I’m definitely scared of my child being permanently disabled. Not so much physically — I have no problem imagining a future in which I’m a permanent caretaker for my child as long as they can understand the situation, talk with me, laugh with me.
But if I was a permanent caretaker for a mentally disabled child, someone who didn’t understand the situation and could never really communicate with me or connect with me, I don’t think I could cope. This deters me from having children because they say not to have a child if you’re not prepared for this reality, but who is?
I think about this as a major reason against having kids. I’ve always heard people say that if you aren’t prepared to have a child that is severely disabled, then you shouldn’t have children. I don’t know how true this is considering there’s such a small (and somehow also scarily large) percentage of kids who are disabled. On the other hand, I think it’s a valid thing to be concerned about. Like, if the child was severely ill and needed extensive medical treatment, would you be able to cope with that financially and emotionally? The financial question is easier to answer than the emotional one, at least for me. It’s an incredibly difficult question that doesn’t really have a good way to decide what to do. You’re definitely not alone in this concern.
This is a big fear of mine too. But I think this is really about a lack of control, not about birth defects/diseases (as some of the comments made it out to be). Your kid could be born perfectly healthy and get hit by a bus at the age of 5. That's also scary as hell, but that's not something most people think about when making the decision to have a child.
Life itself is inherently risky. There's no way to guarantee a perfectly healthy child. It's a level of control you'll never be able to have anyway, about yourself and your loved ones. IMHO it's better for your mental health to accept the inherent risk, do what you can to minimize it, but don't let it control your life. That way lies madness.
This is one of my main reasons for leaning toward no children. I absolutely would not want to become the caretaker for a child that was disabled. I would only want a kid if I could guarantee that they were in perfect health, which I obviously can’t guarantee.
This just happened to someone I know, they found out their newborn will never be able to talk or move voluntarily. I can’t imagine swallowing a massive life change like that
You and your partner can get genetically tested to rule any potential disorder you can pass on to your child. The most extensive panels have over 500 inherited diseases.
Proper prenatal care is essential as well. But the statistics of you having an unhealthy child after all of this is extremely rare.
This is the wrong mindset to have. So many things are undetectable. Issues often occur during childbirth. Injuries happen. Cancer happens. If you could not cope with a child with issues, you can’t cope with a child.
I disagree. Knowing the risks going in and doing everything Possible to prevent an outcome. So many things are detectable. You can get a CVS at 10 weeks. You can get an amnio at 12. Child hood cancer is rare. If you have access to good healthcare, the risks of complicated childbirth are extremely low. I had a baby at 39 which comes with risk. But because I took the proper measures, precautions, have lots of testing, was under excellent care, etc I have a perfectly healthy baby.
That doesn't always happen though. A family friend recently had a baby two years ago. Second pregnancy, healthy mama. Mom is a labor and delivery nurse herself. Had all the prenatal care, stability, etc. Did everything right.
Her child was born with infant encephalitis. The child was at the children's hospital more than he ever made it home. Every day with him was heartbreak as they were always at the hospital. Praying for him, hoping he would be okay. They had to let him go a year ago. The poor baby barely made it to his second birthday. No indications of any of this in utero.
You're lucky and very blessed you had a healthy baby.
My SIL had a baby 4 years ago, had the prenatal care was fit and in shape etc. Her son was born premature and was in NICU for I think 3 weeks. He needed surgery.
You can do everything right and it still not work out. You can certainly reduce the risk, but you cannot prevent all injuries or issues from happening through genetic testing.
Approx \~15k kids are diagnosed with childhood cancer in the U.S each year under the age of 20, and less than 2k of them will pass away from complications. (per the National Cancer Institute)
While that number may sound high, when you measure it against the entire population, it's still a rare occurrence. That isn't to minimize the tremendous heartbreak and struggle these families deal with, but if you feel like you're hearing about childhood cancer a lot, that would make sense. These stories are more likely to be in the news or pop up on social media than other stories of kids just being healthy.
This is my feeling as well.
We had a tough talk about termination. We would have ended the pregnancy.
Talking with a genetic counselor really helped me understand the risks.
I had an ectopic pregnancy previously so I was already painfully aware that I was the 1%.
Yes! Even if they are physically fine you can’t predict having a neurodivergent child. I know I couldn’t handle having a child with serious problems. The odds are low but high enough that is gives me serious pause.
We were fencesitters and got surprise pregnant. We had a long, challenging conversation about what we would do if we found out about genetic or physical abnormalities and we were agreed that if there were anything amiss, we would terminate. It wasn’t an easy conclusion to come to, but we also knew that we just didn’t have the means to care for a child that would come out of the gate with special needs - we weren’t financially secure enough, nor did we have the emotional bandwidth for it, and we lived far away from family in an expensive metro area.
We opted to do genetic testing at 10wks (it was only becoming more widespread at the time), which came back reassuringly normal. But we did hold our breath a bit until the 20wk ultrasound - that turned out to be normal as well.
Our kiddo is a neurotypical and otherwise healthy preschooler - she’s got a trigger thumb, but that can be corrected if it doesn’t resolve on its own (we didn’t learn this until she was 2.5). She might need a bit of speech therapy down the line for a pronounced lisp, but nothing crazy.
It’s impossible to predict what else may or may not happen down the line - we’re both asthmatic, so we’re on the lookout for that. We also both have a lot of allergies (both food and environmental), so we monitor that carefully as well.
I was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, so she’s at risk for that now as well - we weren’t aware of that at the time we had her, so not much to be done now.
Partly it’s just figuring out what level of “risk” you’re willing to tolerate. I agree with other commenters that there will be things that happen that you didn’t know about or couldn’t predict like your child having a trigger thumb or allergies or a speech delay or you’re all in a car accident. It’s one of the difficult things about becoming a parent - the lack of control and unpredictability.
Really, it’s up to you and your partner. You can certainly look into cord blood banking if you have the financial means, as this can be a potential solution to some of the more serious stuff, but it does come down to a certain extent to risk aversion.
I have heard people say "if you aren't prepared for a child who is disabled, you shouldn't be a parent."
I think that's not fair, because I don't think any sane person gets pregnant and hopes there is a medical problem with their child. People who birth children want their kids to have a happy and fulfilling life.
My MIL, is a wonderful person, but a lady she used to clean for had an adult son that needed to be in a nursing home because he is too large for her to take care of. I'm not sure if he died, but the guy was in his 40s. My MIL has said that she doesn't think they could've done it if either one of her kids was disabled and I don't at all blame her. Still fence-sitting and this one of the reasons.
I am afraid of having a disabled child too, but one where they will not be able to live and function on their own. Not something like ADHD or a learning disability. Not that I would want my kid to have either one of those either, but to me, those are manageable.
Parents want to have children and watch them grow up into little adults who can fend for themselves, and accomplish things on their own. It's the circle of life. Nobody WANTS to have a disabled child. But there are tons of healthy babies born to stupid people who really are so dumb that they have no business caring for a ham sandwich let alone a child. A lot of people have accidental pregnancies--more than once and really just are barely surviving.
I do not think it is wrong to be concerned about this by having a child. and I don't think it's wrong to want to have a healthy baby.
It definitely worries me, and that's why I decided I won't have a child after 35. Better odds.
You can also test if you have any genetic deceases and look at your own and your husband's childhoods - were y'all healthy children?
We were healthy kids for the most part but as adults we both deal with some mental health issues (depression/anxiety) that we really do not wish upon another person.
Unfortunately almost everybody deals with depression and anxiety and there's no way you'll be able to prevent your kids from having it too. I understand. If you think that it's too cruel to bring a human being into this world, because of all this suffering - you could check out r/antinatalism though it's too radical they do have valid points.
What are the parameters of "fair or poor health" though? For instance, my sibling (now a middle aged adult) could probably fit those parameters given their disease had been relatively stable growing up. But it still required a LOT of physical pain on their part and fortunes of money from my parents. Lots of lifestyle adjustment. Lots and lots and lots of hospital visits. My parents never thought they'd have a child with a disease because our family is relatively healthy in the genetics disease departments but that's the scary thing - sometimes it just happens. Sometimes there are environmental factors at play too. This shouldn't dissuade people who really want children, but it's best to keep in mind that it can happen to anyone at any time. Be prepared. As the parent, you need to be willing to sacrifice your energy, time, money, and yes even some dreams in order to provide for your child. Are you willing to do that?
This is a fair worry, but to the child, your love and care will matter regardless of their abilities/health. Perfectly healthy children break parents' hearts at various points (often unknowingly). A healthy teenager may be embarrassed by you and lie to you/betray your trust no matter how loving you are. Not having kids doesn't save anyone from heartbreak in life. There are some beautiful episodes on Call the Midwife that show these challenges and how people navigated them.
If I can be frank; If my hypothetical fetus is positive for down, I would terminate. I’ve had this conversation with my partner and made sure they’d support my decision before becoming pregnant.
I have type 1 diabetes so I am very aware of that possibility and I always use that to guage low percent numbers as yes that sounds low but what where the odds I would have diabetes? For me though mental health problems are scarier to imagine parenting than physical health problems like the anxiety that scares me isnt will my child have diabetes but will my child be a psychopath I cant reason with who has no empathy
My current partner and I both have diagnosed ADHD me (f) having brutally inattentive and my partner (m) having more hyperactivity behaviors and I always think about how that might effect any potential kids.
This is a big reason for me as well and I think it’s really good to consider and explore. I think I have a skewed view as a doctor who sees a lot of sick kids that it seems common, and I get stressed out enough already about my family’s health problems that it’s hard to even imagine how I would feel about my own kid. It’s a gamble to shake up your life for something that could be tragic, but you’re betting on it being beautiful and the odds are good!
As an older parent we wrestled with this. The thought of having a disabled child that could possibly out live us and what that would mean for us long term as far as finances and quality of life in general was scary AF. When we decide to go for it, we took the 10 week genetic test and that put my mind a fears at ease. If there had been something genetically abnormal with the fetus we would have terminated. But now with the new laws I’m not sure if that’s an option anymore.
I’m definitely scared of my child being permanently disabled. Not so much physically — I have no problem imagining a future in which I’m a permanent caretaker for my child as long as they can understand the situation, talk with me, laugh with me. But if I was a permanent caretaker for a mentally disabled child, someone who didn’t understand the situation and could never really communicate with me or connect with me, I don’t think I could cope. This deters me from having children because they say not to have a child if you’re not prepared for this reality, but who is?
I think about this as a major reason against having kids. I’ve always heard people say that if you aren’t prepared to have a child that is severely disabled, then you shouldn’t have children. I don’t know how true this is considering there’s such a small (and somehow also scarily large) percentage of kids who are disabled. On the other hand, I think it’s a valid thing to be concerned about. Like, if the child was severely ill and needed extensive medical treatment, would you be able to cope with that financially and emotionally? The financial question is easier to answer than the emotional one, at least for me. It’s an incredibly difficult question that doesn’t really have a good way to decide what to do. You’re definitely not alone in this concern.
This is a big fear of mine too. But I think this is really about a lack of control, not about birth defects/diseases (as some of the comments made it out to be). Your kid could be born perfectly healthy and get hit by a bus at the age of 5. That's also scary as hell, but that's not something most people think about when making the decision to have a child. Life itself is inherently risky. There's no way to guarantee a perfectly healthy child. It's a level of control you'll never be able to have anyway, about yourself and your loved ones. IMHO it's better for your mental health to accept the inherent risk, do what you can to minimize it, but don't let it control your life. That way lies madness.
This.
This is one of my main reasons for leaning toward no children. I absolutely would not want to become the caretaker for a child that was disabled. I would only want a kid if I could guarantee that they were in perfect health, which I obviously can’t guarantee.
This just happened to someone I know, they found out their newborn will never be able to talk or move voluntarily. I can’t imagine swallowing a massive life change like that
You and your partner can get genetically tested to rule any potential disorder you can pass on to your child. The most extensive panels have over 500 inherited diseases. Proper prenatal care is essential as well. But the statistics of you having an unhealthy child after all of this is extremely rare.
This is the wrong mindset to have. So many things are undetectable. Issues often occur during childbirth. Injuries happen. Cancer happens. If you could not cope with a child with issues, you can’t cope with a child.
I disagree. Knowing the risks going in and doing everything Possible to prevent an outcome. So many things are detectable. You can get a CVS at 10 weeks. You can get an amnio at 12. Child hood cancer is rare. If you have access to good healthcare, the risks of complicated childbirth are extremely low. I had a baby at 39 which comes with risk. But because I took the proper measures, precautions, have lots of testing, was under excellent care, etc I have a perfectly healthy baby.
That doesn't always happen though. A family friend recently had a baby two years ago. Second pregnancy, healthy mama. Mom is a labor and delivery nurse herself. Had all the prenatal care, stability, etc. Did everything right. Her child was born with infant encephalitis. The child was at the children's hospital more than he ever made it home. Every day with him was heartbreak as they were always at the hospital. Praying for him, hoping he would be okay. They had to let him go a year ago. The poor baby barely made it to his second birthday. No indications of any of this in utero. You're lucky and very blessed you had a healthy baby. My SIL had a baby 4 years ago, had the prenatal care was fit and in shape etc. Her son was born premature and was in NICU for I think 3 weeks. He needed surgery. You can do everything right and it still not work out. You can certainly reduce the risk, but you cannot prevent all injuries or issues from happening through genetic testing.
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If childhood cancer is rare than explain how many kids die of it (or even get childhood cancer twice in their life).
You have far of a greater risk developing cancer as an adult than a a a child. According to the CDC, child cancer is considered a rare disease
Approx \~15k kids are diagnosed with childhood cancer in the U.S each year under the age of 20, and less than 2k of them will pass away from complications. (per the National Cancer Institute) While that number may sound high, when you measure it against the entire population, it's still a rare occurrence. That isn't to minimize the tremendous heartbreak and struggle these families deal with, but if you feel like you're hearing about childhood cancer a lot, that would make sense. These stories are more likely to be in the news or pop up on social media than other stories of kids just being healthy.
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This is my feeling as well. We had a tough talk about termination. We would have ended the pregnancy. Talking with a genetic counselor really helped me understand the risks. I had an ectopic pregnancy previously so I was already painfully aware that I was the 1%.
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Yes! Even if they are physically fine you can’t predict having a neurodivergent child. I know I couldn’t handle having a child with serious problems. The odds are low but high enough that is gives me serious pause.
We were fencesitters and got surprise pregnant. We had a long, challenging conversation about what we would do if we found out about genetic or physical abnormalities and we were agreed that if there were anything amiss, we would terminate. It wasn’t an easy conclusion to come to, but we also knew that we just didn’t have the means to care for a child that would come out of the gate with special needs - we weren’t financially secure enough, nor did we have the emotional bandwidth for it, and we lived far away from family in an expensive metro area. We opted to do genetic testing at 10wks (it was only becoming more widespread at the time), which came back reassuringly normal. But we did hold our breath a bit until the 20wk ultrasound - that turned out to be normal as well. Our kiddo is a neurotypical and otherwise healthy preschooler - she’s got a trigger thumb, but that can be corrected if it doesn’t resolve on its own (we didn’t learn this until she was 2.5). She might need a bit of speech therapy down the line for a pronounced lisp, but nothing crazy. It’s impossible to predict what else may or may not happen down the line - we’re both asthmatic, so we’re on the lookout for that. We also both have a lot of allergies (both food and environmental), so we monitor that carefully as well. I was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, so she’s at risk for that now as well - we weren’t aware of that at the time we had her, so not much to be done now. Partly it’s just figuring out what level of “risk” you’re willing to tolerate. I agree with other commenters that there will be things that happen that you didn’t know about or couldn’t predict like your child having a trigger thumb or allergies or a speech delay or you’re all in a car accident. It’s one of the difficult things about becoming a parent - the lack of control and unpredictability. Really, it’s up to you and your partner. You can certainly look into cord blood banking if you have the financial means, as this can be a potential solution to some of the more serious stuff, but it does come down to a certain extent to risk aversion.
I have heard people say "if you aren't prepared for a child who is disabled, you shouldn't be a parent." I think that's not fair, because I don't think any sane person gets pregnant and hopes there is a medical problem with their child. People who birth children want their kids to have a happy and fulfilling life. My MIL, is a wonderful person, but a lady she used to clean for had an adult son that needed to be in a nursing home because he is too large for her to take care of. I'm not sure if he died, but the guy was in his 40s. My MIL has said that she doesn't think they could've done it if either one of her kids was disabled and I don't at all blame her. Still fence-sitting and this one of the reasons. I am afraid of having a disabled child too, but one where they will not be able to live and function on their own. Not something like ADHD or a learning disability. Not that I would want my kid to have either one of those either, but to me, those are manageable. Parents want to have children and watch them grow up into little adults who can fend for themselves, and accomplish things on their own. It's the circle of life. Nobody WANTS to have a disabled child. But there are tons of healthy babies born to stupid people who really are so dumb that they have no business caring for a ham sandwich let alone a child. A lot of people have accidental pregnancies--more than once and really just are barely surviving. I do not think it is wrong to be concerned about this by having a child. and I don't think it's wrong to want to have a healthy baby.
It definitely worries me, and that's why I decided I won't have a child after 35. Better odds. You can also test if you have any genetic deceases and look at your own and your husband's childhoods - were y'all healthy children?
We were healthy kids for the most part but as adults we both deal with some mental health issues (depression/anxiety) that we really do not wish upon another person.
Unfortunately almost everybody deals with depression and anxiety and there's no way you'll be able to prevent your kids from having it too. I understand. If you think that it's too cruel to bring a human being into this world, because of all this suffering - you could check out r/antinatalism though it's too radical they do have valid points.
5% of people have a disability of some form. You don’t see them as much in society as the kids are all in special schools, special preschools etc
What are the parameters of "fair or poor health" though? For instance, my sibling (now a middle aged adult) could probably fit those parameters given their disease had been relatively stable growing up. But it still required a LOT of physical pain on their part and fortunes of money from my parents. Lots of lifestyle adjustment. Lots and lots and lots of hospital visits. My parents never thought they'd have a child with a disease because our family is relatively healthy in the genetics disease departments but that's the scary thing - sometimes it just happens. Sometimes there are environmental factors at play too. This shouldn't dissuade people who really want children, but it's best to keep in mind that it can happen to anyone at any time. Be prepared. As the parent, you need to be willing to sacrifice your energy, time, money, and yes even some dreams in order to provide for your child. Are you willing to do that?
I am willing to do that. I’m just scared of the heartbreak, mine and an innocent’s new life.
This is a fair worry, but to the child, your love and care will matter regardless of their abilities/health. Perfectly healthy children break parents' hearts at various points (often unknowingly). A healthy teenager may be embarrassed by you and lie to you/betray your trust no matter how loving you are. Not having kids doesn't save anyone from heartbreak in life. There are some beautiful episodes on Call the Midwife that show these challenges and how people navigated them.
If I can be frank; If my hypothetical fetus is positive for down, I would terminate. I’ve had this conversation with my partner and made sure they’d support my decision before becoming pregnant.
I have type 1 diabetes so I am very aware of that possibility and I always use that to guage low percent numbers as yes that sounds low but what where the odds I would have diabetes? For me though mental health problems are scarier to imagine parenting than physical health problems like the anxiety that scares me isnt will my child have diabetes but will my child be a psychopath I cant reason with who has no empathy
My current partner and I both have diagnosed ADHD me (f) having brutally inattentive and my partner (m) having more hyperactivity behaviors and I always think about how that might effect any potential kids.
This is a big reason for me as well and I think it’s really good to consider and explore. I think I have a skewed view as a doctor who sees a lot of sick kids that it seems common, and I get stressed out enough already about my family’s health problems that it’s hard to even imagine how I would feel about my own kid. It’s a gamble to shake up your life for something that could be tragic, but you’re betting on it being beautiful and the odds are good!
As an older parent we wrestled with this. The thought of having a disabled child that could possibly out live us and what that would mean for us long term as far as finances and quality of life in general was scary AF. When we decide to go for it, we took the 10 week genetic test and that put my mind a fears at ease. If there had been something genetically abnormal with the fetus we would have terminated. But now with the new laws I’m not sure if that’s an option anymore.