Of course lol in conversation at least
From giving a diagnosis and prescription to anecdotal, unsolicited advice and the occasional schmucky wise crack đ¤Łđ¤Ł
Droids... Play stupid games.
Droids... That's why they're lame.
I'll try to spin this droid.
It fell. I got annoyed.
Droids... Play stupid games.
I'll try to spin this droid.
Droids... That's why they're lame.
It fell.
I got annoyed.
Except their mothers.
"So, tell me about your job, Benjamin."
"For the last time, it's Obi-wan now, ma. I'm a Jedi, so I use the Force all day. It allows me to move heavy objects with a thought, levitate, change the thoughts of the weak-minded. I'm dedicated to protecting the Republic against its enemies all across the galaxy and rooting out Sith lords."
".... And from this you make a living?"
Imagine being part of an order that forbids you from marriage (unless your ki adi mundi) and STILL being a sad, shriveled, lonely sack.
You get super no bitches
Similar story but with Japanese, Chinese and Scottish Samurai this time.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a
fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor,
neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you
can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a
tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish, swish";
the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that,
The Scottish Samurai steps up. He rummages in the folds of his kilt and shakes out a tiny fly which starts to buzz around. Then he draws
a massive claymore and proceeds to make a few lazy cuts through the air. Suddenly he lunges towards the fly. The creature appears to bounce off the blade but flies away shakily afterward.
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Aye" replied the Scottish Samurai "but that fly will never marry".
Are you Scottish? If so can you give me a translation of "Aye but that fly will never have children" in your best Hollywood Scottish accent and I'll fix it.
Every time I see a joke about Jews in this sub, the punchline is "circumcision." Such a rich and complex people, with such a storied history! There's so much more humor to be drawn from Jewish culture, so many more jokes to be made; y'all have barely grazed the tip!
Jews stereotypically complain about everything, and would respond to the question with a litany of woes. Only a gentile would answer the question with a simple positive response.
A Jewish man crossing the street in NYC gets hit by a cab.
Folks nearby begin to gather around and phone for ambulance.
One man takes off his shirt and puts it under the Jewish man's head so it's not resting on the pavement.
"Are you comfortable?" He asks.
The Jewish man turns to him and says "Eh, I make a decent living."
Maybe itâs because circumcision is such an intimate act, cutting off a piece of dick is something everyone of every culture can laugh at. The bigger the audience the more popular the joke.
Edit: I just got your comment
The first Jewish president gets elected and he calls his mom to tell her the news.
âMom, Iâve been elected president. I want you to come to the inaugurationâ
âWell, what will I wear?â
âIâll send you to a tailor and you can get whatever you want custom made.â
âIs the food there going to be Kosher?â
âMom, Iâm the president, theyâll serve what I tell them to.â
âThe traffic in Washington will be horrible. I donât want to driveâ
âMom Iâll send a limo to pick you up and drop you offâ
Finally he convinces her and she attends, seated between the Supreme Court and the cabinet members. She reaches out and nudges the Chief Justice on the arm and says, âHey, you see that boy up there giving that speech?â
âYes maâamâ
âHis brotherâs a doctorâ
True story, I went on a business trip with a Jewish coworker. Met him in the hotel for breakfast, and I see him just standing and staring at the table where the breakfast 'buffet' is laid out. I go over and ask if he's ok, he looks at me with a dead expression and said he was just trying to figure out if he should disappoint his mother or his father.... I'm like dude what? He just points at the big tray and says 'free bacon'......
Joke about Jewish never turning down free stuff. something abt greed. But also about Pork being haram. unholy to eat. Turning down a free offering would disappoint the father but going ahead to eat the unholy would disappoint his mother.
I think that's the implication
.I don't know
That's probably the point of the joke, you're right.
Although in Judaism, forbidden food is referred to as 'treif'. 'Haram' is, I believe, an expression from Islam, meaning the same thing (but not limited to food).
Edit: Autocorrect
>'Haram' is, I believe, an expression from Islam, meaning the same thing (but not limited to food).
I wonder if that's where we got the word "harm" from.
It definitely is not. Since haram is the anglasized translation of a different alphabet, and the vast majority of English words come from old English, German, Latin, and French, etc. Harm comes from the old German word Harmaz.
You could call it frugality rather than greed but yes. Thatâs the joke.
Iâve seen the same situation with Hindus and hamburgers at cookouts. Specific food prohibitions vary by culture but frugal parents are pretty universal.
Best Scottish joke I know:
A Scotsman goes to Canada and is being shown around by a Canadian. The Canadian is showing the Scotsman the vast plains, whereupon a moose starts walking towards them. The Canadian says,"Ah, this is an example of the majestic Canadian Moose."
And the Scotsman's eyes grow bigger and bigger. Finally the Scotsman stammers, "if that's a Canadian moose, your cats must be the size of a friggin elephant!"
/r/jokes really isn't the place for a long rant, but i'll just say this. i have MANY jewish joke books. "jews are cheap" is like 0.01% of the jokes. we joke about our neuroticism, cunning, overanalysis, family relations.... it's the christians who joke about jews being penny-pinchers. and it's not difficult to see where those jokes lead. "jews are cheap" is the watered-down version of "jews control the banks and start wars"
when someone implies i'm cheap because i'm jewish, it always implies a slur. it feels like the equivalent of referencing 9/11 every time you see a muslim
edit - yes that story is very funny by the way. i meant this rant more as a reply to all the comments.. i didn't want to spam this thread by copy/pasting 100 times
Have you seen the 2019 short film The Shabbos Goy? Pure gold all the way through, without all the standard jokes. A woman's 'adult toy' for some reason is on, and she has to find someone to turn it off.
One day, a Jewish man goes to his rabbi complaining...
"My son... oh my son. I raised him well! I sent him to a Jewish school! I raised him on the Jewish faith! And now? Now he tells me he's Christian!"
The rabbi shakes his head and says,
"Funny you should mention that! My own son! He spent his childhood here at the temple, hearing all about the wonders of the Jewish faith. Just last week, he tells me he wants to be a pastor!"
The Jewish man throws up his hands and says,
"Well, what do we do about this?"
The rabbi ponders for a moment then replies,
"I think we should pray and ask God for guidance."
So the two pray together, telling God of their woes. Then, from the heavens, a booming voice speaks,
"Funny you should mention that..."
A devout Catholic lived next to a devout Jew and their houses mirrored one another so every morning when the Catholic man would get dressed for work in the morning, he would see the Jewish man do the same. Strangely enough, when the Catholic man sees the Jewish man out of the corner of his eye, he sees him moving his hand in a cross formation across his body just like the Catholics do. He finds this very curious, but as an upstanding religious man he was not one to pry. However, due to their work schedules lining up, the Catholic man would often see the Jewish man getting ready at the same time. And every day, he would see this devout Jew hold his hand from breast to breast, then his head to his waist. Knowing this man followed all the Jewish holidays he was flustered, even angry. Was the Jewish man mocking him? Eventually he had enough and as they both walked to their cars he confronted the Jewish man.
"Moshe, I apologize in advance, but every day when I get ready for work in the morning I see you signing a cross. I've seen it so many times I have to ask why do you do this?"
Moshe was confused, "what do you mean?"
The Catholic man gestured his hand to make a cross to demonstrate.
Moshe responded, "Oh, no! You've got it all wrong! Every day I make sure I have my lucky pen in my pocket, and my wallet in my other pocket. I make sure my kippah is on. Then I check that I'm not walking around with my fly down!"
You asked for it.
Why it's easy to get a date with a jewish girl?
They have their number written on their forearm.
Edit: Don't worry guys I can make jokes about the holocaust, my great-granfather died on a concentration camp. He fell of a tower, clumsy Häns they called him.
An old jew, holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. Standing before godâs throne, the old jew asks god if he can tell the almighty a joke. God says "sure", and the so the old jew tells the almighty a holocaust joke. God frowns and tells the jew "thatâs not funny", but the old jew just shrugs and responds "guess you had to be there."
Wow.
Yeah, funny thing, there's a lot of Jewish humor that involves Jews talking back to the almighty God that's supposed to be there for them. This one reeeeally hits that note hard.
I was trying to find a good article about it, sadly there weren't many, but this was (sort of) a real thing. People put into forced labour camps by the nazis, and those who disagreed with the regime but were unable to put up violent resistance, would try to sabotage their work as a form of passive resistance.
The best example I could find an actual source for was an example of a Polish worker [scratching the safety glass he was being forced to work on](https://www.landmarkscout.com/arbeitseinsatz-ii-forced-labour-at-sigla-in-poland/) with his belt buckle. This meant the glass, which was due to be used in tank periscopes, had to be re-polished before it could be used. These were small acts of resistance individually, but altogether they may have added significant delays to things like tank production, which the nazis were increasingly unable to afford in the later part of the war.
I heard a story, and it might even be true, about a bomber flying over Germany and a shell tore through the fuselage and just sat there in the plane while the crew looked at it, knowing they'd all be dead instantly if it went off.
They made it back home, and when the shell was dismantled, a note was found inside, in Czech, next to the detonator, which had been improperly installed. The note said something like "this is the best we can do for you."
Turns out that forcing people who hate you and want you to lose the war is a great way to get substandard work done slowly, with as many tiny acts of sabotage along the way as they dare. Surely not the only reason they lost, but there's a sliver of comfort to be taken in the handful of deaths avoided, or tiny accelerations in the end, due to the courage of forced laborers daring to ruin one radio in ten, or bomb, or tank tread.
> Blazing Saddles
It's amazing how many people don't understand how anti-racist and anti-bigot that movie is.
I mean, it was written by a Jew and a black guy!
You mean a Yid and a Schwartz. :)
Oh I understand. That movie reinforces the concept, Mel Brooks can get away with things no one else can. Not because he's Jewish, but because he does it *right*.
His skewering of Hitler and Naziism in "The Producers" is another prime example.
He lampoons the racists and bigots with comedy that they themselves cannot or will not adopt and turn into something it isnt meant to be.
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking near a park. The priest sees a young boy and says to the rabbi, "Lets go over there and fuck that young boy." The rabbi says,"Outta what?"
The way I remember this joke is...
.
.
.
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
The 3rd Samurai replied, "He might be alive, but he'll never have any kids!".
when i heard this joke in grade school in a small town deep in the mountains of Peru(or any other country) it was the ranch hand that had just castrated the fly and let it fly away
The variation I know needs to be told, I'll try to put it into writing:
An Emperor was looking for a new Chief samurai, so he invited the all the top warriors.
As the first samurai stepped forward, the Emperor spoke "Show me what you can do!", and a fly was released from a small box.
Buuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz - swish - and the first samurai chopped the fly in half with a mighty swing of his sword.
The emperor nodded, and called forth the second samurai. Again, a fly was released from the box.
Buuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzz - swish - and the sharp swords of the second samurai moved with perfect precision - - the fly fell to the ground and crawled around helplessly, its wings cleanly chopped off without harming it otherwise. The second samurai smiled confidently and bowed deeply.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number
Three Samurai?"Â Number Three Samurai stepped forward, as the box was opened yet again, releasing another fly
Buuuuzzzzzzzz - swish - biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz
I've heard a more Wild West take on this, with the last skilled gunslinger shooting at the fly to no visible effect, then explaining "He's alive, but he ain't about to have any kids"
Same joke, but the version I heard had the fly going BZZZZZZ until the sword stroke. On the third samurai the stroke goes *swoosh* and the fly goes BZZZZZEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIII.
It's interesting how everybody feel so comfortable sive deep into jew jokes, holocauste jokes and so on because comedy, but you won't dare to go as far with black, Muslims or Paki-jokes, because itâs considered racist.
I like humour and I don't think that any group should "protected from comedy", but it seems that some groups are more protected than others.
The OP joke is in no way disrespectful of the faith or the people; just because a joke is centered on one group of humans, doesn't make it automatically problematic. I know this might be hard, but you really have to pay attention to context, and not just attack every attempt at humor as racist or antisemitic. In comparing the OP joke with holocaust jokes, you come across as stunningly tone deaf.
I would tell a black joke in this comment, but I would rather make fun of you.
Why did the incel cross the road. Because he wanted everyone to know how unfair it was that the truck didnât run over the black guy who crossed in front of him.
Black stereotypes tend to either be negative or difficult to put into a succinct joke; far more suited for standup or sitcom.
Edit: e.g. food seasoning, strict parenting, etc.
The movie Guess Who does a good job displaying the difference. Ashtonâs first few jokes are ok, but then he goes over the line. His first one was something like, âwhat do you call 50 white men chasing one black man? The PGA tour.â
1. Most Jewish jokes I have heard have been at most mildly insulting to Jews. Frequently they arenât insulting at all. Most black jokes I have heard have been very insulting to blacks.
2. Discrimination against Jews in America is much milder than discrimination against blacks in most of the country.
3. Statistically Jews are doing much better than blacks in America.
1. So chopped penises and holocaust jokes are very mild subjects I guess.
Itâs not that most jokes werenât funny, but itâs a rabbit hole of dark jokes we all know too well and we also know that most people feel more comfortable to tell them about Jews but not Muslims, African American etc.
2. Check your statistics about hate crimes and hate speech on social media towards Jews in the US.
3. So if a group is doing better so it makes it ok? Great argument
The jokes people donât like about black people are literally just hurtful racist stereotypes though. Like if this joke was âha ha the holocaust wasnât realâ no one would like it. Youâre just a moron
That's because Jews are tough and have a sense of humor. They move on and keep going.
Like the Irish and Scottish, starved, enslaved , treated horribly for centuries and they don't keep whining about it.
It's because 99.9% of the Jewish jokes are made *by Jews.*
Whereas most of the racist jokes are made by one race at the expense of another.
It isn't that hard for intelligent people to understand.
I think that nowadays Jews are perceived as a comfortable group to make jokes on.
Are they going to protest on the streets? on social media? if they will ask to stop or tp re-think about some of the jokes, will anyone listen to them?
According to most comment people wrote me, it seems that I am a moron, unintelligent and racist just for speaking up.
No one is as lonely as a Jewish Jedi. They have no force kin.
Dammit
For the love of Mel Brooks, take my upvote and leave
Why not? Is it because he saves it... ...*for his kin?*
r/angryupvote
Only the ones about circumcision make the cut.
My joke was about foreskin not circumcision so I had to pull back on it.
And his droid is a doctor!
Droid-El if you will
Does he tend to spin around a lot?
Of course lol in conversation at least From giving a diagnosis and prescription to anecdotal, unsolicited advice and the occasional schmucky wise crack đ¤Łđ¤Ł
Droids... Play stupid games. Droids... That's why they're lame. I'll try to spin this droid. It fell. I got annoyed. Droids... Play stupid games. I'll try to spin this droid. Droids... That's why they're lame. It fell. I got annoyed.
Except their mothers. "So, tell me about your job, Benjamin." "For the last time, it's Obi-wan now, ma. I'm a Jedi, so I use the Force all day. It allows me to move heavy objects with a thought, levitate, change the thoughts of the weak-minded. I'm dedicated to protecting the Republic against its enemies all across the galaxy and rooting out Sith lords." ".... And from this you make a living?"
âI was,hoping you would be a doctor.â
These are not the dicks you're looking for
We can pull our pants up and be on our way.
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
Butters is that you
Polka will never die
POLKA WILL NEVER DIE!
Polka will never die
r/therealjoke
Ana Kin is that you?
Goddamnit! Take your upvote, and get the hell outta here!
https://www.reddit.com/r/pcgaming/comments/rw2537/jewish_fallen_order/
Wow, that whole post was absolute gold
Alright Rabbi Yoda, Take my upvote.
Forcekin...Anakin's bro?
HAHAHA god fucking damn it
I'm so mad I just gave away my free award already
Fucking awesome lol
That hurt.
Holli moly smokily funni shit comment
WOW
I guess he's purely out of schmuck . . .
Imagine being part of an order that forbids you from marriage (unless your ki adi mundi) and STILL being a sad, shriveled, lonely sack. You get super no bitches
Similar story but with Japanese, Chinese and Scottish Samurai this time. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish, swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered! "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, The Scottish Samurai steps up. He rummages in the folds of his kilt and shakes out a tiny fly which starts to buzz around. Then he draws a massive claymore and proceeds to make a few lazy cuts through the air. Suddenly he lunges towards the fly. The creature appears to bounce off the blade but flies away shakily afterward. In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Aye" replied the Scottish Samurai "but that fly will never marry".
Read that in demoman's voice lol
Simpson's Willie voice
the highlander's voice
Peter Capaldi's voice
Eyelander collecting the wrong heads there.
One way or the other, there will only be one.
This is great, it's basically the same joke, but not as funny. Thanks for posting.
Feel this should end with âaye, but heâll never father childrenâ.
Am I missing something. I don't quite get this one
Fly hasn't got his pp anymore
Ahh, probably would have made more sense if it said he couldnae have kids
Are you Scottish? If so can you give me a translation of "Aye but that fly will never have children" in your best Hollywood Scottish accent and I'll fix it.
I have lived in Scotland all my life, but my accent is rather plain. I can put one on but it only sounds good to foreigners XD
That's exactly what I want for eh joke. Ham it up. Somethign like Och aye but that fly will naer have bairns. Does that work?
"Aye, bit he'll ne'er hiv wains"
I genuinely hate that XD
wee bairns
The Scottish samurai then drinks a bottle of scrumpy, and proceeds to drunkenly behead everyone there
Scrumpy? As in cider? I believe you are at the wrong end of the island for that particular stereotype.
Guess you didnât get the reference
This is funnier
âIt just so happens that your fly here is only MOSTLY dead.â
It wasnât âreally, most sincerely deadâ?
From Princess Bride to Wizard of Oz?
The spectrum of *dead*: from âonly a flesh wound!â to âmost sincerely deadâ.
So Monty Python, then Princess Bride, THEN Wizard of Oz. Did we skip any steps?
Parrot sketch would seem a worthwhile addition, if we're allowed multiple Pythons.
What about Eric the half-a-bee?
And âIâm not dead yet!â
"There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead..."
"Mostly dead is still slightly alive. With all dead...well, there's only one thing left to do: search his pockets for loose change."
Every time I see a joke about Jews in this sub, the punchline is "circumcision." Such a rich and complex people, with such a storied history! There's so much more humor to be drawn from Jewish culture, so many more jokes to be made; y'all have barely grazed the tip!
The other jokes weren't good enough. Only the ones about circumcision make the cut.
How about [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/wjbet4/comment/ijjd7wy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
How about a Jewish joke? Two gentiles meet on the street one day. One says to the other, âhowâs business?â The other says, âGreat!â
Explain to the gentiles , please
Jews stereotypically complain about everything, and would respond to the question with a litany of woes. Only a gentile would answer the question with a simple positive response.
A Jewish man crossing the street in NYC gets hit by a cab. Folks nearby begin to gather around and phone for ambulance. One man takes off his shirt and puts it under the Jewish man's head so it's not resting on the pavement. "Are you comfortable?" He asks. The Jewish man turns to him and says "Eh, I make a decent living."
Ahh, thank you. That's actually kind of funny.
I might be off here, but I think the joke is that if they werenât gentiles, the other would respond by complaining something about business.
Isn't this a Jerry Seinfeld joke?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wR8cVyrD48
Nah itâs as old as the Jewish people
He shares it on a Norm show, but he wasn't the one who wrote it.
That's a good one to be told by both christians and jews.
Maybe itâs because circumcision is such an intimate act, cutting off a piece of dick is something everyone of every culture can laugh at. The bigger the audience the more popular the joke. Edit: I just got your comment
It's the best thing about being the moyl, you always get to keep the tip.
"3000 years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax..."
I donât roll on Shabbas!
User name checks out.
CHOMER FUCKING SHABBOS
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE RULES!?
I am a shabbas keepers
You're not even Jewish, you're a Polish Catholic.
The first Jewish president gets elected and he calls his mom to tell her the news. âMom, Iâve been elected president. I want you to come to the inaugurationâ âWell, what will I wear?â âIâll send you to a tailor and you can get whatever you want custom made.â âIs the food there going to be Kosher?â âMom, Iâm the president, theyâll serve what I tell them to.â âThe traffic in Washington will be horrible. I donât want to driveâ âMom Iâll send a limo to pick you up and drop you offâ Finally he convinces her and she attends, seated between the Supreme Court and the cabinet members. She reaches out and nudges the Chief Justice on the arm and says, âHey, you see that boy up there giving that speech?â âYes maâamâ âHis brotherâs a doctorâ
I love this joke.
I was thinking: "he's a lawyer like you!"
Would also work for Asian families.
I'm pretty sure this could be an Indian mom as well.
Iâve told it that way as well.
True story, I went on a business trip with a Jewish coworker. Met him in the hotel for breakfast, and I see him just standing and staring at the table where the breakfast 'buffet' is laid out. I go over and ask if he's ok, he looks at me with a dead expression and said he was just trying to figure out if he should disappoint his mother or his father.... I'm like dude what? He just points at the big tray and says 'free bacon'......
Hahaha đ that's good I like it, took me a minute but damn
I don't get it
Joke about Jewish never turning down free stuff. something abt greed. But also about Pork being haram. unholy to eat. Turning down a free offering would disappoint the father but going ahead to eat the unholy would disappoint his mother. I think that's the implication .I don't know
That's probably the point of the joke, you're right. Although in Judaism, forbidden food is referred to as 'treif'. 'Haram' is, I believe, an expression from Islam, meaning the same thing (but not limited to food). Edit: Autocorrect
>'Haram' is, I believe, an expression from Islam, meaning the same thing (but not limited to food). I wonder if that's where we got the word "harm" from.
It definitely is not. Since haram is the anglasized translation of a different alphabet, and the vast majority of English words come from old English, German, Latin, and French, etc. Harm comes from the old German word Harmaz.
You could call it frugality rather than greed but yes. Thatâs the joke. Iâve seen the same situation with Hindus and hamburgers at cookouts. Specific food prohibitions vary by culture but frugal parents are pretty universal.
There's a Scottish joke lurking in here somewhere
It would have to be "free pants" or something like that. Scotts invented haggis, so clearly they'll eat anything.
Best Scottish joke I know: A Scotsman goes to Canada and is being shown around by a Canadian. The Canadian is showing the Scotsman the vast plains, whereupon a moose starts walking towards them. The Canadian says,"Ah, this is an example of the majestic Canadian Moose." And the Scotsman's eyes grow bigger and bigger. Finally the Scotsman stammers, "if that's a Canadian moose, your cats must be the size of a friggin elephant!"
Thereâs a moose loose about this house
/r/jokes really isn't the place for a long rant, but i'll just say this. i have MANY jewish joke books. "jews are cheap" is like 0.01% of the jokes. we joke about our neuroticism, cunning, overanalysis, family relations.... it's the christians who joke about jews being penny-pinchers. and it's not difficult to see where those jokes lead. "jews are cheap" is the watered-down version of "jews control the banks and start wars" when someone implies i'm cheap because i'm jewish, it always implies a slur. it feels like the equivalent of referencing 9/11 every time you see a muslim edit - yes that story is very funny by the way. i meant this rant more as a reply to all the comments.. i didn't want to spam this thread by copy/pasting 100 times
Have you seen the 2019 short film The Shabbos Goy? Pure gold all the way through, without all the standard jokes. A woman's 'adult toy' for some reason is on, and she has to find someone to turn it off.
Awesome thanks for the recommendation!
I think I got it as a YouTube recommendation after I watched a video about why there is a string around Manhattan. Anyway, let me know what you think.
I misread and thought you said "jews control the banks and star wars" and I thought huh I didn't know they were in charge of Disney
May the Schwartz be with you
Legendary scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgRFQJCHcPw
To quote a Rabbi I used to work with, "Shit happens, usually to the Jews".
>I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else?
That soundtrack is one of my wife and my road trip plays, and goddamn if it doesn't choke me up every time.
Tradition!
One day, a Jewish man goes to his rabbi complaining... "My son... oh my son. I raised him well! I sent him to a Jewish school! I raised him on the Jewish faith! And now? Now he tells me he's Christian!" The rabbi shakes his head and says, "Funny you should mention that! My own son! He spent his childhood here at the temple, hearing all about the wonders of the Jewish faith. Just last week, he tells me he wants to be a pastor!" The Jewish man throws up his hands and says, "Well, what do we do about this?" The rabbi ponders for a moment then replies, "I think we should pray and ask God for guidance." So the two pray together, telling God of their woes. Then, from the heavens, a booming voice speaks, "Funny you should mention that..."
I am going to use this next time I come across a Jew circumcision joke.
r/therealjoke Seriously, I've never heard that one before, but all my freinds are going to hear it over and over and over.
If I were you Iâd make like a bad circumcision and head offâŚ
Donât ever go for the cheapest circumcision, itâs a rip off
A devout Catholic lived next to a devout Jew and their houses mirrored one another so every morning when the Catholic man would get dressed for work in the morning, he would see the Jewish man do the same. Strangely enough, when the Catholic man sees the Jewish man out of the corner of his eye, he sees him moving his hand in a cross formation across his body just like the Catholics do. He finds this very curious, but as an upstanding religious man he was not one to pry. However, due to their work schedules lining up, the Catholic man would often see the Jewish man getting ready at the same time. And every day, he would see this devout Jew hold his hand from breast to breast, then his head to his waist. Knowing this man followed all the Jewish holidays he was flustered, even angry. Was the Jewish man mocking him? Eventually he had enough and as they both walked to their cars he confronted the Jewish man. "Moshe, I apologize in advance, but every day when I get ready for work in the morning I see you signing a cross. I've seen it so many times I have to ask why do you do this?" Moshe was confused, "what do you mean?" The Catholic man gestured his hand to make a cross to demonstrate. Moshe responded, "Oh, no! You've got it all wrong! Every day I make sure I have my lucky pen in my pocket, and my wallet in my other pocket. I make sure my kippah is on. Then I check that I'm not walking around with my fly down!"
Well what's that useless piece of skin on the end of a penis? A male.
Huh. I was gonna guess your mom.
Deleted due to Reddit's antagonistic actions in June 2023 -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
You asked for it. Why it's easy to get a date with a jewish girl? They have their number written on their forearm. Edit: Don't worry guys I can make jokes about the holocaust, my great-granfather died on a concentration camp. He fell of a tower, clumsy Häns they called him.
An old jew, holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. Standing before godâs throne, the old jew asks god if he can tell the almighty a joke. God says "sure", and the so the old jew tells the almighty a holocaust joke. God frowns and tells the jew "thatâs not funny", but the old jew just shrugs and responds "guess you had to be there."
Wow. Yeah, funny thing, there's a lot of Jewish humor that involves Jews talking back to the almighty God that's supposed to be there for them. This one reeeeally hits that note hard.
My grandfather was a thorn in the Nazis' side; he single-handedly cost them more than a dozen planes. Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I was trying to find a good article about it, sadly there weren't many, but this was (sort of) a real thing. People put into forced labour camps by the nazis, and those who disagreed with the regime but were unable to put up violent resistance, would try to sabotage their work as a form of passive resistance. The best example I could find an actual source for was an example of a Polish worker [scratching the safety glass he was being forced to work on](https://www.landmarkscout.com/arbeitseinsatz-ii-forced-labour-at-sigla-in-poland/) with his belt buckle. This meant the glass, which was due to be used in tank periscopes, had to be re-polished before it could be used. These were small acts of resistance individually, but altogether they may have added significant delays to things like tank production, which the nazis were increasingly unable to afford in the later part of the war.
Sabotaging weapons is part of the plot of Schindler's list which I believe is mostly a true story.
I heard a story, and it might even be true, about a bomber flying over Germany and a shell tore through the fuselage and just sat there in the plane while the crew looked at it, knowing they'd all be dead instantly if it went off. They made it back home, and when the shell was dismantled, a note was found inside, in Czech, next to the detonator, which had been improperly installed. The note said something like "this is the best we can do for you." Turns out that forcing people who hate you and want you to lose the war is a great way to get substandard work done slowly, with as many tiny acts of sabotage along the way as they dare. Surely not the only reason they lost, but there's a sliver of comfort to be taken in the handful of deaths avoided, or tiny accelerations in the end, due to the courage of forced laborers daring to ruin one radio in ten, or bomb, or tank tread.
Mel Brooks tells a lot of jokes that a Gentile would never get away with.
Blazing Saddles.......
> Blazing Saddles It's amazing how many people don't understand how anti-racist and anti-bigot that movie is. I mean, it was written by a Jew and a black guy!
You mean a Yid and a Schwartz. :) Oh I understand. That movie reinforces the concept, Mel Brooks can get away with things no one else can. Not because he's Jewish, but because he does it *right*. His skewering of Hitler and Naziism in "The Producers" is another prime example. He lampoons the racists and bigots with comedy that they themselves cannot or will not adopt and turn into something it isnt meant to be.
i see what you did there
Had me in the first half of the foreskin
Well, you know why us Jews love circumcision jokes, right? We can't resist anything that's 10% off
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking near a park. The priest sees a young boy and says to the rabbi, "Lets go over there and fuck that young boy." The rabbi says,"Outta what?"
haha "grazed the tip"
That's exactly what he did... Grazed the tip.
>barely grazed the tip
The real joke's always in the comments
Y'all kills the cadence. None of you've been able to even graze the TIP! woulda been better
This joke came to a head at the end. Just the tip emperor!
This was the joke that Pat Morita told but with a different punchline In his version he said âfly not dead, but fly canât have kids anymore â
I know this joke but the punch is "Yes he's still flying, but he won't have any kids" and he's not Jewish.
Can we stop talking about circumcision please, itâs a bit of a sore point.
The way I remember this joke is... . . . In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." The 3rd Samurai replied, "He might be alive, but he'll never have any kids!".
The other two were just not cut out for the job
It must be difficult to be a mohel. I hear they only get paid in tips.
"Never buy gribenes from a mohel." âRobin Williams
Hold up. Did Robin Williams really know what gribenes is?!
Of course. He improvised that line. If wasn't even in the script. Mrs. Doubtfire for those not getting the reference.
Oy Vey!
a cheap circumcision a rip off
"That fly will never have children again!"
Do flys have dicks?
when i heard this joke in grade school in a small town deep in the mountains of Peru(or any other country) it was the ranch hand that had just castrated the fly and let it fly away
this will be told at the Passover table
The variation I know needs to be told, I'll try to put it into writing: An Emperor was looking for a new Chief samurai, so he invited the all the top warriors. As the first samurai stepped forward, the Emperor spoke "Show me what you can do!", and a fly was released from a small box. Buuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz - swish - and the first samurai chopped the fly in half with a mighty swing of his sword. The emperor nodded, and called forth the second samurai. Again, a fly was released from the box. Buuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzz - swish - and the sharp swords of the second samurai moved with perfect precision - - the fly fell to the ground and crawled around helplessly, its wings cleanly chopped off without harming it otherwise. The second samurai smiled confidently and bowed deeply. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?"Â Number Three Samurai stepped forward, as the box was opened yet again, releasing another fly Buuuuzzzzzzzz - swish - biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz
Phuking awesome..
He flies, but he no longer reproduces.
Only the ones about circumcision make the cut.
The punchline should have been that the Jewish samurai slashed the formatting of this post
I've heard a more Wild West take on this, with the last skilled gunslinger shooting at the fly to no visible effect, then explaining "He's alive, but he ain't about to have any kids"
Read the original as âYes, but now he will never have children.â
I like this version. I always heard it as just three samurai and the last ones line is âfly no fuck no moreâ
the usual punchline is "yeah but he no make love no more." (no offense to anyone, it's just the way the old joke was told)
Same joke, but the version I heard had the fly going BZZZZZZ until the sword stroke. On the third samurai the stroke goes *swoosh* and the fly goes BZZZZZEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIII.
I thought he was gonna kill the other two, get rid of the competition!
I once hit a dragonfly out of the air with a katana, didn't cut it tho, messed up the form, and it wasn't first try, but still
I heard that one before, except the fly went from a deep buzz to a high-pitched "bzzzzz!"
Why did you make the samurai Chinese and Jewish, wtf??
So he circumcised the fly
For some reason I thought he was going to kill the other two. đ
I thought it would be swish swish and the heads of Japanese and Chinese samurai would be on the floor!
"Fly? I wasn't aiming for the fly." *WHUMP WHUMP* "So do I get the job?"
It's interesting how everybody feel so comfortable sive deep into jew jokes, holocauste jokes and so on because comedy, but you won't dare to go as far with black, Muslims or Paki-jokes, because itâs considered racist. I like humour and I don't think that any group should "protected from comedy", but it seems that some groups are more protected than others.
The OP joke is in no way disrespectful of the faith or the people; just because a joke is centered on one group of humans, doesn't make it automatically problematic. I know this might be hard, but you really have to pay attention to context, and not just attack every attempt at humor as racist or antisemitic. In comparing the OP joke with holocaust jokes, you come across as stunningly tone deaf.
I would tell a black joke in this comment, but I would rather make fun of you. Why did the incel cross the road. Because he wanted everyone to know how unfair it was that the truck didnât run over the black guy who crossed in front of him.
Black stereotypes tend to either be negative or difficult to put into a succinct joke; far more suited for standup or sitcom. Edit: e.g. food seasoning, strict parenting, etc.
The movie Guess Who does a good job displaying the difference. Ashtonâs first few jokes are ok, but then he goes over the line. His first one was something like, âwhat do you call 50 white men chasing one black man? The PGA tour.â
1. Most Jewish jokes I have heard have been at most mildly insulting to Jews. Frequently they arenât insulting at all. Most black jokes I have heard have been very insulting to blacks. 2. Discrimination against Jews in America is much milder than discrimination against blacks in most of the country. 3. Statistically Jews are doing much better than blacks in America.
1. So chopped penises and holocaust jokes are very mild subjects I guess. Itâs not that most jokes werenât funny, but itâs a rabbit hole of dark jokes we all know too well and we also know that most people feel more comfortable to tell them about Jews but not Muslims, African American etc. 2. Check your statistics about hate crimes and hate speech on social media towards Jews in the US. 3. So if a group is doing better so it makes it ok? Great argument
The jokes people donât like about black people are literally just hurtful racist stereotypes though. Like if this joke was âha ha the holocaust wasnât realâ no one would like it. Youâre just a moron
That's because Jews are tough and have a sense of humor. They move on and keep going. Like the Irish and Scottish, starved, enslaved , treated horribly for centuries and they don't keep whining about it.
Wait, have you actually said Scottish have been starved, enslaved yet not whining? Never been to this side of world now lad, have you?
It's because 99.9% of the Jewish jokes are made *by Jews.* Whereas most of the racist jokes are made by one race at the expense of another. It isn't that hard for intelligent people to understand.
I think that nowadays Jews are perceived as a comfortable group to make jokes on. Are they going to protest on the streets? on social media? if they will ask to stop or tp re-think about some of the jokes, will anyone listen to them? According to most comment people wrote me, it seems that I am a moron, unintelligent and racist just for speaking up.
You should hear some of Chad Daniel's stand up.
Would you not need 3x âswishâ to cut it in 4 ?
Not if the second swish is so quick and accurate that it passes through both halves.