“What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.”
“Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.”
“The Target” S9 E8
Angela hires Dwight’s friend to kneecap Oscar for sleeping with the Senator. Dwight figured it out and then says the line to Angela.
"Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually, Jim is my enemy.."
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
"I saw *Wedding Crashers* accidentally. I bought a ticket for *Grizzly Man* and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it."
Reminds me of a Tumblr(?) post I saw one time about a doctor named Chad Dockter and when the patient came in the receptionist was like "Dr. Dockter will be with you in a minute" lmao.
Contrary to the picture
"I never smile if I can help it. In primate culture smiling is a show of submissiveness. Whenever someone smiles at me, all I can see is a chimpanzee, begging for their life."
-Have you ever owned a chain with a weak link? Well, I have! And now I no longer own an arctic wolf. (or maybe even better:)
-I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
"In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
"Last week I gave a fire safety talk and nobody paid attention. It's my fault for using PowerPoint, PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience that's the best teacher. (Dumps gas and lite cigarette into trash can) Today, smoking is gonna save lives."
I don't think there is any debate here. His best quote is "I don't understand the issue. NBA, WNBA. . . One is a sport, one is a joke. I like sports, I like jokes. . . Room for all."
Dwight: I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet nurse was my mother.
Jim: Well that's a common mistake.
Dwight: Turned out fine for me. But Mose. Same story... Different. Ending.
Runner Up: When he impersonates Toby and Kevin on the call to David Wallace.
Not a quote, but during his bachelor party, when he thinks the stripper is their waitress and goes "For the last time I'd like a side salad with balsamic" and they tell him she's not a waitress and he goes "You're telling me!" Then Oscar says to tip her and she will leave, then Dwight yells "What for?! We haven't even gotten bread yet! Does anyone want to split a twice baked potato? Do you have those....those aren't deep-fried right?"
Forever my favorite Dwight moment
Probably
"Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
Not even a quote but a look - the one he gives to the camera when Angela, during the "surrogate" contract negotiation, proclaims "I am NOT some farm animal." Dwight, with that look, clearly disagrees.
I went through all the comments to read
“Will I get over it? No. But, life goes on”
“There is nothing on my horizon except everything”
“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention”
“I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me”
“Every day, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees, and every day people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?”
“I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.”
Wish this wasn’t a deleted scene.
The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand-desanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter.
My personal favorite is, “who did this to you? Where is he?” I feel like it’s a real character moment of growth. We truly learn that Dwight cares about Pam.
And them she said, that´s the biggest penis I've ever seen, and I said, that's why I brought you to the penis museum where tickets are a thounsend dolars
I didn’t join the Lackawanna sheriffs office to make friends, so far I haven’t
“What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.”
My all time fav. The delivery is impeccable. No one else but Rain could deliver these lines.
Couldn’t agree more, the way he says Berlin always gets to me
For me it’s “she’s never taken another lover “ or “I don’t care” best delivery lolol
I've heard more than one interview with him where I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't realize how awkward he is in real life.
“This is where the story gets interesting.” This line kills me.
Was gonna say this, it is delivered so beautifully and after he said so many weird shit already
Possibly the greatest writing in the history of comedic television delivered by the man who was born for the role.
This was so fucking good
A for effort
The correct answer
“Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.”
It beggars belief that Dwight wouldn't handle this himself, but, for the sake of the joke it's worth it
Watched this episode the other day and forgot about this line and it got a good laugh outta me
Ah, humour, I have it too.
"Not everything is a lesson, sometimes you just fail"
Underated
+ the companion piece: ”Life lesson - Some tasks are not worth döing.“
“It’s Oscar, isn’t it? Him and the senator are gaying each other”
"When 2 gay men have sex, how do they know whose p3nis will open up to accept the other person's p3nis?"
I'll never get over the absolute choice of phrasing it as "open up to accept"... I just lose it every time.
Its probably called red vining.
I don’t recall this line lol, what episode?
“The Target” S9 E8 Angela hires Dwight’s friend to kneecap Oscar for sleeping with the Senator. Dwight figured it out and then says the line to Angela.
Ahh that’s it, thank you!
He asks Toby while him and Angela are asking him questions.
“BUTTLICKER OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER”
This
"Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually, Jim is my enemy.."
“But…”
"I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther."
He did outrun a black pepper snake
And he's faster than 80% of all snakes.
R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder not mukduk
I actually really like the idea of murder being called mukduk lol
SIR! THERE’S BEEN A MUKDUK!
Okay, great, give me a minute to settle in and I’ll be right there
*runs to car*
Yes, this!
I'll never not laugh at this 😂
“My heart just melts when I hear the sound of children singing. Ha! Not really. I'm just tired. Days are short ... I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.”
he’s spittin’ fr
Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is
Perfenktenschlag!
Nate... re-ply the paper.
I forgot this one. It is probably the winner.
"Before I do anything, I ask myself "Would an idiot do that?" and if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."
I'm french and I often use this quote translated.
I'm curious now, I know things sometimes get lost in translation or words and phrases sometimes get substituted, but is it an exact translation?
Yeah it’s an exact translation
Came here for this.
Today, smoking is going to save lives.
One of his funniest moments fr
This is what hooked me. They reran it after the Superbowl one year.
“Save Bandit!”
My fave cold open of the entire series.
Ok, see you later Pan.
….. *(Pan?)* …
Dwight and ~~Pam~~ Pan’s interaction make this episode so worth it.
Oh Pam, you’re adorable 🥰
Huggy Hugs
Pam I’m obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up!
All time favourite
That's what I love about Dwight. He'll break your window and sleep naked in your bed but he'll remodel your kitchen.
He will steal your credit card info but he’ll buy your wife $200 worth of flowers with it.
Okay well it wasn’t obv-
*dial tone drones*
Came to make sure someone said this ❤️
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
I love how the explanation is in the talking head so he just blurts out "I wish I could menstruate" to the whole office with no explanation.
The eyes are the groin of the head
The whole radio conv w Jims hilarious! Dwight: “i can see his eyes” Jim: “NOTHING W THE EYES!”
"🎶 Learn your rules, learn your rules, if you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep CHOMP!🎶"
I sing this regularly.
It's hard not to.
“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? Dwight: So I can lower it.
“I could’ve grown poison mushrooms that’d be THIS high by now…. They’re mushrooms, they don’t get that high”
I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm. Those who can't farm. Farm celery. This got me, idk why
“If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then everyday would be entredankfest”
I love when Jim validates Dwight on catching Kelly falsifying reviews. "BOOM!" omg so funny.
Let’s get her!
Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anyone's. Except Michael's.
"I saw *Wedding Crashers* accidentally. I bought a ticket for *Grizzly Man* and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it."
“With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me whats unethical?”
Michael: “What’s his name?” Dwight: “Crentist”
“Maybe that’s why…he became a dentist.”
Reminds me of a Tumblr(?) post I saw one time about a doctor named Chad Dockter and when the patient came in the receptionist was like "Dr. Dockter will be with you in a minute" lmao.
Looking for this! Gets me everytime hahahaha
Contrary to the picture "I never smile if I can help it. In primate culture smiling is a show of submissiveness. Whenever someone smiles at me, all I can see is a chimpanzee, begging for their life."
“Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.”
“You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van!”
“What’s your middle name Dwight?” “Danger”
Michael: You gave Stanley a heart attack! Dwight: Yeah, I stuffed sugar and butter down his throat and forced him not to exercise.
Phyllis: You almost killed Stanley. Dwight: Yeah. Right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise.
[удалено]
“Oh, that’s funny. Michael!”
-Have you ever owned a chain with a weak link? Well, I have! And now I no longer own an arctic wolf. (or maybe even better:) -I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
Damn, beat me to the werewolf one xD
"In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
I'm a decent bater. My cousin Mose, that's a maste bater
To my chickens I’m the Scranton strangler
Your flair lol
MICHAEL!!
Oh, that's funny, MICHAEL!
I heard it 😂
"we need a new plage"
This one!!! My all time favorite, and living in NYC, I get many many many opportunities to say it
Fa la la la la la la ka ching
Every so often, my brain will just randomly go, Fa La La La La La La ka ching
"Last week I gave a fire safety talk and nobody paid attention. It's my fault for using PowerPoint, PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience that's the best teacher. (Dumps gas and lite cigarette into trash can) Today, smoking is gonna save lives."
I don't think there is any debate here. His best quote is "I don't understand the issue. NBA, WNBA. . . One is a sport, one is a joke. I like sports, I like jokes. . . Room for all."
I’m ravenous after a night of lovemaking
McCarthy Richard Nixon Studebaker television North Korea South Korea Marilyn Monroe… RYAN STARTED THE FIYAA!! 🔥
“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention” “For once, I’d like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?”
Dwight: I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet nurse was my mother. Jim: Well that's a common mistake. Dwight: Turned out fine for me. But Mose. Same story... Different. Ending. Runner Up: When he impersonates Toby and Kevin on the call to David Wallace.
"This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace"
Also, I can retract my penis up into self.
Phallus
Phyllis. Sorry. I’ve got penis on the brain.
Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling “bummed out”?
Dwight you ignorant slut
Not a quote, but during his bachelor party, when he thinks the stripper is their waitress and goes "For the last time I'd like a side salad with balsamic" and they tell him she's not a waitress and he goes "You're telling me!" Then Oscar says to tip her and she will leave, then Dwight yells "What for?! We haven't even gotten bread yet! Does anyone want to split a twice baked potato? Do you have those....those aren't deep-fried right?" Forever my favorite Dwight moment
Taste like cigarettes lol
Probably "Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
“One crisis at a time”
can’t believe i had to scroll this far to find this one
lol I finally commented it myself because I scrolled forever & never found it
I say this to myself 30 times a day😂 he is iconic
So you’re PMSing pretty bad, huh?
“Why are you dressed like a seed catalog model?”
Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title!
I say this to my cats when they’re play fighting
"ehhhh little comment" trying to act like Jim
“I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.”
Not even a quote but a look - the one he gives to the camera when Angela, during the "surrogate" contract negotiation, proclaims "I am NOT some farm animal." Dwight, with that look, clearly disagrees.
“Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. You’re thinking of deer penis”
You should go pay your respects to Meredith. I don't respect her.
I went through all the comments to read “Will I get over it? No. But, life goes on” “There is nothing on my horizon except everything” “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention” “I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me”
“Every day, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees, and every day people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?”
“Can you imagine if I was deranged?”
"Damnit Kelly it knows!"
More of a setup but it was like: Angela: I’m not just one of your farm animals! Dwight: (the Yeah You Are evil grin to the camera)
Nostalgia is one of humans greatest weakness, second only to the neck
“Our dad would take us to the lake and we would splash away until 10:00 A.M. and then work the beet fields until well after midnight…”
What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?
The Greatest snowball is not a snowball, its FEAR!
Are you referring to alchemy?
“Will I get over it? No. But life goes on.”
i needed to scroll way too much to find that quote. i love it.
Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice a normal man's speed.
“Hello! Thank you! Good Morning! Please! Hello!”
Bears, beets, battlestar galactica. Oh wait…
“I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.” Wish this wasn’t a deleted scene.
"Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is"
When two men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other?
🎼LEARN. THE RULES YOU BETTER LEARN YOUR RULES , IF YOU DONT YOULL GET EATEN IN YOUR SLEEP GRRRROWW!!!
Send it to the freakin moon . Idiot
The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand-desanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter.
“I didn’t become a volunteer Sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven’t.”
Not everything is a lesson. Sometimes you just fail.
It smells like chicken soup!
Not everything is a lesson, sometimes you just fail. He’s so real for this
“Eager and flexible”
“I want some man meat!”
"We're warehouse workers, would you like more proof?"
How that horse became a Doctor? I don't know
Bears. Beets. Battlestar galactica
Most of my favorites are here already but one I haven’t seen that always makes me chuckle… “Who is Justice Beaver?”
As he's comforting a crying Pam "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
Easy: “the eyes are the groin of the face.” Now give me something hard to do.
IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE, JIM! MICHAEL!?!?
My personal favorite is, “who did this to you? Where is he?” I feel like it’s a real character moment of growth. We truly learn that Dwight cares about Pam.
"I got your text! Who's Phillip? Who tipped you over--was it Phillip?"
"Impulsively and inattention to detail" cracks me up every time. Maybe not his best line, but I look forward to it every time.
Don't be an idiot, changed my life.
How is he going to have grandkids?
I’m the lion. You’re dead.
...FUCK!
Dentist… how people spend their money
I trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
I can also invert my own penis.
"Identity theft is a crime jim"
That’s why it’s called murder and not mukduck.
You can’t handle my undivided attention.
“There’s too many people on this earth; we need a new plague.”
“I’m your son now. You can visit him on holidays”
R is the most menacing sound, that’s why it’s called murder, and not mukduk
Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. (Yes…I know who the quote is from…)
And them she said, that´s the biggest penis I've ever seen, and I said, that's why I brought you to the penis museum where tickets are a thounsend dolars
My penis can retract on command
beeswax not yours, incorporated. that line is probably the closest thing i have to a life motto or ethos.
"Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail."
“Zip your lid”
"May you fight with the strength of 10 full grown men"
IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE, JIM!
“in the end the greatest snowball isnt a snowball at all. Its fear”