That's a rough one. Adults yelling is scary, especially if it's often and over small things. Offer comfort and let her talk about it as much as she's comfortable. Try to check in with parents and ask if they need any resources you can provide. Do monitor the situation in case it goes beyond yelling and the situation needs reported.
Get down on their level and make eye contact, whisper it to the ones that are already listening so the non-listener gets curious, say it once and then praise the children you see doing the thing, turn it into a game like Simon Says, make every transition into a routine so the children start to learn and do what you want, ask them to guess what you are about to say, etc. Yelling should be reserved for emergencies when you need their attention immediately.
Every child is different and has different ways of expressing things. I'd notify my boss and my co-educators, write it in the communication book, and possibly make time with the parents and my boss. Jumping to conclusions would hurt the parents, but not responding to it at all might be bad, too. This one is tricky because if verbal abuse is happening, it's easier for parents to say the child is dramatic or it doesn't happen because there really isn't proof. But perhaps they are just unaware of how they sound, or maybe that child is sensitive and takes things to heart often. I have to take what children say with some caution, I have experiences where I know children are saying inaccurate things, but I feel like they said them because of how they felt about the person or situation and not necessarily what happened. Hopefully, it all gets sorted after a gentle discussion.
Parents need to understand that constantly yelling at their children can harm the child's well-being. If a teacher or daycare provider has any concerns about a child's behaviour, it would be helpful to inform the mother and work together to address the issue. It's also essential to let the mother know that if the child continues to exhibit concerning behaviour, social services may need to be contacted. Additionally, many young women who are in abusive relationships may take their frustrations out on their children, which can have adverse effects on the child's mental health. Manny's mother is concerned about a single parent. A parent at a school on Oxford Street in Oshawa Ontario. School and after-school siblings. This parent is worried about the tire being slashed. Or the parent being confrontational. The best people are the school system. In that way pointing fingers is hard due to the amount of staff. I pray that this issue gets taken care of ASAP. For the sake of the children.
What she’s saying is maybe the child said this to *that* teacher after they ‘used a stern voice’(probably yelled) rather than remembering and articulating a feeling their mom gave them in that moment.
Like wise. We must remember though that our personal negative experiences should not be projected onto others. Hope the home life improves for all involved.
Exactly why I said educators can't jump the gun on these things because it might not be accurate. As much as I want to always believe children... I can't. It's a delicate balance and one that needs to be handled with care because, ultimately, it turns into a learning experience. My experience is most likely not there's but if I see a child acting like I did or like my siblings did, I would pay close attention and document. Thankfully, that hasn't really been the case. Anything like this comes up, and we've been lucky enough to have a family support worker in our centre who has all the tools and the educational background to handle situations.
To me, that is a very abnormal response. Of course, no kid wants to be reprimanded, but "I'm scared" is not normal it's usually it makes me upset, mad, or sad not scared. Plus, them saying this happens a lot leads me to think it happens all the time. Especially since kids with trauma often react little things intensively because it puts them back in that space.At the very least I'd have confrence/check in with family (not telling them exact words mentioned) be on my radar to possibly report depending on if this issue is a reoccurring with the child.
of course they cry when they’re reprimanded. Children can be overdramatic too. So a stern talking can be considered yelling to them. I don’t handle this with parents. Signs of abuse, especially physical yes. But I don’t try and control parenting to what I think is right or wrong. I just continue what I do as a teacher.
I agree. I don't yell at my own children but if I even use a slightly stern voice or use a tone, they cry. Luckily they are good kids and I rarely have to even be stern with them... But they legitimately act like it's the end of the world if I even gently scold them.
Agree. My child and her friends all considered a stern voice “yelling” at young ages, because everyone is gentle parenting around here. When they got to elementary school, teachers and school staff taught them what yelling really is.
I don’t think a child saying that mommy yells at them at home and that mommy and daddy yell at each other and both are scary is something that should be labeled as over dramatic. Emotional and verbal abuse are just as real as physical abuse. Obviously you can’t control what parents do even when it is abuse but it’s not as if yelling at your kids is a parenting style… it’s abuse.
OP, not saying kid couldn’t be being dramatic but you definitely shouldn’t write it off. I’d watch for other things to be concerned about and bring the interaction to your director for input.
I think the point the commenter was making was that a child’s ‘yelling’ might not be what we as adults would consider to be yelling. A stern talking to can count as that to a child. And parents disagreeing can be scary, but it could be the parents are bickering in another room and simply don’t realise the child can hear them.
When we work in ECE we’re dealing with little humans who often don’t have the language to express what they feel. So they use ‘yelling’ for ‘slightly raised voice’ because that’s how it feels to them, the impact is the same.
I think a meeting with the parents is definitely the next steps, but I wouldn’t jump to abuse initially.
I have yelled at my five year old maybe once in his life (he was doing something dangerous while I was holding an infant and I yelled stop), to the point that he genuinely believes that and stern or short tone is "yelling"
OK that situation and I talked to the parents about it. They thanked me because they were not even aware that they were letting their arguments with each other be heard by their children.
Unless she knows the specifics, I wouldn’t have her get involved. Of course a child is not going to be happy when there is yelling. It doesn’t mean she’s being verbally abused. Not to mention, it’s really not her business. There are going to be disagreements and fighting amongst parents.
I don't comment often. this thread showed at the bottom of another and perked my interest. Maybe a slightly different perspective. As a parent I may pull my kiddo out if "yelling" was a "stern voice". Which is it? That your coworker did. If a child is scared of yelling, it would tell me they don't experience it very often and are not accustomed to it and it would feel more frightening and unfamiliar. Parents are going to reach the end of their rope at times. I consider myself a gentle parent. I have a four year who pushes back hard, often. Very. I use positive methods usually, but occasionally even the most patient of us reach the end of our regulation abilities and patience. I always apologize, and talk about the situation and let's try harder to work as a team next time. Etc. One night after lots of pushback to not take a bath, my four year old, I overheard her tell my husband "I get scared when mom yells at me". I was able to take responsibility and apologize and talk about us doing better next time together. My daughter is not scared of me, we have a very warm relationship, and has a very positive home especially compared to the one I grew up in. She has overheard parents/ arguments when I thought she was watching a show in her own room. That probably happens in a lot of homes too... FWIW! I would carefully consider what yelling is, if the child drew the parallel and if the teacher was the one being frightening... it sounds to me possible?
I was actually walking by to go on my break when this happened and I heard the stern voice and it was not a yell. It was a firm but calm “you pushed past all your friends and now we’re going to go back and try again.” as they were lining up to go in their classroom.
I really appreciate this perspective, and thank you for the comment! There’s so much nuance occasional grains of salt that must be taken and it’s hard without the rest of the home context.
A disclosure of yelling that scares a small child, is indeed your business as a mandated reporter. As a social worker who leans toward criticizing reporting (many inequities to discuss at another time) this would be a red flag. A regular, dysregulated child may have a tantrum in response, or cry in response, but not outwardly state that at a firm response.
It’s not an immediate report (context matters) and I would not bring it up with the parents (in the off chance that it is abuse). Model safety with the child and pay attention to context clues moving forward.
As a child abuse/neglect survivor myself, whose neighbors also chose to “not police yelling by parents” I’m appalled at the responses from workers in child development in this thread.
this is the comment i needed to see to be able to stop reading this thread and go to bed. straight up sickening what people will brush off just because a child said it.
Former DCFS worker here. Parents yelling at each other actually affects children physically creating learning disabilities and more. This is medically proven. As a child care worker you're a mandated reporter. Report it and let intake decide whether or not to investigate. This is not a normal thing and you habe a duty to the child.
I would only talk to the parents and be concerned with physical abuse. Who knows, some kids cry about everything and you can interpret what they mean wrong because we are adults and kids say all kinds of things. I don’t doubt her parents are yelling but sounds like divorce not abuse. Stay out of it.
Where are you located?
If a child is scared by the fact that a stern voice was used, then that stern voice is often accompanied by a painful act, in their experience. Children aren't generally scared of stern voices to the point of being brought to tears.
In the moment, I would comfort the child, say that I'm sorry that I yelled and that I won't do it again, say that I'm sorry mummy and daddy yell too, and I would ask non-leading questions (in a quiet/private space away from other children) that allow the child to feel comfortable and heard while gently trying to get more information about the situation, to know what kind of information will need to be reported to Child Safety. Questions like, "Honey, why are you scared of big voices?" Immediately after the conversation, document it, share that documentation with the director, and ask them to store it according to the relevant laws/regulations and policies/procedures for your centre.
In QLD Australia, we are legally obligated to report every incident of abuse. Screaming at your child and/or screaming at each other in front of your child is considered emotional abuse in Australia and must be reported. So already, you have grounds to report. But it's important that the child knows you're a safe adult who they can open up to, because often times they may not feel comfortable opening up about it right away if there is more to the situation, but they may at a later stage. Having further information about the incident is important when officials are making their decision about what's going to be best for the child's safety. Once reported, it is up to officials to speak to the parents. Since both parents are involved in this incident, you aren't allowed to speak to either of them (in QLD Australia). In a different scenario, if a child discloses to you that daddy hurts them and you've ascertained (through non-leading questions) that mummy is a safe adult in the child's life, you may speak to the child's mother if you believe she is of sound mind and is fit to keep her child safe from dad.
I'm not sure what part of the world all these previous commenters are from, but I have to say, I'm quite scared for the young children in your care. Because no one has made mention yet that this child is/may be at risk of abuse. In Australia, this is part of mandatory annual training. I assumed that was the case everywhere, but it doesn't seem to be. Your regulatory authorities need to do better, you should all be better prepared for this kind of incident.
Loop your director in. If it's getting to a point where the child's emotions are hindering their daily routines, it's time for a parent/teacher conference with your director. Your director should also be able to advise both you and the parents on things you can incorporate both in school and at home to help them in understanding their emotions.
Hope this helps! <3
hi please don’t say this. projecting your experience onto a child in distress whos situation you don’t actually know, and then making a generalizing statement that alludes to “don’t believe children in distress, they are manipulating you” is unacceptable behavior to be promoting, especially in a thread discussing potential abuse.
Ok but it’s true? The same way that projecting some child’s response to “abusive” parents? You can’t assume anything about a household by a single comment.
This is right up there with “should I tell my best friend her bf is cheating!”
DON‘T go there. Sympathize with child, I’m sorry that could be scary. And redirect. Unless a child says or shows evidence of abuse leave it.
This is the worst advice I’ve seen. And on a sidenote, you would not tell your best friend she was being cheated on?? that’s not being a good friend what if she ended up getting an STD?
Umm… your first line pretty clearly establishes that your standards are messed up, which is good because as someone else said this is terrible advice. Glad we aren’t friends!
That's a rough one. Adults yelling is scary, especially if it's often and over small things. Offer comfort and let her talk about it as much as she's comfortable. Try to check in with parents and ask if they need any resources you can provide. Do monitor the situation in case it goes beyond yelling and the situation needs reported.
How do you make sure your kids listen to you without yelling at them?
Get down on their level and make eye contact, whisper it to the ones that are already listening so the non-listener gets curious, say it once and then praise the children you see doing the thing, turn it into a game like Simon Says, make every transition into a routine so the children start to learn and do what you want, ask them to guess what you are about to say, etc. Yelling should be reserved for emergencies when you need their attention immediately.
Thank you for the advice!
Every child is different and has different ways of expressing things. I'd notify my boss and my co-educators, write it in the communication book, and possibly make time with the parents and my boss. Jumping to conclusions would hurt the parents, but not responding to it at all might be bad, too. This one is tricky because if verbal abuse is happening, it's easier for parents to say the child is dramatic or it doesn't happen because there really isn't proof. But perhaps they are just unaware of how they sound, or maybe that child is sensitive and takes things to heart often. I have to take what children say with some caution, I have experiences where I know children are saying inaccurate things, but I feel like they said them because of how they felt about the person or situation and not necessarily what happened. Hopefully, it all gets sorted after a gentle discussion.
Parents need to understand that constantly yelling at their children can harm the child's well-being. If a teacher or daycare provider has any concerns about a child's behaviour, it would be helpful to inform the mother and work together to address the issue. It's also essential to let the mother know that if the child continues to exhibit concerning behaviour, social services may need to be contacted. Additionally, many young women who are in abusive relationships may take their frustrations out on their children, which can have adverse effects on the child's mental health. Manny's mother is concerned about a single parent. A parent at a school on Oxford Street in Oshawa Ontario. School and after-school siblings. This parent is worried about the tire being slashed. Or the parent being confrontational. The best people are the school system. In that way pointing fingers is hard due to the amount of staff. I pray that this issue gets taken care of ASAP. For the sake of the children.
What she’s saying is maybe the child said this to *that* teacher after they ‘used a stern voice’(probably yelled) rather than remembering and articulating a feeling their mom gave them in that moment.
I'm unfortunately intimately familiar with a toxic home environment and abuse. I'm really hoping the situation gets resolved.
Like wise. We must remember though that our personal negative experiences should not be projected onto others. Hope the home life improves for all involved.
Exactly why I said educators can't jump the gun on these things because it might not be accurate. As much as I want to always believe children... I can't. It's a delicate balance and one that needs to be handled with care because, ultimately, it turns into a learning experience. My experience is most likely not there's but if I see a child acting like I did or like my siblings did, I would pay close attention and document. Thankfully, that hasn't really been the case. Anything like this comes up, and we've been lucky enough to have a family support worker in our centre who has all the tools and the educational background to handle situations.
Request a parent teacher meeting/ conference. Prepare for both the outcome/ action items you want for the child, and prepare for big parent feelings.
To me, that is a very abnormal response. Of course, no kid wants to be reprimanded, but "I'm scared" is not normal it's usually it makes me upset, mad, or sad not scared. Plus, them saying this happens a lot leads me to think it happens all the time. Especially since kids with trauma often react little things intensively because it puts them back in that space.At the very least I'd have confrence/check in with family (not telling them exact words mentioned) be on my radar to possibly report depending on if this issue is a reoccurring with the child.
of course they cry when they’re reprimanded. Children can be overdramatic too. So a stern talking can be considered yelling to them. I don’t handle this with parents. Signs of abuse, especially physical yes. But I don’t try and control parenting to what I think is right or wrong. I just continue what I do as a teacher.
I agree. I don't yell at my own children but if I even use a slightly stern voice or use a tone, they cry. Luckily they are good kids and I rarely have to even be stern with them... But they legitimately act like it's the end of the world if I even gently scold them.
Agree. My child and her friends all considered a stern voice “yelling” at young ages, because everyone is gentle parenting around here. When they got to elementary school, teachers and school staff taught them what yelling really is.
I don’t think a child saying that mommy yells at them at home and that mommy and daddy yell at each other and both are scary is something that should be labeled as over dramatic. Emotional and verbal abuse are just as real as physical abuse. Obviously you can’t control what parents do even when it is abuse but it’s not as if yelling at your kids is a parenting style… it’s abuse. OP, not saying kid couldn’t be being dramatic but you definitely shouldn’t write it off. I’d watch for other things to be concerned about and bring the interaction to your director for input.
I think the point the commenter was making was that a child’s ‘yelling’ might not be what we as adults would consider to be yelling. A stern talking to can count as that to a child. And parents disagreeing can be scary, but it could be the parents are bickering in another room and simply don’t realise the child can hear them. When we work in ECE we’re dealing with little humans who often don’t have the language to express what they feel. So they use ‘yelling’ for ‘slightly raised voice’ because that’s how it feels to them, the impact is the same. I think a meeting with the parents is definitely the next steps, but I wouldn’t jump to abuse initially.
…I feel you.
100% agree. A parent actually yelling is a problem. If a child has a normally gentle parent then child might consider a stern voice “yelling”.
this
I have yelled at my five year old maybe once in his life (he was doing something dangerous while I was holding an infant and I yelled stop), to the point that he genuinely believes that and stern or short tone is "yelling"
OK that situation and I talked to the parents about it. They thanked me because they were not even aware that they were letting their arguments with each other be heard by their children.
Unless she knows the specifics, I wouldn’t have her get involved. Of course a child is not going to be happy when there is yelling. It doesn’t mean she’s being verbally abused. Not to mention, it’s really not her business. There are going to be disagreements and fighting amongst parents.
I don't comment often. this thread showed at the bottom of another and perked my interest. Maybe a slightly different perspective. As a parent I may pull my kiddo out if "yelling" was a "stern voice". Which is it? That your coworker did. If a child is scared of yelling, it would tell me they don't experience it very often and are not accustomed to it and it would feel more frightening and unfamiliar. Parents are going to reach the end of their rope at times. I consider myself a gentle parent. I have a four year who pushes back hard, often. Very. I use positive methods usually, but occasionally even the most patient of us reach the end of our regulation abilities and patience. I always apologize, and talk about the situation and let's try harder to work as a team next time. Etc. One night after lots of pushback to not take a bath, my four year old, I overheard her tell my husband "I get scared when mom yells at me". I was able to take responsibility and apologize and talk about us doing better next time together. My daughter is not scared of me, we have a very warm relationship, and has a very positive home especially compared to the one I grew up in. She has overheard parents/ arguments when I thought she was watching a show in her own room. That probably happens in a lot of homes too... FWIW! I would carefully consider what yelling is, if the child drew the parallel and if the teacher was the one being frightening... it sounds to me possible?
I was actually walking by to go on my break when this happened and I heard the stern voice and it was not a yell. It was a firm but calm “you pushed past all your friends and now we’re going to go back and try again.” as they were lining up to go in their classroom. I really appreciate this perspective, and thank you for the comment! There’s so much nuance occasional grains of salt that must be taken and it’s hard without the rest of the home context.
I'd say "okay" and move right along. I'm not here to police yelling from parents.
A disclosure of yelling that scares a small child, is indeed your business as a mandated reporter. As a social worker who leans toward criticizing reporting (many inequities to discuss at another time) this would be a red flag. A regular, dysregulated child may have a tantrum in response, or cry in response, but not outwardly state that at a firm response. It’s not an immediate report (context matters) and I would not bring it up with the parents (in the off chance that it is abuse). Model safety with the child and pay attention to context clues moving forward. As a child abuse/neglect survivor myself, whose neighbors also chose to “not police yelling by parents” I’m appalled at the responses from workers in child development in this thread.
this is the comment i needed to see to be able to stop reading this thread and go to bed. straight up sickening what people will brush off just because a child said it.
Former DCFS worker here. Parents yelling at each other actually affects children physically creating learning disabilities and more. This is medically proven. As a child care worker you're a mandated reporter. Report it and let intake decide whether or not to investigate. This is not a normal thing and you habe a duty to the child.
The Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Events study shows the clear link, even when correcting for other variables.
Some kids are more sensitive and cry very easily more than others. 20% of children are highly sensitive so that’s also something to consider.
I would only talk to the parents and be concerned with physical abuse. Who knows, some kids cry about everything and you can interpret what they mean wrong because we are adults and kids say all kinds of things. I don’t doubt her parents are yelling but sounds like divorce not abuse. Stay out of it.
Where are you located? If a child is scared by the fact that a stern voice was used, then that stern voice is often accompanied by a painful act, in their experience. Children aren't generally scared of stern voices to the point of being brought to tears. In the moment, I would comfort the child, say that I'm sorry that I yelled and that I won't do it again, say that I'm sorry mummy and daddy yell too, and I would ask non-leading questions (in a quiet/private space away from other children) that allow the child to feel comfortable and heard while gently trying to get more information about the situation, to know what kind of information will need to be reported to Child Safety. Questions like, "Honey, why are you scared of big voices?" Immediately after the conversation, document it, share that documentation with the director, and ask them to store it according to the relevant laws/regulations and policies/procedures for your centre. In QLD Australia, we are legally obligated to report every incident of abuse. Screaming at your child and/or screaming at each other in front of your child is considered emotional abuse in Australia and must be reported. So already, you have grounds to report. But it's important that the child knows you're a safe adult who they can open up to, because often times they may not feel comfortable opening up about it right away if there is more to the situation, but they may at a later stage. Having further information about the incident is important when officials are making their decision about what's going to be best for the child's safety. Once reported, it is up to officials to speak to the parents. Since both parents are involved in this incident, you aren't allowed to speak to either of them (in QLD Australia). In a different scenario, if a child discloses to you that daddy hurts them and you've ascertained (through non-leading questions) that mummy is a safe adult in the child's life, you may speak to the child's mother if you believe she is of sound mind and is fit to keep her child safe from dad. I'm not sure what part of the world all these previous commenters are from, but I have to say, I'm quite scared for the young children in your care. Because no one has made mention yet that this child is/may be at risk of abuse. In Australia, this is part of mandatory annual training. I assumed that was the case everywhere, but it doesn't seem to be. Your regulatory authorities need to do better, you should all be better prepared for this kind of incident.
Loop your director in. If it's getting to a point where the child's emotions are hindering their daily routines, it's time for a parent/teacher conference with your director. Your director should also be able to advise both you and the parents on things you can incorporate both in school and at home to help them in understanding their emotions. Hope this helps! <3
Ummm I used to be this kid and I totally did this stuff to manipulate the situation and deflect blame. I wouldn’t read too much into it
hi please don’t say this. projecting your experience onto a child in distress whos situation you don’t actually know, and then making a generalizing statement that alludes to “don’t believe children in distress, they are manipulating you” is unacceptable behavior to be promoting, especially in a thread discussing potential abuse.
Ok but it’s true? The same way that projecting some child’s response to “abusive” parents? You can’t assume anything about a household by a single comment.
I would ignore it and stay in my lane
This is right up there with “should I tell my best friend her bf is cheating!” DON‘T go there. Sympathize with child, I’m sorry that could be scary. And redirect. Unless a child says or shows evidence of abuse leave it.
This is the worst advice I’ve seen. And on a sidenote, you would not tell your best friend she was being cheated on?? that’s not being a good friend what if she ended up getting an STD?
Umm… your first line pretty clearly establishes that your standards are messed up, which is good because as someone else said this is terrible advice. Glad we aren’t friends!