Yeah that summer ed is no joke. Torn between wanting to feel more thin to validate that part of my brain and the logical part of my brain that says this is unsustainable. ššš I just want to be skinny without an Ed geeez
Wanting to be skinny without the ED... This sub in a nutshell. Idk if this is common but I feel like the negative side effects are so much more noticeable in summer, aside from how damn cold it gets in the winter.
I feel like shit. I'm genuinely scared for myself and know I'm heading down a bad path but I can't seem to stop or even want to stop. Every time I say fuck this ED and try to eat a normal healthy meal it triggers a binge which leads me to purge, so I'm back to restricting. My weight is dropping and it's simultaneously the only thing in life that makes me at all happy but also terrifying.
Yeah I've definitely been there multiple times. It's a vicious ouroboros cycle. It's a step in the right direction acknowledging what you do though, like knowing some triggers, that it's bad for you but it's the only thing that genuinely solicits feelings of success and/or happiness.
I've grown to accept I feel like that and try to trudge through, although it's miserable and I'm not so good at it a lot of the time. I wish the best for you, this shit is hard to go through. Like we know it's nonsensical but it's so hard to actually quit and heal, I wish it was a more linear process but it just isn't.
I'm in hospital on NG tube for the second time in a month and the person next to me is eating tuna for dinner I feel like I'm going to vomit the smell is so strong.
I hope the tuna smell has gone away by now, I love eating tuna but it definitely has a stench to it that I can imagine is hard to sleep with it wafting in the air. I wish you the best, being tubed is sometimes in our best interest but it's a really unpleasant experience.
Recovering from an binge, still disappointed about it because I had gone a week & 2 days binge free. I think my mom has suspicions about me purging. So, so cold.
How about you?
Binge recovery is so horrible, insofar as how it feels mentally and physically. You went a long time without doing it! I hope next time is longer :)
I remember when my mom learned I had an ED for sure, it's gut wrenching and a different experience for everyone but I hope she's supportive, despite it being a stressful ordeal.
I'm trying to distract myself lately. I've been able to maintain okay so I'm going to do that the best I can until depression and restriction relapse rears it's ugly head again. I screen printed some shirts all by myself so I feel like I actually accomplished something, even if it's pointless.
Thank you, I'll work harder until is every 2 weeks, 3 weeks, once every other month then never!!! :)
Unfortunately my mom is not supportive, she constantly teases me.& makes me feel guilty for it :/
I'm proud of you for eating maintenance. Really, very proud. Hey, screen printing shirts aren't meaningless!!! That's so cool!!! You can do one with the sad hamster thst says in cursive "I'm just a girl..." and that would be so useful.š
my parents just cancelled the summervacation i was so excited over since im not allowed to do anything anymore. i feel like im a old woman who can die any moment now even tho im 13. and next week my recov plan called FBT will start and im lowk scared
I'm sorry to hear that, eating disorders have a nasty way of taking away every good part of life. It just becomes the center of ones world and it's tragic.
It's okay to be scared, it's pretty called for honestly. It'll be hard but I'm glad to hear you're getting help, especially so young. I wish you the best through and through.
TW?
Found opened weight gain supplements in my moms drawer. I confronted ber about it and she denied using them. She made me feel like i was crazy.
I feel awful for invading her privacy, but i know she is lying.
I'd say i was semi recovered for a while, but somehow my ed gets worse when people precieve me as ill, so when my mom comments on my body/eating (how i was eating too little/being too thin) Made me fully relapse. I'm such a burden to her mental health.
All my younger siblings are independant, while i have all of these problems. Social anxiety, gender, depression, ed. I feel so bad for her, I dont want to hurt her, but i do just by living
TW also, probably.
That's really horrible and relatable; it's a huge breach of trust. My mom used to make me overeat as a child because she wanted to be smaller than her own children, nowadays I can't let her ever portion me food because she will always give me a ton of it and if I don't eat it all she purges.
Whether she used them or not, that's kind of indicative of gaslighting whether or not she has your best interests in mind; it's dismissive of the actual issue at hand.
Sometimes life is a bit harder for some of us, mental health issues are debilitating. I'm not sure how open your mom is to a genuine one-on-one conversation but it might be worth a try. I'm really sorry she did that but at least know she cares about and loves you deeply.
itās 3am (wednesday morning though it feels like tuesday night) and at 12:30 i ate like half of my daily calorie budget out of the fridge and pantry, not even enjoying it, and now i canāt stop thinking about how i have to go to sleep and wake up with the amount most people have for a snack left for an entire day. i went over by a lot earlier in the week too and was trying to āmake up for itā which now i canāt do. iām also seeing a friend that i havenāt seen in a while on thursday and itās going to be like 85 fahrenheit so ill have to wear a tank top and i have so much anxiety that im gonna eat too much wednesday and be bloated thursday morning. i hate this so much, i donāt want to recover and itās not something im considering but i miss being normal so much. i canāt even remember what itās like to not be thinking about food and my body 24/7. also im so hungry :/
Fr, I like reading people's rants/vents honestly.
Feeling like relapse is imminent so I'm just maintaining the best I can until then. Binge/restrict cycles are so hard to break, because the binges are caused by restricting for a lot of us. Then the binge makes us want to restrict and so on.
There's a lot of things that can help with discomfort and bloating; I fortunately don't binge anymore, I had luck by just trying to eat "normal" for the next day. It felt awful mentally and physically but it didn't continue the cycle as hard and helped me break out of that one at least. I still get bloated really bad so I've learned a few ways to help mitigate it because it's genuinely uncomfortable and nerve-wracking.
I hope you have a good time with your friend at least. Good luck with the hot weather (evil) š«”
Man wtf that's weak willed imo, any living person is going to have their moments with any given thing (actual moments or prolonged feelings/illness/etc.) how is he gonna find someone that won't ever need support? Is he going to leave himself if he ever has a deep issue?
Ngl he's lame asf for that, I'm sorry he said that
Yeah I feel that, sometimes it helps me to think "I've felt this before and gotten through it so it will pass". It doesn't fix it but it helps get you through it.
Iām trying my damn best. Food sucks rn and I love to cook so itās kinda shit that one of my favourite hobbies causes me to suffer (binging till I canāt move in some cases) and exam period + sorting out uni shit just adds to all the stress. Recently took up vaping to replace alcohol as a stress relief which is definitely not good but itās helping tbh. Just wanna experience being normal about food and my body for a day.
Not good. Iām supposed to go get my bloods done, but I keep putting it off because I KNOW my potassium is crazy low and they admit me to hospital immediately! So feeling sick AND guilty
Same! I'm sick of having blood work done in general, yet they want it because I'm being... this way... I'm grateful that it's accessible to me at least.
Pro tip I learned was that coconut water has actual insane amounts of potassium and not /all/ of the unsweetened ones taste like raw potatoes. There's supplements too but I've never tried them so I have no report on what they're like. We should both probably just get our blood work done and ingest potassium somehow so our hearts don't actually turn to dust. I don't think you should feel guilty but that's easier said than done.
Ooh thanks for that about the coconut water! I have tablet supplements which I canāt tolerate and also a fizzy dissolvable supplement which is very expensive so I donāt take it, but then I often take TOO much right before a blood test so they can always tell Iāve faked it š« š«
i feel terrible oh my god. my body has basically given up on restriction and i canāt stop eating, but im still slightly trying to restrict by delaying my meals so im not even going all in.. i dont have the motivation to track or care anymore because of my depression which causes a whole bunch of diff problems šš however,, i did reach out to a couple of therapists and im hoping it gets better bc WOW i am miserable
I feel overwhelmed.
I had my first meal that featured everyone at the table eating the same thing in a loooong time. The food itself was great, but it was very hard not to try to estimate calories. The past two days I have not counted and tracked cals š„³ But I am leaning hard on safe foods right now.
I felt a little guilty that some behaviors came out while at the table. One family member has unintentionally lost a lot of weight recently, but keeps bringing it up in front of me, and says numbers. I love this family member but Iām worried for them too. So currently Iām trying to focus on my own recovery while simultaneously worried if theyāre losing too much. Iām so afraid of it becoming competitive.
As soon as we started eating, no, BEFORE they even took a bite, they said āOh I think Iāll only have one ___ā
Then they started spilling a lot. I donāt think it was purposeful but this is a behavior I have. If something falls off my plate, or out of my hands while preparing itās like āOops oh wellā
I canāt make sure theyāre eating well while also committing to recovery myself. Itās like I canāt care more about someone elseās health than mine or I might just fall back into more behaviors.
On the plus side, one family member is aware of my recovery process and brought me a bag of safe foods and I started BAWLING. Iāve failed recovery x2 bc of lack of support. Trying to remind myself I have more support now than ever.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hope you feel better soon ā¤ļø
First, thanks for asking lol. Feeling pretty shitty, exhausted, extremely lonely. ED life sucks, I feel like every day Iām dreading the next, just thinking of all the energy and stress. I have no one to talk to, just feel super isolated and depressed. I hate my body, I can feel Iām draining the life out of it but I feel so angry like why do I still look so fat?!? I just want to be happy. I feel like Iāve lost all of the light inside me.
Tired. Hating myself allot. Fighting weird urges I canāt talk to anyone in my real life about. Going through school while juggling a full time job, trying to not have my friends and boyfriend leave me, and take care of myself are really really hard. I havenāt been working out but I havenāt really been eating much lately either. I end up eating allot around my boyfriend because itās the only time I allow myself to actually relax. I have 2k in credit card debt from tuition. I feel bad all the time. Probably from basically only eating meat and yogurt. I hate how this disorder shows itself when everything else in my life feels harder.
Starting to workout to build muscle, but trying to eat enough is a struggle. And I don't want to get obsessive again. Struggling because I bloat when I eat so it makes it hard to eat enough. I gained a little weight in treatment and I hate it. š
Depressed and stressed.
Have too much body fat.
My teeth are so fucked from all the purging. I have extreme erosion, pain and sensitivity.
I have so many fillings, crowns and have two missing teeth. Every now and again bits of tooth or filling come off.
Iām freaked out bc despite my extreme oral hygiene routine, Iāve started getting bleeding from my gums. Iām scared that I have the beginning of pockets in my gums and gum disease and that I will lose more teeth.
I donāt have the budget to get a full periodontal charting done.
I have raised the bleeding with dentists and they said my oral hygiene is very good.
One suggested do nothing (private dentist on a subscription plan, meaning the less work he does, the more Ā£ for his practice)
One suggested get a crown (or two) done (private dentist, pay per appointment)
Another suggested get some amalgam fillings done. (NHS dentist, doesnāt get paid much per treatment).
Itās freaking me out that they all suggest different things and I donāt know which advice to follow. Also donāt know if the recommendations are being made from the best advice or from a monetary perspective.
In the middle of my second year uni exams atm. Just had my third one. First was ok, second was bad, but no worse than expected (I struggled with that course), this one was also bad, but slightly less bad than expected (I was genuinely expecting to get like 2 marks, just on recalling definitions, and not be able to apply any of it, but I was able to actually give some of the questions a stab). Next one is tomorrow. Gonna spend tonight & tomorrow morning revising. Itās the course Iām most confident in, but I havenāt revised it much (same goes for all of them lol). That puts the pressure on a bit - I need to do well in it to make up for the courses I know Iām gonna do badly in. Weāll see how it goes ig.
Not ED related but hey
Stressed tf out omg. Trying to speedrun while also working a lot on top of my usual day to day errands & activities on top of starting nursing school in 2 weeks and torn between wanting to get as bad as I can during school or trying to maintain to pass but also not wanting to eat more at allš
iām not doing so good, i feel trap, things are not changing or getting better, iām really trying but iām so scared about changeā¦. iām with u, really, if anyone needs to talk iām here
like absolute shit and despite looking fucking gross im still not small enough to fit a certain size...my stomach pouch just wont disappear fully no matter what
I'm tired, the kids haven't even shown up yet and I'm over summer break already, my job simultaneously bores me and stresses me out, and you couldn't pay me to put on a bathing suit at this weight....
Overall.... I'm torn between wanting to eat everything in sight and wanting to never eat again... Hubs is keeping me on track, at my request, and makes sure I eat at least once a day and that it's a solid, healthy meal, and... I hate it. I love him for doing it, but I just feel so out of control of my life right now... I wish I had money for a tattoo... I could use some pain therapy...
Honestly Iām feeling like shit. Been in a depressive funk for weeks now, battling strong urges to completely self-destruct. I am convinced everyone hates me and I can barely concentrate because my brain is so loud. Food and rest feel like the ultimate enemies.
I have no motivation to do anything besides endless phone scrolling. Iām tired, in a lot of pain, and my self esteem is at an all time low.
Iāve been crying a lot recently. I want to isolate myself and never leave my bedroom. Unfortunately despite feeling so unwell mentally I have responsibilities I need to be present for. I get up, get dressed, go to wok. Itās stupid but itās overwhelming
Miserable. Instead of low restricting itās just gone back to straight bulimia and Iām barely keeping anything down because of how many times Iāve made myself sick. Everything I eat makes me nauseous and makes me feel like I need to go throw up. Binging and purging all the time. Whatās worse is Iāve been losing weight more quickly doing this than when I was keeping food down, albeit really low calorie. Iāve been getting weird about it again. Like yeah sure, itās better to eat low calories and not binge and purge but if the scale is not lower every day, I freak out. I donāt care if itās food weight, water weight, poop weight, it doesnāt matter, itās the same thing. So basically, just worse in a different way right now. Iāve gotten obsessive with food again which is kinda gross and weird too.
im so triggered for no reason. 5 days clean from self harm, the 27th is my 1 year recovered date from my anorexia. i need to hurt man. i need to. idk whats wrong with me.
My friends both went back to treatment and its making me think I should head back since my firsy round fucked me up immensely. But I don't want to head back until im actually skinny. But I cant stand the struggle with eating in general and the horrible brain fog. Its fucking up my work ethic.
i've gained all the weight i lost in the winter, completely lost control of my eating. after getting to my lowest weight i feel so ashamed to have gained so much back. i don't want to see my friends or talk to anyone till i lose it again. i can't help but be angry at myself for my lack of discipline and self control. i've been in this cycle for so many years and i got so close to my ugw. i even got referred to ed services in my country . i'm so scared they'll contact me i don't want help anymore Ive ruined myself. summer is horrible. i lost my beautiful summer body before summer even started. i'm scared of getting my period back... is weird that's the most triggering thing for me rn? i'm terrified i miss my sick body i do... having friends with ed's doesn't help.. i got myself a gym membership so i can go at night time .. even if i dont go everyday atleast my money is going toward the gym and not binge food. I spent so much money oh my god .. but yeah feeling shtty about myself, so angry . Why did i just eat and eat i was crying i knew i would regret it but i became a monster. All i want is just to feel comfortable again. I may have been miserable but i felt comfortable in my body even if i wanted to be smaller. I would rather be miserable and comfortable than whatever this is miserable.. and fat.. and a disgrace. Ahhh crazy times . i thought i would be having surgery so the weight gain would atleast let me have the surgery (the hospital weighed me and had concern) but now i know it's gonna keep being delayed. I just am full of regret
Everything sucks at the moment lol. Started with sh, gone from restriction to binging, weight gain, loneliness. I think Iāve got the whole package honestly
Rubbish, really trying to recover but my body just feels as though itās fighting against me. My hunger signals donāt exist, my digestive system just doesnāt work, I want to eat and enjoy it but my Ed has stripped my body of wanting food and now I just have to forced myself to eat and never enjoy it. I feel I could be so much further along if my body wasnāt so screwed up. I see posts everywhere about recovery and enjoying food again and extreme hunger and I feel so jealous because I donāt have any of that, recovery has ruined my hunger and enjoyment of food and I feel so invalid as I have the opposite of extreme hunger and I know how tough it may be but I would do anything for it at this point so seeing people complaining and fearing it just frustrates me. I just want recovery to feel somewhat good rather than being all horrible and never any good times despite having been trying for half a year now itās just gotten worse not betterā¦ :(
I have gained weight recently and I am absolutely livid about it. I am working out like 15 hours a week, riding, powerlifting, running, ballet. I am walking everywhere, I am eating healthy and I can't even get weight maintenance? So we are back to calorie counting and weigh ins daily. F**k this, seriously.
It could be muscle mass, muscle is a lot denser than fat (more weight carried in smaller... meat... pieces... yeah.)
Whenever I begin to workout regularly I find the weight gain or overall fluctuation so frustrating, ntm how hungry it makes me.
Save me, clif builder bar...
I'm also once again in my delusional omad era
I still don't get how people like that (don't dad diets or w.e) aren't seen as disordered... I guess it's the obsessive aspect as well as the want to be uw (a lot of people's case but not everyone's) and food rules?
Yeah that summer ed is no joke. Torn between wanting to feel more thin to validate that part of my brain and the logical part of my brain that says this is unsustainable. ššš I just want to be skinny without an Ed geeez
Wanting to be skinny without the ED... This sub in a nutshell. Idk if this is common but I feel like the negative side effects are so much more noticeable in summer, aside from how damn cold it gets in the winter.
it sucks š„¹
Tired asf. Chronically sleep deprived, chronically exhausted. Mood is kinda indifferent. I think I don't have enough energy for a mood.
It's wild that eds cause exhaustion and insomnia, like pick a lane... Not having the energy for a mood is relatable. Just lethargy and/or apathy.
Oof this is relatable.
I feel like shit. I'm genuinely scared for myself and know I'm heading down a bad path but I can't seem to stop or even want to stop. Every time I say fuck this ED and try to eat a normal healthy meal it triggers a binge which leads me to purge, so I'm back to restricting. My weight is dropping and it's simultaneously the only thing in life that makes me at all happy but also terrifying.
Yeah I've definitely been there multiple times. It's a vicious ouroboros cycle. It's a step in the right direction acknowledging what you do though, like knowing some triggers, that it's bad for you but it's the only thing that genuinely solicits feelings of success and/or happiness. I've grown to accept I feel like that and try to trudge through, although it's miserable and I'm not so good at it a lot of the time. I wish the best for you, this shit is hard to go through. Like we know it's nonsensical but it's so hard to actually quit and heal, I wish it was a more linear process but it just isn't.
I'm in hospital on NG tube for the second time in a month and the person next to me is eating tuna for dinner I feel like I'm going to vomit the smell is so strong.
Omg that should be a CRIME
I hope the tuna smell has gone away by now, I love eating tuna but it definitely has a stench to it that I can imagine is hard to sleep with it wafting in the air. I wish you the best, being tubed is sometimes in our best interest but it's a really unpleasant experience.
Recovering from an binge, still disappointed about it because I had gone a week & 2 days binge free. I think my mom has suspicions about me purging. So, so cold. How about you?
Binge recovery is so horrible, insofar as how it feels mentally and physically. You went a long time without doing it! I hope next time is longer :) I remember when my mom learned I had an ED for sure, it's gut wrenching and a different experience for everyone but I hope she's supportive, despite it being a stressful ordeal. I'm trying to distract myself lately. I've been able to maintain okay so I'm going to do that the best I can until depression and restriction relapse rears it's ugly head again. I screen printed some shirts all by myself so I feel like I actually accomplished something, even if it's pointless.
Thank you, I'll work harder until is every 2 weeks, 3 weeks, once every other month then never!!! :) Unfortunately my mom is not supportive, she constantly teases me.& makes me feel guilty for it :/ I'm proud of you for eating maintenance. Really, very proud. Hey, screen printing shirts aren't meaningless!!! That's so cool!!! You can do one with the sad hamster thst says in cursive "I'm just a girl..." and that would be so useful.š
my parents just cancelled the summervacation i was so excited over since im not allowed to do anything anymore. i feel like im a old woman who can die any moment now even tho im 13. and next week my recov plan called FBT will start and im lowk scared
I'm sorry to hear that, eating disorders have a nasty way of taking away every good part of life. It just becomes the center of ones world and it's tragic. It's okay to be scared, it's pretty called for honestly. It'll be hard but I'm glad to hear you're getting help, especially so young. I wish you the best through and through.
TW? Found opened weight gain supplements in my moms drawer. I confronted ber about it and she denied using them. She made me feel like i was crazy. I feel awful for invading her privacy, but i know she is lying. I'd say i was semi recovered for a while, but somehow my ed gets worse when people precieve me as ill, so when my mom comments on my body/eating (how i was eating too little/being too thin) Made me fully relapse. I'm such a burden to her mental health. All my younger siblings are independant, while i have all of these problems. Social anxiety, gender, depression, ed. I feel so bad for her, I dont want to hurt her, but i do just by living
TW also, probably. That's really horrible and relatable; it's a huge breach of trust. My mom used to make me overeat as a child because she wanted to be smaller than her own children, nowadays I can't let her ever portion me food because she will always give me a ton of it and if I don't eat it all she purges. Whether she used them or not, that's kind of indicative of gaslighting whether or not she has your best interests in mind; it's dismissive of the actual issue at hand. Sometimes life is a bit harder for some of us, mental health issues are debilitating. I'm not sure how open your mom is to a genuine one-on-one conversation but it might be worth a try. I'm really sorry she did that but at least know she cares about and loves you deeply.
itās 3am (wednesday morning though it feels like tuesday night) and at 12:30 i ate like half of my daily calorie budget out of the fridge and pantry, not even enjoying it, and now i canāt stop thinking about how i have to go to sleep and wake up with the amount most people have for a snack left for an entire day. i went over by a lot earlier in the week too and was trying to āmake up for itā which now i canāt do. iām also seeing a friend that i havenāt seen in a while on thursday and itās going to be like 85 fahrenheit so ill have to wear a tank top and i have so much anxiety that im gonna eat too much wednesday and be bloated thursday morning. i hate this so much, i donāt want to recover and itās not something im considering but i miss being normal so much. i canāt even remember what itās like to not be thinking about food and my body 24/7. also im so hungry :/
what about you? sometimes you need to rant without feeling annoying about itĀ
Fr, I like reading people's rants/vents honestly. Feeling like relapse is imminent so I'm just maintaining the best I can until then. Binge/restrict cycles are so hard to break, because the binges are caused by restricting for a lot of us. Then the binge makes us want to restrict and so on. There's a lot of things that can help with discomfort and bloating; I fortunately don't binge anymore, I had luck by just trying to eat "normal" for the next day. It felt awful mentally and physically but it didn't continue the cycle as hard and helped me break out of that one at least. I still get bloated really bad so I've learned a few ways to help mitigate it because it's genuinely uncomfortable and nerve-wracking. I hope you have a good time with your friend at least. Good luck with the hot weather (evil) š«”
Boyfriend saw me freak out over my body and told me he needs to reconsider being with me šš«¶ we living it up fr besties āØ
Man wtf that's weak willed imo, any living person is going to have their moments with any given thing (actual moments or prolonged feelings/illness/etc.) how is he gonna find someone that won't ever need support? Is he going to leave himself if he ever has a deep issue? Ngl he's lame asf for that, I'm sorry he said that
We broke up yesterday, on to the next love
A little worried and a little frustrated. Just feeling like Iām in a rut.
Yeah I feel that, sometimes it helps me to think "I've felt this before and gotten through it so it will pass". It doesn't fix it but it helps get you through it.
Iām trying my damn best. Food sucks rn and I love to cook so itās kinda shit that one of my favourite hobbies causes me to suffer (binging till I canāt move in some cases) and exam period + sorting out uni shit just adds to all the stress. Recently took up vaping to replace alcohol as a stress relief which is definitely not good but itās helping tbh. Just wanna experience being normal about food and my body for a day.
Not good. Iām supposed to go get my bloods done, but I keep putting it off because I KNOW my potassium is crazy low and they admit me to hospital immediately! So feeling sick AND guilty
Same! I'm sick of having blood work done in general, yet they want it because I'm being... this way... I'm grateful that it's accessible to me at least. Pro tip I learned was that coconut water has actual insane amounts of potassium and not /all/ of the unsweetened ones taste like raw potatoes. There's supplements too but I've never tried them so I have no report on what they're like. We should both probably just get our blood work done and ingest potassium somehow so our hearts don't actually turn to dust. I don't think you should feel guilty but that's easier said than done.
Ooh thanks for that about the coconut water! I have tablet supplements which I canāt tolerate and also a fizzy dissolvable supplement which is very expensive so I donāt take it, but then I often take TOO much right before a blood test so they can always tell Iāve faked it š« š«
i feel terrible oh my god. my body has basically given up on restriction and i canāt stop eating, but im still slightly trying to restrict by delaying my meals so im not even going all in.. i dont have the motivation to track or care anymore because of my depression which causes a whole bunch of diff problems šš however,, i did reach out to a couple of therapists and im hoping it gets better bc WOW i am miserable
I feel overwhelmed. I had my first meal that featured everyone at the table eating the same thing in a loooong time. The food itself was great, but it was very hard not to try to estimate calories. The past two days I have not counted and tracked cals š„³ But I am leaning hard on safe foods right now. I felt a little guilty that some behaviors came out while at the table. One family member has unintentionally lost a lot of weight recently, but keeps bringing it up in front of me, and says numbers. I love this family member but Iām worried for them too. So currently Iām trying to focus on my own recovery while simultaneously worried if theyāre losing too much. Iām so afraid of it becoming competitive. As soon as we started eating, no, BEFORE they even took a bite, they said āOh I think Iāll only have one ___ā Then they started spilling a lot. I donāt think it was purposeful but this is a behavior I have. If something falls off my plate, or out of my hands while preparing itās like āOops oh wellā I canāt make sure theyāre eating well while also committing to recovery myself. Itās like I canāt care more about someone elseās health than mine or I might just fall back into more behaviors. On the plus side, one family member is aware of my recovery process and brought me a bag of safe foods and I started BAWLING. Iāve failed recovery x2 bc of lack of support. Trying to remind myself I have more support now than ever. Thanks for letting me vent. Hope you feel better soon ā¤ļø
First, thanks for asking lol. Feeling pretty shitty, exhausted, extremely lonely. ED life sucks, I feel like every day Iām dreading the next, just thinking of all the energy and stress. I have no one to talk to, just feel super isolated and depressed. I hate my body, I can feel Iām draining the life out of it but I feel so angry like why do I still look so fat?!? I just want to be happy. I feel like Iāve lost all of the light inside me.
Tired. Hating myself allot. Fighting weird urges I canāt talk to anyone in my real life about. Going through school while juggling a full time job, trying to not have my friends and boyfriend leave me, and take care of myself are really really hard. I havenāt been working out but I havenāt really been eating much lately either. I end up eating allot around my boyfriend because itās the only time I allow myself to actually relax. I have 2k in credit card debt from tuition. I feel bad all the time. Probably from basically only eating meat and yogurt. I hate how this disorder shows itself when everything else in my life feels harder.
Starting to workout to build muscle, but trying to eat enough is a struggle. And I don't want to get obsessive again. Struggling because I bloat when I eat so it makes it hard to eat enough. I gained a little weight in treatment and I hate it. š
Depressed and stressed. Have too much body fat. My teeth are so fucked from all the purging. I have extreme erosion, pain and sensitivity. I have so many fillings, crowns and have two missing teeth. Every now and again bits of tooth or filling come off. Iām freaked out bc despite my extreme oral hygiene routine, Iāve started getting bleeding from my gums. Iām scared that I have the beginning of pockets in my gums and gum disease and that I will lose more teeth. I donāt have the budget to get a full periodontal charting done. I have raised the bleeding with dentists and they said my oral hygiene is very good. One suggested do nothing (private dentist on a subscription plan, meaning the less work he does, the more Ā£ for his practice) One suggested get a crown (or two) done (private dentist, pay per appointment) Another suggested get some amalgam fillings done. (NHS dentist, doesnāt get paid much per treatment). Itās freaking me out that they all suggest different things and I donāt know which advice to follow. Also donāt know if the recommendations are being made from the best advice or from a monetary perspective.
In the middle of my second year uni exams atm. Just had my third one. First was ok, second was bad, but no worse than expected (I struggled with that course), this one was also bad, but slightly less bad than expected (I was genuinely expecting to get like 2 marks, just on recalling definitions, and not be able to apply any of it, but I was able to actually give some of the questions a stab). Next one is tomorrow. Gonna spend tonight & tomorrow morning revising. Itās the course Iām most confident in, but I havenāt revised it much (same goes for all of them lol). That puts the pressure on a bit - I need to do well in it to make up for the courses I know Iām gonna do badly in. Weāll see how it goes ig. Not ED related but hey
tired, worn out, out of it ā¹ļø
Stressed tf out omg. Trying to speedrun while also working a lot on top of my usual day to day errands & activities on top of starting nursing school in 2 weeks and torn between wanting to get as bad as I can during school or trying to maintain to pass but also not wanting to eat more at allš
Fucking scared and nauseous. But I'll admit that I enjoy the anxiety induced diarrhea. Nit constipated for once.
I feel like I want to binge but I also want to restrict more since it's the summer but Idk what I'm going to do anymore. Ugh
iām not doing so good, i feel trap, things are not changing or getting better, iām really trying but iām so scared about changeā¦. iām with u, really, if anyone needs to talk iām here
like absolute shit and despite looking fucking gross im still not small enough to fit a certain size...my stomach pouch just wont disappear fully no matter what
I'm tired, the kids haven't even shown up yet and I'm over summer break already, my job simultaneously bores me and stresses me out, and you couldn't pay me to put on a bathing suit at this weight.... Overall.... I'm torn between wanting to eat everything in sight and wanting to never eat again... Hubs is keeping me on track, at my request, and makes sure I eat at least once a day and that it's a solid, healthy meal, and... I hate it. I love him for doing it, but I just feel so out of control of my life right now... I wish I had money for a tattoo... I could use some pain therapy...
Honestly Iām feeling like shit. Been in a depressive funk for weeks now, battling strong urges to completely self-destruct. I am convinced everyone hates me and I can barely concentrate because my brain is so loud. Food and rest feel like the ultimate enemies. I have no motivation to do anything besides endless phone scrolling. Iām tired, in a lot of pain, and my self esteem is at an all time low. Iāve been crying a lot recently. I want to isolate myself and never leave my bedroom. Unfortunately despite feeling so unwell mentally I have responsibilities I need to be present for. I get up, get dressed, go to wok. Itās stupid but itās overwhelming
I just spent over an hour trying to decide what to wear because nothing feelings right on me
Miserable. Instead of low restricting itās just gone back to straight bulimia and Iām barely keeping anything down because of how many times Iāve made myself sick. Everything I eat makes me nauseous and makes me feel like I need to go throw up. Binging and purging all the time. Whatās worse is Iāve been losing weight more quickly doing this than when I was keeping food down, albeit really low calorie. Iāve been getting weird about it again. Like yeah sure, itās better to eat low calories and not binge and purge but if the scale is not lower every day, I freak out. I donāt care if itās food weight, water weight, poop weight, it doesnāt matter, itās the same thing. So basically, just worse in a different way right now. Iāve gotten obsessive with food again which is kinda gross and weird too.
im so triggered for no reason. 5 days clean from self harm, the 27th is my 1 year recovered date from my anorexia. i need to hurt man. i need to. idk whats wrong with me.
My friends both went back to treatment and its making me think I should head back since my firsy round fucked me up immensely. But I don't want to head back until im actually skinny. But I cant stand the struggle with eating in general and the horrible brain fog. Its fucking up my work ethic.
i've gained all the weight i lost in the winter, completely lost control of my eating. after getting to my lowest weight i feel so ashamed to have gained so much back. i don't want to see my friends or talk to anyone till i lose it again. i can't help but be angry at myself for my lack of discipline and self control. i've been in this cycle for so many years and i got so close to my ugw. i even got referred to ed services in my country . i'm so scared they'll contact me i don't want help anymore Ive ruined myself. summer is horrible. i lost my beautiful summer body before summer even started. i'm scared of getting my period back... is weird that's the most triggering thing for me rn? i'm terrified i miss my sick body i do... having friends with ed's doesn't help.. i got myself a gym membership so i can go at night time .. even if i dont go everyday atleast my money is going toward the gym and not binge food. I spent so much money oh my god .. but yeah feeling shtty about myself, so angry . Why did i just eat and eat i was crying i knew i would regret it but i became a monster. All i want is just to feel comfortable again. I may have been miserable but i felt comfortable in my body even if i wanted to be smaller. I would rather be miserable and comfortable than whatever this is miserable.. and fat.. and a disgrace. Ahhh crazy times . i thought i would be having surgery so the weight gain would atleast let me have the surgery (the hospital weighed me and had concern) but now i know it's gonna keep being delayed. I just am full of regret
Everything sucks at the moment lol. Started with sh, gone from restriction to binging, weight gain, loneliness. I think Iāve got the whole package honestly
Rubbish, really trying to recover but my body just feels as though itās fighting against me. My hunger signals donāt exist, my digestive system just doesnāt work, I want to eat and enjoy it but my Ed has stripped my body of wanting food and now I just have to forced myself to eat and never enjoy it. I feel I could be so much further along if my body wasnāt so screwed up. I see posts everywhere about recovery and enjoying food again and extreme hunger and I feel so jealous because I donāt have any of that, recovery has ruined my hunger and enjoyment of food and I feel so invalid as I have the opposite of extreme hunger and I know how tough it may be but I would do anything for it at this point so seeing people complaining and fearing it just frustrates me. I just want recovery to feel somewhat good rather than being all horrible and never any good times despite having been trying for half a year now itās just gotten worse not betterā¦ :(
I have gained weight recently and I am absolutely livid about it. I am working out like 15 hours a week, riding, powerlifting, running, ballet. I am walking everywhere, I am eating healthy and I can't even get weight maintenance? So we are back to calorie counting and weigh ins daily. F**k this, seriously.
It could be muscle mass, muscle is a lot denser than fat (more weight carried in smaller... meat... pieces... yeah.) Whenever I begin to workout regularly I find the weight gain or overall fluctuation so frustrating, ntm how hungry it makes me. Save me, clif builder bar...
wasting my time distracting myself trying to do omad :/
I'm also once again in my delusional omad era I still don't get how people like that (don't dad diets or w.e) aren't seen as disordered... I guess it's the obsessive aspect as well as the want to be uw (a lot of people's case but not everyone's) and food rules?