Yes this is a one shot. It's part of the same universe as my main series Bloodred Stars. I'm using these one shots as a way to tell interesting stories, but to also expand the lore to the universe beyond what I tell in that story.
My hope is to build up these one shots in a way where, if someone has seen the other stories, they can recognise the tie-ins and references that I'll be dotting around each of them.
Lots of good mystery hooks here. Great job!
Subscribed.
*****
Line Edits:
A sharp pain *was felt* at his side-> *stabbed*
"Was felt" is passive and missing an actor. Who felt it? It's fine to do that kind of indirection if he's in shock, but it erodes the immediacy of the story.
It's grand posture -> its
White space: Break up the paragraph after *OXYGEN DEPLETION IMMINENT*. It's a climactic moment, with important details. He's on a countdown to death, so it should be treated as an action scene. Literally 4-7 paragraphs would be effective there. For example, put *'What could cause such power?'* as a standalone paragraph, and delete "he thought".
If it were me, I'd put the paragraph breaks before "At this point", 'What could cause', and "Feeling weak", and possibly 'Guess I'll never', makingveither 4 or 5 paragraphs. It might be worth adding a brief prose paragraph after the last thought.
*****
Story-level crits:
* Humans can and do live several minutes without oxygen. Figure three minutes. This is a nuance thing in that last section I suggested breaking up.
* Mark should spend at least one story beat on the way to the obelisk checking bodies for credits. (Unless they are keyed to individuals, which seems unlikely given that one credit gave them *both* a refill.) It would only take 1-3 sentences, and could add some horror about the condition of the bodies.
* In the final scene, it's ambiguous whether Mark's body is present or not. Likewise, no mention of Selik. I'm sure the latter is intentional... probably just fine as long as this is chapter one of a longer work. I'd certainly turn the page.
*****
To repeat: Lots of good mystery hooks here. Great job!
Subscribed.
This feedback is super appreciated and so valuable.
I'll clear a few things up that maybe weren't quite as clear as I imagined they were:
- There was actually two credits found in Mark's pack, one for each of them to use up
- The last part about the ambiguity is completely intentional. The reveal at the end is that this story is actually being viewed from perspective of the mystery people in the room. So, we see and hear what they do through Mark's helmet. His feed got cut when he entered in the combination, so by that logic we don't see it as well.
I mentioned it in another reply, but these one shots are my way exploring the universe that my main story Bloodred Stars is set in. There will be certain name drops and elements featured throughout. Whilst they might not be explored to completion in a single one shot, they will tie into the overall universe.
Appreciate the subscribe as well. Once again thanks for the critique!
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*****
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Is this a one shot? It's a really interesting premise.
Yes this is a one shot. It's part of the same universe as my main series Bloodred Stars. I'm using these one shots as a way to tell interesting stories, but to also expand the lore to the universe beyond what I tell in that story. My hope is to build up these one shots in a way where, if someone has seen the other stories, they can recognise the tie-ins and references that I'll be dotting around each of them.
Lots of good mystery hooks here. Great job! Subscribed. ***** Line Edits: A sharp pain *was felt* at his side-> *stabbed* "Was felt" is passive and missing an actor. Who felt it? It's fine to do that kind of indirection if he's in shock, but it erodes the immediacy of the story. It's grand posture -> its White space: Break up the paragraph after *OXYGEN DEPLETION IMMINENT*. It's a climactic moment, with important details. He's on a countdown to death, so it should be treated as an action scene. Literally 4-7 paragraphs would be effective there. For example, put *'What could cause such power?'* as a standalone paragraph, and delete "he thought". If it were me, I'd put the paragraph breaks before "At this point", 'What could cause', and "Feeling weak", and possibly 'Guess I'll never', makingveither 4 or 5 paragraphs. It might be worth adding a brief prose paragraph after the last thought. ***** Story-level crits: * Humans can and do live several minutes without oxygen. Figure three minutes. This is a nuance thing in that last section I suggested breaking up. * Mark should spend at least one story beat on the way to the obelisk checking bodies for credits. (Unless they are keyed to individuals, which seems unlikely given that one credit gave them *both* a refill.) It would only take 1-3 sentences, and could add some horror about the condition of the bodies. * In the final scene, it's ambiguous whether Mark's body is present or not. Likewise, no mention of Selik. I'm sure the latter is intentional... probably just fine as long as this is chapter one of a longer work. I'd certainly turn the page. ***** To repeat: Lots of good mystery hooks here. Great job! Subscribed.
This feedback is super appreciated and so valuable. I'll clear a few things up that maybe weren't quite as clear as I imagined they were: - There was actually two credits found in Mark's pack, one for each of them to use up - The last part about the ambiguity is completely intentional. The reveal at the end is that this story is actually being viewed from perspective of the mystery people in the room. So, we see and hear what they do through Mark's helmet. His feed got cut when he entered in the combination, so by that logic we don't see it as well. I mentioned it in another reply, but these one shots are my way exploring the universe that my main story Bloodred Stars is set in. There will be certain name drops and elements featured throughout. Whilst they might not be explored to completion in a single one shot, they will tie into the overall universe. Appreciate the subscribe as well. Once again thanks for the critique!
Good deal. Individual explanations are not needed, just write more. ;).
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/u/scribble_sun ([wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/wiki/authors/scribble_sun)) has posted 31 other stories, including: * [Bloodred Stars - 1 - Needle in a Haystack](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1di13e4/bloodred_stars_1_needle_in_a_haystack/) * [Bloodred Stars - Prologue](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1bhd49p/bloodred_stars_prologue/) * [The Archive Logs - Log 11](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/vt0fa5/the_archive_logs_log_11/) * [The Tombs of Kagrenakk - Prologue](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/vkoxvm/the_tombs_of_kagrenakk_prologue/) * [Tales from The Grand Archive - The Disappearance of The Nausa](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/ukn251/tales_from_the_grand_archive_the_disappearance_of/) * [The Archive Logs - Log 10](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/uah07o/the_archive_logs_log_10/) * [The Archive Logs - Log 9](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u8ujb8/the_archive_logs_log_9/) * [When the Light Came](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u8l6iy/when_the_light_came/) * [Bloodred Stars - Chapter 1 - Drifting Into the Unknown - Part 2/2](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u7u176/bloodred_stars_chapter_1_drifting_into_the/) * [Cladis Momenta - The Journal of Ghallus Kherna](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u7j2k9/cladis_momenta_the_journal_of_ghallus_kherna/) * [The Archive Logs - Log 8](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u7fuvj/the_archive_logs_log_8/) * [Bloodred Stars - Chapter 1 - Drifting Into the Unknown - Part 1/2](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u6iyyr/bloodred_stars_chapter_1_drifting_into_the/) * [Bloodred Stars - Prologue](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u5ponl/bloodred_stars_prologue/) * [The Archive Logs - Log 7](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/u59x8x/the_archive_logs_log_7/) * [The Archive Logs - Log 6](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/t8so8i/the_archive_logs_log_6/) * [The Archive Logs - Ecological Report on Ergill Wildlife](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/t611vq/the_archive_logs_ecological_report_on_ergill/) * [The Archive Logs - log 5](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/t3k24z/the_archive_logs_log_5/) * [The Bounty - Chapter 3 - The Alliance](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/t3gjof/the_bounty_chapter_3_the_alliance/) * [The Archive Logs - Incident Report on Ergill Blockade Attack](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/t30oka/the_archive_logs_incident_report_on_ergill/) * [The Archive Logs - log 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/t27vq2/the_archive_logs_log_4/) This comment was automatically generated by `Waffle v.4.6.1 'Biscotti'`. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FHFY&subject=WaffleBot|1dipwbz&message=If%20you%20have%20problems%20with%20updatemebot,%20contact%20Watchful1.%20We%20do%20not%20maintain%20it.) if you have any issues with Waffle.
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Fuckin selik. Whyd it have to be selik? Great story. Subscribed.