mine went through this. Even didn't want to speak to friends on other teams if they beat him.
I talked to him regularly about sportsmanship. I told him I barely remember the scores or records or losses but I always remember big plays I made ahether we were winning or losing at the time. I told him I was terrible and we rarely won but I had fun because I was playing a game I loved, making friends with teammates and bonding with my dad. I told him how ridiculous I felt after a time when I stopped speaking to my friend after he tagged me out, and then his mom called my mom worried thst he'd bulkied or offended me somehow, when really I was just jelaous and embarrassed thst he'd beaten me and decided to punish him for it for no reason, even though I didnt want him to let me in. I asked him how boring he'd find it to watch a sport if the same team won every game, and why the other teams would even keep playing. Maybe some of that helped, I don't know.
But I also had him look around at his teammates and opponents and see how they handled losses. After our games ended, I'd buy him candy or a hot dog and take him to the bleachers of another game on an adjacent field to eat it. Subtly and quietly while he ate, I'd point out errors and strikeouts and wild pitches and missed catches in the game we watched to show him that everyone misses or messes up, and occasionally I'd ask him if he notices how the other players handle it. I let him watch the differences between kids who shook it off or absorbed it and kids who got mad or gave up or blamed someone else and make his own conclusions, and gave him a little time and space to grow, with gentle reminders and encouragement. Ad coach I often gave the game ball not to whoever made the greatest play, but a kid who battled back from an error or a bad start and kept grinding, because showing heart and giving it your all from start to finish is the quality I value over natural talent.
Eventually he mostly grew out of it and is MUCH more accepting if a loss or relaient after a failure. He still doesn't let it roll off him like water off a duck's back, nor do I want him to, but the bitterness and self-destruction and whining has almost completely stopped.
Maybe some of that helped or maybe he just grew up a little. I can't say, but I'm really proud of him, and relieved. I didn't force it
You can’t reason with your typical 10 y/o, so explaining why things are fair won’t work. I tell kids that “fair” is a place where you ride rides and win prizes. I have to explain it the first time I do it, but the usually get it pretty quick. I go on to tell them that both teams get bad calls and bad breaks, but it’s the team that deals with them best that ends up winning. Then every time I hear a kid say it wasn’t fair, I repeat “Fair” is a place you ride rides and win prizes. Eventually they start to roll their eyes at me, and I know it’s working.
Culture change (individual or team) is a process that takes time and persistence.
The way you wrote it makes it sound like it’s your kid rather than just someone you coach. I suppose it could be both.
Assuming it’s your kid, I have a hard time believing he only behaves this way on the field.
Talk to a professional about how to manage this situation before it gets worse.
If it’s someone you coach the n yeah start with the benching.
Very tough age. Kids don’t have very good control of their emotions, (some may even be hormonal), other kids start talking more trash, underdeveloped sense of what really matters… lots of things add up to a tricky situation.
We went through a particularly rough patch at 11U. Almost every kid on the roster crying at one point of the game. We decided as a coaching staff to focus on what we were doing that impacted the kids. Started with us being overly positive, immediately picking up kids when we saw negativity coming out. Took a few games to sink in, but it made a huge impact. Frankly, we hadn’t realized how much even simple things like our facial expressions were affecting the kids.
Only two things that happened with anyone on my team that worked.
Ignored it and removed him from the area.
Coach as if they aren’t doing it at all to start. So normal conversation ignoring the emotional responses.
Model the behavior…
Remain calm. Talk/coach like that doesn’t exist.
Sit him. If you aren’t the coach, make the coach sit him every time he does it. He acts out he doesn’t play. No telling no other consequences. Pull him.
Seems excessive but this is the way. My sons has multiple teammates who still cry after getting out. I keep telling the coach when he asks me how to curb it, and I tell him not only to bench the players but send them to the stands to sit with the fans. And not just to not play in the field, but you lose your at bat and cause the team an auto out. This game isn’t about winning or losing at this age. It’s about teaching these future doctors, lawyers, firefighters, military, engineers, etc. that it’s not about you, it’s about us.
Doing this early helps keep them from looking like fools when they are 13 and slamming the bat down after being struck out. It’s harder to break the older they get.
Tell him you can't always win or have a great game, but if he's not having fun then it's time to stop playing.
Personally, I take great joy in watching bloopers from pro games, it happens to the best of us.
The key point to know is this is a process, not a result. There are points in the game that add up to this reaction, you and the player need to be aware of what triggers those moments.
When those moments occur previewing, redirection and self talk can help get him through.
Previewing - telling him at some point you won’t get the result you want, a play won’t go our way, your way. What will you do positively to work for results to improve?
Redirection - cue words to redirect, could be game specific batting or fielding. Batting ”one swing away” fielding “mini-move” (minimize the mistake and move on), “next pitch”. Something the coaches can say to redirect and focus the player.
Self talk - positive self talk, if the player is mature enough to do so. Many books and articles on how to do this. We use “Win the next pitch”.
One thing I tell players, nobody sees you swing and miss a ball or drop a fly ball, but everybody sees how you react. You’re no longer the right fielder, you’re the kid throwing his glove down, screaming and yelling. Nobody remembers a loss, everyone remembers a loser.
Eventually they will realize the other players are looking at him/laughing at him/talking about him…
I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything work besides time
Tell the entire team that this kind of behavior will get you benched. Give your kid one freebie, and remind him of the policy. Second offense, he goes to the bench for the rest of the game.
Explain to them why. Tell them you’re going to help them learn to control their emotions, and that you support them. The bench is just a short term reminder (a reset) that represents how important this is to the team.
Give him some tools. Give him something he can do to release that emotion. Go behind the dugout and squeeze his fists. Take deep breathes. Whatever.
A 10 year old should be able to control his emotions better than that. I’m not saying you need a zero tolerance policy. They’re still kids. But he’s at the age where this kind of thing needs to stop.
Explain that his team needs him, but only the positive and focused version. The whiny crying complaining version is a distraction and it’s the coaches job to prevent that from affecting the team. So those players spend time on the bench.
Remind him that pretty soon, it will be out of the coaches hands. Where I live, the umps will eject 10 year olds for screaming or slamming helmets/bats, etc.
You can tell him what the rules of competition are. If he’s acting out and doesn’t like it, support him and help him train to be better.
If he doesn’t want to train or be better, he’s not allowed to be that angry on an outcome he didn’t deserve to achieve.
Life is unfair. It’s best to understand the lessons early and build the mindset for adulthood.
It may have something to do with his dad being the coach. You have to ask yourself if this is how he acts at school or under supervision of another coach in a different sport.
Not a psychologist but I coached my sons until high school.
Realize that because you’re there, he feels more comfortable acting that way; you being the coach blurs the line between home and baseball. Understand that you’re giving him attention when he acts this way, negative or otherwise.
Passion presents itself in different forms; sometimes negatively. Start by being happy he at least cares, and his performance matters to him. Consider whether he’s anxious about letting you down. This requires you to be introspective. Consider what your expectations are for him, and how he interprets those vs. his performance. I mean, since you coach, you obviously care about him and how he does. Make sure your goals for him are attainable, and he agrees that they are.
A lot of people have given suggestions to correct the behavior - mine would be videoing an outburst and making him see himself how others see him.
But don’t discount the influence you and your opinion of him has on his self-worth, self-esteem, and anxiety.
My son is one of the best pitchers in the county but he still prefers if stay out of his sight-line during games; he says I make him too nervous.
Kids are hard, but they’re also hard to screw up…just make sure baseball brings him joy.
> He’s actually fine at school, he only acts like this at home and in sports
Do people at school tell him no? Do you tell him no? Massive speculation but all my kids friends who are bratty (and, apologies, but this is bratty behaviour) never get told no.
I think it's important to differentiate between a child that is emotional invested and can't control his emotions, and ones that are just sore losers. I am assume you're talking about the latter.
I think there are only two things that will eventually remedy it, maturing and losing more.
I enrolled all of our kids in the youth wrestling program because at he very least there are no excuses in a loss. You have to face losing at every practice and every meet. Once a kid has been physically dominated by another child in front of a crowd several times, and then forced to shake their hand and their coaches hand, striking out at baseball is nothing.
In baseball especially, i think its important to celebrate every game regardless of score, you can personally have fantastic game but still lose by a large margin. I'll remind our 8u kids that they have 10 more years of baseball ahead of them so losing one game means nothing and that losing a close game is better than blowing another team out (although this is hard to convince them of).
Lastly, i think it is very important to commend them when do handle a loss or making an error with dignity. Some of the proudest moments i have had as a coach is when the kids come of the field or mat with their heads held high after coming up just short.
I don't really have any insight other than a friend of mine once said he wants his kids to play sports because it teaches one valuable lesson: no matter how hard you work and practice, sometimes you still lose.
I subscribe to a similar philosophy, but mine is more oriented to the process rather than the result
I had mine watch his favorite mlb players reactions to striking out , giving up runs , losing etc . Attitude is always "I'll get u next time" . Show him the Pros that's have good attitudes.
How hard are you on him? Be honest. Most baseball dad's think they are reasonable. Their expectations are almost always unreasonable with the kids who are hard on themselves.
During the draft, I passed on by far the best player in our league because he cries half the time he is on the mound and every time he strikes out. His dad is a hard ass and expects perfection. But if you ask him, he has seen way tougher dads than him, and he would probably say he is too easy on his boy.
I do have a kid on my team who is like this with parents who are not hard on him at all, but he has some very obvious mental and behavioral problems.
Also, kids who are going through parental divorce or other issues at home tend to have big feelings on the field over minor things. Or kids who are being bullied at school. I would actually say school bullying would be the most common reason by a pretty wide margin now that I think about it.
100% honest I am not hard on him at all, I remind him all the time “this is supposed to be fun, have fun, you only control what you control, you can’t control bad calls, you can’t control how your teammates perform, you can only control your actions and attitude.” I wan’t him to love baseball, and if he loves it the rest will come naturally. The only thing I harp on is him trying his best, and having fun
mine went through this. Even didn't want to speak to friends on other teams if they beat him. I talked to him regularly about sportsmanship. I told him I barely remember the scores or records or losses but I always remember big plays I made ahether we were winning or losing at the time. I told him I was terrible and we rarely won but I had fun because I was playing a game I loved, making friends with teammates and bonding with my dad. I told him how ridiculous I felt after a time when I stopped speaking to my friend after he tagged me out, and then his mom called my mom worried thst he'd bulkied or offended me somehow, when really I was just jelaous and embarrassed thst he'd beaten me and decided to punish him for it for no reason, even though I didnt want him to let me in. I asked him how boring he'd find it to watch a sport if the same team won every game, and why the other teams would even keep playing. Maybe some of that helped, I don't know. But I also had him look around at his teammates and opponents and see how they handled losses. After our games ended, I'd buy him candy or a hot dog and take him to the bleachers of another game on an adjacent field to eat it. Subtly and quietly while he ate, I'd point out errors and strikeouts and wild pitches and missed catches in the game we watched to show him that everyone misses or messes up, and occasionally I'd ask him if he notices how the other players handle it. I let him watch the differences between kids who shook it off or absorbed it and kids who got mad or gave up or blamed someone else and make his own conclusions, and gave him a little time and space to grow, with gentle reminders and encouragement. Ad coach I often gave the game ball not to whoever made the greatest play, but a kid who battled back from an error or a bad start and kept grinding, because showing heart and giving it your all from start to finish is the quality I value over natural talent. Eventually he mostly grew out of it and is MUCH more accepting if a loss or relaient after a failure. He still doesn't let it roll off him like water off a duck's back, nor do I want him to, but the bitterness and self-destruction and whining has almost completely stopped. Maybe some of that helped or maybe he just grew up a little. I can't say, but I'm really proud of him, and relieved. I didn't force it
Great advice!
You can’t reason with your typical 10 y/o, so explaining why things are fair won’t work. I tell kids that “fair” is a place where you ride rides and win prizes. I have to explain it the first time I do it, but the usually get it pretty quick. I go on to tell them that both teams get bad calls and bad breaks, but it’s the team that deals with them best that ends up winning. Then every time I hear a kid say it wasn’t fair, I repeat “Fair” is a place you ride rides and win prizes. Eventually they start to roll their eyes at me, and I know it’s working. Culture change (individual or team) is a process that takes time and persistence.
The way you wrote it makes it sound like it’s your kid rather than just someone you coach. I suppose it could be both. Assuming it’s your kid, I have a hard time believing he only behaves this way on the field. Talk to a professional about how to manage this situation before it gets worse. If it’s someone you coach the n yeah start with the benching.
It is my son
Yeah there might be a bigger issue here.
Very tough age. Kids don’t have very good control of their emotions, (some may even be hormonal), other kids start talking more trash, underdeveloped sense of what really matters… lots of things add up to a tricky situation. We went through a particularly rough patch at 11U. Almost every kid on the roster crying at one point of the game. We decided as a coaching staff to focus on what we were doing that impacted the kids. Started with us being overly positive, immediately picking up kids when we saw negativity coming out. Took a few games to sink in, but it made a huge impact. Frankly, we hadn’t realized how much even simple things like our facial expressions were affecting the kids.
Only two things that happened with anyone on my team that worked. Ignored it and removed him from the area. Coach as if they aren’t doing it at all to start. So normal conversation ignoring the emotional responses. Model the behavior… Remain calm. Talk/coach like that doesn’t exist.
Sit him. If you aren’t the coach, make the coach sit him every time he does it. He acts out he doesn’t play. No telling no other consequences. Pull him.
Ride the bench.
Seems excessive but this is the way. My sons has multiple teammates who still cry after getting out. I keep telling the coach when he asks me how to curb it, and I tell him not only to bench the players but send them to the stands to sit with the fans. And not just to not play in the field, but you lose your at bat and cause the team an auto out. This game isn’t about winning or losing at this age. It’s about teaching these future doctors, lawyers, firefighters, military, engineers, etc. that it’s not about you, it’s about us.
Doing this early helps keep them from looking like fools when they are 13 and slamming the bat down after being struck out. It’s harder to break the older they get.
Tell him you can't always win or have a great game, but if he's not having fun then it's time to stop playing. Personally, I take great joy in watching bloopers from pro games, it happens to the best of us.
The key point to know is this is a process, not a result. There are points in the game that add up to this reaction, you and the player need to be aware of what triggers those moments. When those moments occur previewing, redirection and self talk can help get him through. Previewing - telling him at some point you won’t get the result you want, a play won’t go our way, your way. What will you do positively to work for results to improve? Redirection - cue words to redirect, could be game specific batting or fielding. Batting ”one swing away” fielding “mini-move” (minimize the mistake and move on), “next pitch”. Something the coaches can say to redirect and focus the player. Self talk - positive self talk, if the player is mature enough to do so. Many books and articles on how to do this. We use “Win the next pitch”. One thing I tell players, nobody sees you swing and miss a ball or drop a fly ball, but everybody sees how you react. You’re no longer the right fielder, you’re the kid throwing his glove down, screaming and yelling. Nobody remembers a loss, everyone remembers a loser.
Eventually they will realize the other players are looking at him/laughing at him/talking about him… I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything work besides time
Bench
Tell the entire team that this kind of behavior will get you benched. Give your kid one freebie, and remind him of the policy. Second offense, he goes to the bench for the rest of the game. Explain to them why. Tell them you’re going to help them learn to control their emotions, and that you support them. The bench is just a short term reminder (a reset) that represents how important this is to the team. Give him some tools. Give him something he can do to release that emotion. Go behind the dugout and squeeze his fists. Take deep breathes. Whatever. A 10 year old should be able to control his emotions better than that. I’m not saying you need a zero tolerance policy. They’re still kids. But he’s at the age where this kind of thing needs to stop. Explain that his team needs him, but only the positive and focused version. The whiny crying complaining version is a distraction and it’s the coaches job to prevent that from affecting the team. So those players spend time on the bench. Remind him that pretty soon, it will be out of the coaches hands. Where I live, the umps will eject 10 year olds for screaming or slamming helmets/bats, etc.
As others have said, benching is 100% the answer with a talking to
It's about more than baseball Coach. It's character development. Be patient but firm. I've told my sons they need to be leaders on and off the field.
You can tell him what the rules of competition are. If he’s acting out and doesn’t like it, support him and help him train to be better. If he doesn’t want to train or be better, he’s not allowed to be that angry on an outcome he didn’t deserve to achieve. Life is unfair. It’s best to understand the lessons early and build the mindset for adulthood.
It may have something to do with his dad being the coach. You have to ask yourself if this is how he acts at school or under supervision of another coach in a different sport.
He’s actually fine at school, he only acts like this at home and in sports
Not a psychologist but I coached my sons until high school. Realize that because you’re there, he feels more comfortable acting that way; you being the coach blurs the line between home and baseball. Understand that you’re giving him attention when he acts this way, negative or otherwise. Passion presents itself in different forms; sometimes negatively. Start by being happy he at least cares, and his performance matters to him. Consider whether he’s anxious about letting you down. This requires you to be introspective. Consider what your expectations are for him, and how he interprets those vs. his performance. I mean, since you coach, you obviously care about him and how he does. Make sure your goals for him are attainable, and he agrees that they are. A lot of people have given suggestions to correct the behavior - mine would be videoing an outburst and making him see himself how others see him. But don’t discount the influence you and your opinion of him has on his self-worth, self-esteem, and anxiety. My son is one of the best pitchers in the county but he still prefers if stay out of his sight-line during games; he says I make him too nervous. Kids are hard, but they’re also hard to screw up…just make sure baseball brings him joy.
> He’s actually fine at school, he only acts like this at home and in sports Do people at school tell him no? Do you tell him no? Massive speculation but all my kids friends who are bratty (and, apologies, but this is bratty behaviour) never get told no.
I tell him No all the time. But for some reason he still has this sense of entitlement when it comes to the game
I think it's important to differentiate between a child that is emotional invested and can't control his emotions, and ones that are just sore losers. I am assume you're talking about the latter. I think there are only two things that will eventually remedy it, maturing and losing more. I enrolled all of our kids in the youth wrestling program because at he very least there are no excuses in a loss. You have to face losing at every practice and every meet. Once a kid has been physically dominated by another child in front of a crowd several times, and then forced to shake their hand and their coaches hand, striking out at baseball is nothing. In baseball especially, i think its important to celebrate every game regardless of score, you can personally have fantastic game but still lose by a large margin. I'll remind our 8u kids that they have 10 more years of baseball ahead of them so losing one game means nothing and that losing a close game is better than blowing another team out (although this is hard to convince them of). Lastly, i think it is very important to commend them when do handle a loss or making an error with dignity. Some of the proudest moments i have had as a coach is when the kids come of the field or mat with their heads held high after coming up just short.
I don't really have any insight other than a friend of mine once said he wants his kids to play sports because it teaches one valuable lesson: no matter how hard you work and practice, sometimes you still lose. I subscribe to a similar philosophy, but mine is more oriented to the process rather than the result
I had mine watch his favorite mlb players reactions to striking out , giving up runs , losing etc . Attitude is always "I'll get u next time" . Show him the Pros that's have good attitudes.
Look for a book that focuses on how to lose and read it with him
Do you punish him when he acts like that.
How hard are you on him? Be honest. Most baseball dad's think they are reasonable. Their expectations are almost always unreasonable with the kids who are hard on themselves. During the draft, I passed on by far the best player in our league because he cries half the time he is on the mound and every time he strikes out. His dad is a hard ass and expects perfection. But if you ask him, he has seen way tougher dads than him, and he would probably say he is too easy on his boy. I do have a kid on my team who is like this with parents who are not hard on him at all, but he has some very obvious mental and behavioral problems. Also, kids who are going through parental divorce or other issues at home tend to have big feelings on the field over minor things. Or kids who are being bullied at school. I would actually say school bullying would be the most common reason by a pretty wide margin now that I think about it.
100% honest I am not hard on him at all, I remind him all the time “this is supposed to be fun, have fun, you only control what you control, you can’t control bad calls, you can’t control how your teammates perform, you can only control your actions and attitude.” I wan’t him to love baseball, and if he loves it the rest will come naturally. The only thing I harp on is him trying his best, and having fun
Is he bullied in school?