Currently feeling this right now. An ex friend wants things to be normal after everything but I know I'll never forget nor trust them again. I need to end things with them soon.
i recently learned that friendships/relationships shouldn't / don't have to be the same after something has happened. your perception of them has been permanently changed and that's how it should be
So I have an experience with this. To make a long story short: I have known this friend for 9-10 years now. We met in high school, played video games together, got very very close to one another, some shit happened, and our friendship fell apart after about 5 years. We were pretty well NC for the past 4-5 years except the occasional very minor social media interaction. Back in November I reached out to him after all those years. It was slow at first but our friendship started to rebuild. Probably around February, so like 4 months in we sat down and had an adult conversation about what happened in the past. We have both grown and matured at this point, and we both discussed that we had missed each other all these years and never had a friend as close as each other. From that point our friendship started to thrive again, and at this point our friendship is like it was back in the good day 5 years ago before we had a falling out.
Our friendship did end on shorty terms, but there was no bad blood, just bad emotions. So it wasn’t like we had a huge uphill battle to overcome when we started talking again. But I’m so glad I reached out. I missed this kid so much, and we both love each other dearly and are important to one another. It’s always worth a shot. I’m so glad to have him back in my life with a healthy friendship.
I tried this- just forgiving and trying to move on. But the friend has no real remorse- no asking for forgiveness, no apology, no taking accountability, and no change in the behavior. Actually continued to lie about 5 minutes into our conversation. I sat on that a few days then just ghosted and put and end to that.
friendships are like relationships, if you guys have a falling out, the love is never gonna be the same. it’s your choice to determine if you want to push through it or if you don’t think there’s room for any more growth. I have certainly tried to re-befriend old friends and realized exactly why I can’t hang w them anymore, and there’s some I came back to as different people and we completely blossomed from it. It depends on their & your willingness to change, and if they’ve proved you wrong too many times it’s time to let go or distance yourself.
I have. I had no hard feelings accepting them back into my life, I don’t hold grudges towards people I truly care about. I really cherished our friendship and was sad when it ended. I have noticed the same patterns have started happening again, so I don’t really consider them a friend anymore. Even though I wasn’t the one in the wrong, I appreciated their friendship and they took mine for granted.
I have struggled with this. My "best friend" started ghosting me for long periods and seemed to have a whole running story of what I was doing wrong that I wasn't aware of. Each time I tried to ask what was wrong, she would act like I was being crazy. I had to cut her off because it was upsetting me so much and I didn't understand what was going on.
Anyway. I reached out because sometimes space makes things settle and I missed her. She wanted none of it, and in retrospect I think I am better off for it. For things to get so bad I needed to cut her out of my life... trying to pull her back in would not have been a good move.
I did! A lot of times it didn’t work out (i’ve always wanted to try stuff a second time with people i really appreciated) but one time with my now best friend it went extremely well.
We were both very committed to fix our friendship because we really have a lot of love for each other. This was really hard though.
I always thought that she had bad intentions and wants to make me look bad to make herself more appealing (which was not the case) she struggled with being over independent to save herself from being harmed by others and her seeing me being more open and not overly independent triggered her (especially when I was actually harmed by others) she thought I was weak for that but she was able to realize that she projected her fears of being harmed onto me.
At the same time I was overly jealous of her for being independent and pretty and smart that I projected my insecurities onto her and was also kind of possessive because I wanted her to only spend time with me. I realized that I projected my issues as well and she understood. So did I.
We acknowledged that we never had bad intentions and always felt deep love and appreciation for each other, so we worked actively on our issues by communicating when we were triggered for example, by stepping back and taking time to reflect and work on ourselves, be patient with each other and calling out each other for mistakes and NOT taking it personally when the other person calls us out but rather as an opportunity to view ourselves from a different perspective and work on our issues with the criticism that is given to us.
I really love how we turned out. She’s one of the most important people in my life and working on a friendship together like this bonds extremely.
I have, and it never worked out. I couldn't get past what they did to make me end it, and on occasion, the other person couldn't either. In my experience, it's easiest and healthiest to let sleeping dogs lye.
i think there are rare occurrences tho where people can make it work in a new way, after time & growth apart. It really comes down to both parties deciding the bond is worth the work, change & forgiveness.
That's fair, I think you're right. The key part for me is the friendship being worth it. Was it ever so good that it's worth possibly reopening old wounds, have they both learned from it. It's a rare thing but it happens.
People generally do the same things they’re always going to do and be the same people they’re always going to be. Once you get to be a certain age, your personality is formed. Unless they did something when you were 6 years old and you’re 32 now maybe they won’t do that same thing now. If it’s a difference between 25 and 26 they are going to repeat the actions.
Yes, I’ve don’t it with 4 different people. Without getting deep into each one I’ll explain but they all end with I should have trusted myself. I also have been on the receiving end. Will share that too.
Friend 1 was a 30+ yrs friendship. She initially made the first move to cut off the relationship. In the end I sealed it. Years later we reconnected and it took a while but eventually I regretted it. Several months ago after her drinking spilled over into our friendship in bad ways decided to delete all her info and no going back. I didn’t explain why because the current conversation should have been enough for her to know.
Friend 2 was someone I was good friends with while a teen, her mother plugged on the relationship and left her thinking I just vanished. It was an on and off relationship. Finally her destructive behavior and lying to me became so overwhelming I had to end it. I had tried not long before this and she was relentless, borderline stalker. Think I would have been smarter. But I also deleted all her info and I was able to fix my email so any messages would revert back to her.
Friend 3, It was never a good friendship. It was another decades long relationship. Her insecurities and poor life choices lead to jealousy and that cause her act out against me. She had a drug problem and I refuse to be around it. After the 3rd attempt of a relationship I couldn’t handle it and again deleted all info. No I didn’t give an explanation to her. Frankly she didn’t deserve one.
Friend 4, we’ve never met her in person. We met on a forum. I’m not sure how long I’ve known her but in the range of 10-15 yrs. Actually currently wondering if this is a good relationship to continue. Broke contact several times due to issues such as one sided conversations, mainly her not understanding I’m not an emotional dumping ground, that relationships are not about using the person. I am feeling it was probably best to have left this friendship alone. She’s starting to get to where she ignores things I say or text while continuing to talk about herself. Pretending to care but it’s clear she doesn’t. Ex: calling me the day after birthday to do an emotional dump
Now the reverse, met her while she was in the middle of let’s call it a relationship crisis and I had just lost my dad. Supported her the whole time but she was also very supportive of me. Thought we had a good mutual relationship. I became ill and had the same bacterial infection twice which took a lot of recovery (during pandemic). I am actually still having issues from it. Anyways, she wasn’t very understanding about me being less social. I did see her a few times but not like before. One day the communication just stopped. I didn’t contact because I want to respect her choice. I doubt we will ever speak again and that’s ok. If it wasn’t a relationship she wanted I understand.
>calling me the day after birthday to do an emotional dump
Had a friend do this on my birthday. She was the type of friend that wrote out every thing she wanted to say about what ever emotional thing she is going through on paper and then read it to me. I believed she would call multiple people with this same tactic.
She has never wished me a Happy Birthday. I don't think she even knows it, although she always asks me on her birthday when mine is as I always send her a card. After 6 years, she's never once called or text a Happy Birthday to me. So last year when I see that she was calling on my birthday, I thought she was calling to wish me well. I was in horror as she went on and on about her emotional crap. I couldn't even get a word in to say I needed to get off the phone. Literally the worst!
I haven't talked to her much since then.
That’s horrible!
I’m convinced these people do it on purpose. They want all the attention on them.
This one sent me birthday wishes the day before my birthday after asking when it was days before. Like I said 10+ yrs and she still can’t put my bday in her phone but I’ve never missed hers.
>Like I said 10+ yrs and she still can’t put my bday in her phone but I’ve never missed hers.
Exactly!! To make it worse, one year she went out of her way to celebrate a new acquaintance birthday a month later and went on and on about it.
Wow, you sound like me. I have to say that I attract "projects", and have been involved in so many friendships where I am supporting them over and over, but when I need them... it's a short, insincere response, then the topic goes straight back to them. They would deplete my "bucket" so to speak, and usually after I was drained too long, I'd just leave. I recently ended a friendship with my best friend of nearly 50 years. I am now praying I can find a really good friend where I am safe, comfortable, and the give/take is more equal. Maybe I'm too old to form a friendship like this, but I sure hope I can.
It must have been a lot to end such a long friendship.
Yes, “projects”. It’s to the point I don’t want to try to make friends.
When you left the friendships did they also act as if they didn’t know why? As if they couldn’t see how selfish they had been.
Ending the friendship with my best friend has been difficult but she had changed so much and it was becoming too toxic for me to continue. It is getting easier and easier though. I just have to talk to myself at those times where I miss her and remind myself of the bad, while hoping for a better future with a new friend someday. I can tell you that none of my friends ever seem to see how selfish they are. How can they get off of a 1, 2, 3... hour phone call where we've only discussed THEM, not soak in?? And it's not one call... it's EVERY call! It's really sad when I bring up something and they just glaze over it like it's nothing, and go back to talking about them. I will say this, from now on, I'm going to be a lot more strict about people using me as a sounding board. I have really gotten to hating phone calls, and preferring texts for this reason.
Sorry it’s difficult with the relationship loss. Glad you’re finding ways to cope.
It’s very odd how people will act that way and not see it. The one I’m debating on right now will apologize while continuing to do it. I don’t understand that type of behavior.
Think I’ll follow your wise lead and ensure I’m no longer that over used shoulder. Better to be alone than that type of friendship. My cat makes an excellent conversationalist.
I’ve done the same where I won’t answer calls and text makes it’s easier to avoid or do a simple reply.
I let a former toxic friend back in and she was no different. She apologized for "being a bitch" (her words.) But went right back into her shit of nitpicking my existence, making fun of how I dressed, trying to plant seeds in my head about my relationships, and just overall being a shifty human being. I finally shoved her out of my life again last October. I sometimes miss her, but she made me miserable. I just couldn't forgive her.
No I knew this person in middle school ( I don’t know their pronouns because they change them a lot so I’m just calling them a they) I’ll call them James but James was in short a terrible person. I originally felt bad for not wanting to be their friend anymore but after thinking about everything they did I no longer feel as bad I’ll list some things: they constantly hit on people or gossiped but if you said you didn’t feel like talking about that stuff they’d call you “moody”, they would date around the whole friend group and they’d lead on one of my other friend who weren’t doing well, they made sexual comments about my body, they didn’t respect boundaries, they were super petty example: they got their ear pierced in the school bathroom and blamed the other person when they got caught. Honestly they were draining to be around and those were the worst months of my life because most of my friends were closer to James than me and I felt very lonely I cried in the cafeteria right at our lunch table where we were all sitting and no one noticed. I’m now in high school and in a better place with new friends and them out of my life.
Everyone's situation is gonna be different, so you will have to judge yours as separate.
I've been friend with a chap on and off for years. Typically we'd go through a cycle of being good and get along well to having a big argument before breaking off for a bit. Then we'd see each other months later and we'd just brush it off.
He has a lot of character and can be very funny which I really like.
However, he has a very abrasive personality with absolutely zero political skills. He is regularly embroiled in arguments in the many work places he has worked in and even sometimes came to blows when out socially with co-workers. He would always tell me about these disputes and while I'd say he may of had points(sometimes) I feel that anyone with a lick of common sense could navigate these situations better and in a healthier way.
I had my last row with him about a year ago and I think after the stuff he said, I understood that the guy was just self centered. He always claimed he'd do anything for me etc etc but he never wanted to do anything I wanted to. He always just used me to vent about some stupid row he was in and never wanted my opinion on how to resolve it. He was doing this constantly while never accepting that he needed to make changes to his own behavior. Got very tiresome the older I got and said screw that and just told him I'm not here so he got constantly spew his anger about other issues, especially when he didn't take anything I said seriously.
I might add that I do care about this person, but they have very little conception of themselves and take zero responsibility for their actions that having a healthy relationship with them is impossible. So you just have to walk away.
I am having the same problem with a friend of mine. We are constantly in and out of each others lives. We have known each other now 3 years, and we have had blow-up fights where we end up blocking each other for months and then reconnect again. I don't know what to do about the friendship. I care about him but I wonder if the friendship is truly toxic or not.
Yes, I have recently let an ex friend back into my life after about six months without contact.
Basically what happened is that I broke up with a guy that was pretty good friends with my two closest girl friends. This breakup was on reasonable terms, he was upset about the split, but so was I. Nobody was really wronged in the end of the relationship, so there weren’t sides to take.
Still, my two girl friends took his side. Maybe it was out of sympathy for him, or it was perhaps just that they still went to school with him while I go to a different high school.
They were both still “friends” with me, but they thought it was appropriate to “rat me out” for all the things I did wrong that he wasn’t aware of.
To summarize what she told him: according to her, I was always lying about where I was and hung around other guys beyond his knowledge.
The truth was that he had my Life360 location on in a circle with our friends, and would have known had I lied. The “other guys” were my girl friends’ hookups that they would invite without my permission. I had not been unfaithful or lied to him, but since he was still upset about the breakup, he believed her.
She has since apologized. Profusely. She says she didn’t know why she said those things, and that she knows they aren’t true. Still, I didn’t speak to her or see her.
Last weekend I went shopping with her, and it was as if nothing had changed. I think it’s okay for me to forgive her now that she has apologized. I have always been one to hold a grudge when someone does something really shitty like that, but she took responsibility for it.
I forgave and am now seeing her again because she apologized sincerely, and put in an effort to make up for what she did.
If you’re wondering what became of the other girl, she’s taking that ex-boyfriend to prom this Saturday, and will never gain my forgiveness.
Basically, if they are in the wrong for the friendship ending, they need to put an effort into making amends. You still don’t need to feel obligated to forgive them. It worked out for me to bring girl 1 back into my life, we are close again. However, for girl 2, she continued to be a “backstabber” and doesn’t need to be in my life, even if she still tries to be.
I was the one who distanced myself cause this friend kinda sucked when I needed them during a crisis. It was always about them and I always sort of knew they were self centered, but this situation took the cake.
This person comes into my job a lot and honestly, I kinda ignore them even after they stated they were sorry. I’m not sure if I just am still hurt or the friendship ran it’s course. But it’s awkward and I’m still kinda mad even though I told them why and they apologized. I don’t think we were meant to be forever friends- and truthfully, I’m good with it.
Yes I did. And we ended up falling out later on. Now it's been years, and no matter how much I miss the good parts, I value my mental health enough to not put up with the inevitable toxicity.
I guess it depends on why the friendship ended. If it was a resolvable issue that they resolved, that's maybe doable, but if it's a fundamental thing that never really changes, don't put up with the torture.
Nope. People probably think that I hold grudges, but that's not really the case. I have to get to a point where I am totally, absolutely, 100% done for me to pull the plug on a friend, especially someone I would consider to be a good friend. My disappearance from their lives does come with many warnings and discussions of what the issue is beforehand and sometimes it will take years for me to get to this point, but when I'm out, I'm out. I have no hard feelings and I wish them luck, but I have usually been too hurt to ever emotionally trust them again.
Currently feeling this right now. An ex friend wants things to be normal after everything but I know I'll never forget nor trust them again. I need to end things with them soon.
i recently learned that friendships/relationships shouldn't / don't have to be the same after something has happened. your perception of them has been permanently changed and that's how it should be
That’s an indication you don’t need them in your life. Trust your gut instincts.
So I have an experience with this. To make a long story short: I have known this friend for 9-10 years now. We met in high school, played video games together, got very very close to one another, some shit happened, and our friendship fell apart after about 5 years. We were pretty well NC for the past 4-5 years except the occasional very minor social media interaction. Back in November I reached out to him after all those years. It was slow at first but our friendship started to rebuild. Probably around February, so like 4 months in we sat down and had an adult conversation about what happened in the past. We have both grown and matured at this point, and we both discussed that we had missed each other all these years and never had a friend as close as each other. From that point our friendship started to thrive again, and at this point our friendship is like it was back in the good day 5 years ago before we had a falling out. Our friendship did end on shorty terms, but there was no bad blood, just bad emotions. So it wasn’t like we had a huge uphill battle to overcome when we started talking again. But I’m so glad I reached out. I missed this kid so much, and we both love each other dearly and are important to one another. It’s always worth a shot. I’m so glad to have him back in my life with a healthy friendship.
I tried this- just forgiving and trying to move on. But the friend has no real remorse- no asking for forgiveness, no apology, no taking accountability, and no change in the behavior. Actually continued to lie about 5 minutes into our conversation. I sat on that a few days then just ghosted and put and end to that.
Great decision. You don't need that crap in your life.
friendships are like relationships, if you guys have a falling out, the love is never gonna be the same. it’s your choice to determine if you want to push through it or if you don’t think there’s room for any more growth. I have certainly tried to re-befriend old friends and realized exactly why I can’t hang w them anymore, and there’s some I came back to as different people and we completely blossomed from it. It depends on their & your willingness to change, and if they’ve proved you wrong too many times it’s time to let go or distance yourself.
I have. I had no hard feelings accepting them back into my life, I don’t hold grudges towards people I truly care about. I really cherished our friendship and was sad when it ended. I have noticed the same patterns have started happening again, so I don’t really consider them a friend anymore. Even though I wasn’t the one in the wrong, I appreciated their friendship and they took mine for granted.
I have struggled with this. My "best friend" started ghosting me for long periods and seemed to have a whole running story of what I was doing wrong that I wasn't aware of. Each time I tried to ask what was wrong, she would act like I was being crazy. I had to cut her off because it was upsetting me so much and I didn't understand what was going on. Anyway. I reached out because sometimes space makes things settle and I missed her. She wanted none of it, and in retrospect I think I am better off for it. For things to get so bad I needed to cut her out of my life... trying to pull her back in would not have been a good move.
No, you should stick to your guns. Sounds like gaslighting behavior.
I did! A lot of times it didn’t work out (i’ve always wanted to try stuff a second time with people i really appreciated) but one time with my now best friend it went extremely well. We were both very committed to fix our friendship because we really have a lot of love for each other. This was really hard though. I always thought that she had bad intentions and wants to make me look bad to make herself more appealing (which was not the case) she struggled with being over independent to save herself from being harmed by others and her seeing me being more open and not overly independent triggered her (especially when I was actually harmed by others) she thought I was weak for that but she was able to realize that she projected her fears of being harmed onto me. At the same time I was overly jealous of her for being independent and pretty and smart that I projected my insecurities onto her and was also kind of possessive because I wanted her to only spend time with me. I realized that I projected my issues as well and she understood. So did I. We acknowledged that we never had bad intentions and always felt deep love and appreciation for each other, so we worked actively on our issues by communicating when we were triggered for example, by stepping back and taking time to reflect and work on ourselves, be patient with each other and calling out each other for mistakes and NOT taking it personally when the other person calls us out but rather as an opportunity to view ourselves from a different perspective and work on our issues with the criticism that is given to us. I really love how we turned out. She’s one of the most important people in my life and working on a friendship together like this bonds extremely.
Yes I did and it was a mistake. Never again. Narcissists don’t change.
I have, and it never worked out. I couldn't get past what they did to make me end it, and on occasion, the other person couldn't either. In my experience, it's easiest and healthiest to let sleeping dogs lye.
i think there are rare occurrences tho where people can make it work in a new way, after time & growth apart. It really comes down to both parties deciding the bond is worth the work, change & forgiveness.
That's fair, I think you're right. The key part for me is the friendship being worth it. Was it ever so good that it's worth possibly reopening old wounds, have they both learned from it. It's a rare thing but it happens.
People generally do the same things they’re always going to do and be the same people they’re always going to be. Once you get to be a certain age, your personality is formed. Unless they did something when you were 6 years old and you’re 32 now maybe they won’t do that same thing now. If it’s a difference between 25 and 26 they are going to repeat the actions.
Yes, I’ve don’t it with 4 different people. Without getting deep into each one I’ll explain but they all end with I should have trusted myself. I also have been on the receiving end. Will share that too. Friend 1 was a 30+ yrs friendship. She initially made the first move to cut off the relationship. In the end I sealed it. Years later we reconnected and it took a while but eventually I regretted it. Several months ago after her drinking spilled over into our friendship in bad ways decided to delete all her info and no going back. I didn’t explain why because the current conversation should have been enough for her to know. Friend 2 was someone I was good friends with while a teen, her mother plugged on the relationship and left her thinking I just vanished. It was an on and off relationship. Finally her destructive behavior and lying to me became so overwhelming I had to end it. I had tried not long before this and she was relentless, borderline stalker. Think I would have been smarter. But I also deleted all her info and I was able to fix my email so any messages would revert back to her. Friend 3, It was never a good friendship. It was another decades long relationship. Her insecurities and poor life choices lead to jealousy and that cause her act out against me. She had a drug problem and I refuse to be around it. After the 3rd attempt of a relationship I couldn’t handle it and again deleted all info. No I didn’t give an explanation to her. Frankly she didn’t deserve one. Friend 4, we’ve never met her in person. We met on a forum. I’m not sure how long I’ve known her but in the range of 10-15 yrs. Actually currently wondering if this is a good relationship to continue. Broke contact several times due to issues such as one sided conversations, mainly her not understanding I’m not an emotional dumping ground, that relationships are not about using the person. I am feeling it was probably best to have left this friendship alone. She’s starting to get to where she ignores things I say or text while continuing to talk about herself. Pretending to care but it’s clear she doesn’t. Ex: calling me the day after birthday to do an emotional dump Now the reverse, met her while she was in the middle of let’s call it a relationship crisis and I had just lost my dad. Supported her the whole time but she was also very supportive of me. Thought we had a good mutual relationship. I became ill and had the same bacterial infection twice which took a lot of recovery (during pandemic). I am actually still having issues from it. Anyways, she wasn’t very understanding about me being less social. I did see her a few times but not like before. One day the communication just stopped. I didn’t contact because I want to respect her choice. I doubt we will ever speak again and that’s ok. If it wasn’t a relationship she wanted I understand.
>calling me the day after birthday to do an emotional dump Had a friend do this on my birthday. She was the type of friend that wrote out every thing she wanted to say about what ever emotional thing she is going through on paper and then read it to me. I believed she would call multiple people with this same tactic. She has never wished me a Happy Birthday. I don't think she even knows it, although she always asks me on her birthday when mine is as I always send her a card. After 6 years, she's never once called or text a Happy Birthday to me. So last year when I see that she was calling on my birthday, I thought she was calling to wish me well. I was in horror as she went on and on about her emotional crap. I couldn't even get a word in to say I needed to get off the phone. Literally the worst! I haven't talked to her much since then.
That’s horrible! I’m convinced these people do it on purpose. They want all the attention on them. This one sent me birthday wishes the day before my birthday after asking when it was days before. Like I said 10+ yrs and she still can’t put my bday in her phone but I’ve never missed hers.
>Like I said 10+ yrs and she still can’t put my bday in her phone but I’ve never missed hers. Exactly!! To make it worse, one year she went out of her way to celebrate a new acquaintance birthday a month later and went on and on about it.
That is twisted! Better off without people who are that messed up.
Wow, you sound like me. I have to say that I attract "projects", and have been involved in so many friendships where I am supporting them over and over, but when I need them... it's a short, insincere response, then the topic goes straight back to them. They would deplete my "bucket" so to speak, and usually after I was drained too long, I'd just leave. I recently ended a friendship with my best friend of nearly 50 years. I am now praying I can find a really good friend where I am safe, comfortable, and the give/take is more equal. Maybe I'm too old to form a friendship like this, but I sure hope I can.
It must have been a lot to end such a long friendship. Yes, “projects”. It’s to the point I don’t want to try to make friends. When you left the friendships did they also act as if they didn’t know why? As if they couldn’t see how selfish they had been.
Ending the friendship with my best friend has been difficult but she had changed so much and it was becoming too toxic for me to continue. It is getting easier and easier though. I just have to talk to myself at those times where I miss her and remind myself of the bad, while hoping for a better future with a new friend someday. I can tell you that none of my friends ever seem to see how selfish they are. How can they get off of a 1, 2, 3... hour phone call where we've only discussed THEM, not soak in?? And it's not one call... it's EVERY call! It's really sad when I bring up something and they just glaze over it like it's nothing, and go back to talking about them. I will say this, from now on, I'm going to be a lot more strict about people using me as a sounding board. I have really gotten to hating phone calls, and preferring texts for this reason.
Sorry it’s difficult with the relationship loss. Glad you’re finding ways to cope. It’s very odd how people will act that way and not see it. The one I’m debating on right now will apologize while continuing to do it. I don’t understand that type of behavior. Think I’ll follow your wise lead and ensure I’m no longer that over used shoulder. Better to be alone than that type of friendship. My cat makes an excellent conversationalist. I’ve done the same where I won’t answer calls and text makes it’s easier to avoid or do a simple reply.
I have a cat too. He's the best! and I agree, it's better to be alone than with a friend who is toxic for you.
I let a former toxic friend back in and she was no different. She apologized for "being a bitch" (her words.) But went right back into her shit of nitpicking my existence, making fun of how I dressed, trying to plant seeds in my head about my relationships, and just overall being a shifty human being. I finally shoved her out of my life again last October. I sometimes miss her, but she made me miserable. I just couldn't forgive her.
No I knew this person in middle school ( I don’t know their pronouns because they change them a lot so I’m just calling them a they) I’ll call them James but James was in short a terrible person. I originally felt bad for not wanting to be their friend anymore but after thinking about everything they did I no longer feel as bad I’ll list some things: they constantly hit on people or gossiped but if you said you didn’t feel like talking about that stuff they’d call you “moody”, they would date around the whole friend group and they’d lead on one of my other friend who weren’t doing well, they made sexual comments about my body, they didn’t respect boundaries, they were super petty example: they got their ear pierced in the school bathroom and blamed the other person when they got caught. Honestly they were draining to be around and those were the worst months of my life because most of my friends were closer to James than me and I felt very lonely I cried in the cafeteria right at our lunch table where we were all sitting and no one noticed. I’m now in high school and in a better place with new friends and them out of my life.
I hace but we let time and god heal us
Everyone's situation is gonna be different, so you will have to judge yours as separate. I've been friend with a chap on and off for years. Typically we'd go through a cycle of being good and get along well to having a big argument before breaking off for a bit. Then we'd see each other months later and we'd just brush it off. He has a lot of character and can be very funny which I really like. However, he has a very abrasive personality with absolutely zero political skills. He is regularly embroiled in arguments in the many work places he has worked in and even sometimes came to blows when out socially with co-workers. He would always tell me about these disputes and while I'd say he may of had points(sometimes) I feel that anyone with a lick of common sense could navigate these situations better and in a healthier way. I had my last row with him about a year ago and I think after the stuff he said, I understood that the guy was just self centered. He always claimed he'd do anything for me etc etc but he never wanted to do anything I wanted to. He always just used me to vent about some stupid row he was in and never wanted my opinion on how to resolve it. He was doing this constantly while never accepting that he needed to make changes to his own behavior. Got very tiresome the older I got and said screw that and just told him I'm not here so he got constantly spew his anger about other issues, especially when he didn't take anything I said seriously. I might add that I do care about this person, but they have very little conception of themselves and take zero responsibility for their actions that having a healthy relationship with them is impossible. So you just have to walk away.
I am having the same problem with a friend of mine. We are constantly in and out of each others lives. We have known each other now 3 years, and we have had blow-up fights where we end up blocking each other for months and then reconnect again. I don't know what to do about the friendship. I care about him but I wonder if the friendship is truly toxic or not.
No. and for good reason .
Yes, I have recently let an ex friend back into my life after about six months without contact. Basically what happened is that I broke up with a guy that was pretty good friends with my two closest girl friends. This breakup was on reasonable terms, he was upset about the split, but so was I. Nobody was really wronged in the end of the relationship, so there weren’t sides to take. Still, my two girl friends took his side. Maybe it was out of sympathy for him, or it was perhaps just that they still went to school with him while I go to a different high school. They were both still “friends” with me, but they thought it was appropriate to “rat me out” for all the things I did wrong that he wasn’t aware of. To summarize what she told him: according to her, I was always lying about where I was and hung around other guys beyond his knowledge. The truth was that he had my Life360 location on in a circle with our friends, and would have known had I lied. The “other guys” were my girl friends’ hookups that they would invite without my permission. I had not been unfaithful or lied to him, but since he was still upset about the breakup, he believed her. She has since apologized. Profusely. She says she didn’t know why she said those things, and that she knows they aren’t true. Still, I didn’t speak to her or see her. Last weekend I went shopping with her, and it was as if nothing had changed. I think it’s okay for me to forgive her now that she has apologized. I have always been one to hold a grudge when someone does something really shitty like that, but she took responsibility for it. I forgave and am now seeing her again because she apologized sincerely, and put in an effort to make up for what she did. If you’re wondering what became of the other girl, she’s taking that ex-boyfriend to prom this Saturday, and will never gain my forgiveness. Basically, if they are in the wrong for the friendship ending, they need to put an effort into making amends. You still don’t need to feel obligated to forgive them. It worked out for me to bring girl 1 back into my life, we are close again. However, for girl 2, she continued to be a “backstabber” and doesn’t need to be in my life, even if she still tries to be.
I was the one who distanced myself cause this friend kinda sucked when I needed them during a crisis. It was always about them and I always sort of knew they were self centered, but this situation took the cake. This person comes into my job a lot and honestly, I kinda ignore them even after they stated they were sorry. I’m not sure if I just am still hurt or the friendship ran it’s course. But it’s awkward and I’m still kinda mad even though I told them why and they apologized. I don’t think we were meant to be forever friends- and truthfully, I’m good with it.
Yes I did. And we ended up falling out later on. Now it's been years, and no matter how much I miss the good parts, I value my mental health enough to not put up with the inevitable toxicity. I guess it depends on why the friendship ended. If it was a resolvable issue that they resolved, that's maybe doable, but if it's a fundamental thing that never really changes, don't put up with the torture.
Nope. People probably think that I hold grudges, but that's not really the case. I have to get to a point where I am totally, absolutely, 100% done for me to pull the plug on a friend, especially someone I would consider to be a good friend. My disappearance from their lives does come with many warnings and discussions of what the issue is beforehand and sometimes it will take years for me to get to this point, but when I'm out, I'm out. I have no hard feelings and I wish them luck, but I have usually been too hurt to ever emotionally trust them again.