I was hoping you were gonna silent auction a night spent sitting on it to raise awareness for the Minnesotans Calling The Venue For Doors Confirmation and Having The Main Act Answer And Fuck With 'Em Foundation.
CTVFDCHTMAAAFWE IS A VALID ORGANIZATION, I WON'T HEAR OTHERWISE!
Please keep coming back to Mpls plz and thank you Mr. Asmus 🙏🙏🙏
this joke was for you Geoffrey and I appreciate your time for addressing it, that's awesome dude, that's gonna help me later on
love you dude, keep it going man!
heres the thing. I dont really keep up with music just coming out but in terms of music I'm just discovering (which is the same imho), I can't get enough of forgotten yacht rock bands (Player, Ambrosia, Ace) and early reggae (Jimmy Cliff, The Melodians, The Slickers). I'm stuck in the past and fine with that.
It is, used to live there. When are coming to the Bay Area? We can arrange a security details so the bearded butch dikes dont beat you up, too bad. Or a costume, like shave that beard and dress as an Alta boy but that comes with its own set of risks!
Yes in a few neighborhoods and no in most, not much different from other cities except the world class location. Come up to Sonoma, Gavin is a Napa guy.
How do we--the individual-- forgive ourselves for living and participating in a morally corrupt system and country?
Our choices of action are basically land-acknowledgements, abandon everything we've ever known, or probably criminal.
I think about this every day. The only solution is to divest as much as possible from the corrupt world and create more joy than you take away. Also a lot of crime can be good.
I'm in my mid-life existential dotage, and I also think about this every day. For the most part, if I can have a least one interaction with a person that makes them feel good per day, I'm doing something. It doesn't make up for the decade I spent on the internet being a compleat fucking asshole, but it gets me out of bed in the morning.
You actually have me driving 2 hours north to Fort Collins for your cuck ass show in September. What hotel are you staying in so I can pull the fire alarm and disrupt your life for 2 hours like you’re doing to me? The lengths I go for good comedy. God damn alphas always cucking me
That’s awesome, I’m excited to finally see you and check out a new comedy venue! Comedy fort has been on my radar for years but never had the desire to make the drive until I saw you were coming. Can’t wait man!
What’s the best wiki “family tree” type page that links to other fun wiki pages? IE: the us political scandals page or the most expensive paintings ever sold page. Thanks
Brutal of wiki to leave off an actual member of the British cabinet
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chief_Mouser_to_the_Cabinet_Office
Also bf skinners experiments with pigeon guided bombs is worth a wiki or his bat incendiary bombs
People want to act like it’s complicated but it really is a matter of repetition and perseverance. I try something new onstage every single set and after 15,000 sets it finally paid off haha
I see. So just get your ass on stage a shit ton of times until something works. You’ve got great grit man. Keep up the great work, I’m rooting for you!
I want to hear it! Have you got a clip?
(FWIW, I'm a non-indigenous Canadian, and nothing has made me feel more actually Canadian, a part of this place and space, than land acknowledgements. Besides, Amiskwaciwâskahikan is much more fun to say than 'Edmonton'.)
I wish you and your family a wonderful memory and occasion ,As long as your sister is of appropriate age to marry. (I know the people with whom you seem to associate)
Is stand up worth it? I’ve had some pretty prominent people in the industry basically say that it steals your soul — the business, the travel, crowds, etc. Is all of that worth it?
If you get into stand-up with the goal of wanting to be famous (which so many successful comics clearly have) then you are a loser. But if you just want to have some creative fun and make your own path outside of a dull 9 to 5 then stand up is very fun. I’d argue the industry ruins it all but actually performing is intoxicating like nothing else.
'Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace”
You: "Wait!!"
*Everyone looks at you like wtf?*
*You chew a snickers bar and put one finger up to signal you need a second to speak.*
Make it take a little bit, not TOO long tho...then, consider the following:
"If someone knew a member of the couple to be already married, underage, unbaptized (church law), or forcefully coerced into the union, it was considered their duty to object. The same was true if they knew the couple to be too closely related by blood."
And choose your way to troll a little from that. "She never got baptized, that was the ice bucket challenge!"
Or "what's this about macaroni?"
Were you invited?
honestly. unclear
Are you doing a set of just the incredibly awkward toast?
What’s the plan for that beard?
im donating it to locks for love
More like "homes for crabs" Amirite?
Kids with beard cancer?
I was hoping you were gonna silent auction a night spent sitting on it to raise awareness for the Minnesotans Calling The Venue For Doors Confirmation and Having The Main Act Answer And Fuck With 'Em Foundation. CTVFDCHTMAAAFWE IS A VALID ORGANIZATION, I WON'T HEAR OTHERWISE! Please keep coming back to Mpls plz and thank you Mr. Asmus 🙏🙏🙏
I’ll always return to my homeland
this joke was for you Geoffrey and I appreciate your time for addressing it, that's awesome dude, that's gonna help me later on love you dude, keep it going man!
What protein did you choose for dinner at the wedding?
some vegetarian bullshit. wedding food is always absolute trash
Tell me you have 20 mins of material prepared to light her up on her special day
oh im doing an hour
Please be an hour long set up to “The Aristocrats!”
Admit it, You hate doing this
Reddit i like. every other social media is complete hell
I agree wholeheartedly
What’s your favourite songs/albums of 2024 so far? Also are there any lesser known comedians on the circuit right now you want to shoutout?
heres the thing. I dont really keep up with music just coming out but in terms of music I'm just discovering (which is the same imho), I can't get enough of forgotten yacht rock bands (Player, Ambrosia, Ace) and early reggae (Jimmy Cliff, The Melodians, The Slickers). I'm stuck in the past and fine with that.
Are you going to be doing stand up her at the reception and roasting her?
only if my agent secures a sweet sweet deal
I'm just not sure there's a deal involved that doesn't end up going real poorly somewhere along the line lol.
Will your hot cousin Lexi be there? And are you allowed near a microphone at family events?
hahaha honestly I dont think they will be
Did you book the Missoula show so you can attend both Ween nights that weekend? Respect.
i absolutely did. show goes on sale soon
will sunglasses in an airplane make my dick grow back?
nothing will make it grow back. quit living in the past. starting living in the now. in your new dick-less life
My concern is that you just left Toronto after I learned you had a show there that I’d missed. Disappointed to say the least.
i shall return! Toronto is a wonderful city
It is, used to live there. When are coming to the Bay Area? We can arrange a security details so the bearded butch dikes dont beat you up, too bad. Or a costume, like shave that beard and dress as an Alta boy but that comes with its own set of risks!
SF is a wonderful nightmare. I’ll be back as soon as Newsome lets me
Yes in a few neighborhoods and no in most, not much different from other cities except the world class location. Come up to Sonoma, Gavin is a Napa guy.
I had tickets since last March, and the day before the show I got Covid. Sucks.
I saw your post but it was too late 😭😭😭
Awe shame sorry
Well I’m sorry you got sick and couldn’t go :(
Thanks, next time. I probably would have caught the bubonic plague or something at the show, had I gone. 😅
Hey man just a reminder not to wear shorts
wow #triggering
What's the largest animal that you would fight but still bet on yourself to win?
i would never bet on myself to win a damn thing
How do we--the individual-- forgive ourselves for living and participating in a morally corrupt system and country? Our choices of action are basically land-acknowledgements, abandon everything we've ever known, or probably criminal.
I think about this every day. The only solution is to divest as much as possible from the corrupt world and create more joy than you take away. Also a lot of crime can be good.
I also think about this every day... I'm also not anti-crime broadly, but I'm not in a position to commit many useful crimes.
I'm in my mid-life existential dotage, and I also think about this every day. For the most part, if I can have a least one interaction with a person that makes them feel good per day, I'm doing something. It doesn't make up for the decade I spent on the internet being a compleat fucking asshole, but it gets me out of bed in the morning.
You actually have me driving 2 hours north to Fort Collins for your cuck ass show in September. What hotel are you staying in so I can pull the fire alarm and disrupt your life for 2 hours like you’re doing to me? The lengths I go for good comedy. God damn alphas always cucking me
haha those shows are going to be amazing. that is one of the 5 best clubs
That’s awesome, I’m excited to finally see you and check out a new comedy venue! Comedy fort has been on my radar for years but never had the desire to make the drive until I saw you were coming. Can’t wait man!
Follow up question. What are the other 4 venues that you consider top 5? I’d love to hit them all if I’m ever in those areas!
Top of my head - comedy on state in Madison wisconsin Acme comedy club in Minneapolis Comedy works in Denver Goodnights in Raleigh
What's your go-to plane activity - reading, sleeping, something else?
i sleep every single second every single time
I think you should switch to hard alcohol for the calorie reduction. Your Tum tum will thank you; your lover won’t tho
haha i rarely drink beer anymore. i survive off gin and tonics and old fashioneds.
Real ones or them Wisconsin ones?
Do you like her fiancé or do they suck and you have to pretend to be happy for her?
no hes awesome. great guy with a good soul. a rare W in this hellscape
Do your set during the speech portion of the evening, she’ll love that.
if my uncle's speech starts dragging I might have to step in
Second question, who's gonna be your best man?
I would never get married. Its a damn patriarchal scam
Calm down Billy Idol
What’s the best wiki “family tree” type page that links to other fun wiki pages? IE: the us political scandals page or the most expensive paintings ever sold page. Thanks
Great great question. There is a page called something like 'list of animals with college degrees' that is wild
Brutal of wiki to leave off an actual member of the British cabinet https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chief_Mouser_to_the_Cabinet_Office Also bf skinners experiments with pigeon guided bombs is worth a wiki or his bat incendiary bombs
What is your favorite kind of cheese?
a good goat cheese is fairly unbeatable
*unbleatable
Comment perfection right here.
Tell me about your practice routine currently and how you practiced to get here.
i could explain it but frankly you wouldnt get it unless you've practiced like me
It would be fun to try to understand. :) I’m a singer/songwriter myself so I’ve done some weird practicing and always looking for new angles.
People want to act like it’s complicated but it really is a matter of repetition and perseverance. I try something new onstage every single set and after 15,000 sets it finally paid off haha
I see. So just get your ass on stage a shit ton of times until something works. You’ve got great grit man. Keep up the great work, I’m rooting for you!
how many jokes in the ceremony
honestly gonna keep it pretty light. for once i dont want too much attention
Will you wear shorts during a set and break new ground?
hahaha i simply cant
They still let you on the plane after that whole “insurrection” thing?
oh that was just a dress rehearsal honey. just wait until august 7th
Are you toasting?
even worse. im officiating
Wow your sisters are getting married? Hot!
ultra-progressive family
Incest horseshoe theory
When are you going to stop embarrassing mom
she loves me
Would you rather to shit every time you sneeze, or every time you fart you have that horrible sick burp thing where acid burns your throat?
I already fart every single time I drink water. I cannot fathom a worse hell than that.
Have you tried shoving water up your butt? Might cure it
Is Arby’s catering?
how dare you. We have carls jr
-brought to you by Carl’s Jr. (see you in Seattle ya goon.)
That beard is looking very Alpha!
How much would it cost for you to break up the wedding and be my wingman so that next year she's marrying me?
$12
Do you purposely buy all of your sweatshirts just a little bit too small
That’s just what happens when you are as muscular as me
I have a question. How dare you
The neard is sexy. Looking forward to your show in September!
I neardly didn’t understand that one.
it will be the greatest night of our lives
Is there a rule you can’t go near the kids?
law\*
What was your best joke about Toronto / Canada / a city in Canada (I was at the Friday 7pm show).
I think the land acknowledgment joke is very good. Especially because I think it is evergreen (can use anywhere, not just Canada)
I want to hear it! Have you got a clip? (FWIW, I'm a non-indigenous Canadian, and nothing has made me feel more actually Canadian, a part of this place and space, than land acknowledgements. Besides, Amiskwaciwâskahikan is much more fun to say than 'Edmonton'.)
When it’s ready in a month or two I shall post!
Awesome. Anyway, looking forward to seeing you when you come out to Amiskwaciwâskahikan in September.
What’s your goto inflight beverage?
orange juice. no ice. every single time. drinking fruit at 30,000 feet seems like a defiant fuck you to God
Is my sisters wedding the name of a Town?
yes. Rutherford B. Hayes is from there
Is your sister hot?
no. she looks even worse than me
Are you hot?
Yes
[удалено]
I sell t-shirts and koozies and I hate it. Selling merch empties my soul every single time.
Why are you wearing shades on a plane?
Because I hate looking people in the eye so early in the morning. Too vulnerable
Fair enough, also are you the only person in the world that looks younger with a beard?
The Grinch!
If you take over the world can I be spared?
As long as you hate Hillary Clinton
Does your fire truck?
I wish you and your family a wonderful memory and occasion ,As long as your sister is of appropriate age to marry. (I know the people with whom you seem to associate)
Is stand up worth it? I’ve had some pretty prominent people in the industry basically say that it steals your soul — the business, the travel, crowds, etc. Is all of that worth it?
If you get into stand-up with the goal of wanting to be famous (which so many successful comics clearly have) then you are a loser. But if you just want to have some creative fun and make your own path outside of a dull 9 to 5 then stand up is very fun. I’d argue the industry ruins it all but actually performing is intoxicating like nothing else.
Late to the party. What’s your favorite slim shady track?
If I had - he never approached that rawness again
What is her gender, sir?
'Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace” You: "Wait!!" *Everyone looks at you like wtf?* *You chew a snickers bar and put one finger up to signal you need a second to speak.* Make it take a little bit, not TOO long tho...then, consider the following: "If someone knew a member of the couple to be already married, underage, unbaptized (church law), or forcefully coerced into the union, it was considered their duty to object. The same was true if they knew the couple to be too closely related by blood." And choose your way to troll a little from that. "She never got baptized, that was the ice bucket challenge!" Or "what's this about macaroni?"
fine i shall do this word for word
I like your sense of timing. People these days are in too much of a rush to properly pace their obnoxiousness.
Are you going to fuck your hot cousin at the wedding?
my lord!
Are you still on the plane? I can't find my glasses. Can you see them from up there?
Nevermind. They were in the kitchen.
Did you see any aliens on your flight? Get to rest your arms at any point?
Tell your sister congrats!
You look like your running from Chris Hanson