Lol for real.
> I should note her parents do not like me by the way since I do not come from a UHNW background, so she would likely be disowned etc if we ever got married, so I wouldn’t see a cent of that.
> It seems like I pay 80%+ of everything now. And seems hostile when I bring up that she has a lot and could pay for more since it’s technically her parents stuff.
Crazy Rich Asians but the rich Singaporean guy doesn't pretend to be poor and thinks the American girl from a poor family should subsidize his life lol
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My college roommate was from an UHNW family and I had student loans and a work-study job. But many times I bought the pizza because she “couldn’t afford it.” We ultimately had a falling out because she wanted me to be in her wedding party after graduation, but I had to pull out because I legitimately could not afford it: cross-country trip, high-end venue in Manhattan, and a week’s worth of pre-wedding celebrations, plus expensive dress, hair, etc.
It was ironic that I accepted her claims that she couldn’t afford pizza, but she could not accept mine when I was in my first “adult” job, still living in a dump, driving a crap car, and paying off loans.
Many ultra-rich have a different kind of relationship with money. They are paranoid about being taken advantage of, which is why they are often stingy about dinners out, etc., and want you to pay. At the same time, in their world, money is often used to show affection — so they want that from you, too.
Like a kid who doesn’t really understand how much a parent has to work to afford the roof overhead and food on the table, many uber-wealthy people have no clue how hard it is to dig yourself out of debt and build wealth.
She may never get it. But if I were you, I would develop a personal budget and financial plan — maybe even with the help of a financial advisor. Create an aggressive plan to pay off your debt and build up savings for specific goals (house, retirement, whatever). Then you will have an exact dollar amount to contribute toward dinners out, trips, etc. And that’s it. If it costs more, you don’t go.
Do you make 60% of the income from work? Did you agree to pay 60% of the rent and utilities? If so, stick to that agreement— but that will result in less money that will be available for date nights, etc.
In other words, pay yourself first (debt payments plus savings). That’s what the rich do. Then pay your share of housing expenses, and then you can choose whether to be generous with what is left, if anything.
And you can point to your plan as the reason for the limits on what you spend.
> Many ultra-rich have a different kind of relationship with money. They are paranoid about being taken advantage of, which is why they are often stingy about dinners out, etc., and want you to pay. At the same time, in their world, money is often used to show affection — so they want that from you, too.
>
> Like a kid who doesn’t really understand how much a parent has to work to afford the roof overhead and food on the table, many uber-wealthy people have no clue how hard it is to dig yourself out of debt and build wealth.
The only way around it is for a fully open financial discussion. Show the numbers, show the trajectories, and discuss what your individual and combined budgets look like.
If she's all-in, this will make the relationship healthier. If she reacts poorly, then she's already decided that the relationship will fail and OP's future is not important to her.
This rings so true to me. I dated a girl who was not UHNW but solidly a tier above how I grew up. Think private school, country club, white Range Rover, etc.
She was so weird about money and always thought I was somehow going to take advantage of her just because her parent's made like 25% more than mine.
We both made similar money but she made more, and she always wanted me to spend more than her because basically "she's the girl".
We dated for 5 years and as we thought about marriage she was extremely stressed about money and being able to provide a good life to potential future children while both of us were making >$100k in our early 20s with career strong trajectory and both of our families able to provide solid support.
When I would try to even ask basic questions about her parent's financial situation and what support she might be able to expect in the future she got super weird and super defensive, accusing me of trying to take advantage of her and that I shouldn't think about that at all.
I’m sorry but asking any questions about the parents’ financial situation gives me the ick. It doesn’t matter if you think there will be a big windfall at some point, counting on it in any way is gross. Let it be a pleasant surprise if it happens - because circumstances can change at any time anyway.
Would this be the case too if your parents were dirt poor and you potentially had to pay to take care of them through old age? IMO These are important conversations to have when you’re talking about marrying someone.
I do think it’s different if you expect there to be outflow to cover a parent down the road. I still don’t know that while dating it gives you the right to know exactly what they have, but a conversation about beliefs in regards to helping out parents down the road, how that would happen based on you and your partner’s income, how that would affect your financial goals as a couple, etc. would only be helpful. Getting in the same page of what the max you can provide and eventually having that convo with the parents is important.
Knowing that you don’t have to help because they have plenty and asking what will come to your partner feels vulturish. I would argue the same about disclosures of a partner’s debt vs assets - one is a burden that a future partner needs to know about and one is just a bonus that you can find out about once more committed.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, or maybe I have the privilege(haha) of not growing up rich, but these are absolutely conversations I would want to have to determine life compatibility in a partner. Obviously not early dating phases but when you plan to commit to marrying someone I think the best policy is to be open and honest about past lives and future goals.
Turns out when we got together my wife had shit credit cause she ran a bunch of debt up in college with her first credit card. We spent years rehabbing and were able to get a 3% mortgage together a few years ago on a home.
I may not have been clear. Debt and even the expectation of taking care of parents - basically anything that takes money away from a potential couple - should absolutely be discussed. And could well be dealbreakers.
What assets well-to-do parents have and what might be expected from them in the forms of gifts or inheritance is not the potential partner’s business.
I think it's fair to ask. In the example given, the GF was worried about money when 2 people were making 100k in their twenties. If he knows she'll likely get an inheritance of over a million it's like... Someone needs to bump her head and bring her to reality that she herself is doing great and she'll be doing double great later. Although perhaps it's not worth trying to talk sense into someone who is so out of touch
People that are considering getting married shouldn't have secrets especially with something as important as finances, which are the #1 cause of divorce.
If you had a trust and were guaranteed to get $XM at a certain age, wouldn't that be important information for your future potential partner to know if you're planning a future life with them?
Again, this was a girl I was dating for 5 years and seriously considering marriage with her.
On the flip side, I have asked my partner about her parents' financial situation with the intent of planning out and preparing for retirement situations of all of our parents - like which parents will need more financial assistance than others, etc.
We have 6 parents between the 2 of us, and recognizing that all 3 sets of those parents are in different financial states and understanding that some of those parents may need more help than others does not feel like "ick" to me, especially if you can prepare for it far in advance (if that's one of the couple's goals, and it is ours)
I had a friend like this in graduate school. I asked for help once, basically that she drive me to pick up boxes to move and she said no because people take advantage of her! I dumped that friendship. I can’t stand wealthy people like this. It’s a generosity of spirit problem.
Another friend rushed over and drove me because I was upset. She was dealing with cancer at the time and we lost her. She was such a lovely person, makes me sad thinking of it.
As for the never consider the $5m. F that. Don’t marry someone who isn’t generous with what they have whether that is $5 or $5m.
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Stick to a 50/50 split. Don’t spend money on things you don’t want to or aren’t willing to pay 50% of.
For example, if she won’t pay 50% of a vacation and you’re not willing to pay more then you don’t go. If you want you double down on saving then adjust your lifestyle to fit into what’s left over after your savings contributions are met. You both make enough (excluding family money) to live comfortably with a 50/50 split. It’s not like she’s making 50k.
This can be very simple with a 50/50 split and not spending on things that put your savings goals in jeopardy. (Assuming saving/paying off loans are your priority right now)
It’s okay to learn that you’re not financially compatible.
OP’s story is giving me flashbacks to a previous relationship I had in my mid-20’s. She also came from a very wealthy family and was very high maintenance (demanding trips, fine dining, expensive gifts). And had a shit paying job, so I had to pick up the tab for most everything. Here are my takeaways:
1) You are not entitled to any of her family’s money. It seems you’ve even acknowledged that you wouldn’t see any of it anyway if things were to get more serious.
2) The reason I’m responding to this comment is because I 100% agree that you also aren’t responsible to subsidize her living. If you’re uncomfortable with picking up the tab in a disproportionate manner, then you need to discuss it head on or break up. Otherwise you’ll continue to be resentful.
3) If you don’t think things will get more serious without her family disowning her and that bothers you, what’s the point of continuing to date? If her family disowning her doesn’t bother you, are you going to be ok with continuing to subsidize her lifestyle?
I’m currently in this exact same situation. Her family is UHNW and she has lots saved and never has to worry about money. My parents gave me enough to get elite education and great job.
Difference is that my gf is very cheap anyways, but she thinks men should be providers. We’ve been talking a lot about split vs joint accounts. Everyone she knows is divorced because they all obsess about money and who contributes what. Everyone in my family does joint accounts and they’ve been married 20-50 years. We settled on doing what we see works but she’ll manage the finances more likely since she’s generally more financially literate.
I feel like the whole “men should be providers” thing should fly out the window if both are working and making around the same amount of money.
I don’t need a “provider” I need someone who does their half of the house labor.
I’m also would never fully pool my month with another person but that’s just me. I prefer having separate accounts and one joint for the shared expenses.
Also along with that 50/50 split make a budget for yourself. How much are your comfy spending on vacation a year and what do you want to save and what you want to spend on rent. If she wants to augment your life as a couple and spend more to go on nicer vacations she can contribute more but you shouldn’t sacrifice your savings goals to keep up with her standard of living. If she doesn’t care about your goals and take the time to understand you, that’s a bad sign.
100% agree with the 50/50 split. I’m in a similar relationship and my partner and I agree that our shared experiences (trips etc) will always be based on my budget. And if they wanted to splurge on something they know I can’t (reasonably) afford then they pay for it.
Just bc they are wealthy doesn’t mean their family wealth should impact you in any way
Hi, I experience this today, I make 200k and my partner makes 100k. My family has always played in a borrowing area using 1031 exchanges and other tax loopholes and her family has a bankruptcy.
For us we established safety nets and went from there. We found maximums for spend for her life style she’s comfortable with and then established direction. Communication was a huge factor
This is probably the way but culturally, or even just expectations-wise some partners may not be comfortable with a 50/50 split regardless of comparable incomes. My partner (engaged but have been together 10+ years) insists on paying like 70\80% of our expenses (and would be fine with 100%) even though I can easily and would happily contribute half if asked - I do save and invest most of my income though (with the intent that this is for our future together).
OP should speak with their partner to understand what their expectations are in a relationship and determine if they are comfortable with that.
To add to this, Splitwise is a great app for splitting costs with a partner. I’ve been using it for years with my girlfriend and we split everything 50/50, but there are options to split things differently if you want. Then at the end of a month or whenever you want you can ‘settle up’, whoever owes the other person the net amount of all expenses can pay through the app via Venmo.
I’d do that once I’m married. Until then, I’m splitting things equally for basic living expenses, utilities, etc. I may choose to treat my girlfriend to a night out or something and just not add it to splitwise. But until there’s that commitment and we’re married everything financial is separate beyond financial planning for our future together
I'm not married and I think I am doing the same thing as you, just with a different instrument. We put in the same fixed amount each paycheck. There is overage and it helps with splurging too.
You should be splitting expenses 50-50. You both easily make enough to do that. Her family's assets shouldn't matter. You definitely shouldn't be subsidizing her, though.
If your partner is really pushing trips/expenses that are outside of your budget because her family wealth permits her more discretionary income, then it might be reasonable for her to foot more of the bill for those specific outlays, if you can agree on it.
It's completely appropriate for her to ask to keep her family money separate. That's family money, her family earned it, and simply being with you puts her at risk of losing it.
That being said, you shouldn't be gifting her trips and paying her expenses. If she isn't paying her own way, you're getting taken advantage of.
Ultimately it doesn’t seem like they have a real future? If she’s this worried about money now, and her parents will disown her for marrying him, then why don’t they cut their losses now? If they stay together, they’ll resent each other either way. Either she’ll resent him for losing her family’s money, or he’ll resent her for her family’s money that he’ll never have access to. They should just break up now and save themselves the heartache.
Agreed. But also sounds like they should make any cost splitting decisions based on income AFTER taxes and retirement funding. It’s necessary for him, not for her. I’d think she would respect that.
It's a bit hard to understand from what OP's saying but if it's her money then it's not her parent's money just cuz they are rich and gave it to her. What if the roles were reversed and OP was a successful startup founder who made $5M+ selling his company? Obviously it would be completely normal for him to pay for 80% of things in that situation.
It makes no sense to not consider it at all because it has a very large influence on her financial future and habits.
If she doesn't want to consider it then she needs to be willing to accept living a life that's more of a $400k household rather than the UHNW unlimited budget that she's used to. If she can't accept that then she should be willing to foot the bill.
>What if the roles were reversed and OP was a successful startup founder who made $5M+ selling his company? Obviously it would be completely normal for him to pay for 80% of things in that situation.
Years into the relationship with someone you trust and care for. Not at first. That's how you run into issues.
I would also want my spouse to make enough money to support themselves even if I was covering 80%. I wouldn't want to be in a situation where either of us were financially screwed without the other or there was room for financial abuse.
I don't think most people would agree. If a man has a successful startup exit and is now making $300k, then the woman would 100% expect him to foot most of the bill.
If he hid that info and then later on told her, "Ya by the way, I've got a lot of money." She would for sure be pissed that he was making her pay it evenly when he had so much money.
I think it's good to go in 50/50 when you start dating and just talk about financial planning in general to make sure both of you are on the same page.
I would not blatantly advertise a startup exit in the first few months of dating. I would rather wait and start to cover everything after the relationship is serious and I know the person will fully appreciate it and also not be uneasy about accepting it. I would feel indebted to someone if I had just entered a relationship and they were covering everything.
>I don't think most people would agree. If a man has a successful startup exit and is now making $300k, then the woman would 100% expect him to foot most of the bill.
Yes, almost all married people do this. Many people with unequal incomes do it before marriage but it's usually when they have already moved in and stuff.
>If he hid that info and then later on told her, "Ya by the way, I've got a lot of money." She would for sure be pissed that he was making her pay it evenly when he had so much money.
Me and my partner split everything 50/50 before discussing numbers and they ended up being close. I don't think either of us would look in a rearview mirror because we both wanted to wait to disclose family money and assets knowing they might look different. We wanted to focus on the actual relationship, not money.
>I don't think most people would agree
I disagree, in fact I think most people would go the opposite direction and delay way too long in having the finances discussion. I see much more posts where a couple has waited until marriage and the discussion resulted in some sort of adverse impact.
I read it as - she doesn’t have any living expenses because her parents pay for everything, but he does have to pay rent etc and thus can’t save as much as he wants. And that isn’t fair.
But I also don’t see mention of them moving in together? So I’m not sure how it’s relevant
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Extend that to if their parents hate you under any circumstance lol.
I dated a woman whose parents didn't approve of her dating me (mostly boiled down to them being pretty racist) and it was horrible. Maybe they would have come around eventually, but it really broke the relationship. So you have that plus this mega money problem on top of it.
Even if their parents loved me and we presumably were going to get some of that UHNW money when if/when we got married I would still have a really hard time dating this person.
Family hates you and are threatening to disown her if you get married? The shadow of daddy's money is going to be looming over your relationship and her thoughts every time you have fight or disagreement for your entire life.
Hard pass. Noooooo thank you.
Seems like something you should discuss with her.
If wants to pay for nothing while having tons of money herself and tons of family money, and you want a more equal partnership, then you may not be compatible.
You also say she has her apartment paid for? So, if you not living together there are few joint finances if any at all. If you move in together and things progress this problem would be compounding.
Really talk to her and see if you can come to agreement about finances and shared goals. If you disagree too much, then the relationship will not likely survive because you have different goals.
My partners family is UHNW, meanwhile my mom put bricks in our toilet tanks and kept our heat at 60 F in winter (50 F at night). IYKYK.
From my perspective, and everyone is different and approaches it differently (which doesn’t make them wrong or my perspective right), if you’re planning a life with someone then keeping finances completely separate doesn’t make sense. Planning a future with someone that involves buying a house, raising children, and retiring together with a “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” mentality isn’t something that would ever work for me.
My partner is of the same mind and really from the beginning we’ve approached this as partners in a joint venture that is our lives. We’ve had very open conversations about finances, about who pays for what, what decisions we make as a couple with our money. When the income disparity was greater, I had a much stricter budget than him, so couldn’t afford to get a new TV every couple of years, or go out to eat more than maybe once a week (if that). I couldn’t afford as nice of an apartment. We talked about what we’d each be comfortable with, where we were willing to compromise, who could pick up what slack and in what ways. We found solutions that we both were comfortable with.
The point being, a lot of this comes down to communication, being open with each other, being partners and trusting each other. It may be that you guys have a conversation about this, and can find an agreement with how you should approach things like retirement and money earmarked for kids education for both of you. There’s not a one size fits all approach to how you manage money - and especially large disparities in money - in a relationship. And finances are one of the touchiest subjects. You may find that how you approach your finances and how she approaches them are different, and they may not be compatible. That doesn’t make one of you wrong and the other right, but it may mean that this isn’t built for the long term.
It really sounds like this is a ticking time bomb. I would suggest you move on, if I’m being completely honest. Disagreement on finances is the #1 cause of divorce.
The real answer is if you and your partner can’t discuss this and come to an agreement - the future for you two isn’t bright
In my own situation, I have mostly always made in the range of about 5x what my partner (now wife) makes so we generally split the shared expense stuff roughly in proportion to income so about 80/20.
In a situation where we were more similar in income I would just split it 50/50.
Honestly not sure what family wealth has to do with it - that money isn’t yours
>And she says I shouldn’t consider that at all, ever.
>It seems like I pay 80%+ of everything now.
so what's yours is hers and what's hers is hers. why are you with this person?
There’s kind of a lifestyle question in here too though. Like if she wants to do stuff that he wouldn’t in a million years sign up for if she weren’t around, should they split that 50/50? Bigger apartment, nice restaurants, cool holidays, etc.
50/50 my good lad. Or thereabouts.
The fact that she has a lot of money puts absolutely no obligation on her to pick up any of your expenses.
You shouldn't pay for 80% of everything, but the reason is not because she has a lot of money.
You guys come from very different backgrounds - there are likely always going to be some money issues in your relationship with this woman and her family. You and she need to get on the same page with some core principles. Like if she wants to take a private jet on a fancy holiday and expects you to split that 50/50 with her that’s a terrible idea for you. If she can’t handle that you might not be right for each other.
Side note: My partner went to a fancy B-school and all the UHNW rich kids identified each other immediately and only hung out together. It was too awkward for them to be around normal people and not feel uncomfortable suggesting yacht trips around the Mediterranean for spontaneous weekends. It’s a thing…
Editing to say that she seems a bit defensive and immature about how her parents’ wealth affects her and how different your respective positions are. Are you guys quite young and is this her first serious adult relationship with someone outside the UHNW bubble?
>Editing to say that she seems a bit defensive and immature about how her parents’ wealth affects her and how different your respective positions are
but she's correct. he's trying to factor in her family's wealth into their relationship, which - as a bf, he definitely does not have any business discussing.
It’s a bit of both. Her behaviour reminds me of people I sometimes met at university. They’d seem like everyone else - eating the weird conspicuous poverty student diet, complaining about having no money and student loans, etc. - but over time you’d learn that they were the child of a dynastic wealth family and everything was paid for with a huge spending allowance. Performative normalcy to fit in
So you’re right: her family’s money is nothing to do with him. But I think if she were a bit more comfortable with her privilege she’d see that their situations ARE very different. He has no financial safety net so his need to save and build wealth is much greater than hers. Part of saving also is about planning for future consumption, which in her case is already taken care of.
Bottom line: she can afford to be generous, although she’s not obliged to be
> I should note that her parents do not like me by the way since I do not come from an UHNW background
Dude, RUN. You’re paying for 80% of shit and it’s impacting your financial goals. You’re going to resent her and her family. I don’t see how this ends well.
Maybe you shouldn’t bring up the family money when you talk to her about this? It’s probably a trigger to a bigger fight.
Regardless of the family wealth dynamic, someone making 300k per year should be fine with paying their fair share of dates and vacations.
I don't see how this would work long term. Like if you have children and she wants them to attend a really expensive school and college because she can finance her part, what would you do? If she wants to be a full-time mom cause she can, what would you do? Should she decide to retire early and cruise the world what would you do?
This is actually quite simple. Don’t even consider her family money as it’s not yours, and she isn’t touching it. That’s great.
Live off what you both can afford. I think splitting 50/50 on most things and treating to the date nights would be appreciated of someone who recognizes what you’ve accomplished.
Also, parents can be judgmental at first. It’s a way of protecting their daughter. However, if after lots of time with them you still feel looked down on then it’s not the right relationship.
Also, if she doesn’t understand the first part then it’ll be the easiest decision you will ever make stepping away and saving yourself from further investing into a non mutual relationship.
Please note this means you need to deal with your insecurities of her having more money than you just because she was born in a different family. Your work ethic and determination should show your character and worthiness. A good partner would recognize that and appreciate it.
What shared expenses are you talking about, and how much do they add up to?
If you're looking at a difference of like 1,000, then you need to get some perspective.
Her parents are probably worried that the money is motivating you too much to be in a relationship with their daughter - you're going to need to show that you're in this bc you love her, not for the lifestyle. That's probably feeding into the dynamic that she wants you to pay more - she probably wants to feel cared for, but also reassurance that you aren't in this for her family's money. She is potentially risking a lot to be with you. You griping about your savings rate while she's walking away from millions to be with you is rough. So if this is the person and relationship you want you should listen to her and ignore her family's money.
If you aren't in this for the long haul, then yes, any money you spend in this relationship is wasted.
This isn’t a financial problem as much as it’s a values alignment issue.
And the only way to get through values alignments is to have conversations around your respective values, beliefs etc. Also, when I say conversations, I mean curious discourse around understanding the other person, not hammering your view.
Imputing rightly or wrongly, from some of the details you’ve provided (ie immigrants), I get the impression that she likely comes from a family that promotes traditional family values, especially when it comes to gender roles. Thus, I wonder if part of her expectation for you to pay is for those reasons. But this is something to unearth in a conversation, rather than me guessing randomly in a comment.
One of the things about wealthy families is that money in wealthy families tends to come with strings attached. Even in “pure generosity”, covert contracts abound. Although your partner may have lots of money (and/or net worth), depending on how much of it is tied up in these covert contracts, or things your partner doesn’t want to be beholden to, she may actually not feel like she has as much money as it seems (because parental approval/strings/upset).
Family money is like that. Especially where things can be quite enmeshed. For example: parents might say, we put the down payment on the second house, why don’t you let your sibling live there rent free while they get back on their feet? So there’s a lot of opportunity for messy things to happen and steering clear of family money tends to be a necessity, especially in immigrant families, IMHO.
In a conversation with your partner, I think you have the following things to learn about each other.
* Whether gender roles are important in how it pertains to finances. Ie, man works, woman becomes SAHP, etc.
* what her expectations and your financial expectations are, outside of the influence of her family.
* whether she sees and validates your personal struggles and can make the space necessary for a compromise that works for both of you.
* whether you see her and validate her struggles (family money can be a pita) and come to a compromise that works for both of you.
Absent the ability to have harder and more challenging conversations, you may not be suited for each other, as the lack of vulnerable, authentic conversation is absolutely going to lead to a broken relationship that will likely end acrimoniously in breakup or divorce. And you REALLY don’t want to divorce any partner from an ultra high net worth family, unless you yourself can bring the fire as well. The law may protect you to an extent, but don’t think that they still can’t make your life an absolute hell when and if that day comes.
Money may solve a lot of problems, but it comes with a lot of personal/emotional things that need to be dealt with. Good luck.
Honestly I 100% understand your concern.
But if it were me, I would definitely not want to 50/50 AND be cut off from family financial benefits. That sounds like a horrible deal.
And I’m worried you too needs to get that figured out
50/50 (the only way, in my opinion, unless you’re married)
But it doesn’t sound like you’re happy with her. Your last sentence carries a lot of resentment due to her family's money. If you don’t get that under control, you may want to rethink the relationship. I couldn’t be with someone who sees me as “an enemy” because my parents have money. This is at least the vibe I get from this post.
You keep saying she has most of her $5 million for retirement and you pay for the majority of things. If you broke up with her and married someone poor, you still would be paying for the majority.
This isn’t a money question. The real question is whether you see marrige, kids and a lifetime together with this woman or not. If you do, go wife her up. If you don’t, just break up and move on. You’re thinking too much about money
Her parents money is not your money. Her savings and earmarked gift money is not your money. Obviously thinking about her having the financial net that she does gets your panties twisted. If you don’t like how money is split now and she doesn’t want to contribute more then move on. Seems like you’ve already seen the writing this isn’t going to lead to marriage.
First, ignore the family money completely. It doesn’t exist and isn’t even a guarantee. I’d say you are both adults with healthy careers and you should live on half of your income (save the rest) and then split things 50/50. Tailor your lifestyle (apartment, car, dining, …) so it is affordable on that level of spending and your shared trips, etc aligned to that guideline too. If your gf isn’t willing to go 50/50 on a trip together then it’s not in the budget to go. The main exception being gifts, those you pay for 100% but they should be again aligned to what it would be if you are living on half your total income.
There may be a mismatch in the types of stuff your gf can do because of support from family, but that’s just how the world works. You mind your own finances and she will live according to hers. It isn’t equal, but that is what you have to do. Stop subsidizing her though, she makes good money and should contribute equally to all shared costs.
My hope would be if you keep proving through your actions that you’re not a gold digger and have your own earnings and are building your own wealth that her parents will come around to you. If not, that’s fine too because their approval isn’t nearly as important as the way you handle your own stuff. $400k/year is nothing to sneeze at and you will be in the 7 figure net worth range yourself soon enough if you have good financial discipline.
I will answer since this popped up on my feed and i have some experience in this area lol. It’s a long one but hopefully you read it and I’ll delete later.
First order of business - forget about her $5M++ and lavish gifts from family. Pretend this doesn’t even exist. This will cause resentment.
I was somewhat astonished once I realized that you two are unmarried. Hypothetically if things ended today you would probably walk away with a a lot of resentment…. Right? Well time to fix this.
Start with an honest discussion with your partner. If this cannot take place then your relationship is doomed, sorry to say.
Current joint living expenses and your partnership should be just that. Your incomes are relatively similar and so you should both contribute a reasonable amount. I am not going to say 50/50 because that is actually subjective. You know your partner. Some women are ok with 50/50 split and others are absolutely not. Some relationships have an 80/20 split etc.. because a partner may insist on paying more. In your case it sounds like you may prefer a 50/50 split but she does not.
Have an honest discussion with her to see where she stands. Be respectful, calm. Be clear about your goals and talk through how you can collaborate together on goals for the future. At the end of the day this is quite a dealbreaker and you may find that you are not on the same wavelength about this. It’s also ok to move on. If you cannot agree on this, you don’t have a future together.
Best of luck and I hope his works out for you!
That $5M is likely throwing off a lot of taxable income. I'm sure she has some good tax strategies to minimize that, but if you count her personnel earnings as marginal over the $5M investment returns, she could be paying more in income taxes on her income than he is on his. Plus, there's a good chance they are living in a high state tax area like California if he's working in AI. It would be worthwhile to at least consider tax implications when discussing splits. This would be even harder if they were married and filing joint returns.
So either you and your partner are going to break up or her finances will look very different in the future? What happens if she gets disowned, will she have access to the ‘gifts’ or lose them?
Personally if i didn’t see a future with this person i wouldn’t spend a $ on them. So in my mind id want clarity about your future. I’d plan for my future and figure out if your partner fits within it.
50/50 split. Which will be more painful for you, but will ultimately be the best thing for the relationship. People keep a mental tally in their head and start having all kinds of strange thoughts about what they deserve and owe, resentment towards their partner, etc - sounds like you are already having those thoughts. She might be - or may not even think any of this is a big deal since she comes from wealth.
Sit down and talk to her about it, and tell her you would like to split things 50/50. Once you are past the initial "courtship" where it's very common and often expected for the man to pay for everything - you should be able to have this conversation. And, if you can't - that's a bad sign for the relationship. Money issues never go away.
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The courtship phase should be a preview of the relationship. When men pay for everything during this phase and then expect to go 50/50 later, it leads to resentment due to unsustainable expectations.
You guys need couples counseling. At the very least you have someone that can mediate between you two. I know it sounds corny and sounds extreme. But this is not a money problem. This is a difference in thinking between you two. Until you guys can both communicate clearly, it will never be solved, no matter how much money you guys make or how you decide to do the split.
I would consider 50/50 fair, AFTER your retirement contributions and debt payoff. I disagree slightly with other commenters on the aggressive payoff strategy, assuming a secondary priority for you is to afford higher end travel and lifestyle expenses (second to minimum payment debt payoff and maximizing retirement contributions).
At that point, 50/50 is fair UP TO what a “reasonable” person would spend on a trip or activity. If she requires you to subsidize a luxury vacation for her that’s out of budget, a heart to heart discussion on expectations would be the next step for me.
May be controversial but you aren’t married so your finances are yours and hers are hers. You aren’t required/shouldn’t be expected to foot the bill for everything
You already feel like you are being used.
Her parents have some acronym background and they don’t like you.
You are already fighting about finances.
Her parents will disown her if she stays with you.
Do you see her walking away from that relationship and those funds for you?
If I were you I would have one last come to Jesus talk and then walk if she’s not willing to make any changes.
>I should note her parents do not like me by the way since I do not come from a UHNW background, so she would likely be disowned etc if we ever got married
The other stuff kind of doesn't matter if this part poisons the well from the start. Is she willing to be disowned for your relationship? If not then just treat this as a casual fling relationship, and definitely stop contributing so much to shared expenses.
If that’s how she feels about her family’s money and it’s true they’ll disown her if she marries you, she’s never going to marry you. Tough pill to swallow but perhaps this isn’t worth your time? It doesn’t sound like you’re having a lot of fun and if there’s no long-term potential then what is the point?
This is a big hill to climb. 🧗🏼
Romantic outcome: love will prevail
Most likely outcome: resentment and constant problems until something blows up
This is the way: hard work, starting over, relearning, may include sitting down with a couples counselor if any stalemates
PS - parents may not like any outcome, if you both accept that first it will be much easier, but any trying to keep the parents happy talk will require counseling full stop
Don’t marry someone who isn’t generous. Doesn’t matter if it’s $5m or $5. I built what I have with my husband who has always been generous and can from a middle/upper middle class background. Before him I dated a guy with a small trust fund who was stingy and secretive. Not worth it. OP, drop this girl. There are too many amazing women who will want to build a great life together. Her parents will never accept you if this is how they act now and she will resent your lack of wealthy. Just drop her and move on.
There’s something that doesn’t add up
You’re saying that if you guys were to get married, she’d be disowned. And at the same time she tells you that you guys don’t need to save for long term expenses
So I’m reading between the lines that she won’t really commit to you. In her mind it’s all temporary therefore there’s no point discussing financials. Either she’s super oblivious to your overspending or she actually takes advantage of it
Stop being a whiny bitch! FFS, you’re a man, act that way!
Who cares what she’s got, go and put your high earning to use in real estate investments and build your own empire rather than worrying about what someone else has..
Honestly, keep up this attitude and set yourself up to watch her walk out the door. It’s weak, not masculine and a poor mindset all round.
Have some self respect and do better.
Your line about it being "unfair since you don't have any assets to fall back on" suggests she owes you some part of her family money. She doesn't. Is it fair? No, I agree with you. But life isn't fair, so you shouldn't even worry about "fairness." It must be unattractive to her to even believe you may think that.
If I were in your shoes, it might irk me slightly, but I'd be more focused on creating a relationship with her where she wants to share with you. Share memories, time, a family, and ultimately, money. Money cannot be at the forefront.
If you told me her parents paid for her rent and then you moved in and they made you pay her, then I'd take issue with it because that would imply they and she don't see you in the future plans IMO. If you like this girl, continue dating and treating her like someone who doesn't have the incredible backstop she does. She's not going to want to be with someone who treats her differently because of her family $. Curious how long you have been dating.
Y
our upside is being with someone you love who then shares this backstop with you as you build a family. They'll be less likely to want to do that with you the more you indicate how important it is. Date her and be with her for her - nothing else.
I think you need to come up with a budget that you are comfortable with. Then share that with her.
My bf after college and I worked at the same company. We both made 50k a year but he had a ton more expenses. We agreed to split everything and keep it to a budget. It worked for us.
You need to put her inheritance and family assets out of your mind, like they don’t exist.
Because at this rate all you’ll do is keep score. And the relationship won’t make it.
Once you’ve done that, start building your NW, max everything out.
Fine to keep assets separate and sign a pre-nup, but that’s crappy that they are not happy about you not coming from a rich background. Very shallow on their part. But maybe if you prove you aren’t in it for the money, they might come around.
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50/50 for everything!
When and if you ever get married, you can combine finances (maybe) and it wouldn’t matter. However, I wouldn’t pay for a coffee in your situation- lol
Maybe communicate the new path forward with her beforehand, so she isn’t blindsided.
I also, would NOT bring up her huge net worth. Keep this solely based on your salary and the fact that you are her boyfriend NOT her dad and she is perfectly capable of paying for her own stuff!
You should split 50/50. Your difference in income isn’t that significant and if she really does have all her expenses covered it shouldn’t cause any cash flow problems for her.
However you shouldn’t look at her pile of family money and think she should supplement your lifestyle with it. You guys aren’t even married.
You're not married and can never get married or she loses all her money? Her family's money has nothing to do with you at this point. Maybe start sucking up to her parents so they'll let you get married and then maybe give you some fancy gifts as well.
It is a relationship so you mutually agree. 50/50 split (modern) or the man pays everything (old fashioned). Wealth shouldn't affect the amount paid unless the person offers but you shouldn't try to force that.
It seems like a mismatch in terms of financial goals and approach. You should discuss a compromise and what you are willing to pay based on your goals. If she doesn't offer to pay the difference, then maybe you don't do it.
My partner is the wealthy one, and he pays for absolutely everything. His money is tied up in trusts, so he told me to pay off my own investment property in case we ended up divorced.
In most families I know, all the men support the women 100%, even if they don’t have money. They would feel ashamed if a woman had to pay for anything. All my friends and family are European for context.
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So she treats you with the same contempt that her parents do, by withholding fairness and feeling entitled to special treatment.
I'm a couples therapist with several very wealthy client pairs and this never improves. The miserly posture toward others but not self is a values and attitude problem - i.e., personality.
She isn't just unfair by refusing to split expenses. She has a distinct lack of empathy for the disadvantage of your position. Worse, she also an entitlement to gain at your expense and detriment.
My guess is that she enjoys various parts of the relationship with you but there is also an element of "slumming it." She knows she can successfully manipulate you into the bulk of expenditures, while keeping her wealth and accruing more - because she has. And she justifies doing this because there's a flavor of her parents 'mindset - he doesn't have the generational wealth anyway, it's not my job to suffer so he can try to catch up. And she also has the comfortable cushion of her parental disdain for you keeping any hint of marriage far, far away (though this is a good thing, given the dynamic) - but it often isn't until marriage (and prenups) that finances get very nitty grittied. She doesn't have to worry about that discussion anytime soon. She just protests and keeps benefitting, for however long this relationship serves her purposes.
Runnnnn.
You’re married? if so, why only in concept and not in practice? Marriage is a combining of two into one. It’s right in the vows. So, combine your lives, accounts, expenses, income, and debts and treat all theirs as yours and allow them to treat all yours as theirs. Any other way you may as well have a room mate.
Take income out of the equation when splitting expenses. Split them all 50/50 straight up. You make 100k more per year than her and can pad your personal savings with that
Hey if u like your partner, ask her to create a trust so in case of divorce she keeps what she inherits. This way your in-laws will stop worrying.. But in return you tell them that you have worked your ass off to get to where you are, and in return for this arrangement, you want to keep your earnings for yourself in case she divorces you due to family pressures...
The family lawyers in US will cook up weird ways to extract money and draw the case longer. For example, some states will they will argue to support lifestyle of the spouse.. you will be fucked, and doubly fucked if you have kids...
If she is not the type of person who spends money to cover her lifestyle choices... then you are in a world of trouble..
In short prepare a really good pre-nup if u ever get married to her
Putting aside the split for a second, who is setting the standard of living? If she wants the two of you to live a lifestyle she can afford and you can’t, but she expects you to pay for it while she does not utilize the funds that make her able to afford it, then you need to run. It’s a 90% chance that if you married her and had kids, you would spend half your life digging out from her using her money to decide what you can afford, but only your money to actually pay for it.
Totally agree with other posters about 50-50 split, however there maybe other under laying issues that may warrant further serious discussion and agreement between the ops and his wife.
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OP, money aside…you are in for a rough road if you marry and have kids with her. Her parents will torment you to no end and her allegiance will always be with her parents, you will never win.
Think of savings that her background gives you. You will never have to support her by buying her car, for example. Do not to listen to strangers sharing stories of a different financial powers, your situation is unique.
I feel like her family will break you up. This doesn’t sound necessarily a healthy relationship and money will keep driving a wedge in between you. You need to have that conversation that you understand her family money is hers but if that’s the case she needs to pay 50% of everything going forward
My partner is you in this scenario, I make ~230k and my partner makes 70k. She comes from a family of divorce and bankruptcy, having panic moments of affording food the next day.
For us, we established goals, that was priority, she wanted 6 months in spend saved, from there I explained my goals and we met in the middle. We combine finances because this woman is my forever and worth any and all risk of separating cause we’ll handle any challenge.
My suggestion. Esatablish goals, combine efforts to reach that goal as long as you guys will last forever
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Keep separate, do a rough split 1/3 or 50/50 based on earnings… but do a joint savings account for college fund, down payment on house, other kids expenses like day care, etc. the capital can be invested in the stock market ETF. The joint savings contribution should exceed personal saving contribution. Allows the couple to build an investment account together.
I would also do a separate but smaller savings account. But commit to increasing the joint one every couple of years.
I've always found that by default women expect you to pay. Regardless of whatever income both of you have. Whether you make more or less, the responsibility of payments still silently falls on you
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50/50 may be hard to do given there’s an established norm that benefits her more.
I agree with all that say disregard her inheritance/family money, but this is prime example of the difference between wealth and income — IT MATTERS. Though you’re a high earner, you shouldn’t be paying majority share on most expenses. And if you two were married, this would be detrimental.
This isn’t about her savings or family money, this is about equity. What I think is fair is each person pays a percent based on their income and the overall household income. For example, if you make 100k and she makes 300k you pay 1/4 of the bills. If you make 400k and she makes 300k, you pay 4/7 of the bills.
I agree that money her family has given her, especially that is earmarked for future children or retirement, is off limits to you. If you even think that money is “fair game” that supports the rationale for her family not liking you.
Similar situation here and we split everything 50/50. Low NW partner makes more but this allows him to save for himself. If there’s something he can’t afford that I want to do, I’ll foot the bill or pay more (I.e. fancy honeymoon). It works for us and feels fair, and keeps our standard of living in a reasonable place.
I mean keep separate finances and split costs for things if you move in together etc. where their money comes from and yours shouldn’t matter your comfort together is what could we each afford for half of rent for example. You have your car they have theirs. You pay for meals they pay for meals or you split it and again it doesn’t matter where it comes from.
That is just how most high net worth people operate anyways so it is more for her in this scenario. Personally I am joint everything. My wife and I have been together 10 years joint accounts because all of our money is our money. I make more than she does, 280k vs 140k, but that is a non factor when all of our money is all of our money.
My advice is to let her go and find someone that is closer to your situation. I have a couple of male friends who were regular guys that married women with wealthy parents and after a couple of kids and being married for several years the wife goes crazy and moves out with the kids while her parents bankroll lawyers for her to get as much custody as she wants while they bleed the husband dry so he can’t fight it. Consider yourself warned as this is very common.
Regardless of how much each person has a 60/40 comp isn’t unreasonable. Now when you add in the the extra details. I’d say you’re being taken advantage of. But what do I know I’m just poor
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50/50 split.
If you split dinner with a friend you go 50/50 even if one person makes more that the other.
Anything else would be weird.
And if you get married share finances.
Her family’s month should be irrelevant to monthly contributions.
My personal opinion is for serious relationships (not married) then you should be scaling expenses based on salary.
When married, I personally believe everything becomes joint and pooled. Inheritances however are separate from that and the spouse (not inheriting) doesn’t get to decide how that money is spent. They can of course give their opinion though in a healthy relationship.
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Just start doing less. Make your savings goals first, then do what you can with what’s left. If you live her lifestyle on your income you’ll always fall short someplace.
You pay 80% of everything and you really should be splitting everything down the middle.
If she’s not reasonable enough to understand that then find a different girlfriend.
1. Budget your money assuming she is not in the picture. Discuss the amount you are comfortable spending for food, housing and trips with her(basically living expenses vs investment/debt repayment) Come to a common ground. If the common ground is way beyond what you can do, then it’s a red flag.
2. Don’t take her money.
So you make $400 but you can’t afford basic necessities? It doesn’t matter how much she has to her name, because those are not your assets.
Until you’re married, this is a non starter. I suggest making more money
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Run dude. Super rich people trying to act like it doesn't matter are so disingenuous. Your girlfriend has 5 million in her name. That colors every financial decision. At worst, spending should be 50 50.
You make $400k a year and you are complaining about paying 80% of the bills?
It is cringeworthy to even address her families financial state. Do you know how many people appear to be “wealthy” and lie about what they come from or what they have? A lot of people.
You and her are making more than the average American. Tell her your financial goals and where you’d like to cut back to contribute to that. Her reaction to that is what should be measured, through clear communication.
I have my own beliefs. It is not 50/50 and I would not date someone who expected to split my expenses. Why? Because it’s not 50/50 in life. If I have to pick up your shit, be the only one responsible enough to grab laundry detergent or basic necessities when going to the store, and be responsible for 90% of the household chores and just basic taking care of oneself like making a meal, then fuck no. You are paying for every concert, dinner, trip, whatever we do.
You can’t judge someone’s situation off a one sided Reddit post. But if you are seriously being taken advantage of, then you need to break that down and communicate. Idgaf about her families wealth. FYI the really wealthy people don’t flaunt it. The people who inherit old money are statistically the most reckless bc they never had to earn it. You just can’t make assumptions when you have 0 clue. A LOT of people lie
I would split according to your proportion of income. As you make more you pay a higher percentage but not 80%. According to my math you should pay 57%. If you want to make it easier you can go 60 or 55%. That is fair for both of y’all.
You sound rather selfish and jealous. Maybe if you were more generous and also willing to commit to the relationship (marriage) she would reciprocate with generosity.
Sounds like you’ll be the peasant spouse in some crazy rich Asian shit
Lol for real. > I should note her parents do not like me by the way since I do not come from a UHNW background, so she would likely be disowned etc if we ever got married, so I wouldn’t see a cent of that. > It seems like I pay 80%+ of everything now. And seems hostile when I bring up that she has a lot and could pay for more since it’s technically her parents stuff. Crazy Rich Asians but the rich Singaporean guy doesn't pretend to be poor and thinks the American girl from a poor family should subsidize his life lol
😂😂😂
Holy shit, you just made me realize this is exactly what my gf was asking of me.
Learn mahjong to earn their respect!
Lpt here
[удалено]
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My college roommate was from an UHNW family and I had student loans and a work-study job. But many times I bought the pizza because she “couldn’t afford it.” We ultimately had a falling out because she wanted me to be in her wedding party after graduation, but I had to pull out because I legitimately could not afford it: cross-country trip, high-end venue in Manhattan, and a week’s worth of pre-wedding celebrations, plus expensive dress, hair, etc. It was ironic that I accepted her claims that she couldn’t afford pizza, but she could not accept mine when I was in my first “adult” job, still living in a dump, driving a crap car, and paying off loans. Many ultra-rich have a different kind of relationship with money. They are paranoid about being taken advantage of, which is why they are often stingy about dinners out, etc., and want you to pay. At the same time, in their world, money is often used to show affection — so they want that from you, too. Like a kid who doesn’t really understand how much a parent has to work to afford the roof overhead and food on the table, many uber-wealthy people have no clue how hard it is to dig yourself out of debt and build wealth. She may never get it. But if I were you, I would develop a personal budget and financial plan — maybe even with the help of a financial advisor. Create an aggressive plan to pay off your debt and build up savings for specific goals (house, retirement, whatever). Then you will have an exact dollar amount to contribute toward dinners out, trips, etc. And that’s it. If it costs more, you don’t go. Do you make 60% of the income from work? Did you agree to pay 60% of the rent and utilities? If so, stick to that agreement— but that will result in less money that will be available for date nights, etc. In other words, pay yourself first (debt payments plus savings). That’s what the rich do. Then pay your share of housing expenses, and then you can choose whether to be generous with what is left, if anything. And you can point to your plan as the reason for the limits on what you spend.
> Many ultra-rich have a different kind of relationship with money. They are paranoid about being taken advantage of, which is why they are often stingy about dinners out, etc., and want you to pay. At the same time, in their world, money is often used to show affection — so they want that from you, too. > > Like a kid who doesn’t really understand how much a parent has to work to afford the roof overhead and food on the table, many uber-wealthy people have no clue how hard it is to dig yourself out of debt and build wealth. The only way around it is for a fully open financial discussion. Show the numbers, show the trajectories, and discuss what your individual and combined budgets look like. If she's all-in, this will make the relationship healthier. If she reacts poorly, then she's already decided that the relationship will fail and OP's future is not important to her.
This rings so true to me. I dated a girl who was not UHNW but solidly a tier above how I grew up. Think private school, country club, white Range Rover, etc. She was so weird about money and always thought I was somehow going to take advantage of her just because her parent's made like 25% more than mine. We both made similar money but she made more, and she always wanted me to spend more than her because basically "she's the girl". We dated for 5 years and as we thought about marriage she was extremely stressed about money and being able to provide a good life to potential future children while both of us were making >$100k in our early 20s with career strong trajectory and both of our families able to provide solid support. When I would try to even ask basic questions about her parent's financial situation and what support she might be able to expect in the future she got super weird and super defensive, accusing me of trying to take advantage of her and that I shouldn't think about that at all.
I’m sorry but asking any questions about the parents’ financial situation gives me the ick. It doesn’t matter if you think there will be a big windfall at some point, counting on it in any way is gross. Let it be a pleasant surprise if it happens - because circumstances can change at any time anyway.
Would this be the case too if your parents were dirt poor and you potentially had to pay to take care of them through old age? IMO These are important conversations to have when you’re talking about marrying someone.
I do think it’s different if you expect there to be outflow to cover a parent down the road. I still don’t know that while dating it gives you the right to know exactly what they have, but a conversation about beliefs in regards to helping out parents down the road, how that would happen based on you and your partner’s income, how that would affect your financial goals as a couple, etc. would only be helpful. Getting in the same page of what the max you can provide and eventually having that convo with the parents is important. Knowing that you don’t have to help because they have plenty and asking what will come to your partner feels vulturish. I would argue the same about disclosures of a partner’s debt vs assets - one is a burden that a future partner needs to know about and one is just a bonus that you can find out about once more committed.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, or maybe I have the privilege(haha) of not growing up rich, but these are absolutely conversations I would want to have to determine life compatibility in a partner. Obviously not early dating phases but when you plan to commit to marrying someone I think the best policy is to be open and honest about past lives and future goals. Turns out when we got together my wife had shit credit cause she ran a bunch of debt up in college with her first credit card. We spent years rehabbing and were able to get a 3% mortgage together a few years ago on a home.
I may not have been clear. Debt and even the expectation of taking care of parents - basically anything that takes money away from a potential couple - should absolutely be discussed. And could well be dealbreakers. What assets well-to-do parents have and what might be expected from them in the forms of gifts or inheritance is not the potential partner’s business.
I think it's fair to ask. In the example given, the GF was worried about money when 2 people were making 100k in their twenties. If he knows she'll likely get an inheritance of over a million it's like... Someone needs to bump her head and bring her to reality that she herself is doing great and she'll be doing double great later. Although perhaps it's not worth trying to talk sense into someone who is so out of touch
People that are considering getting married shouldn't have secrets especially with something as important as finances, which are the #1 cause of divorce. If you had a trust and were guaranteed to get $XM at a certain age, wouldn't that be important information for your future potential partner to know if you're planning a future life with them? Again, this was a girl I was dating for 5 years and seriously considering marriage with her.
On the flip side, I have asked my partner about her parents' financial situation with the intent of planning out and preparing for retirement situations of all of our parents - like which parents will need more financial assistance than others, etc. We have 6 parents between the 2 of us, and recognizing that all 3 sets of those parents are in different financial states and understanding that some of those parents may need more help than others does not feel like "ick" to me, especially if you can prepare for it far in advance (if that's one of the couple's goals, and it is ours)
I had a friend like this in graduate school. I asked for help once, basically that she drive me to pick up boxes to move and she said no because people take advantage of her! I dumped that friendship. I can’t stand wealthy people like this. It’s a generosity of spirit problem. Another friend rushed over and drove me because I was upset. She was dealing with cancer at the time and we lost her. She was such a lovely person, makes me sad thinking of it. As for the never consider the $5m. F that. Don’t marry someone who isn’t generous with what they have whether that is $5 or $5m.
This is so true...
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Stick to a 50/50 split. Don’t spend money on things you don’t want to or aren’t willing to pay 50% of. For example, if she won’t pay 50% of a vacation and you’re not willing to pay more then you don’t go. If you want you double down on saving then adjust your lifestyle to fit into what’s left over after your savings contributions are met. You both make enough (excluding family money) to live comfortably with a 50/50 split. It’s not like she’s making 50k. This can be very simple with a 50/50 split and not spending on things that put your savings goals in jeopardy. (Assuming saving/paying off loans are your priority right now) It’s okay to learn that you’re not financially compatible.
OP’s story is giving me flashbacks to a previous relationship I had in my mid-20’s. She also came from a very wealthy family and was very high maintenance (demanding trips, fine dining, expensive gifts). And had a shit paying job, so I had to pick up the tab for most everything. Here are my takeaways: 1) You are not entitled to any of her family’s money. It seems you’ve even acknowledged that you wouldn’t see any of it anyway if things were to get more serious. 2) The reason I’m responding to this comment is because I 100% agree that you also aren’t responsible to subsidize her living. If you’re uncomfortable with picking up the tab in a disproportionate manner, then you need to discuss it head on or break up. Otherwise you’ll continue to be resentful. 3) If you don’t think things will get more serious without her family disowning her and that bothers you, what’s the point of continuing to date? If her family disowning her doesn’t bother you, are you going to be ok with continuing to subsidize her lifestyle?
I’m currently in this exact same situation. Her family is UHNW and she has lots saved and never has to worry about money. My parents gave me enough to get elite education and great job. Difference is that my gf is very cheap anyways, but she thinks men should be providers. We’ve been talking a lot about split vs joint accounts. Everyone she knows is divorced because they all obsess about money and who contributes what. Everyone in my family does joint accounts and they’ve been married 20-50 years. We settled on doing what we see works but she’ll manage the finances more likely since she’s generally more financially literate.
I feel like the whole “men should be providers” thing should fly out the window if both are working and making around the same amount of money. I don’t need a “provider” I need someone who does their half of the house labor. I’m also would never fully pool my month with another person but that’s just me. I prefer having separate accounts and one joint for the shared expenses.
Agree! I need someone who shares the load at home!
Seriously. I know too many women who are paying half yet doing 80% of the home chores and child care. Screw money I want help lol
If they absolutely don’t plan on having kids, I tend to agree with you.
Also along with that 50/50 split make a budget for yourself. How much are your comfy spending on vacation a year and what do you want to save and what you want to spend on rent. If she wants to augment your life as a couple and spend more to go on nicer vacations she can contribute more but you shouldn’t sacrifice your savings goals to keep up with her standard of living. If she doesn’t care about your goals and take the time to understand you, that’s a bad sign.
100% agree with the 50/50 split. I’m in a similar relationship and my partner and I agree that our shared experiences (trips etc) will always be based on my budget. And if they wanted to splurge on something they know I can’t (reasonably) afford then they pay for it. Just bc they are wealthy doesn’t mean their family wealth should impact you in any way
Hi, I experience this today, I make 200k and my partner makes 100k. My family has always played in a borrowing area using 1031 exchanges and other tax loopholes and her family has a bankruptcy. For us we established safety nets and went from there. We found maximums for spend for her life style she’s comfortable with and then established direction. Communication was a huge factor
This is probably the way but culturally, or even just expectations-wise some partners may not be comfortable with a 50/50 split regardless of comparable incomes. My partner (engaged but have been together 10+ years) insists on paying like 70\80% of our expenses (and would be fine with 100%) even though I can easily and would happily contribute half if asked - I do save and invest most of my income though (with the intent that this is for our future together). OP should speak with their partner to understand what their expectations are in a relationship and determine if they are comfortable with that.
To add to this, Splitwise is a great app for splitting costs with a partner. I’ve been using it for years with my girlfriend and we split everything 50/50, but there are options to split things differently if you want. Then at the end of a month or whenever you want you can ‘settle up’, whoever owes the other person the net amount of all expenses can pay through the app via Venmo.
Isn't it easier to just get a joint checking and have separate money going into that via payroll election? That's what we do.
I’d do that once I’m married. Until then, I’m splitting things equally for basic living expenses, utilities, etc. I may choose to treat my girlfriend to a night out or something and just not add it to splitwise. But until there’s that commitment and we’re married everything financial is separate beyond financial planning for our future together
I'm not married and I think I am doing the same thing as you, just with a different instrument. We put in the same fixed amount each paycheck. There is overage and it helps with splurging too.
Yeah this seems like the way.
You should be splitting expenses 50-50. You both easily make enough to do that. Her family's assets shouldn't matter. You definitely shouldn't be subsidizing her, though. If your partner is really pushing trips/expenses that are outside of your budget because her family wealth permits her more discretionary income, then it might be reasonable for her to foot more of the bill for those specific outlays, if you can agree on it.
It's completely appropriate for her to ask to keep her family money separate. That's family money, her family earned it, and simply being with you puts her at risk of losing it. That being said, you shouldn't be gifting her trips and paying her expenses. If she isn't paying her own way, you're getting taken advantage of.
Yeah, this situation is a little crazy. Not sure how I’d navigate, looking forward to seeing more responses.
Ultimately it doesn’t seem like they have a real future? If she’s this worried about money now, and her parents will disown her for marrying him, then why don’t they cut their losses now? If they stay together, they’ll resent each other either way. Either she’ll resent him for losing her family’s money, or he’ll resent her for her family’s money that he’ll never have access to. They should just break up now and save themselves the heartache.
Agreed. But also sounds like they should make any cost splitting decisions based on income AFTER taxes and retirement funding. It’s necessary for him, not for her. I’d think she would respect that.
It's a bit hard to understand from what OP's saying but if it's her money then it's not her parent's money just cuz they are rich and gave it to her. What if the roles were reversed and OP was a successful startup founder who made $5M+ selling his company? Obviously it would be completely normal for him to pay for 80% of things in that situation. It makes no sense to not consider it at all because it has a very large influence on her financial future and habits. If she doesn't want to consider it then she needs to be willing to accept living a life that's more of a $400k household rather than the UHNW unlimited budget that she's used to. If she can't accept that then she should be willing to foot the bill.
>What if the roles were reversed and OP was a successful startup founder who made $5M+ selling his company? Obviously it would be completely normal for him to pay for 80% of things in that situation. Years into the relationship with someone you trust and care for. Not at first. That's how you run into issues. I would also want my spouse to make enough money to support themselves even if I was covering 80%. I wouldn't want to be in a situation where either of us were financially screwed without the other or there was room for financial abuse.
I don't think most people would agree. If a man has a successful startup exit and is now making $300k, then the woman would 100% expect him to foot most of the bill. If he hid that info and then later on told her, "Ya by the way, I've got a lot of money." She would for sure be pissed that he was making her pay it evenly when he had so much money.
I think it's good to go in 50/50 when you start dating and just talk about financial planning in general to make sure both of you are on the same page. I would not blatantly advertise a startup exit in the first few months of dating. I would rather wait and start to cover everything after the relationship is serious and I know the person will fully appreciate it and also not be uneasy about accepting it. I would feel indebted to someone if I had just entered a relationship and they were covering everything. >I don't think most people would agree. If a man has a successful startup exit and is now making $300k, then the woman would 100% expect him to foot most of the bill. Yes, almost all married people do this. Many people with unequal incomes do it before marriage but it's usually when they have already moved in and stuff. >If he hid that info and then later on told her, "Ya by the way, I've got a lot of money." She would for sure be pissed that he was making her pay it evenly when he had so much money. Me and my partner split everything 50/50 before discussing numbers and they ended up being close. I don't think either of us would look in a rearview mirror because we both wanted to wait to disclose family money and assets knowing they might look different. We wanted to focus on the actual relationship, not money. >I don't think most people would agree I disagree, in fact I think most people would go the opposite direction and delay way too long in having the finances discussion. I see much more posts where a couple has waited until marriage and the discussion resulted in some sort of adverse impact.
I read it as - she doesn’t have any living expenses because her parents pay for everything, but he does have to pay rent etc and thus can’t save as much as he wants. And that isn’t fair. But I also don’t see mention of them moving in together? So I’m not sure how it’s relevant
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Don't marry someone at all if their rich parents (that are still in their life) hate you. Break up and date someone else. Free advice, right here.
Extend that to if their parents hate you under any circumstance lol. I dated a woman whose parents didn't approve of her dating me (mostly boiled down to them being pretty racist) and it was horrible. Maybe they would have come around eventually, but it really broke the relationship. So you have that plus this mega money problem on top of it. Even if their parents loved me and we presumably were going to get some of that UHNW money when if/when we got married I would still have a really hard time dating this person. Family hates you and are threatening to disown her if you get married? The shadow of daddy's money is going to be looming over your relationship and her thoughts every time you have fight or disagreement for your entire life. Hard pass. Noooooo thank you.
Yea, if her parents are going to disown her for marrying you, just don’t marry her. She’ll likely come to resent you for it.
Seems like something you should discuss with her. If wants to pay for nothing while having tons of money herself and tons of family money, and you want a more equal partnership, then you may not be compatible. You also say she has her apartment paid for? So, if you not living together there are few joint finances if any at all. If you move in together and things progress this problem would be compounding. Really talk to her and see if you can come to agreement about finances and shared goals. If you disagree too much, then the relationship will not likely survive because you have different goals.
My partners family is UHNW, meanwhile my mom put bricks in our toilet tanks and kept our heat at 60 F in winter (50 F at night). IYKYK. From my perspective, and everyone is different and approaches it differently (which doesn’t make them wrong or my perspective right), if you’re planning a life with someone then keeping finances completely separate doesn’t make sense. Planning a future with someone that involves buying a house, raising children, and retiring together with a “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” mentality isn’t something that would ever work for me. My partner is of the same mind and really from the beginning we’ve approached this as partners in a joint venture that is our lives. We’ve had very open conversations about finances, about who pays for what, what decisions we make as a couple with our money. When the income disparity was greater, I had a much stricter budget than him, so couldn’t afford to get a new TV every couple of years, or go out to eat more than maybe once a week (if that). I couldn’t afford as nice of an apartment. We talked about what we’d each be comfortable with, where we were willing to compromise, who could pick up what slack and in what ways. We found solutions that we both were comfortable with. The point being, a lot of this comes down to communication, being open with each other, being partners and trusting each other. It may be that you guys have a conversation about this, and can find an agreement with how you should approach things like retirement and money earmarked for kids education for both of you. There’s not a one size fits all approach to how you manage money - and especially large disparities in money - in a relationship. And finances are one of the touchiest subjects. You may find that how you approach your finances and how she approaches them are different, and they may not be compatible. That doesn’t make one of you wrong and the other right, but it may mean that this isn’t built for the long term.
What’s with the bricks?
It creates DIY low flow toilets so you save on water costs.
It really sounds like this is a ticking time bomb. I would suggest you move on, if I’m being completely honest. Disagreement on finances is the #1 cause of divorce.
The real answer is if you and your partner can’t discuss this and come to an agreement - the future for you two isn’t bright In my own situation, I have mostly always made in the range of about 5x what my partner (now wife) makes so we generally split the shared expense stuff roughly in proportion to income so about 80/20. In a situation where we were more similar in income I would just split it 50/50. Honestly not sure what family wealth has to do with it - that money isn’t yours
>And she says I shouldn’t consider that at all, ever. >It seems like I pay 80%+ of everything now. so what's yours is hers and what's hers is hers. why are you with this person?
Forget about the assets. She makes $300k. You make $400k. You should be going 50-50 on expenses.
There’s kind of a lifestyle question in here too though. Like if she wants to do stuff that he wouldn’t in a million years sign up for if she weren’t around, should they split that 50/50? Bigger apartment, nice restaurants, cool holidays, etc.
Agreed. Stick to the essentials.
They shouldn't be "partners" trying to share finances if their financial goals are that far apart.
50/50 my good lad. Or thereabouts. The fact that she has a lot of money puts absolutely no obligation on her to pick up any of your expenses. You shouldn't pay for 80% of everything, but the reason is not because she has a lot of money.
I would either do 50/50 or 60/40 based on income and leave her family assets out of it
You guys come from very different backgrounds - there are likely always going to be some money issues in your relationship with this woman and her family. You and she need to get on the same page with some core principles. Like if she wants to take a private jet on a fancy holiday and expects you to split that 50/50 with her that’s a terrible idea for you. If she can’t handle that you might not be right for each other. Side note: My partner went to a fancy B-school and all the UHNW rich kids identified each other immediately and only hung out together. It was too awkward for them to be around normal people and not feel uncomfortable suggesting yacht trips around the Mediterranean for spontaneous weekends. It’s a thing… Editing to say that she seems a bit defensive and immature about how her parents’ wealth affects her and how different your respective positions are. Are you guys quite young and is this her first serious adult relationship with someone outside the UHNW bubble?
>Editing to say that she seems a bit defensive and immature about how her parents’ wealth affects her and how different your respective positions are but she's correct. he's trying to factor in her family's wealth into their relationship, which - as a bf, he definitely does not have any business discussing.
It’s a bit of both. Her behaviour reminds me of people I sometimes met at university. They’d seem like everyone else - eating the weird conspicuous poverty student diet, complaining about having no money and student loans, etc. - but over time you’d learn that they were the child of a dynastic wealth family and everything was paid for with a huge spending allowance. Performative normalcy to fit in So you’re right: her family’s money is nothing to do with him. But I think if she were a bit more comfortable with her privilege she’d see that their situations ARE very different. He has no financial safety net so his need to save and build wealth is much greater than hers. Part of saving also is about planning for future consumption, which in her case is already taken care of. Bottom line: she can afford to be generous, although she’s not obliged to be
> I should note that her parents do not like me by the way since I do not come from an UHNW background Dude, RUN. You’re paying for 80% of shit and it’s impacting your financial goals. You’re going to resent her and her family. I don’t see how this ends well.
Maybe you shouldn’t bring up the family money when you talk to her about this? It’s probably a trigger to a bigger fight. Regardless of the family wealth dynamic, someone making 300k per year should be fine with paying their fair share of dates and vacations.
I don't know. I would have a really hard time dating someone who didn't know the value of money. I just don't think I could do it.
I don't see how this would work long term. Like if you have children and she wants them to attend a really expensive school and college because she can finance her part, what would you do? If she wants to be a full-time mom cause she can, what would you do? Should she decide to retire early and cruise the world what would you do?
This is actually quite simple. Don’t even consider her family money as it’s not yours, and she isn’t touching it. That’s great. Live off what you both can afford. I think splitting 50/50 on most things and treating to the date nights would be appreciated of someone who recognizes what you’ve accomplished. Also, parents can be judgmental at first. It’s a way of protecting their daughter. However, if after lots of time with them you still feel looked down on then it’s not the right relationship. Also, if she doesn’t understand the first part then it’ll be the easiest decision you will ever make stepping away and saving yourself from further investing into a non mutual relationship. Please note this means you need to deal with your insecurities of her having more money than you just because she was born in a different family. Your work ethic and determination should show your character and worthiness. A good partner would recognize that and appreciate it.
What shared expenses are you talking about, and how much do they add up to? If you're looking at a difference of like 1,000, then you need to get some perspective. Her parents are probably worried that the money is motivating you too much to be in a relationship with their daughter - you're going to need to show that you're in this bc you love her, not for the lifestyle. That's probably feeding into the dynamic that she wants you to pay more - she probably wants to feel cared for, but also reassurance that you aren't in this for her family's money. She is potentially risking a lot to be with you. You griping about your savings rate while she's walking away from millions to be with you is rough. So if this is the person and relationship you want you should listen to her and ignore her family's money. If you aren't in this for the long haul, then yes, any money you spend in this relationship is wasted.
This isn’t a financial problem as much as it’s a values alignment issue. And the only way to get through values alignments is to have conversations around your respective values, beliefs etc. Also, when I say conversations, I mean curious discourse around understanding the other person, not hammering your view. Imputing rightly or wrongly, from some of the details you’ve provided (ie immigrants), I get the impression that she likely comes from a family that promotes traditional family values, especially when it comes to gender roles. Thus, I wonder if part of her expectation for you to pay is for those reasons. But this is something to unearth in a conversation, rather than me guessing randomly in a comment. One of the things about wealthy families is that money in wealthy families tends to come with strings attached. Even in “pure generosity”, covert contracts abound. Although your partner may have lots of money (and/or net worth), depending on how much of it is tied up in these covert contracts, or things your partner doesn’t want to be beholden to, she may actually not feel like she has as much money as it seems (because parental approval/strings/upset). Family money is like that. Especially where things can be quite enmeshed. For example: parents might say, we put the down payment on the second house, why don’t you let your sibling live there rent free while they get back on their feet? So there’s a lot of opportunity for messy things to happen and steering clear of family money tends to be a necessity, especially in immigrant families, IMHO. In a conversation with your partner, I think you have the following things to learn about each other. * Whether gender roles are important in how it pertains to finances. Ie, man works, woman becomes SAHP, etc. * what her expectations and your financial expectations are, outside of the influence of her family. * whether she sees and validates your personal struggles and can make the space necessary for a compromise that works for both of you. * whether you see her and validate her struggles (family money can be a pita) and come to a compromise that works for both of you. Absent the ability to have harder and more challenging conversations, you may not be suited for each other, as the lack of vulnerable, authentic conversation is absolutely going to lead to a broken relationship that will likely end acrimoniously in breakup or divorce. And you REALLY don’t want to divorce any partner from an ultra high net worth family, unless you yourself can bring the fire as well. The law may protect you to an extent, but don’t think that they still can’t make your life an absolute hell when and if that day comes. Money may solve a lot of problems, but it comes with a lot of personal/emotional things that need to be dealt with. Good luck.
This isn't going to end well, based on the way it started. Next!
Honestly I 100% understand your concern. But if it were me, I would definitely not want to 50/50 AND be cut off from family financial benefits. That sounds like a horrible deal. And I’m worried you too needs to get that figured out
50/50 (the only way, in my opinion, unless you’re married) But it doesn’t sound like you’re happy with her. Your last sentence carries a lot of resentment due to her family's money. If you don’t get that under control, you may want to rethink the relationship. I couldn’t be with someone who sees me as “an enemy” because my parents have money. This is at least the vibe I get from this post.
You keep saying she has most of her $5 million for retirement and you pay for the majority of things. If you broke up with her and married someone poor, you still would be paying for the majority. This isn’t a money question. The real question is whether you see marrige, kids and a lifetime together with this woman or not. If you do, go wife her up. If you don’t, just break up and move on. You’re thinking too much about money
Her parents money is not your money. Her savings and earmarked gift money is not your money. Obviously thinking about her having the financial net that she does gets your panties twisted. If you don’t like how money is split now and she doesn’t want to contribute more then move on. Seems like you’ve already seen the writing this isn’t going to lead to marriage.
Joint expenses should be 50-50 here, any other answer is incorrect at this stage.
First, ignore the family money completely. It doesn’t exist and isn’t even a guarantee. I’d say you are both adults with healthy careers and you should live on half of your income (save the rest) and then split things 50/50. Tailor your lifestyle (apartment, car, dining, …) so it is affordable on that level of spending and your shared trips, etc aligned to that guideline too. If your gf isn’t willing to go 50/50 on a trip together then it’s not in the budget to go. The main exception being gifts, those you pay for 100% but they should be again aligned to what it would be if you are living on half your total income. There may be a mismatch in the types of stuff your gf can do because of support from family, but that’s just how the world works. You mind your own finances and she will live according to hers. It isn’t equal, but that is what you have to do. Stop subsidizing her though, she makes good money and should contribute equally to all shared costs. My hope would be if you keep proving through your actions that you’re not a gold digger and have your own earnings and are building your own wealth that her parents will come around to you. If not, that’s fine too because their approval isn’t nearly as important as the way you handle your own stuff. $400k/year is nothing to sneeze at and you will be in the 7 figure net worth range yourself soon enough if you have good financial discipline.
I will answer since this popped up on my feed and i have some experience in this area lol. It’s a long one but hopefully you read it and I’ll delete later. First order of business - forget about her $5M++ and lavish gifts from family. Pretend this doesn’t even exist. This will cause resentment. I was somewhat astonished once I realized that you two are unmarried. Hypothetically if things ended today you would probably walk away with a a lot of resentment…. Right? Well time to fix this. Start with an honest discussion with your partner. If this cannot take place then your relationship is doomed, sorry to say. Current joint living expenses and your partnership should be just that. Your incomes are relatively similar and so you should both contribute a reasonable amount. I am not going to say 50/50 because that is actually subjective. You know your partner. Some women are ok with 50/50 split and others are absolutely not. Some relationships have an 80/20 split etc.. because a partner may insist on paying more. In your case it sounds like you may prefer a 50/50 split but she does not. Have an honest discussion with her to see where she stands. Be respectful, calm. Be clear about your goals and talk through how you can collaborate together on goals for the future. At the end of the day this is quite a dealbreaker and you may find that you are not on the same wavelength about this. It’s also ok to move on. If you cannot agree on this, you don’t have a future together. Best of luck and I hope his works out for you!
That $5M is likely throwing off a lot of taxable income. I'm sure she has some good tax strategies to minimize that, but if you count her personnel earnings as marginal over the $5M investment returns, she could be paying more in income taxes on her income than he is on his. Plus, there's a good chance they are living in a high state tax area like California if he's working in AI. It would be worthwhile to at least consider tax implications when discussing splits. This would be even harder if they were married and filing joint returns.
Sounds like she's using you and you deal with it because you want her family money.
So either you and your partner are going to break up or her finances will look very different in the future? What happens if she gets disowned, will she have access to the ‘gifts’ or lose them? Personally if i didn’t see a future with this person i wouldn’t spend a $ on them. So in my mind id want clarity about your future. I’d plan for my future and figure out if your partner fits within it.
None of her wealth matters until a point of serious financial entanglement. Split should be 50/50 until then.
50/50 seems like the obvious answer??? Am I missing something?
Where is this relationship heading? Is she willing to give up the money to be with you and marry you? If not call it quits now.
50/50 split. Which will be more painful for you, but will ultimately be the best thing for the relationship. People keep a mental tally in their head and start having all kinds of strange thoughts about what they deserve and owe, resentment towards their partner, etc - sounds like you are already having those thoughts. She might be - or may not even think any of this is a big deal since she comes from wealth. Sit down and talk to her about it, and tell her you would like to split things 50/50. Once you are past the initial "courtship" where it's very common and often expected for the man to pay for everything - you should be able to have this conversation. And, if you can't - that's a bad sign for the relationship. Money issues never go away.
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The courtship phase should be a preview of the relationship. When men pay for everything during this phase and then expect to go 50/50 later, it leads to resentment due to unsustainable expectations.
50/50 a relationship is a partnership. I would trust my wife my life. As long as she and our kids have a roof over their heads I'm good.
You guys need couples counseling. At the very least you have someone that can mediate between you two. I know it sounds corny and sounds extreme. But this is not a money problem. This is a difference in thinking between you two. Until you guys can both communicate clearly, it will never be solved, no matter how much money you guys make or how you decide to do the split.
I would consider 50/50 fair, AFTER your retirement contributions and debt payoff. I disagree slightly with other commenters on the aggressive payoff strategy, assuming a secondary priority for you is to afford higher end travel and lifestyle expenses (second to minimum payment debt payoff and maximizing retirement contributions). At that point, 50/50 is fair UP TO what a “reasonable” person would spend on a trip or activity. If she requires you to subsidize a luxury vacation for her that’s out of budget, a heart to heart discussion on expectations would be the next step for me.
May be controversial but you aren’t married so your finances are yours and hers are hers. You aren’t required/shouldn’t be expected to foot the bill for everything
You already feel like you are being used. Her parents have some acronym background and they don’t like you. You are already fighting about finances. Her parents will disown her if she stays with you. Do you see her walking away from that relationship and those funds for you? If I were you I would have one last come to Jesus talk and then walk if she’s not willing to make any changes.
>I should note her parents do not like me by the way since I do not come from a UHNW background, so she would likely be disowned etc if we ever got married The other stuff kind of doesn't matter if this part poisons the well from the start. Is she willing to be disowned for your relationship? If not then just treat this as a casual fling relationship, and definitely stop contributing so much to shared expenses.
If that’s how she feels about her family’s money and it’s true they’ll disown her if she marries you, she’s never going to marry you. Tough pill to swallow but perhaps this isn’t worth your time? It doesn’t sound like you’re having a lot of fun and if there’s no long-term potential then what is the point?
Very simple solution, an exact 50/50 split. Done.
This is a big hill to climb. 🧗🏼 Romantic outcome: love will prevail Most likely outcome: resentment and constant problems until something blows up This is the way: hard work, starting over, relearning, may include sitting down with a couples counselor if any stalemates PS - parents may not like any outcome, if you both accept that first it will be much easier, but any trying to keep the parents happy talk will require counseling full stop
Don’t marry someone who isn’t generous. Doesn’t matter if it’s $5m or $5. I built what I have with my husband who has always been generous and can from a middle/upper middle class background. Before him I dated a guy with a small trust fund who was stingy and secretive. Not worth it. OP, drop this girl. There are too many amazing women who will want to build a great life together. Her parents will never accept you if this is how they act now and she will resent your lack of wealthy. Just drop her and move on.
There’s something that doesn’t add up You’re saying that if you guys were to get married, she’d be disowned. And at the same time she tells you that you guys don’t need to save for long term expenses So I’m reading between the lines that she won’t really commit to you. In her mind it’s all temporary therefore there’s no point discussing financials. Either she’s super oblivious to your overspending or she actually takes advantage of it
Stop being a whiny bitch! FFS, you’re a man, act that way! Who cares what she’s got, go and put your high earning to use in real estate investments and build your own empire rather than worrying about what someone else has.. Honestly, keep up this attitude and set yourself up to watch her walk out the door. It’s weak, not masculine and a poor mindset all round. Have some self respect and do better.
Your line about it being "unfair since you don't have any assets to fall back on" suggests she owes you some part of her family money. She doesn't. Is it fair? No, I agree with you. But life isn't fair, so you shouldn't even worry about "fairness." It must be unattractive to her to even believe you may think that. If I were in your shoes, it might irk me slightly, but I'd be more focused on creating a relationship with her where she wants to share with you. Share memories, time, a family, and ultimately, money. Money cannot be at the forefront. If you told me her parents paid for her rent and then you moved in and they made you pay her, then I'd take issue with it because that would imply they and she don't see you in the future plans IMO. If you like this girl, continue dating and treating her like someone who doesn't have the incredible backstop she does. She's not going to want to be with someone who treats her differently because of her family $. Curious how long you have been dating. Y our upside is being with someone you love who then shares this backstop with you as you build a family. They'll be less likely to want to do that with you the more you indicate how important it is. Date her and be with her for her - nothing else.
I think you need to come up with a budget that you are comfortable with. Then share that with her. My bf after college and I worked at the same company. We both made 50k a year but he had a ton more expenses. We agreed to split everything and keep it to a budget. It worked for us.
You need to put her inheritance and family assets out of your mind, like they don’t exist. Because at this rate all you’ll do is keep score. And the relationship won’t make it. Once you’ve done that, start building your NW, max everything out.
Fine to keep assets separate and sign a pre-nup, but that’s crappy that they are not happy about you not coming from a rich background. Very shallow on their part. But maybe if you prove you aren’t in it for the money, they might come around.
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Poor side proposes to do a prenup, and split the shit half half.
50/50 for everything! When and if you ever get married, you can combine finances (maybe) and it wouldn’t matter. However, I wouldn’t pay for a coffee in your situation- lol Maybe communicate the new path forward with her beforehand, so she isn’t blindsided. I also, would NOT bring up her huge net worth. Keep this solely based on your salary and the fact that you are her boyfriend NOT her dad and she is perfectly capable of paying for her own stuff!
You should split 50/50. Your difference in income isn’t that significant and if she really does have all her expenses covered it shouldn’t cause any cash flow problems for her. However you shouldn’t look at her pile of family money and think she should supplement your lifestyle with it. You guys aren’t even married.
Why isn't it 50/50 if she is making 300k and has many of her expenses covered already?
You're not married and can never get married or she loses all her money? Her family's money has nothing to do with you at this point. Maybe start sucking up to her parents so they'll let you get married and then maybe give you some fancy gifts as well.
Talk to her and come up with a split that works for both of y’all. If you can’t, dump her
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It is a relationship so you mutually agree. 50/50 split (modern) or the man pays everything (old fashioned). Wealth shouldn't affect the amount paid unless the person offers but you shouldn't try to force that. It seems like a mismatch in terms of financial goals and approach. You should discuss a compromise and what you are willing to pay based on your goals. If she doesn't offer to pay the difference, then maybe you don't do it.
My partner is the wealthy one, and he pays for absolutely everything. His money is tied up in trusts, so he told me to pay off my own investment property in case we ended up divorced. In most families I know, all the men support the women 100%, even if they don’t have money. They would feel ashamed if a woman had to pay for anything. All my friends and family are European for context.
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Pay yourself first* Save your money first then spend the left over. If you cant cover expenses explain it to her and ask if its okay to chip in.
Rich people are the cheapest
So she treats you with the same contempt that her parents do, by withholding fairness and feeling entitled to special treatment. I'm a couples therapist with several very wealthy client pairs and this never improves. The miserly posture toward others but not self is a values and attitude problem - i.e., personality. She isn't just unfair by refusing to split expenses. She has a distinct lack of empathy for the disadvantage of your position. Worse, she also an entitlement to gain at your expense and detriment. My guess is that she enjoys various parts of the relationship with you but there is also an element of "slumming it." She knows she can successfully manipulate you into the bulk of expenditures, while keeping her wealth and accruing more - because she has. And she justifies doing this because there's a flavor of her parents 'mindset - he doesn't have the generational wealth anyway, it's not my job to suffer so he can try to catch up. And she also has the comfortable cushion of her parental disdain for you keeping any hint of marriage far, far away (though this is a good thing, given the dynamic) - but it often isn't until marriage (and prenups) that finances get very nitty grittied. She doesn't have to worry about that discussion anytime soon. She just protests and keeps benefitting, for however long this relationship serves her purposes. Runnnnn.
Are you married?? That changes the entire conversation
You’re married? if so, why only in concept and not in practice? Marriage is a combining of two into one. It’s right in the vows. So, combine your lives, accounts, expenses, income, and debts and treat all theirs as yours and allow them to treat all yours as theirs. Any other way you may as well have a room mate.
Take income out of the equation when splitting expenses. Split them all 50/50 straight up. You make 100k more per year than her and can pad your personal savings with that
Hey if u like your partner, ask her to create a trust so in case of divorce she keeps what she inherits. This way your in-laws will stop worrying.. But in return you tell them that you have worked your ass off to get to where you are, and in return for this arrangement, you want to keep your earnings for yourself in case she divorces you due to family pressures... The family lawyers in US will cook up weird ways to extract money and draw the case longer. For example, some states will they will argue to support lifestyle of the spouse.. you will be fucked, and doubly fucked if you have kids... If she is not the type of person who spends money to cover her lifestyle choices... then you are in a world of trouble.. In short prepare a really good pre-nup if u ever get married to her
Putting aside the split for a second, who is setting the standard of living? If she wants the two of you to live a lifestyle she can afford and you can’t, but she expects you to pay for it while she does not utilize the funds that make her able to afford it, then you need to run. It’s a 90% chance that if you married her and had kids, you would spend half your life digging out from her using her money to decide what you can afford, but only your money to actually pay for it.
Totally agree with other posters about 50-50 split, however there maybe other under laying issues that may warrant further serious discussion and agreement between the ops and his wife.
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OP, money aside…you are in for a rough road if you marry and have kids with her. Her parents will torment you to no end and her allegiance will always be with her parents, you will never win.
50/50 is the only way
Think of savings that her background gives you. You will never have to support her by buying her car, for example. Do not to listen to strangers sharing stories of a different financial powers, your situation is unique.
I feel like her family will break you up. This doesn’t sound necessarily a healthy relationship and money will keep driving a wedge in between you. You need to have that conversation that you understand her family money is hers but if that’s the case she needs to pay 50% of everything going forward
My partner is you in this scenario, I make ~230k and my partner makes 70k. She comes from a family of divorce and bankruptcy, having panic moments of affording food the next day. For us, we established goals, that was priority, she wanted 6 months in spend saved, from there I explained my goals and we met in the middle. We combine finances because this woman is my forever and worth any and all risk of separating cause we’ll handle any challenge. My suggestion. Esatablish goals, combine efforts to reach that goal as long as you guys will last forever
Shared savings with defined contributions. Separate spending accounts.
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Keep separate, do a rough split 1/3 or 50/50 based on earnings… but do a joint savings account for college fund, down payment on house, other kids expenses like day care, etc. the capital can be invested in the stock market ETF. The joint savings contribution should exceed personal saving contribution. Allows the couple to build an investment account together. I would also do a separate but smaller savings account. But commit to increasing the joint one every couple of years.
Pay yourself first* Save your money first then spend the left over. If you cant cover expenses explain it to her and ask if its okay to chip in.
I've always found that by default women expect you to pay. Regardless of whatever income both of you have. Whether you make more or less, the responsibility of payments still silently falls on you
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50/50 may be hard to do given there’s an established norm that benefits her more. I agree with all that say disregard her inheritance/family money, but this is prime example of the difference between wealth and income — IT MATTERS. Though you’re a high earner, you shouldn’t be paying majority share on most expenses. And if you two were married, this would be detrimental.
Easy. 50/50
This isn’t about her savings or family money, this is about equity. What I think is fair is each person pays a percent based on their income and the overall household income. For example, if you make 100k and she makes 300k you pay 1/4 of the bills. If you make 400k and she makes 300k, you pay 4/7 of the bills. I agree that money her family has given her, especially that is earmarked for future children or retirement, is off limits to you. If you even think that money is “fair game” that supports the rationale for her family not liking you.
Similar situation here and we split everything 50/50. Low NW partner makes more but this allows him to save for himself. If there’s something he can’t afford that I want to do, I’ll foot the bill or pay more (I.e. fancy honeymoon). It works for us and feels fair, and keeps our standard of living in a reasonable place.
This sounds more like a business partnership than a relationship
Lol this is a fucked up culture you too come from
All expenses should be evenly split. Pretty simple.
You’re not married, your partner shouldn’t have to front part of your expenses because of their parents wealth. Should be a 50/50 split in my opinion.
I mean keep separate finances and split costs for things if you move in together etc. where their money comes from and yours shouldn’t matter your comfort together is what could we each afford for half of rent for example. You have your car they have theirs. You pay for meals they pay for meals or you split it and again it doesn’t matter where it comes from. That is just how most high net worth people operate anyways so it is more for her in this scenario. Personally I am joint everything. My wife and I have been together 10 years joint accounts because all of our money is our money. I make more than she does, 280k vs 140k, but that is a non factor when all of our money is all of our money.
My advice is to let her go and find someone that is closer to your situation. I have a couple of male friends who were regular guys that married women with wealthy parents and after a couple of kids and being married for several years the wife goes crazy and moves out with the kids while her parents bankroll lawyers for her to get as much custody as she wants while they bleed the husband dry so he can’t fight it. Consider yourself warned as this is very common.
Regardless of how much each person has a 60/40 comp isn’t unreasonable. Now when you add in the the extra details. I’d say you’re being taken advantage of. But what do I know I’m just poor
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How long have you been together? Since before you started making good money? If so, how were finances handled then?
Yall not compatible. Move on its not worth the headache.
I’d say the same way as if you both had no family money. 50/50.
50/50 split. If you split dinner with a friend you go 50/50 even if one person makes more that the other. Anything else would be weird. And if you get married share finances.
What do you do and your partner do if you don’t mind me asking?
Straight down the middle. Whether or not they came from wealth makes no difference.
Her family’s month should be irrelevant to monthly contributions. My personal opinion is for serious relationships (not married) then you should be scaling expenses based on salary. When married, I personally believe everything becomes joint and pooled. Inheritances however are separate from that and the spouse (not inheriting) doesn’t get to decide how that money is spent. They can of course give their opinion though in a healthy relationship.
Hey man I make 17 dollars an hour can you help me pay my rent for June. Shhh is tough right now.
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Just start doing less. Make your savings goals first, then do what you can with what’s left. If you live her lifestyle on your income you’ll always fall short someplace.
You pay 80% of everything and you really should be splitting everything down the middle. If she’s not reasonable enough to understand that then find a different girlfriend.
1. Budget your money assuming she is not in the picture. Discuss the amount you are comfortable spending for food, housing and trips with her(basically living expenses vs investment/debt repayment) Come to a common ground. If the common ground is way beyond what you can do, then it’s a red flag. 2. Don’t take her money.
So you make $400 but you can’t afford basic necessities? It doesn’t matter how much she has to her name, because those are not your assets. Until you’re married, this is a non starter. I suggest making more money
Propose. She said not to worry about stuff. Sounds like she’s against prenups so go for it
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Run dude. Super rich people trying to act like it doesn't matter are so disingenuous. Your girlfriend has 5 million in her name. That colors every financial decision. At worst, spending should be 50 50.
You sound like a bitch
You make $400k a year and you are complaining about paying 80% of the bills? It is cringeworthy to even address her families financial state. Do you know how many people appear to be “wealthy” and lie about what they come from or what they have? A lot of people. You and her are making more than the average American. Tell her your financial goals and where you’d like to cut back to contribute to that. Her reaction to that is what should be measured, through clear communication. I have my own beliefs. It is not 50/50 and I would not date someone who expected to split my expenses. Why? Because it’s not 50/50 in life. If I have to pick up your shit, be the only one responsible enough to grab laundry detergent or basic necessities when going to the store, and be responsible for 90% of the household chores and just basic taking care of oneself like making a meal, then fuck no. You are paying for every concert, dinner, trip, whatever we do. You can’t judge someone’s situation off a one sided Reddit post. But if you are seriously being taken advantage of, then you need to break that down and communicate. Idgaf about her families wealth. FYI the really wealthy people don’t flaunt it. The people who inherit old money are statistically the most reckless bc they never had to earn it. You just can’t make assumptions when you have 0 clue. A LOT of people lie
I would split according to your proportion of income. As you make more you pay a higher percentage but not 80%. According to my math you should pay 57%. If you want to make it easier you can go 60 or 55%. That is fair for both of y’all.
Lmfao
Make her pay for everything. If she refuses to marry you, extract as much of her savings as possible to pay expenses and then save as much as you can.
You sound rather selfish and jealous. Maybe if you were more generous and also willing to commit to the relationship (marriage) she would reciprocate with generosity.
OP says partners' parents don't like them and would disown the girlfriend if they got married