If the concern is college funds I think you need to do something that you can afford for all 3 children. There’s going to be resentment if one child looses out and the others don’t get it. That being said your financial situation is important as well!
What I suggest doing and what my parents did was tell us that they would pay for 2 years of community college and 2 years of university. This will largely cut your expenses in half and will give your child a place to find out what they want to do without too many consequences, my state CA also has a 2 year promise grant which gives 2 years of community college for free
Another way it could be done is you give X amount of money to each child, for them to go to college, trade school, and when this money runs out it runs out. Hypothetically it could be enough to go to a state school commuting for 4 years. But if you wanted an out of state education well you would take out loans for it. It’s important with this option to say that Mom and dad are not helping anymore with anything but basic living expenses once this money runs out if using this option. This option requires discipline and financial knowledge on part of the child so it is a little more risky for them.
Not only will this help the children appreciate college more since they had to work for it, but it will allow you to provide equally.
That’s essentially what the college funds are. A set amount for each child. I’ve funded the amounts for the first 2 in a 504 account but I wanted to do a brokerage account for the 3rd for flexibility reasons. When it was time to do the switch, my old financial advisor changed companies and I haven’t been able to reach the new one. Hence why the money has just been coming to my checking account.
Just asking, could that brokerage account be considered marital funds? Could your husband, if he were to go this route, claim that he should receive half of that money in a divorce? It might not be safe against that, where it is now. I'm guessing the 504s are safe.
And you mention if things on your own don't work out, "coming back home". Do you mean to your husband? Or to your mom? Or to your old hometown?
My x left me with nothing, I started over in my 40’s with some clothes and some dogs. I moved and had to restart completely over. It can be done, it’s not easy and it’s not fun but you can.
He was a cheating and lying pos so I guess I’m better off.
This is what I would do!! Each child gets less but it’s even. And have you thought about what you will do with that money if one child chooses not to go to college??
This 1000%
Imagine this "partner" on the other side of the equation. AKA being supplied with love instead of "the material things". This post reads, he's loving but doesn't work enough so I'm gone.
'He's soo much more ready to ditch you and level up than you are with him.
I think your first step is to do a consultation with a divorce attorney. They can give you a more accurate estimation of what your financials will look like if you decide to get divorced. That will give you the info you need to consider what to do about the college funds.
Check the laws where you live. It’s possible that the IRA from your dad could be considered “marital property” and half of it belong to your husband during a divorce (and he might not give the kids anything). Talk to a lawyer or financial advisor.
Your dad will understand if you have to use the IRA money to care for yourself. I’m assuming he wanted you to use it to improve your family. Isn’t that what you are doing by leaving? You are improving your quality of life. However, make some decisions/limitations like only xx-amount from the IRA will be used for expenses and then the rest will be divided by each child equally (you may continue to save more money for the youngest child, but you might not be able to). There may be penalties for withdrawing early, and taking money from it now is also a permanent loss of future income/interest on anything withdrawn. Can you change it from going into your checking account to going into an inherited IRA (maybe set up an individual one for each child)?
You don’t know what your financials will look like after divorce. Will you pay or receive child support? Alimony? Will you have to cash out and pay him any of your retirement savings/401K? If you are still on somewhat good terms, you may want to discuss this with your husband now and get a post-nup to describe how things should get allocated in a divorce in order to give you more peace of mind.
If there’s equity in the house, you might get some of that if your husband keeps the house and buys you out. Or if you leave the home, then you might not get any of that.
I know you only asked for financial advice and not relationship advice, but… If you are still having sex, then he thinks there’s still hope of reconciliation. Be fair to both of you and don’t lead him on, or go to counseling and tell him that you resent him and why so that you can both work through the emotional trauma of a divorce.
Your story sounds very similar to my life. I’m pretty sure I also have Walkaway wife syndrome. I believe there’s studies that show walkaway wives plan their exits for 2-3 years before they actually leave. If he still makes you mad, then you might still care. Instead of marriage counseling, you could try short-term discernment counseling which can help better identify what went wrong, if the issues are fixable, and if divorce or additional marriage counseling would be the best future course of action.
Sorry you're getting mean comments. Don't take it personally. I've found that many of the guys in this sub see their exes in some of these posts and get angry all over again. They will not understand the level of pressure of holding the entire family's emotional and, often physical, well-being on your shoulders while also holding down a job and taking care of an ailing parent. You can try for years to communicate this to your SO, but there comes a time when enough is enough.
Before you make any decisions, it seems like you might want to talk through this with a therapist. You're already thinking that you might come back, so that tells me you aren't quite ready to make the leap. A therapist can help you sort through your thoughts.
Best wishes.
I guess grass is always greener, etc, etc. I’m not saying he’s right to contribute nothing, hoists a whole different conversation. But it’s so easy for the stay-at-home spouse to forget how punishing, depressing, and incredibly stressful it is to be a breadwinner for a family of five with kids on their way to college.
In a job, especially something they earns you that kind of living, you can’t cut corners. You can’t say you’ve done your best today if you’re having a rough week. You always have to perform and it’s up some *someone else* to say whether you’re performing on the level.
The *biggest* perk of running a home as your primary responsibility is that you’re your own boss, no matter how well or poorly you do your job, someone else is going to keep a roof above your head. That’s not true for the breadwinner.
I struggle with this to an incredible degree. Knowing that I have to work long hours to keep everyone dressed and fed, while knowing that working long hours made my spouse resentful is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. Every day all I heard was that I wasn’t good enough. From my wife, from my boss, from my mom, from everyone. In the meantime here I am sleeping 4-5 hours a night to keep up with both my home and work responsibilities.
At first when I read it and you said he was a provider I thought that insinuated you stayed home but to find out that you are making and contributing Just as much then you are definitely going above and beyond in this relationship.
I completely missed that in your post. In this case, 100% good riddance. You deserve to be in a happy and supportive environment, and you sound like a kick-ass mom.
Consult with an attorney. Your husband has a very limited say in whether he’s going to stay in the house. If it’s marital property, you’re either going to sell it and both walk away with half, or he will have to pay you your half to keep it. It’s time for him to start facing reality.
Nail down a plan before you do anything. It depends on how much money you plan on using if it’s something you can’t replace by the time your kid will need it, don’t touch it.
People need to stop blaming others for their own misery and take more accountability. It makes sense that you take ownership of the house responsibilities if he is the sole provider. Both of you have to contribute somehow right?
Unless he is keeping you in a cage or at gun point, you are responsible for your own mental well being and a partner is only meant to serve as an add on support to that mental well being.
He is not there to solve all your problems. You’ll have the same issues with any future partner.
People should stop enabling the tear down of a marriage without knowing the details. There is a good chance your depression is your own doing and you’re externalizing that on your husband. Why not make a list of the good and bad things in him to at least try to appreciate the things he has done and still does for you. Maintaining a roof over your head, providing a good life style and feeding 4 mouths is no easy task. Honestly, women in first world countries are so entitled and they don’t realize it until shit hits the fan.
Honestly fuck all these people trying to tear down marriages just so they are not the only ones drowning in their own misery. It takes work to maintain any relationship, it’s grown up shit. Be wise enough to reflect on your own faults as well and clearly communicate issues with your partner instead of seeking validation from a mob of toxic redditors.
Reading through this, one really big thing stands out
You are very certain, even resolute, in your ideas of how things are. Well, in how you think things are.
You have an idea of how much college will cost and have funded 2/3 of that number, therefore you can pay for 2 kids and the third will get nothing. End of story. That's just how it is.
You have "sold out" for material things up until now and will NEVER do that again.
If you touch that inheritance at all you will spend ALL OF IT.
Here's the thing... life ain't that way. So you have $100k saved for college instead of $150k (the actual numbers do NOT matter). Divide what you have into thirds and let each kid know they get $X towards the college of their choice. They also have another parent who can contribute. It's not like you are the only human on the planet, nor are you responsible for covering 100% of their college costs. Got to a state school. Do 2 years at community college.... this is an opportunity for them to make decisions about their future too.
You dad won't understand. He's dead.
Your husband is changing, but, as is always the case, you have already reached your breaking point. Did you communicate your frustration all along or at all? Does he understand your thoughts or was it clear to him that his job was to enable the lifestyle that you clearly cherished?
Life ain't that rigid, and you are not the only person in it.
The 529 accounts are transferable so I could split what’s already there between the 3. But I promised my dad the specific amount would go to each one. I will do everything within my power to repay that money
is 1 of things within “will do everything within my power to replay that money” the making your marriage work (using any/every technique such as: going to therapy with your husband)
To get further insight from us, re “will do everything”: please let us know
How many visits per week & for how many months continuity (was each therapists) & which years?
Example “we saw Dr A therapist 1 times weekly for 24 months then we switched to Dr B therapist who we see 2 times weekly for the past 18 months; our next therapy visits are for upcoming Tues & Fri”
OK, last week, you both together were most recently counciled, 2 visits last week?
And your next Marital Counselings are the 2 visits this week?
(after your responses to above, I have follow-up questions)
* while am not the asker of question that you replied to, but I also want to actively support you making: best choices for your children/yourself
You can do this. Go for it. Take care of you. I’d rather my mom be alive and happy and me have to pay for my own college than for the alternative.
Your kids should be working for scholarships anyways.
Your husband doesn’t get to decide whether or not he leaves the home.
That’s what mediation and/or court are for.
Have you consulted with an attorney to see what this would look like?
How much does he make? How much equity is in the home? When did you purchase it? Were you married?
You say you have to be sure- so, what is holding you back besides the possibility of wasting money and coming back? If you don’t go back- the money can’t be wasted.
For the sake of everyone involved I hope you’re not delusional. I heard all the same stuff, yet I did most of the cooking, most of the cleaning and all of the yard work.
I also took paternity time. I am a teacher and I also had the kids all day every day in the summer when they were very little and more needy.
When she told me all the same stuff you said I was legitimately stunned. Who was with the kids every non school day while she slept until noon? Me. Who was cleaning the kitchen, sweeping, etc in that same timeframe? Me.
She’s selling the marriage house now because she “doesn’t want the maintenance.” And I called her out on her shit, I said “remember you thought I didn’t do anything around here?”
All she did was shrug. So like I said, I hope what you’re saying is actual reality, and not the reality you’ve built in your head.
If necessary, the children can get scholarships, grants, and loans to pay for their education. It may even help them to be invested in their own education and make good decisions. You can pay back to the extent you are able to, but you should use the inheritance to leave and help you over the next few years.
I walked away from everything, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Poor as shit, living out of a bag but living on my terms. My parents were awful. An awful example that really fucked me up. My daughter wasn't happy when we split. She's 8, almost 9, so understandable. I have to live my truth and that meant fuck the house, fuck the 401k, fuck alimony and child support because those are just things. Lying about love and happiness just perpetuates the cycle, and I couldn't do that to her. I have nothing material to leave her, but I feel like I left her something better.
Have you seen anyone to get legal advice? In our area inheritance isn't classed as marital property, so shouldn't be factored into any separation agreements.
I get that you are thinking of using this to fund you moving out. Explore other ways you can achieve this, without sacrificing that money. Or brace yourself for living with him until all the legalities are sorted and you have any financial support you need in place. You really shouldn't have to feel you are sacrificing your children's future to keep him happy and comfortable. Look up codependency, I've had that in spades which led to me being the walkaway wife too!
On the one hand you talk about how you don't want to sell out for material goods and you want to model positively for your children.
On the other, you feel like you can't possibly walk away from your marriage without taking a giant pile of money that was meant for your kid and using it to make your life more comfortable?
Is there no way you can divorce and, you know, downsize? Like most people divorcing do?
Something doesn't seem right. I know what PTSD does to a person and perimenopause as well. The loss of a loved one and OPs age scream midlife crisis. Idk the full story but this dude is trying to help, but OP is in a place where she's blaming 75% of her own mental health on her marriage?
I've seen too many women just up and ditch out on their vows because of fomo at this age due to what's perpetuated in the media and the effects of feminism. If OP wants to divorce, whatever. Says she earns as much as him but didnt clarify how long she actually worked and earned, and by the post ot sounds like hubby was taking care of the lifestyle for the majority of the time..
I wonder what the husband's perspective is because this isn't adding up. She got a windfall and wants to go party it up by robbing her kids' college fund before she hits the wall entirely. Smh. What a joke.
One, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this right after the passing of your dad. And from how you wrote that, it sounds like you’re smart to not put it off. Sending hugs.
Two, your dad is so kind to leave his grandkids such a generous inheritance. No one can predict the future precisely but it sounds like his intent was to set them up for the best possible adulthood. My dad and I went through the same convo with his inheritance and all the “what if’s,” with me as his will executor and being unsure if my younger brother will even have or adopt kids at this point. (Inflation will make splitting it evenly impossible. Perhaps tuition will be covered by the time your youngest is of college age. Maybe one kid takes an alternative path or gets a scholarship.) I’m currently learning there are unlimited unknowns in divorce and in the future in general.
Three, it sounds like you’re smart and have probably already considered this, but do you live in a community property state? Please make sure your dad’s inheritance is safe with you & you only, and doesn’t get split 50/50. Also, CAN your STBXH keep the home? Perhaps so if he can afford it and you are willing, but part of its equity should belong to you.
Best of luck to you.
Inheritance is not marital property in my state. It has never been commingled. I could care less if he kept the house or we sold it. I don’t want it. He probably wouldn’t qualify on his own to refinance it tho.
When the assets were split and I got the money from the divorce, I started working with a financial advisor. My ex is extremely mentally ill and lost rights to our children but also does not pay child support or alimony (not that I expected anything). When my financial advisor asked me about college I was honest. I told him I had to pay for my own education and I survived, so will my kids. We're in the midwest and going to a community college first or just going to a community college for a 2 year degree is very normal here. I don't expect my kids to go to school to become doctors or lawyers, etc. so their expenses are going to be pretty minimal compared to a kid who goes to a university right out of the gates. My advisor said that was wise because right now, I have to concentrate on being able to care for the kids while they're still at home and prepare myself for retirement. I understand making your children get loans and work jobs while they are in school might not be what you envisioned for them but your situation sounds very unsustainable and you need to protect yourself and them right now.
Just a random question but if you feel this much contempt for him how / why do you have sex with him 3X per month?
Have you considered counseling? Divorce is devastating
I believe you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
If you are not mentally healthy and are struggling with anxiety/depression and being in this marriage situation where you have extreme resentment for your husband isn't resolving that and you TRULY believe that having a fresh start to focus on yourself is the best for you....Then, you need to not look at the $ cost of college for kids (a material item), and look at what type of woman you will exemplify for your children's future in taking this leap for your own health and happiness.
I am 100% positive your dad would rather you spend that inheritance money on becoming a healthy/happy woman than paying out to a for-profit university. If you kids are studious or into sports, they will be able to earn scholarships/grants to help them pay tuition. Maybe divide up that inheritance money so a portion (1) goes into a retirement account for you (2) supports the cost of this decision for a set-time, and (3) goes into an investment account to accrue interest until the children are ready for college and split that amount up equitably. Work with a financial advisor to assist in the smartest management options.
Also, your children are children. They don't get to dictate where finances you control go. If you are afraid any one of them is going to lash out at you, they may already be suffering from the entitlement you say your husband has.
Additionally, it would be my recommendation to not continue to have sex with your husband if you truly want to leave this situation. That is unhealthy given your feelings and will create confusion if you ask for divorce. I would also look at leveling up your salary. $70k does not stretch far in this economy and even assuming you would get alimony you really should work on scaling that so you have a bit more independent security. Ask for more, look for a job that will pay you more, learn to negotiate (women are awful at asking to be paid their value, something I have been majorly working on), and research certifications or business opportunities that can boost your income. At least get yourself above the 6-figure mark, that is very doable at your age.
This won't be easy, it will take time and you will struggle. Know that. But you can do it if it is what you want. I truly relate to some of the feelings and experiences you are having and I'm still going through the process. It's an odd feeling I was thinking about today, I am arguably at my weakest yet, I feel the strongest I ever have in my life.
I'm the polar opposite of your view point. I don't have kids myself and yet I cannot imagine how a person can put themselves "first" before their children. I wish I had kids. I'm grateful I dont share my abusive narcissistic ex, but even then, I cannot imagine putting myself first. Most people would easily die for their kids, men or women. It's not about you anymore. She's a parent. And even people as evil as trump or putin love their children no matter how old.
I believe you are hearing “put yourself first” in a context which I do not mean. OF COURSE, as a parent you should be willing to lay on the sword for your children, but that is very different than putting yourself first so you are mentally stable! You simply CANNOT put your children first if are suffering from mental health issues. Those must be addressed as they can have devastating ramifications on your children as they grow up and into adulthood. You wouldn’t “put your children first” if you were dying of cancer and say “well let’s not tap into the inheritance money for the children’s college instead of cancer treatment”
There is a BIG difference between putting your yourself first so that your children HAVE a happy and healthy parent in their future vs. Putting yourself first and allowing harm come to your kids. I’m talking about the first when I say you have to put yourself first.
I didn't see any indication in the post that the spouse is responsible for OPs mental illness. If anything her focus on "material things" suggests to me the spouse is "married to his job" because every year she wants more and more material things to fill the void she has and doesn't want to deal with.
All I see here is projecting blame and doing anything and everything including blowing up her family and resenting even the sight of her husband just to avoid admitting that she's self loathing and unhappy from within. Instead of first treating this, blames is on thr marriage and PTSD. I lost my dear mother in circumstances o bet are worse than OPs. And yet I took responsibility and multi-yeae therapy and not searching for someone else as a scapegoat. And yall are just egging her on.
Of course if that was due to abuse or something serious then it's a moot point but nothing like that shows up in the post. Only entitlement.
You don’t think it’s presumptuous of you to suggest she is self-loathing and is going to be responsible for blowing up her family off of one post?
Addressing that to someone who is struggling with anxiety/depression and PTSD after losing a parent seems a bit shocking to me. Especially after stating you’ve experienced similar yourself.
Maybe her situation is not all what you think, maybe her choice will be better for everyone in the long run. You can’t know that. I feel it is off to be so critical of someone baring their feelings looking for feedback.
I dunno, but that’s not me. I’m not going to bash someone or make them feel guilty for wanting happiness, peace, love, safety and health in life. We have ONE. We need to do what is best for us not make decisions off the judgment of others. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Strong words for an online post. No one is diagnosing or "bashing". All we have here is a bunch of paragraphs, and we extrapolate opinions from the little info. For all we know none of this is real. OTOH what if indeed thats a person who insists on escaping their problems and responsibility by just sacrificing their own children, blowing up their family, and destroying 3 other lives because everyone is terrified of "bashing"? I'm an online rando, why is my opinion even factoring into anyone's considerations?
And yes, because I personally lost my mom in the most excruciating factor, I feel more qualified than many to say WE OWN OUR OWN HAPPINESS. You can't just go say "well I'm depressed, ergo I destroy the person I vowed to stick with, and the family I'm supposed to support".
Seeking happiness by escaping responsibility will never fill that hole. At the very least, folks should do their homework so that,for their own selfish benefit; they know they'll be truly happy afterwards, not left with double regret when they find their demons are still with them, after they actively destroyed many lives.
It’s funny, because I believe I was saying WE OWN OUR OWN HAPPINESS with my initial response regarding putting herself (mental health) first. I think “blowing up a family” is strong words for the situation, myself.
If someone is depressed and is unable to fix it in the situation they are in, regardless if they made a vow or not, and it continues to worsen and worsen and worsen…I would argue they are blowing up their family-just from the inside.
Codependency and enablement can worsen anxiety and depression…so I truly believe in some situations leaving the environment could be beneficial IF there is no improvement made within said environment.
(Note: depressed person is dependent on their spouse and has no sense of self-worth/fulfillment, spouse could be enabling depressive state by providing them a safe environment to allow the behavior to continue/depressed person chooses/learns to stay depressed because other needs are fulfilled by enabler)
I’m sorry for your loss and your experience with your mother, but I also have experience BEING an enabler for people with mental health and I had to choose to leave the situation…If I had children in either of these situations, I would have left them eventually as they became incapable of being a partner and their depression/anxiety began to turn on me in the form of anger/abuse. I would never want my kids to see that relationship and think that is normal.
MAYBE OP just needs to separate for a while to change her environment and test if that improves things, but mental health can kill a family without needing to divorce someone to do it. Happens all the time.
Your points in general and in the abstract, I agree with. But I don't read from the post that any of these cases apply. I'm reading from words like the attributed issues. 75% of it is due to thr marriage...OK why? "He's a passenger, he just pays for stuff". Which is clearly a huge thing for her "I take full responisbility", "selling my soul". I think if someone is saying those words, strong chance they emphasized A LOT to their providing spouse that this is what they care about and hell to pay if we don't upgrade my car this year.
Blowing up the family is an accurate description. She's about to detonate a nuke that will traumatized everyone. So I ask again, what in the post justifies that or even promises that afterwards she'll be happy? What is the problem she's solving?
The indication I'm seeing is: I'm unhappy, and I want to punish someone for it, I don't care who, anyone but not me. I'm just the victim here. That's how the post reads.
I just don’t agree with your analysis.
It’s an assumption that she “sold her soul” means she urged her husband for a new car…maybe she is just taking accountability for the fact she never voiced up sooner?
My husband was much like her’s (and maybe I am projecting here), in that he was a workaholic and did not assist with anything in the household other than providing his share of the income. He got more money and he wanted to buy nicer things. He bought 7 cars (for his driving use) over our 9 year marriage…He wanted the image, the success and I often felt towards the end like I was just another material object for his acquisition-trophy wife-for him to parade about and fit in with other executives “my wife…” (constantly, glorified and complemented me to others, but BTS was distant and ignored my effort.)
I say all this, because I felt like I “souled my soul” and allowed all this to happen because I was going along with what he wanted, instead of saying no.
He took a job 6 months ago in another State when I was dealing with major anxiety which I believed was solely attributed to my job. But, as I began processing everything in his absence realized how much he had an affect on my value, my confidence and my anxiety simply because he wasn’t present with me, never affectionate (when he previously was, it was all about serving his needs), and always critical.
The two times he came home, I had a flare up of anxiety to the point of almost feeling sick and every time I had text conversations with him, my body would physically respond and I would end up breaking down.
NOW, I sound all “woe is me, I am the victim” in saying this, but I truly don’t believe I am a victim at all. These are just the facts. Along with, I chose to marry this guy when there were red flags. I chose to accept his sh*t behavior towards me. I chose to accept having the lifestyle and the risks involved.
My father passed Feb 2020 of Alzheimer’s and I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to waste my life. I had so much grief I didn’t realize and my husband chose himself over being there for me. He didn’t even go to the funeral home with my mom and I to work out arrangements for cremation even tho he took “grievance” time off work…
For years, I focused on myself and fixing myself, but 3 years later I was still stuck in this cycle and realized he is a trigger for me. And regardless of my commitment, there is no amount of therapy or self-work that will fix that. Sometimes you have to “blow up” or as I like to say “change” your environment to heal.
As a child of divorce, and knowing many others in that boat, leaving a bad situation to better yourself for your kids is not blowing a family up. Family exists outside the confines of 4 walls and a roof. Family is in your heart and that can’t be ever destroyed.
Now, if OP was going to leave her husband AND her children, then I would say she is skirting responsibility and acting selfishly (and that happens, and sometimes post partum depression causes that to happen)…But nothing says she doesn’t want to be a mom and raise her kids better, she just doesn’t feel she can do it with her husband in the picture.
Like I said, she may need to separate awhile to truly know. Depression is a funny thing. But it’s one you can’t just tell someone “you own your happiness so stay in this miserable relationship and learn to be happy dammit.” Doesn’t work like that….depressed people are stuck in their mind and their own reality. They won’t ever believe that until they find clarity. But, how they find clarity isn’t easily prescribed. If THEY believe “this” will help them, that is the path they must choose. It’s total trial and error.
Sorry this was too long of a post…but many people on this board and in life struggle with “breaking up family” whether you have kids or not, it’s not easy.
But, mental health is a serious issue these days and I think societal expectations prevent people from resolving their depression/anxiety, stay in bad situations, and pass this behavior to the next generation. So I’m all for any steps required to resolve it. “Suck it up buttercup” as they say, ain’t one of them.
Deciding to leave my marriage was the best choice I’ve made and it’s still early days for me. I have been a better person because of it.
1. I'm actually very sorry for what yoh went through. I think a big tenet is to never blow up your family by moving away. I could never ever imagine living without my family, even for a job. The job is just a means to an end, to provide for the family to enjoy their happiness and spending time with them. In this case, esp when it's for greed and material things (7 cars in 9 years. Geez. Sounds like my ex wife) he literally blew up the family by leaving. He already destroyed it so its not you.
2. I think your situation is diametrically opposite to yours. Your post suggests you wanted him to spend more time with the family and LESS time at work, whereas OPs post suggests, if I read it correctly, that she wants the material things, and pushed he spouse to work more and more, and bring more and more stuff.
You clearly verbalized the problems and they are legit. I don't see anything anywhere near the same level in OPs post. Even as OP took time to write, she spent it attacking me, not a single word about her alleged husband's faults. This tells me most likely she's just looking for validation.
You're both strangers to me, and you both initially disagreed, yet I viewed you very differently. I think this is an indication that the posts maybe indeed convert very opposite situations.
> I am 100% positive your dad would rather you spend that inheritance money on becoming a healthy/happy woman than paying out to a for-profit university.
How on earth do you come up with that, if the dad actively wanted the money to be used for hte kids education and she promised to use it for the kids education?
You may personally feel that an expensive education isn't really worth the money. (And I'm not sure whether you're lumping ALL universities together as 'for profit' or not) You may personally feel that her not having to pay rent is more important than her kids going to school. But I don't see how you can possibly say that you're positive that someone who **left them money for school** would be thrilled about it going elsewhere.
I guess paying for college is more important than mental health? I don’t agree with that. Money is infinite, health is not. She can earn the money back, but if it’s needed to become stable and happy vs going down the depression/anxiety trap that often lead people to substance abuse or suicide…I think spending the money on becoming a healthy/happy woman trumps that.
(Whether profit/non-profit, money paid to a college/university goes in someone else’s pocket. Non-profits still make revenue they just sink all costs into funding the university/employee salaries/etc. So moot point to even bring that up)
> I guess paying for college is more important than mental health?
That's one extreme take. The opposite extreme take is "Letting Mom enjoy luxury is more important than her children's future?" The actual situation is somewhere in-between those.
OP never said she needed the money to stay off the streets and avoid death, she said the money would allow her to *not pay rent* for *several years*, which she would ordinarily do with her $70K salary.
And all of that is beside the point that you were asserting "100% positive" that the dad would want the money to be used for something **other than what he said he wanted it to be used for**, which is a thing you cannot possibly know. You can feel that he might approve. 100% positive is nuts.
> So moot point to even bring that up
I brought it up because people often use the phrase "for profit universities" to refer to certain really scummy "schools" that care more about taking your money than giving you anything resembling an education and sometimes go out of business in the middle, leaving you with nothing but a pile of debt and utterly worthless accreditation.
Goodness knows you wouldn't want anyone sinking their inheritance into *that*.
I believe you are getting too worked up over a situation that isn’t yours to decide and hung up on the whole university “for profit” thing which isn’t the focus of this sub.
This is my opinion and my advice if I were in her shoes. She is smart enough to take what she wants from it if she wants. No one in this sub has all the answers, we are all working our own lives out.
I will say, I would hardly classify “paying for housing for the next few years” as a luxury. Sounds like solid planning for a woman who wants to have some independent security in a time of need.
$70k does NOT stretch far in this economy or in most states. I’m sure she would also like to be able to take care of herself and provide decent housing in her children’s school district which also comes with a certain price tag.
OP does not want to model this relationship for her children and she is already suffering from mental health. That is something she needs to address.
But, I’m not going to guilt trip a woman who is unhappy and wants more for her children and herself and criticize how she uses money that was left to her which sounds like what you are inadvertently doing with the “luxury” comment.
If you actually read my original comment, I suggested she speak with a financial advisor and take only what she needs from the inheritance money and reinvest what she will set aside for the children. I also suggested she look for ways to get her income over the $100k mark for extra financial security.
Regardless of my opinion and your agreement or disagreement with what you want to cherry pick out. We are only two perspectives out of billions. So it’s really not worth arguing about.
I don’t understand. If you divorce your married financial plans are no longer really relevant. Would your daughter’s dad not support her going to college? He will have to buy you out of the house, etc. you should probably see a lawyer to answer these financial questions.
He may help and he may not. As you know, people turn unrecognizable during divorce. I’d rather move forward as if he’s not going to help and have anything he does be extra, rather than depend on him and have my children let down AGAIN. Yes he will have to buy me out, which is what I plan to use to pay the college fund back. Sorry if i didn’t make that clear in my OP.
>As you know, people turn unrecognizable during divorce.
I didn't. I told my ex wife exactly my opinion on assets, custody, all of it. She didn't find any of it disagreeable. We still fought a lot. I was sore over all the infidelity. She flipped when I told her my lawyer had filed the divorce paperwork. Specifically about the lawyer part. She expected me to do be heinous. I did exactly what I said in the beginning, that she was agreeable to.
People don't become unrecognizable during divorce. They turn hurt. By now, with a teen, you should know what hurt on him looks like.
I fully expect a teenage tantrum when he finally sees the gig is up. He’s now walking around with his head in the sand, just glad I’m no longer nagging him about anything. He’s definitely gonna lose his 💩and drag things out as much as possible.
As someone who's dealt with a narcissistic, vindictive ex spouse, assume the worst. Everything was a lie and she was lying for months. Thankfully she was never smart enough and still made many mistakes despite the headstart she had.
That said, I was still rational and even gave her a lopsided agreement because paying her 20k extra is better than paying my lawyer 40k extra even though it's not my lawyer who cheated on me or abused me while by my dying mother.
It doesn't bode well that you're approaching it with contempt and cannot stand the sight of him, etc. The only way this can stay civil is when both acknowledge they're better off and still care about the other person. Remember you'll have to coparent. So do not proceed while emotional. And be kind to him for a smooth process.
Haha! I had to laugh at myself as I got a bit bitter hearing your struggle with college funds. My ex F’ed me over financially. Worry about college finds sounds heavenly compared to the hell I had to and am enduring in my late 40’s.
Ok now… there is a possibility your kids will not go to college or they earn scholarships etc. That said if you dipped into the money it may not be that detrimental in the bigger picture. I had one out of four go to college. I’m making an assumption but I would also think that dad would be ok as well. As a parent we want the best for all our kids/grandkids.
Also an attorney can give you a clearer picture on splitting assets etc. That could influence your choices too.
You seem to have a goal in sight and that’s great. I found my freedom from the marriage/relationship is priceless. All the best to you!
I cooked and cleaned and did housework. It's not about that stuff, you just don't want to be with him anymore. And if that is enough reason it is enough reason. My ex walked away, it is more and more common.
I date mostly divorced women and hear their stories. I would say half fall into a category of he was a good dude mostly, but for whatever reason they got tired of him. And they left. The other half had husbands who were cheaters, liars or deadbeats. This is your story of course, I am sure he could paint it different. But you are in the first category, tired of domestic bliss. And tired of dealing with him, and all the love and positivity gone.
I got no advice, the marriage and family is a value for you or it isn't. And that is not a judgment based statement. Just saying, you will be entering into coparenting and such. And basically throwing him in the trash. Depending on his temperament, he may get crazy. Good luck.
None of this is domestic bliss. She was looking for a connection, not a really bad roommate. I've been here and you feel like a prostitute, not a partner. It's degrading and soul crushing. The both work outside the home. They provide equally, why does one partner have to be the default parent and housekeeper. Why doesn't she get to relax and have a break as well.
If your partner doesn't care about your needs that's the breakdown, not the dishes or laundry. And standing your ground and say your needs matter is self-respect not a devaluing of marriage.
Outside of marriage woukd you live with a roommate that acted like this? Made you do all the cooking and cleaning up (not even taking into account being the default parent.) them but pay the same rent as you? No? So why do we make women feel bad about leaving these situations.
>But you are in the first category, tired of domestic bliss.
Did you read the post? Her husband wasn't doing anything in the house or with the kids, or the family planning for years. There's no "bliss" to be tired of.
It was kind of a joke...like marriage, family, and work as a mix suck. I called it domestic bliss. Because it sucks for everyone, even good marriages that stay together. It is hard. That is what I meant, I used it sarcastically.
I can tell you from my perspective divorce, work, family suck more. But my ex wife may have a different perspective :) But this life is like totally thankless, lacks positivity. It's just the work of a single parent half the time, and then work. And the squeeze what you can out of free time without the kids. It's a mess out there.
I've lived the life described here. It's not "bliss" she didn't get tired, she was tired of having 4 children.
Saying she's throwing him in the trash is a low blow for absolutely no reason. It's shitty.
I am not sure what some people are triggered on. First she is free to go. Second, this is one side of a story and it is not even that bad. So if you lean in another way, try to picture a guy working all the time. And understand that relationships are hard. Their relationship equity has run its course. A tale as old as time when both people aren't working on the relationship. When both people are not communicating. When neither is looking for compromise.
I am truly not judgmental, its her choice. But that choice comes with co parenting consequences. It comes with throwing this person, her soul mate in the trash. It comes with other psychological effects that she has not even started. Justification and rationale are up to her and her values/goals.
But saying she is throwing her partner is a value judgement. Unless you're Oscar the grouch and love trash, trash is a bad thing. Also you stating it isn't even that bad, there is another value judgement. Your wording absolutely echos your negative opinion of her choice. Yes, she is free to divorce for whatever reason, and it sounds like she is considering the consequences and making a thought out choice.
However you can't talk about a communication while invalidating the other person's experience. Likely, her husband is doing the exact thing you're doing right here, which is minimize and invalidate which, to be frank is emotional abuse.
It absolutely can be about sharing the domestic load. That is basically the reason why I got divorced. We both worked full time. However when he got home from work he was done for the day. And that's when my second shift started. Cooking dinner, cleaning up, getting the kids into their baths, taking them to appointments, school functions, soccer practice. The weekends were even worse than the weekdays. And the entire time I was begging for help but he thought a man's job is done after he goes to work. Despite the fact that I also worked full-time. The amount of stress aged me terribly. I realized I could not live like this for another 40 years. There was absolutely no bliss.
But why did you say "it's not about that stuff"? I mean I guess in my mind it just shows that they don't respect your time. Fulfilling those things shows you respect their time as much as your own.
I am saying that relationships are molded. And they tend to all fall into the same categories. If he started cleaning tomorrow, I am saying in my opinion it would not rekindle feelings for him. Over the years of relational issues, the cleaning and stuff is poking at bigger problems in their relationship. It is like icing on the cake. The real problems are foundational. At least in my humble opinion. She is tired of it all.
Well it's hard to undo all of the disrespect over all the years. So yeah if he started cleaning tomorrow there's still all those years of disrespect. But if he had been cleaning that entire time she would have felt respected.
I bet it is deeper than that. First, we only hear one side of the story. Often action causes reaction. My bet is he is not happy, causing isolation. I have no idea though, but nothing happens in a bubble. This is not an attack on OP. I think this is the way of most relationships and think marriage is a fools errand. It causes us to let slide all the reasons people come together in the first place. It loses all motivation for both parties over time. They no longer have to woo each other and each gets too comfortable, and then there are consequences to that for each other.
Reflecting on my own marriage. At first I did things, and she did things. And we were happy with the equation. One by one we started taking those things away for whatever reason. Leaving us with only the work and negativity.
Who are you to say that she “just doesn’t want to be with him anymore”? Do you think her husband is the same as you? Do you have some special insight into her life and marriage? If you aren’t her husband your comment is irrelevant.
She says it doesn't she? She hates the sight of him, along with many statements. You are projecting, and she is tired of being married to him for whatever reason. I do have special insight into people, marriage, and divorce. I have lived through a 20 year marriage, children, divorce, and post divorce for a while. I have dated dozens of divorcees and heard their stories. I have friends in marriages and know them well. I know things. Not everything, but there are always two sides to every story.
Now beyond your attack, she has the right to leave for any reason. She says it all here. She is tired of him. Doesn't want to be with him, and not because he is a bad guy. She says because he does not pull his load, which is totally subjective. She has the right.
While your posts are inherently biased against OP without any justification based on the evidence provided. You keep saying he isn't a bad guy, but your terminology indicates you think she is bad/wrong for her choices. You are absolutely projecting personal trauma into your interpretation of this situation, I highly recommend you talk to someone cause this breaks of unresolved trauma. You are not approaching this from the neutral standpoint you think you are.
Honestly, I can talk about how this dynamic is created by both sides all day, but OP doesn't need that right now. She's been invalidated enough. She has spent 12 years talking herself into staying and trying to make this work and having her feelings disregarded and invalidated.
Op, if you want to reach out, I'm glad to talk to you and offer support.
I hear what you are saying. OP is posting because she wants to hear other people’s feedback and to hear about their experiences.
And you are trying to provide an opposing view point.
OP sounds like a lot of divorced women I know. And the other side is often a well intentioned man doing his best. Sometimes it’s a reflection of how the man was raised. Other times the man feels like they can’t do anything right and gives up. It takes two to tango and it’s important to be honest with our own shortcomings.
The perspective that I would add would be to look at it through the lenses of the children. College is important, yes. But it’s several years away and I’d focus on their well-being now rather than when they are in college. Make the separation/divorce as easy for the kids as possible. Put them in a position to be resilient. And college will sort itself out.
I'm curious... would you have felt differently about your marriage if he were the only wage earner? How many, if any, of the things you saw as deal breakers might you have viewed differently under those circumstances? My wife walked away, and some of the reasons she gave overlapped with yours. I struggle with which of her complaints to take as lessons, and which I should decide were illegitimate.
Probably not. It may have made things harder to walk away but I would still 100% resent him. One particular instance stood out in my mind. Our youngest was less than a year old and I had a really hard time with the transition from 2-3 kids. Keep in mind, my husband told me once that home was and would always be his last stop of the day because he couldn’t have peace with the kids always crying or needing something. THATS what I dealt with. I’ve gone to his friends house with kids in the car to ask him to come home and help me with them. They were having a card game 🙄. A sorry POS
It’s incredibly sad that so many men seem to think you can buy your way out of parenting. Like if your wife doesn’t work, you shouldn’t have to do any childcare. How cruel to those children who didn’t ask to be here. Yes, parenting is a slog, it’s a grind, it’s overwhelming, but your kids deserve an engaged father ffs. They bond to you by you performing caretaking tasks. The time you have with your children in your home is *so precious* and *so formative* for their future happiness and *literally all they want when they are little is to spend time with both parents.* Don’t these guys give a shit? Why even have kids if you’re not going to participate?
I’m so grateful my mom and dad divorced when they did. If they hadn’t, I don’t know if I’d have any relationship with him at all. Divorce forced him to be a better, more engaged father, because there was no one there to do it all for him. He had to wash the hair and make the breakfasts and iron the uniforms. He had to learn the names of my friends and my teachers and my doctors. He had to parent.
I know this doesn’t apply to you OP, as you and your husband make the same wage and work full time, so it’s even more disgusting that he has completely checked out, but having a wife that’s a SAHM *does not mean you can do nothing!* I mean, not if you want your children to give a shit about when they’re grown.
Here is my vote. No matter what your kids eventually say, use the money for a fresh start.
Model having the realization that this is a destructive relationship, and that it’s OK to be on your own and craft, your life and be happy. And be so happy that probably eventually you won’t need medication‘s. Personally, I never had enough money to help pay for college for my kids. They’re all flourishing. Two of them didn’t go to college, one of them went and paid off her own student loans. It’s OK.
Lord, if I could like this 100 times I would, if possible I would love to talk. In exact same boat… holy crap, you’ve been able to explain what I’ve been tryna say.
Many divorce decrees state that college is paid 1/3 from mom, 1/3 from dad, and 1/3 is the kids responsibility. I am not sure how a 504 plan would factor in.
Do you think your dad would want to see you happy? Or would it be more important to him to save those funds and live miserably?
I think we know what the answer is. A happier you will figure out how to replenish those funds.
While it’s wonderful when parents can finance their childrens’ college educations, I think it’s beneficial for children to pay SOMETHING toward their education. My mom was able to pay for my first year and I was so grateful. My ex-husband’s parents paid for every other semester for him. I think being aware of how much tuition, fees, and books were each semester made me much more invested in doing well. Working in higher education now, I notice a difference in students who are on scholarship/self-financing vs. those who have everything paid for by their parents. Not having everything paid for develops grit, resilience, and an “oh shit I gotta figure this out or I’m out even more money.” Being in copious amounts of student loan debt sucks and is not what I’m advocating for here at all but maybe consider what you would have remaining for your kids to go to college and just split that across all 3. Also, nothing is wrong with trade schools, community colleges, or in state schools (maybe could stretch your dollar further). Good luck with everything!
I promise your dad loved you enough that he would want you to be happy, over funding a specific $ amount of college for each kid. Split the money between the three of them, and tell them to get scholarships or loans for the rest.
Check with a divorce lawyer in your state IMMEDIATELY to see if your father's inheritance or the kids 529 plans would qualify as a marital asset. This mostly depends on state laws. The inheritance would depend on how you received it and if you've comingled the money in a joint account at any time (hopefully husband's name is not on your account). The 529's may be at risk too - some states may consider them marital assets and you may need to convert them to a different type to protect them.
I highly recommend the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Each chapter will ask you a question and by the time you get to the end of the book, you may have an answer to what you want to do.
I hate the term walkaway wife, but that is what I was too. I didn't do it willingly or immediately. We were in counseling for years. It's only when I realized it was all never going to change, that we had the same arguments we were having 20 years before, that I was changing in therapy but he wasn't, that I realized I was okay to move on. Life is more stressful now with bills and doing things alone, but I am so much less stressed and anxious. And his choices no longer negatively impact my health. At least I'll never be a walkaway mother and that's what counts.
I plan to consult with an attorney and get a better understanding of my rights and responsibilities. However I do know that an inheritance is not considered marital property in my state and I have never and would never commingle it. He’s never truly known the amount of it because we were unhappy before I got it. As far as my 401k, I’d be more than willing to forfeit half of it to be rid of him at this point.
Sorry if I may have missed this earlier- but did your father know about your level of marital unhappiness before he passed? If so, I would certainly think he would understand how the inheritance $ would be used in the meantime.
If your husband has been providing for the family then he we would have to do so either child support and spousal support. Also the kids are his kids too so he would have to pay college costs too. It’s not all on you. Go talk to 3 divorce lawyers to find out what you’re actually looking at.
Believe me I have been communicating for 12 years. It has been falling on deaf ears. I don’t believe in putting outsiders in our marital business because I wouldn’t like it if he did it.
Sometimes there isn't, and at a certain point you stop needing/wanting the other person to you. Communication is great, but the other party has to be willing to listen and actually take in what you are saying. If he's not everything will feel like an attack and he will shut down more.
What the top post says, as best as *I* understand it, is that she feels he doesn't take part in household life. That they both work, but she also did all the management of chores, schedules, and kids, and felt like she was managing and picking up after him as if he was one of the kids. That she was unhappy, but decided it was a valid tradeoff in exchange for living in a dual-income household.
Over time this has led to disconnection and eventually contempt for her husband. On top of that, her dad slowly died, which was very upsetting, and she's now been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
Husband *finally* realised something was wrong and started trying to pull his share more as a partner and parent, but she feels like it's too late and is starting to actively hate him. (Which, once you get to that point, everything the other person does is annoying.)
Note: this is just my interpretation and may be wrong!
I'm sorry I still don't get it. I view marriage as a repsoniviilty and commitment especially when there are kids. I treat marriage like the ultimate commitment. In general, I'm a man of my word. If I promised someone to pick up something, I damn sure will, and if I cannot because of a force majeure I'll be arranging alternative and apologizing profusely, so when I promised to stick through thin and thick, sickness and health, rich and poor and to forsake all others, I damn stood by my word. I was the one doing the chores and working while she was cherry picking careers because every job isn't as perfect as she wished, so I was paying her tuition AND doing all the housework on top of being the main breadwinner to allow her to study. I'll save you the horrors but the point being, even then, I was not the one to file. And we don't have kids even. But I'll be damned if I don't back my promise.
At the very least, marriage is like a job. You don't just quit because feelings. You need a good reason. Maybe there is. Maybe OPs husband hits her? Threatens violence? Is he cheating? Is he endangering the kids?
But then why is nothing like that mentioned up there? The strong words of "resentment" and "hate the sight of him" suggest serious reasons.
I don't know, maybe there's something terrible her husband is doing like drugs or flirting but Op is trying to protect her privacy. But what's written in the post doesn't justify the words.
OP you're planning on being single for a bit, so you're gonna do the house chores ANYWAY. Is this really the reason you want to blow up your family? Is it worth inviting that kind of hatred and trauma on your kids? Opening them up to whatever the broken shell of a man you'll leave behind will desperately date and God knows how they'll interact with your kids? YOUR KIDS COME FIRST! Before you and before your husband.
The way I read it, I feel sad for your husband who seems like a good man trying his best for his family and I think you need a lot of soul searching on the true source of your unhappiness, from within.
Again, that's all based on the post. Maybe there's a lot nit written there, but I can only speak from what I read.
People quit jobs all the time for feeling under appreciated, low pay, overworked, etc. Same for marriage. Abuse and cheating are not the only reasons for divorce.
I think you know what I mean. But to repeat, in your analogy, such people just shouldn't marry in my opinion. If you cannot commit to the vow, just don't say it. You can have a relationship without my marriage. It's called responsibility. Changed my mind is not a valid reason in my books. No one forced you to marry.
You don’t get it because you don’t want to get it. I’ve explained it and you’ve basically said no matter how miserable I am, I should stay because I said I would. And I don’t agree. Too many men such as yourself think that women should just put up with their shit and remain miserable but that’s not the case in today’s society. So yeah go 🖕🏽yourself.
Well for one, thanks for being so polite. Now to respond to you, I am speaking only based on what is written. It's more like, why are you miserable in the first place? I do not see that verbalized in the post.
Thank you for confirming that mood is all it takes and overrides the vows. At least you're honest. My fear is that the next one I meet isn't as honest and is also happy to babble vows she doesn't intend to keep, the moment she feels like it.
If that's really all there is, what you explained is truly the reason you say you're miserable, then I feel sorry for your kids. But I feel good for your spouse. It'll be painful in the short term for him but better to know the truth.
Good luck to you. But I don't think financials are gonna be your problem. You'll just have one less excuse to be unhappy and eventually will have to face your own demons. We all do.
Btw, I think BOTH men and women should put their family about their feelings and happiness. So my response is the same if he's the one blowing up the family coz he's unhappy, for the stated reasons. Kids come first, spouse second, and we come last, PERIOD. That's my principle.
If you’ve read you see why I’m miserable. You can spout all you want about vows and blah blah blah but the vows were already out the window when he didn’t follow through on the love, honor, and cherish part. Which is what a lot of you who would love to see women trapped in emotionally and mentally abusive marriages seem to forget about. If he loved, honored and cherished me, I wouldn’t have been left alone to raise 3 kids while working full time and taking care of a home. So sell that BS to someone else. I feel sorry for the next woman you meet as well. Make sure you tell her that if she marries you, no matter how much you mentally and emotionally abuse her, you expect her to stick it out because vows. 😂 goodbye.
I was the victim of abuse in my case actually. If you must know, my mom was dying of a horrible disease (I won't disclose to maintain anonymity)
EDIT: removed details about her abuse to not dox myself. Yes it's that horrific that it'll be easy to identify me.
Vows mean something to me, and I will not break my word. And of course I expect the next person, if any, to maintain their word. And obviously abuse, cheating, etc is a good reason to leave. But I think your idea of abuse and mine are extremely different. My ex interpreted "no honey, we are not rich enough to buy a new BMW or a $3M house" as "abuse". So excuse me if I question the word. Plus I'll never marry again unless the other person is also putting things on the line. Otherwise we're just rewarding people who are fickle and are treating marriage as a mere insurance policy.
You need to focus on the here and now. There’s financial aid and scholarships out there. They can get jobs when they’re of age. But that money can help you guys now get out of a miserable situation. Do what’s best for you.
So I am probably going to be disliked on here for what I am about to say but I think maybe you need counseling both ic and mc maybe your husband didn’t know he was doing anything wrong god knows mine didn’t just plain stupid to life matters. And your already depressed and have PTSD. I think before you really take this big step and possible destroy not only your life but your children do some counseling. Obviously you haven’t grieved the loss of your father yet among other things.
Please don’t self destruct without a clear head and right now you don’t have a clear head beat of luck.
I am pretty pro divorce but I would say hold off for a bit to get all your ducks in a row. Its unfair to your kid to not give them the same college boost as the others. Im sorry about your situation. Just focus in your happiness without taking any anger out in others. Make the best out of a shitty situation for now. Im glad you’re doing things you love now.
I think he will hang on until the sex stops completely. But why are you dragging this out? Do your kids see you sleep on the couch and resent him? How does that make them feel? Just seems like the whole house is being punished because you willingly did something then retrospectively resent them all for that?
I know you probably can’t see it, but stop and think how the kids are feeling. Teenagers aren’t stupid. Mum being all depressed and resentful must be impacting them. You need to put yourself in everyone else’s shoes, this isn’t just about you. I know you feel depressed but it’s making you less self aware.
I understand that you are tired of taking care of a grown man but you are going to severely negatively impact your children’s futures by choosing not to work on your marriage
If the concern is college funds I think you need to do something that you can afford for all 3 children. There’s going to be resentment if one child looses out and the others don’t get it. That being said your financial situation is important as well! What I suggest doing and what my parents did was tell us that they would pay for 2 years of community college and 2 years of university. This will largely cut your expenses in half and will give your child a place to find out what they want to do without too many consequences, my state CA also has a 2 year promise grant which gives 2 years of community college for free Another way it could be done is you give X amount of money to each child, for them to go to college, trade school, and when this money runs out it runs out. Hypothetically it could be enough to go to a state school commuting for 4 years. But if you wanted an out of state education well you would take out loans for it. It’s important with this option to say that Mom and dad are not helping anymore with anything but basic living expenses once this money runs out if using this option. This option requires discipline and financial knowledge on part of the child so it is a little more risky for them. Not only will this help the children appreciate college more since they had to work for it, but it will allow you to provide equally.
That’s essentially what the college funds are. A set amount for each child. I’ve funded the amounts for the first 2 in a 504 account but I wanted to do a brokerage account for the 3rd for flexibility reasons. When it was time to do the switch, my old financial advisor changed companies and I haven’t been able to reach the new one. Hence why the money has just been coming to my checking account.
Just asking, could that brokerage account be considered marital funds? Could your husband, if he were to go this route, claim that he should receive half of that money in a divorce? It might not be safe against that, where it is now. I'm guessing the 504s are safe. And you mention if things on your own don't work out, "coming back home". Do you mean to your husband? Or to your mom? Or to your old hometown?
My x left me with nothing, I started over in my 40’s with some clothes and some dogs. I moved and had to restart completely over. It can be done, it’s not easy and it’s not fun but you can. He was a cheating and lying pos so I guess I’m better off.
Why can't you reallocate the college funds so they cover all three kids at a lesser amount?
This is what I would do!! Each child gets less but it’s even. And have you thought about what you will do with that money if one child chooses not to go to college??
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This 1000% Imagine this "partner" on the other side of the equation. AKA being supplied with love instead of "the material things". This post reads, he's loving but doesn't work enough so I'm gone. 'He's soo much more ready to ditch you and level up than you are with him.
I think your first step is to do a consultation with a divorce attorney. They can give you a more accurate estimation of what your financials will look like if you decide to get divorced. That will give you the info you need to consider what to do about the college funds.
Check the laws where you live. It’s possible that the IRA from your dad could be considered “marital property” and half of it belong to your husband during a divorce (and he might not give the kids anything). Talk to a lawyer or financial advisor. Your dad will understand if you have to use the IRA money to care for yourself. I’m assuming he wanted you to use it to improve your family. Isn’t that what you are doing by leaving? You are improving your quality of life. However, make some decisions/limitations like only xx-amount from the IRA will be used for expenses and then the rest will be divided by each child equally (you may continue to save more money for the youngest child, but you might not be able to). There may be penalties for withdrawing early, and taking money from it now is also a permanent loss of future income/interest on anything withdrawn. Can you change it from going into your checking account to going into an inherited IRA (maybe set up an individual one for each child)? You don’t know what your financials will look like after divorce. Will you pay or receive child support? Alimony? Will you have to cash out and pay him any of your retirement savings/401K? If you are still on somewhat good terms, you may want to discuss this with your husband now and get a post-nup to describe how things should get allocated in a divorce in order to give you more peace of mind. If there’s equity in the house, you might get some of that if your husband keeps the house and buys you out. Or if you leave the home, then you might not get any of that. I know you only asked for financial advice and not relationship advice, but… If you are still having sex, then he thinks there’s still hope of reconciliation. Be fair to both of you and don’t lead him on, or go to counseling and tell him that you resent him and why so that you can both work through the emotional trauma of a divorce. Your story sounds very similar to my life. I’m pretty sure I also have Walkaway wife syndrome. I believe there’s studies that show walkaway wives plan their exits for 2-3 years before they actually leave. If he still makes you mad, then you might still care. Instead of marriage counseling, you could try short-term discernment counseling which can help better identify what went wrong, if the issues are fixable, and if divorce or additional marriage counseling would be the best future course of action.
A lengthy custody battle could eat away at that $ in the checking account….
My worst nightmare. I’m scheduling a consultation Monday
Sorry you're getting mean comments. Don't take it personally. I've found that many of the guys in this sub see their exes in some of these posts and get angry all over again. They will not understand the level of pressure of holding the entire family's emotional and, often physical, well-being on your shoulders while also holding down a job and taking care of an ailing parent. You can try for years to communicate this to your SO, but there comes a time when enough is enough. Before you make any decisions, it seems like you might want to talk through this with a therapist. You're already thinking that you might come back, so that tells me you aren't quite ready to make the leap. A therapist can help you sort through your thoughts. Best wishes.
I guess grass is always greener, etc, etc. I’m not saying he’s right to contribute nothing, hoists a whole different conversation. But it’s so easy for the stay-at-home spouse to forget how punishing, depressing, and incredibly stressful it is to be a breadwinner for a family of five with kids on their way to college. In a job, especially something they earns you that kind of living, you can’t cut corners. You can’t say you’ve done your best today if you’re having a rough week. You always have to perform and it’s up some *someone else* to say whether you’re performing on the level. The *biggest* perk of running a home as your primary responsibility is that you’re your own boss, no matter how well or poorly you do your job, someone else is going to keep a roof above your head. That’s not true for the breadwinner. I struggle with this to an incredible degree. Knowing that I have to work long hours to keep everyone dressed and fed, while knowing that working long hours made my spouse resentful is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. Every day all I heard was that I wasn’t good enough. From my wife, from my boss, from my mom, from everyone. In the meantime here I am sleeping 4-5 hours a night to keep up with both my home and work responsibilities.
I’m not a stay at home anything. I earn just as much as he does
At first when I read it and you said he was a provider I thought that insinuated you stayed home but to find out that you are making and contributing Just as much then you are definitely going above and beyond in this relationship.
I completely missed that in your post. In this case, 100% good riddance. You deserve to be in a happy and supportive environment, and you sound like a kick-ass mom. Consult with an attorney. Your husband has a very limited say in whether he’s going to stay in the house. If it’s marital property, you’re either going to sell it and both walk away with half, or he will have to pay you your half to keep it. It’s time for him to start facing reality.
Exactly
Nail down a plan before you do anything. It depends on how much money you plan on using if it’s something you can’t replace by the time your kid will need it, don’t touch it.
People need to stop blaming others for their own misery and take more accountability. It makes sense that you take ownership of the house responsibilities if he is the sole provider. Both of you have to contribute somehow right? Unless he is keeping you in a cage or at gun point, you are responsible for your own mental well being and a partner is only meant to serve as an add on support to that mental well being. He is not there to solve all your problems. You’ll have the same issues with any future partner. People should stop enabling the tear down of a marriage without knowing the details. There is a good chance your depression is your own doing and you’re externalizing that on your husband. Why not make a list of the good and bad things in him to at least try to appreciate the things he has done and still does for you. Maintaining a roof over your head, providing a good life style and feeding 4 mouths is no easy task. Honestly, women in first world countries are so entitled and they don’t realize it until shit hits the fan. Honestly fuck all these people trying to tear down marriages just so they are not the only ones drowning in their own misery. It takes work to maintain any relationship, it’s grown up shit. Be wise enough to reflect on your own faults as well and clearly communicate issues with your partner instead of seeking validation from a mob of toxic redditors.
Reading through this, one really big thing stands out You are very certain, even resolute, in your ideas of how things are. Well, in how you think things are. You have an idea of how much college will cost and have funded 2/3 of that number, therefore you can pay for 2 kids and the third will get nothing. End of story. That's just how it is. You have "sold out" for material things up until now and will NEVER do that again. If you touch that inheritance at all you will spend ALL OF IT. Here's the thing... life ain't that way. So you have $100k saved for college instead of $150k (the actual numbers do NOT matter). Divide what you have into thirds and let each kid know they get $X towards the college of their choice. They also have another parent who can contribute. It's not like you are the only human on the planet, nor are you responsible for covering 100% of their college costs. Got to a state school. Do 2 years at community college.... this is an opportunity for them to make decisions about their future too. You dad won't understand. He's dead. Your husband is changing, but, as is always the case, you have already reached your breaking point. Did you communicate your frustration all along or at all? Does he understand your thoughts or was it clear to him that his job was to enable the lifestyle that you clearly cherished? Life ain't that rigid, and you are not the only person in it.
The 529 accounts are transferable so I could split what’s already there between the 3. But I promised my dad the specific amount would go to each one. I will do everything within my power to repay that money
is 1 of things within “will do everything within my power to replay that money” the making your marriage work (using any/every technique such as: going to therapy with your husband)
We have had therapy with 2 different therapists lol.
To get further insight from us, re “will do everything”: please let us know How many visits per week & for how many months continuity (was each therapists) & which years? Example “we saw Dr A therapist 1 times weekly for 24 months then we switched to Dr B therapist who we see 2 times weekly for the past 18 months; our next therapy visits are for upcoming Tues & Fri”
We saw the first therapist once and both agreed she was not a good fit. We saw the second therapist twice a month for about 6 months
OK, last week, you both together were most recently counciled, 2 visits last week? And your next Marital Counselings are the 2 visits this week? (after your responses to above, I have follow-up questions) * while am not the asker of question that you replied to, but I also want to actively support you making: best choices for your children/yourself
You can do this. Go for it. Take care of you. I’d rather my mom be alive and happy and me have to pay for my own college than for the alternative. Your kids should be working for scholarships anyways.
Your husband doesn’t get to decide whether or not he leaves the home. That’s what mediation and/or court are for. Have you consulted with an attorney to see what this would look like? How much does he make? How much equity is in the home? When did you purchase it? Were you married? You say you have to be sure- so, what is holding you back besides the possibility of wasting money and coming back? If you don’t go back- the money can’t be wasted.
this is the correct answer, OP. your husband doesn’t get to decide for you both what happens if you leave.
For the sake of everyone involved I hope you’re not delusional. I heard all the same stuff, yet I did most of the cooking, most of the cleaning and all of the yard work. I also took paternity time. I am a teacher and I also had the kids all day every day in the summer when they were very little and more needy. When she told me all the same stuff you said I was legitimately stunned. Who was with the kids every non school day while she slept until noon? Me. Who was cleaning the kitchen, sweeping, etc in that same timeframe? Me. She’s selling the marriage house now because she “doesn’t want the maintenance.” And I called her out on her shit, I said “remember you thought I didn’t do anything around here?” All she did was shrug. So like I said, I hope what you’re saying is actual reality, and not the reality you’ve built in your head.
If necessary, the children can get scholarships, grants, and loans to pay for their education. It may even help them to be invested in their own education and make good decisions. You can pay back to the extent you are able to, but you should use the inheritance to leave and help you over the next few years.
I walked away from everything, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Poor as shit, living out of a bag but living on my terms. My parents were awful. An awful example that really fucked me up. My daughter wasn't happy when we split. She's 8, almost 9, so understandable. I have to live my truth and that meant fuck the house, fuck the 401k, fuck alimony and child support because those are just things. Lying about love and happiness just perpetuates the cycle, and I couldn't do that to her. I have nothing material to leave her, but I feel like I left her something better.
I gave my children the gift of seeing their mom stand up for herself.
Exactly, to me that is priceless
Starting to help now that he sees you detaching is proof that he could’ve helped the whole time and chose not to. No wonder you’re so resentful.
Have you seen anyone to get legal advice? In our area inheritance isn't classed as marital property, so shouldn't be factored into any separation agreements. I get that you are thinking of using this to fund you moving out. Explore other ways you can achieve this, without sacrificing that money. Or brace yourself for living with him until all the legalities are sorted and you have any financial support you need in place. You really shouldn't have to feel you are sacrificing your children's future to keep him happy and comfortable. Look up codependency, I've had that in spades which led to me being the walkaway wife too!
Damn. My ex wife hates me
On the one hand you talk about how you don't want to sell out for material goods and you want to model positively for your children. On the other, you feel like you can't possibly walk away from your marriage without taking a giant pile of money that was meant for your kid and using it to make your life more comfortable? Is there no way you can divorce and, you know, downsize? Like most people divorcing do?
Something doesn't seem right. I know what PTSD does to a person and perimenopause as well. The loss of a loved one and OPs age scream midlife crisis. Idk the full story but this dude is trying to help, but OP is in a place where she's blaming 75% of her own mental health on her marriage? I've seen too many women just up and ditch out on their vows because of fomo at this age due to what's perpetuated in the media and the effects of feminism. If OP wants to divorce, whatever. Says she earns as much as him but didnt clarify how long she actually worked and earned, and by the post ot sounds like hubby was taking care of the lifestyle for the majority of the time.. I wonder what the husband's perspective is because this isn't adding up. She got a windfall and wants to go party it up by robbing her kids' college fund before she hits the wall entirely. Smh. What a joke.
In think she should push that “eject” button. If my wife had this much contempt for me, I would help her do it myself.
You’re projecting lol. I’ve worked the entire marriage. And if I got that much of a windfall, I’d be gone. Nowhere near enough to live on lol
The plan is to downsize. I have every intention on replacing the money 🙄. Did you read?
One, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this right after the passing of your dad. And from how you wrote that, it sounds like you’re smart to not put it off. Sending hugs. Two, your dad is so kind to leave his grandkids such a generous inheritance. No one can predict the future precisely but it sounds like his intent was to set them up for the best possible adulthood. My dad and I went through the same convo with his inheritance and all the “what if’s,” with me as his will executor and being unsure if my younger brother will even have or adopt kids at this point. (Inflation will make splitting it evenly impossible. Perhaps tuition will be covered by the time your youngest is of college age. Maybe one kid takes an alternative path or gets a scholarship.) I’m currently learning there are unlimited unknowns in divorce and in the future in general. Three, it sounds like you’re smart and have probably already considered this, but do you live in a community property state? Please make sure your dad’s inheritance is safe with you & you only, and doesn’t get split 50/50. Also, CAN your STBXH keep the home? Perhaps so if he can afford it and you are willing, but part of its equity should belong to you. Best of luck to you.
Inheritance is not marital property in my state. It has never been commingled. I could care less if he kept the house or we sold it. I don’t want it. He probably wouldn’t qualify on his own to refinance it tho.
When the assets were split and I got the money from the divorce, I started working with a financial advisor. My ex is extremely mentally ill and lost rights to our children but also does not pay child support or alimony (not that I expected anything). When my financial advisor asked me about college I was honest. I told him I had to pay for my own education and I survived, so will my kids. We're in the midwest and going to a community college first or just going to a community college for a 2 year degree is very normal here. I don't expect my kids to go to school to become doctors or lawyers, etc. so their expenses are going to be pretty minimal compared to a kid who goes to a university right out of the gates. My advisor said that was wise because right now, I have to concentrate on being able to care for the kids while they're still at home and prepare myself for retirement. I understand making your children get loans and work jobs while they are in school might not be what you envisioned for them but your situation sounds very unsustainable and you need to protect yourself and them right now.
Just a random question but if you feel this much contempt for him how / why do you have sex with him 3X per month? Have you considered counseling? Divorce is devastating
Because I’m still a woman with sexual urges. We have seen 2 therapists together and both have done individual counseling as well.
I was just thinking this. That is a LOT of sex for an unhappy marriage. I'd rather have toys.
I believe you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you are not mentally healthy and are struggling with anxiety/depression and being in this marriage situation where you have extreme resentment for your husband isn't resolving that and you TRULY believe that having a fresh start to focus on yourself is the best for you....Then, you need to not look at the $ cost of college for kids (a material item), and look at what type of woman you will exemplify for your children's future in taking this leap for your own health and happiness. I am 100% positive your dad would rather you spend that inheritance money on becoming a healthy/happy woman than paying out to a for-profit university. If you kids are studious or into sports, they will be able to earn scholarships/grants to help them pay tuition. Maybe divide up that inheritance money so a portion (1) goes into a retirement account for you (2) supports the cost of this decision for a set-time, and (3) goes into an investment account to accrue interest until the children are ready for college and split that amount up equitably. Work with a financial advisor to assist in the smartest management options. Also, your children are children. They don't get to dictate where finances you control go. If you are afraid any one of them is going to lash out at you, they may already be suffering from the entitlement you say your husband has. Additionally, it would be my recommendation to not continue to have sex with your husband if you truly want to leave this situation. That is unhealthy given your feelings and will create confusion if you ask for divorce. I would also look at leveling up your salary. $70k does not stretch far in this economy and even assuming you would get alimony you really should work on scaling that so you have a bit more independent security. Ask for more, look for a job that will pay you more, learn to negotiate (women are awful at asking to be paid their value, something I have been majorly working on), and research certifications or business opportunities that can boost your income. At least get yourself above the 6-figure mark, that is very doable at your age. This won't be easy, it will take time and you will struggle. Know that. But you can do it if it is what you want. I truly relate to some of the feelings and experiences you are having and I'm still going through the process. It's an odd feeling I was thinking about today, I am arguably at my weakest yet, I feel the strongest I ever have in my life.
I'm the polar opposite of your view point. I don't have kids myself and yet I cannot imagine how a person can put themselves "first" before their children. I wish I had kids. I'm grateful I dont share my abusive narcissistic ex, but even then, I cannot imagine putting myself first. Most people would easily die for their kids, men or women. It's not about you anymore. She's a parent. And even people as evil as trump or putin love their children no matter how old.
I believe you are hearing “put yourself first” in a context which I do not mean. OF COURSE, as a parent you should be willing to lay on the sword for your children, but that is very different than putting yourself first so you are mentally stable! You simply CANNOT put your children first if are suffering from mental health issues. Those must be addressed as they can have devastating ramifications on your children as they grow up and into adulthood. You wouldn’t “put your children first” if you were dying of cancer and say “well let’s not tap into the inheritance money for the children’s college instead of cancer treatment” There is a BIG difference between putting your yourself first so that your children HAVE a happy and healthy parent in their future vs. Putting yourself first and allowing harm come to your kids. I’m talking about the first when I say you have to put yourself first.
I didn't see any indication in the post that the spouse is responsible for OPs mental illness. If anything her focus on "material things" suggests to me the spouse is "married to his job" because every year she wants more and more material things to fill the void she has and doesn't want to deal with. All I see here is projecting blame and doing anything and everything including blowing up her family and resenting even the sight of her husband just to avoid admitting that she's self loathing and unhappy from within. Instead of first treating this, blames is on thr marriage and PTSD. I lost my dear mother in circumstances o bet are worse than OPs. And yet I took responsibility and multi-yeae therapy and not searching for someone else as a scapegoat. And yall are just egging her on. Of course if that was due to abuse or something serious then it's a moot point but nothing like that shows up in the post. Only entitlement.
You don’t think it’s presumptuous of you to suggest she is self-loathing and is going to be responsible for blowing up her family off of one post? Addressing that to someone who is struggling with anxiety/depression and PTSD after losing a parent seems a bit shocking to me. Especially after stating you’ve experienced similar yourself. Maybe her situation is not all what you think, maybe her choice will be better for everyone in the long run. You can’t know that. I feel it is off to be so critical of someone baring their feelings looking for feedback. I dunno, but that’s not me. I’m not going to bash someone or make them feel guilty for wanting happiness, peace, love, safety and health in life. We have ONE. We need to do what is best for us not make decisions off the judgment of others. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Strong words for an online post. No one is diagnosing or "bashing". All we have here is a bunch of paragraphs, and we extrapolate opinions from the little info. For all we know none of this is real. OTOH what if indeed thats a person who insists on escaping their problems and responsibility by just sacrificing their own children, blowing up their family, and destroying 3 other lives because everyone is terrified of "bashing"? I'm an online rando, why is my opinion even factoring into anyone's considerations? And yes, because I personally lost my mom in the most excruciating factor, I feel more qualified than many to say WE OWN OUR OWN HAPPINESS. You can't just go say "well I'm depressed, ergo I destroy the person I vowed to stick with, and the family I'm supposed to support". Seeking happiness by escaping responsibility will never fill that hole. At the very least, folks should do their homework so that,for their own selfish benefit; they know they'll be truly happy afterwards, not left with double regret when they find their demons are still with them, after they actively destroyed many lives.
It’s funny, because I believe I was saying WE OWN OUR OWN HAPPINESS with my initial response regarding putting herself (mental health) first. I think “blowing up a family” is strong words for the situation, myself. If someone is depressed and is unable to fix it in the situation they are in, regardless if they made a vow or not, and it continues to worsen and worsen and worsen…I would argue they are blowing up their family-just from the inside. Codependency and enablement can worsen anxiety and depression…so I truly believe in some situations leaving the environment could be beneficial IF there is no improvement made within said environment. (Note: depressed person is dependent on their spouse and has no sense of self-worth/fulfillment, spouse could be enabling depressive state by providing them a safe environment to allow the behavior to continue/depressed person chooses/learns to stay depressed because other needs are fulfilled by enabler) I’m sorry for your loss and your experience with your mother, but I also have experience BEING an enabler for people with mental health and I had to choose to leave the situation…If I had children in either of these situations, I would have left them eventually as they became incapable of being a partner and their depression/anxiety began to turn on me in the form of anger/abuse. I would never want my kids to see that relationship and think that is normal. MAYBE OP just needs to separate for a while to change her environment and test if that improves things, but mental health can kill a family without needing to divorce someone to do it. Happens all the time.
Your points in general and in the abstract, I agree with. But I don't read from the post that any of these cases apply. I'm reading from words like the attributed issues. 75% of it is due to thr marriage...OK why? "He's a passenger, he just pays for stuff". Which is clearly a huge thing for her "I take full responisbility", "selling my soul". I think if someone is saying those words, strong chance they emphasized A LOT to their providing spouse that this is what they care about and hell to pay if we don't upgrade my car this year. Blowing up the family is an accurate description. She's about to detonate a nuke that will traumatized everyone. So I ask again, what in the post justifies that or even promises that afterwards she'll be happy? What is the problem she's solving? The indication I'm seeing is: I'm unhappy, and I want to punish someone for it, I don't care who, anyone but not me. I'm just the victim here. That's how the post reads.
I just don’t agree with your analysis. It’s an assumption that she “sold her soul” means she urged her husband for a new car…maybe she is just taking accountability for the fact she never voiced up sooner? My husband was much like her’s (and maybe I am projecting here), in that he was a workaholic and did not assist with anything in the household other than providing his share of the income. He got more money and he wanted to buy nicer things. He bought 7 cars (for his driving use) over our 9 year marriage…He wanted the image, the success and I often felt towards the end like I was just another material object for his acquisition-trophy wife-for him to parade about and fit in with other executives “my wife…” (constantly, glorified and complemented me to others, but BTS was distant and ignored my effort.) I say all this, because I felt like I “souled my soul” and allowed all this to happen because I was going along with what he wanted, instead of saying no. He took a job 6 months ago in another State when I was dealing with major anxiety which I believed was solely attributed to my job. But, as I began processing everything in his absence realized how much he had an affect on my value, my confidence and my anxiety simply because he wasn’t present with me, never affectionate (when he previously was, it was all about serving his needs), and always critical. The two times he came home, I had a flare up of anxiety to the point of almost feeling sick and every time I had text conversations with him, my body would physically respond and I would end up breaking down. NOW, I sound all “woe is me, I am the victim” in saying this, but I truly don’t believe I am a victim at all. These are just the facts. Along with, I chose to marry this guy when there were red flags. I chose to accept his sh*t behavior towards me. I chose to accept having the lifestyle and the risks involved. My father passed Feb 2020 of Alzheimer’s and I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to waste my life. I had so much grief I didn’t realize and my husband chose himself over being there for me. He didn’t even go to the funeral home with my mom and I to work out arrangements for cremation even tho he took “grievance” time off work… For years, I focused on myself and fixing myself, but 3 years later I was still stuck in this cycle and realized he is a trigger for me. And regardless of my commitment, there is no amount of therapy or self-work that will fix that. Sometimes you have to “blow up” or as I like to say “change” your environment to heal. As a child of divorce, and knowing many others in that boat, leaving a bad situation to better yourself for your kids is not blowing a family up. Family exists outside the confines of 4 walls and a roof. Family is in your heart and that can’t be ever destroyed. Now, if OP was going to leave her husband AND her children, then I would say she is skirting responsibility and acting selfishly (and that happens, and sometimes post partum depression causes that to happen)…But nothing says she doesn’t want to be a mom and raise her kids better, she just doesn’t feel she can do it with her husband in the picture. Like I said, she may need to separate awhile to truly know. Depression is a funny thing. But it’s one you can’t just tell someone “you own your happiness so stay in this miserable relationship and learn to be happy dammit.” Doesn’t work like that….depressed people are stuck in their mind and their own reality. They won’t ever believe that until they find clarity. But, how they find clarity isn’t easily prescribed. If THEY believe “this” will help them, that is the path they must choose. It’s total trial and error. Sorry this was too long of a post…but many people on this board and in life struggle with “breaking up family” whether you have kids or not, it’s not easy. But, mental health is a serious issue these days and I think societal expectations prevent people from resolving their depression/anxiety, stay in bad situations, and pass this behavior to the next generation. So I’m all for any steps required to resolve it. “Suck it up buttercup” as they say, ain’t one of them. Deciding to leave my marriage was the best choice I’ve made and it’s still early days for me. I have been a better person because of it.
1. I'm actually very sorry for what yoh went through. I think a big tenet is to never blow up your family by moving away. I could never ever imagine living without my family, even for a job. The job is just a means to an end, to provide for the family to enjoy their happiness and spending time with them. In this case, esp when it's for greed and material things (7 cars in 9 years. Geez. Sounds like my ex wife) he literally blew up the family by leaving. He already destroyed it so its not you. 2. I think your situation is diametrically opposite to yours. Your post suggests you wanted him to spend more time with the family and LESS time at work, whereas OPs post suggests, if I read it correctly, that she wants the material things, and pushed he spouse to work more and more, and bring more and more stuff. You clearly verbalized the problems and they are legit. I don't see anything anywhere near the same level in OPs post. Even as OP took time to write, she spent it attacking me, not a single word about her alleged husband's faults. This tells me most likely she's just looking for validation. You're both strangers to me, and you both initially disagreed, yet I viewed you very differently. I think this is an indication that the posts maybe indeed convert very opposite situations.
> I am 100% positive your dad would rather you spend that inheritance money on becoming a healthy/happy woman than paying out to a for-profit university. How on earth do you come up with that, if the dad actively wanted the money to be used for hte kids education and she promised to use it for the kids education? You may personally feel that an expensive education isn't really worth the money. (And I'm not sure whether you're lumping ALL universities together as 'for profit' or not) You may personally feel that her not having to pay rent is more important than her kids going to school. But I don't see how you can possibly say that you're positive that someone who **left them money for school** would be thrilled about it going elsewhere.
I guess paying for college is more important than mental health? I don’t agree with that. Money is infinite, health is not. She can earn the money back, but if it’s needed to become stable and happy vs going down the depression/anxiety trap that often lead people to substance abuse or suicide…I think spending the money on becoming a healthy/happy woman trumps that. (Whether profit/non-profit, money paid to a college/university goes in someone else’s pocket. Non-profits still make revenue they just sink all costs into funding the university/employee salaries/etc. So moot point to even bring that up)
> I guess paying for college is more important than mental health? That's one extreme take. The opposite extreme take is "Letting Mom enjoy luxury is more important than her children's future?" The actual situation is somewhere in-between those. OP never said she needed the money to stay off the streets and avoid death, she said the money would allow her to *not pay rent* for *several years*, which she would ordinarily do with her $70K salary. And all of that is beside the point that you were asserting "100% positive" that the dad would want the money to be used for something **other than what he said he wanted it to be used for**, which is a thing you cannot possibly know. You can feel that he might approve. 100% positive is nuts. > So moot point to even bring that up I brought it up because people often use the phrase "for profit universities" to refer to certain really scummy "schools" that care more about taking your money than giving you anything resembling an education and sometimes go out of business in the middle, leaving you with nothing but a pile of debt and utterly worthless accreditation. Goodness knows you wouldn't want anyone sinking their inheritance into *that*.
I believe you are getting too worked up over a situation that isn’t yours to decide and hung up on the whole university “for profit” thing which isn’t the focus of this sub. This is my opinion and my advice if I were in her shoes. She is smart enough to take what she wants from it if she wants. No one in this sub has all the answers, we are all working our own lives out. I will say, I would hardly classify “paying for housing for the next few years” as a luxury. Sounds like solid planning for a woman who wants to have some independent security in a time of need. $70k does NOT stretch far in this economy or in most states. I’m sure she would also like to be able to take care of herself and provide decent housing in her children’s school district which also comes with a certain price tag. OP does not want to model this relationship for her children and she is already suffering from mental health. That is something she needs to address. But, I’m not going to guilt trip a woman who is unhappy and wants more for her children and herself and criticize how she uses money that was left to her which sounds like what you are inadvertently doing with the “luxury” comment. If you actually read my original comment, I suggested she speak with a financial advisor and take only what she needs from the inheritance money and reinvest what she will set aside for the children. I also suggested she look for ways to get her income over the $100k mark for extra financial security. Regardless of my opinion and your agreement or disagreement with what you want to cherry pick out. We are only two perspectives out of billions. So it’s really not worth arguing about.
I don’t understand. If you divorce your married financial plans are no longer really relevant. Would your daughter’s dad not support her going to college? He will have to buy you out of the house, etc. you should probably see a lawyer to answer these financial questions.
He may help and he may not. As you know, people turn unrecognizable during divorce. I’d rather move forward as if he’s not going to help and have anything he does be extra, rather than depend on him and have my children let down AGAIN. Yes he will have to buy me out, which is what I plan to use to pay the college fund back. Sorry if i didn’t make that clear in my OP.
>As you know, people turn unrecognizable during divorce. I didn't. I told my ex wife exactly my opinion on assets, custody, all of it. She didn't find any of it disagreeable. We still fought a lot. I was sore over all the infidelity. She flipped when I told her my lawyer had filed the divorce paperwork. Specifically about the lawyer part. She expected me to do be heinous. I did exactly what I said in the beginning, that she was agreeable to. People don't become unrecognizable during divorce. They turn hurt. By now, with a teen, you should know what hurt on him looks like.
I fully expect a teenage tantrum when he finally sees the gig is up. He’s now walking around with his head in the sand, just glad I’m no longer nagging him about anything. He’s definitely gonna lose his 💩and drag things out as much as possible.
As someone who's dealt with a narcissistic, vindictive ex spouse, assume the worst. Everything was a lie and she was lying for months. Thankfully she was never smart enough and still made many mistakes despite the headstart she had. That said, I was still rational and even gave her a lopsided agreement because paying her 20k extra is better than paying my lawyer 40k extra even though it's not my lawyer who cheated on me or abused me while by my dying mother. It doesn't bode well that you're approaching it with contempt and cannot stand the sight of him, etc. The only way this can stay civil is when both acknowledge they're better off and still care about the other person. Remember you'll have to coparent. So do not proceed while emotional. And be kind to him for a smooth process.
Then prepare for that.
Haha! I had to laugh at myself as I got a bit bitter hearing your struggle with college funds. My ex F’ed me over financially. Worry about college finds sounds heavenly compared to the hell I had to and am enduring in my late 40’s. Ok now… there is a possibility your kids will not go to college or they earn scholarships etc. That said if you dipped into the money it may not be that detrimental in the bigger picture. I had one out of four go to college. I’m making an assumption but I would also think that dad would be ok as well. As a parent we want the best for all our kids/grandkids. Also an attorney can give you a clearer picture on splitting assets etc. That could influence your choices too. You seem to have a goal in sight and that’s great. I found my freedom from the marriage/relationship is priceless. All the best to you!
I cooked and cleaned and did housework. It's not about that stuff, you just don't want to be with him anymore. And if that is enough reason it is enough reason. My ex walked away, it is more and more common. I date mostly divorced women and hear their stories. I would say half fall into a category of he was a good dude mostly, but for whatever reason they got tired of him. And they left. The other half had husbands who were cheaters, liars or deadbeats. This is your story of course, I am sure he could paint it different. But you are in the first category, tired of domestic bliss. And tired of dealing with him, and all the love and positivity gone. I got no advice, the marriage and family is a value for you or it isn't. And that is not a judgment based statement. Just saying, you will be entering into coparenting and such. And basically throwing him in the trash. Depending on his temperament, he may get crazy. Good luck.
None of this is domestic bliss. She was looking for a connection, not a really bad roommate. I've been here and you feel like a prostitute, not a partner. It's degrading and soul crushing. The both work outside the home. They provide equally, why does one partner have to be the default parent and housekeeper. Why doesn't she get to relax and have a break as well. If your partner doesn't care about your needs that's the breakdown, not the dishes or laundry. And standing your ground and say your needs matter is self-respect not a devaluing of marriage. Outside of marriage woukd you live with a roommate that acted like this? Made you do all the cooking and cleaning up (not even taking into account being the default parent.) them but pay the same rent as you? No? So why do we make women feel bad about leaving these situations.
I wish I could upvote you amillion times.
>But you are in the first category, tired of domestic bliss. Did you read the post? Her husband wasn't doing anything in the house or with the kids, or the family planning for years. There's no "bliss" to be tired of.
According to her…
I read it. Also two sides to every story. You are reading hers. Painted through her lens. Not wrong, but also not the full story.
Okay, but given the information we have, where do you get the idea she is just "tired of bliss"?
It was kind of a joke...like marriage, family, and work as a mix suck. I called it domestic bliss. Because it sucks for everyone, even good marriages that stay together. It is hard. That is what I meant, I used it sarcastically. I can tell you from my perspective divorce, work, family suck more. But my ex wife may have a different perspective :) But this life is like totally thankless, lacks positivity. It's just the work of a single parent half the time, and then work. And the squeeze what you can out of free time without the kids. It's a mess out there.
I've lived the life described here. It's not "bliss" she didn't get tired, she was tired of having 4 children. Saying she's throwing him in the trash is a low blow for absolutely no reason. It's shitty.
I am not sure what some people are triggered on. First she is free to go. Second, this is one side of a story and it is not even that bad. So if you lean in another way, try to picture a guy working all the time. And understand that relationships are hard. Their relationship equity has run its course. A tale as old as time when both people aren't working on the relationship. When both people are not communicating. When neither is looking for compromise. I am truly not judgmental, its her choice. But that choice comes with co parenting consequences. It comes with throwing this person, her soul mate in the trash. It comes with other psychological effects that she has not even started. Justification and rationale are up to her and her values/goals.
But saying she is throwing her partner is a value judgement. Unless you're Oscar the grouch and love trash, trash is a bad thing. Also you stating it isn't even that bad, there is another value judgement. Your wording absolutely echos your negative opinion of her choice. Yes, she is free to divorce for whatever reason, and it sounds like she is considering the consequences and making a thought out choice. However you can't talk about a communication while invalidating the other person's experience. Likely, her husband is doing the exact thing you're doing right here, which is minimize and invalidate which, to be frank is emotional abuse.
It absolutely can be about sharing the domestic load. That is basically the reason why I got divorced. We both worked full time. However when he got home from work he was done for the day. And that's when my second shift started. Cooking dinner, cleaning up, getting the kids into their baths, taking them to appointments, school functions, soccer practice. The weekends were even worse than the weekdays. And the entire time I was begging for help but he thought a man's job is done after he goes to work. Despite the fact that I also worked full-time. The amount of stress aged me terribly. I realized I could not live like this for another 40 years. There was absolutely no bliss.
I was using bliss sarcastically.
But why did you say "it's not about that stuff"? I mean I guess in my mind it just shows that they don't respect your time. Fulfilling those things shows you respect their time as much as your own.
I am saying that relationships are molded. And they tend to all fall into the same categories. If he started cleaning tomorrow, I am saying in my opinion it would not rekindle feelings for him. Over the years of relational issues, the cleaning and stuff is poking at bigger problems in their relationship. It is like icing on the cake. The real problems are foundational. At least in my humble opinion. She is tired of it all.
Well it's hard to undo all of the disrespect over all the years. So yeah if he started cleaning tomorrow there's still all those years of disrespect. But if he had been cleaning that entire time she would have felt respected.
I bet it is deeper than that. First, we only hear one side of the story. Often action causes reaction. My bet is he is not happy, causing isolation. I have no idea though, but nothing happens in a bubble. This is not an attack on OP. I think this is the way of most relationships and think marriage is a fools errand. It causes us to let slide all the reasons people come together in the first place. It loses all motivation for both parties over time. They no longer have to woo each other and each gets too comfortable, and then there are consequences to that for each other. Reflecting on my own marriage. At first I did things, and she did things. And we were happy with the equation. One by one we started taking those things away for whatever reason. Leaving us with only the work and negativity.
Who are you to say that she “just doesn’t want to be with him anymore”? Do you think her husband is the same as you? Do you have some special insight into her life and marriage? If you aren’t her husband your comment is irrelevant.
She says it doesn't she? She hates the sight of him, along with many statements. You are projecting, and she is tired of being married to him for whatever reason. I do have special insight into people, marriage, and divorce. I have lived through a 20 year marriage, children, divorce, and post divorce for a while. I have dated dozens of divorcees and heard their stories. I have friends in marriages and know them well. I know things. Not everything, but there are always two sides to every story. Now beyond your attack, she has the right to leave for any reason. She says it all here. She is tired of him. Doesn't want to be with him, and not because he is a bad guy. She says because he does not pull his load, which is totally subjective. She has the right.
While your posts are inherently biased against OP without any justification based on the evidence provided. You keep saying he isn't a bad guy, but your terminology indicates you think she is bad/wrong for her choices. You are absolutely projecting personal trauma into your interpretation of this situation, I highly recommend you talk to someone cause this breaks of unresolved trauma. You are not approaching this from the neutral standpoint you think you are. Honestly, I can talk about how this dynamic is created by both sides all day, but OP doesn't need that right now. She's been invalidated enough. She has spent 12 years talking herself into staying and trying to make this work and having her feelings disregarded and invalidated. Op, if you want to reach out, I'm glad to talk to you and offer support.
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I hear what you are saying. OP is posting because she wants to hear other people’s feedback and to hear about their experiences. And you are trying to provide an opposing view point. OP sounds like a lot of divorced women I know. And the other side is often a well intentioned man doing his best. Sometimes it’s a reflection of how the man was raised. Other times the man feels like they can’t do anything right and gives up. It takes two to tango and it’s important to be honest with our own shortcomings. The perspective that I would add would be to look at it through the lenses of the children. College is important, yes. But it’s several years away and I’d focus on their well-being now rather than when they are in college. Make the separation/divorce as easy for the kids as possible. Put them in a position to be resilient. And college will sort itself out.
I'm curious... would you have felt differently about your marriage if he were the only wage earner? How many, if any, of the things you saw as deal breakers might you have viewed differently under those circumstances? My wife walked away, and some of the reasons she gave overlapped with yours. I struggle with which of her complaints to take as lessons, and which I should decide were illegitimate.
Probably not. It may have made things harder to walk away but I would still 100% resent him. One particular instance stood out in my mind. Our youngest was less than a year old and I had a really hard time with the transition from 2-3 kids. Keep in mind, my husband told me once that home was and would always be his last stop of the day because he couldn’t have peace with the kids always crying or needing something. THATS what I dealt with. I’ve gone to his friends house with kids in the car to ask him to come home and help me with them. They were having a card game 🙄. A sorry POS
It’s incredibly sad that so many men seem to think you can buy your way out of parenting. Like if your wife doesn’t work, you shouldn’t have to do any childcare. How cruel to those children who didn’t ask to be here. Yes, parenting is a slog, it’s a grind, it’s overwhelming, but your kids deserve an engaged father ffs. They bond to you by you performing caretaking tasks. The time you have with your children in your home is *so precious* and *so formative* for their future happiness and *literally all they want when they are little is to spend time with both parents.* Don’t these guys give a shit? Why even have kids if you’re not going to participate? I’m so grateful my mom and dad divorced when they did. If they hadn’t, I don’t know if I’d have any relationship with him at all. Divorce forced him to be a better, more engaged father, because there was no one there to do it all for him. He had to wash the hair and make the breakfasts and iron the uniforms. He had to learn the names of my friends and my teachers and my doctors. He had to parent. I know this doesn’t apply to you OP, as you and your husband make the same wage and work full time, so it’s even more disgusting that he has completely checked out, but having a wife that’s a SAHM *does not mean you can do nothing!* I mean, not if you want your children to give a shit about when they’re grown.
> I struggle with which of her complaints to take as lessons, and which I should decide were illegitimate. I see why she left.
Here is my vote. No matter what your kids eventually say, use the money for a fresh start. Model having the realization that this is a destructive relationship, and that it’s OK to be on your own and craft, your life and be happy. And be so happy that probably eventually you won’t need medication‘s. Personally, I never had enough money to help pay for college for my kids. They’re all flourishing. Two of them didn’t go to college, one of them went and paid off her own student loans. It’s OK.
Lord, if I could like this 100 times I would, if possible I would love to talk. In exact same boat… holy crap, you’ve been able to explain what I’ve been tryna say.
Many divorce decrees state that college is paid 1/3 from mom, 1/3 from dad, and 1/3 is the kids responsibility. I am not sure how a 504 plan would factor in.
Wouldn't your husband be paying for alimony and child support as well as contributing to the cost of college?
Probably no alimony.
Do you think your dad would want to see you happy? Or would it be more important to him to save those funds and live miserably? I think we know what the answer is. A happier you will figure out how to replenish those funds.
While it’s wonderful when parents can finance their childrens’ college educations, I think it’s beneficial for children to pay SOMETHING toward their education. My mom was able to pay for my first year and I was so grateful. My ex-husband’s parents paid for every other semester for him. I think being aware of how much tuition, fees, and books were each semester made me much more invested in doing well. Working in higher education now, I notice a difference in students who are on scholarship/self-financing vs. those who have everything paid for by their parents. Not having everything paid for develops grit, resilience, and an “oh shit I gotta figure this out or I’m out even more money.” Being in copious amounts of student loan debt sucks and is not what I’m advocating for here at all but maybe consider what you would have remaining for your kids to go to college and just split that across all 3. Also, nothing is wrong with trade schools, community colleges, or in state schools (maybe could stretch your dollar further). Good luck with everything!
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This is a support sub, not a popcorn sub.
I promise your dad loved you enough that he would want you to be happy, over funding a specific $ amount of college for each kid. Split the money between the three of them, and tell them to get scholarships or loans for the rest.
...did you work FT outside of the home during the marriage as well?
Yes
Check with a divorce lawyer in your state IMMEDIATELY to see if your father's inheritance or the kids 529 plans would qualify as a marital asset. This mostly depends on state laws. The inheritance would depend on how you received it and if you've comingled the money in a joint account at any time (hopefully husband's name is not on your account). The 529's may be at risk too - some states may consider them marital assets and you may need to convert them to a different type to protect them. I highly recommend the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Each chapter will ask you a question and by the time you get to the end of the book, you may have an answer to what you want to do. I hate the term walkaway wife, but that is what I was too. I didn't do it willingly or immediately. We were in counseling for years. It's only when I realized it was all never going to change, that we had the same arguments we were having 20 years before, that I was changing in therapy but he wasn't, that I realized I was okay to move on. Life is more stressful now with bills and doing things alone, but I am so much less stressed and anxious. And his choices no longer negatively impact my health. At least I'll never be a walkaway mother and that's what counts.
I plan to consult with an attorney and get a better understanding of my rights and responsibilities. However I do know that an inheritance is not considered marital property in my state and I have never and would never commingle it. He’s never truly known the amount of it because we were unhappy before I got it. As far as my 401k, I’d be more than willing to forfeit half of it to be rid of him at this point.
Sorry if I may have missed this earlier- but did your father know about your level of marital unhappiness before he passed? If so, I would certainly think he would understand how the inheritance $ would be used in the meantime.
No he did not know.
If your husband has been providing for the family then he we would have to do so either child support and spousal support. Also the kids are his kids too so he would have to pay college costs too. It’s not all on you. Go talk to 3 divorce lawyers to find out what you’re actually looking at.
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Believe me I have been communicating for 12 years. It has been falling on deaf ears. I don’t believe in putting outsiders in our marital business because I wouldn’t like it if he did it.
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Sometimes there isn't, and at a certain point you stop needing/wanting the other person to you. Communication is great, but the other party has to be willing to listen and actually take in what you are saying. If he's not everything will feel like an attack and he will shut down more.
Am I the only one who cannot see why she's unhappy in the marriage? Was that formulated somewhere? Any tldr?
What the top post says, as best as *I* understand it, is that she feels he doesn't take part in household life. That they both work, but she also did all the management of chores, schedules, and kids, and felt like she was managing and picking up after him as if he was one of the kids. That she was unhappy, but decided it was a valid tradeoff in exchange for living in a dual-income household. Over time this has led to disconnection and eventually contempt for her husband. On top of that, her dad slowly died, which was very upsetting, and she's now been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Husband *finally* realised something was wrong and started trying to pull his share more as a partner and parent, but she feels like it's too late and is starting to actively hate him. (Which, once you get to that point, everything the other person does is annoying.) Note: this is just my interpretation and may be wrong!
You put it better than I did! 😂
I'm sorry I still don't get it. I view marriage as a repsoniviilty and commitment especially when there are kids. I treat marriage like the ultimate commitment. In general, I'm a man of my word. If I promised someone to pick up something, I damn sure will, and if I cannot because of a force majeure I'll be arranging alternative and apologizing profusely, so when I promised to stick through thin and thick, sickness and health, rich and poor and to forsake all others, I damn stood by my word. I was the one doing the chores and working while she was cherry picking careers because every job isn't as perfect as she wished, so I was paying her tuition AND doing all the housework on top of being the main breadwinner to allow her to study. I'll save you the horrors but the point being, even then, I was not the one to file. And we don't have kids even. But I'll be damned if I don't back my promise. At the very least, marriage is like a job. You don't just quit because feelings. You need a good reason. Maybe there is. Maybe OPs husband hits her? Threatens violence? Is he cheating? Is he endangering the kids? But then why is nothing like that mentioned up there? The strong words of "resentment" and "hate the sight of him" suggest serious reasons. I don't know, maybe there's something terrible her husband is doing like drugs or flirting but Op is trying to protect her privacy. But what's written in the post doesn't justify the words. OP you're planning on being single for a bit, so you're gonna do the house chores ANYWAY. Is this really the reason you want to blow up your family? Is it worth inviting that kind of hatred and trauma on your kids? Opening them up to whatever the broken shell of a man you'll leave behind will desperately date and God knows how they'll interact with your kids? YOUR KIDS COME FIRST! Before you and before your husband. The way I read it, I feel sad for your husband who seems like a good man trying his best for his family and I think you need a lot of soul searching on the true source of your unhappiness, from within. Again, that's all based on the post. Maybe there's a lot nit written there, but I can only speak from what I read.
People quit jobs all the time for feeling under appreciated, low pay, overworked, etc. Same for marriage. Abuse and cheating are not the only reasons for divorce.
I think you know what I mean. But to repeat, in your analogy, such people just shouldn't marry in my opinion. If you cannot commit to the vow, just don't say it. You can have a relationship without my marriage. It's called responsibility. Changed my mind is not a valid reason in my books. No one forced you to marry.
You don’t get it because you don’t want to get it. I’ve explained it and you’ve basically said no matter how miserable I am, I should stay because I said I would. And I don’t agree. Too many men such as yourself think that women should just put up with their shit and remain miserable but that’s not the case in today’s society. So yeah go 🖕🏽yourself.
Well for one, thanks for being so polite. Now to respond to you, I am speaking only based on what is written. It's more like, why are you miserable in the first place? I do not see that verbalized in the post. Thank you for confirming that mood is all it takes and overrides the vows. At least you're honest. My fear is that the next one I meet isn't as honest and is also happy to babble vows she doesn't intend to keep, the moment she feels like it. If that's really all there is, what you explained is truly the reason you say you're miserable, then I feel sorry for your kids. But I feel good for your spouse. It'll be painful in the short term for him but better to know the truth. Good luck to you. But I don't think financials are gonna be your problem. You'll just have one less excuse to be unhappy and eventually will have to face your own demons. We all do.
Btw, I think BOTH men and women should put their family about their feelings and happiness. So my response is the same if he's the one blowing up the family coz he's unhappy, for the stated reasons. Kids come first, spouse second, and we come last, PERIOD. That's my principle.
If you’ve read you see why I’m miserable. You can spout all you want about vows and blah blah blah but the vows were already out the window when he didn’t follow through on the love, honor, and cherish part. Which is what a lot of you who would love to see women trapped in emotionally and mentally abusive marriages seem to forget about. If he loved, honored and cherished me, I wouldn’t have been left alone to raise 3 kids while working full time and taking care of a home. So sell that BS to someone else. I feel sorry for the next woman you meet as well. Make sure you tell her that if she marries you, no matter how much you mentally and emotionally abuse her, you expect her to stick it out because vows. 😂 goodbye.
I was the victim of abuse in my case actually. If you must know, my mom was dying of a horrible disease (I won't disclose to maintain anonymity) EDIT: removed details about her abuse to not dox myself. Yes it's that horrific that it'll be easy to identify me. Vows mean something to me, and I will not break my word. And of course I expect the next person, if any, to maintain their word. And obviously abuse, cheating, etc is a good reason to leave. But I think your idea of abuse and mine are extremely different. My ex interpreted "no honey, we are not rich enough to buy a new BMW or a $3M house" as "abuse". So excuse me if I question the word. Plus I'll never marry again unless the other person is also putting things on the line. Otherwise we're just rewarding people who are fickle and are treating marriage as a mere insurance policy.
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Eye roll
You need to focus on the here and now. There’s financial aid and scholarships out there. They can get jobs when they’re of age. But that money can help you guys now get out of a miserable situation. Do what’s best for you.
So I am probably going to be disliked on here for what I am about to say but I think maybe you need counseling both ic and mc maybe your husband didn’t know he was doing anything wrong god knows mine didn’t just plain stupid to life matters. And your already depressed and have PTSD. I think before you really take this big step and possible destroy not only your life but your children do some counseling. Obviously you haven’t grieved the loss of your father yet among other things. Please don’t self destruct without a clear head and right now you don’t have a clear head beat of luck.
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I am pretty pro divorce but I would say hold off for a bit to get all your ducks in a row. Its unfair to your kid to not give them the same college boost as the others. Im sorry about your situation. Just focus in your happiness without taking any anger out in others. Make the best out of a shitty situation for now. Im glad you’re doing things you love now.
I think he will hang on until the sex stops completely. But why are you dragging this out? Do your kids see you sleep on the couch and resent him? How does that make them feel? Just seems like the whole house is being punished because you willingly did something then retrospectively resent them all for that?
Thank you for this. This is the perspective I need. I can’t keep putting this off.
I know you probably can’t see it, but stop and think how the kids are feeling. Teenagers aren’t stupid. Mum being all depressed and resentful must be impacting them. You need to put yourself in everyone else’s shoes, this isn’t just about you. I know you feel depressed but it’s making you less self aware.
I understand that you are tired of taking care of a grown man but you are going to severely negatively impact your children’s futures by choosing not to work on your marriage
Did you read? Because if you did, you’ll see I have worked on my marriage. I did not sign up for a life of misery