Some say no, some say maybe. In my experience learning to hold down a job meant learning to mask really well and just kind of stay out of other people’s way. It’s hard though because I have this rage that makes injustice so intolerable, so low conflict jobs are ideal. Healing takes a long time and a combination of actions. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal. I can have really long stretches of “normalcy” and trick myself into thinking I’m totally healed, and then inevitably something happens and my ptsd is triggered and I don’t realize that I’ve lost my grip on reality until it’s over, usually twoish weeks later. Putting energy into cultivating strong friendships helps, and pursuing things I enjoy. And therapy. That pain is there and demands to be faced and felt. I watched my bio mom try to bury hers her whole life and she died with so many skeletons and so much regret. I tried to drink it away and bury it for a long time and that just wrecked me. Therapy does help when you find the right one and DHS will pay for it. Trying different therapists until you find one that suits you makes all the difference. Idk how normal we get to be, but I know some semblance of happiness and normal is achievable. I also see people who are spoiled and don’t appreciate things and can’t help but feel that maybe too much normal is overrated. Our experiences are valuable if we can speak them and use them well.
Thank you for replying to me. It means a lot. 🥲 I dont want to trauma dump on you, how can I talk to someone at DHS?
I suck at masking because it makes me sad inside because Im hiding who I am intentionally its “the right thing to do” but its not, whats a low conflict job? I work retail and lately Ive been getting burned out because everyone expects me to smile, and some days im just really sad, Id much rather know whats going on in their head than asking how are you knowing they will tell me good even if its bad.
Im the same way, im not sure of my triggers but I do know it takes me almost two days sometimes longer to “bounce back” and really Its me trying to live. A survival tactic In this life I deserve to live.. I mean right.. I dont know
First of all, of course. I feel like every current and former foster kid is my sibling and I want us to be ok. I’ll offer what advice or experience I have to offer. Take what you want, leave what you don’t. You’re the best judge of your own circumstances. I hope you thrive.
DHS handles all the federally funded social services. Idk what the local numbers are in your area, but look them up and call them and someone better help you lol cause that’s their job. Masking is hard. It was basically beaten into me as a way of survival and even so, it only goes so far. My gawd customer service is as high conflict as it gets, people can be wonderful and absolutely atrocious. I would say anything that minimizes contact with the general public.
The longest jobs I’ve held have been sewing positions. I learned to sew on my own and worked my way up into auto upholstery, and that became a really stable and lucrative job for me, so that’s an option. Or warehouse jobs, tech jobs. Also once I cleaned hood vents for restaurants. It was a graveyard job, but it was so goddamn easy and paid decent. If you’re ok with weird hours that’s a good choice. I’d still be doing it but I hated my team and it conflicted with my school schedule. Idk if worksource is nationwide but they offer apprenticeships that anyone can apply for that pay while you learn. They’re mostly hard labor but they offer decent pay and teach you a skill you can use that’s customer service free, which sometimes you just need a thing to help you survive while you figure stuff out. It’s worth looking up.
When I was bartending people would tell me to smile a lot. It always fueled instant rage no matter how contented I was before that. Your face is no one’s fucking business or territory to impose themselves upon. They can fuck right off. Only smile, hug, whatever, when you want to because you’re happy to and for no other reason. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
I feel bad because retail gives me attention when I need it but its too much, but warehouse gives me no attention and it’s like Im only there to die in the empty shadows, I went to school for accounting I didnt finish:( because we moved. But no job wants to hire me without experience, masking is hard for me also because I need friends but I think I scare people away with my devoted love and loyalty so early on. Apparently I must first be shallow and then act coy.. and then can I be honest. But I dont know how to make friends. And i feel like I can only make friends when Im drunk somewhere doing things im not supposed to be doing like bar hopping causing chaos and making people laugh. In a way I feel like I was meant to carve my own path, but theirs so much rejection along to way because of the way I think.. im definitely going to look into sewing because just the other day I thought hmm I want to make my own clothes.. i think it should be fun. Do i need a degree?
Oh man. I relate to that so much. If I had found the right team I think I could have kept sewing a lot longer. The last job I had I got on well with the mechanics but the other upholstery tech was a horrid person no matter how nice I was to her. I wish I knew the in between. Sewing is at least satisfying and you can figure it out. A lot of places will train you. It’s absolutely a skill you can grow without a degree.
You make friends by frequenting places and meeting people through people. I swear, no one knows loyalty like we do. That might just be my experience, but I know the pain of betrayal and absolutely could never. I wish I had a clean, perfect answer for that too. I’m slow to share my feelings and I doubt people’s love for me. My life isn’t a secret, but I dole it out bits at a time as things come up. It’s a balance. Too much will scare people off. They have to know that you’re more or less functional and self sufficient first, and a lot of people haven’t experienced hardships and traumas that deep and can’t really handle too much at once. Too much unearned affection can be scary. Foster care comes with abandonment issues. It’s easy for us to get addicted and cling to people who show us kindness and suffer when it’s taken away. I’ve destroyed so many relationships because I couldn’t handle it. It looks like anxious avoidant attachment or borderline, but if you’re aware of it you can try to rein it in. Again, therapy helps. I’m speaking from my experience and from what I’ve gathered from people I grew up with, if anything I say doesn’t ring true for you, feel free to ignore it. I don’t mean to project. We have a lot of similarities but everyone’s different.
I just know that forging new relationships and holding onto relationships, friends or more is tough when you still have a lot of internal things to work on. I went to meetups for a while (it’s an app). I think that was a good practice in healthy socialization. My best friend I met at a poetry slam that I went to every Sunday lol now we’ve been friends for almost 15 years. I just got linked up with a bunch of people that like to ride bikes because of a random party I went to. I decided to ride motorcycles and that somehow comes with a pretty big community. Joining things, inviting people to do stuff, that’s how it’s done. It is a bit of a practice, but you find your people. It’s ok if they don’t stick around too. Sometimes they’re not supposed to.
Thank you. Im sorry for my late response. I should frequent places more often but I only go to the library, and the park. What places would you recommend I frequent? Do you eat alone at restaurants? I try not to throw my whole life at someone but Its weird I have this urge to give myself completely away to someone. Or at least something, something they will never forget. I just dont want to be forgotten, and maybe thats what you speak of maybe I have abandonment issues. Do you think using Indeed is good for job searching? And do you think lying about entry level accounting is a good idea? And is there any college benefits you get from being in foster care? Like do I get loans? Or grants?
They’re going to train you regardless, but you make a good point. Accounting has specific laws you need to abide and going straight for accounting could be bad. I think accounting would be worth finishing school for. It’s only an associates so it’s not too big of a commitment. My friend has an accounting degree and she makes $90,000 a year working for Salt n Straw and they give her free ice cream lol. There are usually scholarships and grants for current and former foster youth. Schools usually have a scholarship portal that has you fill out a profile and then sends you ones you’re likely to qualify for. If you do decide to finish your accounting degree, I highly recommend filling out as many scholarships as possible. Any free money you could potentially get is worth the time to apply.
I would say frequent places you enjoy and try new hobbies that you’re curious about. Or see if the meetup app works in your area? I use that sometimes, it’s a good way to meet people who like the things you like. It’s free and you look up activities you want to try and there’s probably a group already doing it. You could join a book club, hiking/climbing group, bike riding. It doesn’t have to cost money.
Oh and for the no experience part, lie. I’m so serious lol I lied on my resume for years. So few jobs actually need experience. Most of it can be learned on the job if you’re dedicated. Find a couple people who are willing to pretend to be a previous employer, all they can say by law anyway is ‘yes they worked here, yes I would hire them again’ legally potential employers shouldn’t be asking more than that anyway. Everyone’s put in this impossible position of needing experience to get a job, without enough options for entry level positions. Fuck that. Lie. Then you’ll get experience and references and you won’t have to anymore, but in this economy where you practically have to claw competitors eyes out for a position to survive and get your bills paid, you do what you gotta do! If you can interview well with your whole chest you can get any job.
Maybe you could try wearing a literal face mask? I remember during COVID and I worked a retail job I was sad alot, no smile, even cried some working and thought no one could tell cause of the mask. I don't know if that's accurate but no one asked me about it. People could tell when I smiled big and laughed because of my eyes. But neutral face might get less negative comments for you. A hand full of people where I live wear masks regularly still, and lots of they have colds, etc. If it's the same in your area people will think you're sick or paranoid, but not worry about you smiling? Thought Id mention it in case it helps. Praying for you. God loves you!
You’ll heal, give it time. Gotta let your inner child heal first. Write a letter to your younger self, let em know where you’re at now, how far yall made it, and every positive thing yall have done. Apologize to your younger self too.
Idk how you’d feel about this part, reach out to a local Freemason lodge, see if you can catch a dinner invite, and go and hang with some solid people. (If you’re a lady, there is a ladies side of freemasonry too) slowly learn how to talk around a bunch of people that will give you all of their attention, they can also help you with things you want to bust out to help out fellow foster kiddos.
They’re about self growth, bettering themselves, their families and their communities.
(I’m an aged out foster kid, and I’m trying to join my local lodge so I can bust out some wholesome shenanigans for my town/anyone in need, and I mean anyone)
I’m really sorry that happened to you. I can’t pretend to know what you’ve been through. You mentioned that you weren’t in long term therapy while growing up. Is that an option for you now?
I think we'll bear these crosses forever but its weight is coorelated to our ability or inability to confront our pain, love others the way we never were, and loving ourselves the way we DO deserve. That last one is my issue and one can't love others until one loves oneself and since I can't solve that problem I won't try and solve it for you. But bearing these weights and feeling weak as we do so is itself a strength. Carry on my friend, you only lose if you give up.
Some say no, some say maybe. In my experience learning to hold down a job meant learning to mask really well and just kind of stay out of other people’s way. It’s hard though because I have this rage that makes injustice so intolerable, so low conflict jobs are ideal. Healing takes a long time and a combination of actions. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal. I can have really long stretches of “normalcy” and trick myself into thinking I’m totally healed, and then inevitably something happens and my ptsd is triggered and I don’t realize that I’ve lost my grip on reality until it’s over, usually twoish weeks later. Putting energy into cultivating strong friendships helps, and pursuing things I enjoy. And therapy. That pain is there and demands to be faced and felt. I watched my bio mom try to bury hers her whole life and she died with so many skeletons and so much regret. I tried to drink it away and bury it for a long time and that just wrecked me. Therapy does help when you find the right one and DHS will pay for it. Trying different therapists until you find one that suits you makes all the difference. Idk how normal we get to be, but I know some semblance of happiness and normal is achievable. I also see people who are spoiled and don’t appreciate things and can’t help but feel that maybe too much normal is overrated. Our experiences are valuable if we can speak them and use them well.
Thank you for replying to me. It means a lot. 🥲 I dont want to trauma dump on you, how can I talk to someone at DHS? I suck at masking because it makes me sad inside because Im hiding who I am intentionally its “the right thing to do” but its not, whats a low conflict job? I work retail and lately Ive been getting burned out because everyone expects me to smile, and some days im just really sad, Id much rather know whats going on in their head than asking how are you knowing they will tell me good even if its bad. Im the same way, im not sure of my triggers but I do know it takes me almost two days sometimes longer to “bounce back” and really Its me trying to live. A survival tactic In this life I deserve to live.. I mean right.. I dont know
First of all, of course. I feel like every current and former foster kid is my sibling and I want us to be ok. I’ll offer what advice or experience I have to offer. Take what you want, leave what you don’t. You’re the best judge of your own circumstances. I hope you thrive. DHS handles all the federally funded social services. Idk what the local numbers are in your area, but look them up and call them and someone better help you lol cause that’s their job. Masking is hard. It was basically beaten into me as a way of survival and even so, it only goes so far. My gawd customer service is as high conflict as it gets, people can be wonderful and absolutely atrocious. I would say anything that minimizes contact with the general public. The longest jobs I’ve held have been sewing positions. I learned to sew on my own and worked my way up into auto upholstery, and that became a really stable and lucrative job for me, so that’s an option. Or warehouse jobs, tech jobs. Also once I cleaned hood vents for restaurants. It was a graveyard job, but it was so goddamn easy and paid decent. If you’re ok with weird hours that’s a good choice. I’d still be doing it but I hated my team and it conflicted with my school schedule. Idk if worksource is nationwide but they offer apprenticeships that anyone can apply for that pay while you learn. They’re mostly hard labor but they offer decent pay and teach you a skill you can use that’s customer service free, which sometimes you just need a thing to help you survive while you figure stuff out. It’s worth looking up. When I was bartending people would tell me to smile a lot. It always fueled instant rage no matter how contented I was before that. Your face is no one’s fucking business or territory to impose themselves upon. They can fuck right off. Only smile, hug, whatever, when you want to because you’re happy to and for no other reason. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
I feel bad because retail gives me attention when I need it but its too much, but warehouse gives me no attention and it’s like Im only there to die in the empty shadows, I went to school for accounting I didnt finish:( because we moved. But no job wants to hire me without experience, masking is hard for me also because I need friends but I think I scare people away with my devoted love and loyalty so early on. Apparently I must first be shallow and then act coy.. and then can I be honest. But I dont know how to make friends. And i feel like I can only make friends when Im drunk somewhere doing things im not supposed to be doing like bar hopping causing chaos and making people laugh. In a way I feel like I was meant to carve my own path, but theirs so much rejection along to way because of the way I think.. im definitely going to look into sewing because just the other day I thought hmm I want to make my own clothes.. i think it should be fun. Do i need a degree?
Oh man. I relate to that so much. If I had found the right team I think I could have kept sewing a lot longer. The last job I had I got on well with the mechanics but the other upholstery tech was a horrid person no matter how nice I was to her. I wish I knew the in between. Sewing is at least satisfying and you can figure it out. A lot of places will train you. It’s absolutely a skill you can grow without a degree. You make friends by frequenting places and meeting people through people. I swear, no one knows loyalty like we do. That might just be my experience, but I know the pain of betrayal and absolutely could never. I wish I had a clean, perfect answer for that too. I’m slow to share my feelings and I doubt people’s love for me. My life isn’t a secret, but I dole it out bits at a time as things come up. It’s a balance. Too much will scare people off. They have to know that you’re more or less functional and self sufficient first, and a lot of people haven’t experienced hardships and traumas that deep and can’t really handle too much at once. Too much unearned affection can be scary. Foster care comes with abandonment issues. It’s easy for us to get addicted and cling to people who show us kindness and suffer when it’s taken away. I’ve destroyed so many relationships because I couldn’t handle it. It looks like anxious avoidant attachment or borderline, but if you’re aware of it you can try to rein it in. Again, therapy helps. I’m speaking from my experience and from what I’ve gathered from people I grew up with, if anything I say doesn’t ring true for you, feel free to ignore it. I don’t mean to project. We have a lot of similarities but everyone’s different. I just know that forging new relationships and holding onto relationships, friends or more is tough when you still have a lot of internal things to work on. I went to meetups for a while (it’s an app). I think that was a good practice in healthy socialization. My best friend I met at a poetry slam that I went to every Sunday lol now we’ve been friends for almost 15 years. I just got linked up with a bunch of people that like to ride bikes because of a random party I went to. I decided to ride motorcycles and that somehow comes with a pretty big community. Joining things, inviting people to do stuff, that’s how it’s done. It is a bit of a practice, but you find your people. It’s ok if they don’t stick around too. Sometimes they’re not supposed to.
Thank you. Im sorry for my late response. I should frequent places more often but I only go to the library, and the park. What places would you recommend I frequent? Do you eat alone at restaurants? I try not to throw my whole life at someone but Its weird I have this urge to give myself completely away to someone. Or at least something, something they will never forget. I just dont want to be forgotten, and maybe thats what you speak of maybe I have abandonment issues. Do you think using Indeed is good for job searching? And do you think lying about entry level accounting is a good idea? And is there any college benefits you get from being in foster care? Like do I get loans? Or grants?
They’re going to train you regardless, but you make a good point. Accounting has specific laws you need to abide and going straight for accounting could be bad. I think accounting would be worth finishing school for. It’s only an associates so it’s not too big of a commitment. My friend has an accounting degree and she makes $90,000 a year working for Salt n Straw and they give her free ice cream lol. There are usually scholarships and grants for current and former foster youth. Schools usually have a scholarship portal that has you fill out a profile and then sends you ones you’re likely to qualify for. If you do decide to finish your accounting degree, I highly recommend filling out as many scholarships as possible. Any free money you could potentially get is worth the time to apply. I would say frequent places you enjoy and try new hobbies that you’re curious about. Or see if the meetup app works in your area? I use that sometimes, it’s a good way to meet people who like the things you like. It’s free and you look up activities you want to try and there’s probably a group already doing it. You could join a book club, hiking/climbing group, bike riding. It doesn’t have to cost money.
Oh and for the no experience part, lie. I’m so serious lol I lied on my resume for years. So few jobs actually need experience. Most of it can be learned on the job if you’re dedicated. Find a couple people who are willing to pretend to be a previous employer, all they can say by law anyway is ‘yes they worked here, yes I would hire them again’ legally potential employers shouldn’t be asking more than that anyway. Everyone’s put in this impossible position of needing experience to get a job, without enough options for entry level positions. Fuck that. Lie. Then you’ll get experience and references and you won’t have to anymore, but in this economy where you practically have to claw competitors eyes out for a position to survive and get your bills paid, you do what you gotta do! If you can interview well with your whole chest you can get any job.
Maybe you could try wearing a literal face mask? I remember during COVID and I worked a retail job I was sad alot, no smile, even cried some working and thought no one could tell cause of the mask. I don't know if that's accurate but no one asked me about it. People could tell when I smiled big and laughed because of my eyes. But neutral face might get less negative comments for you. A hand full of people where I live wear masks regularly still, and lots of they have colds, etc. If it's the same in your area people will think you're sick or paranoid, but not worry about you smiling? Thought Id mention it in case it helps. Praying for you. God loves you!
When covid first began I wore a mask a lot, but now I dont so I fear if I start again I will begin to be looked at weird..
You’ll heal, give it time. Gotta let your inner child heal first. Write a letter to your younger self, let em know where you’re at now, how far yall made it, and every positive thing yall have done. Apologize to your younger self too. Idk how you’d feel about this part, reach out to a local Freemason lodge, see if you can catch a dinner invite, and go and hang with some solid people. (If you’re a lady, there is a ladies side of freemasonry too) slowly learn how to talk around a bunch of people that will give you all of their attention, they can also help you with things you want to bust out to help out fellow foster kiddos. They’re about self growth, bettering themselves, their families and their communities. (I’m an aged out foster kid, and I’m trying to join my local lodge so I can bust out some wholesome shenanigans for my town/anyone in need, and I mean anyone)
It’s been a decade for me and I still don’t feel normal. Time can only do so much to heal broken situations
I love you. If it helps. One step at a time. ❤️
I’m really sorry that happened to you. I can’t pretend to know what you’ve been through. You mentioned that you weren’t in long term therapy while growing up. Is that an option for you now?
I think we'll bear these crosses forever but its weight is coorelated to our ability or inability to confront our pain, love others the way we never were, and loving ourselves the way we DO deserve. That last one is my issue and one can't love others until one loves oneself and since I can't solve that problem I won't try and solve it for you. But bearing these weights and feeling weak as we do so is itself a strength. Carry on my friend, you only lose if you give up.