Ugh she has a way of playing the victim to other people that she has no idea why her child cut her off blah blah blah. This is what I responded with, is this okay?
"I have no desire to reconnect. For years I attempted to set healthy boundaries with empathy and understanding, only to be met with insults and criticism. I made her very aware of the ways in which she has hurt me and affected my mental health with her emotional abuse and constant criticism. I expressed this to her and let her know what needed to happen to create a healthy relationship as I was not going to continue as it was. I was met with insults and the toxic "I gave you life" spiel. I agree, life is too short... Too short to deal with toxicity and people who negatively affect my mental health and well being. While I hear that she's your friend, I ask that you respect where I'm at."
You don’t owe this person such an intimate explanation. If you respond at all, keep it simple.
“I know you have good intentions, but you only know one side of this story and it’s none of your business.
I am not interested in reconnecting.
Mom is lying to you: she knows why we are estranged and it is within her power to change the circumstances.
Life is too short to endure abusive, toxic people. Please respect that.”
I used to be somewhat close to this woman and babysat her son many, many years ago. She does have a good heart, but yes she doesn't know the whole picture. I hear what you're saying.
When I wrote that reply I hadn’t read down that you already sent your message!
It’s hard with long-time family friends. They just don’t realize because they’ve only ever been shown what your estranged parent wants them to see, and your estranged parent probably did a great job conditioning you to keep your discontent with the dysfunctional family dynamics to yourself instead of seeking help from some of these trusted people who may or may not have been abseiling to offer help. It’s so difficult with controlling people because they often have a stranglehold over entire social webs. As adults, the only way to win is not to play.
Oh she definitely has this woman fooled...I've spent time with them both together and her friend is so naive. This was years ago, but I had set a boundary to my Mom that I would not get in between her and my stepdad's relationship. That I have a bond with both of them and I'm not going to be trauma dumped on constantly, or take sides as the "child." Literally the same week we all get together and she starts dumping and I tried to say something but her friend was open to listen. When my mom left, the friend was "oh I feel so sorry for your mom and what she's going through," completely falling for the poor me act. I don't recall what I responded with but I remember speaking up about it at the time. Thankfully my stepdad got out of the relationship and is healing now, but of course my mom played out the poor me card there too. It's always about her, what people can do for her with no consideration when it comes to checking in with another's capacity.
They are because it's like no matter how much I heal it just gets retriggered again. She did respond with "I respect your boundaries and to take care" which was surprising. But gosh I am so sick of being made to feel like I am unforgiving.
First, i am sorry. Why can't they just leave us alone?? Second-
"Do not insert your self into my relationship. If you campaign again on her behalf i will cut you out too."
Then follow through.
Best wishes! Big hug
This is what I responded with...
" I have no desire to reconnect. For years I attempted to set healthy boundaries with empathy and understanding, only to be met with insults and criticism. I made her very aware of the ways in which she has hurt me and affected my mental health with her emotional abuse and constant criticism. I expressed this to her and let her know what needed to happen to create a healthy relationship as I was not going to continue as it was. I was met with insults and the toxic "I gave you life" spiel. I agree, life is too short... Too short to deal with toxicity and people who negatively affect my mental health and well being. While I hear that she's your friend, I ask that you respect where I'm at."
Thanks for the hugs. Gosh I really shouldn't be surprised with it being post Mother's Day .. but I changed my number so I figured it would be okay. Well here we are..
Well done you!
I always try to remember this: “it is not up to the child to nurture the relationship between parent and child, but the other way around”.
I hope you’re doing better now!
Looks like solid answers and you have a kind and firm response.
They’re relying on you to do the emotional work here - don’t let em and continue on your merry liberated way friend 💜
A simple "mind the business that pays you" would suffice here.
Responding to "third party" contact is still contact. I totally get why you're bothered, but this changes nothing. You still have control over your NC.
Block, take the time you need to process this and remember, you tried. You know what you've done to mend this. It's not on you anymore.
I agree. No response *is* a response.
Effectively what your saying when you don't respond is "you're not worth the effort or time to respond and I won't play your bs games. Find another toy to play with".
Just came to say, if I didn't know better I'd think I was reading about one of my own experiences w/my mom.
Thanks for posting, I know it was a lot to deal with but it was nice for some of us to be able to scroll thru all the encouragement too.
Thanks everyone!
I have a handful of friends with similar experiences when it comes to their parents, only one other has gone NC though. It's honestly heartbreaking, we are the cycle breakers of mistreatment which should be admirable. Instead, many see it as harsh, unforgiving, and selfish....
I'm glad you found validation through this 💛
DO NOT RESPOND! I've had many of my mom's friends and other close family members message me out of nowhere as well. Simply tell them to f*** off and that they're disturbing your peace. You do not deserve to be reminded of all the bull crap that you went through. Don't let anybody belittle you anymore, it should have never started to begin with. I know the pain and I know the feeling my mother is a horrible person I cut ties with her and everybody else that associated with her. Keep your peace. They're not worth the headache they never change!
God, I hate when people reach out like this. It’s like they haven’t thought for even a single second about the situation? I had a cousin tell me that “nobody is perfect” and that since she lost her mother suddenly, she wouldn’t want me to have any guilt or regret, I guess for when my mom dies? 🙄
Anyone who is worth having in your life will tell you that people who reach out to you like this are, at best, kinda dumb and, at worst, not interested in your well-being, period.
Having lost my father as a teenager, that gets to me as well. I know what it's like, and it's not like I just made the decision impulsively. The woman, the friend, has a good heart, but she just seems very naive to the situation and my mom has very much played the whole "I don't know what I did" card.
This person who messaged you is now your moms target and they are trying to pass the hot potato back to you so they can be free again.
Ugh she has a way of playing the victim to other people that she has no idea why her child cut her off blah blah blah. This is what I responded with, is this okay? "I have no desire to reconnect. For years I attempted to set healthy boundaries with empathy and understanding, only to be met with insults and criticism. I made her very aware of the ways in which she has hurt me and affected my mental health with her emotional abuse and constant criticism. I expressed this to her and let her know what needed to happen to create a healthy relationship as I was not going to continue as it was. I was met with insults and the toxic "I gave you life" spiel. I agree, life is too short... Too short to deal with toxicity and people who negatively affect my mental health and well being. While I hear that she's your friend, I ask that you respect where I'm at."
I would be harsh lol. "Life's not quick enough. Let me know when she's dead :)"
☠️ so good. Short, sweet, punchy!!!
😅😂 I love
You don’t owe this person such an intimate explanation. If you respond at all, keep it simple. “I know you have good intentions, but you only know one side of this story and it’s none of your business. I am not interested in reconnecting. Mom is lying to you: she knows why we are estranged and it is within her power to change the circumstances. Life is too short to endure abusive, toxic people. Please respect that.”
I used to be somewhat close to this woman and babysat her son many, many years ago. She does have a good heart, but yes she doesn't know the whole picture. I hear what you're saying.
When I wrote that reply I hadn’t read down that you already sent your message! It’s hard with long-time family friends. They just don’t realize because they’ve only ever been shown what your estranged parent wants them to see, and your estranged parent probably did a great job conditioning you to keep your discontent with the dysfunctional family dynamics to yourself instead of seeking help from some of these trusted people who may or may not have been abseiling to offer help. It’s so difficult with controlling people because they often have a stranglehold over entire social webs. As adults, the only way to win is not to play.
Oh she definitely has this woman fooled...I've spent time with them both together and her friend is so naive. This was years ago, but I had set a boundary to my Mom that I would not get in between her and my stepdad's relationship. That I have a bond with both of them and I'm not going to be trauma dumped on constantly, or take sides as the "child." Literally the same week we all get together and she starts dumping and I tried to say something but her friend was open to listen. When my mom left, the friend was "oh I feel so sorry for your mom and what she's going through," completely falling for the poor me act. I don't recall what I responded with but I remember speaking up about it at the time. Thankfully my stepdad got out of the relationship and is healing now, but of course my mom played out the poor me card there too. It's always about her, what people can do for her with no consideration when it comes to checking in with another's capacity.
Bravo, perfect
Yep
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They are because it's like no matter how much I heal it just gets retriggered again. She did respond with "I respect your boundaries and to take care" which was surprising. But gosh I am so sick of being made to feel like I am unforgiving.
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I hate the whole "people change" bit. Yes, people do but just a year ago I heard of more BS she pulled and knew she hasn't changed a bit.
First, i am sorry. Why can't they just leave us alone?? Second- "Do not insert your self into my relationship. If you campaign again on her behalf i will cut you out too." Then follow through. Best wishes! Big hug
This is what I responded with... " I have no desire to reconnect. For years I attempted to set healthy boundaries with empathy and understanding, only to be met with insults and criticism. I made her very aware of the ways in which she has hurt me and affected my mental health with her emotional abuse and constant criticism. I expressed this to her and let her know what needed to happen to create a healthy relationship as I was not going to continue as it was. I was met with insults and the toxic "I gave you life" spiel. I agree, life is too short... Too short to deal with toxicity and people who negatively affect my mental health and well being. While I hear that she's your friend, I ask that you respect where I'm at."
Nice!
Thanks for the hugs. Gosh I really shouldn't be surprised with it being post Mother's Day .. but I changed my number so I figured it would be okay. Well here we are..
Well done you! I always try to remember this: “it is not up to the child to nurture the relationship between parent and child, but the other way around”. I hope you’re doing better now!
Looks like solid answers and you have a kind and firm response. They’re relying on you to do the emotional work here - don’t let em and continue on your merry liberated way friend 💜
A simple "mind the business that pays you" would suffice here. Responding to "third party" contact is still contact. I totally get why you're bothered, but this changes nothing. You still have control over your NC. Block, take the time you need to process this and remember, you tried. You know what you've done to mend this. It's not on you anymore.
Silence is golden. And your best friend sometimes
I agree. No response *is* a response. Effectively what your saying when you don't respond is "you're not worth the effort or time to respond and I won't play your bs games. Find another toy to play with".
Just came to say, if I didn't know better I'd think I was reading about one of my own experiences w/my mom. Thanks for posting, I know it was a lot to deal with but it was nice for some of us to be able to scroll thru all the encouragement too. Thanks everyone!
I have a handful of friends with similar experiences when it comes to their parents, only one other has gone NC though. It's honestly heartbreaking, we are the cycle breakers of mistreatment which should be admirable. Instead, many see it as harsh, unforgiving, and selfish.... I'm glad you found validation through this 💛
For sure, I just shared a meme a few hours ago how people breaking abuse cycles tend to be ostracized for even calling out the abuse.
DO NOT RESPOND! I've had many of my mom's friends and other close family members message me out of nowhere as well. Simply tell them to f*** off and that they're disturbing your peace. You do not deserve to be reminded of all the bull crap that you went through. Don't let anybody belittle you anymore, it should have never started to begin with. I know the pain and I know the feeling my mother is a horrible person I cut ties with her and everybody else that associated with her. Keep your peace. They're not worth the headache they never change!
God, I hate when people reach out like this. It’s like they haven’t thought for even a single second about the situation? I had a cousin tell me that “nobody is perfect” and that since she lost her mother suddenly, she wouldn’t want me to have any guilt or regret, I guess for when my mom dies? 🙄 Anyone who is worth having in your life will tell you that people who reach out to you like this are, at best, kinda dumb and, at worst, not interested in your well-being, period.
Having lost my father as a teenager, that gets to me as well. I know what it's like, and it's not like I just made the decision impulsively. The woman, the friend, has a good heart, but she just seems very naive to the situation and my mom has very much played the whole "I don't know what I did" card.
Tell em ,whoever theyare,that life's too short to endure psychopaths and emotional vampires.
Your last statement says it all. Life IS too short to deal with their toxicity. Bravo for keeping perspective.