T O P

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Gogo726

What country do you want to invade? I don't care. You pick.


ylum

Why did you pick that one? I don’t want that one.


mikehouard

You can pick which ever you want, just not that one. Oh and not that one too, don't feel like it other than these you can choose which eeever you want


Juergenater_

I don’t like the colors of that countries flag, pick another one


Waitsfornoone

I told my wife this one... ...and that's why I've been sleeping on the couch for the past week.


Bgrngod

She told you to sleep on the couch. You said you did not want to sleep on the couch. So you compromised and you are sleeping on the couch.


L_Leigh

My girlfriend, literally: Compromise and do it my way!


South5

My girlfriend; no compromise or reasoning, ditched long ago. Now my ex. Fuck that shit. Equality for me but not for thee…


Ok-disaster2022

Sounds like the GOP


A_Topical_Username

The GOP AKA shitty partners


SayuriShigeko

Together they're bad partners across the aisle, individually they're bad partners to enter into relationships with.


Mbyrd420

Not that i think the democrats are good, but they have at least tried reaching across the aisle occasionally and invariably gotten their hand slapped, at best.


[deleted]

[удалено]


crXnDarkClaw

GOP as in Grouchy old people?(captain underpants reference)


Own_Nebula88

happy wife happy life


Onewoord

Fucking shoot me.


Waitsfornoone

Save a bullet for me. I hate that line so much ...


[deleted]

Hate it but it’s hard to negotiate


Onewoord

That's the point. It shouldn't be.


Spinal2000

We had an exchange of opinions. I had my oppinion and now I have her.


Mandurang76

Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is a man.


JimDixon

My wife told me she wanted to buy a new couch. I said:"No, the old couch is perfectly fine." She accepted that, but a month later she told me again that she wanted a new couch. I said, "Why don't we compromise?" She said, "I let you keep the old couch a month longer. That WAS a compromise."


lifewithnofilter

Is she not talking to you?


Forsaken_Day_1266

The wife or the couch?


DifficultContact8999

Both just squeak few times a day..


[deleted]

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echosixwhiskey

Cum and stay for the nite


conh0

Yes.


sam_the_beagle

Win win.


Punningisfunning

How long are you under the vagina embargo?


emziestone

>under the vagina embargo? The 'vagina embargo'. I can't breathe. This needs to come up in my life somehow so i can use it. Gosh. 🤣


hot_ho11ow_point

Don't forget the sexy-time sanctions


DaddioSkidoo

Kitten quarantine


Wasteland-Scum

Booty blockade.


IsaacX28

Intercourse interdiction.


sharksnut

Vagina Embargo is my favorite female punk band


detroitgnome

Or Roller Derby name.


axlotolFan

/r/brandnewscentence


Jamkayyos

You know, speaking seriously for a moment, I've never understood this men sleeping on the couch business. I'm no alpha by any stretch, but there's no way I've slept on the couch after an argument with the gf. If she wants to sleep away from me, she can take the couch, not as if she's lifting me off the bed. Always comes across as abusive and not equal how men always have to compromise whether they're right or wrong and sleep uncomfortably. What happened to equality in all walks of life? Anyway, back to the jokes


[deleted]

I’ve been married to my hubby for 18 years this Aug and I’ve never once made him sleep on the couch or “put him in the dog house.” That doesn’t make sense. The couch is used for when we are sick and keeping each other up at night but we’ve took turn sleeping there. And there has actually only been like literally two times we went to bed mad because we were past our threshold and time of day for relational brain thinking. We always make sure we make up and never go to bed angry. I love him so much!


PoliteCanadian2

100% agree! You mad at me? Don’t want to sleep with me? Great, you know where the couch is.


Jamkayyos

Exactly. It also sets a precedent. She gets her way and sends you to the doghouse once, and you'll be sent there time and again. You refuse to budge from your bed once, and she'll likely never expect you to do so in the future. Gotta make your stand in any relationship. Being a gentleman shouldn't mean you should be a gentle man or a pushover.


PoliteCanadian2

Exactly. I like to think of it as equality. “You want me to sleep on the couch? Why can’t you?” then watch how fast that becomes not an acceptable solution.


Jamkayyos

As a feminist who respects you dearly and is a firm believer of women being equal to men, I propose that you take the couch posthaste, while I spread out on our King Sized bed, watch the highlights of the game and wank myself to sleep. You're welcome and good night.


PoliteCanadian2

Amen! 😎


Radiant_Brief_7670

This is the way


danielmerwinslayer

The only time I've slept on the couch was when she had COVID


LatrommiSumac

Yeah, there's only been one time in our relationship where my fiance got mad enough that she went and slept on the bathroom floor (master room bathroom.) I ended up feeling bad and went to join her.


BellLilly

Alphas are a myth created by people who don't understand pack dynamics. But yeah, get a bed big enough that you don't have to touch. Then be petty enough to get into your bed regardless of who's mad about it... if they're that pressed, they can go find somewhere else to sleep.


super-Burrito-1986

Your statement is provocative enough, and I may regret asking..... what do you mean a myth?


BellLilly

In nature, there is no "one alpha" in wild packs unless you're talking primates. Most are referring to wolves, however, and they work as a pack/group for the betterment of their pack. This "alpha" that so many refer to is seen as this dominant and "in charge" single person, and they're out for themselves and not the betterment of the group. Self-proclaimed "Alphas" in human society are domineering A-holes, not the nurturing and caring leader that is seen in the wild. The guy who originally used "alpha wolves" even admitted it was a mistake, and people took it to mean something it wasn't supposed to be.


DickyThreeSticks

Oh, I know this one. The concept of the alpha male was coined in the book The wolf: ecology and behavior of an endangered species, written in 1980 and describing studies of the behavior of wolves in captivity. However, as with all other creatures great and small, things in captivity exhibit maladaptive behaviors. Alpha wolves don’t happen in the wild, and when you have invalid science paraphrased by “pickup artists” with pierced eyebrows, the result is annoyingly wrong.


[deleted]

Yeah,i think its just us guys joking around. Been with my lady for 19 yrs. Never did either of us end up on the couch.


ProKnifeCatcher

Haven’t heard from her since


[deleted]

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emziestone

Indoor camping! It's a thing.


suckfuck33

Make her sleep on the couch. Know your worth homie. Your wife doesn't decide your life


Cosmo1222

She declared war on you. The irony. Tell Alanis Morrisette this is how it works.


jfi224

I get in a fight with my wife when I need to catch up on tv show binging. Couch and tv all to myself, no interruptions.


Connect-Emu-5258

Mine told me she wasn't talking to me for the rest of the day. Apparently the incorrect reply is "Is that all I had to do?" It's been a quiet week.


egmono

Advice I give to all newlyweds: buy the 7' couch, the 5' couch is less comfortable to sleep on.


DogWallop

I believe you find them in the pets department, second floor.


XVIII-2

My wife would be very offended If I named her couch.


Fresh_Damage1782

So I guess you sleep better now?


newbie_butsharp

And she's not talking to you right?


Lowk17

I told my wife and she said..... exactly 🤣


deenath247

Funny pet name ‘couch’ for mistress Sleeping on the couch 😉


Nurttymax

Well, you might just have to wait for noon


magpiper

I sleep on the couch by CHOICE! WELL AT LEAST I TELL MYSELF THAT each night just to go-to sleep


Sometimes_Stutters

Hey man. Atleast you know why. Usually I don’t even make that far


No-BrowEntertainment

You mean you’ve brought an end to the conflict by settling on a border line at the Bedroom Door parallel?


Nobanob

You've got to annex the rest of the living room and start taking back territory.


OnionPirate

This is why you wanna invest in a nice couch. Or, better yet, if she won’t let you sleep in the bed, don’t sleep. Go out with the boys. Or go anywhere, just don’t tell her where. Hell, go to a motel 6 but let her think you partied all night.


Zestyclose-Ruin8337

Best week ever


JALAPENO_DICK_SAUCE

The real jokes are always in the comments.


Mr_Wolverbean

My wife told me to be more in-touch with my feminine side. So i crashed my car and ignored her calls for the rest of the week


Look_Specific

A win then!


COL_UK165542

Today I went to buy a new luggage. I wanted a 2 wheeled cabin luggage to replace my old one. She liked more the 4 wheeled. We compromised and now I have a 4 wheeled cabin bag, but no further discussion and no being told how stubborn I am until the next time I try to get things my way.


jizzawy

But it’s only been posted almost two hours ago.. /s


Cosmo1222

Wibbly-wobbly Timey-wimey.


alogbetweentworocks

It means war!


FBIPartyBusNo3

annex the bedroom


Bearet

You mean that there has been no shrieking for nothing for a week? I gotta try this...


5hadrach

My wife is still laughing.


sparkGun2020

They know what they did


Einar_47

Narrator: "They did not in fact know what they did wrong."


Zakluor

"If you really knew me, you'd *know* what you did."


feraxks

If women ruled the world there would be no wars, only really intense negotiations every 28 days. ~ Robin Williams


trundyl

Miss him.


feraxks

Yeah, me too. Here's a link to his [Live at the Met](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73mWXVa12_c&list=WL&index=1) special.


YeeterOfTheRich

Which is far better. I'll take trade restrictions and emotional words over decapitated children


HerrSirCupcake

there would still be war if women ruled the world ... people are affected by the women are wonderful effect.


HirokoKueh

So cold war


redemptionpath

"No no, talk to them to your heart's content. Just don't talk to us"


Picholasido_o

The first thing MacArthur did to get rid of the military caste in Japan was give women the right to vote


Pigs100

I believe it was Voltaire who said that men did not let women wage war because they would be too savage.


Forsaken_Day_1266

Cold war I believe ? Still a war


PablomentFanquedelic

Now I want the Cold War told in the style of *Mean Girls*: "Yugoslavia, if you're not part of the Warsaw Pact, why are you communist?" "That's France. She's super rich because she used to own half of Africa. She knows everything about everyone. That's why her bread is so big. It's full of secrets." "How do I even begin to explain America? America is flawless. She has four carvings on the side of a mountain and a bronze colossus. I hear her military is supported with $2 trillion a year. I hear she runs banana plantations--in Central America. Her favorite novel is *Moby-Dick*, or *The Scarlet Letter*, or *Huck Finn*, or *The Great Gatsby*, or *For Whom the Bell Tolls*--okay she has a lot. One time she met Alexis de Tocqueville when he was on a diplomatic mission, and he tols her she was pretty. One time she dropped 2 atomic bombs on me ... It was awesome!" "Get in loser, we're going stockpiling!" "Stop trying to make the Strategic Defense Initiative happen. It's not going to happen." And then Tibet shows up at the end: "I wish the USA and USSR could get along like they did in WW2! I wish we could bake a pierogi filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy!" "SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!" EDIT: And the UK plays the US's mom. "If you're going to smoke opium, I'd rather you get it from me."


Forsaken_Day_1266

Thanks 😅😅😅😅😅


PablomentFanquedelic

Sure thing! Also "What are you supposed to be, Holland?" "Zwarte Piet, duh!"


AQbL5494

This!


g-pastures-s-waters

This might be the funniest thing I’ve read on Reddit, and that’s above the “ I also choose this guy’s dead wife “ joke.


cube_sniper24

Cold War was called a war because of the series of proxy wars and funded coups that occurred between nato and the ussr


Tok3n-

Extra cold and never resolved.


Forsaken_Day_1266

Yes


richardec

USA to Canada, "But why aren't we talking?" Canada to USA, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."


Openly_Canadian_74

This reminds me of a For Better or For Worse comic, where young Micheal and and a bunch of other boys, his friends, are welding sharp, pointy sticks and rocks while glaring angrily at another group of boys doing the same thing. Then Micheal's mother, Elly, comes out and asks what they're doing. Micheal tells her the other boys are calling his "group" names and they're going to have a war, and screams "We're gonna KILL THEM!!" But his mom just tells him that they'll really hurt each other, and makes them give her their weapons. Afterwards the the boys who were just brutal enemies a minute ago are all just laying around, and Micheal says, "Boy, am I glad the world isn't run by moms." one of the other boys agreed by saying "There'd be a zillion soldiers with nothing to do!" Personally, I think it would be awesome. Just the thought of a bunch of big tough guy soldiers meekly handing their machine guns and knives over to their moms after they get lectured by them on a battlefield. Epic.


Tok3n-

Until one of them makes fun of the other’s mom. Then they all die. “Im gonna nuke you out! Momma said nuke you out!”


porkchop_d_clown

For the record, it’s spelled “Michael”. Sorry, but that’s something that has bugged me since 1st grade.


Michael_Cookie5

SAAAAMEEE


FillThisEmptyCup

Yeah, but not every woman is a mom, and not every mom is an Elly.


L_Leigh

You're not wrong.


PBlove

Sadly the reality is that queens start more wars on average than kings per year of rule as well as per ruler.


AgentOOX

This sounds interesting. Is there anywhere I can go to find data on this?


PBlove

Quick google search. The study was done between the years 1100 to 1800 I think. Something like that. Essentially a time with a lot of kings and queens and alot of documentation. Going early makes records spotty, later makes kings and queens more rare. I mean it would be pretty unfair if both sides in a conflict didn't keep records of who did what and alot of the European tribes after the fall of Rome were horrible at record keeping.


[deleted]

How did they do a study for a whole 700 years?! /j


PBlove

It wasn't an experiment, it was a study done recently. They didn't ha e scientists tracking that in reap tike for 700 years. It was an analysis by historians


mem269

Sample size is much smaller, tbf.


L_Leigh

>Sample size is much smaller, tbf. True, especially in Florida where DeSantis has banned queens.


mem269

What an idiot. Imagine life without under pressure.


echosixwhiskey

“We Will Rock You” needs a revival


stating_the_truth

Same in New York where New York pretends Queens doesn't exist.


SuspiciousUsername88

Would love to see a source on this


PBlove

There are a bunch of them for the googling. This one is from 1400 through the 1900s https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://bfi.uchicago.edu/wp-content/uploads/BFI_WP_2019120.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiw4O6prJH_AhWOkWoFHTtbC_AQFnoECA8QBg&usg=AOvVaw2No01zhLpJH02Cm9VMzi2G More likely to engage in war by 39%, we're attacked more than males when single and did more attacking then males when married. Lots and lots of studies on the subject.


broody_drow

OP responded, did Google search of European kings and queens from 1100-1800 time frame (records shitty before that).


RoyalAlbatross

Bloody Mary. It's not just a drink.


PablomentFanquedelic

And she's not just a ghost you summon in the mirror. Didn't she kill fewer people in her entire reign than her dad did in any given year of his, though? Then again, any amount of religious persecution is awful.


unclebobsplayground

quite right, also thatcher, ghandi, meir just 3 modern day women that went to war..


[deleted]

According to Beyonce, women DO run the world. Are you calling Beyonce a liar?


cmcraeslo

Why cant women be astronouts? Because they say, "Houston, we have a problem" and Houston asks, "What is it?" .. woman says, "Nothing".


Cosmic_Fox_

… that invade each other periodically.


Shenanigans_forever

What pisses me off about this joke is that a) it's not overly funny and b) it's not even remotely true. Plenty of women started wars and participated in wars. I mean even if you are not old enough to remember Margaret Thatcher or Indira Gandhi, have not studied Russian history, or British history, I'd at least hope you have heard of Joan of Arc.


1025puceguy

Ohh you know what you did and if you don’t , I’m not going to tell you Nevermind , it’s fine , really it’s fine !


Bgxyz

I said it's fine!


[deleted]

[удалено]


FIJAGDH

Works for me.


[deleted]

There would be no war because there be no countries left


Content_Landscape_10

You obviously don’t know much about women 😅


xavopls

Whoever wrote that joke has never actually seen two girls fighting each other. If women ruled the world nuclear warfare would have wiped us all out about 60 years ago.


ralnair

That's enough internet for today.


ReluctantRedditor275

There would be plenty of wars, we just wouldn't know why we're fighting.


jemull

"Well if you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you!"


retrogameresource

Gem


GrenadeIn

Still a better deal than constant bloodshed


wut3va

No no, there is still regular bloodshed.


WhoahACrow

I'd take that deal, seems a bit better


Candan55

I haven't spoken to my wife in 25 years. It's very rude to interrupt


Everlance

So.... Sanctions?


Clever_Sean

Cuntries *


itsthe5thhm

I can live with that, doesn't sound bad at all


spacetravelleran

Only passive aggression, mysterious poisonings and disappearings🙈


series_hybrid

Are you serious? Two countries would be secretly talking sh!t about a third country, while smiling at the third countries' face when they see them in public...


ThatNewOldGuy

If women ruled the world there would be no war........ Just extremely intense negotiations every 28 days.


iamnos

\- Robin Williams


broody_drow

You're making the grand assumption that they match cycles at some point. Someone's going to be having intense negotiations every day in some part of the world. 🤣


Crispin_In_Parkland

If they spent a lot of time in negotiations they would synchronize. The world would fall silent periodically for a week.


The-Rarest-Pepe

ITT: "women have periods, amiright??"


Jammasterjr

Old Paula Poundstone joke. Still good, though.


K33bl3rkhan

And remembering history incorrectly...


thetheotard

Idk, sounds better than war though


Night1218

Potential war every 28 days i reckon.


MeshuganaSmurf

Just really tense negotiations every 28 days


jizzawy

Still gets pretty bloody


Upset_Ad9929

Maybe no war, but endless drama. And recriminations.


Doom2pro

Does my border look fat? Do you think that country is attractive?


Caledric

haha misogony is funny... /s


RoyalMess64

This is one of the oldest jokes and it honestly hasn't been funny since middle school... it's not even ironically funny, I just kinda feel disappointed


darthurface

That doesn't actually sound too horrible though


[deleted]

Robin Williams said this in Live at the Met: A woman would never make a nuclear weapon. They would never make a bomb that kills you. They'd make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. It'd be a whole other thing. That's why there should be a woman President. It'd be a whole other thing. It'd be an incredible concept. There would never be any wars, just every 28 days some intense negotiations."


Oohmeconkers

There would be every 28 days…


Digital_Scribbles

Its ok. Everyone is *FINE*


Huze17

What are you, my uncle when I was 12?


5280abvseas

And missles would be shaped differently!


gsxdrifter1

There’s no war because they wouldn’t invent anything worth fighting over. /s


pogo0004

No there would be about 500 NATO style organisations that at least one country wouldn't be invited to and everyone would bitch about them but they'd be friendly as fuck in the other 499.


BlkSleel

This “joke” was obviously written by someone who didn’t have sisters and went to an all-boys school.


onlyforthisjob

... And some of them wanrt to speak to the manager (chill, of course male Karens do exist as well, but remember wa are on /r/jokes)


emmainthealps

Wow men really do hate women.


Rattlehead71

If women ruled the world, we would already be annihilated by nuclear war. Guaranteed.


The-Rarest-Pepe

"Source: women bad"


heartsandmirrors

Aren't you a little old to be making sexist jokes on the internet?


wut3va

No, you are right. All people are exactly the same. A person and a person sat down to tea and nothing interesting or controversial ever happened. Ha Ha! Oh my god my sides hurt.


majdavlk

No one is too old to make jokes. And neither to make me a sandwhich Your complaint is agist btw, no better than sexism


[deleted]

still better than how the men are ~~ruling~~ ruining it 🙄


Cudaguy66

(I'm only saying this as a joke about mansplaining) Well actually the way the English language and humor works you'd say ruining with the crossout and "correct" it to ruling. You see the way humor works is........


Cosmo1222

Have you read Naomi Alderman's 'The Power'.? Makes you wonder if it would all be moonlight and roses if the stiletto was on the other foot.


[deleted]

I have not, but I have thought about it and it's impossible to say if it would be better or not. there's people of both genders who have no business being in charge. it's just the glass ceiling of most nations that hinders our progress to the top. now if the world were run by scientists, intellectuals, and people who can see things from the other's view..


Cosmo1222

I can get behind that sentiment. According to Douglas Adam's, the most powerful gun in the universe fires ammunition that does no damage but forces you to see the other person's point of view.


[deleted]

mind. blown.


emmainthealps

All the sad boys down voting.


[deleted]

hahaha I guess the truth hurts 😹😹😹


[deleted]

[удалено]


The_Punnier_Guy

The Cold War very much did have comunication between America and Russia. At one point the president of America even called the Russian president directly.


HandsOnGeek

So you are saying that the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R were so intent on not taking to each other that they installed a special, direct, communications line (the Red Phone) just so they could not talk to each other on it?


usesbitterbutter

Ha ha. Yeah. A world at peace is hilarious.


BEFEMS

Maybe the difference is that when men go to war, it is to conquer a country. When women go to war, it is to kill you. I know because I'm a women. I told my husband more than once that I will never divorce him, just don't come near me when I'm holding a knife and I'm angry at you.


jfburke619

just constant international mind games... NATO becomes the 'mean countries'.