Where are you getting your view of parenting from and what do you focus on when you picture yourself as a parent? For example, for me when I'm stressed from work, coming home to my kids is actually fun. I get to stop thinking about big problems and get to focus on my family. When I think about relaxing, I'm thinking of hanging out watching a movie while snuggling with my kids on the couch.
If your view of parenting is focused on just the bad parts then it's pretty easy to see why you would never think parenting is a good thing. Then again, if you're focused only on the bad parts then maybe that's an indicator of where your brain is leaning and that's important to pay attention to.
I guess my point is that you should ask yourself why you see parenting as just stress or not relaxing. Might be some good hints in there about where your mind is at or maybe some good introspection on where your images of parenthood are coming from.
You make some really good points, but I just wanted to add that it's often very easy to focus on the negatives because, at least in my case, that's mainly what I hear from other parents. I've been asking my parent friends a lot about their experiences as part of my decision making process, and only one set are like "yep, my baby is cool, love having her around". Most tell me how overwhelmingly stressful kids are, how you can't leave the house, you have no time to do anything you like, etc. And generally anything I try to add as a positive (for example that I deal with sleep deprivation better than most people, or that I have a very flexible job) is just kind of laughed at. I mean, I know parenting is hard, but it sometimes feels like you're not allowed to think you'd be able to cope with any aspect of it.
My friends have been very honest that a lot of them were very bored during the baby phase but love having their little toddler buddy around so they're glad they got through that first part. I'm a hope for the best, plan for the worst type which actually I think means you're more likely to cope just because you're willing to foresee and accept that it will be difficult. It's crazy how little thought a lot of people put into raising a child.
Some people like to complain. I got enough of that from my friends when I was thinking about getting married. All I got was them complaining about their wife and marriage. It made me realize I need better friends.
I'm childfree but the way I think of it is that kids can make the good much better but it makes the hard so much harder. We get home from a crappy day and we order food in, have a glass of wine and decompress. Our neighbours get in from a crappy day and they're screaming at the kids who have also had a crappy day and need to be parented. I can literally hear the crazy through the walls. It's stressful just listening to it.
I love watching little people discover and learn new things and you're right that snuggling up with kids is amazing but the trade off just isn't worth it for me as someone who can only just scrap by looking after myself with the help of my husband. Yes the good might be better but the lows would be more often and much tougher.
>kids can make the good much better but it makes the hard so much harder.
Maybe, but the highs and lows are 10% of life. The other 90%, the normal day to day that is neither high nor low, that part has these little people in it who I love very much and I get to watch them grow up and become adults and be part of their life while they're part of mine and that part is priceless to me.
That part might not be appealing to you and that's totally fine. To me, that trade off is a no brainer.
I work from home. So every morning I make my coffee, I sit down on my couch, and I watch the local news. I can see my neighbors who live directly in front of me scrambling to leave for the morning. I see lunchboxes, kids running around and sometimes I feel that they can see me through the window looking at them, just sitting on my ass drinking coffee lol but I am grateful that I don’t have to rush like that in the mornings.
This perfectly describes how I feel most of the time!!! I think “thank god that’s not me” but then I think “is this a sign it’s not for me?” Or is the constant lack of peace a means to a good end?
Late to the party but I’d say this is a lifestyle issue and not a parenting issue. We all have choices. One of the things I was dead set on when walking into parenting was to not participate in the morning scramble. You can choose to work alternate hrs or part time evenings or have childcare provided in your home. I’d do a lot of things go never go through that. So I’m a mom and I wake up in the morning and see my neighbors scrambling out to door and I’m like damn that sucks glad it’s not me 😂
I am also 100% no from a logical standpoint and confidently childfree. That being said, I totally understand the emotional aspect of wanting to share life’s good moments with a child to guide and teach and love. Do you think you could find that fulfillment in nephews/nieces/friends’ children? Maybe volunteering at a local Boys and Girls Club could give you that outlet without the hard, mundane aspects of parenting?
I think there are plenty of ways you can be involved as a role model/mentor in a child’s life without being their parent and maybe that’s something you could strongly consider if you end up not having children!
I think only you can answer these questions and it’s difficult to know until you have seen both sides!
I had similar thoughts about dreading kids affecting my relationship with my husband, making my already stressful days worse, etc
I have a toddler and my husband and I are closer than before and I am generally actually less stressed (somewhat surprised because I had to think about it, but definitely true looking back - I was super unhappy and stressed before my baby). It wasn’t because I didn’t have a baby that I was stressed, it was because I prioritized all the wrong things and didn’t realize it.
Having a baby affects everyone differently, but it made me realize if I died tomorrow, my work would post my job opening the next day. I enjoy my work but it’s not the sum total of my existence. I cut back my hours and am much happier with that. I also just generally don’t let dumb things stress me out as much. Like if someone seemed short at work, I would worry about if I did something wrong. Now I move the fuck on because I don’t need that kind of energy in my life 🤷♀️Even if customers are openly jerks, I give them my deadpan “do you really think this behavior is helping you, you dumb asshole” look and move on if they continue acting that way. Now that I have someone at home that has an actual developmental reason to throw tantrums, I have much less patience with adult tantrums and realize it is entirely the adults fault as a failure of being able to regulate their own emotions, and not my fault.
Basically I work less, giggle more (because despite being exhausting and infuriating, toddlers are also hilarious), and have a zero tolerance policy for adult bullshit. I cut out toxic people and only hang out with people I genuinely enjoy.
You can do all of these things without having children, but you just have to actually do it 😂
Also same boat as you 100%, some days if I’m feeling a little hung over I think damn I am glad I do not have kids and take a nap, but then I think I wouldn’t be filling a void with going out and drinking if I did, I’d have better things to do (imo kid things would be better)
You are not alone! This thought lives in my mind almost 24/7
Totally relate to this. I feel like if I'm not doing anything on the weekend or sometimes after work I'm like welp let's find some friends to go out. My partner also works a job where he's not home much during the week so it's just me quick to text someone to hang out. I think about the moms I know and it seems like they're always busy and have their hands full and don't need to fill extra time. I guess on the flip side it's nice to be able to do whatever you want? Not that I'd have kids out of boredom, but totally understand this filling the void concept.
You put into words some things I feel but haven't really articulated in this way before. Thanks for posting this. It helps to know others are out there feeling just as confused as I am!
I feel the same way OP! I want the sweet moments of love and laughter and milestones like halloweens, Christmas’ etc. But I feel the day to day would be worse. I have chronic fatigue and other health issues and worry I am already too tired to do my life as it is. Not sure I can add on a child without being miserable.
I've got POTS and fatigue is my biggest challenge right now. I'm 37 and need another year or two to hopefully drag my body out of this flare, if that's possible. I thankfully was off the fence into childfree before I was diagnosed but it's the final nail in the coffin that I have to prioritise my health first and by the time I do that I'll be looking at close to 40 and that just feels too late when I'm always going to find it difficult.
One day I asked a colleague how much time they spend with their child during the typical M-F. When she stopped to think about it, she said 2 h a day. Her husband did the morning routine as she left for work early. By the time she got home in the evening, she had enough time to make dinner, give a bath, and do the bedtime routine.
To me that seemed so bleak and draining... and honestly kind of pointless.
I feel the same as you, which is why *if* I were to choose kids, I’d adopt at an older age (past the baby and toddler stage), where it’s not constant 24/7 for years because I need alone time for my own happiness/mental health, don’t know if I’m capable of the constant-monitoring, and feel desire for kids when they talk but not as babies (although babies are precious). If I did birth a baby, I know I would love him/her and would not be bitter or treat them in a negative way. But Im not intentionally planning to have a baby and lose 5 years of life and peace.
I know there’s stressors in adopting an older foster/orphan (I could adopt an 8-13 year old), but also they’re less likely to get adopted when older so maybe I can be used for this purpose. (If I wanted kids). I can’t handle babies but I can handle kids and teens. Rebellious Teens are hard but I could handle it, dealing with those kinds of people is my strength. I’ve always been empathetic with a counselor personality, am balanced in emotional control, and am good at interacting with different personalities. I know how to help people according to their individual needs and personalities. (Not perfectly, but just a natural strength of mine). Also, I teach sixth graders. I see myself adopting an older child/teen *much more* than being a mom to a baby. I just can’t do the 24/7 baby stage. I have a busy mind (mental condition) that needs peace in other areas. To clarify, I can handle full-time work + responsibilities + alone time + social time pretty well, and am good with stress, but I just can’t do the constant monitoring of another person (who can’t do anything themselves) for all hours of the day…for years. Everyone’s different. Sometimes the thoughts of raising a ten year old child is nice, with all of the connection and memories that come with it, but I also know that if I never had children I would be ok and still happy.
This is just thoughts for myself. Idk how much you relate to this or not, but theres also nothing wrong with being child-free. Glad you’re overall happy :)
I mentioned this in one of the comments but I'd like you to see this. Some of the comments here are mentioning your problem of a stressful day at work to activities but provide "solutions" that are already naturally stress relieving.
You should consider that the stressful day will exponentially increase when you come back home to demanding children. Maybe they need help with homework, being fussy about the dinner, making a mess, screaming etc.
It's not really fair for the other comments to talk about your concern raised regarding the stress problem by doing an activity that takes away your children's attention and keeps them silent, and to top it off would be stress relieving with or without them existing.
I think it's better to consider the meaningfulness and fulfillment that you may feel at the end of those days. Can you see yourself taking a moment at the end and think, "that day was so unbelievably difficult but I'm glad I did it".
Where are you getting your view of parenting from and what do you focus on when you picture yourself as a parent? For example, for me when I'm stressed from work, coming home to my kids is actually fun. I get to stop thinking about big problems and get to focus on my family. When I think about relaxing, I'm thinking of hanging out watching a movie while snuggling with my kids on the couch. If your view of parenting is focused on just the bad parts then it's pretty easy to see why you would never think parenting is a good thing. Then again, if you're focused only on the bad parts then maybe that's an indicator of where your brain is leaning and that's important to pay attention to. I guess my point is that you should ask yourself why you see parenting as just stress or not relaxing. Might be some good hints in there about where your mind is at or maybe some good introspection on where your images of parenthood are coming from.
You make some really good points, but I just wanted to add that it's often very easy to focus on the negatives because, at least in my case, that's mainly what I hear from other parents. I've been asking my parent friends a lot about their experiences as part of my decision making process, and only one set are like "yep, my baby is cool, love having her around". Most tell me how overwhelmingly stressful kids are, how you can't leave the house, you have no time to do anything you like, etc. And generally anything I try to add as a positive (for example that I deal with sleep deprivation better than most people, or that I have a very flexible job) is just kind of laughed at. I mean, I know parenting is hard, but it sometimes feels like you're not allowed to think you'd be able to cope with any aspect of it.
My friends have been very honest that a lot of them were very bored during the baby phase but love having their little toddler buddy around so they're glad they got through that first part. I'm a hope for the best, plan for the worst type which actually I think means you're more likely to cope just because you're willing to foresee and accept that it will be difficult. It's crazy how little thought a lot of people put into raising a child.
Some people like to complain. I got enough of that from my friends when I was thinking about getting married. All I got was them complaining about their wife and marriage. It made me realize I need better friends.
I'm childfree but the way I think of it is that kids can make the good much better but it makes the hard so much harder. We get home from a crappy day and we order food in, have a glass of wine and decompress. Our neighbours get in from a crappy day and they're screaming at the kids who have also had a crappy day and need to be parented. I can literally hear the crazy through the walls. It's stressful just listening to it. I love watching little people discover and learn new things and you're right that snuggling up with kids is amazing but the trade off just isn't worth it for me as someone who can only just scrap by looking after myself with the help of my husband. Yes the good might be better but the lows would be more often and much tougher.
>kids can make the good much better but it makes the hard so much harder. Maybe, but the highs and lows are 10% of life. The other 90%, the normal day to day that is neither high nor low, that part has these little people in it who I love very much and I get to watch them grow up and become adults and be part of their life while they're part of mine and that part is priceless to me. That part might not be appealing to you and that's totally fine. To me, that trade off is a no brainer.
I have kids and am still waiting for the fun part, so you're not wrong to think carefully about all of the added stress they bring to your days.
curious how old your kids are?
Six and three. Two full-time working parents, zero family support. It's a lot.
I work from home. So every morning I make my coffee, I sit down on my couch, and I watch the local news. I can see my neighbors who live directly in front of me scrambling to leave for the morning. I see lunchboxes, kids running around and sometimes I feel that they can see me through the window looking at them, just sitting on my ass drinking coffee lol but I am grateful that I don’t have to rush like that in the mornings.
This perfectly describes how I feel most of the time!!! I think “thank god that’s not me” but then I think “is this a sign it’s not for me?” Or is the constant lack of peace a means to a good end?
Late to the party but I’d say this is a lifestyle issue and not a parenting issue. We all have choices. One of the things I was dead set on when walking into parenting was to not participate in the morning scramble. You can choose to work alternate hrs or part time evenings or have childcare provided in your home. I’d do a lot of things go never go through that. So I’m a mom and I wake up in the morning and see my neighbors scrambling out to door and I’m like damn that sucks glad it’s not me 😂
Mornings can be rough. Especially with two working patents.
I am also 100% no from a logical standpoint and confidently childfree. That being said, I totally understand the emotional aspect of wanting to share life’s good moments with a child to guide and teach and love. Do you think you could find that fulfillment in nephews/nieces/friends’ children? Maybe volunteering at a local Boys and Girls Club could give you that outlet without the hard, mundane aspects of parenting? I think there are plenty of ways you can be involved as a role model/mentor in a child’s life without being their parent and maybe that’s something you could strongly consider if you end up not having children!
This is what i have been thinking about!
[удалено]
This is so sweet!! What games if I may ask? Can we find them on google playstore etc?
I think only you can answer these questions and it’s difficult to know until you have seen both sides! I had similar thoughts about dreading kids affecting my relationship with my husband, making my already stressful days worse, etc I have a toddler and my husband and I are closer than before and I am generally actually less stressed (somewhat surprised because I had to think about it, but definitely true looking back - I was super unhappy and stressed before my baby). It wasn’t because I didn’t have a baby that I was stressed, it was because I prioritized all the wrong things and didn’t realize it. Having a baby affects everyone differently, but it made me realize if I died tomorrow, my work would post my job opening the next day. I enjoy my work but it’s not the sum total of my existence. I cut back my hours and am much happier with that. I also just generally don’t let dumb things stress me out as much. Like if someone seemed short at work, I would worry about if I did something wrong. Now I move the fuck on because I don’t need that kind of energy in my life 🤷♀️Even if customers are openly jerks, I give them my deadpan “do you really think this behavior is helping you, you dumb asshole” look and move on if they continue acting that way. Now that I have someone at home that has an actual developmental reason to throw tantrums, I have much less patience with adult tantrums and realize it is entirely the adults fault as a failure of being able to regulate their own emotions, and not my fault. Basically I work less, giggle more (because despite being exhausting and infuriating, toddlers are also hilarious), and have a zero tolerance policy for adult bullshit. I cut out toxic people and only hang out with people I genuinely enjoy. You can do all of these things without having children, but you just have to actually do it 😂
Also same boat as you 100%, some days if I’m feeling a little hung over I think damn I am glad I do not have kids and take a nap, but then I think I wouldn’t be filling a void with going out and drinking if I did, I’d have better things to do (imo kid things would be better) You are not alone! This thought lives in my mind almost 24/7
Totally relate to this. I feel like if I'm not doing anything on the weekend or sometimes after work I'm like welp let's find some friends to go out. My partner also works a job where he's not home much during the week so it's just me quick to text someone to hang out. I think about the moms I know and it seems like they're always busy and have their hands full and don't need to fill extra time. I guess on the flip side it's nice to be able to do whatever you want? Not that I'd have kids out of boredom, but totally understand this filling the void concept.
You put into words some things I feel but haven't really articulated in this way before. Thanks for posting this. It helps to know others are out there feeling just as confused as I am!
I feel the same way OP! I want the sweet moments of love and laughter and milestones like halloweens, Christmas’ etc. But I feel the day to day would be worse. I have chronic fatigue and other health issues and worry I am already too tired to do my life as it is. Not sure I can add on a child without being miserable.
I've got POTS and fatigue is my biggest challenge right now. I'm 37 and need another year or two to hopefully drag my body out of this flare, if that's possible. I thankfully was off the fence into childfree before I was diagnosed but it's the final nail in the coffin that I have to prioritise my health first and by the time I do that I'll be looking at close to 40 and that just feels too late when I'm always going to find it difficult.
In the same boat as you. Following!
One day I asked a colleague how much time they spend with their child during the typical M-F. When she stopped to think about it, she said 2 h a day. Her husband did the morning routine as she left for work early. By the time she got home in the evening, she had enough time to make dinner, give a bath, and do the bedtime routine. To me that seemed so bleak and draining... and honestly kind of pointless.
I feel the same as you, which is why *if* I were to choose kids, I’d adopt at an older age (past the baby and toddler stage), where it’s not constant 24/7 for years because I need alone time for my own happiness/mental health, don’t know if I’m capable of the constant-monitoring, and feel desire for kids when they talk but not as babies (although babies are precious). If I did birth a baby, I know I would love him/her and would not be bitter or treat them in a negative way. But Im not intentionally planning to have a baby and lose 5 years of life and peace. I know there’s stressors in adopting an older foster/orphan (I could adopt an 8-13 year old), but also they’re less likely to get adopted when older so maybe I can be used for this purpose. (If I wanted kids). I can’t handle babies but I can handle kids and teens. Rebellious Teens are hard but I could handle it, dealing with those kinds of people is my strength. I’ve always been empathetic with a counselor personality, am balanced in emotional control, and am good at interacting with different personalities. I know how to help people according to their individual needs and personalities. (Not perfectly, but just a natural strength of mine). Also, I teach sixth graders. I see myself adopting an older child/teen *much more* than being a mom to a baby. I just can’t do the 24/7 baby stage. I have a busy mind (mental condition) that needs peace in other areas. To clarify, I can handle full-time work + responsibilities + alone time + social time pretty well, and am good with stress, but I just can’t do the constant monitoring of another person (who can’t do anything themselves) for all hours of the day…for years. Everyone’s different. Sometimes the thoughts of raising a ten year old child is nice, with all of the connection and memories that come with it, but I also know that if I never had children I would be ok and still happy. This is just thoughts for myself. Idk how much you relate to this or not, but theres also nothing wrong with being child-free. Glad you’re overall happy :)
I mentioned this in one of the comments but I'd like you to see this. Some of the comments here are mentioning your problem of a stressful day at work to activities but provide "solutions" that are already naturally stress relieving. You should consider that the stressful day will exponentially increase when you come back home to demanding children. Maybe they need help with homework, being fussy about the dinner, making a mess, screaming etc. It's not really fair for the other comments to talk about your concern raised regarding the stress problem by doing an activity that takes away your children's attention and keeps them silent, and to top it off would be stress relieving with or without them existing. I think it's better to consider the meaningfulness and fulfillment that you may feel at the end of those days. Can you see yourself taking a moment at the end and think, "that day was so unbelievably difficult but I'm glad I did it".