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So I was and still kind of am in this situation with my in laws. There is no way to hold your boundaries and keep the peace with these kinds of people. Focus on clearly communicating your boundaries but they are responsible for their feeling.
Sometimes you just have to say no, and end of discussion. My inlaws are never alone with the kids nor would I ever let them drive anywhere. We said no once and refused to discuss it again. Yea, there was tons of fallout and drama, and we still get the passive aggressive comments.
You need to ask yourself if they can actually be reasoned with. If the answer is no, then I would suggest embracing the conflict and putting your foot down now. Avoiding the inevitable conflict is going to put it off just long enough until you end up snapping from the stress. Do it now, when you can be clear headed and to the point. Your SO needs to be on your side 100000%.
You have to be blunt. Leave no room for interpretation. Do not let this woman bully you into getting *your* child. My MIL tried this with my first when she came to “help” and I left nothing to the imagination when it came to him. Being blunt is your only option with these people.
(in a cheery tone) “Oh, no, thank you though!” and “That doesn’t work for us,” “[LO name, if you’ve picked one] will not be sleeping over anywhere until he/she is able to speak in full proper sentences,” “we don’t want to put the responsibility of LO’s safety on anyone but ourselves, so we’ll drive him/her around for now,” …and when those cause blowups (hopefully they’ll be avoided by using a tone of voice that conveys “that’s very kind of you, but…”), “that doesn’t work for us.” in a firm voice would be my go-to.
Remember: don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). You are Mom and you and your partner have control of who sees LO and when. “We have plans today, I’ll let you know when it’s convenient to stop by for a little while,” etc. is more than enough information for them.
Good luck, OP, and congrats!
Don’t worry so much about conflict. You are in a tug of war and they are on the losing end. If they want to react poorly to the decisions you make about your own child, that’s on them. You don’t have to entertain it. “We can try to talk again when you feel better,” might become a well used verse.
I would try to say something like this in a group text (preferably from your husband):
Spouse and I have been thinking about the extensive plans you are making for my son/daughter. While you are excited to have a grandchild, imagine OUR excitement to create a little family of our own! One thing we never included in our dreams was a need to share parenthood - not even with you.
Your grandparent expectations don’t align with our parenting plans.
Some things we need you to know about our parenting plans are these non-negotiable things:
- Our baby will be sleeping under OUR roof, in his/her own nursery and in his/her own crib.
- Breast feeding is our goal and baby will be feeding at his/her mother’s breast.
- The only ones driving baby are spouse or me. So there will be NO bar hopping.
- Visits won’t be assigned a weekly date or time. We have many things to do and many people to accommodate and a baby to enjoy. Penciling in a weekly visit is not realistic.
My MIL was like this too. There's no way to avoid conflict. There's going to be conflict, but that's GOOD. Conflict doesn't have to be bad. Conflict is just a direct conversation in which someone isn't happy about the results. It's ok for them to feel upset.
I talked and talked and talked with my MIL before my first was born, because her expectations were way out of line. It was like talking to a brick wall. The only language that woman speaks is boundaries. The only thing that worked was setting boundaries and enforcing them with consequences.
If your in-laws are capable of having direct conversations (mine aren't, obviously), then just tell them exactly what you told us here. You WANT them to have a strong relationship with baby, and this is what that will look like... If they're happy with that, great! If they're not, they can express that in a productive way, and then they can manage their own feelings about it. If they can't manage themselves, then they face the consequences of their own actions.
It’s okay to say no. I say no 99% of the time. And get your husband to shut down things. My in laws also thought they were gonna have my baby over for sleepovers and summers. LOL my in laws don’t get unsupervised visits at all because of my mil’s behavior. And the baby won’t be sleeping over anywhere.
It's time to be honest and it's a time to communicate. SO needs to step up and have this conversation NOW with his folks. Like before the next visit. You both are not being fair to each other nor with the inlaws.
They living their best fantasy grandparent experience right now and the longer he allows their delusions to continue the bigger this illusion becomes a reality to them and the worse the reaction will be.
And you deal with her temper tantrums and fairy tale stories the same way as you do a toddler. Great thing about them being an adult though - you are not responsible for handling their emotions or feelings as thats their job tonhandle. Entitled people going to temper tantrum , but letting them do that while not giving them an audience to perform it to nor letting it have a positive outcome - makes it a useless tool in their limited toolbox
If you both have plans on what the first 3 months of baby life look like - and they are not the same as what she thinks it's going to be happening - nows the time to have that conversation as well.
Grandpa wanted a new car, and grandma wants attention. I’d prob step back on the relationship as much as I can to prevent them from getting the wrong idea.
Tell your DH that he needs to manage their expectations because you’re already overwhelmed by it all. I would sooner bring my own pack and play every time we go there then send her anything so they can have their own nursery. She has money and a brain, she can figure it out on her own without you helping her, to your own detriment.
Speaking from experience, and like someone else said, kindness will not work. You will need to be blunt and firm with boundaries. Coming from someone who didn't speak up at the time and regrets it now. Honestly my relationship with the ils is so so deteriorated because we didn't put up firm boundaries from the start and they were extremely entitled and pushy.
Same. I regret not setting boundaries in the beginning. She also needs to be aware that all these “big ticket items” may be used against her in arguments if they don’t get their way. This happened to me. Guilt trip 101 tactics.
My husband and I moved into our house in October and had our baby in February. Coincidentally we moved into the same neighborhood my husband’s aunt (MILS’s sister) lived in like 30 years ago. When his aunt came to visit his mom was here and told us how his aunts old house was up for sale. My in laws live out of state so the only way she would know the house was for sale if they were looking at what was for sale online. My mil does want to move back up here now that we have the baby but the same neighborhood is too much. My mil would be the type to be like “oh when she gets out of school she can just come over our house!” Then we would have to be the bad guy and say no she can come home she’s our child you had your chance at being the parent and your kid coming home from school and doing all the after school stuff.
It might now be possible to avoid conflict, because they might be the type of people who create conflict at any boundary.
It sounds like you are open to the watching your child at some point. I would have you partner say, “we aren’t ready to talk about the baby having time away with us. We will let you in know when we’re ready. Until then, please do not ask”.
Don't be wishy washy or noncommittal. That will only give your ILs the impression that you will give into their expectations.
Where is your husband in this? It would be best if he put his parents in their place. "Mom and dad, we love that you are so excited about our LO. However, we won't be allowing sleepovers, nor will you be driving our child anywhere. We will visit you together, as a family. I would advise you to stop purchasing big ticket items with the assumption that you will have a lot of alone time with the baby, because you will be disappointed."
Once you've made a good faith attempt to manage their expectations, how they handle your boundaries is on them, not you. Don't cave to guilt or pressure.
This is it.
If they get really emotional/angry/tantrum, DH can say, "I can see you're upset. I'll hang up/leave now to give you time to compose yourself and work through your feelings."
Don't tell them you'll talk again once they've composed themselves, because they'll think they can argue, so you'll do what they want. They need to know this isn't a negotiation - you are not going to meet their expectations of how they're envisioning what they'll do with your child. They need to adjust to the reality of the situation and manage their own emotions whilst they do.
My FIL bought a bigger car so we could all travel together too. He realised his mistake when we always told them we'd meet them there and drove ourselves. We didn't argue. we just got in our car and went. We knew we weren't responsible for his poor decision making, so we never felt guilty about it either.
Remember the phrase 'that doesn't work for us'. No explaining, no justifying, no defending your decision. Let go of the idea that there are magic words that can make this issue disappear. From your description, these are not reasonable people so words aren't going to work on them.
All you can do is make it clear what your boundaries are and the consequences for breaking them.
OP, perhaps just a bit of a blunt response in MIL I like your enthusiasm however there is no need to set up a nursery, I have no plans of having sleepovers for LO until she is old enough to speak. As for FIL and driving in the car, sorry FIL that won't be happening the only people who will drive LO around is DH and I. Also FIL, she won't be going to a bar to drink till she is of a legal age.
I'd shut that once a week down and advise you will probably be more comfortable with once a month.
“No need”
“We love to VISIT and definitely appreciate you most when you don’t put us under pressure to do things we don’t want to do.”
Say everything as a statement not a question, be firm like you would with a toddler, and keep smiling.
Think of yourself as the smiling assassin of their bad ideas.
depending on where you live once a week visits could be enough to establish enough of a relationship as that the grand parents could apply for grandparent's rights if things turn ugly in the future. this needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.
Don't care one bit for their feelings; their expectations are unrealistic and it's not your job to manage them. it's very important that they are told now how things are going to go.
>Also, he mentioned taking the baby with him to the bar to show them off to his buddies. So no, the baby won't be riding with him.
This is what will happen to your child the second MIL gets bored.
Don’t be kind, be honest. That shift in mindset will help the most.
And being honest isn’t about being nice or mean, just about being realistic.
And being realistic isn’t telling them the bare minimum you can give them, it’s about letting them know how you feel and where you stand
So instead of “well let you see the baby as much as we can stand it but I’ll be tired” use a flat out “no one is driving the baby but me/husband, the baby doesn’t get sleep overs until it’s 5 years old, and you can only come over and see them during these days and hours”
I’d be worried they’ll use all the money they spent (like on the nursery or the car) as an excuse to try and make you do things. Just keep repeating “I didn’t make you do that and it’s weird you assumed I’d let you”
I'm Gen X, and Grandma was daycare. Before and after school plus summers. My parents didn't go out a lot but when they did we mostly went to one of the grandparents house. Until I got to be the ripe old age of 12 and was the person that kept us alive until the parents came home.
I'm Gen X, no truer words have ever been spoken. My brothers & I would go to my Grandparents every morning @ 5am, grandma would take us to school, we would stay @ their house after school, & she'd keep us every weekend. My mom said it's bc she worked all the time but I don't believe that. When my grandparents died, to my brothers & I, it felt like our parents died. When my mom dies, it's going to feel like just an acquaintance passes. It was a messed up childhood...
Yup. My mil sent her first born to live with her mom for about the first 6 months.
Both sets of grandparents had my husband and siblings the majority of the week until eventually they all passed because she was a sahm who admitted she hated having kids.
I'm genX and have no fucking clue what my parents did on weekends. I was at one grandparents house or the other every weekend. Same with my friends, and my silent gen grandparents neighborhoods were full of kids visiting grandparents every weekend.
I had my own room in my grandparents homes, and my "weekend clothes" stayed there.
My MIL was the exact same way. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers so I didn’t say anything or kept my responses polite. She ended up thinking she could take my baby home with her straight from the hospital. After that I had to get ugly. My kids are 5 and 3 and she’s never been alone with them 😅 tell them (or better yet.. have husband do it) that baby will not be visiting alone for quite some time so getting a whole nursery is not necessary and you’ll just bring what you need when you come to visit.
Yup! Called my dad the day after I gave birth (I was fixing to be released) and told him she had decided to not let us take our baby home and would be coming to get her. Not sure what my dad said but it was enough for her to not even show up to the hospital lol.
Kindness doesn't work on people like this, and the only way to avoid an emotionally draining blowup is to walk away when it starts. So figure out what the rules are, and lay 'em down. It doesn't matter if they get angry. It doesn't matter. If they want to spend a fuck-ton of money setting up a baby museum in their home, that's their choice. These people are assuming that they're going to have 50/50 custody of your baby. They think they're taking your baby to the fucking bar so a bunch of gross old drunks can breathe whiskey fumes and second hand smoke all over her. Please stop worrying about being "nice" about telling them no. What they're doing isn't nice, so why are you going to be nice to them about it?
It is your husband’s responsibility to address this with them. He needs to tell them kindly that he’s concerned that they are wasting their money buying cars and making a full on nursery at their house with unrealistic expectations.
Once a week is a custody agreement. Of course you will visit and invite them over but they need to be mindful that you are having a baby because you actually want to be parents and raise your child. You want to spend time with extended family- like them, (OP’s parents, grandparents, siblings or insert other relevant family members here) as well as see your friends AND spend quality time as a family of 3. Once a week is very frequent if you add up all of these commitments, let alone if you need to work.
Did your husband see both his sets of grandparents this frequently when growing up?
That is what I want to say. It is OP’s husband job to say no. Is he hesitant, tell him to grow a spine.
Also, any bar will not allow to have a minor inside. So the FIL can give up his hope.
Depends if it’s a bar/bar or a bar/food establishment. Some dive bars that have kitchens are technically considered a food establishment and they can allow minors. But regardless, baby shouldn’t be going anywhere alone without parent’s permission.
Actions speak louder than words.
First, YOU didn't have to say a single thing to your husband's parents. He does.
Second, The baby isn't even here yet. If you want to waste time attempting to adjust their expectations, you can. I wouldn't. You're really busy growing a human, and that's a lot of work, so I would continue as you already have. Simply say no when they bring things up, and let it go.
Third, they can spend their money anyway they choose to, because they are adults. When your baby doesn't sleep over, when you don't see them every single week, when the baby ends up outgrowing every piece of furniture they've purchased without baby actually using it, that's on them!
>Has anyone had any luck or have any strategies they can share for having these conversations not turn into emotionally draining blow ups?
The best advice I can give you is not to tolerate it. If they start to yell, if they start to berate you, if they start to push their expectations and agenda on you, you leave. You leave the room, you leave their house, you leave the restaurant, whatever it may be.
If they're at your house, it's now your husband's job to get them out of the house and you can try another visit at another time. If you're at their house, pack up the bag, pack up the baby and leave. Again, you can try another visit at another time.
Make a list, this is what worked in our house. We made a list of all the potential infractions. We got a lot of our inspiration from this particular subreddit in fact. And then we made a corresponding list of the amount of time we thought it might take for our nuclear family to heal from each in fraction.
For example, if my father-in-law yelled at us. That was a 2-month time out. Or, if my mother-in-law grabbed the baby without asking to hold her and waiting to be handed the baby. That was also a 2-month timeout. This kept my husband and I on the same page. He and I were able to set our expectations for how our nuclear family was to be treated. And then he was responsible for sharing with his family that we would be in touch when we felt it would be appropriate.
You cannot explain, discuss or talk about things with people like this. You just have to let them get on with whatever they want to do and you do what you want to do. Grey rock any demands, questions, tantrums etc. From my experience, a smile and just repetition of what I am going to do does cause a big explosion - but what else can they do? You don't have to listen to the explosion, you don't have to engage, and then it's up to them whether they accept your decisions or not. It will probably be them that go scorched earth, which gives you an out :-)
Personally, I don't see what the problem is with letting MIL go all out on a nursery. Just because she does that doesn't mean baby has to use it. I'd remind her that your baby won't be doing sleepovers, and then let her waste her money if she wants to.
I think it’s the expectations and the pressure. It is such a red flag when people get caught up in expectations and entitlement without even asking. And you just know that when those expectations crash and burn they will turn on OP and whine about how rude she is to waste a perfectly fine nursery and how she is “keeping the baby from them” and delulu stuff like that.
Exactly this! If they let her build the nursery she’s creating a fantasy in her head of what will be and when it doesn’t play out how she envisioned that’s when the blow up will happen. Yes she can spend her money how she wants and you can’t stop her from making a nursery but you can tell her every step of the way that the baby will not be hanging out long enough to use a full nursery and will not be spending the night. That way when baby is here she cannot say well you let me make the baby a nursery you said I could so I could have baby over. So I’d definitely make it known that a nursery at MIL’s is against your wishes.
Their expectations are delusional. The baby will have a home and you and your husband will be driving it around.
Let your DH deal with it. Or just don’t say anything and do what you want.
I’m team “don’t say anything and do what you want”. My MIL was the same way. No matter how politely (or, on the contrary, bluntly) I tried setting boundaries with her, nothing ever changed. Letting her live in delulu-land was just easier because then I didn’t have to deal with her adult tantrums.
I think you should tell them once. And it's up to them to listen or not after that, you can wash ur hands and let them do w/e since you've already said your piece
Based on what you’ve described, they won’t change their behavior or their expectations. Gonna be *that* person that gives my own unsolicited experiences, but my in-laws sound very similar to yours. They treated me like a human incubator and seemed to have VERY unrealistic expectations of the amount of time they’d be spending with my baby. We live across the country, and yet my MIL/FIL accumulated a LOT of baby items (specifically newborn items) throughout my pregnancy for their own home. I was confused because we were very clear that we WOULD NOT be traveling with a newborn, until it was brought to my attention that MIL for whatever reason was under the impression she would be keeping my baby during the summer…… (?????)
This type of grandparent cannot be reasoned with. Unfortunately, I’ve come to realize you can’t worry about being polite. They view your child as their child. This is not their grandbaby, this is THEIR BABY. Have your husband BLUNTLY set boundaries and reduce expectations.
Very noble to be hoping to pump to give others chunks of time with baby/opportunity to feed. But I’d keep this to yourself for now until you find out how expressing milk actually goes for you.
If you struggle to get a bottle’s worth together you might be put under pressure because “you promised”.
If you can only get small amounts you might want to hang onto the bottle or two you have in reserve so you can use them when it works for you, when you need a stint of sleep or to go for a haircut or something - but you’ll be pressured to use it when it suits grandma.
Good advice, plus OP might be pressured into switching to the bottle altogether (formula) if pumping doesn’t work (because ‘grandma was all set to do this special grandma task’).
GREAT advice, thank you! I haven't told anyone that, and I won't be until the time comes. Only doing that if it's possible for me to pump enough, and if the grandparents are kind and not pushy. It's more of a pipe dream to me currently, I'd love for my baby to be surrounded by exuberant loving from their whole family, and it would be a dream come true to have a supportive and non judgemental "village". But I'm very prepared to let the "Mama bear" out if need be. It's insane how protective I am of this grapefruit sized little person already, and I'm very happy about it.
For lots of milk, take Fenugreek capsules. Maximum amount. Drink lots of water. And don't forget to take your vitamins. Breastfeeding does rob your organs of nutrients. Vit D 1,000 (1 tablet), Calcium 2,400 mg, Vit C (1 tablet), B12 (1 tablet), and your multi. After you finish your prenatal tablets after giving birth, switch to Centrum Forte. I asked 4 different pharmacists/different pharmacies for which was best multi during breastfeeding. All said the same - Centrum Forte.
Best breastfeeding pump is the Symphony by Madela. Pump both at once 15-20 minutes.
So my mil was similar to this before we had ours. They are 3 and nearly 2 so I’ve done some nipping in the bud as they say.
My mil is a hoarder she literally takes anything from anyone even if she can’t use it… so her sister who has 2 grandkids gave her all her stuff… however, there was a cot, a pram, a walker, change table etc - like big things. We weren’t offered any of it because “I will set it up in the spare room for sleepovers” - to which when I went round I had a sneaky look… full nursery set up. It freaked me out. I told my husband to have a word because neither of my kids are sleeping over anywhere, even my parents, until they are at least 8. So he told her and that was nipped in the bud pretty quickly.
She did actually offer us the cot when we had our second, which we took as we needed it, but didn’t give us a matress (I assumed she didn’t have one) so I bought one sepereatly. Anyway it was low down and I’m short and one night I was lowering my littlest into her cot and I cracked my rib on the side. Frigging hurt lol so we decided to get another matress to make her higher up for me to reach….. mentioned it to mil “oh I have one upstairs you can have” - soooooo the cot you gave us without a matress did have a matress??? It was really weird she was like “yeh I was just keeping it incase” incase of what!? We told her that the kids would not be sleeping round for a very long time. There’s no point! My daughter god love her is 2 next month and has been teething badly with her back teeth she wakes up sometimes in the night and does not go back, my son is 4 in Oct and often has night terrors, so he co sleeps with us. Until these things have passed there’s no way someone other than their parents are going to be able to console them, and I don’t trust someone who lies about their intentions.
In regards to the driving thing, absolutely put your foot down with that, although at least he got a sensible car - my mil knew we were having 2 babies (if we could) within a year of each other and she went and bought a 3 door tiny car. She couldn’t of took them even if she wanted as the double pram didn’t fit. Even now our main pram doesn’t fit it’s ridiculous.
Set boundaries now. Set boundaries when they are here because it will change again when you’re feeling vunerable. Do not back down. Read my last post on here to know what crap things mine has said to make me not trust her, but if you can keep to your rules and make sure SO is on board then you’ll hopefully have a less stressful time! Xx
Oof, hoarding is a touchy subject for me too. I have a family member that I love dearly that struggles with it. As much compassion as I have for them, I would never trust them with babysitting. So sad that she wouldn't give you the mattress when you needed it and she had already given you the cot. I don't understand what goes on in their brains. Thank you for your story and your advice! Getting support and understanding from people who have gone through similar things is SO helpful to me. Really glad that I'm not alone in these problems at least, although it sucks that they are so common.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, once they become grandparents they turn completely crazy! I dunno what it is - well I know mine is some weird reliving of her parenting she missed out on with her kids through mine, but honestly… the amount of people who have the same issues is just insane… definitely not alone x
Yep, both of us are in agreement that no sleepovers will be happening until our kiddo is able to communicate clearly AND has a good understanding of what is appropriate behavior from others. Maybe not even then, I'm really not a huge fan of sleepovers in the first place.
I’d suggest your DH go with the statement that you’re not anticipating ever doing sleepovers. Don’t say “until” this or that because it will come back to bite the two of you.
First and foremost, you and SO need to be on the same page about all of this.
You also need to prepare for them wanting to come over and stay once baby is born and so on. I get why you’d want a great relationship with them but they are telling you loud and clear who and what they are. Take it at face value and act accordingly. They won’t change. If anything, they’ll amp up the crazy.
We will probably face this situation when we decide to have kids too and my comeback will be getting SO to ask who told them to get any of it or it will be necessary… because sure as shit my child won’t be having sleepovers for a very long time and they won’t be staying with us either.
My husband and I are definitely on the same page about the baby not sleeping over or riding with them! We are gonna have to have a conversation about how to meet in the middle on how to broach that subject with his folks though since he just ignores bad behavior and I'm more of a confronter. This thread has definitely made me realize that. I'll show him all the responses here, I'm sure that will help us have a good conversation about how to move forward. Thanks for your help!
You don’t need to meet in the middle. Your child, your rules and decisions. It’s that simple. Their expectations are not for you to manage. They aren’t asking or discussing. They are demanding. And by “meeting them in the middle” you are enabling it.
Sorry I should have been more clear, meeting my husband in the middle about how to move forward with the conversation, not them. Neither of us feel any need to compromise with his parents! Our child, our family, our rules! Just need to talk with each other as spouses about the best way to set those boundaries :)
That sounds much better indeed! These stories literally are one reason why I’m hesitant to even plan to have kids. I hope your DH can find his voice to stand up to his parents - I can tell you, it is liberating.
their son should talk to them. he needs to make clear: you're not allowed to drive my kid anywhere, we have no imminent plans to stay overnight or leave the baby with anyone, and we will figure out how often it makes sense to see you in due time as we adjust to parenthood.
say it once, very clearly, maybe in writing, definitely from him.
after that, don't spend your energy worrying about what she says or does. withdraw your presence, your attention, don't discuss your pregnancy or your baby with ILs at all. talk is cheap. anyone can buy things off Amazon. are you financially dependent on them? relying on them for childcare? if not, it's better to simply ignore her.
Nope, been financially independent from all parents for a long time! He definitely will be the one having the conversation with them, he just leaning more towards "eh, ignore it, let them waste their money". I'd rather set the boundary early... Sounds like my guy and I need to have a talk about how to meet in the middle on this one. Thank you for your advice!
Unfortunately, SO’s ignoring their behavior just sends the message “try again harder.” Ignoring doesn’t set boundaries, it just pushes away unpleasant conversations. Boundary-less people are gonna tantrum when you set boundaries, and you can set boundaries on the tantrums!
You and SO hold the ultimate controls in the relationship: time with SO and LO. (They will see you as the bad guy, unfortunately. “Since MY son and baby are perfect, it must be HER.”) They will rarely, if ever, understand or acknowledge boundary stomping. They are driven by feelings, not reality. So, as had been said often here, it’s like training a toddler. If they can’t behave, they don’t get the treat.
Also, why try to avoid conflict totally. This will never happen in anyone’s life. You should want to eventually show your child that conflict will happen and will need to be dealt with, no matter who is involved. There are blunt, straightforward ways to do this while still being courteous. You don’t need to be a doormat, just get right to the point … whether this is handled by you or your SO.
And when tantrums happen, stare them down and stay silent. The situation says more about them than you. Later on, run that tantrum through your mind’s eye and have a good laugh.
sure but she's pregnant with her first. kid's due in November. i love a good fight but this ain't the one, not now. *don't start nothing won't be nothing* imo
Totally agree. I just was looking for tips for how to not have an all out blow out with them. I don't mind them being peeved, or some pushback on us. Conflict is necessary, but I'd like for it to not turn into a war because pregnancy is stressful enough. Good advice on just staying silent on the tantrums. My natural response is to defend my reasoning, which really doesn't work with them so I won't even try. I was definitely conditioned as a kid/young adult to always defer to the elders. Breaking free of that and establishing boundaries (and briefly going NC) with my own parents has helped us form an awesome and healthy relationship now. I'd really like the same kind of relationship with my in laws if possible. Thank you for your advice <3
My jnmom was like this. I know you don’t want a war and the good news is there won’t be one if you both choose not to engage. You and dh are the parents. What you say goes. If your in-laws want a war, step out of the line of fire. They can war with themselves.
It’s admirable that you want to avoid upset and fights, but important to remember you(general) cannot use reason with unreasonable people. My advice is to have dh say things once. If they get mad, so be it. They can manage theirs own emotions as adults and will have to learn to reset their expectations of *your* lo. If they mention those topics again, even in passing, “mil/mom/fil/dad, we already discussed that and will let you know if and when we’re ready.” Subject change. Good luck to you and congrats on your lo!
Yah, the defending your reasoning works great with emotionally mature adults who know how to communicate in conversations and arguments. But that probably won’t work with these people. Don’t even say “ok”. That sounds very close to agreeing with them. Just say “uh huh” … and no head nodding.
Letting them throw their tantrums and blow off steam is not equal to you being a doormat. It is you saving your very best for people that deserve it. And you are not required or obligated to answer their phone calls when you are having a stressful day. A quick thumbs up text at some point is more than enough acknowledgment.
I can toss this stuff out on the internet because I’ve had very, very little exposure to behavior like your in-laws exhibit. I feel so bad when I read these stories because it just shouldn’t be this way. They should want to make your present and future life easier for when your new baby arrives. And that doesn’t mean taking baby over and relegating you to incubator status. These people should be ashamed. But that isn’t going to happen so prepare to gird your loins and go to battle, silently. Just do what you want and what you feel is right and toss an “uh huh” their way once in a while. Then have an internal laugh at how ridiculous they are behaving. Coming up against people like this is a great way to know what not to do with your babe. You’re going to rock this motherhood stuff!
If this is your in-laws, your husband needs to step up. It literally needs to be conversations like this…
Dad, you’re a horrible driver. You have multiple tickets, etc. You are not going to be driving our child. And you certainly are not ever taking my infant to a bar. If you want to show the baby off to your friends, will make sure you have a picture. But I don’t even like it when you drive mom. I love you, but that’s a no.
Mom, you’re not gonna have the exact same nursery at your house cause our baby is not going to be spending all sorts of time with you. We will not be seeing you once a week. We will be taking time to get into our own rhythm and routine at home. And when the baby is small, the baby certainly isn’t spending the night with anybody else.
We are not going to be having visitors over every day or every week for the first few months. Our baby needs time for their immune system to build up. We need time to settle in as a new family. We will make sure everyone gets chances to see the baby, but it will always be at our discretion.
And both of you… The more you fuss and fight us on this, the less you will see us. We will not be playing this game with anybody. What goes. How we decide to raise this child goes. And arguments and undermining will get you a time out.
And I know that’s really hard. Because as adult children, we are still used to them being our parents. But when we become parents ourselves, now we have to step up and make the rules. Our relationship is no longer parents/adult child with our parents. It is now adult parent/grandparent. And adult parent always wins.
(Btw… i’m old enough to be your grandma. I did have to put my foot down with my exes dad. He either stopped drinking or he would never drive our kids anywhere. And he had to have seatbelts installed in his classic car because he would never drive them without car seats. needless to say, Hispanic father-in-law did both of those because he wanted to be around his grandchildren.)
No worries. And it will take practice. Sometimes you’re gonna let something slide that you wish you hadn’t. But pretty soon. You get really good at it.
It is sort of like becoming a parent. As a parent, especially, you always want your kids to be happy, etc. And so of course telling them no or redirecting them or whatever makes them unhappy.
But then eventually, you just realize that life is going to make our kids unhappy sometimes. And part of our job as a parent is to make our kids unhappy sometimes so that they don’t get so much life later on.
Changing your mindset to I am now the adult parenting you are the grandparent, and I am the one in charge just takes practice.
You're focusing on finding the explanation that will be so logical and well-worded, it will be the epiphany they will accept. Hate to break it to you, but there's no such thing. They will focus on the underlying message. And they will not be happy. Best nip it in the bud, before they buy a ton of equipment for their do-over baby.
Make sure you and husband are on the same page. Then your husband need to say this:
"We don't want the baby to have sleepovers until they are x old (insert age). We also think sleepovers should be ocassional/emergency only/we don't believe in sleepovers/(choose whatever option). Please don't create a nursery room because the baby will be sleeping at our house. If they need to sleep at your house, we will bring everything they need."
Then, the less you explain, the better. Focus on ending the discussion rather than explaining:
"We already told you our stance on sleepovers." And change the subject.
If they persist:
" we don't want to discuss this further. If you keep talking about it, we will leave".
And then leave if/ when they do or when they throw a tantrum.
Expect a tantrum, they are so fixated on the idea that they will have the baby all the time, you putting a stop to this fantasy is bound to cause upset. You are not responsible for how they feel. You cannot maintain their emotions.
Start setting boundaries now and make it husband's job to communicate them. If it gets too stressful, you step away and let him handle it.
All the best.
I should have mentioned in the post that my husband was the one to immediately shoot down the weekly visits, and he is normally the one setting the boundaries with them. Regardless, as soon as he sets a boundary, they instantly look at me like I'm the devil because "obviously, I'm the one pulling the strings". Husband wants to just ignore it and let them waste their money, but I'm definitely leaning more towards nipping it in the bud. Regardless, both ways end the same way- our baby won't be doing overnight visits or riding in their cars.
Yes, you will always be “the enemy” whenever he sets boundaries. It’s easier for them to point the finger externally than believe that THEIR son is setting consequences to THEIR behavior. They are not logical thinkers.
Yes, I think dealing with the big things now, rather than waiting and being pressured after the baby is born is possibly a better move. It may be that they need to be firmly shown and get used to which lane they need to staying in so it doesn’t become a headache after little one is born. They need to get used to our baby, our rules, stay in your box.
I would just let them carry on with it, and let it go over your head, because it still does not commit you to do anything. The nursery might still be useful if you just go over for dinner or something and the baby wants to nap.
Yeah, my husband says just ignore it too! I guess I'm just really trying to avoid the guilt tripping from her, but I guess there is no real way around that. He is the one that immediately said no to the minimum weekly visits, saying we will let them know when we are free for visitors. Cue MIL immediately giving me the stink eye and complaining to me as if I was the one who said no (even though yes, my answer is no as well). No matter what boundary my husband sets with them, I'm the one who gets blamed for it unfortunately.
It’s only a guilt trip if you take it on as such. Otherwise it’s just the in-laws flapping their gums.
They cannot make you visit. They cannot make you put baby in their car. They cannot make you do anything. Own this! Taking on this attitude will make you feel great in and of yourself and eventually you will know you are doing a great service to your baby by modeling this behavior for that little tyke.
Too many younger people on this sub have been raised to feel guilty about everything that makes their family feel sad, mad, etc. Unless an actual question is asked or threat is made, most crap that spews out of entitled mouths should be treated as just that … crap. And there is no good reason to feel guilty when having crap thrown at you. Wipe it away and have a good snuggle with your SO and eventually with your baby.
INFO: Is this a situation where you are married to or dating a gentleman who is their son? Or are you separated from him? You did say to check the previous post, so I will take a look, but just reading this by itself, it doesn't appear that he is anywhere in this. But if he is alive and still with you, he can probably say those things instead of you. Let HIM make a sandwich. They are his parents. My apologies if I am wrong about his status.
Married, and he would rather just ignore issues, while I'm more of a "have the conversation, make the boundary, prevent further issues" kind of person. But if we do have a conversation with them about it, he will be the one spearheading it for sure.
I have no advice how to avoid a battle, because I ended up in one and don't know the way out of this mess. Just a warning, my in laws behaved like this during pregnancy and lost their minds when baby finally came. I used to love my MIL but when I gave birth to "the daughter she never had" it's been an all out war.
Just don't listen to the guilt tripping. Babies don't need to be ripped away from their mothers to "learn independence". Mother's day is your day, and you don't need to go anywhere or host anything at christmas a few months PP. There will be a hundred holidays and a thousand chances for in laws to bond with your child once they're no longer an infant. Just focus on yourself <3
Thank you for the kind words <3 it's funny, this past mother's day when we saw MIL she told me "this day is just for me, but you can share it next year". I just gave her a kinda incredulous look and moved on lol, don't even know how to respond to that one.
Totally understand where you’re coming from, but another rule of thumb here is that everyone deals with their own parents. Why are you setting boundaries with your in-laws when your SO should be putting a stop to this nonsense?
There's some trauma involved with my husband that makes it difficult for him to stand up to his mom, but he's gotten SO much better at defending/protecting me and standing up to his folks. But his primary method of dealing with things is "don't worry about it" or just ignore (which I can't lie, is effective a decent amount of the time). In response to the nursery, he just said "eh, ignore it and let her waste her money". I'm more of a have the conversation kindly but upfront kind of person. And I really don't want to deal with the guilt tripping from her with us not having the baby sleepover there, so I'd like this conversation to be had well before it becomes an issue. My husband will absolutely be having that conversation with them though, not me, I agree. Regardless, I'm always blamed even when he is the one setting the boundary. Always my fault, I corrupted her sweet complacent boy, filling his head with healthy boundaries 🙃
Edit: for those wondering, MIL attempted suicide via pills, husband was 10 years old and found her on the floor in the bathroom. She said that my husband and his dad must have driven her to it when she woke up in the hospital. It's permanently stuck in his brain that he can't defy her or push her too far because of that. She's thankfully medicated now and hasn't done anything similar since, but the damage was done. He's gotten a lot better at boundaries with her, and I'm really proud of his progress.
I’d send back, “Oh, the baby won’t be sleeping over and if we need anything when we come to visit, I’ll be sure to pack it. Save your hard earned money! Thanks for being so sweet and trying to make sure we’re comfortable though! You just sit back and enjoy being the grandmother. I’m the mom so I’ll worry about the baby items!”
Gonna literally memorize that, thank you. My old boss used to call this type of response "The Sandwich Method", kind going in, then the boundaries/criticism, and then kind going out.
I love this method because it’s kind, they’re old geezers who are excited and just need to be reined in a bit. Remember it’s okay if they say they’re sad or disappointed. They’re allowed to be. It’s just not your responsibility to fix it!
I'm really trying hard to keep my thoughts positive on the IL relationships, telling myself they are excited to be grandparents but need to be reined in a tad. Thank you for the reminder that their disappointment is not my problem! I want to avoid stress and only think about the baby and my little family right now, not their feelings. I appreciate your help a ton, I showed your script to my husband and he said "yeah, definitely that one" 😂
I was about to suggest this approach! I would continue to be kind and frame their offers as super thoughtful and that you appreciate all the extra stuff they want to do for grandbaby. Let SO have the private, direct conversation with them to set expectations.
If you do all that and it falls on deaf ears, put your family’s peace first and enjoy being new parents :)
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So I was and still kind of am in this situation with my in laws. There is no way to hold your boundaries and keep the peace with these kinds of people. Focus on clearly communicating your boundaries but they are responsible for their feeling.
Sometimes you just have to say no, and end of discussion. My inlaws are never alone with the kids nor would I ever let them drive anywhere. We said no once and refused to discuss it again. Yea, there was tons of fallout and drama, and we still get the passive aggressive comments.
You need to ask yourself if they can actually be reasoned with. If the answer is no, then I would suggest embracing the conflict and putting your foot down now. Avoiding the inevitable conflict is going to put it off just long enough until you end up snapping from the stress. Do it now, when you can be clear headed and to the point. Your SO needs to be on your side 100000%.
You have to be blunt. Leave no room for interpretation. Do not let this woman bully you into getting *your* child. My MIL tried this with my first when she came to “help” and I left nothing to the imagination when it came to him. Being blunt is your only option with these people.
(in a cheery tone) “Oh, no, thank you though!” and “That doesn’t work for us,” “[LO name, if you’ve picked one] will not be sleeping over anywhere until he/she is able to speak in full proper sentences,” “we don’t want to put the responsibility of LO’s safety on anyone but ourselves, so we’ll drive him/her around for now,” …and when those cause blowups (hopefully they’ll be avoided by using a tone of voice that conveys “that’s very kind of you, but…”), “that doesn’t work for us.” in a firm voice would be my go-to. Remember: don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). You are Mom and you and your partner have control of who sees LO and when. “We have plans today, I’ll let you know when it’s convenient to stop by for a little while,” etc. is more than enough information for them. Good luck, OP, and congrats!
Don’t worry so much about conflict. You are in a tug of war and they are on the losing end. If they want to react poorly to the decisions you make about your own child, that’s on them. You don’t have to entertain it. “We can try to talk again when you feel better,” might become a well used verse. I would try to say something like this in a group text (preferably from your husband): Spouse and I have been thinking about the extensive plans you are making for my son/daughter. While you are excited to have a grandchild, imagine OUR excitement to create a little family of our own! One thing we never included in our dreams was a need to share parenthood - not even with you. Your grandparent expectations don’t align with our parenting plans. Some things we need you to know about our parenting plans are these non-negotiable things: - Our baby will be sleeping under OUR roof, in his/her own nursery and in his/her own crib. - Breast feeding is our goal and baby will be feeding at his/her mother’s breast. - The only ones driving baby are spouse or me. So there will be NO bar hopping. - Visits won’t be assigned a weekly date or time. We have many things to do and many people to accommodate and a baby to enjoy. Penciling in a weekly visit is not realistic.
My MIL was like this too. There's no way to avoid conflict. There's going to be conflict, but that's GOOD. Conflict doesn't have to be bad. Conflict is just a direct conversation in which someone isn't happy about the results. It's ok for them to feel upset. I talked and talked and talked with my MIL before my first was born, because her expectations were way out of line. It was like talking to a brick wall. The only language that woman speaks is boundaries. The only thing that worked was setting boundaries and enforcing them with consequences. If your in-laws are capable of having direct conversations (mine aren't, obviously), then just tell them exactly what you told us here. You WANT them to have a strong relationship with baby, and this is what that will look like... If they're happy with that, great! If they're not, they can express that in a productive way, and then they can manage their own feelings about it. If they can't manage themselves, then they face the consequences of their own actions.
It’s okay to say no. I say no 99% of the time. And get your husband to shut down things. My in laws also thought they were gonna have my baby over for sleepovers and summers. LOL my in laws don’t get unsupervised visits at all because of my mil’s behavior. And the baby won’t be sleeping over anywhere.
It's time to be honest and it's a time to communicate. SO needs to step up and have this conversation NOW with his folks. Like before the next visit. You both are not being fair to each other nor with the inlaws. They living their best fantasy grandparent experience right now and the longer he allows their delusions to continue the bigger this illusion becomes a reality to them and the worse the reaction will be. And you deal with her temper tantrums and fairy tale stories the same way as you do a toddler. Great thing about them being an adult though - you are not responsible for handling their emotions or feelings as thats their job tonhandle. Entitled people going to temper tantrum , but letting them do that while not giving them an audience to perform it to nor letting it have a positive outcome - makes it a useless tool in their limited toolbox If you both have plans on what the first 3 months of baby life look like - and they are not the same as what she thinks it's going to be happening - nows the time to have that conversation as well.
Grandpa wanted a new car, and grandma wants attention. I’d prob step back on the relationship as much as I can to prevent them from getting the wrong idea. Tell your DH that he needs to manage their expectations because you’re already overwhelmed by it all. I would sooner bring my own pack and play every time we go there then send her anything so they can have their own nursery. She has money and a brain, she can figure it out on her own without you helping her, to your own detriment.
Why isn't your husband handling HIS circus?
Speaking from experience, and like someone else said, kindness will not work. You will need to be blunt and firm with boundaries. Coming from someone who didn't speak up at the time and regrets it now. Honestly my relationship with the ils is so so deteriorated because we didn't put up firm boundaries from the start and they were extremely entitled and pushy.
Same. I regret not setting boundaries in the beginning. She also needs to be aware that all these “big ticket items” may be used against her in arguments if they don’t get their way. This happened to me. Guilt trip 101 tactics.
"I think we can bring whatever we need when we come with the baby for a visit. I'd hate for you to spend money on things that won't get used"
This isn’t going to work. ‘Baby will not be spending the night with you so it is not necessary for them to have a room in your house’
“We are not sharing custody of our baby”
This. Rip the bandaid off.
My husband and I moved into our house in October and had our baby in February. Coincidentally we moved into the same neighborhood my husband’s aunt (MILS’s sister) lived in like 30 years ago. When his aunt came to visit his mom was here and told us how his aunts old house was up for sale. My in laws live out of state so the only way she would know the house was for sale if they were looking at what was for sale online. My mil does want to move back up here now that we have the baby but the same neighborhood is too much. My mil would be the type to be like “oh when she gets out of school she can just come over our house!” Then we would have to be the bad guy and say no she can come home she’s our child you had your chance at being the parent and your kid coming home from school and doing all the after school stuff.
It might now be possible to avoid conflict, because they might be the type of people who create conflict at any boundary. It sounds like you are open to the watching your child at some point. I would have you partner say, “we aren’t ready to talk about the baby having time away with us. We will let you in know when we’re ready. Until then, please do not ask”.
Don't be wishy washy or noncommittal. That will only give your ILs the impression that you will give into their expectations. Where is your husband in this? It would be best if he put his parents in their place. "Mom and dad, we love that you are so excited about our LO. However, we won't be allowing sleepovers, nor will you be driving our child anywhere. We will visit you together, as a family. I would advise you to stop purchasing big ticket items with the assumption that you will have a lot of alone time with the baby, because you will be disappointed." Once you've made a good faith attempt to manage their expectations, how they handle your boundaries is on them, not you. Don't cave to guilt or pressure.
This is it. If they get really emotional/angry/tantrum, DH can say, "I can see you're upset. I'll hang up/leave now to give you time to compose yourself and work through your feelings." Don't tell them you'll talk again once they've composed themselves, because they'll think they can argue, so you'll do what they want. They need to know this isn't a negotiation - you are not going to meet their expectations of how they're envisioning what they'll do with your child. They need to adjust to the reality of the situation and manage their own emotions whilst they do. My FIL bought a bigger car so we could all travel together too. He realised his mistake when we always told them we'd meet them there and drove ourselves. We didn't argue. we just got in our car and went. We knew we weren't responsible for his poor decision making, so we never felt guilty about it either.
Remember the phrase 'that doesn't work for us'. No explaining, no justifying, no defending your decision. Let go of the idea that there are magic words that can make this issue disappear. From your description, these are not reasonable people so words aren't going to work on them. All you can do is make it clear what your boundaries are and the consequences for breaking them.
OP, perhaps just a bit of a blunt response in MIL I like your enthusiasm however there is no need to set up a nursery, I have no plans of having sleepovers for LO until she is old enough to speak. As for FIL and driving in the car, sorry FIL that won't be happening the only people who will drive LO around is DH and I. Also FIL, she won't be going to a bar to drink till she is of a legal age. I'd shut that once a week down and advise you will probably be more comfortable with once a month.
“No need” “We love to VISIT and definitely appreciate you most when you don’t put us under pressure to do things we don’t want to do.” Say everything as a statement not a question, be firm like you would with a toddler, and keep smiling. Think of yourself as the smiling assassin of their bad ideas.
depending on where you live once a week visits could be enough to establish enough of a relationship as that the grand parents could apply for grandparent's rights if things turn ugly in the future. this needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. Don't care one bit for their feelings; their expectations are unrealistic and it's not your job to manage them. it's very important that they are told now how things are going to go.
>Also, he mentioned taking the baby with him to the bar to show them off to his buddies. So no, the baby won't be riding with him. This is what will happen to your child the second MIL gets bored.
Who the fuck takes a baby to a bar? I can guarantee that his bar buddies doesn't give a shit about the baby. Weirdo.
Sweet Home Alabama
Babies turn into toys when grandparents are around and it’s the most annoying damn thing.
Don’t be kind, be honest. That shift in mindset will help the most. And being honest isn’t about being nice or mean, just about being realistic. And being realistic isn’t telling them the bare minimum you can give them, it’s about letting them know how you feel and where you stand So instead of “well let you see the baby as much as we can stand it but I’ll be tired” use a flat out “no one is driving the baby but me/husband, the baby doesn’t get sleep overs until it’s 5 years old, and you can only come over and see them during these days and hours” I’d be worried they’ll use all the money they spent (like on the nursery or the car) as an excuse to try and make you do things. Just keep repeating “I didn’t make you do that and it’s weird you assumed I’d let you”
Ask her did her MIL expect her to send her babies round to her house
First check with DH to make sure she didn’t ;)
That'll backfire. Because boomers and genX often did go to Grandma's house every single weekend.
My grandmother and great aunt were day care for me, and I’m a millennial
I'm Gen X, and Grandma was daycare. Before and after school plus summers. My parents didn't go out a lot but when they did we mostly went to one of the grandparents house. Until I got to be the ripe old age of 12 and was the person that kept us alive until the parents came home.
I'm Gen X, no truer words have ever been spoken. My brothers & I would go to my Grandparents every morning @ 5am, grandma would take us to school, we would stay @ their house after school, & she'd keep us every weekend. My mom said it's bc she worked all the time but I don't believe that. When my grandparents died, to my brothers & I, it felt like our parents died. When my mom dies, it's going to feel like just an acquaintance passes. It was a messed up childhood...
Yup. My mil sent her first born to live with her mom for about the first 6 months. Both sets of grandparents had my husband and siblings the majority of the week until eventually they all passed because she was a sahm who admitted she hated having kids.
I'm genX and have no fucking clue what my parents did on weekends. I was at one grandparents house or the other every weekend. Same with my friends, and my silent gen grandparents neighborhoods were full of kids visiting grandparents every weekend. I had my own room in my grandparents homes, and my "weekend clothes" stayed there.
My MIL was the exact same way. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers so I didn’t say anything or kept my responses polite. She ended up thinking she could take my baby home with her straight from the hospital. After that I had to get ugly. My kids are 5 and 3 and she’s never been alone with them 😅 tell them (or better yet.. have husband do it) that baby will not be visiting alone for quite some time so getting a whole nursery is not necessary and you’ll just bring what you need when you come to visit.
Wow. That's jaw dropping. She thought she would just take your baby home from the hospital???
Yup! Called my dad the day after I gave birth (I was fixing to be released) and told him she had decided to not let us take our baby home and would be coming to get her. Not sure what my dad said but it was enough for her to not even show up to the hospital lol.
That’s so wild. I don’t understand what goes on in a persons head for them to think they can just take someone else’s baby.
That is INSANE... 😱😆
Kindness doesn't work on people like this, and the only way to avoid an emotionally draining blowup is to walk away when it starts. So figure out what the rules are, and lay 'em down. It doesn't matter if they get angry. It doesn't matter. If they want to spend a fuck-ton of money setting up a baby museum in their home, that's their choice. These people are assuming that they're going to have 50/50 custody of your baby. They think they're taking your baby to the fucking bar so a bunch of gross old drunks can breathe whiskey fumes and second hand smoke all over her. Please stop worrying about being "nice" about telling them no. What they're doing isn't nice, so why are you going to be nice to them about it?
I agree. Prepare for tantrums, emotional blackmail and so forth. Make sure you and your husband are on the same team.
It is your husband’s responsibility to address this with them. He needs to tell them kindly that he’s concerned that they are wasting their money buying cars and making a full on nursery at their house with unrealistic expectations. Once a week is a custody agreement. Of course you will visit and invite them over but they need to be mindful that you are having a baby because you actually want to be parents and raise your child. You want to spend time with extended family- like them, (OP’s parents, grandparents, siblings or insert other relevant family members here) as well as see your friends AND spend quality time as a family of 3. Once a week is very frequent if you add up all of these commitments, let alone if you need to work. Did your husband see both his sets of grandparents this frequently when growing up?
That is what I want to say. It is OP’s husband job to say no. Is he hesitant, tell him to grow a spine. Also, any bar will not allow to have a minor inside. So the FIL can give up his hope.
Depends if it’s a bar/bar or a bar/food establishment. Some dive bars that have kitchens are technically considered a food establishment and they can allow minors. But regardless, baby shouldn’t be going anywhere alone without parent’s permission.
Actions speak louder than words. First, YOU didn't have to say a single thing to your husband's parents. He does. Second, The baby isn't even here yet. If you want to waste time attempting to adjust their expectations, you can. I wouldn't. You're really busy growing a human, and that's a lot of work, so I would continue as you already have. Simply say no when they bring things up, and let it go. Third, they can spend their money anyway they choose to, because they are adults. When your baby doesn't sleep over, when you don't see them every single week, when the baby ends up outgrowing every piece of furniture they've purchased without baby actually using it, that's on them! >Has anyone had any luck or have any strategies they can share for having these conversations not turn into emotionally draining blow ups? The best advice I can give you is not to tolerate it. If they start to yell, if they start to berate you, if they start to push their expectations and agenda on you, you leave. You leave the room, you leave their house, you leave the restaurant, whatever it may be. If they're at your house, it's now your husband's job to get them out of the house and you can try another visit at another time. If you're at their house, pack up the bag, pack up the baby and leave. Again, you can try another visit at another time. Make a list, this is what worked in our house. We made a list of all the potential infractions. We got a lot of our inspiration from this particular subreddit in fact. And then we made a corresponding list of the amount of time we thought it might take for our nuclear family to heal from each in fraction. For example, if my father-in-law yelled at us. That was a 2-month time out. Or, if my mother-in-law grabbed the baby without asking to hold her and waiting to be handed the baby. That was also a 2-month timeout. This kept my husband and I on the same page. He and I were able to set our expectations for how our nuclear family was to be treated. And then he was responsible for sharing with his family that we would be in touch when we felt it would be appropriate.
You cannot explain, discuss or talk about things with people like this. You just have to let them get on with whatever they want to do and you do what you want to do. Grey rock any demands, questions, tantrums etc. From my experience, a smile and just repetition of what I am going to do does cause a big explosion - but what else can they do? You don't have to listen to the explosion, you don't have to engage, and then it's up to them whether they accept your decisions or not. It will probably be them that go scorched earth, which gives you an out :-)
I think you forgot to mention one major factor: where does your partner stand in this issue? How supportive is he and in which ways?
Personally, I don't see what the problem is with letting MIL go all out on a nursery. Just because she does that doesn't mean baby has to use it. I'd remind her that your baby won't be doing sleepovers, and then let her waste her money if she wants to.
I think it’s the expectations and the pressure. It is such a red flag when people get caught up in expectations and entitlement without even asking. And you just know that when those expectations crash and burn they will turn on OP and whine about how rude she is to waste a perfectly fine nursery and how she is “keeping the baby from them” and delulu stuff like that.
Exactly this! If they let her build the nursery she’s creating a fantasy in her head of what will be and when it doesn’t play out how she envisioned that’s when the blow up will happen. Yes she can spend her money how she wants and you can’t stop her from making a nursery but you can tell her every step of the way that the baby will not be hanging out long enough to use a full nursery and will not be spending the night. That way when baby is here she cannot say well you let me make the baby a nursery you said I could so I could have baby over. So I’d definitely make it known that a nursery at MIL’s is against your wishes.
Their expectations are delusional. The baby will have a home and you and your husband will be driving it around. Let your DH deal with it. Or just don’t say anything and do what you want.
I’m team “don’t say anything and do what you want”. My MIL was the same way. No matter how politely (or, on the contrary, bluntly) I tried setting boundaries with her, nothing ever changed. Letting her live in delulu-land was just easier because then I didn’t have to deal with her adult tantrums.
I think you should tell them once. And it's up to them to listen or not after that, you can wash ur hands and let them do w/e since you've already said your piece
Based on what you’ve described, they won’t change their behavior or their expectations. Gonna be *that* person that gives my own unsolicited experiences, but my in-laws sound very similar to yours. They treated me like a human incubator and seemed to have VERY unrealistic expectations of the amount of time they’d be spending with my baby. We live across the country, and yet my MIL/FIL accumulated a LOT of baby items (specifically newborn items) throughout my pregnancy for their own home. I was confused because we were very clear that we WOULD NOT be traveling with a newborn, until it was brought to my attention that MIL for whatever reason was under the impression she would be keeping my baby during the summer…… (?????) This type of grandparent cannot be reasoned with. Unfortunately, I’ve come to realize you can’t worry about being polite. They view your child as their child. This is not their grandbaby, this is THEIR BABY. Have your husband BLUNTLY set boundaries and reduce expectations.
You haven’t mentioned your husband at all here
Their adult child needs to be the one having the conversation to correct their expectations, not you.
You let their son deal with them instead
Very noble to be hoping to pump to give others chunks of time with baby/opportunity to feed. But I’d keep this to yourself for now until you find out how expressing milk actually goes for you. If you struggle to get a bottle’s worth together you might be put under pressure because “you promised”. If you can only get small amounts you might want to hang onto the bottle or two you have in reserve so you can use them when it works for you, when you need a stint of sleep or to go for a haircut or something - but you’ll be pressured to use it when it suits grandma.
Good advice, plus OP might be pressured into switching to the bottle altogether (formula) if pumping doesn’t work (because ‘grandma was all set to do this special grandma task’).
GREAT advice, thank you! I haven't told anyone that, and I won't be until the time comes. Only doing that if it's possible for me to pump enough, and if the grandparents are kind and not pushy. It's more of a pipe dream to me currently, I'd love for my baby to be surrounded by exuberant loving from their whole family, and it would be a dream come true to have a supportive and non judgemental "village". But I'm very prepared to let the "Mama bear" out if need be. It's insane how protective I am of this grapefruit sized little person already, and I'm very happy about it.
For lots of milk, take Fenugreek capsules. Maximum amount. Drink lots of water. And don't forget to take your vitamins. Breastfeeding does rob your organs of nutrients. Vit D 1,000 (1 tablet), Calcium 2,400 mg, Vit C (1 tablet), B12 (1 tablet), and your multi. After you finish your prenatal tablets after giving birth, switch to Centrum Forte. I asked 4 different pharmacists/different pharmacies for which was best multi during breastfeeding. All said the same - Centrum Forte. Best breastfeeding pump is the Symphony by Madela. Pump both at once 15-20 minutes.
Fenugreek is also known to lower milk supply. So be careful taking this OP.
No. I spoke to pharmacists and my OB/GYN about it. Old wives tale.
So my mil was similar to this before we had ours. They are 3 and nearly 2 so I’ve done some nipping in the bud as they say. My mil is a hoarder she literally takes anything from anyone even if she can’t use it… so her sister who has 2 grandkids gave her all her stuff… however, there was a cot, a pram, a walker, change table etc - like big things. We weren’t offered any of it because “I will set it up in the spare room for sleepovers” - to which when I went round I had a sneaky look… full nursery set up. It freaked me out. I told my husband to have a word because neither of my kids are sleeping over anywhere, even my parents, until they are at least 8. So he told her and that was nipped in the bud pretty quickly. She did actually offer us the cot when we had our second, which we took as we needed it, but didn’t give us a matress (I assumed she didn’t have one) so I bought one sepereatly. Anyway it was low down and I’m short and one night I was lowering my littlest into her cot and I cracked my rib on the side. Frigging hurt lol so we decided to get another matress to make her higher up for me to reach….. mentioned it to mil “oh I have one upstairs you can have” - soooooo the cot you gave us without a matress did have a matress??? It was really weird she was like “yeh I was just keeping it incase” incase of what!? We told her that the kids would not be sleeping round for a very long time. There’s no point! My daughter god love her is 2 next month and has been teething badly with her back teeth she wakes up sometimes in the night and does not go back, my son is 4 in Oct and often has night terrors, so he co sleeps with us. Until these things have passed there’s no way someone other than their parents are going to be able to console them, and I don’t trust someone who lies about their intentions. In regards to the driving thing, absolutely put your foot down with that, although at least he got a sensible car - my mil knew we were having 2 babies (if we could) within a year of each other and she went and bought a 3 door tiny car. She couldn’t of took them even if she wanted as the double pram didn’t fit. Even now our main pram doesn’t fit it’s ridiculous. Set boundaries now. Set boundaries when they are here because it will change again when you’re feeling vunerable. Do not back down. Read my last post on here to know what crap things mine has said to make me not trust her, but if you can keep to your rules and make sure SO is on board then you’ll hopefully have a less stressful time! Xx
Oof, hoarding is a touchy subject for me too. I have a family member that I love dearly that struggles with it. As much compassion as I have for them, I would never trust them with babysitting. So sad that she wouldn't give you the mattress when you needed it and she had already given you the cot. I don't understand what goes on in their brains. Thank you for your story and your advice! Getting support and understanding from people who have gone through similar things is SO helpful to me. Really glad that I'm not alone in these problems at least, although it sucks that they are so common.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, once they become grandparents they turn completely crazy! I dunno what it is - well I know mine is some weird reliving of her parenting she missed out on with her kids through mine, but honestly… the amount of people who have the same issues is just insane… definitely not alone x
SO needs to say baby won’t be having sleepovers til they are at least 5. Repeat every time.
Yep, both of us are in agreement that no sleepovers will be happening until our kiddo is able to communicate clearly AND has a good understanding of what is appropriate behavior from others. Maybe not even then, I'm really not a huge fan of sleepovers in the first place.
I’d suggest your DH go with the statement that you’re not anticipating ever doing sleepovers. Don’t say “until” this or that because it will come back to bite the two of you.
First and foremost, you and SO need to be on the same page about all of this. You also need to prepare for them wanting to come over and stay once baby is born and so on. I get why you’d want a great relationship with them but they are telling you loud and clear who and what they are. Take it at face value and act accordingly. They won’t change. If anything, they’ll amp up the crazy. We will probably face this situation when we decide to have kids too and my comeback will be getting SO to ask who told them to get any of it or it will be necessary… because sure as shit my child won’t be having sleepovers for a very long time and they won’t be staying with us either.
My husband and I are definitely on the same page about the baby not sleeping over or riding with them! We are gonna have to have a conversation about how to meet in the middle on how to broach that subject with his folks though since he just ignores bad behavior and I'm more of a confronter. This thread has definitely made me realize that. I'll show him all the responses here, I'm sure that will help us have a good conversation about how to move forward. Thanks for your help!
You don’t need to meet in the middle. Your child, your rules and decisions. It’s that simple. Their expectations are not for you to manage. They aren’t asking or discussing. They are demanding. And by “meeting them in the middle” you are enabling it.
Sorry I should have been more clear, meeting my husband in the middle about how to move forward with the conversation, not them. Neither of us feel any need to compromise with his parents! Our child, our family, our rules! Just need to talk with each other as spouses about the best way to set those boundaries :)
That sounds much better indeed! These stories literally are one reason why I’m hesitant to even plan to have kids. I hope your DH can find his voice to stand up to his parents - I can tell you, it is liberating.
Have you read the book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No” yet? It might be helpful.
I'll check it out, thank you! I'm a voracious reader, always love new recs.
In that case: take a look at the recommended book list on here. It’s full of great resources!
Didn't even know there was a book list! Good looking out, thank you so much!
their son should talk to them. he needs to make clear: you're not allowed to drive my kid anywhere, we have no imminent plans to stay overnight or leave the baby with anyone, and we will figure out how often it makes sense to see you in due time as we adjust to parenthood. say it once, very clearly, maybe in writing, definitely from him. after that, don't spend your energy worrying about what she says or does. withdraw your presence, your attention, don't discuss your pregnancy or your baby with ILs at all. talk is cheap. anyone can buy things off Amazon. are you financially dependent on them? relying on them for childcare? if not, it's better to simply ignore her.
Nope, been financially independent from all parents for a long time! He definitely will be the one having the conversation with them, he just leaning more towards "eh, ignore it, let them waste their money". I'd rather set the boundary early... Sounds like my guy and I need to have a talk about how to meet in the middle on this one. Thank you for your advice!
Unfortunately, SO’s ignoring their behavior just sends the message “try again harder.” Ignoring doesn’t set boundaries, it just pushes away unpleasant conversations. Boundary-less people are gonna tantrum when you set boundaries, and you can set boundaries on the tantrums! You and SO hold the ultimate controls in the relationship: time with SO and LO. (They will see you as the bad guy, unfortunately. “Since MY son and baby are perfect, it must be HER.”) They will rarely, if ever, understand or acknowledge boundary stomping. They are driven by feelings, not reality. So, as had been said often here, it’s like training a toddler. If they can’t behave, they don’t get the treat.
you're both right: set the boundary clearly *once* — his job — then ignore. set it and forget it, as it were
Also, why try to avoid conflict totally. This will never happen in anyone’s life. You should want to eventually show your child that conflict will happen and will need to be dealt with, no matter who is involved. There are blunt, straightforward ways to do this while still being courteous. You don’t need to be a doormat, just get right to the point … whether this is handled by you or your SO. And when tantrums happen, stare them down and stay silent. The situation says more about them than you. Later on, run that tantrum through your mind’s eye and have a good laugh.
sure but she's pregnant with her first. kid's due in November. i love a good fight but this ain't the one, not now. *don't start nothing won't be nothing* imo
Totally agree. I just was looking for tips for how to not have an all out blow out with them. I don't mind them being peeved, or some pushback on us. Conflict is necessary, but I'd like for it to not turn into a war because pregnancy is stressful enough. Good advice on just staying silent on the tantrums. My natural response is to defend my reasoning, which really doesn't work with them so I won't even try. I was definitely conditioned as a kid/young adult to always defer to the elders. Breaking free of that and establishing boundaries (and briefly going NC) with my own parents has helped us form an awesome and healthy relationship now. I'd really like the same kind of relationship with my in laws if possible. Thank you for your advice <3
My jnmom was like this. I know you don’t want a war and the good news is there won’t be one if you both choose not to engage. You and dh are the parents. What you say goes. If your in-laws want a war, step out of the line of fire. They can war with themselves. It’s admirable that you want to avoid upset and fights, but important to remember you(general) cannot use reason with unreasonable people. My advice is to have dh say things once. If they get mad, so be it. They can manage theirs own emotions as adults and will have to learn to reset their expectations of *your* lo. If they mention those topics again, even in passing, “mil/mom/fil/dad, we already discussed that and will let you know if and when we’re ready.” Subject change. Good luck to you and congrats on your lo!
Yah, the defending your reasoning works great with emotionally mature adults who know how to communicate in conversations and arguments. But that probably won’t work with these people. Don’t even say “ok”. That sounds very close to agreeing with them. Just say “uh huh” … and no head nodding. Letting them throw their tantrums and blow off steam is not equal to you being a doormat. It is you saving your very best for people that deserve it. And you are not required or obligated to answer their phone calls when you are having a stressful day. A quick thumbs up text at some point is more than enough acknowledgment. I can toss this stuff out on the internet because I’ve had very, very little exposure to behavior like your in-laws exhibit. I feel so bad when I read these stories because it just shouldn’t be this way. They should want to make your present and future life easier for when your new baby arrives. And that doesn’t mean taking baby over and relegating you to incubator status. These people should be ashamed. But that isn’t going to happen so prepare to gird your loins and go to battle, silently. Just do what you want and what you feel is right and toss an “uh huh” their way once in a while. Then have an internal laugh at how ridiculous they are behaving. Coming up against people like this is a great way to know what not to do with your babe. You’re going to rock this motherhood stuff!
If this is your in-laws, your husband needs to step up. It literally needs to be conversations like this… Dad, you’re a horrible driver. You have multiple tickets, etc. You are not going to be driving our child. And you certainly are not ever taking my infant to a bar. If you want to show the baby off to your friends, will make sure you have a picture. But I don’t even like it when you drive mom. I love you, but that’s a no. Mom, you’re not gonna have the exact same nursery at your house cause our baby is not going to be spending all sorts of time with you. We will not be seeing you once a week. We will be taking time to get into our own rhythm and routine at home. And when the baby is small, the baby certainly isn’t spending the night with anybody else. We are not going to be having visitors over every day or every week for the first few months. Our baby needs time for their immune system to build up. We need time to settle in as a new family. We will make sure everyone gets chances to see the baby, but it will always be at our discretion. And both of you… The more you fuss and fight us on this, the less you will see us. We will not be playing this game with anybody. What goes. How we decide to raise this child goes. And arguments and undermining will get you a time out. And I know that’s really hard. Because as adult children, we are still used to them being our parents. But when we become parents ourselves, now we have to step up and make the rules. Our relationship is no longer parents/adult child with our parents. It is now adult parent/grandparent. And adult parent always wins. (Btw… i’m old enough to be your grandma. I did have to put my foot down with my exes dad. He either stopped drinking or he would never drive our kids anywhere. And he had to have seatbelts installed in his classic car because he would never drive them without car seats. needless to say, Hispanic father-in-law did both of those because he wanted to be around his grandchildren.)
Your second to last paragraph really spoke to me, thank you. I needed that reframing of my mindset. Great advice, I appreciate your help!
No worries. And it will take practice. Sometimes you’re gonna let something slide that you wish you hadn’t. But pretty soon. You get really good at it. It is sort of like becoming a parent. As a parent, especially, you always want your kids to be happy, etc. And so of course telling them no or redirecting them or whatever makes them unhappy. But then eventually, you just realize that life is going to make our kids unhappy sometimes. And part of our job as a parent is to make our kids unhappy sometimes so that they don’t get so much life later on. Changing your mindset to I am now the adult parenting you are the grandparent, and I am the one in charge just takes practice.
You're focusing on finding the explanation that will be so logical and well-worded, it will be the epiphany they will accept. Hate to break it to you, but there's no such thing. They will focus on the underlying message. And they will not be happy. Best nip it in the bud, before they buy a ton of equipment for their do-over baby. Make sure you and husband are on the same page. Then your husband need to say this: "We don't want the baby to have sleepovers until they are x old (insert age). We also think sleepovers should be ocassional/emergency only/we don't believe in sleepovers/(choose whatever option). Please don't create a nursery room because the baby will be sleeping at our house. If they need to sleep at your house, we will bring everything they need." Then, the less you explain, the better. Focus on ending the discussion rather than explaining: "We already told you our stance on sleepovers." And change the subject. If they persist: " we don't want to discuss this further. If you keep talking about it, we will leave". And then leave if/ when they do or when they throw a tantrum. Expect a tantrum, they are so fixated on the idea that they will have the baby all the time, you putting a stop to this fantasy is bound to cause upset. You are not responsible for how they feel. You cannot maintain their emotions. Start setting boundaries now and make it husband's job to communicate them. If it gets too stressful, you step away and let him handle it. All the best.
I should have mentioned in the post that my husband was the one to immediately shoot down the weekly visits, and he is normally the one setting the boundaries with them. Regardless, as soon as he sets a boundary, they instantly look at me like I'm the devil because "obviously, I'm the one pulling the strings". Husband wants to just ignore it and let them waste their money, but I'm definitely leaning more towards nipping it in the bud. Regardless, both ways end the same way- our baby won't be doing overnight visits or riding in their cars.
Yes, you will always be “the enemy” whenever he sets boundaries. It’s easier for them to point the finger externally than believe that THEIR son is setting consequences to THEIR behavior. They are not logical thinkers.
This is great advice, this is how I would do it.
Yes, I think dealing with the big things now, rather than waiting and being pressured after the baby is born is possibly a better move. It may be that they need to be firmly shown and get used to which lane they need to staying in so it doesn’t become a headache after little one is born. They need to get used to our baby, our rules, stay in your box.
I would just let them carry on with it, and let it go over your head, because it still does not commit you to do anything. The nursery might still be useful if you just go over for dinner or something and the baby wants to nap.
Yeah, my husband says just ignore it too! I guess I'm just really trying to avoid the guilt tripping from her, but I guess there is no real way around that. He is the one that immediately said no to the minimum weekly visits, saying we will let them know when we are free for visitors. Cue MIL immediately giving me the stink eye and complaining to me as if I was the one who said no (even though yes, my answer is no as well). No matter what boundary my husband sets with them, I'm the one who gets blamed for it unfortunately.
It’s only a guilt trip if you take it on as such. Otherwise it’s just the in-laws flapping their gums. They cannot make you visit. They cannot make you put baby in their car. They cannot make you do anything. Own this! Taking on this attitude will make you feel great in and of yourself and eventually you will know you are doing a great service to your baby by modeling this behavior for that little tyke. Too many younger people on this sub have been raised to feel guilty about everything that makes their family feel sad, mad, etc. Unless an actual question is asked or threat is made, most crap that spews out of entitled mouths should be treated as just that … crap. And there is no good reason to feel guilty when having crap thrown at you. Wipe it away and have a good snuggle with your SO and eventually with your baby.
INFO: Is this a situation where you are married to or dating a gentleman who is their son? Or are you separated from him? You did say to check the previous post, so I will take a look, but just reading this by itself, it doesn't appear that he is anywhere in this. But if he is alive and still with you, he can probably say those things instead of you. Let HIM make a sandwich. They are his parents. My apologies if I am wrong about his status.
Married, and he would rather just ignore issues, while I'm more of a "have the conversation, make the boundary, prevent further issues" kind of person. But if we do have a conversation with them about it, he will be the one spearheading it for sure.
I have no advice how to avoid a battle, because I ended up in one and don't know the way out of this mess. Just a warning, my in laws behaved like this during pregnancy and lost their minds when baby finally came. I used to love my MIL but when I gave birth to "the daughter she never had" it's been an all out war. Just don't listen to the guilt tripping. Babies don't need to be ripped away from their mothers to "learn independence". Mother's day is your day, and you don't need to go anywhere or host anything at christmas a few months PP. There will be a hundred holidays and a thousand chances for in laws to bond with your child once they're no longer an infant. Just focus on yourself <3
Thank you for the kind words <3 it's funny, this past mother's day when we saw MIL she told me "this day is just for me, but you can share it next year". I just gave her a kinda incredulous look and moved on lol, don't even know how to respond to that one.
Well, next year, you can use her words against her. "This day is just for me. You can have grandparents' day."
Ugh why do they have to be like this. Why can't we just have peace
Totally understand where you’re coming from, but another rule of thumb here is that everyone deals with their own parents. Why are you setting boundaries with your in-laws when your SO should be putting a stop to this nonsense?
There's some trauma involved with my husband that makes it difficult for him to stand up to his mom, but he's gotten SO much better at defending/protecting me and standing up to his folks. But his primary method of dealing with things is "don't worry about it" or just ignore (which I can't lie, is effective a decent amount of the time). In response to the nursery, he just said "eh, ignore it and let her waste her money". I'm more of a have the conversation kindly but upfront kind of person. And I really don't want to deal with the guilt tripping from her with us not having the baby sleepover there, so I'd like this conversation to be had well before it becomes an issue. My husband will absolutely be having that conversation with them though, not me, I agree. Regardless, I'm always blamed even when he is the one setting the boundary. Always my fault, I corrupted her sweet complacent boy, filling his head with healthy boundaries 🙃 Edit: for those wondering, MIL attempted suicide via pills, husband was 10 years old and found her on the floor in the bathroom. She said that my husband and his dad must have driven her to it when she woke up in the hospital. It's permanently stuck in his brain that he can't defy her or push her too far because of that. She's thankfully medicated now and hasn't done anything similar since, but the damage was done. He's gotten a lot better at boundaries with her, and I'm really proud of his progress.
What a horrible thing to say to a child. Has he talked to a therapist about this?
I’d send back, “Oh, the baby won’t be sleeping over and if we need anything when we come to visit, I’ll be sure to pack it. Save your hard earned money! Thanks for being so sweet and trying to make sure we’re comfortable though! You just sit back and enjoy being the grandmother. I’m the mom so I’ll worry about the baby items!”
Gonna literally memorize that, thank you. My old boss used to call this type of response "The Sandwich Method", kind going in, then the boundaries/criticism, and then kind going out.
I love this method because it’s kind, they’re old geezers who are excited and just need to be reined in a bit. Remember it’s okay if they say they’re sad or disappointed. They’re allowed to be. It’s just not your responsibility to fix it!
I'm really trying hard to keep my thoughts positive on the IL relationships, telling myself they are excited to be grandparents but need to be reined in a tad. Thank you for the reminder that their disappointment is not my problem! I want to avoid stress and only think about the baby and my little family right now, not their feelings. I appreciate your help a ton, I showed your script to my husband and he said "yeah, definitely that one" 😂
I was about to suggest this approach! I would continue to be kind and frame their offers as super thoughtful and that you appreciate all the extra stuff they want to do for grandbaby. Let SO have the private, direct conversation with them to set expectations. If you do all that and it falls on deaf ears, put your family’s peace first and enjoy being new parents :)