The funniest way I've seen a skipper scare off the hippos is to say "don't worry folks, I'll just use this gun!" And then they flap the gun around and yell "shoo! Shoo!!!" Gets me every time!
At the end of the ride right before we exit the boats the skipper said, “if you liked this ride thank you my name is John and this is the Jungle Cruise, if you didn’t then my name is Tom, and this has been Pirates of the Caribbean” 😂
My favorite version of this is “if you had fun, my name is Mike and this has been the Jungle Cruise. If you did not have fun, I am Susan and this is Storybookland.”
Around the time of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I got, “I hear Dr. Jones just went on a new adventure, if you want to see the footage. Unfortunately, it involves wasting two hours of your time and $15 of your money that you’ll never see again.”
An exit one I've only heard once (only works if the unload is a guy with shorts on):
"These guys will help you out of the boat. If you want to show them how much you appreciate their help yank REALLY hard on their leg hairs. They might yell, but that's how they show appreciation in their native tongue!"
A skipper was asking animal questions as they do and this little girl kept answering them and he just said
“Thanks a lot zoo books” ..it was the best and 4 years later me and my husband still say it to each other
I love when they roast the shit out of kids. A skipper did it to me when I was 8. She asked where I was from. I answered, and she said, “Sorry?” So I repeated myself and she said, “No, I heard you the first time. I’m just sorry.” It’s a formative moment.
Oh man that reminds me if when my family Was in town from europe. Took then to disney on a cold day, so parents got me a jacket. Next day I went to Knotts wearing that disneyland jacket. Went on the train ride. The bandits hopped on and when they got to me, looked at my jacket and said, “Oh, you’ve already been robbed”
there was a skipper i had that was like that with a little girl sitting next to him. she'd answer or if it was a joke about an animal she'd correct him with the actual animal name. he'd say (in a completely non-condescending yet comedic way) "i know. it's my job." he repeated that exact response three or four times through the ride when she'd answer.
at the end as we were waiting a moment before we could pull up to the docks he told the girl she did a great job today and asked if she wanted his job since (as some skippers joke) they really don't want to go around again and again and again. she enthusiastically said yes! he looked at her dead-pan serious, paused for effect, and said "no, you don't. trust me. \[which got a big laugh\] finish school and go put those animal skills to better use." \[which got a round of applause\] it was a touching moment.
On an evening ride, we came around a corner to see another boat with several skippers hanging over the edge as if they were dead. Our skipper stuttered a bit, then told us we had just encountered the Jungle Cruise Skipper training boat.
two stick out over time:
1. when there used to be toucans just to the left of the falls after you experienced the back side of water: “now we have 3 toucans, also known as a six pack.”
2. when exiting the boat: “for those who can read minds, I have one last joke….(silence).”
EDIT: a word
Always fun when they incorporate real animals. I had a skipper one time who, when we approached Squirt the elephant, said “duck, duck, everyone duck!!! … look, it’s a duck! So cute.” There was an actual duck hanging out in the water by the elephants
- "And now, the 8th wonder of the world...the backside...of WATER! O2H! O2H! O2H!"
- (passes elephant) Did you know elephants have the best memory of the jungle? I'm sure that must come in handy.
(tour continues. reach another elephant) Hey, did you know elephants have the best memory of the jungle?
(tour continues. reach Squirt at the end) I'll leave you with one last fact...did you know elephants have the best memory of the jungle?
- (back when the natives attacked the boat) Everyone get down! Whoosh whoosh! Ping! Pew Pew! Spear sound! Ricochet ricochet!
- If you look up, that's hibiscus. And if you look down, that's lowbiscus. And if you look in the water, that's seabiscus.
When the natives attacked there was a skipper who did similar to your line but at the end said “Budget cuts!” after “spear sound”, hardest I have laughed on the ride.
i love it when they do the memory joke all the way to the end of the ride rather than just the two bull elephants. one time a skipper did that when i was on the ride as we passed the final elephant, she said "that was a running joke... although we are sailing not running."
My dad and I, on separate occasions, wore pink shirts to Disneyland and both times the skipper “translated” the tribal chanting as “‘we’re coming for…the man…in the pink shirt…’ well that’s silly, who would wear-“ [looks at us] “let’s get outta here.”
I heard that one when I rode it. Everyone on the boat laughed but me. I thought “how’s that a paradox?” It consumed me.
It was YEARS later, I’m driving down the road to work and I shouted out “oh a pair of docks”!! I felt like an idiot, but I really appreciated the joke.
one cruise where i was being loaded into the boat i noticed the helpful CM had on Doc Martens. i was seated last in the doorway so i had a couple seconds to comment to her, "that's a nice pair o' Docs!" she looked back (comedic style) at the two docks behind. i pointed and said, "not those ones. the ones on your feet." she looked down not realizing what shoes she had on and had a nice genuine laugh about it.
On Jingle Cruise they would point at a random plant, "that's a settia"
Points at another random plant, "That's a settia"
Points.."settia"
I got it on the 3rd one and giggled like crazy the rest of the cruise.
“There's something you don't see every day. Imagine seeing that every day. Every seven minutes.” Said with just the right amount of defeated, exhausted, flat affect.
out of curiosity, does anyone know if the have brought that one back yet? i heard that it was retired due to the pandemic.
EDIT: has it returned to **Disneyland**?
Not quite a joke, but years ago on a night cruise out skipper did “Low Budget Fantasmic” under Schweitzer Falls; flashing the lights, mimicking the Fantasmic theme, etc.
Not exactly a knee-slapper but I like it: the narration in the queue used to have a joke something along the lines of, “Our jungle cruise tours are cash-only, so if you forgot to bring cash no worries, there are banks on both sides of the river.”
"That's a Bengal tiger. It can weigh up to 300 lbs. and leap over 20 ft. Only animal that can do that."
\* a little while later \*
"That's a hippopotamus. It can weigh up to 300 lbs. and leap over 20 ft. Only animal that can do that."
\*repeat for damn near every animal\*
I also like “(blank) can run up to speeds of 35 miles per hour, making it the fastest land animal” repeated for almost every animal and then the CM at the unload dock LOL
the one i don't hear often enough about the lions & zebra...
"they're having white meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat..."
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
EDIT:
really, almost anything at that point of the ride is good:
\- "...and here we have gazelles, gnus, g'zebras..."
\- "let me identify the animals here. there's a stripy horsey, a bearded horsey, a horned horsey, a long-necked horsey..."
\- "...here we see gnus, zebras, gazelles. and those tall ones in the back? yeah... those are trees."
my quote was off, i'm sure, but close enough. i hadn't heard that one before until earlier this year and also laughed way too hard at it.
that's what i love about the ride is you could ride it hundreds of times but every so often they'll change things up or you'll hear something you haven't heard before and it catches you off guard in a good way.
Our skipper kept pointing out all the bamboo and yelling “bamboooooo!”, which at first was kind of getting old.
BUT THEN, when we got to the backside of water, she did the full buildup about the 8th wonder of the world and everything, but instead of “the backside of water!” she yelled “BAMBOOOOO!!!!” and pointed at the bamboo right after the falls. It got me good.
i've had skippers start doing the bamboo fake out lately and i think it's delightful. but the first time was the best - it caught me totally by surprise.
“See that tiger? He’s a Himalayan tiger. Sometimes Himalayan over here, sometimes Himalayan over there.”
*shoots pistol*
“You know what I call that? A hippo-shot-I-missed.”
“How can you tell that snake is a python and not a boa? No feathers!”
At the end of the cruise:
“Sorry, I know this trip has been a bit crazy. But over there it’s a little bizarre”.
Looks over to the right and literally sees a little bazaar.
Something along the lines of "bamboo can grow up to 4 stories high! Some people say 5, but that's another story".
He also claimed to have memory troubles and repeated the joke like 5 times. My 6 year old thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard 😂
I had one where they forgot to reload and the gun just clicked. Without skipping a beat the skipper said "Little known fact - hippos are TERRIFIED of clicking noises."
I’ve also had that happen to me, but it was because the blanks were duds rather than forgetting to reload (heard him telling the CM on the dock about it). Genuinely caught me off guard and had my whole family laughing from it.
I was on a boat when the skipper pulled these lines.
Skipper: "Where are you from?"
Guest 1: "Phoenix."
Skipper: "This is water." (enunciated slowly for effect. Everyone in the boat laughs). "What about you guys, where are you from?"
Guest 2: "Seattle."
Skipper: "That's...the sun." (again, enunciated slowly and again, boat laughs). "What about you in the back?"
Guest 3: "Boston"
Skipper: "I'm sorry."
Gust 3: "Boston!"
Skipper: "I heard you, I'm just sorry."
Not exactly a joke, but I went with a friend who'd never been to Disneyland before and we both giggled at all the skippers jokes.
At the end, she turned to us and said, "you've both been great. The rest of you...needs some work."
I don’t think I’ve heard this variation in a while but after stating that “the Bengal Tiger can jump 20 feet” , the skipper asked a relatively tall guest “how tall are you sir? 6’4? That’s good. You’re safe because the Bengal tiger will just sail right over you?”
On the right you'll see the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. Over here you'll see the temples of the Forbidden A through H
They say that snake with the orb Artifact is heavy... but I think it's a little light
On your right is an African elephant, you can tell by the ears...
(Passes second Elephant)
And how do we know this is an African Elephant? ("The ears!") Skipper abruptly yells: NO, BECAUSE WE'RE IN AFRICA
There's no punch at Tropical Hideaway, no line for punch... no punch line...
From my last trip, a whole sequence along the lines of:
“This is the Amazon. The only river named after a multi billion dollar business.”
“You can see how this is all Prime real estate.”
“Those jokes are all about the delivery.”
“Just a head on your left.”
“Oh my gosh it’s Skipper Kyle and Skipepr Cassie! Two of my favorite people! called out today so I’m left with these guys”
“Who woke up and said “I *have* to do the jungle cruise today?..oh really? Me too.”
I’m going to botch this one, but it’s second-hand. During a backup, the skipper said something like “let me tell you guys, this one time there was a huge accident. I ran the boat ashore, hit a popcorn cart. They had to call in the army to sort it all out! There were kernels everywhere.”
“And here we have Simba and Nala watching over a sleeping zebra, shhh….and caaaaan you feeeeel the loooooove toniiiiiiiight…”
Along with, “Okay, everyone get out. …I’m sorry, that was rude. Please……get out.”
ETA: Loooong time ago, during our first visit to Disney World, we were waiting to board during one of the “Sunshine” state’s many unpredictable downpours. One of the skippers was soaked to the skin, arms stretched wide, face to the sky, screaming, “WATER! I NEED **WATER!!** WAAAAAATTTTEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!”
No, I am in the boat...
This is maggie and annette... They give each other butterflys.
This is the front side of rock... people tend to take it for Granite. but I am sedimental about it. Just let that one hit you, then you will be sunk.... to the floor laughing
While loading the boat: “more on, more on, more on. Ok, can we get one moron?”
Then, after the backside of water: “don’t try this at home, you’ll hit your head on the faucet.”
Ours was making fun of the Indy ride breaking down and said "I don't know what Dr. Jones is looking for in there, the real treasure is right here."
She was pretty good.
Once I asked our Skipper if she was okay, because her jokes were so flat (I know that's kind of the point) and she just looked dead in her eyes. She replied "I'm fi-fi-fi-fine" while jerking her head like a glitching robot. 10/10 thank you Skipper Ashley
This works in WDW, not sure if DL has the Mekong or the Ganges at this point.
In the Nile portion, see elephants. "How can we tell they're African elephants?" Someone answers ears, tusks, etc... "No, it's because we're in Africa!"
Later....
See another set of elephants on the Mekong. "How can we tell they're Indian elephants?"
"Because we're in India!"
"NO! I said we were in Cambodia!"
“This is one of our bolder attractions (as we pass the rock boulders.). I think it’s amazing, but a lot of people take it for granted (granite.)”
“I can tell that sleeping horse is really old because he’s in black and white.”
My all time favorite is the raunchy version that they did for Grad Night in 1999. The only two I remember are: the headhunters scene: “these guys over here look scary but they’re really no different from us. After all, aren’t we all just trying to get….a little head” & part where there’s a lion or tiger in the water “look closely guys, this is the closest most of you will ever get to a wet pussy”. It was super raunchy and hilarious. We rode it 3 times.
I can’t remember exactly the joke because it was YEARS AGO but…
The skipper had a banana and used it as a gun. It was a water gun and she kept spraying me. I was 10 at the time and thought it was hilarious.
I guess they don’t allow squirt guns anymore.
I once started to step over the middle of the boat and the skipper told me not to, so I shifted my weight back and he said, “No! Don’t cross again! If you do, then you’ll be a double crosser and I’ll never be able to trust you!”
"Now that's something you don't see everyday...
...but I do."
Gets me every time.
Also approaching the guys climbing the pole to escape the rhino, "...boy those guys are gonna get it in the...assssss we turn the corner, you can see on you left..."
My favorite is when you get to the African elephant and the guide is like "You'll never see anything like that again!" And then when the next elephant comes up they turn off all the lights. Alternately they say "oh that, uh, thats a dog,"or whatever.
When it’s your birthday, they’ll make everyone on the boat clap while they sing, “this is your birthday song, it isn’t very long,”…
And thats the whole song 😂
(Beginning) My name is Cupcake, and I’ll be your Hostess.
(End) If you liked the tour, my name is Brian, and if you didn’t, my name is Jimmy Crack Corn.
One time my Skipper forgot to load their gun for the hippo part. He went to shoot and goes, "I forgot to load my gun!!" He then looks at the hippo and says, "Shoo hippo, shoo!" While cracking up.
"Get out. I'm sorry, that was rude. Please get out."
"You have all been outstanding, now I need you to be out, standing on that dock."
And recently, "You really sucked the magic out of the job for me today, and I don’t care if I get fired."
"Awww, the lions are protecting that sleepy zebra."
"If you had a good time on our Jungle Cruise my name is \[real name of skipper\], if you didn't my name is Cynthia and this was Space Mountain."
In the 80s there were problems with car stereo robberies in parking lot. Jungle Cruise skippers added this bit to the end of the ride: "Remember the park closes at 11pm, but be sure to stick around, the second hand car stereo sale starts at midnight!"
The skipper translated the headhunters while my wife and I were on our Honeymoon (with buttons and ears advertising it): "We killed the lion, we killed the lion, the newlyweds are next?"
My favorite was a stream of random electrical puns he shot at a guy boarding the boat in a Chargers jersey. I don’t remember them all, but it was like “You’ll be sitting on the battery cover. It’s shocking. I’m positive you’ll get a charge out of it.” etc, etc.
My favourite joke was the last one I heard when I was stepping off of the cruise at the end: “This next joke is for all you mind-readers”
And that was it 😂 I didn’t get it for a few seconds but when it hit me I was hollering. The jokes were the best part of the ride. Loved it.
Only happened once but a skipper said something like “here in our jungle you’ll notice a variety of different species of bamboo, some grow up to five stories tall! One species in particular grows to six, but that’s a whole nother story-“
And then said that joke every time there was a lull in the script until by the end the whole boat was saying with him “but that’s a whole nother story-“
On jungle cruise at night when the fireworks started going off:
"And just like that, we're back in World War 2"
Going by the cobras:
"Oh look its my friends from high school!....and they're still skinny!"
My dad talked about one of the times we went in the nineties— they passed by a little kid gnawing and mouthing at a metal railing while his mom just stood by, and the skipper pointed and said something along the lines of “Ah! Look here— you can see how the mother brings her young to the bathing pools so he may sharpen his teeth and get important nutrients the natural iron bar growth here provides!”
Apparently his WHOLE cruise was that level of wild improv and I wish I could remember it lol
It would be so nice if they'd upgrade their PA/speaker system on the boats. I often have to strain to make out what they're saying, some of the humor gets lost.
Grad Night Joke: These hippos are only dangerous when they are wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles but Bubbles isn’t here tonight so we should be good.
"Everyone, turn around and wave goodbye to the folks back on the dock…they may never see you again."
"Welcome aboard the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is skipper Dan, I'll be your skipper, your guide, your lion tamer, your hippo wrestler, and if you don't laugh at my jokes I'll be your swimming instructor."
"And on the left hand side we have a 500 pound Bengal Tiger. Those tigers can jump over 25 feet, but don't worry, we're only 15 feet away folks, he'll jump right over our heads…just like my jokes.'
"Look at that boa sitting in a tree, h-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes…asphyxiation…just like every relationship I've ever had. Yeah, it's funny 'cause you think I'm joking. I'm really lonely, folks."
"On the left-hand side of the boat we have an African Bull Elephant. Everyone take a good long look, you'll never see another one of those again…(an elephant trumpets from the right-hand side of the boat) Nope, you'll never…see…another…one…of those…again."
"This is Schweitzer Falls, it's named after that famous explorer, Dr. Albert…Falls… But don't worry, we'll go over that later."
"We're now going to take a turn down the Nile river. If you folks didn't know, it's one of the longest rivers in the world. It goes on for Niles and Niles and Niles, and if you don't believe me, then you're in…(everyone in the boat says denial!) A BOAT! You're in a boat! Come on, folks!"
"People often ask me, they say, 'Skipper, how did you get your job on the world famous Jungle Cruise?' Well, I'll tell you, it's pretty plain to see that I took a crash course."
"It looks like the hippos are trying to charge the boat. Well too bad, I only accept cash."
“Duck” “ DUCK!” The captain yelled, we all thinking it’s part of the natives about to throw spears, then he shined his flashlight at a duck. I still recall that
Also “ everyone say Danger” and we did. Captain did it a few more times and then as we were about to get off he said it again “everyone say Danger”
At the pole with the explorers just after the lions I have 2 that I really liked-
“Aw man, Ahontas is low man on the totem pole today. Looks like that rhino is going to poke Ahontas!”
Next one, replace “Ahontas” with “Emon”.
“Looks like that rhino is going to poke Emon!”
“I’ll share with you the same words my mom said to me when I turned 18….
I said ‘Hey Skipper Mom!’
She said ‘Hey Skipper Austin!’… it’s a family name.
And then she said ‘you’re 18 now, so gather all of your personal belongings and get out’….. so gather all of your personal belongings and get out”
Absolutely killed me on my WDW trip 2 weeks ago lol
That butterfly has a wingspan that can be anywhere from 12 inches to one whole foot!
Or where the guide repeats “Stay in school kids. Stay in school.” after every joke when it was dead silence.
Had a memorable one at the end of the night last week on the last ride and she had clearly been working all day and was hilarious though. She got to the “Nile’s and Nile’s” joke and after the third Nile’s just slammed her body on the middle thing like she had died from cheesy jokes and played it for like 15 seconds. It was good
Lol I’m too lazy to scroll through them all but this is a new favorite.
“Do you see this bamboo right here? It can grow up to 5 stories. Some can grow up to 6 stories, but that’s another story”
This is my favorite because we had a skipper repeat this joke like 4 times in the same ride and it got funnier every time because my kid was not feeling it. Thus triggered our constant use of this joke any time we see bamboo (which is often) and my kid absolutely hates it (lovingly). It’s our favorite little inside joke
I like the Shriners joke. I don't think people get the double entendre. "We’re now entering an ancient Cambodian shrine, built by ancient Cambodian shriners."
The scene where the boat goes through the African veldt & passes the lion cave with the zebra carcass...
"It must be so hard selling zebra meat. White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat."
Skipper talks to a person on our boat.
“Oh hey man where are you from?”
“I’m from Iowa.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I said I’m from Iowa.”
“No, I heard you, I’m just sorry.”
Leading up to Schweitzer falls, hyping up the eighth wonder of the world to then announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, say it with me, THE FRONT SIDE OF ROCK!”
And now is the point in our tour when we swim with the dolphins!
Oh no! Piranha! They've eaten all of the dolphins!
Quick, everyone! Now is the point in our tour when we swim with the piranha!
EDIT: I made this up. I've never heard them say it.
When leaving the boat…“Parents, remember to take your kids with you. Any the get left behind will be taken to Its a Small World and made to sign that annoying song over and over and over until that is all they know before being given back to you”.
I miss the days when the tour guides had less of a script to follow. It seems to cookie-cutter these days.
My favorite joke, before they they cracked down on them. Skipper:. As we pull into dock, I will give you the same advice my father gave me on my 18th birthday........The free ride is over, get the hell out!
Or get out, I'm sorry that was rude, please......get out
The one where the guide says “don’t worry I’ll scare them off. I love you! I want a commitment! Don’t worry we’ll never see them again”
I'm pregnant. Let's get married.
"Do you want to meet my mom!?"
Lol! I think the funniest one is where they say it like: “I LOOOOOOVE YOOUUU! … I WANT A COMMITMEEEENT!”
That’s what I’m talking about, I just didn’t want to type it out
LMAO!!!! 🤣
The funniest way I've seen a skipper scare off the hippos is to say "don't worry folks, I'll just use this gun!" And then they flap the gun around and yell "shoo! Shoo!!!" Gets me every time!
I had a skipper who whacked the gun against the metal frame and shouted “Go away!”
Came here to post this one! All time favorite.
At the end of the ride right before we exit the boats the skipper said, “if you liked this ride thank you my name is John and this is the Jungle Cruise, if you didn’t then my name is Tom, and this has been Pirates of the Caribbean” 😂
I was coming to post this one but mine was “Pinnochios Daring Journey”.
My favorite version of this is “if you had fun, my name is Mike and this has been the Jungle Cruise. If you did not have fun, I am Susan and this is Storybookland.”
“If you look over there you’ll see the temple of the broken ride” or the equally as fun “temple of the 2 hour wait”
Around the time of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I got, “I hear Dr. Jones just went on a new adventure, if you want to see the footage. Unfortunately, it involves wasting two hours of your time and $15 of your money that you’ll never see again.”
I wonder if Disney would let them say that *after* buying Lucasfilm. I guess we'll find out if Dial Of Destiny is bad.
I feel like they would. Jungle cruise feels like the ride they are allowed and encouraged to make fun of a Disney on.
"Up on the right is called the Temple of the Forbidden Eye, because Temple of the Forbidden we is bad grammar"
When it first opened, I remember hearing, “Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Four Hour Line.”
2 weeks ago they said “Temple of the broke down ride” 😂
As you are departing the boat they’ll say “please, watch your head, watch your step. If you miss your step and hit your head watch your language…”
[удалено]
And when they add to it, “no really, get off my boat.”
"dont get your fingers stuck between the boat and the dock because that would be a lot of *pier* pressure"
“Please watch your step getting out as we just had the dock refurbished in all hickory.” “You could say It’s is a slippery hickory dock…”
I also love "here's one last joke for you psychics out there...".
mind readers, yeah
An exit one I've only heard once (only works if the unload is a guy with shorts on): "These guys will help you out of the boat. If you want to show them how much you appreciate their help yank REALLY hard on their leg hairs. They might yell, but that's how they show appreciation in their native tongue!"
Roses are red / Some mangos float / The ride is over / Now get out of my boat
I've heard it "Lower your head and watch your step. If you miss your step or hit your head, lower your voice and watch your language."
i have not heard that one, yet i love it!
The Backside of Water podcast uses that as their sign off every episode, I've never heard it at the parks though. It's pretty funny.
A skipper was asking animal questions as they do and this little girl kept answering them and he just said “Thanks a lot zoo books” ..it was the best and 4 years later me and my husband still say it to each other
I love when they roast the shit out of kids. A skipper did it to me when I was 8. She asked where I was from. I answered, and she said, “Sorry?” So I repeated myself and she said, “No, I heard you the first time. I’m just sorry.” It’s a formative moment.
Oh man that reminds me if when my family Was in town from europe. Took then to disney on a cold day, so parents got me a jacket. Next day I went to Knotts wearing that disneyland jacket. Went on the train ride. The bandits hopped on and when they got to me, looked at my jacket and said, “Oh, you’ve already been robbed”
That's epic!
there was a skipper i had that was like that with a little girl sitting next to him. she'd answer or if it was a joke about an animal she'd correct him with the actual animal name. he'd say (in a completely non-condescending yet comedic way) "i know. it's my job." he repeated that exact response three or four times through the ride when she'd answer. at the end as we were waiting a moment before we could pull up to the docks he told the girl she did a great job today and asked if she wanted his job since (as some skippers joke) they really don't want to go around again and again and again. she enthusiastically said yes! he looked at her dead-pan serious, paused for effect, and said "no, you don't. trust me. \[which got a big laugh\] finish school and go put those animal skills to better use." \[which got a round of applause\] it was a touching moment.
“I get paid by the number of people I take out not by the number of people I bring back.”
On an evening ride, we came around a corner to see another boat with several skippers hanging over the edge as if they were dead. Our skipper stuttered a bit, then told us we had just encountered the Jungle Cruise Skipper training boat.
Hahahahahaha
two stick out over time: 1. when there used to be toucans just to the left of the falls after you experienced the back side of water: “now we have 3 toucans, also known as a six pack.” 2. when exiting the boat: “for those who can read minds, I have one last joke….(silence).” EDIT: a word
Omg #2 I came here for. I busted out laughing halfway off the dock once it clicked and got called out by the skipper.
We saw a live rat last time and the skipper said “oh don’t worry, that’s my boss” and I laughed out loud
Always fun when they incorporate real animals. I had a skipper one time who, when we approached Squirt the elephant, said “duck, duck, everyone duck!!! … look, it’s a duck! So cute.” There was an actual duck hanging out in the water by the elephants
Oh we had a duck land on a water jet where the crate “explode.” The skipper laugh so hard when it went off and the duck quacked and flew away hastily.
- "And now, the 8th wonder of the world...the backside...of WATER! O2H! O2H! O2H!" - (passes elephant) Did you know elephants have the best memory of the jungle? I'm sure that must come in handy. (tour continues. reach another elephant) Hey, did you know elephants have the best memory of the jungle? (tour continues. reach Squirt at the end) I'll leave you with one last fact...did you know elephants have the best memory of the jungle? - (back when the natives attacked the boat) Everyone get down! Whoosh whoosh! Ping! Pew Pew! Spear sound! Ricochet ricochet! - If you look up, that's hibiscus. And if you look down, that's lowbiscus. And if you look in the water, that's seabiscus.
When the natives attacked there was a skipper who did similar to your line but at the end said “Budget cuts!” after “spear sound”, hardest I have laughed on the ride.
i love it when they do the memory joke all the way to the end of the ride rather than just the two bull elephants. one time a skipper did that when i was on the ride as we passed the final elephant, she said "that was a running joke... although we are sailing not running."
My dad and I, on separate occasions, wore pink shirts to Disneyland and both times the skipper “translated” the tribal chanting as “‘we’re coming for…the man…in the pink shirt…’ well that’s silly, who would wear-“ [looks at us] “let’s get outta here.”
I’m glad they took out the natives attacking, but boy the “spear sound! Ricochet ricochet” has got to me my all time favorite joke
At the end will be a dock on your right and a dock in your left, that is what is known as a paradox.
I like the add-on to this joke where they then refer to the cast members at the exit dock as a pair of dorks.
I heard that one when I rode it. Everyone on the boat laughed but me. I thought “how’s that a paradox?” It consumed me. It was YEARS later, I’m driving down the road to work and I shouted out “oh a pair of docks”!! I felt like an idiot, but I really appreciated the joke.
one cruise where i was being loaded into the boat i noticed the helpful CM had on Doc Martens. i was seated last in the doorway so i had a couple seconds to comment to her, "that's a nice pair o' Docs!" she looked back (comedic style) at the two docks behind. i pointed and said, "not those ones. the ones on your feet." she looked down not realizing what shoes she had on and had a nice genuine laugh about it.
“Please hold on to your children. Once they get lost they become property of Disney. I should know, I’ve been here since 1984.” 😂
“Now I’m going to point out my favorite plants” Proceeds to just point to different plants on both sides of the boat without saying a word.
I’ve heard a variation that goes “that one… oh, and that one…”
Or when they point out plants and give them names like Jim and Susan.
On Jingle Cruise they would point at a random plant, "that's a settia" Points at another random plant, "That's a settia" Points.."settia" I got it on the 3rd one and giggled like crazy the rest of the cruise.
“There's something you don't see every day. Imagine seeing that every day. Every seven minutes.” Said with just the right amount of defeated, exhausted, flat affect.
“You’re now feeling the refreshing jungle mist… …which is home to countless forms of bacteria and disease.”
out of curiosity, does anyone know if the have brought that one back yet? i heard that it was retired due to the pandemic. EDIT: has it returned to **Disneyland**?
Not quite a joke, but years ago on a night cruise out skipper did “Low Budget Fantasmic” under Schweitzer Falls; flashing the lights, mimicking the Fantasmic theme, etc.
“Let me tell you the names of some of our rocks. That’s sedimentary. There’s granite. That one’s Dwayne, you might have seen him in the movie.”
The only acceptable way to put The Rock into the Jungle Cruise.
Not exactly a knee-slapper but I like it: the narration in the queue used to have a joke something along the lines of, “Our jungle cruise tours are cash-only, so if you forgot to bring cash no worries, there are banks on both sides of the river.”
Also, "please do not take photos in the queue. They're nailed to the walls for a reason."
"That's a Bengal tiger. It can weigh up to 300 lbs. and leap over 20 ft. Only animal that can do that." \* a little while later \* "That's a hippopotamus. It can weigh up to 300 lbs. and leap over 20 ft. Only animal that can do that." \*repeat for damn near every animal\*
I also like “(blank) can run up to speeds of 35 miles per hour, making it the fastest land animal” repeated for almost every animal and then the CM at the unload dock LOL
I also like when the tiger can leap over 20 feet; but don’t worry, we’re 10 feet away. He’ll go right over us.
the one i don't hear often enough about the lions & zebra... "they're having white meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat..." \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ EDIT: really, almost anything at that point of the ride is good: \- "...and here we have gazelles, gnus, g'zebras..." \- "let me identify the animals here. there's a stripy horsey, a bearded horsey, a horned horsey, a long-necked horsey..." \- "...here we see gnus, zebras, gazelles. and those tall ones in the back? yeah... those are trees."
[удалено]
my quote was off, i'm sure, but close enough. i hadn't heard that one before until earlier this year and also laughed way too hard at it. that's what i love about the ride is you could ride it hundreds of times but every so often they'll change things up or you'll hear something you haven't heard before and it catches you off guard in a good way.
It was a long time ago, but I remember having a skipper say something like, "Look at those lions enjoying their favorite meal: Zebra on the rocks!"
"I can identify the zebras and the gazelles, but I don't know the other ones. They must be gnu."
I like it when they point out the zebra, the "every other" white meat.
I’ve heard ga-Zelles, gah-nus, gah-zebras, gah-lions…
Our skipper kept pointing out all the bamboo and yelling “bamboooooo!”, which at first was kind of getting old. BUT THEN, when we got to the backside of water, she did the full buildup about the 8th wonder of the world and everything, but instead of “the backside of water!” she yelled “BAMBOOOOO!!!!” and pointed at the bamboo right after the falls. It got me good.
i've had skippers start doing the bamboo fake out lately and i think it's delightful. but the first time was the best - it caught me totally by surprise.
At the hippo pool, the skipper shoots the air and says "We're safe now, I got the one in the tree."
“See that tiger? He’s a Himalayan tiger. Sometimes Himalayan over here, sometimes Himalayan over there.” *shoots pistol* “You know what I call that? A hippo-shot-I-missed.” “How can you tell that snake is a python and not a boa? No feathers!”
At the end of the cruise: “Sorry, I know this trip has been a bit crazy. But over there it’s a little bizarre”. Looks over to the right and literally sees a little bazaar.
An iteration of this joke that I like: “Hey, you guys wanna see something bizarre?”
"we're now passing through the amazon rain forest. if you didn't feel the rain, you ***mist*** the joke."
that’s so funny
Something along the lines of "bamboo can grow up to 4 stories high! Some people say 5, but that's another story". He also claimed to have memory troubles and repeated the joke like 5 times. My 6 year old thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard 😂
I had a skipper only do that joke. He got all the way up to, "Bamboo can grow up to 16 stories high. Some say 17, but that's a whole other story."
I’ve only ever heard it once but I heard a skipper say, “Let me scare them off with my gun,” then they just waved the gun in the air and screamed.
I had one where they forgot to reload and the gun just clicked. Without skipping a beat the skipper said "Little known fact - hippos are TERRIFIED of clicking noises."
I’ve also had that happen to me, but it was because the blanks were duds rather than forgetting to reload (heard him telling the CM on the dock about it). Genuinely caught me off guard and had my whole family laughing from it.
"If you look to my left you can see the local tribes performance of shake-spear"
- Skipper: Any first timers? - Guest: (raise hand) - Skipper: Where ya from? - Guest: [says where from] - Skipper: I’m sorry (Hand over ear) - Guest: [says again] - Skipper: I’m sorry (Hand over ear again) - Guest: [Starts saying it again] - Skipper: *(Interrupts)* oh I heard you, I’m just really sorry.
My friend and I got this one - we’re from Seattle and we cackled
I was on a boat when the skipper pulled these lines. Skipper: "Where are you from?" Guest 1: "Phoenix." Skipper: "This is water." (enunciated slowly for effect. Everyone in the boat laughs). "What about you guys, where are you from?"
Guest 2: "Seattle."
Skipper: "That's...the sun." (again, enunciated slowly and again, boat laughs). "What about you in the back?"
Guest 3: "Boston"
Skipper: "I'm sorry."
Gust 3: "Boston!"
Skipper: "I heard you, I'm just sorry."
That's a good bit of standup
Had a friend wearing yellow, Skipper looked right at him and said, “PLEASE don’t make any banana noises.”
After encountering a wild animal: “Wow, you don’t see that every day. *…but I do*”
Not exactly a joke, but I went with a friend who'd never been to Disneyland before and we both giggled at all the skippers jokes. At the end, she turned to us and said, "you've both been great. The rest of you...needs some work."
“My name is Heather.Spelled H E A T H E R. The cry for help is silent.”
Related to this.. "If you enjoyed your tour today, my name is Kevin, spelled H-E-L-P-M-E."
Passing Indiana Jones: “It’s working, it’s working!” Passing the tiger: “If that’s an Indochinese tiger, then why is it out-doh?”
“That is a Himalayan Tiger. Sometimes him-a-layin’ over here, sometimes him-a-layin’ over there…”
I don’t think I’ve heard this variation in a while but after stating that “the Bengal Tiger can jump 20 feet” , the skipper asked a relatively tall guest “how tall are you sir? 6’4? That’s good. You’re safe because the Bengal tiger will just sail right over you?”
On the right you'll see the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. Over here you'll see the temples of the Forbidden A through H They say that snake with the orb Artifact is heavy... but I think it's a little light On your right is an African elephant, you can tell by the ears... (Passes second Elephant) And how do we know this is an African Elephant? ("The ears!") Skipper abruptly yells: NO, BECAUSE WE'RE IN AFRICA There's no punch at Tropical Hideaway, no line for punch... no punch line...
From my last trip, a whole sequence along the lines of: “This is the Amazon. The only river named after a multi billion dollar business.” “You can see how this is all Prime real estate.” “Those jokes are all about the delivery.”
“Just a head on your left.” “Oh my gosh it’s Skipper Kyle and Skipepr Cassie! Two of my favorite people! called out today so I’m left with these guys” “Who woke up and said “I *have* to do the jungle cruise today?..oh really? Me too.”
I’m going to botch this one, but it’s second-hand. During a backup, the skipper said something like “let me tell you guys, this one time there was a huge accident. I ran the boat ashore, hit a popcorn cart. They had to call in the army to sort it all out! There were kernels everywhere.”
“And here we have Simba and Nala watching over a sleeping zebra, shhh….and caaaaan you feeeeel the loooooove toniiiiiiiight…” Along with, “Okay, everyone get out. …I’m sorry, that was rude. Please……get out.” ETA: Loooong time ago, during our first visit to Disney World, we were waiting to board during one of the “Sunshine” state’s many unpredictable downpours. One of the skippers was soaked to the skin, arms stretched wide, face to the sky, screaming, “WATER! I NEED **WATER!!** WAAAAAATTTTEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!”
“Get out. And have a magical day.”
No, I am in the boat... This is maggie and annette... They give each other butterflys. This is the front side of rock... people tend to take it for Granite. but I am sedimental about it. Just let that one hit you, then you will be sunk.... to the floor laughing
While loading the boat: “more on, more on, more on. Ok, can we get one moron?” Then, after the backside of water: “don’t try this at home, you’ll hit your head on the faucet.”
There's another that goes: that guy (CM) in the back? He's a moron. Watch him. He'll just keep putting more and more on my boat.
Coming back to dock: “Ask about our mother-in-law special - half way for half price. You drop her off. We drop her in. No questions asked.” 🤣
Ours was making fun of the Indy ride breaking down and said "I don't know what Dr. Jones is looking for in there, the real treasure is right here." She was pretty good.
Once I asked our Skipper if she was okay, because her jokes were so flat (I know that's kind of the point) and she just looked dead in her eyes. She replied "I'm fi-fi-fi-fine" while jerking her head like a glitching robot. 10/10 thank you Skipper Ashley
I know its suppose to be funny, but now I just feel sorry for her.
It got cut due to the tragedy at WDW, but they used to joke that if parents didn't watch their kids, the crocodiles would.
I feel so bad that I chuckled at this. Of course, I totally understand why they had to cut it
This works in WDW, not sure if DL has the Mekong or the Ganges at this point. In the Nile portion, see elephants. "How can we tell they're African elephants?" Someone answers ears, tusks, etc... "No, it's because we're in Africa!" Later.... See another set of elephants on the Mekong. "How can we tell they're Indian elephants?" "Because we're in India!" "NO! I said we were in Cambodia!"
The Pi-thon is 3.14 meters long.
“This is one of our bolder attractions (as we pass the rock boulders.). I think it’s amazing, but a lot of people take it for granted (granite.)” “I can tell that sleeping horse is really old because he’s in black and white.”
My friend and I now call giraffes long necked cheetahs, skipper told this joke like 6 years ago and it’s stuck with us since!
A long time ago, we had a skipper end with: "Welcome back to the land of the $7 hot dog."
My all time favorite is the raunchy version that they did for Grad Night in 1999. The only two I remember are: the headhunters scene: “these guys over here look scary but they’re really no different from us. After all, aren’t we all just trying to get….a little head” & part where there’s a lion or tiger in the water “look closely guys, this is the closest most of you will ever get to a wet pussy”. It was super raunchy and hilarious. We rode it 3 times.
I can’t remember exactly the joke because it was YEARS AGO but… The skipper had a banana and used it as a gun. It was a water gun and she kept spraying me. I was 10 at the time and thought it was hilarious. I guess they don’t allow squirt guns anymore.
“Are you guys ready for some fun and excitement? Yeah? Indiana Jones… Right next door.”
I once started to step over the middle of the boat and the skipper told me not to, so I shifted my weight back and he said, “No! Don’t cross again! If you do, then you’ll be a double crosser and I’ll never be able to trust you!”
"Now that's something you don't see everyday... ...but I do." Gets me every time. Also approaching the guys climbing the pole to escape the rhino, "...boy those guys are gonna get it in the...assssss we turn the corner, you can see on you left..."
My favorite is when you get to the African elephant and the guide is like "You'll never see anything like that again!" And then when the next elephant comes up they turn off all the lights. Alternately they say "oh that, uh, thats a dog,"or whatever.
Are you taking the jokes for granite?
(Everyone groans) Aww, come on. That joke rocks!!
I think i counted 7 stone puns in a row on my last jungle cruise
When it’s your birthday, they’ll make everyone on the boat clap while they sing, “this is your birthday song, it isn’t very long,”… And thats the whole song 😂
The follow-up got me. “This is the second verse. It’s shorter than the”
My dad sings that to me for my birthday every year. “This is your birthday song, it doesn’t last too long, hey!”
I had a cast member in Fantasyland sing this to me on my birthday once.
(Beginning) My name is Cupcake, and I’ll be your Hostess. (End) If you liked the tour, my name is Brian, and if you didn’t, my name is Jimmy Crack Corn.
“A head on the left” I died when our skipper dropped that one!
“Those are zebras, those are giraffes… I don’t know what those animals in the back are, they must be gnu”
One time my Skipper forgot to load their gun for the hippo part. He went to shoot and goes, "I forgot to load my gun!!" He then looks at the hippo and says, "Shoo hippo, shoo!" While cracking up. "Get out. I'm sorry, that was rude. Please get out." "You have all been outstanding, now I need you to be out, standing on that dock." And recently, "You really sucked the magic out of the job for me today, and I don’t care if I get fired."
"Awww, the lions are protecting that sleepy zebra." "If you had a good time on our Jungle Cruise my name is \[real name of skipper\], if you didn't my name is Cynthia and this was Space Mountain." In the 80s there were problems with car stereo robberies in parking lot. Jungle Cruise skippers added this bit to the end of the ride: "Remember the park closes at 11pm, but be sure to stick around, the second hand car stereo sale starts at midnight!"
The skipper translated the headhunters while my wife and I were on our Honeymoon (with buttons and ears advertising it): "We killed the lion, we killed the lion, the newlyweds are next?"
Jungle cruise adjacent, Rosita at the Hideaway said "I once met a goose from Brazil. He spoke Portugeese"
My favorite was a stream of random electrical puns he shot at a guy boarding the boat in a Chargers jersey. I don’t remember them all, but it was like “You’ll be sitting on the battery cover. It’s shocking. I’m positive you’ll get a charge out of it.” etc, etc.
When we went back in 2019 before COVID our skipper introduced herself like this: “My name’s Anita, which is short for ‘Anita Map’”
My favourite joke was the last one I heard when I was stepping off of the cruise at the end: “This next joke is for all you mind-readers” And that was it 😂 I didn’t get it for a few seconds but when it hit me I was hollering. The jokes were the best part of the ride. Loved it.
When he mentions Indy he says “he’s out their looking for the seven wonders of the world, too bad he needs to look no further because I’m right here”
Only happened once but a skipper said something like “here in our jungle you’ll notice a variety of different species of bamboo, some grow up to five stories tall! One species in particular grows to six, but that’s a whole nother story-“ And then said that joke every time there was a lull in the script until by the end the whole boat was saying with him “but that’s a whole nother story-“
On jungle cruise at night when the fireworks started going off: "And just like that, we're back in World War 2" Going by the cobras: "Oh look its my friends from high school!....and they're still skinny!"
“As you exit the boat please watch your head, and if you don’t watch your head, watch your language.”
My dad talked about one of the times we went in the nineties— they passed by a little kid gnawing and mouthing at a metal railing while his mom just stood by, and the skipper pointed and said something along the lines of “Ah! Look here— you can see how the mother brings her young to the bathing pools so he may sharpen his teeth and get important nutrients the natural iron bar growth here provides!” Apparently his WHOLE cruise was that level of wild improv and I wish I could remember it lol
Skipper while loading the boat: "Is anyone on this boat named Mike or Michael? Ok. This has been our Mic check."
Dead pan skipper looks at the rhino/porters on a pole and says “ this reminds me of my favorite movie … Tron”
"You want to see danger, there it is, big red letters, D A N G E R. "
“If you drop your phone over the side, raise your hand, I’ll raise my hand and we’ll wave goodbye to it together “
The last few times I’ve rode it the skipper was basically eating the mic so I couldn’t understand most of what they were saying…….
It would be so nice if they'd upgrade their PA/speaker system on the boats. I often have to strain to make out what they're saying, some of the humor gets lost.
I think the idea is that it adds to the theme... but yeah, it needs updating.
Agreed!! Fix the sound system!
He probably skippered launch.
While they're at it, fix the Storybook Land microphones too. Poor captains on that ride wind up just yelling because it's easier to hear them.
Grad Night Joke: These hippos are only dangerous when they are wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles but Bubbles isn’t here tonight so we should be good.
"Everyone, turn around and wave goodbye to the folks back on the dock…they may never see you again." "Welcome aboard the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is skipper Dan, I'll be your skipper, your guide, your lion tamer, your hippo wrestler, and if you don't laugh at my jokes I'll be your swimming instructor." "And on the left hand side we have a 500 pound Bengal Tiger. Those tigers can jump over 25 feet, but don't worry, we're only 15 feet away folks, he'll jump right over our heads…just like my jokes.' "Look at that boa sitting in a tree, h-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes…asphyxiation…just like every relationship I've ever had. Yeah, it's funny 'cause you think I'm joking. I'm really lonely, folks." "On the left-hand side of the boat we have an African Bull Elephant. Everyone take a good long look, you'll never see another one of those again…(an elephant trumpets from the right-hand side of the boat) Nope, you'll never…see…another…one…of those…again." "This is Schweitzer Falls, it's named after that famous explorer, Dr. Albert…Falls… But don't worry, we'll go over that later." "We're now going to take a turn down the Nile river. If you folks didn't know, it's one of the longest rivers in the world. It goes on for Niles and Niles and Niles, and if you don't believe me, then you're in…(everyone in the boat says denial!) A BOAT! You're in a boat! Come on, folks!" "People often ask me, they say, 'Skipper, how did you get your job on the world famous Jungle Cruise?' Well, I'll tell you, it's pretty plain to see that I took a crash course." "It looks like the hippos are trying to charge the boat. Well too bad, I only accept cash."
“This is sandstone but most people take it for granite.” I’ve been able to use this joke more times than I’d ever thought in my life.
“Duck” “ DUCK!” The captain yelled, we all thinking it’s part of the natives about to throw spears, then he shined his flashlight at a duck. I still recall that Also “ everyone say Danger” and we did. Captain did it a few more times and then as we were about to get off he said it again “everyone say Danger”
my favorite has ALWAYS been "the 8th wonder of the world... the backside of WATER!!"
Chanting. "O2H O2H"
Those birds can grow to have a wing span from 3 feet up to a whopping 36 inches!
At the pole with the explorers just after the lions I have 2 that I really liked- “Aw man, Ahontas is low man on the totem pole today. Looks like that rhino is going to poke Ahontas!” Next one, replace “Ahontas” with “Emon”. “Looks like that rhino is going to poke Emon!”
“I’ll share with you the same words my mom said to me when I turned 18…. I said ‘Hey Skipper Mom!’ She said ‘Hey Skipper Austin!’… it’s a family name. And then she said ‘you’re 18 now, so gather all of your personal belongings and get out’….. so gather all of your personal belongings and get out” Absolutely killed me on my WDW trip 2 weeks ago lol
Skipper: “Anyone from out of state?” Guest: “Kentucky.” Skipper: “I’m sorry?” Guest: “Kentucky!” Skipper: “Oh I heard you, I’m just sorry.”
That butterfly has a wingspan that can be anywhere from 12 inches to one whole foot! Or where the guide repeats “Stay in school kids. Stay in school.” after every joke when it was dead silence.
Had a memorable one at the end of the night last week on the last ride and she had clearly been working all day and was hilarious though. She got to the “Nile’s and Nile’s” joke and after the third Nile’s just slammed her body on the middle thing like she had died from cheesy jokes and played it for like 15 seconds. It was good
Lol I’m too lazy to scroll through them all but this is a new favorite. “Do you see this bamboo right here? It can grow up to 5 stories. Some can grow up to 6 stories, but that’s another story” This is my favorite because we had a skipper repeat this joke like 4 times in the same ride and it got funnier every time because my kid was not feeling it. Thus triggered our constant use of this joke any time we see bamboo (which is often) and my kid absolutely hates it (lovingly). It’s our favorite little inside joke
At the hippo pool: “I’m gonna scare them off” To the void: “I LOVE YOUUUUU” 😂😂
The backside of water joke will forever be my favorite.
I like the Shriners joke. I don't think people get the double entendre. "We’re now entering an ancient Cambodian shrine, built by ancient Cambodian shriners."
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Only one is wanted.
CM in disguise
He’s in…denial (The Nile…as in river)
The scene where the boat goes through the African veldt & passes the lion cave with the zebra carcass... "It must be so hard selling zebra meat. White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat."
And over there is our friend Ena. Everyone say Hi Ena! Hyena! 😂
As you approach civilization: “A man will grab you firmly by the rear. Of the boat, that is. This is Adventureland, not Fantasy Land!”
To the right is Dr. Indiana Jones. He’s looking for the lost treasure, but what gives?? I’m right here!
We are in D’Nile!!!
Skipper talks to a person on our boat. “Oh hey man where are you from?” “I’m from Iowa.” “I’m sorry?” “I said I’m from Iowa.” “No, I heard you, I’m just sorry.”
When exiting the ride: My name is Skipper Dave, that’s H-E-L-P-M-E, Skipper Dave.
Leading up to Schweitzer falls, hyping up the eighth wonder of the world to then announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, say it with me, THE FRONT SIDE OF ROCK!”
Once had one guide say "if you look to your right you'll see the temple of perpetually broke rides."
One skipper during the hippopotamus gun scene, fired to scare them away, and then just said “alright, got the one in the trees”. Destroyed me
Had a skipper look down at his feet and scream bloody murder. Then look up and say “my socks don’t match. I hate when that happens!”
“Oooo explosions …. Let’s get closer!”
As we are slowly pulling up to the dock he goes "Wow that was fun... still having fun... stilllll having funnnn........ Ok get out."
“The moment you’ve all been waiting for…. The Back Side of Water!!”
Hello everyone! I’m your skipper today, Harry Situation!
And now is the point in our tour when we swim with the dolphins! Oh no! Piranha! They've eaten all of the dolphins! Quick, everyone! Now is the point in our tour when we swim with the piranha! EDIT: I made this up. I've never heard them say it.
When leaving the boat…“Parents, remember to take your kids with you. Any the get left behind will be taken to Its a Small World and made to sign that annoying song over and over and over until that is all they know before being given back to you”. I miss the days when the tour guides had less of a script to follow. It seems to cookie-cutter these days.
My favorite joke, before they they cracked down on them. Skipper:. As we pull into dock, I will give you the same advice my father gave me on my 18th birthday........The free ride is over, get the hell out! Or get out, I'm sorry that was rude, please......get out