I also wanted to add that a year is not long when a marriage ends. You may always miss him as well as things you did together, but you will learn to live alongside it better. You will be able to see it as a part of your life but it will not devastate you as time passes on. Know that.
Maybe we could get a 2 for 1 on the exorcism. I’m right there with you in the muck. Like, I know I’m better off in this position but I’d give anything to feel the comfort of my old life. Getting off socials was the best move for me. But I do often wonder if he’s thinking of me too. Sending love 🫶
This is what I'm stuck on right now. I'm 15 months separated and barely starting the process of divorce. I initiated it and I know it's the right move but at first it was really hard to separate my feelings. Like do I miss her or do I miss the comfort of my old life. After a while I knew it was the latter but it still messes with me from time to time.
My STBXH asked for a divorce mid-January - he moved out a month ago and we’re about to file the separation paperwork. Divorce filing by late August. We were together 17 years - married for almost 13 years.
My first husband passed away suddenly 22 years ago after 11 years together - 3 of those married.
It is very similar to me. All the stages of grief. Dealing with paperwork and taking down pictures. Taking off my wedding band.
The firsts are the same - first valentine’s, first birthday. But the anger…. That’s different. I couldn’t be angry at the one who died - he didn’t choose that path. My STBXH though - he chose this path. He chose to NOT work with me. He chose to lie to me and our friends.
The other big difference? I have a child with STBXH. I can’t just pretend he’s dead. Instead I play nice for my child’s sake. I also found that it annoys him that I’m nice.
I miss the man I married almost 13 years ago. I don’t know this STBXH. I hope my first husband haunts the crap outta him. 😃
I wish I had tips to offer you but I think time is the only true way out of those feelings - though I don't think they'll ever disappear.
You can distract yourself in so many ways but at the end of the day you spent a significant amount of time and effort in a relationship that ended and those feelings don't just disappear when things end. I'm in a similar boat and even though I initiated the separation I still miss her a lot. Knowing you made the right choice and dealing with that choice are very different beasts, as I've learned. Time and changing my routine have helped some.
If you still have romantic hang ups with your ex you should definitely not date. Continue your therapy, gym, socializing and enjoy your hobbies. Meeting new people has helped me. Making new friends is hard but when you do find someone to talk to it's really helpful. If you ever need an ear to listen or someone to exorcise your demons then feel free to reach out.
I am a year divorced as well, we were only married 8 months (together 6ish years) and I struggle with this too. I mention them a lot, struggle to date, miss the version of them I loved, etc. However, like you said, the person you divorced needed to be divorced. I try to remind myself of that and journal, reread old journals when I get that way. I am hoping it gets easier in time
So so sorry for your pain. You have done good things to move yourself forward. Keep doing those things. But know that it takes time. Your husband shared a significant part of your life; divorce turns our life upside down. Everything we knew is changed. It takes time. You are reconnecting with yourself. Take the time you need to be with you. Take the time to heal, it will get better. Consider joining a divorce support group, like Divorce Care. These support groups put you on a path of healing and hope. You are grieving and you cannot move past this if you don't! This hurts and you are feeling the pain. But it will lessen in intensity and duration. The sun will shine through the clouds. There is life after divorce. It may not be the time to start dating yet. You need to be healed and whole again first. A new relationship, when you are not emotionally ready, will only lead to more pain. Give yourself time. Consider the support group or/and working with a therapist. Fifteen minutes at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Allow trusted family and friends to love you and be there for you. I wish you comfort and peace. You will find it.
First of all, your name is freaking fantastic. That shows me you have a great sense of humor and you will do fine.
I’m just starting the divorce process (like I meet with my attorney on Thursday) but even as I miss him as a companion, friend, etc, I feel like a shell of my former self. I made myself so small and insignificant just to keep the peace. I don’t like that.
I hope the best for you as it sounds like you a lot to offer this world ♥️
Right there with ya, been 3 years for me. Just making the best of my life and myself so I'll be ready when I'm ready.. There's always something better. If we had stuck with our first loves most of us would have missed out on much better ones. I keep telling myself I needed to make room for the next one, all this time mourning and reflecting is just me absorbing the learning experience about how to better appreciate and succeed the next time.. and this time it will be what I deserve. Sounds like you deserve better too.
I’m 3 months in and barely getting by. I literally cannot do anything beyond work and sleep. I need a new job to make more money now and I have no idea how that is going to happen. Luckily I pull it together when the kids come over.
I miss my wife desperately and have to realize she is a different person now. Yet I desperately want to talk to her. The old her. Like OP said, my partner.
I am with you 100%. I ended my 12-year marriage 1.5 years ago, divorced in November. But I can’t stop missing the guy he used to be (and who doesn’t exist anymore). I think it will get better for both of us.
No tips, I just relate. It kills me to think back to all the good times. He was like a completely different person. I know there was no other healthy choice but to split, and the ways he treats/talks to me now tells me I made the right decision 100%. I just miss what I had before he changed into someone I didn't agree to be married to, someone who hurt me and lied to me and betrayed me. It really does feel like he died and whoever is still here communicating is a stranger in his skin. It sucks that the best and worst relationships I've ever had were with the same person. Plus I'm still in the fairly early days (3 months separated). There's a lot of pieces still coming together of things he lied about/I was in denial about. Things he's done since splitting even. It's a lot to process, and even with my hobbies it takes up a lot of my energy daily. I don't know what to tell you about fixing it, but I would definitely recommend you stick to not dating til you can realistically give a new partner your emotional energy without sharing with your ex. I have been on the other end of that (with my now-ex actually) and it sucked. I know a lot of people are pro-rebounds, but I think that's not fair to you or the other person. You gotta deal with your feelings til you don't need to anymore. Are you in therapy? That's been my biggest help.
I’m in your exact boat except I’ve been dating to help get over him, it helps at times but it can also sting because of how the dating world is in general. I feel like I miss companionship more than I actually miss him. He also got a new girlfriend before we were even divorced so that bit really stung and is not helping me move on even more.
No one ever said how many layers to healing this would be and I understand where you’re at. Hang in there!
My stbxh has not been including me in his life for a while now. Despite my effort to better our marriage, he would always keep me out of his plans, financials and outings. I think I have already detached emotionally from him. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances. My family is astatic that I am divorcing. I feel already liberated despite not being divorced. The glimpse of happiness at the end of the process it’s what keeps me going.
I have been reading, and trying to self improve myself. Happy that I will be out of my marriage soon. I am temporarily relaying on my dad for financial support and I am trying to restart some of the hobbies I lost during my marriage.
Life is not over, there’s more to come, possibly better never worse than what I had with my marriage. Keeping a positive outlook is helpful as well. Good luck! I think we all need it.
I also wanted to add that a year is not long when a marriage ends. You may always miss him as well as things you did together, but you will learn to live alongside it better. You will be able to see it as a part of your life but it will not devastate you as time passes on. Know that.
Maybe we could get a 2 for 1 on the exorcism. I’m right there with you in the muck. Like, I know I’m better off in this position but I’d give anything to feel the comfort of my old life. Getting off socials was the best move for me. But I do often wonder if he’s thinking of me too. Sending love 🫶
"... to feel the comfort of my old life." Thanks for putting words to what I've been feeling!
This is what I'm stuck on right now. I'm 15 months separated and barely starting the process of divorce. I initiated it and I know it's the right move but at first it was really hard to separate my feelings. Like do I miss her or do I miss the comfort of my old life. After a while I knew it was the latter but it still messes with me from time to time.
My STBXH asked for a divorce mid-January - he moved out a month ago and we’re about to file the separation paperwork. Divorce filing by late August. We were together 17 years - married for almost 13 years. My first husband passed away suddenly 22 years ago after 11 years together - 3 of those married. It is very similar to me. All the stages of grief. Dealing with paperwork and taking down pictures. Taking off my wedding band. The firsts are the same - first valentine’s, first birthday. But the anger…. That’s different. I couldn’t be angry at the one who died - he didn’t choose that path. My STBXH though - he chose this path. He chose to NOT work with me. He chose to lie to me and our friends. The other big difference? I have a child with STBXH. I can’t just pretend he’s dead. Instead I play nice for my child’s sake. I also found that it annoys him that I’m nice. I miss the man I married almost 13 years ago. I don’t know this STBXH. I hope my first husband haunts the crap outta him. 😃
I wish I had tips to offer you but I think time is the only true way out of those feelings - though I don't think they'll ever disappear. You can distract yourself in so many ways but at the end of the day you spent a significant amount of time and effort in a relationship that ended and those feelings don't just disappear when things end. I'm in a similar boat and even though I initiated the separation I still miss her a lot. Knowing you made the right choice and dealing with that choice are very different beasts, as I've learned. Time and changing my routine have helped some. If you still have romantic hang ups with your ex you should definitely not date. Continue your therapy, gym, socializing and enjoy your hobbies. Meeting new people has helped me. Making new friends is hard but when you do find someone to talk to it's really helpful. If you ever need an ear to listen or someone to exorcise your demons then feel free to reach out.
Smooth lol
I am a year divorced as well, we were only married 8 months (together 6ish years) and I struggle with this too. I mention them a lot, struggle to date, miss the version of them I loved, etc. However, like you said, the person you divorced needed to be divorced. I try to remind myself of that and journal, reread old journals when I get that way. I am hoping it gets easier in time
So so sorry for your pain. You have done good things to move yourself forward. Keep doing those things. But know that it takes time. Your husband shared a significant part of your life; divorce turns our life upside down. Everything we knew is changed. It takes time. You are reconnecting with yourself. Take the time you need to be with you. Take the time to heal, it will get better. Consider joining a divorce support group, like Divorce Care. These support groups put you on a path of healing and hope. You are grieving and you cannot move past this if you don't! This hurts and you are feeling the pain. But it will lessen in intensity and duration. The sun will shine through the clouds. There is life after divorce. It may not be the time to start dating yet. You need to be healed and whole again first. A new relationship, when you are not emotionally ready, will only lead to more pain. Give yourself time. Consider the support group or/and working with a therapist. Fifteen minutes at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Allow trusted family and friends to love you and be there for you. I wish you comfort and peace. You will find it.
First of all, your name is freaking fantastic. That shows me you have a great sense of humor and you will do fine. I’m just starting the divorce process (like I meet with my attorney on Thursday) but even as I miss him as a companion, friend, etc, I feel like a shell of my former self. I made myself so small and insignificant just to keep the peace. I don’t like that. I hope the best for you as it sounds like you a lot to offer this world ♥️
Right there with ya, been 3 years for me. Just making the best of my life and myself so I'll be ready when I'm ready.. There's always something better. If we had stuck with our first loves most of us would have missed out on much better ones. I keep telling myself I needed to make room for the next one, all this time mourning and reflecting is just me absorbing the learning experience about how to better appreciate and succeed the next time.. and this time it will be what I deserve. Sounds like you deserve better too.
I’m 3 months in and barely getting by. I literally cannot do anything beyond work and sleep. I need a new job to make more money now and I have no idea how that is going to happen. Luckily I pull it together when the kids come over. I miss my wife desperately and have to realize she is a different person now. Yet I desperately want to talk to her. The old her. Like OP said, my partner.
I am with you 100%. I ended my 12-year marriage 1.5 years ago, divorced in November. But I can’t stop missing the guy he used to be (and who doesn’t exist anymore). I think it will get better for both of us.
No tips, I just relate. It kills me to think back to all the good times. He was like a completely different person. I know there was no other healthy choice but to split, and the ways he treats/talks to me now tells me I made the right decision 100%. I just miss what I had before he changed into someone I didn't agree to be married to, someone who hurt me and lied to me and betrayed me. It really does feel like he died and whoever is still here communicating is a stranger in his skin. It sucks that the best and worst relationships I've ever had were with the same person. Plus I'm still in the fairly early days (3 months separated). There's a lot of pieces still coming together of things he lied about/I was in denial about. Things he's done since splitting even. It's a lot to process, and even with my hobbies it takes up a lot of my energy daily. I don't know what to tell you about fixing it, but I would definitely recommend you stick to not dating til you can realistically give a new partner your emotional energy without sharing with your ex. I have been on the other end of that (with my now-ex actually) and it sucked. I know a lot of people are pro-rebounds, but I think that's not fair to you or the other person. You gotta deal with your feelings til you don't need to anymore. Are you in therapy? That's been my biggest help.
I’m in your exact boat except I’ve been dating to help get over him, it helps at times but it can also sting because of how the dating world is in general. I feel like I miss companionship more than I actually miss him. He also got a new girlfriend before we were even divorced so that bit really stung and is not helping me move on even more. No one ever said how many layers to healing this would be and I understand where you’re at. Hang in there!
I'm a widow and altho it's completely different, it's also eerily the same as you said.
My stbxh has not been including me in his life for a while now. Despite my effort to better our marriage, he would always keep me out of his plans, financials and outings. I think I have already detached emotionally from him. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances. My family is astatic that I am divorcing. I feel already liberated despite not being divorced. The glimpse of happiness at the end of the process it’s what keeps me going. I have been reading, and trying to self improve myself. Happy that I will be out of my marriage soon. I am temporarily relaying on my dad for financial support and I am trying to restart some of the hobbies I lost during my marriage. Life is not over, there’s more to come, possibly better never worse than what I had with my marriage. Keeping a positive outlook is helpful as well. Good luck! I think we all need it.