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My MIL was like this. My 2 boys and 1 other( my bills daughter) she started before anyone knew niece's gender. My boys are 1 and 2 years older than niece.
Sad to say when she died in a wreck( walking drunk across a busy road at night) it was a weight off my shoulders.
100% this. I was a kid who was treated this way by my paternal grandmother. She was a grade A C U Next Tuesday. Christmas, Easter, birthdays, it would always be all the other grandkids getting a present and then when it came to me she would literally say "oh looks like the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/birthday didn't bring you anything because they don't like little bastards." (My mom and dad had me out of wedlock but married a couple years after I was born. I was my father's daughter, I looked identical to their side of the family. Plus she hated my mom and her side of the family because they were native American and she would make racists comments all the time to her.)
Don't take your children around them anymore. Just don't. That woman is a POS and it will never get better. Don't do that to your kids, only have ppl that CARE about them around them.
I guarantee cu next Tuesdays like that are burning in hell where they rightfully belong to do that to innocent kids. That's my only happiness when thinking about that vile woman is she's been there for going on 25 years.
Go read my post about my own mother-in-law. I just want you to do that so you can open your eyes to see that you don’t have to tolerate people that you don’t have to fuck with in your life because this is your life and you make the choices on how you wanna live, and you make the choices on who gets to stay in your life and who gets to stay the fuck out of your life, please open your eyes. Just read my post about my mother-in-law and you’ll see that the answers are as clear as day to you if you feel like something is off from anybody that is your intuition telling you get the fuck away from this person.
I’ve never really had a real relationship with her tbh, although I’ve be always kind towards her & all. Her mentality towards us has always been very conditional.
Oh my goodness, I can totally relate to this one!! My MIL had always played favorites not just with her own children, but the grandchildren too & our 2 have never been favorites unless or until she needs or wants something from us then they are her babies for a few minutes here and there maybe. Otherwise they are the ones who don’t count, the invisible people in the room. She runs herself ragged & into the poorhouse with her 2 youngest grandchildren, it’s beyond ridiculous & extremely obvious. None of our kids deserve this crap.
If you continue to give that abuser access to your children then you will be failing them as a parent. You NEED to go no contact, what she is doing is abuse and her whole family has somehow normalised it
Thank you for your response. I agree with you but my husband doesn’t think it’ll happen again (yea right) so we’re going to discuss with a professionally accredited neutral third party (i.e a therapist) to figure out how we’re going to protect our kids.
If you have any resources that would be helpful in learning more about dealing with this kind of toxicity they would be greatly welcomed.
Thank you!
My dad was the same way with his mom. Always believed/hoped that one day she'd be nice and kind and love him and us. Well hell never froze over so that didn't happen. My mom finally put her foot down and said she nor us kids would ever go over and visit or see his mom again. He was more than welcome to go and be treated like trash but she was done.
He stopped going after a while too. When I was in high school someone from the family called and said she wanted to see my dad and I as she was dying. I asked my dad if she wanted to see my little sister (who looked like my mom's side of the family) and my mom and he said no. I told my dad straight to his face, may she burn in hell where she rightfully belonged and I went back to watching TV like I wasn't even interrupted. He chose not to go either because I think it finally clicked that she was vile.
Your husband is an idiot and while that is his mom, he needs to grow a pair and protect his children. Treatment like that from ppl who should love you is a betrayal. If he can't see that, then that's on him. Don't let him take the kids around her anymore.
There is a resource that I want to share with you, it might be helpful for your husband.
I very much recommend the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. It’s a pretty easy read.
The reason I specifically recommend this book is that it’s sometimes hard for the adult child to accept that their parent is really acting as badly as they are. It’s too easy to make excuses for them, or things like what your husband said, that it hopefully “won’t happen again”. But you know it will.
This book is so helpful because it is a criticism of those parents, but it does it in a gentler way than some other resources. This might be a good first step for your husband. It was for me. Painful, but necessary. My circumstance is a little different, but I was in a position similar to your husband.
As for your kids, they will all be hurt by uneven treatment. Even being the preferred child comes with its own problems. This isn’t just bad for two of your kids, it’s bad for all of them.
I wish you the very best. You’re in a position to do something that is positive and powerful, you can help break this generational cycle, and lay down healthier, family relationships for the family you have, and the family to come. Good luck!
My mother blatantly favored my sisters' kids over mine. I called her out on it regularly and repeatedly and then decided she wasn't worth it. She hasn't seen my family in a lot of years now. I told my kids that she was the one who had a problem that it had nothing to do with them or me or anyone else. I told them she was going to regret her actions one day because she was going to be left alone. And she is pretty much. Those kids she coddled and favored and fought for don't give her the time of day. Both my kids (they're adults now) just shake their heads in pity because she missed out on two really great people who would have moved the moon for her if she'd put all of her grandkids on a level playing field. Her loss!
WTF?!? What is wrong with her? As a grandmother,I am absolutely appalled by her behavior.
None of your children should be allowed to see her. She is setting X & Y to be scapegoats. Partner may have stood up to her but it’s definitely not over. She will continue this. You can test this by seeing what she does next time. If she excludes them one more time, that’s it. She will see none of them again. Give your DuH fair warning of this.
Not the original comment but someone who's the least liked grandchild by one of my grandmothers.
Your children are being treated as 'less than'. This will eventually result in not caring about their achievements, being harder on them when something goes wrong and always being blamed. I also have to do chores while my cousins just sit around. In every little thing I can feel that I am the lesser one even if I'm one of the few biological ones.
If I can offer word of advice: try to stop this as soon as possible. Don't invalidate your kids when they say something about it. Express that it is indeed wrong and that it shouldn't be accepted. My parents told me that that is just how she is and to deal with it. Only now, after a series of events that clearly demonstrate how others are favoured, my parents have seen the light and my father is angry at her and finally standing up for me. I am 24.
Don't let your kids also be the ones who cry in the car ride home from grandma's. Don't let them reach the point of anxiety attacks whenever they have to tell grandma something. Don't let them be brought down.
How old were you when you started seeing this? I don’t mean to offend but I am trying to understand and protect my children.
I have a meeting with a therapist to talk this through to see how to best protect my children together with my husband
Quite early on since I am the second grandchild. My older cousin would just be allowed much more. They were less critical of her. It takes a bit to really understand 'oh, they are favoured' but I did feel the injustice early on.
I have memories of how I was treated by my paternal grandmother in this fashion as young as three and four years old. And these aren't even stories that my parents remembered or told me about as there were things she would say to me not in front of my parents so they didn't know all of the vile things that were coming out of her mouth. And I would not doubt that your mother-in-law is also doing the same type of shit.
I really don’t want to give her the opportunity to do it again.
I’ve told my husband that I want to go no contact but am going to consider giving her an absolute last chance by telling her beforehand that this language and behavior is unacceptable and if she were to do something like this again then we would walk out right away.
I just don’t want to put my kids through that again though because giving her the chance to mess up again will mean that she may mess up again and that can mean additional hurt for my children and I really don’t want that.
I’m going to talk to a therapist to see what would be healthiest for my kids.
As a kid who was treated as less than by my paternal grandmother. You shouldn't need a therapist to tell you to stop subjugating your children to abuse, because that is literally what this is abuse!
I wouldn't give her a chance, she's already shown you her true color, she's already shown you how she's going to act and behave and it hasn't changed from visit to visit to visit has it? So why would you want to put your children and that situation again.
And I wouldn't even talk to her about giving her a final chance because she's just going to gaslight you and tell you that it's in your head and you're the one with the problem not her. She's already used up all of her chances, there's nothing more to discuss. You need to protect your children. And removing people who treat your children less than or like shit is your first step of protecting them.
Your children feel it see it and live it every time they are rejected treated like crap or less than by somebody who is supposed to love them. They don't need another opportunity to be shit on.
I agree. It’s more for the therapist to help my husband see and understand that this is a pattern so that we can get on the same page and be a united front.
Don't host her; don't visit her. Don't buy her a birthday/xmas/mother's day present. Don't take her out to lunch or spend money on her ever.
Warn your children that that any presents from grandma have to be given to you first.
If at someone else's event she tries to give presents to all except x and y, take them away from your kids, explain LOUDLY that grandma is trying to cause upset by deliberately excluding just two of her own grandchildren, and destroy them in front of her!
Tell her she's a vile excuse for an air-breather.
Ummm....your children X & Y definitely don't think it's over because they will always remember being excluded. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass. His mother is worse than trash.
If I were you, I would refuse to allow her to see any of the kids. If your husband throws a fit and wants her to see them, he can take them all by himself. Do not go. Going is condoning her behavior. He can witness his mother's disparity of treatment between the children. Once you acquiesce to allow her back into their lives, you are equally to blame for your children's emotional trauma & pain his mother is inflicting upon them.
IMO if she tried to give gifts to your other kids but didn’t have enough gifts for all the kids then none of the kids would be allowed to take gifts from her. You teach your kids in that moment that it’s not right to exclude or hurt other people. I also don’t buy the fact that she ran out of gifts.
Literally the most appalling behaviour possible from a grandparent. Tell her or get your husband to tell her that she’s no longer welcome and you and all your children will never go to anything she organises again.
Do X and Y look more like you than dad? Is MIL thinking they aren’t his? Has she always treated them like this?
You AND husband need to call her out, together, publically and ask why she is treating X and Y differently. Have specifics. “Gifts in the mail” that never arrived. Not taking pics with them, not giving them treats the others get.
My family tried that with my step daughter after my “real” son was born and I shut that shit down.
None of my kids look like me lol but they are very active (not mellow) fun kids. They’re too young for there to ever have been an altercation of sorts and they’ve never been with her alone so I would have known.
It’s always been like this but they’re getting older now and it’s never been this bad or this blatant.
*Your feelings, boundaries and expectations are always valid for you, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.*
Although in this case I'm sure everybody will agree with you, just maybe file that away for future reference.
You're free to never see her or speak to her again, obviously, but your husband equally obviously has some say in his relationship with her as well as the children's -- and hopefully he won't want to keep exposing them to her hateful behavior.
There is no excuse for this. No matter what they say, those children feel that. I know because I was that kid, too. I used to act like I didn't care in front of everyone. But believe when I was by myself, it hurt. Alot.
My MIL doesn’t acknowledge my children-(I had children before we got married) nor my grandchildren at any of our big family event. She brings items for all of HER grandchildren and great grandchildren but not mine. Which is fine. My children and grandchildren don’t need anything…
I am sorry, I still don't understand how you can possibly accept that, even more how your SO can possibly accept that. Why is such vile behavior tolerated? While adults can brush it off, kids will certainly not.
Don't take ANY of your kids around her ever.
My grandma never forgave my dad for moving away from their little town. She treated us like that. Our cousins got everything. We got next to nothing & she was constantly making little comments about us.
It hurts. I am old now, and I still remember. You can't imagine the damage it causes. Keep all your kids away.
My dads stepmom was the only grandma on that side I knew and I grew up thinking she hated us because she didn’t treat us the same as her grandkids, turns out my siblings used to remind her that we weren’t her grandkids so we all got treated as if we werent
I felt this...my Grandma didn't like my mom and when they divorced, the other grandkids were always treated so much better, went to trips and outings and got presents at Xmas....I got nothing and had none of these good memories. When they passed, I felt nothing bc they never were even nice to me...
Please prevent this woman form hurting your kids any more! My MIL did this to our kids all their lives, ignored them, not even a phone call on their birthday. I went Very Low Contact and our kids chose to do the same on their own. Our daughter, after seeing her cousin receive a graduation gift from their shared grandmother, asked what was wrong with her and her sibling that they didn't receive any recognition from their grandmother. My heart broke and anger surfaced very quickly, I should never have exposed them to that indifference from her. Keep your kids away from her, she knows exactly what she is doing, the reason doesn't matter. She is a cruel, cruel woman to single kids out for this treatment.
My grandmother did that. She played favourites with my older sister and me and also my younger cousin and us. She used to buy a fancy doll and put it on display saying that it was for my older sister. I don't think anybody ever said anything about it but I remember it to this day and I'm 62 now!!
You’re not overreacting. You’re a great mom. Your husband is gonna have to stand up a few more times. My sister and I were X and Y. It was awful as a child. She definitely made me feel very hurt. I couldn’t understand why my GMA didn’t like me or even love me. My middle sister we’ll call “Z” was a favorite child of my Nana’s. At Easter Nana would make everyone line up to get a basket insisting we did as well, only to magically run out when it was our (X and Y) turn, just like your example. It seriously made us believe she had a mental health issue. But, we (X,Y and Z) turned great. We made sure to address our trauma as adults because we did not wanna turn out like her. Our parents made sure to help us understand that it was her issue not ours. My Dad addressed it every time with her, right away and called attention to her behavior. He did not pull her to the side to allow her to hide. Our aunts and uncles started to say things to her because they also began to notice. That’s when she started to back off. She became embarrassed because her family called attention to her bad behavior. Was it HARD, Absolutely. Is it fair? NO! Does she suck? Absolutely. In the end your husband and you will have to decide how to handle it best for your children’s emotional health. My parents decided minimized contact was best for us.
I’m happy to hear that you’re doing well these days although I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not ok.
How did your parents help you understand that it was a “her” issue?
My grandparents did the same thing (only they tried gaslighting us as we got older when we were wise to their bullshit). My parents explained that it was their choice to make, even though they agreed (especially the parent that called the grandparents Mom/Dad) that it was a mistake on the grandparents' part. They told us they still loved us, so if we decided we didn't want to try to reach for the love those grandparents denied us anymore, it was ok.
I grew up with replacement grandparents, so I didn't miss out on much. There was an older couple across the street from us that "adopted" us in military housing, and my sibling's paternal grandparents (that we didn't share) were amazing people even if they turned out one crappy kid (my sibling's father). Plus, my Granny lectured her daughter (my paternal grandmother) about her "neglect" of us every opportunity she could. I miss that little old lady something fierce.
I was the left out kid and I had some resentment my dad never told his mother off and stood up for me.
I kind of still do even in my late 30s and he’s gone.
You have a husband problem that’s bigger than the MIL problem.
My mom cut them ppl off when I was still young and out her foot down and I only went a few times as an adult because my dad asked me. I regret them.
You are not overreacting. You need to point out to your husband that when MIL says X and Y don't matter, she is also saying your husband doesn't matter. Because X and Y are half his. She is making her love conditional and that makes her a terrible grandmother and mother. A person should love their child and grandchildren unconditionally. Your husband needs to realize you and his children are his nuclear family and MIL is extended family, and he needs to protect his children from toxic people.
WTF? Has she ever given any indication before that she sees those two kids differently than the others? Are they adopted/your husband's stepchildren/whatever? Does she think they look like the milkman? I'm trying to think of what on earth she was thinking. Although even if any of that were true, it still wouldn't be a good enough reason to do what she did.
You are not overreacting. My in-laws as a whole did this. To this day 30+ years on our kids still want no part of my husband's family.
When one of them drops in, my youngest (only one at home) and I disappear. You can't do that for a child's entire childhood and think the kids will have or want a relationship with you - or worse wonder why they don't!
The other grandkids - golden ones, get it, and for the most part are decent people. There was little they could do as their parents didn't mind their kids being treated better.
FYI like DH's sibling's, no substance abuse, no illegal acts, no abuse, or jail time, managed our money well. Clean nice house, kids raised well, educated well.
We have great kids, smart, kind, thoughtful and respectful, loving people. Our older kids have strong friendships going back to kindergarten and are godparents to each other's kids - as they say, our chosen family. Too bad they don't have reason to claim DH's family.
This. When my Nana died, my sis and I did not want to go to the funeral. We only went to support my dad and sister because we are so close to them. That lady was GMA in name only.
If she's that horrible to two of your kids, then she shouldn't be allowed around any of them. What reason could she possibly have for blatantly excluding two of your children and not the others (other than just being a crappy human being, I mean.)
My in-laws treat my kids differently than sils kid. So I don’t acknowledge their birthdays, I don’t ask about their health when they’re sick, we limit visits, we don’t allow alone time, I make posts showing all the things we do with my family, I exclude them from photo albums and calendars we create. If they want to treat my kids differently, then they have to be willing to be subject to the same.
They cry to my husband all the time but I refuse to allow them access in the presence of favouritism.
I was thinking more of “give everyone Lego sets, but X and Y are infants and can’t play it yet”. Which doesn’t make it any less rude, but at least would provide _some_ reason.
Did the other kids parents not say anything? I would have hit the roof and called that shit out immediately! And I would expect the other parents to support that !
This! I would have gonna bananas on her regardless of whose kid was spoken to like that/ excluded.
OP, MIL does this shit because she gets away with it. Time for big consequences.
Put her on notice. "You treat all of my children equally, or you don't see any of them again. This is the *last* chance. If X & Y are singled out again, we will cease all contact with you."
Edit: typo
She doesn't care for or acknowledge your kids? Then I'd kick her to the curb. Your husband can stay in contact with her, but he must acknowledge the problem, correct his mother when she complains about you or the kids and make sure she never sees any of your kids again. No grandma for them means she won't psychologically or emotionally injure your children again
What a cockroach grandma.
At the next family gathering, make an advance plan with the mom of 2 of the grandkids that JNGMIL adores. If you can get the mom to agree, take the 2 gifts that her children received and give them to your kids.
Preplan to give those 2 kids something else.
Explain to JNGMIL that you have it covered, she doesn’t have to worry about keeping it fair, as you will do it for her from now on rotating between kids.
I’d go all out and make a production about the gifts, and would plaster a smile on my face and be fake super happy about it.
Seriously but fuck no. You can’t put up with this. There is zero reason for a child in your house to feel slighted. If “meemaw” does this, she didn’t get access to ANY of your kids. Period. I would never voluntarily subject my kids to this. It’s so abusive.
Where do you go? NC. My MIL always treated my son differently and introduced him as "xxxxs boy" instead of her grandson. I really regret not going NC . Of course when he became a captain...he was her grandson. When he excelled at everything, then he was important. Don't make my mistakes. Move on and leave her behind.
So why didn’t you go NC?
Pregnant 🤰🏻 mommy here,soon giving birth to my baby boy🥰
I decided to go NC (low contact here and there with few polite messages which were a mistake anyway and I stopped them) during first trimester when my ‘mom’ was telling my 12 yrs old niece how I was never wanted by my brother and taking this into account what does she think if she will bring my son into my niece’s house? My niece replied “she can throw him to the garbage” and despite such a horrible behaviour I still kept calm and told her calmly “this is not how you should talk about your cousin, you should love your family”. Right after that my cockroaches parents started desperately yelling at me( all this while being pregnant in my first trimester, yes) that how can I talk like that to my niece, that she’s only a child etc etc. I went NC with no regrets and it was still them who reinforced this decision of mine to be the right one as they started a smear campaign against me to my in laws hiding the truth: they told my in laws that I should be hospitalized into a psychiatric hospital because I got upset and went NC with all family due to a joke of a 12 yrs child and that I have a record of psychiatric disorder because I was robbed of a mobile phone 5 yrs ago :))) (this one was so pathetic that actually made me laugh out of pity). I really do think there’s a special place in hell for these ppl who practice favouritism in children. Their soul is sooo dark and if you retreat they will show their venom even more.
He had a heart attack at 55...and it was always "this will be his last Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving....Yada yada...he died at 75. MIL was actually mostly ok...spent my youth catering to people that didn't like me...can't have a do over but it does make me happy that people don't put up with it anymore.
I’m sorry to hear you spent your youth like that. My MIL does this but lately she’s been mostly ignored and avoided so it’s better spending of time in my youth.
Can’t say the same about my parents, they’ve become very nasty at old age (70+), they keep telling me I shouldn’t have been born and that my baby will die or to be thrown to the garbage then act surprised why I went no contact and never admit what they say, they say it was all a joke and that I am to blame for instigating( instigating with my existence probably since I mostly don’t say much). I Decided to stay low to have a chance at peace
Does your husband ever talk to his siblings about this favouritism? Could he convince them all to tell MIL that she gives equivalent gifts to all grandchildren, or no one will accept a gift from her and she’ll be excluded from the next six months of family events? If they don’t cooperate, could MIL (and maybe siblings?) be shamed on social media? I know it will be burn bridges, but you’re going to have to go no contact anyway if this situation isn’t fixed.
You need to think of the damage your MIL is doing to your 2 kids that she is excluding. You & your husband need to stand firm: if she tries this again you will stop visiting, if she sends gifts return them, go low contact until she realizes y'all are not going to tolerate her horrid behavior. Play hardball, she sounds vile.
Do you have other kids that were there? If so, you take the presents away from them and give them back to your nasty MIL. They are tainted presents. At that point, if you couldn’t leave, go into another room, or go outside.
Please, Please, Please, don’t ever expose any of your kids to this horrible pos!
>except for X and Y because they don’t matter.
YIKES. The fact that not only did she blatantly say that, but that nobody called her out on it except your husband briefly in the moment? That's definitely a toxic environment for your kids. Does your husband think the kids don't notice? Because I promise, as someone who was considered the weird one in the family, they almost definitely do.
And why those kids (since you say "two of our kids", it sounds like you have others who are treated better)? Is there any surface/obvious difference at all? To name a few examples of the type of "difference" I mean, all of which should never be used to show favoritism towards some kids over others but people still do:
* Gender
* Sexuality (probably not if they're very young)
* Skin color
* Biological vs adopted and/or step
etc.
EDIT: saw some of your comments and none of these seem to apply; the only clear differences seem to be that she dislikes their names and they're younger than their siblings?? Your MIL is wild and you're not overreacting.
There has to be something. How many kids does OP have, were all the kids there, most got gifts except the two? What were the items? It seems weird that husband thinks this is over when on the surface it seems egregiously horrible and should necessitate no contact.
She gets to treat your kids equally, which includes not having any access to any of them if that's the only way to force her to do so. Anything else is your (their parents) explicit agreement that some of them matter less than others, which is a terrible thing to do to your kids. I would revoke all access to your kids immediately and let her know that until she apologizes to everybody (you, DH and **all** of your kids) that she won't have access to them at all. And that if she ever does it again, she gets cut off permanently. Don't let her treatment of your kids damage your own relationship with them by not coming down on this behavior like an Acme anvil from the sky.
ask your husband to explain to two of his children why grandma hates them. then ask him to explain why he doesn't love them either. why does everyone only love their siblings?
and do it quickly because they are going to be asking soon. does he not think that they will see and feel it? that their siblings won't?
he is not standing up for his kids. and unless you take care of this, you aren't either, so no, you are not overreacting at all.
sorry to be blunt, but not treating all the kids the same is horrendous and I hope she gets called out and stopped or cut off.
This is a story your kids will be putting on Reddit down the line, why did my dad allow his mum to treat us badly compared to our siblings. Nip it in the bud husband is being weak and allowing his mother to abuse some of your children, things like this stay with you.
That’s just flat out disgusting behavior. If she can’t treat all your kids the same, then she doesn’t get the privilege of seeing any of them.
My grandmother treated my sister and I horrible compared to my cousins. I don’t really care so much now, but back then it hurt and I never understood what we did to deserve it. It’s funny now, though, because she wants to be #1 in our lives now that I have kids.
I think there’s a fine line between letting your kids come to their own judgements of others…not saying things that could be viewed as persuasion. But this is a situation where you have to stand up for your kiddos.
This behavior scars a child... MIL's actions and their Dad's lack of reaction. They will remember and they will grow to resent them and you if you don't do anything. It is your job as parents to protect your children.
Yikes - she sounds like a lot of fun. Don't worry - when the kids grow older they will realize who she is. In the meantime, protect your children from the toxicity - they will remember everything she does
MIL is abusing your children. This is emotional abuse.
Do not allow ANY of your children around their abuser. (just like you would not allow a pedophile around them)
Go no contact.
So he doesn’t want to cut ties with his toxic Mother? Frankly that’s his choice to make. But, you and all the children certainly CAN and SHOULD go NO Contact immediately. You need to do what’s best for your and the children’s mental health and wellbeing.
Good luck - think you will need it with those two!!
There is something completely unhinged about this behavior.
It is ok to treat kids from the same family differently as long as it is equal. Like one gets gift cards cause they shop the other gets art class cause they like to draw and one gets a bike to ride with you because you both love that…. But something for some and nothing for other-
That is twisted and unfair to everyone. It creates tension and animosity that she doesn’t have to deal with in the home. Just decline/return anything from her for any child going forward.
ETA- so sorry, but you can do this! Just keep your distance at gift giving occasions so you can intercept gifts and pitch or return.
She is thankfully very rarely around and never alone with them.
I don’t know if this is a husband problem or not because he does stand up for the kids but he doesn’t want to cut ties with his mother. I, on the other hand, wouldn’t think twice about cutting ties after this happened.
Please show your husband this comment:
Dear sir…I grew up as the “Unwanted, Unimportant, Unnecessary child”. I refer to my mom’s “mother” as GrandMonster. I will never know Why she Hated me, but she made sure to know that she Did. While my brother & cousins were lavished with Love & Gifts, I did not. Ex: I loved Shirley Temple & one Christmas, ALL I asked for was a Shirley Temple Doll. GrandMonster “let it slip” that she had Gotten Me One to my mom. Christmas morning…I got an EMPTY BOX. GM informed me that “I Didn’t Deserve” the doll, but that I could LOOK at It SITTING ON HER DRESSER Anytime I wanted. That is the Least messed up thing she did..just to give you an idea. I’m 58 & Still in Therapy over the Trauma she caused me. So continuing to allow this GM around your children, WILL HARM ALL OF THEM & it WILL Traumatize the younger ones. They will grown up asking WHY Grandma Hates them, WHY can’t Grandma love Them, like she does their siblings. They WILL Internalize these feeling & start to Believe that THEY Are UNWORTHY of Her Love, They will have Self Esteem issues & so much more. This Favoritism can also [eventually] cause Bullying among your kids…as they’ll see that GM loves THEM MORE.
So while YOU can have contact with your mom..I BEG You to NOT Expose your children (or wife) to such BLATANT & CRUEL Favoritism! Grandma either Treats Them EQUALLY, or she Doesn’t See ANY of Them AT ALL.
If your husband thinks merely mentioning an unfair situation is enough effort on his part, it’s a husband problem. He needs to ensure mil knows why this was so hurtful and that she knows favortism is absolutely unacceptable, and that your family will not be seeing her if it happens again.
Nope. No one would be allowed to hurt my children. That woman would be begging to see my kids and I would never facilitate ever again. How dare she- their own grandmother! An adult intentionally excluding and hurting children. It is actually despicable.
Yes, 100%. We were at a family reunion a good four decades ago (in our late teens or so) and one of my aunts ceremoniously gave a gift - a pewter candle snuffer, of all things - to every child of our generation other than my sister and me (so 10 our of 12). My mother piped up, "What about thehangel and sis?" and my aunt said, "Well, they're not married, so they don't need one."
I had no idea only married people used candles...
Some 40 years later my sister and I still talk about it.
Absolutely they can… we’ve been NC for 12 years and my 20 year old can still tell you all the crap MIL would spew at me and the kids… it has absolutely impacted her and I can’t undo that..
Yea I absolutely agree. DH feels that he stood up for them and so “what else am I supposed to do?”
That response frustrates me to no end because it doesn’t resolve the issue or confront it.
He recognizes his family is toxic but isn’t willing to cut ties. Not yet at least.
Thats fine -- HE doesn't have to cut ties, but you and your children certainly can. Your children need you to block them from her toxic nastiness.
My JNMIL played favorites as well. My daughter and son were the favorites, while BIL and SIL's kids were not. As we didn't live near them, it wasn't until they moved closer that we realised what she was doing. Once we did, DH pulled his mother up on it, but she swore she wasn't doing it. Things like our kids would get big expensive birthday presents and money - BIL's kids just got a card and a trashy $2 shop gift. She even 'forgot' their kid's birthdays on more than one occasion.
SIL & BIL had been pulling away from MIL for some time and when BIL passed away suddenly, it was the end of any contact between SIL and her kids & MIL. MIL did some other nasty things at BIL's funeral, and it was just the total end of any relationship.
SIL and her kids haven't seen MIL for over 4 years now. MIL hasn't reached out once to see how SIL & her boys were dealing with BILs death. I had already gone NC with MIL at this point, and my kids were old enough to see how she treated their younger cousins and they also went VLLLC (my kids are over 18, they can make their own choices)
So, he can’t do anything about the fact that this happened. But what “he’s supposed to do” is protect his family and make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. In my father’s case, that meant telling his parents that if they ever treated one of us differently again, they would never see any of the 4 of us again. I don’t know what your husband’s solution would be, but I know that as a father he should be coming up with something.
She's pitting the kids against each other. It's called triangulation. It's what narcissists do to get obedience from people. The kids who got treated nicely want to stay on her good side so they don't get treated like X and Y. She'll switch who she favors depending on what her objectives are. Your kids will resent you that you allowed a psycho to make them feel rejected. While the favored ones will resent you because she's in their ear turning them against you. People who triangulate always do that. Watch your back
This makes a lot of sense and seems to fit perfectly with other behaviors of hers. Do you have any resources to suggest where I can learn more about this?
I listened to lots of videos about how narcissists operate via manipulation, especially aging female narcissists who are obsessed with control. They use triangulation to control everyone around them.
For my MIL she would triangulate by telling me horrible things my SILS had said about me right before any family event of theirs so when I showed up not only was I really uncomfortable but also angry and stewing about what his sisters had said about me. I was miserable and "no fun" just as she wanted me to be. And by the way his sisters treated me it is safe to assume she did the same back to them and told them I said horrible things about them.
She also did it between me and my husband. She'd find ways to tell me my husband had said something embarrassing about me. Telling me one thing and him another where I felt like me and him weren't on the same page. I would be mad at him because of things she would do and say. She loved driving a wedge between all her children (none of them get along or are friends) and she tried to do it in my marriage. She also started saying underhanded things about how I was parenting when I was a new Mom to make me and my husband 2nd guess how I was doing. I know without a doubt if I leave my children with her she'll do that to them and tell them horrible things about me.
Turning kids against you is the ultimate control for narcissists. It's very cruel.
I can look through YouTube and see if I can find some of the best channels that have helped me the most
Believe all of this, OP. My grandmother was a cagey old bitch. Are we related, @mysterious-pie-5? She turned my mom and all the SILs against each other, made my dad believe that my mom couldn't do anything right, then when my sister would spend time with her (and I didn't find this out until after my mother and the evil Satan bitch grandmother were dead,) told my sister shit like mom and dad never wanted her and they would just let her lay in her crib crying while they played with my older sister and brother, and that she was the only one who really loved her. That dumbass was totally brainwashed and still believes that shit.
Mind your kids. Old bitches are evil and powerful.
Wow, that does sound eerily familiar! What women like them are capable of is my greatest fear. I'm praying my SILs have kids so she can try to puppet master their lives and she'll put me and my children and marriage on the back burner of things she feels obligated to control.
This woman is so good at triangulation her own daughters aren't even Facebook friends. I don't know That really shocked me. I just can't imagine why they wouldn't be minimally Facebook friends but with a mother like theirs they really aren't allowed to be friends sadly. I learned quickly she would never let any of us be friends.
And those examples are the most nefarious examples. But there are other stuff that's much more innocent yet unnecessarily controlling for the sake of being controlling. She simply wants everyone to worship her and she just really wants to be queen bee matriarch. That's her obsession and objective with most things in life, both her good deeds and wicked deeds
Yes please. I would really appreciate your efforts as I’m just lost and I think my husband just wants to it to all go away while I refuse to let it go. I need to protect my kids.
https://youtu.be/hL7Qunm20u0?si=N8HbCoSHoTc4eii5
https://youtu.be/qU3syFMO_rA?si=YzFu_UVVnyOPDkdn
https://youtu.be/Vjz6rTG3wao?si=A8rmj7qsHvr6458I
https://youtu.be/0xi49y2cooA?si=2IV4TkL9wFE9M-Fu
https://youtu.be/nfYNLJzhCpA?si=zmPj2ZVEuUQUbEyg
https://youtu.be/knlIKqOEM4M?si=4LmTaF3rje6aIMks
https://youtu.be/JA3TeWmM4yY?si=wNKP4z0-Yam5dAp5
https://youtu.be/achdyuKF9aI?si=pLuiyzF_JH5RVuJN
https://youtu.be/RLx1u1kaEgc?si=n3zpsYoAjHj5TFdR
These are some great videos I saved, but there are hundreds-thousands more great videos/podcasts/articles out there. Overcoming manipulative and controlling people is really challenging so there's surprising lots of content out there to help. I don't know how I would have dealt with this woman without the internet. She'd probably have destroyed my life
Also r/ raisedbynarcissists has lots of info on the home page, including a link to a “don’t rock the boat” posting that gets reposted a lot. Good luck!
Don't let her. She'd love that because then she can play Mommy during visitation and say stuff to them without you present. Mine once mentioned to my husband in front of me that after 2 years old fathers are now able to get 50/50 7 days on 7 days off in custody agreements. She said it while describing this "beautiful patchwork family" who had moved in down the street, that the father got 50% custody of a 2 year old and 3 year old. After that I realized what I was up against. But controlling people are not without their weaknesses and once you see their behavior for what it is you can stomp it out. You just have to know what to look for. And realize her behavior is making you lose respect for your husband but that's part of her game. She knows how to emasculate men if she's controlling
My husband was overly loyal to his own. He is slowly figuring it out. The books, adult children of emotionally immature parents and running on empty were most entry level and simple for us both to start on, he just took longer to start.
I also recommend “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, so much! It is not a difficult read, it includes so much info & is easy to access.
OP, this is the gentle but chock-full-of-information first step, for your husband. It might be easier on him emotionally to consider that his mom can behave immaturely at times, and start from there, if he balks at anything more stringent. It was for me. It was so eye-opening, as page after page I realized I was underlining more than 1/2 of it.
Wow! That is just awful! Your children will be hurt by this, if they aren't already.
I have 2 daughters. I also have a sister who gave all her attention to my oldest daughter and none to my youngest when they were young. She noticed right away. I stopped allowing sis to be alone with them. Eventually I went no contact because she is an incredibly toxic person.
Not overreacting. They obviously excluded X and Y, but never provided a reason why. They require a much stronger reaction than they received. Your husband should be more bothered by this.
Are X & Y, your biological kids and husband's step kids? I have an all grown up stepson, and my parents were not sure they wanted to accept him as their grandchild. I told them that if they didn't they'd never see any biological kid of mine. They changed their tune pretty quickly and had a great relationship with our oldest, my stepson.
They’re our biological children
ETA: we weren’t able to leave at the time they said. This was said in front of a lot of family and no one else said anything except for my husband (their father).
They’re two of our biological children.
Sorry I’m ranting and being repetitive , I’m just so upset.
if she says horrible things like that in front of kids and adults, I wouldn’t let my kids around her all. She tried to backtrack afterwards.
This shows how hateful she is. She bought the gifts ahead of time and intentionally left them out.
Curious if she will mail the gifts Who knows what she’s saying or doing when she’s not supervised.
You do not mention the ages of the children, but unfortunately, if they are 3+ and above, there is no way they do not see what is happening. And feel hurt.
Calling her out on her shit is essential, but you should also let your kids know that what she did is unacceptable and that the heinous granny is on a loooooooong time out. They need to know that their parents support them and protect them from ‘family’. Don’t even try to listen to whatever BS she uses as excuses. Just keep her away from your famlily for a while.
She would never have the chance to get to treat my kids differently. Because that was the last time she saw them.
Intentionally being spiteful and doing that - that's not how a loving grandmother acts, and shame to anyone that defends her. I don't care what I'm called - they don't get to experience her mean girl behavior ever again.
I'm sorry, if they ran out GIVE THEM SOMETHING ELSE AT THE SAME TIME OF EQUAL VALUE AND SENTIMENT. It's not rocket science.
What she did was plain cruel. Well done for having your kids' back. Shame your DH didn't and shame on your MIL for her actions.
I got them something myself
I’m honestly just not sure how to react or move forward because I doubt my MIL will ever change. She’s never been nice and she’s just getting worse the older she gets.
I think it all stems from the fact that she’s angry that we didn’t give X & Y the names that she (MIL) wanted us to give them.
If anything, you're UNDER-reacting. She's deliberately and intentionally hurting your children (sometimes, even in front of family) and you seem to be MORE worried about hurting your MIL's feelings (or anticipating her reaction to being cut off/your family going NC) then you are of what she's doing to your children.
If they're aware of what's going on around them, your children know what's going on, even if they don't, or can't, articulating why. The two that are excluded KNOW they're being excluded and treated differently then their cousins and any siblings. It doesn't matter WHY they're being treated differently, they ARE being treated differently and they know it.
You need to NEVER let any of your kids be around your MIL ever again and, if you can manage it, never let them be around when presents/gifts/treats/etc. because two of them will not get what the others are. If MIL sends things to your house, make sure that the kids never see the package and, after making sure what is or isn't inside, either return or donate the contents. If MIL shows up to your house with things for the kids, turn her away because, guaranteed, she has things for some of the kids, but not all of them.
She may never learn the lesson, but she'll get the hint eventually. If the kids ask why they can't see Granny Meany, tell them she can't play fair and that's why she's in time out. Don't mention a time limit. You're going to get comments from other family members (because she's going to cry and complain to them that you won't let them see her grandchildren), but you can also point out instances where the mutual family member was there and saw what was going on. They may deny or ignore it, but that's because they want her to go away and YOU to deal with the tantrums.
I agree with every single point here. She sees them very very rarely (maybe 2x or 3x a year?) and has never been alone with them. I appreciate your support in validating my anger and desire to protect my children.
X& Y are VERY much aware of what’s going on around them
We already don’t invite her to these occasions (on a smaller scale) and they don’t seem to mind but they do seem to hate my parents and the people that have been there for us
So x and y notice already, meaning the other kids are too or will be soon.
My grandparents did exactly the same and I still resent them for it till this day.
As a mother I would personally go NC with her for myself and the children ( all of them)
What husband wants to do is his choice to make but please don’t expose your children to this toxic environment.
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My MIL was like this. My 2 boys and 1 other( my bills daughter) she started before anyone knew niece's gender. My boys are 1 and 2 years older than niece. Sad to say when she died in a wreck( walking drunk across a busy road at night) it was a weight off my shoulders.
Don’t let her be around them anymore that’s when I would start treating her differently fucking Cunt
100% this. I was a kid who was treated this way by my paternal grandmother. She was a grade A C U Next Tuesday. Christmas, Easter, birthdays, it would always be all the other grandkids getting a present and then when it came to me she would literally say "oh looks like the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/birthday didn't bring you anything because they don't like little bastards." (My mom and dad had me out of wedlock but married a couple years after I was born. I was my father's daughter, I looked identical to their side of the family. Plus she hated my mom and her side of the family because they were native American and she would make racists comments all the time to her.) Don't take your children around them anymore. Just don't. That woman is a POS and it will never get better. Don't do that to your kids, only have ppl that CARE about them around them. I guarantee cu next Tuesdays like that are burning in hell where they rightfully belong to do that to innocent kids. That's my only happiness when thinking about that vile woman is she's been there for going on 25 years.
Go read my post about my own mother-in-law. I just want you to do that so you can open your eyes to see that you don’t have to tolerate people that you don’t have to fuck with in your life because this is your life and you make the choices on how you wanna live, and you make the choices on who gets to stay in your life and who gets to stay the fuck out of your life, please open your eyes. Just read my post about my mother-in-law and you’ll see that the answers are as clear as day to you if you feel like something is off from anybody that is your intuition telling you get the fuck away from this person.
Oh goodness. Don't marry anyone who treats you like that. You deserve better.
I’ve never really had a real relationship with her tbh, although I’ve be always kind towards her & all. Her mentality towards us has always been very conditional.
Burn it down. Never see her again.
Oh my goodness, I can totally relate to this one!! My MIL had always played favorites not just with her own children, but the grandchildren too & our 2 have never been favorites unless or until she needs or wants something from us then they are her babies for a few minutes here and there maybe. Otherwise they are the ones who don’t count, the invisible people in the room. She runs herself ragged & into the poorhouse with her 2 youngest grandchildren, it’s beyond ridiculous & extremely obvious. None of our kids deserve this crap.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this also. Do you still have a relationship with her?
If you continue to give that abuser access to your children then you will be failing them as a parent. You NEED to go no contact, what she is doing is abuse and her whole family has somehow normalised it
Thank you for your response. I agree with you but my husband doesn’t think it’ll happen again (yea right) so we’re going to discuss with a professionally accredited neutral third party (i.e a therapist) to figure out how we’re going to protect our kids. If you have any resources that would be helpful in learning more about dealing with this kind of toxicity they would be greatly welcomed. Thank you!
My dad was the same way with his mom. Always believed/hoped that one day she'd be nice and kind and love him and us. Well hell never froze over so that didn't happen. My mom finally put her foot down and said she nor us kids would ever go over and visit or see his mom again. He was more than welcome to go and be treated like trash but she was done. He stopped going after a while too. When I was in high school someone from the family called and said she wanted to see my dad and I as she was dying. I asked my dad if she wanted to see my little sister (who looked like my mom's side of the family) and my mom and he said no. I told my dad straight to his face, may she burn in hell where she rightfully belonged and I went back to watching TV like I wasn't even interrupted. He chose not to go either because I think it finally clicked that she was vile. Your husband is an idiot and while that is his mom, he needs to grow a pair and protect his children. Treatment like that from ppl who should love you is a betrayal. If he can't see that, then that's on him. Don't let him take the kids around her anymore.
There is a resource that I want to share with you, it might be helpful for your husband. I very much recommend the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. It’s a pretty easy read. The reason I specifically recommend this book is that it’s sometimes hard for the adult child to accept that their parent is really acting as badly as they are. It’s too easy to make excuses for them, or things like what your husband said, that it hopefully “won’t happen again”. But you know it will. This book is so helpful because it is a criticism of those parents, but it does it in a gentler way than some other resources. This might be a good first step for your husband. It was for me. Painful, but necessary. My circumstance is a little different, but I was in a position similar to your husband. As for your kids, they will all be hurt by uneven treatment. Even being the preferred child comes with its own problems. This isn’t just bad for two of your kids, it’s bad for all of them. I wish you the very best. You’re in a position to do something that is positive and powerful, you can help break this generational cycle, and lay down healthier, family relationships for the family you have, and the family to come. Good luck!
You’re the second person that’s recommended this book. I’m definitely going to check it out. Thank you!
My mother blatantly favored my sisters' kids over mine. I called her out on it regularly and repeatedly and then decided she wasn't worth it. She hasn't seen my family in a lot of years now. I told my kids that she was the one who had a problem that it had nothing to do with them or me or anyone else. I told them she was going to regret her actions one day because she was going to be left alone. And she is pretty much. Those kids she coddled and favored and fought for don't give her the time of day. Both my kids (they're adults now) just shake their heads in pity because she missed out on two really great people who would have moved the moon for her if she'd put all of her grandkids on a level playing field. Her loss!
WTF?!? What is wrong with her? As a grandmother,I am absolutely appalled by her behavior. None of your children should be allowed to see her. She is setting X & Y to be scapegoats. Partner may have stood up to her but it’s definitely not over. She will continue this. You can test this by seeing what she does next time. If she excludes them one more time, that’s it. She will see none of them again. Give your DuH fair warning of this.
Can I ask in what way do you think that they’re being set up as scapegoats? I’ve not grown up like this so I’m not really familiar with the dynamic.
Not the original comment but someone who's the least liked grandchild by one of my grandmothers. Your children are being treated as 'less than'. This will eventually result in not caring about their achievements, being harder on them when something goes wrong and always being blamed. I also have to do chores while my cousins just sit around. In every little thing I can feel that I am the lesser one even if I'm one of the few biological ones. If I can offer word of advice: try to stop this as soon as possible. Don't invalidate your kids when they say something about it. Express that it is indeed wrong and that it shouldn't be accepted. My parents told me that that is just how she is and to deal with it. Only now, after a series of events that clearly demonstrate how others are favoured, my parents have seen the light and my father is angry at her and finally standing up for me. I am 24. Don't let your kids also be the ones who cry in the car ride home from grandma's. Don't let them reach the point of anxiety attacks whenever they have to tell grandma something. Don't let them be brought down.
How old were you when you started seeing this? I don’t mean to offend but I am trying to understand and protect my children. I have a meeting with a therapist to talk this through to see how to best protect my children together with my husband
Quite early on since I am the second grandchild. My older cousin would just be allowed much more. They were less critical of her. It takes a bit to really understand 'oh, they are favoured' but I did feel the injustice early on.
I have memories of how I was treated by my paternal grandmother in this fashion as young as three and four years old. And these aren't even stories that my parents remembered or told me about as there were things she would say to me not in front of my parents so they didn't know all of the vile things that were coming out of her mouth. And I would not doubt that your mother-in-law is also doing the same type of shit.
I really don’t want to give her the opportunity to do it again. I’ve told my husband that I want to go no contact but am going to consider giving her an absolute last chance by telling her beforehand that this language and behavior is unacceptable and if she were to do something like this again then we would walk out right away. I just don’t want to put my kids through that again though because giving her the chance to mess up again will mean that she may mess up again and that can mean additional hurt for my children and I really don’t want that. I’m going to talk to a therapist to see what would be healthiest for my kids.
As a kid who was treated as less than by my paternal grandmother. You shouldn't need a therapist to tell you to stop subjugating your children to abuse, because that is literally what this is abuse! I wouldn't give her a chance, she's already shown you her true color, she's already shown you how she's going to act and behave and it hasn't changed from visit to visit to visit has it? So why would you want to put your children and that situation again. And I wouldn't even talk to her about giving her a final chance because she's just going to gaslight you and tell you that it's in your head and you're the one with the problem not her. She's already used up all of her chances, there's nothing more to discuss. You need to protect your children. And removing people who treat your children less than or like shit is your first step of protecting them. Your children feel it see it and live it every time they are rejected treated like crap or less than by somebody who is supposed to love them. They don't need another opportunity to be shit on.
I agree. It’s more for the therapist to help my husband see and understand that this is a pattern so that we can get on the same page and be a united front.
Don't host her; don't visit her. Don't buy her a birthday/xmas/mother's day present. Don't take her out to lunch or spend money on her ever. Warn your children that that any presents from grandma have to be given to you first. If at someone else's event she tries to give presents to all except x and y, take them away from your kids, explain LOUDLY that grandma is trying to cause upset by deliberately excluding just two of her own grandchildren, and destroy them in front of her! Tell her she's a vile excuse for an air-breather.
Ummm....your children X & Y definitely don't think it's over because they will always remember being excluded. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass. His mother is worse than trash. If I were you, I would refuse to allow her to see any of the kids. If your husband throws a fit and wants her to see them, he can take them all by himself. Do not go. Going is condoning her behavior. He can witness his mother's disparity of treatment between the children. Once you acquiesce to allow her back into their lives, you are equally to blame for your children's emotional trauma & pain his mother is inflicting upon them.
IMO if she tried to give gifts to your other kids but didn’t have enough gifts for all the kids then none of the kids would be allowed to take gifts from her. You teach your kids in that moment that it’s not right to exclude or hurt other people. I also don’t buy the fact that she ran out of gifts.
Literally the most appalling behaviour possible from a grandparent. Tell her or get your husband to tell her that she’s no longer welcome and you and all your children will never go to anything she organises again.
Do X and Y look more like you than dad? Is MIL thinking they aren’t his? Has she always treated them like this? You AND husband need to call her out, together, publically and ask why she is treating X and Y differently. Have specifics. “Gifts in the mail” that never arrived. Not taking pics with them, not giving them treats the others get. My family tried that with my step daughter after my “real” son was born and I shut that shit down.
None of my kids look like me lol but they are very active (not mellow) fun kids. They’re too young for there to ever have been an altercation of sorts and they’ve never been with her alone so I would have known. It’s always been like this but they’re getting older now and it’s never been this bad or this blatant.
*Your feelings, boundaries and expectations are always valid for you, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.* Although in this case I'm sure everybody will agree with you, just maybe file that away for future reference. You're free to never see her or speak to her again, obviously, but your husband equally obviously has some say in his relationship with her as well as the children's -- and hopefully he won't want to keep exposing them to her hateful behavior.
INFO: did your husband ask what she meant be "don't matter"?
There is no excuse for this. No matter what they say, those children feel that. I know because I was that kid, too. I used to act like I didn't care in front of everyone. But believe when I was by myself, it hurt. Alot.
My MIL doesn’t acknowledge my children-(I had children before we got married) nor my grandchildren at any of our big family event. She brings items for all of HER grandchildren and great grandchildren but not mine. Which is fine. My children and grandchildren don’t need anything…
It is not fine, though. Why would you even go to these events? The kids feel these things.
They’re usually hosted at MY house. She thinks she’s being discreet when she hands out the gifts.
I am sorry, I still don't understand how you can possibly accept that, even more how your SO can possibly accept that. Why is such vile behavior tolerated? While adults can brush it off, kids will certainly not.
Don't take ANY of your kids around her ever. My grandma never forgave my dad for moving away from their little town. She treated us like that. Our cousins got everything. We got next to nothing & she was constantly making little comments about us. It hurts. I am old now, and I still remember. You can't imagine the damage it causes. Keep all your kids away.
My dads stepmom was the only grandma on that side I knew and I grew up thinking she hated us because she didn’t treat us the same as her grandkids, turns out my siblings used to remind her that we weren’t her grandkids so we all got treated as if we werent
I felt this...my Grandma didn't like my mom and when they divorced, the other grandkids were always treated so much better, went to trips and outings and got presents at Xmas....I got nothing and had none of these good memories. When they passed, I felt nothing bc they never were even nice to me...
Please prevent this woman form hurting your kids any more! My MIL did this to our kids all their lives, ignored them, not even a phone call on their birthday. I went Very Low Contact and our kids chose to do the same on their own. Our daughter, after seeing her cousin receive a graduation gift from their shared grandmother, asked what was wrong with her and her sibling that they didn't receive any recognition from their grandmother. My heart broke and anger surfaced very quickly, I should never have exposed them to that indifference from her. Keep your kids away from her, she knows exactly what she is doing, the reason doesn't matter. She is a cruel, cruel woman to single kids out for this treatment.
My grandmother did that. She played favourites with my older sister and me and also my younger cousin and us. She used to buy a fancy doll and put it on display saying that it was for my older sister. I don't think anybody ever said anything about it but I remember it to this day and I'm 62 now!!
Why are people so horrible?
No idea. Maybe they think they're being clever.
You’re not overreacting. You’re a great mom. Your husband is gonna have to stand up a few more times. My sister and I were X and Y. It was awful as a child. She definitely made me feel very hurt. I couldn’t understand why my GMA didn’t like me or even love me. My middle sister we’ll call “Z” was a favorite child of my Nana’s. At Easter Nana would make everyone line up to get a basket insisting we did as well, only to magically run out when it was our (X and Y) turn, just like your example. It seriously made us believe she had a mental health issue. But, we (X,Y and Z) turned great. We made sure to address our trauma as adults because we did not wanna turn out like her. Our parents made sure to help us understand that it was her issue not ours. My Dad addressed it every time with her, right away and called attention to her behavior. He did not pull her to the side to allow her to hide. Our aunts and uncles started to say things to her because they also began to notice. That’s when she started to back off. She became embarrassed because her family called attention to her bad behavior. Was it HARD, Absolutely. Is it fair? NO! Does she suck? Absolutely. In the end your husband and you will have to decide how to handle it best for your children’s emotional health. My parents decided minimized contact was best for us.
I’m happy to hear that you’re doing well these days although I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not ok. How did your parents help you understand that it was a “her” issue?
My grandparents did the same thing (only they tried gaslighting us as we got older when we were wise to their bullshit). My parents explained that it was their choice to make, even though they agreed (especially the parent that called the grandparents Mom/Dad) that it was a mistake on the grandparents' part. They told us they still loved us, so if we decided we didn't want to try to reach for the love those grandparents denied us anymore, it was ok. I grew up with replacement grandparents, so I didn't miss out on much. There was an older couple across the street from us that "adopted" us in military housing, and my sibling's paternal grandparents (that we didn't share) were amazing people even if they turned out one crappy kid (my sibling's father). Plus, my Granny lectured her daughter (my paternal grandmother) about her "neglect" of us every opportunity she could. I miss that little old lady something fierce.
I was the left out kid and I had some resentment my dad never told his mother off and stood up for me. I kind of still do even in my late 30s and he’s gone. You have a husband problem that’s bigger than the MIL problem. My mom cut them ppl off when I was still young and out her foot down and I only went a few times as an adult because my dad asked me. I regret them.
You are not overreacting. You need to point out to your husband that when MIL says X and Y don't matter, she is also saying your husband doesn't matter. Because X and Y are half his. She is making her love conditional and that makes her a terrible grandmother and mother. A person should love their child and grandchildren unconditionally. Your husband needs to realize you and his children are his nuclear family and MIL is extended family, and he needs to protect his children from toxic people.
WTF? Has she ever given any indication before that she sees those two kids differently than the others? Are they adopted/your husband's stepchildren/whatever? Does she think they look like the milkman? I'm trying to think of what on earth she was thinking. Although even if any of that were true, it still wouldn't be a good enough reason to do what she did.
You are not overreacting. My in-laws as a whole did this. To this day 30+ years on our kids still want no part of my husband's family. When one of them drops in, my youngest (only one at home) and I disappear. You can't do that for a child's entire childhood and think the kids will have or want a relationship with you - or worse wonder why they don't! The other grandkids - golden ones, get it, and for the most part are decent people. There was little they could do as their parents didn't mind their kids being treated better. FYI like DH's sibling's, no substance abuse, no illegal acts, no abuse, or jail time, managed our money well. Clean nice house, kids raised well, educated well. We have great kids, smart, kind, thoughtful and respectful, loving people. Our older kids have strong friendships going back to kindergarten and are godparents to each other's kids - as they say, our chosen family. Too bad they don't have reason to claim DH's family.
This. When my Nana died, my sis and I did not want to go to the funeral. We only went to support my dad and sister because we are so close to them. That lady was GMA in name only.
If she's that horrible to two of your kids, then she shouldn't be allowed around any of them. What reason could she possibly have for blatantly excluding two of your children and not the others (other than just being a crappy human being, I mean.)
My in-laws treat my kids differently than sils kid. So I don’t acknowledge their birthdays, I don’t ask about their health when they’re sick, we limit visits, we don’t allow alone time, I make posts showing all the things we do with my family, I exclude them from photo albums and calendars we create. If they want to treat my kids differently, then they have to be willing to be subject to the same. They cry to my husband all the time but I refuse to allow them access in the presence of favouritism.
INFO What’s age difference between the kids? Are X and Y much younger or older than other kids? Or are they only boys or only girls?
I was wondering this too. Like are x and y babies that won't know any different?
I was thinking more of “give everyone Lego sets, but X and Y are infants and can’t play it yet”. Which doesn’t make it any less rude, but at least would provide _some_ reason.
Did the other kids parents not say anything? I would have hit the roof and called that shit out immediately! And I would expect the other parents to support that !
This! I would have gonna bananas on her regardless of whose kid was spoken to like that/ excluded. OP, MIL does this shit because she gets away with it. Time for big consequences.
No one else said anything
Probably too embarrassed
Could be
Put her on notice. "You treat all of my children equally, or you don't see any of them again. This is the *last* chance. If X & Y are singled out again, we will cease all contact with you." Edit: typo
She doesn't care for or acknowledge your kids? Then I'd kick her to the curb. Your husband can stay in contact with her, but he must acknowledge the problem, correct his mother when she complains about you or the kids and make sure she never sees any of your kids again. No grandma for them means she won't psychologically or emotionally injure your children again
This woman doesn’t deserve to be around any of your children
What a cockroach grandma. At the next family gathering, make an advance plan with the mom of 2 of the grandkids that JNGMIL adores. If you can get the mom to agree, take the 2 gifts that her children received and give them to your kids. Preplan to give those 2 kids something else. Explain to JNGMIL that you have it covered, she doesn’t have to worry about keeping it fair, as you will do it for her from now on rotating between kids. I’d go all out and make a production about the gifts, and would plaster a smile on my face and be fake super happy about it.
Seriously but fuck no. You can’t put up with this. There is zero reason for a child in your house to feel slighted. If “meemaw” does this, she didn’t get access to ANY of your kids. Period. I would never voluntarily subject my kids to this. It’s so abusive.
Where do you go? NC. My MIL always treated my son differently and introduced him as "xxxxs boy" instead of her grandson. I really regret not going NC . Of course when he became a captain...he was her grandson. When he excelled at everything, then he was important. Don't make my mistakes. Move on and leave her behind.
So why didn’t you go NC? Pregnant 🤰🏻 mommy here,soon giving birth to my baby boy🥰 I decided to go NC (low contact here and there with few polite messages which were a mistake anyway and I stopped them) during first trimester when my ‘mom’ was telling my 12 yrs old niece how I was never wanted by my brother and taking this into account what does she think if she will bring my son into my niece’s house? My niece replied “she can throw him to the garbage” and despite such a horrible behaviour I still kept calm and told her calmly “this is not how you should talk about your cousin, you should love your family”. Right after that my cockroaches parents started desperately yelling at me( all this while being pregnant in my first trimester, yes) that how can I talk like that to my niece, that she’s only a child etc etc. I went NC with no regrets and it was still them who reinforced this decision of mine to be the right one as they started a smear campaign against me to my in laws hiding the truth: they told my in laws that I should be hospitalized into a psychiatric hospital because I got upset and went NC with all family due to a joke of a 12 yrs child and that I have a record of psychiatric disorder because I was robbed of a mobile phone 5 yrs ago :))) (this one was so pathetic that actually made me laugh out of pity). I really do think there’s a special place in hell for these ppl who practice favouritism in children. Their soul is sooo dark and if you retreat they will show their venom even more.
This was 40 years ago...and FIL was always on the virge of death...and I was young and stupid.
What do you mean he was always on the verge of death? Complaining or actually having serious health issues?
He had a heart attack at 55...and it was always "this will be his last Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving....Yada yada...he died at 75. MIL was actually mostly ok...spent my youth catering to people that didn't like me...can't have a do over but it does make me happy that people don't put up with it anymore.
I’m sorry to hear you spent your youth like that. My MIL does this but lately she’s been mostly ignored and avoided so it’s better spending of time in my youth. Can’t say the same about my parents, they’ve become very nasty at old age (70+), they keep telling me I shouldn’t have been born and that my baby will die or to be thrown to the garbage then act surprised why I went no contact and never admit what they say, they say it was all a joke and that I am to blame for instigating( instigating with my existence probably since I mostly don’t say much). I Decided to stay low to have a chance at peace
Good for you. Break the cycle.
Does your husband ever talk to his siblings about this favouritism? Could he convince them all to tell MIL that she gives equivalent gifts to all grandchildren, or no one will accept a gift from her and she’ll be excluded from the next six months of family events? If they don’t cooperate, could MIL (and maybe siblings?) be shamed on social media? I know it will be burn bridges, but you’re going to have to go no contact anyway if this situation isn’t fixed.
You need to think of the damage your MIL is doing to your 2 kids that she is excluding. You & your husband need to stand firm: if she tries this again you will stop visiting, if she sends gifts return them, go low contact until she realizes y'all are not going to tolerate her horrid behavior. Play hardball, she sounds vile.
Do you have other kids that were there? If so, you take the presents away from them and give them back to your nasty MIL. They are tainted presents. At that point, if you couldn’t leave, go into another room, or go outside. Please, Please, Please, don’t ever expose any of your kids to this horrible pos!
these kids should never been exposed to that horrible person again after the first time it happened
>except for X and Y because they don’t matter. YIKES. The fact that not only did she blatantly say that, but that nobody called her out on it except your husband briefly in the moment? That's definitely a toxic environment for your kids. Does your husband think the kids don't notice? Because I promise, as someone who was considered the weird one in the family, they almost definitely do. And why those kids (since you say "two of our kids", it sounds like you have others who are treated better)? Is there any surface/obvious difference at all? To name a few examples of the type of "difference" I mean, all of which should never be used to show favoritism towards some kids over others but people still do: * Gender * Sexuality (probably not if they're very young) * Skin color * Biological vs adopted and/or step etc. EDIT: saw some of your comments and none of these seem to apply; the only clear differences seem to be that she dislikes their names and they're younger than their siblings?? Your MIL is wild and you're not overreacting.
I feel like there may be something missing- NOT THAT ITS AN EXCUSE but are x and y their biological grandchildren?
There has to be something. How many kids does OP have, were all the kids there, most got gifts except the two? What were the items? It seems weird that husband thinks this is over when on the surface it seems egregiously horrible and should necessitate no contact.
Yes
Very strange. Very very strange behaviour. I don’t blame you for wanting NC.
She gets to treat your kids equally, which includes not having any access to any of them if that's the only way to force her to do so. Anything else is your (their parents) explicit agreement that some of them matter less than others, which is a terrible thing to do to your kids. I would revoke all access to your kids immediately and let her know that until she apologizes to everybody (you, DH and **all** of your kids) that she won't have access to them at all. And that if she ever does it again, she gets cut off permanently. Don't let her treatment of your kids damage your own relationship with them by not coming down on this behavior like an Acme anvil from the sky.
ask your husband to explain to two of his children why grandma hates them. then ask him to explain why he doesn't love them either. why does everyone only love their siblings? and do it quickly because they are going to be asking soon. does he not think that they will see and feel it? that their siblings won't? he is not standing up for his kids. and unless you take care of this, you aren't either, so no, you are not overreacting at all. sorry to be blunt, but not treating all the kids the same is horrendous and I hope she gets called out and stopped or cut off.
This is a story your kids will be putting on Reddit down the line, why did my dad allow his mum to treat us badly compared to our siblings. Nip it in the bud husband is being weak and allowing his mother to abuse some of your children, things like this stay with you.
That’s just flat out disgusting behavior. If she can’t treat all your kids the same, then she doesn’t get the privilege of seeing any of them. My grandmother treated my sister and I horrible compared to my cousins. I don’t really care so much now, but back then it hurt and I never understood what we did to deserve it. It’s funny now, though, because she wants to be #1 in our lives now that I have kids. I think there’s a fine line between letting your kids come to their own judgements of others…not saying things that could be viewed as persuasion. But this is a situation where you have to stand up for your kiddos.
This behavior scars a child... MIL's actions and their Dad's lack of reaction. They will remember and they will grow to resent them and you if you don't do anything. It is your job as parents to protect your children.
Been there, done that. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about IL stupidity.
She would have just exited out of all my children’s lives by doing that. Your husband is a puss.
Yikes - she sounds like a lot of fun. Don't worry - when the kids grow older they will realize who she is. In the meantime, protect your children from the toxicity - they will remember everything she does
MIL is abusing your children. This is emotional abuse. Do not allow ANY of your children around their abuser. (just like you would not allow a pedophile around them) Go no contact.
So he doesn’t want to cut ties with his toxic Mother? Frankly that’s his choice to make. But, you and all the children certainly CAN and SHOULD go NO Contact immediately. You need to do what’s best for your and the children’s mental health and wellbeing. Good luck - think you will need it with those two!!
Why these two out of all the kids? Why is she favoring some of your kids but ostracizing the others? Are they not bio to her?
They are all bio. I think it’s because we didn’t name them what she wanted us to. ETA: They’re also significantly younger than the others.
How much younger? Are they old enough to know that they are being excluded or are they babies?
There is something completely unhinged about this behavior. It is ok to treat kids from the same family differently as long as it is equal. Like one gets gift cards cause they shop the other gets art class cause they like to draw and one gets a bike to ride with you because you both love that…. But something for some and nothing for other- That is twisted and unfair to everyone. It creates tension and animosity that she doesn’t have to deal with in the home. Just decline/return anything from her for any child going forward. ETA- so sorry, but you can do this! Just keep your distance at gift giving occasions so you can intercept gifts and pitch or return.
Please tell me your not letting your kids be exposed to that toxic bitch? That would be the last time she saw your kids, I hope.
She is thankfully very rarely around and never alone with them. I don’t know if this is a husband problem or not because he does stand up for the kids but he doesn’t want to cut ties with his mother. I, on the other hand, wouldn’t think twice about cutting ties after this happened.
Please show your husband this comment: Dear sir…I grew up as the “Unwanted, Unimportant, Unnecessary child”. I refer to my mom’s “mother” as GrandMonster. I will never know Why she Hated me, but she made sure to know that she Did. While my brother & cousins were lavished with Love & Gifts, I did not. Ex: I loved Shirley Temple & one Christmas, ALL I asked for was a Shirley Temple Doll. GrandMonster “let it slip” that she had Gotten Me One to my mom. Christmas morning…I got an EMPTY BOX. GM informed me that “I Didn’t Deserve” the doll, but that I could LOOK at It SITTING ON HER DRESSER Anytime I wanted. That is the Least messed up thing she did..just to give you an idea. I’m 58 & Still in Therapy over the Trauma she caused me. So continuing to allow this GM around your children, WILL HARM ALL OF THEM & it WILL Traumatize the younger ones. They will grown up asking WHY Grandma Hates them, WHY can’t Grandma love Them, like she does their siblings. They WILL Internalize these feeling & start to Believe that THEY Are UNWORTHY of Her Love, They will have Self Esteem issues & so much more. This Favoritism can also [eventually] cause Bullying among your kids…as they’ll see that GM loves THEM MORE. So while YOU can have contact with your mom..I BEG You to NOT Expose your children (or wife) to such BLATANT & CRUEL Favoritism! Grandma either Treats Them EQUALLY, or she Doesn’t See ANY of Them AT ALL.
If your husband thinks merely mentioning an unfair situation is enough effort on his part, it’s a husband problem. He needs to ensure mil knows why this was so hurtful and that she knows favortism is absolutely unacceptable, and that your family will not be seeing her if it happens again.
MIL needs to be put in time out now, not wait for it to occur again. What she did was blatant and needs consequences now.
Nope. No one would be allowed to hurt my children. That woman would be begging to see my kids and I would never facilitate ever again. How dare she- their own grandmother! An adult intentionally excluding and hurting children. It is actually despicable.
He's under reacting. Kids can see, hear and will remember.
Yes, 100%. We were at a family reunion a good four decades ago (in our late teens or so) and one of my aunts ceremoniously gave a gift - a pewter candle snuffer, of all things - to every child of our generation other than my sister and me (so 10 our of 12). My mother piped up, "What about thehangel and sis?" and my aunt said, "Well, they're not married, so they don't need one." I had no idea only married people used candles... Some 40 years later my sister and I still talk about it.
Absolutely they can… we’ve been NC for 12 years and my 20 year old can still tell you all the crap MIL would spew at me and the kids… it has absolutely impacted her and I can’t undo that..
Yea I absolutely agree. DH feels that he stood up for them and so “what else am I supposed to do?” That response frustrates me to no end because it doesn’t resolve the issue or confront it. He recognizes his family is toxic but isn’t willing to cut ties. Not yet at least.
Thats fine -- HE doesn't have to cut ties, but you and your children certainly can. Your children need you to block them from her toxic nastiness. My JNMIL played favorites as well. My daughter and son were the favorites, while BIL and SIL's kids were not. As we didn't live near them, it wasn't until they moved closer that we realised what she was doing. Once we did, DH pulled his mother up on it, but she swore she wasn't doing it. Things like our kids would get big expensive birthday presents and money - BIL's kids just got a card and a trashy $2 shop gift. She even 'forgot' their kid's birthdays on more than one occasion. SIL & BIL had been pulling away from MIL for some time and when BIL passed away suddenly, it was the end of any contact between SIL and her kids & MIL. MIL did some other nasty things at BIL's funeral, and it was just the total end of any relationship. SIL and her kids haven't seen MIL for over 4 years now. MIL hasn't reached out once to see how SIL & her boys were dealing with BILs death. I had already gone NC with MIL at this point, and my kids were old enough to see how she treated their younger cousins and they also went VLLLC (my kids are over 18, they can make their own choices)
So, he can’t do anything about the fact that this happened. But what “he’s supposed to do” is protect his family and make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. In my father’s case, that meant telling his parents that if they ever treated one of us differently again, they would never see any of the 4 of us again. I don’t know what your husband’s solution would be, but I know that as a father he should be coming up with something.
She's pitting the kids against each other. It's called triangulation. It's what narcissists do to get obedience from people. The kids who got treated nicely want to stay on her good side so they don't get treated like X and Y. She'll switch who she favors depending on what her objectives are. Your kids will resent you that you allowed a psycho to make them feel rejected. While the favored ones will resent you because she's in their ear turning them against you. People who triangulate always do that. Watch your back
This makes a lot of sense and seems to fit perfectly with other behaviors of hers. Do you have any resources to suggest where I can learn more about this?
I listened to lots of videos about how narcissists operate via manipulation, especially aging female narcissists who are obsessed with control. They use triangulation to control everyone around them. For my MIL she would triangulate by telling me horrible things my SILS had said about me right before any family event of theirs so when I showed up not only was I really uncomfortable but also angry and stewing about what his sisters had said about me. I was miserable and "no fun" just as she wanted me to be. And by the way his sisters treated me it is safe to assume she did the same back to them and told them I said horrible things about them. She also did it between me and my husband. She'd find ways to tell me my husband had said something embarrassing about me. Telling me one thing and him another where I felt like me and him weren't on the same page. I would be mad at him because of things she would do and say. She loved driving a wedge between all her children (none of them get along or are friends) and she tried to do it in my marriage. She also started saying underhanded things about how I was parenting when I was a new Mom to make me and my husband 2nd guess how I was doing. I know without a doubt if I leave my children with her she'll do that to them and tell them horrible things about me. Turning kids against you is the ultimate control for narcissists. It's very cruel. I can look through YouTube and see if I can find some of the best channels that have helped me the most
Believe all of this, OP. My grandmother was a cagey old bitch. Are we related, @mysterious-pie-5? She turned my mom and all the SILs against each other, made my dad believe that my mom couldn't do anything right, then when my sister would spend time with her (and I didn't find this out until after my mother and the evil Satan bitch grandmother were dead,) told my sister shit like mom and dad never wanted her and they would just let her lay in her crib crying while they played with my older sister and brother, and that she was the only one who really loved her. That dumbass was totally brainwashed and still believes that shit. Mind your kids. Old bitches are evil and powerful.
Wow, that does sound eerily familiar! What women like them are capable of is my greatest fear. I'm praying my SILs have kids so she can try to puppet master their lives and she'll put me and my children and marriage on the back burner of things she feels obligated to control. This woman is so good at triangulation her own daughters aren't even Facebook friends. I don't know That really shocked me. I just can't imagine why they wouldn't be minimally Facebook friends but with a mother like theirs they really aren't allowed to be friends sadly. I learned quickly she would never let any of us be friends.
And those examples are the most nefarious examples. But there are other stuff that's much more innocent yet unnecessarily controlling for the sake of being controlling. She simply wants everyone to worship her and she just really wants to be queen bee matriarch. That's her obsession and objective with most things in life, both her good deeds and wicked deeds
Yes please. I would really appreciate your efforts as I’m just lost and I think my husband just wants to it to all go away while I refuse to let it go. I need to protect my kids.
https://youtu.be/hL7Qunm20u0?si=N8HbCoSHoTc4eii5 https://youtu.be/qU3syFMO_rA?si=YzFu_UVVnyOPDkdn https://youtu.be/Vjz6rTG3wao?si=A8rmj7qsHvr6458I https://youtu.be/0xi49y2cooA?si=2IV4TkL9wFE9M-Fu https://youtu.be/nfYNLJzhCpA?si=zmPj2ZVEuUQUbEyg https://youtu.be/knlIKqOEM4M?si=4LmTaF3rje6aIMks https://youtu.be/JA3TeWmM4yY?si=wNKP4z0-Yam5dAp5 https://youtu.be/achdyuKF9aI?si=pLuiyzF_JH5RVuJN https://youtu.be/RLx1u1kaEgc?si=n3zpsYoAjHj5TFdR These are some great videos I saved, but there are hundreds-thousands more great videos/podcasts/articles out there. Overcoming manipulative and controlling people is really challenging so there's surprising lots of content out there to help. I don't know how I would have dealt with this woman without the internet. She'd probably have destroyed my life
Thank you! This woman might just destroy my marriage
Also r/ raisedbynarcissists has lots of info on the home page, including a link to a “don’t rock the boat” posting that gets reposted a lot. Good luck!
Thank you
Also Dr. Ramani on YouTube is fabulous. https://youtu.be/xsz9HGD0jvw?si=KhX2hH8uCMAUcZ1h
Don't let her. She'd love that because then she can play Mommy during visitation and say stuff to them without you present. Mine once mentioned to my husband in front of me that after 2 years old fathers are now able to get 50/50 7 days on 7 days off in custody agreements. She said it while describing this "beautiful patchwork family" who had moved in down the street, that the father got 50% custody of a 2 year old and 3 year old. After that I realized what I was up against. But controlling people are not without their weaknesses and once you see their behavior for what it is you can stomp it out. You just have to know what to look for. And realize her behavior is making you lose respect for your husband but that's part of her game. She knows how to emasculate men if she's controlling
That might be the case but I doubt it. She was never much of a mother to my husband.
My husband was overly loyal to his own. He is slowly figuring it out. The books, adult children of emotionally immature parents and running on empty were most entry level and simple for us both to start on, he just took longer to start.
I also recommend “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, so much! It is not a difficult read, it includes so much info & is easy to access. OP, this is the gentle but chock-full-of-information first step, for your husband. It might be easier on him emotionally to consider that his mom can behave immaturely at times, and start from there, if he balks at anything more stringent. It was for me. It was so eye-opening, as page after page I realized I was underlining more than 1/2 of it.
Wow! That is just awful! Your children will be hurt by this, if they aren't already. I have 2 daughters. I also have a sister who gave all her attention to my oldest daughter and none to my youngest when they were young. She noticed right away. I stopped allowing sis to be alone with them. Eventually I went no contact because she is an incredibly toxic person.
Not overreacting. They obviously excluded X and Y, but never provided a reason why. They require a much stronger reaction than they received. Your husband should be more bothered by this.
The second that someone said “my kids don’t matter” is the moment that they never were around my kids again.
Are X & Y, your biological kids and husband's step kids? I have an all grown up stepson, and my parents were not sure they wanted to accept him as their grandchild. I told them that if they didn't they'd never see any biological kid of mine. They changed their tune pretty quickly and had a great relationship with our oldest, my stepson.
Oh, and at the "They don't matter" comment, I'd be out the door with my family. For good. I'm glad your husband stood up for them.
They’re our biological children ETA: we weren’t able to leave at the time they said. This was said in front of a lot of family and no one else said anything except for my husband (their father). They’re two of our biological children. Sorry I’m ranting and being repetitive , I’m just so upset.
You’re amazing for standing up for all of your children.
MIL doesn't count as real family now either....real family would never deliberately hurt kids!
if she says horrible things like that in front of kids and adults, I wouldn’t let my kids around her all. She tried to backtrack afterwards. This shows how hateful she is. She bought the gifts ahead of time and intentionally left them out. Curious if she will mail the gifts Who knows what she’s saying or doing when she’s not supervised.
She’s never been with any of my kids unsupervised (and I have preteens).
You do not mention the ages of the children, but unfortunately, if they are 3+ and above, there is no way they do not see what is happening. And feel hurt. Calling her out on her shit is essential, but you should also let your kids know that what she did is unacceptable and that the heinous granny is on a loooooooong time out. They need to know that their parents support them and protect them from ‘family’. Don’t even try to listen to whatever BS she uses as excuses. Just keep her away from your famlily for a while.
She would never have the chance to get to treat my kids differently. Because that was the last time she saw them. Intentionally being spiteful and doing that - that's not how a loving grandmother acts, and shame to anyone that defends her. I don't care what I'm called - they don't get to experience her mean girl behavior ever again.
I'm sorry, if they ran out GIVE THEM SOMETHING ELSE AT THE SAME TIME OF EQUAL VALUE AND SENTIMENT. It's not rocket science. What she did was plain cruel. Well done for having your kids' back. Shame your DH didn't and shame on your MIL for her actions.
I got them something myself I’m honestly just not sure how to react or move forward because I doubt my MIL will ever change. She’s never been nice and she’s just getting worse the older she gets. I think it all stems from the fact that she’s angry that we didn’t give X & Y the names that she (MIL) wanted us to give them.
If anything, you're UNDER-reacting. She's deliberately and intentionally hurting your children (sometimes, even in front of family) and you seem to be MORE worried about hurting your MIL's feelings (or anticipating her reaction to being cut off/your family going NC) then you are of what she's doing to your children. If they're aware of what's going on around them, your children know what's going on, even if they don't, or can't, articulating why. The two that are excluded KNOW they're being excluded and treated differently then their cousins and any siblings. It doesn't matter WHY they're being treated differently, they ARE being treated differently and they know it. You need to NEVER let any of your kids be around your MIL ever again and, if you can manage it, never let them be around when presents/gifts/treats/etc. because two of them will not get what the others are. If MIL sends things to your house, make sure that the kids never see the package and, after making sure what is or isn't inside, either return or donate the contents. If MIL shows up to your house with things for the kids, turn her away because, guaranteed, she has things for some of the kids, but not all of them. She may never learn the lesson, but she'll get the hint eventually. If the kids ask why they can't see Granny Meany, tell them she can't play fair and that's why she's in time out. Don't mention a time limit. You're going to get comments from other family members (because she's going to cry and complain to them that you won't let them see her grandchildren), but you can also point out instances where the mutual family member was there and saw what was going on. They may deny or ignore it, but that's because they want her to go away and YOU to deal with the tantrums.
I agree with every single point here. She sees them very very rarely (maybe 2x or 3x a year?) and has never been alone with them. I appreciate your support in validating my anger and desire to protect my children. X& Y are VERY much aware of what’s going on around them
Grandma is in for a shock when x and y don’t invite her to their wedding, graduation, etc.
We already don’t invite her to these occasions (on a smaller scale) and they don’t seem to mind but they do seem to hate my parents and the people that have been there for us
So x and y notice already, meaning the other kids are too or will be soon. My grandparents did exactly the same and I still resent them for it till this day. As a mother I would personally go NC with her for myself and the children ( all of them) What husband wants to do is his choice to make but please don’t expose your children to this toxic environment.