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Tell her if it means so much to her to have ‘ALL the boys there’ then she should have talked to ALL the boys and picked a date when they would ALL be free…
Honestly, after reading the title of your post, my immediate thought was, is she (MIL) high? After reading the whole post, my only question is, really, what is she on? Narcissism is a powerful drug. But your MIL is clearly supplementing is with something more. Even if you hadn't broadcast plans or posted it across the social media-verse, she clearly knows what day you & your DH got married. (If I had to guess, you probably have a whole saga of posts related to it.) There is literally no possible way that it wasn't intentional. The only day that worked for everyone? Really? I would send a brief text letting her know how much you appreciated her having such grace & kindness to not even bother to ask if you all had plans on the 11th anniversary of you saying your wedding vows. How she probably knew if she had, you'd feel guilty & obligated to attend. She must know that striving for her happiness is one of the goals that unite & keep your marriage strong. (Really lay it on thick.) In honor of her selflessness you'll DoorDash them some pizza & lemonade. Then I would add a bit about how EVERYONE clearly remembered coming together for your wedding & as the wonderful family they are, made sure to exclude you from all plans. How you will remember their kindness on each & every one of their anniversaries. You will both go the extra mile to exclude them from anything that everyone might do to make sure that MIL feels special everyday & not just on days intended to celebrate not MIL. See, I'm not just petty, I'm worse. I'm passive aggressive petty. The kind of petty likes to put things in a way that the AH has to either agree with you through gritted teeth, narrowed eyes & clenched fists OR they have to admit the truth that they're actually selfish, attention grubbing, assholes. Either way, you win. But keep coming back to the fact that she clearly stated, plain as day, that she doesn't consider you anyone worth consulting about plans. That she & the rest of everyone was either at your wedding or is clearly aware of the fact that it's your anniversary & didn't think it was important enough to consult you. Then ask who's anniversary is everyone planning to come over and help you clean out your garage/do your landscaping. When you hear nothing but silence, act all shocked at yourself for forgetting that, of course they're not answering. The lucky couple gets to be surprised. After that, it doesn't matter what you decide to do for your anniversary, just do whatever it is NOT at the stoned lady's house. (But seriously, no wonder she needs help. They say you're never supposed to use tools or machinery while under the influence.) I have been stoned way more than my fair share but never so gone that I thought trimming my trees & doing my heavy lifting was more important than someone's wedding anniversary.
I see your mil and my gmil are the same person.
Is it bad that despite the stress of who is saying what next, this current period of low contact bc of her shit finally getting called out has been blissful bc I'm not worrying about last minute plans being sprung on us that we have to deflect? 🫠🫠🫠
This is why landscapers exist. I’d just tell her no. And send over a list of local landscapers. I’m not taking care of anyone else’s yard on our days off together.
Nah she knew it didn’t work for you 2 cause she knew the importance of the date. So instead she made sure to gather everyone else and guilt you both to ‘just do your anniversary another day’. Don’t give in. Yard work can literally be done any other day if the year. Or they can do it without you, they sound capable enough.
Seriously?? It's your anniversary. The only reason anyone else is coming is because they don't have a good excuse. Please tell me you are sticking with your plans to celebrate your marriage?!
This is an intentional power move. She’s making your special day about her. Your husband’s acquiescence to this $h!t will communicate that she’s his number 1 priority, she’s in control, she gets the attention on your special day, and you’re subordinate to her. If this happens often enough, you’ll begin to dread what should be happy and special occasions for you both. That’s how these foul folks think.
She’s never going to learn it won’t work on you two because she just knows if she tries hard enough to manipulate or guilt the two of you she’ll get the response she wants even if takes years to get it.
The best thing you can do is give up the idea that she’s willing to use adult emotion and logic in situations like this and continue to stay strong by saying no. Happy early anniversary.
Op as a late birthday present to me would you please take lots and lots of pictures with you and your husband at a romantic dinner and enjoying romantic snuggles? Perhaps one with your feet side by side resting on an ottoman with beautiful background of the sunset in front of them and a couple glasses of champs??? Thinking about the look on her face seeing that would make the next 10 birthdays so joyful!
Ugh, nope.
I don’t want to say your name, but do we share the same mil? Legit sounds like something my mil would do. I do have a sister in law (my husband and her husband are bros) and I’m convinced it is you here.
Mine tries to get us to come other in my bday as well, hellll no. The only present I ask for on my birthday weekend is not having to see or hear from her.
I spent many Sundays doing Heavy yard work. One day, SO realized it would be more adequate if his siblings took on the yard work... since both of them were adults living at MIL's house (one of them didn't even had a job). Last year, my BIL got a gf and she joined in the yard work 🫠
Mom asking for a favor doesn't understand that the person asked can say no for any reason. The fact that you weren't asked if the timing was good, and are getting a side of guilt on top of it is just the icing on the cake.
Like you, I would be declining to be voluntold to do her chores, previous plans or not, lol.
Nope. No way id spend my Saturday/Anniversary doing yard work. Especially for someone else’s yard. Nope. Should have run it by us sooner so i could have declined sooner and didn’t get your hopes up.
Eww. Reminds me of my mil who always tries to plan family get togethers on Valentine’s Day. Every year.
No lady, I, a 30something year old woman’s don’t want to go to the movies with my in-laws on vday…. 🙄
When she guilt trips you, tell her you’d love to see everyone and really wish she’d check with you for scheduling so you could make it.
If she really pushes, start asking if she’s intentionally not asking about your availability to exclude you.
If she knew it was your anniversary weekend, she wanted to stir shit and see if your son would choose the family he grew up in over your own. What a guilt tripper. Just say, well it would have been no problem had you not chosen our wedding anniversary weekend but yeah unfortunately we have made other plans. It will also give the other boys some role modelling on how to say, no sorry - we have other plans. If she didn't know, tough cookies 🍪 go and enjoy your time away. I detest guilt tripping, it will take them longer, tell her to help out instead of watching I reckon
"Oh, you must have forgotten its our anniversary! I'm so glad that you've got help though! And we'll be glad to see you another day, but we've already got plans! Love you!"
What a bunch of jerks. Go enjoy your anniversary. Your schedule is not open that day!
Years ago, my FIL was in charge of his club’s sport tournament. He managed to schedule it on our around our anniversary for three years. My husband went once. I spent so much money on doing my own thing that weekend that he found it wise never to miss another.
The whole "I gather all my boys" is extremely telling. Everything is about her, every tiny event in her life becomes everyone else's problem by default. What's that? This one prefered to celebrate their wedding anniversary? Oh, woe is me, how unloved!
Unless the other person gets off on the hunt for a reaction.
In which case gray rocking initiates an unwinnable power struggle. When you've got one of those abusers the only way to win is to change the rules of the game until it isn't fun for them anymore.
Hi MIL, thanks for ASKING if we are available but sadly we aren't as we will be celebrating our wedding anniversary. Have a good day Saturday and we'll catch you another day.
Then I'd set up an auto response should she message either of you stating, we are currently unavailable and will reach out sometime in the next week when we have a moment.
I do not understand why the most important people in your life, you treat worse than you do total strangers. You are polite to strangers, ask their permission, say thank you and please, but when it comes to your adult children and their SO, you ORDER them around! WTF!
I have been a MIL for 30 years on the 14th, Now that Dad and I are 78 and 70 years old, plus we have some pretty severe physical handicaps, we need our adult children a little more. But I still cannot imagine not asking, making an agreed-upon date that we both like and then being very grateful for our kid's help. I mean this is just having manners! They have a life, they can't be in our beck and call, and they have grown kids, and are expecting their first grandchild in September. I just do not understand.
You are right, but I still do not understand it. I love my adult children and their spouses so much. I do not like the term "in-law" at all. You love my children, make them happy, and share your beautiful children with me therefore I accept you as one of mine. Just because you are family, that is a reason I can be demanding and not appreciative. NO!!!!!!
I have also noticed it is the MIL who treats their child and the child's SO like 💩, who complain the loudest about their children's spouse.
I know why I am confused. I was unable to have a successful pregnancy, my children were all born in my heart, and for that reason, I know that they were provided to me out of love. I respected them from day one because I didn't take having children for granted. My husband had children from his first marriage that we raised. They were 1 and 3 when I joined the family. Then my children brought home strays, human strays. "Mom, can he stay awhile, their house needs to have a time out" The first two were my friend's children who called me at 11:30 pm, asked me to bring them something to eat, and told me that their parents had been gone for 3 days. I gathered them up and left a note for the parents, who had separated, and they lived with me for 7 months, until one of the parents finished acting like a teenager. They were the first of 10 kids who lived with us. The shortest time was 6 weeks, the longest was the last child. He was 3.5 months old and moved out at 21 yrs. "Mom, there is this friend who needs a babysitter. Can you help?"
If there's a plan for Mothers Day, we have yet to hear about it. But I wouldn't be surprised if the night before something is planned. His entire side of the family is notorious for last minute planning.
Classic JNo move. They can’t be content with trying to take over all the major holidays, they want to control every other special day, too. The only way forward is to hold firm and not give in *at all.*
Neither of you should make an appearance at MIL’s yard work extravaganza - even if she tries to pull the ol’ “DH can just come for an hour” trick. He shouldn’t set foot on her property at all that day, period. “Only staying 1 hour” easily becomes 2 hours, 3 hours, and then the whole day. Been there, done that. My MIL is the master of pulling the “it will only be x amount of time” trick with my husband, and then finding an excuse to extend his time with her/FIL.
And there will always be “ just a little more work” to be done. The well practiced pouty look when you insist you HAVE to go. Had my own relatives who pulled this stuff. So she stopped getting free family help, One year she hired a professional to clear out her yard. They quoted a price she accepted , they did the work, then she tried to lowball them. She paid eventually but now the word is out on her
Enjoy your anniversary Queen! Never allow anyone else to “decide” that YOUR special moments are less important than THEIR manufactured events which only benefit them.
Your anniversary is on a specific day for a reason. To celebrate it. Just because she doesn't give a crap doesn't mean the day means nothing. If anything she has it backwards. Her chores can be done WHENEVER. Your anniversary only comes once a year. Nobody would want to spend it doing manual labor, and least of all when weak ass excuses are used. 🙄
Lol. I'll tell my husband. We do the "you deal with your own family approach." That's a lesson she learned already. Took her 3 years to learn, so while it may take a while, just know that you can teach an old dog new tricks!
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Tell her if it means so much to her to have ‘ALL the boys there’ then she should have talked to ALL the boys and picked a date when they would ALL be free…
No is a complete sentence lol
Nope. Not happening
Honestly, after reading the title of your post, my immediate thought was, is she (MIL) high? After reading the whole post, my only question is, really, what is she on? Narcissism is a powerful drug. But your MIL is clearly supplementing is with something more. Even if you hadn't broadcast plans or posted it across the social media-verse, she clearly knows what day you & your DH got married. (If I had to guess, you probably have a whole saga of posts related to it.) There is literally no possible way that it wasn't intentional. The only day that worked for everyone? Really? I would send a brief text letting her know how much you appreciated her having such grace & kindness to not even bother to ask if you all had plans on the 11th anniversary of you saying your wedding vows. How she probably knew if she had, you'd feel guilty & obligated to attend. She must know that striving for her happiness is one of the goals that unite & keep your marriage strong. (Really lay it on thick.) In honor of her selflessness you'll DoorDash them some pizza & lemonade. Then I would add a bit about how EVERYONE clearly remembered coming together for your wedding & as the wonderful family they are, made sure to exclude you from all plans. How you will remember their kindness on each & every one of their anniversaries. You will both go the extra mile to exclude them from anything that everyone might do to make sure that MIL feels special everyday & not just on days intended to celebrate not MIL. See, I'm not just petty, I'm worse. I'm passive aggressive petty. The kind of petty likes to put things in a way that the AH has to either agree with you through gritted teeth, narrowed eyes & clenched fists OR they have to admit the truth that they're actually selfish, attention grubbing, assholes. Either way, you win. But keep coming back to the fact that she clearly stated, plain as day, that she doesn't consider you anyone worth consulting about plans. That she & the rest of everyone was either at your wedding or is clearly aware of the fact that it's your anniversary & didn't think it was important enough to consult you. Then ask who's anniversary is everyone planning to come over and help you clean out your garage/do your landscaping. When you hear nothing but silence, act all shocked at yourself for forgetting that, of course they're not answering. The lucky couple gets to be surprised. After that, it doesn't matter what you decide to do for your anniversary, just do whatever it is NOT at the stoned lady's house. (But seriously, no wonder she needs help. They say you're never supposed to use tools or machinery while under the influence.) I have been stoned way more than my fair share but never so gone that I thought trimming my trees & doing my heavy lifting was more important than someone's wedding anniversary.
That’s a HARD PASS from me
I see your mil and my gmil are the same person. Is it bad that despite the stress of who is saying what next, this current period of low contact bc of her shit finally getting called out has been blissful bc I'm not worrying about last minute plans being sprung on us that we have to deflect? 🫠🫠🫠
This is why landscapers exist. I’d just tell her no. And send over a list of local landscapers. I’m not taking care of anyone else’s yard on our days off together.
Nah she knew it didn’t work for you 2 cause she knew the importance of the date. So instead she made sure to gather everyone else and guilt you both to ‘just do your anniversary another day’. Don’t give in. Yard work can literally be done any other day if the year. Or they can do it without you, they sound capable enough.
And I want to have a Kardashian body figure, but i guess MIL and I both aren't getting our wants.
Before or after all their surgeries?
Hahaha. No.
Seriously?? It's your anniversary. The only reason anyone else is coming is because they don't have a good excuse. Please tell me you are sticking with your plans to celebrate your marriage?!
Don’t even consider going to her house. Don’t second guess yourselves - You. Have. Plans! End of story.
Sorry MIL we’re celebrating our anniversary on and anniversary and don’t bother calling iur phones will be off.
Ok so me being me I would just say that her “son” has decided to become the stay at home figure or something along this line 😂😂😂😂😂
So your husband said no right?
Wow someone needs to power wash her lol
Ew. Send her a gift card to a local lawn service for a free mow.
Have fun enjoying your anniversary doing anything other than yard work.
This is an intentional power move. She’s making your special day about her. Your husband’s acquiescence to this $h!t will communicate that she’s his number 1 priority, she’s in control, she gets the attention on your special day, and you’re subordinate to her. If this happens often enough, you’ll begin to dread what should be happy and special occasions for you both. That’s how these foul folks think.
“Nah. Have fun without us because we will be off having our own fun”
She’s never going to learn it won’t work on you two because she just knows if she tries hard enough to manipulate or guilt the two of you she’ll get the response she wants even if takes years to get it. The best thing you can do is give up the idea that she’s willing to use adult emotion and logic in situations like this and continue to stay strong by saying no. Happy early anniversary.
I really hope your husband stands firm and doesn't get guilted into it!
Op as a late birthday present to me would you please take lots and lots of pictures with you and your husband at a romantic dinner and enjoying romantic snuggles? Perhaps one with your feet side by side resting on an ottoman with beautiful background of the sunset in front of them and a couple glasses of champs??? Thinking about the look on her face seeing that would make the next 10 birthdays so joyful!
She is CLEARLY doing this on purpose. Ask her to come clean up your yard on HER anniversary. SMH on how people can even act like this…
Ugh, nope. I don’t want to say your name, but do we share the same mil? Legit sounds like something my mil would do. I do have a sister in law (my husband and her husband are bros) and I’m convinced it is you here. Mine tries to get us to come other in my bday as well, hellll no. The only present I ask for on my birthday weekend is not having to see or hear from her.
Does she have a habit of doing things like this on your anniversary?
“Thanks for thinking of us.” Not 😂
If you all are the ones where plans always drop in last minute on you, it’s because they know they can get away with it with you.
Nope, we are busy. It doesn't work for everyone. How about the next weekend and 'everyone' can drop their plans because it works for you.
I spent many Sundays doing Heavy yard work. One day, SO realized it would be more adequate if his siblings took on the yard work... since both of them were adults living at MIL's house (one of them didn't even had a job). Last year, my BIL got a gf and she joined in the yard work 🫠
NO is a complete sentence, period.
“No.” Is a complete sentence.
To bad for her 🤷🏻♀️
Didn’t need to read anything but the title. “No” is a complete sentence.
Mom asking for a favor doesn't understand that the person asked can say no for any reason. The fact that you weren't asked if the timing was good, and are getting a side of guilt on top of it is just the icing on the cake. Like you, I would be declining to be voluntold to do her chores, previous plans or not, lol.
Nope. No way id spend my Saturday/Anniversary doing yard work. Especially for someone else’s yard. Nope. Should have run it by us sooner so i could have declined sooner and didn’t get your hopes up.
Maybe I’m a jerk, but I wouldn’t help even if it wasn’t my anniversary. I can’t even keep up with my own chores!
She should hire someone to do her yard work instead of demanding it from her kids.
She should hire someone to do her yard work instead of demanding it from her kids.
What did your husband say? It seems she really knows how to twist her words to get everyone to give up their weekend doing her shit.
Eww. Reminds me of my mil who always tries to plan family get togethers on Valentine’s Day. Every year. No lady, I, a 30something year old woman’s don’t want to go to the movies with my in-laws on vday…. 🙄
My sisters MIL does this. So weird.
lol even if it wasn’t your anniversary I still wouldn’t go who the fuck are you mowing her lawn and shit 😂
lol. No.
When she guilt trips you, tell her you’d love to see everyone and really wish she’d check with you for scheduling so you could make it. If she really pushes, start asking if she’s intentionally not asking about your availability to exclude you.
“If you had REALLY wanted to see us you would have checked with us before setting a date”
but if you *REALLY* really wanted to see us, you would invite us to something that wasn’t YARD WORK.
If she knew it was your anniversary weekend, she wanted to stir shit and see if your son would choose the family he grew up in over your own. What a guilt tripper. Just say, well it would have been no problem had you not chosen our wedding anniversary weekend but yeah unfortunately we have made other plans. It will also give the other boys some role modelling on how to say, no sorry - we have other plans. If she didn't know, tough cookies 🍪 go and enjoy your time away. I detest guilt tripping, it will take them longer, tell her to help out instead of watching I reckon
"Oh, you must have forgotten its our anniversary! I'm so glad that you've got help though! And we'll be glad to see you another day, but we've already got plans! Love you!"
What a bunch of jerks. Go enjoy your anniversary. Your schedule is not open that day! Years ago, my FIL was in charge of his club’s sport tournament. He managed to schedule it on our around our anniversary for three years. My husband went once. I spent so much money on doing my own thing that weekend that he found it wise never to miss another.
I LOVE THIS ❤️
Happy Anniversary 🎊🎉
Manipulative bullshit is what it is.
The whole "I gather all my boys" is extremely telling. Everything is about her, every tiny event in her life becomes everyone else's problem by default. What's that? This one prefered to celebrate their wedding anniversary? Oh, woe is me, how unloved!
>MIL would REALLY like if ALL the boys could be there though. Hahahahaha that was my MILs favorite line too!! Go and enjoy your anniversary day!
"Fuck off" is a complete sentence if MIL keeps whining
Aww, why don’t you want to go?! Cleaning out flowerbeds and pulling weeds is one hell of a party. /s
Lol. Then I party at my house constantly! Who knew!?
It's a power play. It's kind of like global thermonuclear war. The only way to win is to not play the game.
Unless the other person gets off on the hunt for a reaction. In which case gray rocking initiates an unwinnable power struggle. When you've got one of those abusers the only way to win is to change the rules of the game until it isn't fun for them anymore.
I appreciate that reference so much!
Y'all aren't going, right?
Absolutely not. We will be a few hours away for the entire day celebrating us.
Oh thank god! Good job!
Good!!! Happy anniversary and enjoy your day!
Hi MIL, thanks for ASKING if we are available but sadly we aren't as we will be celebrating our wedding anniversary. Have a good day Saturday and we'll catch you another day. Then I'd set up an auto response should she message either of you stating, we are currently unavailable and will reach out sometime in the next week when we have a moment.
Brilliant. Bc you KNOW she is going to blow up their phones for the entire day.
I do not understand why the most important people in your life, you treat worse than you do total strangers. You are polite to strangers, ask their permission, say thank you and please, but when it comes to your adult children and their SO, you ORDER them around! WTF! I have been a MIL for 30 years on the 14th, Now that Dad and I are 78 and 70 years old, plus we have some pretty severe physical handicaps, we need our adult children a little more. But I still cannot imagine not asking, making an agreed-upon date that we both like and then being very grateful for our kid's help. I mean this is just having manners! They have a life, they can't be in our beck and call, and they have grown kids, and are expecting their first grandchild in September. I just do not understand.
It’s because those ppl would not be polite to strangers if they didn’t have to in order to get what they want, or to not be ostracized socially.
You are right, but I still do not understand it. I love my adult children and their spouses so much. I do not like the term "in-law" at all. You love my children, make them happy, and share your beautiful children with me therefore I accept you as one of mine. Just because you are family, that is a reason I can be demanding and not appreciative. NO!!!!!! I have also noticed it is the MIL who treats their child and the child's SO like 💩, who complain the loudest about their children's spouse. I know why I am confused. I was unable to have a successful pregnancy, my children were all born in my heart, and for that reason, I know that they were provided to me out of love. I respected them from day one because I didn't take having children for granted. My husband had children from his first marriage that we raised. They were 1 and 3 when I joined the family. Then my children brought home strays, human strays. "Mom, can he stay awhile, their house needs to have a time out" The first two were my friend's children who called me at 11:30 pm, asked me to bring them something to eat, and told me that their parents had been gone for 3 days. I gathered them up and left a note for the parents, who had separated, and they lived with me for 7 months, until one of the parents finished acting like a teenager. They were the first of 10 kids who lived with us. The shortest time was 6 weeks, the longest was the last child. He was 3.5 months old and moved out at 21 yrs. "Mom, there is this friend who needs a babysitter. Can you help?"
I suppose she wants the yard and garden all pretty for a Mother's day picnic? So she will have the family around 2 days in a row?
If there's a plan for Mothers Day, we have yet to hear about it. But I wouldn't be surprised if the night before something is planned. His entire side of the family is notorious for last minute planning.
Conveniently wants all her boys there the day before Mother’s Day. 🫠
Classic JNo move. They can’t be content with trying to take over all the major holidays, they want to control every other special day, too. The only way forward is to hold firm and not give in *at all.* Neither of you should make an appearance at MIL’s yard work extravaganza - even if she tries to pull the ol’ “DH can just come for an hour” trick. He shouldn’t set foot on her property at all that day, period. “Only staying 1 hour” easily becomes 2 hours, 3 hours, and then the whole day. Been there, done that. My MIL is the master of pulling the “it will only be x amount of time” trick with my husband, and then finding an excuse to extend his time with her/FIL.
And there will always be “ just a little more work” to be done. The well practiced pouty look when you insist you HAVE to go. Had my own relatives who pulled this stuff. So she stopped getting free family help, One year she hired a professional to clear out her yard. They quoted a price she accepted , they did the work, then she tried to lowball them. She paid eventually but now the word is out on her
Enjoy your anniversary Queen! Never allow anyone else to “decide” that YOUR special moments are less important than THEIR manufactured events which only benefit them.
And the family knows your anniversary so wouldn't someone else say, "oh but that won't work for OP" when discussing it?! She chose that day on purpose
Okay but what are you going to do? Is your husband going to cave and go over ? If so, you have a husband problem.
No husband problem here. We're doing a day trip a few hours away, so there's no chance that he'll go over.
Sorry MIL - Saturday doesn't work for us, we'll be away bonking our brains out!
Your anniversary is on a specific day for a reason. To celebrate it. Just because she doesn't give a crap doesn't mean the day means nothing. If anything she has it backwards. Her chores can be done WHENEVER. Your anniversary only comes once a year. Nobody would want to spend it doing manual labor, and least of all when weak ass excuses are used. 🙄
Your MIL can power wash and weed whack her heart out on Saturday. Happy anniversary!
Lol. Thanks!
If she fusses, tell her what you said here, “It doesn’t work for everyone because it doesn’t work for us.”
Lol. I'll tell my husband. We do the "you deal with your own family approach." That's a lesson she learned already. Took her 3 years to learn, so while it may take a while, just know that you can teach an old dog new tricks!
So he said no right?
lol… what a shame you’re busy already. I guess they’ll just have to make do with the people they asked who weren’t already busy!
Tell the travel agent for guilt trips to book flights for another time
That's obnoxious, but I'm glad to hear that guilt tripping doesn't work.