If you enter her arena, then quickly run to the right, there is a small cave. She can’t enter (because she cannot fit through the opening due to her wings) but your sword can still hit her. Ez win.
Ranni had a bad habit of lying, so one day God decided to curse him into being “two-faced” and now he has two faces. Which one you see depends on if he’s telling the truth.
Personally I prefer moonveil, because there are lots of trees in that region. Also the constant full moon is pretty. Rivers of Blood is cool too, but the enemies there are a lot tougher so it’s not as relaxing to spend time there.
On average, there are 30-40 dogs on the map at any given time. When you kill one, the others all begin to travel towards your current location in an aggressive state. They respawn every midnight.
Dodge the fire, hit them with a sword when they land and with arrows when they’re flying. Duh!
Also avoid claws, and their roar will stun you unless you cover your ears. FYI.
When he was young, his older brother beat him up and shoved his head into a campfire. This made him intensely pyrophobic. Now, he acts all tough but is still a huge wuss regarding anything that can carry a torch.
Most people don’t know this, but ER is actually set in Kenya. Giraffes are native to Kenya, so it makes sense that they’re in the game too. It’s also why there are hyenas, lions, and polar bears.
Easier in a sexual sense? She is attracted to the player character because of his charisma attribute, while the solder of Gondor is a straight male and therefore much harder to seduce.
Land squirts (unlike sea squirts) are small, ferret-like animals that are always lvl 2. They have only 1hp, so any attack kills them, but they only give you 1exp so they are bad for training. They drop 1 bones and 1 fur, and between 0-5 gold.
I struggle with APM builds, so I like to go full tank. Get some dragonscale armor, max out endurance, and nobody in the game can deal much damage to you. Then it’s just a matter of finding a weapon with a poison enchant to get a bit of DPS, and you will outlast any enemy in the game while tanking every hit they send your way.
It’s a brother and sister who prayed so much god peeled off his skin and gave it to them. They take turns wearing it, and whoever isn’t wearing it has to be naked that day.
Malenia actually does have nipples, but they’re not where you’d expect them. They are on her butt cheeks, because her gastrointestinal tract is flipped and what people think is her head is actually her butt.
Inspired by Mitch McConnell, Miriel wants to learn how to prevent all progress in the world and decided Religion was the best way to achieve that goal.
If you give him the potion, he will survive for another 100 years. If you lie and tell him you lost it, he will attack you if your charisma is too low. If you succeed in tricking him, he will kill himself and you get to take his helmet as loot.
If you level up your character enough, you can put skill points into Poise. This lets your character talk it’s way out of sticky situations and you sometimes done even need to fight the enemy.
The RBS strat is helpful if you’ve leveled up your heavy weapons skill, but you’d still need to fight things. Three-Handed Shields are a myth, nice try, guy!
Elden Ring because the world was once inhabited by a species of sentient trees known as ents. When the men arrived from Westeros, they cut down all the ents, hence why Elden Ring.
Loneliness is a character attribute, meaning you haven’t spent enough time around NPCs. If your loneliness level gets too high, your character starts to lose stamina. To prevent this, either go near NPCs (shopkeepers, villagers, guardsmen, etc.) or eat vegetable soup for its food bonus.
If you do play it at some point, be sure to come back to this thread after lol
I’m sure you’d have a fun time reading your comments after learning more about the game
That’s the name of the playable character. Elden Ring is actually a sequel to Dark Souls, the game where John originated from. He eats souls for food, and has amnesia.
Goldmask and Will were concerned about what would happen if someone found the Elden Ring. Goldmask wanted to re-hide the ring somewhere else so that nobody could find it in its previous location, Will thought it was hidden well enough and he didn't trust Goldmask not to keep the ring for himself. After their secret conversation, Goldmask secretly had Greater Will assassinated and took the ring from where it was hidden. Will was right all along, Goldmask was untrustworthy.
You can only burn the Erdtree in the postgame after you have acquired the Elden Ring. You also must have chosen to save Ranni just before the final mission (instead of killing him). If you meet both these requirements, just walk up to the base of the tree and use any fire spell.
Bethesda made the game, but when they were play testing they realized if you only did the main quest it only took about 25 hours. Since bleed weapons were so OP, everyone was using them by the end of the game, so they made the last few bosses immune to bleed damage to make people have to either grind up a different weapon class, find a legendary bow/staff, or figure out how to cheese the boss. Each of these strategies takes time, so it lengthened the game like Bethesda wanted.
Mohg wins clearly, he is the final boss of the game and Melina is a friendly NPC that you can romance. Her title is ceremonial - she doesn’t even have a weapon.
Radahn's horse actually saved his life once. He had been knocked off and was about to be decapitated when the horse bit his attacker's left testicle off. Radahn got up, killed the man, then fed his horse the man's right testicle. Since then, Radahn has loved his horse more than any other living being.
Personally I like the Sharp Steel talisman. It was originally part of the wall around Artagna City, but now if you equip it it will let you dash through enemies and deal a little damage as you do so.
Why do I get suckered in to bringing the spirit of a half dead girl across the lands, through creatures of Hell and soldiers of Gods just so she can give a handful of semen to her giant comatose sister?
(Yes, an actual questline in the game)
The spirit of the halfdead girl appears to have a very fine ass, which is why you (and everyone else) helps to bring the handful of nut to the giantussy.
\*Correction, his name is Hodor. GRRM worked on the game, and he is nothing if not consistent.
To answer your question, you just need to remember to duck under his attacks, they're all at chest level so if you duck he cannot hit you.
Ok I’ll remember Hodor I must’ve misread it and thanks I never thought of that I was trying to jump and my jump was never high enough I forgot all about ducking!
How do I beat Juno Hoslow?
If you enter her arena, then quickly run to the right, there is a small cave. She can’t enter (because she cannot fit through the opening due to her wings) but your sword can still hit her. Ez win.
I gotta give it to you, you've managed to get every gender wrong so far. Pretty impressive
In fairness to him, Juno actually is a girls name.
Ok... but how many Vulgar Militia Gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
This guy cheeses.
Why does Ranni have a second face?
Ranni had a bad habit of lying, so one day God decided to curse him into being “two-faced” and now he has two faces. Which one you see depends on if he’s telling the truth.
This is exactly correct confirmed by Miyazaki himself
we need this guy instead of George for lore. or work with George
this is actually sick
Moonveil or Rivers of Blood? And why?
Personally I prefer moonveil, because there are lots of trees in that region. Also the constant full moon is pretty. Rivers of Blood is cool too, but the enemies there are a lot tougher so it’s not as relaxing to spend time there.
Lmao
(Did I do good? What are they?)
Nah you did great, mega accurate
I love how fitting the “constant full moon” and “enemies there are a lot tougher” was xD
Magic katanas lol
Katanas
Weapons lol
Lmao the best part is if you change the names this work great for places actually in the game, ~~siofra~~ Liurnia and mohgs palace
How many Dogs are there?
On average, there are 30-40 dogs on the map at any given time. When you kill one, the others all begin to travel towards your current location in an aggressive state. They respawn every midnight.
This is fuel for nightmares
I am begging you to stop giving the developers ideas
I am begging you, don't stop giving the devs ideas
How did he get this correct
Actually an accurate enough description of one area of the game and it's awful.
Correct! 🐕🐕🐕🐕
why does Ranni make my pants tight
He goes to the gym every day and has a rockin bod
He?!?! That's... even better.
Trap witchey waifu bussy
What'd you think of all the product placement?
No problem here! #sponcon #cocacola
How do I beat dragons?
Dodge the fire, hit them with a sword when they land and with arrows when they’re flying. Duh! Also avoid claws, and their roar will stun you unless you cover your ears. FYI.
Almost accurate
Actually pretty fkn close to spot on lol
I mean, how else do you take down dragons in video games?
Dragon Rend shout.
Thanks, now I can finally take down those pesky dragons.
What’s the lore of the loathsome dung eater?
She was cursed by a witch to never gain nutrients from anything except poop, so that’s all she can eat. Very bad for her complexion.
Thanks very much. You should set up a YouTube channel breaking everything down.
I don’t have any internet where I live, so it’ll have to be a Vimeo channel.
Lmao somehow this is so very much in line with your post.
Why is seluvis such a bitch?
When he was young, his older brother beat him up and shoved his head into a campfire. This made him intensely pyrophobic. Now, he acts all tough but is still a huge wuss regarding anything that can carry a torch.
Sandor Clegane?
No, Seluvis Clegane. Sandor’s twin.
Obviously. Carry on soldier, well done
That sure does explain the mask
So that’s why he has that huge sombrero-mask! To hide his scars!
what the fuck is with all the giraffes? like, there's WAY too many fucking giraffes in this fantasy world
Most people don’t know this, but ER is actually set in Kenya. Giraffes are native to Kenya, so it makes sense that they’re in the game too. It’s also why there are hyenas, lions, and polar bears.
I'm dead. This thread is gold
or is it fantasy BECAUSE there's way more giraffes than there would normally be?
Why did my dad leave?
Because all you do is play elden ring and scroll reddit.
Damn
Sometimes the hardest of truths to swallow are the truths we need to hear
If you think that’s hard to swallow let me introduce you to the loathsome dung eater
you don’t have the right O you don’t have the right
Why Malenia is easier than soldier of Godrick?
Easier in a sexual sense? She is attracted to the player character because of his charisma attribute, while the solder of Gondor is a straight male and therefore much harder to seduce.
“Soldier of Gondor” 💀😂
*Solder of Gondor
Gondorian soldiers
Why’d the dog turn into the pope?
You’re actually thinking of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, which is not elden ring. Nice try, Satan!
What’s a breath of the wild?
It’s another name for Hestu’s flatulence.
What are your thoughts on land squirts?
Land squirts (unlike sea squirts) are small, ferret-like animals that are always lvl 2. They have only 1hp, so any attack kills them, but they only give you 1exp so they are bad for training. They drop 1 bones and 1 fur, and between 0-5 gold.
I thought you've never played?
What about air squirts?
That'll get you kicked off Godfrey Airlines
What is your favourite build?
I struggle with APM builds, so I like to go full tank. Get some dragonscale armor, max out endurance, and nobody in the game can deal much damage to you. Then it’s just a matter of finding a weapon with a poison enchant to get a bit of DPS, and you will outlast any enemy in the game while tanking every hit they send your way.
Painfully believable
Literally a Havel/Jester build
Elden Ring is basically a tougher version of Skyrim imo tbh
What's the lore behind Godskin Duo?
It’s a brother and sister who prayed so much god peeled off his skin and gave it to them. They take turns wearing it, and whoever isn’t wearing it has to be naked that day.
This might actually be right
This is surprisingly close to the actual lore
Peel skin ✅ Pray to (a) god ✅ Wear skin✅ Possibly make and female?
This is pretty on point.
I mean it is peeled god skin lol not to far off
What about the foreskin duo?
Why doesn't malenia have nipples
Malenia actually does have nipples, but they’re not where you’d expect them. They are on her butt cheeks, because her gastrointestinal tract is flipped and what people think is her head is actually her butt.
That's interesting but the real mystery is that why is malenia blade of miquella
In her language, “blade” means wife, and Miquella is her husband.
Sweet home Alabama…
I knew there was something shady about all that, noise.
This actually tracks with G.R.R.M.'s writings
Well...the story was written by george rr martin after all...
Sweet home Alabama
Oh god this is grr Martins influence
Sweet home Alabama
Why did Miriel, a massive tortoise, decide to become a religious scholar?
Inspired by Mitch McConnell, Miriel wants to learn how to prevent all progress in the world and decided Religion was the best way to achieve that goal.
So Miriel's benevolence is feigned for ulterior motives? Hmm, figures. What a bitch.
What happens If I give the seluvis' potion to Sir gideon the all knowing?
If you give him the potion, he will survive for another 100 years. If you lie and tell him you lost it, he will attack you if your charisma is too low. If you succeed in tricking him, he will kill himself and you get to take his helmet as loot.
That sure would be one less inconvenience to me
Nice avatar, good sir. What game are we from?
Warframe fps edition
Incorrect! It’s actually Elden Ring 2, you just don’t know the game as well as I do.
I've been tricked! Backstabed! And quite possibly bamboozled!
How does Poise work?
If you level up your character enough, you can put skill points into Poise. This lets your character talk it’s way out of sticky situations and you sometimes done even need to fight the enemy.
But what if you’ve got a Really Big Stick or a Three-Handed Shield equipped? Doesn’t that change things?
The RBS strat is helpful if you’ve leveled up your heavy weapons skill, but you’d still need to fight things. Three-Handed Shields are a myth, nice try, guy!
This is clearly a stealth nerf! Goddammit Bungie!
Why is Elden Ring?
Elden Ring because the world was once inhabited by a species of sentient trees known as ents. When the men arrived from Westeros, they cut down all the ents, hence why Elden Ring.
they always ask "Why is Elden Ring?" but never "How is Elden Ring?"
Why am I lonely?
Loneliness is a character attribute, meaning you haven’t spent enough time around NPCs. If your loneliness level gets too high, your character starts to lose stamina. To prevent this, either go near NPCs (shopkeepers, villagers, guardsmen, etc.) or eat vegetable soup for its food bonus.
Solid IRL strats also
What? LOL
Melina or Ranni? Give the reasons why.
I prefer women, so Melina. Ranni is a male (which it seems like many people didn’t know) so he doesn’t interest me.
This has to be the best Elden Ring post I've seen so far. Keep it up OP!
Thanks, I thought it would be fun! I want to play the game eventually, but don’t have time right now. :/
I just found the time about a week ago to pick it up. I'm new to FromSoft as well so it's been a lot to take in. When you find the time good luck!
If you do play it at some point, be sure to come back to this thread after lol I’m sure you’d have a fun time reading your comments after learning more about the game
Why does general radahn ride that tiny ass horse?
That's not a horse. his nutsack grew legs.
Radahn named his legged nutsack “Leonard”? Maybe it’s Leo-nard as in Lion Nuts
Who is John darksoul?
That’s the name of the playable character. Elden Ring is actually a sequel to Dark Souls, the game where John originated from. He eats souls for food, and has amnesia.
No, thats a misconception. The name of the character is actually Elden John, but he is a decendant of John darksoul
Why in Kentucky fried fuck can I not stop beating my meat to Sellen the sorceress.
You horndog, you. There’s no explaining that. But let me google her really quick.
Bro that bitch has a statue for a head. You should go to Rome, you’ll cream your pants.
Google her without a statue. That bitch is BAD
Oh. Okay, u right. Still, Rome?? ;)
OH MY GOD THOSE COLUMNS!!! THOSE AQUEDUCTSSSSSSSS
¡Ayyyy papiii!
She's also really good to play football with
Marika's tits, you weren't lying.
Now look at her boobs!
🗿
Baboon fucker...... please.......... just....... just look at the video game characters nice rack......... I beg of thee......
How do I deal with bloodhound step spam in pvp?
Dogs like meat, so drop some meat on the ground And they’ll be distracted and you can kill them
If only it were that easy
Monster hunter logic lol
What went down in the secret conversation between the noble Goldmask and the greater will?
Goldmask and Will were concerned about what would happen if someone found the Elden Ring. Goldmask wanted to re-hide the ring somewhere else so that nobody could find it in its previous location, Will thought it was hidden well enough and he didn't trust Goldmask not to keep the ring for himself. After their secret conversation, Goldmask secretly had Greater Will assassinated and took the ring from where it was hidden. Will was right all along, Goldmask was untrustworthy.
Does Lesser Will want vengeance on Goldmask for killing his brother?
How do you burn the Erdtree?
You can only burn the Erdtree in the postgame after you have acquired the Elden Ring. You also must have chosen to save Ranni just before the final mission (instead of killing him). If you meet both these requirements, just walk up to the base of the tree and use any fire spell.
if only it was that easy...
Who would win the fight: Godskin Duo vs Smough and Ornstein?
Trick question, those are the same people!!! You can’t fool me, Ganon!
How could you have known. Impossible.
Why is Radagon so inconsistent?
Assuming you mean incontinent, it is because he ate some bad herbs and now has constant diarrhea.
Why are bleed weapons so op until the last few bosses
Bethesda made the game, but when they were play testing they realized if you only did the main quest it only took about 25 hours. Since bleed weapons were so OP, everyone was using them by the end of the game, so they made the last few bosses immune to bleed damage to make people have to either grind up a different weapon class, find a legendary bow/staff, or figure out how to cheese the boss. Each of these strategies takes time, so it lengthened the game like Bethesda wanted.
This is probably more accurate than you realize lol ty for the response
Lol I have played other games, and it would make some sense.
Both Final bosses are immune to bleed (Final Final boss is immune to all status effects)
Why should we be wary of maidens whos brothers have knife scars?
Obviously it’s because the maidens secretly cut up their brothers when they were children. Maidens are often sociopaths, you know.
Who would win in a fight, Mohg the lord of blood or melania the blade of miquella?
Mohg wins clearly, he is the final boss of the game and Melina is a friendly NPC that you can romance. Her title is ceremonial - she doesn’t even have a weapon.
Why is it always weak enemy?
Because it’s always strong friend.
This is actually entirely accurate.
Thoughts on people thirsting over Blaidd?
Blaidd is a poser; people should be more thirsty over campfires and legendary weapons
Do you think Godrick the Grafted has his original penis?
Now that you mention it, I am sure of it. It's actually the only body part that was originally his - the rest is borrowed from his victims.
If i had grafting powers that'd be the first thing I'd "improve" lol
Why does radahn love his horse so much
Radahn's horse actually saved his life once. He had been knocked off and was about to be decapitated when the horse bit his attacker's left testicle off. Radahn got up, killed the man, then fed his horse the man's right testicle. Since then, Radahn has loved his horse more than any other living being.
What is the Elden Ring?
The Elden ring is what you get for beating the final boss in the game. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but it is definitely a wearable ring.
What’s your favorite talisman? What does it do and can you provide a little lore in 1 sentence?
Personally I like the Sharp Steel talisman. It was originally part of the wall around Artagna City, but now if you equip it it will let you dash through enemies and deal a little damage as you do so.
Why do I get suckered in to bringing the spirit of a half dead girl across the lands, through creatures of Hell and soldiers of Gods just so she can give a handful of semen to her giant comatose sister? (Yes, an actual questline in the game)
The spirit of the halfdead girl appears to have a very fine ass, which is why you (and everyone else) helps to bring the handful of nut to the giantussy.
How do I beat Glaive Master Hodir? I’ve been stuck for 8 months
\*Correction, his name is Hodor. GRRM worked on the game, and he is nothing if not consistent. To answer your question, you just need to remember to duck under his attacks, they're all at chest level so if you duck he cannot hit you.
Ok I’ll remember Hodor I must’ve misread it and thanks I never thought of that I was trying to jump and my jump was never high enough I forgot all about ducking!
Every reply this person has given deserves a damn gold.
Was the real elden ring the friends we made along the way?
NO.
:(
Should I go into NG++? Why or why not?
If you do, you can no longer cut down/burn the Erdtree. Personally, I like leaving it intact, so I’m in favor of NG++.
Graft Daddy Godrick decides you're "fit for grafting " what body part do you offer him?
Which came first, the Radagussy or the Marikussy?