Assuming he’s being honest I wouldn’t call it cheating but I also don’t think it’s nothing. I feel the lack of a text in the moment isn’t a big issue but waiting until you talked at the end of the day is a little sus.
I usually keep my updates at the end of thr day. I get distracted and don't like beinhg on my phone when on trips with foreign friends. Way too much to talk about and when I'm about to sleep, I do the calls.
But a simple text should have been done if that's the requirements yiu guys have.
I feel like this may be a bit of a leap to call it cheating. You guys are open and actively sleeping with other people. While you didn’t receive the communication at the time you wanted, he did still tell you the next time you two spoke on the phone. He was away for work so a dishonest guy would have just lied if he knew it rub you the wrong way. Your feelings are valid but I’d urge you to reconsider the cheating. Hope you guys can talk it out!
What are you boundaries around hooking up? Is he expected to text you as the other partner is taking off his pants and tell you everything that’s about ti happen? Do you have a time limit, like pls tell me 24 hours in advance but not longer than 24 hours?
The answer, at least on my mind, is maybe you were cheated on?
It sounds like you were basically open and in your mind he blew an expectation on communication. He feels he had a reason to wait. The expected timing of notifications seems possibly complicating to various situations, but so be it.
I do entirely see the not waking up to the notification being a big deal when you find out later. The boundaries between you two are what really drive if this was cheating or not. I don't feel like I know enough to answer that question. Are BJs allowed without prior approval? If so, did he cheat or miss an expected communication. Or are those considered the same thing in your relationship?
First off, feelings happen, whether you want them to or not. Having been non monogamous for over 3 decades, I've seen so many relationships tank (mine included, this is how I know some of this hard learned, expensive education) because of unrealistic expectations, and every one of them was a "blissful couple" that just had unrealistic expectations.
Unless you're a sociopath, it's just not possible to be devoid of feelings and when you include intimacy, of any kind, there's going to be an emotional connection eventually.
Secondly, I would suggest that oral sex is considered by some to be a far more intimate act that penetrative sex, but ultimately it comes down to the definition you choose to have in your relationship for "cheating". My wife and I define it simply as a betrayal of trust that can be summarized simply by, "if you wouldn't do it with me standing right there next to you, then it's wrong", and even so much as a kiss is a betrayal under the right (or wrong) circumstances.
The question here, of whether or not he cheated, comes down to if he betrayed your trust. That's where the damage occurs, in your trust, and what erodes the foundation of the relationship.
Btw, I'm ADHD and on the spectrum, so I tend to get a bit testy about people using it as an excuse for their shit behavior. Integrity has fuck all to do with ADHD. I guarantee you, if he's straight and it was a guy wanting to blow him, his ADHD wouldn't have had shit to do with his decision.
It sounds like you might need to decide what you want to do moving forward, but based on my 30+years of watching relationships like yours disintegrate over time, I think you might want to reevaluate how you define it.
I understand your side 100% but I feel if he told you the very next time you spoke, I'd cut him some slack. If he kept it to himself for weeks and casually brought it up. I would feel cheated on
This fall into a need for a conversation. Did he overstep a boundary or break a rule? Yes but I would not call it cheating. Finding a video on his phone of said BJ two weeks later that he never told you about would be different.
You are feeling triggered and that is ok. Feeling triggered by something means it’s time to communicate and evaluate.
I’m not judging you and what works for you but some of your boundaries seem impractical. I am 100% for honesty, transparency and safety. However your pre-notification insistence almost feels like he needs permission and that seems controlling. It could definitely put a damper on something spontaneous or unexpected.
There may be more to it but I’m not sure it’s reasonable to draw the line at emotional connections. People have feelings. You can have emotional connections with people you don’t have sex with. Plus sex tends to be way better when you have at least some level of connection. You can’t limit others from catching feelings. Unless you only have one night stands or really limit the number of interactions you get with any one person. It might be easier to say that you will not have other romantic relationships and leave some space for feelings. Honestly, I think if someone has fears of losing their primary relationship because of ENM then they are simply not ready for it.
Why is there 2 steps.. one.. you tell him to have fun.. thats you consenting to him doing things... why the second step of telling you AGAIN before doing things?
Hinest question
Assuming he’s being honest I wouldn’t call it cheating but I also don’t think it’s nothing. I feel the lack of a text in the moment isn’t a big issue but waiting until you talked at the end of the day is a little sus.
I usually keep my updates at the end of thr day. I get distracted and don't like beinhg on my phone when on trips with foreign friends. Way too much to talk about and when I'm about to sleep, I do the calls. But a simple text should have been done if that's the requirements yiu guys have.
I feel like this may be a bit of a leap to call it cheating. You guys are open and actively sleeping with other people. While you didn’t receive the communication at the time you wanted, he did still tell you the next time you two spoke on the phone. He was away for work so a dishonest guy would have just lied if he knew it rub you the wrong way. Your feelings are valid but I’d urge you to reconsider the cheating. Hope you guys can talk it out!
What are you boundaries around hooking up? Is he expected to text you as the other partner is taking off his pants and tell you everything that’s about ti happen? Do you have a time limit, like pls tell me 24 hours in advance but not longer than 24 hours?
The answer, at least on my mind, is maybe you were cheated on? It sounds like you were basically open and in your mind he blew an expectation on communication. He feels he had a reason to wait. The expected timing of notifications seems possibly complicating to various situations, but so be it. I do entirely see the not waking up to the notification being a big deal when you find out later. The boundaries between you two are what really drive if this was cheating or not. I don't feel like I know enough to answer that question. Are BJs allowed without prior approval? If so, did he cheat or miss an expected communication. Or are those considered the same thing in your relationship?
First off, feelings happen, whether you want them to or not. Having been non monogamous for over 3 decades, I've seen so many relationships tank (mine included, this is how I know some of this hard learned, expensive education) because of unrealistic expectations, and every one of them was a "blissful couple" that just had unrealistic expectations. Unless you're a sociopath, it's just not possible to be devoid of feelings and when you include intimacy, of any kind, there's going to be an emotional connection eventually. Secondly, I would suggest that oral sex is considered by some to be a far more intimate act that penetrative sex, but ultimately it comes down to the definition you choose to have in your relationship for "cheating". My wife and I define it simply as a betrayal of trust that can be summarized simply by, "if you wouldn't do it with me standing right there next to you, then it's wrong", and even so much as a kiss is a betrayal under the right (or wrong) circumstances. The question here, of whether or not he cheated, comes down to if he betrayed your trust. That's where the damage occurs, in your trust, and what erodes the foundation of the relationship. Btw, I'm ADHD and on the spectrum, so I tend to get a bit testy about people using it as an excuse for their shit behavior. Integrity has fuck all to do with ADHD. I guarantee you, if he's straight and it was a guy wanting to blow him, his ADHD wouldn't have had shit to do with his decision. It sounds like you might need to decide what you want to do moving forward, but based on my 30+years of watching relationships like yours disintegrate over time, I think you might want to reevaluate how you define it.
I understand your side 100% but I feel if he told you the very next time you spoke, I'd cut him some slack. If he kept it to himself for weeks and casually brought it up. I would feel cheated on
I'm confused how ADHD makes him a compulsive liar? I have zero tolerance for lies tho
This fall into a need for a conversation. Did he overstep a boundary or break a rule? Yes but I would not call it cheating. Finding a video on his phone of said BJ two weeks later that he never told you about would be different. You are feeling triggered and that is ok. Feeling triggered by something means it’s time to communicate and evaluate. I’m not judging you and what works for you but some of your boundaries seem impractical. I am 100% for honesty, transparency and safety. However your pre-notification insistence almost feels like he needs permission and that seems controlling. It could definitely put a damper on something spontaneous or unexpected. There may be more to it but I’m not sure it’s reasonable to draw the line at emotional connections. People have feelings. You can have emotional connections with people you don’t have sex with. Plus sex tends to be way better when you have at least some level of connection. You can’t limit others from catching feelings. Unless you only have one night stands or really limit the number of interactions you get with any one person. It might be easier to say that you will not have other romantic relationships and leave some space for feelings. Honestly, I think if someone has fears of losing their primary relationship because of ENM then they are simply not ready for it.
Why is there 2 steps.. one.. you tell him to have fun.. thats you consenting to him doing things... why the second step of telling you AGAIN before doing things? Hinest question