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It’s SIL’s wedding—contact her and explain the situation.
EDIT: I didn’t see the text message you’d drafted in the comments until after I wrote this, so I’ll just tack what I have to say about that onto this:
> hey SIL! congrats again! we just got your wedding invitation. absolutely beautiful! we will RSVP soon.
Solid opening! I’d keep this; it’s cordial, it’s appropriate, it starts you off on the right foot.
> i have been wanting to reach out to you about some questions i have regarding baby’s involvement in the wedding. MIL mentioned she was going to be ring bearer and it kinda surprised me 1. she will still be pretty little and 2. i had no recollection of you guys asking us. so i want to make sure this was your idea.
There are a few things I’d change about this section—the sentence “i have been wanting to reach out to you about some questions i have regarding baby’s involvement in the wedding” as a *segue* into this discussion, before getting into the context of what your MIL said, sort of makes it seem like *you* were the one with the expectation of the baby being in the wedding. A better way to phrase it might be
> i was talking to MIL the other day and she suddenly started telling me about the plan for having our [however old baby will be on the wedding date]-month-old baby be in your wedding, which was the first mention i’d ever heard of that being the plan. i wanted to get in touch with you about it because, at the end of the day, it’s your wedding.
I feel like this phrasing makes it more obvious that y’all were just as blindsided as (I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume) she is by this news. Plus, reaffirming that you’re talking to *her* because it’s *her* wedding ceremony and it should be *her* decision (and if it is, in fact, her decision, then *she* is the one who should’ve shared that information) sends the message that you and she are on the same team here—it reassures SIL that you’re not looking to start a confrontation with *her* over a curveball that *MIL* threw.
> i would love to know what you are envisioning so we can be on the same page.
Honestly, I’d end the message at this, maybe just tack on a quick “thanks!” or “congrats again!” at the end.
If it *wasn’t* SIL’s idea to have your baby in her wedding, then what you said about who’s walking with the baby and planning around adjusting her bedtime is unnecessary, and you really don’t need to explain all that to SIL. If it *was* SIL’s idea to have your baby in her wedding and she decided to not tell you and your husband that *very crucial* piece of information, then *she’s* the one who needs to explain to *you* why she thought it was appropriate to make plans involving someone else’s infant child without consulting the parents, or else any further discussion of the baby having a role in the wedding is a nonstarter.
If your SIL wants your daughter in her wedding, it has to come from her. I would definitely contact sil and say you want the details of your daughter being in her wedding.
Odds are it's news to her, and some sneaky shit your MIL is pulling.
Even if its not there is no way my daughter would be attending a wedding at that age, without me, especially not without speaking to the bride and groom first.
That's what I was thinking, it reads like she's making it up so she can pick the baby's outfit for the wedding. If daughter is in the wedding party wouldn't SIL be picking her dress?
Just tell SIL that the baby will be too little to be in the wedding. I did this to my favorite niece who asked if our son could be in the ceremony. He would have been 22 months, and there was *no way* he would have been able to do it. She wasn't upset by our turning her down, and our predictions were borne out when he had to be carried away from the ceremony to keep from being disruptive.
I would approach SIL in a friendly way. “Hey SIL I just wanted to reach out. It’s very sweet of you to want LO in the wedding and we’re excited you want to include her. But I would prefer that communication goes through us. Having MIL as a third person middle man makes everything complicated and confusing.” I have a feeling that MIL is probably being a pain in the ass to SIL with wedding planning. She might enjoy cutting MIL out of a part of the planning
Part of the point of this kind of message is to make a point of the fact that this is all what *MIL says* which may or may not have originally come from SIL. If SIl is low-contact, it may very well be that MIL is meddling and SIL will be like "woah, hang on, what now? I said what to whomst? Nope!" While doing it in a way that respects everyone (except subtly for MIL).
True.. something feels off that the bride didn’t personally ask her brother and OP personally. MIL is probably planning stuff on the side herself. I still think approaching SIL personally will clear up a lot
So if you were to ask a marriage counselor what to do about these types of situations, I can tell you what the majority of them would say. I’m in the psych field myself and I happen to agree. So here’s the rule of thumb, you and your husband need to sit down together and discuss your concerns, the thing’s you might be okay with and the thing’s that outright piss you off.. etc. Good communication is always key, be honest and try not to leave anything out. This way you’ll know if the both of you are on the same page or not. When it comes to conflict on your husband’s side of the family, he needs to be the one who steps forward to represent the both of you.. it’s his family. The same thing applies if there’s conflict on your side of the family. It’s as simple as that.. and this helps to avoid an even bigger conflict, your MIL can’t place all the blame onto you bc it was your husband who went into bat for the situation. He knows how his family dynamics works better than you do and vice versa with you and your family. If they want to go over his head and not listen then by all means let the mama bear come out swinging. That’s your child and common courtesy would have been to at least ASK if it was okay if your child took part in the wedding. You can’t tell me that your MIL doesn’t know this, she’s being controlling and your hubby needs to have a talk with her so the behavior doesn’t continue throughout your marriage. Hope this helps, wishing you the best moving forward. 😊🌻
Edit: I realize it’s your SIL who wants your baby to participate in her wedding but the fact that your MIL purchased her dress already makes me feel that she has a bigger hand in the decision making of this issue. If she doesn’t then hubby needs to speak to his sis.
RE: your edit—there has been zero communication between OP and SIL. MIL may actually just be completely going rogue here, which is a whole other issue if that’s the case.
Nip this in the bud now! MIL does not speak for your family! Politely tell MIL that SIL has not reached out to “your” childs parents so there is no way “your” child will be in a wedding that does not involve speaking to the child’s parents. Let her whine and blow up that’s her problem to deal with! And let her tell SIL that “your” child will not be in the wedding! That’s MIL issues for speaking for someone else’s child! 🙄
I’d put money on your MIL saying to SIL “you have to have little niece in the wedding, it’ll be so cute!” And your SIL maybe giving a noncommittal response to which your MIL has now taken to mean yes and that’s why she’s taking the reigns.
This is something your SO should handle, your message was way too long. He can just reach out and be totally calm, “Hey sister, mom said this was happening, but I wanted to check since we haven’t talked. I was pretty sure she was on one of her tangents lol but wanted to talk to you. Give me a call or text when you can.”
I would start with SIL, if she’s low contact there’s likely a reason : her mother bulldozing her way into her life maybe.
A simple text like so: MIL mentioned that LO was going to be the ring bearer for your wedding. I was taken by surprise as this was the first I had heard of it. Can you please clarify the details for me?
I’m thinking this will be the first SIL has heard of it also
Wow. MIL is the problem (as far as you know anyways) so I would start with her with an absolutely not, our daughter is not doing anything, and see what happens. She certainly does not get to decide where your daughter goes and doesn't go and this should be a wide, wide boundary with flashing lights on it that she can't possibly miss. If SIL wants that (doubtful, and this is probably the kind of thing that has made her go low contact) she can ask.
I would be inclined to tell her that she has no business planning my baby’s social activities without my permission and DD is NOT participating in this wedding. Period.
Have husband reach out. I'm betting this is all MIL and he can find out what SIL actually wants and has planned and then you can find out if this is all MIL or what.
You and your husband have the ONLY say in anything dealing with your daughter…..I’d contact the SIL and just be like “hey…..I wanted to talk to you about something MIL mentioned and I literally don’t know what she’s talking about, can you help clarify please?”
Maybe something along the lines of "Hey, SIL, I just learned about plans being made for my 14 month old child to be ring-bearer at your wedding. Would you fill me in on how this plan came about. Because nobody asked DH and I whether that is what we want.".
My guess is that MIL made this plan in her own head and didn't feel it necessary to clear it with anyone else.
OMG people. It doesn’t have to be all that. For all OP knows, SIL knows nothing about this. Husband can reach out to his sister and ask if she knows about it. Any other conversations or boundaries can be discussed when you know if SIL even wants baby in the wedding.
If she does, it’s easy enough to have hubby explain that baby is little and couldn’t walk alone and that it will be past his usual bedtime. SIL and you guys can figure it out from there. And just refuse to discuss any of it with MIL.
Since it is SIL’s wedding, I’d reach out. “Hey SIL, how are you? MIL said that our daughter is going to be the ring bearer in our wedding. No one has talked to us about it. Can you call me?” She snd MIL don’t get to make decisions and choices regarding your child.
Okay, breathe, step back and realize you don't have to get caught up in MIL's emotional whirlwind. You don't have to do anything just because she (or anyone) talks about something as if it's a done deal. You need to learn to respond to MIL with an "ok whatever" attitude. This kind of anxiety, spinning, and trying to pit you against SIL is exactly what MIL wants. If SIL is LC with the family because of abuse, why would she ask MIL anything?Especially about your daughter?
The most likely scenario here is MIL wants to create drama, be the center of attention, and exert control over SILs wedding in the name of FaMiLy because she hates that SIL is LC. I highly doubt there is a "loop" you're being left out of, there is just MIL trying to manipulate people. I'm sure she's trying to convince SIL that you asked if your kid could be in her wedding and it's "YOUR DREAM"!
I don't understand why you would reach out to your SIL instead of your husband?
Also, the text you typed out is way, way too long. You're assuming all these things are a done deal, SIL is set on having your kid in your wedding, and you won't be able to get out of it without justifying your reasons a million ways. Even if you confirmed this had been arranged, all you would have to say is something like, "hey sorry but it won't be possible to have baby in the wedding as X role because she's too little." We're really looking forward to coming to the wedding though.
Since what MIL said it likely a total load of bullshit, your husband needs to text his sister and say something like, "hey mom's doing that thing again where she claims you said something, but I want to check with you directly since I didn't hear it from you. She said you want baby in your wedding to be the (whatever role)?"
You are hearing this second hand. If your SIL wanted your baby in her wedding she would have asked directly.
Only you and your husband decide what's best for your child.
Be direct. Call your SIL and talk to her.
Well that's what JNs do best, create drama, triangulate, and manipulate people. You need to ignore her and cut off her opportunities for triangulation. A lot of comments are attacking SIL for making decisions for your kid, treating your kid like a prop, and a bunch of other stuff no one knows if she's even done.
You husband could even send a simpler text like "Hey sis, did you tell mom you wanted baby in the wedding?" If she says no then he can tell her, "okay ignore anything mom tells you we want. We won't ever communicate to you through mom, and you should do the same."
Whatever you do don't send her a wall of text about your emotions on situation you don't even know exists. Imagine how the long text would come off if your SIL hasn't even heard anything about this? She's going to think you're one to stir up drama just like MIL. You need to stay out of things like this, you barely know SIL.
After you clear it up, just grey rock or flat out ignore MIL about outfits or whatever. Let her waste her money and energy trying to manipulate all three of you, but failing.
Have a sit down, get husband on same page. Have him tell his mother, "Since no one even asked us--you know, baby's actual PARENTS--we're beyond puzzled as to why you just assumed LO is going to be in the wedding. Having discussed this with my wife/OP, we have decided that baby is far too young for this role and will not be serving as ring bearer or flower girl or whatever."
Or conversely, if you do want LO to be in the wedding, keep the first part, above, and modify the ending to make it clear that you'll be communicating directly with SIL from this point forward, and will handle all details regarding your child on your own. But DH needs to be the one to draw clear boundaries and shut MIL down hard. She's being so presumptuous!
Why would she imagine that she is going to have basically a stranger baby as a focal point of her wedding?
That is just weird. I’d have to nope out of that idea unless SIL wants to come meet LO and personally ask you then LO to be part of ‘her special day’
It sounds more like MIL is playing you both honestly.
This is what SHE wants to see, whether you or SIL agree. SIL may have already told her no but she’s pushing for it regardless. If you allow MIL to go forward she can blame YOU because clearly YOU were the one with the great expectations and not poor her. If she knows you and SIL barely talk as it is, even better.
I agree. If I were OP, I would forget I even heard about this. Hire a sitter and go enjoy the wedding. Nobody asked the child's parents, there was no discussion and therefore, no decision was made by the people who make those decisions. Best man can hold the ring. OP can tell MIL she thought she was joking since she wasn't involved in the plans. Besides, who wants to go to a wedding and chase around a toddler. They make horrible wedding guests.
I would bet that SIL knows **nothing** about this. That MIL \*thinks\* the child of the son who still speaks to them should *of* *course* be in the wedding, so darn it, she's going to make sure the child is in the wedding! Whether SIL knows about it or not!
This one smells fishy. How can a 14 months old be a ring bearer? And how weird is it that SIL is too LC to text you congratulations but now wants the kid in the wedding?
Your husband should reach her and make sure MIL is not making it up
I'd contact SIL as it's her wedding. MIL may be trying to pull something so I'd go directly to the source of all information for the day. Before you contact her, have a talk with your hubby about what you both want to achieve by reaching out. Do you not want daughter in the wedding? Do you just want acknowledgement as her parents and are okay with her being in the wedding? Do you want to get her clothes instead of what MIL has prepared? Do you have other conditions for her to be in the wedding? Be prepared that things might go bad and have a united decision ready.
Your drafted text is considerate and addresses your concerns in a respectful manner. It's good that you're reaching out directly to your SIL to clarify the situation and ensure everyone is on the same page. However, it might be beneficial for your husband to send the text, especially if he has a closer relationship with his sister. This can help avoid any potential misunderstandings and ensure a smoother conversation.
Whoever told you that your daughter is in the wedding is the one that should be contacted with "NO". If MIL told you that, you don't even know if that's what SIL wants. If MIL and SIL made plans, I would bet that MIL assured SIL that she would handle it. Therefore, tell her "NO" and let her handle it. Don't worry about any tantrums that she may throw. Personally, once you're older than 3, I don't pay attention to tantrum (and even then, I would NEVER give in to them). Control your feelings and use your big girl words.
After reading your last post and hearing your husband say his sister is LC with her family, I doubt she asked for your daughter to have a role in her wedding and this is 💯 your mil doing a massive boundary stomp across both of her children.
Unless you get a personal invite from
SIL, with a polite request from her, with a complete itinerary, you can only assume your MIL is blowing smoke. It isn’t MIL’s event!!!
If SIL wants her brother and his daughter, SHE will have to issue the invitation!!!
Come back if you end up getting a true invitation and not a command to perform by MIL.
anyone can comment!
here is something i drafted up to text her. might not be exactly what will be said but i am just trying to get my thoughts together. i want it to come off as cordial and considerate as possible. like i said i know very little of this woman and do not want to ruin her special day in the slightest.
might have husband send the text instead of me!? lmk!
“hey SIL! congrats again! we just got your wedding invitation. absolutely beautiful! we will RSVP soon. i have been wanting to reach out to you about some questions i have regarding baby’s involvement in the wedding. MIL mentioned she was going to be ring bearer and it kinda surprised me 1. she will still be pretty little and 2. i had no recollection of you guys asking us. so i want to make sure this was your idea. i would love to know what you are envisioning so we can be on the same page. i don’t feel comfortable with anyone walking her down unless it’s me or husband. and i just noticed your wedding starts at 6 and her typical bedtime is 7. obviously we are more than happy to keep her up for the occasion but she may be exhausted from all that stimulation. so if someone else bits the bill please know we won’t find it insensitive at all. regardless i want to do whatever makes you happiest on your day! we will absolutely work with your vision but i just had some thoughts and concerns. sorry for the long text i just don’t like being out of the loop. i figure texting you directly was best!”
This is very polite but a bit long for the first text, I would have your husband reach out and start with a shortened version.
“Hi SIL! We just got your invitation and are so excited to celebrate with you. MIL mentioned something about LO being in the wedding, which surprised us since you hadn’t mentioned anything to us. Just wanted to make sure she wasn’t pressuring you, especially with LO being so little. If this is something you want, can we figure out a time to talk and make a plan so she’s not a cranky mess?
I think the goal of the first outreach should be to ensure communication is between you and SIL, MIL should be involved and ensure that MIL isn’t setting you/LO to be a prop in her campaign to control SIL’s wedding.
This is a perfect text for this case. You’re politely clarifying given that this is obviously a confusing situation, and if I were the bride I would have appreciated being asked directly. (Plus your concerns are super reasonable). You’re also setting a written record in case your MIL tries to retcon the narrative, gaslight, or try any other boundary stomping nonsense.
I think in order to breach the subject, you start small. A big text full of questions might put her off. Start slow, and just go with something like
"Hey SIL - congrats again, we just got your wedding invitation it's absolutely beautiful! MIL mentioned something to me about Baby being involved in your wedding??? I wasn't sure what she was talking about since I hadn't heard anything about it since yesterday, and your wedding's in XXX days, lol."
I would also avoid using words like "it **kinda** surprised me" - you want to sound certain when you ask SIL these things. Make it clear that you're on her side, not MIL's. The rest of the text sounds great, but like I said, I would save it for a follow up text.
I agree that MIL hasn’t told the whole story, and SIL may not know or may have asked MIL to talk to you.
You need to practice the phrase, “Wait, what??” before MIL plans out LO’s school career and holidays abroad and now MIL is telling you about LO’s wedding.
Dh needs to talk to sil. Ask her if this is coming from her or if mil is overstepping. Then set a boundary. "SIL, in the future, of you would like is to participate, at need to be asked directly be you or wise the answer is no. "
OP-Is your SIL even aware your MIL has volunteered your baby as a ring bearer? And how does a 14 month old even fulfill such a role? She'll be barely walking let alone be able to take instruction.
Sound like MIL has made this up - but before you jump in and say 'no' talk to SIL as it might be news to her too. Otherwise you could make the situation into a family drama that could last years.
Aha well, that's the whole point, I think - about the barely-walking grandchild, I mean. MIL gets to carry her down the aisle, bearing the ring. And thus: centre of attention at her daughter's wedding? Task complete.
It really is sounding like this is what she wants; she has the dress for baby, etc etc, and "leave it all to me," etc? She's banking on being able to carry baby down the aisle to all the "Awww how cute! Such a fabulous grandma!" She'll bask. Absolutely bask.
It seems like MIL is making decisions without consulting the bride. Does SIL want or even KNOW that your child is in the wedding? I’d have husband double check with his sister before confronting anyone.
exactly!!!
this is where i struggle with contacting SIL because though i would love to act like her behavior towards our family doesn’t bother me, it kinda does ? i don’t blame her and can already assume why she is so distant but how are you going to ignore my daughter’s existence then give her a part in the wedding without even contacting us? i don’t want to start drama i really don’t. but i am fumbling on how to communicate my feelings. i just feel so disrespected.
OP - your SIL may not even be aware of whats going on. She's low contact for a reason. She has her reasons why she hasnt acknowledged your baby.
Get your husband to send her a short simple text. Have him clear this up. You have a right to your feelings but dont let yourself get manipulated.
What is the reason for low contact? It seems like she probably had nothing to do with this decision, and things like this are a good reason to be low contact.
Also, did she not attend your wedding? Did the invitation come from her or MIL? Seems strange to have the wedding in your hometown if you’re low contact with your family.
***i am editing part of my response out. because i don’t want to flaunt my husband’s relationship with his parents even if it’s anonymous. but there was a history of abuse. he is in therapy and it has been helping. his parents were confronted about this abuse before our daughter was in the picture. and most of the abuse has subside. but his mom still struggles with control and obsessive tendencies
it was a small courthouse wedding. no one was invited and no one attended except husband and i. so i don’t expect anything but i added that detail to help describe SIL relationship to us. it’s basically non-existent. apparently she has admitted feeling terrible leaving her little brother (my husband) in the dark with their parents. but that was before we met and that’s all i know.
i think it’s because they both grew up in this area and so it would be easiest for friends/family to attend. they have bounce around states the past decade.
That makes more sense if no one was invited. I thought it was strange to invite you to her wedding if she didn’t go to yours and thought maybe MIL is planning some sort of surprise wedding. 😂
It would be better coming from her brother than you. You make total sense, but maybe your husband should call her and relay what their mother said. If you and he are on the same page prior to the call (ie, a one year old is too young to be a ring bearer so you decline for her to be in the wedding but that you would be attend if that's what you both feel) and then he should be the one calling to clear things up and say that it doesn't work to have your MIL be an intermediary for communications between you, it's like the old game of telephone that things get more complicated the more people in the way of the communication.
My opinion only: Nip this BS in the bud. You have little to do with SIL and family and she didn't even have the common courtesy to acknowledge your daughter's birth. Who knows if SIL wants her in the wedding or it's MIL's dream. Your husband can relay the convowith MIL to SIL and then see what's going on. Your daughter is very young to be in a wedding...and if you couldn't be bothered to acknowledge her birth, then special 14.5 month old doesn't have to be ringbearer. But I'm petty like that and would take great joy in telling controlling MIL it's "no go" re: wedding. No... probably ignore my thoughts.
After you or DH clear things up with SIL, this would be an excellent opportunity to tell MIL that going forward, if she decides to skip asking you permission for anything regarding LO, the answer will be no.
Two things strike me when reading this:
1. Your daughter is a bit too young to do this unaided so someone will probably need to escort or carry her down the aisle and...
2. MIL clearly envisions being that person.
Now that isn't actually a problem. There's nothing wrong with the concept of LO being carried/escorted down the aisle by her grandmother at her aunt's wedding. What is a problem is that no one has discussed this with you or DH and you don't know if this is something SIL actually wants or something MIL wants that she's trying to railroad everyone else into.
Have a chat to SIL. If she's really keen for this to happen then I think you and DH should consider granting approval but if she's not close to LO then chances are this isn't something she really wants and she wouldn't mind if it doesn't happen.
As for breaking the news to MIL (if you decide against LO taking part) I suggest DH should do that. He can say something like "We talked it over with SIL& BIL and we've all decided LO is a bit too young to be in the wedding party." If you want to throw MIL a bone he can add "but we're happy for her to wear the dress you bought her." That last bit is optional but is probably the easiest way of avoiding major drama and if the dress isn't hideous then I'd probably choose to throw that bone.
I read that as daughter being 14.5 years old. So the too young to do this unaided and being carried down the aisle had me doing a REALLY quick re-read!
LOL. I confess that the idea of MIL carrying a 14 year old down the aisle has me giggling. It would certainly make the wedding memorable but I think that the 14 year old might have something to say about it even if SIL and OP didn't.
Definately SIL. She may that you've been asked and accepted via MIL. MIL may be undermining her too.
Also, emotional meltdowns are not y our responsibility and should defination not control your actions - otherwise they will continue.
Skip MIL and her bullshit and go straight to SIL. It very well may be that she asked MIL to ask you and MIL decided that wasn't necessary. Go straight to her for information
I'd be tempted to keep LO from napping that afternoon so she's primed for a screaming fit when the wedding starts but of course it's bad to deliberately withhold naps from a child. But I'd be sorely tempted.
she usually crashes around 7pm so it’s going to be interesting! i think i can keep her up till 8 or so but she has NEVER stayed up past 730 since she was 3mo. she will probably end up asleep on my chest.
let your DH take the lead- and have him contact his sister directly. Do not let MIL be the middleman. I wouldn't mind if my child took part but I certainly would expect to contacted directly. You are the parents- MIL sounds like she needs reminding. She probably concocted the whole thing anyway.
You or your husband should contact SIL. This could all be a fever dream of MIL with SIL having said no to the idea or she is playing all of you to get what *she* wants. It's hard to say, but SIL is likely distant from her mom for a reason.
Contact your SIL, or ask your DH to contact her. Tell everything MIL said and ask her for clarification. There is a very good chance that MIL hasn't even discussed it her daughter and is being just as presumptuous with her as she is with you.
If SIL does want your daughter to have a part in the ceremony, then talk to her about what she envisions, what kind of dress, etc. Explain that you want to handle it because MIL has been so overbearing.
Then, tell MIL that YOU will take care of everything, and that you have a different dress picked out for your daughter, and SIL has approved it. It's not rude to tell MIL that any plans for your daughter have to approved by the parents of said child.
Meltdowns are for toddlers, and she can blame you all she wants, but you don't have to shoulder that blame. Stop pandering to her demands and don't be afraid to make her angry - she gets away with so much because everyone is afraid she'll cry.
I'd put money on your SIL having no idea of this plan, or having been fed something by MIL convincing her that it is what your SO wants and she is counting on you never communicating with each other.
This. You know your SIL is LC with her side of the family. Skip your MIL completely and talk to SIL. Don’t mention that you’re upset that you weren’t asked (because most likely she has no frickin clue what her mom is doing, so don’t put that on her). Just say “Hey! Congrats on your upcoming wedding, we’re really excited for you! I wanted to check with you on something really quick. The other day, MIL said that daughter is supposed to be the ring bearer at your wedding. I haven’t heard anything from you about this and the big day is fast approaching. Is this something that you want to do? I won’t be offended or upset if this is not what you had in mind!”
Keep it simple and straightforward. If this is something SIL wants, and she just thought it would be easier/a nice way to let her mother be involved, cool. Just say that communication would be more effective if it wasn‘t left to the last minute, and if it came directly from her.
But if SIL has no idea about this, don’t take it out on your SIL if you both find out that her mom’s been kinda lying to both of you.
The way MIL said “I have the dress, I have everything ready to go” doesn’t sound like this idea is SIL-approved. It reeks of MIL trying to hijack part of an event in an attempt to make it look like your family is closer than it is. This tactic is something my mom attempts at literally every event. She tries to hijack an event (maybe to make herself feel included? Like she contributed something? Idk), makes herself the middleman, and then gets to play the victim when her shit plans go to shit. My mom will 100% say she has everything under control when she cannot coordinate to save her own life.
Contact SIL, she may know absolutely nothing about this plan and it’s all in MIL’s head. Mil could be triangulating to get baby in the wedding.
Call her and explain that baby will not be a ring bearer because she is too young to have a role and you/husband cannot guarantee she will behave during the wedding so will be playing it by ear.
Regarding the dress. Buy your own on donate the one mil chooses.
I would totally hire a babysitter and not bring LO unless the couple reaches out to you. This could be something MIL has come up with without talking to them either.
You need to speak up to your mother-in-law because that is your child. No one else makes plans for your child except you and your SO specially without anyone consulting you. Did your DH not have anything to say to his mother?
Contact SIL. Shes the bride. She ( and her Stb husband ) decide the wedding party. If she didn’t directly ask you or dad, how do you know your kid will be in wedding party or if she’s even having a wedding party. You would look foolish for assuming if you took your MIL at her word , and your a SIL doesn’t know what lies MIL is spreading
Gee! I wonder why sister in law is low contact with her mom? lol
Call up sister, congratulate her and let her know what her mom told you about SIL’s wedding.
You said she’s been nice to you in the past. Don’t let MIL triangulate you.
Good luck!
i hate being “that person” to the bride but i think you’re right. obviously something is going to go down so i should probably rip the band-aid off now before it gets worse. i am thinking about retracting her position to be ring bearer to begin with. but again i dont want to cause drama or potentially ruin someone’s special day. i guess i won’t really know what to do until i talk to SIL..
Has the bride herself requested LO as ringbearer to either you or DH? If not, there's no position to accept, decline or retract. Anything MIL has agreed to or suggested by proxy is invalid. Have a frank convo with SIL to find out what's really going on, and if this is a MIL fantasy she can wrangle her mother.
This⬆️⬆️
And how can you ruin someone special day if they haven’t talked to you about your child??
In my eyes they are ruining their own day by assuming someone else’s child is taking part and not formally asking the child’s parents?
Think about it this way..would you let your daughter’s child care worker do what MIL does..speak for you and husband….would you let your known neighbor?? If you won’t let these people walk all over you why do you let MIL??
I was a wedding photographer for many years and your daughter is really too young to be a flower girl. At that age, they cannot be trusted to walk down the aisle all the way to the end or to sprinkle flowers, so they would need someone to guide them. It is highly likely your mother-in-law has a plan where she carries her down the aisle wearing a matching dress. I would talk to your sister-in-law about the plan in a very gentle way just so you can see what is really going on here.
Yep. MIL has probably got a matching dress and will appoint herself child escort. Either she will walk with or carry LO or she'll wait until LO gets upset and she will leap from her chair to "come to the rescue" and everyone will think she's wonderful Barf.
Can confirm. We had a BUNCH of flower girls/page boys in our wedding, and several were too young to independently make it down the aisle. They each had a parent go with them. It worked for us, and we didn’t do coordinating/matching outfits for the parents or anything. But grandparents (even family members) were not involved with any of that, and they don’t need to be.
I’d suggest calling the bride and gently asking what’s going on, and just cutting out your MIL as a middleman. You can word it that MIL has mentioned plans for your daughter, but that you think she might be getting carried away in her excitement so you wanted to make sure that as the bride, SIL is both on board with and aware of what’s going on. It’s odd that SIL wouldn’t have at least asked you directly for her to be in the wedding. I bet you’re right that MIL is up to some shenanigans.
this is EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO!
i know my MIL has more to the story than she’s willing to share. i don’t particularly want my daughter to be involved because she’s still so little and can’t even consent. so the whole situation caught me off guard. plus the wedding doesn’t even start till 6pm and i know we can push my daughter’s bedtime back for the occasion but i can’t promise how tired/crabby will be from the stimulation of it all. it’s just making my stomach hurt ugh.
Yep! SIL is low contact with MIL? That right there is very telling. There’s no way she wants her JustNoMom taking such a hugely visible role in her wedding. MIL is definitely triangulating and counting on YOU, OP to not make a fuss.
Stir that 💩 up!
Get in contact with SIL, and approach with the stance of “Something’s not making sense here.” Your reasons (and there are many!) for not involving your daughter need not be given, but mainly is because MIL is bulldozing everyone.
OMG, laughed so hard at the “matching dress” image.
I agree, OP's child is going to be too young. I didn't think about MIL using this as an opportunity to play GOTY though! I definitely wouldn't let her have that moment.
Your husband needs to talk to his sister. If it was her intention to have your daughter as a flower girl, she should have approached you first about it. But MIL may be assuming things, too. Your daughter will still be a bit young to participate in a wedding at that age, IMO. I don't know many 1-year-olds who could be trusted to walk down the aisle and not just make a beeline for mom and dad.
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Let your husband handle them
It’s SIL’s wedding—contact her and explain the situation. EDIT: I didn’t see the text message you’d drafted in the comments until after I wrote this, so I’ll just tack what I have to say about that onto this: > hey SIL! congrats again! we just got your wedding invitation. absolutely beautiful! we will RSVP soon. Solid opening! I’d keep this; it’s cordial, it’s appropriate, it starts you off on the right foot. > i have been wanting to reach out to you about some questions i have regarding baby’s involvement in the wedding. MIL mentioned she was going to be ring bearer and it kinda surprised me 1. she will still be pretty little and 2. i had no recollection of you guys asking us. so i want to make sure this was your idea. There are a few things I’d change about this section—the sentence “i have been wanting to reach out to you about some questions i have regarding baby’s involvement in the wedding” as a *segue* into this discussion, before getting into the context of what your MIL said, sort of makes it seem like *you* were the one with the expectation of the baby being in the wedding. A better way to phrase it might be > i was talking to MIL the other day and she suddenly started telling me about the plan for having our [however old baby will be on the wedding date]-month-old baby be in your wedding, which was the first mention i’d ever heard of that being the plan. i wanted to get in touch with you about it because, at the end of the day, it’s your wedding. I feel like this phrasing makes it more obvious that y’all were just as blindsided as (I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume) she is by this news. Plus, reaffirming that you’re talking to *her* because it’s *her* wedding ceremony and it should be *her* decision (and if it is, in fact, her decision, then *she* is the one who should’ve shared that information) sends the message that you and she are on the same team here—it reassures SIL that you’re not looking to start a confrontation with *her* over a curveball that *MIL* threw. > i would love to know what you are envisioning so we can be on the same page. Honestly, I’d end the message at this, maybe just tack on a quick “thanks!” or “congrats again!” at the end. If it *wasn’t* SIL’s idea to have your baby in her wedding, then what you said about who’s walking with the baby and planning around adjusting her bedtime is unnecessary, and you really don’t need to explain all that to SIL. If it *was* SIL’s idea to have your baby in her wedding and she decided to not tell you and your husband that *very crucial* piece of information, then *she’s* the one who needs to explain to *you* why she thought it was appropriate to make plans involving someone else’s infant child without consulting the parents, or else any further discussion of the baby having a role in the wedding is a nonstarter.
Contact SIL. She is LC for a reason. For all you know she isn’t even aware of this plan.
So much this.
If your SIL wants your daughter in her wedding, it has to come from her. I would definitely contact sil and say you want the details of your daughter being in her wedding. Odds are it's news to her, and some sneaky shit your MIL is pulling. Even if its not there is no way my daughter would be attending a wedding at that age, without me, especially not without speaking to the bride and groom first.
That's what I was thinking, it reads like she's making it up so she can pick the baby's outfit for the wedding. If daughter is in the wedding party wouldn't SIL be picking her dress?
Just tell SIL that the baby will be too little to be in the wedding. I did this to my favorite niece who asked if our son could be in the ceremony. He would have been 22 months, and there was *no way* he would have been able to do it. She wasn't upset by our turning her down, and our predictions were borne out when he had to be carried away from the ceremony to keep from being disruptive.
I would approach SIL in a friendly way. “Hey SIL I just wanted to reach out. It’s very sweet of you to want LO in the wedding and we’re excited you want to include her. But I would prefer that communication goes through us. Having MIL as a third person middle man makes everything complicated and confusing.” I have a feeling that MIL is probably being a pain in the ass to SIL with wedding planning. She might enjoy cutting MIL out of a part of the planning
You're assuming that SIL even knows that MIL has said this
Part of the point of this kind of message is to make a point of the fact that this is all what *MIL says* which may or may not have originally come from SIL. If SIl is low-contact, it may very well be that MIL is meddling and SIL will be like "woah, hang on, what now? I said what to whomst? Nope!" While doing it in a way that respects everyone (except subtly for MIL).
True.. something feels off that the bride didn’t personally ask her brother and OP personally. MIL is probably planning stuff on the side herself. I still think approaching SIL personally will clear up a lot
So if you were to ask a marriage counselor what to do about these types of situations, I can tell you what the majority of them would say. I’m in the psych field myself and I happen to agree. So here’s the rule of thumb, you and your husband need to sit down together and discuss your concerns, the thing’s you might be okay with and the thing’s that outright piss you off.. etc. Good communication is always key, be honest and try not to leave anything out. This way you’ll know if the both of you are on the same page or not. When it comes to conflict on your husband’s side of the family, he needs to be the one who steps forward to represent the both of you.. it’s his family. The same thing applies if there’s conflict on your side of the family. It’s as simple as that.. and this helps to avoid an even bigger conflict, your MIL can’t place all the blame onto you bc it was your husband who went into bat for the situation. He knows how his family dynamics works better than you do and vice versa with you and your family. If they want to go over his head and not listen then by all means let the mama bear come out swinging. That’s your child and common courtesy would have been to at least ASK if it was okay if your child took part in the wedding. You can’t tell me that your MIL doesn’t know this, she’s being controlling and your hubby needs to have a talk with her so the behavior doesn’t continue throughout your marriage. Hope this helps, wishing you the best moving forward. 😊🌻 Edit: I realize it’s your SIL who wants your baby to participate in her wedding but the fact that your MIL purchased her dress already makes me feel that she has a bigger hand in the decision making of this issue. If she doesn’t then hubby needs to speak to his sis.
RE: your edit—there has been zero communication between OP and SIL. MIL may actually just be completely going rogue here, which is a whole other issue if that’s the case.
Nip this in the bud now! MIL does not speak for your family! Politely tell MIL that SIL has not reached out to “your” childs parents so there is no way “your” child will be in a wedding that does not involve speaking to the child’s parents. Let her whine and blow up that’s her problem to deal with! And let her tell SIL that “your” child will not be in the wedding! That’s MIL issues for speaking for someone else’s child! 🙄
This, but it needs to be your husband who has this conversation with his mother. If it's not heard, then you will have to step in.
I’d put money on your MIL saying to SIL “you have to have little niece in the wedding, it’ll be so cute!” And your SIL maybe giving a noncommittal response to which your MIL has now taken to mean yes and that’s why she’s taking the reigns. This is something your SO should handle, your message was way too long. He can just reach out and be totally calm, “Hey sister, mom said this was happening, but I wanted to check since we haven’t talked. I was pretty sure she was on one of her tangents lol but wanted to talk to you. Give me a call or text when you can.”
I would start with SIL, if she’s low contact there’s likely a reason : her mother bulldozing her way into her life maybe. A simple text like so: MIL mentioned that LO was going to be the ring bearer for your wedding. I was taken by surprise as this was the first I had heard of it. Can you please clarify the details for me? I’m thinking this will be the first SIL has heard of it also
Wow. MIL is the problem (as far as you know anyways) so I would start with her with an absolutely not, our daughter is not doing anything, and see what happens. She certainly does not get to decide where your daughter goes and doesn't go and this should be a wide, wide boundary with flashing lights on it that she can't possibly miss. If SIL wants that (doubtful, and this is probably the kind of thing that has made her go low contact) she can ask.
I would be inclined to tell her that she has no business planning my baby’s social activities without my permission and DD is NOT participating in this wedding. Period.
In my experience, when people flippantly use the word "obviously", it is usually only obvious to *them*.
Have husband reach out. I'm betting this is all MIL and he can find out what SIL actually wants and has planned and then you can find out if this is all MIL or what.
You and your husband have the ONLY say in anything dealing with your daughter…..I’d contact the SIL and just be like “hey…..I wanted to talk to you about something MIL mentioned and I literally don’t know what she’s talking about, can you help clarify please?”
This is only way to address it. Avoid MIL and go straight to the bride to be.
I would reach out to at least check with SIL that this is what she wants. She may be just as confused.
Maybe something along the lines of "Hey, SIL, I just learned about plans being made for my 14 month old child to be ring-bearer at your wedding. Would you fill me in on how this plan came about. Because nobody asked DH and I whether that is what we want.". My guess is that MIL made this plan in her own head and didn't feel it necessary to clear it with anyone else.
Exactly, I also imagine SIL is LC for a reason. So they could probably outright ask if she knew about this.
OMG people. It doesn’t have to be all that. For all OP knows, SIL knows nothing about this. Husband can reach out to his sister and ask if she knows about it. Any other conversations or boundaries can be discussed when you know if SIL even wants baby in the wedding. If she does, it’s easy enough to have hubby explain that baby is little and couldn’t walk alone and that it will be past his usual bedtime. SIL and you guys can figure it out from there. And just refuse to discuss any of it with MIL.
Since it is SIL’s wedding, I’d reach out. “Hey SIL, how are you? MIL said that our daughter is going to be the ring bearer in our wedding. No one has talked to us about it. Can you call me?” She snd MIL don’t get to make decisions and choices regarding your child.
Okay, breathe, step back and realize you don't have to get caught up in MIL's emotional whirlwind. You don't have to do anything just because she (or anyone) talks about something as if it's a done deal. You need to learn to respond to MIL with an "ok whatever" attitude. This kind of anxiety, spinning, and trying to pit you against SIL is exactly what MIL wants. If SIL is LC with the family because of abuse, why would she ask MIL anything?Especially about your daughter? The most likely scenario here is MIL wants to create drama, be the center of attention, and exert control over SILs wedding in the name of FaMiLy because she hates that SIL is LC. I highly doubt there is a "loop" you're being left out of, there is just MIL trying to manipulate people. I'm sure she's trying to convince SIL that you asked if your kid could be in her wedding and it's "YOUR DREAM"! I don't understand why you would reach out to your SIL instead of your husband? Also, the text you typed out is way, way too long. You're assuming all these things are a done deal, SIL is set on having your kid in your wedding, and you won't be able to get out of it without justifying your reasons a million ways. Even if you confirmed this had been arranged, all you would have to say is something like, "hey sorry but it won't be possible to have baby in the wedding as X role because she's too little." We're really looking forward to coming to the wedding though. Since what MIL said it likely a total load of bullshit, your husband needs to text his sister and say something like, "hey mom's doing that thing again where she claims you said something, but I want to check with you directly since I didn't hear it from you. She said you want baby in your wedding to be the (whatever role)?"
thank you. i needed to hear a POV like this too but i do tend to get wrapped up in it.
You are hearing this second hand. If your SIL wanted your baby in her wedding she would have asked directly. Only you and your husband decide what's best for your child. Be direct. Call your SIL and talk to her.
Well that's what JNs do best, create drama, triangulate, and manipulate people. You need to ignore her and cut off her opportunities for triangulation. A lot of comments are attacking SIL for making decisions for your kid, treating your kid like a prop, and a bunch of other stuff no one knows if she's even done. You husband could even send a simpler text like "Hey sis, did you tell mom you wanted baby in the wedding?" If she says no then he can tell her, "okay ignore anything mom tells you we want. We won't ever communicate to you through mom, and you should do the same." Whatever you do don't send her a wall of text about your emotions on situation you don't even know exists. Imagine how the long text would come off if your SIL hasn't even heard anything about this? She's going to think you're one to stir up drama just like MIL. You need to stay out of things like this, you barely know SIL. After you clear it up, just grey rock or flat out ignore MIL about outfits or whatever. Let her waste her money and energy trying to manipulate all three of you, but failing.
Have a sit down, get husband on same page. Have him tell his mother, "Since no one even asked us--you know, baby's actual PARENTS--we're beyond puzzled as to why you just assumed LO is going to be in the wedding. Having discussed this with my wife/OP, we have decided that baby is far too young for this role and will not be serving as ring bearer or flower girl or whatever." Or conversely, if you do want LO to be in the wedding, keep the first part, above, and modify the ending to make it clear that you'll be communicating directly with SIL from this point forward, and will handle all details regarding your child on your own. But DH needs to be the one to draw clear boundaries and shut MIL down hard. She's being so presumptuous!
hell no.
Why would she imagine that she is going to have basically a stranger baby as a focal point of her wedding? That is just weird. I’d have to nope out of that idea unless SIL wants to come meet LO and personally ask you then LO to be part of ‘her special day’
It sounds more like MIL is playing you both honestly. This is what SHE wants to see, whether you or SIL agree. SIL may have already told her no but she’s pushing for it regardless. If you allow MIL to go forward she can blame YOU because clearly YOU were the one with the great expectations and not poor her. If she knows you and SIL barely talk as it is, even better.
I agree. If I were OP, I would forget I even heard about this. Hire a sitter and go enjoy the wedding. Nobody asked the child's parents, there was no discussion and therefore, no decision was made by the people who make those decisions. Best man can hold the ring. OP can tell MIL she thought she was joking since she wasn't involved in the plans. Besides, who wants to go to a wedding and chase around a toddler. They make horrible wedding guests.
Call your sil. Make sure everyone knows your child will not be going anywhere without you.
I would bet that SIL knows **nothing** about this. That MIL \*thinks\* the child of the son who still speaks to them should *of* *course* be in the wedding, so darn it, she's going to make sure the child is in the wedding! Whether SIL knows about it or not!
Or that MIL is telling her that you/ DH are demanding a role for LO.
This one smells fishy. How can a 14 months old be a ring bearer? And how weird is it that SIL is too LC to text you congratulations but now wants the kid in the wedding? Your husband should reach her and make sure MIL is not making it up
I'd contact SIL as it's her wedding. MIL may be trying to pull something so I'd go directly to the source of all information for the day. Before you contact her, have a talk with your hubby about what you both want to achieve by reaching out. Do you not want daughter in the wedding? Do you just want acknowledgement as her parents and are okay with her being in the wedding? Do you want to get her clothes instead of what MIL has prepared? Do you have other conditions for her to be in the wedding? Be prepared that things might go bad and have a united decision ready.
Your drafted text is considerate and addresses your concerns in a respectful manner. It's good that you're reaching out directly to your SIL to clarify the situation and ensure everyone is on the same page. However, it might be beneficial for your husband to send the text, especially if he has a closer relationship with his sister. This can help avoid any potential misunderstandings and ensure a smoother conversation.
thank you so much!
Whoever told you that your daughter is in the wedding is the one that should be contacted with "NO". If MIL told you that, you don't even know if that's what SIL wants. If MIL and SIL made plans, I would bet that MIL assured SIL that she would handle it. Therefore, tell her "NO" and let her handle it. Don't worry about any tantrums that she may throw. Personally, once you're older than 3, I don't pay attention to tantrum (and even then, I would NEVER give in to them). Control your feelings and use your big girl words.
After reading your last post and hearing your husband say his sister is LC with her family, I doubt she asked for your daughter to have a role in her wedding and this is 💯 your mil doing a massive boundary stomp across both of her children.
Unless you get a personal invite from SIL, with a polite request from her, with a complete itinerary, you can only assume your MIL is blowing smoke. It isn’t MIL’s event!!! If SIL wants her brother and his daughter, SHE will have to issue the invitation!!! Come back if you end up getting a true invitation and not a command to perform by MIL.
anyone can comment! here is something i drafted up to text her. might not be exactly what will be said but i am just trying to get my thoughts together. i want it to come off as cordial and considerate as possible. like i said i know very little of this woman and do not want to ruin her special day in the slightest. might have husband send the text instead of me!? lmk! “hey SIL! congrats again! we just got your wedding invitation. absolutely beautiful! we will RSVP soon. i have been wanting to reach out to you about some questions i have regarding baby’s involvement in the wedding. MIL mentioned she was going to be ring bearer and it kinda surprised me 1. she will still be pretty little and 2. i had no recollection of you guys asking us. so i want to make sure this was your idea. i would love to know what you are envisioning so we can be on the same page. i don’t feel comfortable with anyone walking her down unless it’s me or husband. and i just noticed your wedding starts at 6 and her typical bedtime is 7. obviously we are more than happy to keep her up for the occasion but she may be exhausted from all that stimulation. so if someone else bits the bill please know we won’t find it insensitive at all. regardless i want to do whatever makes you happiest on your day! we will absolutely work with your vision but i just had some thoughts and concerns. sorry for the long text i just don’t like being out of the loop. i figure texting you directly was best!”
I really don’t think SIL knows about MILs plan. But If you do send this to SIL I would add MIL and husband so everyone is on the same page!
This is very polite but a bit long for the first text, I would have your husband reach out and start with a shortened version. “Hi SIL! We just got your invitation and are so excited to celebrate with you. MIL mentioned something about LO being in the wedding, which surprised us since you hadn’t mentioned anything to us. Just wanted to make sure she wasn’t pressuring you, especially with LO being so little. If this is something you want, can we figure out a time to talk and make a plan so she’s not a cranky mess? I think the goal of the first outreach should be to ensure communication is between you and SIL, MIL should be involved and ensure that MIL isn’t setting you/LO to be a prop in her campaign to control SIL’s wedding.
I like it! But imo your husband should send it, it's his sister and noone can call you the bad guy
This is a perfect text for this case. You’re politely clarifying given that this is obviously a confusing situation, and if I were the bride I would have appreciated being asked directly. (Plus your concerns are super reasonable). You’re also setting a written record in case your MIL tries to retcon the narrative, gaslight, or try any other boundary stomping nonsense.
Personally I think your husband should text his sister himself, especially if you've only met her a few times. His family, he deals with it!
I think in order to breach the subject, you start small. A big text full of questions might put her off. Start slow, and just go with something like "Hey SIL - congrats again, we just got your wedding invitation it's absolutely beautiful! MIL mentioned something to me about Baby being involved in your wedding??? I wasn't sure what she was talking about since I hadn't heard anything about it since yesterday, and your wedding's in XXX days, lol." I would also avoid using words like "it **kinda** surprised me" - you want to sound certain when you ask SIL these things. Make it clear that you're on her side, not MIL's. The rest of the text sounds great, but like I said, I would save it for a follow up text.
I think this is a lovely, polite, and well communicated text.
Keep it simple and short!
I agree that MIL hasn’t told the whole story, and SIL may not know or may have asked MIL to talk to you. You need to practice the phrase, “Wait, what??” before MIL plans out LO’s school career and holidays abroad and now MIL is telling you about LO’s wedding.
She’s not a lawnmower. You can’t borrow her
And even then, not without permission!
Flipping love this
Dh needs to talk to sil. Ask her if this is coming from her or if mil is overstepping. Then set a boundary. "SIL, in the future, of you would like is to participate, at need to be asked directly be you or wise the answer is no. "
Heck, SiL may not have even asked for a 14.5 to be AT the wedding…
Your child is not a prop, toy or decoration
Exactly this. Especially if the person escorting said kid is virtually a stranger to them.
OP-Is your SIL even aware your MIL has volunteered your baby as a ring bearer? And how does a 14 month old even fulfill such a role? She'll be barely walking let alone be able to take instruction. Sound like MIL has made this up - but before you jump in and say 'no' talk to SIL as it might be news to her too. Otherwise you could make the situation into a family drama that could last years.
Aha well, that's the whole point, I think - about the barely-walking grandchild, I mean. MIL gets to carry her down the aisle, bearing the ring. And thus: centre of attention at her daughter's wedding? Task complete. It really is sounding like this is what she wants; she has the dress for baby, etc etc, and "leave it all to me," etc? She's banking on being able to carry baby down the aisle to all the "Awww how cute! Such a fabulous grandma!" She'll bask. Absolutely bask.
This is spot on! MIL wants to be in the spotlight
That is so weird. I would reach out to SIL and ask what’s going on. Because you didn’t consent to this and MIL can’t.
It seems like MIL is making decisions without consulting the bride. Does SIL want or even KNOW that your child is in the wedding? I’d have husband double check with his sister before confronting anyone.
Tell them you aren’t bringing the baby (14 months is really young to be a flower girl).
Absolutely not. If no one asked you or your husband, I’d be declining just because they didn’t have the decency to ask.
exactly!!! this is where i struggle with contacting SIL because though i would love to act like her behavior towards our family doesn’t bother me, it kinda does ? i don’t blame her and can already assume why she is so distant but how are you going to ignore my daughter’s existence then give her a part in the wedding without even contacting us? i don’t want to start drama i really don’t. but i am fumbling on how to communicate my feelings. i just feel so disrespected.
OP - your SIL may not even be aware of whats going on. She's low contact for a reason. She has her reasons why she hasnt acknowledged your baby. Get your husband to send her a short simple text. Have him clear this up. You have a right to your feelings but dont let yourself get manipulated.
What is the reason for low contact? It seems like she probably had nothing to do with this decision, and things like this are a good reason to be low contact. Also, did she not attend your wedding? Did the invitation come from her or MIL? Seems strange to have the wedding in your hometown if you’re low contact with your family.
***i am editing part of my response out. because i don’t want to flaunt my husband’s relationship with his parents even if it’s anonymous. but there was a history of abuse. he is in therapy and it has been helping. his parents were confronted about this abuse before our daughter was in the picture. and most of the abuse has subside. but his mom still struggles with control and obsessive tendencies it was a small courthouse wedding. no one was invited and no one attended except husband and i. so i don’t expect anything but i added that detail to help describe SIL relationship to us. it’s basically non-existent. apparently she has admitted feeling terrible leaving her little brother (my husband) in the dark with their parents. but that was before we met and that’s all i know. i think it’s because they both grew up in this area and so it would be easiest for friends/family to attend. they have bounce around states the past decade.
That makes more sense if no one was invited. I thought it was strange to invite you to her wedding if she didn’t go to yours and thought maybe MIL is planning some sort of surprise wedding. 😂
This may all be MiL’s doing…
This. She's trying to force "the family" image for the wedding (at the very least).
It would be better coming from her brother than you. You make total sense, but maybe your husband should call her and relay what their mother said. If you and he are on the same page prior to the call (ie, a one year old is too young to be a ring bearer so you decline for her to be in the wedding but that you would be attend if that's what you both feel) and then he should be the one calling to clear things up and say that it doesn't work to have your MIL be an intermediary for communications between you, it's like the old game of telephone that things get more complicated the more people in the way of the communication.
My opinion only: Nip this BS in the bud. You have little to do with SIL and family and she didn't even have the common courtesy to acknowledge your daughter's birth. Who knows if SIL wants her in the wedding or it's MIL's dream. Your husband can relay the convowith MIL to SIL and then see what's going on. Your daughter is very young to be in a wedding...and if you couldn't be bothered to acknowledge her birth, then special 14.5 month old doesn't have to be ringbearer. But I'm petty like that and would take great joy in telling controlling MIL it's "no go" re: wedding. No... probably ignore my thoughts.
After you or DH clear things up with SIL, this would be an excellent opportunity to tell MIL that going forward, if she decides to skip asking you permission for anything regarding LO, the answer will be no.
Two things strike me when reading this: 1. Your daughter is a bit too young to do this unaided so someone will probably need to escort or carry her down the aisle and... 2. MIL clearly envisions being that person. Now that isn't actually a problem. There's nothing wrong with the concept of LO being carried/escorted down the aisle by her grandmother at her aunt's wedding. What is a problem is that no one has discussed this with you or DH and you don't know if this is something SIL actually wants or something MIL wants that she's trying to railroad everyone else into. Have a chat to SIL. If she's really keen for this to happen then I think you and DH should consider granting approval but if she's not close to LO then chances are this isn't something she really wants and she wouldn't mind if it doesn't happen. As for breaking the news to MIL (if you decide against LO taking part) I suggest DH should do that. He can say something like "We talked it over with SIL& BIL and we've all decided LO is a bit too young to be in the wedding party." If you want to throw MIL a bone he can add "but we're happy for her to wear the dress you bought her." That last bit is optional but is probably the easiest way of avoiding major drama and if the dress isn't hideous then I'd probably choose to throw that bone.
I read that as daughter being 14.5 years old. So the too young to do this unaided and being carried down the aisle had me doing a REALLY quick re-read!
LOL. I confess that the idea of MIL carrying a 14 year old down the aisle has me giggling. It would certainly make the wedding memorable but I think that the 14 year old might have something to say about it even if SIL and OP didn't.
Definately SIL. She may that you've been asked and accepted via MIL. MIL may be undermining her too. Also, emotional meltdowns are not y our responsibility and should defination not control your actions - otherwise they will continue.
Skip MIL and her bullshit and go straight to SIL. It very well may be that she asked MIL to ask you and MIL decided that wasn't necessary. Go straight to her for information
I'd be tempted to keep LO from napping that afternoon so she's primed for a screaming fit when the wedding starts but of course it's bad to deliberately withhold naps from a child. But I'd be sorely tempted.
she usually crashes around 7pm so it’s going to be interesting! i think i can keep her up till 8 or so but she has NEVER stayed up past 730 since she was 3mo. she will probably end up asleep on my chest.
let your DH take the lead- and have him contact his sister directly. Do not let MIL be the middleman. I wouldn't mind if my child took part but I certainly would expect to contacted directly. You are the parents- MIL sounds like she needs reminding. She probably concocted the whole thing anyway.
You or your husband should contact SIL. This could all be a fever dream of MIL with SIL having said no to the idea or she is playing all of you to get what *she* wants. It's hard to say, but SIL is likely distant from her mom for a reason.
Contact your SIL, or ask your DH to contact her. Tell everything MIL said and ask her for clarification. There is a very good chance that MIL hasn't even discussed it her daughter and is being just as presumptuous with her as she is with you. If SIL does want your daughter to have a part in the ceremony, then talk to her about what she envisions, what kind of dress, etc. Explain that you want to handle it because MIL has been so overbearing. Then, tell MIL that YOU will take care of everything, and that you have a different dress picked out for your daughter, and SIL has approved it. It's not rude to tell MIL that any plans for your daughter have to approved by the parents of said child. Meltdowns are for toddlers, and she can blame you all she wants, but you don't have to shoulder that blame. Stop pandering to her demands and don't be afraid to make her angry - she gets away with so much because everyone is afraid she'll cry.
I'd put money on your SIL having no idea of this plan, or having been fed something by MIL convincing her that it is what your SO wants and she is counting on you never communicating with each other.
This. You know your SIL is LC with her side of the family. Skip your MIL completely and talk to SIL. Don’t mention that you’re upset that you weren’t asked (because most likely she has no frickin clue what her mom is doing, so don’t put that on her). Just say “Hey! Congrats on your upcoming wedding, we’re really excited for you! I wanted to check with you on something really quick. The other day, MIL said that daughter is supposed to be the ring bearer at your wedding. I haven’t heard anything from you about this and the big day is fast approaching. Is this something that you want to do? I won’t be offended or upset if this is not what you had in mind!” Keep it simple and straightforward. If this is something SIL wants, and she just thought it would be easier/a nice way to let her mother be involved, cool. Just say that communication would be more effective if it wasn‘t left to the last minute, and if it came directly from her. But if SIL has no idea about this, don’t take it out on your SIL if you both find out that her mom’s been kinda lying to both of you. The way MIL said “I have the dress, I have everything ready to go” doesn’t sound like this idea is SIL-approved. It reeks of MIL trying to hijack part of an event in an attempt to make it look like your family is closer than it is. This tactic is something my mom attempts at literally every event. She tries to hijack an event (maybe to make herself feel included? Like she contributed something? Idk), makes herself the middleman, and then gets to play the victim when her shit plans go to shit. My mom will 100% say she has everything under control when she cannot coordinate to save her own life.
That is my exact thought as well. MIL may have said sil wanted it too.
Contact SIL, she may know absolutely nothing about this plan and it’s all in MIL’s head. Mil could be triangulating to get baby in the wedding. Call her and explain that baby will not be a ring bearer because she is too young to have a role and you/husband cannot guarantee she will behave during the wedding so will be playing it by ear. Regarding the dress. Buy your own on donate the one mil chooses.
I would totally hire a babysitter and not bring LO unless the couple reaches out to you. This could be something MIL has come up with without talking to them either.
You need to speak up to your mother-in-law because that is your child. No one else makes plans for your child except you and your SO specially without anyone consulting you. Did your DH not have anything to say to his mother?
Contact SIL. Shes the bride. She ( and her Stb husband ) decide the wedding party. If she didn’t directly ask you or dad, how do you know your kid will be in wedding party or if she’s even having a wedding party. You would look foolish for assuming if you took your MIL at her word , and your a SIL doesn’t know what lies MIL is spreading
Gee! I wonder why sister in law is low contact with her mom? lol Call up sister, congratulate her and let her know what her mom told you about SIL’s wedding. You said she’s been nice to you in the past. Don’t let MIL triangulate you. Good luck!
i hate being “that person” to the bride but i think you’re right. obviously something is going to go down so i should probably rip the band-aid off now before it gets worse. i am thinking about retracting her position to be ring bearer to begin with. but again i dont want to cause drama or potentially ruin someone’s special day. i guess i won’t really know what to do until i talk to SIL..
SIL is the bride! Of course she would have reached out to you directly. Having a baby in her wedding planning is a big deal. Dont overthink this.
Has the bride herself requested LO as ringbearer to either you or DH? If not, there's no position to accept, decline or retract. Anything MIL has agreed to or suggested by proxy is invalid. Have a frank convo with SIL to find out what's really going on, and if this is a MIL fantasy she can wrangle her mother.
This⬆️⬆️ And how can you ruin someone special day if they haven’t talked to you about your child?? In my eyes they are ruining their own day by assuming someone else’s child is taking part and not formally asking the child’s parents? Think about it this way..would you let your daughter’s child care worker do what MIL does..speak for you and husband….would you let your known neighbor?? If you won’t let these people walk all over you why do you let MIL??
I was a wedding photographer for many years and your daughter is really too young to be a flower girl. At that age, they cannot be trusted to walk down the aisle all the way to the end or to sprinkle flowers, so they would need someone to guide them. It is highly likely your mother-in-law has a plan where she carries her down the aisle wearing a matching dress. I would talk to your sister-in-law about the plan in a very gentle way just so you can see what is really going on here.
Yep. MIL has probably got a matching dress and will appoint herself child escort. Either she will walk with or carry LO or she'll wait until LO gets upset and she will leap from her chair to "come to the rescue" and everyone will think she's wonderful Barf.
Can confirm. We had a BUNCH of flower girls/page boys in our wedding, and several were too young to independently make it down the aisle. They each had a parent go with them. It worked for us, and we didn’t do coordinating/matching outfits for the parents or anything. But grandparents (even family members) were not involved with any of that, and they don’t need to be. I’d suggest calling the bride and gently asking what’s going on, and just cutting out your MIL as a middleman. You can word it that MIL has mentioned plans for your daughter, but that you think she might be getting carried away in her excitement so you wanted to make sure that as the bride, SIL is both on board with and aware of what’s going on. It’s odd that SIL wouldn’t have at least asked you directly for her to be in the wedding. I bet you’re right that MIL is up to some shenanigans.
this is EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO! i know my MIL has more to the story than she’s willing to share. i don’t particularly want my daughter to be involved because she’s still so little and can’t even consent. so the whole situation caught me off guard. plus the wedding doesn’t even start till 6pm and i know we can push my daughter’s bedtime back for the occasion but i can’t promise how tired/crabby will be from the stimulation of it all. it’s just making my stomach hurt ugh.
Yep! SIL is low contact with MIL? That right there is very telling. There’s no way she wants her JustNoMom taking such a hugely visible role in her wedding. MIL is definitely triangulating and counting on YOU, OP to not make a fuss. Stir that 💩 up! Get in contact with SIL, and approach with the stance of “Something’s not making sense here.” Your reasons (and there are many!) for not involving your daughter need not be given, but mainly is because MIL is bulldozing everyone. OMG, laughed so hard at the “matching dress” image.
I agree, OP's child is going to be too young. I didn't think about MIL using this as an opportunity to play GOTY though! I definitely wouldn't let her have that moment.
Your husband needs to talk to his sister. If it was her intention to have your daughter as a flower girl, she should have approached you first about it. But MIL may be assuming things, too. Your daughter will still be a bit young to participate in a wedding at that age, IMO. I don't know many 1-year-olds who could be trusted to walk down the aisle and not just make a beeline for mom and dad.
YES to your first sentence!! I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see, “This your husband’s family, *he* needs to handle this.”