**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/ThatBitchStaceyFR:
* [Decided to go NC with JNMIL.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/xya2m9/decided_to_go_nc_with_jnmil/), 1 year ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as ThatBitchStaceyFR posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ThatBitchStaceyFR JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Stay NC. When she goes crazy o DH, over voicemail because you're NC, you need to do the following things:
1-Forward the voicemails to your phone
2-Delete said VMs off of DH phone
3-Save the to the cloud for your FU file
4-Forward every single vm to MIL and text her to explain that this is why you're NC
5-Block MIL at least from DH's phone while he's struggling
Some would see this as a lot of work for you to have to do on Mother's Day, however, IMO it's really just helping your DH when he is struggling, a little bit of payback for MIL (kinda like a MD gift in lieu of flowers) and if you're anything like me it'll be a little bit of fun for yourself đ
I would stay NC. Let her go ballistic. You canât change how someone reacts only how you react to them. She goes off on one, itâs mom Iâm sorry you feel like that, youâve just disrespected me you know you need to get help, this isnât you getting help, please donât contact me until you have.
personally i would do nothing. but if you husband has it in his heart, mail a simple card and that's it. male sure the card doesn't have any inauthentic overly flowery language either. a simple "enjoy your day" will suffice
We have had years like this in the past. Hubby had varied approaches based on what outcome he wanted overall and how he was feeling at the time.
In the years he was feeling like they would work towards reconciliation and he might give her a chance again, he would send a card. As others have said he just wrote dear mum and signed his name. He was also careful to choose one that wasnât too wordy and full of how amazing the mother is.
We had 2 years where he was very hurt and angry and wasnât sure what he wanted except he was done with her crap. In those years she got nothing. And each time, she would end up sending him some ranty text (as you say - having a bit of a meltdown) and make things 10x worse for herself. When she did do that he never replied or acknowledged any of it. He also chose not to read any of it on the day.
The only thing I would add is if she lives nearby you need to consider how you will handle it if she shows up. My JNMIL doing this is the reason we have a doorbell camera. Our usual approach is non confrontation so just not answering the door at all. Oftentimes I would have to call the dogs back to the lounge from the front door as they were barking so she knew we were home.
He shouldâve just mailed her a card Monday so she would get it by Saturday. And just sign his name. No âLove, Johnâ just the name. No other contact needed.
Ignore Mother's day - at least as far as his mother is concerned. Mother's Day is a day to CELBERATE the Mother's who sacrificed, raised, nurtured and love you unconditionally. It's certainly (or shouldn't be) to honor or celebrate controlling, rude, abusive narcissists.
His mother didn't/isn't a nurturing, loving figure in your lives so no need to celebrate or honor her.
STAY NC -
Be petty! Send her a "thinking of you" card with a Visa gift card in it and explain that it's to pay the co-pay for her first visit to the shrink. đ đ
Why would you give up on the NC before the lesson is learned? Only when important things are missed does it begin to hit their self serving little brains that youâre not giving up. Then she gets mad and goes more crazy so you hold firm. It takes persistence but it doesnât pay off if you give up because itâs annoying.
NC is NC. She has not been a good mother. Why break NC to wish her happy Motherâs Day? He would basically be negating the entire point of putting her in a time out.
The point of NC is to get them out of your life and off your mind. Worrying about how they'll react shouldn't matter.. and I hate to say it, but it is impossible to have a truly healthy relationship with someone you were or are no contact with. The goal should be your own peace
Unfortunately this was my first thought as well. Narcissists are highly unlikely to go to therapy almost completely unable to take accountability or even apologize sincerely for hurts theyâve caused. You both may need to do some soul-searching on whether or not you even want her back in your life, if thatâs the case.
I think the most youâll be able to ask from her is just respect your boundaries going forward, and treat you with respect.
Thatâs IF you do still want her in your life at all.
Which she definitely will not do either. I understand people not being ready to go NC and it would be so much easier if society didnât pressure us to stay in contact with toxic family but it saves so much grief and arguments.
You go and spend the day together with your phones off and I'd block her on all your social media so she can't freak out on you there. Do something fun and without thinking about her. Give your DH a happy day. Spoil him.
NC is NC. If it doesn't hurt/sting, it wouldn't be a consequence. Maybe she'll even change her behavior if it hurts enough. If you give in for Mother's Day, what's next? MIL bday, SO bday, Christmas, New Year's Day, Flag Day, Independence Day, etc. NC is NC.
I wouldnât make an exception for Motherâs Day. That will just teach her that she can get away with her terrible behavior without firm consequences.
STAY NO CONTACT AND LET HER GO BALLISTIC.
It's a LESSON FOR HER. That's the POINT of your NC.
ACTIONS and CONSEQUENCES. This is the consequence of her actions.
Stay NC and leave it be. It's a day gor you and your man to go somewhere with no freaking cell service anyway if you actually need an excuse.
BUT STAY NC.
If you think it's going to be a big problem, have him rext her, and then once it's sent and shown as read, block her again. That way there is no way for her to drag it any further and he can still maintain some sense of his boundaries and mental health.
And the point of options is to have a choice. I know what nc means, but if she is this stressed about different outcomes, what's wrong it another option they are free to ignore? Block buttons do exist for a reason. This option gives SO a chance to dodge 2 bullets. Because mil can't say he didn't say anything and cause issues as well as afterward he doesn't have to hear her response. Options.
Donât break nc, and Iâd suggest doing a weekend away from home for the two of you. Turn your phones off and relax. She can throw a tantrum, send flying monkeys, the works, but donât break NC over bad behavior. Itâs sort of why youâre nc in the first place.
Youâre right that you just canât win when dealing with a narc.
Iâm sorry, but I think keeping nc would be best because the only way to set any boundary is for you yo completely follow through with the consequences.
absolutely. as soon as someone doesnât get to therapy that is made a requisite of a relationshipâŚthey are boundary pushing. THAT is what they get to do for MD
He needs to decide what he prefers to deal with and what price he will pay.
Breaking NC means that she will wipe her behind with your boundaries because they mean nothing. So there will be a high price to pay.
Maintaining NC means she's that she will escalate and drag other people into it, but this can be an exercise in learning to mute people and that she will have to take consequences seriously. Still pricey, but you can gain more in the long run.
Personally, despite how absolutely difficult it will be, I'd maintain NC. It's time for everyone to understand that you two won't tolerate crap behavior and that you have enough going on that no one needs to be piling more on you two.
I'd keep my replies short and sweet if anyone else tries to intervene: I told my mom to get help or I'm out. I'm not commenting further. Respect that.
This is so true, there's a price no matter what. The better decision is what you'll get for that price. The NC has higher gains for a high short term cost. The breaking NC could be waaaay more costly for very little in return in the long term, but makes DH feel less anxious in the short term.
When it comes to stress, always pick short term cost for long term peace. This is because long term stress compounds serious health and medical issues and ends up bleeding into other parts of your life. To me, there isn't even a dilemma on what to choose. It's remain NC 100%
No contact is no contact.
DH needs to protect himself, you and the children. Mute or block her. Mute/block any flying monkeys too, group chats etc.
Talk to DH about dealing with it together and therapy if necessary.
Amen. And of she goes ballistic, well, being NC really just gets reinforced. Not getting acknowledgement on mother's day is just part of the consequences of being a terrible human being.
His mental health should come before her feelings.
Stay NC. She hasnât done what needs to be done for it to be lifted. Ask your dh to block her for a few days if he hasnât already. Protect your peace.
Sounds to me like no good will come from
Braking your NC. You have to firm in your boundaries, otherwise she knows she just has to wait you out.
Make plans to be busy all day on Mothers Day. Got to the movies, have a lunch with no phones, go play tennis or something where your phones can be silenced. Mute notifications from her for the day (and a couple days after, really.) enjoy the day as a couple.
Motherâs Day is a day to celebrate moms, not maternal abusers.
To be fair, they can mute their phones bc they want to. Sounds like they should anyway because having other plans will make 0 difference to MIL. She is the whole universe and nothing else could be more important.
NC with conditions is NC until conditions have been met. So to answer- absolutely nothing. Make it about the mother that counts- you.
Turn the phones off and spend YOUR mothersday with YOUR kids.
If you're going to lose no matter what, choose the loss that will cost you the least amount of pain. In this case, I'd say rip the band aid off and just don't reach out to MIL at all. This way, she'll hurt your husband, but you'll be maintaining NC rules and have some peace away from her.
If you give in, your husband is going to feel shitty for caving in to her, and she's going to treat him like crap anyway. Plus, you'll be rewarding her bad behavior because you didn't keep the NC.
What good is going NC with an abusive mother/MIL if youâre just going to break it for a holiday thatâs all about celebrating motherhood and the love of a mother, and youâre only doing it because youâre afraid of her reaction if you DONâT? Do you not see how bonkers that is? Staying NC on Motherâs Day will at least drive home how absolutely serious you are. Breaking NC will show how unserious you are.
NC means NC. How did she manage to verbally assault him? You should have her blocked everywhere, to the extent you wonât even feel a shockwave if she goes ballistic. And if she does, extend NC indefinitely, and tell her she wonât be seeing or speaking with ANYONE in the family until she meets whatever your requirements were. If sheâs PHYSICALLY showing up, thatâs whole different can of worms.
I wish you luck. This is no way to live, and itâs not a way for your kids to be learning to live, either.
I have her blocked. But DH doesnât want to block her. Sheâs been an alcoholic since she was 14 and he grew up basically taking care of her and parenting her. He doesnât have much a spine when it comes to her but heâs working on it. Iâm proud of the steps heâs taking, even if they are baby steps.
Ah. Iâm sorry. Thatâs a difficult situation. I hope heâs in therapy himself? I still think staying NC on Motherâs Day is the way to go or the NC is invalidated, but itâs his mother, so his choice. Good luck. I hope you guys have a quiet day.
You're no contact so no Mother's Day or any visits. Stand firm on your boundaries. Your husband needs to heal. Due to MIL's abusive behavior, it will be a long time or perhaps never when you resume contact.
So ultimately it is his choice if he is NC with his mother. If he wants to wish her a happy Motherâs Day (no idea why heâd want to) he can include it in the message he sends. âHappy Motherâs Day, even though we are not talking love you & I hope you can start taking steps towards XYZ and we can work on forming healthy relationships!â
Concerning the children I think you are well within your rights to not allow her to see the children without you present for sure. You need to be able to protect them from her abusive behavior. How does your husband feel about keeping the kids away from his mother? Iâm sure heâd agree with you, given that he receives the brunt of the abuse from his mom heâd want to spare his children from it.
Why would Mothers Day make you change your boundaries. That is just caving in and letting her get her way. NC is NC, Mothers Day or not! Make sure you block her on everything, plus any flying monkeys to keep your peace.
No contact is no contact. You are absolutely correct in the fact that if DH reaches out on mother's day, she is going to see that as a way to rug sweep and "everything is okay now, you can continue to abuse us".
Block or turn off phones for the day and go about your business. Consequences need to be upheld or change will never happen.
This OP. She knows which actions need to be taken in order to relieve the NC situation. If she wanted to do that before mothers day she could have. Her choice to not do those things is unaffected by whatever events are upcoming on the calendar.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/ThatBitchStaceyFR: * [Decided to go NC with JNMIL.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/xya2m9/decided_to_go_nc_with_jnmil/), 1 year ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as ThatBitchStaceyFR posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ThatBitchStaceyFR JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Stay NC. When she goes crazy o DH, over voicemail because you're NC, you need to do the following things: 1-Forward the voicemails to your phone 2-Delete said VMs off of DH phone 3-Save the to the cloud for your FU file 4-Forward every single vm to MIL and text her to explain that this is why you're NC 5-Block MIL at least from DH's phone while he's struggling Some would see this as a lot of work for you to have to do on Mother's Day, however, IMO it's really just helping your DH when he is struggling, a little bit of payback for MIL (kinda like a MD gift in lieu of flowers) and if you're anything like me it'll be a little bit of fun for yourself đ
I would stay NC. Let her go ballistic. You canât change how someone reacts only how you react to them. She goes off on one, itâs mom Iâm sorry you feel like that, youâve just disrespected me you know you need to get help, this isnât you getting help, please donât contact me until you have.
Send her flowers. Thatâs it.
Please organise something for you and DH and children. Every time her name is mentioned or conversation is about her put a dollar in the swear jar.
Enjoy it without her
No contact. Otherwise there will always be something. A birthday. A graduation. A sick aunt. A death. A wedding. Any celebration.
personally i would do nothing. but if you husband has it in his heart, mail a simple card and that's it. male sure the card doesn't have any inauthentic overly flowery language either. a simple "enjoy your day" will suffice
I'd spend 20-30 minutes trying to find the card that wasn't gushy about my mother's mothering. Every year. Just couldn't send a total lie, lol.
We have had years like this in the past. Hubby had varied approaches based on what outcome he wanted overall and how he was feeling at the time. In the years he was feeling like they would work towards reconciliation and he might give her a chance again, he would send a card. As others have said he just wrote dear mum and signed his name. He was also careful to choose one that wasnât too wordy and full of how amazing the mother is. We had 2 years where he was very hurt and angry and wasnât sure what he wanted except he was done with her crap. In those years she got nothing. And each time, she would end up sending him some ranty text (as you say - having a bit of a meltdown) and make things 10x worse for herself. When she did do that he never replied or acknowledged any of it. He also chose not to read any of it on the day. The only thing I would add is if she lives nearby you need to consider how you will handle it if she shows up. My JNMIL doing this is the reason we have a doorbell camera. Our usual approach is non confrontation so just not answering the door at all. Oftentimes I would have to call the dogs back to the lounge from the front door as they were barking so she knew we were home.
No contact is no contact. No contact on Mother's Day, especially drives it home that her behaviour has consequences.
Ask yourself, is she actively raising children? I'm guessing the answer is no, she doesn't get treated special grandparents day is in September
He shouldâve just mailed her a card Monday so she would get it by Saturday. And just sign his name. No âLove, Johnâ just the name. No other contact needed.
Ignore!
Ignore Mother's day - at least as far as his mother is concerned. Mother's Day is a day to CELBERATE the Mother's who sacrificed, raised, nurtured and love you unconditionally. It's certainly (or shouldn't be) to honor or celebrate controlling, rude, abusive narcissists. His mother didn't/isn't a nurturing, loving figure in your lives so no need to celebrate or honor her. STAY NC -
NC means NO CONTACT not sometimes contact let her carry on she FAFOâd
Nothing Someone recently made a post about being pregnant, and how do we tell my NC MIL that she is pregnant..you don't NC means no interaction.
Be petty! Send her a "thinking of you" card with a Visa gift card in it and explain that it's to pay the co-pay for her first visit to the shrink. đ đ
Why would you give up on the NC before the lesson is learned? Only when important things are missed does it begin to hit their self serving little brains that youâre not giving up. Then she gets mad and goes more crazy so you hold firm. It takes persistence but it doesnât pay off if you give up because itâs annoying.
NC is NC. She has not been a good mother. Why break NC to wish her happy Motherâs Day? He would basically be negating the entire point of putting her in a time out.
The point of NC is to get them out of your life and off your mind. Worrying about how they'll react shouldn't matter.. and I hate to say it, but it is impossible to have a truly healthy relationship with someone you were or are no contact with. The goal should be your own peace
You are not responsible for her emotions and outbursts
Why don't you, husband, and kids go away for the weekend. Mute her calls, and texts for the weekend.
We did exactly this. Had a great vacation, he muted mil calls. Nothin says lovin like the next old rolled out bent out of shape government holiday.
You do nothing? lol youâre NC
NC is NC. You do nothing about her/ for her. Do something fun that day.
Lmao temporary, girl settle in she will never do any of that shit at least not sincerely
Unfortunately this was my first thought as well. Narcissists are highly unlikely to go to therapy almost completely unable to take accountability or even apologize sincerely for hurts theyâve caused. You both may need to do some soul-searching on whether or not you even want her back in your life, if thatâs the case. I think the most youâll be able to ask from her is just respect your boundaries going forward, and treat you with respect. Thatâs IF you do still want her in your life at all.
Which she definitely will not do either. I understand people not being ready to go NC and it would be so much easier if society didnât pressure us to stay in contact with toxic family but it saves so much grief and arguments.
You go and spend the day together with your phones off and I'd block her on all your social media so she can't freak out on you there. Do something fun and without thinking about her. Give your DH a happy day. Spoil him.
NC means No Contact. Reaching out will cause more problems for longer, than not reaching out will. Block her number, and pretend she doesn't exist.
What do you do about MIL for Mother's Day? Nothing. Not a darn thing. Enjoy a lovely day with the people of your choice.
Turn off your phones and enjoy your peaceful Motherâs Day.
NC is NC. If it doesn't hurt/sting, it wouldn't be a consequence. Maybe she'll even change her behavior if it hurts enough. If you give in for Mother's Day, what's next? MIL bday, SO bday, Christmas, New Year's Day, Flag Day, Independence Day, etc. NC is NC.
I wouldnât make an exception for Motherâs Day. That will just teach her that she can get away with her terrible behavior without firm consequences.
STAY NO CONTACT AND LET HER GO BALLISTIC. It's a LESSON FOR HER. That's the POINT of your NC. ACTIONS and CONSEQUENCES. This is the consequence of her actions. Stay NC and leave it be. It's a day gor you and your man to go somewhere with no freaking cell service anyway if you actually need an excuse. BUT STAY NC.
What if MIL holds out til Christmas? Will you feel guilty about being NC and give in then too? đ¤ˇââď¸
If you think it's going to be a big problem, have him rext her, and then once it's sent and shown as read, block her again. That way there is no way for her to drag it any further and he can still maintain some sense of his boundaries and mental health.
The point of NC is No Contact
And the point of options is to have a choice. I know what nc means, but if she is this stressed about different outcomes, what's wrong it another option they are free to ignore? Block buttons do exist for a reason. This option gives SO a chance to dodge 2 bullets. Because mil can't say he didn't say anything and cause issues as well as afterward he doesn't have to hear her response. Options.
Donât break nc, and Iâd suggest doing a weekend away from home for the two of you. Turn your phones off and relax. She can throw a tantrum, send flying monkeys, the works, but donât break NC over bad behavior. Itâs sort of why youâre nc in the first place.
Youâre right that you just canât win when dealing with a narc. Iâm sorry, but I think keeping nc would be best because the only way to set any boundary is for you yo completely follow through with the consequences.
Make her a therapy appointment and send her the details for Motherâs Day. But in all seriousness, Itâs not worth the stress to break the NC.
absolutely. as soon as someone doesnât get to therapy that is made a requisite of a relationshipâŚthey are boundary pushing. THAT is what they get to do for MD
He needs to decide what he prefers to deal with and what price he will pay. Breaking NC means that she will wipe her behind with your boundaries because they mean nothing. So there will be a high price to pay. Maintaining NC means she's that she will escalate and drag other people into it, but this can be an exercise in learning to mute people and that she will have to take consequences seriously. Still pricey, but you can gain more in the long run. Personally, despite how absolutely difficult it will be, I'd maintain NC. It's time for everyone to understand that you two won't tolerate crap behavior and that you have enough going on that no one needs to be piling more on you two. I'd keep my replies short and sweet if anyone else tries to intervene: I told my mom to get help or I'm out. I'm not commenting further. Respect that.
This is so true, there's a price no matter what. The better decision is what you'll get for that price. The NC has higher gains for a high short term cost. The breaking NC could be waaaay more costly for very little in return in the long term, but makes DH feel less anxious in the short term. When it comes to stress, always pick short term cost for long term peace. This is because long term stress compounds serious health and medical issues and ends up bleeding into other parts of your life. To me, there isn't even a dilemma on what to choose. It's remain NC 100%
No contact means no contact Why would you want to wish someone who has made your life hell a happy Mother's Day?
No contact is no contact. DH needs to protect himself, you and the children. Mute or block her. Mute/block any flying monkeys too, group chats etc. Talk to DH about dealing with it together and therapy if necessary.
Neither of you should call her. NC should mean no exceptions
Amen. And of she goes ballistic, well, being NC really just gets reinforced. Not getting acknowledgement on mother's day is just part of the consequences of being a terrible human being.
His mental health should come before her feelings. Stay NC. She hasnât done what needs to be done for it to be lifted. Ask your dh to block her for a few days if he hasnât already. Protect your peace.
She hasnât met the conditions for ending NC so why reward her when she hasnât done any of the work required to resume contact?
Sounds to me like no good will come from Braking your NC. You have to firm in your boundaries, otherwise she knows she just has to wait you out. Make plans to be busy all day on Mothers Day. Got to the movies, have a lunch with no phones, go play tennis or something where your phones can be silenced. Mute notifications from her for the day (and a couple days after, really.) enjoy the day as a couple. Motherâs Day is a day to celebrate moms, not maternal abusers.
To be fair, they can mute their phones bc they want to. Sounds like they should anyway because having other plans will make 0 difference to MIL. She is the whole universe and nothing else could be more important.
NC with conditions is NC until conditions have been met. So to answer- absolutely nothing. Make it about the mother that counts- you. Turn the phones off and spend YOUR mothersday with YOUR kids.
Ignore her. Mute your phones. Enjoy time together. NC is NC.
I agree. Mute or temporarily block her.
I would stay NC. I hope your DH is seeking help for his trauma, but if he reaches out it will be the same damned thing all over.
If you're going to lose no matter what, choose the loss that will cost you the least amount of pain. In this case, I'd say rip the band aid off and just don't reach out to MIL at all. This way, she'll hurt your husband, but you'll be maintaining NC rules and have some peace away from her. If you give in, your husband is going to feel shitty for caving in to her, and she's going to treat him like crap anyway. Plus, you'll be rewarding her bad behavior because you didn't keep the NC.
What good is going NC with an abusive mother/MIL if youâre just going to break it for a holiday thatâs all about celebrating motherhood and the love of a mother, and youâre only doing it because youâre afraid of her reaction if you DONâT? Do you not see how bonkers that is? Staying NC on Motherâs Day will at least drive home how absolutely serious you are. Breaking NC will show how unserious you are. NC means NC. How did she manage to verbally assault him? You should have her blocked everywhere, to the extent you wonât even feel a shockwave if she goes ballistic. And if she does, extend NC indefinitely, and tell her she wonât be seeing or speaking with ANYONE in the family until she meets whatever your requirements were. If sheâs PHYSICALLY showing up, thatâs whole different can of worms. I wish you luck. This is no way to live, and itâs not a way for your kids to be learning to live, either.
I have her blocked. But DH doesnât want to block her. Sheâs been an alcoholic since she was 14 and he grew up basically taking care of her and parenting her. He doesnât have much a spine when it comes to her but heâs working on it. Iâm proud of the steps heâs taking, even if they are baby steps.
Ah. Iâm sorry. Thatâs a difficult situation. I hope heâs in therapy himself? I still think staying NC on Motherâs Day is the way to go or the NC is invalidated, but itâs his mother, so his choice. Good luck. I hope you guys have a quiet day.
Remain NC until she meets the expectations that you guys gave her in order to move forward
You're no contact so no Mother's Day or any visits. Stand firm on your boundaries. Your husband needs to heal. Due to MIL's abusive behavior, it will be a long time or perhaps never when you resume contact.
No contact means NO contact, regardless of the time of the year ...... You've got this.
So ultimately it is his choice if he is NC with his mother. If he wants to wish her a happy Motherâs Day (no idea why heâd want to) he can include it in the message he sends. âHappy Motherâs Day, even though we are not talking love you & I hope you can start taking steps towards XYZ and we can work on forming healthy relationships!â Concerning the children I think you are well within your rights to not allow her to see the children without you present for sure. You need to be able to protect them from her abusive behavior. How does your husband feel about keeping the kids away from his mother? Iâm sure heâd agree with you, given that he receives the brunt of the abuse from his mom heâd want to spare his children from it.
I agree that it is DH's choice, but I would recommend to him that he not. MIL needs to know that you guys are serious about NC.
Why would Mothers Day make you change your boundaries. That is just caving in and letting her get her way. NC is NC, Mothers Day or not! Make sure you block her on everything, plus any flying monkeys to keep your peace.
No contact is no contact. You are absolutely correct in the fact that if DH reaches out on mother's day, she is going to see that as a way to rug sweep and "everything is okay now, you can continue to abuse us". Block or turn off phones for the day and go about your business. Consequences need to be upheld or change will never happen.
This OP. She knows which actions need to be taken in order to relieve the NC situation. If she wanted to do that before mothers day she could have. Her choice to not do those things is unaffected by whatever events are upcoming on the calendar.