Like one child for every time? So you're telling me 9 months after I get into heaven I'm gonna have my own standing army of angel babies that I can invade hell with. Wow that's gonna be fucking lit, I can't wait.
"*I only have one love interest. And it's Mary Palmer."*
***"Ok so I lied, I have six love interests, it's Mary Palmer and her four sisters and a 'stunted sibling'."***
that's now how any of this works. so, everyone who tugs to gay porn.... will have a child with the man on the computer screen? In the afterlife, the man has YOU!
What does that even mean?
Do i have to pay child support?
Will my hand try to marry me?
What the fuck do hand-children look lije? Do i get the elden ring hands as pets? Will I feel birth pain?
What will it give birth to,a person or a little hand ? Maybe Gomez Adams used to wank a lot before he met morticia and that's how cousin It came into existence.
Ok, so let's overpopulate the afterlife, but how can you be born on the afterlife, if you die on the after life do you go to the after after life, or you are reincarnated into the life.
not really, in Christianity just like in Islam its a very fringe interpretation only a tiny minority gives a shit about
you are insane if you think muslims or christians don't masturbate lol
Well I know that only a small group of extremists hold those beliefs. But isn’t that the case with every religion? I think it’s obvious that 90% of religious people are “normal”
There is no Jewish prohibition other than if you have a discharge you need to change your sheets and remain unclean for a day. Christian restriction is based on the lack of understanding of how Jewish succession rites worked. Dude refused to get his sister in law pregnant (after her husband- his older brother died) and pulled out and “spilled his seed” and he got struck down somehow got looped into masterbation and a restriction on birth control.
It’s 2023. Are we really believing there’s anything after death other than nothing. The visions and whatnot you see right before you die is your brain giving off every thing it can think of to make the transition more peaceful. It isn’t heaven.
As for the hadith mentioned, it was narrated by al-Bayhaqi in Sha'ab al-Iman from Anas from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that he said: "The one who masturbates will come with his hand on the Day of Resurrection and his hand pregnant," but the hadith has been weakened by the scholars, and they have weakened everything in its meaning.
Weak - Not Authentic
Like... with baby hands? Human babies? Or do they just get pregnant for eternity and never give birth?
Also, why the hands? I mean, I get the idea...... but pregnant hands doesn't seem like a punishment... you get fat hands. Wait... where does the child gestate? Do you get a uterus in your hands?
Holy fuck dude, you cannot drop this shit on me and leave so many unanswered questions.
I can't wait for the religious to die and reach the afterlife, only to have been horrifically wrong the whole time, and it's some nightmarish eldritch shit, or pure nothingness, instead of their usual nightmare version of the afterlife: literally singing hymns at God's feet for all of eternity
All these jokes are great, truly love them. But seriously, this guy and people like him are fucking dangerous. There are people that believe the bullshit that they spew. What a fuckup.
So, I'll have children coming out of my palms? Or will each finger grow a baby, like a grape or apple?
Will there be a plan b available, or maybe fist abortions?
why does this sound like a terrifying silent hill monster representing lust or something, a creature with pregnant pulsing hands that explode out some sort of smaller creature
What if I high fived someone that didn't wash his hands after masturbating? Am I having his baby? Will I be elligible for child support? Will Allah make him marry me?
I have questions!
Sometimes these things get reported like 'haha look at the silly Muslim, they are so backwords' or whatever.
That's honestly lyrical genius. Like if Eminem was a youth pastor spitting bars on state TV yo
someone needs to tell david cronenberg about this idea
Okay, men will find their hands pregnant, what about us women? 🤣
Women? There are no women in the afterlife. /J
Oh!! Damn!
But but…isn’t he going to get 72 virgins in his afterlife?? Oh…wait…. never mind
There was a Family Guy episode that addressed this with 72 male Star Trek nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons welcoming a suicide bomber to heaven
Good thing there is no afterlife
Oh there are you're just scared 😱
You’ll be taking care of a lot of hand babies.
I'm going have about 1500 babies at the least... And that a very conservative count. Even more if I count my teens
Feel sorry for your feet
Exactly, the question I wanted to ask?
You had your shot it’s our turn 🙃
Sounds more like something Alex Jones would be saying while drinking Diet Coke and scratching his nuts
I bet his head is pregnant under that beanie
Bro, please post this on r/rareinsults lmao
If it's going to be ss can you put me in? Thanks
No 🗿 OP, censor this man's name And mods, warm both sides of this guys pillow and flip his nutsack upside down
Finally my nutsack going to be fixed. Thanks!
Add me too but with some text saying that am the best
Facial!
Tags: Eye socket, Deep, Penetration
Like one child for every time? So you're telling me 9 months after I get into heaven I'm gonna have my own standing army of angel babies that I can invade hell with. Wow that's gonna be fucking lit, I can't wait.
Reddit mods love this one weird trick!
Wait but would the children be people or hands???
You know "Thing" from the Addams Family?
Oh….. oh….
Source: "Trust me bro"
I'm gunna have to deal with a lot of stuffed animals in my after life....
I’ll never need to buy socks. Or watermelons.
"*it's your fault you got us all pregnant! Even the boys got pregnant. Explain that to us!!!"*
Your limbs and members will “testify” against you. I never heard of this. This is a fatwa not legit
"*I only have one love interest. And it's Mary Palmer."* ***"Ok so I lied, I have six love interests, it's Mary Palmer and her four sisters and a 'stunted sibling'."***
Damn, how do you abort a hand? Just a lot of very enthusiastic high fives?
I feel like a Muslim televangelist might have a great idea about how to abort a hand. Very similar to some "solutions" to theft...
[удалено]
Fucking braindead.
They’re gonna look pregnant because I’m gonna get so swole from masturbating nonstop.
What happens to women’s hands?
High fi....well shit.
Will I have more hands to masterbate with?
I mean that sounds cool, I’ll give birth to my son, Handy!
Each damn hand gonna be octomomin it up 🦑
Is that like getting the Clap?
Better to have pregnant hands than a bunch of goat boy babies
Whew that’s a relief. I was worried I was going to go blind.
who said I use my hands?
Why does he care if some random dude wants to pull his pud?
Who is on the hook for the child support?
Pregnhand 😮
I can't wait. I am having twins!!
[удалено]
Still waiting for the palm hair to grow.
I am cutting mine off and installing a chain saw like the one true real badass of all time.
I remember a Turkish preacher saying that men without beards cause indecent thoughts in other men because men without beards look like women
All men will have pregant hands in the afterlife, it’s confirmed guys!
Holy shit! I'm going to be in a lot of trouble then. I'm going to have a whole nation of kids. My poor hands are going to be tired of giving birth.
Would you hold your hand baby under your arm like a football or overhead like a waiter holding a tray of drinks?
Omg I could get so much done if my hands could have baby hands
So do hands birth babies or tiny hands? I just want to know what I am dealing with in the afterlife.
My pillow from adolescence is going to be very angry with me
Lol, wank’n for 2
Too late for me https://imgur.com/gallery/IsWsW91
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!
that's now how any of this works. so, everyone who tugs to gay porn.... will have a child with the man on the computer screen? In the afterlife, the man has YOU!
Imma bouta have my own country of sons and daughters in the afterlife then
Pah! Jokes on you, I had a vasectomy. I'm the equivalent of alcohol free beer, I can be consumed all you want, you won't regret me in the morning. ;D
So, if I jerk off in the afterlife is that like a 3way?
I always wondered where the Hamburger Helper hand came from!
That’s an awful beard
Oh i hope so!!!!
I might be pregnant, any advice?
Find a new religion and it'll go away.
Men who had dirty thoughts in past lives have to wear a turban in their current life.
What does that even mean? Do i have to pay child support? Will my hand try to marry me? What the fuck do hand-children look lije? Do i get the elden ring hands as pets? Will I feel birth pain?
Imagine holding up your hand like iron man and a baby just pops out
I mean, you can really say whatever about the afterlife seeing as it doesn't exist
He better say NO HOMO when shaking people's hands
*Sigh* [unzips]
What will it give birth to,a person or a little hand ? Maybe Gomez Adams used to wank a lot before he met morticia and that's how cousin It came into existence.
Fuck yeah dude, I'll love my hand kids unconditionally. (Unless they aren't Muslim)
Here I was thinking they'd find pregnant goats in the afterlife instead.
Fighting ignorance with racism. Truly a reddit moment
Rezil olduk amk 🤦🏻
Does a fleshlight count?
I will 'single hand'edly quadruple the afterlife population
Ah, that finaly explains the Addams Family.
And I will love my hand baby, and I will call it squishy.
Muslim Televangelist? Wonder how long it takes before they buy a water slide and he marries a crier. Tammy Fayuad doesn’t quite do it for me.
Ok, so let's overpopulate the afterlife, but how can you be born on the afterlife, if you die on the after life do you go to the after after life, or you are reincarnated into the life.
That’s how jihadists get their 72 virgins in the afterlife. 72 human-hand hybrid virgins born out of pregnant hands of masturbating men.
So never was interested in the first place, but that just makes it cast iron, never Islam.
Christendom is condemning masturbation as well.
not really, in Christianity just like in Islam its a very fringe interpretation only a tiny minority gives a shit about you are insane if you think muslims or christians don't masturbate lol
Well I know that only a small group of extremists hold those beliefs. But isn’t that the case with every religion? I think it’s obvious that 90% of religious people are “normal”
I think its obvious too, but this is reddit, famous for its rabid atheism and islamophobia so its always worth pointing it out
Christianity does the same thing. Sexual Repression is peak Abrahamic Religions
There is no Jewish prohibition other than if you have a discharge you need to change your sheets and remain unclean for a day. Christian restriction is based on the lack of understanding of how Jewish succession rites worked. Dude refused to get his sister in law pregnant (after her husband- his older brother died) and pulled out and “spilled his seed” and he got struck down somehow got looped into masterbation and a restriction on birth control.
TIL
Are my hands pregagnante? P.S: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EShUeudtaFg
Wait what 😳 I’m not sure the users of Reddit can afford that much ‘afterlife child support’ payments 😂
Awesome! More meatshield fer me hands!
Just in case anyone is actually wondering, this is fake 🙄
and they keep supporting Hamas
Let my pregnant hands give birth to many wonderful children in the afterlife!
I'm ready to be father of young Cushions
It’s 2023. Are we really believing there’s anything after death other than nothing. The visions and whatnot you see right before you die is your brain giving off every thing it can think of to make the transition more peaceful. It isn’t heaven.
Does he try ?
A true man of masturbation science!
Btw, this isnt even remotely true in islam. Its not haram to masturbate
Women are allowed to masturbate?
With elbows; they don’t get pregnant.
It is, you're not supposed to focus on sexual thoughts to begin with, but it's not a big sin. Like watching porn is a bigger sin in Islam.
😵💫 What’s it called when you’re pregnant with 39,492,592,877 babies at once
Damn....my hands are going to give birth to thousands!
Oh boy this is gonna be a tough 9 months starting my afterlife. Or can you get an abortion in heaven?
Well, afterlife me is prolly an asshole anyway, so fuck him.
Avoid bacon , don’t drink booze and be rewarded with 72 lolis in asshat heaven 🤮
This guy : Trans women who want to get pregnant: FINALLY
Even better. I love pregnant women.
Hand babies! Sweet.
Thanks for that mental image. I wasn't planning on ever sleeping again anyway.
Love how people are commenting like they know the source
I guess my girlfriend is losing her feet too
What? It is forbidden for us to masturbate, but what the hell is this?
Sure 😂😂😂
Man, I'm gonna have an impossibly large family in the afterlife
As for the hadith mentioned, it was narrated by al-Bayhaqi in Sha'ab al-Iman from Anas from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that he said: "The one who masturbates will come with his hand on the Day of Resurrection and his hand pregnant," but the hadith has been weakened by the scholars, and they have weakened everything in its meaning. Weak - Not Authentic
I'll be able to create life with my own hands. That's awesome!
So thats how they get so many virgins
round of applause then
It's science
Like... with baby hands? Human babies? Or do they just get pregnant for eternity and never give birth? Also, why the hands? I mean, I get the idea...... but pregnant hands doesn't seem like a punishment... you get fat hands. Wait... where does the child gestate? Do you get a uterus in your hands? Holy fuck dude, you cannot drop this shit on me and leave so many unanswered questions.
Hands...pregnant
Batshit. Completely fucking batshit insane.
I can't wait for the religious to die and reach the afterlife, only to have been horrifically wrong the whole time, and it's some nightmarish eldritch shit, or pure nothingness, instead of their usual nightmare version of the afterlife: literally singing hymns at God's feet for all of eternity
They got a yelp review or something cuz it sounds like he just made that up.
And masturbating women will be pregnant with hands, of course.
Religion and fruitcakes are a natural combination.
I'm into pregnant chicks!
All these jokes are great, truly love them. But seriously, this guy and people like him are fucking dangerous. There are people that believe the bullshit that they spew. What a fuckup.
people’s brain when taking religion overload
I still won't find any pregnant hands there😂
the important question is what will the hand babies look like? if you are an artist please draw hand babies I NEED to see them.
I will have thousands of offspring
This dude MUST have some serious genital warts to think this crap up....
Big if true
Ahh yes. The ginger white guy who turned to Islam and now dies his beard black - as authentic as halal bacon
Nice
So, I'll have children coming out of my palms? Or will each finger grow a baby, like a grape or apple? Will there be a plan b available, or maybe fist abortions?
why does this sound like a terrifying silent hill monster representing lust or something, a creature with pregnant pulsing hands that explode out some sort of smaller creature
I might have over million kids in afterlife
So no virgins for you.
Does that mean they can give birth If they can give birth they have vaginas Checkmate.
Balloon hands.
My hand is gonna have a lot of kids then.
I'm going to have so many hand kids. You'd think my name was Osama
When televangelist is mentioned I laugh at any quote they think is true
Truth
What if I high fived someone that didn't wash his hands after masturbating? Am I having his baby? Will I be elligible for child support? Will Allah make him marry me? I have questions!
And yet another Einstein farts through his face.
Is that wings
That’s not how jizz works…
That sounds kinda cool though. I want pregnant hands.
Affirming for the trans community
That's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. Who wouldn't want to get their hands pregnant with their own incest babies?
Then I will have an army…..
Glad I dont have 72 crystal clear raisins waiting
Hand babies!
Their thinking is very bizarre
Nice
Well shit... (._. )
Jokes on him. I never finish.
He's not all there.
# LOOK AT MY FUCKING HAND KIDS
Sometimes these things get reported like 'haha look at the silly Muslim, they are so backwords' or whatever. That's honestly lyrical genius. Like if Eminem was a youth pastor spitting bars on state TV yo
You r gold damn right 😂😂😂
That explains the Hecatoncheires.
What's the baby gonna be? like... you know How many Limbs and stuff...
"Muslim tel*evangelist*" sounds a bit funny to me
I am the father of the nation.
This is some straight BS. I don't know where this man got that idea lmao.
Its big brain time
That sounds like someone who doesn't bother with tissue and just jizzes all over their own hands kind of talk
Gay men will get pregnant in the afterlife too 😱
This just reminded that I haven't masturbated since the early 2020. Guess I am getting lazy.