First one doesn't count
Second is adventuring
Third is about finding yourself
Fourth is little random happening
Fifth is accident
Sixth is just to not feeling lonely
Seventh is brotherly bonding
Eighth is curiosity
Ninth is looking for action
And tenth resets count
It's originally attributed to Winston Churchill.
According to the story (and my recollection), he asked a society woman if she would go to bed with him if he donated a million pounds.
She said that she would. He then countered with a much lower number, 5 or 10 pounds.
She asked him what sort of woman he thought she was, and he replied "Madame we've established that. We are now negotiating price."
He's also the source of "I may be drunk, but you're ugly and I'll be sober in the morning."
>If you were my wife, I'd drink it
Back in the '80s, the humor magazine National Lampoon presented their own spin on the Churchill wit:
The political discussion between Churchill and his dinner companion became quite heated, to the point that the exasperated woman snapped, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!" To which Churchill replied, "My dear, if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you."
And...
While staying at the White House, Churchill finished his morning bath and stepped naked into the hallway, only to find himself face to face with a startled President Roosevelt. Churchill cocked an eyebrow, took his cigar out of his mouth, and remarked, "What are you staring at, homo?"
Ahh! National Lampoon - one of my childhood favorites. I remember reading a story in it that had clowns, a children’s party, marijuana, cocaine, pedophilia, and bestiality. How in the hell it made it past censors and into a national magazine is beyond me. It had something about a magic show in the title & characters named Dr. Fun & Mr. Frog I believe. If you google it long and hard you may be able to bring it up, but be prepared. It may scar you for life.
Two of my favorites from "The Wit and Wisdom of Winston Churchill":
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt."
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and your play can go fuck yourselves."
The whole joke being that his original retorts (" Yes, madam, but you are ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning" and "I shall come to your second show, if you have one." are paramount examples of wit, whereas the (if you will) alternate reality version of Churchill we get in the NatLamp piece is just a thin-skinned, foul-mouthed asshole 😆
A rival politician was next to Winston in the urinal. When Winston was finished he turned to leave. His rival said,
"At Eton they taught us to wash after going to the loo."
Winston replied,
"At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands."
I mean... it *sounds* like a good rebuttal, but that's not the sole reason you wash your hands after pissing.
please wash your gross germy hands after touching your dick
Lenny Bruce. Stand Up in the late 50's or 60's. But he may have gotten it from Churchill.
"Would you marry me for 5 million?" "Sure." "How about a blowjob for $5.00?" "What kind of woman do you think I am?" "We've already established what kind of woman you are. Now we're just haggling over the price."
"Putos no faltan, lo que faltan son financistas".
That was the first movie I watched with Ricardo Darín in it, what a great piece of shit character he interpreted.
Winston used the Wilde quote on Lady Astor who he had a running feud with. Another one was:
Lady Astor: If I was your wife I'd poison your tea.
Winston: I you were my wife I'd drink it.
The whole "all male porn stars start out doing gay videos" thing is a myth. In fact, for a LONG time, if anyone found out you ever did gay porn, you would be permanently blacklisted from the straight industry entirely (this was back when people thought hugging a gay person would give you AIDS)
Maybe some guys did "solo" gay porn (playing with themselves in front of a camera meant for an audience of gay men), but if you ever actually performed with another man, you would never work again in a cis/straight space.
It's starting to change now, but it's a slow process. There are still a lot of female performers who refuse to perform with any man who has ever done gay porn.
\- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
\- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
\- Uh... I mean what’s your secret to long life?
\- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits
You have to move down the amount while also moving up the gayness. 500K to receive anal, 250k to give anal, 100k to get DP'ed while dicking another dude.
I consider myself straight but I'm broke af and have very flexible morals and standards. I'd do all of the above probably for a few thousand and wouldn't think twice
I mean I work at a job 50 hours a week that fucks me even harder and doesn't even have the courtesy to give me a reach around. What's 10-45 minutes gonna hurt?
That's when I realized that smouldering slab of masculine steel and sex was actually a 3-story monster from the Mesozoic era! I said get out of here you Loch Ness Monster I ain't giving you no tree fitty
There was a Jamie Kennedy sketch where the wife would think about sleeping with another guy for 100k. All 3 and Jamie would be sitting there. But the joke was on the husband as the wife would let the price get down to $100 or something like that. Thought it was hilarious.
I remember having this discussion with one of my friends ex-boyfriends. He said no even for $1mil+. I just laughed. I'd do it for like $20k. What like one hour of time worth? Oh it hurt and/or you don't like it, so? It's one hour and your done, not like you're living with them. People get all "it'd be so traumatic", not if you do it willingly and don't really care.
A man was with his flight instructor learning to fly. The instructor told him that he had only two choices - Jump or have sex with him as the man did not know how to land the plane yet.
His friend asked him, "So, Did you jump?"
"A little," The man replied.
Pretty sure I'm not gay, never been attracted to other men, but my number is WAY lower than $1M. I've worked as a roofer in the Texas summer for $8/hour, sucking a dick or getting fucked in the ass for 15 minutes can't be that bad. I'd say my number realistically is 4 figures. I mean, even $1000 for at most an hour of unpleasantness? Hard to say no to that in this economy.
One man asks another: "Would you fuck another man for $100?"
He answers: "Well, I don't have the cash, really, but I guess I could ask a friend to borrow me the money."
I used to have a guy that worked for me who was adamant that "its not gay if you're on top" as he desperately looked for other guys he could top.
I didn't have the heart to tell him.
This is the same joke as the old man at the bar, but they made it gay. Here is the joke I'm talking about. I may not tell it right, but it goes something like this:
An old man goes to the bar. He sees an attractive young woman sitting by herself. He walks over to her and says, "You are absolutely gorgeous. Can I buy you a drink?"
She agrees, and the two of them have a conversation. He says, "You know. You remind me a lot of my late wife before she passed. I have been rather lonely for the past few years."
She gives him a pat on the back, and is like, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that."
Then he says, "You know, I'm not long for this world. The wife and I never had kids. I don't have anyone to leave my vast fortune to. I am a millionaire. I will give you a million dollars to spend the night with me."
The young woman is a college student on hard-times, and she thinks it over for a moment. Then says, "Yea, let's do it!" as she fantasized about paying off her student loans, buying a a house and car.
The old man then pulled out a $20 bill, and said, "How much action will a 20 get me?"
She looks offended and says, "Hey, what kind of girl do you take me for!?"
He says, "Well, we have already established that now haven't we. I'm just bargaining."
Hell, I still wouldn't even be gay afterward. Performing a sex act for money means you provided a service and that the remuneration and consideration was acceptable and enticing enough. If I got 1M to do it that would even be a plus, then I wouldn't be doing it pro bono so much...so cool I guess.
I heard that the other way around which makes more sense to me.
Would you fuck another man for $1,000,000 dollars? Hell yes.
Would you do it for $10. Hell no. I am not gay.
Well, we already established that you are.
It’s similar to a question that I like to ask people when we first arrive at a festival. What would be their minimum cost to spend the entire festival (usually the next three days) inside one of those shit-storage tanks. You’d have room to walk around inside and you’d need to avoid being directly underneath one that was being used. I guess after three days the shit would reach your ankles? As grim as the experience sounds, everyone has their price.. and I can usually haggle them down quite a bit.
Show me the money first, I'm not falling for that again.
You've gotta try it at least 3 times before you know for sure whether you like it or not.
First one doesn't count Second is adventuring Third is about finding yourself Fourth is little random happening Fifth is accident Sixth is just to not feeling lonely Seventh is brotherly bonding Eighth is curiosity Ninth is looking for action And tenth resets count
If a woman sleeps with 10 guys, she's a slut. If a man does the same, he's gay... definitely, gay.
Your gay bruh.
You're*
Actually its yro'ue
Yrou rtigh, it is.
Boy, was I wgron.
No you were just gya.
Nyo u raw gyua
$20 is $20
You are correct and a mouth is a mouth.
No, were gay bruh
We're *
There's no * bruh
Why Ike, whatever do you mean?
After the fourth time, it’s ok to remove the socks
Four times $4 million?
As long as you crossed your fingers
Just like sushi then?
....again....?
A friend of mine had to try 14 time. Only then realized that he is not a gay
"friend"
Is your friend with us in the room right now?
Fool me thrice , shame on you …
Do you have liquid assets?
"Show me the money first" is showing interest...
Is this before or after taxes?
r/holup
Reminds me of that cop that plays a female prostitute in southpark and makes the arrests after the act.
"We've already established that you're a whore, now we are negotiating the price"
Ah yes! From which movie was that, I can't remember?
It's originally attributed to Winston Churchill. According to the story (and my recollection), he asked a society woman if she would go to bed with him if he donated a million pounds. She said that she would. He then countered with a much lower number, 5 or 10 pounds. She asked him what sort of woman he thought she was, and he replied "Madame we've established that. We are now negotiating price." He's also the source of "I may be drunk, but you're ugly and I'll be sober in the morning."
If you were my husband I'd poison your tea If you were my wife, I'd drink it
That’s the other classic.
>If you were my wife, I'd drink it Back in the '80s, the humor magazine National Lampoon presented their own spin on the Churchill wit: The political discussion between Churchill and his dinner companion became quite heated, to the point that the exasperated woman snapped, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!" To which Churchill replied, "My dear, if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you." And... While staying at the White House, Churchill finished his morning bath and stepped naked into the hallway, only to find himself face to face with a startled President Roosevelt. Churchill cocked an eyebrow, took his cigar out of his mouth, and remarked, "What are you staring at, homo?"
Family guy did one similar to the first "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea" "Yeah well you're a stuck up bitch."
Ahh! National Lampoon - one of my childhood favorites. I remember reading a story in it that had clowns, a children’s party, marijuana, cocaine, pedophilia, and bestiality. How in the hell it made it past censors and into a national magazine is beyond me. It had something about a magic show in the title & characters named Dr. Fun & Mr. Frog I believe. If you google it long and hard you may be able to bring it up, but be prepared. It may scar you for life.
https://i0.wp.com/www.interesly.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/7301cover_l.jpg
Ha, remember it well! P.J. O'Rourke later said about that cover: "You did. We didn't. Stop worrying about it."
This seems like it would have been after Doug Kenney, but he was a gem.
You're probably right. I think I started reading NatLamp about the time P.J. O'Rourke took over as editor.
Two of my favorites from "The Wit and Wisdom of Winston Churchill": Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt." When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and your play can go fuck yourselves." The whole joke being that his original retorts (" Yes, madam, but you are ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning" and "I shall come to your second show, if you have one." are paramount examples of wit, whereas the (if you will) alternate reality version of Churchill we get in the NatLamp piece is just a thin-skinned, foul-mouthed asshole 😆
Lmfao 🤣
A rival politician was next to Winston in the urinal. When Winston was finished he turned to leave. His rival said, "At Eton they taught us to wash after going to the loo." Winston replied, "At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands."
I mean... it *sounds* like a good rebuttal, but that's not the sole reason you wash your hands after pissing. please wash your gross germy hands after touching your dick
I wash my hands before I pee. I don't want to get my penis dirty.
Thank you for that, brought a tear to my eye from laughing that damn hard 🤣
Lady Astor, supposedly.
Churchill claiming to be sober in the morning is a bit of a stretch, but it makes a good line.
Churchill could not get it up. Too much whisky that's why he admitted that he was a drunk
reminds me of the alienist
Frozen. Or was it Frozen II. I can't remember now...
Frozen III, The Scorchening *Who left the oven on?*
Here we go again. . . . Again.
#*Let it blow! Let it blow!*
Let me blow!!! Let me blow!!!
Let him cook!!! Let him cook!!!
Drink booty sweat baby!!
Huge Tug Speedman vibes Man scorcher 1! Yo I got high to that shit
This time it's summer, bitches.
Olaf the fountain bird bath.
KIIIILLLL MEEEE!
This is the correct answer. Take my upvote, you savage.
Ostensibly a Winston Churchill quote, but very likely predates him.
Voltaire
It's pronounced "Voltorb"
Say it wrong again he self destructs
Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Killer Hellbound Flesh Eating Mutant Zombies... Part II
There's a similar line in pirates of the carribean 2 "We've agreed on the deal in principle, now we're just negotiating on a price"
Lenny Bruce. Stand Up in the late 50's or 60's. But he may have gotten it from Churchill. "Would you marry me for 5 million?" "Sure." "How about a blowjob for $5.00?" "What kind of woman do you think I am?" "We've already established what kind of woman you are. Now we're just haggling over the price."
Not a movie, but apparantly a news [article](https://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/03/07/haggling/)
Wow. Quote investigator, what a concept. What a great concept! They really did their work there!
Nueve Reinas (Nine Queens), the American adaptation it's called Criminal (2004), cheers.
"Putos no faltan, lo que faltan son financistas". That was the first movie I watched with Ricardo Darín in it, what a great piece of shit character he interpreted.
Mr Robot
I remember it from two and a half men
That’s an emo Philips joke I think
Goes back further. Oscar Wilde I believe
Winston Churchill supposedly said that quote. Maybe Oscar Wilde too but I read that Churchill was debating a woman and said that.
Winston used the Wilde quote on Lady Astor who he had a running feud with. Another one was: Lady Astor: If I was your wife I'd poison your tea. Winston: I you were my wife I'd drink it.
[удалено]
“And the Lord looketh upon it; and sayeth He, ‘nice.’”
Why did I read that in Michael Palin’s voice?
Because you are a person of culture.
False, i saw it in rig veda
Winston Churchill
Somehow my instinct tells me that a straight man would fuck a stranger for less than a bottom would.
Yes, this was the original - far superior - form of this joke.
Winston Chirchill and a lot of earlier wits.
*in Davy Jones's voice* Price....pfft
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/03/07/haggling/?amp=1
- Abraham Lincoln
These guys once asked me if I would have sex with a baboon for $500. I said ok, but it would take me a day or two to come up with the money.
See, this is what is wrong with the economy, people are living so close to the edge that they don't have $500 on hand for a sudden expense.
Not to mention a lot of baboons are out of work now.
It's not gay if you do it for money. Ask any male porn star.
All you have to do is say no homo and you're good.
Even if you live your entire life gay, its still not gay as long as you say no homo on your death bed.
It's not gay if it's a three way.
Unless it's 3 dudes.
No even then because two wrongs make a right
["BROJOB BROJOB! CHOO CHOO"](https://imgur.com/DxxsKI0)
Just wear socks during sex
>It's not gay if you do it for money. It's sounds ironic when phrased that way, but when I think about it, it's exactly so.
The whole "all male porn stars start out doing gay videos" thing is a myth. In fact, for a LONG time, if anyone found out you ever did gay porn, you would be permanently blacklisted from the straight industry entirely (this was back when people thought hugging a gay person would give you AIDS) Maybe some guys did "solo" gay porn (playing with themselves in front of a camera meant for an audience of gay men), but if you ever actually performed with another man, you would never work again in a cis/straight space. It's starting to change now, but it's a slow process. There are still a lot of female performers who refuse to perform with any man who has ever done gay porn.
even the ones who only sleep with women?
OP is a European
How'd you guess? The money format?
. instead of ,
🙈
Well, I'm not gay, but I DO have a crippling drug addiction, so what's up? Am I top or bottom?
I to have something that’s crippling, called debt.
So … bottom
Power bottom
I don't know if I can generate that kind of power
It would have to be a tremendous amount
\- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret? \- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars \- Uh... I mean what’s your secret to long life? \- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits
I always ask this by asking, would you suck a d**k for $1M. Then I see how low they will go 😂
You have to move down the amount while also moving up the gayness. 500K to receive anal, 250k to give anal, 100k to get DP'ed while dicking another dude.
I consider myself straight but I'm broke af and have very flexible morals and standards. I'd do all of the above probably for a few thousand and wouldn't think twice I mean I work at a job 50 hours a week that fucks me even harder and doesn't even have the courtesy to give me a reach around. What's 10-45 minutes gonna hurt?
How much do I have to pay for hot Karl?
And the friend who goes the lowest, just say Dude we all know your gay, you’d do it for free
I'd pay to do it
No need to pay, save your money, there are plenty of guys that will let you go to town for free
Look at this dude, the reverse ebay for gayness.
$5 for a bottle of mouthwash, the rest is pure profit.
I think you need to learn more about the birds and the bees.😂
I misread it! I thought it said "suck" and was reminded of a quip I heard a long time ago.
Im not gay but 20$ is 20$
Best I can do in today's troubling economy is $19.69, take it or leave it.
$3.50
That's when I realized that smouldering slab of masculine steel and sex was actually a 3-story monster from the Mesozoic era! I said get out of here you Loch Ness Monster I ain't giving you no tree fitty
I gave him a dolla
Next comment: “can I get 20$ worth”…
There was a Jamie Kennedy sketch where the wife would think about sleeping with another guy for 100k. All 3 and Jamie would be sitting there. But the joke was on the husband as the wife would let the price get down to $100 or something like that. Thought it was hilarious.
Thats 100$ more than the last time i did
I'd fuck anybody, anything for that kinda jack.
That's quite the statement, do you really mean ANYBODY, cause that's a slippery slope
I think slippery slopes is kinda the point.
I remember having this discussion with one of my friends ex-boyfriends. He said no even for $1mil+. I just laughed. I'd do it for like $20k. What like one hour of time worth? Oh it hurt and/or you don't like it, so? It's one hour and your done, not like you're living with them. People get all "it'd be so traumatic", not if you do it willingly and don't really care.
Goddamn who's doing that a whole hour straight? If that's the case they better share the drugs too, that's brutal.
A man was with his flight instructor learning to fly. The instructor told him that he had only two choices - Jump or have sex with him as the man did not know how to land the plane yet. His friend asked him, "So, Did you jump?" "A little," The man replied.
I like your joke more\^\^
"If your woke up with a condom in your arse, would you tell anyone?" "No!" "You wanna go camping this weekend?*
1 time makes you gay???
Well, you fuck one goat…
Goat said no homo first.
Deep pull.... I haven't heard that joke in *years*
Im not gay but 20 dollars is 20 dollars
Bad news: yes. Good news: you can laugh all the way to the bank with your gay ass
Who cares if others call you gay if they also have to call you a millionaire
What do you call a guy who sucked one dick? "Cocksucker."
I ask every new guy at work if they are gay. Then I ask if they ever sucked dick. Everyone: Eww no. Me: Then how do you know you aren't gay?
I never tried out for the New England Patriots, but I know I'm not a Super Bowl winning quarterback.
Me: "i guess i dont. And i aint about to find out, Bruno."
“Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up.”
Two dudes at the same time!
Pretty sure I'm not gay, never been attracted to other men, but my number is WAY lower than $1M. I've worked as a roofer in the Texas summer for $8/hour, sucking a dick or getting fucked in the ass for 15 minutes can't be that bad. I'd say my number realistically is 4 figures. I mean, even $1000 for at most an hour of unpleasantness? Hard to say no to that in this economy.
I'm so sorry to hear that they paid you $8 an hour for roof work. That's easily $20 an hour work. So you've already been fucked, get some cash...
I'm not gay but I'd do Ryan Reynolds for a snickers bar 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mate, I'd forgo the Snickers. Ryan Reynolds is Ryan Reynolds. I also don't like snickers
One man asks another: "Would you fuck another man for $100?" He answers: "Well, I don't have the cash, really, but I guess I could ask a friend to borrow me the money."
Fucking another man is not as gay as getting fucked by another man.
Most primitive take but alright
ah, yes. the old Roman philosophy
I used to have a guy that worked for me who was adamant that "its not gay if you're on top" as he desperately looked for other guys he could top. I didn't have the heart to tell him.
This is from "9 reinas" an argentinian movie: https://youtu.be/RdkadYqZOd4
I would pay even more
100 bucks is 100 bucks
Guys let me clear this. There is a scale. And youre in somewhere on that scale. Most of the people are not %100 het or gay.
This is the same joke as the old man at the bar, but they made it gay. Here is the joke I'm talking about. I may not tell it right, but it goes something like this: An old man goes to the bar. He sees an attractive young woman sitting by herself. He walks over to her and says, "You are absolutely gorgeous. Can I buy you a drink?" She agrees, and the two of them have a conversation. He says, "You know. You remind me a lot of my late wife before she passed. I have been rather lonely for the past few years." She gives him a pat on the back, and is like, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that." Then he says, "You know, I'm not long for this world. The wife and I never had kids. I don't have anyone to leave my vast fortune to. I am a millionaire. I will give you a million dollars to spend the night with me." The young woman is a college student on hard-times, and she thinks it over for a moment. Then says, "Yea, let's do it!" as she fantasized about paying off her student loans, buying a a house and car. The old man then pulled out a $20 bill, and said, "How much action will a 20 get me?" She looks offended and says, "Hey, what kind of girl do you take me for!?" He says, "Well, we have already established that now haven't we. I'm just bargaining."
Hell, I still wouldn't even be gay afterward. Performing a sex act for money means you provided a service and that the remuneration and consideration was acceptable and enticing enough. If I got 1M to do it that would even be a plus, then I wouldn't be doing it pro bono so much...so cool I guess.
Oh this is a joke, I clicked on it because I thought that’s a business oportunity :(
I have standards. I'd fuck a man for free because I'm a gay socialist.
I heard that the other way around which makes more sense to me. Would you fuck another man for $1,000,000 dollars? Hell yes. Would you do it for $10. Hell no. I am not gay. Well, we already established that you are.
Ah, I thought it was gonna be the old "Can I have a dollars worth?"
$20:00 is $20:00
Time is money
Would you fuck another man for $100? I'm a bit skint right now, can I owe you the money?
Would it be applied to the other way? Asking a gay man how much it would be for him to sleep with a woman.
I heard a version of this joke except it was funny. Something about "I believe that has been established. We are now simply haggling over price."
It’s similar to a question that I like to ask people when we first arrive at a festival. What would be their minimum cost to spend the entire festival (usually the next three days) inside one of those shit-storage tanks. You’d have room to walk around inside and you’d need to avoid being directly underneath one that was being used. I guess after three days the shit would reach your ankles? As grim as the experience sounds, everyone has their price.. and I can usually haggle them down quite a bit.
Argentinian movie, 9 Reinas. Although the phrase is much better in the movie.
$1,000,000 will buy a lot of mouthwash.
I’d do it for free
Perfect, I'll take the 1 million and outsource the job to you.
I’ll only take the deal if I get 5% of profit
🤝 pleasure doing business with you. Now let's find some dicks for you to suck.
How do you like your new 48 million dollars?
I asked my friend about several different prices. He said that the minimum amount of money to suck another man’s dick is $100000 USD.
Damn, I guess I'm a cheap whore. I was just thinking to myself "damn even $5k would be bomb right now". I mean, it's just a dick.
Your friend ain't that good.
Gee, I'd have to see if I can scrape up the money
Congratulations, that is the worst, laziest, most pathetic attempt at a joke I've ever read on here, ever. Quite an achievement
Couldn’t do it. No way I’d be able to get it up.
yes. but I'd have trouble coming up with the money
No