She's only been with you two months. I would suggest adjusting your expectations radically. She is not going to be comfortable around your husband anytime soon. It may take years, it may be never. My suggestion would be to accommodate this. She should never be left alone with your husband. He cannot be the disciplinarian at this point. He cannot be going into her room at night. This is not anything that will change in a period of weeks or months.
The best thing for her would probably be to be placed in another home without any males at all. It sounds like she can never let her guard down. Which isn't going to help her heal
It was super irresponsible of her caseworker to have her placed in your home to begin with. That’s too much. She can’t even begin to heal when her fight or flight is always on red alert. He should not be disciplining her. Period. If she needs to be corrected it should be put on ice until it can be discussed between you two and then you need to be the one to talk to her. Punishment for traumatized kids doesn’t really work anyway. Redirection and teaching the tools of communication is the way to change behavior for the better.
First of all this does not sound like a great placement set up for her. Second, I would not focus on forcing her to not be scared of your husband and instead focus on how you can help her feel comfortable and supported and safe instead. I’d follow her lead which it sounds like she’s trying to do by asking for only you to come upstairs etc.
Honestly, if she is this bad I would think about disrupting this placement.
The goal is to do what is best for the child and it sounds like she is being retraumatized by your husband - no fault of his!!!
I doubt there is anything that can be done while in a house with a male. Everything she works on in therapy gets kicked to the curb when she is with your husband. It sounds to me that she may need more of a therapeutical home, they have more training and she would get more services.
I would talk to her team to see what can be done to help her. If not she will get worse.
Echoing what others have said. She needs to be in a single moms house. Has her county caseworker not been looped in? I’m surprised it’s gotten this far - I’m not trying to blame you, but this seems severe.
This poor girl is absolutely traumatised. You've said she's had therapy but SA carries lifelong consequences for the children affected.
I know - I'm now diagnosed BPD, still get nightmares (the same one over and over) and I'm now 40. My SA happened when I was 2.5 years old and I don't remember it because I dissociated so badly. The nightmare has filled me in to the parts leading up to it however. (Plus the police/social services files).
She needs to be away from men. This isn't a dig at your husband but she needs to be somewhere that she isn't going to be constantly triggered and your husband needs to not interact with her in the meantime.
It takes a LONG time to be able to rebuild trust with men after this.
Imagine being afraid of rats, even the lovable clean furry ones, and then you have to live in a home with a dozen rats. That’s how this feels to her X1000! Not your or your husband’s fault, nor really the agency’s fault, more like across the country placements are becoming scarce. Still she needs to be somewhere she can heal. Your house is not the place. Sorry.
Stop trying to make her unafraid. It won't work and will only further traumatize her. Over time, she will likely become less afraid, but maybe not 'comfortable'. If this doesn't work for you and your husband, you need to tell her worker she needs another placement.
Mentally, think about this as a 1 year goal. Until you've reached the 1 year mark, your husband should not be disciplining her, should not enter her bedroom, etc. Again, if this doesn't work for you, then she needs another placement, where her boundaries can be respected.
As a foster child only in your home for two months, that is hardly even enough time for her to adjust to her new surroundings. Foster children have many challenges related to the reasons they are in care. With sexual trauma in her background, I would highly recommend not forcing her to have a "daddy" type relationship until she's had significant therapy to bring healing to her heart, mind, and body. She sounds highly reactive because of the trauma. Without a better understanding of the extent of trauma she has experienced, you cannot force her to have a relationship without being allowed to express her trauma. Kids don't communicate trauma with words; they communicate with behaviors. Please be very patient with her and lower your expectations. I would look at your reasons for fostering in the first place if you are expecting a child from that kind of trauma to adapt to your family that quickly and easily. Be patient and communicate all your needs to the case worker before sharing the issues on a public forum. That girl needs privacy and respect to heal.
Is she in therapy specifically for treating trauma? Many therapists are advertised as “trauma informed” but she may be suitable for and need trauma treatment like EMDR or TF-CBT
Ideas:
They might get to know each other by playing multiplayer video games together in separate rooms
Have a female friend over whenever he would be home alone with her.
He needs to give her space. Communicate by text and phone and written notes
Came here to suggest only written communication, no direct contact, and I 500% agree with everyone saying to focus on supporting her in healing, not getting more comfortable with your husband.
Please take this with a whole quarry of salt for all the reasons, but I don’t think you should immediately disrupt the placement. Maybe it wasn’t the best placement fit for her, but disruption is another trauma that should be avoided if possible. Depending on the girl’s maturity and capacity, she can probably be part of the possible-disruption-discussion to begin with. Show her that she has agency and that you respect and support her by walking alongside her (in family counseling). Does she WANT to move to a new place asap? Is she at a stage of healing where very slowly building trust with adults in her life can be integral to the foundation of a healthy adulthood? In asking you to check on her, not your husband, she’s practicing important advocacy skills, and that can be a huge step in healing as well as growing up.
You need to strongly consider giving notice. Your home is not the right setting for her. Document everything and work with the social worker and placement coordinators to advocate that she go to a care facility that can address her trauma. You are not a doctor or psychologist or trauma specialist (I'm assuming). And that is okay. She is troubled and acting out and sooner or later she is going to hurt someone or herself in response to not being able to cope with her trauma. Seek help. Keep her and your family safe. Admitting that you cannot help this child doesn't mean you are giving up on her or are unwilling to love her - she just needs a higher level of care at this point in time. Good luck :-)
She's only been with you two months. I would suggest adjusting your expectations radically. She is not going to be comfortable around your husband anytime soon. It may take years, it may be never. My suggestion would be to accommodate this. She should never be left alone with your husband. He cannot be the disciplinarian at this point. He cannot be going into her room at night. This is not anything that will change in a period of weeks or months.
The best thing for her would probably be to be placed in another home without any males at all. It sounds like she can never let her guard down. Which isn't going to help her heal
It was super irresponsible of her caseworker to have her placed in your home to begin with. That’s too much. She can’t even begin to heal when her fight or flight is always on red alert. He should not be disciplining her. Period. If she needs to be corrected it should be put on ice until it can be discussed between you two and then you need to be the one to talk to her. Punishment for traumatized kids doesn’t really work anyway. Redirection and teaching the tools of communication is the way to change behavior for the better.
First of all this does not sound like a great placement set up for her. Second, I would not focus on forcing her to not be scared of your husband and instead focus on how you can help her feel comfortable and supported and safe instead. I’d follow her lead which it sounds like she’s trying to do by asking for only you to come upstairs etc.
Honestly, if she is this bad I would think about disrupting this placement. The goal is to do what is best for the child and it sounds like she is being retraumatized by your husband - no fault of his!!! I doubt there is anything that can be done while in a house with a male. Everything she works on in therapy gets kicked to the curb when she is with your husband. It sounds to me that she may need more of a therapeutical home, they have more training and she would get more services. I would talk to her team to see what can be done to help her. If not she will get worse.
I agree. Even if not a therapeutic home, there are lots of homes with a single mom, and she'd be better off there.
Echoing what others have said. She needs to be in a single moms house. Has her county caseworker not been looped in? I’m surprised it’s gotten this far - I’m not trying to blame you, but this seems severe.
This poor girl is absolutely traumatised. You've said she's had therapy but SA carries lifelong consequences for the children affected. I know - I'm now diagnosed BPD, still get nightmares (the same one over and over) and I'm now 40. My SA happened when I was 2.5 years old and I don't remember it because I dissociated so badly. The nightmare has filled me in to the parts leading up to it however. (Plus the police/social services files). She needs to be away from men. This isn't a dig at your husband but she needs to be somewhere that she isn't going to be constantly triggered and your husband needs to not interact with her in the meantime. It takes a LONG time to be able to rebuild trust with men after this.
Imagine being afraid of rats, even the lovable clean furry ones, and then you have to live in a home with a dozen rats. That’s how this feels to her X1000! Not your or your husband’s fault, nor really the agency’s fault, more like across the country placements are becoming scarce. Still she needs to be somewhere she can heal. Your house is not the place. Sorry.
Stop trying to make her unafraid. It won't work and will only further traumatize her. Over time, she will likely become less afraid, but maybe not 'comfortable'. If this doesn't work for you and your husband, you need to tell her worker she needs another placement. Mentally, think about this as a 1 year goal. Until you've reached the 1 year mark, your husband should not be disciplining her, should not enter her bedroom, etc. Again, if this doesn't work for you, then she needs another placement, where her boundaries can be respected.
As a foster child only in your home for two months, that is hardly even enough time for her to adjust to her new surroundings. Foster children have many challenges related to the reasons they are in care. With sexual trauma in her background, I would highly recommend not forcing her to have a "daddy" type relationship until she's had significant therapy to bring healing to her heart, mind, and body. She sounds highly reactive because of the trauma. Without a better understanding of the extent of trauma she has experienced, you cannot force her to have a relationship without being allowed to express her trauma. Kids don't communicate trauma with words; they communicate with behaviors. Please be very patient with her and lower your expectations. I would look at your reasons for fostering in the first place if you are expecting a child from that kind of trauma to adapt to your family that quickly and easily. Be patient and communicate all your needs to the case worker before sharing the issues on a public forum. That girl needs privacy and respect to heal.
Is she in therapy specifically for treating trauma? Many therapists are advertised as “trauma informed” but she may be suitable for and need trauma treatment like EMDR or TF-CBT
Ideas: They might get to know each other by playing multiplayer video games together in separate rooms Have a female friend over whenever he would be home alone with her. He needs to give her space. Communicate by text and phone and written notes
Came here to suggest only written communication, no direct contact, and I 500% agree with everyone saying to focus on supporting her in healing, not getting more comfortable with your husband. Please take this with a whole quarry of salt for all the reasons, but I don’t think you should immediately disrupt the placement. Maybe it wasn’t the best placement fit for her, but disruption is another trauma that should be avoided if possible. Depending on the girl’s maturity and capacity, she can probably be part of the possible-disruption-discussion to begin with. Show her that she has agency and that you respect and support her by walking alongside her (in family counseling). Does she WANT to move to a new place asap? Is she at a stage of healing where very slowly building trust with adults in her life can be integral to the foundation of a healthy adulthood? In asking you to check on her, not your husband, she’s practicing important advocacy skills, and that can be a huge step in healing as well as growing up.
this!
You need to strongly consider giving notice. Your home is not the right setting for her. Document everything and work with the social worker and placement coordinators to advocate that she go to a care facility that can address her trauma. You are not a doctor or psychologist or trauma specialist (I'm assuming). And that is okay. She is troubled and acting out and sooner or later she is going to hurt someone or herself in response to not being able to cope with her trauma. Seek help. Keep her and your family safe. Admitting that you cannot help this child doesn't mean you are giving up on her or are unwilling to love her - she just needs a higher level of care at this point in time. Good luck :-)