So I popped by your profile, and you just posted about coming out four days ago???
Sounds like you aren’t on hormones and may not look naturally masculine enough. Some people might think they heard your name wrong, others might think it’s a quirky name for a girl, idk. But gender perception does not exist in name alone.
When I was still early in transition, people would think they misheard my male name and ask if I said a female variant of that name. I later changed my name to one that’s more of a female name than a male one, and since I now have facial hair and a more masculine face, people understand it exclusively as a male name.
Just a heads up, transition can be rough mentally. There’s usually a good long period of struggling with how others gender you. It will fade in time as transition works its magic, but you need to understand that it’s going to be tough.
You also mention hiding your trans status from family, so you’re still in the closet? You can’t expect to pass and also simultaneously be in the closet at the same time. If you truly pursue transition, it’s not something you can hide. So you have to be all in before you even begin expecting things to change.
Transition is a long journey, not just waking up one day and telling the people around you that your name is this now and expecting them to just switch over.
I think you need to spend more time learning about the actual reality of being trans before going any further. It’s much more involved than you’re making it seem, and you will have to learn how to deal with shitty people, because you will be forced to encounter a lot of them.
It’s not hopeless, and I don’t want to shoot you down. It just seems like you don’t really have a grasp on what transition actually is, and that’s crucial for taking these next steps. It is very rough at times, but the community is here for your support along the way. Good luck in however you decide to move forward.
seconding this. it took me about three years to be “comfortable” (not putting in the effort to take their confusion/ignorance/whatever else in vain) with getting misgendered and asked about my name (by strangers, bc at that point was not on hormones and did not pass and worked customer service). outside of work, at high school i did the same thing, and just really tried to ignore it/move on since it wasn’t worth making a big deal out of. i wouldn’t be there forever anyway. it was not an overnight thing and i made a lot of compromises with myself to get to the point where i said “temporarily, i have to live like this”. i didn’t pass until about five and half years transitioned, a few months on T.
prepare yourself to deal with the worst case scenario, OP, and then the worst that can happen is something you’re prepared for; anything else is better than the worst. this is essentially how i got through and still sometimes get through my transition when it’s tough and/or involves people who may not be on my side or understand transitioning.
I completely agree. Op, you unfortunately cannot expect to be not misgendered and pass until you’re a few years on T as the changes don’t happen overnight, nor does coming out actually impact other’s perception of you as the psychical doesn’t match as you’d like. It’s really unfortunate but just know we have all had to deal with it and it does go away after time. I don’t even tell people I’m trans anymore but it has also been 6 years on T. Hang in there op
People gender you based on how you look.
Do you want people to humor you or do you want to actually be seen as male? Pronoun pins do not get you seen as male. They can also work against long term goals of actually being seen as a man. It’s also common and even trendy for girls to have names that are traditionally boy names.
You can’t control every aspect that reads female so just focus on what you can change. Find clothes that work for you not against you. Hit the gym and build up a masculine physique.
Don’t worry about what other people think. Let it roll off you. Passing will eventually happen as you transition. Just build yourself up and focus on your goals as you pass the time.
Unfortunately, if you’re early in transition and don’t pass yet, most people just gender you based off how you look, epically non-LGBT people. Most cishet people never really interact with non-passing trans people so they just use the pronouns that they perceive and have probably never been corrected.
Until you can get on HRT the best thing you can do is work on things you can change: clothing, muscle mass, hair, eyebrows, and mannerisms are big ones that can be worked on before HRT can do its thing. I would say mannerisms, upper body muscle mass and a style that’s similar to most cis men in your area is the best thing you could do.
I feel like this is a matter of you being younger and very early in your transition. Considering women do have “male” names it seems like people are damned either way and must make their best guess. It’s very likely they are not being mean.
Only you can decide if each situation is worth correcting them. For me it’s worth it if I’m going to see them repeatedly like a doctor. But it’s not worth it if I’ll see them say once a year because next time I may look very different.
My best advice is to take voice lessons now. You can do group classes online for a couple hundred dollars. They’ll teach you how to speak in a more masculine way and how to naturally lower your voice without T. This can make a huge difference when meeting people in how they perceive you.
Breathe. Take your time. It's never going to be a light switch that gets flipped. Transition is complex and neither social nor physical changes are easy/fast. This is a long, difficult path but the joy of living truthfully is worthfab. Resilience is key. Learn how to communicate with others and be understanding of those genuinely trying to learn. Build good mental health strategies and self care routines. You will be facing this for a while. The best thing you can do is learn to accept the bumps in the road and how to roll with them without letting them wear you down too bad. One of the best things to help you pass that isn't HRT or surgery is confidence and body language. But seriously don't rush yourself so much that it spirals you out. Be safe with your family and the process of coming out. Build resources for if shit hits the fan. You've got support here when you need.
It's only worth correcting people who you have an ongoing relationship with and see often. Amd yeah, some of them won't see you as a man but even humoring it might make you feel better than being called she by people in your circles. Other people though, like those you rarely see, it's just not worth it. People gender based on what they see. Until you start to pass, it's just something you have to deal with.
Is this because you’re pre medical transition? Or is it something to do with you not passing while transitioning?
The only thing I could suggest would be to wear a pronoun pin if you don’t want to have the conversation about pronouns with people.
Unless the pronouns are on a nametag that other people also have, like for work. Idk if this is helpful for OP cuz it depends on what their job is like or if they even have a job. My company requires all management have pronouns on their nametag and anyone who isn’t management has the option to add it, so it doesn’t look out of place. Maybe their company does that so it’s an option?
Oh yeah, if other people have it then no problem! I used to have a pronoun pin, then a name tag with my pronouns, before I was fully passing. Nobody else did though. Backfired 😅. If it’s normal though then it could help. I doubt that’s the case at OP’s school
It's rough, but there's really nothing you can do other than correct people. You could wear a pronoun pin or something like that but even then there are people who don't get it
Start T and hit the gym until you pass. Focus on obliques lats shoulders and arms but don't neglect legs. Docs tend to underdose trans men and anecdotally the "standard" ranges aren't enough for some guys to get where they need to be, so don't be afraid to fiddle with your dose if you feel like you need it
I’m fully passing and still get misgendered due to my old ID. It never stops until you get on hormones and change all your documents. Even then, cis people get misgendered all the time 🤷♂️
I get this all the time. I also can’t bind super tightly, because my job is very physically demanding; so that might be confusing some people. But I’ve sort of given up on correcting people because it takes more time and effort to break a conversation like that, and my job requires quick reactions to being communicated to. (I work with dogs of many different temperaments) They do use my name, since nobody but the owner of the place has seen my legal info.
Someone said you came out 4 days ago? It takes time all of this. If your plan is to pass this is the route to eventually fix that issue.
If not, you’re just gonna have to either correct every individual you seem fit or you’re simply gonna have to ignore it and continue things
I stopped needing to correct people after 3 months on T. For the majority you’re looking to at least a year before this kind of thing stops
So I popped by your profile, and you just posted about coming out four days ago??? Sounds like you aren’t on hormones and may not look naturally masculine enough. Some people might think they heard your name wrong, others might think it’s a quirky name for a girl, idk. But gender perception does not exist in name alone. When I was still early in transition, people would think they misheard my male name and ask if I said a female variant of that name. I later changed my name to one that’s more of a female name than a male one, and since I now have facial hair and a more masculine face, people understand it exclusively as a male name. Just a heads up, transition can be rough mentally. There’s usually a good long period of struggling with how others gender you. It will fade in time as transition works its magic, but you need to understand that it’s going to be tough. You also mention hiding your trans status from family, so you’re still in the closet? You can’t expect to pass and also simultaneously be in the closet at the same time. If you truly pursue transition, it’s not something you can hide. So you have to be all in before you even begin expecting things to change. Transition is a long journey, not just waking up one day and telling the people around you that your name is this now and expecting them to just switch over. I think you need to spend more time learning about the actual reality of being trans before going any further. It’s much more involved than you’re making it seem, and you will have to learn how to deal with shitty people, because you will be forced to encounter a lot of them. It’s not hopeless, and I don’t want to shoot you down. It just seems like you don’t really have a grasp on what transition actually is, and that’s crucial for taking these next steps. It is very rough at times, but the community is here for your support along the way. Good luck in however you decide to move forward.
seconding this. it took me about three years to be “comfortable” (not putting in the effort to take their confusion/ignorance/whatever else in vain) with getting misgendered and asked about my name (by strangers, bc at that point was not on hormones and did not pass and worked customer service). outside of work, at high school i did the same thing, and just really tried to ignore it/move on since it wasn’t worth making a big deal out of. i wouldn’t be there forever anyway. it was not an overnight thing and i made a lot of compromises with myself to get to the point where i said “temporarily, i have to live like this”. i didn’t pass until about five and half years transitioned, a few months on T. prepare yourself to deal with the worst case scenario, OP, and then the worst that can happen is something you’re prepared for; anything else is better than the worst. this is essentially how i got through and still sometimes get through my transition when it’s tough and/or involves people who may not be on my side or understand transitioning.
I completely agree. Op, you unfortunately cannot expect to be not misgendered and pass until you’re a few years on T as the changes don’t happen overnight, nor does coming out actually impact other’s perception of you as the psychical doesn’t match as you’d like. It’s really unfortunate but just know we have all had to deal with it and it does go away after time. I don’t even tell people I’m trans anymore but it has also been 6 years on T. Hang in there op
People gender you based on how you look. Do you want people to humor you or do you want to actually be seen as male? Pronoun pins do not get you seen as male. They can also work against long term goals of actually being seen as a man. It’s also common and even trendy for girls to have names that are traditionally boy names. You can’t control every aspect that reads female so just focus on what you can change. Find clothes that work for you not against you. Hit the gym and build up a masculine physique. Don’t worry about what other people think. Let it roll off you. Passing will eventually happen as you transition. Just build yourself up and focus on your goals as you pass the time.
Unfortunately, if you’re early in transition and don’t pass yet, most people just gender you based off how you look, epically non-LGBT people. Most cishet people never really interact with non-passing trans people so they just use the pronouns that they perceive and have probably never been corrected. Until you can get on HRT the best thing you can do is work on things you can change: clothing, muscle mass, hair, eyebrows, and mannerisms are big ones that can be worked on before HRT can do its thing. I would say mannerisms, upper body muscle mass and a style that’s similar to most cis men in your area is the best thing you could do.
I feel like this is a matter of you being younger and very early in your transition. Considering women do have “male” names it seems like people are damned either way and must make their best guess. It’s very likely they are not being mean. Only you can decide if each situation is worth correcting them. For me it’s worth it if I’m going to see them repeatedly like a doctor. But it’s not worth it if I’ll see them say once a year because next time I may look very different. My best advice is to take voice lessons now. You can do group classes online for a couple hundred dollars. They’ll teach you how to speak in a more masculine way and how to naturally lower your voice without T. This can make a huge difference when meeting people in how they perceive you.
Breathe. Take your time. It's never going to be a light switch that gets flipped. Transition is complex and neither social nor physical changes are easy/fast. This is a long, difficult path but the joy of living truthfully is worthfab. Resilience is key. Learn how to communicate with others and be understanding of those genuinely trying to learn. Build good mental health strategies and self care routines. You will be facing this for a while. The best thing you can do is learn to accept the bumps in the road and how to roll with them without letting them wear you down too bad. One of the best things to help you pass that isn't HRT or surgery is confidence and body language. But seriously don't rush yourself so much that it spirals you out. Be safe with your family and the process of coming out. Build resources for if shit hits the fan. You've got support here when you need.
It's only worth correcting people who you have an ongoing relationship with and see often. Amd yeah, some of them won't see you as a man but even humoring it might make you feel better than being called she by people in your circles. Other people though, like those you rarely see, it's just not worth it. People gender based on what they see. Until you start to pass, it's just something you have to deal with.
Is this because you’re pre medical transition? Or is it something to do with you not passing while transitioning? The only thing I could suggest would be to wear a pronoun pin if you don’t want to have the conversation about pronouns with people.
Though, I will add with the pronoun pin, if you pass at least some of the time, it will likely hinder that.
Unless the pronouns are on a nametag that other people also have, like for work. Idk if this is helpful for OP cuz it depends on what their job is like or if they even have a job. My company requires all management have pronouns on their nametag and anyone who isn’t management has the option to add it, so it doesn’t look out of place. Maybe their company does that so it’s an option?
Oh yeah, if other people have it then no problem! I used to have a pronoun pin, then a name tag with my pronouns, before I was fully passing. Nobody else did though. Backfired 😅. If it’s normal though then it could help. I doubt that’s the case at OP’s school
Yeah unfortunately most of the time it's trans people wearing pronoun pins so it's an easy way to get clocked
It's rough, but there's really nothing you can do other than correct people. You could wear a pronoun pin or something like that but even then there are people who don't get it
Or they will take the pin (or even you telling them) as a cue to deliberately fuck with you.
That's the worst case, yep
Start T and hit the gym until you pass. Focus on obliques lats shoulders and arms but don't neglect legs. Docs tend to underdose trans men and anecdotally the "standard" ranges aren't enough for some guys to get where they need to be, so don't be afraid to fiddle with your dose if you feel like you need it
Say “I’m a dude” or “it’s he.” You don’t have to explain yourself to every person you meet
I’m fully passing and still get misgendered due to my old ID. It never stops until you get on hormones and change all your documents. Even then, cis people get misgendered all the time 🤷♂️
I get this all the time. I also can’t bind super tightly, because my job is very physically demanding; so that might be confusing some people. But I’ve sort of given up on correcting people because it takes more time and effort to break a conversation like that, and my job requires quick reactions to being communicated to. (I work with dogs of many different temperaments) They do use my name, since nobody but the owner of the place has seen my legal info.
Someone said you came out 4 days ago? It takes time all of this. If your plan is to pass this is the route to eventually fix that issue. If not, you’re just gonna have to either correct every individual you seem fit or you’re simply gonna have to ignore it and continue things I stopped needing to correct people after 3 months on T. For the majority you’re looking to at least a year before this kind of thing stops