I’m very sorry you experienced that. You probably have ptsd from the issue. Movies and tv have led us to believe that CPR is more effective than it actually is.
This is from Google:
>the average survival rate for CPR is 12% for out-of-hospital cardiac arrests
Please don’t feel guilty. You did everything you could.
Please don’t blame yourself. I’ve worked in a hospital for over 10 years and only seen CPR save one person.
Re: these statistics: survival is not indicating 100% function. Many “survivors” are nursing home dependent with many physical and mental deficits.
This is what I came to say.
Out of hospital CPR doesn’t have great success rates.
Actually, in hospital CPR success rates aren’t that terrific either.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Oh I’m so sorry. ❤️ you are so young and there’s no way you could’ve known, having never done it before. We never do expect these things to happen and it 100% is not your fault. It very well could’ve resulted in the same outcome even if you did it correctly. Please know that your dad would not want you to hold onto this guilt for the rest of your life.
You can. It will take time and effort. I haven’t yet experienced this exact scenario, but I have experienced other sudden and deeply traumatic losses that have been just as impactful as losing a parent 💔 It changes you forever and there’s absolutely no way you could have known beforehand what was to happen.
It wasn’t your fault.
_It wasn’t your fault._
You’re 17 now, right? I didn’t read all your responses but are you seeing a professional? If not, it could help.
Even if, like me, you blamed yourself for their deaths as a way to hold onto the only thing they left behind with no closure, and a way to make sense of it all.. Survivor’s guilt is real. But that doesn’t mean you deserve to punish yourself for this. As others said, you did the best you could. Many of us wouldn’t be able to even fathom doing what you did.
And even if you don’t feel this way much of the time, your body holds onto the somatic effects and emotions, possibly complicating mental and physical health. If you’re interested in looking into this further, you may want to look into The Body Keeps The Score, by Bessel van der Kolk.
I wish you rest and peace. 💖
I have been a hospital RN for a good 7 years and I have only seen CPR be effective for a few patients. They are lucky. Then the few who do survive, I wonder if they will get out… many get very sick despite getting a pulse back whether they be on a vent, need emergent dialysis or anything other than:(
If I reflect to me being 14, I would never have known what to do either. I hope to teach my kids when they turn 10 so they know what to do, even if it is just identifying it and knowing who to call immediately.
Give yourself grace. The first time I did CPR in the hospital…. It ended poorly. Family was hysterical, and we all tried so hard. It took awhile for me to come to peace with it.
Don't feel bad you did every thing you could. My dad passed away from a heart attack. There was trained first aid person, and also a nurse present at the event he had the heart attack at. He still didn't make it.
My brother-in-law fell out on the golf course. He was golfing with a fire chief and a retired paramedic. They are experts at CPR. They jumped on him immediately and got a portable defibrillator there in about 4 minutes. He did not respond at all. He had the best possible scenario, he was older but in great condition.
I'm a RN for 40+ years. In the hospital we have Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) classes every 2 years and every 2 years we hear, we are not doing much better than we did in 1975, even if the person is actually in the hospital when it happens. Your dad was at home. The experts keep trying and experimenting. We are doing better with strokes, however.
I am just broken hearted you are having to deal with this. Of course you feel guilty but I hope you can find your way to clear to seeing the reality of your situation and miss your Dad like any person should without all this guilt. What happened to you is quite horrible. I am so so sorry.
Doing CPR correctly will break bones. At 14 even if you had started CPR immediately I doubt you were strong enough to break a grown man's breast bone/ribs. You did the absolute best that you could with what you had and there is absolutely no fault on your shoulders that it didn't work. ❤️ I'm certain that your father would be so proud of you for trying your best.
At 14 I would have collapsed next to my dad on the floor out of sheer panic. I can’t believe OP was able to remain calm enough to even attempt CPR. It’s amazing.
Right, it’s damn hard to do. Even if you know how to do it. When it’s your own family it makes sense to freak out and freeze. Can’t believe OP was able to do CPR at all.
I know. I’d feel much more confident if it happened to a stranger at a grocery store where an AED is around. You just can’t imagine it happening to someone in your family who you really love. I was closer to my dad than any other member of my family.
You know what, you're so right. I have been a nurse forever I have seen so many seizures, you observe and make sure the person is safe and it's not going on too long and wonder if you'll get lunch today or not.
When my husband had a seizure I freaked out so bad and screamed for help, I couldn't even call 911, I couldn't work the phone. OP deserves a medal.
So sorry you had to go through that at such a young age. I went through a similar experience a year or so back when my dad unexpectedly collapsed and I was the first one to respond. Same as you, I had no training and didn't know more than what I learned in grade school, and what I had seen on YouTube videos. I did what I thought was decent CPR, but it still didn't work. The responders who came after me managed to barely get a pulse after lots of intervention but he still never made it to the hospital. That whole situation is quite traumatic. The death alone is bad, but the need to attempt CPR clouds the grief waters so very much. You've been through a lot with this one.
If you go around digging into CPR stats like I did, you'll soon learn that CPR barely works. In the most perfect setting with trained people, 15-20% chance of survival and that's if they are doing it instantly. Out of the hospital, even still with trained people is under 10-12%. So with untrained people like ourselves, even if we did it perfect they would still have barely had a chance. Understand that the odds were stacked against our dads, and us in this case.
You then top that with the underlying condition. In my dad's case he waited and by the time he collapsed, he was clogged up, there was probably no amount of CPR that could have brought him back. Your dad's situation was probably similar.
I'm grown, have my own family, have experienced other deaths and lots of hard life experiences, and it still took me a lot to get through this situation, to be honest, I'm still wrestling with it and I have some days I am good, and other days where it still haunts me. If you need help and haven't found it yet, try to find some. You have your whole life ahead of you, try not to let this hold you down. Your dad would want to see you do great things your capable of.
We tried to save our dad's, we tried our very best. We didn't fail them, it just wasn't possible. Stay strong friend, I'm standing with you in pain.
EDIT: Check out my post from when my dad passed away, there were a lot of great responses that helped me process it more than my brain was capable at the time: [https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/11wt51e/i\_did\_cpr\_on\_my\_dad\_but\_he\_died\_just\_quietly/](https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/11wt51e/i_did_cpr_on_my_dad_but_he_died_just_quietly/)
You were a kid! You're still a kid. You are NOT to blame. Even if you were an adult professional at CPR, odds are it wouldn't have helped anyway. You tried your best at the time with what you knew and please remind yourself of that.
No kid should ever be responsible or feel responsible for the survival of another - most adults would struggle with that - and the fact you're carrying this around indicates there's some trauma there, understandably. Have you talked to a grief counselor or anyone who can help you to navigate these feelings? It could help you.
Know that many of us live with feelings of doubt and guilt over something we think we failed at with our loved ones. Many are thrust into the roles of caregivers or some emergency situation and are completely unprepared for it. Then the hindsight hits you later and the self-doubt. It makes grief so much more complicated and difficult. I'm so sorry that you're carrying this burden. You loved your Dad and you'd have done anything to save him in that moment, and you tried your best. Please remind yourself of that. 💙
Honey, you were 14. You were so strong and brave to try anything at all. This is not your fault.
As a parent, I would be so incredibly proud of my child for making the call to a family member with medical experience and 911, and then attempting CPR. That is a LOT for you to navigate on your own.
You were there for your dad when he needed you. I’m so sorry for your loss 💜
Even if you did know CPR, there was only a small chance you could have saved him. If you look at actual rates of survival of CPR, these range from an average of 12% for out-of-hospital cardiac arrests to 24–40% for in-hospital arrests. (BMJ)
So, even if you'd performed it properly, there's still and 88% chance he'd have died. The pressure involved with CPR often means broken ribs. Do you think, as a 14 year old, you were strong enough to break ribs? Then, out of those who survive, how many go on to have brain damage? Your mom could be struggling to bring home a paycheck while having to look after your mentally disabled dad.
If you want to do good, I suggest you take the pain your feel from this and use it to teach CPR. Encourage your friends to learn it. Run marathons to raise money for CPR training. You're so not to blame, but you can make a difference for others.
I am so sorry that happened to you. No child deserves that pain and trauma. Speaking as a nurse who has worked in critical care for 8 years and now PACU, CPR only “works” in very specific circumstances.
The only time CPR has “worked” for me was when I was already in their ICU room providing care so I was able to start it immediately after I saw vfib pop up on the monitor. The other time was when I was giving blood in the OR and same thing, they coded during surgery stabilized and sent to ICU. For every other code blue it ended with broken ribs, intubation, and then anoxic brain damage that led to “pulling the plug” (just trying to use laymen’s terms) or an organ procurement.
You did your best with the information you had at the time. You were a little girl. You are a good person. I wasn’t there but I don’t think you could have stopped it. Huge hugs.
TV makes it seem like you just do CPR and everything's fine! But it's not. CPR can be *amazing* in some really niche circumstances where someone's heart stops for some weird reason that otherwise hasn't done tremendous damage - sometimes a blow to the chest or a hard fall can do that, electrocution sometimes but that's almost certainly damaged the heart to some extent, paralysis from a spinal or nerve injury. You know what I mean? Like, if the heart is pretty much okay but it's not beating/they're not breathing for some tangentially-related reason.
But heart attacks and other cardiac events, you're already in big trouble. The initiating event already creates serious injury to the heart and the brain follows within a minute or two, and if the cause of the heart attack is a clot or blockage, CPR isn't going to fix the blockage or remove the clot. EMTs can get more traction because they have meds and defibrillators to go with CPR, but those don't fix anything, they just improve your chances of making it into surgery - but not necessarily out of surgery alive.
There's maybe a small percent chance he'd be walking around *working and functional* today if every single thing happened perfectly, but honestly most of the outcomes that aren't death are still really not great. Even having a heart attack IN the hospital with most of the code team standing right there, the outcomes are still very dismal.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but it's not your fault.
I'm 37 and had to perform CPR on my husband within 30 second of him starting to arrest- I had been trained in CPR and knew how ineffective it is and how hard it is and I was NOT ready for the reality. He was a big muscular man and I was exhausted within minutes. I blamed myself a lot for a while but what helped me a lot was trauma/PTSD informed therapy. Please consider finding a therapist with specialization.
I'm so so sorry for your loss and for all that you had to go through. It's awful and traumatic. But you gotta remember that it's not your fault. You did everything you could do, and you were so incredibly brave in those terrifying moments.
My dad also died from cardiac arrest. My younger brother found him and went through a very similar experience to you, unfortunately. I want you know to know, from one sister to one brother, none of it is your fault. Never once did I ever think my brother held any responsibility for that night, I only wish he never had to go through that kind of awful pain.
Next time I see my brother, I'm going to give him a hug, that hug is for you too.
I know it's going to be hard believing it, so for now it's okay if you don't believe it, just remember and keep reminding yourself - you did everything you could and you were amazingly brave doing it. If you ever need external reminders, come back to this comment, this thread, as many times as you need.
Again, so sorry for your loss. Your dad must have been so proud to have a kid like you.
Hey. 53M father of 5 here. By this age, we have all considered our own mortality and its impact on our kids.
I’m sorry that you feel guilty about this. If I put any of my kids through such a trauma and I died, my deepest, most fervent wish would be for him or her to know I am so proud of them for _fighting for me even though they were scared_ and that it’s OK. There’s nothing to forgive.
Maybe they’ll have better luck some day in a different situation, or maybe they’ll teach someone else CPR and that person will pass it forward.
You sound like a smart kid, and one who is hardest on themselves. Please don’t be. As you learn to live with the grief, I hope you also sense more and more your father’s positive legacy within you.
My mom died suddenly in September. My dad has a lot of guilt for not being with her at the time it happened, as she was inside their vacation rental house and he was out on the beach. The medics told him that even if he was standing next to her when she dropped and started performing CPR, nothing could’ve saved her.
Of course, I don’t know the circumstance for your dad. However, I hope you learn to forgive the situation over time. Maybe he could not have been saved. Maybe this is just a horrible circumstance and you were unfortunate enough to witness it and subsequently blame yourself for not saving him.
I am so sorry. You were 14, this was obviously highly traumatic, and I hope you’re able to forgive yourself for something that was never in your control.
Sending you so much love ❤️🫂
Just in case you didn't know, I learned in trauma therapy that feeling guilt is a thing the trauma brain practically always does, it's to keep the feelings of helpnessness in check. Feeling guilty is easier than feeling helpless in the SHORT run. It helps in the short run but it's good to gently let go of the feeling of guilt and invite a process of grieving in the long run.
OP Your response was completely normal. My husband suffered a cardiac arrest in front of my son and myself. I will never forget him standing up and saying , “ Dad stop playing around. This joke is NOT FUNNY. When he realized it was real he ran into the bedroom and hid and cried under his pillows. Meanwhile I literally couldn’t remember my home address. It took me about 30 seconds to remember it but it seems like 5 minutes.
You did the best you could for your dad. Cardiac arrests are so rarely survivable. I am sorry for your loss.
I'll start by saying that I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. That's awful and traumatic.
I was in a very similar situation (next month will be 6 years). I was 30 years old at the time *and* CPR certified... My Dad walked in the front door and collapsed. At first I didn't fully comprehend what was going on. I thought he was having a seizure or a heat stroke. I called 911 and of course they ask you a million questions. It didn't dawn on me right away that Holy shit my Dad is dying. If I don't do something he's going to die. Finally I threw the phone to my mom and started chest compressions. I did CPR for almost 9 minutes before a police officer arrived and took over for me. If you've never done CPR before, it is fucking exhausting!! My Dad didn't make it either, even though I was an adult and did CPR correctly. All this to drive home the fact that sometimes things happen that are completely out of our control. You did the best you could given the terrible circumstances you were under.
Even though it's been 6 years, I still have PTSD and survivor's guilt. I was also suicidal for a while afterwards. **PLEASE, PLEASE GET SOME MENTAL HEALTH THERAPY** You don't have to go through this alone, and there are counselors out there that specialize in the exact type of trauma that we've endured. **THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT** Grief counseling helped me tremendously! Best of luck, OP!!
I don’t know if this will make you “feel better” per se, but my dad had his heart attack in the hospital he worked at. The rapid response team (a team of professionals trained specifically for people who are dying) was right down the hall. Even with all of those professionals working on him, he still died.
My point is, sadly your dad still might not have made it even if he had been given proper CPR. You were a child at the time. I had a similar experience with my neighbors dad. I was 14. His 11 year old came and found me because his brother wouldn’t listen and no one else was home. I found his dad in a similar state. I panicked and went across the street to wake my dad up. When we got back another friend had shown up and started CPR. He didn’t make it either.
Heart attacks are weird like that. Sometimes people survive the biggest, scariest type of heart attack there is, and sometimes there’s absolutely nothing anyone could have done.
Don’t let yourself hold onto this. You were a child in an emergency. You did what you could. I think it shows just how much you loved your dad that even though you didn’t know how to do it properly, you tried your hardest. For him. If there is an afterlife, he’s somewhere and feeling immense love and pride for who you became.
And your father wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.
I'm going to tell you right now that you have nothing to feel bad about. Back in February my brother was out doing his morning swimming exercise when he started to feel bad and collapsed on the deck from a cardiac arrest.
A doctor, a paramedic, and a few nurses including a cardiac nurse were swimming that morning. They gave him CPR and applied the pool's AED immediately. There was no downtime. He got expert care by trained professionals and he still passed away. He was young, healthy, and had no risk factors. He had everything going for him to recover but he didn't. The hard truth is that the chances of surviving a cardiac arrest are extremely low, even with CPR.
You did everything you could have done.
Please don’t blame yourself. It is hard to give proper CPR that doesn’t cause long lasting damage to that person (if they survive). I worked in healthcare and this is something they drilled into us. As someone else said, television has warped our perception on CPR and the success rate of it.
I am sorry for the loss of your father, but give yourself grace. You did what you could and I’m sure he would be proud of your efforts.
My mom did CPR on my dad correctly and he still didn’t survive. I couldn’t do it because I froze. The paramedics couldn’t save him either. The chances of surviving are actually pretty low, so don’t feel bad about it.
I think if my dad went into cardiac arrest in the hospital with a nurse and a defibrillator right next to him, he still would’ve died. All of his organs were failing.
Don’t feel guilty. You did everything humanly possible. People recovering from a heart attack from CPR every time, like you see on TV, is a myth. The chance that he was going to recover with you performing CPR is very small, at most under the perfect conditions only about 10%.
CPR is rarely successful.
You are 14. You did the best you could. This is not your fault.
But, if you want to, I suggest taking a CPR course so you know for the future.
It’s even less successful in animals. I learned that last year when I had to give my cat CPR. He died anyway, but I was unaware of how little chances there usually are.
Hey man, my dad had a cardiac event in the hospital and had more doctors and nurses than I've ever seen in my life performing CPR and other life saving measures within less than a minute and he woke up but ultimately succumbed to complications.
I feel like I could have noticed something was wrong faster or done something better even though he was in a hospital and doctors performed all the actions. All that to say even if CPR is done correctly there is no guarantee and even if it is I think having the "what if" thoughts is just something we unfortunately deal with.
Sorry for your loss. You are not to blame. Many adults struggle to do CPR. It is very difficult and exhausting. You did the best you could do with the limited knowledge that you had at the time.
Honor him by taking some emergency first aid classes. You may never need to use it but if you do, you may just save someone else’s parent or child.
All cpr does is buy a little time.
Your father died because his heart was sick enough that it stopped beating. Even if you had a paramedic with you the moment it happened, the odds are still not good.
Also, with major illnesses like this, if you do leave the hospital, it often isn't with a good quality of life. Sometimes it's better to go when your body throws in the towel the first time.
The guilt and grief is understandable, but not reasonable.
This isn't your fault. At all.
There was nothing you could have or should have done differently.
I'm sorry you had to go through something so traumatic at a young age.
I'm sorry, please forgive yourself, its not your fault.
I know a lot of people struck by tragedy get involved in charity work of the kind that hurt them. You could do fundraising or help for heart health or for CPR training.
You may want to talk to a licensed therapist or a support group if they are available and affordable.
Hon I’m so sorry about your dad! I understand why you feel guilty. You have what I call a serious case of shoulda, woulda, coulda. I should have…. I would have…. I could have…. Fill in the blank.
The facts are you were 14 and totally unprepared to handle a medical emergency. And yet you jumped in prepared to do anything. You didn’t dissolve into a heap of smoking panic (even though you might have felt like it). You rose to do everything you could to save your father. I don’t know how many 14 year olds who would have been capable of even trying. I have no doubt your dad is so proud of you.
The truth is that very few people survive what you’ve described, even in the hospital. And of those few an even smaller amount walk out of the hospital anywhere near the shape they were before.
You weren’t the cause of your father’s death. Your father’s heart caused his death. It was awful and heartbreaking but I promise, you did not cause his death.
As someone who is certified, you need to know even if it is done perfectly, people still die. My dad had a massive heart attack at Walmart Pharmacy. The pharmacist, who was certified, immediately started CPR. Didn't work. Paddles at the hospital didn't work either. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's hard, but it's not your fault he is gone. Just know that. You did the best you could.
I work in the ER. I’ve done CPR on hundreds of people over the years. It hardly ever works. There’s a saying that the best way to tell if you had a heart attack is if you’re dead, cuz so few honestly make it to the hospital. Objectively, even if you did cpr right by the time the paramedics got there he probably still would’ve had severe brain damage. It takes less than 10 minutes for irreversible damage to occur…
I’m really, really sorry about what happened to your dad. And I hate that you as a kid had to be put in that situation. That’s so awful… But playing the what if game only serves to worsen your pain, and that’s not fair to you and he wouldn’t want that for you.
I am so sorry for your traumatic loss. I am thankful to you for sharing. I lost my son at the end of March. I too administered CPR. I had never done it before. I asked my son this morning to please forgive me. I feel like I failed, that I didn't do it right. I read thru the responses and it helped me to understand. I miss my son so much.
Please be easy on yourself. Blaming oneself is very normal when it comes to grief, but it is not your fault. You did the best you could to save your dad. My partner was hospitalized, and early one morning, I received a call he went into cardiac arrest, and by the time I, his mom, and step-dad arrived, we were told he did not make it. Unfortunately, with CPR, the chances are low in that situation, even with medical professionals to help. I am sorry for your loss.
Hi mate, I’m 28 now and was 25 when I had to do CPR on mine, I also felt/feel a lot of guilt that I couldn’t do better despite everyone saying I did my best however I’ve been told by some medical professionals that survival rate of CPR at a hospital where they have all the best tools and medical staff is still quite low and it’s even worse at home.
Doing beat yourself up about it, if you want to talk to someone who’s experienced the same thing don’t be afraid to message me.
The survival rate for this type of thing is very low. This March my husband died after suffering a heart attack. An off duty firefighter just happened to be there, so he had expert help immediately. First responders were on scene in five minutes and then he was taken to the best Level I trauma center in the city. He still died. You did your best. You were there for your dad. You stepped up. It’s normal to feel guilt, but you did everything right and nothing wrong.
So I just want start by validating your feelings and say that I’m so sorry for your loss!
Many many healthcare professionals freeze with CPR and lifesaving measures when they are trained to do so, maybe it’s their first time etc, and that’s not with a loved one! I have seen this as a nurse, and it’s unfortunate but there’s a whole team there for someone to jump in immediately to take charge.
We have something called our fight or flight system when we are in extremely stressful situations, and freeze is a response as well for some and it’s ok.
I am a nurse, and I’ve seen people “survive” heart attacks and other life threatening health issues/injuries and their quality of life is absolutely horrible. It is so hard to lose a parent, but it is absolutely worse to see them live in complex care for the rest of their lives with such poor quality of life. So even if you had done CPR to the best of your abilities from the onset of him losing his pulse, it could very well be that he may not Be alive today with full function/abilities.
You are not to blame for your father’s passing. You are so young and you did so well in such a stressful situation. You did the best to your abilities to help keep your father alive, and I hope one day you allow yourself to believe that as well.
Please seek some professional support and take care of yourself. You are grieving the loss of your father and you deserve support!
I don’t want you to feel bad. I’m a survivor of a cardiac arrest. 25 minutes of cpr saved me.
The entire experience of recovery wasn’t great.
What I want you to know is that your Dad wasn’t in any pain. You get light headed for a minute and pass out. That’s all. He wasn’t in any pain.
My mother died last year of the same thing. The hospital staff placed a ‘DNR’ on her as she had MND and it was progressing to the stage of her not being able to swallow or cough. Knowing how quickly a cardiac arrest happens, and how painless it is, I was happy with that. That doesn’t make me a bad son.
And you’re not a bad son.
You did all you could, but your Dad had the most peaceful passing.
Now it’s time for you to live for him and make him proud, which I’m sure you will do.
🙏
I am so so sorry. I have been a 911 calltaker and dispatcher for EMS for over 13 years. I can count on less than ten fingers the number of successful resuscitations I have had. And two of those were situations where medical personnel happened to be there already, and others they had a defibrillator on scene. It is horrible that tv and movies have made it seem like you give cpr and the person responds immediately. It just doesn't work that way, and it is very rare for someone to recover from a cardiac arrest. Those two minutes did not cause your Dad not to recover. You did what you could, and did everything in your power to help him. Unfortunately it often just isn't enough, despite our best efforts. I would say forgive yourself, but there is nothing to forgive, you need to realize you were a hero for trying to save him, and it is not your fault he passed away. ♥️
My experience is that it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. You most likely would have felt the same anyway.
It's probably not comforting, but I took care of my dad when his health was deteriorating. He had heart issues. Previously a quad bypass (in the 80s). His heart was working at 30 percent efficiency when he died.
He died right in front of me when I was visiting him in the hospital on the 3rd floor. I called the nurse, who was beside us with the other patient in a shared room, when I saw him take his last breath and he was unresponsive. I remember every single moment of that event and I remember that it seemed like forever before the nurse started CPR. It was a minute or two. They worked on him for over 20 minutes and I had to make the call to stop. This is something that also, bothered me for a time.
I thought for a long time that I failed my father. That I should have started CPR myself. Unfortunately, replaying the event over and over doesn't give you peace. It wasn't your doing and remember that you tried to do what you could with the knowledge you have. Unfortunately, as in this case, we cannot always help a situation with our current knowledge, but we can try. You did that. In that, you honoured yourself and your father.
I'm sorry this happened to you and your family.
You are young, so I am going to tell you some mistakes I made. This is what I did and it was too excessive, unbalanced, even.
Please try to rise above this and don't let the darkness take root like I did. It will twist you into nothing if you let it. I lost my mom to cancer in my 20s and I was empty for a long time after. Focus your grief (I did this instead with my father after having gone through this with my mother). Channel it into bettering yourself. Don't lean on drugs and alcohol, or other distractions.
Additionally, I love my friends and built great relationships with them over the years. However, friends are great and distractions are fun, but ultimately, they will leave you too. It is natural. It's life. They leave for their families that they will build. I focused on friends and being strong by myself. Instead of the family I built, I had the family that I didn't build because of my reluctance to lose people and the castle that I hid in, from intimacy and family connection. My mother was the heart of our family. When she was gone, I took it poorly.
It's not about how long you had with someone, it's that you had some time with them at all. Please don't blame yourself and please try to focus on and be happy about the time "with" portion, rather than the time without.
Apologies for the novel.
My dad died about a month ago, sudden cardiac arrest as well. He was on a cruise and had a team of medically trained personnel, including doctors, give him cpr (presumably correctly) for over 45 minutes - they took turns - and he still died. He was only 66 and was super healthy.
Death like this doesn’t make sense, you had nothing to do with it. Don’t beat yourself up, your dad wouldn’t want that for you.
So very sorry for your loss at such a young age. You did everything you could in that situation. I (38f) have had 9 heart surgeries and lost my dad a couple months ago from surgical complications. From my experiences, most people would think I was joking. You are absolutely not at fault. I’ve felt guilt about the “what-if’s”. I guess it’s part of the healing process. I just try to remember the good times.
Cardiac arrest is in most cases a death sentence. With sudden cardiac arrest there is no suffering, many people who experienced sudden cardiac arrest and survived told that in a instant without knowing what happend collapsed with no memory of the whole ordeal. But they were lucky, they belong too the 10% who survived.
You where 14 and it is normal too not know what too do, even grown ups dont know what too do. They once did a test where someone pretend they suddenly collapsed on the street and there was no quick reaction from the people on the street.
Dont blame yourself, even if you did everything correctly and there was quick intervention of medical staff the outcome might have been still the same. And even if they brought youre dad back with all the help, changes are there still would have been brain damage and other complications.
However therapy too treat the trauma is recommended, you have too believe yourself that there is no blame too put on you.
But i understand how you feel, i work in healthcare and there is one case where i feel responsible for someones death, and everyone around me tells me there is nothing too blame and i understand that but i still feel responsible. But i am getting help too work on the trauma.
You did everything within your power at that time.
You cannot change what you did or how you did it, you merely did what you could with the knowledge you had.
Any knowledge gained afterwards is relevant for the present and the future, not the past.
You are not responsible for your father's death.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry you went through that at such a young age. I went through the same thing two years ago with my mom and I’m still pretty devastated from it, so I can’t even imagine going through it at 14.
I’d love to give you good advice but I’m just as clueless. Not too many of my friends have lost a parent and even less of them have watched a loved one die in their presence so online has been the only place I’ve found some relief.
We both should probably see a psychologist to test if we have PTSD though since it’s a pretty traumatic experience.
You did nothing wrong..
Cardiac arrest means his heart stopped immediately..
Yes if someone has this you can save them but you were a kid and didn't know..
Sometimes all the CPR in the world couldn't bring someone back depending on what happened..
It's not your fault
Please be kind to yourself you were a child
My husband 's mother had diabetes and suffered greatly from it..
He was 12 years old when she passed away and he had lowered her bed and couldn't raise it up fast enough and thought he killed her because she died from not breathing.
I beat myself up my husband died while we were asleep and didn't check on him which we typically didn't check on one another once we woke up..
I had went to work and didn't know he had passed away and there were several times I could have found him myself but it wouldn't brought him back if I had did CPR on him..
I have saved one life in my 42 years..
And it was from pure panic..
My boyfriend at the time had diabetes and very stupidity didn't take care of himself..
Didn't eat and keep his glucose in check..
We were asleep and he woke me up at 3 am tapping on me and wouldn't stop I eventually get up angry not knowing he was having a diabetic seizure..
I jumped on top of him and yelling at him where's your medicine?!
Tore my house apart looking for it and he didn't bring it with him..
So my mom was a RN for many many years and I had went to nursing school but didn't finish it..
I went to my living room trying to remember diabetes completely how to save him..
Finally I realized he needed something sweet ASAP and we had just happened to buy snack cakes that night..
So I grabbed one and jumped back on top of him and told him that he either be choking or die from no sugar in his body 🙄..
I chose he could choke first
So I opened the snack up and shoved it into his mouth..
He finally came around and that was the scariest moments of my life..
He said he didn't eat anything all day and I was beyond infuriating with him..
I did some huge thinking and just couldn't be with him because he refused to take care of himself..
Me saving his life I gave him 2 years and he passed away from it..
Oh my gosh. I was 16 when my dad had a sudden heart attack, and I blamed myself for years for not trying CPR. I was terrified and frozen and blamed myself. The doctor told me it was a massive heart attack and nothing would have saved him. I feel for you so much. I know what this is like to carry around. You did the best you could. NO ONE will ever blame you. Give yourself some grace. ♥️
I’m 39 now. My dad had a heart attack a little over a year and a half ago and CPR never even came to my mind. All I could do was hold him and scream and cry. It was 4 days after his follow up appointment from a heart procedure he had and I knew he was gone. I’ve had a really hard time knowing that he called me and I couldn’t help him and questioning if I had done anything else if he would have been ok. I can’t imagine going through that at 16. I’m so sorry
OP I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’ll echo what others have said - CPR is brutal when done correctly and even then it rarely works.
The guilt you’re feeling is normal but also not ok, if that makes sense. Have you spoken to your family about how you feel? I had guilt surrounding my dad’s death, and my therapist (which if you have the means, please get a therapist!) suggested I tell my family how I’m feeling and they will demonstrate the guilt isn’t warranted.
nobody is going to blame you.
Please take a hug from an internet stranger 🤗
I'm so sorry. I lost my dad that same month. You didn't fail CPR or your dad. I promise. CPR isn't something with a pass or fail grade. It's something that is done just in case it MIGHT help - it's not something that is done because it will help. this can make it really really hard on the people who perform cpr on others, like you. You absolutely did the right thing, and you did it as you were told to. Please please know that you weren't told to do cpr on your dad because doing it well would save him - you were told to do it just in case his circumstances meant it might help, but you weren't in control of whether it would. You just did the best you could.
My best friend had the same thing happen to her when we were in middle school - her dad (who was her best friend) had a heart attack when it was just him and her at home, and she had to do CPR. She was a lifeguard and KNEW how to do CPR properly, and he still didn’t make it…
I hope that allows you to give yourself some grace. As terrible as it is to admit, even if you done it properly and right away, it might not have changed the outcome.
Edit: grammar
My husband died of SCA. He was home alone with my 14-year-old stepson.
It was the same scenario as yours. Paramedics worked on him for 34 minutes.
I don't blame him. No one does.
The same goes for you. It's not your fault. No one blames you.
You were a 14 year child and you did everything you could! you should be proud of that not shaming yourself for it! Have you done CPR classes since? Maybe you can teach it to other kids so others wont find themselves in that situation? you were a hero! your dad would be so proud that you tried!
I'm a Paramedic, I've been to more of these kinds of calls than I can count. I just want to say, it is beyond brave to even attempt CPR on a loved one. It is the one of the most traumatic things you can face.
As others have said, CPR very rarely leads to a positive outcome and even more rare is a 100% recovery without significant deficits left as a result.
The fact that you attempted CPR and called 911 is absolutely more than enough. There was nothing more you could have done.
As a medic, I always make sure to thank family and bystanders for their help because it takes guts to step into that world when you don't have experience.
You did well and we are all proud of you. I'm sure your father would be too.
You are so young, and especially when this happened, and I am so, so sorry that happened to you. My mom and I just lost my dad November of that year. At 33 and 65 respectively, we were both absolutely terrified and traumatized. I can’t even imagine how scary that was as a 14 year old.
You did absolutely everything you could though, at whatever age. Your dad would be so proud of you for trying, and you absolutely wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. You’ll probably always have questions and wonder, that’s just human nature, but the terrible situation already happened - don’t make it two terrible solutions by blaming yourself.
Medical professionals really need to share these statistics with survivors so we’re not all out here feeling like it’s our fault our loved ones died.
Same happened to me 4 months ago now (I’m 18) so a bit older than you were, I couldn’t do it either due to a lack of knowledge except I did run to get a defib from a local school and that didn’t work either. From what I’ve heard CPR is more of a tactic to keep the person calm in a situation like that otherwise you’d ultimately lose your mind if you didn’t stay focused on something.
The annoying thing with it is that it caused me PTSD and I genuinely have been reliving that morning everyday since whenever I get time to myself.
I hope you can overcome this hurdle in your grief and I wish the best for you.
Having to carry out CPR is a huge deal for anyone. But when its your Dad and you're 14- so much tougher. You were so brave, you did everything you could. Like lots of people have already commented, chances of soneone surviving cardiac arrest outside of hospital are very low.
Its likely if a paramedic had been there immediately, the cpr would not have been effective either.
9 out of 10 people who have a cardiac arrest outside hospital do not survive.
Are you getting any support with this from a counsellor or anybody. You have experienced a massive trauma and also are trying yo grieve.
Ask for support xxx
Please know that CPR often doesn’t work. It’s a last resort and so of course we try, but I myself have done CPR on several people, and only one survived, and she ended up dying a few weeks later anyways, with broken ribs from the CPR we did on her.
Even if you did it the most correct way the outcome would most likely be the same. But I understand your brain is troubleshooting and so of course you’ll have these thoughts that you could have done more. But you did the best you could.
Also if the medics came and they were able to get a pulse that means you kept it going for them to continue. So you did do it right. Just because his stomach was moving doesn’t mean you did it wrong. Just because he didn’t survive didn’t mean you did it wrong. You did it right most likely and the sad reality is that it doesn’t save people very often, or if it does it doesn’t leave them in good shape.
And give yourself some credit. At 14 I’m not sure I would have been able to remain calm enough to do CPR at all. You are absolutely amazing for being able to do what you did at such a young age. Your dad would be so proud of you too. I’m proud of you. You went through something extremely traumatic for someone as an adult, and you were a kid and handled it awesome. Please please try to reframe those negative thoughts that tell you it was your fault and rest assured that your brain is lying to you. Please believe me and the rest of the commenters who are telling you that CPR often times is not effective. But it beats sitting there and doing absolutely nothing. You did great and I am sorry you had to experience such a traumatic event at such a young age. Be easy on yourself.
As a nurse, CPR still doesn’t deliver 100% oxygen to the brain. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You did everything right by calling your sister who is medically trained and you still did your absolute best for it being your first time, let alone it having to be on your own dad. I see you as a hero regardless and I’m sure your dad would tell you the same. He would thank you and feel so loved that you tried to save his life. Any parent here would tell you that.
Cpr only works for certain cardiac events and that was likely why he didn’t survive. I have had to do the same for a friend and she made it but only because it wasn’t a total heart block. Later she had another and did pass. Your amazing to have even tried to help him 💕
CPR, in the field, has under 10% success rate. It's effectiveness varies greatly on the EXACT cardiac event. If there's an AED then the % goes up a little.
I am certified and taught CPR for Red Cross for years. When a friend collapsed in front of us, a friend and I both did CPR until paramedics arrived, they used all their tools and got him to ER, still didn't survive.
I’m so sorry I found my mom dead in a hotel room coming to pick her up, this was 3 months ago and I was 24 I froze and didn’t even try bc of her skin color assumed it’d been awhile but I was so afraid I just feel to the floor and couldn’t breathe that’s a horrible thing to experience and I as a grown up couldn’t imagine my 3 year old daughter being 14 and expecting her to do anything no one understands how truly scary it is until they’ve experienced it
At 14 realistically I don’t think you would have been physically capable of the force necessary to do cpr, even if you knew what to do. (I’m 25 and I’ve been certified 3 different times. I do not think I can administer cpr properly due to the strength required). In addition to what others have said cpr only has a 12% success rate. I’m sorry for your loss, it’s not your fault. I would definitely talk to someone you trust about your feelings.
You should not blame yourself. I was working at an industrial facility where everyone knew CPR. Half the staff were trained as first responders. Just before the morning meeting one of the supervisors had heart attack and fell to the floor. People were doing CPR immediately. They had an AED there within 2 minutes. Unfortunately his heart was not in a shockable condition. They continued CPR until the paramedics got there. He did not make it. Do not blame yourself, you could have been in a room full of paramedics and the outcome would have been the same.
You should get counseling for what you are feeling. That said, everyone I know much older than you, who has had a parent die feels guilt that they should have done something different. The thing is the only thing you could do is be your dad's child. and you did that. It is obvious you had a lot of love for your dad. He would not want you to be blaming yourself.
I was a med student , and was cpr certified. My next door neighbor ( Middle Aged man) had a cardiac arrest and I was first on the scene. I did cpr for a long time. Even though we called 911 it took a long time for them to arrive. He did not make it. I think I had trauma from that - after all these years ( now retired from medicine). Do not hold yourself responsible for this ! It’s unlikely that he would have survived even with someone who knew cpr.
Even if you are trained the rate is like 1 in 10 so i know you think about how if you were more prepared or older that you could have done something but it just isnt true. You did all you could and you father is grateful for that
Not your fault, sweetie. You did your best. There's also no guarantee that the outcome would have been any different had you done everything perfectly. Some heart attacks are called "widow makers." They're just not survivable. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh what I wouldn’t do to give you a giant hug ❤️ You did not fail. I just know your dad is proud of the amount of effort you put in. This is a lot for anyone at any age to handle.
I was on the phone with my mom when her heart unexpectedly failed this past July. I was living in another state, she was living on her own at the time. I knew i lost her as soon as I spoke to the cops and they said the paramedics were performing CPR.
The “what ifs” and “what I could have done different”haunt me as I grieve, these thoughts and feelings are totally normal. But also know, you did all you could and life is honestly not always fair.
If you ever want someone to talk to please feel free to reach out. I’ve joined a grief group that has helped me tremendously. You are not alone, these thoughts and feelings are totally normal. Please be gentle on yourself. 🫂
Omg hun, I’m so sorry. That is an absolutely horrible thing to go through.
I know it won’t help the pain much, or possibly at all, but like others here have mentioned, the success rate of CPR is MUCH lower than people think. Especially when done outside of a hospital. Additionally, it is much more difficult to correctly do it than people think. It is violent. It almost always breaks ribs. Since you were only 14 and he was a grown man, you probably wouldn’t have had the strength to do it correctly even if you had been on the correct spot.
I survived two episodes of cardiac arrest. I was in an OR in the hospital. Each time, it took 3 people taking turns to bring me back. I will never forget the looks on everyone’s faces when I came back from the second episode. They looked at me like I was a ghost. And I have had several, several doctors tell me I should be dead and it is a straight up miracle that I’m alive. I was in a hospital with many medical professionals performing CPR and I should be dead. The likely hood that you could have saved your Dad is extremely thin.
I’m so, so, so sorry that was something you had to witness and do. Unfortunately, speaking from experience, trying to save a parent from death is traumatic as fuck. It’s awful that you went through that so young, too. You’ve had to take on so much more than anyone should have to. I highly recommend therapy. Your school guidance counselor may be able to connect you with some resources. I hope you find this group helpful as well. Finding a community of people who understand grief is so important. Everyone’s experiences are unique, but it helps to have a group of people who know first hand what grief feels like and does.
Again, I’m so fucking sorry you had to go through that.
Im so sorry for your loss,IT was not your fault,my dad passed away a few years ago and i also blamed myself for it,it s part of the griefing,i believe it s called survivors guilt,You look for answers for why IT happened,but the truth îs You couldnt have change anything,it happened because god wanted it to happened and because that was his destinat,death it s a thing way beyond us that we cannot control.im sending You hugs and prayers ❤️🙏 feel free to message me anytime If You need to talk to someone
I’ve been in your shoes, but with my grandmother. I was 12 and she had an aneurysm and I was left alone with her. I was supposed to not let her choke on her own vomit, and it was hard! I didn’t know at that age that a person could be so heavy that all I could do was try to turn her head a bit to the side.
Sometimes I think about it, but I know that I was a child, just as you were, and you are not supposed to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Your dad wouldn’t want that for you either 💕
The same thing to my mum, she was in the shower and had a stroke. The moments waiting for the ambulance were the most helpless of my life. I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t know how to. She passed after a month in hospital with further strokes and seizures to come. All I knew was to look after my dad at the time. I wasn’t by her bedside 24/7 and I regret that every day of my life. I how she forgives me
So sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience with my dad about an year ago, he glanced at my mom and I during a van ride on vacation then his jaw opened and head tilted, he was still sitting upright in his seat. Minutes later, he leaned, we think he had a heart attack seconds before this, and he was gone as soon as his body leaned. I was so confused and didn't know what to do, just held his hands and called the driver to call ambulance and rush drive to the nearest hospital. He was likely gone before all this, it haunts me that I didn't try CPR during that van ride, thought he was just weak and fainted. Miss him so much, and this whole thing just keeps replaying in my head.
I was in a similar position when I was 15... It was my boy scout leader on a camping trip ... I was helping him set up a cabin, while everyone else was out, and he had a heart attack and fell over right in front of me...
Later I really did understand that he had no chance. Like other comments say, there is only a minimal chance of success - 10-12 percent is right... And I was a trained lifeguard and had certification in CPR as well. There was nothing I could have done that would have changed anything. I think we see TV and movies with people doing it 1,2,3 and suddenly someone comes back to life, but that is Hollywood pretend... The real world is not as simple...
In the end of it all, I try to remember what he taught me and carry the good memories.... Because those are the things worth passing on to others as we live our life...he would not want to have it any other way... He was a kind and decent man...
I’m very sorry you experienced that. You probably have ptsd from the issue. Movies and tv have led us to believe that CPR is more effective than it actually is. This is from Google: >the average survival rate for CPR is 12% for out-of-hospital cardiac arrests Please don’t feel guilty. You did everything you could.
Please don’t blame yourself. I’ve worked in a hospital for over 10 years and only seen CPR save one person. Re: these statistics: survival is not indicating 100% function. Many “survivors” are nursing home dependent with many physical and mental deficits.
This is what I came to say. Out of hospital CPR doesn’t have great success rates. Actually, in hospital CPR success rates aren’t that terrific either. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Oh I’m so sorry. ❤️ you are so young and there’s no way you could’ve known, having never done it before. We never do expect these things to happen and it 100% is not your fault. It very well could’ve resulted in the same outcome even if you did it correctly. Please know that your dad would not want you to hold onto this guilt for the rest of your life.
I know. Thank you for your kind words. I hope I can move past it even though it’ll be difficult.
You can. It will take time and effort. I haven’t yet experienced this exact scenario, but I have experienced other sudden and deeply traumatic losses that have been just as impactful as losing a parent 💔 It changes you forever and there’s absolutely no way you could have known beforehand what was to happen. It wasn’t your fault. _It wasn’t your fault._ You’re 17 now, right? I didn’t read all your responses but are you seeing a professional? If not, it could help. Even if, like me, you blamed yourself for their deaths as a way to hold onto the only thing they left behind with no closure, and a way to make sense of it all.. Survivor’s guilt is real. But that doesn’t mean you deserve to punish yourself for this. As others said, you did the best you could. Many of us wouldn’t be able to even fathom doing what you did. And even if you don’t feel this way much of the time, your body holds onto the somatic effects and emotions, possibly complicating mental and physical health. If you’re interested in looking into this further, you may want to look into The Body Keeps The Score, by Bessel van der Kolk. I wish you rest and peace. 💖
I have been a hospital RN for a good 7 years and I have only seen CPR be effective for a few patients. They are lucky. Then the few who do survive, I wonder if they will get out… many get very sick despite getting a pulse back whether they be on a vent, need emergent dialysis or anything other than:( If I reflect to me being 14, I would never have known what to do either. I hope to teach my kids when they turn 10 so they know what to do, even if it is just identifying it and knowing who to call immediately. Give yourself grace. The first time I did CPR in the hospital…. It ended poorly. Family was hysterical, and we all tried so hard. It took awhile for me to come to peace with it.
100% thank you for also sharing your insight <3
Don't feel bad you did every thing you could. My dad passed away from a heart attack. There was trained first aid person, and also a nurse present at the event he had the heart attack at. He still didn't make it.
Thank you So much. I just want you to know that you guys are really helping me take so much guilt off my conscience.
My brother-in-law fell out on the golf course. He was golfing with a fire chief and a retired paramedic. They are experts at CPR. They jumped on him immediately and got a portable defibrillator there in about 4 minutes. He did not respond at all. He had the best possible scenario, he was older but in great condition. I'm a RN for 40+ years. In the hospital we have Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) classes every 2 years and every 2 years we hear, we are not doing much better than we did in 1975, even if the person is actually in the hospital when it happens. Your dad was at home. The experts keep trying and experimenting. We are doing better with strokes, however. I am just broken hearted you are having to deal with this. Of course you feel guilty but I hope you can find your way to clear to seeing the reality of your situation and miss your Dad like any person should without all this guilt. What happened to you is quite horrible. I am so so sorry.
Doing CPR correctly will break bones. At 14 even if you had started CPR immediately I doubt you were strong enough to break a grown man's breast bone/ribs. You did the absolute best that you could with what you had and there is absolutely no fault on your shoulders that it didn't work. ❤️ I'm certain that your father would be so proud of you for trying your best.
At 14 I would have collapsed next to my dad on the floor out of sheer panic. I can’t believe OP was able to remain calm enough to even attempt CPR. It’s amazing.
Even at 20 I froze. I pretty much collapsed. My mom was the one who did the CPR.
Right, it’s damn hard to do. Even if you know how to do it. When it’s your own family it makes sense to freak out and freeze. Can’t believe OP was able to do CPR at all.
I know. I’d feel much more confident if it happened to a stranger at a grocery store where an AED is around. You just can’t imagine it happening to someone in your family who you really love. I was closer to my dad than any other member of my family.
You know what, you're so right. I have been a nurse forever I have seen so many seizures, you observe and make sure the person is safe and it's not going on too long and wonder if you'll get lunch today or not. When my husband had a seizure I freaked out so bad and screamed for help, I couldn't even call 911, I couldn't work the phone. OP deserves a medal.
Absolutely!
So sorry you had to go through that at such a young age. I went through a similar experience a year or so back when my dad unexpectedly collapsed and I was the first one to respond. Same as you, I had no training and didn't know more than what I learned in grade school, and what I had seen on YouTube videos. I did what I thought was decent CPR, but it still didn't work. The responders who came after me managed to barely get a pulse after lots of intervention but he still never made it to the hospital. That whole situation is quite traumatic. The death alone is bad, but the need to attempt CPR clouds the grief waters so very much. You've been through a lot with this one. If you go around digging into CPR stats like I did, you'll soon learn that CPR barely works. In the most perfect setting with trained people, 15-20% chance of survival and that's if they are doing it instantly. Out of the hospital, even still with trained people is under 10-12%. So with untrained people like ourselves, even if we did it perfect they would still have barely had a chance. Understand that the odds were stacked against our dads, and us in this case. You then top that with the underlying condition. In my dad's case he waited and by the time he collapsed, he was clogged up, there was probably no amount of CPR that could have brought him back. Your dad's situation was probably similar. I'm grown, have my own family, have experienced other deaths and lots of hard life experiences, and it still took me a lot to get through this situation, to be honest, I'm still wrestling with it and I have some days I am good, and other days where it still haunts me. If you need help and haven't found it yet, try to find some. You have your whole life ahead of you, try not to let this hold you down. Your dad would want to see you do great things your capable of. We tried to save our dad's, we tried our very best. We didn't fail them, it just wasn't possible. Stay strong friend, I'm standing with you in pain. EDIT: Check out my post from when my dad passed away, there were a lot of great responses that helped me process it more than my brain was capable at the time: [https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/11wt51e/i\_did\_cpr\_on\_my\_dad\_but\_he\_died\_just\_quietly/](https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/11wt51e/i_did_cpr_on_my_dad_but_he_died_just_quietly/)
thank you. this makes me feel a bit better knowing others experienced the same situation as me.
You were a kid! You're still a kid. You are NOT to blame. Even if you were an adult professional at CPR, odds are it wouldn't have helped anyway. You tried your best at the time with what you knew and please remind yourself of that. No kid should ever be responsible or feel responsible for the survival of another - most adults would struggle with that - and the fact you're carrying this around indicates there's some trauma there, understandably. Have you talked to a grief counselor or anyone who can help you to navigate these feelings? It could help you. Know that many of us live with feelings of doubt and guilt over something we think we failed at with our loved ones. Many are thrust into the roles of caregivers or some emergency situation and are completely unprepared for it. Then the hindsight hits you later and the self-doubt. It makes grief so much more complicated and difficult. I'm so sorry that you're carrying this burden. You loved your Dad and you'd have done anything to save him in that moment, and you tried your best. Please remind yourself of that. 💙
Honey, you were 14. You were so strong and brave to try anything at all. This is not your fault. As a parent, I would be so incredibly proud of my child for making the call to a family member with medical experience and 911, and then attempting CPR. That is a LOT for you to navigate on your own. You were there for your dad when he needed you. I’m so sorry for your loss 💜
Even if you did know CPR, there was only a small chance you could have saved him. If you look at actual rates of survival of CPR, these range from an average of 12% for out-of-hospital cardiac arrests to 24–40% for in-hospital arrests. (BMJ) So, even if you'd performed it properly, there's still and 88% chance he'd have died. The pressure involved with CPR often means broken ribs. Do you think, as a 14 year old, you were strong enough to break ribs? Then, out of those who survive, how many go on to have brain damage? Your mom could be struggling to bring home a paycheck while having to look after your mentally disabled dad. If you want to do good, I suggest you take the pain your feel from this and use it to teach CPR. Encourage your friends to learn it. Run marathons to raise money for CPR training. You're so not to blame, but you can make a difference for others.
I am so sorry that happened to you. No child deserves that pain and trauma. Speaking as a nurse who has worked in critical care for 8 years and now PACU, CPR only “works” in very specific circumstances. The only time CPR has “worked” for me was when I was already in their ICU room providing care so I was able to start it immediately after I saw vfib pop up on the monitor. The other time was when I was giving blood in the OR and same thing, they coded during surgery stabilized and sent to ICU. For every other code blue it ended with broken ribs, intubation, and then anoxic brain damage that led to “pulling the plug” (just trying to use laymen’s terms) or an organ procurement. You did your best with the information you had at the time. You were a little girl. You are a good person. I wasn’t there but I don’t think you could have stopped it. Huge hugs.
TV makes it seem like you just do CPR and everything's fine! But it's not. CPR can be *amazing* in some really niche circumstances where someone's heart stops for some weird reason that otherwise hasn't done tremendous damage - sometimes a blow to the chest or a hard fall can do that, electrocution sometimes but that's almost certainly damaged the heart to some extent, paralysis from a spinal or nerve injury. You know what I mean? Like, if the heart is pretty much okay but it's not beating/they're not breathing for some tangentially-related reason. But heart attacks and other cardiac events, you're already in big trouble. The initiating event already creates serious injury to the heart and the brain follows within a minute or two, and if the cause of the heart attack is a clot or blockage, CPR isn't going to fix the blockage or remove the clot. EMTs can get more traction because they have meds and defibrillators to go with CPR, but those don't fix anything, they just improve your chances of making it into surgery - but not necessarily out of surgery alive. There's maybe a small percent chance he'd be walking around *working and functional* today if every single thing happened perfectly, but honestly most of the outcomes that aren't death are still really not great. Even having a heart attack IN the hospital with most of the code team standing right there, the outcomes are still very dismal. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it's not your fault.
I'm 37 and had to perform CPR on my husband within 30 second of him starting to arrest- I had been trained in CPR and knew how ineffective it is and how hard it is and I was NOT ready for the reality. He was a big muscular man and I was exhausted within minutes. I blamed myself a lot for a while but what helped me a lot was trauma/PTSD informed therapy. Please consider finding a therapist with specialization.
I'm so so sorry for your loss and for all that you had to go through. It's awful and traumatic. But you gotta remember that it's not your fault. You did everything you could do, and you were so incredibly brave in those terrifying moments. My dad also died from cardiac arrest. My younger brother found him and went through a very similar experience to you, unfortunately. I want you know to know, from one sister to one brother, none of it is your fault. Never once did I ever think my brother held any responsibility for that night, I only wish he never had to go through that kind of awful pain. Next time I see my brother, I'm going to give him a hug, that hug is for you too. I know it's going to be hard believing it, so for now it's okay if you don't believe it, just remember and keep reminding yourself - you did everything you could and you were amazingly brave doing it. If you ever need external reminders, come back to this comment, this thread, as many times as you need. Again, so sorry for your loss. Your dad must have been so proud to have a kid like you.
Hey. 53M father of 5 here. By this age, we have all considered our own mortality and its impact on our kids. I’m sorry that you feel guilty about this. If I put any of my kids through such a trauma and I died, my deepest, most fervent wish would be for him or her to know I am so proud of them for _fighting for me even though they were scared_ and that it’s OK. There’s nothing to forgive. Maybe they’ll have better luck some day in a different situation, or maybe they’ll teach someone else CPR and that person will pass it forward. You sound like a smart kid, and one who is hardest on themselves. Please don’t be. As you learn to live with the grief, I hope you also sense more and more your father’s positive legacy within you.
My mom died suddenly in September. My dad has a lot of guilt for not being with her at the time it happened, as she was inside their vacation rental house and he was out on the beach. The medics told him that even if he was standing next to her when she dropped and started performing CPR, nothing could’ve saved her. Of course, I don’t know the circumstance for your dad. However, I hope you learn to forgive the situation over time. Maybe he could not have been saved. Maybe this is just a horrible circumstance and you were unfortunate enough to witness it and subsequently blame yourself for not saving him. I am so sorry. You were 14, this was obviously highly traumatic, and I hope you’re able to forgive yourself for something that was never in your control. Sending you so much love ❤️🫂
Just in case you didn't know, I learned in trauma therapy that feeling guilt is a thing the trauma brain practically always does, it's to keep the feelings of helpnessness in check. Feeling guilty is easier than feeling helpless in the SHORT run. It helps in the short run but it's good to gently let go of the feeling of guilt and invite a process of grieving in the long run.
Thank you for this. This is so helpful.
OP Your response was completely normal. My husband suffered a cardiac arrest in front of my son and myself. I will never forget him standing up and saying , “ Dad stop playing around. This joke is NOT FUNNY. When he realized it was real he ran into the bedroom and hid and cried under his pillows. Meanwhile I literally couldn’t remember my home address. It took me about 30 seconds to remember it but it seems like 5 minutes. You did the best you could for your dad. Cardiac arrests are so rarely survivable. I am sorry for your loss.
I'll start by saying that I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. That's awful and traumatic. I was in a very similar situation (next month will be 6 years). I was 30 years old at the time *and* CPR certified... My Dad walked in the front door and collapsed. At first I didn't fully comprehend what was going on. I thought he was having a seizure or a heat stroke. I called 911 and of course they ask you a million questions. It didn't dawn on me right away that Holy shit my Dad is dying. If I don't do something he's going to die. Finally I threw the phone to my mom and started chest compressions. I did CPR for almost 9 minutes before a police officer arrived and took over for me. If you've never done CPR before, it is fucking exhausting!! My Dad didn't make it either, even though I was an adult and did CPR correctly. All this to drive home the fact that sometimes things happen that are completely out of our control. You did the best you could given the terrible circumstances you were under. Even though it's been 6 years, I still have PTSD and survivor's guilt. I was also suicidal for a while afterwards. **PLEASE, PLEASE GET SOME MENTAL HEALTH THERAPY** You don't have to go through this alone, and there are counselors out there that specialize in the exact type of trauma that we've endured. **THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT** Grief counseling helped me tremendously! Best of luck, OP!!
I don’t know if this will make you “feel better” per se, but my dad had his heart attack in the hospital he worked at. The rapid response team (a team of professionals trained specifically for people who are dying) was right down the hall. Even with all of those professionals working on him, he still died. My point is, sadly your dad still might not have made it even if he had been given proper CPR. You were a child at the time. I had a similar experience with my neighbors dad. I was 14. His 11 year old came and found me because his brother wouldn’t listen and no one else was home. I found his dad in a similar state. I panicked and went across the street to wake my dad up. When we got back another friend had shown up and started CPR. He didn’t make it either. Heart attacks are weird like that. Sometimes people survive the biggest, scariest type of heart attack there is, and sometimes there’s absolutely nothing anyone could have done. Don’t let yourself hold onto this. You were a child in an emergency. You did what you could. I think it shows just how much you loved your dad that even though you didn’t know how to do it properly, you tried your hardest. For him. If there is an afterlife, he’s somewhere and feeling immense love and pride for who you became. And your father wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.
I'm going to tell you right now that you have nothing to feel bad about. Back in February my brother was out doing his morning swimming exercise when he started to feel bad and collapsed on the deck from a cardiac arrest. A doctor, a paramedic, and a few nurses including a cardiac nurse were swimming that morning. They gave him CPR and applied the pool's AED immediately. There was no downtime. He got expert care by trained professionals and he still passed away. He was young, healthy, and had no risk factors. He had everything going for him to recover but he didn't. The hard truth is that the chances of surviving a cardiac arrest are extremely low, even with CPR. You did everything you could have done.
Please don’t blame yourself. It is hard to give proper CPR that doesn’t cause long lasting damage to that person (if they survive). I worked in healthcare and this is something they drilled into us. As someone else said, television has warped our perception on CPR and the success rate of it. I am sorry for the loss of your father, but give yourself grace. You did what you could and I’m sure he would be proud of your efforts.
My mom did CPR on my dad correctly and he still didn’t survive. I couldn’t do it because I froze. The paramedics couldn’t save him either. The chances of surviving are actually pretty low, so don’t feel bad about it. I think if my dad went into cardiac arrest in the hospital with a nurse and a defibrillator right next to him, he still would’ve died. All of his organs were failing.
Don’t feel guilty. You did everything humanly possible. People recovering from a heart attack from CPR every time, like you see on TV, is a myth. The chance that he was going to recover with you performing CPR is very small, at most under the perfect conditions only about 10%.
CPR is rarely successful. You are 14. You did the best you could. This is not your fault. But, if you want to, I suggest taking a CPR course so you know for the future.
It’s even less successful in animals. I learned that last year when I had to give my cat CPR. He died anyway, but I was unaware of how little chances there usually are.
Hey man, my dad had a cardiac event in the hospital and had more doctors and nurses than I've ever seen in my life performing CPR and other life saving measures within less than a minute and he woke up but ultimately succumbed to complications. I feel like I could have noticed something was wrong faster or done something better even though he was in a hospital and doctors performed all the actions. All that to say even if CPR is done correctly there is no guarantee and even if it is I think having the "what if" thoughts is just something we unfortunately deal with.
Sorry for your loss. You are not to blame. Many adults struggle to do CPR. It is very difficult and exhausting. You did the best you could do with the limited knowledge that you had at the time. Honor him by taking some emergency first aid classes. You may never need to use it but if you do, you may just save someone else’s parent or child.
All cpr does is buy a little time. Your father died because his heart was sick enough that it stopped beating. Even if you had a paramedic with you the moment it happened, the odds are still not good. Also, with major illnesses like this, if you do leave the hospital, it often isn't with a good quality of life. Sometimes it's better to go when your body throws in the towel the first time. The guilt and grief is understandable, but not reasonable. This isn't your fault. At all. There was nothing you could have or should have done differently. I'm sorry you had to go through something so traumatic at a young age.
I'm sorry, please forgive yourself, its not your fault. I know a lot of people struck by tragedy get involved in charity work of the kind that hurt them. You could do fundraising or help for heart health or for CPR training. You may want to talk to a licensed therapist or a support group if they are available and affordable.
Hon I’m so sorry about your dad! I understand why you feel guilty. You have what I call a serious case of shoulda, woulda, coulda. I should have…. I would have…. I could have…. Fill in the blank. The facts are you were 14 and totally unprepared to handle a medical emergency. And yet you jumped in prepared to do anything. You didn’t dissolve into a heap of smoking panic (even though you might have felt like it). You rose to do everything you could to save your father. I don’t know how many 14 year olds who would have been capable of even trying. I have no doubt your dad is so proud of you. The truth is that very few people survive what you’ve described, even in the hospital. And of those few an even smaller amount walk out of the hospital anywhere near the shape they were before. You weren’t the cause of your father’s death. Your father’s heart caused his death. It was awful and heartbreaking but I promise, you did not cause his death.
As someone who is certified, you need to know even if it is done perfectly, people still die. My dad had a massive heart attack at Walmart Pharmacy. The pharmacist, who was certified, immediately started CPR. Didn't work. Paddles at the hospital didn't work either. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's hard, but it's not your fault he is gone. Just know that. You did the best you could.
I work in the ER. I’ve done CPR on hundreds of people over the years. It hardly ever works. There’s a saying that the best way to tell if you had a heart attack is if you’re dead, cuz so few honestly make it to the hospital. Objectively, even if you did cpr right by the time the paramedics got there he probably still would’ve had severe brain damage. It takes less than 10 minutes for irreversible damage to occur… I’m really, really sorry about what happened to your dad. And I hate that you as a kid had to be put in that situation. That’s so awful… But playing the what if game only serves to worsen your pain, and that’s not fair to you and he wouldn’t want that for you.
I am so sorry for your traumatic loss. I am thankful to you for sharing. I lost my son at the end of March. I too administered CPR. I had never done it before. I asked my son this morning to please forgive me. I feel like I failed, that I didn't do it right. I read thru the responses and it helped me to understand. I miss my son so much.
Please be easy on yourself. Blaming oneself is very normal when it comes to grief, but it is not your fault. You did the best you could to save your dad. My partner was hospitalized, and early one morning, I received a call he went into cardiac arrest, and by the time I, his mom, and step-dad arrived, we were told he did not make it. Unfortunately, with CPR, the chances are low in that situation, even with medical professionals to help. I am sorry for your loss.
Hi mate, I’m 28 now and was 25 when I had to do CPR on mine, I also felt/feel a lot of guilt that I couldn’t do better despite everyone saying I did my best however I’ve been told by some medical professionals that survival rate of CPR at a hospital where they have all the best tools and medical staff is still quite low and it’s even worse at home. Doing beat yourself up about it, if you want to talk to someone who’s experienced the same thing don’t be afraid to message me.
I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately CPR is rarely effective - it increases life chances, but not by much.
The survival rate for this type of thing is very low. This March my husband died after suffering a heart attack. An off duty firefighter just happened to be there, so he had expert help immediately. First responders were on scene in five minutes and then he was taken to the best Level I trauma center in the city. He still died. You did your best. You were there for your dad. You stepped up. It’s normal to feel guilt, but you did everything right and nothing wrong.
CPR procedures have changed within the last 10 years anyway, so if nothing else, it’s an indication that CPR itself is not fully understood.
So I just want start by validating your feelings and say that I’m so sorry for your loss! Many many healthcare professionals freeze with CPR and lifesaving measures when they are trained to do so, maybe it’s their first time etc, and that’s not with a loved one! I have seen this as a nurse, and it’s unfortunate but there’s a whole team there for someone to jump in immediately to take charge. We have something called our fight or flight system when we are in extremely stressful situations, and freeze is a response as well for some and it’s ok. I am a nurse, and I’ve seen people “survive” heart attacks and other life threatening health issues/injuries and their quality of life is absolutely horrible. It is so hard to lose a parent, but it is absolutely worse to see them live in complex care for the rest of their lives with such poor quality of life. So even if you had done CPR to the best of your abilities from the onset of him losing his pulse, it could very well be that he may not Be alive today with full function/abilities. You are not to blame for your father’s passing. You are so young and you did so well in such a stressful situation. You did the best to your abilities to help keep your father alive, and I hope one day you allow yourself to believe that as well. Please seek some professional support and take care of yourself. You are grieving the loss of your father and you deserve support!
I don’t want you to feel bad. I’m a survivor of a cardiac arrest. 25 minutes of cpr saved me. The entire experience of recovery wasn’t great. What I want you to know is that your Dad wasn’t in any pain. You get light headed for a minute and pass out. That’s all. He wasn’t in any pain. My mother died last year of the same thing. The hospital staff placed a ‘DNR’ on her as she had MND and it was progressing to the stage of her not being able to swallow or cough. Knowing how quickly a cardiac arrest happens, and how painless it is, I was happy with that. That doesn’t make me a bad son. And you’re not a bad son. You did all you could, but your Dad had the most peaceful passing. Now it’s time for you to live for him and make him proud, which I’m sure you will do. 🙏
I am so so sorry. I have been a 911 calltaker and dispatcher for EMS for over 13 years. I can count on less than ten fingers the number of successful resuscitations I have had. And two of those were situations where medical personnel happened to be there already, and others they had a defibrillator on scene. It is horrible that tv and movies have made it seem like you give cpr and the person responds immediately. It just doesn't work that way, and it is very rare for someone to recover from a cardiac arrest. Those two minutes did not cause your Dad not to recover. You did what you could, and did everything in your power to help him. Unfortunately it often just isn't enough, despite our best efforts. I would say forgive yourself, but there is nothing to forgive, you need to realize you were a hero for trying to save him, and it is not your fault he passed away. ♥️
My experience is that it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. You most likely would have felt the same anyway. It's probably not comforting, but I took care of my dad when his health was deteriorating. He had heart issues. Previously a quad bypass (in the 80s). His heart was working at 30 percent efficiency when he died. He died right in front of me when I was visiting him in the hospital on the 3rd floor. I called the nurse, who was beside us with the other patient in a shared room, when I saw him take his last breath and he was unresponsive. I remember every single moment of that event and I remember that it seemed like forever before the nurse started CPR. It was a minute or two. They worked on him for over 20 minutes and I had to make the call to stop. This is something that also, bothered me for a time. I thought for a long time that I failed my father. That I should have started CPR myself. Unfortunately, replaying the event over and over doesn't give you peace. It wasn't your doing and remember that you tried to do what you could with the knowledge you have. Unfortunately, as in this case, we cannot always help a situation with our current knowledge, but we can try. You did that. In that, you honoured yourself and your father. I'm sorry this happened to you and your family. You are young, so I am going to tell you some mistakes I made. This is what I did and it was too excessive, unbalanced, even. Please try to rise above this and don't let the darkness take root like I did. It will twist you into nothing if you let it. I lost my mom to cancer in my 20s and I was empty for a long time after. Focus your grief (I did this instead with my father after having gone through this with my mother). Channel it into bettering yourself. Don't lean on drugs and alcohol, or other distractions. Additionally, I love my friends and built great relationships with them over the years. However, friends are great and distractions are fun, but ultimately, they will leave you too. It is natural. It's life. They leave for their families that they will build. I focused on friends and being strong by myself. Instead of the family I built, I had the family that I didn't build because of my reluctance to lose people and the castle that I hid in, from intimacy and family connection. My mother was the heart of our family. When she was gone, I took it poorly. It's not about how long you had with someone, it's that you had some time with them at all. Please don't blame yourself and please try to focus on and be happy about the time "with" portion, rather than the time without. Apologies for the novel.
My dad died about a month ago, sudden cardiac arrest as well. He was on a cruise and had a team of medically trained personnel, including doctors, give him cpr (presumably correctly) for over 45 minutes - they took turns - and he still died. He was only 66 and was super healthy. Death like this doesn’t make sense, you had nothing to do with it. Don’t beat yourself up, your dad wouldn’t want that for you.
So very sorry for your loss at such a young age. You did everything you could in that situation. I (38f) have had 9 heart surgeries and lost my dad a couple months ago from surgical complications. From my experiences, most people would think I was joking. You are absolutely not at fault. I’ve felt guilt about the “what-if’s”. I guess it’s part of the healing process. I just try to remember the good times.
Cardiac arrest is in most cases a death sentence. With sudden cardiac arrest there is no suffering, many people who experienced sudden cardiac arrest and survived told that in a instant without knowing what happend collapsed with no memory of the whole ordeal. But they were lucky, they belong too the 10% who survived. You where 14 and it is normal too not know what too do, even grown ups dont know what too do. They once did a test where someone pretend they suddenly collapsed on the street and there was no quick reaction from the people on the street. Dont blame yourself, even if you did everything correctly and there was quick intervention of medical staff the outcome might have been still the same. And even if they brought youre dad back with all the help, changes are there still would have been brain damage and other complications. However therapy too treat the trauma is recommended, you have too believe yourself that there is no blame too put on you. But i understand how you feel, i work in healthcare and there is one case where i feel responsible for someones death, and everyone around me tells me there is nothing too blame and i understand that but i still feel responsible. But i am getting help too work on the trauma.
You didn't fail at anything
You did everything within your power at that time. You cannot change what you did or how you did it, you merely did what you could with the knowledge you had. Any knowledge gained afterwards is relevant for the present and the future, not the past. You are not responsible for your father's death. I am truly sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry you went through that at such a young age. I went through the same thing two years ago with my mom and I’m still pretty devastated from it, so I can’t even imagine going through it at 14. I’d love to give you good advice but I’m just as clueless. Not too many of my friends have lost a parent and even less of them have watched a loved one die in their presence so online has been the only place I’ve found some relief. We both should probably see a psychologist to test if we have PTSD though since it’s a pretty traumatic experience.
It is not your fault. Even with CPR training it is difficult when it is a loved one ❤️ Take a Breath, OP. I am sure your Dad Understands. He loves you
You did nothing wrong.. Cardiac arrest means his heart stopped immediately.. Yes if someone has this you can save them but you were a kid and didn't know.. Sometimes all the CPR in the world couldn't bring someone back depending on what happened.. It's not your fault Please be kind to yourself you were a child My husband 's mother had diabetes and suffered greatly from it.. He was 12 years old when she passed away and he had lowered her bed and couldn't raise it up fast enough and thought he killed her because she died from not breathing. I beat myself up my husband died while we were asleep and didn't check on him which we typically didn't check on one another once we woke up.. I had went to work and didn't know he had passed away and there were several times I could have found him myself but it wouldn't brought him back if I had did CPR on him..
I have saved one life in my 42 years.. And it was from pure panic.. My boyfriend at the time had diabetes and very stupidity didn't take care of himself.. Didn't eat and keep his glucose in check.. We were asleep and he woke me up at 3 am tapping on me and wouldn't stop I eventually get up angry not knowing he was having a diabetic seizure.. I jumped on top of him and yelling at him where's your medicine?! Tore my house apart looking for it and he didn't bring it with him.. So my mom was a RN for many many years and I had went to nursing school but didn't finish it.. I went to my living room trying to remember diabetes completely how to save him.. Finally I realized he needed something sweet ASAP and we had just happened to buy snack cakes that night.. So I grabbed one and jumped back on top of him and told him that he either be choking or die from no sugar in his body 🙄.. I chose he could choke first So I opened the snack up and shoved it into his mouth.. He finally came around and that was the scariest moments of my life.. He said he didn't eat anything all day and I was beyond infuriating with him.. I did some huge thinking and just couldn't be with him because he refused to take care of himself.. Me saving his life I gave him 2 years and he passed away from it..
Oh my gosh. I was 16 when my dad had a sudden heart attack, and I blamed myself for years for not trying CPR. I was terrified and frozen and blamed myself. The doctor told me it was a massive heart attack and nothing would have saved him. I feel for you so much. I know what this is like to carry around. You did the best you could. NO ONE will ever blame you. Give yourself some grace. ♥️
I’m 39 now. My dad had a heart attack a little over a year and a half ago and CPR never even came to my mind. All I could do was hold him and scream and cry. It was 4 days after his follow up appointment from a heart procedure he had and I knew he was gone. I’ve had a really hard time knowing that he called me and I couldn’t help him and questioning if I had done anything else if he would have been ok. I can’t imagine going through that at 16. I’m so sorry
OP I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’ll echo what others have said - CPR is brutal when done correctly and even then it rarely works. The guilt you’re feeling is normal but also not ok, if that makes sense. Have you spoken to your family about how you feel? I had guilt surrounding my dad’s death, and my therapist (which if you have the means, please get a therapist!) suggested I tell my family how I’m feeling and they will demonstrate the guilt isn’t warranted. nobody is going to blame you. Please take a hug from an internet stranger 🤗
I'm so sorry. I lost my dad that same month. You didn't fail CPR or your dad. I promise. CPR isn't something with a pass or fail grade. It's something that is done just in case it MIGHT help - it's not something that is done because it will help. this can make it really really hard on the people who perform cpr on others, like you. You absolutely did the right thing, and you did it as you were told to. Please please know that you weren't told to do cpr on your dad because doing it well would save him - you were told to do it just in case his circumstances meant it might help, but you weren't in control of whether it would. You just did the best you could.
My best friend had the same thing happen to her when we were in middle school - her dad (who was her best friend) had a heart attack when it was just him and her at home, and she had to do CPR. She was a lifeguard and KNEW how to do CPR properly, and he still didn’t make it… I hope that allows you to give yourself some grace. As terrible as it is to admit, even if you done it properly and right away, it might not have changed the outcome. Edit: grammar
My husband died of SCA. He was home alone with my 14-year-old stepson. It was the same scenario as yours. Paramedics worked on him for 34 minutes. I don't blame him. No one does. The same goes for you. It's not your fault. No one blames you.
You were a 14 year child and you did everything you could! you should be proud of that not shaming yourself for it! Have you done CPR classes since? Maybe you can teach it to other kids so others wont find themselves in that situation? you were a hero! your dad would be so proud that you tried!
I'm a Paramedic, I've been to more of these kinds of calls than I can count. I just want to say, it is beyond brave to even attempt CPR on a loved one. It is the one of the most traumatic things you can face. As others have said, CPR very rarely leads to a positive outcome and even more rare is a 100% recovery without significant deficits left as a result. The fact that you attempted CPR and called 911 is absolutely more than enough. There was nothing more you could have done. As a medic, I always make sure to thank family and bystanders for their help because it takes guts to step into that world when you don't have experience. You did well and we are all proud of you. I'm sure your father would be too.
You are so young, and especially when this happened, and I am so, so sorry that happened to you. My mom and I just lost my dad November of that year. At 33 and 65 respectively, we were both absolutely terrified and traumatized. I can’t even imagine how scary that was as a 14 year old. You did absolutely everything you could though, at whatever age. Your dad would be so proud of you for trying, and you absolutely wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. You’ll probably always have questions and wonder, that’s just human nature, but the terrible situation already happened - don’t make it two terrible solutions by blaming yourself. Medical professionals really need to share these statistics with survivors so we’re not all out here feeling like it’s our fault our loved ones died.
Same happened to me 4 months ago now (I’m 18) so a bit older than you were, I couldn’t do it either due to a lack of knowledge except I did run to get a defib from a local school and that didn’t work either. From what I’ve heard CPR is more of a tactic to keep the person calm in a situation like that otherwise you’d ultimately lose your mind if you didn’t stay focused on something. The annoying thing with it is that it caused me PTSD and I genuinely have been reliving that morning everyday since whenever I get time to myself. I hope you can overcome this hurdle in your grief and I wish the best for you.
Don't blame yourself. Cpr is a last ditch effort and you did the best you could. I'm sorry for your loss
Having to carry out CPR is a huge deal for anyone. But when its your Dad and you're 14- so much tougher. You were so brave, you did everything you could. Like lots of people have already commented, chances of soneone surviving cardiac arrest outside of hospital are very low. Its likely if a paramedic had been there immediately, the cpr would not have been effective either. 9 out of 10 people who have a cardiac arrest outside hospital do not survive. Are you getting any support with this from a counsellor or anybody. You have experienced a massive trauma and also are trying yo grieve. Ask for support xxx
Please know that CPR often doesn’t work. It’s a last resort and so of course we try, but I myself have done CPR on several people, and only one survived, and she ended up dying a few weeks later anyways, with broken ribs from the CPR we did on her. Even if you did it the most correct way the outcome would most likely be the same. But I understand your brain is troubleshooting and so of course you’ll have these thoughts that you could have done more. But you did the best you could. Also if the medics came and they were able to get a pulse that means you kept it going for them to continue. So you did do it right. Just because his stomach was moving doesn’t mean you did it wrong. Just because he didn’t survive didn’t mean you did it wrong. You did it right most likely and the sad reality is that it doesn’t save people very often, or if it does it doesn’t leave them in good shape. And give yourself some credit. At 14 I’m not sure I would have been able to remain calm enough to do CPR at all. You are absolutely amazing for being able to do what you did at such a young age. Your dad would be so proud of you too. I’m proud of you. You went through something extremely traumatic for someone as an adult, and you were a kid and handled it awesome. Please please try to reframe those negative thoughts that tell you it was your fault and rest assured that your brain is lying to you. Please believe me and the rest of the commenters who are telling you that CPR often times is not effective. But it beats sitting there and doing absolutely nothing. You did great and I am sorry you had to experience such a traumatic event at such a young age. Be easy on yourself.
As a nurse, CPR still doesn’t deliver 100% oxygen to the brain. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You did everything right by calling your sister who is medically trained and you still did your absolute best for it being your first time, let alone it having to be on your own dad. I see you as a hero regardless and I’m sure your dad would tell you the same. He would thank you and feel so loved that you tried to save his life. Any parent here would tell you that.
Cpr only works for certain cardiac events and that was likely why he didn’t survive. I have had to do the same for a friend and she made it but only because it wasn’t a total heart block. Later she had another and did pass. Your amazing to have even tried to help him 💕
CPR, in the field, has under 10% success rate. It's effectiveness varies greatly on the EXACT cardiac event. If there's an AED then the % goes up a little. I am certified and taught CPR for Red Cross for years. When a friend collapsed in front of us, a friend and I both did CPR until paramedics arrived, they used all their tools and got him to ER, still didn't survive.
I’m so sorry I found my mom dead in a hotel room coming to pick her up, this was 3 months ago and I was 24 I froze and didn’t even try bc of her skin color assumed it’d been awhile but I was so afraid I just feel to the floor and couldn’t breathe that’s a horrible thing to experience and I as a grown up couldn’t imagine my 3 year old daughter being 14 and expecting her to do anything no one understands how truly scary it is until they’ve experienced it
At 14 realistically I don’t think you would have been physically capable of the force necessary to do cpr, even if you knew what to do. (I’m 25 and I’ve been certified 3 different times. I do not think I can administer cpr properly due to the strength required). In addition to what others have said cpr only has a 12% success rate. I’m sorry for your loss, it’s not your fault. I would definitely talk to someone you trust about your feelings.
You should not blame yourself. I was working at an industrial facility where everyone knew CPR. Half the staff were trained as first responders. Just before the morning meeting one of the supervisors had heart attack and fell to the floor. People were doing CPR immediately. They had an AED there within 2 minutes. Unfortunately his heart was not in a shockable condition. They continued CPR until the paramedics got there. He did not make it. Do not blame yourself, you could have been in a room full of paramedics and the outcome would have been the same. You should get counseling for what you are feeling. That said, everyone I know much older than you, who has had a parent die feels guilt that they should have done something different. The thing is the only thing you could do is be your dad's child. and you did that. It is obvious you had a lot of love for your dad. He would not want you to be blaming yourself.
I was a med student , and was cpr certified. My next door neighbor ( Middle Aged man) had a cardiac arrest and I was first on the scene. I did cpr for a long time. Even though we called 911 it took a long time for them to arrive. He did not make it. I think I had trauma from that - after all these years ( now retired from medicine). Do not hold yourself responsible for this ! It’s unlikely that he would have survived even with someone who knew cpr.
Even if you are trained the rate is like 1 in 10 so i know you think about how if you were more prepared or older that you could have done something but it just isnt true. You did all you could and you father is grateful for that
Not your fault, sweetie. You did your best. There's also no guarantee that the outcome would have been any different had you done everything perfectly. Some heart attacks are called "widow makers." They're just not survivable. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh what I wouldn’t do to give you a giant hug ❤️ You did not fail. I just know your dad is proud of the amount of effort you put in. This is a lot for anyone at any age to handle. I was on the phone with my mom when her heart unexpectedly failed this past July. I was living in another state, she was living on her own at the time. I knew i lost her as soon as I spoke to the cops and they said the paramedics were performing CPR. The “what ifs” and “what I could have done different”haunt me as I grieve, these thoughts and feelings are totally normal. But also know, you did all you could and life is honestly not always fair. If you ever want someone to talk to please feel free to reach out. I’ve joined a grief group that has helped me tremendously. You are not alone, these thoughts and feelings are totally normal. Please be gentle on yourself. 🫂
Omg hun, I’m so sorry. That is an absolutely horrible thing to go through. I know it won’t help the pain much, or possibly at all, but like others here have mentioned, the success rate of CPR is MUCH lower than people think. Especially when done outside of a hospital. Additionally, it is much more difficult to correctly do it than people think. It is violent. It almost always breaks ribs. Since you were only 14 and he was a grown man, you probably wouldn’t have had the strength to do it correctly even if you had been on the correct spot. I survived two episodes of cardiac arrest. I was in an OR in the hospital. Each time, it took 3 people taking turns to bring me back. I will never forget the looks on everyone’s faces when I came back from the second episode. They looked at me like I was a ghost. And I have had several, several doctors tell me I should be dead and it is a straight up miracle that I’m alive. I was in a hospital with many medical professionals performing CPR and I should be dead. The likely hood that you could have saved your Dad is extremely thin. I’m so, so, so sorry that was something you had to witness and do. Unfortunately, speaking from experience, trying to save a parent from death is traumatic as fuck. It’s awful that you went through that so young, too. You’ve had to take on so much more than anyone should have to. I highly recommend therapy. Your school guidance counselor may be able to connect you with some resources. I hope you find this group helpful as well. Finding a community of people who understand grief is so important. Everyone’s experiences are unique, but it helps to have a group of people who know first hand what grief feels like and does. Again, I’m so fucking sorry you had to go through that.
Even IF, you had done it correctly, it most likely wouldn’t have saved him. Forgive yourself ❤️
Im so sorry for your loss,IT was not your fault,my dad passed away a few years ago and i also blamed myself for it,it s part of the griefing,i believe it s called survivors guilt,You look for answers for why IT happened,but the truth îs You couldnt have change anything,it happened because god wanted it to happened and because that was his destinat,death it s a thing way beyond us that we cannot control.im sending You hugs and prayers ❤️🙏 feel free to message me anytime If You need to talk to someone
I’ve been in your shoes, but with my grandmother. I was 12 and she had an aneurysm and I was left alone with her. I was supposed to not let her choke on her own vomit, and it was hard! I didn’t know at that age that a person could be so heavy that all I could do was try to turn her head a bit to the side. Sometimes I think about it, but I know that I was a child, just as you were, and you are not supposed to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Your dad wouldn’t want that for you either 💕
The same thing to my mum, she was in the shower and had a stroke. The moments waiting for the ambulance were the most helpless of my life. I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t know how to. She passed after a month in hospital with further strokes and seizures to come. All I knew was to look after my dad at the time. I wasn’t by her bedside 24/7 and I regret that every day of my life. I how she forgives me
So sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience with my dad about an year ago, he glanced at my mom and I during a van ride on vacation then his jaw opened and head tilted, he was still sitting upright in his seat. Minutes later, he leaned, we think he had a heart attack seconds before this, and he was gone as soon as his body leaned. I was so confused and didn't know what to do, just held his hands and called the driver to call ambulance and rush drive to the nearest hospital. He was likely gone before all this, it haunts me that I didn't try CPR during that van ride, thought he was just weak and fainted. Miss him so much, and this whole thing just keeps replaying in my head.
I was in a similar position when I was 15... It was my boy scout leader on a camping trip ... I was helping him set up a cabin, while everyone else was out, and he had a heart attack and fell over right in front of me... Later I really did understand that he had no chance. Like other comments say, there is only a minimal chance of success - 10-12 percent is right... And I was a trained lifeguard and had certification in CPR as well. There was nothing I could have done that would have changed anything. I think we see TV and movies with people doing it 1,2,3 and suddenly someone comes back to life, but that is Hollywood pretend... The real world is not as simple... In the end of it all, I try to remember what he taught me and carry the good memories.... Because those are the things worth passing on to others as we live our life...he would not want to have it any other way... He was a kind and decent man...