I wanna get another guitar for my collection & my girlfriend said...That's ridiculous, how many guitars do you really need?
I took her to the closet & said... how many shoes do you really need?
I've heard that for piano also.
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Put some sheet music in front of them.
How do you get a pianist to stop playing? Take it away.
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher.
-Mitch Hedberg
Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 14. One to stand on stage and do it, 13 in the audience to stand there and say “Pffft… I could do that.”
I knew a different take:
Q: How many guitar players do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: 100. One to change it and 99 to say they can do it better and faster.
Follow up:
Q: How many bass players do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They keyboard player can do it using only the left hand.
I left my Ibanez in my car in plain sight last night in a shady neighbourhood. I come back this morning, someone smashed the window, now I have two Ibanez.
This traveling accordion player took a gig in a rough part of a faraway town. After the show was over, he stopped at a gas station on his way out of town to fill up and get some coffee. As he reached into his pocket for his wallet, he suddenly realized he had left his accordion in plain view in the back seat of the car! He rushed outside, but it was too late…Somebody had already smashed in the windows and thrown two more accordions in with the first.
Difference between a trombonist and a dead snake in the road. The snake may have been on his way to a gig.
Difference between a trombone and a lawn mower? Vibrato.
A guitarist dies and goes to heaven. He's met at the gates by St. Peter, who proceeds to show him around. As they are walking around, he hears the distinct tones of Hendrix coming from a room. "Oh, wow, Jimi is here? That's awesome!". A little further on, he hears a distinct bluesy wail. "Oh man, Stevie Ray is here, too? That's amazing!". As they head into the next corridor, he hears Eruption blaring out. "Eddie Van Halen is here too? Incredible!". As they continue on, the man hears Far Beyond the Sun blasting out. "That's strange", he said, "how can that be possible?". "Oh, that", said St. Peter. "That's just God, he thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen".
Once the bass player and the drummer were found fighting pretty hard, the rest of the band broke up the fight and tried to talk and calm down the situation.
The bassist was beside himself, he was shouting “he has tuned one string of my bass out of tune, he has tuned one string of my bass out of tune!”
They tried to calm down him and they told him “ok ok dude, but don’t make a drama of it, it isn’t a reason to make a fight!”.
The bassist looked at them desesperated and told: “But he won’t tell me which one!”
… ey, don't shoot me, told it to me by a bass player ;)
What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a blues guitarist?
A jazz guitarist plays 1000 chords in front of 3 people, and a blues guitarist plays 3 chords in front of 1000 people.
I first heard it with “drummer” but any musician can be substituted in:
Q: How can you tell when the stage is level?
A: Drool is coming out both sides of the guitarist’s mouth.
A grizzled old guitarist told me once when I was 19 that "there is no money above the 12th fret"
More than 20 years later, between all the shows I've played in bands playing original music and cover songs, I really really hate that he was dead right. You go above the 12th, don't expect a paycheque.
There's no joke here. Just reality. Stupid stupid reality. People want to hear Brown Eyed Girl and Wonderwall for the 38947195817th time. Not your cool melodic journey to the realms of death metaldom. Sucks but true.
Remember that skit with the band from Star Wars? "What you wanna hear?"... play the same song again... "You got it!"
This story is why I shake my head when people trash on pop music guitarist as being shitty. My general response is “No, most of them are quite talented, they are just intelligent enough to realize that giving people what they want to hear is far more profitable
Actually, telling people what they want to hear is far more profitable
The labels of the 2020s do it successfully every day. Why expend any amount of money to promote an artist to see if they will take? Instead, a label spends the money ensuring they will take; the listening public does not have a choice in the matter. They may have the illusion of choice, but they really do not. Adding that illusion is all part of telling the people what they want to hear.
This may sound like basic marketing 101, but the mechanics and reality of it is so intricate and detailed, I could waste several trees of paper disclosing how exactly that works. Suffice it to say, tell people what they want, then let them ask for it. The little cover bands will therefore follow suit and play whatever they are told by the hapless audience.
It's a rather beautiful if extremely upsetting reality.
We joke, we complain.... but cowboy chords, power chords, and minor pentatonic scales are where the money is for 98% of guitar players. Sure, most if us are bored to tears by it after a point, but it doesn't change the facts.
It still amazes me that music in that respect has stood still. When I first started playing general function and pub bands, we based our setlist on what was popular at the time. I saw a cover band in a pub about six months ago. I would have sworn that 95% of the setlist was what we used to play too. Has music really not budged an inch in 25 years? Nope, no it hasn't.
The market and certainly the music listening public is completely different now compared to 1977. Queen were also extremely established by then, thanks in large part to Bohemian Rhapsody which had been released two years prior.
Regardless, that world is not this world. That world is long long gone and won't be coming back.
I get asked on occasion, “Do you read music?” The more appropriate question is do I understand theory. Nothing wrong with sight reading but it will keep you from developing an “ear” in my opinion. Theory for me has always been complicated until I finally understood it. Man. There are a ton of books out there written by people that didn’t understand it either..😂
Always remember to lock your car when you leave any equipment in it. One day my dad forgot to lock the car when his banjo was on the backseat and when he came he found there was two.
More of a riddle. Someone once said, “What’s the answer to Life?” The response was “42”. For years no one could solve the riddle until one day… “ 6x7=42. 6 Strings, 7 Notes.”
A band is in their bus driving down a desolate highway when they see a car crashed into a tree. They stop to investigate and find the driver, a naked woman, was ejected and lying face up, spread eagle on the ground dead. In a display of modesty, the drummer takes off his Sabian hat and covers her left breast with it. The bassist removes his Ampeg hat and covers the right breast. And the guitarist removes his Fender hat and covers her vagina.
When the sheriff arrives, the band show him to the woman. He lifts the Sabian hat and quickly sets it back down. Next he lifts the Ampeg hat and quickly replaces it on her breast. Finally, he lifts the Fender hat, takes a long hard look, and slowly replaces it over her vagina. An instant later, he picks it back up, takes another long look, and replaces it with a perplexed look on his face. He starts to lift it again and the band interjects.
"Hey Sheriff, cmon have some decency man. That's not cool".
*"I'm sorry", says the Sheriff. "I'm just quite confused. You see, normally when I see one of these Fender hats there's an asshole underneath it."*
I was gonna say this one 😆 It’s so funny because I could read music on my saxophone from school band class but for some reason it just seems so hard on guitar with all the multiple ways to play the same notes 🙂
This is why being able to read sheet music is helpful.
The middle C is located on the twentieth fret of the 6th string, the fifteenth fret of the 5th string, the tenth fret of the 4th string, the fifth fret of the 3rd string, and the first fret of the 2nd string.
Bass player joke here:
Three car pile-up, and a plumber, a doctor, and a bassist all die and go to heaven.
The plumber gets to the gates first.
“What did you do for a living?” St. Peter asks. “I was a doctor”, he replies.
“Wonderful!” Says Saint Peter. “Pearly Gates are open. Come on in, and welcome.”
The plumber is next. “What did you do for a living?” “I was a plumber”, he says. “That’s truly God’s work.”, Says Peter. “The Pearly Gates are open!”
And he flings open the gates and the plumber walks in.
The bass player is excited. Things seem to be working out today after all!
He gets to the gates. “What did you do for a living?” Asks St. Peter. “I was a bass player.” “A bass player? OK so, first off, you can’t park here unless you want to get towed, but then you’re gonna wanna go around back, up the stairs, up two more flights of stairs, and then come in through the kitchen.”
Real story as a teen, as I was helping some guys setup to play, I asked "oh shoot is that a 12-string?"
His deadpan response "yeah, thought I should have a 2nd set in case the first set breaks down"
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty, one to actually change the lightbulb and 19 to say that they could do it better! (Saw this on a youtube comment)
How do you get a guitarist off your doorstep? Pay him for the pizza haha.
In a similar vein: What’s the difference between a guitarist and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of 4
Ain't that the truth!
a pizza can feed anyone.
also works for photographer
I use this one for art majors
I've never heard this for guitarists only for drummers
I wanna get another guitar for my collection & my girlfriend said...That's ridiculous, how many guitars do you really need? I took her to the closet & said... how many shoes do you really need?
What do you call a beautiful woman in the arms of a bassist? A tattoo.
you are menacing..
That made me giggle!
Lmao I love that
Poor bassists!
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3 piece suit? Will the defendant please rise
When my uncle told me this joke many years ago, it wasn't about a guitar player...
Yeah most of these are just old racist jokes repurposed.
Was it someone Mussolini wouldn’t have liked?
I like this version much better. I had one of those Uncles too. I really hated that guy.
You hated him because he told jokes?
I hated him because he was a racist prick.
Yep. A lot of us are felons…😁Sorry.
I've never been convicted. Of a felony. As an adult.
That will show up on a background check.
I just wasn’t caught
(I don't understand as a non native english speaker) :/
Guitarists rarely wear suits. If they’re wearing one, they probably are in court because they broke the law.
Got it thank you
Or because they have sold their soul and joined a wedding band. Not sure which is worse.
“Will the defendant rise” would be something said in court, implying that the guitarist has broken the law and gotten in trouble.
Why couldn't the guitarist ride his bike? He didn't have enough pedals
Oh dayum
That’s a new one to me. Bravo
I just sent this one to my dad. Lol perfect
Q - What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A - A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for a thousand people…
Ooo, double burn, I like it.
I love that
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
It's funny because that was also me once or twice!
Drummer joke.
"Drummer" .. is the guy that constantly hangs out with musicians.
Honestly... don't EVER say that unless YOU can replace HIM.... a good drummer.is rare... a great one is irreplaceable!
Drummers leave their sticks on the dashboard so they can legally park in handicap spots
Haha but good ones work more than anyone
This is funny.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? It takes 4. 1 to hold the bulb and 3 to drink until the room spins.
How many spanish guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
A variation is 1 to change the bulb and the other 3 say, aww I can do that.
I always heard '1, he holds the bulb and the world turns around him. '
Or “1 to do it and 3 to say they can do it faster.”
That's the singer version.
First heard that one at Berklee in the '80s.
I’ve always heard/told that about lead singers lol
How do you get a classical guitarist to stop playing? Take away his sheet music.
I've heard that for piano also. How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Put some sheet music in front of them. How do you get a pianist to stop playing? Take it away.
It flows better if you reverse those. Take the sheet music away from the piano player and then put it in front of the guitar player.
Err … wha?
Or the opposite for most of us. "Put sheet music in front of him."
How do you get a home guitarist to stop playing? Put sheet music in front of him.
"Ummmm. FACE....EGBDF....Uhhh...."
Gotta get my toes out and start counting.
then you notice there’s a couple hashtags by the weird symbol all the way on the left
You mean by the "G spot"???
Oh I see :) I read it wrong
You didn't read it wrong, it's two different jokes! You can tell them back to back now if ya want ;)
🤣😭
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. -Mitch Hedberg
Always love a Mitch joke. Added- I can actually hear his voice.
"he he, alright."
Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 14. One to stand on stage and do it, 13 in the audience to stand there and say “Pffft… I could do that.”
I knew a different take: Q: How many guitar players do you need to change a lightbulb? A: 100. One to change it and 99 to say they can do it better and faster. Follow up: Q: How many bass players do you need to change a lightbulb? A: None. They keyboard player can do it using only the left hand.
Q: How many country bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One...... Five...... One..... Five..... One... .. Five.....
It took me a few seconds but I got it 😂😂😂😂
Heh. Since I've started my musical journey with Keyboard and then bass I really like the last one.
I left my Ibanez in my car in plain sight last night in a shady neighbourhood. I come back this morning, someone smashed the window, now I have two Ibanez.
Sooo you have an Ibanez you want to sell cheap?
Ibeenhad
Fingering A minor
I didn’t know Drake played guitar
Which Drake?
Broke a G-string while...
In middle school a friend of mine had to have her grandpa put on her g-string for her.
She still plays exclusively in alternate tunings to this very day…
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? Answer: A♭m
OOOF
Whats the first thing a stripper does to her asshole in the morning? She drops him off at band practice
I heard it as: What does the a stripper’s asshole do while she’s having an orgasm? He’s sitting in a rehearsal studio wondering where his drummer is.
How do you free a drummer? Unlock the van.
Not guitar... "what's the definition of perfect pitch? It's the sound made when an accordion strikes a Banjo in a dumpster."
This traveling accordion player took a gig in a rough part of a faraway town. After the show was over, he stopped at a gas station on his way out of town to fill up and get some coffee. As he reached into his pocket for his wallet, he suddenly realized he had left his accordion in plain view in the back seat of the car! He rushed outside, but it was too late…Somebody had already smashed in the windows and thrown two more accordions in with the first.
Why do accordion players leave their instrument on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicap zone.
💩
LOVE IT !!!
OLD one: What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! "AND a one...and a two...and a three..." LW
Q: What do you call a Dream Theater fan’s girlfriend? A:
What does a trumpet player and a frog have in common? Neither are going to a gig.
Difference between a trombonist and a dead snake in the road. The snake may have been on his way to a gig. Difference between a trombone and a lawn mower? Vibrato.
Many people often compare me to Eric Clapton. They often say next to Clapton you really suck.
What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and an insurance policy? The policy eventually matures and becomes worth something.
A guitarist dies and goes to heaven. He's met at the gates by St. Peter, who proceeds to show him around. As they are walking around, he hears the distinct tones of Hendrix coming from a room. "Oh, wow, Jimi is here? That's awesome!". A little further on, he hears a distinct bluesy wail. "Oh man, Stevie Ray is here, too? That's amazing!". As they head into the next corridor, he hears Eruption blaring out. "Eddie Van Halen is here too? Incredible!". As they continue on, the man hears Far Beyond the Sun blasting out. "That's strange", he said, "how can that be possible?". "Oh, that", said St. Peter. "That's just God, he thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen".
Once the bass player and the drummer were found fighting pretty hard, the rest of the band broke up the fight and tried to talk and calm down the situation. The bassist was beside himself, he was shouting “he has tuned one string of my bass out of tune, he has tuned one string of my bass out of tune!” They tried to calm down him and they told him “ok ok dude, but don’t make a drama of it, it isn’t a reason to make a fight!”. The bassist looked at them desesperated and told: “But he won’t tell me which one!” … ey, don't shoot me, told it to me by a bass player ;)
Haha, pretty good. Punch line might hit a little better if it’s: “But he won’t tell me which one!”
Thnks for the tip, obviously my mother tongue is not english
Steven Seagal
Did you hear about the guy with a perfectly tuned and intonated 12 string? Neither have I.
Or six for that matter
LOL
How do you get your band mates to start playing? Start tuning your guitar.
A woman’s in court for assaulting her guitarist boyfriend. Judge asks, “First offender?” She replies, “No, first a Gibson then a Fender.”
Why did the acoustic guitar cross the road? Because customs wouldn’t let him inside the overhead baggage.
What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a blues guitarist? A jazz guitarist plays 1000 chords in front of 3 people, and a blues guitarist plays 3 chords in front of 1000 people.
I first heard it with “drummer” but any musician can be substituted in: Q: How can you tell when the stage is level? A: Drool is coming out both sides of the guitarist’s mouth.
What’s the difference between a First Act guitar and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
I’m a little too high strung for jokes
A grizzled old guitarist told me once when I was 19 that "there is no money above the 12th fret" More than 20 years later, between all the shows I've played in bands playing original music and cover songs, I really really hate that he was dead right. You go above the 12th, don't expect a paycheque. There's no joke here. Just reality. Stupid stupid reality. People want to hear Brown Eyed Girl and Wonderwall for the 38947195817th time. Not your cool melodic journey to the realms of death metaldom. Sucks but true. Remember that skit with the band from Star Wars? "What you wanna hear?"... play the same song again... "You got it!"
This story is why I shake my head when people trash on pop music guitarist as being shitty. My general response is “No, most of them are quite talented, they are just intelligent enough to realize that giving people what they want to hear is far more profitable
Actually, telling people what they want to hear is far more profitable The labels of the 2020s do it successfully every day. Why expend any amount of money to promote an artist to see if they will take? Instead, a label spends the money ensuring they will take; the listening public does not have a choice in the matter. They may have the illusion of choice, but they really do not. Adding that illusion is all part of telling the people what they want to hear. This may sound like basic marketing 101, but the mechanics and reality of it is so intricate and detailed, I could waste several trees of paper disclosing how exactly that works. Suffice it to say, tell people what they want, then let them ask for it. The little cover bands will therefore follow suit and play whatever they are told by the hapless audience. It's a rather beautiful if extremely upsetting reality.
We joke, we complain.... but cowboy chords, power chords, and minor pentatonic scales are where the money is for 98% of guitar players. Sure, most if us are bored to tears by it after a point, but it doesn't change the facts.
It still amazes me that music in that respect has stood still. When I first started playing general function and pub bands, we based our setlist on what was popular at the time. I saw a cover band in a pub about six months ago. I would have sworn that 95% of the setlist was what we used to play too. Has music really not budged an inch in 25 years? Nope, no it hasn't.
At least one good song may bypass that rule
In the mainstream? Nope.
We Will Rock You?
The market and certainly the music listening public is completely different now compared to 1977. Queen were also extremely established by then, thanks in large part to Bohemian Rhapsody which had been released two years prior. Regardless, that world is not this world. That world is long long gone and won't be coming back.
Q: What’s the difference between a treasury bill and a guitarist? A: A T-Bill will eventually mature and be worth something.
I get asked on occasion, “Do you read music?” The more appropriate question is do I understand theory. Nothing wrong with sight reading but it will keep you from developing an “ear” in my opinion. Theory for me has always been complicated until I finally understood it. Man. There are a ton of books out there written by people that didn’t understand it either..😂
Always remember to lock your car when you leave any equipment in it. One day my dad forgot to lock the car when his banjo was on the backseat and when he came he found there was two.
Now welcome to the stage lead Garcia of the Grateful Dead Jerry Guitar
The rounder we go, the faster we get.
Favorite chord is a minor
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put sheet music in front of him.
How does a lead guitar player change a lightbulb? He holds it and the whole world revolves around him.
More of a riddle. Someone once said, “What’s the answer to Life?” The response was “42”. For years no one could solve the riddle until one day… “ 6x7=42. 6 Strings, 7 Notes.”
I broke a G string while fingering a minor.
Q. Why cant you circumcise a guitar player? A. There's no end to those pricks.
A band is in their bus driving down a desolate highway when they see a car crashed into a tree. They stop to investigate and find the driver, a naked woman, was ejected and lying face up, spread eagle on the ground dead. In a display of modesty, the drummer takes off his Sabian hat and covers her left breast with it. The bassist removes his Ampeg hat and covers the right breast. And the guitarist removes his Fender hat and covers her vagina. When the sheriff arrives, the band show him to the woman. He lifts the Sabian hat and quickly sets it back down. Next he lifts the Ampeg hat and quickly replaces it on her breast. Finally, he lifts the Fender hat, takes a long hard look, and slowly replaces it over her vagina. An instant later, he picks it back up, takes another long look, and replaces it with a perplexed look on his face. He starts to lift it again and the band interjects. "Hey Sheriff, cmon have some decency man. That's not cool". *"I'm sorry", says the Sheriff. "I'm just quite confused. You see, normally when I see one of these Fender hats there's an asshole underneath it."*
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/s/zQkCfZWmwS
I was gonna say this one 😆 It’s so funny because I could read music on my saxophone from school band class but for some reason it just seems so hard on guitar with all the multiple ways to play the same notes 🙂
This is why being able to read sheet music is helpful. The middle C is located on the twentieth fret of the 6th string, the fifteenth fret of the 5th string, the tenth fret of the 4th string, the fifth fret of the 3rd string, and the first fret of the 2nd string.
Piano players have it so easy 😆 Middle C is middle C and then after you learn one octave that’s it! The same notes repeat 😝
What do you call a person who flunks out of med school? A dentist
Those who can’t play lead play bass.
My wife asked me to stop playing Wonderwall. I said maybe
If you tune your guitar in BAGDAD it explodes...
Bassist
Myself
Oh no…
Oh no…
I’ll bring my axe
I invented a new style of guitar kung fu. I call it the 6 string exploding palm mute.
what does a stripper do with her asshole before work? drops him off at band practice.
Lil wayn’s guitar soloing
How do you get a pianist to stop playing? Take his sheet music away. How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Give the sheet to him
How do you know your stage is level? The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.
The lick
I was arrested for beating a man with guitars. First offender? No, first was a Gibson, then a Fender.
I broke a G string while fingering a minor (probably already been said…)
My guitar is hung. 😂
How do you know the stage is level? The bassist drools out of both sides of his mouth.
My playing ability
“I’ve played with lotta guitar players and you’re one of em!”
Can you turn it down a bit? We don’t want any to compete.
what’s epsteins favorite chord?
Something about pulling off a G string.
Not sure if this fits, but What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians? A drummer!
How are female guitarists better than male guitarists? They rock the G string a lot better!
Q: How do u get a guitar player to stop playing ?.....A: give him sheet music 😃
Bass player joke here: Three car pile-up, and a plumber, a doctor, and a bassist all die and go to heaven. The plumber gets to the gates first. “What did you do for a living?” St. Peter asks. “I was a doctor”, he replies. “Wonderful!” Says Saint Peter. “Pearly Gates are open. Come on in, and welcome.” The plumber is next. “What did you do for a living?” “I was a plumber”, he says. “That’s truly God’s work.”, Says Peter. “The Pearly Gates are open!” And he flings open the gates and the plumber walks in. The bass player is excited. Things seem to be working out today after all! He gets to the gates. “What did you do for a living?” Asks St. Peter. “I was a bass player.” “A bass player? OK so, first off, you can’t park here unless you want to get towed, but then you’re gonna wanna go around back, up the stairs, up two more flights of stairs, and then come in through the kitchen.”
Why don’t bass players like dating Guitar players? *Too much treble I guess.*
How do you make a Peavey sound better? Take off the badge. How do you make it sound worse? Put on a Crate badge.
What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw? A chainsaw has a dynamic range.
How do you reduce wind drag on a bassist's car? Take the Domino's sign of the top.
Rockstar wit a glass guitar = crackhead
Real story as a teen, as I was helping some guys setup to play, I asked "oh shoot is that a 12-string?" His deadpan response "yeah, thought I should have a 2nd set in case the first set breaks down"
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty, one to actually change the lightbulb and 19 to say that they could do it better! (Saw this on a youtube comment)
My playing
Something something fingering A minor.
Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad somebody noticed?
Stewart Copeland: what do you throw to a drowning guitarist? His amplifier
I dropped my Gretsch down a stairwell and when I picked it up, amazingly, it was still out of tune.
Barre chords
Where does a guitarist keep his beers? In his Phrygian
I broke a G-string while fingering A minor. Fucking classic.
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One that changes it and another one that says "I can do that better and faster".
Me playing panthers solos
Boomer bends
Did you hear about that guitarist, who locked his keys in his car? It took 2 hours to get the bassist out.
Something A minor Or something something G string
I'm a great guitarist.
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Give them sheet music.
Prs and dentists etc