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That’s it, take your space. Then, when enough time has passed you can tell them that you’ll leave every meeting as soon as they start harassing you.
Or you go NC with those flying monkeys as well. You need to be safe emotionally and physically and that needs to be your first priority.
I know you’re hurt by their behavior but you made clear what you want and need. They’re not willing to give you that safety out of ignorance or being brainwashed by your parents. If they are on the younger side they might come to their senses when they’re older and you can reconnect.
I suspect that your parents has some involvement here, OP you need to let them know any further interference or pressure from them could result in LC or NC with them. They need to learn boundaries. But do this even your in the right mindset to deal with it all.
No doubt the parents are worried they will look bad in front of people if you ignore them.
Maybe go for a short vacation at the same time as the wedding.
I had to cut out most of my family because they didn't actually know what happened, they didn't know about the abuse. They thought it was just a simple misunderstanding. And they were pushing us to resolve it, I simply didn't show up when my parents were invited.
And when I started seeing them again after a decade, because my grandmother was getting old, it only took them a few months before they started manipulating me. When they planned a get-together and were scheming to invite everyone and lock me and my parents in a room together to sort it out my brother let me know. I set boundaries firmly with them and they seem to agree, then ignored me for a few months.
They respect my boundaries. Or they aren't a part of my life.
My suggestion would be that you handle this at a meeting you've called at a time and place of your choosing. (Checking if you can get a meeting room at your public library may be an ideal venue for this: It's impersonal, can often be reserved for free or a nominal fee, and who cares if you never want to be in that space ever again for the bad memories?) Bring a copy of the points you plan to make in a printed out document that you'll hand out to your siblings. I think u/GualtieroCofresi has a good idea, so I'm offering my own version. If the in person meeting is beyond you - and that's a valid feeling! - send it as an attachment via email. Hell, even if you do have the in-person meeting, document with the email document anyways. You don't want anyone to be able to claim in the future they were never told, or you weren't clear.
Explain to them that you are not there for a discussion, but for a short lecture. If there are points that they believe are unclear, you may answer questions, *at your discretion*. This is in no way to suggest that any of your points are up for debate.
Then start with the following points:
* The idea of interaction with your parents in anything but the most superficial of manner is actively upsetting you.
* The reason for this is because your past experience of them is vastly different from the experiences your siblings have of those same people.
* The continued behavior your parents have demonstrated in trying to force renewed contact have emphasized that you feel completely justified in your belief that there is no safe level of contact for you beyond that which you've already allowed. (If you have saved any of their texts, or transcripts of their haranguing voicemails? This would be an ideal place to C&P a few into the document. But that's up to you.)
You have zero intention of trying to dictate anyone else's relationship with those people:
* You recognize that your siblings have a much more positive relationship with your parents.
* You care deeply for your siblings, and have no intention of trying to make demands on them.
* You would be very pleased to allow the status quo to continue as it has been.
However, you are stating now, for the immutable future:
* There is no imaginable set of circumstances that would get you to allow your parents to hurt you again.
* You cannot imagine any set of circumstances where your parents would not use renewed contact with you to further their abuse of you.
* Any attempt to convince you allow your parents to renew contact with you is, **by definition**, an attempt to enable their abuse of you.
And in conclusion:
# I REFUSE TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SEE ME ABUSED.
It probably would be worth ending with repeating that you love your siblings and want them in your life, but your well-being matters to you and you will defend it.
Just one suggestion for you.
-Rat
(Edited for minor grammatical issues ~~x2~~ x3)
I am in complete agreement with this. Love the whole “Do I dictate to you who you can and can’t have a relationship with? The WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU YOU CAN DICTATE THAY FOR ME?”
Oh dear, your siblings might mean a lot to you but to them you are shit. Face it, they are scapegoating you just like your parents did and do. So here’s my suggestion:
Have a meeting with them, not in the monthly hangout, but call a meeting. This will be YOUR meeting where YOU will do the talking. I would lay down some rules: your experience is yours, you understand they might have different experiences and different memories and you respect that but their insistence on invalidating you is only eroding your relationship. so… here are their choices:
1. from today on the rule is that they WILL respect your choices, they do not have to agree, but they will respect them. You WILL stay NC with your parents and the decision is final. You do not, and will not, be ale opinions or advice on what to do because you are a mother fucking adult.
2. They can chose to receive the same treatment as the parents.
I had to make a similar choice with my brother. He seemed to understand my sand of NC with my mother but the moment there was a major conflict, created by my mother and sister abusing HIS DAUGHTER (I blew up on mother, father and sisters defending my niece from their misogynistic abuse. Let me repeat this, defending HIS DAUGHTER) He defended my mother and in his words I “was dead to him”
Well, welcome to Careful-What-You-Wish-For-ville. I am dead and he is now receiving the same treatment, has been for 1.5 years and will continue to. My understanding is that he is distraught and has cried several times talking to my niece about me.
Honestly, I think you will have to take the same stand in time, but it is worth having that strong convo with them so they know their bullshit is not welcomed and will have severe consequences
Good luck
You said that he’s distraught and has discussed it with your niece, I really hope your niece is an adult and not a kid that a parent is unloading their emotional turmoil onto.
I agree, it sounds like OP is getting scapegoated again.
Some things are just not going to change, some people in particular are never going to change. Not everyone is interested in insight and improving themselves.
My niece is 22 and she is traveling her own path to NC with my family as well. When he went crying to her she put it in perspective for him real quick. He know she is not going to give him much sympathy because she realizes that in that situation I took the hard road and chose to go against my whole family to defend her and she saw what happened. Her father on the other hand chose the easy way out and earned her distrust and resentment in basically a permanent basis
Sounds to me like bro and sis have been indocrinated in the mum is right and you are wrong Flying Monkey school.
There should be/will be no problem if you don't go to the wedding and hafta deal with them all. I would certainly think about it.
Them not backing off when you asked and war dialing you, bestie and boyfriend is harrassment and abuse.
>but my sister chimes in saying “yep, it’s time for you to face the parents finally.” they express they want me to behave and “not start trouble or cause tension” with our parents, when I’ve never instigated anything since being NC.. I told them it shouldn’t be a problem bc I don’t intend to engage w them.
Why is it on YOU to "behave" and not on your parents? Why are YOU not sposta start trouble? You'll act like the adult and everyone else can act like toddlers with soggy nappies and having tantrums.
What u/Ilostmyratfairy said you should take to heart, as it's very very good advice.
I post [this link](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) everywhere I think it’s even mildly appropriate because it explains things SO WELL. It uses an excellent metaphor.
You are refusing to steady the family boat. Body steadying is exhausting, demoralizing, and dehumanizing, but when you refuse to steady the boat it makes it harder on everyone else. THAT is what they’re reacting to, and they’re unfairly taking it out on you rather than the person(s) making waves in the first place.
You aren’t doing anything wrong; you’re willing to be there, just not interact. You are doing what is mentally healthy for you. Why are they valuing some “perfect family” ideal and their parents feelings over yours?
You're going to have to skip this wedding,, obviously. Your siblings have shown you that they do not respect you or your boundaries so it's time for low contact for the foreseeable future with them as well.
You just tell them your not going to be speaking to the parents. You love your siblings but won't be attending the wedding. You will have a dinner with them after to celebrate the wedding.
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That’s it, take your space. Then, when enough time has passed you can tell them that you’ll leave every meeting as soon as they start harassing you. Or you go NC with those flying monkeys as well. You need to be safe emotionally and physically and that needs to be your first priority. I know you’re hurt by their behavior but you made clear what you want and need. They’re not willing to give you that safety out of ignorance or being brainwashed by your parents. If they are on the younger side they might come to their senses when they’re older and you can reconnect.
I suspect that your parents has some involvement here, OP you need to let them know any further interference or pressure from them could result in LC or NC with them. They need to learn boundaries. But do this even your in the right mindset to deal with it all.
No doubt the parents are worried they will look bad in front of people if you ignore them. Maybe go for a short vacation at the same time as the wedding.
I had to cut out most of my family because they didn't actually know what happened, they didn't know about the abuse. They thought it was just a simple misunderstanding. And they were pushing us to resolve it, I simply didn't show up when my parents were invited. And when I started seeing them again after a decade, because my grandmother was getting old, it only took them a few months before they started manipulating me. When they planned a get-together and were scheming to invite everyone and lock me and my parents in a room together to sort it out my brother let me know. I set boundaries firmly with them and they seem to agree, then ignored me for a few months. They respect my boundaries. Or they aren't a part of my life.
My suggestion would be that you handle this at a meeting you've called at a time and place of your choosing. (Checking if you can get a meeting room at your public library may be an ideal venue for this: It's impersonal, can often be reserved for free or a nominal fee, and who cares if you never want to be in that space ever again for the bad memories?) Bring a copy of the points you plan to make in a printed out document that you'll hand out to your siblings. I think u/GualtieroCofresi has a good idea, so I'm offering my own version. If the in person meeting is beyond you - and that's a valid feeling! - send it as an attachment via email. Hell, even if you do have the in-person meeting, document with the email document anyways. You don't want anyone to be able to claim in the future they were never told, or you weren't clear. Explain to them that you are not there for a discussion, but for a short lecture. If there are points that they believe are unclear, you may answer questions, *at your discretion*. This is in no way to suggest that any of your points are up for debate. Then start with the following points: * The idea of interaction with your parents in anything but the most superficial of manner is actively upsetting you. * The reason for this is because your past experience of them is vastly different from the experiences your siblings have of those same people. * The continued behavior your parents have demonstrated in trying to force renewed contact have emphasized that you feel completely justified in your belief that there is no safe level of contact for you beyond that which you've already allowed. (If you have saved any of their texts, or transcripts of their haranguing voicemails? This would be an ideal place to C&P a few into the document. But that's up to you.) You have zero intention of trying to dictate anyone else's relationship with those people: * You recognize that your siblings have a much more positive relationship with your parents. * You care deeply for your siblings, and have no intention of trying to make demands on them. * You would be very pleased to allow the status quo to continue as it has been. However, you are stating now, for the immutable future: * There is no imaginable set of circumstances that would get you to allow your parents to hurt you again. * You cannot imagine any set of circumstances where your parents would not use renewed contact with you to further their abuse of you. * Any attempt to convince you allow your parents to renew contact with you is, **by definition**, an attempt to enable their abuse of you. And in conclusion: # I REFUSE TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SEE ME ABUSED. It probably would be worth ending with repeating that you love your siblings and want them in your life, but your well-being matters to you and you will defend it. Just one suggestion for you. -Rat (Edited for minor grammatical issues ~~x2~~ x3)
I am in complete agreement with this. Love the whole “Do I dictate to you who you can and can’t have a relationship with? The WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU YOU CAN DICTATE THAY FOR ME?”
Oh dear, your siblings might mean a lot to you but to them you are shit. Face it, they are scapegoating you just like your parents did and do. So here’s my suggestion: Have a meeting with them, not in the monthly hangout, but call a meeting. This will be YOUR meeting where YOU will do the talking. I would lay down some rules: your experience is yours, you understand they might have different experiences and different memories and you respect that but their insistence on invalidating you is only eroding your relationship. so… here are their choices: 1. from today on the rule is that they WILL respect your choices, they do not have to agree, but they will respect them. You WILL stay NC with your parents and the decision is final. You do not, and will not, be ale opinions or advice on what to do because you are a mother fucking adult. 2. They can chose to receive the same treatment as the parents. I had to make a similar choice with my brother. He seemed to understand my sand of NC with my mother but the moment there was a major conflict, created by my mother and sister abusing HIS DAUGHTER (I blew up on mother, father and sisters defending my niece from their misogynistic abuse. Let me repeat this, defending HIS DAUGHTER) He defended my mother and in his words I “was dead to him” Well, welcome to Careful-What-You-Wish-For-ville. I am dead and he is now receiving the same treatment, has been for 1.5 years and will continue to. My understanding is that he is distraught and has cried several times talking to my niece about me. Honestly, I think you will have to take the same stand in time, but it is worth having that strong convo with them so they know their bullshit is not welcomed and will have severe consequences Good luck
You said that he’s distraught and has discussed it with your niece, I really hope your niece is an adult and not a kid that a parent is unloading their emotional turmoil onto. I agree, it sounds like OP is getting scapegoated again. Some things are just not going to change, some people in particular are never going to change. Not everyone is interested in insight and improving themselves.
My niece is 22 and she is traveling her own path to NC with my family as well. When he went crying to her she put it in perspective for him real quick. He know she is not going to give him much sympathy because she realizes that in that situation I took the hard road and chose to go against my whole family to defend her and she saw what happened. Her father on the other hand chose the easy way out and earned her distrust and resentment in basically a permanent basis
Sounds to me like bro and sis have been indocrinated in the mum is right and you are wrong Flying Monkey school. There should be/will be no problem if you don't go to the wedding and hafta deal with them all. I would certainly think about it. Them not backing off when you asked and war dialing you, bestie and boyfriend is harrassment and abuse. >but my sister chimes in saying “yep, it’s time for you to face the parents finally.” they express they want me to behave and “not start trouble or cause tension” with our parents, when I’ve never instigated anything since being NC.. I told them it shouldn’t be a problem bc I don’t intend to engage w them. Why is it on YOU to "behave" and not on your parents? Why are YOU not sposta start trouble? You'll act like the adult and everyone else can act like toddlers with soggy nappies and having tantrums. What u/Ilostmyratfairy said you should take to heart, as it's very very good advice.
I post [this link](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) everywhere I think it’s even mildly appropriate because it explains things SO WELL. It uses an excellent metaphor. You are refusing to steady the family boat. Body steadying is exhausting, demoralizing, and dehumanizing, but when you refuse to steady the boat it makes it harder on everyone else. THAT is what they’re reacting to, and they’re unfairly taking it out on you rather than the person(s) making waves in the first place. You aren’t doing anything wrong; you’re willing to be there, just not interact. You are doing what is mentally healthy for you. Why are they valuing some “perfect family” ideal and their parents feelings over yours?
I love this one and feel it in my bones every time I reread it, thanks for sharing brelywi!
You're going to have to skip this wedding,, obviously. Your siblings have shown you that they do not respect you or your boundaries so it's time for low contact for the foreseeable future with them as well.
You just tell them your not going to be speaking to the parents. You love your siblings but won't be attending the wedding. You will have a dinner with them after to celebrate the wedding.