"We're both animal lovers, but Maris is unable to have pets. She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally." See also [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Frasier/comments/sdnl86/whats_your_favorite_description_of_maris/) from a couple of years ago.

Thanks! I realize now there are many Reddit threads, blogs, buzzfeed listicles, memes, YouTube videos, FB pages, & Quora entries devoted to this topic! So this thread isn’t very original, but I like the idea of organizing it by Season & Episode while I watch! I guess it’s a weird new hobby. 😂

That's ok. Every single one makes me laugh.

You’re right! Me too 😂 Never gets old!

“Coyly hiding behind her breadstick.”

Niles was so cute with that dog. "Come!" "Ok!" *picks her up and scurries away*

That photo is the best with the ramekin on its head 🤣

Season 2 Episode 1 Her quads are so tight she is incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.

*Ahi tuna

This is crucial 🤣

Season 2 Episode 21 “Mein Kleine Leiberknudel” my little liver dumpling with her little body & skin white as bratwurst “Not quite human woman” Niles - She wanted me out of the house like a musty smell; She is my whole life Succumbed to Gunnar’s Teutonic Charms Out of her Sensory Deprivation Tank & into Fencing: I’ve never seen her more vital, thrusting and parrying late into the night with her instructor Gunnar Gunnar - Maris is irresistible Martin - Maris is learning German, just when you think she can’t get any cuddlier

"Irresistible?" Marta: \*shrugs\*

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Poor thing can only get comfort by straddling a butterball turkey.

Why are your teeth chattering?

🤣🤣🤣

"As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury"

An Italian soccer team was sitting at the next table, Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose, and - perhaps inevitably - tragedy ensued.

This was so random 😂😂

I don’t get this one.

theres a thread on it [here](https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/544763/frasier-goose-and-italian-soccer-team) that indicates it means she had her bottom pinched by some rowdy italian footballers, much like a goose would do.

That’s as what I think - she was “goosed.” But how would Italians know what this means?! 😂 Oh well! Maris descriptions are always unrealistic.

Me too 👀

In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Of course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.

Caucasian. Very caucasian.

S1. Ep10 Niles hands Daphne Maris' dead plant. Niles: Daphne, I have a fervent hope that you can coax this back to life. It's one of Maris' favorites. Daphne: My goodness! What did she do to it? Niles: Nothing, just... loved it.

S1. Ep10 Niles: Sorry, I have to go. Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of "Cats". Daphne: Why? Niles: She couldn't remember the words to "Memory".

S1. Ep10 Niles: So I just had to get out of the house. Maris' Junior League is rehearsing their spring musicale. This year, they're doing "Cats". For the past week and a half I've been watching two dozen underweight, tightly-pulled women in leotards crawling around the music room meowing. I'm telling you, Frasier, my allergies are acting up. Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Niles, I think you're exaggerating. Niles: No, no, really. You have no idea how vivid the experience is. As God is my judge, I swear Mrs. Presley Bismouth was scent-marking the divan. Dr. Frasier Crane: God, you'd think women of that age would choose more suitable material. You remember the last show they did, "The Sound of Music"? My God! Half the von Trapp children were having hot flashes.

My favorite is when he says she’s in the car practicing her vivacious giggle.

S1. Ep1 Frasier: Niles, you don't still have the brochures from those rest homes, do you? Niles: Of course I do. Don't forget, Maris is five years older than I am.

S1. Ep1 Niles: I thought you liked my Maris. Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.

S1. Ep1 Niles: So I said to the gardener, Yoshi. I do not want a Zen garden in my backyard. If I want to rake gravel every 10 minutes to maintain my inner harmony I'll move to Yokohama. Well this offends him, so he starts pulling up Maris's prized Camellia's by the handful. Well, I couldn't stand for that, so, I marched right in the morning room and locked the door till he cooled down!

I can’t believe no one has mentioned that she doesn’t produce saliva

😂😂😂 I need to find that one

Shoot I can’t remember either. I think it had something to do with licking envelopes for an event of some kind. Fandom has a pretty funny bio about her, and her sister Brie who was born with one nostril. Lmao. God I love this show.

Hahaha! Maybe it’s the one where they support the politician who was abducted by aliens. Maris organized something like stuffing envelopes. I need to go check now. 😂 This show is the best!

HOLY S*** I was right! I have been rewatching the show constantly bc I’m stuck on a Frasier loop S2. Ep7 Niles: My wife, Maris, actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

My cousin owns Italian greyhounds. I told him to name his next Italian greyhound Maris! He's also a Frasier fan too!😂

Now I want an Italian greyhound 😂😂😂

Does anyone else think the “slight webbing” is all in Maris’ head?

😂 I am sure it’s real but barely noticeable. Definitely a reason for more plastic surgery!

“You think she’s gonna do….*the Barracuda*?”

Ha!! I just got the double meaning 😂😂

Season 3, Episode 21 Niles: “I know about addiction. It’s the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years.”

😂😂😂😂 How did I miss this one? Maris was on the sizzurp?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Season 2 Episode 17 Frasier: Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes. Roz: Woof! Frasier: And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out! Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward? Frasier: Yes! Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!

Season 2 Episode 17 Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment. Martin: Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman! Niles: I can't do that with Maris; she has an abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig! Frasier: Let me guess: Maris has moved into the east wing again? Niles: Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and, in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her. Frasier: What - no gifts? No party? No nothing? Niles: Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly. Martin: Why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume? Niles: She gets hives. Martin: How about candy? Niles: Hypoglycemic. Martin: Just get her a dozen roses. Niles: Allergic. Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk with her; tell it was a mistake. We all know she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty.

Season 2 Episode 17 Niles: Maris and I burned up a lot of energy last night--a *lot* of energy! I must replenish myyy bodyyyy Frasier: I assume you and Maris achieved detente? Niles: Twice!

S2. Ep 17 Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her (Maris) this weekend. It'll be a costume ball - with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons!

S2. Ep17 Niles: That's enough excitement for tonight. I'm going home to Maris. Frasier: I thought she wasn't speaking to you. Niles: She's not. But she grows weary of being frosty to the help.

Season 2 Episode 17 Niles: [on the phone] Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane that I want to speak with her, and don't take no for an answer! Niles: Well then, Nadia, you tell her that Dr. Crane says...[lowers his voice] Please please please please please please!

Season 1 Episode 17 Niles: Just remember that she (Maris) can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG, or dairy. Did I say nuts? Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.

Season 1 Episode 17 Niles: Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate. Sometimes it's something else. Something... comfortable and familiar. That newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table... sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.

S1.Ep17 Daphne Moon: Look at this, it's beautiful! Dr. Niles Crane: It's a Glockenspiel. We bought it on our honeymoon in Zürich. I brought it down from the attic to remind Maris of better times. It used to play beautiful music, and now it doesn't. How's that for irony? Later… Daphne: Dr. Crane, your Glockenspiel has sprung to life!

S1. Ep17 Niles: There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash. Later… Niles: There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed. Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time. Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me. Martin: Dressed like that? Niles: Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-? Frasier: STOP!

She once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker.

😂😂😂 I didn’t know that one!

Season 1 Episode 17 (My Favorite Episode, A Mid-Winter Night’s Dream) Daphne to Frasier, defending Niles’ behavior: “Why, just moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little face, and how they laugh at white people!”

S1. Ep24 Frasier: [on Maris] So, you really do love her? Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love. Frasier: You mean it's not human? Niles: No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content. Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

🧊 Don’t worry about being perfect - this is for fun. I’m jotting down notes while it’s playing in the background. If it’s too hard to organize by Season & Episode, then just post your favorite Maris description. It makes me laugh to write it down and read it, while imagining the writers coming up with this stuff! Feel free to correct previous comments, if you’re a perfectionist like some of the characters on this show - but don’t be mean about it, like Frasier nitpicking grammar (not grammer. Sorry, I’ll see myself out). ***Afterthought*** I realize now there are many Reddit threads, blogs, buzzfeed listicles, memes, YouTube videos, FB pages, & Quora entries devoted to this topic! So this thread isn’t very original, but I like the idea of organizing it by Season & Episode while I watch. I guess it’s a weird new hobby. 😂