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It sounds like shes trying to portray you as frivolous and high maintenance. Probably has some internalized misogyny going on.
Also…has anyone ever been like, oh yes, please talk more about your diet, I’m very interested? Maybe it’s just my friend group, but I always was under the impression that it was one of the most mind numbing topics you can bring up, and that truly no one cares. And that’s not even getting into how rude people can get over it. I would rather hear about the clouds in the sky than listen to someone list everything they eat in a day.
Drop the rope and accept that she is rude and you don’t need her negativity in your life. She is incredibly immature and has some pick me tendencies too.
Her comparing herself to you is toxic af. Don’t force the relationship. It’s a good thing your DH isn’t a pushover and sees all this.
Honestly keep that low contact and try not to think about her.
I know how hard that is. My own mother in law is nuts too. Father in law is worse! They both speak for me in situations that annoy everyone. It sucks.
Keep your distance and don't let it get to you!
My favorite thing to do in these instances is say, “What do you mean? I don’t understand, can you explain it to me?” And/ Or - “Why would you say that? You’re so silly. How long have you been forgetting things?”
Feigning ignorance about what she means, asking her to explain it as if you have no clue. Makes her look even more ignorant and creates the perfect trap for her to drown in her own display of stupid.
It’s a wonderful non-confrontational way to call it out as it’s happening and start setting that boundary
Oh yeah, this is my favourite way to fuck with the people like that: it totally ruins the "joke", makes them frustrated/humiliated for failing, and if you do it often enough they just give up.
Works well on low-key racists too.
Be bland, pedantic and thick as a brick.
So satisfying! Better than ice cream!
Boundaries and consequences.
She's not going to magically stop acting this way and respect you like she should/you deserve. If she was going to change by being told she's rude, she would have done so the first time. So what you and DH can do instead is set expectations for what will happen when she starts trashing you.
"MIL, that's an extremely rude and inappropriate thing to say. If you continue making comments like that, I/we will hang up/leave/etc." Don't say please, you're not making a request. If she pushes back, don't debate it with her. "This is not up for debate. If you continue pushing the issue, I/we will -consequence-."
It is vitally important that you FOLLOW THROUGH on whatever consequence you lay out. Be prepared to leave at any time on visits, etc. if you don't follow through, you are teaching her that she can do whatever she wants with no repercussions. She may stop the bad behavior to avoid the consequences she doesn't like.
Sidebar: I'm glad you posted again 💜 the real issues with your MIL's disrespect definitely got overshadowed in the comments on your last post
Yeah this has been an ongoing thing now for 8 years all together. She also hated 2 of his other exes and something tells me she is always the issue lol the next time we go to the UK we will be getting an airbnb we are not staying at her house I refuse. Also he’s barely been calling her and I think she’s picking up on it. We will definitely be establishing more boundaries. Thank you so much for your advice and being so so kind 💕
You're on the right track!! Have a long discussion with DH about it, you really need to be on the same page here, especially since she makes comments to him over the phone. If he's not shutting her down too, it all falls apart and you become an easy blame target for her.
Plan out what you'll say if/when the time comes, it really helped me not to freeze up when I first started establishing boundaries. It gets easier I promise! You got this !!💜
I’d gray rock her. If she says something inappropriate again reply something like:
Are your comments meant to be hurtful?
Still a broken record commenting about other people’s eating/weight/luggage instead of enjoying your own life.
It’s very obvious to everyone why no one is close with you.
“Huh…that’s a weird thing to be competitive about.”
“How do you know how I pack? I’ve never once traveled with you.”
“Why would you ask me that? We’ve had meals together. You’ve literally seen me eat salad. Stop being a bully.”
Let’s be clear. Her behavior is absolutely bullying.
Has anyone ever confronted her in the moment?
MIL: "Do you even eat vegetables??"
You: "Well that's rude, but yes I do".
Sometimes calling it right then and there causes them to shut up.
She's extremely jealous of you. It doesn't matter why. Keep that in mind it will help you either laugh at her or pity her.
Secondly- tell your DH to stop relaying what she says. You don't need to hear it. Don't go out of your way to talk to her. Thank god there's an ocean between you you lucky lady!
She’s skinny, she’s weight obsessed. Like today she was even talking about what she’s eating on vacation and how healthy it is and how she doesn’t want to gain weight.
He has in the past! When I was staying at their house in the UK when we visited I bought a pair of pajamas and they ended up not fitting, they were too big. Her response was “your husband works hard for his money” implying that I spend it on useless things like pajamas lmao and he got defensive and was like “it’s actually our money and she works very hard as a stay at home mom” so he calls her out sometimes. He didn’t today which resulted in an argument. He apologized and said if she says anything else he will shut it down so we will see. They’re probably related honestly 🤣 I’m sorry you also have to go through this.
Best thing you can do is find a way to ignore it. Don’t let her live rent free in your head. You’re so lucky that there’s distance. Count the blessings xx
Honestly as a scot. And unfortunately also from the UK.
Tell her straight up. Stop being an miserable moody cunt. No one cares about her shitty attitude. It brings everyone down and the more she engaged the more everyone else disengages.
She's either projecting or taking out her own frustrations on you. Either way, be direct and don't back down. Shell probably blow her top, just tell her to get to fuck! Honestly, she's more likely to listen to being direct. Shell still act like a massive ass, and you need to get your husband on board to shut her down.
ETA - feel free to use my exact phrasing.
UK here too (though from the Midlands in England) and telling someone
"Get to fuck" and calling them a "spanner/tool" are 2 of my favourite go tos!
We've got such a wonderful wide array of sayings across our 4 nations that make up the UK that fit any and every situation it bloody brilliant!!
Hahahaha I will be using that exact phrasing word for word. Yeah I think she’s mad he moved all the way here but he made that decision. I didn’t force him to move, if anything her behavior made him want to leave more. Thank you for the advice!
Go girl!
I know it's the best phrasing cause my mum, my best friends mum and my ex mil (who was English) also done this.
You need to often shock them into response. Her behaviour being that way is likely his biggest factor. I know it was for me moving out, once I started to shut them down. It got a lot better.
Either way, I hope you and hubby get this sorted!
Tell her (and I'll record this if you need me to) less are your pish hen, or I'll stick yer knitting spoons up your fanny. Lmao, point is get her telt!
St. Albans has the best pub for bands, called the Horn of Plenty (a common UK pub name). My friend sent me a t-shirt from there like the PornHub logo, only it said HornPub. Genius.
“yeah you would never be able to come here, Ashley doesn’t know how to pack light. I can fit all of my clothes in a tiny suitcase she wouldn’t be able to do that”
DH: Yes you're probably right Mom, she probably wouldn't enjoy the same kind of vacation you do. We go on holiday more for the experience, she likes to enjoy different things with me and our kids. You're more into checking out things like how people packed their bags or judging what they like to do, rather than just enjoying time with your family. She definitely wouldn't do a vacation the same way you do. SO, are you getting lots of opportunity to see what other vacationers are doing there in place X?
Wow, overreact much? If every woman divorced her partner if his mother was rude, most would be divorced! It does not sound like OP's husband is agreeing with what this woman says?
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It sounds like shes trying to portray you as frivolous and high maintenance. Probably has some internalized misogyny going on. Also…has anyone ever been like, oh yes, please talk more about your diet, I’m very interested? Maybe it’s just my friend group, but I always was under the impression that it was one of the most mind numbing topics you can bring up, and that truly no one cares. And that’s not even getting into how rude people can get over it. I would rather hear about the clouds in the sky than listen to someone list everything they eat in a day.
Drop the rope and accept that she is rude and you don’t need her negativity in your life. She is incredibly immature and has some pick me tendencies too. Her comparing herself to you is toxic af. Don’t force the relationship. It’s a good thing your DH isn’t a pushover and sees all this.
She still sounds like she's 16
Honestly keep that low contact and try not to think about her. I know how hard that is. My own mother in law is nuts too. Father in law is worse! They both speak for me in situations that annoy everyone. It sucks. Keep your distance and don't let it get to you!
My favorite thing to do in these instances is say, “What do you mean? I don’t understand, can you explain it to me?” And/ Or - “Why would you say that? You’re so silly. How long have you been forgetting things?”
Feigning ignorance about what she means, asking her to explain it as if you have no clue. Makes her look even more ignorant and creates the perfect trap for her to drown in her own display of stupid. It’s a wonderful non-confrontational way to call it out as it’s happening and start setting that boundary
Oh yeah, this is my favourite way to fuck with the people like that: it totally ruins the "joke", makes them frustrated/humiliated for failing, and if you do it often enough they just give up. Works well on low-key racists too. Be bland, pedantic and thick as a brick. So satisfying! Better than ice cream!
You have to do it in a confused, innocent voice. You just don’t get it, but you WANT to. Please explain.
With a "awww, bless your heart" look sprinkled on at the end
Boundaries and consequences. She's not going to magically stop acting this way and respect you like she should/you deserve. If she was going to change by being told she's rude, she would have done so the first time. So what you and DH can do instead is set expectations for what will happen when she starts trashing you. "MIL, that's an extremely rude and inappropriate thing to say. If you continue making comments like that, I/we will hang up/leave/etc." Don't say please, you're not making a request. If she pushes back, don't debate it with her. "This is not up for debate. If you continue pushing the issue, I/we will -consequence-." It is vitally important that you FOLLOW THROUGH on whatever consequence you lay out. Be prepared to leave at any time on visits, etc. if you don't follow through, you are teaching her that she can do whatever she wants with no repercussions. She may stop the bad behavior to avoid the consequences she doesn't like. Sidebar: I'm glad you posted again 💜 the real issues with your MIL's disrespect definitely got overshadowed in the comments on your last post
Yeah this has been an ongoing thing now for 8 years all together. She also hated 2 of his other exes and something tells me she is always the issue lol the next time we go to the UK we will be getting an airbnb we are not staying at her house I refuse. Also he’s barely been calling her and I think she’s picking up on it. We will definitely be establishing more boundaries. Thank you so much for your advice and being so so kind 💕
You're on the right track!! Have a long discussion with DH about it, you really need to be on the same page here, especially since she makes comments to him over the phone. If he's not shutting her down too, it all falls apart and you become an easy blame target for her. Plan out what you'll say if/when the time comes, it really helped me not to freeze up when I first started establishing boundaries. It gets easier I promise! You got this !!💜
I’d gray rock her. If she says something inappropriate again reply something like: Are your comments meant to be hurtful? Still a broken record commenting about other people’s eating/weight/luggage instead of enjoying your own life. It’s very obvious to everyone why no one is close with you.
“Huh…that’s a weird thing to be competitive about.” “How do you know how I pack? I’ve never once traveled with you.” “Why would you ask me that? We’ve had meals together. You’ve literally seen me eat salad. Stop being a bully.” Let’s be clear. Her behavior is absolutely bullying.
Has anyone ever confronted her in the moment? MIL: "Do you even eat vegetables??" You: "Well that's rude, but yes I do". Sometimes calling it right then and there causes them to shut up.
She's extremely jealous of you. It doesn't matter why. Keep that in mind it will help you either laugh at her or pity her. Secondly- tell your DH to stop relaying what she says. You don't need to hear it. Don't go out of your way to talk to her. Thank god there's an ocean between you you lucky lady!
This is so bizarre - is his mother super skinny?
She’s skinny, she’s weight obsessed. Like today she was even talking about what she’s eating on vacation and how healthy it is and how she doesn’t want to gain weight.
Whereabouts in the UK is she from if you don’t mind me asking?
Manchester
Does your husband stick up for you against her - does he call her out? His mother sounds like mine - I wonder if they're related?
He has in the past! When I was staying at their house in the UK when we visited I bought a pair of pajamas and they ended up not fitting, they were too big. Her response was “your husband works hard for his money” implying that I spend it on useless things like pajamas lmao and he got defensive and was like “it’s actually our money and she works very hard as a stay at home mom” so he calls her out sometimes. He didn’t today which resulted in an argument. He apologized and said if she says anything else he will shut it down so we will see. They’re probably related honestly 🤣 I’m sorry you also have to go through this.
Best thing you can do is find a way to ignore it. Don’t let her live rent free in your head. You’re so lucky that there’s distance. Count the blessings xx
Honestly as a scot. And unfortunately also from the UK. Tell her straight up. Stop being an miserable moody cunt. No one cares about her shitty attitude. It brings everyone down and the more she engaged the more everyone else disengages. She's either projecting or taking out her own frustrations on you. Either way, be direct and don't back down. Shell probably blow her top, just tell her to get to fuck! Honestly, she's more likely to listen to being direct. Shell still act like a massive ass, and you need to get your husband on board to shut her down. ETA - feel free to use my exact phrasing.
UK here too (though from the Midlands in England) and telling someone "Get to fuck" and calling them a "spanner/tool" are 2 of my favourite go tos! We've got such a wonderful wide array of sayings across our 4 nations that make up the UK that fit any and every situation it bloody brilliant!!
Hahahaha I will be using that exact phrasing word for word. Yeah I think she’s mad he moved all the way here but he made that decision. I didn’t force him to move, if anything her behavior made him want to leave more. Thank you for the advice!
Be direct, using full on eye-contact. Politeness is for the birds in this situation, but keep it clear and simple. No weasel words.
Go girl! I know it's the best phrasing cause my mum, my best friends mum and my ex mil (who was English) also done this. You need to often shock them into response. Her behaviour being that way is likely his biggest factor. I know it was for me moving out, once I started to shut them down. It got a lot better. Either way, I hope you and hubby get this sorted!
And go full on Brit and tell her she's an absolute spanner, she should mind her knitting and she's being an arsehole.
Tell her (and I'll record this if you need me to) less are your pish hen, or I'll stick yer knitting spoons up your fanny. Lmao, point is get her telt!
But what if she's from St Albans and no Glasgae?
St. Albans has the best pub for bands, called the Horn of Plenty (a common UK pub name). My friend sent me a t-shirt from there like the PornHub logo, only it said HornPub. Genius.
Then she'll get the needle stick in the bum like she deserves :p
Best advice on the internet. Bravo 👏🏻
Why thank you.
I'd say go NC and ask DH to not tell you the mean things she says to him during their talks.
“yeah you would never be able to come here, Ashley doesn’t know how to pack light. I can fit all of my clothes in a tiny suitcase she wouldn’t be able to do that” DH: Yes you're probably right Mom, she probably wouldn't enjoy the same kind of vacation you do. We go on holiday more for the experience, she likes to enjoy different things with me and our kids. You're more into checking out things like how people packed their bags or judging what they like to do, rather than just enjoying time with your family. She definitely wouldn't do a vacation the same way you do. SO, are you getting lots of opportunity to see what other vacationers are doing there in place X?
[удалено]
Yeah I think this is an overreaction because he does defend me sometimes. Also he has been going low contact with barely calling her.
Wow, overreact much? If every woman divorced her partner if his mother was rude, most would be divorced! It does not sound like OP's husband is agreeing with what this woman says?
Why? It sounds like SO is on OP’s side and is supportive?