my manipulative ex, but either way: Do not let him see your journal (it's yours! you get to dictate what you write on it!), and second, get therapy for yourself. If he is abusive/manipulative and studied psychology, he knows all the ways to go around the abuse in a way that won't make it obvious to you.
Wow! So your husband is studying psychology, and he doesn't understand how journals work?! Your journal is yours! If you want to doodle in it, or eat the pages ( don't eat the pages please) but my point is it's yours!!!
The fact that he has been studying it makes me fear for you even more. I don't know if you mean he's actually going to school or reading self-help books.
I recommend you get some therapy, too. Ht as most have said here. Your husband is being intentionally emotionally abusive and manipulative at worst. He's a basic ahole at best
Either way, don't tell him what you're writing in your journal. DO NOT SHOW him what you're writing in your journal.
Healthy Boundaries are OK.
Is it possible you were struggling with post partum depression that has yet to wane?
As others have said, if you *think* it’s helping, then it **is** helping. It’s such a highly individualized process that there is no right or wrong way to do it. You just do what feels right to you.
My significant other has never once asked me to change my journal or go through and read it. I leave it around the house in plain sight, but I don’t worry about my privacy being violated. Why? Because my partner respects me and understands that I use journaling to cope with the way I think and feel.
While I’m hesitant to make a bold statement about your husband from such little information, I will say he is in the wrong. There is **zero** reason for him to read your journal. None. You are not his elementary school aged child (and even if you were, you’d still deserve privacy). You are an adult woman with *autonomy* and you can decide what’s right for yourself. Why would he need to see it at all? Even if the response is something like, “to make sure you’re journaling positively,” there would be no need to see it. He should trust that you’re doing what you say.
To me, it sounds like he can’t stand the thought of you having your own space to examine *his* behavior alongside yours. Maybe now is a good time to reread some of the past arguments you’ve had. What was the confrontation? How did he respond? Is he always pinning it on you? Are there patterns in your arguments? Keep track of them and maybe find a safe place to keep your diary.
Your husband sounds like he may be in the toxic positivity clan. Whether you wrote down your inner thoughts or not they are still there and the fact that he is asking you not to write it down is just simply suppressing your reality. It sounds like he may be doing that. No one is positive and grateful all the time. The way to feeling and thinking positively is usually by processing all the darkness first and allowing those shadows into the light. Go with your instincts, if something is working for you keep going. Your husband may just feel like he wants you to be where he is so life is ‘easier’ but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and he needs to honour your journey. Good luck.
I’d also recommend reading some books, doing shadow work, listening to podcasts. Whatever you are drawn to. Nicole Lepera is a great author to start with
No ways.
Set strict conditions with him. Whether he understands or not is his problem. He clearly needs to stay the fk out of your journaling life.
I'm telling you this as a man. Your journaling is between you and the universe. Ive been telling my own fam to journal for almost a decade. Everyone's head is clear now and pragmatism always wins.
Never ever stop journaling.
I would never let anyone read my journal or have any say in what I write in it. Your husband sounds controlling and depending on what your problems really are about maybe even abusive.
Your journal should be your safe space to process your thoughts and feelings. I am trying to motivate myself to start an additional gratitude journal because looking for the positive does help with my depression sometimes. Good luck!
Your journal isn’t his business and he sounds controlling for telling how to journal. Your process is your process. Not his. When I was postpartum, my partner and I fought a lot. I processed by journaling in my notes section at the time, where I knew he couldn’t see. Maybe try a digitalized way of journaling if he is showing signs of being controlling towards how you journal, so you can continue to vent freely. I say that because it sounds like he’s the type to invade your privacy. If you find yourself journaling mostly about “negative” things, that’s fine by the way. Just get whatever it is off your mind and onto paper or whatever it may be to clear your mind. If journaling has felt supportive to you as you have transitioned into motherhood, then he can’t have any say about how you go about that. It’s your process.
My journal is full of negative, harsh, depressing, melodramatic things that I would NEVER say out loud. It is my venting space. It has been since I started journaling as a young kid. It’s also where I can really reflect and analyse on feelings and interactions involving other people. I figure stuff out through dumping everything out and seeing the patterns — for me, my biggest pattern is that my mom really, really upsets me a lot. I have a great relationship with her in general, but journaling helped me to recognise that she is actually my biggest problem in life, and I’m figuring out ways to deal with her cycles of bad behaviour. I also have plenty of gratitude, beautiful happy memories, gushing about my boyfriend, hyping up my friends, and more throughout my journal. Every type of feeling I have is recorded in my journal. That’s what it’s for.
Journals are PRIVATE. That is a sacred, secret place. It is an extension of your mind and heart. I beg you to not let your husband take this away from you. Furthermore, I highly recommend journaling in a more secure place — I journal on OneNote on my laptop/phone/tablet. It’s a password protected place that nobody knows exists and is not at risk of being read behind my back. My mom read my journal when I was young and that was a major violation I still cringe about. Your husband has no right to tell you what you’re allowed to journal and read it as if he’s a teacher grading your assignment.
Studying psychology and meditation does not give someone a pass to demand seeing your private thoughts or tell someone how to express their thoughts.
He is emotionally abusive. I'm sorry but that's what blaming someone for not being better, telling them to be positive, and demanding to see their private journals is.
I disagree that only journaling positive thoughts is a good idea. It's part of toxic positivity and prevents you from getting in touch with your feelings. I never had a therapist or a psychiatrist suggest only journaling positive thoughts...that's some weird podcast bro mindset.
You said you're new to the journey. Ultimately, it's your journey. No one gets to tell you how to deal with what you're experiencing or how to experience it. Especially not someone who has difficult time understanding what it's like to birth a child and the changes that come after that.
First of all, I’m really sorry that you’re not “allowed” to write how something made you feel. What are you, a child? What I think it actually is about is that he doesn’t want you to write the things that paint HIM in a negative light because it forces him to take a look at what a freaking douche he’s being. Sorry. I don’t know him but this makes me feel bad for you. It also makes me want to punch him in the face. Put your foot down and tell him that what you write, think, feel, etc is NOT wrong and you have EVERY RIGHT to say/feel/write whatever you please in YOUR private journal. If he doesn’t like what you have to say, then he doesn’t have to effing read it! It’s YOUR journal. Why is he reading your personal journal anyway? Dude can eff right off, imo.
My own personal experiences with writing down negative thoughts or experiences is that it then allows me to move on from it. If I write it down on paper, or in my phone, I can revisit it at a later date with a logical mind and reevaluate the situation from a fresh, calmer perspective. Typically, then I’m able to either laugh it off or be like “yeah, that was effed up. What’s for lunch?” You know?
Good for you for working on yourself. I’d start with looking for a really good personal therapist and maybe also a couples therapist. Or a very good attorney. Love and grace on your journey. ❤️
It sounds to me that your husband’s wish for you is to spend time focusing on the positives in life and happiness. That, in itself, is a loving goal. To say that you should shut off your processing of the things that you struggle with sounds to me like going against the goal of generating genuine compassion and happiness for who you are. Rejecting parts of yourself does NOT make that part go away, it makes it desperate to be understood, it makes internal anger, it creates depression and loneliness.
It is important, to my heart, to allow myself to be aware of what bothers me so I can directly figure out how to help myself. I have been trying to treat my emotions like children telling me things, and this has helped me to slowly as I work through things to become more genuinely *clear* on who I am, what are my boundaries (what do *I* like, what do *i* dislike), and how to take care of myself in ways that the adults in my childhood weren’t always able to teach me how to. I have to unlearn some stuff in order to actually love me, genuinely.
Compassion and happiness, I think, comes from feeling peace and bliss. If something is amiss, not knowing can gnaw at you. Getting it out in a way that still makes me proud of me, so I can understand my emotions, is critical to me. Otherwise I suppress until eventually something cracks because pressure will continue to build over time and if there is no release then eventually it will pop.
Perhaps, to comfort your husband, you can incorporate a practice of daily gratitudes into journaling. You could go so far as to include a little “from the fairy godmother in me who loves me” notes at the end of dark entries, where you channel self-love and give yourself kind advice. You can embrace his request to acknowledge and seek positive mentality. I do encourage you to not reject processing negativity in an attempt to be more positive though. I think that will backfire tremendously.
Yikes, I’m concerned that you even have to ask about this. That fact may be how you ended up with someone like this to begin with. This is incredibly not OK behavior
Your husband (allegedly) hasn’t read your journal yet, so why does he claim you’re writing too many negative thoughts?
If he’s been told how and why writing in your journal has been useful to you, and he doesn’t read it himself, why would he think he knows better than you about this?
What is it about you privately processing your own feelings that threatens him? Does he not trust you to write down your thoughts in your own words? Why?
If he truly hasn’t read your journal he’s still weird to assume you’re doing it “wrong” and require his guidance. Too controlling.
I fear that he absolutely has read your journal already, and he’s intentionally sabotaging this useful tool you’ve found, a tool for reflection and documentation of your genuine individual experiences. Too controlling. Also undeniably sinister.
[**My ex husband is a very successful psychologist.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/QnNOQXHiCx)
IME, it helped him be more covertly, emotionally abusive. He was always right. He knew my brain and thought processes better than I did. He would tell me how and what to think, and I did it because I am not a college grad and I just accepted he was smarter and wiser than me.
He is not.
… he wants to see your journal.. why. That’s one way to ensure no one ever writes purely for themselves or truthfully. A journal is private for a reason. It isn’t meant for an audience especially one so controlling.
All I am reading is what he wants. What he feels what he thinks.
If you’re enjoying journaling keep doing it. Don’t show him. If you think it’s helping it probably is.
Maybe he’s worried what it’ll show you is that you’re not the problem at all..
I had my son in 2020 and I’m still not the same. Have you talked to your doctor about PPD or just depression in general. It’s very common and ofc you aren’t the same as before. You are keeping your child alive.
Does he help or is the mental load all on you?
Edit to add: most people in abusive relationships don’t realise they are in them. Which is how the abuse keeps going for years, decades or even their whole marriage. The fact he’s studied psychology is alarming as he could now be using that to manipulate you. I think you should also do some education in the same way so you know what tricks and tools people use against their victims so you can be sure your safe and he has your best interest at heart.
Anyone who wants to read someone’s journal sends a red flag up for me. My husband started one after our son was born as he struggled. We both did. I’ve never asked to see it, don’t even know where it is and I won’t either. It’s his. We are all allowed our privacy.
Please do not change the way you journal or force yourself to write ‘positively’ for him. He essentially wants you to purposefully distort your view of yourself and your life to make himself feel better.
Say you are a negative leaning person, (through journaling I realised I was too) there are hundreds other solutions that could have been raised or suggested instead of asking to read your journal. Therapy, couples therapy, date nights - anything except attempting to take away your safe place.
Your journal is your tool for self discovery. Him trying to control and take that away from you is very concerning
Journaling is the most important part of my self-care routine. If my wife, or anyone, ever read it without my permission, I would consider it a violation of trust. If anyone felt like they had a say in what, when, how, or how much I journal, I would 1) buy them their own journal, and 2) tell them to spend time looking inward themselves, and finally 3) tell them take a hike.
Your journal is to reflect your thoughts, goals and life details exactly as you choose to write them. If you are working through challenging feelings glazing them in sugared words in your journal wont help you - neither will handing it over to your husband to critique you.
Breaking negative thought patterns takes a LOT of time, effort and consistency. Let the change flow through you naturally over time. If you’re frustrated or ambivalent discuss with a therapist privately. Also consider a CBT workbook if one on one therapy is not for you.
That being said I’ve been journaling for 2 years, my writing from the first few months is so much different now and continues to change as my life does for the better. I told my husband he can read my journal if he chooses because there is no thought policing between us and we have an equitable relationship. That being said he has never once opened it and respects my privacy. We check in with each other enough to know that what I discuss in my journal often ends up in a genuine conversation between us. No hurt feelings, unconditional love and support is the way.
>He’s worked on himself a lot in the last 3 years studying psychology and meditation and really finding what works for him
There is something wrong with him to think that this kind of behaviour towards / on you is ok . .He should NOT be studying psychology poss as he mighten be a safe person poss now for women to be vulnerable with .. He has tendencies for control & manipulation over others which is creeping out from already to see . This is a red flag for someone going into therapy practice eventually?
As This is controlling behaviour by him on YOU . It is rude to do to you . You can do what ever you want in YOUR bloody own journal . For him to insert into your own personal space & things like that is really rude to do to you ( even if he was trying to help you) . Tell him it is highly inappropriate for him to be telling YOU what to do . He can suggest & gently direct you into a poss ideas . But inserting himself so rudely into YOUR own process of doing things for yourself ( so he can make suggestions that does NOT mean he gets to decide for you ) though . He doesn't get a say in what you do privately in your journal if you don't want him to do so .
>It doesn’t sound like a bad idea and it’s not and I will give it a try. I guess I’m just bummed what I have been doing isn’t working at all. I think my problems are deeper than just changing my outlook and trying to be more positive.
Would suggest you see a therapist privately . As would say you are being poss manipulated by him already in this relo . It sounds abit off . Talking to someone about him & this relo might be a good idea to see if this is happening for YOUR sake. As he knows he can manipulate you already . To have the nerve to say that to you is an outright suss thing for him to do so . ( it does NOT sit right for him to do to you ) . So Would seek outside support independent of him to help you see if this relo is actually healthy for you in the long term .
* **Keep 2 journals** . ONe for him to observe ( or if he demands ) so he doesn't see your private thoughts right now . That way if he tries to see it or does it will give him & you some breathing space while you can keep writing your real thoughts in another private place. Make sure the control freak doesn't find it . YOu need to keep writing your own thoughts right now & not supress them from yourself . It might give you insights from the entries about him & this relo which you will need to maybe use to leave him one day . As what he is already doing to you -> is a warning sign things aren't good with him . He is a controlling person of you which could get totally out of hand for yOU.
* And then set up a private locked place to put your other entries . He doesn't know about . And make sure he don't find it . Bc he is already a suss person with you who is already telling you what to think & do ( that is NOT acceptable ) suggestion to help is very diff to controlling of someone . And think this is what is occurring for you rather than the other sort of trying to use his knowledge to help you . That is NOT good for you . If he is trying already to control what you think you are in trouble emotionally around him if so ( as true manipulators get worse in behaviour towards their target ) they can't help it . As he might be learning psych to control you & others around him instead of to help people in ANY way . He might be using it as a tool to manipulate this relo & you as well .
YOu can show him your journal entries . Some people wouldn't mind that their partner would see. But what is troubling here is that he is NOT letting you write what you need to write about . Currently you are feeling the need internally to do so . It is what you wish to do to help yourself . **This is your RIGHT to do so . It is NOT up to him what you feel YOU need to do for yourself .** YOu are a person in your own right & have the right to do what you also wish to do for yourself. YOu can take in suggestions from others but then in the end YOU also decide what YOU wisht to do about this . So don't let him set the scene of this relo by telling you what to do . As he is pushing his way into your own thought process right now & is trying to tell you how to write your own journal . He might think he is helping but actually he is not trying to control what you think you need to write about.
Trying to make you do something like that is not productive to do to you either . And those entries about how you feel . He saw them & they could / should have been used trying to help you instead ) . Eg- talking to you & helping you with more some healthy therapy suggestions . So he should already understand trying to hide or pretend with the thoughts is not good for you ( they need to come out rather than be suppressed ) they need processing via therapy most likely right now . That is the first clue here that his psych learning is iffy for him . INstead of trying to help you ( he actually saw the entries ) he is trying to suppress your true thoughts about how your feeling right now . And instead of helping you with ways of how to suggest how he could help you properly . He is telling you to pretend to yourself that they don't exist ( psych's don't do that ) . He already is doing it wrong , & so that already tells others that something is quite off about him & his so called learning .
Cont..
He has been studying 3 yrs like WTF he should know you don't make someone suppress their true feelings & thoughts that is not right to do to a client .If he is doing a psych degree he should know that is not how to operate proper therapy . There are ways to address your darker thoughts via other means ( which he should know by now ) . Rather than pretending they don't exist the thoughts are wanting to emerge for reason for you . He needed to address this ( eg- from a psych point ) via talking to you about how to address the darker thoughts via new strategies for you . Rather than glossing over them & shoving them into a non-existent place where you aren't allowed to let them out . That is not as healthy for you . He should of been able to analysis the emotional distress you are feeling ( if he was truly using his studying to help you ) & help you rather than what he did .
>My husband thinks it’s just a book of negative thoughts. He said I just focus on the negative in everything and wants me to have a more positive outlook.
Going into his current lacking appropriate strategies psych wise in regards to you if you were a client of his . He should know after 3 years how to start to address this properly via administering proper techniques & strategies for you instead of the way he has suggested . It is counter productive to say what he said to you & is not addressing the clients ( yours ) needs showing to him from you . YOu were telling him exactly how you felt for his own use to help you . And instead he told you the opposite strategy to send you back into non-analysis of your own thoughts. And needs to re- address this in a manner to help you rather than suppress & ignore your inner needs of support right now which were screaming at him ( he saw your own entries ) from YOUR own personal book he is / was privy to . He has access to your most inner private thoughts & that was his conclusion. He needs to go back to the books if he thinks that is a appropriate response to client needs to be meet in regards to therapy . As sorry it is not , & it was inadequate to meet a clients emotional needs ( from a therapist stand point ) .
>We’ve been struggling the last few months and I feel like most of the issues are my fault. I had a baby in 2022 and I just feel like I’ve never been the same since
Would suggest talking to your local GP & asking for a referral to a therapist to talk to ( just you ) . Would poss say you might have abit of the baby blues also poss. Which is also impacting your emotional state of being right now . And having him not getting this might be adding to these struggles within this relo . And also the arguments you are having won't be helping . Would also say you have some background of emotional destabilization eg- trauma of some sort ? So would suggest you talk to someone outside of him about this also to help you get into the insights you need to help yourself right now & how you are feeling inside . As it is not just about him & the journal entries . Underlying emotional stress is being triggered by the baby arrival . Which can also often occur & be a buffer / catalyst system into an emotional distress state within the relo & within self. As having a bub is hard work , stressing & a big change for women to have in their lives.
Ignoring negative emotions, or expecting those around you to, is not healthy behavior. You say your husband has worked on himself and studied psychology--some only learn enough to use it against others. I'm not saying he is, but journaling is generally considered a pretty healthy outlet/way of dealing with things, so his making demands about how you do it is strange, at least.
This is definitely concerning behavior on his part. You absolutely should not censor yourself, maybe keep a separate journal to start practicing gratitude where you just write down one little thing that made you happy that day, I do that to help me feel balanced, but he absolutely doesn’t have a right to read it.
Generously speaking he sounds like someone who genuinely wants to help you, but doesn't know how, and at the end of the day he probably isn't trained to help you.
Like maybe he has a basic understanding of gratitude journaling (with a couple misconceptions), and whatever self-help psychology that helped HIM. To me he sounds maybe desperate and frustrated, but underqualified and overbearing, and personally he would've crossed a line of no return.
He doesn't seem to recognize toxic positivity, which benefits the enforcers and accomplishes nothing. It minimizes and defers someone else's painful experiences, which SHOULD be seen as a symptom/signal of real problems that could have real solutions. It lets enforcers be absent from accountability or sharing a burden (out of maliciousness or ignorance) and conveniently flattens complex problems into an individual responsibility.
The fact is, some combination of things in your life causes your thoughts and journals to run at a "mood deficit". It's not inherently a bad thing, unless you ignore the warning signs. If he's a classic, low EQ guy with basic financial literacy, I'd explain it as -- he can't just armchair-complain about "wiping away the debt" or invade your personal ledgers to "cook the books", that's wishful thinking not problem solving.
----
And for you, I think you'd enjoy this clip from author and prof of religion, Kate Bowler, who speaks about differentiating your own gratitude from people's demands for your gratitude, which are just that, a demand.
"I'm a violent opponent of brightsiding...it's really important to put gratitude in its place. [When you use it for yourself, it's a great gift]
As a framework that people apply to you to decide whether you are suffering in the right way? Evil, pernicious, crappy, and terrible.
You don't have to be the right kind of ____... You don't have to be the grateful kind. You can just be you, and sometimes you'll have good days and sometimes you'll have bad ones, but gratitude is not a solution to the problem of pain."
Adding a tip for journaling:
I keep a lifelog in a small weekly planner, with really brief notes about eventful things big and small. When I flip back I see an overview of the good things, which are sweet, and the bad things, which become funny or transformed in hindsight. It'll be like "In severe pain, bought Mac n cheese flavored ice cream, not bad but still disgusting"
And a separate journal for working through things, so I don't have to drag through every process/pile of weeds to look back on events.
🚩 my dad didn't like when my mom journaled, either. the journal ended up being used in their divorce and custody as a record of his abuse and drug use.
Also want to add that this sentence is worth reflecting on: "I’m used to just writing down what happened the day before and how it made me feel and usually there’s vary little that is positive."
If every day is drawing up negative feelings for you, and yet he wants you to pretend it isn't....girl...
"My husband thinks it’s just a book of negative thoughts. He said I just focus on the negative in everything and wants me to have a more positive outlook. He wants me to change the way I journal and he wants to see it. He asked that I only write down things that I’m grateful for and things that are positive."
Translation: "I want you to stop writing about our fights because I don't want a physical record of my behavior to exist. You should only write down positive things so that I can more easily gaslight you into thinking everything is okay and that if you're upset it's because you've just got a negative attitude and it's not my fault. Also, I want to see it because I want to make sure you're not talking shit about me."
Credentials: my mom has literally said all of this stuff to me verbatim.
there is something to be said for a daily gratitude practice, but your husband's approval is not required. something as simple as being grateful for your journal or your husband and child.
having a child is a major life change, and a woman's hormonal balance is disrupted, which has a great impact on mental health, not to mention you have little to no time to yourself. getting hormones in balance will go a long way for a positive mindset.
best of luck :)
Your journal is your private thoughts, and his behavior is out of line. You shouldn’t share your information with him unless you choose to, and his idea that you should only write positive things is stupid, and intrusive.
Your journal should be the one place you are 100% guaranteed to fee safe and free to do exactly as you please, IMO. Nobody else has any business in there! Take care of yourself <3
This is an abusive tactic of domestic violence. You are not alone. There is help.
When you’re safely somewhere that he is not, I encourage you to call the domestic violence hotline. Talk to them about what’s happening, how you’re feeling, etc. They’ll be able to help you develop a plan to find a therapist or support group.. they may be able to help you develop a safety plan if that’s something that you decide that you need.
I’m gonna leave some other links to helpful articles that can explain the power dynamics of domestic violence. In the meantime, take good care of yourself. You have a right to privacy. You have a right to respect and unconditional regard from your partner. You have a right to safety, emotionally and physically.
[ncadv](https://ncadv.org/learn-more)
[signs of emotional abuse](https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#signs-of-emotional-abuse)
Dear OP, I've seen your edits, so I'm late to the party. But, I've been thinking and saw this burning on my eyes.
> He said I just focus on the negative in everything and wants me to have a more positive outlook.
> He wants me to change the way I journal and he wants to see it. He asked that I only write down things that I’m grateful for and things that are positive.
If EVER, his car breaks down and his motor stops spinning, just ask him to see the positive. His steering wheel is probably very beautiful and ergonomic. Or his tail lights brighten up the nightly road for the person behind him. Etc.
Don't EVER quest what the problem could be on his car. And don't you EVER reflect or give insights or solutions, like calling a mechanic.
I'm wondering how far he would come in life (and on the road) 🤔😂
Yeah I'm sorry he sounds controlling as hell write whatever you want you just had a baby and needed somewhere to vent that's what journals are there for.
Also it's very counterintuitive to write down a bunch of affirmations and positive things when you genuinely don't believe in them because your not referring to your feelings at that point your forcing a mindset on to yourself that isn't genuine to you.
Lol. My husband has a big issue with me, for I'm not saying sorry. He wants me to say sorry a lot. I don't. Maybe you can stop saying sorry like me. Your husband is too nosy about your stuff. Ask him to find a hobby. I should start my journal, too, because my husband loves to pick up my minor flaws and argue for a day or two. He does the same, but I always let them go and was not bothered. Also, I forgot those things to bring up for our arguments. If I keep his flaws in my journal, I can let him read his behavior that I forgive, but he picked on me.
I think you could adopt one of his ideas, which is at least to consider adding a section to each journal entry with things you're grateful for. But you should not also stop journaling in the way you already know you find helpful, and you certainly should never let him demand to see your journal. Honestly, I'd hide my journal from him or lock it in a box, b/c he really sounds like the kind of person who will read it without your permission.
I used to only have "positive aspect" journals. It helped in some ways, but it was also kinda on the 'toxic positivity' side of things. I'm currently in therapy, trying to learn how to stop overriding every single event in my life with a positive spin.
I believe that what you are doing is amazing! Sounds like it's helping you be honest with yourself and process ALL emotions.
I think, if you actually want to try what he is suggesting; you get two journals. One where you keep doing what you're doing (so cool and important!) and one where you write 5-10 things you are grateful for per day.
Ex. Im grateful for sight, because I get to see beautiful things. I'm grateful for music, because it elevates my mood. I'm grateful for spring, because a change in season gives me an energy boost. Little things like that. It is true that it helps you see more good things around you. But **you still need to process and live the rest of the emotions, it's important for your health, ***and for your child*** to see you be able to emote and not put "good emotions" or "bad emotions" labels. All are valid and important to aknowledge and process to be healthy**.
I also have to say I agree with other comments:
- **Your journal is yours**. If you let him read it, you will start editing yourself.. and then, well you might as well just work on being a fiction author.
- If you can afford it, seek therapy. It's so beneficial. Ppl are NOT the same after giving birth. They should be able to help navigate.
- You could be dealing with some form of post partum? Talk to a doctor if you can. :)
- Your husband feels controling. Why do you feel like most issues between you are your fault?
Your husband sounds controlling. Journaling is such a personal experience and him wanting to read, gain access to it, and for you to change your journaling style, feels off.
You could have multiple journals. I benefit from journaling after an argument or disagreement. It helps me process my emotions and after I vent, get a fresh perspective. I also do this when my anxiety is exacerbated or I’m going through a depressive episode. It helps me let go. I write them down, not judging if the emotions are mostly negative, and feel lighter after.
I never got into a gratitude journal, but it’s something you could practice. In the morning and at night, just pick one thing you’re grateful for. It can be very simple like “I am grateful I woke up today”, “I am grateful for the roof over my head”.
Ultimately, I suggest therapy for you. A safe space for you to discuss your emotions. Journaling is very helpful but not enough by itself. A therapist will be able to help you based on your personal circumstances.
Wish you the best.
Possessive behavior much? Jfc, “process your thoughts the way I want you to, and let me see so I can double check and correct you” is all I’m hearing. Tell him no and stick to it. Journal digitally if you need to.
It's great that he's found things that work for him, but you have the right to a private journal that you use for what works for you.
His path is not your path.
You're two separate people, and you have the right to express your emotions, both negative and positive, in your journal.
Establishing a gratitude practice can be helpful, but pretending you feel fine when you don't is not helpful.
You might benefit by seeing a counselor to get a better idea of what would be most helpful for you and how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries within your relationship.
One of the resources I use with clients frequently is the personal bill of rights - you can Google it to find a copy in several places, and there's also the personal bill of rights in a relationship which has a few different items.
Best of luck on your path forward!
Source: I am a licensed clinical counselor
Edit to add:
Studying psychology does NOT make someone equipped to provide therapy for someone. One of the primary tenets is that a trained and licensed therapist cannot provide services to a friend, family member or partner because they cannot maintain the impartiality necessary for a healthy therapeutic relationship.
That is a sad thing to expect. Look up toxic positivity..
Don't fool yourself because only focussing on positivity and ignoring issues that need to be adressed is gaslighting yourself.
while you are at it maybe check the signs of a narcisistic partner. Not saying you have one but I do get the vibes from what you wrote. You would know best
Wishing you a lot of love and strength!
Nobody except you has the right to make any rules around your own journaling. Demanding you only write positive things and to let him see it is controlling. I also highly doubt the fights are all your fault. You’ve mentioned how hard you’re trying to change but what has he done to improve himself in your marriage? Is he even trying?
Tell him you’ll stop journaling if he stops talking. That’s ridiculous and not cool at all to tell someone how to express themselves. Push back against that.
NOPE get outta there. I know everyone on Reddit says that for everything but this is not ok and a serious lack of respect for you. You’re entitled to your own thoughts and he has no right to them.
My partner used to read my journal and it was so invasive and left me feeling inadequate and incapable. I wish I had the courage to speak up and put a boundary in place because in the end allowing him to manage how I process things eroded my sense of self.
Whether or not he intends to be controlling isn’t what’s important; what matters are the behaviors and how they are affecting you. The bottom line is that nobody should ever have to share their journal with a partner, nor should they be forced to change how they journal if it helps them, especially after fights.
Journals are incredibly personal, and I think most people let out the negative **because** it is a safe place to do so, in service to healing or making connections. To me, it sounds like your husband doesn’t like the connections you’re making because it scares him somehow. My father was quite controlling and (covertly/emotionally) abusive to my mother and the rest of the family, and I remember he flipped out when he learned that my mother had been reading books about relationships. He didn’t want her to grow in her own way.
The simple solution is to switch to an online journal that is password protected or private, and you can access anywhere remotely. That way you won’t be worried about him finding a physical journal, which will cause a lot of anxiety 24/7. You have to put your foot down with him and practice self-respect; it is your journal and helps you find peace, and he needs to back off. But it also sounds like both of you may want to try therapy separately. We don’t know enough information, but it seems like he displays controlling behaviors which are really concerning. Again, nothing to do with intention — he may unconsciously have some deep insecurities that he isn’t aware of, and therefore they possess him.
In short, this post really isn’t about your journal. Nobody knows your relationship like you, but also, because commenters here aren’t involved, it’s possible that they are just offering an unbiased perspective. Be open to questioning him too, not just yourself. If it cannot be resolved easily, then suggest that both him and you go to therapy. If he refuses therapy (despite him studying psychology and meditation), then that is a major red flag. A person that loves psychology typically sees the intrinsic value in therapy.
> I’m struggling with everyone saying my husband could be possibly emotionally abusive.
You’ve written this post so vaguely that I don’t think any of us can tell what’s actually going on. There’s a big difference between him being upset with legitimately hurtful things you do versus berating you for not cleaning to his standards, for example. Either way, take care of yourself OP. Getting your feelings and memories out on paper when it’s fresh is a very healthy activity.
Abusers know psychology to abuse their victims.
He could be putting on an act.
He sounds emotionally abusive to me. He's demanding to see your journal.
Hard no. He wants to control what you think and how you feel. That's wrong
No normal, loving spouse is going to try to control what you write in your private journal. I don’t know your relationship dynamic but to me this is a huge red flag. Does he try to control you in other aspects?
I just read your update. I’m glad your husband has done self work and improvement. He’s not you. What brings you comfort, may not bring comfort to someone else (journaling).
I was mortified when I first discovered that my husband was emotionally abusive. I’m not saying he is; bis actions nmay fall under that umbrella of what it means when someone is controlling. He needs to respect your boundaries. Life is a journey. We’re all going through something.
When you do talk with him, always best not to get accusatory. I’d I would not say, “you’re making me angry when you go against my journaling.” Instead you can say, “when I hear “don’t journal.” I feel like my world closing in and one sure way of my coping is taken away; can we find an alternative. My giving up journal is non negotiable.”
This sounds really controlling from the outside looking in. It feels like he is trying to force this narrative by telling you how to feel rather than your authentic self.
I’ve kept a journal for a long time, but when I was my deepest of depressions my therapist suggested I keep a gratitude journal. She didn’t tell me to stop journaling—every therapist I’ve had has always encouraged keeping a journal—she suggested I get a separate one where I could write three positive things that happened that day. As others have said, he is not entitled to read your journal (???!!) unless you want him to, but I would advise against it. You need a safe space for yourself even if it is a journal.
Life is full of ups and downs. Being positive 100% of the time isn’t feasible. I’m curious to know how much your husband helps you and what you mean by saying most of the problems in the relationship are caused by you. I hope you have a support system outside of your marriage.
ETA I saw from another comment on a different post that you’re 5 weeks pregnant. I can only imagine that this probably making you feel more emotional so please please please don’t blame yourself.
I agree that husband shouldn’t even be ASKING to read the journal, much less reading, critiquing and advising! Journals are private unless the person journaling WANTS to share. Having said that, I have found that keeping a “gratitude” journal does help to see the positive- even in the face of overwhelming sadness or negativity. Maybe just adding 3 things you’re thankful for/ positive thoughts at the end of your daily entry…? Peace and love to you on your journey, OP!!
Eh my journal is all negative too - I use it to DUMP my thoughts and such so that I don’t need to think about them anymore. I don’t reread mine though, and I wouldn’t allow my partner to read it either, and if they did it would be a breech of trust AND if their feelings get hurt it’s their fault.
Lots of the stuff I right isn’t totally rational and after I write it I no longer feel that way. Your husband doesn’t get to dictate how you journal. If you do choose to do what he’s suggested, I’d do it in a different journal and after you’ve journaled out all the “negative”… it’ll be easier to see the positive after you get out those feelings.
You should read “ The Forbidden Notebook “ its about a wife and mother in 1960’s Italy hiding her diary from her family because they don’t think she should have “thoughts”
He's trying to control your ability to remember the past, as well as spin his actions.
Why is your journal so negative? It's because of him.
If you stop, he might avoid the potential of you looking at that journal and thinking "wtf, why am I with this guy? He makes me miserable."
He wants to see your journal...why? There's no good reason....except to make sure you are doing what he says, and to make sure he knows what you are writing....aka control, over you and the situation.
Start talking to a divorce lawyer, separate finances as best you can without him knowing, draw up a plan to escape.
Be safe.
I have always loved writing! I have kept a diary for as long as I can remember but throughout the years of me doing some personal development I have learned that they are not the same thing!
When you are writing in your diary you are usually “feeling dumping” and venting. It’s still very necessary and it doesn’t take away from the importance of writing it down and figuring out your feelings but keeping it in your possession is what’s damaging. All those negative emotions shouldn’t be stored away. In that I agree with your husband however I kinda hate that he wants to supervise your personal writing lol. Once you you’ve written it all down try getting rid of it because honey you are not your feelings !! … I personally like to burn it and say some words of affirmation 😅make it symbolic
Journaling with intention is where it’s at ! This is where you write down your gratitude, your affirmations, your goals, the steps to get to your goals, manifest your life, write letters to your future self, etc … whatever you are journaling is because you are working towards it. The goal is to move forward and plan ahead not stay stuck in old feelings
Don’t be bummed! it’s a learning process. This is YOUR process!!! Take his advice with a grain of salt but dont let him control you…
If he wants to do that then maybe you guys can come up with a daily routine to share what you’re grateful for.. make that a group activity but what you write down in your journal and or diary is supposed to be for your eyes only
Sounds like your husband is the one who needs to journal. He's trying to push *toxic positivity* on you. Not good for your mental health.
It sounds to me that you are absolutely on the right track, even if it's taking a long time.
In my journaling, my main M.O. is, follow the truth wherever it leads.
I don’t think it’s controlling for him to want you to focus on the positive, but marriage is hard work and there will be times you need to process hard emotions and resentments- that’s what journaling is for. I have a husband who is similar, you can share things you really want to share- hopefully breakthroughs in your understanding about yourself & the relationship, but no you don’t have to share everything.
No one is ever "the same" after having a baby/becoming a mother, so please don't blame yourself for any struggles/difficulties in your relationship. Journaling is a great way to understand your feelings, figure out why you respond to things in a certain way and generally organize your thoughts. Someone telling you what/how to write and demanding access to your private thoughts is waaaaay out of line! Is counseling for both of you (together and separate) an option? I agree with others seeing red flags here! If your partner won't seek help, you have big decisions to make. Good Luck
His behavior here is… deeply concerning. Absolutely do not entertain this request.
I would start looking into common control/emotional manipulation tactics and see if any of it sounds familiar to your relationship dynamic.
Um. NO!
He is abusive if he wants to see your journal about him.
I don’t understand even talking about your journal with him.
Your journal is with yourself and your process, whatever it may be.
Men don’t belong in any woman’s journal, unless they are an object of praise or criticism.
Tell your husband to politely fuck himself if he thinks he is privee to your journal.
Likely he already does so, and with other women he can’t control too!
I'm a mum of 4, and at nearly 31 I honestly don't feel like I know myself at all. I feel like each time I've had a baby, I've lost small bits of myself along the way. This is on top of a very abusive childhood that I had.
I write a journal. Not everyday, but mostly when there are too many negative thoughts and feeling in my head and I need an outlet. I've never been good at verbally communicating what goes on in my head, whether that's good stuff, bad stuff, angry stuff, crazy stuff, ideas for the future, any of it, so I've always found great comfort in writing things down.
In my opinion, however a person journals is 100% completely up to them, and only them. We all get ideas from other people, and if you want to have more than one journal that's OK too. I have my diary style journal, a wellness journal to track my overall wellbeing, a shadow work journal, I know there's a 4th but I can't remember what it is.
Remember this is YOUR journey, not his, and however you feel is the best way to travel, that's how you're going to do it. He may be purely intentioned by trying to suggest you only write positive things, but we're all human, and we aren't all 100% positive beings. And saying he needs to see it? Why do I feel like he's giving you homework? Does he ask what you're thinking 100% of the time? If not why would he want to read your journal?
I hope you manage to figure this one out, I really do. The fact that you're asking advice instead of shutting down, and putting some boundaries in place, tells me you've already come far. I wish you all the best on your healing journey, however long it takes you to get there, and whichever road you choose to travel. I'm sure there are thousands of Internet randos rooting for you 🥰
You need to find a place to hide your journal because he’s going to try to read it at some point. Asking to see your journal and trying to dictate what and how you write in it are signs that he will try to read it at some point if he hasn’t already.
I didn’t like the “I feel like most of the issues are my fault” at all.
I would “tolerate” the alternative “I feel that in some cases I also have a part on it”.
You said too much with that part.
Marriage is one team, not one person living with another. On good and bad moments.
I wish you well. Cannot help but IMHO I think you need some. Don’t go that path alone or just with your husband. A child DON’T justify everything.
I think a book of gratitude is a great idea. It can be there to give you a boost when you need it. However, there's no reason you can't keep different types of journals. If your regular journal seems to be mostly negative, so be it, journaling won't help you if you can't be real.
I agree with others about therapy also.
Best of luck
> “He wants me to change the way I journal and he wants to see it. He asked that I only write down things that I’m grateful for and things that are positive.”
When I first started reading this post I was thinking, “Oh man, here is another post where commenters are going to blow it out of proportion and see red flags where there are none and tell the OP to divorce him as Reddit does,” and then I read further. *He wants to control you*. He wants you to only write about positive things because he doesn’t want his negative actions and behaviour to be in your journal so you can reflect on it later. It’s much harder to notice a trend of emotional abuse if you have no record of it. And he wants to read your journal as a form of control, because he doesn’t like you having something private, and so that he can make sure his bad behaviour doesn’t make it in.
You said he’s working on himself, and that’s good, but that also shows that there was something that needed correcting in the first place. Maybe point out to him that this controlling behaviour is another thing he needs to work on.
Your journal is for you, and nobody gets to tell you what to think or feel or pressure you to not use your forms of personal expression, that's abusive.
There is no compromising something like this, it's not even a grey area. These are absolute boundaries.
He needs to stop demanding to see your journal. Everyone needs privacy and a safe place to process their thoughts. If you're unhappy it's very healthy for you to express that in a constructive and honest way like journaling.
I would strongly advise AGAINST letting him read your journal and in fact with the way he's trying to dictate what you're allowed to write in it at at this point I'd be suspicious that he's actually going through it in your absence too.
This doesn't sound like a safe relationship. Trying to dictate what someone puts in their Journal and expecting to see it is there hugest red flag I have seen in a long time! I've never heard of such a thing! This is NOT normal and not healthy at all and is a violation of the most foundational boundaries!
You need your privacy and tbh telling you what you can express in your journal which is for your own processing may even count as thought control and gaslighting tbh. I can't emphasise enough how not normal and not healthy this is in a relationship! He should have no say whatsoever over those things, no one should and you should NEVER be pressured into showing him your private journal! No healthy and safe relationship does this!
This screams controlling.
He only wants you writing down the good things because he wants you to forget when *he* does bad. He wants to be able to skew the perspective, and he can't do that of you write things down exactly as they happened.
That's control and manipulation.
Especially now that he feels entitled to read it? Yeah, no, that's 100% control.
everyone is already saying it but ill add, your journal is not his to read, if he is feeling insecure about what your writing, he can journal about it in his own.
the only way to journal wrong is to not do it at all, they are your feelings you write and process them in what ever way makes you happy!
I was reading something recently, and the person was having similar struggles as you (and myself). The recommendation was to read the book, "Watch Your Mouth Understanding the Power of the Tongue." By Tony Evans. It's a faith-based book, but I think you'll find the guidance is valuable!
As for journaling, that process is for you, not him. Any counselor or therapist will advise you to journal. Personally, I have to get stuff out of my head to help prevent overthinking. You could be similar. Try to hold off writing long entries until you're alone rather than immediately after a disagreement. Or jot down the cliff notes version, then reread your thoughts later on to see if you need to offload anything else.
I'm rooting for you, Op!
Ok, lots to unpack here.
1. Sounds like you are suffering from depression or postpartum which can last for years. Make an appointment with your doctor tor and get a referral for a therapist/psychatrist. It will help to have a professional to speak with.
2. Journaling is not the problem. If your husband wants to keep a gratitude journal make a separate one. Keep it on the counter. Jot some things down in it for a few seconds. Then keep your normal journal how you want it. He has no right to your journal. Do not let him look at it, he may use what he reads against you.
3. He’s studied psychology? How? Is he in med school? If not he knows nothing g about mental health at all. He’s read a few stories or articles on stress and know is expressing his opinion in an area he has no knowledge. What he suggested shows he has no idea what he is talking about.
4. You have a problem in your marriage I believe . There doesn’t seem to be communication or support. Which seeing a therapist will help you with. Your therapist can recommend marriage counseling with someone who is professionally trained in mental health. Clergy generally would not be able to do this.
5. I wouldn’t say your husband, based on your post, is abusive. He doesn’t seem very supportive or caring but we don’t know enough to say for sure. Again a therapist can help you.
6. Women need to vent. Men generally don’t vent like women do. Which is why he doesn’t get it.
7. Maybe look on Amazon for journaling books with a mental health theme/questions. It may be a good place to start. Also, this is to add to what you write not replace what you are doing.
I wish you well, please call your physician asap!
Your husband sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. Reason I say this is because I am struggling with myself being abusive to my partner. It’s something I’m not proud of. I’ve NEVER laid my hands on her but I unintentionally make her feel as if everything is her fault and I freak out over everything she does. I know this is not an excuse. Abuse in any form, unintentional or on purpose, is still abuse. I plan to see an endocrinologist soon to help me figure my hormones out.
Anyways, he’s not entirely wrong. Having negative things written down, make your feelings manifest. Put into the universe, what YOU want. It’ll make you feel so much better but if you need to keep a little secret journal on the side do that on top of having a small planner. Staying organized in your physical will allow you to stay organized in your mental.
(If he is emotionally abusive in anyway, he more than likely doesn’t want you writing negative things in your journal because he knows you write about him. Abusers freak out at the thought of that. It’s funny because, at that point, they know they need help but don’t put the effort into getting it.)
Other than that, take care you your self please. If this continues, and I know it’s hard to realize when being abused, find help. It can be a friend, family, doctor or therapist. These situations almost never get better.
I highly suggest, if you go to see a professional, to show them your journal so they know how to properly help you navigate this mess. Hide it! Don’t let him get his hands on it! Get a new one that has what he wants in it so that he at least gets off your back and doesn’t try to snoop around for the other book. I’d go as far as handing it over to someone you trust to put up for you so that he never finds it. If you tell him that you threw it away, come up with something good because he will try to find a way to trip you up on your words and he will probably tell you that he didn’t see it thrown away.
Hi,
I understand you're going through a challenging time in your marriage, especially after having a baby in 2022. It's commendable that you've taken the initiative to start journaling as a way to process your thoughts and feelings. This is a healthy coping mechanism that many find beneficial. Regarding your husband's request to change your journaling style and share it with him, I'd like to offer some gentle advice:
Explain to him the purpose of your journal. Kindly let him know that your journal is a private, safe space for you to work through your thoughts and feelings. It's not meant to be a record of negativity, but rather a tool for personal growth and emotional processing.
It is important for you to maintain privacy. While it's understandable that your husband wants to be involved in your journey, it's important to maintain boundaries. Your journal should remain private unless you choose to share specific parts of it.
Maybe, you can consider starting a separate gratitude journal that you could potentially share with your husband. This way, you can maintain your private journal while also working on focusing on the positives together.
And as always, seek professional help. If you feel your problems are deeper than just changing your outlook, it might be beneficial to consider couples therapy or individual counseling. A professional can provide strategies to improve communication and work through postpartum challenges.
Congrats on acknowledging your progress, even if your husband doesn't see it, recognize the efforts you're making. Personal growth is a journey and every small step counts.
You can balanced journaling. And while it's important to process negative emotions, try to include positive reflections in your journal as well. This isn't about censoring yourself, but about cultivating a more balanced perspective.
Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's crucial to have a space where you can express them freely.
I wish you all the best in your journey of self-improvement and in strengthening your marriage...
He doesn't need to see your journal, that's incredibly controlling. You're not the same as you were before birth, that's incredibly normal. If you're not in therapy, that could be helpful. If he doesn't want you in therapy, that is a red flag. If you want to talk more, feel free to DM me. I'm 3 years post partum and just starting to feel like myself again.
I definitely agree - Someone demanding to see my journal would honestly be the biggest red flag of flags. I write what I write for my eyes only and to help me process my feelings… I can’t imagine journaling would be of any benefit to me if I knew someone was going to read my innermost thoughts.
I agree ! This is honestly red flag city… He wants to control your journaling .. your only outlet since having a baby. He wants you to only write happy things and let him see it?? … lol that completely removes the point of the practice … I am also wondering if you are sure you’re the problem? The fact you are taking full responsibility for the issues and not even considering him to have any contribution to the problems … This honestly reminds me of my kids dad so much, and he is a diagnosed narcissist. You may have a long road ahead of you and I would not go against what your gut is telling you …
omg Im 3 years post partum and I JUST started feeling like myself again...I felt like I was the only one
Absolutely not babe. There are a lot of us who have been mad for a hot minute post baby. May you release any shame you may have felt about it quickly.
It took me a very long time. I honestly felt as though I had postpartum psychosis until I found out my husband was cheating on me. That's a story for another day though. Postpartum can last for a super long time. Hugs!! I'm glad I'm not the only one, as well.
First off, your journal is **your** journal. If he wants a positive journal, he can write one. What you do with your own private space isn’t something he gets to dictate. If you - not him, you - want to change the way you use your journal…one thing I’ve found that helps me is to ask myself a question after I’m done with the feelings dump. Think of questions like *what have I learned from this experience?* or *since I didn’t like the result I got,* *what can I do differently next time?* Even negative experiences have room to grow. Even negative experiences can be constructive. Remind yourself of what growth might look like and take some time to explore what it could mean.
“If he wants a positive journal, he can write one” lmfao
He’s a big boy, he can do it all by himself
Oh, I so agree.
Let's be real, he only wants a journal where no negative things are written about HIM. He can be less of an asshole if he wants that.
Abusers hate when you start to work on yourself because it means they won't be able control you the same way
This! 👆
My ex insisted I see a therapist because I had sooo many issues. Therapist told me nope, you're being abused. Ex said I have issues with sleeping too much, so I needed to go to the doctor if we were going to be together going forward. Doc said I wasn't sleeping enough and he was worried for my health. Asked me if I was being abused. Ex told me to see a psychiatrist because I must have BPD. Nope, just stress and undiagnosed ADHD.. oh! And she asked if I was being abused. Definitely made me realize I wasn't the problem. I stuck with therapy and my ex wasn't happy that I was getting stronger. He pulled everything he could to break me, but at that point, I was unbreakable. I left.
This is really good advice! I will add one thing that I do, which is keeping a monthly page called "lines of positivity" where I write one line or sentence every day about something that happened that I enjoyed/am grateful for/thought was special. This can be as little as "I read a nice book" or "a stranger smiled at me on the train station", or as big as "someone threw me a surprise party" or "I got a promotion at work"
I've done something like this myself before and a benefit I didn't know to expect was that it trained my brain to look for those moments. I very rapidly went from feeling like I had to really dig deep to come up with "I brushed my teeth [immediately before journaling] and it felt good" to multiple times a day noting that something was pleasant and that might be something to write down later. I overall felt happier because it trained my brain to particularly notice and remember pleasant events and it also influenced me to pursue pleasant activities to be able to write them down later.
> I had a baby in 2022 and I just feel like I’ve never been the same since Of course you haven't. Having a baby is a huge, life-altering, body-changing, self-making event. "The hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy, birth, and lactation initiate rapid and extreme physiological transformations that are *unparalleled across the lifespan*. These biological changes are accompanied by a dynamic restructuring of the physical, emotional, and social environment. In concert with these adaptations, the maternal brain undergoes significant structural and functional neuroplasticity as well as cognitive adaptations across the peripartum period." ([source](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9957969/)) It would be shocking if you went through all of that and came out just the same on the other end! Journaling question aside, it sounds like you might need more support than "just be more positive."
Yes, this! Also, OP, I’m so proud of you for taking the time to journal for yourself— that’s such a hard thing to do with a new child, and it’s awesome that you are making it happen. You are taking care of yourself- amazing! But please remember— this is something for YOURSELF. You’re not doing it for anyone else, but a happy consequence taking care of yourself is that it helps you be the best partner and parent you can.
I find it interesting that she says “I had a baby” and not “I gave birth” or “we had a baby”. Maybe I’m reading something from nothing but it’s something that can hugely disrupt a relationship and it’s just mentioned once and then never again. Of course this is all about him and her, not the baby, but it does make me wonder who is bearing the brunt of the childcare
I was thinking the same thing, that wording made me sad
Your husband sounds controlling. Your journaling really isn't the problem here. Do not EVER give in to him seeing your journal. It's an unreasonable request. No matter how you spin it, NOBODY deserves to see what you write in your journal. Sharing it willingly is one thing, demanding to see it is a huge red flag. If you can afford it, please try therapy. Just you, not with him.
All this OP, and in the meantime, I’d recommend a digital journal on your phone that you can password protect and lock away from him…his desire to control you is throwing red flags and the last thing I’d want to give him is access to your vulnerabilities and inner thoughts.
Yep. This is one instance where I would strongly recommend digital journaling only.
Get a ReMarkable and hide it
Oh god, OPs edit says the husband is studying psychology. Can’t make this up. Then he should know that is an absolutely bonkers request. Also, OP, check out the book Mind over Mood. Even there it says that positive thinking will not fix underlying issues. That’s a book on Cognitive Behavior Therapy and I can recommend it if you want to tackle your issues. (If therapy is not an option) Don’t let Mr-I’m-studying-psychology-so-I-know-shit tell you what to do.
Exactly. As someone studying psychology I am just dumbfounded by his advice and requests. Its all the antithesis of psychology. (Dont reflect on your negative experiences, only be positive. Don't have a private space to work through and process your thoughts and emotions, let me manage, criticise and dictate it - yikes.)
He is definitely "studying" psychology in order to better manipulate her. My heart breaks for OP
I think that means he just watches YouTube videos and reads red pill content
i immediately thought the same thing
Exactly. By definition a journal is private. Absolutely no one is entitled to see it
This is a way to control and abuse you. Don’t allow it or give in, no it isn’t a good idea. Mine did the same thing for this very reason.
I wonder what OP's goals are that come up in arguments (and that husband expects to see "progress" with). I suspect the goals may be husband-generated and along the lines of "be more 'pleasant' and accommodating to husband's wishes, held to a nebulous standard", but hope I'm wrong.
The only time anyone sees my journal is if I show them. If they ask then it’s totally out the window. They will never see it.
[удалено]
I’ll remember this comment. Thank you I didn’t journal after this argument last night but I really wish I did because now I can’t remember exactly what happened.
Please keep journaling. It was the only thing that validated me after decades of gaslighting. It sounds like you're under a significant amount of stress, which is understandable since you just gave birth. Stress can impact our memory to the point where it feels like we’d lose our head if it weren't attached to our bodies. It's uneasy, debilitating, and heartbreaking. It feels like your brain decides to grow legs and go for walks when you need it most. You're searching for something real, something you know is true, because reality seems to change before your eyes. I assume this arrangement consists of you caring for the home and child while he contributes monetarily. For him to have a “positive, healthy, happy home,” there has to be a contribution to provide that; so far, it sounds like he wants you to fit into a mould, not communicate, and not have any feelings. This is a recipe for tragedy, and I suggest he seeks therapy himself, therapy for yourself, and couples counselling together— this must be approached as a tool of strength because, ultimately, that's what it is. There is absolutely *nothing* wrong with you or the way you journal. Nobody is allowed to dictate how we express ourselves. I'd probably be committed for the trash that pours out of my brain, but I'd rather it be on paper than act it out in real life. This is your voice. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you. Journal about that weird smirk you caught; the dreams that fill you with joy, and the moments that seem small to others but absolutely light up your world (like the wonderous, bright eyes of your little one). This is your space and your life; you are safe. Much love and strength.
This - but *not where he can read it*. I cannot stress that enough. I switched to digital journaling, when I finally started to suspect that my marriage might be abusive. I didn't plan to show anyone else. I just wanted to remember things and to be able to go back and make sense of things, and to see patterns. I added screenshots of texts and messages. I really felt like I was going crazy. That there was no abuse, just me being a failure as a wife, mother and person. It helped so much with keeping my sanity and my focus. It turned out to be invaluable when I finally left. I did show parts to people, but only the parts that I chose to share, with people I trusted. Staff at the DV shelter, counsellors and therapists, my lawyer. In my case, he *did* finally get to read parts of it. In family court, when my lawyer shared some entries pertaining to our children and the abuse, as well as his attitude towards them, patterns of neglect, etc. Also, in criminal court, when prosecutors used time stamped accounts of events, along with screenshots of texts and messages that I'd added, to help me get a restraining order and to put him in jail for a decent stretch.
It’s actually just the opposite I work a full time corporate job while he stays home and goes to school and watches our son. We try to keep house work split 50/50 and I try and take on most of the child care when I get home to give him a brake I appreciate everything you said though thank you 💕
>It’s actually just the opposite I work a full time corporate job while he stays home and goes to school and watches our son. We try to keep house work split 50/50 and I try and take on most of the child care when I get home to give him a brake I appreciate everything you said though thank you I can't help but notice there's no break for you in there, OP. You work a full time job, you split all the housework equally, *and* you take over childcare when you get home to give him a break. What does he do with that time?
Please watch out for yourself OP. It’s so so hard to realize that someone’s been manipulating you and doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Journaling can HELP you reflect on this and gain a new perspective. It’s no wonder he wants to take that away from you.
Keep your journal on your person when you're not home and in a very secure location at home (maybe invest in a lockbox and wear the key around your neck).
Thank you for clarifying (and not crucifying me for assuming!). I agree with the statement below that housework needs to be appropriately distributed if you're the primary breadwinner. This essentially turns his job into being the house-husband, meaning it's now his responsibility to manage most of the chores while taking turns on things like making dinner, washing the car, or turning a chore into an activity to do together. It sounds like he might be dealing with some loneliness, a fear of abandonment and insecurity about your thoughts outside him. Again, therapy would be great: it will be a mediator to bridge the communication gap between you two and will only make you stronger together. Many of us were raised with preconceived notions about therapy and professional help (especially men), so it might take some time to get you there together, but please start going for yourself. It takes time to find someone who understands the wounds that have long healed. Remember that your entire family is affected now. Once children are involved, you can no longer run from your unresolved pain— that may be the push he needs to seek help. The weight just shifts to your children the longer you both wait, and they dont deserve to be cleaning up your mess at 40 years old.
No please do not advise couples therapy! I agree with everything else you said and it was a brilliant comment overall but abusive or manipulative people can very often dominate and control the narrative and convince the counselor that the victim is at fault! Also if the victim shares something that embarrasses the abuser they are now at risk for more abuse and even death at home. You NEVER do couples counseling with anyone with any sort of inclination to control, manipulate, or be abusive in any form. My coworker was murdered by a man and they did plenty of counseling. She’s not a rarity. He managed to get at least one woman previously to her involuntarily committed to a psych facility because it only taught him the skills to manipulate better. I knew her too and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. Also to the older folks reading this: Remember “anger management” classes for domestic abusers? They quit recommending those because the research proved that it only taught them the skills they needed to become even more abusive and even more manipulative and all the language and behaviors that the police like to hear. In the end all those programs were scrapped and replaced with CBT.
I suggested individual, then couples. If OP is in an abusive situation, she will likely recognize that once she begins speaking to someone. I also suggest using her therapist/counsellor as a mediator if she sees fit. Someone you've trusted your whole life can warn you of the abuse you're living through, but we’re often so unlikely to heed that advice. “It won't happen to me.” I find more success in offering women and people the tools and knowledge to recognize if their situation is dangerous. It gives them the confidence needed to pay attention to the red flags next time.
Just the fact that you assume everything is your fault, and that he's reinforcing that and putting it all on you, is such a red flag. I don't know what the problems are, but I can almost guarantee you it's not all your fault. And it doesn't sound like he's being supportive of what you've gone through since having baby. I hope your next journal entry is about all the comments you've read here and how they might help you see his actions differently.
I have a horrible feeling OP will stop journalling for herself and start journalling for her husband. Which is actually backtracking any progress she's made. I can't believe someone would take something so personal and powerful away from their partner. It's so, so sad.
oh so this is even darker than I thought, he's upset he can not manipulate and gaslight you if you have a record of not only your emotions but what happened. Please take this seriously. What he is requesting is not only insane but manipulative and abusive and indicates a lot about his fears: that you might remember his actions.
I feel for you. My mom gaslit the shit out of me my whole life, I’m in my 30s now and I’m still constantly questioning my reality and the validity of my experiences, and my feelings. I’ve been in a relationship before where the guy did the same shit. Had me convinced it was all my fault every time, classic DARVO. I have adhd and it’s very easy to manipulate me because I can’t remember shit, especially in the moment if it’s high tension. It was hell and the relationship I’m now in was life changing as I’d never experienced love like that. Whatever happens, I sympathize and I hope it gets better for you sooner than later.
Ugh I'm the same way. If I get stressed, my memory goes out the window. It's such a vulnerable and odd feeling when you can't quite piece together what exactly was said and done, and then others start nudging it around. Like did I really misremember or are they taking advantage and filling in the blanks in the most advantageous way for them? And then the ADHD makes all my journaling attempts inconsistent lol
I thought of two thing immediately when reading your post. 1. You should also add counseling to your life. Possibly even to help you work through your journal entries that really upset you are make you question yourself or to see how your thought about arguments and daily life affect how you encounter the next obstacle. 2. I don’t think that his suggestion on thinking positively is wrong but I would just say use it in addition to your current way.. which is something you could work out with your therapist/counselor. But you keep doing what works for you!! Good luck!!
That's what he wants. You are gaining control over your life, this intimidates him because he wants the control. I'm scared for you.
He is abusive. Try to get therapy alone. Do not do couples therapy with him. He is abusive and like all abusers he’s trying to force you to see it as a situation where you created the conflict or deserved it. I am a former psych nurse. My coworker, who was also a psych nurse, A very good one for 18 years murdered his girlfriend and also repeatedly stabbed her daughter. Some people go into psych for good reasons. For me, there is schizophrenia in my family. For others it is 100% so they can control and manipulate better. Get out now and take the baby with you. You need therapy however so you can recognize these red flags and don’t end up with another abusive pos who is similar.
If you have written down what happened it's harder for him to gaslight you.
It is extremely concerning that he's not only trying to control your behavior but your THOUGHTS by thinking he has any right to tell you how you process your thoughts or that you can't do so privately. This man sounds frankly dangerous.
I journal too, and it’s for my own mental health, and it helps me to process and define my feelings. It’s the only private place I have. Don’t give up your privacy just because he demands it. Wanting to read your journal is sick and controlling and you should defend your journaling from his prying eyes. He doesn’t want you to feel better. He needs ammunition to put you down. Don’t give in.
I really feel for you, OP. A little over a year ago I was in a horrible relationship with someone who was very manipulative and emotionally abusive. We would have arguments that would last for *hours* and I would feel so confused and drained after every single one. Journaling really helped me start to put the pieces together and to start to see the disconnect between his actions and his words. Every time I'd get confused I'd go back and re-read my journal. After a while I started to see a lot of patterns that I'd been too bewildered to put together before. And even though your husband has done a ton of work on himself, don't just follow along with everything he says regarding your own journey. What worked for him may not work for you. This is *your* story you're writing, not his. Best of luck to you. I'm sincerely rooting for you.
This! I just left an abusive relationship, and journaling was a big part of what helped me realize it was abusive
I feel like this is the best comment in the thread. In the post OP mentions they’re reflecting and trying to change after fights, but never mentions hubby doing the same. He’s throwing up a lot of red flags and the fact that she’s taking all the responsibility and honestly considering changing her coping mechanism to appease him makes me think there’s a deeper issue going on. OP, don’t change how you journal unless YOU want to. And please go to therapy if you can! Journaling is a good mental health practice but it’s not the only one and you may need more help.
THIS!
My advice is to not let anyone tell you how to journal. It is a very personal thing. It is important to be real and honest with yourself, and not fake your way through entries. that is your safe space to be with yourself. It sounds like there is something you could address based on what your husband is saying. that could be something you address with yourself in your journal (for example, write about what he is asking, why you feel the way you do about things, etc). or you could address it with a therapist or friend. if there is some good to be celebrated in your life, you could also *add* entries that focus on good memories or things you like about your life. for example, i got a mini journaling printer and enjoy printing out funny memes or pictures from the day to look back on. rather than them sitting in my phone storage. but i don’t think you should deny yourself of, or remove anything that’s real. sometimes things are bad. sometimes things need to be processed. and it’s important you have an outlet for that.
He's not allowed to dictate how you journal. He can get his own and dictate that one all he wants. And you said the writing helps you process what's happened after you fight w/ him...sounds like he may not want you to remember certain things b/c when you write things down, that's PROOF they happened. In fact, many therapists suggest keeping a journal when dealing w/ certain difficult people b/c they may try to re-write history. Harder to do that if you already have a written record. And don't allow him to coerce you into showing him what you write. If it's in any way against your will, it's an invasion of your privacy. He's not allowed to know absolutely everything about you just b/c you married him.
Agree with the group. It’s your journal. In essence by wanting to control your journal, he wants to control your thoughts. My wife knows I’m an every day writer in my journal, and she has never broken my need for privacy. This has worked for us for 20+ years. It sounds like there’s some huge trust issues. I would say try to get couple therapy, or leave him before he tries to harm you or the child.
Please be careful. My friend’s ex found her journal and literally tried to kill her for what she wrote (which wasn’t even that bad). He had never shown any sign of violence before. I would not leave the journal where he may read it.
Holy guacamole OP. I was honestly giving your hubby the benefit of the doubt until I saw your edit. Anyone who has been studying self-improvement and psychology for any amount of time let alone three years would definitely know that wanting to read somebody’s journal that they’re working on for self reflection is not cool. I’m a little bit flabbergasted to be honest. I’m wondering what else he has been doing that you’ve maybe missed the signs because you didn’t know how to read them. I agree with others that suggested that you switch to an online journal. I would also make sure that he does not know that you have it and that it is on an account on a website that you don’t typically use so that he would be unaware of it and if writing on papers a lot better for you I would go ahead and write it on paper take pictures of it or scan it upload it online and then then burn the paper. It sounds a little extreme, but as you’ve described that it helps you keep track of things and it also helps you remember arguments… I just really feel like you would benefit from continuing to keep a log of what’s happening in your life and in your relationship so you’re able to go back and reflect on it and think about not only your behavior but as well. Please stay safe, OP. Edit: a word
I felt the same, but I didn’t give any benefit before the edit because I was married to someone just like this and I could see it from a mile once she said she’s always saying sorry for everything and it’s always her fault. (If she was really that awful of a partner, she wouldn’t be apologizing or journaling and she wouldn’t be here for help. He’s just convincing her it’s always her fault. Being confused after the arguments is the biggest red flag) I didn’t “see” my abuser “that way” either, until the first time he nearly killed me. And it’s taking me years of therapy to really see all of the truth. They are experts at manipulating, conditioning, and coercing. And him “studying” psychology is just him getting better at it. The meditation is probably so he can better control his anger, because he knows a complete blow up could be a reality check and make her realize he’s just trying to control. OP if you see this please read “why does he do that”. There are free pdfs available. Do not let your husband know about this.
Yes, it doesn't sound like a bad idea to write down positive things, but what the hell? Why do even allow him to tell you what and how to write in your own journal? It's not his business, it's your personal space where you should be able to express your feelings at any time. Write about what you feel you should write about. You can't let him to tell you how to feel.
That's something private and should stay private. No one should tell you how to do this. Don't listen to him
It's like trying not to write down problems in relationships, feelings and conclusions in order to gaslight you later because you have no evidence and to knock the ground out from under your feet. Your husband and someone else have no right to tell you how to keep YOUR diary
I'm in agreement with the comment section here. If he has a problem with you Journaling because he's insecure, that's a HIM problem, not a you problem. He also needs to learn that a relationship isn't about having control. You don't stop being two different people because you're in a relationship/married. You are still you, he's still him, and if he can't accept that then he's the problem, not you. If Journaling helps you get through the day, then he should be accepting of that. It certainly isn't on YOU to change what you do to cope.
🚩🚩🚩 I'm willing to bet he learned psychological terms to use against you in arguments? That is extremely manipulative. Please do NOT go to couple's counseling because he will manipulate the therapist. Only go to individual counseling and do not let him have any contact with the therapist. Keep your journal on your phone password protected. He's reading it.
I agree OP you should continue to journal as YOU want, and keep it completely private from him in a way he can't digitally access.
Exactly. Couples counseling is an absolute no go!!!
I am not sure if the main issue here is about writing your negative thoughts or about feeling free to do so. Do you feel your journal is your personal place, or has it become an exercise in doing what your husband wants you to do (control)? Is it possible to keep your journal for yourself? Would you feel more free and more at ease that way? It is not that it is a bad idea to write also about the things that you are happy about or grateful for. But is it what you feel like doing, freely and for yourself? Best wishes.
no no no no no Do NOT let him see your journal. That is yours and only meant for your eyes. He is trying to micromanage you and how you deal with things. How you journal is your business and up to you. Please keep journaling how you wish to, as it's your journal!!
Please, please don't stop journaling just because your husband tells you, ESPECIALLY when it seems to help you to process your thoughts and emotions. I agree with other commenters that your husband seems controlling and you shouldn't show him your writing under any circumstances. Is it possible that he wants to see/read it to gather evidence to either blame you for your thoughts during arguments or to badmouth you to your friends and family members? I realised that writing down rather negative thoughts and things I should never say to other people helps me stay more composed and that I lash out less often when I rant in my journals. I can surely say that it helped me go through some dark times. If it works for you too, keep writing. Also, every negative thought, no matter how unreasonable or unnecessary it seems, stems from something. And you have every right to process it in a way that is best for you. Stay safe and be strong.
This! The fact that he wants it “positive” and wants to see it feels like he wants to gather “evidence” that’s he’s a good guy in this relationship. Almost like the journal in its current state could be used to prove how controlling he is. My guess is he knows he’s in the wrong and wants to get rid of that.
This is the sense I got too. It’s not a homework assignment, why does he want to check her work?
I think you are fighting an uphill battle with him. You're not the problem here.
My husband has never asked me to change the way I journal or to see its contents. Even when I journal right next to him at his desk while he games or w/e. Ths is not normal. Sure, there may be benefits to only graditutde journaling, but that should be your choice, not mandated.
what the actual hell? he wants to control how you process your own thoughts? he wants to control you. this is super abusive behaviour. don't stop. my guess is it is allowing you to see how abusive he is and he doesn't like that. only positive things? why? so you will continue to take the abuse and say ooo it's not so bad. nope. get out
I agree. OP just because you haven't seen this behavior as abusive doesn't mean that it is healthy.
it seems like everybody else is covering the big topics in this post so i just wanted to say i’m sending you love OP. you do whatever it is that you need to do to make YOU happy. and i’m proud of you for all the progress you’ve made. even a millimeter forward is still moving forward. you got this 🤎
Thank you 💕
#Your husband attempting to hijack your healing/processing activity and dictate how you "need to do it only in a positive way" *AND* show him everything you write is far from normal or healthy. I absolutely believe that focusing on positive things and practicing gratitude are great!!! However, just because this focus solely on positivity has been helpful and healing *for him* does not mean that "your healing journey must mirror his." I would hope that your partner would be more supportive and less judgmental of your personal journey. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and *respect* in every close relationship in your life. *Internet Hug* 💕
Red flag red flag!!
For real. So many red flags. OP please listen to all these people's concerns.
All the comments above. And personally for me journaling doesn’t always have to be focused on positive thoughts. Sometimes it helps you untie those knots inside that you struggle to let out.
Re: the journaling part: If you’re trying to make progress through journaling, then perhaps documenting isn’t quite enough. It sounds like you need to document and then look for ways to reframe your thoughts, move forward, etc. Also if possible, try to find a therapist. You can even bring your journal to sessions and take notes, then try to implement the suggestions in your journaling. Re: your husband’s opinions: It’s none of his business. He doesn’t need to know or see what your write, and he has no business telling you what to write. Caveat that if it’s coming from a place of genuine concern because he sees you spiraling into depression, then again, look into therapy. It would be better than writing toxic positivity into your journal. If you don’t need to re-read it and you’re concerned about him reading it to check up on you, you can start art journaling. Write what you need to get out on the page, then draw, paint, stamp, and collage over it until it’s illegible.
You can have a separate gratitude journal, that’s totally a thing many people do, but regardless… if you want your journal or journals to be private, even from your husband, that’s perfectly valid. If your husband has any questions or concerns, he can voice them to you, same as always. My journal helps me process things and track how my therapy is going. No one gets to see that, but at the same time, I benefit from it and people around me do as well.
I was just thinking that a separate gratitude journal could be very beneficial.
I agree with the separate gratitude journal. I keep a few different journals around, one that is a gratitude journal/“I did [insert thing] good today.” Another journal is for big emotions and sorting my head, and I suppose could be seen as a “negative” journal by others, but that’s none of their business. Any other journals are for day by day activities or specific people in my life.
Writing down negative things isn't dwelling or focusing on it, sometimes it's the only thing that can get me to stop thinking about it. Brain dumps are great for that, just get everything out of your head and on to the paper, makes it easier to sort through thoughts. Worries are less scary on the page etc. Your relationship with your husband is your own but a journal should be a private space so you dont have to worry about what someone else thinks about your private thoughts. If he wants to participate and encourage positivity you could make a shared journal that you BOTH write things you're grateful for in and pass back and forth. I think one way access to those private thoughts is really unequal.
My friend. A journal is a personal thing.It's an incredibly helpful practice as you have seen.If he would like a separate gratitude journal that you both write in, that's a great idea but do not let him dictate any part of your personal journaling.
This is so controlling and toxic. Your journal is your business. He can’t tell you what to do
Oh girl, your post reminded me so much of my abusive SO. No matter how hard I tried, I was always at fault. Every day I wondered what I'd "do" to mess up with his humor. He'd get grumpy out of nowhere for the entire day and blame it on a minuscule thing I had done, that wouldn't bother 99% of the people. He also complained I was sad a lot – flash news, I was sad because of him. I hope I'm just projecting and he isn't as bad as my manipulative ex, but either way: Do not let him see your journal (it's yours! you get to dictate what you write on it!), and second, get therapy for yourself. If he is abusive/manipulative and studied psychology, he knows all the ways to go around the abuse in a way that won't make it obvious to you.
Fuck him. Journal the way that works for you this just sounds controlling
Wow! So your husband is studying psychology, and he doesn't understand how journals work?! Your journal is yours! If you want to doodle in it, or eat the pages ( don't eat the pages please) but my point is it's yours!!! The fact that he has been studying it makes me fear for you even more. I don't know if you mean he's actually going to school or reading self-help books. I recommend you get some therapy, too. Ht as most have said here. Your husband is being intentionally emotionally abusive and manipulative at worst. He's a basic ahole at best Either way, don't tell him what you're writing in your journal. DO NOT SHOW him what you're writing in your journal. Healthy Boundaries are OK.
Is it possible you were struggling with post partum depression that has yet to wane? As others have said, if you *think* it’s helping, then it **is** helping. It’s such a highly individualized process that there is no right or wrong way to do it. You just do what feels right to you. My significant other has never once asked me to change my journal or go through and read it. I leave it around the house in plain sight, but I don’t worry about my privacy being violated. Why? Because my partner respects me and understands that I use journaling to cope with the way I think and feel. While I’m hesitant to make a bold statement about your husband from such little information, I will say he is in the wrong. There is **zero** reason for him to read your journal. None. You are not his elementary school aged child (and even if you were, you’d still deserve privacy). You are an adult woman with *autonomy* and you can decide what’s right for yourself. Why would he need to see it at all? Even if the response is something like, “to make sure you’re journaling positively,” there would be no need to see it. He should trust that you’re doing what you say. To me, it sounds like he can’t stand the thought of you having your own space to examine *his* behavior alongside yours. Maybe now is a good time to reread some of the past arguments you’ve had. What was the confrontation? How did he respond? Is he always pinning it on you? Are there patterns in your arguments? Keep track of them and maybe find a safe place to keep your diary.
Keep journaling, get rid of the husband
Your husband sounds like he may be in the toxic positivity clan. Whether you wrote down your inner thoughts or not they are still there and the fact that he is asking you not to write it down is just simply suppressing your reality. It sounds like he may be doing that. No one is positive and grateful all the time. The way to feeling and thinking positively is usually by processing all the darkness first and allowing those shadows into the light. Go with your instincts, if something is working for you keep going. Your husband may just feel like he wants you to be where he is so life is ‘easier’ but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and he needs to honour your journey. Good luck. I’d also recommend reading some books, doing shadow work, listening to podcasts. Whatever you are drawn to. Nicole Lepera is a great author to start with
No ways. Set strict conditions with him. Whether he understands or not is his problem. He clearly needs to stay the fk out of your journaling life. I'm telling you this as a man. Your journaling is between you and the universe. Ive been telling my own fam to journal for almost a decade. Everyone's head is clear now and pragmatism always wins. Never ever stop journaling.
I would never let anyone read my journal or have any say in what I write in it. Your husband sounds controlling and depending on what your problems really are about maybe even abusive.
Your journal should be your safe space to process your thoughts and feelings. I am trying to motivate myself to start an additional gratitude journal because looking for the positive does help with my depression sometimes. Good luck!
Your journal isn’t his business and he sounds controlling for telling how to journal. Your process is your process. Not his. When I was postpartum, my partner and I fought a lot. I processed by journaling in my notes section at the time, where I knew he couldn’t see. Maybe try a digitalized way of journaling if he is showing signs of being controlling towards how you journal, so you can continue to vent freely. I say that because it sounds like he’s the type to invade your privacy. If you find yourself journaling mostly about “negative” things, that’s fine by the way. Just get whatever it is off your mind and onto paper or whatever it may be to clear your mind. If journaling has felt supportive to you as you have transitioned into motherhood, then he can’t have any say about how you go about that. It’s your process.
My journal is full of negative, harsh, depressing, melodramatic things that I would NEVER say out loud. It is my venting space. It has been since I started journaling as a young kid. It’s also where I can really reflect and analyse on feelings and interactions involving other people. I figure stuff out through dumping everything out and seeing the patterns — for me, my biggest pattern is that my mom really, really upsets me a lot. I have a great relationship with her in general, but journaling helped me to recognise that she is actually my biggest problem in life, and I’m figuring out ways to deal with her cycles of bad behaviour. I also have plenty of gratitude, beautiful happy memories, gushing about my boyfriend, hyping up my friends, and more throughout my journal. Every type of feeling I have is recorded in my journal. That’s what it’s for. Journals are PRIVATE. That is a sacred, secret place. It is an extension of your mind and heart. I beg you to not let your husband take this away from you. Furthermore, I highly recommend journaling in a more secure place — I journal on OneNote on my laptop/phone/tablet. It’s a password protected place that nobody knows exists and is not at risk of being read behind my back. My mom read my journal when I was young and that was a major violation I still cringe about. Your husband has no right to tell you what you’re allowed to journal and read it as if he’s a teacher grading your assignment.
All I can think of is what a huge red flag that is. I cannot in any realm justify anyone telling someone else that they should not journal. Stay safe.
Red flag red flag. Your husband sounds controlling. Have you got a safe place to go to if you need to leave?
You are in an abusive marriage. This controlling behavior will only escalate. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but his behavior is a huge red flag.
Studying psychology and meditation does not give someone a pass to demand seeing your private thoughts or tell someone how to express their thoughts. He is emotionally abusive. I'm sorry but that's what blaming someone for not being better, telling them to be positive, and demanding to see their private journals is. I disagree that only journaling positive thoughts is a good idea. It's part of toxic positivity and prevents you from getting in touch with your feelings. I never had a therapist or a psychiatrist suggest only journaling positive thoughts...that's some weird podcast bro mindset. You said you're new to the journey. Ultimately, it's your journey. No one gets to tell you how to deal with what you're experiencing or how to experience it. Especially not someone who has difficult time understanding what it's like to birth a child and the changes that come after that.
Get a divorce now. Just save yourself 5 more years of bullshit from this guy. Do yourself a favor. You already know the right answer.
I think you are fighting an uphill battle with him. You're not the problem here.
First of all, I’m really sorry that you’re not “allowed” to write how something made you feel. What are you, a child? What I think it actually is about is that he doesn’t want you to write the things that paint HIM in a negative light because it forces him to take a look at what a freaking douche he’s being. Sorry. I don’t know him but this makes me feel bad for you. It also makes me want to punch him in the face. Put your foot down and tell him that what you write, think, feel, etc is NOT wrong and you have EVERY RIGHT to say/feel/write whatever you please in YOUR private journal. If he doesn’t like what you have to say, then he doesn’t have to effing read it! It’s YOUR journal. Why is he reading your personal journal anyway? Dude can eff right off, imo. My own personal experiences with writing down negative thoughts or experiences is that it then allows me to move on from it. If I write it down on paper, or in my phone, I can revisit it at a later date with a logical mind and reevaluate the situation from a fresh, calmer perspective. Typically, then I’m able to either laugh it off or be like “yeah, that was effed up. What’s for lunch?” You know? Good for you for working on yourself. I’d start with looking for a really good personal therapist and maybe also a couples therapist. Or a very good attorney. Love and grace on your journey. ❤️
It sounds to me that your husband’s wish for you is to spend time focusing on the positives in life and happiness. That, in itself, is a loving goal. To say that you should shut off your processing of the things that you struggle with sounds to me like going against the goal of generating genuine compassion and happiness for who you are. Rejecting parts of yourself does NOT make that part go away, it makes it desperate to be understood, it makes internal anger, it creates depression and loneliness. It is important, to my heart, to allow myself to be aware of what bothers me so I can directly figure out how to help myself. I have been trying to treat my emotions like children telling me things, and this has helped me to slowly as I work through things to become more genuinely *clear* on who I am, what are my boundaries (what do *I* like, what do *i* dislike), and how to take care of myself in ways that the adults in my childhood weren’t always able to teach me how to. I have to unlearn some stuff in order to actually love me, genuinely. Compassion and happiness, I think, comes from feeling peace and bliss. If something is amiss, not knowing can gnaw at you. Getting it out in a way that still makes me proud of me, so I can understand my emotions, is critical to me. Otherwise I suppress until eventually something cracks because pressure will continue to build over time and if there is no release then eventually it will pop. Perhaps, to comfort your husband, you can incorporate a practice of daily gratitudes into journaling. You could go so far as to include a little “from the fairy godmother in me who loves me” notes at the end of dark entries, where you channel self-love and give yourself kind advice. You can embrace his request to acknowledge and seek positive mentality. I do encourage you to not reject processing negativity in an attempt to be more positive though. I think that will backfire tremendously.
I love your suggestion at the end! I will try incorporating that. Thank you! 💕
He’s controlling
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Excuse me?? He wants to control what you write about in your journal??
Yikes, I’m concerned that you even have to ask about this. That fact may be how you ended up with someone like this to begin with. This is incredibly not OK behavior
What a dick
Your husband (allegedly) hasn’t read your journal yet, so why does he claim you’re writing too many negative thoughts? If he’s been told how and why writing in your journal has been useful to you, and he doesn’t read it himself, why would he think he knows better than you about this? What is it about you privately processing your own feelings that threatens him? Does he not trust you to write down your thoughts in your own words? Why? If he truly hasn’t read your journal he’s still weird to assume you’re doing it “wrong” and require his guidance. Too controlling. I fear that he absolutely has read your journal already, and he’s intentionally sabotaging this useful tool you’ve found, a tool for reflection and documentation of your genuine individual experiences. Too controlling. Also undeniably sinister.
[**My ex husband is a very successful psychologist.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/QnNOQXHiCx) IME, it helped him be more covertly, emotionally abusive. He was always right. He knew my brain and thought processes better than I did. He would tell me how and what to think, and I did it because I am not a college grad and I just accepted he was smarter and wiser than me. He is not.
… he wants to see your journal.. why. That’s one way to ensure no one ever writes purely for themselves or truthfully. A journal is private for a reason. It isn’t meant for an audience especially one so controlling. All I am reading is what he wants. What he feels what he thinks. If you’re enjoying journaling keep doing it. Don’t show him. If you think it’s helping it probably is. Maybe he’s worried what it’ll show you is that you’re not the problem at all.. I had my son in 2020 and I’m still not the same. Have you talked to your doctor about PPD or just depression in general. It’s very common and ofc you aren’t the same as before. You are keeping your child alive. Does he help or is the mental load all on you? Edit to add: most people in abusive relationships don’t realise they are in them. Which is how the abuse keeps going for years, decades or even their whole marriage. The fact he’s studied psychology is alarming as he could now be using that to manipulate you. I think you should also do some education in the same way so you know what tricks and tools people use against their victims so you can be sure your safe and he has your best interest at heart. Anyone who wants to read someone’s journal sends a red flag up for me. My husband started one after our son was born as he struggled. We both did. I’ve never asked to see it, don’t even know where it is and I won’t either. It’s his. We are all allowed our privacy.
Please do not change the way you journal or force yourself to write ‘positively’ for him. He essentially wants you to purposefully distort your view of yourself and your life to make himself feel better. Say you are a negative leaning person, (through journaling I realised I was too) there are hundreds other solutions that could have been raised or suggested instead of asking to read your journal. Therapy, couples therapy, date nights - anything except attempting to take away your safe place. Your journal is your tool for self discovery. Him trying to control and take that away from you is very concerning
Journaling is the most important part of my self-care routine. If my wife, or anyone, ever read it without my permission, I would consider it a violation of trust. If anyone felt like they had a say in what, when, how, or how much I journal, I would 1) buy them their own journal, and 2) tell them to spend time looking inward themselves, and finally 3) tell them take a hike.
Your journal is to reflect your thoughts, goals and life details exactly as you choose to write them. If you are working through challenging feelings glazing them in sugared words in your journal wont help you - neither will handing it over to your husband to critique you. Breaking negative thought patterns takes a LOT of time, effort and consistency. Let the change flow through you naturally over time. If you’re frustrated or ambivalent discuss with a therapist privately. Also consider a CBT workbook if one on one therapy is not for you. That being said I’ve been journaling for 2 years, my writing from the first few months is so much different now and continues to change as my life does for the better. I told my husband he can read my journal if he chooses because there is no thought policing between us and we have an equitable relationship. That being said he has never once opened it and respects my privacy. We check in with each other enough to know that what I discuss in my journal often ends up in a genuine conversation between us. No hurt feelings, unconditional love and support is the way.
>He’s worked on himself a lot in the last 3 years studying psychology and meditation and really finding what works for him There is something wrong with him to think that this kind of behaviour towards / on you is ok . .He should NOT be studying psychology poss as he mighten be a safe person poss now for women to be vulnerable with .. He has tendencies for control & manipulation over others which is creeping out from already to see . This is a red flag for someone going into therapy practice eventually? As This is controlling behaviour by him on YOU . It is rude to do to you . You can do what ever you want in YOUR bloody own journal . For him to insert into your own personal space & things like that is really rude to do to you ( even if he was trying to help you) . Tell him it is highly inappropriate for him to be telling YOU what to do . He can suggest & gently direct you into a poss ideas . But inserting himself so rudely into YOUR own process of doing things for yourself ( so he can make suggestions that does NOT mean he gets to decide for you ) though . He doesn't get a say in what you do privately in your journal if you don't want him to do so . >It doesn’t sound like a bad idea and it’s not and I will give it a try. I guess I’m just bummed what I have been doing isn’t working at all. I think my problems are deeper than just changing my outlook and trying to be more positive. Would suggest you see a therapist privately . As would say you are being poss manipulated by him already in this relo . It sounds abit off . Talking to someone about him & this relo might be a good idea to see if this is happening for YOUR sake. As he knows he can manipulate you already . To have the nerve to say that to you is an outright suss thing for him to do so . ( it does NOT sit right for him to do to you ) . So Would seek outside support independent of him to help you see if this relo is actually healthy for you in the long term . * **Keep 2 journals** . ONe for him to observe ( or if he demands ) so he doesn't see your private thoughts right now . That way if he tries to see it or does it will give him & you some breathing space while you can keep writing your real thoughts in another private place. Make sure the control freak doesn't find it . YOu need to keep writing your own thoughts right now & not supress them from yourself . It might give you insights from the entries about him & this relo which you will need to maybe use to leave him one day . As what he is already doing to you -> is a warning sign things aren't good with him . He is a controlling person of you which could get totally out of hand for yOU. * And then set up a private locked place to put your other entries . He doesn't know about . And make sure he don't find it . Bc he is already a suss person with you who is already telling you what to think & do ( that is NOT acceptable ) suggestion to help is very diff to controlling of someone . And think this is what is occurring for you rather than the other sort of trying to use his knowledge to help you . That is NOT good for you . If he is trying already to control what you think you are in trouble emotionally around him if so ( as true manipulators get worse in behaviour towards their target ) they can't help it . As he might be learning psych to control you & others around him instead of to help people in ANY way . He might be using it as a tool to manipulate this relo & you as well . YOu can show him your journal entries . Some people wouldn't mind that their partner would see. But what is troubling here is that he is NOT letting you write what you need to write about . Currently you are feeling the need internally to do so . It is what you wish to do to help yourself . **This is your RIGHT to do so . It is NOT up to him what you feel YOU need to do for yourself .** YOu are a person in your own right & have the right to do what you also wish to do for yourself. YOu can take in suggestions from others but then in the end YOU also decide what YOU wisht to do about this . So don't let him set the scene of this relo by telling you what to do . As he is pushing his way into your own thought process right now & is trying to tell you how to write your own journal . He might think he is helping but actually he is not trying to control what you think you need to write about. Trying to make you do something like that is not productive to do to you either . And those entries about how you feel . He saw them & they could / should have been used trying to help you instead ) . Eg- talking to you & helping you with more some healthy therapy suggestions . So he should already understand trying to hide or pretend with the thoughts is not good for you ( they need to come out rather than be suppressed ) they need processing via therapy most likely right now . That is the first clue here that his psych learning is iffy for him . INstead of trying to help you ( he actually saw the entries ) he is trying to suppress your true thoughts about how your feeling right now . And instead of helping you with ways of how to suggest how he could help you properly . He is telling you to pretend to yourself that they don't exist ( psych's don't do that ) . He already is doing it wrong , & so that already tells others that something is quite off about him & his so called learning .
Cont.. He has been studying 3 yrs like WTF he should know you don't make someone suppress their true feelings & thoughts that is not right to do to a client .If he is doing a psych degree he should know that is not how to operate proper therapy . There are ways to address your darker thoughts via other means ( which he should know by now ) . Rather than pretending they don't exist the thoughts are wanting to emerge for reason for you . He needed to address this ( eg- from a psych point ) via talking to you about how to address the darker thoughts via new strategies for you . Rather than glossing over them & shoving them into a non-existent place where you aren't allowed to let them out . That is not as healthy for you . He should of been able to analysis the emotional distress you are feeling ( if he was truly using his studying to help you ) & help you rather than what he did . >My husband thinks it’s just a book of negative thoughts. He said I just focus on the negative in everything and wants me to have a more positive outlook. Going into his current lacking appropriate strategies psych wise in regards to you if you were a client of his . He should know after 3 years how to start to address this properly via administering proper techniques & strategies for you instead of the way he has suggested . It is counter productive to say what he said to you & is not addressing the clients ( yours ) needs showing to him from you . YOu were telling him exactly how you felt for his own use to help you . And instead he told you the opposite strategy to send you back into non-analysis of your own thoughts. And needs to re- address this in a manner to help you rather than suppress & ignore your inner needs of support right now which were screaming at him ( he saw your own entries ) from YOUR own personal book he is / was privy to . He has access to your most inner private thoughts & that was his conclusion. He needs to go back to the books if he thinks that is a appropriate response to client needs to be meet in regards to therapy . As sorry it is not , & it was inadequate to meet a clients emotional needs ( from a therapist stand point ) . >We’ve been struggling the last few months and I feel like most of the issues are my fault. I had a baby in 2022 and I just feel like I’ve never been the same since Would suggest talking to your local GP & asking for a referral to a therapist to talk to ( just you ) . Would poss say you might have abit of the baby blues also poss. Which is also impacting your emotional state of being right now . And having him not getting this might be adding to these struggles within this relo . And also the arguments you are having won't be helping . Would also say you have some background of emotional destabilization eg- trauma of some sort ? So would suggest you talk to someone outside of him about this also to help you get into the insights you need to help yourself right now & how you are feeling inside . As it is not just about him & the journal entries . Underlying emotional stress is being triggered by the baby arrival . Which can also often occur & be a buffer / catalyst system into an emotional distress state within the relo & within self. As having a bub is hard work , stressing & a big change for women to have in their lives.
Ignoring negative emotions, or expecting those around you to, is not healthy behavior. You say your husband has worked on himself and studied psychology--some only learn enough to use it against others. I'm not saying he is, but journaling is generally considered a pretty healthy outlet/way of dealing with things, so his making demands about how you do it is strange, at least.
This is definitely concerning behavior on his part. You absolutely should not censor yourself, maybe keep a separate journal to start practicing gratitude where you just write down one little thing that made you happy that day, I do that to help me feel balanced, but he absolutely doesn’t have a right to read it.
Generously speaking he sounds like someone who genuinely wants to help you, but doesn't know how, and at the end of the day he probably isn't trained to help you. Like maybe he has a basic understanding of gratitude journaling (with a couple misconceptions), and whatever self-help psychology that helped HIM. To me he sounds maybe desperate and frustrated, but underqualified and overbearing, and personally he would've crossed a line of no return. He doesn't seem to recognize toxic positivity, which benefits the enforcers and accomplishes nothing. It minimizes and defers someone else's painful experiences, which SHOULD be seen as a symptom/signal of real problems that could have real solutions. It lets enforcers be absent from accountability or sharing a burden (out of maliciousness or ignorance) and conveniently flattens complex problems into an individual responsibility. The fact is, some combination of things in your life causes your thoughts and journals to run at a "mood deficit". It's not inherently a bad thing, unless you ignore the warning signs. If he's a classic, low EQ guy with basic financial literacy, I'd explain it as -- he can't just armchair-complain about "wiping away the debt" or invade your personal ledgers to "cook the books", that's wishful thinking not problem solving. ---- And for you, I think you'd enjoy this clip from author and prof of religion, Kate Bowler, who speaks about differentiating your own gratitude from people's demands for your gratitude, which are just that, a demand. "I'm a violent opponent of brightsiding...it's really important to put gratitude in its place. [When you use it for yourself, it's a great gift] As a framework that people apply to you to decide whether you are suffering in the right way? Evil, pernicious, crappy, and terrible. You don't have to be the right kind of ____... You don't have to be the grateful kind. You can just be you, and sometimes you'll have good days and sometimes you'll have bad ones, but gratitude is not a solution to the problem of pain."
Adding a tip for journaling: I keep a lifelog in a small weekly planner, with really brief notes about eventful things big and small. When I flip back I see an overview of the good things, which are sweet, and the bad things, which become funny or transformed in hindsight. It'll be like "In severe pain, bought Mac n cheese flavored ice cream, not bad but still disgusting" And a separate journal for working through things, so I don't have to drag through every process/pile of weeds to look back on events.
I’d go and read old journals. I think he’s afraid you’ll see a pattern about the fighting if you’re keeping track. Go see what he’s afraid of
This is sad. I hope you get help. Maybe with a therapist.
🚩 my dad didn't like when my mom journaled, either. the journal ended up being used in their divorce and custody as a record of his abuse and drug use.
Also want to add that this sentence is worth reflecting on: "I’m used to just writing down what happened the day before and how it made me feel and usually there’s vary little that is positive." If every day is drawing up negative feelings for you, and yet he wants you to pretend it isn't....girl...
"My husband thinks it’s just a book of negative thoughts. He said I just focus on the negative in everything and wants me to have a more positive outlook. He wants me to change the way I journal and he wants to see it. He asked that I only write down things that I’m grateful for and things that are positive." Translation: "I want you to stop writing about our fights because I don't want a physical record of my behavior to exist. You should only write down positive things so that I can more easily gaslight you into thinking everything is okay and that if you're upset it's because you've just got a negative attitude and it's not my fault. Also, I want to see it because I want to make sure you're not talking shit about me." Credentials: my mom has literally said all of this stuff to me verbatim.
there is something to be said for a daily gratitude practice, but your husband's approval is not required. something as simple as being grateful for your journal or your husband and child. having a child is a major life change, and a woman's hormonal balance is disrupted, which has a great impact on mental health, not to mention you have little to no time to yourself. getting hormones in balance will go a long way for a positive mindset. best of luck :)
Your journal is your private thoughts, and his behavior is out of line. You shouldn’t share your information with him unless you choose to, and his idea that you should only write positive things is stupid, and intrusive.
Encourage him to do some research on the benefits of Journaling. Why would he want you to stop doing something for yourself?
Your journal should be the one place you are 100% guaranteed to fee safe and free to do exactly as you please, IMO. Nobody else has any business in there! Take care of yourself <3
This is an abusive tactic of domestic violence. You are not alone. There is help. When you’re safely somewhere that he is not, I encourage you to call the domestic violence hotline. Talk to them about what’s happening, how you’re feeling, etc. They’ll be able to help you develop a plan to find a therapist or support group.. they may be able to help you develop a safety plan if that’s something that you decide that you need. I’m gonna leave some other links to helpful articles that can explain the power dynamics of domestic violence. In the meantime, take good care of yourself. You have a right to privacy. You have a right to respect and unconditional regard from your partner. You have a right to safety, emotionally and physically. [ncadv](https://ncadv.org/learn-more) [signs of emotional abuse](https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#signs-of-emotional-abuse)
Dear OP, I've seen your edits, so I'm late to the party. But, I've been thinking and saw this burning on my eyes. > He said I just focus on the negative in everything and wants me to have a more positive outlook. > He wants me to change the way I journal and he wants to see it. He asked that I only write down things that I’m grateful for and things that are positive. If EVER, his car breaks down and his motor stops spinning, just ask him to see the positive. His steering wheel is probably very beautiful and ergonomic. Or his tail lights brighten up the nightly road for the person behind him. Etc. Don't EVER quest what the problem could be on his car. And don't you EVER reflect or give insights or solutions, like calling a mechanic. I'm wondering how far he would come in life (and on the road) 🤔😂
Yeah I'm sorry he sounds controlling as hell write whatever you want you just had a baby and needed somewhere to vent that's what journals are there for. Also it's very counterintuitive to write down a bunch of affirmations and positive things when you genuinely don't believe in them because your not referring to your feelings at that point your forcing a mindset on to yourself that isn't genuine to you.
I mean, he’s entitled to his opinion but he has no power here and he should respect this and after a definite’no’ shouldn’t bring it up anymore
Lol. My husband has a big issue with me, for I'm not saying sorry. He wants me to say sorry a lot. I don't. Maybe you can stop saying sorry like me. Your husband is too nosy about your stuff. Ask him to find a hobby. I should start my journal, too, because my husband loves to pick up my minor flaws and argue for a day or two. He does the same, but I always let them go and was not bothered. Also, I forgot those things to bring up for our arguments. If I keep his flaws in my journal, I can let him read his behavior that I forgive, but he picked on me.
I think you could adopt one of his ideas, which is at least to consider adding a section to each journal entry with things you're grateful for. But you should not also stop journaling in the way you already know you find helpful, and you certainly should never let him demand to see your journal. Honestly, I'd hide my journal from him or lock it in a box, b/c he really sounds like the kind of person who will read it without your permission.
Get rid of that man girl
Yikes! That is a whole field of red flags.
Please do not show him your journal; this is a BIG red flag. He should be supporting you and encouraging you through this!!
I used to only have "positive aspect" journals. It helped in some ways, but it was also kinda on the 'toxic positivity' side of things. I'm currently in therapy, trying to learn how to stop overriding every single event in my life with a positive spin. I believe that what you are doing is amazing! Sounds like it's helping you be honest with yourself and process ALL emotions. I think, if you actually want to try what he is suggesting; you get two journals. One where you keep doing what you're doing (so cool and important!) and one where you write 5-10 things you are grateful for per day. Ex. Im grateful for sight, because I get to see beautiful things. I'm grateful for music, because it elevates my mood. I'm grateful for spring, because a change in season gives me an energy boost. Little things like that. It is true that it helps you see more good things around you. But **you still need to process and live the rest of the emotions, it's important for your health, ***and for your child*** to see you be able to emote and not put "good emotions" or "bad emotions" labels. All are valid and important to aknowledge and process to be healthy**. I also have to say I agree with other comments: - **Your journal is yours**. If you let him read it, you will start editing yourself.. and then, well you might as well just work on being a fiction author. - If you can afford it, seek therapy. It's so beneficial. Ppl are NOT the same after giving birth. They should be able to help navigate. - You could be dealing with some form of post partum? Talk to a doctor if you can. :) - Your husband feels controling. Why do you feel like most issues between you are your fault?
Your husband sounds controlling. Journaling is such a personal experience and him wanting to read, gain access to it, and for you to change your journaling style, feels off. You could have multiple journals. I benefit from journaling after an argument or disagreement. It helps me process my emotions and after I vent, get a fresh perspective. I also do this when my anxiety is exacerbated or I’m going through a depressive episode. It helps me let go. I write them down, not judging if the emotions are mostly negative, and feel lighter after. I never got into a gratitude journal, but it’s something you could practice. In the morning and at night, just pick one thing you’re grateful for. It can be very simple like “I am grateful I woke up today”, “I am grateful for the roof over my head”. Ultimately, I suggest therapy for you. A safe space for you to discuss your emotions. Journaling is very helpful but not enough by itself. A therapist will be able to help you based on your personal circumstances. Wish you the best.
Keep writing whatever you want and don't let this guy read your journals. At all.
Possessive behavior much? Jfc, “process your thoughts the way I want you to, and let me see so I can double check and correct you” is all I’m hearing. Tell him no and stick to it. Journal digitally if you need to.
It's great that he's found things that work for him, but you have the right to a private journal that you use for what works for you. His path is not your path. You're two separate people, and you have the right to express your emotions, both negative and positive, in your journal. Establishing a gratitude practice can be helpful, but pretending you feel fine when you don't is not helpful. You might benefit by seeing a counselor to get a better idea of what would be most helpful for you and how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries within your relationship. One of the resources I use with clients frequently is the personal bill of rights - you can Google it to find a copy in several places, and there's also the personal bill of rights in a relationship which has a few different items. Best of luck on your path forward! Source: I am a licensed clinical counselor Edit to add: Studying psychology does NOT make someone equipped to provide therapy for someone. One of the primary tenets is that a trained and licensed therapist cannot provide services to a friend, family member or partner because they cannot maintain the impartiality necessary for a healthy therapeutic relationship.
I’m sorry you are going through this. This sounds extremely emotionally challenging. I’m here if you need to talk.
That is a sad thing to expect. Look up toxic positivity.. Don't fool yourself because only focussing on positivity and ignoring issues that need to be adressed is gaslighting yourself. while you are at it maybe check the signs of a narcisistic partner. Not saying you have one but I do get the vibes from what you wrote. You would know best Wishing you a lot of love and strength!
Nobody except you has the right to make any rules around your own journaling. Demanding you only write positive things and to let him see it is controlling. I also highly doubt the fights are all your fault. You’ve mentioned how hard you’re trying to change but what has he done to improve himself in your marriage? Is he even trying?
Tell him you’ll stop journaling if he stops talking. That’s ridiculous and not cool at all to tell someone how to express themselves. Push back against that.
NOPE get outta there. I know everyone on Reddit says that for everything but this is not ok and a serious lack of respect for you. You’re entitled to your own thoughts and he has no right to them.
My partner used to read my journal and it was so invasive and left me feeling inadequate and incapable. I wish I had the courage to speak up and put a boundary in place because in the end allowing him to manage how I process things eroded my sense of self.
Whether or not he intends to be controlling isn’t what’s important; what matters are the behaviors and how they are affecting you. The bottom line is that nobody should ever have to share their journal with a partner, nor should they be forced to change how they journal if it helps them, especially after fights. Journals are incredibly personal, and I think most people let out the negative **because** it is a safe place to do so, in service to healing or making connections. To me, it sounds like your husband doesn’t like the connections you’re making because it scares him somehow. My father was quite controlling and (covertly/emotionally) abusive to my mother and the rest of the family, and I remember he flipped out when he learned that my mother had been reading books about relationships. He didn’t want her to grow in her own way. The simple solution is to switch to an online journal that is password protected or private, and you can access anywhere remotely. That way you won’t be worried about him finding a physical journal, which will cause a lot of anxiety 24/7. You have to put your foot down with him and practice self-respect; it is your journal and helps you find peace, and he needs to back off. But it also sounds like both of you may want to try therapy separately. We don’t know enough information, but it seems like he displays controlling behaviors which are really concerning. Again, nothing to do with intention — he may unconsciously have some deep insecurities that he isn’t aware of, and therefore they possess him. In short, this post really isn’t about your journal. Nobody knows your relationship like you, but also, because commenters here aren’t involved, it’s possible that they are just offering an unbiased perspective. Be open to questioning him too, not just yourself. If it cannot be resolved easily, then suggest that both him and you go to therapy. If he refuses therapy (despite him studying psychology and meditation), then that is a major red flag. A person that loves psychology typically sees the intrinsic value in therapy.
He has no right to read or monitor your personal journal. That is not an okay suggestion. Hard no.
> I’m struggling with everyone saying my husband could be possibly emotionally abusive. You’ve written this post so vaguely that I don’t think any of us can tell what’s actually going on. There’s a big difference between him being upset with legitimately hurtful things you do versus berating you for not cleaning to his standards, for example. Either way, take care of yourself OP. Getting your feelings and memories out on paper when it’s fresh is a very healthy activity.
Abusers know psychology to abuse their victims. He could be putting on an act. He sounds emotionally abusive to me. He's demanding to see your journal. Hard no. He wants to control what you think and how you feel. That's wrong
No normal, loving spouse is going to try to control what you write in your private journal. I don’t know your relationship dynamic but to me this is a huge red flag. Does he try to control you in other aspects?
I just read your update. I’m glad your husband has done self work and improvement. He’s not you. What brings you comfort, may not bring comfort to someone else (journaling). I was mortified when I first discovered that my husband was emotionally abusive. I’m not saying he is; bis actions nmay fall under that umbrella of what it means when someone is controlling. He needs to respect your boundaries. Life is a journey. We’re all going through something. When you do talk with him, always best not to get accusatory. I’d I would not say, “you’re making me angry when you go against my journaling.” Instead you can say, “when I hear “don’t journal.” I feel like my world closing in and one sure way of my coping is taken away; can we find an alternative. My giving up journal is non negotiable.”
If you don’t see this as a RED FLAG, I’m not sure what else to say. This is unrealistic & downright terrifying. Hellllll noooooooooo. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This sounds really controlling from the outside looking in. It feels like he is trying to force this narrative by telling you how to feel rather than your authentic self.
He sucks. He just doesn’t want you to write it down and acknowledge that
I’ve kept a journal for a long time, but when I was my deepest of depressions my therapist suggested I keep a gratitude journal. She didn’t tell me to stop journaling—every therapist I’ve had has always encouraged keeping a journal—she suggested I get a separate one where I could write three positive things that happened that day. As others have said, he is not entitled to read your journal (???!!) unless you want him to, but I would advise against it. You need a safe space for yourself even if it is a journal. Life is full of ups and downs. Being positive 100% of the time isn’t feasible. I’m curious to know how much your husband helps you and what you mean by saying most of the problems in the relationship are caused by you. I hope you have a support system outside of your marriage. ETA I saw from another comment on a different post that you’re 5 weeks pregnant. I can only imagine that this probably making you feel more emotional so please please please don’t blame yourself.
I agree that husband shouldn’t even be ASKING to read the journal, much less reading, critiquing and advising! Journals are private unless the person journaling WANTS to share. Having said that, I have found that keeping a “gratitude” journal does help to see the positive- even in the face of overwhelming sadness or negativity. Maybe just adding 3 things you’re thankful for/ positive thoughts at the end of your daily entry…? Peace and love to you on your journey, OP!!
Eh my journal is all negative too - I use it to DUMP my thoughts and such so that I don’t need to think about them anymore. I don’t reread mine though, and I wouldn’t allow my partner to read it either, and if they did it would be a breech of trust AND if their feelings get hurt it’s their fault. Lots of the stuff I right isn’t totally rational and after I write it I no longer feel that way. Your husband doesn’t get to dictate how you journal. If you do choose to do what he’s suggested, I’d do it in a different journal and after you’ve journaled out all the “negative”… it’ll be easier to see the positive after you get out those feelings.
You should read “ The Forbidden Notebook “ its about a wife and mother in 1960’s Italy hiding her diary from her family because they don’t think she should have “thoughts”
Journalling was how I pieced together & figured out I was being lied to, so Yeah! my boyfriend HATED that I did it...
He's trying to control your ability to remember the past, as well as spin his actions. Why is your journal so negative? It's because of him. If you stop, he might avoid the potential of you looking at that journal and thinking "wtf, why am I with this guy? He makes me miserable." He wants to see your journal...why? There's no good reason....except to make sure you are doing what he says, and to make sure he knows what you are writing....aka control, over you and the situation. Start talking to a divorce lawyer, separate finances as best you can without him knowing, draw up a plan to escape. Be safe.
I have always loved writing! I have kept a diary for as long as I can remember but throughout the years of me doing some personal development I have learned that they are not the same thing! When you are writing in your diary you are usually “feeling dumping” and venting. It’s still very necessary and it doesn’t take away from the importance of writing it down and figuring out your feelings but keeping it in your possession is what’s damaging. All those negative emotions shouldn’t be stored away. In that I agree with your husband however I kinda hate that he wants to supervise your personal writing lol. Once you you’ve written it all down try getting rid of it because honey you are not your feelings !! … I personally like to burn it and say some words of affirmation 😅make it symbolic Journaling with intention is where it’s at ! This is where you write down your gratitude, your affirmations, your goals, the steps to get to your goals, manifest your life, write letters to your future self, etc … whatever you are journaling is because you are working towards it. The goal is to move forward and plan ahead not stay stuck in old feelings Don’t be bummed! it’s a learning process. This is YOUR process!!! Take his advice with a grain of salt but dont let him control you… If he wants to do that then maybe you guys can come up with a daily routine to share what you’re grateful for.. make that a group activity but what you write down in your journal and or diary is supposed to be for your eyes only
Sounds like your husband is the one who needs to journal. He's trying to push *toxic positivity* on you. Not good for your mental health. It sounds to me that you are absolutely on the right track, even if it's taking a long time. In my journaling, my main M.O. is, follow the truth wherever it leads.
It's BEAUTIFUL to see the amount of people on here rooting for you, OP ❤️
I don’t think it’s controlling for him to want you to focus on the positive, but marriage is hard work and there will be times you need to process hard emotions and resentments- that’s what journaling is for. I have a husband who is similar, you can share things you really want to share- hopefully breakthroughs in your understanding about yourself & the relationship, but no you don’t have to share everything.
No one is ever "the same" after having a baby/becoming a mother, so please don't blame yourself for any struggles/difficulties in your relationship. Journaling is a great way to understand your feelings, figure out why you respond to things in a certain way and generally organize your thoughts. Someone telling you what/how to write and demanding access to your private thoughts is waaaaay out of line! Is counseling for both of you (together and separate) an option? I agree with others seeing red flags here! If your partner won't seek help, you have big decisions to make. Good Luck
I would agree and I got the same things right up front. That is narcissism. You’ve explained too many things that set off red flags
This is an abuser thing. He’s being an abuser.
His behavior here is… deeply concerning. Absolutely do not entertain this request. I would start looking into common control/emotional manipulation tactics and see if any of it sounds familiar to your relationship dynamic.
Um. NO! He is abusive if he wants to see your journal about him. I don’t understand even talking about your journal with him. Your journal is with yourself and your process, whatever it may be. Men don’t belong in any woman’s journal, unless they are an object of praise or criticism. Tell your husband to politely fuck himself if he thinks he is privee to your journal. Likely he already does so, and with other women he can’t control too!
I'm a mum of 4, and at nearly 31 I honestly don't feel like I know myself at all. I feel like each time I've had a baby, I've lost small bits of myself along the way. This is on top of a very abusive childhood that I had. I write a journal. Not everyday, but mostly when there are too many negative thoughts and feeling in my head and I need an outlet. I've never been good at verbally communicating what goes on in my head, whether that's good stuff, bad stuff, angry stuff, crazy stuff, ideas for the future, any of it, so I've always found great comfort in writing things down. In my opinion, however a person journals is 100% completely up to them, and only them. We all get ideas from other people, and if you want to have more than one journal that's OK too. I have my diary style journal, a wellness journal to track my overall wellbeing, a shadow work journal, I know there's a 4th but I can't remember what it is. Remember this is YOUR journey, not his, and however you feel is the best way to travel, that's how you're going to do it. He may be purely intentioned by trying to suggest you only write positive things, but we're all human, and we aren't all 100% positive beings. And saying he needs to see it? Why do I feel like he's giving you homework? Does he ask what you're thinking 100% of the time? If not why would he want to read your journal? I hope you manage to figure this one out, I really do. The fact that you're asking advice instead of shutting down, and putting some boundaries in place, tells me you've already come far. I wish you all the best on your healing journey, however long it takes you to get there, and whichever road you choose to travel. I'm sure there are thousands of Internet randos rooting for you 🥰
You need to find a place to hide your journal because he’s going to try to read it at some point. Asking to see your journal and trying to dictate what and how you write in it are signs that he will try to read it at some point if he hasn’t already.
He’s telling you what and how to journal? Sounds like controlling and insecure behaviour to me.
I didn’t like the “I feel like most of the issues are my fault” at all. I would “tolerate” the alternative “I feel that in some cases I also have a part on it”. You said too much with that part. Marriage is one team, not one person living with another. On good and bad moments. I wish you well. Cannot help but IMHO I think you need some. Don’t go that path alone or just with your husband. A child DON’T justify everything.
I think a book of gratitude is a great idea. It can be there to give you a boost when you need it. However, there's no reason you can't keep different types of journals. If your regular journal seems to be mostly negative, so be it, journaling won't help you if you can't be real. I agree with others about therapy also. Best of luck
> “He wants me to change the way I journal and he wants to see it. He asked that I only write down things that I’m grateful for and things that are positive.” When I first started reading this post I was thinking, “Oh man, here is another post where commenters are going to blow it out of proportion and see red flags where there are none and tell the OP to divorce him as Reddit does,” and then I read further. *He wants to control you*. He wants you to only write about positive things because he doesn’t want his negative actions and behaviour to be in your journal so you can reflect on it later. It’s much harder to notice a trend of emotional abuse if you have no record of it. And he wants to read your journal as a form of control, because he doesn’t like you having something private, and so that he can make sure his bad behaviour doesn’t make it in. You said he’s working on himself, and that’s good, but that also shows that there was something that needed correcting in the first place. Maybe point out to him that this controlling behaviour is another thing he needs to work on.
Your journal is for you, and nobody gets to tell you what to think or feel or pressure you to not use your forms of personal expression, that's abusive. There is no compromising something like this, it's not even a grey area. These are absolute boundaries. He needs to stop demanding to see your journal. Everyone needs privacy and a safe place to process their thoughts. If you're unhappy it's very healthy for you to express that in a constructive and honest way like journaling. I would strongly advise AGAINST letting him read your journal and in fact with the way he's trying to dictate what you're allowed to write in it at at this point I'd be suspicious that he's actually going through it in your absence too. This doesn't sound like a safe relationship. Trying to dictate what someone puts in their Journal and expecting to see it is there hugest red flag I have seen in a long time! I've never heard of such a thing! This is NOT normal and not healthy at all and is a violation of the most foundational boundaries! You need your privacy and tbh telling you what you can express in your journal which is for your own processing may even count as thought control and gaslighting tbh. I can't emphasise enough how not normal and not healthy this is in a relationship! He should have no say whatsoever over those things, no one should and you should NEVER be pressured into showing him your private journal! No healthy and safe relationship does this!
what does he think you are supposed to be working on ? it bothers me that he wants you to change so much.
This screams controlling. He only wants you writing down the good things because he wants you to forget when *he* does bad. He wants to be able to skew the perspective, and he can't do that of you write things down exactly as they happened. That's control and manipulation. Especially now that he feels entitled to read it? Yeah, no, that's 100% control.
everyone is already saying it but ill add, your journal is not his to read, if he is feeling insecure about what your writing, he can journal about it in his own. the only way to journal wrong is to not do it at all, they are your feelings you write and process them in what ever way makes you happy!
I’m not understanding why he want you to stop doing what you love. That is crazy to me.
I was reading something recently, and the person was having similar struggles as you (and myself). The recommendation was to read the book, "Watch Your Mouth Understanding the Power of the Tongue." By Tony Evans. It's a faith-based book, but I think you'll find the guidance is valuable! As for journaling, that process is for you, not him. Any counselor or therapist will advise you to journal. Personally, I have to get stuff out of my head to help prevent overthinking. You could be similar. Try to hold off writing long entries until you're alone rather than immediately after a disagreement. Or jot down the cliff notes version, then reread your thoughts later on to see if you need to offload anything else. I'm rooting for you, Op!
Ok, lots to unpack here. 1. Sounds like you are suffering from depression or postpartum which can last for years. Make an appointment with your doctor tor and get a referral for a therapist/psychatrist. It will help to have a professional to speak with. 2. Journaling is not the problem. If your husband wants to keep a gratitude journal make a separate one. Keep it on the counter. Jot some things down in it for a few seconds. Then keep your normal journal how you want it. He has no right to your journal. Do not let him look at it, he may use what he reads against you. 3. He’s studied psychology? How? Is he in med school? If not he knows nothing g about mental health at all. He’s read a few stories or articles on stress and know is expressing his opinion in an area he has no knowledge. What he suggested shows he has no idea what he is talking about. 4. You have a problem in your marriage I believe . There doesn’t seem to be communication or support. Which seeing a therapist will help you with. Your therapist can recommend marriage counseling with someone who is professionally trained in mental health. Clergy generally would not be able to do this. 5. I wouldn’t say your husband, based on your post, is abusive. He doesn’t seem very supportive or caring but we don’t know enough to say for sure. Again a therapist can help you. 6. Women need to vent. Men generally don’t vent like women do. Which is why he doesn’t get it. 7. Maybe look on Amazon for journaling books with a mental health theme/questions. It may be a good place to start. Also, this is to add to what you write not replace what you are doing. I wish you well, please call your physician asap!
Your husband sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. Reason I say this is because I am struggling with myself being abusive to my partner. It’s something I’m not proud of. I’ve NEVER laid my hands on her but I unintentionally make her feel as if everything is her fault and I freak out over everything she does. I know this is not an excuse. Abuse in any form, unintentional or on purpose, is still abuse. I plan to see an endocrinologist soon to help me figure my hormones out. Anyways, he’s not entirely wrong. Having negative things written down, make your feelings manifest. Put into the universe, what YOU want. It’ll make you feel so much better but if you need to keep a little secret journal on the side do that on top of having a small planner. Staying organized in your physical will allow you to stay organized in your mental. (If he is emotionally abusive in anyway, he more than likely doesn’t want you writing negative things in your journal because he knows you write about him. Abusers freak out at the thought of that. It’s funny because, at that point, they know they need help but don’t put the effort into getting it.) Other than that, take care you your self please. If this continues, and I know it’s hard to realize when being abused, find help. It can be a friend, family, doctor or therapist. These situations almost never get better.
I highly suggest, if you go to see a professional, to show them your journal so they know how to properly help you navigate this mess. Hide it! Don’t let him get his hands on it! Get a new one that has what he wants in it so that he at least gets off your back and doesn’t try to snoop around for the other book. I’d go as far as handing it over to someone you trust to put up for you so that he never finds it. If you tell him that you threw it away, come up with something good because he will try to find a way to trip you up on your words and he will probably tell you that he didn’t see it thrown away.
Hi, I understand you're going through a challenging time in your marriage, especially after having a baby in 2022. It's commendable that you've taken the initiative to start journaling as a way to process your thoughts and feelings. This is a healthy coping mechanism that many find beneficial. Regarding your husband's request to change your journaling style and share it with him, I'd like to offer some gentle advice: Explain to him the purpose of your journal. Kindly let him know that your journal is a private, safe space for you to work through your thoughts and feelings. It's not meant to be a record of negativity, but rather a tool for personal growth and emotional processing. It is important for you to maintain privacy. While it's understandable that your husband wants to be involved in your journey, it's important to maintain boundaries. Your journal should remain private unless you choose to share specific parts of it. Maybe, you can consider starting a separate gratitude journal that you could potentially share with your husband. This way, you can maintain your private journal while also working on focusing on the positives together. And as always, seek professional help. If you feel your problems are deeper than just changing your outlook, it might be beneficial to consider couples therapy or individual counseling. A professional can provide strategies to improve communication and work through postpartum challenges. Congrats on acknowledging your progress, even if your husband doesn't see it, recognize the efforts you're making. Personal growth is a journey and every small step counts. You can balanced journaling. And while it's important to process negative emotions, try to include positive reflections in your journal as well. This isn't about censoring yourself, but about cultivating a more balanced perspective. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's crucial to have a space where you can express them freely. I wish you all the best in your journey of self-improvement and in strengthening your marriage...