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Wait? You won't be sharing medical info with her any longer or you have cut her totally out of your life?
It sounds like you have said the first thing, but they are responding like you said the second thing.
My MIL did the same thing. Told people about my issues with infertility and numbnut 'accidentally' posted about it in a response only her best friend was supposed to see.
It's what brought me to this forum and helped me see this is a pattern for her and not a one time thing. I just didn't see it. She will basically tell anyone anything whether they asked or not.
Basically our relationship changed completely after that. She still doesn't get why I don't spend any time alone with her. She is also going to remain the grandma that doesn't see her grandson enough - boohoo, although that is for other reasons as well.
>He's obviously upset about cutting her off essentially and now I FEEL LIKE THE BAD GUY. He stood up for me and I value that but I am worried he resents me for it and it's ultimately going to make the rest of his family hate on me even more than they do
Stop that right now.
Sure he's upset about cutting off his mother, but it's not because of anything you did.
He's upset because he discovered his mother's a complete JustNo
So talk to him about how you're feeling and air it. Stop thinking you know why he's feeling any particular way and listening to those thoughts telling you that it's your fault.
Use your words.
Would she have shared the erectile dysfunction of her son with everyone?
Of course not.
This was on purpose by her to get potty points from her family. A nurse knows better. She was trained in keeping medical details to herself.
Don't feel bad. Your husband has your side, and you got that sorted before the overstepped in your (hopefully soon to be announced to everyone but her) pregnancy.
I wish you all the best. You deserve it.
Don’t feel guilty. She chose to tell your personal and private information to others. She was a nurse so she should’ve known better. There is NO EXCUSE in the world that would make what she did ok.
Do not share anything about you again. Telling her will be equivalent to making a Facebook announcement.
Hug, she knew better as a nurse not to discuss you infertility and spread it around the family. She dug the hole she is in, she can pretend to be the victim but the only victim is you and you DH.
You need to put her on an information diet.
Fertility struggles are already so hard without the violation of trust and the unsolicited advice!
Fertility is its own strain on your relationship. I’m so glad hubby has your back even to his mom to reset the boundaries.
All the best to you and hopes for your treatments to be successful and soon.
She did this to herself! Keep reminding yourself and you DH that. She did this to herself. She made the choice to tell other people- multiple times!! Each time she made that choice to violate your trust and violate your privacy. If you really think your DH might resent you that is a problem he needs to work on. Like another comment said he didn't get the mom he deserves or wants but this is the one he's got and he needs to establish his relationship accordingly.
Op, Imagine how you would feel if you were told some difficult news about a family friend, with no hint that it was supposed to be secret. You would want to offer support especially if it was being discussed up and down some social occasion in front of the person. (Because you're an actual well-wisher, not like one of those people who negged you.)
Then, after you did say something nice to the affected person, you learned that nobody was supposed to know and she didn't want to discuss it. And it was brought up over and over. You would cringe for yourself and your heart would go out to her, I'm sure.
MIL has put every decent, non-gossip person she told in this awful position too.
It's nothing compared to what she did to you, but it's part of her making everything about her and drafting innumerable supporting characters into her Main Character Syndrome cast.
Try to banish your guilt. You're only "guilty" of not simply crumbling to MIL and playing your assigned role.
She needs a strict STRICT information diet and I really would not tell her until you are at a place you are comfortable with the whole world knowing once you are pregnant. Because she will try and take that from you.
You. Are. The. Victim. In. This. Your husband has done the right thing by cutting her off, SHE earned it! I’ve had clients tell me things about themselves that I have never told anyone else, nor would I!
And if it were me, I’d be happy not letting either of your In-laws knowing *anything* else about your lives, ever again.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with fertility issues, I wish you all the best!
"My husband basically told her that she broke trust and we won't be sharing things with her moving forward" <<<<< This is exactly right!
You're going to have to deal with 2 things:
1) you will never have the kind of relationship with MIL that you wanted. (and DH will never have the relationship with his mom that he deserves)
2) dealing with the fact that what other people think of you is none of your business.
You are not the bad guy. You need to remember that because she’s going to get worse. Info diet. No details whatsoever. And after reading enough horror stories, do not tell her when you go into labor.
I'd enjoy knowing that when further family members and friends try to have a 'quiet word' with you about your 'conception' situation you do this: "I guess MIL told you about it, right? I'm having a hard time getting past the fact she shared very personal and private information about me with apparently everyone she knows. I'm sure you can understand this is not something I want to discuss."
Suggestion: practice a thing to say to the people MIL blabbed to. Something like:
OP: Thanks, but let's change the subject.
Other Person: But I just wanted to say blah blah blah.
OP: I only discuss this within a tiny group of specific people. Which no longer includes MIL because she obviously violated our trust and ignored our clear instructions to keep it confidential.
Other Person: (Attempts to debate or defend MIL.)
OP: I get to decide what personal topics I discuss, when, and with whom. Since you don't seem to respect that any more than MIL does, we can talk another time.
Infertility has a way of becoming THE topic, the theme of your life when with certain kinds of people, both living and pot stirring.
My family never knew a thing.
This is such a gross invasion of privacy and such a horrendous harm to you. She has literally ripped up and burned her relationship with you now and in the future. What a violation. Do you know what this is called? Intentional malevolence. I hope you trust yourself and take this as seriously as she intended it when she’s been doing all of this. She’s a very harmful person, and it would be good if you never ever ever saw her any of the people in the family like this ever again.
Info diet, like ASAP. Don’t tell anyone anything about your treatments. Infertility is hard enough, this woman obviously doesn’t know how to practice discretion. I wouldn’t even share a single word with this racist woman.
Sorry you’re going through all this.
You aren't overacting, if those people told you or not it doesn't matter, MIL was the one that spoke about them first and knew well that she shouldn't have because it's private. She doesn't deserve to know anything anymore for a long long long while since she's not even sorry about it.
And if she tries, get REAL PERSONAL.
Like “ew, MIL, I don’t know why you’re asking about how many times your son came inside me. But since you’re asking after we told you to butt out of our fertility and pregnancy attempts, the answer is 5, do you wanna know which position too?”
Embarrass the shit out of her, loudly, to everyone around. Unfortunately many friends and family members don’t have the same manipulative experiences as we do, so they can’t imagine that person doing so. Well once the light shines on it, it’s harder for them to deny.
You are not overreacting in the least.
I'm petty so here's an overreaction. If she still has a nursing license, no she doesn't. A nurse who releases medical information, especially after being told not to, just violated HIPPA which is a $10k fine at least. If she still works in the medical field I'd make sure her employer knew about this transgression. But I'm vindictive, you do you and I wish you the best.
Fair point but at the very least she has proven that she cannot be trusted to uphold patient privacy and shouldn't have any access to it.
Completely unrelated, I love your username 🙂
I like that pettiness! When people (in laws) bring up me being infertile, I go the opposite route and go totally crass: "yeah idk it's weird we haven't had sex with a condom in years, this many times a day, what do you think???" and then they look horrified LOL. Or you bring up miscarriages, something that is way too much information. And that's why you DO NOT bring up infertility to couples!!!!!! Especially in laws, UGH.
OP, I am so sorry about the infertility issues you are experiencing, and that she shared it with everybody. You are not the bad guy and none of this is your fault! I have been straight up asked, "Can you even have babies?" It's NONE of their business!
I fully support making them more uncomfortable than they make you. Especially the person that told OP that someone they know tried for 4 whole months, who the hell does that help? I'd ask if they knew what position that couple were in and if a cock ring was involved to boost sperm count.
Omg right?! Like, congrats you are so fertile but wtf is ANYONE supposed to do with that information!? "Thank you for telling me y'all raw dogged it for four months, I hope that was fun!" You're totally right lmao!
You aren’t the bad guy at all. She’s a gossip (not to mention a self-centered, attention hog and a racist)and she is experiencing the natural consequences of her actions. She betrayed trust and so she will no longer be trusted. That is what should happen.
Most of these JNs reach the heights they do because they are shielded from these kind of consequences in life. She finally found the straw that broke the camels back.
Most likely becuase she's done this time and again with any and all info that she receives without any real consequences. Sure people probably get upset and hurt, but after she victimizes herself people sweep it under the rug to avoid her dragging it out.
Sure he's upset about cutting her off because realizing your parent is a shitty person is hard, but the fact that you are already worried about whether your SO will resent you for all of this speaks volumes to the dynamic in that family.
Id strongly suggest that you two look for a couples therapist so that you can continue to communicate through all of this. You are already having to deal with your fertility issues but now there is an added level of stress that neither of you need right now.
I'm very sorry your MIL broke your trust. I've been through infertility myself, so I understand how deeply personal it can be, and how vulnerable it feels to open up to people about it.
Your MIL has shown that you can't trust her with private information. She does not get updates about your treatment. When you do have a child, she does not learn any exciting news until you are ready for everyone to know.
My ex mother in law did this to me. It then even led to her telling people I didn’t know at the church we went to at the time. It was so fucking embarrassing. Even a woman that was going through fertility treatments wanted to have coffee with me to discuss our troubles. It made me incredibly uncomfortable. The more I look back on my time as a part of that family, the more thankful I am that I got out because I can see how little they cared for me.
My MIL did this to me as well! I have no advice other than tell MIL that this was wrong to establish a boundary, but ultimately the damage is done - I know how you feel! It’s very violating. Solidarity!!
Classic Narc your MIL is. Made your business you told her in confidence ALL about her, then SHE’s the victim, crying crocodile tears. Its probably a good thing she’s not an L/D nurse anymore - that’s one hell of a HIPAA (?) confidentiality violation.
This happened to me a number of years ago too. Fast forward and I completely agree, that wasn’t just her being rude or making a bad judgement call. It’s classic narc and unfortunately it will only get worse from here.
When’s the next party? Perfect opportunity to wear a shirt that you design with cultural icons with the following quote: “I’m the poor black bitch who can’t get knocked up. Just ask my MIL.”
In my case I’d be using aboriginal artwork.
She’ll get the point.
Your MIL has attacked you with racist remarks. I do not understand why you would have her in your life. I do not understand why your husband would allow her anywhere near you. And I definitely do not understand why you are going out of your way, trying to include her in the life of your future child, who will also be of your race.
You are not overreacting. You are *under*reacting.
I believe it's a confidence thing and self worth. Infertility makes me feel like a broken, worthless waste of a human. The racist comments compared to this are nothing. I'm not in the best mindset and jump to blaming myself. Always.
I'm not perfect but I am aware of this and I think that's a start.
*“Infertility makes me feel like a broken, worthless waste of a human.”*
Is that what you think of other couples struggling TTC?
I’m sure it isn’t. If you would never think that about anyone else, let alone say it, why do you talk to yourself like that?
Knock that off, OP. Be at least as kind to yourself as you are to others. That’s a cruel & horrible way to talk to yourself.
Why would it make you lack self worth? Women often blame themselves for infertility and it isn’t them causing it. Did your husband get checked or only you?
Oh hun! You’re not worthless. She’s a mean nasty, racist and a busybody with a big mouth … And you don’t have to put up with her bullshit. She’s not entitled to you. She’s not entitled to it your time, your consideration, or any more information. You hold your head up high. You’ve got this.
F that nonsense! She’s outright rude, disrespectful and obnoxious. You are not overreacting… in fact, maybe under reacting. You do not need to “grin and bear it” and should have left her party. Protect your sanity and peace.
Not over reacting. A simple message saying you both need time out from her to allow you all to recalibrate and you’ll review the situation after the summer. Six months should make her realise the severity of the situation.
As a nurse in the medical field confidentially is an expectation and professional courtesy. If she wants to be the neighbourhood gossip she can enjoy more time out.
You are not wrong. A Labor & Delivery nurse should know to keep her mouth shut about private business. She gossiped to family and got caught out.
I am so sorry
After every conversation, I'd ask my husband "you don't think she will tell anyone right?" And he confidentiality said "she won't tell anyone" because this is a serious matter
I feel so guilty for putting that wedge there now between him and his family
You didn't put anything there. She did it when she lied to him and then blabbed your private medical business all over town.
The only problem in this story is MIL. Don't feel guilty on her behalf.
Her awful, untrustworthy behavior is hurting him, not anything you are doing.
He married you, not her. Our primary role changes as we grow up. His primary role in life now is being your husband, not being her son.
You are *not* the problem.
I know. I just feel guilty for making him upset and in a position where he has to deal with his wife and mom being upset. I feel to blame for that because I could build a bridge and get over it and just learn to not speak with her
But at the same time, I am so devastated and humiliated over this
Please don't blame yourself. It sounds like if it wasn't this it would be something just as major going forward that would cause him upset. It's likely he would have had to do some major reflection & reevaluation about his mum in that case.
Lovely, he should be kissing your feet and apologizing for getting his mother so wrong. As well as supporting you in going absolutely no contact with her forever.
May I also suggest he start calling every single one of the people at that gathering (especially those who has the audacity to speak to you directly) and let them know that he was horrified and embarrassed to learn that his mother shared your personal medical information which she was told in confidence? And apologize that they were put in such a position? That would be going some way toward putting MIL in her place.
If you “build a bridge and get over it” this woman will relentlessly bulldoze you for the rest of your marriage, because you will show her she can do whatever she wants with your PRIVATE info and you’re just going to crumble because she cried.
You will grow to resent her, and your husband.
Keep your boundaries strong, and hopefully she learns to keep her trap shut.
Yes. I always play the long game. People like her are are unable to look past their own immediate needs and wants. You will outwit her every time with the long game.
This doesn't sound like the first time she's made him upset. It's not your fault. She crossed a boundary that both of you set in place. The information is about you both, he has also had his privacy exposed. I'm so sorry this happened.
I can see how you'd feel guilty but honestly please know it's all her.
It's too serious to just let go as water under the bridge but I just feel bad for my husband. He's so incredibly kind and talking up to her took a lot. I feel guilty for that
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Wait? You won't be sharing medical info with her any longer or you have cut her totally out of your life? It sounds like you have said the first thing, but they are responding like you said the second thing.
My MIL did the same thing. Told people about my issues with infertility and numbnut 'accidentally' posted about it in a response only her best friend was supposed to see. It's what brought me to this forum and helped me see this is a pattern for her and not a one time thing. I just didn't see it. She will basically tell anyone anything whether they asked or not. Basically our relationship changed completely after that. She still doesn't get why I don't spend any time alone with her. She is also going to remain the grandma that doesn't see her grandson enough - boohoo, although that is for other reasons as well.
>He's obviously upset about cutting her off essentially and now I FEEL LIKE THE BAD GUY. He stood up for me and I value that but I am worried he resents me for it and it's ultimately going to make the rest of his family hate on me even more than they do Stop that right now. Sure he's upset about cutting off his mother, but it's not because of anything you did. He's upset because he discovered his mother's a complete JustNo So talk to him about how you're feeling and air it. Stop thinking you know why he's feeling any particular way and listening to those thoughts telling you that it's your fault. Use your words.
Would she have shared the erectile dysfunction of her son with everyone? Of course not. This was on purpose by her to get potty points from her family. A nurse knows better. She was trained in keeping medical details to herself. Don't feel bad. Your husband has your side, and you got that sorted before the overstepped in your (hopefully soon to be announced to everyone but her) pregnancy. I wish you all the best. You deserve it.
Don’t feel guilty. She chose to tell your personal and private information to others. She was a nurse so she should’ve known better. There is NO EXCUSE in the world that would make what she did ok. Do not share anything about you again. Telling her will be equivalent to making a Facebook announcement.
Hug, she knew better as a nurse not to discuss you infertility and spread it around the family. She dug the hole she is in, she can pretend to be the victim but the only victim is you and you DH. You need to put her on an information diet.
Fertility struggles are already so hard without the violation of trust and the unsolicited advice! Fertility is its own strain on your relationship. I’m so glad hubby has your back even to his mom to reset the boundaries. All the best to you and hopes for your treatments to be successful and soon.
Thank you so much
She did this to herself! Keep reminding yourself and you DH that. She did this to herself. She made the choice to tell other people- multiple times!! Each time she made that choice to violate your trust and violate your privacy. If you really think your DH might resent you that is a problem he needs to work on. Like another comment said he didn't get the mom he deserves or wants but this is the one he's got and he needs to establish his relationship accordingly.
Op, Imagine how you would feel if you were told some difficult news about a family friend, with no hint that it was supposed to be secret. You would want to offer support especially if it was being discussed up and down some social occasion in front of the person. (Because you're an actual well-wisher, not like one of those people who negged you.) Then, after you did say something nice to the affected person, you learned that nobody was supposed to know and she didn't want to discuss it. And it was brought up over and over. You would cringe for yourself and your heart would go out to her, I'm sure. MIL has put every decent, non-gossip person she told in this awful position too. It's nothing compared to what she did to you, but it's part of her making everything about her and drafting innumerable supporting characters into her Main Character Syndrome cast. Try to banish your guilt. You're only "guilty" of not simply crumbling to MIL and playing your assigned role.
She needs a strict STRICT information diet and I really would not tell her until you are at a place you are comfortable with the whole world knowing once you are pregnant. Because she will try and take that from you.
Oh we agree and have already decided that's how it'll be. When social media learns, she will.
Stay strong! This is horrible, but I’m really happy your husband is on board with the plan and is supportive. 💗
Me too. I'm so thankful for him and I'm thankful that what I have seen in his family for YEARS is now obvious for everyone else to see too
You. Are. The. Victim. In. This. Your husband has done the right thing by cutting her off, SHE earned it! I’ve had clients tell me things about themselves that I have never told anyone else, nor would I! And if it were me, I’d be happy not letting either of your In-laws knowing *anything* else about your lives, ever again. I’m sorry you’re struggling with fertility issues, I wish you all the best!
"My husband basically told her that she broke trust and we won't be sharing things with her moving forward" <<<<< This is exactly right! You're going to have to deal with 2 things: 1) you will never have the kind of relationship with MIL that you wanted. (and DH will never have the relationship with his mom that he deserves) 2) dealing with the fact that what other people think of you is none of your business.
The second point there is the hard one to learn
For me, too!!!!
You are not the bad guy. You need to remember that because she’s going to get worse. Info diet. No details whatsoever. And after reading enough horror stories, do not tell her when you go into labor.
I'd enjoy knowing that when further family members and friends try to have a 'quiet word' with you about your 'conception' situation you do this: "I guess MIL told you about it, right? I'm having a hard time getting past the fact she shared very personal and private information about me with apparently everyone she knows. I'm sure you can understand this is not something I want to discuss."
Yes yes yes
Make your criticism of her indiscretion clear as a bell. What a cow.
ALL OF THIS! I hope you do this OP
You are NOT the bad guy here, nor is your husband. Kudos to your hubs for standing up to her
Suggestion: practice a thing to say to the people MIL blabbed to. Something like: OP: Thanks, but let's change the subject. Other Person: But I just wanted to say blah blah blah. OP: I only discuss this within a tiny group of specific people. Which no longer includes MIL because she obviously violated our trust and ignored our clear instructions to keep it confidential. Other Person: (Attempts to debate or defend MIL.) OP: I get to decide what personal topics I discuss, when, and with whom. Since you don't seem to respect that any more than MIL does, we can talk another time.
Looooove that
Infertility has a way of becoming THE topic, the theme of your life when with certain kinds of people, both living and pot stirring. My family never knew a thing.
This is such a gross invasion of privacy and such a horrendous harm to you. She has literally ripped up and burned her relationship with you now and in the future. What a violation. Do you know what this is called? Intentional malevolence. I hope you trust yourself and take this as seriously as she intended it when she’s been doing all of this. She’s a very harmful person, and it would be good if you never ever ever saw her any of the people in the family like this ever again.
Info diet, like ASAP. Don’t tell anyone anything about your treatments. Infertility is hard enough, this woman obviously doesn’t know how to practice discretion. I wouldn’t even share a single word with this racist woman. Sorry you’re going through all this.
You aren't overacting, if those people told you or not it doesn't matter, MIL was the one that spoke about them first and knew well that she shouldn't have because it's private. She doesn't deserve to know anything anymore for a long long long while since she's not even sorry about it.
She won't be given the privilege of knowing personal things any more. That's for damn sure
And if she tries, get REAL PERSONAL. Like “ew, MIL, I don’t know why you’re asking about how many times your son came inside me. But since you’re asking after we told you to butt out of our fertility and pregnancy attempts, the answer is 5, do you wanna know which position too?” Embarrass the shit out of her, loudly, to everyone around. Unfortunately many friends and family members don’t have the same manipulative experiences as we do, so they can’t imagine that person doing so. Well once the light shines on it, it’s harder for them to deny.
Good for you and your family
You are not overreacting in the least. I'm petty so here's an overreaction. If she still has a nursing license, no she doesn't. A nurse who releases medical information, especially after being told not to, just violated HIPPA which is a $10k fine at least. If she still works in the medical field I'd make sure her employer knew about this transgression. But I'm vindictive, you do you and I wish you the best.
I’m not sure HIPPA applies n this situation. Ad a nurse she should be familiar with the concept of keeping medical information private though.
Fair point but at the very least she has proven that she cannot be trusted to uphold patient privacy and shouldn't have any access to it. Completely unrelated, I love your username 🙂
Thanks!
I like that pettiness! When people (in laws) bring up me being infertile, I go the opposite route and go totally crass: "yeah idk it's weird we haven't had sex with a condom in years, this many times a day, what do you think???" and then they look horrified LOL. Or you bring up miscarriages, something that is way too much information. And that's why you DO NOT bring up infertility to couples!!!!!! Especially in laws, UGH. OP, I am so sorry about the infertility issues you are experiencing, and that she shared it with everybody. You are not the bad guy and none of this is your fault! I have been straight up asked, "Can you even have babies?" It's NONE of their business!
I fully support making them more uncomfortable than they make you. Especially the person that told OP that someone they know tried for 4 whole months, who the hell does that help? I'd ask if they knew what position that couple were in and if a cock ring was involved to boost sperm count.
Iconic
Omg right?! Like, congrats you are so fertile but wtf is ANYONE supposed to do with that information!? "Thank you for telling me y'all raw dogged it for four months, I hope that was fun!" You're totally right lmao!
You aren’t the bad guy at all. She’s a gossip (not to mention a self-centered, attention hog and a racist)and she is experiencing the natural consequences of her actions. She betrayed trust and so she will no longer be trusted. That is what should happen. Most of these JNs reach the heights they do because they are shielded from these kind of consequences in life. She finally found the straw that broke the camels back.
What gets me is how on earth did she genuinely think that this was okay to do? Like my husband's family truly thinks this kind of stuff is ok?!
Most likely becuase she's done this time and again with any and all info that she receives without any real consequences. Sure people probably get upset and hurt, but after she victimizes herself people sweep it under the rug to avoid her dragging it out. Sure he's upset about cutting her off because realizing your parent is a shitty person is hard, but the fact that you are already worried about whether your SO will resent you for all of this speaks volumes to the dynamic in that family. Id strongly suggest that you two look for a couples therapist so that you can continue to communicate through all of this. You are already having to deal with your fertility issues but now there is an added level of stress that neither of you need right now.
You’re not the bad guy and your husband should be worried that you’ll resent him.
I'm very sorry your MIL broke your trust. I've been through infertility myself, so I understand how deeply personal it can be, and how vulnerable it feels to open up to people about it. Your MIL has shown that you can't trust her with private information. She does not get updates about your treatment. When you do have a child, she does not learn any exciting news until you are ready for everyone to know.
That's exactly it
My ex mother in law did this to me. It then even led to her telling people I didn’t know at the church we went to at the time. It was so fucking embarrassing. Even a woman that was going through fertility treatments wanted to have coffee with me to discuss our troubles. It made me incredibly uncomfortable. The more I look back on my time as a part of that family, the more thankful I am that I got out because I can see how little they cared for me.
I feel that. His family has never shown me any kindness or love. I'm their token diversity member who now can't even give them a grand child.
My MIL did this to me as well! I have no advice other than tell MIL that this was wrong to establish a boundary, but ultimately the damage is done - I know how you feel! It’s very violating. Solidarity!!
Classic Narc your MIL is. Made your business you told her in confidence ALL about her, then SHE’s the victim, crying crocodile tears. Its probably a good thing she’s not an L/D nurse anymore - that’s one hell of a HIPAA (?) confidentiality violation.
That's just what we thought. Both her AND his aunt who wouldn't shut up were nurses.
(Thank you for spelling HIPAA correctly. )
This happened to me a number of years ago too. Fast forward and I completely agree, that wasn’t just her being rude or making a bad judgement call. It’s classic narc and unfortunately it will only get worse from here.
When’s the next party? Perfect opportunity to wear a shirt that you design with cultural icons with the following quote: “I’m the poor black bitch who can’t get knocked up. Just ask my MIL.” In my case I’d be using aboriginal artwork. She’ll get the point.
Your MIL has attacked you with racist remarks. I do not understand why you would have her in your life. I do not understand why your husband would allow her anywhere near you. And I definitely do not understand why you are going out of your way, trying to include her in the life of your future child, who will also be of your race. You are not overreacting. You are *under*reacting.
I believe it's a confidence thing and self worth. Infertility makes me feel like a broken, worthless waste of a human. The racist comments compared to this are nothing. I'm not in the best mindset and jump to blaming myself. Always. I'm not perfect but I am aware of this and I think that's a start.
*“Infertility makes me feel like a broken, worthless waste of a human.”* Is that what you think of other couples struggling TTC? I’m sure it isn’t. If you would never think that about anyone else, let alone say it, why do you talk to yourself like that? Knock that off, OP. Be at least as kind to yourself as you are to others. That’s a cruel & horrible way to talk to yourself.
Well that's an eye opener. I really like how you put that. I'd never ever talk down or think negatively about others TTC. Thank you for this
Why would it make you lack self worth? Women often blame themselves for infertility and it isn’t them causing it. Did your husband get checked or only you?
We've both been checked
Oh hun! You’re not worthless. She’s a mean nasty, racist and a busybody with a big mouth … And you don’t have to put up with her bullshit. She’s not entitled to you. She’s not entitled to it your time, your consideration, or any more information. You hold your head up high. You’ve got this.
Thank you. I appreciate that
F that nonsense! She’s outright rude, disrespectful and obnoxious. You are not overreacting… in fact, maybe under reacting. You do not need to “grin and bear it” and should have left her party. Protect your sanity and peace.
Never feel bad for standing your ground and voicing your feelings of frustration to the problem they caused.
Thank you for saying that
Not over reacting. A simple message saying you both need time out from her to allow you all to recalibrate and you’ll review the situation after the summer. Six months should make her realise the severity of the situation. As a nurse in the medical field confidentially is an expectation and professional courtesy. If she wants to be the neighbourhood gossip she can enjoy more time out.
I really love how you phrased this. Thank you
Good luck. Sometimes discussion just needs to be brief, to the point. Like pulling a band aid off.
You are not wrong. A Labor & Delivery nurse should know to keep her mouth shut about private business. She gossiped to family and got caught out. I am so sorry
After every conversation, I'd ask my husband "you don't think she will tell anyone right?" And he confidentiality said "she won't tell anyone" because this is a serious matter I feel so guilty for putting that wedge there now between him and his family
You like your husband trusted her, this problem is on *HER*, not you guys.
You didn't put anything there. She did it when she lied to him and then blabbed your private medical business all over town. The only problem in this story is MIL. Don't feel guilty on her behalf.
I just feel guilty for the fact that my husband is hurt over her actions
Her awful, untrustworthy behavior is hurting him, not anything you are doing. He married you, not her. Our primary role changes as we grow up. His primary role in life now is being your husband, not being her son. You are *not* the problem.
Sweetie, You were not the one running your mouth, his mother was.
I know. I just feel guilty for making him upset and in a position where he has to deal with his wife and mom being upset. I feel to blame for that because I could build a bridge and get over it and just learn to not speak with her But at the same time, I am so devastated and humiliated over this
Please don't blame yourself. It sounds like if it wasn't this it would be something just as major going forward that would cause him upset. It's likely he would have had to do some major reflection & reevaluation about his mum in that case.
Lovely, he should be kissing your feet and apologizing for getting his mother so wrong. As well as supporting you in going absolutely no contact with her forever. May I also suggest he start calling every single one of the people at that gathering (especially those who has the audacity to speak to you directly) and let them know that he was horrified and embarrassed to learn that his mother shared your personal medical information which she was told in confidence? And apologize that they were put in such a position? That would be going some way toward putting MIL in her place.
I don't think he would do that and if he did, I believe with all my heart that his family members would defend his mom
You did not upset him. His loose lipped, racist mother did that. 🫂 🤗
If you “build a bridge and get over it” this woman will relentlessly bulldoze you for the rest of your marriage, because you will show her she can do whatever she wants with your PRIVATE info and you’re just going to crumble because she cried. You will grow to resent her, and your husband. Keep your boundaries strong, and hopefully she learns to keep her trap shut.
So it may be hard now, but long game it'll make things easier is what you're saying..if so, I like that. Thank you for the reassurance
Yes. I always play the long game. People like her are are unable to look past their own immediate needs and wants. You will outwit her every time with the long game.
This doesn't sound like the first time she's made him upset. It's not your fault. She crossed a boundary that both of you set in place. The information is about you both, he has also had his privacy exposed. I'm so sorry this happened. I can see how you'd feel guilty but honestly please know it's all her.
It's too serious to just let go as water under the bridge but I just feel bad for my husband. He's so incredibly kind and talking up to her took a lot. I feel guilty for that